wicked Wretch that left me there but he like a cruel man ran from me and there I perished without one Bird or Beast of the Creation by to pity me Sel. I like not this Sea Dam 'em get 'em aboard and then no matter what they dream I hate peevish people that will not be murdered quietly when 't is their turn come dispatch 'em Sir Sel. And what was your dream you little fearful Fool In. Marry God help me Nuncle I dreamed just sike ana grizely man as that set me down in Frost and Snow and ran away when he had done and by and by there came three hujus Bears Nuncle then I cried and scream'd out and God wait not can kerson Saul came to help me then I said good sweet Hony Bears do not kill me and yet the hard hearted Devils worried me all to bits and left not can morsel of me alive Sel. Is it possible Instinct should give Nature such hints of truths to come 's death what weep you for Ma. To practise hypocrisie I may have occasion for 't beside it is a kind of complement to weep with them at parting Fi. Come Sir away with 'em I fear they will work upon your good nature too and then all our hopes are cut off Sel. Thou wert always my comforter but now my counsellour I 'll see 'em aboard presently come my dear Nieces throw your idle dreams behind you I send you to the splendid Court of France where all good manners and civil breeding grow In. We have better manners â—ith half at York that have we and one York-shire Jig's worth a thousand French Dances that it is Bel. Dear Uncle let our sweet Cousins go with us that they may have the same Education that is allotted for us Sel. Not for the world the Town wou'd report I bred my Children at your charge and so conclude I mean them part of your Fortune Sea They consider nothing come Sir the Tide serves and go weâ— must In. Now by my Saul that ill-look'd Beast frights me ah thou's an ill-favoured grizely like Fellow that is sa Sel. Not one word more I charge you of all hands I 'll see you safe ashipboard pray for you and farewell In. Ene Gods Benison and mine be with you Cousins my heart gives me Iste be dead Cousin and if I die waâ—s me we'st ne'er play at Clapperde-pouch again Fi. Yes yes dear Cousin fear nothing Exeunt SCENE IV Enter Lord Bowman Laton Aimwell and Sir Hercules La. Sir Hercules Buffoon no man more glad to see you here is a most worthy and honourable Peer of the Realm desires to know you Her Not as a Lord but as a man of parts I salute you La. My Lord has great parts and virtues besides a man of great wit Her Wit pâ—ethee my Lord let 's hear a little of it Lo. When you give me occasion for 't you shall i' th' interim assure your self I have wit enough to honour and admire you Her Prethee my Lord let 's honour and admire one another till we find a reason for 't Lo. If we stay till then we shall admire one another long enough La. Here 's another worthy person his name is Bowman Sir Her Bowman Bowman by my life I honour and admire you to the Superlative degree you must needs be a swinging Lyer Bo. Why so Sir Her Sir I have a Hound of your name as errand a Cur as e'er came in field when my Dogs are hunting and at a fail he is the first that opens but the Devil a Hound i' th' Pack will believe him for he ne'er spoke truth in 's life So Sir if you be a true Bowman Bo. I 'm as errand a Cur as your Dog Bowman Her Despise not my Dog for ought you know you may be both of a Family Lo. This is an insufferable Fool indeed Her You 'll not be angry I hope a Hound is a Gentlemans Fellow in any ground in England Lo. In any hunting ground in England I grant you but we are men of no Exceptions nor you I hope Bo. Therefore good Sir Hercules let 's have a swinging Lie now Her You are a very idle Fool Sir Bo. What mean you by that I am no Fool Sir Her Then there 's a Lie for you and that 's what you required Lo. 'T is a kind of a witty Lie too Her 'T is so my Lord I have not spoke a word of truth to day I said I honoured and admired thee that 's another Lie for the Devil take me if I either honour or admire thee indeed I see nothing in thee to admire Aim O Sir Mr. Bowman is a man of most accomplish'd parts Her He 's an ill-natur'd Fellow then for he keeps 'em to himself I believe his good parts and terra incognita will be found together Lo. This is great wit Knight but very severe La. Come Sir Hercules be good natured and let 's have a Her Lie I know your meaning to tell you truth Sir this is none of my lying day Aim No! hast thou in the whole course of thy life any intervals of truth Her O Sir I 'm an old man and must think o' th' other world and therefore I 'm allow'd but three days a week to lie Bo. Prethee Knight who allows thee Her Our Parson I was forced to give him a Bull Calf to allow me them I 'd been excommunicated else La. But prethee Knight what doest thou do the other four days Bo. He looks like an Ass I believe when he speaks truth Her ' y faith so I do it is very childish and therefore I hate it however of those days I 'm very godly and go to Church Lo. How to Church man dost thou think there 's another world for thee Her Yes faith do I such a one as it is but those days I go to Church I would not speak a Lie for the worlds wealth Aim That day thou goest to Church I dare swear thou speakest truth Enter Esquire Buffoon Sq. You say right Gentlemen I have been his Son these eighteen years and he has ne'er been at Church since I was born Her You impudent Son of a Whore you Lo. O fie Sir Hercules who is this you call Son of a Whore Her My own Son of a Whore whose shou'd he be Lo. Nay if he be the Son of a Whore he ought to be thine Sq. Gentlemen I 'm not ashamed to own it I am my Fathers own Son of a Whore upon my credit Lo. Bowman the Son is a finer Fool than the Father Sq. Yet my Mother's virtuous enough if it were not for Aim What what prethee out with it Sq. O Sir she will lie most shamefully that is she wou'd lie as a man wou'd have her Her By my life the Boy 's i' th' right my Wife will lie with any man in England Bo. Do you own her to be so common Sir Her No I mean she will tell a lie with any man in England
in you than all Mankind besides Sel. Upon my Honour Gentlemen I never saw the man before Her Thou shameless Fellow canst thou with so bold a face say thou know'st me not Aim You are found out ' y saith Knight Her Hang him he knows me better than he knows his House-keeper Sel. I am at a stand and know not how in this case to behave my self Her I commend thee Marmaduke for driving a Jest so far the Devil take me Gentlemen if I thought it had been in him I loved thee dearly before but this jocose humour of thine makes me admire thee dear Rogue let me hug and kiss thee sweet Boy Sel. Stand off or as I am a Gentleman I 'll strike you which nothing cou'd make me do in my own house but such an impudent provocation Her Did you ever in your lives see a Jest so well managed Gentlemen he does it so rarely well that I dare swear you all think him in earnest La. Yes in good faith do we Her By my life so shou'd I but that I have known him these fifty years Sel. Pray ye Gentlemen open the Scene and discover what Buffoon this is Her Buffoon mark ye that as if he did not know me and yet name me he 'll carry it thus till I am angry with him Bo. Overwise is whispering of him he 'll trouble him worse than Buffoon Sir I am one that honour you my name is Overwise by that you may judge I am no Fool Sir Sel. â—s death this is a worse Fop than the other La. But Knight if Sir Marmaduke jokes he does it rarely well Her He is the Devil at joking but that I wou'd not say it to disgrace him he has been an old Player at Black Friers Sel. You eternal Dog I 'll cut your throat Gentlemen come ye to affront me Bo. Hold good Sir we come upon no such unworthy design I assure you Sir Over Sir read Seneca and he will teach you patience Sel. Dam thee Fop is patience to be exercised in thy company Her But you Friend Marmaduke now 't is time to leave fooling and to own me for your old Friend as you have done these fifty years or hang me if I do not declare you a proud foolish Fellow Sel. Gentlemen I love wit and joking no man more therefore if this be a Court Fool or a publick Buffoon declare it and he 's welcom Her Incomparable weâ—â— incomparable does he not carry it rarely well Gentlemen Aim I know not what to think are they acquainted or no for a wager Over No more than thou art with a reverend Divine or the Emperour of Iapan Aim Then is this Rogue Buffoon the Original of Impudence and the rest of Mankind mere Copies He whispers Sel. 's death your whispering torments me more than his impudence Gentlemen pray ye let me know the name and quality of this confident person Her Away away Fools 's heart he knows name and quality better than he knows his Children I 'll shew you by an infallible token that I know him for he has a Mole of his right Buttock as broad as both my hands Sel. By my life a Villain and he lies Gentlemen Her Why shew the contrary and that 's demonstration Sure he will not let down his Breeches to disprove me Sel. I know not whether to laugh or to be angry Pray ye Gentlemen let â—e know his name Bo. Sir his name is Hercules Buffoon Sel. O I have heard of him Sâ—r Hercules I must be bâ—tter known to you Her A good jest as if you â—nd I need to be better known Sel. Nay Sir I 'll own any thing you say to keep up your humour Over But one ear more with you Sir I 'm one that love curiosities have you really such a Mole o' your â—uttock Sel I can be angry no longer where the Devil wert thou bred that thou delightst so in Lying Her Now Sirs I 'll tell you how we two Arch Rogues robb'd my Mothers Orchard of all her Wall Fruit her Peaches Heart Cherries and her great Dutch Strawberries La. Pray ye Sir are Strawberries a Wall â—ruit Her You must know those were Greenland Strawberries and there they grow up to be â—ast great Trees and are nailed against the walls as Vines are La. By reason of the great heat of the Climate I suppose becaâ—se Greenland you know lies under the Line Her It does so thou hast travell'd or read Maps I find But Sir â—o clear our selves of robbing the Orchard we drew forty huge over grown Carps out of a Pond each six foot long at leâ—st Bo. How Carps six foot long thâ—t's twâ— yards Man Sel. But then you must consider they were overgrown Carps Her Right a monstrous overgrown Carp may be nine foot long But Sir we put 'em in the Peach treeâ— then fetch'd my Mother to see 'em and when we câ—me back the Câ—p were skipping from treâ— eating the fâ—uit as the Devil drove 'em so my Mother wonder'd at it and we were cleaâ—ed of the Robbery old Bâ—y Aim Now the Devil thy Tutor take thee for every motion of thy tongue thou deservest a whipping Her This Fellow is an infatuated Iew believes nothing not so much as a Greenland Strawberry tree Aim Did you never tell a Lie with Sir Iohn Mandevil for a wager Her Yes and made an Ass of him too I 'll tell you a thing that I am sure this Fellow will give no credit to Aim Now thou speakst truth I am sure of it Her Sir I have been in a strange Country where all Creatures are prodigiously bigger than in other parts of the world though of the same species for example I have seen a Bee as big as an Eagle Bo. Pray you how big were the Hives then Her Full as big as Westminster-hall onely they 're round Over A good Simile for we have a sort of English Vermin that bring all the Honey of the Nation to that Hive indeed Her I have seen a Cabage tree higher than the Monument upon Fish-street-hill Omnes Thou Boy thou Boy Her You do not believe me then the Devil take me if these homebred Fellows can be saved they neither know nor believe half the Creation Aim The Country thou speakst of is thy own creation Her Marmaduke upon my credit all their Main Masts for their Capital Ships are made of Cabage stauks and the Planks of the Ships are all Cabage leaves and better Timber by half than your English Oke Bo. If the Planks of their Ships be Cabage leaves prethee what are the Sails made of Her Upon my life all their Sails are made of Spiders webs Omnes Ha ha ha Her You ignorant Fops what do you laugh at a Spiders web there is ten times stronger than all the Canvas Sails in the world and the Spiders are bigger than the Kings fine Cranes in the Park but twenty times longer leg'd The first time I saw them they look'd like Lincolnshire men walking iâ—th ' Fens
about and laugh Clerk I had certainly laugh'd in the Judges Face but for consideration of you Sir La. Clerk take heed you be very just Clerk As your own heart ' y faith Bo. How thou wilt get clear of the Judge when he comes to have his Deer out of Whetstones Park I know not Her I have a harder task by half I am to help Aimwell to one of the rich Heiresses I have told him a damn'd Lie La. Like enough prethee what is it Her I told him the Guardian and I were intimate Friends old Acquaintants and Schoolfellows and the Devil take me if I ever saw him in my life yet I am resolv'd to face him down that we are dear Friends and old Acquaintants and that 's as hard a task as ever impudence undertook Bo. Faith so 't is considering the great Spirit of the Guardian Her I 'll do it for all that Sq. Give me thy hand Father I commend thy impudence old La. Bravely resolv'd come I will first treat thee then go with thee and back thee manfully Exeunt FOURTH ACT. SCENE I. Enter Lord Arminger Guardian Mariana Waiters Lo. WAit in the next Room Sel. I am prouder to have the great Lord Arminger under this mean Roof than haughty Princes are of Empire and I bow with such reverence to your person as holy men do to the holy Altar and with the same humility offer my Oblation up receive her as from Heaven for she is fraught with virtue equal with the Angels Lo. Sir I admire you with more than common wonder Guardians usually make price of the innocent Orphans in their charge but you are more than just you are kind and to that degree which Parents have for Children Sel. I shall betray my self with violent fondness such torrents of love flow in me that I think the World too little for her Dower Ma. Indeed my Lord his tender care seems to have more of Father than Guardian in 't in which we hold our selves most highly blessed Sel. My good Lord I leave you to make your Court where doubtless you 'll find your love most worthily and readily received Exit Seldin Lo. Madam your Uncle spoke largly of your Virtues to me but nothing of your Person and now I see the cause for 't is impossible the capacity of Man shou'd reach the character of so much Beauty as I now behold and all the rest must needs submit to crown you Goddess of your admired Sex Ma. My Lord you answer not your character you were rendered to me the onely Man of Honour Truth and Justice and I hear nothing but aâ—ery Complement fine Poetical Flattery fit onely to catch Girls Lo. Madam by my Honour and that 's my dearest treasure I flatter not but speak truth just as my heart conceives it therefore I again declare you are the onely Beauty that ever yet my eye encountered and I find a dotage stealing on me more than common love Ma. Hold my Lord I command you for sure she may command that is so much admired therefore by that precious Gemm your Honour are those sweet words you 've spoken truth Lo. Madam by all the bliss I hope for I have no falshood in me Ma. Then stop and go no further in your love I charge you for I must never be your Wife Lo. How Madam I came prepar'd by your Uncle this day to marry you Ma. O my Lord that day is further off than the unknown uncertain hour of Doom Lo. Madam if there be cause for this your cruelty reveal it and by the Original of all Honour here I swear this Bosom is your Grave to bury all your Secrets Ma. I believe you my Lord with the same Faith I do Religion Lo. Madam you have repriev'd my Life by thinking me worthy of your thoughts though unworthy of your love Ma. O my honoured Lord it is my unworthiness not yours that must for ever keep this cruel distance Lo. What e'er the reason is that cannot be it say you 're contracted unknown to your Uncle say any cruel thing but that Ma. Then I declare the noble character my Uncle gave me of your Lordship sprung in me a true and perfect love which made my desires so violent to see you that since my life till now was more uneasie than a sick mans restless night and yet must never marry Lo. Never was man pleased and startled so at once Infinitely pleased to hear you say you love but strangly startled that you ne'er must marry the thought frights me the Ghosts of murder'd men shake not guilty Slaves as that resolve shakes me I find Man is not fortified to bear the frights of love I beseech you Madam if you have cause for this your resolution give me some ease by imparting it Ma. It is so dreadful for a good man to hear but if your Lordship will ask my Uncles leave to carry me and my Sister abroâ—d you then shall know why you and I must never marry Lo. Your resolution has dispersed my spirits so they are never more to be collected all within me lies confused a mad man's bloud 's in better temper and I am all on fire till I am satisfied Ma. My Lord I am destroyed if you reveal me Lo. You are more cruel in distrusting that than in refusing me Ma. Your pardon and henceforth my trust shall ever rest in you Exeunt SCENE II. Enter Sir Hercules Bowman Aimwell Laton Overwise Aim You have put me off from time to time and I am resolved to be no longer fooled therefore try your Interest you boast of with the Guardian or Her Well Fool doubt not me in the least this is the greatest strait I ever yet was put to Bowman for me to salute and impudently embrace a man of his high spirit and face him down that we are dearland intimate Friends and yet never saw him the Devil take me 't is a damn'd audacious task Bo. However go forward here 's my hand thou shalt not suffer Her Then dear Impudence stand my friend this one push and I 'll own thee for my Patron all my life La. Here comes the Guardian bear up Knight Omnes Your most humble Servant Sir Enter Seldin Sel. Gentlemen I am to crave your pardon my Niecâ—s are not this day to be seen however the freedom of my house I tender you with all the respect imaginable Her Sure Sir Marmaduke you will let your intimate Friend see your Nieces dear Rogue how dost thou do Own me for your Friend and Schoolfellow 't will be thousands in your way This worthy Gentleman dear Friend thou must know Sel. It will concern me more to know you Sir for in my life I never met such confidence Her Why how now Marmaduke has your Guardianship made you proud have you forgot your self Sel. What the Devil means this Fellow Gentlemen who knows this Creature or who brought him hither Aim We all know him and he brought us hither pretending more Interest
upon Stilts Omnes Ha ha ha Aim If every man here shou'd cut an inch of his tongue out he wou'd have enough lefâ— I warrant ye to tell a Lie Over Really if one inch were off 't is possible he might speak truth and if one inch will not do my opinion is to cut it clear out Bo. Prethee Knight what 's the name of the Country where these wonders grow Her 'T is call'd 't is call'd Terra Incognita all the Seamen i' th' world know it ne'er a Skuller o' th' Thames but knows Terra Incognita Fool Bo. 'T is as well known as the North East Passage to the Indies the Seamen know it as well as they know the Garden of Eden Her Why there 's no question i' th' world of it Man Aim If thou shou'dst be condemned to speak truth all thy life what a case wert thou in Her I 'll hold thee five Guineys the next thing I speak of shall be truth and deposit in Sir Marmaduke's hand Aim Done for five Guineys there Sir Her And there Sir You know I told ye Gentlemen that the Guardian and I were old Acquaintants and intimate Friends and may I perish if ever I saw him in my life bâ—fore this hour speak truth now Guardian Sel. The man speaks truth now upon my honour Gentlemen Her Then I have won Now I 'll hold thee five Guineys more that I ne'er speak truth again as long as I live Omnes Ha ha ha ha Enter Servant Ser. My Lord Arminger is come and desires to see you Sel. Gentlemen I must crave your pardon great business calls me from ye but I desire ye to take the freedom of my house Exit Seldin and Enter Alderman and Squire Her Uncle what makes you here Ald. I have match'd our Squire to the Northern Heiress and settled all my Estate upon the Lady Bo. Sir your Nephew cannot marry till he is out of his time for he is Prentice to a Poet. Ald. How Prentice to a Poet Sq. Yes and a greater honour than to be a Lord Uncle you wou'd say so if you knew the Records of Parnassus I have taken the degree of Ass already Ald. Ass Poets are the wittiest men of our Nation then what relation can an Ass have to a Poet Blockhead Sq. O Uncle you wou'd a blest your self to a seen me pass the grand Ceremony of an Ass First I kneel'd in my Shirt then all these Gentlemen according to the Rules of Parnassus threw a hundred Bumpers of Claret in my face Ald. Bumper prethee what 's a Bumper Sq. For shame Uncle not know what a Bumper is Bumper is the Parnassus word for a Beer Glass top full Her O the Learning of Parnassus exceeds all the Greek Hebrew Scotch Welsh and Irish in the world Ald. I find they made an Ass of thee indeed La. But you must know 't was done by the Laws of Parnassus where the Records of Poetry are most sacredly kept Ald. â—ecords of Parnassus prethee what place is Parnassus Sq. 'T is a place of rest for the Souls of the Poets for you must know they never go to Heaven but when they die their Souls are conâ—emned to Parnassus there to sing Madrigals every one in praise of his own Poetry to all eternity Aim And that doubtless pleases them better than going to Heaven Ald. But will abusing a man inspire him with wit Her The Ceremony without question will â—or never was Boy so improved Ald. But will his wit get him an Estate as mine has done Her Nay by my faith I cannot say that Ald. Then a Wit is a pitiful poor Creature and I 'll warrant you one that will borrow money of his very Father I have more wit than a hundred of ' em Sq. I Uncle you got your wit out of Eternal Hopkins Ald. Come let me see your Master Over I am the person that honours your Nephew so far as to make him my Prentice Ald. Honour him he honours thee thou vainglorious Poet but I do not blame thee for 't is natural to you all But 〈…〉 I 'll try whether you 're a Poet or no break a 〈…〉 without 〈…〉 Over Hold Sir a Jest is not so quickly at a Poets command Ald. Then you 're a dull insipid Poet and will never go to Parnassus To tell you true I like not your Profession therefore I 'll buy the Boys time out I 'll give you a hundred pound that you may take some lawful Calling for Poets and Players are never useful but of a Lord Maiors day when they 're mounted on a Padgeant Bo. What think you of the Authority of the Nation that allows them Ald. For all that we Citizens are always of our own opinion and I say again Poets and Players are never useful but when a King is crown'd or a Lord Maior is chosen and 't is the opinion of the Court of Aldermen and I 'll stand in it Exeunt SCENE III. Enter Lord Arminger and Mariana Ma. I am here by promise to give your Lordship Reasons why you and I must never marry and prepare your self for I 've a story bloud and horrour are the least things in 't Lo. Bless me it startles all my Spirits to hear sweet Innocence talk of bloud you must be virtuous such Sweetness cannot deceive Ma. My Lord I am false a lewd Impostor and not the Heiress whom you came to marry Lo. How you have not lest me sense enough to wonder my bloud wants motion and life is stealing from me and not sensible speak again for 't is impossible you shou'd e'er be wicked Ma. I am not the Heiress but Sir Marmaduke Seldins own Daughter and the true Heiresses my dear and lovely Kinswomen are Lo. Are what where speak Ma. Murder'd what opinion have you of my Virtue now my Lord Lo. I rather fear your Senses than your Virtue yet some wild extravagancy hath seiz'd your parts and made your Tongue strike false such a heavenly Fabrick cannot be tenanted with Devils therefore deliver truth in short and let me be at ease Ma. Our cruel Father forc'd our consents to that more cruel murder and had we refused we had infallibly met our own deaths Lo. Hold my heart has met so violent a storm 't will everset I bear a weight of grief heavier than Atlas burthen Pray you speak of something else my ears are filled with so much wickedness they have no room for more pray you speak the rest as softly as you can Ma. Then thus my Lord having met my Father in all his bloudy purposes Lo. Bless me how unconcern'd she talks of Bloud her tongue persuades one way and her heavenly form another Ma. But the contrivance of theâ—s deathr so infinitely surpriz'd and pleased my Father that he trusted our Engines with the bloudy deed Lo. Bless me how my opinion comes and goes you seem to rejoyce Madam Ma. Then hear me Sir My own Servant having a Seaman to her Lover hired a Ship to