with such conceits as these I should think that God did mock at these my prayers saying and that in the audience of the holy Angels This poor simple Wretch doth hanker after me as if I had nothing to do with my mercy but to bestow it on such as he alas poor fool how art thou deceived it is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest 90. Then hath the Tempter come upon me also with such discouragements as these You are very hot for mercy but I will cool you this frame shall not last alwayes many have been as hot as you for a spirt but I have quench'd their Zeal and with this such and such who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes then I should be afraid that I should do so too but thought I I am glad this comes into my minde well I will watch and take what heed I can Though you do said Satan I shall be too hard for you I will cool you insensibly by degrees by little and little what care I saith he though I be seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last continual rocking will lull a crying Child asleep I will ply it close but I will have my end accomplished though you be burning hot at present yet if I can pull you from this fire I shall have you cold before it be long These things brought me into great straights for as I at present could not find my self fit for present death so I thought to live long would make me yet more unfit for time would make me forget all and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin the worth of Heaven and the need I had of the Blood of Châ—ist to wash me both out of mind and thought But I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at present make me slack my crying but rather did put me more upon it like her who met with the Adulterer Deut. 22.25 in which dayes that was a good word to me after I had suffered these things a while I am perswaded that neither death nor life c. shall separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus Rom. 8.38 And now I hoped long life should not destroy me nor make me miss of Heaven 91. Yet I had some supports in this temptation though they were then all questioned by me That in the third of Jeremiah at the fiâ—st was something to me and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that Chapter that though we have spoken and done evil things as we could yet we should cry unto God My Father thou art the Guide of my youth and should return unto him 92. I had also once a sweet glance from that in â— Cor. 5.21 For he hath made him to be sin for us who knew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him I remember also that one day as I was sitting in a Neighbours House and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies and as I was saying in my mind What ground have I to think that I who have been so vile and abominable should ever inherit eternal life that word came suddenly upon me What shall we say to these things If God be for us who can be against us Rom. 8.31 that also was an help unto me Because I live you shall live also Joh. 14.19 But these were but hints touches and short visits though very sweet when present onely they lasted not but like to Peters Sheet of a sudden were caught up from me to Heaven again Act. 10.16 93. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover himself unto me and indeed did quite not onely deliver me from the guilt that by these things was laid upon my Conscience but also from the very filth thereof for the temptation was removed and I was put into my right mind again as other Christians were 94. I remember that one day as I was traveling into the Countrey and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart and considering of the enmity that was in me to God that Scripture came in my mind He hath made peace by the blood of his Cross Col. 1.20 by which I was made to see both again and again and again that day that God and my Soul were friends by this blood yea I saw that the justice of God and my sinful Soul could imbrace and kiss each other through this blood thiâ— was a good day to me I hope I shall not forget it 95. At another time as I was set by the fiâ—e in my house and musing on my wretchedness the Lord made that also a precious word unto me For as much then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood he also himself likewise took part of thâ— same that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death that is the Devil and deliver those who through the fear of death were all their life time subject to bondage Heb. 2.14 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sat yet not with grief and trouble but with sollid joy and peace 96. At this time also I sat under the Ministry of holy Mr. Gifford whose Doctrine by Gods grace was much for my stability This man made it much his business to deliver the People of God from all those false and unsound rests that by Nature we are prone to take and make to our Souls he pressed us to take special heed that we took not up any truth upon trust as from this or that or another man or men but to cry mightily to God that he would convince us of the reality thereof and set us down therein by his own Spirit in the holy Word for said he if you do otherwise when temptations come if strongly you not having received them with evidence from Heaven will find you want that help and strength now to resist as once you thought you had 97. This was as seasonable to my Soul as the former and latter rain in their season for I had found and that by sad experience the truth of these his words For I had felt no man can say especially when tempted of the Devil that Jesus Christ is Lord but by the holy Ghost Wherefore I found my Soul thorow Grace very apt to drink in this Doctrine and to incline to pray to God that in nothing that pertained to Gods glory and my own eternal happiness he would suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from Heaven for now I saw clearly there was an exceeding difference betwix the notions of flesh and blood and the Revelations of God in Heaven also a great difference between that faith that is fained and according to mans wisdom and of that which comes by a man being born thereto of God Mat. 16.15 16. 1 John 5.1 98.
by Christ I was as if my Ioyns were broken or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains At this time also I felt some weakness to seiz my outward man which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable 215. Afrer I had been in this condition some three or four days as I was sitting by the fire I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart I must go to Jesus at this my former darkness and atheism fled away and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view while I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprize Wife said I is there ever a such Scripture I must go to Jesus she said she could not tell therefore I sat musing still to see if I could remember such a place I had not sat above two or three minutes but that came bolting in upon me And to an innumerable company of Angels and withall Hebrews the twelfth about the mount Zion was set before mine eyes 216. Then with joy I told my Wife O now I know I know but that night was a good night to me I never had but few better I longed for the company of some of Gods people that I might have imparted unto them what God had shewed me Christ vvas a precious Christ to my Soul that night I could scarce lie in my Bed for joy and peace and triumph thorow Christ this great glory did not continue upon me until morning yet that twelfth of the Author to the Hâ—brews Heb. 12.21 22 23. was a blessed Scripture to me for many days together after this 217. The words are these You are come to mount Zion to the City of the living God to the heavenly Jerusalem and to an innumerable company of Angels to the general assembly and Church of the first-born which are written in heaven to God the Judge of all and to the spirits of just men made perfect and to Jesus the Mediator of the New Testament and to the blood of sprinkling that speaketh better things than that of Abel Thorow this blessed Sentence the Lord led me over and over first to this word and then to that and shewed me wonderful glory in every one of them These words also have oft â—â—nce this time been great refreshment to my Spirit Blessed be God for having mercy on me A brief Account of the Authors Call to the Work of the Ministery 218. ANd now I am speaking my Experience I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the Word and of Gods dealing with me in that particular also For after I had been about five oâ— six years awakened and helped to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord and inabled to venture my Soul upon him some of the most able among the Saints with us I say the most able for Judgement and holiness of Life as they conceived did peâ—ceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of his Will in his holy and blessed Word and had given me utteâ—ance in some measure to express what I saw to others for edification they desired me and tâ—at with much earnestness that I would be willing at sometime to take in hand in one of the Meetings to speak a word of Exhortation unto them 219. The which though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit yet being still by them desired and intreated I consented to their requesâ— and did twice at two several Assemblies but in private though with much weakness and infirmity discover my Gift amongst them at which they not onely seemed to be but did solemnly protest as in the sight of the great God they were both affected and comforted and gave thanks to the Father of Mercies for the grace bestowed on me 220. After this sometimes when some of them did go into the Countâ—ey to teach tâ—ey would also that I should go with them where though as yet I did not nor durst not make use of my Gift in an open way yet moâ—e privately still as I came amongst the good People in those places I did sometimes speak a word of Admonition unto them also the which they as the other received with rejoycing at the mercy of God to me-ward professing their Souls were edified thereby 221. Wherefore to be brief at last being still desired by the Church after some solemn prayer to the Lord with fasting I was more particularly called forth and appointed to a more ordinary and publick preaching the Word not onely to and amongst them that believed but also to offer the Gospel â—o those that had not yet â—eceived the faith thereof about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forwaâ—d thereto tho I bless God not for desire of vain glory for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with â—he firy darts of the devil concerning my eternal state 222. But yet could not be content unless I was found in the exercise of my Gift unto which also I was gâ—eatly animated not onely by the continual desires of the Godly but also by that saying of Paul to the Corinthians I beseech you Brethren ye know the houshold of Stephanas that it is the firsâ— fruits of Achaia and that they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints that you submit your selves unto such and to every one that helpeth with us and laboureth 1 Cor. 16.15 16. 223. By this Text I was made to see that the holy Ghost never intended that men who have Gifts and Abilities should bury them in the earth but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints this Scripture in these days did continually run in my mind to incourage me and strengthen me in this my work foâ— God I have been also incouraged from several other Scriptures and examples of the Godly both specified in the Word and other ancient Histories Act. 8.4 18·24 25 c. 1 Pet. 4.10 Rom. 12.6 Fox Acts and Mon. 224. Wherefore though of my self of all the Saints the most unworthy yet I but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness did set upon the work and did according to my Gift and the proportion of my Faith preach that blessed Gospel that God had shewed me in the holy Word of truth which when the Countrey undeâ—stood they came in to hear the Word by hundreds and that from all parts though upon sundry and divers accounts 225. And I thank God he gave unto me some measure of bowâ—ls and pity for their Souls which also did put me forward to labour with great diligence and earnestness to find out such a Word as might if God vvould bless lay hold of and awaken the Conscience in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of his
then now I durst not take a pin or a stick though but so big as a straw for my conscience now was sore and would smart at every touch I could not now tell how to speak my words for fear I should mis-place them O how gingerly did I then go in all I did or said I found my self as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir and as there left both of God and Christ and the Spirit and all good things 70. And though I was thus troubled and tossed and afflicted with the sight and sence and terrour of my own wickedness yet I was afraid to let this sence and sight go quite off my minde for I found that unless guilt of Conscience was taken off the right way that is by the Blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of minde than better Wherefore if my guilt lay hard upon me then I should cry that the Blood of Christ might take it off and if it was going off without it for the sence of sin would be sometimes as if it would die and go quite away then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again by bringing the punishment for sin in Hell-fire upon my Spirit and should cry Lord let it not go off my heart but the right way but by the Blood of Christ and by the application of thy mercy thorow him to my Soul for that Scripture lay much upon me Without shedding of Blood there is no Remission Heb. 9.22 And that which made me the more afraid of this was Because I had seen some who though when they were under Wounds of Conscience then they would cry and pray but they seeking rather present Ease from their Trouble then Pardon foâ— their Sin cared not how they lost their guilt 〈◊〉 they got it out of their minde and therefore having got it off the wrong way it was not sanctifieâ— unto them but they grew harder and blinder anâ— more wicked after their trouble This made 〈◊〉 afraid and made me cry to God that it might noâ— be so with me 71. And now was I sorry that God had made mâ— a man for I feared I was a reprobate I counteâ— man as unconverted the most doleful of all thâ— Creatures Thus being afflicted and tossed abouâ— my sad condition I counted my self alone anâ— above the most of men unblest In this conditioâ— I went a great while but when comforting timâ— was come I heard one preach a Sermon upoâ— those words in the Song Song 4.1 Behold thou anâ— fair my Love behold thou art fair but at that timâ— he made these two words My Love his chief anâ— subject matter from which after he had a littlâ— opened the text he observed these several conclusions 1. That the Church and so every saved Soul 〈◊〉 Christs Love when loveless 2. Christs Love without 〈◊〉 cause 3. Christs Love when hated of the world 4. Christs Love when under temptation and under diâ—sertion 5. Christs Love from first to last 72. But I got noâ—hing by what he said at present only when he came to the application of the fourth particular this was the word he said If it be so thâ—â— the saved Soul is Christs Love when under temptatioâ— and dissertion then poor tempted Soul when thou art assaulted and afflâ—cted with temptation and the hidings 〈◊〉 Gods Face yet think on these two words MY LOVE still 73. So as I was a going home these words camâ— again into my thoughts and I well remember aâ— they came in I said thus in my heart What shall I get by thinking on these two words this thought had no sooner passed thorow my heart but the words began thus to kindle in my Spirit Thou art my Love thou art my Love twenty times together and still as they ran thus in my minde they waxed stronger and warmer and began to make me look up but being as yet between hope and fear I still replied in my heart But is it true too but is it true at which that sentence fell in upon me He wist not that it was true which was done unto him of the Angel Act. 12.9 74. Then I began to give place to the Word which with power did over and over make this joyful sound within my Soul Thou art my Love thou art my Love and nothing shall separate thee from my love and with that Rom. 8.39 came into my minde Now was my heart filled full of comfort and hope and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me wherefore I said in my Soul with much gladness Well I would I had a pen and ink here I would write this down before I go any further for surely I will not forget this forty years hence but alas within less then forty days I began to question all again 75. Yet still at times I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of Grace unto my Soul though I had lost much of the life and savouâ— of it Now about a week or fortnight after this I was much followed by this Scripture Simon Simon behold Satan hath desired to have you Luk. 22.31 and sometimes it would sound so loud within me yea and as it were call so strongly after me that once above all the rest I turned my head over my shoulder thinking verily that some man had behind me called to me being at a great distance 76. But so follish was I and ignorant that I knew not the reason of this sound which as I did both see and feel soon after was sent from heaven as an alarm to awaken me to provide for what was coming onely it would make me muse and wonder in my minde to think what should be the reason that this Scripture and that at this rate so often and so loud should still be sounding and ratling in mine ears But as I said before I soon after perceived the end of God therein 77. For about the space of a month after a very great storm came down upon me which handled me twenty times worse then all I had met with before it came stealing upon me now by one piece then by another first all my comfort was taken from me then darkness seized upon me after which whole flouds of Blasphemies both against God Christ and the Scriptures was poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me against the very being of God and of his onely beloved Son as whether there were in truth a God or Christ or no and whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a Fable and cunning Story then the holy and pure Word of God 78. The Tempter also would much assault me with this How can you tell but that the Turkâ— had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour as we have to prove our Jesus is and could I think that so many ten
yea it was so fixed on Eternity and on the things about the Kingdome of Heaven that is so far as I knew though as yet God knows I knew but little that neither pleasures nor profits nor perswasions nor threats could loosen it or make it let go its hold and thouâ—h I may speak it with shame yet it is in very deed a certain truth it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth as I have found it often since to get it again from earth to heaven 34. And now me thought I began to look into the Bible with new eyes and read as I never did before and especially the Epistles of the Apostle Paul were sweet and pleasant to me and indeed I was then never out of the Bible either by reading or meditation still crying out to God that I might know the truth and way to heaven and glory 35. And as I went on and read I lighted on that passage To one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdome to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit and to another Faith c. 1 Cor. 12. And though as I have since seen that by this Scripture the holy Ghost intends in special things extraordinary yet on me it then did fasten with conviction that I did want things ordinary even that understanding and wisdome that other Christians had On this word I mused and could not tell what to do for I feared it shut me out of all the blessings that other good people had given them of God but I was loath to conclude I had no Faith in my soul for if I do so thought I then I shall count my self a very Cast-away indeed 36. No said I with my self though I am convinced that I am an ignorant Sot and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other good people have yet at a venture I will conclude I am not altogether faithless though I know not what Faith is For it was shewed me and that too as I have since seen by Satan That those who conclude themselves in a faithless state have neither rest nor quiet in their Souls and â— was loath to fall quite into despair 37. Wherefore by this suggestion I was for a while made afraid to see my want of Faith but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my Soul but did continually against this my blinde and sad conclusion create still within me such suppositions That I might in this deceive my self that I could not rest conâ—ent until I did now come to some certain knowledge whether I had Faith or no this always running in my minde But how if you want Faith indeed but how can you tell you have Faith 38. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the business of Faith yet in a little time I better considering the matter was willing to put my self upon the tryal whether I had Faith or no. But alas poor Wretch so ignorant and brutish was I that I knew to this day no more how to do it than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of Art which I never yet saw nor considered 39. Wherefore while I was thus considering and being put to my plunge about it for you must know that as yet I had in this matter broken my mind to no man onely did hear and consider the Tempter came in with this delusion That there was no way for me to know I had Faith but by trying to work some miracle urging those Scriptures that seem to look that way for the inforcing and strengthening his Temptation Nay one day as I was betwixt Elstow and Bedford the temptation was hot upon me to try if I had Faith by doing of some miracle which miracle at that time was this I must say to the puddles that were in the horse pads Be dry and to the dry places Be you the puddles and truly one time I was a going to say so indeed but just as I was about to speak this thought came into my minde But go under yonder Hedge and pray first that God would make you able but when I had concluded to pray this came hot upon me That if I prayed and came again and tried to do it and yet did nothing notwithstanding then besure I had no Faith but was a Cast-away and lost Nay thought I if it be so I will never try yet but will stay a little longer 40. So I continued at a great loss for I thought if they onely had Faith which could do such wonderful things then I concluded that for the present I neither had it nor yet for time to come were ever like to have it Thus I was tossed betwixt the Devil and my own ignorance and so perplexed especially at some times that I could not tell what to doe 41. About this time the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford was thus in a Dream or Vision represented to me I saw as if they were set on the Sunny side of some high Mountain there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the Sun while I was shivering and shrinking in the cold afflicted with frost snow and dark clouds methought also betwixt me and them I saw a wall that did compass about this Mountain now thorow this wall my Soul did greatly desire to pass concluding that if I could I would goe even into the very midst of them and there also comfort my self with the heat of their Sun 42. About this wall I thought my self to goe again and again still prying as I went to see if I could find some way or passage by which I might enter therein but none could I find for some time at the last I saw as it were a narrow gap like a little door-way in the wall thorow which I attempted to pass but the passage being very straight and narrow I made many offers to get in but all in vain even untill I was well nigh quite beat out by striving to get in at last with great striving me thought I at first did get in my head after that by a side-ling striving my shoulders and my whole body then was I exceeding glad and went and sat down in the midst of them and so was comforted with the light and heat of their Sun 43. Now this Mountain and Wall c. was thus made out to me the Mountain signified the Church of the living God the Sun that shone thereon the comfortable shining of his mercifull face on them â—hat were therein the wall I thought was the Word â—hat did make separaâ—ion between the Christians â—nd the world and the gap which was in this wall I thought was Jesus Christ who is the way â—o God the Father But for as much as the passage was wonderful narrow even so narrow that I â—ould not but with great difficulty enter in thereâ—t it
thousands in so many Countreys and Kingdoms should be withouâ— the knowledge of the right way to Heaven if there were indeed a Heaven and that we onely who live but in a corner of the Earth should alone be blest therewith Every one doth think his owâ— Religion rightest both Jews and Moorâ— and Pagans and how if all our Faith and Christ and Scriptures should be but a think-so too 79. Sometime I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions and to set some of the Sentences of blessed Paul against them but alas I quickly felt when I thus did such arguings as these would return again upon me Though we made so great a matter of Paul and of his words yet how could I tell but that in very deed he being a subtile and cunning man might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions and also take both that pains and travel to undo and destroy his fellows 80. These suggestions with many other which at this time I may not nor dare not utter neither by word nor pen did make such a seizure upon my spirit and did so over-weigh my heart both with their number continuance and fiery force that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else and also concluded that God had in very wrath to my Soul given me up unto them to be carried away with them as with a mighty whirlwind 81. Onely by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit I felt there was something in me that refused to embrace them but this consideration I then onely had when God gave me leave to swallow my spittle otherwise the noise and strength and force of these temptations would drown and overflow and as it were bury all such thoughts or the remembrance of any such thing While I was in this temptation I should find often my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear or to speak some grievous thing of God or Christ his Son and of the Scriptures 82. Now I thought surely I am possessed of the Devil it other times again I thought I should be be rest of my wits for instead of lauding and magnifying of God the Loâ—d with others if I have but heard him spoken of presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart against him So that whether I did think that God was or again did think there were no such thing no love nor peace nor gracious disposition could I feel within me 83 These things did sink me into very deep despair for I concluded that such things could not possibly be sound amongst them that loved God I often when these temptations have been with force upon me did compare my self in the case of such a Child whom some Gypsie hath by force took up under her apron and is carrying from Friend and Country kick sometimes I did and also scream and cry but yet I was as bound in the wings of the temptation and the wind would carry me away I thought also of Saul and of the evil spirit that did possess him and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his 84. In these days when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy Ghost then would the Tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that sin that I was as if I could not must not neither should be quiet until I had committed that now no sin would serve but that if it were to be committed by speaking of such a word then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word whether I would or no and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin to hold my mouth from opening and to that enâ— also I have had thoughts at other times to leap with my head downward into some Muckhil-hole or other to keep my mouth from speaking 85. Now I blessed the condition of the Doggâ— and Toad and counted the estate of every thinâ— that God had made far better then this dreadful state of mine and such as my companions was yea gladly would I have been in the condition of Dog or Horse for I knew they had no Soul to perish under the everlasting weights of Hell for sin as mine was like to do Nay and though I saw this felt this and was broken to pieces with it yet that which added to my sorrow was that I could not finde that with all my Soul I did desire deliverance That Scripture also did tear and rend my Soul in the midst of these distractions The wicked are like the troubled Sea which cannot rest whose waters cast up mire and dirt There is no peace the wicked saith my God Isa. 57.20 21. 86. While this temptation lasted which was about a year I could attend upon none of the Ordinances of God but with sore and great affliction yea then was I most distressed with blasphemies if I have been hearing the Word then uncleanness blasphemies and despair would hold me as Captive there if I have been reading then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read sometimes again my mind would be so strangely snatched away and possessed with other things that I have neither known nor regarded nor remembred so much as the sentence that but now I have read 87. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time sometimes I have thought I should see the Devil nay thought I have felt him behind me pull my cloaths he would be also continually at me in the time of prayer to have done break off make haste you have prayed enough and stay no longer still drawing my minde away Sometimes â—lso he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these that I must pray to him or for him I have thought sometimes of that Fall down or If thou wilt fall down and worship me 88. Also when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty I have laboured to compose my mind and fix it upon God then with great force hath the Tempter laboured to distract me and confound me and to turn away my mind by presenting to my heart and fancy the form of a Bush a Bull a Besom or the like as if I should pray to those to these also he would at sometimes especially so hold my mind that I was as if I could think of nothing else or pray to nothing else but to these or such as they 89. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of God and the reality of the truth of his Gospel but oh how would my heart at such times put forth it self with unexpressable groanings my whole Soul was then in every word I should cry with pangs after God that he would be merciful to me but then I should be daunted again
But oh now how was my Soul led from truth to truth by God! even from the birth and Cradle of the Son of God to his ascention and second coming from Heaven to judge the World 99. Truly I then found upon this account the great God was very Good unto me for to my remembrance there was not any thing that then I câ—ied to God to make known and reveal unto me but he was pleased to do it for me I mean not one part of the Gospel of the Lord Jesus but I was orderly led into it me thought I saw with great evidence from the relation of the four Evangelists the wonderful work of God in giving Jesus Christ to save us from his conception and birth even to his second coming to judgement me thought I was as if I had seen him born as if I had seen him grow up as if I had seen him walk thorow this world from the Cradle to his Cross to which also when he came I saw how gently he gave himself to be hanged and nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings also as I was musing on this his progress that droped on my Spirit He was ordained for the slaughter 1 Pet. 1.19 20. 100. When I have considered also the truth of his resurrection and have remembred that word touch me not Mary c. I have seen as if he leaped at the Graves mouth for joy that he was risen again and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes John 20.17 I have also in the Spirit seen him a man on the right hand of God the Father for me and have seen the manner of his comming from Heaven to judge the world with glory and have been confirmed in these things by these Scriptures following Acts 1.9 10. Acts. 7. 56. Actâ— 10.42 Heb. 7.24 Heb. 8.38 Rev. 1.18 1 Thes. 4.17 18. Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was both Man as well as God and God as well as Man and truly in those dayes let men say what they would unless I had it with evidence from Heaven all was as nothing to me I counted not my self set down in any truth of God well I was much troubled about this point and could not tell how to be resolved at last that in the fift of the Revelations came into my mind And I beheld and lo in the midst of the Throne and of the four Beasts and in the midst of the Elders stood a Lamb in the midst of the Throne there is his God-head in the midst of the Elders there is his man hood but O me thought this did glister it was a goodly touch and gave me sweet satisfaction that other Scripture also did help me much in this To us a Child is born to us a Son is given and the government shall be upon his shoulder and his Name shall be called Wonderful Counsellor the Mighty God the Everlasting Father the Prince of Peace c. Isa. 9.6 101. Also besides these teachings of God in his Word the Lord made use of two things to confirm me in these things the one was the errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin for as the Quakers did oppose his Truth so God did the more confirm me in it by leading me into the Scriptures that did wonderfully maintain it and as I said the guilt of sin did help me much for still as that would come upon me the blood of Christ did take it off again and again and again and that too sweetly according to the Scriptures O Friends cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you there is none teacheth like him 102. It would be too long for me here to stay to tell you in particular how God did set me down in all the things of Christ and how he did that he might so do lead me into his words yea and also how he did open them unto me make them shine before me and cause them to dwell with me talk with me and comfort me over and over both of his own being and the being of his Son and Spirit and Word and Gospel 103. Onely this as I said before I will say unto you again that in general he was pleased to take this course with me first to suffer me to be afflicted with temptation concerning them and then reveal them to me as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin even crushed to the ground therewith and then the Lord would shew me the death of Christ yea and so sprinkle my Conscience with his Blood that I should find and that before I was aware that in that Conscience where but just now did reign and â—age the Law even there would rest and abide the Peace and Love of God thorow Christ. 104. Now had I an evidence for Heaven with many golden Seals thereon all hanging in my sight now could I remember this manifestation and the other discovery of grace with comfort and should often long and desire that the last day were come that I might for ever be inflamed with the sight and joy and communion of him whose Head was crowned with Thorns whose Face was spit on and Body broken and Soul made an offering for my sins for whereas before â— lay continually trembling at the mouth of Hell now me thought I was got so far therefrom thaâ— I could not when I looked back scarce discern it 〈◊〉 and O thought I that I were fourscore years old now that I might die quickly that my soul mighâ— be gone to rest 105. But after the Lord had in this manner 〈◊〉 graciously delivered me from this great and sorâ— temptation and had set me down so sweetly in the Faith of his holy gospel and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching my interest in his love through Christ the Tempter came upon me again and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation then before 106. And that was to sell and part with this most blessed Christ to exchange him for the things of this life for any thing the temptation lay upon me for the space of a year and did follow me so continually that I was not rid of it one day iâ— a month no not sometimes one hour in many dayes together unless I was asleep 107. And though in my judgement I was perswaded that those who were once effectually in Christ as I hoped through his grace I had seen my self could never lose him for ever For the land shall not be sold for ever for the Land is mine saith God Levit. 25.23 yet it was a conâ—inual vexation to me to think that I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ a Jesus that had done for me as he had done 108. But it was neither my dislike of the thought nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist it that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength
time my Wife was great with Child and before her full time was come her pangs as of a woman in travel were fierce and sâ—rong upon her even as if sâ—e would immediately have fallen in labour and been delivered of an untimely birth now at this very time it was that I had been so strongly tempted to question the â—eing of God wherefore as my Wife lay crying by me I said but with all secresie immaginable even thinking in my heart Lord if thou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my Wife and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night and now weâ—e her pangs just upon her then shall know that thou canst discern the most secret thought of the heart 195. I had no sooner said it in my â—eaâ—t but her pangs were taken fâ—om her and she was cast into a deep sleep and so she continued till morning at this I greatly marvelled not knowing what to think but after I had been awake a good while and heard her câ—y no more I fell to sleeping alâ—o So when I waked in the morning it came upon me again even what I had said in my heart the last night and how the Loâ—d had sâ—ewed me that he knew my secrâ—t tâ—oughts which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after 196. Well about a year and an half afterwards that wicked sinful thought of which I have spoken before went thorow my wicked heart even this thought Let Christ go if he will so when I was fallen under guilt for this the remembrance of my other thought and of the effect thereof vvould also come upon me vvith this retort vvhich carried also rebuke along vvith it Now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart 197. And with this that of the passages that was betwixt the Lord and his servant Gideon fell upon my spirit how because that Gideon tempted God vvith his Fleece both vvet and dry vvhen he should have believed and ventured upon his Word therefore the Lord did afteâ—wards so try him as to send him against an innumerable company of Enemies and that too as to outward appearance vvithout any strength or help Judg. Chap. 6 7. Thus he seâ—ved me and that justly for I should have believed his Word and not have put an if upon the all-seeingness of God 198. And now to shew you something of the advantages that I also gained by this Temptation And first By this I vvas made continually to possess in my Soul a very vvonderful sence both of the being and glory of God and of his beloved Son in the temptation befoâ—e my Soul vvas perplexed vvith Atheism but now the case vvas otherwise novv vvas God and Christ continually before my face though not in a vvay of comfort but in a vvay of exceeding dread and terrour The glory of the Holiness of God did at this time break me to pieces and the Bovvels and Compassion of Christ did break me as on the Wheel for I coulâ— not consider him but as a lost and rejected Christ the remembrance of vvhich vvas as the continual breaking of my bones 199. The Scâ—iptures now also vvere vvonderful things unto me I savv that the truth and verity of them vveâ—e the Keys of the Kingdom of Heaven those the Scriptures favour they must inherit bliss but those they oppose and condemn must perish for evermore O this vvord For the Scriptures cannot be broken vvould â—end the caul of my heart and so vvould that other Whose sins ye remit they are remitted but whose sins ye retain they are retained Novv I savv the Apostles to be the Elders of the City of Refuge Josh. 20.4 those they vvere to receive in vvere received to Life but those that they shut out vvere to be slain by the avenger of blood 200. O! one sentence of the Scripture did more afflict and terrifie my mind I mean those sentences that stood against me as sometimes I thought they every one did more I say than an Army of forty thousand men that might have come against me Wo be to him against vvhom the Scriptures bend themselves 201. By this Temptation I vvas made see more into the nature of the Pâ—omise then ever I vvas before for I lying novv trembling under the mighty hand of God continually torn and rent by the thunderings of his Justice this made me vvith caâ—eful heart and vvatchful eye vvith great seriousness to turn over every leaf and with much diligence mixt vvith trembling to consider every sentence together vvith its natural foâ—ce and latitude 202. By this Temptation also I vvas greatly beaâ—en oft my former foolish practice of putting by the Word of Promise vâ—hen it came into my mind for now though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the Promise as I had done at other times yet like to a man a sinking I should catch at all I saw formerly I thought I might not meddle with the Promise unless I felt its comfort but now 't was no time thus to do the Avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me 203. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word which yet I feared I had no ground nor right to own and even to leap into the Bosom of that Promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me Now also I should labour to take the woâ—d as God had laid it down without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof O what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John And him that comes to me I will in no wise cast out now I began to consider with my self that God had a bigger mouth to speak with than I had heart to conceive with I thought also with my self that he spake not his words in haste or in an unadvised hear but with infinite wisdom and judgement and in very truth and faithfulness 2 Sam. 3.28 204. I should in these dayes often in my greatest agonies even flounce towards the Promise as the horses do towards sound ground that yet stick in the mire concluding though as one almost bereft of his vvits through fear on this I will rest and stay and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it O! many a pull hath my heart had with Saâ—an for that blessed sixth of John I did not now as at other times look principally for comfoâ—t though O how welcome would it have been unto me but now a Word a Word to lean a weary Soul upon that I might not sink for ever 205. Yea often when I have been making to the Promise I have seen as if the Lord would â—efuse my Soul for ever I vvas often as if I had run upon the pikes and as if the Lord had thrust at me to keep me from him as with a flaming sword Then I should think of Esther who went to petition
269. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight and still the tempter followed me with But whithâ—r must you go when you die what will become of you whâ—re will you be found in â—nother world what evidence have you for heaven and gloâ—y and an inheritance aâ—ong them that are sanctified Thus was I tossed for manie weeks and knew not what to do at last this consideration fell with weight upon me That it was for the Word and Way of Gâ—d that I was in this condition wherefore I was ingaged nor to flinch a hairs bredth from it 270 I thought also that God might chuse whether he would give me comfort now or at the hour of death but I might not therefore chuse whetheâ— I would hold my profession or no I was bound but he was free yea t was my dutie to stand to his Word whether he would ever look upon me or no or save me aâ— the last Wherefore thought I the point being thus I am for going on and venturing my eternal state with Christ whether I have comfort here or no if God doth not come in thought I I will leap off the Ladder even blindfold into â—ternitie sinâ— or swim come heaven come hell Lord Jesus if thou wilt catch me do I vvill venture for thy Name 271. I was no sooâ—er fixed upon this resolution But that Word dropt upon me Doth Job serve God for no â—ight as if the accuser had said Lord Job is no upright man he serves thee for by respects hast thou not made a hedge about him c. but put forth now thy hand and touch all that he hath â—nd he will curse thee to thy face How now thoughtâ— is this the sign of an upright Souâ— to desire to serve God when all is taken from him is he a goâ—lie man that vvill serve God for nothing raâ—her then give out blessed be God then I hope I have aâ— upright heart for I am resolved God give me strength neveâ— to denie my profession though I have nothing at all for my pains anâ— as I was thus considering that Scripture was set before me Psa. 44.12 c. 272. Novv vvas my heart full of comfort for I hoped it vvâ—s sincere I vvould not have been vvithout this trial for much I am comforted everie time I think of it and I hope shall bless God for ever for the teaching I have had by it Many more of the Dealings of God tovvards me I might relate but these out of the spoils vvoâ— in Battel have I dedicated to maintain the House of God 1 Chron. 26.27 The CONCLUSION 1. OF all the Temptations that ever I met with in my life to question the being and truth of the Goâ—spel iâ— the worst and worst to be born when this temptation comes it takes away my girdle from me and removeth thâ—â—oundation from under me O I have often thought of that word Have your loynâ— girt about with truth and of that When the foundations are destroyed what can the Righteous do 2. I have wondered much at this one thing that though God doth â—isit my Soul with never so blessed a discoverie of himself yet I 〈◊〉 found again that such hours have attended me afterwards that I have been in my spirit so filled with darkness that I could not so much as once conceive what that God and that comfoâ—t was with which I have been refreshed 3. I have sometimes seeâ— more in a line of the Bible then I could vvell tell hovv to stand under yet at another time the vvhole Bible hath been to me as drie as a stick or ratâ—er my heart hath been so dead and drie unto it that I could not conceive the least dram of refreshment though I have lookt it over 4. Of all tears theâ— are the best that are made by the Blood of Christ and of all joy that is the sweetest that is mixt with mourning over Chriâ—â— O t is a goodly thing to be on our knees with Châ—ist in our arms before God I hope I know something of these things 5. I find to thâ—s day seven abominations in my heart 1. In clinings to unbelief 2. Suddenlie to forget the loâ—e and mercie that Christ manifesteth 3. A leaning to the Works of the Law 4. Wandrings and coldness n prayer 5. To forget to watch for that I pray for 6. apt to murmur bâ—cause I have no more and yet readie to abuse what I have 7 I can do none of thâ—se things which God commands me but my corruptions will thrust in themselves When I would do good evil is present with me 6. These things I continuallie see and feel and am afflâ—cted and oppressed with yet the Wisdom of God doâ—h order theâ— for my good 1. They make me abhor my self 2. They keep me from trusting my heart 3. They convince me of the insufficiencie of all inherent righteousness 4. They shew me the necessity of fleeing to Jesus 5. They presâ— me to pray unto God 6. They shew me the need â— have to watch and be sober 7. And provoke me to look to God thorow Christ to help me and carry me thorow this world Amen FINIS