as if their Persons were Sacred Moreover they take no thought for to morrow but setting a just value on their hours they are good Husbands of the present considering that what is past is as good as Dead and what 's to come Vncertain But they say when the Devil preaches the world 's neer an End The divine Hand is in this said the Holy Man that perform'd the Exorcism Thou art the Father of Lyes and yet deliver'st truths able to mollify and convert a Heart of stone But do not you mistake your selves quoth the Devil to suppose that your Conversion is my Business for I speak these Truths to aggravate your Guilt and that you may not plead ignorance another day when you shall be call'd to answer for your Transgressions 'T is true most of you shed tears at parting but 't is the Apprehension of Death and no true Repentance for your sins that works upon you For ye are all a pack of Hypocrites Or if at any time you entertain those Reflections your trouble is That your Body will not hold out and then forsooth ye pretend to pick aquarrel with the Sin it self Thou art an Impostor said the Religious for there are many Righteous Souls that draw their sorrow from another Fountain But I perceive you have a mind to amuse us and make us lose Time and perchance your own hour is not yet come to quit the Body of this miserable Creature however I conjure thee in the name of the most High to leave tormenting him and to hold thy Peace The Devil obey'd and the Good Father applying himself to us My Masters says he though I am absolutely of Opinion that it is the Devil that has talkt to us all this while through the Organ of this unhappy wretch yet he that well weighs what has bin said may doubtless reap some benefit by the Discourse Wherefore without considering whence it came Remember that Saul although a wicked Prince Prophesied and that Honey has been drawn out of the Mouth of a Lyon Withdraw then and I shall make it my Prayer as 't is my hope that this sad and prodigious spectacle may lead you to a true sight of your Errours and in the end to amendment of Life The end of the first Vision THE SECOND VISION OF DEATH and her EMPIRE MEan Souls do naturally breed sad Thoughts and in Solitude they gather together in Troops to assault the Unfortunate which is the Tryal according to my Observation wherein the Coward does most betray himself and yet cannot I for my life when I am alone avoid those Accidents and Surprizes in my self which I condemn in others I have sometime upon Reading the Grave and Severe Lucretius been seized with a strange Damp whether from the striking of his Counsels upon my Passions or some tacite reflection of shame upon my self I know not However to render this Confession of my weakness the more excusable I 'l begin my Discourse with somewhat out of that elegant and excellent Poet Put the Case sayes he that a Voice from Heaven should speak to any of us after this manner What do'st thou ail O Mortal Man or to what purpose is it to spend thy life in Groans and Complaints under the apprehension of Death where are thy past Years and Pleasures Are they not vanish't and lost in theFlux of Time as if thou hadst put Water into a Sieve Bethink thy self then of a Retreat leave the World with the same content satisfaction as thou wouldst do a plentiful Table and a jolly Company upon a full stomach Poor Fool that thou art thus to Macerate and Torment thy self when thou may'st enjoy thy Heart at Ease and Possess thy Soul with Repose and Comfort c. This passage brought into my mind the words of Iob. Cap. 14. and I was carried on from one Meditation to another till at length I fell fast asleep over my Book which I ascribed rather to a favourable providence then to my natural Disposition So soon as my Soul felt her self at Liberty she gave me the entertainment of this following Comedy my Phansy supplying both the Stage and the Company In the first Scene enter'd a Troop of Physicians upon their Mules with deep Foot-cloths marching in no very good Order sometime fast sometime slow and to say the Truth most commonly in a huddle They were all wrinkled and wither'd about the Eyes I suppose with casting so many sowre looks upon the Piss-pots and Close-stools of their Patients bearded like Goats and their Faces so overgrown with Hair that their Fingers could hardly find the way to their Mouths In their left hand they held their Reins and their Gloves roul'd up together and in the right a Staffe à la mode which they carryed rather for Countenance then Correction for they understood no other Manege than the Heel and all along Head and Body went too like a Baker upon his Panniers Divers of them I observ'd had huge Gold Rings upon their Fingers and set with Stones of so large a size that they could hardly feel a Patients Pulse without minding him of his Monument There were more thaâ— a good many of them and a world of Puny Practisers at their heels that came out Graduates by conversing rather with the Mules than the Doctors Well! said I to my self if there goes no more than This to the making a Physitian it is no marvel we pay so dear for their Experience After These follow'd a long Train of Mountebank Apothecaries laden with Pestles and Mortars Suppositories Spatulas Glister-Pipes and Siringes ready charg'd and as mortal as Gun-shot and several Titled Boxes with Râ—medies without and Poysons within Ye may observe that when a Patient comes to die the Apothecaries Moâ—tar rings the Passing-Bell as the Priests Râ—quiem finishes the business An Apothecâ—ries Shop is in effect no other than the Physitians Armory that supplies him with Weapons and to say the truth the Instruments of the Apothecary and the Souldier are much of a quality What are their Boxes but Petards their Syringes Pistols and their Pills but Bullets And after all considering their Purgative Medicines we may properly enough call their Shops Purgatory and why not their Persons Hell their Patients the Damn'd and their Masters the Devils These Apothecaries were in Iacquets wrought all over with Rs struck through like wounded hearts and in the form of the first Character of their Prescriptions which as they tell us signifies Recipe Tâ—ke thou but we find it to stand for Recipio I take Next to this Figure they write Ana Ana which is as much as â—o say An Ass An Ass and after this march the Ounces and the Scruples an incomparable Cordial to a dying man the former to dispatch the Body and the latteâ— to put the Soul into the high-way to the Dâ—vil To hear them call over their Simples would make you swear they were raising so many Devils Therâ—â—s your Opopanax Buphthalmus Astâ—pâ—ylinos Alectorolophos
afterward to reflect upon the Crosses Afflictions and Mortifications that lye in the way to Paradise And to Consider that there was Nothing of That upon this Rode But on the Contrary Laughing Singing Frollicking and all manner of Iollity This I must confess gave me a Qualm and made me a little doubtful whither I was going But I was quickly deliver'd of that Doubt by a Gang of Marry'd Men that we overtook with their Wives in their Hands in Evidence of their Mortifications My Wife 's my Witness cryes one that every day since I marry'd her has been a Fasting day to me To Pamper her with Cock-Broth and Iellyes And my Wife knows how I have humbled my Body by Nakedness for I have hardly allow'd my self a Rag to my Back-side or a Shoe to my Foot to maintain her in her Coach Pages Gowns Petty-Coats and Iewels So that upon the matter I peâ—ceive an Vnlucky hit with a Wife gives a Man as much Right to the Catalogue of Maâ—tyrs as if He hâ—d ended his Dayes at the stake The Misery these poor Wretches endur'd made me think my self in the Right again till I heard a Cry behind me Make Way there Make Way for the ' Pothcearies Bless me thought I If They be here we are certainly going to the Devil And so it prov'd for we were just then come to a little Door that was made like a Mouse-Trap where 't was Easy to get in but there was no getting out again It was a strange thing that scarce any body so much as Dream't of Hell all the way we went and yet every body knew where they were as soon as they came there and cry'd out with one Voice Miserable Creatures we are Damn'd we are Damn'd That Word made my Heart Ake And is it come to that then said I. I began then with Tears in my Eyes to Reflect upon what I had left in the World As my Relations Friends Ladyes Mistreâ—â—es and in â—ine all my Old Acquaintance When with a Heavy Sigh looking behind mâ— I saw the greater part of them Poâ—â—ing afâ—â—r me It gave me me thougâ—t sâ—me Comfort that I shâ—uld have so good Company vainly imagining that even Hell it self might be Capable of some Relief Going further on I was gotten into a Crowd of Taylors that stood up sneaking in a Corner for fear of the Devils At the first Door there was Seven Devils taking the Names of those that Came in and they ask't me mine and my Quality and so they let me pass But examining the Taylors These fellows cry'd one of the Devils come in such shoals as if Hell were made only for Taylors How many are they says another Answer was made about a Hundred About a Hundred They must be more then a Hundred says t'other if they be Taylors for they never come uâ—der a Thousand or Twelve hundred stâ—ong And we have so many here already I do not know where we shall ' stow them Say the word my Masters shall 's let them in or no the poor Prick-Lice were damn'dly startled at that for fear they should not get in but in the End they had the Favour to be admitted Certainly said I these folks are but in an ill Condition when 't is a Menace for the Devils themselves to refuse to receive them Thereupon a Huge over-grown Club-footed Crump-shoulder'd Devil threw them all into a Deep Hole Seeing such a Monster of a Devil I ask't him how He came to be so deform'd And He told me He had spoyl'd his Back with Carrying of Taylors for said he I have been formerly made use of as a Sumpter to fetch them but now of late they save me that Labour and come so fast of themselves that 't is one Devils work to dispose of them While the word was yet speaking there came Another Glut of them and I was fain to make way that the Devil might have Room to work in who pil'd them up and told me they made the best Fewel in Hell I pass'd forward then into a little Dark Ally where it made me start to hear one call me by my Name and with much ado I perceiv'd a fellow there all wrapt up in Smoke and Flame Alas Sir sâ—ys he Have you forgotten your old Book-seller in Pope's Head-Alley I cry thee Mâ—rcy quoth I What art thou here Yes Yes Sir says he 't is e'en too True I never dream't it would have come to This. He thought I must needs pity him when I knew him but truly I reflected rather upon the Justice of his Punishment For in a word his Shop was the very Mint of Heresy Schisme and Sedition I put on a Face of Compassion however to give him a little Ease which He took hold of and vented his Complaint Well Sir sayes He I would my Father had made me a Hangman when He made me a Stationer for we are call'd to Accompt for Other Men's works as well as for our Own And one thing that 's cast in our Dish is the selling of Translations so Dog-cheap that every Sot knows now as much as would formerly have made a Passable Doctor and every Nasty Groom and Roguy Lacquay is grown as familiar with Homer Virgil Ovid as if 't were Robin the Devil The seven Champions or a piece of George Withers He would have talk't on if a Devil had not stop't his Mouth with a Whiffe from a rowle of his own Papers and Choak't him with the smoak on 't The Pestilent Fume would have dispatch't me too if I had not got presently out of the Reach on 't But I went my way saying this to my self If the Book-seller be thus Criminal what will become of the Author I was diverted from this Meditation by the ruful Grones of a great many Souls that were under the Lash and the Devil Tyrannizing over them with Whips and Scourges I ask't what they were and it was told me that there was a Plot among the Hackney-Coach-men to exhibit an Information against the Devils for taking the Whip out of their Hands and setting up a Trade they had never serv'd to which is Contrary to Quinto Elizabethae Well said I But why are they tormented here With That an old Sowr-look't Coach-man took the Answer out of the Devil's Mouth and told me that it was because they came to Hell a Horseback which they pretended was a Privilege that did not belong to Rogues of their Quality Speak Truth and be hang'd cry'd the Devil and make an honest Confession here Say Sirrah How many Bawdy Voyages hâ—ve you made to Hackney How many Nights have you stood Pimping at Marybone How many Whores and Knaves have you Brought together And how many Lyes have you told to keep all Private since you first set up this Scandalous Trade There was a Coach-man by that had serv'd a Iudge and thought 't was no more for his old Master to fetch a Rascal out of Hell then out of Newgate which made this fellow stand upon his
this twenty year and is but just now come back again Come hither Sirrah crys Lucifer and so the poor Cur went wrigling and gloting up toward his Prince You are a fine Rogue to be sâ—nt of an Errand are ye not â—â—ys Lucifer to stay twenty year out and come back again e'en as wise as ye went What souls have ye bâ—oâ—ght now or what news from t'other world Ha! Your Highness quoth the Dâ—vil has too much honour and justice to condemn me unheard Wherefore be pleased to remember that at my going out you gave me charge of a certain Merchant It cost me the first ten year of my time to make him a Thief and ten more to keep him from turning honest again and restoring what he had stolen A fine fetch for a Devil this is it not cry'd Lucifer But Hell is no more the Hell it was when I knew it first than Chalk is Cheese And the Devils now adays are so damn'dly insipid and dry they 're hardly worth the roasting A senslâ—sâ— Puppy to come back to me with a story of Waltham 's Calf that went nine mile to suck a Bull. But he 's not Master of his Trade yet and with that Lucifer bad one of his Officers take him away and put him to School again for I perceive he 's a Rascal says he and he has e'en been roguing at a Play-house when he should have been at Church In that instant from behind a little hill a great many men came running as hard as they could drive after a company of Women The Men crying out Stop Stop and the Women crying for Help Lucifer commanded them all to be seiz'd and askt what was the matter Alas alas cry'd one of the men quite out of breath These Carrions have made us Fathers though we never had Children Govern your Tongue Sirrah cry'd a Devil of Honour that had a kindness for the Ladies and speak truth for 't is utterly impossible you should be Fathers without Children Pardon me said the Fellow we were marry'd men and honest men and good House-keepers and have born Offices in the Parish and have Children that call us Fathers But 't is a strange thing we have been abroad some of us by the seven year together Others as long Bed-rid and so impotent that the Civilians would have put us inter frigidos maleficiatos and yet our Wives have brought us every year a Child which we were such Fools as to keep and bring up and give our selves to the Devil at last to get them Estates out of a charitable perswasion forsooth they might yet be our own though for a twelve-month together perhaps we never so much as examin'd whether our Wives were Fish or Flesh. But now since the Mothers are dead and the Children grown up we have found the Tools that made them One has the Coach-mans Nose another the Gentleman-Vsher's Legs a third a Cousin-german's Eyes And some we are to presume conceiv'd purely by strength of imagination or else by the Ears like Weazels Thereupon appear'd a little Remnant of a man a dapper Spaniard with a kind of a Besome-beard and a Voice not unlike the Yapping of a foysting Cur. As he came neer the Company he set up his throat and call'd out Ah Jade says he I shall now take ye to task ye Whore you for making me Father my Negro's Bastard and for the Estate I setled upon him I did ever misdoubt foul play but should never have dreamt of That ugly Toad when there was such choice of handsome lusty young Fellows about us but it may be she had them too I curst the Monks many and many a time I remember to the Pit of Hell Heaven forgive me for 't for the Strumpet would be perpetually gadding abroad under colour of going to Confession and in sooth I was never any great Friend to Penance and Mortification And then would I be easing my mind ever and anon to this cursed Moor. I cannot imagine said I where this Mistress of thine should commit all the sins that she goes every hour of the day to confess at yonder Monastery And then would this Dog-Moor answer me Alas good Lady I would e'en venture my Soul with hers with all my heart she spends all her time you see in holy Duties I was at that time so innocent that I suspected nothing more than a pure Respect and Civility to my Wife but I have learnt better since and that effectually his Soul and hers were commonly ventur'd in the same Bottom yes and their Bodies too as I perceive by their Magpy Issue for the Bastards take after both Father and Mother So that at this rate cry'd the adopted Fathers the Husband of a Whore has a pleâ—sant time on 't First he 's subjected to all the Pukings Longings and peevish importunities that a breeding Woman gives those about her till she 's Laid and then comes the squalling of the Child and the Twittle-twattle-Gossippings of the Nurse and Midwife that must be well treated too well lodg'd and well paid A sweet Baby says one to the Jade the Mother on 't 't is e'en as like the Father as if he had spit it out on 's mouth It has the very Lips the very Eyes of him when 't is no more like him than an Apple is like an Oyster And in conclusion when we have born all this and twenty times more in t'other World with a Christian Patience we are hurry'd away to Hell and here we lie a Company of damn'd Cuckolds of us and here we are like to lie for ought I see in Saecula Saeculorum which is very hard and in truth out of all reason I cut this Visit short to see what news in a deep Vault neer at hand where we heard a great bustle and contest betwixt divers Souls and the Devils There were the Presumptuous the Revengeful and the Envious gaping and crying out as they would break their hearts Oh that I could but be born again says one Oh that I might back into the world again says another Oh that I were but to die once more crys a third Insomuch that they put the Devils out of all Patience with their impertinent and unprofitable Wishes and Exclamations Hang your selves cry'd they for a pack of cousening bawling Rascals You live again and be born again and what if you might do 't a thousand times over You would only die at last a thousand times greater Villains than now you are and there would be no clearing Hell of you with a Dog-whip However to try you and make you know your selves we have Commission to let you Live again and Return Vp then ye Varlets go be born again Get ye into the World again Away cry'd the Devils with a lusty lash at every word and thrust hard to have got them out But the poor Rogues hung an Arse and were struck with such a Terrour to hear of Living again and Returning that they slunk into a Corner
THE VISIONS OF Dom Francisco de Quevedo VILLEGAS KNIGHT of the ORDER OF St IAMES Made English by R. L. LONDON Printed for H. Herringman at the Sign of the Blew Anchor in the Lower walk of the New Exchange 1667. LICENSED March 26th 1667. TO THE READERS GENTLE and SIMPLE THis Preface is meerly for Fashion-sake to fill a space and please the Stationer who says 't is neither usual not handsome to leap immediately from the Title-Page to the Matter So that in short a Preface ye have together with the Reason of it both under One but as to the Ordinary Mode and Pretence of Prefaces the Translator desires to be excus'd For he makes a Conscience of a Lye and it were a damn'd one to tell ye that he has publisht This either to Gratifie the importunity of Friends or to Oblige the Publick or for any other Reason of a hundred that are commonly given in excuse of Scribling Not but that he loves his Friends as well as any man and has taken their Opinion along with him Nor but that he loves the Publick too as many a Man does a Coy Mistress that has made his heart ake But to pass from what had no effect upon him in this Publication to that which over-rul'd him in it It was pure Spite For he has had hard Measure among the Physicians the Lawyers the Women c. And Dom Francisco de Quevedo in English Revenges him upon all his Enemies For it is a Satyre in fine that taxes Corruption of Manners in all sorts and degrees of people without reflecting upon particular States or Persons It is full of Sharpness and Morality and has found so good Entertainment in the World that it wanted only English of being baptiz'd into all Christian Languages Errata PAge 14 line 24 read a Lacquay p. 23 l. 25 d. in p. 48. r. Teize for seize p. 60 l. 5. r. Potosi for Potoss p. 63 l. 24. r. Government for Governments p. 71 l. 13 r. ye for he p. 90 l. 19 r. demurr'd for demurrer p. 149 l. penult r. His for This p. 160 l. 7 insert as p. 171 l. 4. insert night p. 180 l. 2 r. Discourse for Discourses p. 192 l. 23 r. This for it and dele to us p. 263 l. 4 r. now for no p. 284 l. 14 dele and. p 319. l. 7. insert it THE FIRST VISION OF THE Algouazil or Catchpole possest I Was going t' other day to hear Mass at a Convent in this Town but the door it seems was shut and a world of people pressing and begging to get in I ask'd What was the matter They told me that there was a Demoniac to be exorcised or dispossest Whereupon I thrust into the Crowd for company to see the Ceremony but to little purpose for after I had half smothered my self in the throng I was e'en glad to get out again and bethink my self of my Lodging Upon my way homeward at the streets end it was my fortune to meet a familiar friend of mine of the same Convent who told me over again what I had heard before and taking notice of my curiosity bad me follow him which I did and with his Passe-par-tout he brought me through a little back-door into the Church and so into the Vestry where we saw a wretched kind of a dog-look'd fellow with a Tippet about his neck as ill ordered as you 'd wish his Cloaths all in tatters his hands bound behind him roaring and tearing after a most hideous manner Bless me quoth I crossing my self what spectacle have we here This said the good Father who was to do the Feat is a man that 's possest with an Evil-spirit That 's a damn'd lye with respect of the Company cryed the Devil that tormented him for this is not a man possest with a Devil but a Devil possest with a man and therefore you should do well to have a care what you say for both by the Question and Answer it is most evident that you are but a Company of Sots You are to understand that we Devils never enter into the body of a Catchpole but by force and in spight of our hearts and therefore to speak properly you are to say This is a Devil Catchpol'd and not a Catchpole bedevil'd To say the truth you men can deal better with us Devils than with the Catchpoles for we fly from the Cross whereas They make use of it for a Cloak for their villany There is somewhat a better agreement I must confess between our Offices If we draw men into Iudgment and Condemnation so do the Catchpoles we pray for an encrease of wickedness in the world so do they nay and more zealously than we for it is their livelihood and we do it only for company And in this the Catchpoles are worse than the Devils they prey upon their own Kind and worry one another for our parts we are Angels still though black ones and were turn'd into Devils only for aspiring into an equality with our Maker whereas the very corruption of mankind is the generation of a Catchpole so that my good Father your labour is but lost in plying this Wretch with Reliques for you may as soon redeem any thing from Hell as be it never so holy if he once seizes it out of his Clutches In fine your Algouâ—zils or Catchpoles and your Devils are both of an Order only your Catchpole Devils wear Shoes and Stockings and we go barefoot after the Fashion of this reverend Father and to deal plainly have a very hard time on 't I was not a little surprized to find the Devil so great a Sophister but all this notwithstanding the holy man went on with his Exorcism and to stop the Spirits mouth washt his face with a little Holy Water which made the Demoniac ten times madder than before and set him a yelping so horridly that it deafned the company and made the very ground under us to tremble And now says he you may perchance imagine this extravagance to be the effect of your Holy Water but let me tell you that meer Water it self would have done the same thing for your Catchpole hates nothing in this world like Water especially that of a Grays-Inne Pump But to conclude They are so reprobated a sort of Christians that they have quitted even the very name of Misins by which they were formerly known for that of Algouazils the latter being of Pagan extraction and made suitable to their manners Come come says the Father there is no ear nor credit to be given to this Villain set but his tongue at liberty and you shall have him fall foul upon the Government and the Ministers of Justice for keeping the World in Order and suppressing wickedness because it spoils his market No more chopping of Logick good Mr. Conjurer says the Devil for there 's more in 't than you are aware of but if you 'l do a poor Devil a good office give me my dispatch out
embracing the Air for his Mistress Others we have that are condemn'd for Feeling and yet never come to the Touch These pass for a kind of Buffon Pretenders ever upon the Vigil and never arrive at the Festival Some again have lost themselves with Iudas for a Kiss One story lower is the abode of contented Cuckolds a nasty poisonous place and strewed all over with the Horns of Rams and Bulls c. Now these are so well read in Woman and know their destiny so well before hand that they never so much as trouble their heads for the matter Ye come next to the Admirers of old Women and these are wretches of so depraved an Appetite that if they were not kept tyed up and in Chains they 'd horse the very Devils themselves and put Barrabbas to his Trumps to defend his Buttocks For the truth is whatever you may think of a Devil he passeth with them for a very Adonis or a Narcissus So much for your Curiosity a word now for your Instruction If you would make an interest in Hell you must give over that Roguy way ye have got of abusing the Devils in your Shews Pictures and Emblems One while forsooth we are painted with Claws or Talons like Eagles or Griffons Another while we are drest up with Tails like so many Hackney-Jades with their Fly-flaps And now and then ye shall see a Devil with a Coxcomb Now I will not deny but some of us may indeed be very well taken for Hermites and Philosophers Help us if you can in this particular and you shall find one good turn paid with another I was asking Michael Angelo here a while ago why he drew the Devils in his Great Peice of the Last Iudgment with so many Monkey Faces and Iack-Pudding Postures His answer was that he follow'd his Fancy without any Malice in the World for as then he had never seen any Devils nor indeed did he believe that there were any but he has now learn'd the contrary to his cost There 's another thing too we take extreamly ill which is that in your ordinary discourses ye are out with your Purse presently to every Rascal and calling of him Devil As for Example Do you see how this Devil of a Taylor has spoil'd my Suit how the Devil has made me wait how this Devil has couzen'd me c. whic is very ill done and no small disparagement to our Quality to be rank'd with Taylors A company of Slaves that serve us in Hell only for Brush-wood and they are fain to beg hard to be admitted at all though I confess they have possession on their sides and Custom which is another Law Being in possession of Theft and stoln goods they make much more Conscience of keeping your stuffs then your Holidays grumbling and domineering at every turn if they have not the same respect with the Children of the Family Ye have another trick too of giving every thing to the Devil that displeases ye which we cannot but take very unkindly The Devil take thee says one A goodly present I warrant ye but the Devil has something else to do then to take and carry awâ—y all that 's given him if they 'l come of themselves let them come and welcome Another gives that whelp of Laquey to the Devil but the Devil will none of your Laqueys he thanks ye for your love for those Rogues are commonly worse than Devils and to say the truth they are good neither rost nor sodden I give that Italian to the Devil cryes a third thank you for nothing For ye shall have an Italian will chouse the Devil himself and take him by the Nose like Mustard Some again will be giving a Spaniard to the Devil but he has been so cruel wherever he has got footing that we had rather have his Room then his Company and make a Present to the Grand-Signior of his Nutmegs Here the Devil stâ—pt and in the same instant there hapning a slight scuffle betwixt a couple of conceited Coxcombs which should go foremost I turn'd to see the matter and cast my Eye upon a certain Tax-gatherer that had undone a Friend of mine And in some sort to revenge my self of this Ass in a Lions Skin I ask't the Devil whether they had not of 〈◊〉 sort of Blood-Suckers among the rest in their Dominions an Informing projecting Generation of men and the very bane of a Kingdom You know little says he if you do not know these vermine to be the right Heirs of Perdition and that they claim Hell for their Inheritance And yet we are now e'en upon the point of discarding them for they are so pragmatical and ungrateful there 's no enduring of them They are at this present in Consultation about an Impost upon the High-way to Hell and indeed payments run so high already and are so likely to encrease too that 't is much fear'd in the end we shall quite lose our Trading and Commerce But if ever they come to put this in Execution we shall be so bold as to treat them next bout to the Tune of Fortune my Foe c. and make them cool their Heels on the wrong side of the Door which will be worse then Hell to them for it leaves them no retreat being expell'd Paradise and Purgatory already This Race of Vipers said I will never be quiet till they tax the way to Heaven it self Oh quoth the Devil that had been done long since if they had found the Play worth the Candles but they have had a Factor abroad now these half-score years that 's glad to wipe his nose on his sleeve still for want of a Handkerchief But these new impositions upon what I pray ye do they intend to levy them For that quoth the Devil there 's a Gentleman of the Trade at your Elbow can tell you all pointing to my old Friend the Publican This drew the Eyes of the whole Company upon him and put him so damn'dly out of Countenance that he pluck't down his Hat over his Face clap't his tail between his Legs and went his way with which we were all of us well enough pleas'd and then the Devil went on Well said the Devil and laught my Voucher is departed ye see but I think I can say as much to this point as himself The Impositions now to be set on foot are upon bare-neck'd Ladies Patches Mole-skins Spanish-paper and all the Mundus Muliebriâ— more then what is necessary and decent upon your Tour à la mode and Spring Garden-Coaches excess in Apparel Collations Rich Furniture your Cheating and Blaspheming Gaming-Ordinaries and in general upon whatsoever serves to advance our Empire so that without a Friend at Court or some good Magistrate to help us out at a dead lift and stick to us we may e'en put up our Pipes and you 'l find Hell a very Desart Well said I and methinks I see nothing in all this but what is very reasonable for to what
end serves it but to corrupt good manners stir up ill Appetites provoke and encourage all sorts of Debauchery destroy all that is good and Honourable in humane Society and chalk out in effect the ready way to the Devil But you said something e'en now of Magistrates I hope said I there are no Iudges in Hell You may as well imagine cry'd the spirit that there are no Devils there for let me tell you Friend mine your corrupt Iudges are the great Spawners that supply our Lake for what are those Millions of Catchpoles Proctors Atturneys Clerks Barristers that come sailing to us every day in Shoals but the Fry of such Iudges nay sometimes in a lucky year for cheating forging and forswearing we can hardly find Cask to put them in From hence now quoth I would you infer that there 's no Iustice upon the face of the Earth Very right quoth the Devil for Astraea which is the same thing is fled long since to Heaven Do n't ye know the story no said I then quoth the Devil mind me and I 'l tell ye it Once upon a time Truth and Iustice came together to take up their Quarters upon the Earth But the One being naked the Other very severe and plain-dealing they could not meet with any body that would receive them At last when they had wander'd a long time like Vagabonds in the open Air Truth was glad to take up her Lodging with a Mute and Iustice perceiving that though her name was much used for â— Cloak to Knavery yet that she her self was in no Esteem bethought her self of returning to Heaven and in order to her Journey she bad adieu in the first place to all Courts Palaces and great Cities and went into the Country where she met with some few poor simple Cottagers that gave her entertainment but Malice and Persecution found her out in the end and she was banish'd thence too She presented her self in many places and people askt her what she was She answer'd them Iustice for she would not lye for the matter Iustice cry'd they she is astranger to us tell her here 's nothing for her and shut the door Upon these repulses she took wing and away she went to Heaven hardly leaving so much as the bare print of her footsteps behind her Her Name however is not yet forgotten and she 's pictured with a Scepter in her hand and is still called Iustice but call her what ye will she makes as good a Fire in Hell as a Taylor and for slight of hand puts down all the Gilts Cheats Picklocks and Trepanners in the World to say the truth Avarice is grown to that height that men employ all the faculties of Soul and Body to Rob and Deceive The Leacher does not he steal away the honour of his Mistress though with her consent The Atturney picks your Pocket and shews you a Law for 't The Comedian gets your money and your time with reciting other men's Labours The Lover couzens you with his Eyes The Eloquent with his Tongue The Valiant with his Arm The Musician with his Voice and Fingers The Astrologer with his Calculations The Apothecary with Sickness and Health The Surgeon with Blood and the Physician with Death it self And in some sort or other they are all cheats But the Catchpole in the name of Iustice abuses you with his whole Man He watches you with his Eyes Follows you with his Feet Seizes with his hands Accuses with his Tongue And in fine put it in your Litany From Catchpoles as well as Devils Libera nos Domine But how comes it said I that you have not coupled the Women with the Theeves for they are Both of a Trade Not a word of Women as ye love me quoth the Devil for we are so tired out with their Importunities so deaf'd with the Eternal Clack of their Tongues that we start at the very thought of them And to say the Truth Hell were no ill Winter-Quarter if it were not so overstock'd with that sort of Cattle Since the Death of the Witch of Endor it has been all their business to improve themselves in subâ—lety and â—alice and to set us together by the Ears among our selves Nay some of them are confident enough to tell us to our Teeth that when we have done our worst they 'l give us a Rowland for our Oliver Only this comfort we have that they are a Cheaper Plague to Vs then they are to You for we have no Exchanges Hide-Parkes or Spring-Gardens in our Territories You are well stored then with Women I see but of which have you most said I Handsome or Ill-favour'd oh of the Ill-favour'd six for one quoth the Devil For your Beauties can never want Gallants to lay their Appetites and many of them when they come at last to have their Bellies full e'en give over the sport Repent and 'scape Whereas no body will touch the Ill-favour'd without a pair of Tongâ— and for want of water to quench their firâ— they come to us such Skeletons that they are enough to afright the Devil himself For they are most commonly old and accompany their last grones with a Curse upon the younger that arâ— to survive them I carryed away one t'other day of threescore and ten that I took just in the nick as she was upon a certain Exercise to remove Obstructions And when I came to land her Alas for the poor woman what a terrible fit had she got of the Tooth-Ach when upon search the Devil a Tooth had she left in her head onely she belyed her Chops to save her Credit You have exceedingly satisfied me said I in all your answers but pray'e once again what store of Beggars have ye in Hell Poor people I mean Poor quoth the Devil who are they Those said I that have no Possessions in the World How can that be quoth he that those should be damn'd that have nothing in the World when men are onely damn'd for cleaving to 't And briefly I find none of their names in our Books which is no wonder for he that has nothing to trust to shall be left by the Devil himself in time of need To deal plainly with you where have ye greater Devils than in your Flatterers false Friends lewd Company Envious Personâ— than a Son a Brother or a Relation that lyes in wait for your life to get your Fortune that mourns over you in your sickness and wishes you already at the Devil Now the Poor have none of this They are neither flatter'd nor envy'd nor befriended nor accompanyed There 's no gaping for their Possessions and in short they are a sort of people that live well and dye better and there are some of them that would not exchange their Raggs for Royalty it self They are at liberty to go and come at pleasure be it War or Peace free from Cares Taxes and publick Duties They fear no Judgments or Executions but live as inviolable
and betray'd my Lord and Master Next came the Patriarchs and then the Apostles who took their Places by St. Peter It was worth the Noting that at this Day there was no Distinction between Kings and Beggars before the Iudgment-Seat Herod and Pilate so soon as they put out their Heads found it was like to go hard with Them My Judgment is Just quoth Pilate Alack cry'd Herod What am I to trust to Heaven is no place for me and in Limbo I should fall among the Innocents I have murder'd so that without more ado I must e'en take up my Lodging in Hell The Common Receptacle of notorious Malefactors There came in immediately upon this a kind of a sowre rough-hewn fellow Look ye says he stretching out his Arm here are my Letters The Company wonder'd at the Humour and askt the Porter what he was which he himself over-hearing I am quoth he a Master of the Noble Science of Defence and plucking out several seal'd Parchments These said he are the Attestations of my Exploits At which word all his Testimonials fell out of his Hand and a Couple of Devils would fain have whipt them up to have brought them in Evidence against him at his Tryal but the Fencer was too Nimble for Them and took them Up himself At which time an Angel offer'd him his Hand to help him in but He for fear of an Attaque leapt a step backward and with great agility alonging withall Now says he if ye think fit I 'l give ye a Tast of my skill The Company fell a laughing and This Sentence was past upon him That since by his Rules of Art He had occasioned so many Duels and Murders He should Himself go to the Devil by a Perpendicular Line He pleaded for Himself that He was no Mathematician and knew no such Line but while the word was in his Mouth a Devil came up to him gave him a turn and a half and down he Tumbled After Him came the Treasurers and with such a Cry following them for what they had Cheated and Stoln that some said the Thieves were coming Others said No And the Company was divided upon 't They were much troubled at the word Thieves and desired the Benefit of Counsel to plead their Cause And very good Reason said one of the Devils Here 's a Discarded Apostle that has Executed both Offices Let them take him Where 's Iudas When the Treasurers heard that They turn'd aside and by chance spy'd in a Devil's Hand a Huge Roll of Accusations ready drawn into a formal Charge against them With That One of the boldâ—st among them Away Away cry'd he with these Informations Wee 'l rather come in and Compound though iâ— were for Ten or Twenty Thousand years in Purgatory Ha! Ha! quoth the Devil a cunning Snap that drew up the Charge If ye are upon those Terms ye are hard put to 't Whereupon the Treasurers being brought to a forc't Put were e'en glad to make the best of a bad bargain and follow the Fencer These were no sooner gone but in came an unlucky Pastry-man They askt him if he would be try'd That 's e'en as 't hitts said he At that Word the Devil that manag'd the Cause against him prest his Charge and laid it Home to him that He had put off Catts for Hares and filled his Pyes with Bones instead of Flesh and not only so but that he had sold Horse-flesh Dogs and Foxes for Beef and Mutton Upon the Issue it was prov'd against him that Noah never had so many Animals in his Ark as this poor fellow had put in his Pyes for we read of no Rats and Mice there so that he e'en gave up his Cause and went away to see if his Oven were hot Next came the Philosophers with their Syllogisms and it was no ill Entertainment to hear them Chop Logic and put all their Expostulations in Mood and Figure But the Pleasantest people in the World were the Poets who insisted upon it that they were to be try'd by Iupiter And to the Charge of Worshiping false Gods their Answer was that through Them they worship't the True One and were rather mistaken in the Name than in the Worship Virgil had much to say for himself for his Sicelides Musae But Orpheus interrupted him who being the Father of the Poets desir'd to be heard for them all What He cry'd one of the Devils Yes for teaching that Boyes were better Bed-fellows than Wenches But the Women had comb'd his Coxcomb for him if they could have Catch't him Away with him to Hell Once again then they cry'd and let him get out now if He can So they all fil'd off and Orpheus was their Guide because he had been there once before So soon as the Poets were gone there knockt at the Gate a Rich Penurious Chuffe but 't was told him that the Ten Commandments kept it and that he had not kept them It is Impossible quoth he under favour to prove that ever I broke any One of them And so He went to Justify himself from Point to Point He had done This and That and He had never done That nor T'other but in the End he was deliver'd over to be â—ewarded according to his Works And then came on a Company of House-breakers and Robbers so Dextrous some of them that they sav'd themselves from the very Ladder The Scriveners and Atturneys observing That Ah! thought they if we could but pass for Thieves now And yet they set a Face good enough upon the Business too And then Iudas and Mahomet taking Notice of their Confidence began to hope well of Themselves for said they We are well enough if any of these fellows come off whereupon they advanc'd boldly with a Resolution to take their Tryal Which set the Devils all a laughing The Guardian-Angels of the Scriveners and Atturneys mov'd that the Evangelists might be of their Counsel which the Devils oppos'd for said they we shall insist only upon matter of Fact and leave them without any possibility of Reply or Excuse We might indeed content our selves with the bare proof of what they are for 't is Crime enough that they are Scriveners and Atturneys With That the Scriveners deny'd their Trade alleging that they were Secretaries and the Atturneys call'd themselves Sollicitors All was said in Effect that the Case would bear but the best part of their Plea was Church-membership And in fine after several Replications and Rejoynders they were all sent to Old Nick save only Two or Three that found Mercy Well cry'd one of the Scriveners This 't is to keep ill Company The Devils called out then to clear the Bar and said they should have occasion for the Scriveners Themselves to enter Protestations in the Quality of Publick Notaries against Lawless and Disorderly people but the poor Wretches it seems could not hear on that Ear. To say the Truth the Christians were much more troublesome than the Pagans which the Devils took
my self with this Variety of Folly and Madness I went to the Devotes where I found a great many women and girles that had Cloystered up themselves from the Conversation of the World and yet were not a jot soberer than their Fellows These one would have thought might have been easily cur'd but many of them were in for their Lives in despight of Either Counsel or Physick The Room where they were was Barricado'd with strong Bars of Iron and yet when the Toy took them They 'd make now and then a Sally for when the Fit was upon them they 'd own no Superior but Love come what would on 't in the Event The greater part of these good People were writing of Tickets and Dispatches which had still the sign of the Cross at the Top and Satan at the Bottom concluding with This or some such Postscript I commend this Paper to your Discretion The Fools of This Province would be Twatling Night and Day and if it happen'd that any one of them had talkt her self a weary which was very rare she would presently take upon her very gravely to admonish the Rest and read a Lecture of Silence to the Company There were some that for want of better Entertainment fell in Love with one another but these were lookt upon as a sort of Fops and Ninnys and therefore the more favourably us'd but they 'd have been of another mind if they had known the Cause of their Distemper The Root of all these several Extravagancies was Idleness which according to Petrarch's Observation never fails to make way for wantonness There was One among the Rest that had more Letters of Exchange upon the Credit of her insatiable desires than a whole Regiment of Banquiers Some of them were sick of their Old Visiter and call'd for a Freshman Others by Intervals I perceiv'd had their wits about them and contented themselves discreetly with the Physician of the House In short It e'en pity'd my heart to see so many poor people in so sad a Condition and without any hope of Relief as I gather'd from him that had them in care for they were still Puddering and Royling their Bodies and if they got a little Ease for the present they 'd be down again as soon as they had taken their Medicine From thence I went to the single women such as made Profession never to marry which were the least Outragious and discompos'd of all for they had a thousand wayes to Lay the Devil as well as to Raise him Some of them liv'd like common High-way men by Robbing Peter to Pay Paul and stripping honest men to cloth Rascals which is under favour but a lewd kind of Charity Others there were that were absolutely out of their seven senses and as Mad as March-Hares for This Wit and t'other Poet that never fail'd to pay them again in Rimes and Madrigals with Ruby Lips Pearly Teeth so that to read their Verâ—es a man would swear the whole woman to be directly Petrify'd Of Saphir fair or Chrystal cleer Is the Forehead of my Dear c. I saw One in Consultation with a Cunning man to know her Fortune Another dealing with a Conjurer for a Philtre or Drink to make her Belov'd A Third was dawbing and patching up an Old ruin'd-Face to make it fresh and young again but she might as well have been washing of a Blackmoor to make him White In fine a world there were that with their borrow'd Hair Teeth Eyes Eye-Brows look't like fine folks at a Distance but would have been left as Ridiculous as AEsop's Crow if every Bird had fetch 't away his own Feather ' Deliver me thought I smiling and shaking my head if This be Woman And so I step't into the Men's Quarter which was but next door and only a Thick Wall between Their great Misery was that they were deaf to good advice obstinately hating and despising both Physick and Physician for if they would have either quitted or chang'd they might have been cured But they chose rather to dye and though they saw their Errour would not mend it Which minded me of the Old Rime Where Love 's in the Case The Doctor 's an Ass. These Fools-male were all in the same Chamber and one might perfectly read their Humour and Distemper in their Looks and Gestures Oh! how many a gay Lad did I see there in his Poynt Band and Embroyder'd Vest that had not a whole Shirt to his Back How many Huffes and Highboyes that had nothing else in their Mouths but the Lives and Fortunes they 'd spend in their sweet Ladies service that would yet have run five miles on your Errand to have been treated but at a Three-penny Ordinary How many a poor Devil that wanted Bread and was yet troubled with the Rebellion of the Flesh Some there were that spent much time in setting their Perruques Ordering the Mustache and dressing up the very face of Lucifer himself for a Beauty The Woman's Privilege and in truth an Encrochment to their prejudice There were Others that made it their Glory to pass for Hectors Sons of Priam Brothers of the Blade and Talk't of nothing but Attacques Combats Reverses Stramazons Stoccados not considering that a Naked Weapon is present Death to a Timerous Woman Some were taking the Round of their Ladies Lodgings at Midnight and went to bed again as wise as they rose Others fell in Love by Contagion and meerly conversing with the Infected Some again went Post from Church to Chappel every Holy-day to hunt for a Mistress and so turn'd a Day of Rest into a Day of Labour Ye might see others skipping continually from house to house like the Knight upon a Chess-bord without ever catching the Queen or Dame Some like crafty Beggars made their Case worse then 't was And Others though 't were n'ere so bad durst not so much as open their Mouths Really it griev'd me for the poor Mutes and I wish't with all my Heart their Mistresses had been Witches that they might have known their Meaning by their Mumping but they were lost to all Counsel so that there was no advising them There was another sort of Elevated and Conceited Lovers and These forsooth were not to be satisfy'd without the Seven Liberal Sciences and the Four Cardinal Vertues in the shape of a Woman and their Case was Desperate The next I observ'd were a Generation of Modest Fools that past there under the Notion of people Diffident of Themselves They were generally men of good Underderstanding but for the most part Younger Brothers of low fortunes and such as for want of wherewithal to go to the Price of higher Amours were fain to take up with Ordinary Stuffe that brought them nothing in the End but Beggery and Repentance The Husbands I perceiv'd were horribly furious although in Manacles and Shackles Some of them left their own Wives and fell upon their Neighbours Others to keep the good Women in Awe and Obedience would be
Points and ask the Devil how he durst give that Language to so Honourable a Profession for says he who wearâ— better Clothes then your Coachmen Are not we in our Velvets Embroyderies and Laces and as Glorious as so many Phaetoâ—s Have not our Mastâ—rs reason to be good to us when their Necks are at stake and their Lives at our Mercy Nay we govern those many times that Govern Kingdomes And a Prince is almost in as much Danger of his Coach-man as of his Physician And There are that understand it too and Themselves and Vsâ— and that will not stick to trust their Coach-men as far as they would do their Confessors There 's no Absurdity in the Comparison for if They know some of their Privacies we know more yes and perhaps more then Wee 'l speak of What have we here to do cry'd a Devil that was ready to break his heart with Laughing A Coach-man in his Tropes and Figures An Orator instead of a Waggoner The slave has broke his Bridle and got his Head at Liberty and now hee 'l never have done No why should he says another that had serv'd a great Lady more wayes then One Is this the best Entertainment you can afford your Servants your daily Drudges I 'm sure we bring you good Commodity well pack't well Condition'd well perfum'd Right Neat and Clean Not like your City-warâ—+ that comes dirty to you up to the Hocks and yet every Daggle-Tayl'd Wench and Skip-Kennel shall be better us'd then We. Ah! The Ingratitude of this Place If we had done as much for some-body else as we have done foâ— you we should not have been now to seek for our Wages When you have nothing else to say you tell me that I am punish't for carrying the Sick the Gowty the Lame to Church to Mass or some stragling Virgins back again to their Cloyster Which is a Damn'd Lye for I am able to prove that all my Trading lay at the Play-houses Bawdy-houses Taverns Balls Collations Or else at the Tour à la Mode where there was still appointed some after-meeting to treat of certain affairs that highly Import the Interest and Welfare of your Dominions I have indeed carry'd my Mistress sometimes to the Church-Door but it signify'd no more then if I had carry'd her to a Conventicle for all her Business there was to meet her Gallant and to agree when they should meet next according to the way of Devotion now in Mode To conclude It is most certain that I never took any Creature knowingly into my Coach that had so much as a Good Thought And it was so well known to us that it was all one to ask If a Lady were a Maid or if she had ever been in my Coach If it appear'd she had He that marry'd her knew before-hand what he had to trust to And after all this ye have made us a fair Requital With That the Devil fell a Laughing and with five or six Twingeing Jerks half flay'd the poor Coach-man so that I was e'en glad to Retire in pity partly to the Coach-man and partly to my self for the Currying of a Coach-man is little better then the turning up of a Dunghil My next Adventure was into a Deep Vault where I began immediately to shudder and my Teeth chatter'd in my Head I ask't the Meaning of it and there came up to me a Devil with Kib'd Heels and his Toes all Mortify'd and told me that That Quarter was alotted to the Buffons and Drolls which are a people says he of so starv'd a Conceipt and so cold a Discourse that we are fain to Chain and Lock them up for fear they should spoil the Temper of our Fire I ask't if a man might see them The Devil told me yes and shew'd me One of the lewdest Kennels in Hell And there were they at it peâ—king at One Another and nothing but the same fooleries over and over again that they had practis'd upon Earth Among the Buffons I saw divers that pasâ—'d here in the World for Men of Honesty and Honour which were in as the Devil told me for Flattery and were a sort of Buffon that goes betwixt the Bark and the Tree But why are they condemn'd said I. The other Buffons are condemn'd quoth the Devil for want of Favour and These for having too much and abusing it You must know they come upon us still at Unawares and yet they find all things in Readiness the Cloth laid and the Bed made as if they were at home To say the Truth we have some sort of Kindness for them for they save us a great deal of Trouble in Tormenting one another Do you see him there That was a wicked and a Partial Iudg and all he has to say for himself is that he remembers the Time when he could have broke the Neck of two Honest Causes and He put them only out of Ioynt That good-fellow there was a careless Husband and him we lodge too with the Buffons He sold his Wives Portion Wife and all to please his Companions and turn'd both into an Annuity That Lady there though a great One is fain to take up too with the Buffons for they are both of a Humour What They do with their Talk she does with her Body and seasons it to all Appetites In a word you shall find Buffons in all Conditions and in effect there are nigh as many as there are men and Women For the whole world is given to Ieering Slandering Back-biting and there are more Natural Buffons then Artificial At my going out of the Vault I saw a matter of a Thousand Devils following a Drove of Pastry-men and Breaking their Heads as they pass'd along with Iron Peels Alack cry'd one of them that was yet in a whole Skin it is hard the Sin of the Flesh should be laid to our charge that never had to do with Women Impudent Nasty Rascals quoth a Devil who has deserv'd Hell if they have not How many thousand men have these slovens poyson'd with the Grease of their Heads and Tailes instead of Mutton-Sewet with Snot-Pies for Marrow and Flies for Currants How many Stomachâ— have they turn'd into Laystals with the Dâ—gs-Flesh Horse-Flesh and other Carrion that they have put into them And do these Rogues complain in the Devil's Name of their sufferings Leave your Bawling Ye Whelps says he and know that the Pain you endure is nothing to that of your Tormenters And for your Part says he with a fowr Look because you are a stranger you may go about your Business but we have a Crow to pluck with these fellows before we part I went next down a pair of stairs into a huge Cellar where I saw men burning in unquenchable Fire and one of them Roaring Cry'd out I never over sold I never sold but at Conscionable Rates why am I punish't thus I durst have sworn it had been Iudas but going Nearer him to see if He had a Red-head
I found him to be a Merchant of my Acquaintance that dy'd not long since How now old Martin said I art thou there He was dogged because I did not call him Sir and made no Answer I saw his Grief and told him how much He was to blame to cherish that Vanity even in Hell that had brought him thither And what do ye think on 't now said I Had not you better have traded in Blacks then Christians Had not you better havâ— contented your self with a Little honestly got then run the Hazard of your Soul for an Estate and have gone to Heaven a foot rather then to the Devil on Horseback My Friend was as Mute as a Fish whether out of Anger Shame or Grief I know not And then a Devil in Office took up the Discourse These Pick-Pocket Rogues says he Did they think to govern the World with their own Weights and Measures in Secâ—la Seculorum Methinks the Blinking and false lights of their shops should have Minded them of their Quarter in the Other World aforehand And 't is all a Case with Iewellers Goldsmiths and Other Trades that serve only to Flatter and Bolster up the World in Luxury and Folly But if people would be wise these Youths should have little Enough to do For what 's their Cloth of Gold and Silver their Silks their Diamond and Pearl which they sell at their own Price but matter of meer Wantonness and Superfluity These are they that inveigle ye into all sorts of Extravagant Expences and so ruine ye Insensibly under colour of Kindness and Credit For they set every thing at double the Rate and if you keep not touch at your Day your Persons are imprison'd your Goods Seiz'd and your Estates Extended And they that hel'pt to make you Princes before are now the forwardest to put you into the Condition of Beggars The Devil would have talk't on if I had given him the hearing but there was such a Laugh set up on one side of me as if they would all have split and I went to see what the Matter was for 't was a strange thing me thought to hear them so merry in Hell The Business was there were two men upon a Scaffold in Gentile habits gaping as lowd as they could Bawl One of them had a great Parchment in his Hand display'd with Divers Labels hanging at it and several Seals I thought at first iâ— might have been Execution-day and took the Writing for a Pardon or Râ—prieve At every word they spoke a matter of Seven or Eight Thousand Devils burst out a Laughing as they would have crack't their Sides And This again made me think it might be some Iack-pudding or Mounte-bank shewing his Tricks or his Attestations with his Congregation of fools about him But nearer hand I found my Mistake and that the Devils Mirth made the Gentlemen angry At last I perceiv'd that this great Earnestness of theirs was only to make out their Pedegree and get themselves past for Gentlemen the Parchment being a Testimonial from the Heralds Office to that Purpose My Father says he with the writing in 's Hand bore Arms for his Majesty in many Honourable Occasions of Watching and Warding and has made many a Tall Fellow speak to the Constable at all hours of the Night My Uncle was the first man that ever was of the Order of the black-Guard And we have had five Brave Commanders of our Family by my Father's side that have serv'd the State in the Quality of Marshal's-men and Turn-Keys and given his Majesty a fair Accompt of all the Pris'ners committed to their Charge And by my Mother's side it will not be deny'd but that I am honourably descended For my Grandmother was never without â— Dozen Chamber-maids and Nurses in Family It may be 't was her Trade quoth the Devil to procure Services and Servants and consequently to deal in that Commodity Well Well said the Cavalier she was what she was and I 'm sure I tell you Nothing but Truth Her Husband wore a Sword by his Place for he was a Deputy-Marshal and to prove my self a Man of Honour I have it here in Black and White under the Seal of the Office Why must I then be quarter'd among a Pack of Rascals My Gentleman Friend quoth the Devil your Grandfather wore a Sword as He was Vsher to a Fencing School and we know very well what his Son and Grandchild can pretend to But let that pass you have led a Wicked aâ—d infamous Life and spâ—nt your time in Whoring Drinking Blaspheming and in Lewd Company and do you tell us now of the Privileges of your Nobility Your Testimonials and the Seal of the Office A Fart for your Privileges Testimonials Office and all There is no Honour but Virtue And if your Children though they had a Scoundrel to their Father should come to do honourable and worthy things we should look upon them as Persons Sacred and not dare to Meddle with them But Talking is Time lost You were ever a Couple of Pitiful fellows and your Tayls scarce worth the Scalding Have at ye says he and at that word with a huge Iron Bar He gave him such a Salute over the Buttocks that He took two or three turns in the Air Heels over Head and dropt at last into the Common-shore where never any man as yet found the Bottom When his Companion had seen him Cut that Caper This Usage says he may be well enough for a Parchment Gentleman but for a Cavalier of my Extraction and Profession I suppose you 'l Treat him with somewhat more of Civility and Respect Cavalier quoth the Devil if you have brought no better Plea along with you then the Antiquity of your House you may e'en follow your Camerade for ought I know for we find very few ancient Families that had not some Oppressor or Vsurper for their Founder and they are commonly continu'd by the same means they were begun How many are there of our Titular Nobility that write Noble purely upon the Accompt of their Violence and Injustice Their Subjects and Tenants what with Impositions hard services and Rack't Rents are they not Worse then slaves If they happen to have any thing Extraordinary as a pleasant Fruit A Handsome Colt a Good Cow and that the Landlord or his Sweet Lady take a liking to it they must either submit to part with it Gratis or else take their Pay in foul Language or Bastinadoes And 't is well if they 'scape so For many times when the sign 's in Gemini their Wives and Daughters go to Pot without any regard of Laws either Sacred or Prophane What Damn'd Blasphemies and Imprecations do they make use of to get Credit with a Mistress or a Creditor Upon a Faithless Promise How intolerable is their Pride and Insolence even towards many Considerable Officers both in Church and State for They behave themselves as if all people below their Quality and Rank in the World were
but as so many Brutes or Worse As if Humane Blood were not all of a Colour As if Nature had not brought them into the world the Common way or Moulded them of the same Materials with the Meanest Wretches upon the Earth And then for such as have Military Charges and Commands How many Great Officers are there that without any Consideration of their Own or Their Princes Honour fall to spoil and Pillage Cousening the State with false Musters and the Souldiers of their Pay and giving them instead of their Due from the Prince a Liberty of taking what is not their due from the People forcing them to take the Bread out of the poor Labourers Mouths to fill their own Bellies and protecting them when they have done in the most Execrable Outrages Imaginable And when the poor Souldier comes at last to be dismist or disbanded Lame Sick Beggerly Naked almost and Enraged with Nothing left him to trust to but the high-way to keep him from starving What Mischief is there in the world that these men are not the Cause of How many good Families are utterly ruin'd and at this day in the Hospital for trusting to their Oaths and Promises and becoming bound for them for vast sums of Money to maintain them in Tipple and Whores and in all sorts of Luxury and Ryot This Rhetorical Devil would have said a Thousand times more but that his Companions call'd him off and told him they had business elsewhere The Cavalier hearing that my Friend said he your Morals are very good but yet with your Favour all men are not alike There 's never a Barrel better Herring said the Devil You are all of ye tainted with Original Sin and if you had been any better then your fellows you had never been sent hither But if you are indeed so Noble as you say you 're worth the Burning if 't were but for your Ashes And that you may have no Cause of Complaint you shall see Wee 'l treat you like a person of your Condition And in that Instant Two Devils presented themselves the one of them Bridled and Sadled and the other doing the Office of the Squire holding the Stirrop with his left hand and giving the Gentleman a Lift into the Saddle with the Other Which was no sooner done but away he went like an Arrow out of a Bow I ask't the Devil then into what Countrey he carry'd him And he told me Not far for 't was only matter of Decorum to send the Nobility to Hell a Horse-back Look on that side now says he and so I did and There I saw the poor Cavalier in a huge Furnace with the first Inventers of Nobility and Arms As Cain Cham Nimrod Esau Romulus Tarquin Nero Caligula Domitian Heliogabalus and 〈◊〉 world of other Brave fellows that had made themselves famous by Usurpation and Blood The Place was a little too hot for me and so I retir'd meditating on what I had heard and not a little satisfied with the Discourse of so learned a Devil Till that time I took the Devil for a Notorious Lyer but I find now that He can speak the Truth too when he pleases and I would not for all I am worth but have heard him Preach When I was thus far my Curiosity carry'd me still farther and within Twenty Yards I eame to a huge Muddy Stinking Lake near ' twice as big as that of Geneva and heard in 't so strange a Noise that I was almost out of my Wits to know what it was They told me that the Lake was stor'd with Doüegna's or Governantes which are turn'd into a kind of Frogs in Hell and perpetually Driveling Sputtering and Croaking Me thought The Conversion was apt enough for they are Neither Fish nor Flesh no more then Frogs And Only the lower Parts of them are Man's-Meat but their Heads are Enough to turn a very good Stomach I could not but Laugh to see how they Gaped and stretch't out their Legs as they swam and still as we came Neer They'd Scud away and Dive This was no place to stay in there was so Noysome a Vapour and so I strook off upon the Left-Hand where I saw a Number of old men beating their Breasts and Tearing their Faces with bitter Grones and Lamentations It made my Heart ake to see them and I ask't what they were Answer was made that I was now in The Quarter of the Fathers that damn'd themselves to raise their Posterity which were called by some The Unadvised Wretch that I am cry'd one of them The greatest Penitent that ever liv'd never suffer'd the Mortification I have endur'd I have Watch'd I have Fasted I have scarce had any Clothes to my Back My whole Life has been a Restless Course of Torment both of Body and Mind and all This to get Money for my Children that I might see them well Marry'd Buy them Places at Court or procure them some other Preferment in the World starving my self in the Conclusion rather then I would lessen the Provision I had made for my Posterity And yet Notwithstanding this my fatherly care I was scarce sooner Dead then forgotten and my Next Heir bury'd me without Tears or Mourning and indeed without so much as paying of Legacies or praying for my Soul as if they had already received certain Intelligence of my Damnation And to aggravate my Sorrows The Prodigals are now Squandering and consuming that Estate in Gaming Whoring and Debauches which I had scraped together by so much Industry Vexation and Oppression and for which I suffer at this Instant such Insupportable Torments This should have been thought on before cry'd a Devil for sure you have heard of the Old saying Happy is the Child whose Father goes to the Devil At which word the Old Misers brake out into fresh Rage and Lamentation Tearing their Flesh with Tooth and Nayl in so ruful a manner that I was no longer able to endure the Spectacle A Little further there was a Dark Hideous Prison where I heard the Clattering of Chains the Crackling of Flames the Slapping of Whips and a confused out-cry of Complaints I ask't what Quarter this was and they told me it was the Quarter of the Oh that I had 's What are those said I Answer was made that they were a Company of Brutish Sots so absolutely deliver'd up to Vice that they were damn'd insensibly and in Hell before they were aware They are now reflecting upon their Miscarriages and Omissions and perpetually crying out Oh that I had Examin'd my Conscience Oh that I had frequented the Sacraments Oh that I had humbled my self with Fasting and Prayer Oh that I had serv'd God as I ought Oh that I had Visited the Sick and Reliev'd the Poor Oh that I had set a Watch before the Door of my Lips I left these late Repentants as it appear'd in Exchange for worse which were shut up in a Base Court and the Nastiest that ever I saw These were
out of Toads Vipers and a Sir Reverence it self will fetch ye Gold ready Minted and fit for the Market which is more then all your Philosophical Projecters ever pretended to There is no Herb so Poysonous let it be Hemlock nor any stone so dry suppose the Pumice it self but they 'l draw silver out of it And then for words 't is Impossible to make up any word out of the four and twenty Letters but they 'l shew ye a Drug or a Plant of the Name and turn the Alphabet into as good Money as any 's in your Pocket Ask them for an Eye-Tooth of a Flying Toad they 'l tell ye yes ye may have of it in powder Or if you had rather have the Infusion of a Tench of the Mountains in a little Eeles Milk 't is all one to them If there be but any Money stirring you shall have what you will though there be to such thing in Nature Sâ— that it looks as if all â—he Plants and stones of the Creation had their several powers and Vertues given them only for the Apothecaries sakes and as if Words themselves had been only made for their Advantage Ye call them Apothecaries but instead of That I pray'e call them Armâ—râ—rs and their Shops Arsenals Are not their Medicines as Certain Death as Swords Daggers or Musquets while their Patients are Purg'd and Blouded into the other World without any regard either to Distemper Measure or Season If you will now see the Pleasantest sight you have seen yet walk up but these two steps and you shall see a Iury or Conspiracy of Barber-Surgeons sitting upon life and Death You must think that any Divertisement there was welcome so that I went up and found it in Truth a very pleasant Spectacle These Barbers were most of them Chain'd by the Middle their Hanâ—s at Liberty and Every one of them a Cittern about his Neck and upon his knees a Chess-board and still as he reach't to have a Touch at the Citteâ—â— the Instrument Vanish't and so did the Chess-board when he thought to have a Game at Draughts which is directly Tantalizing the poor Rogues for a Cittern is as Natural to a Barber as Milk to a Calf Some of them were washing of Asses Brains and putting them in again and scouring of Negroes to make them White When I had laught my Fill at these fooleries my next Discovery was of a great many people Grumbling and Muttering that There was no Body look't after them No not so much as to torment them as if Their Tayls were not as well worth the Toasting as their Neighbours Answer was made that being a kind of Devils themselves they might put in for some sort of Authority in the Place and Execute the Office of Tormenters This made me ask what they were And a Devil told me with Respect that they were a Company of Ungracious Left-handed Wretches that could do Nothing aright And their Grievance was that they were Quarter'd by Themselves but not knowing whether they were Men or No or indeed what else to make of them we did not know how to Match them or in what Company to put them In the world they are look't upon as Ill Omens And let any man meet one of them upon a Journey in a Morning Fasting 't is the same thing as if a Hare had cross't the way upon him He presently turns head in a Discontent and goes to bed again Ye know that Scaevola when he found his Mistake in killing Another for Porsenna the Secretary for the Prince burn't his Right-Hand in Revenge of the Miscarriage Now the severity of the Vengeance was not so much the Maiming or the Cripling of Himself but the Condemning of himself to be for ever Left-handed And so 't is with a Malefactor that suffers Justice The Shame and Punishment does not lye so much in the Loss of his Right-Hand as that the other is Left And it was the Curse of an old Bawd to a fellow that had vex'd her That He might go to the Devil by the stroke of a Left-handed Man If the Poets speak Truth as 't were a Wonder if they should not The Left is the Vnlucky side and there never came any Good from it And for my last argument against these Creatures The Goats and Reprobates stand upon the Left-hand And Left-handed men are in Effect a sort of Creature that 's made to do Mischief Nay whether I should â—all them Men or no I know not Hereupon a Devil becken'd me to come softly to him and so I did without a word speaking or the least Noise in the World Now says he if you 'l see the Daily Exercise of Ill-favour'd Women look through that Lattice-Window And there I saw such a Kennel of Vgly Bitches you would have blest your self Some with their faces so pounced and speckled as if they had been scarify'd and newly past the Cupping-Glass with a world of little Plaisters long round square and briefly cut out into such Variety that it would have posed a good Mathematician to have found out another Figure And you would have sworn that they had been either at Cats-play or Cuffs Others were scraping their faces with pieces of Glass tearing up their Eye-brows by the Roots like Mad And some that had none to tear were fetching out of their black Boxes such as they could get or make Others were powd'ring and curling their false Locks or fast'ning their new Ivory Teeth in the place of their old Ebony Ones Some were Chewing Lemon-pill or Cinamon to countenance a foul Breath And raising themselves upon their Ciopines that their View might be the fairer and their fall the Deeper Others were quarrelling with their Looking-Glasses for shewing them such Hags-faces and cursing the state of Venice for Entertaining no Better workmen Some were stuffing out their Bodies like Pack-saddles to cover secret Deformities And some again had so many Hoods over their faces to conceal the Ruines that I could hardly discern what they were And These past for Penitents Others with their pots of Hogs Grease and Pomatum were sleeking and polishing their faces and indeed their fore-heads were bright and shining though there were neither Suns nor Stars in That Firmament Some there were in Fine that would have fetch 't a man's Guts up at 's mouth to see them with their Masques of After-Births and with their Menstruous Slibber Slobbers dawbing one another to take away the Heats and Bubos Nasty and Abominable I cry'd Well quoth the Devil you see now how far a Woman's Wit and Invention will carry her to her own Destruction I could not speak one word for Astonishment at so horrid a spectacle till I had a little recollected my self and then said I If I may deal freely without Offence I dare Defy all the Devils in Hell to out-do these Women But pray'e let 's be gone for the sight of them makes my very Heart ake Turn about then said the Devil and there was a