grief and torment because I contemned them Thus roaring for grief and tossing himself up and down upon the bed as he lay he intreated them to read no more As Gribauldus was comming to see him Vergerius said to Spira dear Sir here is Doctor Gribauldus a godly and faithfull friend of yours come to see you He is wellcome said he but he shall find me ill Gribauldus replyed Sir this is but an illusion of the divel who doth what he can to vexe you but turn you to God with your whole heart and he is ready to shew you mercy the earth you know is full of his mercy it is he that hath said that as often as a sinner repents of his sin he will remember his sins no more Consider this in the example of Peter that was Christs familiar and an Apostle and yet denied him thrice with an oath and yet God was merciful unto him consider the thief that spent his whole life in wickedness and for all that did not God graciously respect him in the last minute of his life Is the Lords hand now shortned that it cannot save to this Spira answered If Peter grieved and repented it was because Christ beheld him with a mercifull eye and in that he was pardoned it was not because he wept but because God was gracious to him but God respects not me and therefore I am a reprobate I feele no comfort can enter into my heart there 's place there but only for torments and vexings of spirit I tell you my case is properly mine own no man ever was in the like plight and therefore my estate is fearful Then roaring out in the bitterness of his spirit said It 's a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God the violence of his passion and action sutable did amaze many of the beholders insomuch as some of them said with a whispering voyce that he was possessed he overhearing it said doe you doubt it I have a whole Legion of divels that take up their dwellings within me and possesse me as their own and justly too for I have denied Christ Whether did you that willingly or not said they That 's nothing to the purpose said Spira Christ saith whosoever denies me before men him will I deny before my Father which is in Heaven Christ will not be denied no not in word and therefore it is enough though in heart I never denied him They observing his distemper to arise from the sense and horror of the paines of hell asked him whether he thought there were worse paines then what he endured for the present he said that he knew there were far worse paines then those that he then suffered for the wicked shall rise to their judgment but they shall not stand in judgment this I tremble to think of yet do I desire nothing more then that I might come to that place where I may be sure to feele the worst and to be freed from fear of worse to come I but you are to consider said one that those opinions for which you were accused before the Legate were impious and therefore you are not to think you denied Christ but rather that you confessed him acknowledging the infallible truth of the Catholike Church Truely said he when I did deny those opinions I did think them to be true and yet I did deny them Go to said others now then believe that they are true Now I cannot said he God will not suffer mee to believe them nor trust in his mercy What would you have me do I would faine attain to this power but cannot though I should presently be burnt for it But why do you said the other esteem this so grievous a sin when as the learned Legate constrained you to it which he surely would not have done if your former opinions had not been Erroneous no good Francis the divel besets thee let not therefore the grievousness of thy sin if any such be amaze thee You say right replyed he the divell hath possest me and God hath left me to his power for I finde I can neither believe the Gospel nor trust in Gods mercy I have sinned against the Holy Ghost and God by his immutable decree hath bound me over to perpetual punishment without any hope of pardon It 's true that the greatness of sin or the multitude of them cannot binde Gods mercy all those many sins that in the former part of my life I have committed then did not so much trouble me for I trusted that God would not lay them to my charge but now having sinned against the Holy Ghost God hath taken away from me all power of repentance and now brings all my sins to remembrance and thus guilty of one guilty of all And therefore it 's no matter whether my sins bee great or small few or many they are such as Christs bloud nor Gods mercy belongs to me God will have mercy on whom he will have mercy and whom he will he hardneth this is it that gnawes my heart hee hath hardned mee and I find that he daily more and more doth harden mee and therefore I am out of hope I feel it and therefore cannot but despaire I tell you there was never such a monster as I am never was any man alive a spectacle of so exceeding misery I knew that justification is to bee expected by Christ and I denyed and abjured it to the end I might keep this frail life from adversitie and my children from povertie and now behold how bitter this life is to mee and God only knows what shall become of this my family but surely no good is likely to betide it but rather daily worse and worse and such a ruine at the length as that one stone shall not be left on another But why should you said Gribauldus conceit so deeply of your sin seeing you can not but know that many have denyed Christ yet never fell into despaire Well said he I can see no ground of comfort for such neither can I warrant them from Gods revenging hand in wrath though it pleaseth God yet to suffer such to bee in peace and besides there will a time of danger come and then they shall be throughly tryed and if it were not so yet God is just in making me an Example to others and I cannot justly complain there is no punishment so great but I have deserved it for this so heinous offence I assure you it is no small matter to deny Christ and yet it is more ordinary then commonly men do conceive of it is not a denyall made before a Magistrate as it is with mee for as often as a Christian doth dissemble the known truth as often as he approves of false worship by presenting himself at it so often as hee hath not things worthy of his calling or such things as are unworthy of his calling so often he denyes Christ thus did I and therefore am
saying to him Thou wicked wretch thou hast denied me thou hast renounced the covenant of thy obedience thou hast broken thy vow hence Apostate beare with thee the sentence of thy eternall damnation he trembling and quaking in body and mind fell down in a swoune relief was at hand for the body but from that time forward he never found any peace or ease of his minde but continuing in uncessant torments he professed that he was captived under the revenging hand of the great God that he heard continually that feareful sentence of Christ that just Iudg that he knew he was utterly undone that he could neither hope for grace nor Christs intercession with God the Father in his behalf thus was his fault ever heavy on his heart and ever his Iudgment before his eies Now began his friends some of them to repent too late of their rash counsel others not looking so high as the Iudgment of God laid all the blame upon his Melancholicke constitution that overshadowing his judgment wrought in him a kind of madness every one censured as his fancie led him yet for remedy all agreed in this to use both the wholesome help of Physitians and the pious adveic of Divines and therefore thought it meet to convey him to Padua an University of note where plenty of all manner of means was to be had this they accordingly did both with his wife children and whole family others also of his friends accompanying him and being arrived at the house of one Iames Ardin in Saint Leonards Parish they sent for three Physitians of most note who upon due observation of the effects and of other Symptomes of his disease and some private conference one with another amongst themselves returned their verdict in this manner viz. That they could not discerne that his body was afflicted with any danger or distemper originally from it self by reason of the over-ruling of any humour but that this Malady of his did arise from some griefe or passion of his minde which being over burthened did so oppress the spirits as they wantting free passage stirred up many ill humours whereof the body of man is full and these ascending up into the braine troubled the fancie shadowed the seat of the judgment and so corrupted it this was the state of his disease and that outward part that was visible to the eye of nature this they indeavoured to reform by purgatioÌ„ either to coÌ„sume or at least to divert the course of those humours from the braine but all their skill effected nothing which Spira noting said Alas poore men how far wide are you do you think that this disease is to bee cured by potions believe me there must be another manner of medicine it is neither plaisters nor drugges that can help a fainting soul cast down with sence of sin and the wrath of God t' is onely Christ that must be the Physitian and the Gospel the soul Antidote The Physitians easily beleeved him after they had understood the whole truth of the matter and therefore they wished him to seek some spiritual comfort By this time the fame of this man was spred over all Padua and the neighbour Country partly for that he was a man of Esteeme partly because as the disease so the occasion was especially remarkable for this was not done in a corner so as daily there came multitudes of all sorts to see him some out of curiositie onely to see and discourse some out of a pious desire to try all meanes that might reduce him to comfort again or at least to benefit themselves by such a spectacle of misery and of the justice of God Amongst these Paulus Vergerius Bishop of Iustinopolis and Matheus Gribauldus deserve especially to be named as the most principal labourers for this mans comfort They find him now about fifty years of age neither affected with the dotage of old age nor with the unconstant headstrong passion of youth but in the strength of his experience and judgment in a burning heate calling excessively for drink yet his understanding active quick of apprehension witty in discourse above his ordinary manner and judiciously opposite his friends laboured him by all fair meanes to receive some nourishment which he obstinately gain-saying they forcibly infused some liquid sustenance into his mouth most of which he spit out againe exceedingly chafing and in this fretting mood of his said As it is true that all things work for the best to those that love God so to the wicked all are contrary for whereas a plentiful of-spring is the blessing of God and his reward being a stay to the weak estate of their aged parents to me they are a cause of bitterness and vexation they do strive to make me tire out this misery I would fain be at an end I deserve not this dealing at their hands O that I were gone from hence that somebody would let out this weary Soul His friends saluted him and asked him what he conceived to be the cause of his disease forthwith he brake out into a lamentable discourse of the passages formerly related and that with such passionate Elocution that he caused many to weepe and most to tremble They contrarily to comfort him propounded many of Gods promises recorded in the Scripture and many examples of Gods mercy My sin said he is greater then the mercy of God Nay answered they the mercy of God is above all sin God would have all men to be saved It 's true quoth he hee would have all that he hath elected to be saved he would not have damned reprobates to be saved I am one of that number I know it for I willingly and against my knowledg denied Christ and I feele that he hardens and will not suffer me to hope After some silence one asked him whether he did not believe that Doctrine to be true for which he was accused before the Legate he answered I did believe it when I denied it but now I neâ—ther believe that nor the Doctrine of the Roman Church I believe nothing I have no faith no trust no hope I am a Reprobate like Cain or Iudas who casting away all hope of mercy fell into despaire and my friends do me great wrong that they suffer me not to goe to the place of unbelievers as I justly deserve Here they began sharply to rebuke him requiring and charging him that in any wife he did not violate the mercy of God to which he answered The mercy of God is exceeding large and exends to all the elect but not to me or any like to me who are sealed up to wrath I tell you I deserve it my own conscience condemnes me what needeth any other Iudg Christ came said they to take away sin and calling for a book they read unto him the passion of Christ and comming to his nayling to the Cross Spira said This indeed is comfortable to such as are elected but as for mee wretch they are nothing but
have done he might have repented and Christ would have received him to mercy and yet he sinned most grievously against his Master which did so esteem of him as to honour him with the dignitie of an Apostle and did maintain and feed him He answered Christ did also feed and honour mee neither yet is my fault one jot less then that of his because it is not more honour to be personally present with Christ in the flesh then to be in his presence now by illumination of his holy Spirit and besides I deny that ever Iudas could have repented how long soever he had lived for grace was quite taken from him as it is now from me O Spira said they you know you are in a Spiritual desertion you must therefore not believe what Satan suggests he was ever a Liar from the beginning and a meer Impostour and will cast a thousand lying fancies into your mind to beguile you withall you must rather believe those whom you judg to be in a good estate and more able to discern of you then your self believe us and we tell you that God will be merciful unto you O here is the knot said Spira I would I could believe but I cannot Then he began to reckon up what fearful dreames and visions he was continually troubled withall that he saw the divels come flocking into his Chamber and about his bed terrifying him with strange noyses that these were not fancies but that he saw them as really as the standers by and that besides these outward terrours he felt continually a racking torture of his minde and a continual butchery of his Conscience being the verie proper pangs of the damned wights in hell Cast way these fancies said Gribauldus these are but illusions humble your self in the presence of God and praise him The dead praise not the Lord answered he nor they that goe down into the pit we that are drowned in despaire are dead and already gone down into the pit what hell can there be worse then desperatâ—on or what greater punishment the gnawing woâ—m unquenchable fire horror confusion and which is woâ—se then all desperation it self continualâ—y â—oâ—tures me and now I count my preseâ—t estate worse then if my soul separated from my body were with Iudas and the rest of the damned and therefore I now desire rather to bee there then thus to lâ—ve in the bodie One being present repeated certain words out of the Psalmes If thy Children forsake my Law and walk not in my Iudgments I will visite their transgressions with rods and their iniquities with stripes nevertheless my loving kindness I will not utterly take from them nor suffer my faithfulness to fail mark this O Spira my Covenant I will not break These promises said Spira belong only to the Elect which if tempted may fall into sinne but are again lifted up and recovered out as the Prophet saith though he fall he shall not be utterly cast down for the Lord upholdeth him therefore Peter could rise for he was Elected but the reprobate when they fall cannot rise again as appeares in Cain Saul and Iudas God deales one way with the Elect and another way with Reprobates The next day he prayed with them in the Latine tongue and that with excellent affection as outwardly appeared blessed be God said Vergerius these are no signes of eternal reprobation you must not O Spira seek out the secret counsels of Gods election and reprobation for no man can know so long as hee lives whether by his good or bad deeds he be worthy of Gods love or anger do you not know that the Prophet David complained that God had cast off his Soul I know al this quoth Spira I know the mercies of God are infinite and do surpass the sins of the whole world and that they are effectual to all that believe but this faith and this hope is the gift of God O that he would give it mee but it is as impossible as to drink up the sea at a draught As for that of Salomon if he had ever tryed that which I feel by wofull experience he would never have spoken as he did but the truth is never had mortall man such an evident experience of Gods anger and hatred against him as I have you that are in a good estate think repentance and faith to be works of great facilitie and therefore you think it an easie matter to perswade a man to believe the whole need not the Physician and he that is well can soon give counsell to such as are ill but this is the hell to mee my heart is hardned I cannot believe many are called but few are chosen Upon what ground said they do you conceive so ill an opinion of your self I once did know God to be my Father not only by creation but by regeneration I knew him by his beloved Sonne the author and finisher of our Salvation I could pray to him and hope for pardon of sinnes from him I had a taste of his sweetness peace and comfort now contrarily I know God not as a Father but as an enemies what more my heart hates God and seeks to get above him I have nothing else to fly to but terror and despair Belike you think then said they that those who have the earnest and first fruits of Gods Spirit may notwithstanding fall away The judgments of God are a deep abiss said he we are soon drowned if we enter into them he that thinks he standeth let him take heed lest he fall as for my self I know I am fallen back and that I once did know the truth though it may be not so throughly I know not what else to say but that I am one of that number which God hath threatned to tear in peices Say not so answered they for God may come though at the last hour keep hold therefore at the least by hope This quoth he is my case I tell you I cannot God hath deprived mee of hope this brings terror to my minde and pines this body which now is so week as it cannot perform the several offices thereof for as the Elect have the Spirit testifying that they are the sonnes of God so the Reprobates even while they live do often feel a worme in their conscience whereby they are condemned already and therefore as soon as I perceived this wound inflicted on my mind and will I knew that I wanted the gifts of saving grace and that I was utterly undone God chasteneth his children with temporarie afflictions that they may come as gold out of the fire but punisheth the wicked with blindness in their understandings and hardness of heart and woe be to such from whom God takes his holy Spirit Here one rebuked him and told him hee gave too much credite to sense that he was not to believe himself but rather him that was in a good state and I testifie to you
said he that God will be mercifull to you Nay answered he for because I am in this ill estate therefore can I believe nothing but what is contrary to my salvation and comfort but you that are so confident of your good estate look that it be true for it is no such small matter to bee assured of sincerity a man had need be exceeding strongly grounded in the truth before he can be able to affirm such a matter as you now do It is not the performance of a few outward duties but a mighty constant labor with all intention of heart and affection with full desire and endeavour continually to set forth Gods glory there must be neither fear of Legates Inquisitors Prisons nor any death whatsoever many think themselves happy that are not it is not every one that saith Lord Lord that shall go to heaven They came another day and found him with his eyes shut as if he had been drouzie and very loath to discourse at which time there came in also a grave man from Cittadella who demanded of Spira if he knew him or not hee lifting up his eye-lids and not suddenly remembring him the man said to him I am Presbyter Antonie Fontamia I was with you at Venice some eight weeks since O cursed day said Spira O cursed day O that I had never gone thither would God I had then died Afterwards came in a Priest called Bernardinus Sardoneus bringing with him a book of Exorcismes to conjure this divell whom when Spira saw shaking his head he said I am verily perswaded indeed tnat God hath left me to thh power of the divels but such they are is are not to be found in your Letany neither will they be cast out by spells The Priest proceeding in his intended purpose with a strange uncouth gesture and a loud voyce adjured the spirit to come into Spira's tongue and to answer Spira deriding his fruitless labour with a sigh turned from him A Bishop being there present said to Spira brother God hath put vertue into the word and Sacraments and we have used the one meanes and find not that effect which we desire shall we try the efficacie of the Sacraments surely if you take it as a true Christian ought to receive the body and bloud of Christ it will prove a soveraign medicine for your sick soul This I cannot do answered he for they that have no right to the promises have no right to the seales the Euâ—harist was appointed onely for believers if we have not faith we eate and drink judgment to our selves I received it about a moneth since but I did not well in so doing for I took it by constraint and so I took it to my deeper condemnation Here Vergerius began to importune him earnestly to beware that he did not wilfully resist grace and put himself out of Heaven charging him vehemently by all the love that was between them by the love which he bare to his children yea to his own soul that he would set himself seriously to return to that faith and hope which once he had in the death of Christ with many such like words Spira having heard much of the like matter formerly and being somewhat moved said You do but repeate Vergerius what should I hope why should I believe God hath taken faith from me shew me then whither I shall go shew me a Haven whereto I shall retire you tell me of Gods mercy when as God hath cast me off you tell me of Christs intersession I have denied him you command me to believe I say I cannot you bring me no comfort your command is as impossible for me to obâ—y as to kâ—ep the Morall Law if you should perswade one to love God with all his heart soul and strength and God gives him not the power can he perform your desire doth not the Church teach us to sing direct us O Lord to love thy Commandements hypocrites say that they love God with all their heart but they lye for my part I will not lye but tell you plainly such is my case that though you should never so much importune mee to hope or believe though I desire it yet I cannot for God as a punishment of my wickedness hath taken away from me all his saving graces faith hope and all I am not the man therefore that you take me for belike you think I delight in this estate if I could conceive but the least spark of hope of a better estate hereafter I would not refuse to endure the most heavâ—e wâ—ight of the wrath of that great God yea for twenty thousand yeares so that I might at length attain to the end of that misery which I now know will be eternal but I tell you my will is wounded who longs more to beleeve then I doe but all the ground-work of my hope is quite gone for if the testimonies of holy Scripture be true as they are most certainly true is not this as true whosoever denies me before men him saith Christ will I denie before my Father which is in heaven is not this properly my case as if it had purposely been intended against this very person of mine and I pray you what shall become of such as Christ denieth seeing there is no other Name under heaven whereby you look to be saved what saith Saint Paul to the Hebrews it is impossible for those who were once enlightned and have tasted of the heavenly gift and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost if they fall away to be renewed to repentance what can be more plain against me Is not that Scripture also if we sinne wilfullly after we have received the knowledg of the truth there remaineth no more sacrifice for sin but a certain looking for of judgment the Scripture speaks of me Saint Paul meâ—hes me Saint Peter tell me it had been better I had not known the way of rightteousness then after I have known to turn from the holy Commandement it had been better I had not known and yet then my condemnation had bee most certain do you not see evidently that I have wâ—lfully denyed the known truth may justly expect not onely damnation but worse if worse may be imagined God will have mee undergoe the just punishment of my sin and make me an example of his wrath for your sakes The company present admired his discourse so grievously accusing himself of his fore-past life so gravely and wisely dilating concerning the judgments of God that they then were convinced that it was not frenzie or madness that had possessed him and being as it were in admiration of his estate Spira proceeded again in this manner Take heed to your selves it is no light or easie matter to bee a Christian it is not Baptisme or reading of the Scriptures or boasting of faith in Christ though even these are good that can prove one to be an absolute Christian you know what I said