of VVax And he who is deceived most All Fathers on the Holy Ghost Some quiting Prophets and Apostles Thinks best to plead the Cause by Postills And some do dispute by Tradition Some calls that Popish Superstition And some affirm that they had rather Follow a Counsel then a Father And some affirm it buits not whether They are blind Leaders all together And since the truth is found by none No more then is that turn Gold Stone It 's best Zancho for ought I see To take a Pint and then agree Let men have Bishops at their ease And hear what Preachers best them please If we be fred of Declaration And of that other great vexation We mentioned in our Petition We 'll alter it on no condition Then we will serve the King as much Against the Dane and French and Dutch As any in his three Dominions Who hateth us or our opinions If he command us we will come Like Goths and Scale the Walls of Rome And bereave Babels Whore of breath Or die the Duke of Bourbon's death Squire The Squire made many odd Grimass Ere he could speak like Balaams Ass Sometime he wink'd sometime look'd up And running backward like a Tupp For to return with greater force He snorted like a very Horse One thought upon another tumbled One while he grin'd another grumbled At last like Cant or Trail or Durie He gave a Broad-side in a fury Looking as he would eat them all His words flew out like Cannon Ball. The love of Pelf comes from the Devil It 's root of all mischief and evil It makes Lords sup without a Candle When none can see their Knife to handle While to bring Candles Servants lingers Ten Candles will not heal their Fingers It makes Fore-heads and Shins to bleed By saving Candle to light to Bed It makes them keep their Cellar Keys Set secret marks on Hamms and Chese Which if but in the least defaced Wives Servants Bairns are all menaced It makes them prigg for Milk and Eggs Put in a Broth Cocks halfs and Leggs It makes them Clout Elbows and Breasts Keep Rinded Butter in Charter Chests Till Ratts eat all their Law-defences And Families old Evidences It makes them pay their Masons Wages By Usury on VVedds and Gadges Taken from VVidows who were plundred By paying Fourty in the Hundred It corrupts Hamell Sharp and Sweet It poysons all like Aconite If it touch Hide it goes to Heart And so affecteth every part The great ones do betray their trust Ladies throw Honour in the dust Like those who troad the Cyprian Dance VVith that Financier of France It Puritans doth make of Ranters And Cavaleers of Covenanters Of Lords and Earls it makes Drapers Of Priests and Levites it makes Capers It maketh grave and reverend Cheats In Pulpits and Tribunal Seats For any Crime it finds defences With Oaths it like a Pope dispences It causeth among Brethren strife It makes a Man Pimp to his Wife It makes yeeld Fortresses and Towns Sooner then Armies with great Guns It sets a-fire Cities and Streets It raiseth Tragedies in Fleets It makes the vanquished victorious And foyl then victory more glorious It makes rebellion rise and fall And hath such influence on all That whom it made rebellious Nurses It loyal makes to fill their Purses It causeth many a bloody strife When needy male-content grow rife Then by it Church and State are mended And will be till the world be ended Master we all observe and mark Since ye once doubt ye will embarque Why do ye Conscience so neglect Or what Master can ye expect Although among the Whiggs ye Preach A Bishoprick ye cannot reach For Bishopricks are giv'n to none Like Presbyterian John Gillon Who when he takes his Preaching-turn Will make moe laugh then he makes mourn Ye have infus'd in us Sedition Ye will us leave in that condition And then cause Print a Book of Season Tax whom ye have seduc'd of Treason And when so doing all men see Ye sing the Palinod of Lee. The Cavaleers will still you call The Archest Rebel of us all Thus having said he made a halt And stood like Lots Wife turn'd to Salt With Ear attentive earnest Eye He did expect the Knights Reply Knight Who stroak'd his Beard and bit his Lip And wip'd his Nose and scratch'd his Hip He wry'd his Mouth and knit his Brows He changed more then twenty hues His Hands did tremble his Teeth did chatter His Eyes turn'd up his Bumm did clatter His Tongue on Teeth and Gumes did hammer He fain would speak but still did stammer His Garb was strange dreadful uncouth Till through his Epileptick Mouth Those following speeches fierce and loud Burst out like Thunder through a Cloud Thou poysons all my little Grex Thou sentence-speaking Carnifex Thou hardy and presumptuous are To meddle so with Peace and War Rub my Horse Belly and his Coots And when I get them dight my Boots For they are better then Gramashes For me who through the Dubbs so plashes Yet I 'le wear none till I put on Those of the Priest of Livingston Who when they hid them in the Riggs Said they were plunder'd by the Whiggs Unto another Priest his Marrow Who sent a Maid his Boots to borrow Whose Boots were plundered indeed As was his Salt Beef and his Steed Teach what I please thou 'st not forbear To meddle with things without thy Sphear Like-Taylors making Boots or Shoos Or like Shoo-makers making Hose Like some I know as blind as Owles Playing at Tennice and at Bowles And sometime Shooting at a Mark Like Passavantius playing the Clerk Who medled with he knew not what That he might get from Rome a Hat Men oft by change of station tynes Good Lawyers may prove bad Divines Like Sadoleto's Dog in Satine Like Ignoramus speaking Latine Which raised most unnatural jarrs As between Law and Gospel Wars Like Bembo's Parrat singing Masses Like men of seventy Courting Lasses Like Highland Lady's knoping Speeches When they are scolding for the Breeches Like Massionella freeing Naples From Gabells put on Roots and Apples Like Taylours scanning State concernments Or Coblers clouting Church Governments Like some attempting tricks in Statiques Not vers'd in Euclids Mathematiques Like Pipers mending Morleys Musick Or Gardners Paracelsus Physick Like Atheists pleading Law refuges Like Countrey Treisters turning Judges Like Preachers stirring up devotions By Preaching Military motions Proving their uses and didactiques By passages of Aelians tactiques Like Ladies making Water standing Like young Lairds Horse Foot commanding Like Monckeys playing on a Fiddle Or Eunuchs on a Ladies middle Like Gilliwetfoots purging States By papers thrown in Pocks or Hats That they might be when purg'd from dung Secretaries for the Irish Tongue Great wounds yet curable still faister When fools presume to rule their Master As sad experience teach'd of late When such reformed Church and State Though all the Publick did pretend All almost had a privat end There was no place of
MOCK POEM Or WHIGGS SUPPLICATION PART I. LONDON Printed in the Year 1681. THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY To the READER Christian Reader VErses are like Ladies faces good or bad as they are fancied saith Don Quixot and Mock Poems which bite not are like Eggs eaten without Salt saith another of the same Metal that is whose Tongue was a great deal wiser then his Head In those following Lines I am more Tart to none then to my self And therefore I may be excused if I tell in Rhime how some used me in Prose I speak truth which is expedient to be known and therefore no Lawyer will aver I transgress the Law With all the world beside I am like a blind man dealing blows not knowing whom I hit If any shall challenge me that I touch them I will answer that I knew not so much before they informed me as answered that famous Satyrist to a Noble Roman who expostulated with him for smiting him in a Poem I am many wayes wronged And first by Transcribers who stealing Copies of my Lines have transmitted them every where like Pictures on the wrong side of Arras Hangings spoiled with Thrumbs and Threeds or like Faces disfigured by the Pox great or small as ye please Or like Sermons repeated by Children and Serving Lasses in a Presbyterian Family-Exercise Or like-one of Bishop Andrews Sermons re-preached the other day by an Expectant in his Episcopal Trial for the Ministery I am Secondly wronged by false Copies and that by men either malicious to bring me to trouble or ignorant not apprehending my scope who in stead of mending my Lines have marred then all And who striving to pull me out of the Mire hath thrown me into the Well not to wash me but to drown me Or into the Fire not to dry me but to burn me Thirdly I am most of all prejudged by the late Dutch War which occasioned the bringing in of such superfluity of Brandie which entering the brain of some of the worshippers of Bacchus hath there hatched Glosses of my Lines like that of Orleance destroying the Text. Those Brandy-Interpreters may be compared to Children espying shapes and figures in the fire Or to those who are giddie with drink imagining apparitions in the Clouds or to old Wives Commenting on Merlins or Rymers Prophesies Or to bad Divine expounding the Revelation who obtrud groundless fancies upon the ignorant multitude for Evangelical truths If those Gentlemen hit my meaning any censure is too little for me If not no punishment is too great for them And that for two reasons First because they apply Passages of my Lines to men of honour of whom God is my witness I did not dream Secondly because they make the World believe I am biting those whose wounds I am licking given by the biting of other Dogs These things considered it is easie to answer all which is objected against me And first some of the Society of Gotham Colledge had an intention to burn my Lines because I bring in Whiggs speaking too boldly in the Supplication and else where But I answer If those Gentlemen speak as they think I commend their zeal but not their wisdome And who ever shall take the pains to burn them for Witches will lose both Coals and labour I demand of them if one should pen a Play of the Powder-plot and bring in the Conspirators exhorting each other to blow up the Parliament-house who will tax the Author of Treason or who will tax the Psalmist of Athiesm for averring The fool hath said in his Heart There is not a God All not meer ignorants know it is permitted to Poets good or bad to personate a discourse that is to bring in Rebels speaking Treason and Athiests Blasphemy And why may not I a Poetaster or Poets Ape bring in fools speaking foolishly and wise men wisely and yet be neither a wise man nor a fool my self And if I be neither I must either be a mix'd man or else nothing And in effect some call me a mix'd man others nothing But since those who call me nothing are highly offended at me they musâ— of necessity confess they are offended at nothing I am more charitable to them I think they are something What sort of thing it is all the world knoweth what ever it be it is worse then nothing They object Sccondly that without Authority I have imposed a grievous Taxation upon the Liedges in exacting five Dollors for every Copy which may be called treason But I answer since I charge them not with Horning to make payment the worst they can call it is but begging which it is not but a nameless Contract Do ut des And at first I did not dream of taking Money for those Lines until some known bitter enemies to the Presbyterians enforced each of them five Dollors on me for a Copy they told me I might as well take Money for Rhime as Ministers and Lawyers for Prose and Physicians for nothing and worse then nothing Some Pleading Preaching and Curing it is true deserves Money a great deal better then my Lines But it is as true that some of all three deserves it worse If my Lines do no good they do no hurt to the Souls Bodies or Estates of any Secondly I demand Money of no Man yea I refuse it when it is offered not in jest until they make it appear they offer it in earnest which they do many wayes some throw Money on the ground some on the Table Some tell they 'l have none of my Lines except I take their Money Some say I undervalue them when I refuse their Money Some say they are abler to give me Money then I am to want it some bid Devil break their neck if I take not their Money Some bid God damn them if I take not their Money yea I can instruct that a Sea-Captain offered to strike off my head with a Shable If I resus'd his Money but the more moderat put Money unaworse in the Pocket of my Coat which many think I keep unbuttoned of purpose Mistake me not Reader I am not instructing how Money should be offered but how it should not be offered lest I take it Thirdly that I am not avaricious appears by my vowing to take no Money from Ministers and Ladies but they say I take Gold But I answer they cluded my vow by equivocation putting Gold unaworse in the neck of my Doublet and then run away and I following to restore it stumbled They instance I stumbled of purpose that I might not reach them But they are still mistaken for a Lady having used me so I followed her to her Chamber and when I endeavoured to return her Gold to her pocket her Maid mistaking my meaning thinking perhaps I was searching for the wrong Pocket tax'd me of incivility So I was necessitate either to keep her Gold or else be thought uncivil to a Lady let any indifferent man judge which was the least of the two evils
either Sadle Tore But now when he hath much ado He hath one in each Pocket too A Sword which woundeth deep and wide A Target of a seven-fold Hide A very strange enchanted Lance Whose touch makes men from Sadle dance As sometimes of old did another Belonging to Angeliques Brother And after to the English Duke As mentions Ariosto's Book And thus with more Arms he doth ride Then other twenty had beside Whether he gain the day or tine He never misseth to kill nine As doth appear to all who reckons Justly the number of his Weapons Among ten thousand all alone With every Weapon he kills one Some say he used to take lives With Whingers and Kilmarnock Knives But he thinks that belongs to Boutchers And others like Damaeta's Coutchers For when with any he doth swagger He seldome useth Knife or Dagger Except they come in wrestling terms Permitted by the Law of Arms. The Laws of Knighthood he doth keep Not killing Men like Calves or Sheep I ask'd at several who he was Some said he was Sir Hudibras Deceived by his boulky Paunch Some said Don Quixot de la Maunch Which was more like then was the other In many things he was his Brother First in his head were many fancies Bred by the reading of Romances He thought before the day of Doom The Covenanters would burn Rome And trample down the Man of Sin He thought the work he would begin And to the glory of his Nation Accomplish all the Revelation Prat what they please in Popish Schools Hammond and Grotius were but fools Who say it is fulfil'd already Must think they prayed to our Lady They aim'd at Reconciliation Between the Pope and every Nation All other things they could pack up If ye take not from them the Cup And they had reason for in truth Some think they had a burning drouth Next like Don Quixot some suppose He had a Lady Del to Bose Who never budged from his side Upon a pair of Sodds astride By whose sole industry and care He manag'd all the holy War We read in greatest Warriours lives They oft were ruled by their Wives The Worlds Conquerour Alexander Obey'd a Lady his Commander And Anthony that Drunkard keen Was rul'd by his lascivious Queen King Arthur for his VVifes sake Winkt at Lance lot Du Lake Though to his opprobry and scorn He cherisht one himself to horn They say that now are many others Who in that case are Arthurs brothers So the imperious Roxalan Made the great Turk John Thomsons man Another Warriour all his life Was also ruled by his Wife Albeit before their death arose Some strife between them for her Pose Thirdly like Quixot he a Squire Had Zancho call'd to whet his ire When in a fury he did wrestle With Giant or Inchanted Castle Or like Don Quixot with Wind-Mills Or with Dalzel at Pentland-Hills Or when like Perseus he was ready To fight a Monster for a Lady Being victorious in the strife He still refus'd the Nymph to Wife And that with such a modest grace As Fames Knight did the Heir of Thrace To which Squire the bounteous Knight Promised either Man or Wight Gernsey or Jersey or some Isle With a Lord Governours Style When he should beat his foes asunder And bring the Whore of Babel under Lastly on Quixot's Rozinant He rode who took the Covenant As many think none of the Nation Could make him take the Declaration Some endeavour'd to have the Horse Proclaimed Rebel from the Cross Which though they did with open throats The Horse eats still his Hay and Oats Not dreaming that in any thing He Country did offend or King The wisest Lawyers of the Nation Advis'd him to make Appellation Because it was against all reason To condemn a Beast for treason Which reason at a tippling Can Had sav'd his Master the Good-man If after his rebellious Journey He had met with a King's Atturney VVho could by Law and Reason show He greater beast was of the two Or with another who for riches Stood for incestuous VVhoors and VVitches Or any other whom ye list So they did well anoint his Fist Beside his Horse he had a Dog So us'd to traverse Hill and Bog That he became of scent so cliver As to miss neither Hare nor Pliver He turns himself in Horse or Hog As Monseur did Agrippa's Dog To find by his sagacious nose The counterploting of his foes He treads the Back-scent brings a Glove And carries Letters to his Love He is a fierce Dog yet most civil Kills Fish whose Livers frights the Devil He barks at Anabaptist Quaker Papist and Declaration-taker But he will gently fawn and stand To lick a Covenanters hand Beside his Dog he hath a Pigeon Most do not know of what Religion She was the same as many fear Which once eat Pease in Mahomets ear VVhich when she did the Carl did boast That he spoke with the Holy Ghost His Epilepsie for to recover If once imploy'd she doth not hover But will make the whole worlds tour And come again within an hour Sometimes she his Orders carries To the Azores and Canaries As Quarter-mistriss to ordain In which the first Meridian Should lodged be for Calculation Of Longitudes in Navigation Sometimes he sends her in Embassage Out through the North-East Indian passagâ— To tell the great Tartarian Cham A piece of a West-Phabia Hamm Is better meat when hunger nips Then Collops off live-Horses Hips That we who here drink Sack and Brandy Well tempered with Suggar-Candy A great deal better then he fares Who drinks Horse Blood or Milk of Mares Sometime to Peru and to Chilly She goes to tell our Prophet Lilly Forefeeth neither good nor evil Abandon'd by his Arctique Devil Whom the late great Frost did compell To run and warm himself in Hell That she might bring from thence a Spirit Of greater foresight and of merit For to assist the great Diviner The better for to win his Dinner Sometime to Turk she goes and Sophy To tell their Water and their Cophy And their severe slighting of Wine Makes them so with the Collick pine Which torment is with them so rife It cost Mahomet the Great his life For when the Collick he did take And did refuse a Cup of Sack He worried on a windy Bubble And fred the World of meikle trouble If they'I drink Wine they need not fear Their Prophet for his thousand year Are now expired all in vain They expect his return again Thus of his Person Armour VVeed His Lady Squire and of his Steed Dog and Pigeon for his mind He leaves all mortals far behind All things created he doth know In Heav'n above and Earth below He solves the Questions every one That Sheba's Queen ask'd Solomon Or any other knotty doubt That can occur the world throughout Neither doth he prat and bable Like Pliny Painting out a Fable At first he makes a clear Narration And then backs all by Demonstration He knows whether
Season Some say that he treads Bishops Path As David serv'd the King of Gath. Though men to censure him be rash He gives the Bishops such a dash They need not brag their cause is won By the Foster of Henderson Some say he Bishops doth betray That Presbytry may gain the day Who fed him for their Champion hidden Others affirm they are out-bidden Which makes him take a contrair task As Edward answered once Southesk A modest man wrot in a Letter He might have pleaded meikle better The charitable do not fear But for a thousand Merks a year He would the Bishops yet withstand If Covenanters rul'd the Land Knight Then said the Knight though in a Morter I bray this Fool to no Exhorter Thou wilt give ear he 'll put thee to it Squire To whom the Squire what though he do it Both Reason there and Justice halts Where one's blam'd for anothers faults Was never Judge did things so foul Except himself once at Saint Rule He forg'd Records and them Enacted To bear false Witness when Extracted I cannot tell till I advise Whether he did it twice or thrice Next I will tell that he gave leave If ever he turn'd to call him Knave But he can challenge no reflection Put on him at his own direction He is oblidg'd to keep his word As well as one who wears a Sword But if he chance to be so wroth As to break Word as well as Oath I 'le tell him I take frantick fits And am distracted of my wits As he and others said of late When they misguided Church and State And I them tax'd of forg'd Records As I can prove before the Lords If that succeed not it effeers That I be judged by my Peers That is by fifteen Poetasters Half-Fools half Beggers half Burlesquers All of them proved Drinkers Whoorers By Preachers Forgers and Perjurers Ere such a Jury can be gotten It s certain I 'le be dead and rotten Or if Justice so shall halt As to cause hang me for his fault Hanging to me will be less trouble Then worrying on a windly Bubble At a Dike-side or under a Stair If Weather be not very fair Knight But then the Knight we hear he 'l quarrel That thou once served Albemarle Squire To which the Squire I have no fears He dar not challeng't for his ears For I can make appear to all They toss'd me to him like a Ball. Next ask that Duke in any thing If ever I did prejudge the King I forc'd was to dissimulation To shun a Rope and serve my Nation I did no evil but meikle good Saving mens Money and their Blood Which services I did for nought Which were from men far richer bought That Duke can tell he did suspect it Albeit to try he did neglect it When by their Crafty instigation He urg'd was to my accusation They all tell now of Albemarle But they told him another quarrel In pleading I could touch a string Whose sound will make their ears to ring Knight The Knight said tush they 'l no more sturr Then Moon when bark't at by a Curr For all thy prat on no condition I mind to alter the Petition Squire Then said the Squire if ye'l not mend it Advise at least by whom to send it Since we Petition for Religion Your Lady or your Dog or Pigeon Were fittest to be sent if other I 'm sore afraid we lose a Brother For I dar swear upon th'Evangel When he hath got from each his Angel To help his charges to defray The Fellow will us all betray Knight When things succeed not fools do slite Giving betraying all the wite Reply'd the Knight they said of late They were betray'd when they were beat And they said true who did not stand Betrayed are by heart and hand But to the point as for my Wife I 'le never send her in my life For fear some Courtier or other Would make me old King Arthurs Brother My Dog is an unruly Curr And at the Court will keep a sturr Seeing Conformists up and down He barks so at a High-sleev'd Gown That Bishops either will cause stone him Or else yoak Boutcher Dogs upon him As for my Pigeon it cannot be She hath another gate to slee A Message she hath tane in hand To search for that most happy Land Unknown to any heretofore But only to Sir Thomas More Where we intend to fix Plantation If forc'd to change our Habitation And since a Poet rightly hits That greatest fools have greatest wits To shun self-dealing it is fit To choose one not outgrown in wit So he can Buffonize and Jest At publick Meeting and at Feast And catch a time to tell the truth Like Davids great Grand-mother Ruth The Whiggs with an applauding hollow Cry'd out his-counsel they would follow Which once concluded all arose And set on Pans to make their Brose When after that some fools were named To be employ'd they all were blamed And none thought fit they still enquire And find none fitter then the Squire On him then they enforc'd the Message When he went out on his Embassage How at the Court he did arrive How to affront him they did strive But how the Buffons all he outted How Hudibras his Squire he routed When they two yoaked by the Ears About the baiting of the Bears And how he manag'd every thing And how he harrang'd to the King And how he cited ends of Verses And sayings of Philosophers At which some laugh'd and some were vex'd Ye'l be advertis'd by the next FINIS MOCK-POEM OR WHIGGS SUPPLICATION PART II. LONDON Printed in the Year 1681. MOCK-POEM OR WHIGGS SUPPLICATION PART II. WHen Bushes budded and Trees did chip And Lambs by Suns approach did skip When Mires grew hard like tosted Bread That men might through the Carses ride When folks drew blood of arms and legs When Geese and Turkies hatched Eggs When poor folks Pots were fill'd with Netles When Fish did domineer in Ketles VVhen Lent did sore annoy the Glutton VVhen Sun left Fish to lodge with Mutton VVhen night and day were of like length Of March the eighth or twelfth or tenth When several Criticks great and small By mending Lines did marr them all When Transcribers preposterous speed Made them like Pictures spoil'd with Threed On Arras Hangings back-side when The lowr'd mistakings of some men Made several great Wits of the Land Blame what they did not understand And some to hunt a Flea contrive The Squire near London did arrive To meet him old and young came forth As Rome did once to see Jugurth They knew each passage of his Journal Both by report and by Diurnal We dread they will him sore abuse But let us first invock the Muse Thou Muse who never dost abandon Those who have scarce a Legg to stand on When they ascend Parnassus Mountain Till in the end they taste a Fountain Which makes an Owl then them sing sweeter Make me once more a fool in Meeter That