gift of God O that hee would give it mee but it is as impossible as to drinke up the Sea at a draught as for that of Solomon if hee had ever tried that which I feele by woefull experience hee would never have spoken as he did but the truth is never had mortall man such an evident experience of Gods anger and hatred against him as I have you that are in a good estate thinke repentance and faith to be workes of great facilitie and therefore you thinke it an easie matter to perswade a man to beleeve the whole need not the Physician and hee that is well can soone give counsell to such as are ill but this is the hell to mee my heart is hardned I cannot beleeve many are called but few are chosen Vpon what grounds said they doe you conceive so ill an opinion of your selfe I once did know God to bee my Father not onely by creation but by regeneration I knew him by his beloved Sonne the authour and finisher of our Salvation I could pray to him and hope for pardon of sinnes from him I had a taste of his sweetnesse peace and comfort now contrarily I know God not as a Father but as an enemy what more my heart hates God and seekes to get above him I have nothing else to flie to but terrour despaire Belike you thinke then said they that those who have the earnest and first fruits of Gods Spirit may notwithstanding fall away The judgements of God are a deepe abisse said he wee are soone drowned if we enter into them he that thinks he standeth let him take heed lest hee fall as for my selfe I know I am falne backe and that I once did know the truth though it may be not so throughly I know not what else to say but that I am one of that number which God hath threatned to teare in pieces Say not so answered they for God may come though at the last houre keepe hold therefore at the least by hope This quoth he is my case I tell you I cannot God hath deprived mee of hope this brings terror to my minde and pines this hodie which now is so weake as it cannot performe the severall offices thereof for as the Elect have the Spirit testifying that they are the sonnes of God so the Reprobates even while they live do often feele a worme in their conscience whereby they are condemned already and therefore as soone as I perceived this wound inflicted on my minde and will I I knew that I wanted the gifts of saving grace and that I was utterly undone God chasteneth his children with temporarie afflictions that they may come as gold out of the fire but pupunisheth the wicked with blindnesse in their understandings hardnesse of heart and woe be to such from whom God takes his holie Spirit Here one rebuked him and told him he gave too much credit to sence that hee was not to beleeve himselfe but rather him that was in a good estate and I testifie to you said he that God will be mercifull to you Nay answered he for because I am in this ill estate therfore can I beleeve nothing but what is contrarie to my salvation and comfort but you that are so confident of your good state looke that it bee true for it is no such small matter to be assured of sinceritie a man had need bee exceeding stronglie grounded in the Truth before hee can bee able to affirme such a matter as you now doe it is not the performance of a few outward duties but a mightie constant labour with all intention of heart and affection with full desire and endeavour continually to set forth Gods glorie there must bee neither feare of Legates Inquisitors Prisons nor anie death whatsoever manie thinke themselves happie that are not it is not every one that saith Lord Lord that shall goe to heaven They came another day and found him with his eyes shut as if hee had beene drowzie and verie loath to discourse at which time there came in also a grave man from Cittadella who demanded of Spira if hee knew him or not he lifting up his eye-lids and not suddenly remembring him the man said to him I am Presbiter Antonie Fontanina I was with you at Venice some 8. weeks since O cursed day sayd Spira O cursed day O that I had never gone thither would God I had then died Afterwards came in a Priest called Bernardinus Sardoneus bringing with him a booke of Exorcismes to conjure this divell whom when Spira saw shaking his head he said I am verily perswaded indeed that God hath left mee to the power of the divells but such they are as are not to be found in your Letanie neither will they be cast out by spels The Priest proceeding in his intended purpose with a strange uncouth gesture and a loud voice adjured the Spirit to come into Spira's tongue and to answer Spira deriding his fruitlesse labour with a sigh turned from him A Bishop being there present said to Spira brother God hath put vertue into the Word and Sacraments and wee have used the one means and find not that effect which we desire shall we trie the efficacie of the Sacraments surely if you take it as a true Christian ought to receive the body and bloud of Christ it will proove a soveraigne medicine for your sicke soule This I cannot do answered hee for they that have no right to the promises have no right to the seales the Eucharist was appointed onely for beleevers if wee have not faith we eate and drinke judgement to our selves I received it about a moneth since but I did not well in so doing for I tooke it by constraint and so I tooke it to my deeper condemnation Here Vergerius began to importune him earnestly to beware that he did not wilfully resist grace put himself out of haven charging him vehemently by all the love that was betweene them by the love which hee bare to his children yea to his owne soule that he would set himselfe seriously to returne to that faith and hope which once hee had in the death of Christ with many such like words Spira having heard much of the like matter formerlie being somewhat moved said You do but repeat Vergerius what should I hope why should I beleeve God hath taken faith from mee shew mee then whither I shall goe shew mee a haven whereto I shall retire you tell mee of Gods mercy when as God hath cast mee off you tell mee of Christs intercession I have denied him you command mee to beleeve I say I cannot you bring mee no comfort your command is as impossible for me to obey as to keep the Morall Law if you should perswade one to love God with all his heart soule and strength and God gives him not the power can he performe your desire doth not the church teach us to sing direct us O
somewhat for him Remember man that the sufferings of this present life are not comparable to the glorie that shall bee revealed if thou sufferest with him thou shalt also raigne with him thou canst not answer for what thou hast alreadie done neverthelesse the gate of mercie is not quite shut take heed that thou heapest not sinne upon sinne lest thou repent when it will be too late Now was Spira in a wildernesse of doubts not knowing which way to turne him nor what to doe yet being arrived in his owne Countrey and amongst his friends with shame enough hee relates what he had done and what he had further promised to doe and how the terrors of God on the one side and the terrour of this world on the other side did continually racke him and therefore hee desired of them advise in this so doubtfull a case his friends upon small deliberation answered that it was requisite hee should take heed that hee did not in any wise betray his wife and children and all his friends into danger seeing that by so smal a matter as the reciting of a little Schedule which might bee done in lesse space then half an houre he might both free himselfe from present danger and preserve many that depended upon him adding moreover that hee could get no Credit in relenting from that which he had already in greatest part performed before the Legate at Venice and that in the perfect accomplishing thereof little or no discredit could arise more then what by the former action already he had sustained on the other side if hee did not performe his promise made to the Legate hee could neither discharge himselfe of the shame which he had already incurred nor avoyd farre more heavy and insupportable injuries then probably he should have endured if hee had persisted obstinately in his former Opinions This was the last blow of the battaile and Spira utterly overcome goes to the Praetor and proffers to performe his foresaid promise made to the Legate who in the meane time had taken order to have all things ready and had sent the instrument of abjuration signed by Spira to the Praetor by the hands of a certaine Priest All that night the miserable man ware out with restlesse cares without any minute of rest the next morning being come he gets up and being ready he desperately enters into the publique Congregation where Masse being finished in the presence of friends and enemies and of the whole Assembly being by estimation neere two thousand people yea and of Heaven it selfe he recites that infamous abjuration word for word as it was written it being done he was fined at thirtie pieces of gold which he presently paid five whereof were given to the Priest that brought the abjuration the other twentie five were imployed towards the making of a Shryne to put the Eucharist in then was he sent home restored to his Dignities goods wife and children No sooner was hee departed but he thought hee heard a direfull voyce saying to him thou wicked wretch thou haste denyed mee thou hast renounced the covenant of thy obedience thou hast broken thy vow hence Apostate beare with thee the sentence of thy eternall damnation hee trembling and quaking in body and mind fell down in a swoune reliefe was at hand for the body but from that time forwards he never found any 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 minde but 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in uncessant torment 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 professed that he was captived under the revenging hand of the great God that hee heard continually that fearefull sentence of Christ that just Iudge that hee knew he was utterly undone that he could neither hope for grace nor Christs intercessiō w th God the Father in his behalfe thus was his fault ever heavy on his heart and ever his Iudgement before his eyes Now began his friends some of them to repent too late of their rash counsell others not looking so high as the Iudgement of God laid all the blame upon his Melancholicke constitution that overshadowing his judgment wrought in him a kinde of madnesse every on censured as his fancy led him yet for remedy all agreed in this to use both the wholesome helpe of Physicians and the pious advise of Divines and therefore thought it meet to convey him to Padua an Vniversitie of note where plenty of all manner of meanes was to be had this they accordingly did both with his wife children and whole family others also of his friends accompanying him and being arrived at the house of one Iames Ardin in Saint Leonards Parish they sent for three Physicians of most note who upon due observation of the effects of other Symptomes of his disease and some private conference one with another among themselves returned their verdict in this manner viz. That they could not discerne that his body was afflicted with any danger or distemper originally from it selfe by reason of the over-ruling of any humour but that this Maladie of his did arise from some griefe or passion of his minde which being overburthened did so oppresse the spirits as they wanting free passage stirred up many ill humours whereof the body of man is full these ascending up into the braine troubled the fancie shadowed the seat of the judgment and so corrupted it this was the state of his disease and that outward part that was visible to the eye of nature this they endeavoured to reforme by purgation either to consume or at least to divert the course of those humors from the braine but all their skil effected nothing which Spira noting said Alas poore men how farre wide are you doe you thinke that this disease is to be cured by potions beleeve mee there must bee another manner of medicine it is neither potions plaisters nor drugs that can helpe a fainting soule cast downe with sense of sinne and the wrath of God it is onely Christ that must bee the Physician and the Gospel the sole Antidote The Physicians easily beleeved him after they had understood the whol truth of the matter and therfore they wished him to seeke some spirituall comfort By this time the fame of this man was spred over all Padua and the neighbour Countrey partly for that he was a man of Esteeme partly because as the disease so the occasion was especially remarkeable for this vvas not done in a corner so as daily there came multitudes of all sorts to see him some out of curiositie onely to see and discourse some out of a pious desire to try all meanes that might reduce him to comfort againe or at least to benefit themselves by such a spectacle of misery and of the justice of God Amongst these Paulus Vergerius Bishop of Iustinopolis and Mattheus Gribauldus deserve especially to bee named as the most principall labourers for this mans comfort They finde him now about fiftie years of age neither affected with the dotage of old age nor with the unconstant headstrong passion of youth but in
the strength of his experience and judgment in a burning heat calling excessively for drinke yet his understanding active quicke of apprehension wittie in discourse above his ordinary manner and judiciously opposite his friends laboured him by all faire meanes to receive some nourishment which he obstinately gaine-saying they forcibly infused some liquid sustenance into his mouth most of which he spit out againe exceedingly chafing and in this fretting mood of his said As it is true that all things worke for the best to those that love God so to the wicked all are contrary for whereas a plentifull off-spring is the blessing of God and his reward being a stay to the weak estate of their aged parents to me they are a cause of bitternesse and vexation they doe strive to make mee tire out this misery I would faine be at an end I deserve not this dealing at their hands O that I were gone from hence that some body would let out this weary Soule His friends saluted him and asked him what hee conceived to be the cause of his disease forthwith he brake out into a lamentable discourse of the passages formerly related that with such passionate Elocution that hee caused many to weep most to tremble They contrarily to comfort him propounded many of Gods promises recorded in the Scripture and many examples of Gods mercy My sinne said he is greater then the mercy of God Nay answered they the mercy of God is above all sin God would have all men to be saved It is true quoth he hee would have all that he hath elected â—bee sâ—aved he would not have damned reprobates to be saved I am one of that number I know it for I willingly and against my knowledge denied Christ and I feele that hee hardens and will not suffer me to hope After some silence one asked him whether hee did not beleeve that Doctrine to bee true for which hee was accused before the Legate hee answered I did beleeve it when I denied it but now I neither beleeve that nor the Doctrine of the Romane Church I beleeve nothing I have no faith no trust no hope I am a Reprobate like Cain or Iudas who casting away all hope of mercy fell into despaire and my friends doe mee great wrong that they suffer me not to goe to the place of unbeleevers as I justly deserve Heere they beganne sharpely to rebuke him requiring and charging him that in any wise hee did not violate the mercy of God to which he answered The mercy of God is exceeding large and extends to all the elect but not to mee or any like to mee who are sealed up to wrath I tell you I deserve it my owne conscience condemnes me what needeth any other Iudge Christ came said they to take away sinne and calling for a book they read unto him the passion of Christ and comming to his nayling to the Crosse Spira said This indeed is comfortable to such as are elected but as for me wretch they are nothing but griefe and torment because I contemned them Thus roaring for griefe tossing himself up downe upon the bed as he lay he intreated them to read no more As Gribauldus was comming to see him Vergerius said to Spira deare Sir heere is Doctor Gribauldus a godly and faithfull friend of yours come to see you He is welcome said he but hee shall find mee ill Gribauldus replyed Sir this is but an illusion of the divell who doth what he can to vexe you but turne you to God with your whole heart and he is ready to shew you mercy the earth you know is full of his mercy it is He that hath said that as often as a sinner repents of his sinne hee will remember his sinnes no more Consider this in the example of Peter that was Christs familiar and an Apostle and yet denied him thrice with an oath and yet God was mercifull unto him consider the theefe that spent his whole life in wickednesse and for all that did not God graciously respect him in the last minute of his life Is the Lords hand now shortned that it cannot save to this Spira answered If Peter grieved and repented it was because Christ beheld him with a mercifull eye and in that he was pardoned it was not because hee wept but because God was gracious to him but God respects not me and therefore I am a reprobate I feel no comfort can enter into my heart there is no place there but onely for torments and vexings of spirit I tell you my case is properly mine own no man ever was in the like plight and therefore my estate is fearefull Then roaring out in the bitternesse of his spirit said It is a fearefull thing to fall into the hands of the living God the violence of his passion and action sutable did amaze many of the beholders insomuch as some of them said with a whispering voyce that he was possessed hee over-hearing it said Doe you doubt it I have a whole Legion of divels that take up their dwellings within mee and possesse me as their owne and justly too for I have denyed Christ Whether did you that willingly or not said they That is nothing to the purpose said Spira Christ saith whosoever denies mee before men him will I deny before my Father which is in Heaven Christ will not bee denied no not in word and therefore it is enough though in heart I never denied him They observing his distemper to arise from the sense and horror of the paines of hell asked him whether he thought there were worse paines then what he endured for the present he said that he knew there were far worse paines then those that hee then suffered for the wicked shall rise to their judgement but they shall not stand in Iudgement this I tremble to thinke of yet doe I desire nothing more then that I might come to that place where I may bee sure to feele the worst and to be freed from feare of worse to come I but you are to consider said one that those opinions for which you were accused before the Legate were impious and therefore you are not to thinke you denied Christ but rather that you confessed him acknowledging the infallible truth of the Catholike Church Truly said he when I did denie those opinions I did think them to be true yet I did deny them Goe to said others now then beleeve that they are not Now I cannot said hee God will not suffer mee to beleeve them nor trust in his mercy What would you have mee doe I would faine attaine to this power but cannot though I should presently be burnt for it But why doe you said the other esteeme this so grievous a sinne when as the learned Legate constrained you to it which hee surely would not have done if your former opinions had not beene Erroneous no good Francis the divell besets thee let not
himselfe up Behold said he I am strong yet by little and little I decay and consume and my servants would faine preserve this weary life but at length the will of God must be done and I shall perish miserably as I deserve rejoyce yee righteous in the Lord blessed are you whose hearts the Lord hath mollified Then after some pause It is wonderfull I earnestly desire to pray to God with my heart yet I cannot I see my damnation and I know my remedy is onlie in Christ yet I cannot set my selfe to laie hold on it such are the punishments of the damned they confesse what I confesse they repent of their losse of heaven they envie the Elect yet their repentance doth them no good for they cannot mend their waies As he was thus speaking hee observed divers flies that came about him and some lighted on him Behold said hee now also Belzebub comes to his banquet you shall shortly see my end and in mee an example to manie of the justice judgement of God About this time came in two Bishops with divers Schollers of the Vniversity one of them being Paulus Vergerius having observed Spira more then any other beeing continually conversant with him told him his estate was such as rather stood in need of Prayer then advice and therefore desired him to pray with him in the Lords Prayer Spira consented and he began Our Father which art in heaven then breaking forth into teares he stopped but they said it is well your griefe is a good signe I bewaile said he my miserie for I perceive I am forsaken of God and cannot call to him from my heart as I was wont to doe yet let us goe on said Vergerius Thy Kingdome come O Lord said Spira bring mee also into this Kingdome I beseech thee shut mee not out Then comming to those words Give us this day our daily bread he added O Lord I have enough and abundance to feed this carkeise of mine but there is another bread I humbly begge the bread of thy grace without which I know I am but a dead man Leade us not into temptation seeing Lord that I am brought into temptation helpe mee Lord that I may escape the enemie hath overcome helpe mee I beseech thee to overcome this cruell Tyrant These things hee spake with a mournfull voyce the teares trickling down abundantly and expressing such affection and passion as turned the bowels of those there present with griefe and compunction they then turning to Spira said You know that none can call Christ Iesus the Lord but by the Holie Ghost you must therefore think of your selfe according to that soft affection which you expresse in your prayers inferring thereby that God hath not wholly cast you off or bereaved you of his Spirit utterly I perceive said Spira that I call on him to my eternall damnation for I tell you againe it is a new and unheard of example that you finde in me If Iu das said they had but outlived his dayes which by nature hee might have done hee might have repented and Christ would have received him to mercie and yet hee sinned most grievously against his Master which did so esteeme of him as to honour him with the dignitie of an Apostle and did maintaine and feed him Hee answered Christ did also feed and honour mee neither yet is my fault one jot lesse then that of his because it is not more honour to bee personally present with Christ in the flesh then to bee in his presence now by illumination of his holy Spirit and besides I denie that ever Iudas could have repented how long soever he had lived for grace was quite taken from him as it is now from mee O Spira said they you know you are in a spirituall desertion you must therefore not beleeve what Satan suggests hee was ever a lyar from the beginning and a meere Impostour and will cast a thousand lying fancies into your minde to beguile you withall you must rather beleeve those whom you judge to be in a good estate and more able to discerne of you then your selfe beleeve us and wee tell you that God will be mercifull unto you O here is the knot said Spira I would I could beleeve But I cannot Then he began to reckon up what fearefull dreames and visions hee was continually troubled withall that hee saw the divels come flocking into his Chamber and about his bed terrifying him with strange noises that these were not fancies but that hee saw them as really as the standers by and that besides these outward terrours hee felt continually a racking torture of his minde and a continuall butchery of his conscience being the very proper pangs of the damned wights in hell Cast these fancies said Gribauldus these are but illusions humble your selfe in the presence of God and praise him The dead praise not the Lord answered he nor they that goe down into the pit wee that are drowned in despaire are dead and are already gone downe into the pit what hell can there be worse then desperation or what greater punishment the gnawing worme unquenchable fire horrour confusion and which is worse then all desperation it selfe continually tortures me and now I count my present estate worse then if my soule separated from my body were with Iudas and the rest of the damned and therefore I now desire rather to be there then thus to live in the body One being present repeated certaine words out of the Psalmes If thy children forsake my law and walk not in my judgments I will visite their transgressions with rods and their iniquities with stripes neverthelesse my loving kindnesse I will not utterly take from them nor suffer my faithfulnesse to faile Marke this O Spira my Covenant I will not breake These promises said Spira belong onely to the elect which if tempted may fall into sin but are againe lifted up and recovered out as the Prophet saith though he fall he shall not be utterly cast downe for the Lord uphouldeth him Therefore Peter could rise for he was Elected but the reprobate when they fall cannot rise againe as appeares in Cain Saule and Iudas God deales one way with the Elect and another way with Reprobates The next day hee prayed with them in the Latine tongue and that with excellent affection as outwardly appeared blessed bee God said Vergerius these are no signes of eternall reprobation you must not O Spira seeke out the secret counsels of Gods election and reprobation for no man can know so long as hee lives whether by his good or bad deeds hee bee worthy of Gods love or anger doe you not know that the Prophet David complained that God had cast off his Soule I know all this quoth Spira I know the mercies of God are infinite and doe surpasse the sinnes of the whole world and that they are effectuall to all that beleeve but this faith and this hope is the