MERRY IESTS Concerning Popes Monkes and Friers Whereby is discouered their Abuses and Errors c. Written first in Italian by N. S. and thence translated into French by G. I. and now out of French into English By R. W. Bac. of Arts of H.H. in Oxon. Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit vtile dulci. Printed by G. Eld. 1617. The Translator to the Reader COurteous Reader for so I hope to finde thee so nefande and execrable I confesse haue beene the practises of the Papists in this exorbitant age of the world as late barbarous attempts at home a later bloudy deed abroad can well testifie that no man I thinke hath a toung so Satirically invectiue that hee can any waye make the bitternes of his speech correspondent to the cruelty of their actions Wherefore these Apologues long since fitted to their follies in comparison with it may seeme vnto thee like Domitions pricking of flies in regard of managing the astaires of his Empire yet good vse may be made of them in these our dayes For as in former time among the Romans who were neuer almost without warres there were Ludi Circences and Naumachiae plaies as they accounted them but in nature consonant to their present imployments for they did both yeeld recreation for the present and also excercise them against any future ocasion so in these our daies of warfare against the trecheries of the Papists after thy wiriting against their errors or reading of graue controuersies or at least more serious consideration of their irreligious practices against vs these Apologues may serue vnto thee as a recreation and yet withall they wil afford thee a manifest declaration of some of their sortish superstitions good arguments against them for vnder a fabulous superficies thou shalt find true substance and in a seeming tale manifesteth truth Wherefore as Virgil on a time hauing some of old Ennius his workes in his hands said to one asking him what hee did Ex Ennis stercoro aurum colligo so maist thou reading in this booke answeare any demaunding what thou dost that thou gatherest gold out of the dust of Apologues But that I may come to my selfe if the plainenes of the translation bee not pleasing to curious eares I Apologize for my selfe two waies first that mine Author shall excuse mee whom I so followed as one intending to translate and not to make a new Secondly wherein also I excuse mine Author that the forme of the Apologues is such namely a relation of Dialogues where inquam and inquit is oft inferred that it could not bee otherwise Yet as gold is not to bee refused because it is digged out of the earth nor pearles because they are found in the sands so I hope these witty conceites will not bee distastfull to any although they bee not related in curious tearmes and that I shall not deserue dispraise in immitating him in words of whom I borrowed the subiect of my speech And so committing my selfe my translation to thy censure I commit thee and my selfe to him that will censure vs both wishing thee as thou likest this first booke so to expect more of me hereafter Thine as thou art mine Rowland Willet To the Reader WEe thought the Tuscans are more strange then true Which by the new found Perspective descri'd Far off smooth-seeming Luna's rougher hue Which simple ignorance had long belied See heere this Glasse o're Alpes clouds detects Romes long-maskt Mconelike tumors defects W. R. to R. W. WOuldst know the vulgar censure of thy book Or how the Apists Will thy fables take He tell in briefe the first like Boyes will brooke Thy wholsome pills but for the gilding sake The last will put thee on the tenter booke And winke at that their sottish selues did make Crying as once did the Athenians sad Democritus by his laughing sure is mad But when Hipocrates that learned sage Shall feele thy temperate pulse and know whence springs Thy laughter he will cry the Romanes rage Democritus is wise the Pope and Popelings All are mad who sell the heauenly heritage While they themselues float on the Diuels wings The Cordelier is mad who weares on 's coate The rope which better would becom his throat H. I. H.I. to R.W. IF painefull Merchants who haue ventur'd far To bring home treasure from a forraign Land Deserue great praise and iustly honour'd are How can thy booke but of the publike band Win generall applause though at the barre Of enuy and her brood thy worth should stand With 2 strang tongs thou deckst thy mothers tong Merchants but fat the land with forrain dung To R. W. T Is true Italienated English men Are by the Prouerb stil d incarnate deuills But this Italian English by my pen Containes a million of infernall euils Of Popes Monkes Cardinalls and Nuns ye tell These are the fiends I meane and bags of hell I. S. To the Papist Reader TVsh will the Popish Reader say th' are lies Professed Apologues slaunders all may see I grant 't is so And yet as I surmize T is with a matter of truth ye slandred be Your truest Legends are but tales Canoniz'd Your serious workes ridiculous to view His falsest tales are stories but mispriz'd And why may not the man which laughes speake true Only for this vntruth I must him blame In that he giues the truth a lyers name Only in this I needs must say he failes And tels a tale in that he calls them tales I. H. The Translator to the Reader IF that a Iury doe condemne or quit Our Iudges and our Lawes allow of it And none is found so peeuish and peruerse To goe about their verdicts to reuerse A friendly Iuries censure here you see Which of reproofe doth quit my booke and mee Then none I hope deuoid of hereses Will either me dispraise or it despise But if the Papists raile and Pope doe curse He blesse againe not thinke my selfe the worse Nor let men thinke these Apologues are lies Being grounded on Authenticke histories As I m part the learned well can tell Then Reader be a friendly iudge farewell R. W. MERRY IESTES of Popes Munkes and Friers Wherein are discouered the Abuses of the Pope and his followers The first Apologue in which is shewed not onely that the Pope may erre in faith but also what is the faith of Popes and their Prelates A Romaine Courtier in a certaine conference said that the Pope might erre in faith for which he was presently apprehended and sent vnto prison And because hee was a man of great credit the Pope sent one of his Cardinals to cramine him and hee not only constantly maintained his former spéeches but also said againe in the Cardinals presence that the Pope might erre in faith the Cardinall told him that hée was as hereticke to beléeue it But hee answering said what if I haue knowne wherein the Pope did erre in faith shall I be accounted an heretick for beleeuing the
truth wherein said the Cardinall haue you perceiued that the Pope did erre in faith Pope Paul said he on a time as he was at dinner said in my hearing to many yet liuing whom I can produce for witnesses that he beléeued that he should recouer Placentia before he died but yet died before he recouered it therefore I am perswaded that he did erre and was deceiued in faith Then the Cardinall answered and said we thought that you had spoke of the faith in spirituall things no said the Courtier I spoke onely of faith in matters of this world for as touching the faith in things which appertaine vnto God so farre am I from knowing whether he erre or not that I am altogether ignorant whether the Popes or you their Prelates haue any beléefe at all The 2. Apologue by which is shewed that the Pope cannot deliuer soules out of Purgatory IN the time of Bourbon Pope Clement being affraid withdrew himself together with some of the Prelates which were his friends into the Castle of the Holy Angel being there as it were shut up in prison a Romane Gentleman said vntill this time I haue alwayes beleeued that the Pope could deliuer soules out of Purgatory but séeing that at this present hée cannot deliuer himselfe and his deare friends out of prison I am constrained to beleeue that hee is much lesse able to deliuer soules out of Purgatory The 3. Apologue by which is discouered the folly of Priests and Monkes who pray vnto God singing A Certaine Priest went vnto Rome so beg a Benefice which was void and such good friends he had that he was permitted to enter into the Consistory the Pope and Cardinalls being there assembled where deuoutly falling downe vppon his knées hee began to demand the Benefice singing after the same manner hee was went to sing the Letanie saying with a loud voyce Most holy Father I humbly craue such a Benefice heare me I beséech you then turning himselfe towards the Cardinalls and naming them one after another singing as hée did before he said Most reuerent Lord such a one pray for mee that I may obtaine the Benefice which I desire of the Pope They hearing this began all to laugh being notwithstanding very angry with him because they thought that hee had mocked them Wherefore the master of the Ceremonies went vnto him and reprehended him saying that hée ought to aske that which hée would haue with greater reuerence to whom he answered and said I know not how to desire a fauour of the Pope and Cardinals with greater reuerence and deuotion then with the same wherewith the Popes who as we hold cannot erre haue taught me to begge things héedefull for mee of Christ the Apostles and other Saints And because when I would haue any thing of Christ or of the Saints I pray for it singing as the Popes haue taught vs to doe in the Letanics I should neuer haue imagined that it had béene ill to doe as I haue done At this they all laughed and granted his request The 4. Apologue by which is shewed what force the Councils haue as also vpon what the Popedome is founded POpe Paul on a time exhorted some of his Prelates to study the holy Scriptures that at the Councils they might be able to ouerthrow and confound the reasons and arguments of the Lutherans and one of them said it is needlesse that we should take so much paines in vaine and to no purpose séeing that your Holinesse may easily and with a few words annihilate them all When the Pope asked him by what meanes hée answered in not accepting but reprouing and condemning as heresie all that they shall say contrary to your profit The Pope confessed that indéed that was true but neuerthelesse hée thought it good that they thence shewed some reasons which moued him therevnto as also that the Popedome and doctrine thereof had good foundation It is not best for vs said the Prelate to read the Scriptures to that purpose for they are contrary vnto vs but wee must betake our selues to your and our decrees Decretals and extrauagants then the Pope answered and said although nothing may be directly had out of the Scriptures yet it is good to study them that when néed shall require we may be able to cauill and wrest them to our purpose and phantasie The 5. Apologue whereby is shewed that Simonie is a sinfull thing and whose successours the Popes Prelates are A Certaine Romane made his confession of some matters which must not be spoken of to a Confessor in the Temple of S. Peter in Rome but the Confessor would not absolue him vnlesse hée would giue him ten Crownes wherefore the Romane said Gratis accepistis gratis date fréely you haue receiued fréely giue To this the Confessor answered he lies in his throat who either saith or will say these words for I had not this office gratis but I bought it and it cost me more then an hundred Crownes Then the Romane said do you not know that these are the wordes of Iesus Christ will you say that Christ doth lye To this the Confessor answered although these words are his hee spoke them not to vs for wée can at no time haue of the Pope the least office Benefice or fauour that is without mony wherefore you must adresse your selues to the Apostles to whom Christ spake these words It is true said the Roman he spake to them indéed but he also meant thereby all that should succéed them If it be so said the Confessor wée are not the Apostles successors but theirs who bought and sold in the Temple The 6. Apologue by which is discouered the folly of those who beleeue in Reliques and worship them A Priest of Geneua moued with deuotion trauelled to visit certaine holy places and after a time returned home againe but with much lesse deuotion then hée had before and with his purse quite empty And being asked of many where the Reliques were which hée had brought to regaine the mony which hée had spent in his iourney after a little deliberation he answered that he had brought two most excellent and most holy Reliques and began to tell of them but secretly to his friends intreating them that they would not speake openly of them for feare least they should be taken from him by the Signeurie withall promising them that if they would be secret he would impart the sight of them so that they would make him some contribution towards his great expences in procuring them finally many being desirous to see them gaue him money and then he hauing before ordered his busines drew forth a piece of silke a goodly paire of Dreshornes and holding them vp said vnto the people that hée had brought them from mount Sina and that they were the hornes wherewith Moyses descended from thence after hée had ended his spéeches with God Then taking a viol in his hand he said that therein was contained the breath
by the most perfect law of God which commaundeth vs to honour him aboue all thinges in all places at all times and by all meanes possible wherefore if your religion being according to your owne speeches different from that of Christ doe commaund any thing which you are not tyed to doe by the law of God it followeth that it is all naught seeing that God hath commaunded all thinges which are good Now that those things which you commaund besides the commandements of God are all bad and wicked yea and contrary to those thinges which God commaundeth it appeareth plainely for you forbid your sect to preach and Christ would haue the Gospell preached in season and out of season you would not haue them labour and take paines and God commaundeth that wee should get our bread with the sweate of our browes you exempt them from their obedience to their Parents Princes and other Maiestrates and God commaunds the contrary that wee honour our fathers and mothers and be obedient to the higher powers you forbid them to marry although they haue not the guift of contineutie but God on y e contrary inuits men to holy marriage you commaund them to abide alwaies in the Monastery although they bee indued with good guifts from aboue to do some good and holy worke abroad and so of all your ceremonies where with men being fast bound they are depriued of the true spiritual Christian liberty and in nothing subiect and obedient to God and the holy spirit The Cardinall knew not what to answer but said that although their words were true yet the Pope could dispense with all and so hee bad them farewell The 25. Apologue whereby are shewed the sottish frenzies of the Munkes and Nunnes THe Ambassadour of Soudan being at Florence demaunded on a day of Lawrence de Medicis why he could not see fooles running vp and downe the streetes of Florence as hee had séene commonly in other Citties And he answered and said because wee keepe all our fooles locked vp in diuers places according to the aduersity of their frenzies and then leading him forth of Florence hee shewed him diuers Monesteries of Monkes and Nunnes saying vnto him that therein dweiled all their hee and shee fooles And after the Embassadour had séene them and those also which were within the Cittie hee did exceedingly wonder at the great number of fooles and especially that so many and so different frenzies could enter into the braine of man The 26. Apologue where in is discouered the great ignorance of some of the Popes Prelates THe Reuerend Fathers of the Councell of Trent disputed among themselues about Peters supremacy of the Church indeauoring to proue by the words of our Lord Iesu Christ to Peter when he said Thou art Cephas that the Pope was head of the Church but some of them said that it could not be thereby proued because that Cephas was a Syriacke word and did signifie firme or a stone but there was one who bearing great affection to the French Tongue said vnto them you know not what you say for Christ in that place doth not speake in the Synacke but in the French tongue wherein Chef signifieth a head and though he said Cephas yet is it pronounced Chephas so that he spake both French and Latine The 27. Apologue by which is shewed the originall of the Popedome and now it came to be so great ONe demanded of his friend what was the Originall of the Popedome and how it did increase to such an extraordinary greatnesse And the other answered and said the Emperour Phoca planted it the Kings of France did water it and the Diuell of Hell hath giuen it increase but little ones shall cut it downe and simple ones shall make it into Fagots and Iesus Christ will consume it by the fire of his holy spirit The 28. Apologue by which is shewed the great pride of the Popish Bishops THere was a Bishop who had beene a diligent and learned Preacher hee being abroad in his Diocesse in the Lent was intreated by many that he would giue them a Sermon as he was wont but hee answered and said these twenty yeares or there about I haue taken great paines in preaching only that at length I might ascend to the dignity of a Bishop wherefore ye are very simple and foolish people to thinke that I will now descend and debase my selfe so much as of a Bishop to become a Preacher The 29. Apologue where in is discouered the folly of the Pope and Papists IN the time of Pope Leo there were ten notable fooles running about the streets of Rome all which on a day the Pope sent for to make him pastime as he was at dinner and assoone as he saw them hee laughed exceedingly at the diuersity of their follies now there was one amongst them who thought himselfe to be Emperor of all the world and as an Emperor did command the other fooles and distributed amongst them the estates and gouernments of the World doing it with such a viuacity and grace that the beholders iudged him to bee throughly perswaded that bee was an Emperor indéede Therefore the Pope saide vnto them about him this poore man is maruellous foolish that in so great pouerty hee doth perswade himselfe to bee an Emperour But the foole hearing it turned towards him and said You are more foolish and boyd of vnderstanding then I in that beeing a sinfull man you are made to beléeue that you are a God on Earth and your followers are berier fooles then my companions for although I giue them Kingdomes and gouernments of the world yet they giue no credit to me at all but your followers do stedfastly beléeue that you are able to giue them Indulgences Benedictions Iubilées Absolutions Remission of sinnes and also Paradice it selfe Then the Pope said let not a man meddle with fooles if hée would not haue the truth told him without flattery and so he departed from them The 30. Apologue wherein is discouered and condemned the Superstition of Bells THe Priestes and Monkes of a certaine Citty on a time when a great tempest was likely to arise betooke themselues to the Church and rang out the bells to turne away the storme and tempest wherefore the gouernour of the Citty noting it on another time when a tempest was likely to ensue caused all the Canons and great pieces which were vppon the walls to bee shot off toward that way which hee thought the tempest would come the Bishop demanded of him why hée did so and he said first I pray you tell me why you caused all the Bells to bee rung out at such a time And the Bishop answered that it was to chase and driue away the Diuells who were the causers and stirrers vp of the tempest in the Ayre Then the Gouernour said although I know that the Deuils doe no more feare the sound of the bells then the Dawes which sit in the towne yet I commanded these
faithfully executing the Kings command and that the King spake them not in his anger be you assured that he hath spoken the truth for so well am I perswaded of the Kings wisedome that I know hée would not publikely haue spoken a thing of so great importance if he had not bin certaine that it was true What said the Pope will he take the Popedome from vs perswading his subiects that we are not Pope then the Embassadour said If you bée not truely Pope the Popedome cannot bee taken from you because you neuer had it and if you bee although all England doe not hold you to bée Pope yet are you Pope notwithstanding withstanding then said the Pope wee will be Pope in other places where they will accompt vs sa and not in England wher 's they will not haue vs Pope It followeth then said the Embassador that if you be accompted Pope in no place you are not Pope at all It is true said the Pope If it be so said the Embassadour the Popedome in it selfe is no true thing but onely a dreame and imagination of men Wherefore the King my maister saying that you were not truely Pope said the truth The 82. Apologue by which is shewed what kinde of men the Popes and Popish Bishops are THere was on a time a Bishoprick of Florence void and a young man of the same place well knowne to be a very wicked man made all the meanes he could both with money and friends which hée had at Rome to obtaine it and indéed the Pope would very willingly haue bestowed it on him in regard that hée offered great store of money for it but hée was ashamed considering the qualities of the person notwithstanding hée said to them which did solicite him in the matter procure the Lord Duke to giue vs good information of him and we wil confer the Bishopricke on him Then the young mans friends went vnto the Duke of Florence desired him that it would please his Grace to write vnto the Pope and giue good testimoniall of him for all his preferment did depend thereon and the Duke answered that he would doe it without lying wherefore to satisfie them and performe his promise hee wrote vnto the Pope that the young man was worthy not onely to be Bishop but also to bée Pope meaning thereby that he did abound with all kinde of wickednes Héerevpon the Pope not vnderstanding or rather faigning that hee did not vnderstand his meaning as if the Duke had said he had béen a very honest learned and religious man presently made him Bishop The 83. Apologue shewing the great fault of the Emperour Phoca THere were certaine learned men talking and reasoning together of faults which Emperours of Rome had committed and in the end they concluded that the grossest and most pernicious fault of all was that of the Emperour Phoca when he granted to Boniface the third that he should bee Bishop of Bishops for thinking to giue him the keyes of the Kingdome of Heauen hée mistooke himselfe and gaue him the keyes of Rome and of the Empire Wherefore it was Phoca and not Constantine who did enrich the Romane Church The 84. Apologue whereby is shewed what are the deeds of the Popes VVHen Leo was made Pope the Florentines made a great triumph because hee was the first Florentine Pope and at that there was a man of Gennes in Florence who making as though hee did not know the cause of their reioycing demanded of some of the Cittizens why they made such a great feast and they as it were wondring at his question said what Doe you not know that wee haue a Florentine Pope Is that then the cause said the other of your feasting and reioycing O foolish people There is no place except Rome which hath had more Popes out of it then Gennes so that if Popes would make their Countries happy ours had excéeded others in happines whereas it is now more miserable then any other and principally by reason of Genuan Popes which haue ruinated it as Florentine Popes wil ruinate and destroy Florence The 85. Apologue whereby is shewed what are the exercises of the Monkes A Certaine Proctour of the law being desirous to become a Monke of S. Benner did discouer his minde to some Monkes of the same order and they promised him to speake to their Abbot about it not doubling but they should preuaile Now when they did first commence their suite the Abbot enquired of them of what profession the person was And they answered that hee was a Proctour who did frequent the Courtes of Law and had béene exercised in pleading Then said the Abbot let him not escape vs by any meanes hee is the man wee would haue for if he knowes how to plead well he cannot choose but bee a good Monke and so they receiued and inuested him The 55. Apologue shewing of what sort the Monasteries are and what ought to bee done vnto them THere was in times past a Monastery of Nunnes which by reason of factions and dissentions raigning in it according to the custome of all other as also for many other respects might very well bee called hell The Abbesse well knowing it on a day called all the Nunnes together into the Chapter house and said vnto them Yée sée plainely how miserable our life is in this place where wee liue as it were in a coniinuall hell and without doubt if we perseuere in this kind of life wée shall one day goe to the other Ye know well that when wee came first into this Monastery wée were pure as Angells chast humble deuout feruent to call vppon God charitable and full of all vertues but thinking to come hether as to the schoole of perfection wee are become crafty proud factions vnchast enuicus disobedient couetous yea filled with all kind of impiety and yet euery day wee grow worse and worse so that without all hope wée shall be damned if wee doe not in time seeke some remedy Wherefore I earnestly intreat you that if yée know any meanes to redresse it ye will impart it to mée and if it bée good I wil very willingly put it in practise Then one of them said I thinke it good that we resigne our offices to nouices who are Angels in respect of vs and that wée choose out of them one to bée Abbesse another to bee Uicaresse and another to be Mistres of the schoole and so for all other principall offices and this wee ought to yéeld vnto because they are not yet entred into our factions nor diuided among vs but are pure and vertuous so that wée béeing gouerned by them may procure our owne safety and after our deathes the Monastery will bee reformed But all the rest opposed themselues against her saying Truely that were a faire matter that wee should become nouices againe and now at length obey them which yet sauour strongly of the world and it were a great credit surely for vs that the