Credo though yet still not by way of Discourse then we could tell how to vnderstand with all our humane diligences of this world in the compasse of manie yeares But now to exercise and employ the Powers of the Minde and yet the while to thinke of making them stand at a stay is a sensles kind of fancie and foolerie And I say and say againe though perhaps it be not well vnderstood that this is no act of anie great Humilitie and though it should not be guiltie of being a fault yet it will not faile to be subiect to the punishment for at least it will be all labour lost and the Soule findes it self to remaine with an odd little kinde of disgust as when a man goes to leape when yet men hold him fast by the back For such an one seemes already to haue employed all his strength to doe somewhat which he desired and yet findes himself without effecting what he pretended And so whosoeuer will consider the matter well shall come to discerne by the slender gaine which he made this little half inuisible dust of the want of Humilitie whereof I spake For in fine this vertue hath that excellencie amongst others in it That there is no worke or action in the world if it be accompanied with that vertue which will euer leaue the Soule in disgust There were diuers yeares when I was wont to reade manie things and yet vnderstood none of them all and there was afterward also a long time when though God gaue me abilitie to vnderstand yet could I not speake a word wherewith to make it be vnderstood by others and this point cost me no small labour But when his Diuine Maiestie hath a minde to teach it he doth it so all at an instant that I am amazed And one thing I can say with much truth that though I spake with manie Spirituall persons who had a minde to make me vnderstand what our Lord imparted to me that so I might the better declare things in particular and cleare manner to them it is certaine that my dulnes was so great as that their discourse was not of anie vse to me at all And perhaps our Blessed Lord as his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed still to be my Master let him be blessed for euer since it is confusion enough for me to be able to say thus much with truth was pleased that I should haue no bodie to thanke for it but himself and that without my desiring or euen wishing it for in this I was not a whitt curious wherein it might haue been a vertue to be so but I was so about the vanities of the world he would giue me to vnderstand and comprehend it with all claritie yea and so as that I could vnfold it also to others in such sort as that men were amazed at it and my self more then anie of my Ghostlie Fathers because I vnderstood mine owne dulnes better then they Nor is it anie long time since this hapned to me and so I procure not to know those things which our Lord hath not taught me but I only consider and take care of them so farre as whereby my Conscience may be concerned I returne yet once againe to aduise and declare that it will import vs very much not to eleuate and raise our Spirit vnlesse our Lord be pleased to eleuate and raise it which if he doe it will instantly be vnderstood and especially this is more dangerous for woemen for the Diuel may bring some illusion vpon them though yet withall I hold it for very certaine that our Lord will not permitt that the Diuel should be able to hurt anie such person as shall procure to approach his Diuine Maiestie with Humilitie but rather that he shall be able to giue himself more aduantage and profit by that whereby the Diuel meant to destroy him But now in regard that this way of beginners in the exercise of Mentall Prayer is more beaten and because the admonitions which I haue giuen import much I haue enlarged my self thus farr though yet others will certainly haue written much better of it But thus much doe I confesse and I haue expressed my self heerin with abundance of confusion and shame though yet still not with so much as I ought to haue had Let our Lord be euer Blessed for all since he permits and is pleased that so miserable a Creature as I should speake of things belonging to his Diuine Maiestie and those things such and so high THE THIRTEENTH CHAPTER She proceeds in this First Degree and State of Prayer and giues aduise against some temptations vvhich the Diuel is sometimes vvont to bring This Discourse is very profitable I Haue thought fitt to speake heer of certaine temptations which I haue found to be brought against some in their beginning to vse Mentall Prayer and some I haue felt my self and I will also giue some aduise which I hold to be necessarie heerin Let therefore a beginner procure to goe-on with great alacritie and Libertie of Spirit for there be some who are apt to thinke that all their deuotion is instantly to vanish if they doe neuer so little amisse therein It is true that it will be very fitt to continue in a holie doubt and feare of themselues that so they may not be confident at all to put themselues into anie occasion wherein our Lord is wont to be offended for it will euer be very necessarie to vse this actual diligence till one be very entire in the possession of vertue and there are not manie who may be so very confident of themselues as that in such occasions which haue conformitie with their naturall disposition and inclination they may be out of care and feare And in fine it will euer be fitt that so long as we shall liue in this world we consider our miserable nature though it were but euen for the continuall exercise of humilitie but there are manie times when it is permitted as I haue sayd to be taking recreation though it were but to enable vs the better to returne the more encouraged and fortifyed towards the making of Prayer In all things it will euer be needfull to vse discretion and withall to haue great confidence in God for it is by no meanes fitt to goe lessning diminishing our desires but to belieue of Almightie God that if we will endeauour earnestly by little and little we may by the fauour of his Diuine Maiestie ariue though it be not presently where manie Saints haue ariued who if they had neuer resolued to aspire to Perfection and had not also endeauoured by little and little to acquire it would neuer haue been able to obtaine so high a State His Diuine Maiestie is a very great friend and fauourer of couragious Soules so that withall they proceed with Humilitie not with anie confidence in themselues and I haue yet neuer seen anie one of this kinde who hath
in the exercise of bounty Her compassion vvas most eminent to vvards the releife of all Creatures in miserye so especially vvas her sollicitude to consolate regale all such in all occasions as vvere intrusted to her care vvhilst yet she vvould needs be vnkind and euen as it vvere cruell to her selfe alone Aboue all things she was a most perfect Louer of Truth so full of matchless candour sincerity in all expressions vpon all occasions that she vvould no more haue euen so much as but disguised it and much lesse varyed from it in the least kind especially vvhen the question had any vvay concerned her owne aduantage then she vvould haue sold her selfe for a Slaue These I say vvere the conditions of this admirable Creature and these were the parts of her Minde vvhich yet I consider but in the nature of Fruits But they grew from these Roots vvhich follow A most profound Humility A most inuiolable Chastity A most strict loue of Pouerty A most vnshaken and inuincible Patience in despight of sharpe Sicknesses tormenting paines and endlesse persecutions A most ardent and inflamed Charity both towards God man which bred an eager and insatiable appetite to winne Soules An vndaunted Fortitude high Courage and that no less in the endeauouring great things then in the suffering hard things A constant continuall Supernaturall most Eleuated course of Prayer and Contemplation Such a kind of excellent Creature was this But yet whē I ouerlooked the little vvhich I had heer set downe I confess it seemed at the first euē in mine owne eye to be a very extraordinary Elogium of her Vertues and parts and as if it might perhaps haue had more in it of the Panegerick then of a iust Praise And therefore before I vvould giue it passage to the Print I looked attentiuely back vpon vvhat I had read of her concerning her resolutions and heroicall actions recorded in authenticall manner by diuerse graue and vvise Authours and in seuerall places also of her owne Workes and particularly vpon what is deliuered by Father Ribera in the Historicall Relation of her vvhole Life But when I came back from thence compared that kind of Descant vvith my Plaine-Song concerning the Saint I found my selfe to haue rather falne much too short then to haue any way ouer-short in this kind and that the particulars recounted with great authority els vvhere for the proofe of how she professed her selfe after a high most Heroicall manner in the practise pursuite of Vertue in order to all sanctity perfection to vvhich she aspired where by God's great mercy she ariued vvould haue no less auowed then encouraged my Penn to haue done her much more honour that is more right if it had not been employed by so vveake a hand as mine But in the meane time I haue considered the Example of the holy S. Hierome vvho vvriting of his S. Paula to Eustochium her Daughter hath these vvords I take Iesus and his Saints to vvitnes as also that particular Angell vvho vvas the Guardian and Companion of this admirable vvoeman That I vvill say nothing of her for fauour nothing after the custome of Flatterers but that vvhatsoeuer I am to deliaer shall be as if it vvere vpon mine Oath and yet still it vvill fall short of her merits And now this shall authorise mee also to take our Blessed Lord to witnesse that to the best of my poore vnderstanding I haue not mistaken my selfe about the celebration vvhich heer I make of our Saint in the point of haueing praised her too much but rather that I am growne to be her Debtour then her Creditour heerin For if euer there haue been in the whole vvorld many vvoemen of more admirable parts perfections both in their Intellectualls their Moralls which I account to be as the Simples of a Soule in the vse also thereof whereby those Simples grow to be mixed and whether wee shall consider them in the Naturall or Supernaturall way it is more then I haue been able to know either by reading or els by Discourse yet I haue been carefull enough to enquire But now the certainty of this truth will yet euen further appeare when I shall tell you that which followes And it is That when the Saint made obseruation had experience of the world 's great frailtie and lesse perfection and that the Religious Order and House vvhere she had entred had obtained certaine Relaxations and Dispensations from diuerse strict Clauses and Conditions of the first Institute and when she had also mett with some Customes through which euen her self had receiued disaduantage by dissipation and diminution of Spirit as namely in regard of great publique resort to the House and a multitude of vnnecessarie Conuersations and especially for that they were not bound to continuall Clausure but had libertie to goe abroad though yet only by leaue of their Superiours to visit their Parents and neer kinred at some times she grew into a full resolution That if euer it should be in her power to free her self from that course and to set more limited bounds vpon her wayes and to inuite others also by her example to expresse their great desire to gaine and perfect Soules she would not faile to put that purpose of hers in execution And so after the expiring of some time the encountring of manie impedimēts and the ouercoming a vvorld of difficulties she grew to expresse her loue to our B Lord but in the person of such Creatures as for whome he dyed to such a proportion and in so high a kind as to proiect and perfect so great and hard a vvorke as that perhaps no Woeman will be seen to haue euer procured and performed the like For to reforme a Religious Order and to reduce it to the first strict Institute is a matter of much more difficultie then to Found one And for a Woeman vvho vvas of no absolute power to command to passe through so manie impediments and to vvinne the Prize and to adorne euen that Originall Rule it self vvith so manie holie and wise Documents and Constitutions of her owne for the raising and true refining of Spirit according to the necessities and exigēces of those present most depraued times makes the busines become yet more hard and strange on the one side and more vsefull also more excellent on the other For as I conceaue it to be a truth that there is no one approued Order of Religious people in the Holie Catholique Church vvhich is not of the best of all others in that vvay of Spirit for which it was cheifly instituted by Almightie God and especially for those times in which it was instituted So is it not only pietie but euen prudēce also to beleiue that since this Blessed Woeman was stirred-vp by God's holie Spirit in this Age of ours for the redresse of our moderne great disorders that his Diuine Maiestie
be able to suffer the difficulties and troubles of a Religious life because formerly I had been vsed so delicately and vvas so nice But yet against this also I defended my self as vvell as I could by the afflictions vvhich Christ our Lord endured for me and that so it vvould not be much for me to endure some for him I ought also to haue considered that he would giue me help to beare them Yet I remember not whether I had this last consideration or no but I am sure I had temptations enow about that time I then also grew to haue great fitts of fainting by a burning Feauer into wich I fell for I alwaies had little health But it gaue mee euen my life at that time that already I was growne to loue good Bookes and so I came to reade the Epistles of S. Ierome which holpe me to such hart and courage as to make me resolue that I would impart my purpose to my Father which in effect was euen as much for me as to take the verie Habit vpon mee For I was euer so affected to maintaine the point of Honour that mee thinkes I could neuer haue turned back againe vpon any tearmes when I had first engaged my selfe by speaking any one word to the contrary But he loued me to so strange a proportion that by no meanes I could winne his consent nor was the intercession of such persons as I procured to moue him in order to my end of anie power at all to preuaile The most that I could get at his hands was that when he should be dead I might doe what I listed with my self But as for me I was in doubt of mine owne great weaknes as fearing that I might loose ground and fall back againe And so I thought it was not fitt for me to content my self with the offer which he made and I procured therefore to obtaine my end by another meanes which I will now declare THE FOVRTH CHAPTER VVherein she relates hovv our Lord assisted her to force herself to take the Habit of Religion And of the manie infirmities vvhich he began to bring vpon her IN these dayes whilst I was walking on with my hart in such determinations or strong purposes as I haue heer described I perswaded one of my Brothers to become a Religious man discoursing to him vpon the vanitie of the world and so we both of vs agreed to goe very early together one morning to the Monasterie where that friend of mine remained who was she to whome I carried so great affection though yet in this last firme purpose of mine I was growne to be of such resolution that I vvould liue vvhereseuer I thought I might serue God best or my Father should desire most that I might be for now I sought more earnestly for the good of my soule and made no account at all of rest or ease And I remember to the verie vttermost of what I am able to call to minde and according to the verie rigour of truth that whilst I was going out of my Father's house I belieue not that the sharpnes of sense will be able to be greater euen in the verie instant or agonie of my death then it was then For it seemed to me as if euerie bone which I had in my bodie had been disioynted from all the rest And there being no such loue of God in me at that time as vvas able to quench that loue vvhich my hart carried to my Father and Friends all that vvhich then I did vvas vvith so mighty a violence that if God had not giuen me great help mine owne consideration would neuer haue beē able to carry me on but heer he allowed me such courage euen against myself that I had power to put my purpose in execution At the instant of my taking the Habit our Lord gaue me vvell to vnderstand hovv highly he fauours them vvho offer themselues violence for the doing him anie seruice though yet no bodie had found by me but that I entred into the vvay of Religious Obseruance vvith much facility and good liking But at that verie instant I tooke so great cōtentment to put my self into that manner of life as hath neuer failed me once till this verie hower And God changed that drynes vvherein my soule had formerly been into an extreame tendernes and all the obseruances of Religion gaue me great delight yea and it is a most certaine truth that vvhilst I vvas sometimes going vp and downe to sweepe the house at such howers as before I had been vvont to employ vpon the gallanterie and regalo of my person and vvent considering that now I vvas free from that subiection it gaue me a particular ioy and that so very great that it amazed me nor vvas it in my power to vnderstand from vvhence the same should come VVhen I remembred and cōsidered this there could be nothing how grieuous soeuer vpon vvhich if it vvere sett before me I should not haue ventured to attempt For I haue already good experience of things enow to assure me that since God did help me in the beginning to resolue to doe such things as these vvhich being only donne for the loue of God he ordaines for our greater merit afterward that our soules should be in some trouble and terrour at the first and the greater that trouble is the greater and the more sauourie also vvill the reward therof fall out to be if vve goe through vvith the busines his Maiestie vvil also be pleased to recompense them highly vvel euen in this life by such vvayes as he only vvho enioyes them can vnderstand This I say I haue found true by experience in manie particulars of great moment And therefore if I vvere a person vvho might be vvished to giue my opinion I vvould neuer aduise anie Creature that vvhen anie good inspiration did often moue and set vpon a soule it should giue it ouer for feare of not performing the vvorke For if one goe on meerly and purely for the onlie loue of our Lord there must be no feare at all of good successe since the same Lord is powerfull enough to preuaile in all things And let him be euer blessed Amen These fauours vvhich thou hadst hitherto bestowed vpō me out of thine owne meer goodnes and greatnes might vvell haue been sufficient O thou my Soueraigne Good and repose of my soule to draw me towards thee by so manie vvindings and turnings to so safe a vvay of life and to a House vvhere there are so manie seruants of thine of vvhome I might learne to grow vp in pleasing thee But heer I know not how I can passe on to thinke of anie thing els vvhen I consider the manner of my Profession and the great resolution and gust vvherewith I made it and the Espousalls vvhich I perfected vvith thee For I cannot speake of this vvithout teares which were to be euen of bloud and not vvithout the breaking of my verie hart vvhich
continued to remaine in a very inferiour degree in this way nor neuer also anie one cowardlie Soule though yet withall it had the safegarde of Humilitie which was able to make so much way in manie yeares as I haue found those others doe in very few I am euen amazed when I consider how much it workes in this kinde for one to animate himself towards the doing of great things though instantly he may perhaps not haue force where with to performe For the Soule puts herself to make a Flight and ariues to be in a high place though yet like some young Bird she be not so well feathered yet and therefore as being wearie she can but pause and houer In former time I often remembred and considered what S. Paul affirmes of himself Namely That he could doe all things in God vvho comforted him for as for me I knew well that I could doe nothing of my self But that Saying of his did me very much good so also did this other of S. Augustin Giue me O Lord vvhat thou commandest and then command me vvhat thou vvilt And for my part I thought also manie times that S. Peter had lost nothing by the bargaine when he cast himselfe headlōg into the Sea though yet he were afrayd afterward In a word these first strong purposes and resolutions are a great matter though yet in this First Degree and State it is fitt that we goe detaining our selues and hold our selues fast tyed to the discretion and disposing of a Directour but then we must procure that he may be such an one as will not teach vs to leape heauily and dully like certaine Toades nor be content that our Soules dispose themselues to hunt those little weake beasts called Lizards Only Humilitie must euer goe before that so we may besure to vnderstand that this strength doth not grow from our selues But heer it will be necessarie for vs to know what kinde of Humilitie this of ours must be and I am very apt to thinke that the Diuel does much hurt towards the making such as exercise Prayer not to aduance themselues very much in their way by causing them to mis-vnderstand Humilitie and by procuring to make vs belieue that it is but a kinde of pride to haue Heroicall desires and to pretend to imitate Saints and to desire to be Martyrs For vpon this he tells vs and makes vs thinke that the actions of Saints are fitt to be admired but not to be imitated by vs who are Sinners This doe I also say as well as he only we must consider what in particular is fitt for admiration and what for imitation For it would be no way conuenient that a person who were sick and weake should put himself vpon great Fasts and sharp Pennances or should betake himself to the Wildernes where he might neither be able to sleep nor yet could get what to eate or the like But yet we ought to thinke that we may well endeauour earnestly by God's Fauour to hold the world in great contempt and not to esteem earthlie honour and not to remaine tyed-vp to the care of riches But we really haue harts so very poore and straight that it seemes to vs as if we could not haue ground enough to goe vpon if once we should lay the care of our Bodie neuer so little aside to giue it to the Soule It seemes therefore heer already that euen for the better enioying of Recollection it will be good that we be in no want of necessarie things for anie kinde of care will be able to disquiet men in Prayer And I am hartily sorry that we should haue so little confidence in God and so much loue of our selues as that we should be disquieted by this thought But the truth is that wheresoeuer men haue made so small progresse as this in the way of Spirit certaine fooleries will trouble some as much as greater and more substantiall matters will doe others and yet still in our way of vnderstanding we will needs presume our selues to be Spirituall persons It seemes to me that this kinde of way of proceeding shewes a desire in them to put the Bodie and Minde into such a concurrence and correspondence as that we would faine finde meanes to take our ease in this world and yet enioy God in the next and that conceipt will proue to be true if we liue according to Iustice and continue to stick close to Vertue but yet still this is but the pace of a Henn and it will neuer be able to bring vs on to enioy true Libertie of Spirit This seemes indeed to be a good way of proceeding for such as are in state of Marriage who are to carrie themselues according to their Vocation but for anie other state then that I doe by no meanes desire anie such kinde of profiting in Spirit as this nor shall they euer make me beleiue that it is a good one for I haue tryed it long enough and I had euer continued in that way if our Lord through his infinit goodnes had not shewed me another and a shorter cutt though yet withall it be true that I had euer great desires but I procured as I haue sayd to vse Prayer though yet still to liue withall at my pleasure But really I conceaue that if anie bodie would haue encouraged me to flye a higher pitch I should haue striuen hard to make those desires proue deeds But alas it is true that through our Sinnes there are so very few and may so quickly be counted who haue anie more discretion then is necessarie for such occurrences as these that I belieue it is a great part of the cause why such as are beginners can get no faster on towards great perfection for our Lord doth neuer faile on his part but it is we who are still the faultie and miserable Creatures They may also be able to imitate the Saints in procuring to vse Solitude and keep Silence and to exercise manie other vertues which will yet by no meanes murder this miserable Bodie which they desire to preserue with such curiositie care though it should turne to the disorder of the Soule And now the Diuel is carefull enough to helpe to render vs the more vnable for when he sees but a little inordinate feare he desires no more then to make vs apprehend that euerie thing will be apt to kill vs or at least to depriue vs of our health yea and if we be accustomed to haue teares he will put vs into a feare that we shall be blinde My self haue passed by this Walke therefore I know it and I know withall that I cannot tell what better kinde of life or health we can possibly desire then to loose them both vpon such an occasion My self being so sicklie as I was till I resolued to make no account at all of my health and of my bodie was euer tyed vp and was good for nothing and euen now it is
And now it seemes to me that our Lord hath declared these States of Prayer wherein the Soule may discerne her self as farre as she can be giuen to be vnderstood heer And your Reuerence shall doe well to conferr about it with some such Spirituall person who may be learned as shall haue ariued thus farre And if he tell you that all is well you may conceaue that God hath sayd it to you and esteem it as a great benefit from his Diuine Maiestie for you will in tract of time reioyce as I haue sayd very much to vnderstand in cleare manner what it is though now whilst you haue the grace to enioy it he allowes you not the Fauour to vnderstand it so But as his Diuine Maiestie hath giuen you the first part which is the enioying so you will afterward perhaps by your knowledge and learning come also to vnderstand it by this meanes Let him be adored and praised for the eternitie of all eternities Amen THE EIGHTEENTH CHAPTER She treats of the Fourth Degree of Prayer She beginnes heer to declare in excellent manner the great dignitie to vvhich our Lord aduances that Soule vvhich is exalted to this State It serues to animate men much to endeauour that they may ariue to so high a condition since it may be obtained in this vvorld through the goodnes of our Lord though it cannot be deserued Let this be read vvith consideration and care I Beseech our Lord that he will teach me how to vse some words and way of speech which may enable me to say somewhat of this Fourth Water for I well discerne that I haue need enough of his Fauour heerin euen yet more then I had in that of the last because in that the Soule doth find her selfe not to be wholy dead and so we may very well say that she is not dead because she remaines still in the world but still as I affirmed she hath sufficient vnderstanding to know that she is still heer and that she findes the Solitude wherein she is serues her self to some proportion of the exteriour at least so farre as by outward signes to giue that which she feeles to be vnderstood In all that kind of Prayer and in the manner also of it which hath been described the Gardner labours to some proportion though yet in the Prayer of these latter kindes his labour goes accompanied with so much ioy and such a happie kind of ease as that for his part he findes no trouble at all in it for he considers it not as Trouble but as Glorie and he would be glad that it might neuer end But in this Fourth Degree or kind of Prayer there is no suffering left at all but only enioying though yet without anie distinct particular vnderstanding of what is enioyed He knowes well enough that a certaine Good is enioyed wherein all good things are contained and shut-vp but yet this Good is not totally comprehended by him All the Senses are taken vp vpon the finding and feeling of this ioy in such sort as no one of them is so dis-employed as that it can possibly attend to anie thing els either in the exteriour or interiour way Before a certaine leaue or libertie was giuen to these Powers that they might be able to make some kind of demonstration of the great ioy they felt but heer the Soule enioyes much more beyond comparison and can giue her self also to be vnderstood much lesse Because there is no meanes left in the Bodie nor yet hath the Soule anie at all wherewith to communicate that ioy but all things would then be disturbance and euen torment to her yea and distraction from the entirenes of her sweet repose I say the Soule is no way able to communicate the ioy she hath if indeed there be an absolute and entire Vnion of all the three Powers togeather for as long as that Vnion lasts and that also if she be able to communicate it I say there is no absolute Vnion In what manner this thing happens which they call Vnion and what the thing also is I am not able to giue to be vnderstood It is declared in that which they call Mysticall Theologie but as for me I am not able so much as to name euen the tearmes Nor doe I know what that is which is called Minde nor the difference between Minde and Soule nor what also is Spirit for to me all these seuerall things seem to be but one though yet the Soule now and then spring-vp euen out of her self as if it were a kind of fire which is burning vp in a flame and sometimes this fire encreases with a kind of impetuositie Now this flame rises very much higher then doth the fire but yet still notwithstanding all that it is no distinct thing from the verie fire but it is the flame it self which still is in the fire Your Reuerence will vnderstand this matter by your learning but as for me I know not how to declare it better For my part the thing which I pretend to declare is what the Soule finds and feeles when it is in this Diuine Vnion for as for the knowing what an Vnion in generall is it is euerie where vnderstood well enough to be when two seuerall things become one O my deare Lord and how good art thou Blessed be thou for euer and let all things praise thee O my God who hast been pleased to loue vs in such sort as that we may be able to speake with truth of this kind of communication which thou vouchsafest to hold with Soules euen in this bannishment of ours which although they were neuer so holie and good yet this latitude of liberalitie and magnificence of thine were great in proceeding with them after this manner But in fine it is all thine owne Maiestie and Greatnes who giuest after the rate of what thou art O infinit latitude of Bountie and how magnificent are thy workes They are able euen to amaze anie such person as hath not his Vnderstanding wholy employed vpon the things of this world and who hath left himself no roome both for the knowing and considering such things as are reall truths But now that thou shouldst be pleased to fasten such Soueraine Fauours vpon Soules which haue offended thee so much doth really euen make an end of my verie Vnderstanding and when once I come to consider of this proceeding of thine I am euen vnable to passe on anie further But indeed how can anie Creature goe anie whither in this case which shall not be a meer comeing back againe since no Soule can euer know how to giue thee anie tolerable thankes for so incomparable Fauours As for me I help my self sometimes with speaking certaine impertinencies which haue neither head nor foot and it often happens to me both when I come from receauing these Fauours and when also our Lord is beginning to impart them for as for the verie time when I am enioying them I
to this miserable and wretched Creature as it is likelie that there are manie if they shall be pleased to treat of these things with me as conceauing that I am mistaken and out of the way our Lord will so assist this poore Seruant of his as that she may be able to goe forward to vphold this truth But now to speake of this last Water which comes from Heauen to satisfye and euen fulfill the whole Garden by the abundance therof if our Lord did neuer forbeare to giue it whensoeuer there were need it is euident enough already of what case it would be to the Gardner and that there would neuer be anie Winter but alwaies most temperate weather nor would there euer be anie want either of Fruits or Flowers and so it may be easily seen in what delight he would remaine But as long as we liue in this world this condition is a kind of impossible thing and we must alwaies be in care that whensoeuer we shall want one of the Waters we may procure another This last which falls from Heauen comes downe sometimes euen when the Gardner thinkes of it least True it is that these things are almost euer wont to happen after a long exercise of Mentall Prayer For our Lord vses to come by degrees to catch this poore little Bird and to lodge it then safely in the Nest to the end that it may rest and repose And after it had put it self long vpon Flights procuring by the exercise of the Vnderstanding and Will and in fine by all the Powers it had to goe in search of Almightie God and to please him he vouchsafes to allow it a reward euen in this life yea and this so very great a reward that anie one little moment therof may well suffice as a full satisfaction and retribution for all that care and trouble which he could euer haue endured in this world The Soule being thus in search of Almightie God doth find her self as it were euen sinke vnder a sweet and most excessiue delight as being all in a certaine way of deare faynting so that the breath is euen beginning to faile and so also doth all corporall strength in such sort as that the Creature is now not able so much as to moue her hands but with much paine The eyes are also closed though without anie purpose to shut them and when by accident they chance to be open she in effect sees nothing distinctly nor if she reade can she so much as iudge rightly of anie letter nor can she euen guesse how to name it right She sees that indeed there are letters but the Vnderstanding not giuing her anie assistance she knowes not how to reade though she would She heares but yet vnderstands not what she heares so that she receaues no other benefit at all by her Senses but only that they will not permit her to take the full fruition of her delight and so vpon the matter they doe her more hurt then good As for speaking it is a vanitie so much as to thinke of anie such thing for she cannot possibly hitt right so much as in framing anie one word nor if she were able to iudge it were she yet possibly able to pronounce it in regard that all the strength of her Bodie is absolutly lost for the greater encrease of that of her Soule that so she may the better enioy her glorie The exteriour delight also which she feeles is both great and very certaine This Prayer puts the person to no manner of inconuenience in anie kinde how long soeuer it may last at least it neuer put me to anie nor am I able to remember when our Lord did me this Fauour how sick or weake soeuer I were that I euer found my self the worse but rather with much improuement euen in the way of health But indeed what hurt can euer be done to anie Creature by so great a blessing as this It is so knowne a truth concerning the exteriour operations that there can no doubt be made but that there were natually great occasions for their alteration since our Lord tooke all their strength from them though yet it were with so great delight that the same grew afterward to be greater It is true that in the beginning this state and feeling is wont to passe away in very short time at least it hapned so to me But as for these exteriour signes as also in this failing of operation in the Senses it is not so easily to be giuen to be vnderstood when things passe away in short time but yet they are discerned with ease by the excesse of the Fauours For the clearnes and heat of the Sunne must needs haue been then very great when all that which came in the way was so absolutly melted and dissolued Let this also be well noted that in my opinion how long soeuer that space of time might seem to be wherein all the Powers of the Soule were in suspense it must needs haue been indeed very short and if it should ariue to half an hower it were very much For my part I thinke I was neuer so long True it is that one can hardly iudge how long they are since the Parties are depriued of outward sense but I say that it must needs be a very short time wherein no one of the Powers can be able to returne againe to it self But now the Will is indeed the onlie Power which maintaines the Worke for as for the other two they quickly become importunate vpon her Yet the Will remaining quiet and fixed suspends them yet againe and so they stay another little while and afterward returne to liue as before In this manner some whole howers of Prayer may be passed yea and sometimes they are passed so For when the two Powers of the Soule haue tasted of that Celestiall wine and beginne to be inebriated with it they easily are induced to loose themselues once againe so to get still the more by the bargaine and so they goe to accompanie the Will and all three come to be in the act of enioying But this point of being totally lost and so without framing anie Imagination at all which Power in my way of vnderstanding is also wholy lost I say lasts but a very little time though yet they come not alwaies so wholy to themselues vpon a suddaine but that they may remaine euen some howers as in a kind of being still a little out of the way and in disorder Almightie God vouchsafing to recollect them againe to himself by little and little And now let vs come to the interiour of that which the Soule is wont to feele at these times and let them declare it who know how since it cannot be well vnderstood and much lesse expressed I was thinking when I disposed my self to write this as soone as I had receaued the B. Sacrament and after the end of this verie kinde of Prayer which now I write of what the
by those beames you will find it to be all full of moates This Comparison is very literally true for before the Soule is in this Extasis she conceiues her self to haue been very carefull not to offend Almightie God that she performed it according to the vttermost of her power but yet being come once so farre as that this Sunne of Iustice shines vpon her which makes her open her eyes she then sees so many moates therin that she would be glad if she could tell how to shut them againe for she is not yet become so true an Eaglet of this swift and strong Eagle which bred her as that she can be able to looke earnestly vpon this Sunne But how little soeuer she chance to hold them open she sees her self all impure and calls that Verse to minde which saith VVho shall euer be iust in thy presence When once she beholds this Diuine Sunne her sight is dazled by the brightnes of it but when she lookes in vpon her self her eyes are stopped vp with clay and so this poore Doue is blind yea and it happens manie times that she also remaines blind for good and all as being absorpt amazed and as it were out of her witts with so manie mightie greatnesses as she is then growne to see Heer finally is true Humilitie acquired not careing anie way at all either to speake well of her self or yet that others should doe it And our Lord deuides and disposes of the Fruit of this Garden not she and so there sticks nothing of it to her fingars All the good which she hath goes on as still addressed to Almightie God and if she be drawne to say anie thing of her self it is also directed to his glorie for she knowes that she hath no interest therin and cannot be ignorant therof euen though she would as discerning it by the verie sight of her eyes which are shut towards the things of this world but which are still kept open for the vnderstanding of Truths almost whether she will or no. THE ONE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes and finishes this last Degree of Prayer She declares vvhat the Soule finds therein vvhen she returnes to liue againe in the vvorld and the Light also vvhich our Lord giues concerning the deceipts and errours of the same vvorld This Chapter deliuers excellent Doctrine I Will therefore now finish that which I was saying That namely there is heer no more now anie need that the Soule should giue anie new consent since already she hath giuen it all and knowes that she hath voluntarily deliuered her self wholy vp into his hands and that she cannot deceiue him who is the knower of all things for it is not as things passe heer in this world where all this life of ours is full of nothing but duplicities and deceipts and when you thinke you haue fully gotten the good will of anie Creature by the shew he makes you quickly come to vnderstand that all is tricks and lyes and that no bodie can tell how to liue in a world of so much odd busines especially if there be anie little interest of the Parties But blessed is that Soule which our Lord comes once to draw to the knowledge of such things as are reall Truths O what a condition and fortune were this for Kings and how much would it import them more to gaine this great aduantage then to get large Dominions and States What rectitude would there be foūd in the Kingdome How manie mischiefs would haue been forborne already would also be forborne heerafter For heer there is no feare of loosing life or honour for the loue of Almightie God but rather such losses as these would goe for a great blessing amōgst such as find thēfelues carrie another māner of respect to the honour of our Lord then to all them to whome they are lesse obliged For Kings are the men whome those others follow and in this case these Kings would loose a thousand Kingdomes and they would haue great reason to be glad to doe so rather thē to loose the meanes of making one stepp further towards the augmentation of the Holie Catholick Faith or the procuting some light for Hereticks for it is another manner of busines to purchase and get such a kind of Kingdome as will neuer end And what Soule soeuer shall come to tast but one single dropp of this water all the rest of this whole world will be but fitt euen to turne the stomack But now if the Soule of such a person should fall out to be once ingulfed into this water what strange effects would it produce Deare Lord if thou shouldst draw me to such a condition as that I might be able to publish this truth with a lowd voice they would yet beleiue mee no more then they doe others who know how to publish the same after a much better manner But yet at least I should giue satisfaction to my self and me thinkes I should esteem euen my verie life but at a little rate vpon condition that I might be able to giue but some one of these single Truths to be well vnderstood And yet I know not what I should be able to doe with my self afterward for there is no trust at all to be had in me I being that miserable creature which I am Yet still I haue so great impulses to vtter and declare these things to such as be in authoritie and command that me thinkes they doe euen annihilate and consume me And yet now since I can doe no more I returne O my Lord towards thee to seeke remedie for all inconueniences for thou O my Lord knowest well how highly glad I would be to dispossesse my self euen of all these verie Fauours which of thy goodnes thou hast vouchsafed to doe me prouided alwayes that I might still remaine in condition neuer to offend thee more and to resigne them vp to Kings and Princes for then it is very certaine that it would be wholy impossible for them either to permit that those things should be done which are permitted or yet that they should faile to receiue extraordinarie blessings at thy hand O make them my God vnderstand to how much they are obliged since thou wert pleased by what I haue heard to honour them in such sort vpon earth as that when thou takest anie of them away there is some kind of signification therof euen in the Heauens And when I thinke of this it breeds a kind of deuotion in me that thou O my King maist be pleased to make them euen heerby vnderstand that they ought to imitate thee in their life since there grow in some sort to be certaine apparances and signes in Heauen at their death as there was when euen thy self camest to dye I see well that I am presuming very farre but I beseech your Reuerence teare it if you mislike it and beleiue that I would be glad to speake it better if I were present
of my Soule and my Good thou Christ our Lord who wert Crucifyed I neuer call to minde the opinion which I entertained in this case but I am afflicted by it For I conceaue my self to haue committed a huge Treason therin against thee though yet my ignorance may peraduenture haue been some excuse I hauing been so particularly deuoted to the person of Christ our Lord throughout the whole course of my life for this other proceeding of mine occurred in the verie latter part therof I say in the verie latter part immediatly before our Blessed Lord vouchsafed me those Fauours of Rapts and Visions I continued a very little while in this opinion and so I euer came quickly back to delight my self with this deare Lord of mine and especially when I receiued the Blessed Sacrament I euer desired to haue some Picture of him in mine eye since I was not able to carrie him so deeply engrauen or stamped vpon my Soule as I could haue wished But is it possible O my deare Lord that euer anie such thought as this should be able to get in to my hart euen for one single hower as that thou wert to haue been able to hinder my obtaining my greatest Good Alas from whence came all the Benedictions and benefits which euer I receiued but only from thee But I will not so much as thinke that really I was faultie heerin but rather I am to pittie my self for that which certainly proceeded from ignorance in me And so thou didst vouchsafe through thy goodnes to redresse and assist me by helping me to one afterward who might deliuer me out of this errour and besides also by making me able to see thee so often as I shall declare heerafter that so I might the more clearly vnderstand how great that ignorance of mine was and finally to the end that I might publish the same to manie as I haue done already and that now I might also record it heer For my part I conceiue that the reason why manie Soules get not forward in the way of Profit and why they reach not to obtaine some very great libertie of Spirit when they ariue to vse Prayer of Vnion is this verie thing And I conceiue that there are two reasons vpon which I may well ground this opinion and though perhaps that be of no moment which I am going to vtter yet I will not forbeare to doe it because I haue found by experience that it went very ill with my Soule till it pleased our Blessed Lord to giue me light For all those Ioyes which she tooke came to me but by supps and gulps and when once I was past the present occasion I found not my self to haue such companie and strength for the enduring of tribulations and temptations as yet I mett with afterward But one of these reasons why men get not forward is that there may peraduenture goe a dramme of some certaine little want of Humilitie which lyes hidden and plaistered ouer in such sort that euen the person who is so faultie may perhaps not so very easily find it And who now will euer be so proud and wretched as I yea and that when he should haue laboured throughout the whole course of his life and made as manie Prayers and suffered as manie Pennances and endured as manie Persecutions as might be imagined would not yet find himself rich enough and abundantly rewarded and payd for them all when our Lord should giue him leaue to remaine at the foot of the Crosse with S. Iohn Nay I know not into what braine it would sinke but mine not to be content with such a felicitie as this who was euer a looser so manie wayes in all those things whereby I ought to haue been a gainer But now though our miserable fraile condition or els perhaps our sicknes should not permit vs to be alwayes reflecting vpon the Passion of our Blessed Lord yet at least what should hinder vs from remaining with him now that he is risen againe to Glorie since we haue him so neare vs in the Blessed Sacrament of the Aultar where we see him glorifyed now Nor need we behold him there so distressed and so afflicted so torne in peices so ouerflowing with bloud so wearied in those rugged High-Wayes so persecuted by those whome he benefited so highly and the while not so much as to be beleiued in by his verie Apostles For it is most certainly true that one hath not alwaies the hart to be euen able to reflect vpon so excessiue afflictions as he felt But now heer we haue him without paine and full of glorie giuing strength of bodie to some and courage of minde to others before he ascended vp to Heauen He makes himself euen our Companion in the Blessed Sacrament yea and seemes as if it had not been in his power to depart anie one moment from vs and that now it should yet haue been in mine to part from thee O my Lord yea and this that I might serue thee so much the better Let it passe my deare Lord if it please thee that when I sinned against thee I did not know thee but that now when I come to know thee I should fancie a meanes to my self of growing a greater gainer by this way O what an ill way was that and now I find that indeed I had vtterly lost my way if thou O Lord hadst not restored me to it for in seing that thou art neer me I haue seen that I haue all good things with thee Nor doe I euer meet with anie afflictiō or trouble but as soone as I consider in what kind of miserable posture thou wert carried and placed before those Iudges it growes instantly to be very easily borne With the presence of so deare a Freind and vnder the conduct of so good a Captaine as was pleased to put himself in the foremost ranke that so he might suffer most and first there is nothing which may not well be endured He assists and giues strength and courage yea and neuer failes He is a very fast and true Freind and I see clearly and I haue seen it yet againe that to the end we may be able to content Almightie God and that he may powre great Fauours downe vpon vs he is pleased that all should passe by the hands of this most Sacred Humanitie in which his Diuine Maiestie hath declared that he was much delighted I haue seen this truth by experience very very manie times besides that our Lord himself hath told me so I haue also clearly seen that we are to enter in by this gate if we desire that his Soueraigne Maiestie should communicate great secrets to our Soules So that Sir I wish your Reuerence not to put your self vpon anie other way then this though you should be euen vpon the verie highest topp of Contemplation for heer you shall find your self safe since this Lord of ours is he by whose meanes we are to receiue all
doe it himself as indeed he did nor yet could I euer imagine that it would proue to take effect with me as yet it fell out to doe because already I had vsed some endeauours that way and the affliction which I receiued by it was so great that I resolued to giue ouer the attempt as being a thing which I held not to be inconuenient to continue But now heer our Blessed Lord imparted both libertie and strength to me to put it in execution I told this verie thing to my Ghostlie Father and I gaue ouer that freindship according to what I had been commanded And it did them no little good with whome I had been wont to conuerse to see this resolution growne in me Almightie God be euer blessed and praised who gaue me that libertie and power in one moment which I had not been able to purchase and obtaine of my self by the multitude of those great diligences which I had vsed manie yeares in order to this end though yet I had employed my self so earnestly vpon this attempt that it had cost me a good part of my health But now this hauing been wrought and granted by him who is the Omnipotent and true Lord of all Creatures it put me not euen to the least paine or trouble at all THE FIVE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER She treats heer of the vvay and manner of vnderstanding those vvords or speeches vvhich Almightie God is pleased to vtter to the Soule though yet vvithout hearing anie voice or sound and of some errours or abuses vvhich may happen heerin and hovv the right may be knovvne from the vvrong It is of much vse and profit for such as see themselues in this Degree of Prayer for it is declared very vvell and the Doctrine containes great instruction ME thinkes it should doe well to declare what kind of thing this Speech is which our Lord expresses to the Soule and what she also feeles to the end that your Reuerence may vnderstand it for from this verie time when our Lord did me this Fauour as I haue sayd the same thing is very vsuall with me euen till this verie present as I shall let you see by that which followes I say therefore that they are certaine Words very distinctly formed and that howsoeuer they be not heard with our eares of flesh and bloud yet are they vnderstood much more expresly and clearly then if they were so heard And to seeke to forbeare to vnderstand them yea and to resist the vnderstanding them how much soeuer it may be is a vanitie and a most impossible thing When in this world we haue a minde not to heare we may stopp our eares or els attend to other things if we will in such sort as that although peraduenture we may heare the words yet we shall not in that case vnderstand them But now in this discourse which Almightie God makes to the Soule there is no remedie at all but they make me harken to them whether I will or no they oblige the VnderstaÌ„ding to be very entire attentiue for the coÌ„prehending thereof For he who is able to doe all things is resolued that we shall vnderstand him and that which he resolues must be done and so he comes to be knowne to be the true Lord of vs all I haue very well experimented this truth for the resistance which I made him did last vpon the point of two yeares through the great feare wherein I was yea and euen now I make those tryalls sometimes but it serues me to little purpose I would faine declare the errours and abuses which may heer occurr though for a man who hath much experience me thinkes there should be few or none But indeed the sayd experience would be great as namely to know the difference when the Spirit is good and when it is ill and when perhaps the thing may also be but an apprehension of the verie Vnderstanding it self which may occurr or when the verie Spirit it self may speake to the verie self-same Spirit and I know not very well whether this may happen or no though euen this verie day I had a kind of opinion that it might When these Words are indeed of Almightie God I haue found the truth thereof in manie things which were told me two or three yeares before and they all fell out to proue true and till now not anie one of them failed There are also other things whereby it growes to proue very plaine that the Spirit is of God as I will declare afterward To me it seemes that a person recommending a thing to Almightie God with great earnestnes and apprehension may grow to make himself conceiue that he comes to vnderstand in some sort whether the thing shall be done or no and this I say is very possible but he who vnderstands things after this other manner will clearly discouer what it may be so great a difference there is between the two And if indeed it be a thing which the Vnderstanding deuises and makes how subtily and how delicately soeuer the matter goe he vnderstands that there is some part of himself in that which is ordained and sayd For it is no other thing then for a man to set a Discourse on foot or to harken to what another man sayes for then the Vnderstanding findes that it doth not harken then because it workes and the words which it goes framing in that case are as it were fantasticall and mute and confused and are not deliuered with that clearnes which those others haue And now heer it is in our owne power to diuert our selues or els to hold our peace when we speake but in this other case we haue no such power at all Another signe there is which is of more importance then all the rest for these things which are sayd by our selues haue no manner of operation and worke no effect at all But the other when our Lord is pleased to speake is not only of words but workes and though they be not words of deuotion but of reprehension they instantly dispose the Soule and they enable her and make her relent and they giue light and regale her and appease her And if she were in state of drynes and commotion and disorder these Words take all away as if it were with the hand yea and yet much better then so for it seemes that our Lord's busines is then to shew his mightie power and that his Words are deeds Me thinkes there is such a difference as there is between our speaking or hearing neither more â—orlesse For that which I speake I goe ordering as I was saying with my Vnderstanding but if another speake to me I doe no more then heare without anie trouble at all to my self One of these kindes of VVords is like some thing whereof we cannot well determine whether it be not as of a man who is half asleepe But this other is found to come from a voice so
the Rectour of the Societie of IESVS whome I mentioned before I haue seen some things concerning great Fauours which our Lord did him but I will not insert them heer for feare of being too long There hapned a great trouble to him once for he was persecuted and found himself greatly afflicted and I hearing Masse one day saw Christ our Lord vpon the Crosse iust then when the Preist eleuated the Sacred Hoast and he spoke certaine words to me wherewith I was to acquaint him for his comfort and others also he spoke by way of preuention of some future inconuenience which might ariue and he represented also to him how much himself had suffered for his sake and that therefore he should prepare himself to suffer And this gaue him both much comfort and much courage and all hapned to him iust so as our Blessed Lord had foretold Of the Religious of a certaine Order yea and of that whole Order togeather I haue seen great things For I haue seen them sometimes in Heauen with white Banners in their hands I haue seen as I was saying other things of great admiration And accordingly I haue this Order in much veneration for I haue treated and communicated with them much and I see that their life is agreable to that which our Blessed Lord hath giuen me to vnderstand concerning them I being one night in Prayer our Lord beganne to vtter some words to me which brought me to remember how wicked my life had been and they gaue me confusion and paine enough for although they imported not anie rigour yet they endued me with such a tender kind of feeling and greif that the Soule was euen dissolued by it And we vse in such cases to find more benefit in the way of knowing out selues by some one such word as these then we are able to acquire in manie dayes by our owne consideration of our miserie for it brings such a truth to be euē ingrauē in our Soule as we cannot possibly denye He represented to me also those inclinations of mine which I had formerly entertained towards Creatures with so much vanitie and told me that I was to put a great value vpon the desire which he had that I would lodge all my affectiō vpon him which formerly I had employed so ill since he would accept thereof At other times he bad me remember that formerly I had sometimes esteemed it for a point of honour in me to goe against his Honour And yet at other times that I should remember how much I owed him for that I vsed to commit the greatest offences against him whilst he vsed to be doing me Fauours If I haue anie faults which are not few our Lord giues them so to be vnderstood by me at those times that it makes me euen as it were annihilate my self and because I haue manie faults he vses me so manie times It hapned to me once that a Ghostile Father reprehended me and when I thought to comfort my self in Prayer it was there that I found indeed my true reprehension But now to returne to that which I was saying when our Lord beganne to bring my wicked life to my remembrance which cost me a world of teares and when I also considered that I had done no good thing lately which might euen in my opinion deserue his Fauour I beganne to consider a while whether he might not perhaps intend some new expression of goodnes to me because whensoeuer I find my self receaue anie particular Fauour from our Lord it is ordinarily after I haue euen defeated and annihilated my self And I conceaue that our Lord proceeds thus with me to the end that I may see the more clearly how farre I am out of the way of deserueing his Fauours Shortly after this my Spirit was so absorpt and snatcht away that in effect it seemed to be absolutly out of my Bodie at least it was not vnderstood that it liued in it And then I saw the most Sacred Humanitie of our Blessed Lord in much more excessiue glorie then euer I had discerned before Now this was represented to me by a certaine admirable and cleare notice of his being placed in the verie bosome of his Father Nor yet doe I know what to say of how this was for it seemed to me that I saw my self present before that verie Diuinitie and yet without seing my self and I remained so amazed and euerie way indeed in such sort that I thinke there passed some dayes before I was able to returne to my self For still I was conceauing that I had the Maiestie of the Sonne of God present with me though it were not yet like the former for this I vnderstood well enough But how soeuer it remained so engrauen in my Imagination that I cannot be ridd of it how short soeuer the time were wherein it was represented to me and this is matter both of great comfort and of great benefit to my Soule Now I haue seen this verie Vision at three other times and this in my opinion is absolutly the most sublime Vision which euer our Blessed Lord gaue me and it brings the greatest improuement and profit with it For it seemes that the Soule is greatly purifyed by it and that it doth vtterly take away all strength from the sensualitie of our Self-Loue It is a vehement flame which seems to burne vp and euen annihilate all the desires of this life And since God be blessed for it I had already no inclination to idle and impertinent things it was heer declared to me in distinct manner that all was vanitie and in particular how vaine all the Superiorities and Signories of this world be And it falls out also to be of mightie instruction for the raising-vp of our desires to be lodged vpon the puritie of Truth and there remaines a high kind of adoration and reuerence of God imprinted after a certaine manner which I know not how to describe but it is of a very different kind from whatsoeuer we can acquire in this world It creates also a huge amazement in the Soule to consider how she euer durst or how anie creature can presume so farre as to thinke of offending such a Supreame Maiestie of Almighty God I haue declared sometimes heertofore the effects of Visions and such other things but I haue also sayd already that a Soule receaues more or lesse profit according to the proportion and manner of the Vision as the same may be either more or lesse But in this it was extraordinarily great when I came to receaue the Blessed Sacrament and I did then record to my self that incomparable Maiestie which I had seen and vnderstood to be the verie same which is in this most Holie Sacrament And manie times our Lord is pleased to let me see him in the Sacred Hoast where vpon the verie haire of my head would stand on end and me thought I was euen annihilated outtight O my deare Lord and if thou didst
there And now by meanes of this consideration my Soule beganne to be so much more inflamed that my Spirit grew to be in Rapt and so as that I know not how to expresse it For me thought I was put and plunged into that Maiestie which I had formerly vnderstood but yet so as that I know not how to declare it In this Maiestie a certaine Truth was giuen me to be vnderstood which indeed is the accomplishment of all Truth but yet still I know not how to relate it For I saw nothing at all distinctly but they told me these words though yet I saw not who spake them only I knew that it was the verie Truth This vvhich I doe for thee is no small matter but rather it is a thing for vvhich thou ovvest me much because one of the mischeifs vvhich grovves to the vvorld proceeds from not knovving the Truths of Scripture vvith cleare truth but one tittle thereof shall not faile Now as for me I conceaued that my self had alwaies beleiued this yea and that all Catholiques had also beleiued it But then he sayd to me againe Alas my Daughter there be fevv vvho loue me according to Truth for if they did I vvould not conceale my secrets from them But dost thou knovv vvhat it is to loue me according to Truth It is to knovv that all is a Lye vvhich is not acceptable to me Thou shalt be able to see this clearly vvhich novv thou dost not vnderstand by the profit vvhich thy Soule shall get And so accordingly I haue seen it performed our Lord be euer praised for it For all things which are not addressed to the seruice of Almightie God doe of late seem to me so hugely to be vanitie and a lye that I am no way able to expresse how much I vnderstand thereof And it moues me to deep compassion to see men liue in so great obscuritie and ignorance as they are in of thy Truth but by this meanes I haue benefited my self in manie kindes whereof I will heer relate some and some I shall not be able to relate But our Lord sayd one word to me heer in particular with very great fauour though I know not also how this was For I saw nothing but I remained in such sort after it as I know not also how to declare euen that Only I am sure I remained by this meanes with a very great kind of fortitude and firme purpose of accomplishing euen the least part of Holie Scripture with the vttermost of all my power And nothing me thinkes could offer it self to me through which I would not passe for the making this good There remained also a truth of this Diuine Truth which was now represented to me though yet still I know not how so deeply engrauen in my hart that it made me carrie a new kind of profound reuerence to Almightie God For it imparts a notice of his high Maiestie and great Power after such a manner as cannot be described but I can only vnderstand that it is a mightie kind of thing I now remained also with a very great desire neuer to speake at all but of things which were substantially true and which might iustly take precedence of all that which vses to be treated of in this world And so I then began to find it paine enough euen to liue in it This Vision left me with a Regalo of great tendernes and with humilitie also It seemed to me that our Blessed Lord did giue me to vnderstand much in this vision though yet without my vnderstanding the manner of it but at least I was satisfyed well enough that it was no Illusion I saw nothing but yet I vnderstood the great benefit which there is in not making account of anie thing which brings vs not neerer to Almightie God and so I came to vnderstand what kind of thing it is for a Soule to walke in Truth in the presence of the same Truth That which I vnderstood is that our Lord gaue me to vnderstand That he is verie Truth it self And all these things at which I haue now pointed heer I vnderstood sometimes by their being spoken to me and at other times without speech but yet some of this latter sort with more clearnes then those others which were imparted to me by words I vnderstood very great truths of this Truth and better then if manie learned men had taught me and at least it seemes to me that they could by no meanes haue so imprinted them in my minde nor so clearly haue giuen me to vnderstand the vanitie of this world This Truth which I say was giuen me to be vnderstood is verie Truth in it self and it is both without beginning and without end and all other Truths depend vpon this Truth and all other Loues vpon this Loue and all other Greatnesses vpon this Greatnes though yet all this be deliuered by me with much obscuritie in comparison of that clearnes wherewith our Blessed Lord was pleased to impart it And how very well doth this become the great power of that Maiestie to leaue such things as these imprinted vpon the Soule whereby such aduantages are obtained and that in so short a time O Greatnes and Maiestie of my Omnipotent Lord What is it which thou art doing Consider who it is to whome thou art vouchsafing such Soueraigne Fauours Dost thou not remember how this Soule hath been a verie Abysse of Lyes and euen a deep Sea of vanities and all this through faults of mine owne For notwithstanding that thou gauest me an inclination which naturally did abhorre lying yet I made my self apt to treat in manie things after a deceiptfull kind of manner How art thou able O my God euen to endure me and how can so great goodnes of thine be shewed to one who hath so ill deserued it and how can so much Sinne against thee be compatible with such Fauours as these Being once reciting the Howers of the Diuine Office with all the rest of the Religious my Soule beganne to be suddainly recollected and it seemed to me that it was like some cleare and pure Looking-Glasse without hauing anie thing either on the back or on the sides or yet either aboue or below which was not all extreamly cleare And in the very Center thereof Christ our Lord was represented to me iust so as I am accustomed to see him It seemed to me that I saw him clearly in all the parts and portions of my Soule as in a Looking-Glasse and so also though I know not how our Blessed Lord himself was engrauen therein with such a certaine kind of enamoured communion or communication of himself as I cannot possibly expresse Only I know that this Vision hath been of very great benefit to me and is so whensoeuer I remember it and especially after I receaue the B. Sacrament But it was giuen me heerby to vnderstand that the being of a Soule in Mortall Sinne is to make this Glasse be couered
Hovv manie yeares she had continued in that dangerous state And in fine hovv she conceiued that her proper place and particular torments vvere prepared for her in Hell it self for the euerlasting punishmēt of her Sinnes which she faith she felt in Spirit Whereas yet in realitie and sinceritie of truth it may be cleer enough to such as vvill vnpartiallie consider vvhat they are to iudge and not looke through the mist or clovvde of that too great insatisfaction and seueritie vvhich she vvould be sure to carrie tovvards her self that she vvas alvvaies farre from committing anie Mortall Sinne in all the course of her Life Now the difference in point of Iudgement betvveen our Saint and others may well seem to haue proceeded from this occasion vvhich follovves They looked vpon her vvhole life vvith the eyes of a Religious kind of reason And she vvith those euen of a kind of inordinate passion as a man may say of deuotion They looked vpon her as men vvho being informed euen by her self of the Case are most fitt through their indifferēcie to be the Iudge Whereas she looked vpon her self as a meer Partie vvho must not in her ovvne Case be trusted by anie meanes so vvell as her Iudge especially vvhen that Iudge knovves all things as vvell as her self since she declares them to him Besides that she expresses cleerly hovv diuerse vvho vvere her Ghostlie Fathers at the times of her greatest imperfection declared to her in very positiue tearmes that she vvas farre from commiting Mortall Sinne. And note that they passed such a Iudgement vpon her at times vvhen her self professes that she Confessed all her Sinnes so entirely as not to omitt so much as euen all those Veniall Sinnes vpon vvhich she could reflect So that clearly by the verie vvorst of her case if anie such thing as she had euer done vvere doubtfull if her Ghostlie Fathers assured her then that it vvas not Mortall as indeed they did what reason could she haue to be so very highly and irreconciliably vnsatisfyed vvith her self But the truth is she pearced so deeply by meanes of Celestiall grace into that endlesse spotlesse Mine of the Puritie of Almightie God and the vnlimited Excellentie of his High Maiestie and the vnspeakable deformitie of the least Imperfection or frailtie when once it should be brought to appeare before that incomparable Claritie of the King of Glorie And on the other side she vvas endued vvith such a strange internall kind of knovvledge of her self that it made as I vvas saying before those Moates of her Imperfections seem Mountaines vvhen once they vvere to appeare as in God's presence She vvas also of so very sensible a nature vvhich I must needs touch againe aftervvard and so easily obliged and so inseparably engaged vpon the receauing euen of poore vveake little seruices from mortall Creatures much more vvhen Celestiall Fauours distilled dovvne so very fast tovvards her from that neuer-failing Fountaine of Diuine Mercies that for her to find her self anie vvay vngratefull yea or so much as euen vnmindfull thereof and yet much more if she should proue so inhumanly vnkind as in stead of paying seruices to commit faults hovv light soeuer they might be such errours vvould seem in those eyes of hers vvhich still vvere fed from that inflamed hart to be really not very much lesse then almost as so manie halfe Sinnes against the Holie-Ghost And from this composition of her Minde both in the Naturall and Supernaturall vvay did grovv those profound detestations of her self those high exaggerations of her Imperfections and Frailties those lovvde exclamations against her supposed ingratitudes and vnkindnesses tovvards Almightie God vvhich broke as it vvere euen her ovvne verie hart vvhilst she vvas thinking and deliuered ouer such feeling arguments of her sad remorse vvhilst she vvas vvriting as are able to strike the vvater of teares out of the stonie harts of her Readers like the Rod of Moyses vvhich droue vvater out of the Rock vvhen once they lend their sight though neuer so little to behold that svveet Obiect of her enamoured thoughts and expostulations against her selfe From hence it is I say that she accused her self after a kind of obstinate manner vvhensoeuer she reflected vpon God her self in order to his Bounties on the one side her discorrespondences on the other Whilst yet vvhen her thoughts vvere bent but to expresse the plaine order of things after a manner meerly abstracted from those superiour Considerations she deliuers such truths concerning her self as makes all these imputations vvhich fell so fiercely vpon her Soule out of her ovvne mouth appeare to be farre different from that vvhich she would desire that they might be thought And so in conformitie vvith this you my Reader shall doe vvell to consider in serious manner how she vvho spoke after a sort erroneously vvhen she vvould partially iudge of her actions in order to the spotlesse Puritie of Almightie God and his strict Iudgement did yet vnfold her self most litterally truly vvhen she expressed her self Viâ facti and related her affections and actions as it were in the Historicall way Obserue therefore hovv in this vvay she saith of her self That she vvas euer very carefull not to commit anie Mortall Sinne That she had great care of her Conscience still forasmuch as cōcerned anie thing of that kind and that if euer she would be so vnhappie as to commit anie such sinne that she should neuer be in quiet till she vvas disburthened of it That she seldome receaued the B. Sacrament but vvith abundance of teares That after she had once tasted of the Regalo's of that Celestiall Banquet vvhich she beganne to doe vvhen she vvas young she neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing vvhich she might conceaue to be a Sinne though it vvere but Venial That she had euer great remorse whensoeuer she committed anie offence against Almightie God That she did naturally detest all dishonestie and that she conceaued not that there was either anie occasion or anie person in the whole vvorld vvho could possibly ouercome that resolution in her That difficulties grew after-vvard vpon her by occasion of some Conuersations vvhich she had vvhereof yet she Confessing her self by way of doubt as I haue insinuated before her Ghostlie Father made her know that she did not offend God therein For the truth of the case vvas this She vvas then a Secular vvoeman and the inclinations vvhich she had to the person vvere capable of being concluded in a Marriage besides that really on her part there vvas neuer so much as one impure thought That another Spirituall man vvith vvhome she also consulted shortly after about matter of her Soule by occasion of some feares into vvhich she grevv then to fall declared to her that though she vvere in the state of neuer so high Contemplation yet such conferences and conuersations as those vvere not to be inconuenient for her That she also vnderstood by
my Parents but by the way of Vertue My Father was a man of much charitie towards poore people and of compassion towards the sick yea and he had so much pittie euen of his seruants that he could neuer resolue to keepe anie slaues for the tendernes which he had towards them And there being once a slaue in his house who belonged to a Brother of his he caused him to be treated and fed as if he had been one of his owne Children and sayd through his great compassion that he could not endure to see such as he was vnless they might be made free He was a man of much truth nor did euer anie creature heare him either detract or sweare He was exeedingly honest and chast My Mother also was enriched with manie Vertues and she passed through this life of hers with grieuous sicknesses Her chastitie and puritie was great in the verie highest degree and though she had an abundance of Beautie yet was it neuer so much as heard that she gaue occasion for the world to conceaue that she made anie account of it at all For comming afterwards to dye when she was but three and thirtie yeares old the order of her attire had yet been such as might haue well become a person of Age. She was of a most sweet disposition and yet vvithall of a very solid vnderstanding The afflictions vvhich she sustained in this life vvere great and she made a most Christian end when she dyed VVe vvere three Sisters and nine Brothers and all through the goodnes of Almightie God vvere like our Parents in being vertuous except myself though yet I vvas the most beloued of them all by my Father and truly till I beganne to offend Almightie God he might seeme to haue had some reason For it goes to my verie hart to remember and consider those good inclinations vvhich our Lord had giuen me and the very little I knew how to serue myself thereof My Brothers also vvere such in their proceeding and vvay of life as that they did not by anie meanes dis-assist me from seruing Almightie God One of them vvas almost of my yeares and I loued him best of them all though yet I loued them all very much as they also did me But vve tvvo ioyned much togeather in reading the Liues of Saints and when I saw the Martyrdomes through vvhich some of them had passed for the loue of our Lord me thought they had bought Heauen vvhere they vvere to see and enioy his Diuine Maiestie very good cheape And myself also desired much to dye so though not yet for the loue vvhich I found and felt my self to beare him but rather that I might come by so compendious a vvay to enioy those great felicities which I had read to be imparted in Heauen I associated my self therefore to this Brother of mine to consider vvhat meanes there might be for our obtaining this end And so vve grevv to resolue that vve vvould goe into Barbarie amongst the Mores and begg by the vvay as vve vvent that so vve might come by degrees to loose our liues there for our Lord. And it seemed that he gaue vs courage enough for this purpose euen in that tender age of ours if vve could haue found anie meanes to sett it on foot but our euen hauing of Parents seemed to be the greatest hindrance vve had We found our selues much amazed to perceaue in those things vvhich vve read that both the Paine and Glorie of the next life vvas to last for euer and vve chanced to speake often of this particular and vve tooke pleasure in repeating these vvords many times For euer For euer For euer and by continuing to pronounce them long and often our Lord vvas pleased to imprint the way of Truth vpon my hart in that verie infancie of mine But novv vvhen I savv it vvas impossible for me to goe where they might put me to death for the loue of our Lord my Brother and I proiected how to become Heremits at home and so in a certaine Garden vvhich belonged to the house vve procured to set vp some little Oratoryes or Chappels after the manner of Heremitages the best we could and vve assembled little stones for that purpose vvhich vvould instantly be falling downe againe and so vve met vvith no meanes to put out good desires in execution But in the meane time I am not vvithout some feeling of deuotion to consider hovv soone it pleased Almightie God to giue me this kinde of tendernes towards him vvhich aftervvards I grevv to loose through mine ovvne fault I gaue Almes as vvel as I could though it vvere but little I procured to be much alone for the better doing my deuotions vvhich vvere manie and especially that of the Rosarie to which my Mother vvas much affected and she endeauoured also to make vs so I tooke particular contentment vvhilst I vvas playing vvith other Children like myself to frame certaine little things like Monasteries as if vve had been Religious woemen and me thought I desired to be one though yet not vvith such vehemencie of affection as I did those other things vvhereof I spake I remember that vvhen my Mother dyed she left me a little less then tvvelue yeares old and as soone as I beganne to vnderstand hovv great a losse I had sustained by loosing her I vvas very much afflicted and so I vvent besore an Image of our Blessed Ladie and I humbly besought her vvith manie teares that she vvould vouchsafe to be my Mother And though I performed this little action but in a plaine and simple manner yet me thinkes I may vvel conceaue that it hath serued me to verie good purpose for I haue most euidently found the fauour of this Soueraigne Virgin concerning all things vvherein I haue recommended myself to her care and in fine she hath brought me about to her self It afflictes me to the very hart to see and consider hovv poore those impediments vvere vvhich kept me from remaining entire and constant in those good desires vvhich I beganne to haue But O my deare Lord since it seemes thou vvilt vouchsafe to saue me and I beseech thy Diuine Maiestie that it my be so and to shevv me so great fauours as thou hast donne me might it not please thee not for my interest and profit but for that high reuerence vvhich is due to thy self to take order that this house of my hart vvherein thou shouldst for euer remaine might be no more defiled Nay it goes O Lord to my verie soule euen to say thus much because I knovv and feele that the fault therof vvas vvholy mine for as for thee I finde clearly enough that there wanted nothing at all on thy part to secure me for being totally thine ovvne euen from that tender age of mine And if I vvould be content to seeke some colour to complaine of my Parents vvith as little reason also can I doe that since I could neuer discouer any thing in
giue me light by her meanes as I will now declare THE THIRD CHAPTER VVherein she treates hovv her falling into vertuous companie vvas the occasion of her returning to avvake good desires in herself And hovv our Lord beganne to giue her some light of the errour vvherein she had formerly been BVt now I beginning to take gust in the good and holie conuersation of this Religious woeman was ioyed to heare how well she was wont to speake of Almighty God for she was both very holie and very discreet Of this I conceiue confesse I did neuer at anie time giue ouer to â—â—â—â—ery glad to heare She began one day to tell nâ—â—â—â—ow she was growne to be a Religious woman by the onlie reading of that place of the Ghospell That manie are called but fevv are chosen And she spake much to me of the reward which our lord is wont to giue to such as leaue all things for the loue of him In a word this good societie of hers beganne quickly to put to flight those customes and condiuons which ill companie had brought vpon me and restored the desire of eternall blessings to my thoughts yea and to stripp me in some part of that great enmitie and opposition against becominge a Religious woemaÌ„ which formerly had been very extreame But now if I chanced to see anie one who shed manie teares for her sinnes or els that she abounded in other vertues I carried a kinde of enuie towards her though as for this hart of mine it was so very hard and euen impenetrable in this kinde that if I should haue read ouer the whole Historie of the Paision of our Blessed Sauiour I was not able to shed a teare and this put me to a great deale of paine In this Monasterie did I remaine a yeare and a half and I was much improued there I beganne to say manie Vocall prayers and I procured of all the Religious that they would recommend me much to Almightie God to the end that he might place mee in such a way of Life as wherein I might be likelie to serue him best But still I did euen desire that I might not be a Religious woman and that this might not be the state which God would giue me though yet still I was afrayd to be married But now at the end of the time when I was there I already beganne to be more inclined to be a Religious woeman though yet not in that verie House where I was then in regard of those actions of extraordinarie vertue and pennance which I vnderstood they vsed and which seemed to me of too much rigour Yet there were some of the yonger sort of themselues who encouraged me towards those formet more imperfect thoughts for if they all had been of one opinion it would haue been much to my true aduantage I had also a great friend in another Monasterie and this was partly a reason why if I would be a Religious woman I would not yet be so in anie other place then where that friend of mine was For I carried more respect to my sensualitie and vanitie then to the benefit which I might bring to my soule These good thoughts of being a Religious woman were often coming to me by times but they were instantly sent away againe and I could not yet persuade myself to be one At this time though my self were not altogether vvithout care of my cure yet our Lord vvas much fuller of desire to dispose me for that state vvhich vvould be best for my soule He then gaue me so great a sicknes that I vvas forced to returne home to my Fathers house And vven once I vvas recouered they conducted me to giue a Visit to one of my Sisters in the Countrie for the loue vvhich I bore her vvas extreame and by her vvill I should neuer haue parted from her Her Husband did also loue me very much and at least he regaled me highly And euen for this also am I obliged to our Blessed Lord since in all places vvhere I haue been I was euer treated after this manner notwithstanding that I haue been as vnthankefull to him for it as for his other fauours Now by the way towards my Sister I had an Vnckle my Fathers Brother vvho vvas a very aduised man and of great vertue He vvas a Widdower and our Lord vvent disposing him for his owne seruice and vvhen he grew on to be of yeares he left the vvorld and became a Religious man and ended his life in such sort that I belieue he is now enioying the Vision of Almightie God But he vvould needs haue me as I passed remaine with him some dayes His vsuall exercise vvas to reade good Bookes in the Spanish toung and his discours vvas most commonly of God and of the vanitie of the world and those Bookes vvould he also make me reade And though I had no great liking to this yet I pretended that I had for in the point of giuing contentment to others I had euer an extreame kind of care how deare soeuer it might cost me So that the same thing vvich had been vertue in others was a great fault in me because I often carried my self therin vvith much indiscretion O my God! By vvhat vvaies did thy Diuine Maiestie goe disposing me for that state in vvhich thou vvert pleased that I should serue thee since thou didst euen force me thus as it vvere against my vvill to force my self Be thou blessed for all eternitie Amen Though I stayed not long in that place yet by the effect vvhich the vvords of Almighty God wrought in my hart whether they vvere read or heard by me together vvith so good companie as that vvas vvherein I found my self then I came to vnderstand this Truth vvhich I had learnt when I was yet but a Child That namely all was nothing and how great the vanitie of the vvorld vvas and that all vvould be shortly at an end and that I might iustly feare least dying in that condition wherein I vvas I might chance goe dropping downe into Hell And though my vvill did not yet entirely resolue me to make my self a Religious vvoman yet I vvell discerned that it vvas the better and more secure state and so by little and little I determined to force my hart to embrace it In this battaile I remained three moneths constraining my self at last by this following discours and reason that the troubles and afflictions of being a Religious vvomaÌ„ could not be greater then the paine of Purgatorie And that I hauing so vvel deserued Hell it vvas not to be esteemed too much if I remained vvhilst I should liue heer as in Purgatorie so that afterward I might goe streight to heauen For this was my desire But yet euen in this inclination of mine to take this state vpon me I doubt I vvas more moued by a kinde of seruile Feare then by Loue. The Diuel in the meane time represented to me that I would neuer
yet could not be too great a demonstration vvhen I vveigh how deeply I offended thee afterward Now me thinkes that I had reason before in not desiring so great a dignitie as this considering how ill I vvere like to employ it But thou O my Lord vvert pleased to permitt that I might vse this fauour so ill twentie yeares togeather and vvouldst content thy self to be the person affronted that I might be the person improued For it seemes not to me now O my God that I made thee anie promise of anie thing but only that I vvould keepe no promise vvich I had made thee though yet my intention vvas not such at that time And yet I finde my actions to haue growne afterward to be such that I may very vvell thinke I scarce know vvhat kind of intention I had And thus it may the better be seen vvho thou art O my Spouse and my God and who I am For it is really an expresse truth that the grief for my very great sinnes is tempered in me manie times by the contentment which this consideration giues me that my sinnefulnes may proue a meanes to make the multitude of thy mercies be vnderstood For in whome O Lord can they euer shine so brightly as in me who haue by my wicked actions so obscured those great fauours which thou beganst to doe me Ah woe is me O my Creatour for if I looke for anie excuse I can find none nor hath anie creature the fault of it but only my self and if I would pretend to pay thee anie thing for the least part of that Loue which thou beganst to shew me I should not know how to employ it vpon anie thing but only thy self and thereby might all be redressed since I neuer deserued the same Nor was I euer so happie as to doe euen this and therefore now O Lord let thy mercie vouchsafe to supply all wants But now the change which I made of my life and the difference of my food at this time from the former beganne to doe me hurt in the way of health for though the contentment which I had was great yet would it not serue the turne My fitts of fainting and swooning beganne againe to encrease and such a hideous beating of the hart came vpon me as amazed all them who saw it besides manie other infirmities And thus I passed on my first yeare with a kinde of health which was ill enough though yet within that time I conceaue my self not to haue offended God much But my sicknes being so great that it depriued me almost of my senses yea and sometimes I was vvholy depriued the diligences which my Father vsed for my recouerie vvere also very great and vvhen the Doctours of those parts found no remedie he procured to get me remoued to a certaine place vvhere there vvas great fame of the curing manie other infirmities and so they assured themselues that they vvould be able to doe also vvith mine That friend vvhome I mentioned to be in that House vvent vvith me for she vvas of yeares and in the Monasterie vvhere she liued they made no Vow of Clausure I stayd almost a yeare in that other place and during three moneths therof I suffred so excessiue torments by the manner of the Cure vvich was very rigorous that I know not how I vvas able to endure them and though I did endure them yet me thinkes it vvas not my Bodie vvhich could doe it as I vvil now declare This Cure vvas to be taken in hand in the beginning of Sommer and I vvent in the beginning of VVinter All this meane time I remained in the house of that Sister of vvhome I spoke before vvho dwelt in the Countrie because I vvas then neer the place and yet it vvas very troublesome to be going and coming to and fro VVhen I departed from that Vncle of mine vvhome I declared my selfe to haue visited in the vvay he gaue me a certaine Booke vvich is called The third A. B. C. which treats of the manner of Prayer with Recollection Now though in that first yeare I had read some good Bookes forbearing vtterly to looke vpon anie other for I was not ignorant of the hurt which such as those had donne me yet I knew not how to proceede in Prayer nor how to obtaine Recollection and so I was very glad of this Booke and determined to follovv that way to the vttermost of my power And since our Lord had already been pleased to bestow the guift of teares vpon me and since I delighted also in reading I beganne to spend some good fitts of time in solitude and to Confesse myself very often and in a word to addresse myself by that way esteeming that Booke to be my Maister For I could meet with no other Maister I meane a Ghostlie Father who was able to vnderstand me though I fought such an one almost twentie yeares after this time VVhich accident did me hurt enough towards the making me turne back often yea and for the making me loose myself But such an one would haue daily assisted me to lay aside and leaue those occasions which I tooke to offend Almightie God In these beginnings his Diuine Maiestie beganne to doe me so great fauours that at the end of the time when I remained there which was about nine moneths in this way of solitude though I were not so free from offending God as the Booke appointed which I neglected as holding it impossible to continue still so watchfull ouer myself I was carefull not to commit anie Mortall sinne and I would to God I had alwaies been so but of Venialls I made no great account and this was that in fine which destroyed me But our Lord began to regale me so much by this way that he vouchsafed me the favour to giue me Quiet Prayer and sometimes it came so farre as to arriue to Vnion though I vnderstood neither the one nor the other nor how much they both deserued to be prized But I belieue it would haue been a great deale of happines for me to haue vnderstood the certainty thereof True it is that this Vnion rested with me for so short a time that perhaps it might ariue to be but as of an Aue Maria yet I remained with so very great effects therof that with not being then so much as twentie yeares old me thought I found the whole world vnder my feet and so I remember well that I was wont to carrie great compassion towards such as followed the wayes of the world though it were but euen in lawfull things I Procured the best I could to carry our Lord who is our true Good still present with me and euen within me and this was the manner of my prayer If I thought vpon anie passage or Mysterie I represented it to the interiour of myself and other times I spent in reading good Bookes which was all the recreation that I had For God gaue not me the talent
vvho are vertuously inclined And hence flowed downe my teares togeather vvith an indignation to consider vvhat I found in my self for I saw that still I vvas as vpon the pitch of returning to fall againe although my firme purposes and desires did then I meane so long as those fauours lasted stand fast and firme A great incoÌ„uenience it is for a Soule to find her self solitarie and single amongst so manie dangers and me thinkes that if I had anie Creature to whome I might haue imparted all this it would haue holp me not to fall againe at least for shame of the world if I would not be ashamed to offend God I would therefore aduise them who make Mentall Prayer and especially at the beginning thereof to procure some friendship and familiaritie with others who haue the same designe for this is of much importance though it should be for no more then to be assisted by the prayers of one another and how much more when there is such aduantage to be gotten also otherwise And for my part I cannot tell why since by meanes of conuersations and humane inclinations euen although they be not excellently good men procure to get some friends by whose meanes they may vnwearie themselues and may find an encrease of contentment by recounting their vaine pleasures to one another it should be so much as permitted that such as beginne to loue and serue Almightie God in good earnest should forbeare to impart both their delights and their afflictions to some fitt persons since such as vse Prayer are acquainted with both For if that Creature be in earnest who desires to hold frieÌ„dship with his Diuine Maiestie there needs to be no feare of Vaine-Glorie and when that Soule should be set vpon by anie first motion therof he would easily get out of it with merit And as for me I belieue that he who should communicate therof with others to this intention would both profit himself and those that heare him and would prâ—â—e to be better taught both in his owne vnderstanding part and in knowing also how to instruct his friends He who should be subiect to Vaine-Glorie for speaking vpon such an occasion as this would also not faile to haue it by being seen to heare Masse with deuotion and by doing other things also to which he is yet expresly bound vpon the paine of being otherwise no good Christian And yet these things must not be forborne vpon the feare of a man's being subiect to Vaine-Glorie Now this is a point of so extreame importance for the benefit of all such Soules as are not yet strengthned and established in Vertue who want not both so manie Aduersaries yea and friends also to incite them to ill that I know not how to expresse it with earnestnes and aduantage enough And to me it seemes as if the Diuel loued to vse this deuise as a thing which imports him very much Namely that men should hide themselues as carefully from such as can vnderstand them who would procure to make them loue and giue gust to God as he hath earnestly incited others to discouer their intemperate desires Which latter course is yet so much taken and followed that it passes for a kinde of gallanterie to talke of it and so vpon the matter they publish the offences which they committ against Almightie God by this meanes I know not whether they be impertinencies which I vtter if they be your Reuerence may be pleased to teare them and if they be not I beseech you Sir assist and instruct my simplicitie by adding much to them vpon this subiect For the busines of the Seruice of Almightie God goes now so weakly on that they who procure to serue him had need support and succour one another that so they may be able to get forward so very much are the vanities and foolish entertainments of the world growne to be in fashion and in such sort that there are few eyes in the world to discerne their fault But if anie bodie on the other side doe but beginne to giue himself to Almightie God there are so manie who will murmure at him that he shall finde himself to haue need enough to get companie which may appeare in his defence till such time as he be confirmed in not being troubled for what he is put to suffer which if he chance not to be he may perhaps grow to see himself in some straights And perhaps this may haue been the reason why some Saints haue vsed to retire themselues into Deserts But as it is a kinde of humilitie not to put anie confidence in a man's self so yet is it no sinne against pietie to belieue that God will not faile to help him to liue amongst them with whome he is obliged to conuerse But thus Charitie by being communicated will grow to be encreased and there are a thousand other benefits which belong to this way of proceeding where of I should not aduenture to speake if I had not great experience of the much importance heer of True it is that I am both the most weake and the most wicked of as manie Creatures as were euer borne but yet still I am apt to thinke that whosoeuer will humble himself though he be strong and will yet not belieue so much of himself but in this will giue belief to another who is endued with experience shall neuer loose anie thing by the bargaine Of my self I am able to say thus much that if our Lord had not discouered this truth to me and had not also giuen me meanes to treate in very vsuall manner with such persons as had the knowledge and practise of Mentall Prayer I had still walked on with falling and rising till I had euen dropped downe headlong into Hell For I wanted not manie friends who would not faile to help me to fall but towards the recouering and raising me vp I found my self so absolutly alone that now I am no lesse then amazed to consider how I remained not still laid flatt and I praise the mercie of Almightie God for it was he and only he who gaue me his helping hand Let him be blessed and praised for euer and for euer Amen THE EIGHTH CHAPTER She treats of the great good it did her tovvards the not loosing her Soule not to haue vvholy giuen-ouer her Prayer As also vvhat an excellent remedie that is tovvards the gaining of vvhatsoeuer good thing vvhich is lost She persvvades all Creatures to vse it and declares the great benefits therof and although vve should aftervvard leaue it yet that still it vvould proue a great good to haue vsed so great a help for some time I Haue not without cause been considering and reflecting vpon this life of mine so long For I am able to discerne well enough that no bodie will haue gust to looke vpon a thing so very wicked And really I would be glad that all such persons as should reade this Discourse might abhorre
me to see a Soule so pertinacious and so vngratefull towards him who had vouchsafed it so great Fauours And I wish I could get leaue to declare that multitude of times that I failed of my obligation to Almightie God in this number of yeares by reason that I was not applyed to and supported by the strong pillar of Prayer I passed through this tempestuous Sea almost twentie yeares between these fallings and risings though I rose il-fauourdly enough since I returned againe so quickly to fall in this kind of life tending towards perfection but yet in so base a way as that I made no account at all of Veniall Sinnes and for such as were Mortall it is true that although I feared them yet I did not euen that as I ought since I absented not my self from the danger therof but I will be bold to say that it is one of the most painefull kindes of life that can possibly be imagined For I neither enioyed the sweetnes of God nor yet the satisfaction of the world When I found my self in the contentments of the world the remembrance of what I owed to God gaue me paine and whilst I was conuersing with his Diuine Maiestie the inclinations affections of the world gaue me disquiet And this is a kinde of warre so very painefull that I know not how it was possible for me to finde meanes to endure it for one moneth and much more how I could doe it for so manie yeares notwithstanding that I yet clearly see the great mercie which Almightie God shewed me heerin since I was to treat of manie things in the world that still I should haue the courage to giue my self to Prayer I say courage for as for me I see not what one thing there is of so manie as are to be found in the whole world wherein there is need of a greater then to treat of committing Treasons against a King and to know that he knowes it well and yet neuer to goe out of his presence For howsoeuer it be very true that we are alwaies in the presence of Almightie God yet me thinkes that they who conuerse with him in Prayer are in his presence after a more particular manner for they are seeing then that he sees them whereas others may perhaps remaine some dayes in his presence and yet without remembring that he lookes vpon them True it is that within that time there were I beleiue manie moneths and sometimes peraduenture a whole yeare that I kept my self from offending our Lord and gaue my self much to Mentall Prayer and I also vsed some yea and manie diligences that I might neuer grow more to offend him And because all that which I write now is to be deliuered with entirenes of truth I declare my self heer as you see But I remember little of those good dayes and therefore it may be thought they were few and the ill ones manie yet few of those few passed away without my allowing a good long time for Prayer vnlesse I were either very sick or extreamly busie The worse I was in my health the more I was vnited with God and I procured that such persons as vsed to be with me at those times might be so too and I begged it of our Lord and we spake very often of him And so vnless it were that one yeare of which I haue spokē in eight and twentie yeares which haue passed since I beganne first to vse Mentall Prayer I haue endured this battaile and strife of treating both with God and the World more then eighteen yeares In those other yeares whereof I am yet to speake the cause of the warre was changed though of it self it was no inconsiderable thing but in regard that I was then as I conceaue in the seruice of Almightie God and in a knowledge of the vanitie of whatsoeuer this world can be it did all proue delightfull and pleasant as I will shew heerafter Now the reason why I haue related all this is First as I was saying before to the end that the mercie of Almightie God togeather with my ingratitude may be well discerned And Secondly that it may be also vnderstood how great a blessing Almightie God doth to that Soule which he disposes to vse Mentall Prayer with a good affection and will though yet it should not be so very well disposed for it as were fitt for in fine if he perseuer therein what Sinne soeuer he committ and whatsoeuer Temptation be offered and whatsoeuer Falls be giuē him in a thousand strāge fashions by the Diuel I hold in fine for certaine that our Lord will draw him at length out of the Storme into the Port of Saluation as now by all apparance he hath drawne me and I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that I may neuer returne againe to be lost Manie holie and good men haue written of the benefit which he obtaines who exercises himself in Prayer I meane Mental Prayer and glorie be to Almightie God for being the cause thereof and yet if that were not true though I haue little humilitie yet am I not withall so insolent as that I would presume to speake vpon this subiect But of that whereof I haue some experience I may vet presume to say somewhat and it is this That whosoeuer hath begunne to frequent the vse of Prayer I wish him not to giue it ouer whatsoeuer sinnes he committ in the meane time since this is the meanes by which he may recouer himself againe which he will find to be of much more difficultie without it And let not the Diuel tempt him to leaue it as he did me vpon a pretence of humilitie but let him firmly belieue that his words can neuer want truth who sayd That if we will repent our selues in good earnest and resolue to offend the Diuine Maiestie no more he restores vs to the same friendship which we had before with him and doth vs the same fauours vvhich he did vs before and sometimes they proue to be much greater if the repentance deserue it And vvhosoeuer hath not yet begunne this exercise I beseech him for the loue of our Lord that he vvill no longer depriue himself of so great a benefit There is nothing to be feared heer but much to be desired For though a man should not proceed so farr as to striue to gaine such perfection as may prepare and as it vvere deserue those gusts and regalo's vvhich God is vvont to giue to such persons yet the least vvhich he shall get vvill be that he shall be going on in the vvay to Heauen And I know so much of the mercie of Almightie God that I may conclude for certaine enough that no bodie euer tooke him for a friend whome he did not well requite for his paines For Mentall Prayer is no other thing in my opinion then a Treatie about making Friendship with Almightie God and a frequēt and priuate Commerce hand to hand with him by
whome we know we are beloued And as for you if you loue him not yet for to the end that it may be a true loue and that your friendship may last the conditions must be reciprocall and we know there can be no want on our Lord's behalf and that our nature is vitious sensuall and vngratefull and so we cannot perhaps obtaine fully at our owne hands to loue him so much because he is not of the same condition with vs yet considering how much it imports vs to hold friendship with him and how much he loues vs we must passe on and passe ouer this paine of being much in his companie who is of so different a condition from ours O infinite goodnes of my God! how true it is that me thinkes I see both thee and my self in this verie manner O thou who art the verie Regalo of the Angels in Heauen how faine would I euen defeat and dissolue my self totally in louing thee when I see and consider these things And how certaine a thing it is that thou art on the suffering hand in regard of such as will not suffer thee to remaine with them O how good a friend dost thou make thy self to thy friend O my Lord and how dost thou goe enduring him and regaling him And thou expectest till he make himself grow to be of thy condition and inclination and in the meane time thou endurest and permittest him to continue to be a while of his owne and thou takest O my deare Lord by way of good payment those fitts of time which he can be content to bestow vpon thee and vpon a minute of true sorrow and repentance thou forgettest all those sinnes whereby he hath offended thee All this haue I perceaued clearly in order to my self and for my part I cannot see O my Creatour how the whole world can forbeare to procure to draw neer to thy Diuine Maiestie that so it may be able to obtaine this particular kind of friendship with thee Such as are wicked and are not hitherto come to haue the like inclinations and dispositions to thine should yet come towards thee to the end that so thou mightst make them good and that they might endure thee to be with them though it were but for some two howers in the day yea euen though they would not the while stay in thy companie without a thousand distractions and tumblings vp and downe in wordlie cares and thoughts as I was wont to doe And for recompence of this violence which they vse to make against themselues by continuing in so good companie as thine for neither in those verie beginnings no nor euen afterwards also for a while can they tell how to doe better thou forcest O Lord the Diuels of Hell to forbeare a setting fiercely vpon them and permittest them to haue daily lesse power then other against them yea and thou puttest them into mens hands that they may ouercome them So that thou O thou Life of all liues dost neuer kill anie one of those Creatures who puts his confidence in thee nor of them who desire thee for a Freind but thou sustainest both the life of their Bodies with encrease of health and thou also dost impart it to the Soule For my part I cannot possibly vnderstand why men should feare as they doe to beginne to vse Mentall Prayer nor of what it is in fine that they are afrayd The Diuel indeed doth not ill in order to his owne wicked ends to procure to doe me hurt if by pretence and meanes of I know not what feares he can procure to make me forbeare a considering how much and how highly I haue offended Almightie God and how much I am obliged to him for his great mercies and benefits and to thinke vpon this truth that there is such a thing as glorie in Heauen and torments in Hell and vpon those great afflictions and sorrowes which our Lord endured for me in this life For this was still my Prayer when I was continuing in all those dangers and vpon this did I thinke whensoeuer I was able And very often yea and for some yeares togeather I was busier about desiring that the Hower might come quickly to an end still listning when the Clock would strike then vpon better things Yea and it hapned to me manie times that I knew not what Pennance could be set before me so very great as that I would not more willingly vndergoe it then recollect my self to Mentall Prayer And it is certaine that either the Diuel did set vpon me with such an vn-resistable force or els mine owne vvicked custome did it that I might not goe make Mentall Prayer and the sadnes of my hart vvas such euen vvhen I entred into my Oratorie for that purpose that I vvas faine to help and serue my self of all the strength and courage I had vvhich they say is not very little and it hath been seen that God hath giuen me more then is vsually possessed by vvoemen but that I haue employed it ill to force my self to make my Prayer and in fine it pleased our Lord to assist me But afterward vvhen I had vsed these violences to my hart I found my self vvith more quiet delight so that sometimes I grew to haue an expresse desire to pray Now therefore since it chanced that our Lord did suffer and endure so vvicked a Creature as my self and if it appeare plainly that all my miseries vvere redressed by this meanes vvhat person how vvicked soeuer he may be can find anie thing to be afrayd of heer For how wicked soeuer anie other bodie may haue been he vvill neuer be so yet after the enioying of so great Fauours from our B. Lord as I had receaued And vvho can euer come to dis-confide in his Diuine Maiestie vvho had patience vvith me so long vpon this onlie reason Because I desired and procured some meanes for time and place wherein he might be with me And euen this little thing I did often without anie inclination of mine owne but only by the great violence which either I offered to my self or els was offered to me by our Lord. Since therefore the vse of Mentall Prayer is so fitt yea and so very necessarie euen for such as serue not God but offend him and since no bodie can truly find anie such hurt which it can possibly doe as would not be much greater without Prayer at least how can such forbeare it as serue Almightie God and desire to serue him Most certainly vnlesse a man haue a minde to passe through the troubles miseries of this life with an addition of more miserie and to shut vp the verie gate against God himself for feare least he should giue him comfort by this meanes I cannot possibly vnderstand this proceeding of his I haue really great compassion and sorrow for those poore Soules who will needs serue Almightie God vpon their owne cost for as for them who vse Mentall Prayer
things for by meanes of such blessings as these doth our Lord impart that Fortitude to vs which we lost by our Sinnes And he should but vnluckily desire and exhort a man to despise and abhorre the world and encourage him to acquire all those great vertues which Christians of high perfection vse to possesse if he were not vpheld therein by a Liuelie Faith and by his hauing also felt some assurance of the loue which our Lord was pleased to beare him For naturally we are so very dead that we looke not after anie thing but that which we see at the present and so these verie Fauours are the things which awake strengthen our Faith I say not but that it may very well be that I being so very wicked am apt to iudge of others by my self that those others may need no more then the verie light and truth of Faith for the making their workes very perfect but I as very miserable haue beē in need of all possible helps Others may well say what they please but I relate what hath occurred to me as they who haue power ouer me cōmand and if he to whome I send it doe not like it he may teare it as knowing better then I what is vnfitt Whome I humbly beseech euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord that whatsoeuer I haue sayd hitherto concerning my wicked Life and my Sinnes he will publish it and from this instant I giue leaue both to him and all them who haue been my Ghostlie Fathers of which number he is to whome this goes addressed that they doe it euen now whilst I am liuing to the end that euen now I may deceaue the vvorld no longer vvhich els perhaps may thinke that there is some good thing in me and really and very really I speake truth to the best that I can novv vnderstand of my self that he shall giue me great comfort if he vvill doe it But as for that vvhich shall follovv heerafter in this Discourse I allovv him no such libertie at all nor vvill I by anie meanes giue vvay that if they chance to shevv the thing to anie Creature they declare vvho that person is vvith vvhome it passed nor vvho vvrote it and for this reason haue I forborne to name either my self or anie other vvho hath interuened to the Storie But I haue done the best I could to vvrite it so as that I may not be knowne and I desire for the loue of our Lord that it may euer remaine as a Secret For it vvill suffice that there are so learned and graue persons as may authorize anie thing vvhich is good if our Lord vvill giue me grace to relate it and if there be it must be his and not mine for they only vvho command me to vvrite it knovv that I vvrite it and at the present they are not heer and I vvrite it also as it vvere by stealth and vvith vvant of time and vvith some trouble because I am kept from spinning and I liue in a poore House and haue busines enough and if our Lord gaue me more abilitie and memorie of both vvhich I haue very little I might yet by meanes thereof serue my self of vvhat I had heard or read So that if I say anie thing vvhich is good our Lord vvill serue himself of it for some good end but vvhatsoeuer is ill sayd vvill be mine owne and that your Reuerence may blot out And both for the one and for the other there vvill be no reason at all to declare my name During anie bodies life it is cleare that the good he doth is not to be related and after death it vvill also serue for nothing in this case but only to make it loose all authoritie and credit for hauing been recounted by a person so base and so vvicked as my self And because I hope you vvill doe that vvhich I say and I humbly beg it of you euen for the loue of our Lord and of those others also vvho are to see it I write as you see vvith all libertie and clearnes for otherwise I should haue great scruple to doe it but only for the meer declaration of my Sinnes and in that I haue none at all As for other things it is enough that I am a woemā to make my wings fall downe flatt by my sides and hovv much more then since I am not only a weoman but a wicked woeman And therefore whatsoeuer your Reuerence shall finde heer beyond the bare relation of the course of my Life you must take to be only for your self since you would needs importune me so farre as to make you some declaration of the Fauours which our Lord had been pleased to doe me in Prayer supposing euer that you hold them to be in conformitie with the Truths of our Holie Catholick Faith for if not you are instantly to burne it and to this Direction I will stand So that I will declare what passed with me in this kinde to the end that if it shall proue conforme to Catholick truth it may be of some seruice to you and if not that you may be the better able to vndeceaue my Soule and so the Diuel may get nothing by that whereby I tooke my self to gaine For our Lord knowes that I euer haue procured to meet with persons who might giue me light as I shall shew afterward But how clearly soeuer I shall striue to declare these things concerning Prayer it will fall out to be obscure enough for such as haue no experience therein I will touch also vpon some impediments which according to my way of vnderstanding vse to oppose themselues against such persons as are walking on in this way and I will also point at some others in which there may be some danger according to what our Lord hath taught me by experience And I haue since treated with great learned men and persons who had giuen themselues to Spirit manie yeares and they see that his Diuine Maiestie hath vouchsafed me in seauen and twentie yeares wherein I haue vsed Mētall Prayer though I haue walked on so ill with so manie stumbling blocks in the way that experience which he hath not allowed to others in seauen and thirtie yea and in seauen and fourtie yeares whilst yet they had spent their liues in Pennance and euer in a course of Vertue Let him be Blessed for all and I be seech his Diuine Maiestie euen by what he is himself that he will vouchsafe to be serued by me For my deare Lord knowes very well that I pretend no other thing by this but only that he may be a little the more exalted and praised when you see that he would needs plant a Garden of so sweet Flowers vpon and in a Dung-hill so fowle and filthie and of so very ill fauour as I am I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie that I returne not through my fault to pluck them all vp by the rootes and so become againe
what I was before And this doe I intreat your Reuerence that you will beg of our B. Lord for me since you know with more clearnes what I am then heer you haue giuen me leaue to expresse THE ELEAVENTH CHAPTER She declares in vvhat the fault consists of not obtaining to loue God vvith perfectiō in short time She beginnes to deliuer it by a Comparison vvhich containes Foure degrees of Prayer And she treats heer of the First vvhich is very profitable for beginners and for them also vvho haue no sensible delight or gust in Prayer NOw to speake of them who beginne to be Seruants of our Blessed Lord for Loue and to me it seemes to be nothing els to resolue to follow him by this way of Prayer who loued vs so much I find it to be a thing of so great dignitie that I regale my self after a strange manner euen by the very thought thereof For seruile feare will instantly flye away if we carrie ourselues as we ought in this first degree of Prayer O thou Lord of my Soule and my eternall Good how comes it to passe that when a Soule resolues to loue thee and to doe the vttermost she can to leaue all this world that so she may the better employ her self vpon this loue of thee thou art not pleased that she should instantly enjoy the getting vp to possesse this perfect loue But I haue sayd ill for I ought indeed to haue sayd that I complaine against our selues because it is wee who will not possesse it since all the fault is ours for not instantly obtaining this true loue of God with perfection which carries all kindes of blessings in company thereof For the matter is that we set so high a price vpon our selues and we are withall so slow in giuing our harts totally to God that as his Diuine Maiestie on the one side will not permitt that we should enioy so pretious a thing without paying well for it so on the other we neuer make an end of disposing our selues therein as we ought I am able to see well enough that there is nothing at all in this world with which so great a treasure can be bought but yet if we did indeed what we could by not fastning our selues to anie thing of this world but that all our cares and considerations were sent-vp to Heauen I am confident that this blessing would be imparted to vs with very great speed if speedily and entirely as I was saying we disposed our selues to the receauing thereof as some Saints haue done But the miserie is that we thinke we giue God all and the truth is that we offer his Diuine Maiestie but the yearlie Rents or Reuenues and Fruits our selues remaining still with the rootes and possession of the Land We resolue to make our selues poore for God's sake and it is a point of great merit to doe so but yet we returne manie times to take care and to vse diligences enow that nothing may be wanting to vs I say not of that which is necessarie but sometimes also euen of that which is superfluous and to be procuring also to make friends who may help vs to it and so put vs still into more care yea perhaps into more danger too that so we may grow to want nothing then euen we had before when we were the possessours of our owne estates It seemes also that when we came to be Religious or as soone as we beganne to lead a Spirituall life and to aspire towards perfection we gaue-ouer to care for the honour of this world and yet as soone as euer anie Creature beginns but to touch vs in that kind we forget that we had already giuen it away to Almightie God and we resolue sometimes to snatch it againe out of his hands and runne away with it euen after we seemed to haue voluntarily made him the entire Lord therof And iust thus doth it also happen sometimes in other things Now this indeed is a very delicate fine foolish ridiculous way of seeking the loue of Almightie God when togeather with this pretence we will as a man may say haue our hands still full of the same imperfect inclinations and affections vvhich vve had before since vve doe not procure indeed to effect our owne former good desires and still vve endeauour not at length to raise them vvholy vp from the earth and yet vve vvill needs expect the while to enioy manie Spirituall comforts and delights But this seemes not to be of a Suite nor doth the one Stuffe sitt well vvith the other and therefore because vve vvill not once resolue to giue our selues totally vp to Almightie God vve come not totally to enioy this Treasure And I pray God it may please his Diuine Maiestie to vouchsafe to grant it to vs though it should be but by drop and drop and though it should grovv to cost vs all the labours and troubles of the vvhole vvorld A very great deale of mercie doth our Blessed Lord shevv to that person to vvhome he giues the firme purpose and grace to resolue vpon procuring this blessing vvith all his power for certainly if such an one shall perseuer Almightie God vvill deny himself to no Creature but will by little and little goe enabling that Soule in such sort as that at length it shall find it self to be victorious But I sayd that the Partie must haue courage because the Diuel doth ordinarily in the beginnings dispose himself to represent yea and frame very great difficulties to the end that so we may not hold-on this way in good earnest as one who knowes very vvell vvhat preiudice is like to grovv to him by it not only through his loosing the Soule of that Partie but of manie others also if he vvho beginns to serue God endeauour once by his fauour to ariue to the perfection therof For I belieue that such an one will neuer goe alone to Heauen but will carrie very manie with him and that like a good Captaine he shall finde that God will giue him a faire Companie So that since the Diuel will be sure to lay such dangers and difficulties in his way there will be need of very great courage and resolution to keep one from running away yea and also there vvill be need of much and much and very much fauour and mercie of Almightie God for this purpose Now therefore to speake of the beginnings of such as be already resolued to goe in search after so great a blessing and to obtaine vvhat they aspire to in the end for as for that vvhereof I vvas going once to speake concerning Mysticall Theologie for so I thinke it is called I vvill treat thereof afterward the great and greatest trouble consists euer in these verie beginnings For those are they which cost most when a Soule comes to giue our Lord the whole Stock And in the other degrees of Prayer which follow the most part of that which passes is
anie because then our Lord is pleased to multiply our vertues by that meanes THE TWELFTH CHAPTER She prosecutes her Discourse of the First State or Degree of Prayer and declares hovv farre vve may ariue of our selues by the Fauour of our Lord And of the hurt it brings to desire that our Spirit may rise to Supernaturall and Extraordinarie things till our Lord himself be pleased to ordaine it THat which I pretended to giue to be vnderstood in the last Chapter though yet I diuerted my self much vpon other things in regard that I thought them very necessarie was to declare how much we might be able to acquire and how in this First part of our deuotions we might to some proportion help our selues because the considering and ruminating vpon that which our Lord suffered for vs is wont to moue vs to compassion and the sorrow and teares which grow from thence is a very sauourie and delightfull kind of thing And so to thinke of the Glorie for which we hope and of the Loue which our Lord bore vs as also of his Resurrection moues vs to ioy which is neither wholy Spirituall nor wholy Sensuall but this is a vertuous kind of ioy on the one side as on the other that former paine is very meritorious And of this sort are all those things which cause anie such deuotion as is acquired in part by the Vnderstanding though yet there be no merit nor gaine therein vnlesse Almightie God be pleased to giue it But now it will be very fitt for a Soule which our Lord hath not raised anie higher not to procure to exalt her self and let this be very well noted for the contrarie course will help her to nothing but losse In this Degree or State she may performe manie good acts by way of resoluing to doe great things for Almighty God and to awake and stirr-vp her loue and others also by way of assisting her self to grow-vp in seuerall vertues according to what is contained in a certaine Booke called The Art of seruing God which is a very good one and very proper for such as finde themselues in this State because the Vnderstanding doth act and exercise it self heer She may also represent her self as in the presence of Christ our Lord and accustome her self to be greatly enamoured with his most Sacred Humanitie and to be euer carrying that along in her companie and to be often speaking to it and to beg his continuall assistance in all her necessities and euen to complaine to him of her afflictions and to ioy with him for her contentments and gusts but yet not to forget him vpon occasion thereof And all this without procuring to expresse her self in anie sett kind of Prayers but to make vse of such words alone as may haue conformitie with her owne necessities and desires This is an excellent way of finding profit and that in a very short time and whosoeuer shall earnestly labour to carrie this pretious companie with himself and shall haue proceeded well therein and shall haue found the way of louing in very good earnest this Lord of ours to whome we owe so much I will giue and passe my word that this person is a very good Proficient For this purpose let it not trouble vs a whitt not to finde our selues with sensible deuotion as I haue sayd but let vs giue thankes to our Lord for giuing vs so good desires to please him though our workes be weake This way of carrying Christ our Lord in our companie is very vsefull in all the Fowre States and Degrees of Prayer It is a most secure and safe meanes to goe profiting in the First Degree and that we shall gett quickly to the Second and then to be free also in the two last from those dangers which the Diuel may prouide for vs. For this in fine is that which we may be able to doe and for anie bodie to passe-vp from hence and to exalt his Spirit towards the feeling of certaine gusts which are not allowed him is but in my opinion to loose both the one and the other because in fine that is all Supernaturall and so the Vnderstanding being at a Stand and lost the Soule remaines all desolate and with great drynes And since this whole Building is grounded vpon Humilitie the neerer we grow to Almightie God the more shall we proceed and profit in this Vertue and if we doe not this all is lost And it seemes to be no better then a kind of pride if we desire to get-vp to a higher ranke since God doth vs but too much honour and fauour considering how vnworthie we are in suffering vs to be so neer to himself But now it must not be so vnderstood as if I spoke all this against raising-vp our thoughts to consider the high things of Heauen or of God or of the greatnesses which are there aboue as also of his Incomparable Wisdome For though I neuer did this because I had no abilitie for this purpose as I haue sayd and I found my self so miserable and so meane that God did me particular fauour to enable me to thinke of earthlie things by meanes whereof I might come afterward to vnderstand this truth for euen this was no small aduenture for me and how much more was it so to consider Celestiall things yet others may take benefit heerby and especially if they haue Learning and Knowledge which is in my opinion a great treasure towards this exercise of Prayer if it be accompanied with Humilitie I haue seen the truth of this very lately by occasion of some learned men who begunne not long agoe and yet haue proceeded and profited very much which makes me haue an earnest and euen a kind of impatient desire that manie such as are learned would grow to be very Spirituall men whereof I shall giue the reason heerafter But now that which I haue sayd Namely That men must not exalt themselues to rise higher then God doth raise them is a certaine kinde of Language of Spirit and he will vnderstand me who hath experience of it but as for me I know not how to expresse it if he know not how to vnderstand me by what I haue sayd In Mysticall Theologie whereof I beganne to speake the Vnderstanding ceases from working because Almightie God suspends it as I will declare heerafter if I be able and if he giue me grace for that purpose But as for vs to presume yea or so much as to thinke of suspending it is that which I am saying we should not doe Nor must we leaue to act and worke thereby and therewith for if we doe we shall be stupid and sottish and cold and we shall effect neither the one nor the other But when our Lord suspends and stopps it he furnishes it with matter vpon which the Partie may employ himself and at which he may be amazed and he makes him vnderstand more in the time and space of saying one
but as for Beginners learned men if they possesse not the vse of Prayer can be of little profit to them Yet I say not that they should not treat and conferr with such men as are learned for as for hauing a Spirit which should not be first setled in a way of truth for my part I had rather haue it without Prayer For Learning is a great matter since it instructs vs who know little and brings vs light and when we approach neer to the truths of Holie Scripture we beginne to doe that which we ought but as for sillie and foolish deuotions our Lord deliuer vs from them I will declare my self yet better for I feare I put my self vpon too manie things at once though I euer wanted meanes to know how to giue my self to be well vnderstood as I haue sayd but vpon the expence of manie words A Religious Woeman for examples sake will beginne to vse Prayer and in case some sillie kinde of man direct and gouerne her he will if the toy take him in the head giue her to vnderstand that it is better for her to obey him then her Superiour yea and he will doe it without anie malice at all as conceauing that he is in the right And now she being a Religious woeman will be likelie enough to thinke that he sayes true And if she be a married woeman he will tell her that it is best for her euen when she ought to be about her House-hold businesses to exercise her self in Prayer though it were to be to the disgust of her husband So that she knowes not how to dispose of her time nor of her businesses in such sort as that all may goe according to reason and truth because in fine that Directour wants light and not hauing any himself he cannot giue it to others though he would neuer so faine And though in order to this end it seem that there is no great need of Learning yet as for me my opinion both is and euer will be that all Christians shall doe well to treat with such men about their Soules as are well learned and so much the more so much the better and they who goe by the way of Prayer haue yet more need then others to meet with such men and so the more they shall be also Spirituall the better will it be for them still And let not folkes deceaue themselues with saying That learned men without the exercise of Prayer are not to the purpose for them who vse Prayer for I haue dealt with manie and for some of these latter yeares I haue endeauoured it the more because then I found my self in more necessitie But I was euer much a freind of learned men for though some of them haue not experience yet they hate not Spirituall people nor are not ignorant what these things meane because they euer find this truth that there is such a thing as a good Spirit by holie Scripture wherein they are continually versed And as for me I hold that a person who exercises Prayer and will treat with learned men shall neuer be deceaued by illusions of the Diuel if he haue not a minde to deceaue himself For I belieue that the Diuel is mightily afrayd of Learning whensoeuer it is accompanied with Humilitie and Vertue for he knowes that he shall be discouered in the end and that so he shall come to loose by the bargaine And now I haue sayd thus much because I know there are opinions that learned men are not fitt for persons of Prayer vnlesse they be also of Spirit Already I haue signifyed that it would be necessarie to haue a Spirituall Directour but if he proue not to be learned the inconuenience will be great yet it will be of much help to treat with learned men so that they be vertuous for though they be not Spirituall as in this case we vnderstād Spirituall they will yet be able to benefit vs and God will vouchsafe to enable them to teach vs yea and so may perhaps by degrees grow euen to make them also become Spirituall to the end that they may be able to instruct vs the better And I speake not this without some tryall for the occasion hath hapned to me with more then two I say therefore that if a Soule resolue to render it self to be entirely subiect to the order of anie one Directour she shall err very much vnlesse she procure in particular manner that he be learned especially if he be a Religious man of anie Order Because such an one is to be subiect to his Prelate or Superiour and in that case peraduenture all those three aforesayd parts which were sayd to be so necessarie for a Directour will be wanting to him which will be no little crosse to the Partie besides that he may perhaps find himself to haue voluntarily submitted his Vnderstanding to that of another man who hath no very good one himself At least forasmuch as concernes me I was neuer able to bring my self to it nor indeed doe I hold it conuenient But now if the Partie of whome we speake be a Secular person let him blesse Almightie God that himself may make choice of that man to whome he will resolue to subiect himself and let him take care not to loose this vertuous libertie Nay let him euen stay without anie Directour at all till he find a fitt one for our Lord will not faile to prouide him such an one if he goe wholy grounded in Humilitie and with desire to make a fitt choice For my part I praise a fitt Directour very much and woemen and such men also as are not learned were alwaies to giue God infinit thankes for that there are some in the world who take so great paines and trouble to obtaine the knowledge of truth whereof such as be not learned are ignorant And it amazes me manie times to see Religious men who are learned and particularly to consider with how much trouble they grew to gaine all that knowledge which is to bring me so much profit without anie more trouble of mine then only to aske them the question and yet that we should not benefit our selues by it But let not God permit that still it should continue to be so For I see them subiect to the troubles and mortifications of a Religious Life which are very great with Pennances with ill Diet with hard Lodging with being subiect in all things to Obedience and in fine I so perceaue that all is affliction and all Crosse that really the thought thereof doth cast me sometimes into confusion and me thinkes it must be a great miserie that anie bodie should loose so important a benefit by his owne fault It is possible that some of vs who are free from these austerities whereof I speake or at least if we feed vpon them we will needs haue them finely dressed after our owne fancie and so will liue as we list ourselues conceaue that
heer of what it might import if such persons were to preach or teach others for then it would be fitt to serue themselues of that aduantage towards the assisting of their neighbours to that good and to help also poore people who know very little like me For Charitie is a very great matter and so is this helping soules forward so that alwaies it be done purely for God But now in these times of possessing this great Quiet let the Soule be suffered to remaine in rest with her true repose and let Learning be layd aside for time will come afterward when it will fall-out to be held in so high account that they would by no meanes haue missed that treasure of knowledge if it were but only for the power it giues them to doe more and better seruice to his Diuine Maiestie for it assists very much in order to that excellent end But yet belieue me still that in the presence of that Infinit Wisdome a very little attention to exercise Humilitie one single act of that vertue is more worth then all the knowledge of the whole world For heer there is no roome for disputing of Questions or arguing Cases but only to know with truth and plainenes what we are to represent our selues with great simplicitie in the sight of Almightie God who desires that the Soule should make her self as very ignorant and sillie as in verie deed she is when once she comes to appeare in his presence since his Diuine Maiestie descends so much below himself as to endure her neer his owne person all we being that which we are The Vnderstanding will also moue it self heer to giue certaine thankes to Almightie God which may be handsomely ordered and composed but the Will with a certaine kinde of Quiet and peace and with a not daring like the Publican of the Gospell so much as lift-vp her eyes payes yet more retribution of thankes then the Vnderstanding perhaps knowes how to doe with reuoluing all the Rhetorick in the world But in fine we are not totally in this case to forbeare to make Mentall Prayer no nor yet sometimes to vse some Vocall Words if we will and can And I say can because if the Quiet be great and deep they will hardly enough be able to speake without making it cost them much paine In my opinion we may well vnderstand when this is of the Spirit of Almightie God and when it happens to be procured by our selues though it be vpon a beginning of that deuotion which God giues vs. For when as I haue sayd wee will needs resolue our selues of our selues to procure to passe on to this possessing the Quiet of the Will it vses to worke no good effect at all but quickly ends and leaues nothing but drynes behind it And if it chance to proceed from the Diuel a Soule which is exercised in this kind will I belieue grow easily to vnderstand it for in that case it will leaue a certaine kind of disquiet and little affection to Humilitie and an vntoward disposition in order to the producing of those effects which the Spirit of Almightie God is wont to breed nor doth it also leaue either light in the Vnderstanding or a constant loue of truth in the Will And this will doe a Soule either very little hurt or none at all if she direct and addresse the suauitie and delight which then she feeles to the glorie of Almightie God and if she lodge her thoughts and desires vpon him as I haue formerly aduised the Diuel will gaine little by the bargaine Nay rather Almightie God will so dispose of things that he shall loose much euen by that verie delight which he causes in her Soule for this verie delight shall be a meanes to make that Soule which conceaues that it proceeds from God to come againe often to Prayer with desire to receaue more delight Or els if the Soule be very humble and not withall very curious nor very much interessed in taking delights though euen they be spirituall but be indeed a true friend to the Crosse she will make very little account of anie gust which the Diuel can giue her which yet she shall neuer be able to doe if indeed it be the Spirit of God for in that case she will euer be sure to hold it in verie high account Now when the Diuel propounds such a busines since he is all made of Lyes whensoeuer he sees a Soule abase and humble her self by meanes of that delight and gust which she receaues for indeed we are to haue very great care to procure to proue very humble vpon all the occasions of Prayer and gusts the Diuel will not returne to tempt vs very often when he cōsiders how much he looses by the endeauour For this reason and vpon manie other considerations did I aduertise in the First Degree and State of Prayer which answers to the First way of drawing Water in the Garden that it is a principall busines when the Soule is entring first vpon Prayer to beginne to vntye her self from the desyre of all kinde of sensible contentment and to enter vpon this onlie resolution to help our Lord IESVS to carrie his Crosse like good Caualliers who are resolued to serue their King without wages since they are so sure of him as they are And we are also still to carrie our eyes vpon that true and euerlasting Kingdome which we procure to acquire It is a very great point to haue this euer in view and especially in the beginnings for afterwards it is seen so very clearly that it may rather be fitt to forget it to the end that we may be able euen to liue then procure to be remembring that the world is to last very little and that all in fine is nothing and that heer the ease and rest which we can haue is to be esteemed for nothing This may seem to be a very poore and base consideration and so indeed it is for they who haue proceeded to more perfection would take it for an affront and would euen blush and be ashamed amongst thēselues if they thought they forsooke the goods of this world because they must come once to haue an end For although those goods were to last alwaies they would yet reioyce to leaue them for the loue of our Lord and still the more perfect they were they would reioyce so much the more yea the more also would they reioyce the longer they belieued they were to last In these men this Loue is already growne-vp to strength and it is this which workes most but for such as are but Beginners it is a point of highest importance and they must by no meanes hold it for low to be content to leaue all gusts for God For the benefits which are gained by this cōsideration are great and therefore doe I aduise it so much Nay euen those others who are most eleuated and accomplished in Prayer will haue
need also of such considerations as these And there are times when Almightie God will try them nay it will seem as if this Diuine Maiestie would forsake them For as I haue sayd already and I would faine not haue it be forgotten the Soule in this life which we liue encreases not as the Bodie doth though yet we say it doe and really it doth encrease but yet a Child after he is growne and become tall and proues to be already a man returnes not to decrease againe and to haue a little bodie Yet now in the point of a Soule our Lord will haue it be otherwise by what I haue seen of my self for I know it not in respect of others and it ought to humble vs for our owne greater good and to the end also that we may not be negligent as long as we shall be in this bannishment since he who is highest in vertue shall doe well to feare himself most and to trust himself least The times perhaps may come when euen they who haue their Will so conforme to the Holie Will of Almightie God that they would rather be tormented and endure a thousand deaths then swarue from it shall doe well to be in doubt that euen they may grow to fall into some great offence of his Diuine Maiestie And so there are certaine times when they shall see themselues so assaulted by temptations and persecutions that to the end they may not commit grosse sinnes they will haue need to serue themselues of the First Defensiue weapons of Prayer and returne to remember and consider that all the world is finally to end and that there is a Heauen and a Hell and to vse such considerations as these But now returning to what I was saying a great foundation it is for being freed from the subtle enterprises and gusts which the Diuel is wont to giue to beginne with a firme purpose at the verie first to walke in the way of the Crosse and to desire no such thing as gusts since our Lord himself shewed this way of perfection by saying Take thou vp thy Crosse and follovv me For he is to be our Patterne and whosoeuer shall follow his counsels and that for no other reason then to content him may be sure that he shall haue nothing to feare And by the spirituall profit which they shall finde in themselues they will easily come to know that the Diuel had no hand therein and though they should euen returne to fall againe there will yet remaine one signe that our Lord had been there which is That they will quickly rise againe besides these others which I shall now declare When it is the Spirit of Almightie God there will be no need at all to goe in Quest and Sent after certaine reasons to draw humilitie and confusion from thence For our Blessed Lord himself is wont to impart it in those cases after a very different manner from that which our selues can procure by anie prettie little considerations of our owne all which are nothing in comparison of a certaine true Humilitie that comes along with a light which our Lord instructs vs in heer and which breeds such a reall confusion in vs as euen doth ētirely defeat vs. And the knowledge which Almightie God is wont to giue vs to the end that we may perfectly vnderstand that we haue no good at all of our selues is a thing very sufficiently perceaued and still so much the more as we receaue the higher Fauours from his hands It also imparts to a man a very great desire to proceed in Prayer and he will not giue it ouer for anie trouble which may possibly succeed to him He offers himself and is readie to endure all things He hath also a kind of assured hope that he shall be saued though yet still not without humilitie and feare By this time he also instantly forsakes all kind of seruile feare of his Soule and it giues a great deale of growth to a Filiall feare in stead thereof He sees that now he beginns to beare a certaine loue towards Almightie God which is farre from anie interest of his owne he couets to get times for Solitude that so he may haue the better oportunitie to enioy that good In fine that I may not wearie my self too much this is a direct beginning of all good things a State wherein the Flowers are now vpon the verie point to blossome And all this the Soule sees very clearly and can by no meanes at that time conceaue but that God was and will be with her till such time as she shall returne to find her self guiltie of faylings and imperfections towards him for in that case she feares all things and it is fitt that she doe so Though yet there are Soules in the world to which it proues more vsefull to beleiue for a most certaine truth that they are well with Almightie God then all the feares of the world are able to giue them For if the Soule in her self be apt to be enamoured and gratefull the memorie of that great Fauour which God did her will be of more power to make her returne to his Diuine Maiestie then all the torments of Hell which they can possibly be euer able to represent At least as wicked as I am it hapned after this manner to me Now as for the signes of a good Spirit I will speake of them heerafter more at large for now I cannot doe it since it costs me so much trouble of manie kindes to get them written our faire and I belieue that with the fauour of our Lord I may be able to hitt right in this kinde for besides the experience which I haue whereby I came to vnderstand manie things I know somewhat by meanes of some learned men who indeed are very learned and of some person 's also who are very holie to whome it is great reason to giue beleif And therefore let not other Soules be so very much afflicted and vexed as I haue been when once through the goodnes of Almightie God they shall be come on so farre as to find themselues in this State THE SIXTEENTH CHAPTER She treats of the Third Degree of Prayer and goes declaring some very high points and vvhat a Soule vvhich ariues thus farre may be able to doe and vvhat effects these so great Fauours of our Lord are accustomed to vvorke The sense heerof is very fitt to raise the Spirit high in the praises of Almightie God and it is also of great consolation for the Soule vvhich ariues to this State LEt vs now come to speake of the Third Water wherewith this Garden is watered for this is a running Water of a Riuer or Spring and it waters it with much lesse labour though yet the distribution thereof causes some Our Lord will heer so help the Gardner that in some sort he will be as it were the Gardner himself and in effect the Doer of all This is
Soule did at that time And our Lord sayd this to me in these words It doth my Daughter dissolue and defeat it self to be so the more ingulfed in me for novv it is no longer she vvho liues but I and since she cannot cōprehend that vvhich she vnderstands her very vnderstanding it after a kind of Morrall vvay vvhich she doth is really a not vnderstanding it after a strict comprehensiue vvay vvhich she is not able to doe He who shall haue had triall of this by experience will be able to ariue to the expression of some part therof but as for me I cannot deliuer that more clearly which passes heer since it is so very obscure I can only say that in this case their being then so close to Almightie God is represented to them and there remaines such a kinde of certaintie therof that it cannot possibly faile to be beleiued And now heer all the Powers of the Soule fall short of operation and are suspended in such sort that by no meanes as I haue sayd it can possibly be vnderstood that they worke If she were thinking of some Mysterie it is instantly so forgottē as if there had neuer beē anie such thought If she were reading there is no remembrance of it nor yet of pawsing and if praying vocally in like manner So that now this importunate little Gnatt of the Memorie hath her wings burnt heer and can now no longer spring-vp nor stirre The Will also is now employed all in louing though it vnderstād not how it loues The Vnderstanding if it vnderstand it is not yet vnderstood how it vnderstands and at least it can comprehend nothing of that which it vnderstands To me it doth not seem that it vnderstands because as I was saying it is not vnderstood and for my part I attaine not to vnderstand all this At the first I chanced to be in so great an ignorance as not to know that Almightie God was in all things and considering how very present I conceiued him to be to me it seemed impossible for me to beleiue the cōtrarie To leaue therefore to beleiue that he was there I could not because it seemed to me as it were apparantly and clearly that I had vnderstood his verie Presence to be there Some men who were not learned told me that he was only there by his Grace which still I could not possibly beleiue because as I was saying I held him to be directly present otherwise and thus I cōtinued with some trouble But at length a great learned man of the Order of the Glorious S. Dominick freed me from this doubt and told me not only that he was present but that he also communicated himself to vs which comforted me very much But now it is heer to be noted and vnderstood that this Celestiall Water is alwaies a most eminent Fauour of our Lord and giues the Soule excessiuely great aduantages as I shall now declare THE NINETEENTH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse and beginnes to declare the effects vvhich this Degree of Prayer vvorkes in the Soule She persvvades men earnestly not to turne back nor to giue-ouer their Prayer though they should happen to fall euen after they had receaued these Fauours She speakes of the great harme vvhich vvill ariue to them if they doe othervvise This Discourse is much to be noted and it is of great consolation for vveake persons and Sinners THe Soule doth in this Prayer and Vnion remaine with an excessiue kind of tendernes in such sort that she would faine euen defeat and dissolue her self not through paine or trouble but by abundance of teares of ioy wherein she is bathed without so much as feeling or knowing how or when she wept them It giues her a great delight to find the impetuous force of that fire appeased and allayed by Water which yet makes it encrease so much the more This language of mine may seem to be a kind of gibberidge but yet thus stands the case It hath hapned to me sometimes when I was in this part of this Prayer to be so wholy out of my self as that I knew not whether I were awake or asleep or whether in verie deed I had been in that glorie which I felt and whether it were true that I was indeed so all bathed in water which distilled with such force and speed from mine eyes that it seemed as if a very Clowde of Heauen had rayned it downe but in fine I found that it was no dreame This hapned to be in the beginnings of this Prayer and it passed quickly ouer But the Soule remaines so couragious thereby that if it were possible for her to be cut into a thousand peices for God's sake it would be of extreame consolation to her And now heer come in all her promises her heroicall resolutions the liuelie efficacie of her desires her beginning to abhorre the world her clearlie discerning her owne vanitie and all this much more perfectly and more highly then it hapned in anie of her former Prayers Her humilitie is also growne much stronger for now she very clearly discernes that no diligence at all of her owne was anie peice of a cause for bringing her that excessiue and incomparable Fauour nor for making her enioy the same She sees now clearly that she is a most vnworthie Creature for in anie roome where there enters a strong and cleare Sunne-Beame there is not the least and thinnest Cobweb which can lye hid She now lookes very clearly vpon her owne miserie and now she is so very free from Vaine-Glorie that it seems a kind of impossible thing for her to haue anie because now already she hath it euen in her verie eye how little she is able to performe or rather in verie deed that it is iust nothing at all and that in this case there was hardly so much as anie cōsent of hers but that it seems that euen whether she would or no they shut the gates of all her Senses vp to the end that she might so the better enioy her Lord and that now since she remaines all alone with him what can she haue to doe but to loue him She neither can see nor heare vnlesse she be made to doe so as it were by very strong hand and therefore there is little for which to thanke her Her former life growes then to be represented to her with perfect truth togeather with the great mercie of Almightie God And all this occurrs to her without anie necessitie at all that her Vnderstanding should now goe hunting after it For there doth she already find all this kind of food readie dressed for her to vnderstād and eat Of her self she sees very well that she deserues Hell-Fire and that now in stead therof they giue her no other punishment then glorie And therefore she doth now euen consume her self in the prayses of Almightie God and now would I be glad euen to consume my self so Blessed be thou O
with them and if I could tell how and especially if I thought that they would beleiue me for I recommend them very much to Almightie God and I wish that it might doe them good When a bodie resolues to venture his life he may in effect doe what he lists and I desire very often to loose mine for that were to venture little for the gaining of much But now one may thinke that there is scarce anie Creature in the world who indeed liues cōsidering how grossly visible that great deceipt and errour is which we carrie about vs and with what blindnes we conuerse in this world But when once the Soule comes to the passe of this Water they are not bare desires which she carries for the seruice of Almightie God for then his Diuine Maiestie giues her strength also to put them in execution Nor can there anie such thing be once represented to her wherein she may thinke to serue him vpon which she will not cast her self all at once and yet she will thinke all the while that she is doing nothing for now she sees very clearly that all things are meerly nothing which concerne not the giuing gust to Almightie God The onlie trouble in this case is that there is nothing indeed deseruing truly the name of trouble which will offer it self to anie such person as is so very vnprofitable as I am But be thou O my eternall Good so well pleased as that once some such little moment of time may occurr as wherein I may be able to pay the least imaginable crumme of all that great seruice which I owe thee Ordaine thou things O my Lord in what sort thou wilt so that yet this poore creature of thine may once be able to pay thee some little seruice There haue been other manner of woemen in the world who haue done heroicall things for loue of thee but I am good for nothing but to prate and so it is not thy pleasure O my Lord to employ me about putting anie thing in execution but that all the seruice which I am to doe thee must passe away in words and desires yea and euen I haue not libertie in this little and peraduenture I should be faultie in all But strengthen thou my Soule and dispose of it first O thou the Good of all Goods my deare Iesus and then ordaine things in such sort as that I may once be able to doe somewhat for thee and that there may be no such Creature in the world as should endure to receiue so much and yet withall to pay nothing Let it cost O my Lord what it can but let not these hands of mine appeare alwaies so very emptie in thy presence since Rewards are to be set-out and giuen according to the Workes Behold heer is my Life heer is my Honour and heer is my Will and thou knowest that I haue giuen it all to thee and am entirely thine and therefore dispose of me according to thine owne good pleasure I see O my Lord very well how little I am able to execute but yet being now come to thee and hauing mounted-vp to this Tower from which Truths are truly discouered if thou depart not from me there is nothing which I shall not be able to performe and yet if thou depart how little soeuer that may be I am to goe where I was which is into a kind of being in Hell O what it is for a Soule which findes her self in such condition as this to be put to returne againe to conuerse in the world and to behold and see the Antick and fantasticall Puppet-Playes of this life which are so ridiculously ordered and to spend time in complying with this Bodie of ours both by sleeping and eating for all this wearies the Soule which knowes not how to scape from thence but finds it self to be surprized and enchained It then sees much more euidently the true captiuitie wherein we remaine by the verie condition of these Bodies of ours and by the miserie of these liues which we leade and then we come to know very well the much reason which S. Paul had to beseech Almightie God to deliuer him from it wherein he cryes-out alowd and beggs libertie of his Diuine Maiestie as I haue formerly sayd But now this is often done with so very great impulse of minde that the Soule would euen faine get out of the Bodie in pursuite of this libertie and in the meane time since she cannot be freed she walkes vp and downe the world like one who were sold for some Slaue to serue and play the Drudge in a strange Country And that which afflicts her yet more is that she knowes not how to meet with manie who will be so well disposed as to lament with her and to desire that which she desires for they ordinarily desire but to liue O that once we might be vntyed from all things and that we might not place our contentment in anie thing of this world How would then that paine which we should find to be liuing alwaies without God appease and temper the feare of death through the desire which by this meanes we should haue of attaining to the fruition of eternall life Sometimes when I am considering how such a Creature as I to whome our Lord hath giuen this light with such an imperfect kind of charitie as I possesse and with so poore repose as I enioy since my life hath deserued no better can yet so often find my self in distresse for being in this bannishment of mine I may easily grow to imagine what kind of sense and feeling that would be which Saints haue had in this case and what kind of commotion a S. Paul and a S. Marie Magdalen and such others like them would find in themselues in whome the fire of the Loue of Almightie God did raigne It must certainly haue been a continuall Martyrdome to them To me it seemes that all the ease or rather indeed absence of paine which I might be able to find in this world were but to treat with some such persons as in whome I might be able to meet with such desires as these I say desires with deeds and I say yet againe with deeds For there are certaine people in the world who if you will beleiue themselues are absolutly vntyed from the world so they publish that they are and so indeed it is very fitt they were because euen their verie profession and condition requires as much and so also doe those manie yeares since they beganne to enter into the way of Perfection But yet this Soule of mine knowes well how to find a difference euen from farre off between such as desire these things but in words and such others as confirme their words by their workes For she knowes how to vnderstand very well the little good which these doe in the world and the much which is done by those others and indeed this is such a kind of thing as
Benedictions and he will addresse your life by your Meditation vpon his for he is the best Originall and Patterne which we can possibly haue And indeed what can we desire more then to haue so perfect a Freind at hand who will neuer giue vs ouer in our afflictions and tribalations as they of this world are wont to doe Most Blessed is that man who loues him with all sinceritie of truth and who is alwaies carrying him close to himself Let vs looke vpon the Glorious S. Paul who seemes as if he could not suffer that euer the name of Iesus should be able to fall often enough from his mouth as one who did not faile to carrie it well imprinted vpon his hart And since I vnderstood of that other abstracted course whereof I spoke I haue reflected vpon diuerse great Contemplatiue Saints with much care and I find that they went no other way then this S. Francis she wes it plainly by the Wounds S. Anthonie of Padua by the Infant S. Bernard delighted himself much in the Humanitie of our Blessed Lord and so also did S. Katherine of Sienna togeather with manie other Saints as your Reuerence knowes better then I. This departing and abstracting ones self from all Corporeall Obiects should as it seemes be good since persons who are so Spirituall affirme it but yet in my opinion this must be vnderstood of Soules who are very Proficient in Spirit for till then it is euident enough that the Creatour is to be sought by meanes of the Creatures But yet I will vndertake nothing in this case since all depends vpon the Fauour which our Lord is pleased to shew to anie Soule That which I would faine giue to be vnderstood is that the most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord must not be made to come into that account and let this point be well vnderstood wherein I would faine know how to declare my self When God is pleased to suspend all the Powers of the Soule in those kindes of Prayer which are related we haue seen plainly that this Presence of Christ our Lord is taken from vs whether we will or no and let it then be gone in a good hower for that kind of losse is a happie one whereby we come to enioy more of that which we conceiue our selues to haue lost for then the Soule employes her self wholy vpon louing him whome the Vnderstanding hath already endeauoured to know and she loues that which she did not fully comprehend and now ioyes in that wherein she could not also haue ioyed but only by loosing her self for her greater gaine But now that we should by tricks and of sett-purpose accustome our selues not to procure with our whole power to carrie alwaies in our eyes and I would to God it were alwaies this most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord this I say is that which I like not since it is a way of making the Soule walke in the Ayre as we vse to say For it seemes that she hath no firme and stable resting-place howsoeuer she may make her self beleiue that she is full of God It is a great matter whilst we liue and are humane to procure to bring God to our selues Humane for this is that other inconuenience which I say there is for the first I beganne to say was a little want of humilitie in presuming to raise the Soule before our Lord raised her and not to content her self with meditating vpon a thing so pretious but that she will needs be a Marie before she haue taken the paines of Martha If our Lord himself be pleased that we be Marie there will be nothing to be feared though it should be vpon the verie first day of our doing him Seruice But yet let vs consider well of the matter as I thinke I was saying before for this small moate of little humilitie will make a shift to doe a great deale of hurt against profiting in the way of Contemplation But to returne now to the Second point We are no Angells but we haue Bodies and to desire to make our selues Angells whilst yet we are vpon earth and especially if they be so earthlie as I was is a kinde of follie or madnes But our thoughts in the ordinarie way haue need of a kind of leaning or resting-place though yet sometimes the Soule may goe so out of her self yea and manie times may be so full of Almightie God that perhaps she hath no neęd to recollect her self by meanes of anie thing created But this is not a thing so ordinarie and in businesses and persecutions and troubles when she cannot enioy so much Quiet and in the times also of Drynesse and dulnesse Christ our Lord is wont to be a very good freind For we consider him as man and we behold him full of weaknesses and afflictions and he is companie fitt for all good occasions and when once we are a little accustomed we shall finde him very easily kept close to vs though yet some such times will occurr as that we shall not be able to doe neither the one nor the other Vpon this reason it will be well to doe that whereof I haue spoken already namely not to pretend and procure any sensible consolation of Spirit but let anie thing ariue that will for it is no toy or trifle to embrace the Crosse of our Lord. This Lord of ours was forsaken by all manner of comfort and they left him all alone in his afflictions but yet let not vs doe so For he will reach vs his hand which can raise vs better vp then all our owne diligences would haue been able to doe and yet he will absent himself also when he shall thinke fitt and when he shall thinke it fitt he will also draw the Soule out of it self as I haue sayd before Our Lord is very well pleased to see a Soule with Humilitie introduce his Sonne for her Intercessour and he loues her so very much that euen when his Diuine Maiestie shall haue an inclination to raise her-vp to great Contemplation the same Soule may yet hold her self vnworthie and cry out with S. Peter Depart from me O my Lord for I am a sinnefull man I haue tryed this verie thing by experience and thus hath God conducted my Soule Let others therefore goe by some other short cutt as they please but that which I haue been able to vnderstand is that all this Ciment of Prayer is grounded vpon Humilitie and that the more the Soule is abased in that holie exercise the more is it exalted by Almightie God Nor doe I remember that euer he shewed me anie of those singular Mercies of which I shall speake afterward but when I found my Soule euen as it were annihilated with obseruing my self to be so very wicked Yea and sometimes his Diuine Maiestie tooke care to giue me to vnderstand certaine things towards the making me know my self so much the better which I could neuer haue told how to
imagine But I am of opinion that when the Soule doth anie thing on her part to help her self on as afforesayd towards that Prayer of Vnion how soeuer for the present it may seem to doe good yet the building will quickly fall as wanting anie sound foundation and I am afrayd that she will neuer ariue to true Pouertie of Spirit which consists in not desiring so much as comfort or gust in Prayer for all those of this world are forsaken already except consolation in affliction and that for loue of him who euer liued in them but to remaine also quiet in those verie afflictiōs and aridities for though they faile not to haue some little trouble thereat yet is it not so farre as to giue them anie such disquiet and paine as some giue themselues by conceiuing that if they be not alwaies labouring with their Vnderstanding and to haue sensible deuotion all is lost as if they could deserue so great a good by the paines they take I say not that they should not procure and maintaine themselues with much care in the Presence of Almightie God but if yet they be not able to obtaine no not so much as one good thought as I haue sayd els where yet let them not torment themselues because we all are vnprofitable Seruants what can we conceiue that wee shall be euer able to doe Our Lord is much better pleased that we may come to know this truth and that we may hold our selues fitt to be treated like some poore little Asses to turne that wheele about whereby the sayd Water is to be gotten who though they be put in blindfold doe not so much as know what they doe will yet get-vp more water then the Gardner with all the diligences he can vse No we must walke in this way with libertie of Spirit put our selues into the hands of Almighty God If his Diuine Maiestie shall be pleased to aduance vs to be of his Chamber Councell we must goe with a good will but if not we must be content to serue in inferiour employments and not to seate our selues in the best place as I haue sayd els where Almightie God hath more care of vs then we haue of our selues and knowes for what euerie bodie is fitt and for what therefore doth it serue for him to gouerne himself when already the whole Will is disposed of and giuen away to Almightie God In my opinion it is lesse to be tollerated or endured heer then in the First Degree of Prayer and it doth vsmuch more harme if any such errour be committed by vs for these are Supernaturall blessings If a man haue an ill voice how much soeuer he shall enforce himself to sing the voice will not be made good by it but if God shall once haue made it good he needes not be crying out before hand Let vs therefore alwaies humbly pray him to shew vs fauour let the Soule be wholy resigned but yet withall confiding in the greatnes of God And now when she hath gotten leaue to remaine at the feet of Christ our Lord let her not stirre from thence but continue in what sort soeuer it may be and let her imitate the Magdalena for when he shall find her strong he will take her vp with him to the Desert So that your Reuerēce shall doe well to keepe your self in this way till you meet with some other who may haue more experience then I and may know it better Only if they be persons who were but beginning to haue gust in Almightie God doe not beleiue them for they conceiue that they profit themselues more and haue more gust when they helpe themselues in such sort as is declared before O how Almightie God comes clearly and openly enough in without these little prettie helpes when he hath a minde to it and so as that whether we will or no he eleuates and hurries-away the Spirit euen as some Giant would dispose of a straw and so as that no resistance can be thought of But what a kind of impertinency is it for a man to beleiue that whensoeuer he lists a Toade should be made able to flye of it self And I hold it to be a more difficult and absurd kind of thing that the Spirit should be able to raise and exalt it self without being exalted and raised by Almightie God for it is all loaden with earth and with a thousand impediments and it will proue to be of little vse to it that it haue a minde to flye for though flying be more naturall to a Soule then to a Toade yet this Soule is already all plunged in a great bed of dutt myre as haueing lost that other qualitie by her owne fault I will therefore conclude with this that whensoeuer we dispose our selues to thinke and meditate vpon Christ our Lord we must remember the loue wherewith he did vs so manie Fauours and now greatly Almightie God was pleased to shew it to vs by giuing vs so high a pledge and pawne of his loue for one loue begetts and breeds another And though we should he meer poore beginners in this holie exercise and though we should withall be very wicked yet let vs still procure to be looking vpon this Obiect and still be stirring our selues vp to loue For if once our Blessed Lord vouchsafe to imprint this loue into our harts all things will grow easie to vs and we shall quickly fall to worke and that without anie trouble to our selues at all I beseech his Diuine Maiestie that he will vouchsafe to bestow it vpon vs since he knowes how very much the same imports vs for we beggit by the great loue which he bore to vs and for the sake of his Glorious Sonne who also loued vs all so extreamly to his owne cost Amen One thing I would faine aske your Reuerence how our Lord beginning to doe Fauours to a Soule and those so eminent and high as to bring her to perfect Contemplation which Soule were therefore in all reason to grow and remaine entirely perfect euen at that instant for certainly it ought to be so since whosoeuer receiues so very great blessings from Heauē should be extreamly farre from careing for anie such delights as concerne this life can possibly bring to passe that when she growes to haue Rapts and so to receiue more Fauours higher Effects thereof and that so much the more as she falls-out to be more vntyed from the world and considering yet withall how in the very first instant when our Lord ariues to a Soule he can leaue her entirely sanctifyed how I say our Lord can abandon this Soule afterward in processe of time without maintaining it in the perfection of vertue This I say would I very faine know for I vnderstand it not yet though I know well that it is a very different case what proportion of strength Almightie God leaues in a Soule when his visitation at the first
hath anie experience will find that euerie word of this which I haue sayd is litterally certaine and I blesse Almightie God for enabling me to declare it as I haue done And now I end this part of the Discourse with saying that me thinkes when such Words proceed from our owne Vnderstanding we may easily come to know it if we haue a minde to it and euerie time that we are in Prayer we shall conceiue that we vnderstand them But in this other kind of Words or Speeches it is not so for it will be manie dayes wherein though I should desire to vnderstand somewhat of that kind it would be absolutly impossible and when at other times I haue no thought that way I must yet vnderstand it as I haue sayd And me thinkes that whosoeuer had a minde to deceiue others affirming himself to vnderstand that from Almightie God which is from himself might as well and it would cost him as little affirme that he heard it with his eares And it is a most certaine and reall truth that for my part I neuer thought that there was anie other way then that for the hearing and vnderstanding anie thing till I found in mine owne case that this which I haue now deliuered is true and it hath cost me as I sayd much trouble When these things proceed of the Diuel they doe not only not worke anie good effects but leaue also very ill ones behind them But this hath not hapned to me aboue twice or thrice and I haue instantly been aduertised by our Lord that they were of the Diuel And besides the great drynes which they leaue behind them they also giue the Soule much disquiet after the manner of those manie other times when our Lord hath permitted me to haue great temptations and troubles of Soule in different kindes and that I should often be tormented as I will declare heerafter But this is a certaine kind of disquiet of which we know not how to vnderstand from whence it comes but it seemes that the Soule resists it and is put into great disorder by it and is afflicted without knowing for what in regard that the Diuel saith that such or such a thing is not ill but good I conceiue that if one Spirit may be able to find and feele another the gust and delight which this Diabolicall Spirit giues is different in my opinion from the other after a most euident manner The Diuel may well deceiue some such person by giuing him gusts as neuer receiued anie before from Almightie God for these latter are gusts indeed which import a sweet strong well-imprinted quiet delightfull kind of pleasure and ioy for as for those little prettie deuotions of the Soule and certaine other slight feelings which be like little young flowers that are shaken off and lost vpon the least little wind of persecution I doe not call them Deuotions though yet they are good beginnings and holie motions but no way sufficient to determine whether the effects proceed from a good Spirit or a bad and therefore it will be very necessarie to walke in this kind of things with huge caution for such persons as shall not haue proceeded further in Prayer then thus farre may easily grow to be deceiued if they fall out to haue Visions or Reuelations For my part I neuer had of these last till God through his owne onlie goodnes gaue me Prayer of Vnion vnlesse it were that first time whereof I spoke and it hapned to me manie yeares agoe when I saw Christ our Lord and I would to God it had pleased his Diuine Maiestie that I had vnderstood at that time that it was a true Vision as I vnderstood it to be afterward for it would not haue been of small aduantage to me But now vpon these illusions of the Diuel there neuer growes any sweetnes or softnes and supplenes to the Soule but she remaines as if she were frighted and with much disgust And I hold it for very certaine that Almightie God will neuer permit the Diuel to deceiue anie Soule which puts no confidence at all in her self and which is fortifyed in the right Faith and resolues thus much for her part that she would dye a thousand deaths for the least Article thereof and who togeather with this Loue and Faith being infused into the Soule by Almightie God which is a Liuelie and strong Faith indeed procures alwayes to goe in conformitie with that which is taught by the Holie Catholique Church informing her selfe further by seuerall wayes as a person who is strongly seated in this truth That all the imaginable Reuelations of the whole world no not if she should see the verie Heauens open themselues could make her varie in the least point from the Doctrines and Decrees of the sayd Church But if she once come so farre as but to shake or wauer euen in one single thought against this or entertaine her self so farre as to say But novv if God himself say thus to me as he hath sayd such other things to Saints this may also be true I say not that she beleiue it but that the Diuel beginne to tempt her by this motion and that she be content to continue her self a little therein a bodie may see already that this is starke naught But for my part I beleiue that manie times euen these other first motions will hardly euer come so farre as euen but to set vpon such a Soule if she be already so strong as our Blessed Lord is wont to haue made such as to whome he vses to impart these Fauours For me thinkes she might be able to teare those Diuels euen to fitters whensoeuer there might be question of anie one single little Truth which the Church holds I say that if the Soule doe not find such a strength as this in her self and that the deuotion or Vision which she had doe not assist and help her-on therein let her not hold anie such Vision for safe because though the hurt of it be not instantly vnderstood it may perhaps grow by little and little to be great For to the vttermost of what I can discerne and know by experience the reputation and credit that such a thing is of the Spirit of God is setled and assured in such sort as that it also goes in conformitie to Holie Scripture And when it should be found to varie from this Rule though it were neuer so little I thinke I should be then much more sure without comparison that it were of the Diuel then now I haue assurance that it is of Almightie God how great soeuer I might find that assurance to be For in that case we should haue no need at all to goe in search after signes nor to enquire of what Spirit it were since this is so cleare a signe to make vs beleiue that it is of the Diuel that if all the world should endeauour to assure me that it were of God I would not beleiue it
Lord through his goodnes made me see it and shewed it me in a certaine Rapt of mine So also should it be heer in this world and that so Almightie God and the Soule might be able to vnderstand one another and that vpon this sole cause and reason in regard that his Diuine Maiestie is pleased that they shall doe so without anie other artifice or meanes that so the mutuall loue which these two deare freinds carrie to one another may be giuen by them to be mutually vnderstood Iust so as in this world when two persons loue one another very dearly and be endued with a good vnderstanding and witt they seem able to vnderstand themselues together euen without so much as signes and by only looking well vpon one another Thus ought it to be in our case since without our knowing expresly how these two Louers looke earnestly vpon one another in the face as the Spouse saith to his Beloued in the Canticles for so I thinke I haue heard that it is expressed there O admirable benignitie of thee O Lord who permittest thy self to be looked vpon by those eyes which haue abused their sight so much as these of my Soule haue done At least O my deare Lord let them now be accustomed after this sight of thee to looke no more vpon anie inferiour and base Obiects nor let anie thing be able to please them out of thee O great ingratitude of mortall Creatures how farre wilt thou be able to atiue For now I know euen by experience that this is litterally true which I am saying That whatsoeuer is possibly able to be expressed by me is no more then the verie least part of that Fauour which thou impartest to anie such Soule as thou vouchsafest to bring to such a State as this O Soules which haue begunne to vse Prayer and you who haue really Faith and firme Beleif what blessings and benefits are you possibly able to seeke and get which may anie way be compared euen to the least of those which are obtained by the Seruants of Almightie God euen in this mortall life of ours And consider for it is most certainly true that Almightie God imparts himself thus euen heer to such as forsake all things for loue of him For he is no accepter of persons and he loues all men nor hath anie one of them anie excuse how wicked soeuer he may haue been since our Lord hath proceeded after this manner euen with me and aduanced me to such a condition as you see Consider also that this which I am saying now is not so much as a little Cipher of that which were to be sayd but only so much is heer deliuered as is necessarie for the giuing this manner of Vision and Fauour which Almightie God is pleased to doe to a Soule to be in some sort vnderstood But now it is in no power of mine to declare that which she findes and feeles when our Lord is pleased to impart those secrets and greatnesses of his togeather with that delight which is so highly superiour to all those others which can possibly be imparted by this world and that they doe with a mightie deale of reason make them who possesse the same euen abhorre all the pleasures of the earth which when they be all clapt togeather are no better then meer dung and durt nay it is after a sort euen to giue one a Vomit to bring these into anie comparison at all with those others euen though they should be able to last for euer And yet of these Celestiall ioyes what kind of poore proportion of them is that which he is pleased to impart in this world No more then as it were one slight single drop of water of that huge full flowing Riuer which is prepared for vs in Heauen It is a verie shame scorne and really I employ it all against my self and if it were possible for Soules to be affronted euen in Heauen I should haue cause to find my self ashamed when I were there more then anie Creature to thinke that we should expect to enioy so great benedictions and delights and glorie as is to be infinit in that next Life and all at the onlie cost of our deare Lord IESVS And shall we not weep perhaps at least with the Daughters of Ierusalem since we will hot helpe him to carrie the Crosse as Simon Cyreneus did Or can we euer thinke of coming to enioy that by the way and meanes of pleasures and passe-times which he vouchsafed to get and gaine for vs vpon the price of his owne most pretious Bloud This is absolutly impossible And can we thinke by our aspiring to vaine Honour that we may be able to remedie and redresse that huge contempt and scorne which he endured for vs There is no manner of sense in anie such cōceipt No no the course is vtterly mistaken and we shall neuer be able to ariue at that iourneys end by anie such erroneous way as this Your Reuerence must cry-out alowd to make these truths be heard and beleiued by the world And since it hath pleased Almightie God to take this power and libertie from me I would alwaies be crying them out to my self but both he heard me and I came also to vnderstand him so very late as may be seen by what I haue written heer and it is no lesse then matter of extreame confusion to me to speake of it and therefore I will now hold my peace and for the present will only say that which I haue been considering sometimes which is that I humbly beseech Almightie God to bring me once to such tearmes as that I may enioy this immense Good O what an accidentall glorie and gust will it be for the Blessed Saints of Heauen who enioy this felicitie when they shall find that although it were late yet at length they left nothing vnperformed which it was possible for them to doe for the loue of Almightie God Nor did they faile to present him with the verie vttermost of whatsoeuer they could offer in all kindes according to the power which they had and to the condition wherein they were placed he giuing them still more who had more How rich will he then find himself to be who left all the riches he had for Christ our Lord How full of honour who reiected all honour and tooke no pleasure in anie other thing then to find himself abased and despised for the loue of him How wise will he see himself then who reioyced to see the world hold him for a foole since they called Wisdome it self by that name But how few of such as these are there now in the world by reason of our great Sinnes Alas it seemes that all they are spent and gone long agoe whome the world was wont to esteē for madd fooles when they saw them performe those heroicall acts of true Louers of Christ our Lord. O world O world How dost thou goe gaining Honour
an vnsupportable thing in my opinion and indeed it is a kind of picture in little or rather a patterne of Hell And this is most certainly so as our Lord himself was pleased to giue me to vnderstand once in a certaine Vision For heer the Soule doth euen burne her self vp of her self without her knowing either by whome or by what way she is set on fire or yet how to escape from thence or finally how to quench it for as for seeking to help her self by reading she will be able to profit by it no more then if she could not read at all It hapned to me one day to reade the Life of a Saint so to see if I could swallow the iuyce and substance thereof and thus to comfort my self with the consideration of what he had suffered and so I read half a dozen lines of it foure or fiue times ouer and yet though all were written in mine owne Mother-Toung I vnderstood them lesse in the end then I did in the beginning and so I gaue it ouer This hapned to me manie times but I more particularly remember this one To apply ones-self to conuersation in such times as these is yet worse for the Diuel fills vs then with such an vntoward and harsh kind of spirit of anger that it seemes to me that I could euen eate folkes vp since I can doe nothing els yea and me thinkes I acquitt my self well in that I forbeare to doe it and that God also shewes him who is in this case a particular Fauour in preseruing him from doing or saying somewhat against his Neighbour whereby he might preiudice him and offend Almightie God And now as for going to my Ghostlie Father at such times it is certaine which I shall heer relate and it hath hapned to me very often That notwithstanding they were some great Saints with whome I haue dealt and yet deale they vttered such harsh words and chidd me after so sharpe a manner that when afterward I would take occasion to repeate them in their owne hearing themselues would be euen amazed at themselues and they told me it was no longer in their power to doe otherwise For though they fully resolued within themselues not to doe it and at other times that they had not only compassion of me but euen a kind of scruple also in themselues to treat me thus when I was so full of affliction both in Bodie and Minde and though they had euen resolued to comfort me with much compassion and pittie yet in fine they were not able to doe it Not yet that they gaue me ill language in such sort as to offend Almightie God by it but they would vse words as full of disgust as could possibly be heard from Ghostlie Fathers But belike they intended to mortifye me which though at other times I could passe ouer or at least endure yet then it grew all to be a torment But yet sometimes I came also to be of opinion that euen I had deceaued them yea and my self would goe to them and aduise them in very great good earnest that they should take heed of me least I deceaued them Not but that I knew well enough that I would not doe it on set purpose and vpon designe nor tell them by anie meanes anie lye but the truth is I was affrayd of all things There was one who hearing of this temptation of mine aduised me not to be troubled at it for though I should haue a minde to cosen him yet he had witt enough to defend himself from me That which sometimes gaue me great comfort and as it were constantly or at least most ordinarily was that I vsed to haue some kind of respit after I had Communicated yea and sometimes euen in approaching to the Blessed Sacrament at the verie instant I should grow so very perfectly well both in Bodie and Soule that it did euen amaze me For it seemed to be no other thing then that all the darknesses of my Soule were dispersed and discharged at an instant and that vpon the approach of the Sunne I quickly came to discerne those fooleries wherein I had found my self all that while At other times by the hearing of some one word which our Lord was pleased to say to me and with only expressing himself thus Be not afflicted and be not afrayd as formerly I haue related I remained most perfectly well and sometimes by seeing some Vision I became as if I had neuer felt anie inconuenience And in those cases I would be entertaining and regaling my self with Almightie God and would euen kindly complaine to him against himself for permitting me to suffer so great torments though yet I must confesse that he had first meant to make me very good amends because these difficulties did neuer vse to ariue but after a great abundance of Fauours And me thinkes he ordaines things so to the end that the Soule may appeare like gold which comes refined and pure out of the Crusible and that so she may see our Lord in her self and then doe those troubles which ariue grow to be accounted little though they seem insupportable at the time And we desire that we may returne againe to suffer if our Lord may be serued the better by it yea and to admit also of more tribulations and persecutions Prouided alwayes that they may happen without offence of our Lord. Nay we rather will reioyce in suffering for him for all will in the end bring more profit though yet for my part I could neuer beare them as I ought but rather with abundance of imperfection At other times these troubles would come vpon me in other kindes and so as that me thinkes it is absolutly a kind of impossible thing for me to thinke then of anie thing which is good yea or so much as to desire to doe anie such thing for that I haue both a Bodie and a Soule which is absolutly vntoward and good for nothing But at those times I am not subiect to those other temptations and disquiets but only to a disgust in all things though I know not why so that nothing can giue contentment to my Soule And then I would be sometimes procuring to diuert and employ my self vpon the performing of some good workes in the exteriour way and I would doe so euen half whether my self would or no. But in fine I am come at length to know by such meanes as these how very little anie Soule is worth whensoeuer the grace of Almightie God is hidden from her And this kind of consideration vsed not to put me to anie trouble at all for the beholding mine owne basenes after this manner was wont to giue me a kind of satisfaction At other times I find my self so as that I am vtterly vnable to frame anie distinct or formed conceipt of Almightie God nor indeed of anie good thing after a stayd manner Nor am I able then to put my self in Prayer though I
desired for foure or fiue yeares togeather before her end and then she dyed vpon a suddaine without being so much as visited and much lesse Confessed But the happines was that according to the custome which she had held there was little more then eight dayes expired after her last Confession This made me a very glad woeman when I knew of her death and she stayed a very short time in Purgatorie Nor is it yet aboue eight dayes since our Lord appeared to me after I had receaued the Blessed Sacrament and was pleased to let me see how he carried my Sisters soule into glorie In all these yeares from the time when the particular concerning her was told me till her very death I forgot not that which had been giuen me to be vnderstood concerning her as neither also did my Companion For as soone as she had heard of my Sisters death she came towards me with much admiration to see how all had been fulfilled Let our Lord be praised for euer who vouchsafes to take such care of Soules to the end that they may not perish Amen THE FIVE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER She prosecutes the same Discourse about the Foundation of this House of our Glorious Father S. Ioseph She speakes of the degrees by vvhich our Lord came to appoint that holie Pouertie should be ordained there and of the cause vvhy she came from that Ladie vvith vvhome she vvas and of other things also vvhich succeeded BVt now whilst I was with that Ladie of whome I haue spoken and with whome I had remained more then half a yeare our Lord did so ordaine that a certaine holie woeman of our Order fell out to come from a place which was no lesse then three-score and then leagues off from this and to ariue heer and to lengthen her way by some leagues on purpose to speake with me Our Lord had moued her to this in the self-same yeare when he moued me to make another Monasterie of this Order And as soone as she had entertained this desire she sold whatsoeuer she possessed and went her self bare-foot to Rome to get and bring-away the Dispatch of this Busines This woeman is a person of much Pennance and Prayer and our Lord did her manie Fauours and our B. Ladie appeared to her and required her still to doe what she was doing and she serued our Blessed Lord so incomparably beyond anie thing that I could doe that I was in confusion euen to appeare in her presence She shewed me the Dispatches which she brought from Rome and in those fifteen dayes which she stayd with me we tooke order how we would make these Monasteries and till I had spoken with her it neuer had come to my knowledge that our Rule till it was relaxed did euer command that none of the Religious Houses of our Order should haue anie proprietie in anie goods Nor had my self had anie purpose to found anie Monasterie at all without Reuenue for my intention was that we should be free from the care of procuring anie such thing as we might be in necessitie to vse But this Blessed Woeman hauing been instructed by our Lord was growne to vnderstand that truth very well without being able so much as to read of which truth I was ignorant euen after haueing taken so much paines to read ouer the Constitutions of our Order And as soone as she acquainted me with her purpose I liked it well though yet I was afrayd that it would not be yeilded to but that they would say perhaps that these were but impertinencies and wish that I would not doe anie thing whereby others might be put to suffer through my fault Though yet in very deed if I had been alone I would not haue been detained one minute from doeing it since it would be a Regalo to my Soule to obserue follow the Counsailes of Iesus-Christ our Lord for really his Diuine Maiestie had already giuen me great desires to obserue Pouertie So that for my part I made no doubt but that this was best yea and I had long desired that it might be possible and compatible with my state that I might goe begging my bread for the loue of God without hauing so much as a house or anie thing els But only I was in feare that if our Blessed Lord should not giue the self-same desires to others which he gaue to me they would liue perhaps with disgust and consequently that it might proue a cause of some distraction or diuision For I saw that there were some poore Monasteries which liued not with much recollection and I considered not that their not being recollected was the cause of their being so poore and not their Pouertie the cause of their want of Recollection For distraction makes them not more rich nor is euer Almightie God wanting to such as serue him In fine my Faith was weake which that of this Seruant of God was not But now I who would be taking the opinion of so manie persons for euerie thing which I was to doe could find no bodie of this minde no nor euen my Ghostlie Father himself nor yet those other learned men whome I consulted in the case but they brought me so manie reasons against it that I knew not which way to turne my self For I for my part who knew already that it was the Rule of the order and knew also that it was a point of more perfection could not perswade my self to haue Reuenue And though sometimes they conuinced me towards their opinion yet still when I returned to Prayer and considered Christ our Lord so very poore and naked vpon the Crosse I was not able so much as to find patience for being rich But I humbly besought him with teares to ordaine things in such sort that I might be poore like him And I found so manie inconueniences euen in hauing Reuenue and found it to be so great a cause of disquiet yea and euen of distraction also that I did nothing but dispute the busines with those learned men I wrote also about it to that Religious man of S. Dominick's Order who assisted vs and he sent me two sheets of Paper which he had written by way of contradiction to me and he grounded himself in Theologie for the perswading me not to doe it yea and he told me that he had studied the point very well To which I answered him that for not following my Vocation and for not performing the Vow which I had made of Pouertie and embracing the Counsailes of Christ our Lord in all perfection I meant not to make vse of his Theologie nor of his Learning and therefore that in this case he might be pleased to excuse me For my part I was very glad when I found anie Creature who woud helpe me and the Ladie with whome I was assisted me particularly heerin There were others also who told me instantly at the first that they liked it well but afterward when they considered it better they
that I knew not what to doe with my self O that we would looke with attention vpon the things of this world for euerie bodie would then be quickly able to find by experience how little he were to lodge either his contentment or discontentment vpon it It is most certaine in my opinion that this was one of the feircest kind of fitts of affliction that euer I had endured in my whole life And it seemes as if my verie Spirit had half prophecied how much did still rest behind to be endured though yet that ariued not so farre as this if it had continued But now our Blessed Lord did not permit this poore Seruant of his to suffer long nor did he euer faile to succour me in my tribulations nor did he also in this For now he gaue me a little light wherewith to see that all this was of the Diuel and that I might discerne the truth and that the whole busines was but to put me into a fright by lyes and so I came by degrees to call to mind and to recouer the great resolutions which I had formerly conceaued towards the Seruice of our Blessed Lord as also my desires to suffer for him And so I grew also to consider that if really I intended to fulfill them I was not to busie my self about procuring rest and ease but if I would endure afflictions that this was the true way to merit and that if I would goe-through with them for the Seruice of Almightie God they would be in stead of Purgatorie for me of what was I afrayd that since I desired afflictions these which were offered now would be very fitt good and that where the greatest contradiction was felt the richest gaine would be found and why should my hart faile me for his Seruice to whome I owed so much And by these and other considerations and employing all the courage I had I made a promise in presence of the B. Sacrament to doe all the verie vttermost that I could to get leaue to come to this Monasterie as also if I might doe it with safe conscience to promise Clausure But now at my resoluing vpon this the Diuel fled instantly away and left me very quiet and contented and so I haue remained euer since And all that which is obserued in this House either by way of Inclosure or Pennance in anie kind hath made it self both very delightfull and seems very little And the contentment on the other side is so extreamly great that I am thinking seuerall times if I were able to find anie thing in the whole world which could be of so much gust to me as this I knew not also whether perhaps euen this might not be the true reason why I enioy better health now then euer or els that perhaps our Lord would haue it so because perhaps there might be some necessarie vse thereof and because it is but reason that I should also doe thosethings which are performed by all the rest and therefore that he is pleased to giue me so much comfort as to be able to doe it though yet it be with some little trouble But certainly all they who see it and are priuie to the great infirmities to which I am subiect be amazed at it Blessed be our Lord who giues it all and hath power enough wherewith to doe it But I failed not in the meane time to be very well wearied with such a stiffe contention and strife as this though yet I laughed at the Diuel for I clearly saw it was he And I conceaue that our Blessed Lord would permit it because I neuer knew till then what it was to be in anie disgust for being a Religious woeman Nor did I euer find anie during the space of eight and twentie yeares and more that I had been one But now his Diuine Maiestie permitted it to come vpon me to the end that I might the better vnderstand the great Fauour which it had pleased our Lord to doe me in that State yea and the torment from which he had freed me as also to the end that if afterward I saw anie one who should be afflicted in the same kind I might not be frighted at it but might both haue compassion of her and know also how to giue her comfort if there should be cause But now hauing passed this brunt and being desirous to rest a little when I should haue dined for in all the night before I had taken none as also in manie other nights I had not failed of care and trouble enough when yet I was also tired out in the dayes as they knew very well what passed not only in the Monasterie but in the Cittie there was growne to be a great deale of noise and disquiet vpon the occasions which haue been formerly touched yea and there seemed to be some coulour for the same iust then the Prioresse required me to be called and that I must goe to her at the instant And meeting with her commandment I left my Religious full of paine and care and so instantly went to her But I then perceaued well that I was to be sure of troubles enow though yet the House being then dispatched I was not in very much paine Howsoeuer I betooke my self to Prayer beseeching our Blessed Lord to be good to me and begging of my Father S. Ioseph that he would bring me back againe to his House and in the meane time I offered-vp all that which I might chance to endure for his sake and I was to be very well pleased if it fell out that I might suffer anie thing for him or be able to serue him And so I went away with opinion that they would instantly commit me to Prison Whereby I yet conceaue that they would so haue done me a great deale of pleasure for then I should not haue been vexed with their talking and I should haue enioyed a little Solitude whereof I was in very great want for they had euen as it were grinded me to dust by forcing me to conuerse so long with such a multitude of people But being then ariued and hauing giuen account of my self to the Superiour she was a little appeased and they all agreed to send me to the Prouincial and so the Cause was to depend before him And as soone as I was come thither for Iudgement I found my self with much contentment to see that I was suffering somewhat for the loue of our Lord. For as for hauing done anie thing either against his Diuine Maiestie or yet against the Order I conceaued not that I had offended but rather had endeauoured to augment it to the vttermost of my power and would be glad with my whole hart to dye for it For all my desires were that it might be fulfilled according to the vttermost perfection But in the meane time I called to minde the Sentence which was passed vpon Christ our Lord and I acknowledged what a Nothing this was
of much effect and mortification when a great account is made of doing such and such things for the loue of our Lord which indeed it is both pittie and shame that we should vnderstand and value at anie rate though perhaps we should doe neuer so manie of that kind For my part I am but one of these and am apt not only to forget the Fauours of Almightie God but euen to ouervalue mine owne poore endeauours I say not yet but that his Diuine Maiestie will vouchsafe to put some value euen vpon little things through his owne great goodnes but as for me I would make no account thereof nor in effect so much as see that I doe them since they are but a kind of Nothing But yet pardon me euen heerin O my deare Lord and blame me not if I procure to comfort my self with thinking of this little kind of Somewhat since I am able to serue thee solidly in Nothing but if really I found my self able to serue thee in things which were indeed of weight and moment I would be farre from making account of these things of Nothing O how happie are those persons who are able to doe thee Seruice in great matters And certainly if hauing enuie of them and entertaining earnest desires of being able to doe the like inight be taken by thee for good payment vpon true account from this poore Seruant of thine infallibly I would not sitt-out at pleasing thee But the truth my deare Lord is this That directly I am good for nothing though yet thou maist well giue me value since thou louest me so much But now it hapned lately by a Breue which came from Rome that this Monasterie should be vncapable of Reuenue so that now it may be esteemed to be finished It cost vs some trouble to effect it and I remained with much comfort to see things setled And reflecting vpon the difficulties which I had mett and praising our Blessed Lord for his being pleased to haue partly serued himself of me heerin I applyed my self a little to looke back vpon all the passages of the whole busines And really it is very true that in euerie one of those particulars wherein there might be anie apparance that I had contributed somewhat I find manie imperfections and errours Sometimes of little Courage and sometimes also of little Faith For till I saw all that accomplished which it had pleased our Blessed Lord to tell me before of what should be done concerning it I did neuer in a resolute and assured manner make an end of fully beleiuing that it would be though yet withall it be true that I also could not tell how to doubt it Nor knew I how all this could stand togeather but it seemes that manie times it looked in my eye as if it must be impossible on the one side and yet it could not be doubted on the other I meane it could not be firmly beleiued but that the thing would be done Yet in fine I found that there was this aduantage in it That our Lord himself did all the good which was done and I all the ill and so I would thinke of it no more because if I did I should be sure to stumble vpon manie faults of mine owne But Blessed be he for euer who when he is disposed knowes how to fetch good out of them all Amen I say then that it is no lesse then a kind of dangerous thing to goe rating and measuring the only yeares wherein anie bodie may haue had the exercise of Mentall Prayer For though perhaps there may be a peice of Humilitie in the consideration thereof yet withall it also seemes that there is a kind of I cannot tell what as if there were a shew that a bodie would conceiue that he had deserued some little thing for his paines I say not that these yeares of Prayer haue not their worth and so we shall be well payd for them but yet if anie Spirituall person shall conceiue that for the manie yeares wherein he hath vsed Mentall Prayer he deserue those great Regalo's and gusts I hold it for a most infallible truth that he shall neuer get vp to the topp of Libertie of Spirit But is it not on the other side enough that he hath obtained so much Fauour of Almightie God that he defends him so farre as to hinder him from committing such Sinnes as he fell into before he was a man of Prayer but that now forsooth he will needs proceed with his Diuine Maiestie for the Fauours which he hath receaued from his holie hand as those Debtours vse to doe who goe to Suite with Creditours for their owne money Perhaps as I was saying this may looke in some lights like a peice of profound Humilitie but for my part I cannot thinke so but rather that it is a part of boldnes And I am sure enough that I with being not humble at all neuer durst presume so farre Yet perhaps this last is true in regard that I neuer did God anie seruice and therefore I haue begged no such fauour at his hands whereas yet if I had thought I had deserued I should haue been more earnest then anie other in desiring of our Lord that I might be payd euen heer for my paines And yet I doe not say but that a Soule may goe encreasing by this meanes and that God will make him amends if his Prayer haue been humble but yet still I would faine haue that point forgotten which speakes of reckoning-vp those manie yeares of our Seruice of our Lord. For all that which we are anie way able to doe is fitt to make a man euen cast the gorge in comparison of the least dropp of that bloud which our Blessed Lord shed for vs. And if besides it be most really true that by doing Seruice to Almightie God we come to be his debtours so much the more what manner of thing is it that we should fall vpon begging recompences of that kind since if we pay a Farthing of the old debt there returnes a Bill of a thousand Ducats vpon vs for a new Loane But in fine for the loue of our Lord let vs leaue to passe these iudgements which indeed ought not to be ours but his This course of making Comparisons is not excellent euen in temporall familiar things and what then shall it be about that which God only knowes And his Diuine Maiestie shewes well that he knowes it for he resolues when he thinkesfitt to pay the last Labourer as well as the first I haue written that which heer I haue deliuered in these three sheets of paper at so manie seuerall times and in so seuerall dayes for I had and haue still as I haue sayd so little meanes and leasure that I had forgotten what I was beginning to say about this Vision which followes But I saw whilst I was in Prayer a great Feild lying open and all apart by it self and that much companie of
different kindes was round about me which circled me in And it seemed to me that cuerie one had offensiue weapons in his hands wherewith to hurt me as Lances Swords and Daggers and others had also long Staues In a word I could not get from thence by anie way or meanes without danger of death especially being alone and not hauing anie one Creature to helpe me And being thus in so great affliction of Spirit that I knew not what to doe I lifted-vp mine eyes towards Heauen and saw Christ our Lord not then in Heauen but yet very high and farre off from me in the ayre who reachtforth his hand towards me and fauoured me from thence in such sort that I feared neither all that other people nor yet these who all were vnable to doe me hurt how much soeuer they should desire it This Vision seemes at the first sight to be without anie fruit or good effect at all but it hath yet done me a great deale of good because I haue vnderstood what it signifyed For I saw my self in that encounter shortly after and knew that it was nothing els but this Vision and I also came to know it to be a verie picture or rather Mappe of the world For as manie as are in it abstracting euer from those few who apply themselues to doe our Lord particular Seruice seemed to carrie Armes against this wretched Soule of ours as namely Honours Estates Delights and the like For it is euident that the Soule is all ouercast with a Nett before it be aware at least all these things doe the best they can to endanger and wrapp vs vp fast enough as namely Freinds Kindred and which amazes me more euen such as are vertuous people For I found my self afterward to be extreamly pressed and euen oppressed by them they conceauing in the meane time that they carried themselues very well but the while I knew not at all either how to defend my self or what to doe O my deare God! and if now I should stand to relate the kindes and differences of those troubles which set vpon me at that time euen after all those others whereof I spake before how well might this be able to serue for a meanes to make a man wholy abhorre all things It was me thinkes the verie greatest persecution of all that euer I had endured For I felt my self at some times so straightly set vpon on all sides that I only found remedie by lifting-vp mine eyes to Heauen and crying vpon Almightie God And I remembred very well what I had seen in this last Vision of mine and it did me a great deale of good towards a not putting confidence in anie Creature for there is no one of them firme and stable but only God alone is entirely and truly so But in these great afflictions our Lord hath euer vsed to send me some person or other who in his name might lend me his hand as he signifyed to me that he would and as he did also let me see in this last Vision and so I tyed not my self to anie thing but only to please our Blessed Lord and this hath serued to sustaine this poore little vertue which I had in desiring to serue him And let him be Blessed for euer But finding my self once very vnquiet and in great disorder yea and in skirmish or rather in a verie battaile without being able to recollect my self yea and my thoughts being scattered and dispersed vpon things which were not very perfect and withall not seeming to be so vtterly vntyed from all things as I vsed and being still so wicked as I was I grew afrayd that the Fauours which our Blessed Lord had done me might fall-out to be Illusions and in fine I then remained with a very great obscuritic of minde But now whilst I was in this paine our Lord beganne to speake to me and told me that I must not be thus afflicted but that finding my self in that case I might well vnderstand euen thereby in how great miserie I must remaine if once he should depart from me and that there was to be no securitie at all as long as we should continue in this world I was also giuen to vnderstand how well our labour was employed in this strife and warre since it would not faile to be followed with so high a reward And me thought our Blessed Lord had compassion of them who liue in this world but that I must not thinke that he had forgotten me yea and that he would neuer leaue me but yet so as that still I must also doe my part in helping my self And this did our Blessed Lord declare to me with a kind of tender compassion and Regalo accompanied with certaine words whereby so high Fauour was done me as I need not stand heer to relate And these others which follow heer now his Diuine Maiestie saith also often to me with demonstration of most particular loue Thou art novv grovvne to be mine and I am thine And those words which I am euer wont to say and to my thinking I say them with much truth are these which follow VVhat care I O my Lord for my self but only for thee But I confesse those words of his to me are of great Regalo to my hart though yet withall they be of excessiue confusion when I remember what kind of Creature I am But it seemes that I haue need of more courage for the receauing of those high Fauours then euen for the enduring of vnspeakable afflictions But now when these things are in motion all the poore good actions of my life are vtterly forgotten by me and then it is only represented to my minde how wicked I am and that without anie discourse at all of my vnderstanding so that euen this also doth seem at certaine times to haue somewhat of the Supernaturall in it Sometimes there come also vpon me so earnest and euen eager appetites of receauing the Blessed Sacrament that I know not whether it can be possible for me to expresse them to the full It hapned to me one morning that it rayned so extreamly as to seem no way fitt for me to goe out of doores But yet being once gotten abroad I was already growne also to be so farre out of my self through that desire of Communicating that although they had set Lances euen pointed and held fast against my verie Breast me thought I could haue passed euen through them all and how much more then through water And as soone as I ariued at Church I was taken with a very great Rapt For me thought the verie Heauen was open and not by one ouerture only as I had seen it at other times and I saw another also aboue that vpon which I vnderstood by way of a certaine notice which I am not able to expresse the Diuinitie it self to be though yet I saw not the Diuinitie And me thought it was vpheld by certaine Mysterious Beasts and I was
in this Diamond it being such as that all things are shut-vp in it because there is nothing which can get out of that greatnes it was a thing extreamly to amaze me to be able to see in so very short a time so manie things togeather in this bright Diamond And so was it also matter of extreame compassion and greif for me euerie time that I remember my self to haue seen that things so very vglie and fowle as my sinnes were should be representted and shewed in that so clearnes of light And the truth is that whensoeuer I remember it I know not how it comes to be possible for me to endure it and I did really then remaine so extreamly out of countenance and ashamed that me thinkes I could not tell where to hide my head O that some Creature or other were able to giue this Truth to be well vnderstood by these people who commit dishonest filthie sinnes that so they might come to know that they are not secret and that Almightie God hath reason to be very sensible of those wrongs since they are acted so truly in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie and that we carrie our selues with so base irreuerence before him I saw heer also how iustly Hell is deserued for anie one Mortall Sinne because it is past our power to vnderstand what a most greiuous crime it is to commit it in the presence of so great a Maiestie and what an vnspeakable distance and dissimilitude is found between that which he is and that which our Sinnes are and how it appeares euen heerby so much the better how great his mercie is since notwithstanding he knowes all this he yet endures vs. It hath also made me consider that if such a Vision as this can leaue the Soule so extreamly astonished and amazed what kind of thing will the Day of Iudgement proue to be when this Maiestie of Almightie God will shew it self with all clearnes and so we shall also clearly see what kind of things our sinnes were which we committed against him O my deare God! what blindnes is this which hath seazed me And I haue often been amazed euen whilst I haue been writing this and your Reuerence need be amazed at nothing but how I am able euen to liue whilst I am looking both vpon these things and my self But let him be eternally blessed who hath vouchsafed to endure such things at my hands Being once in Prayer in very great recollection and with much quietnes and sweetnes me thought I was all emcompassed with Angells and very neer to Almightie God and I beganne to be an humble Suiter to his Diuine Maiestie for the benefit and aduantage of his Church And he gaue me to vnderstand the much good which a certaine Order should doe the world in these latter times and the great courage wherewith the Members thereof should defend and vphold the Catholique Faith Being once in Prayer neer the Blessed Sacrament there appeared to me a certaine Saint whose Order was in some decay He had a great Booke in his hands which he opened and willed me to read certains Letters in it which were very legible and large and they sayd thus In future times this Order shall flourish and haue manie Martyrs Another time being at Matins in the Quire six or seauen persons were represented and set before me and I held them to be of the same Order and they had Swords in their hands And I conceaue that I was giuen thereby to vnderstand that they should defend the Faith For being in Prayer another time and rapt in Spirit me thought I was in a very spauous feild where manie were who fought and they of this Order did also fight with great feruour They had their faces beautifull and much inflamed and they beate multitudes of men downe to the ground and killed others This battaile seemed to be giuen against Heretiques I haue seen this Glorious Saint diuerse times and he hath told me some things and giuen me thankes for the Prayers which I make for his Order and he hath promised that he will recommend me to our Blessed Lord. I specifye not the seuerall Orders heer least some should be offended at it and if our Lord shall thinke it conuenient he may declare them But euerie Order should procure and so should euerie particular man of euerie Order that in so great a necessitie as that wherein the Church is at this time they might be able to serue her For happie are those liues which may come to loose themselues vpon this occasion A certaine person desired me once to beg of Almightie God that I might vnderstand whether or no it would be for the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie that he should take a Bishoprick I did so and our Lord made me this answer after I had Communicated VVhen he shall vnderstand vvith all clearnes and truth that true Dominion consists in possessing nothing he may take it then Giuing thereby to vnderstand that whosoeuer is to be a Prelate must be very farre from so much as desiring it and yet further from procuring it These Fauours and manie other also haue been and are still very ordinarily shewed by our Blessed Lord to this sinnefull Woeman which me thinkes are not very necesarie to be related since by those which are deliuered already my Soule togeather with the Spirit which our Lord hath giuen me may be vnderstood But let him be euer blessed who hath had so much care of me He told me once by way of comforting me that I must not afflict my self and this he did with most tender loue for that in this life of ours we could not possibly be alwaies after the same manner but that sometimes I would be in feruour and sometimes without it Sometimes with vnquietnes and temptations and Sometimes without them and in peace but that I must hope in him and feare nothing Being one day in thought and doubt whether it were not a kind of being tyed to Creatures to be glad to be with such persons as with whome I treat the busines of my Soule and to loue both them and others also whome I find to be the Seruants of Almightie God and to receaue comfort by being with them he told me that if when a man is dangerously sick the presence of a Phisitian seemes euen to restore him to health it would not be a vertue to forbeare to be glad of him and to loue him And what sayd he wouldst thou haue done if it had not been for such as they That he disliked not that conuersation should be held with such as were good but that my words must euer be well considered and holie and that so it would be rather profitable to me then hurtfull not to giue-ouer communication with them Now this imparted a particular comfort to me for sometimes it would seem to be a hauing too great a tye vpon creatures which made me once incline to giue-ouer the custome
neer them vvith hallovved Candles * An excellent Aduise Take heed of this great danger * Consider this point much and often * Note this good Conclusion vpon the Praemises * Note this very vvell for nothing imports more thē this * A great and gross errour * A point of very great importance * Note * This vvas the beginning of many great blessings * Her entrance into the receaueing Supernaturall Fauours * It vvorkes not indeed by vvay of vsing Discourse or makeing Inferences but yet it vvorks by vvay of Contēplation and Admiration of the Infinite Obiect being God vvho is set before it * Note * A great foolish errour * Behold heer the true great impediment * This Saint is admirable in all the Comparisons vvhich the vses * This is a kind of Engine vvith certaine little leather Buckets fastned to the sides of a very great vvheele vvhich dra vves vp very much vvater vvith great ease In Spanish it is called a Noria * A good Lesson * A consideration of much comfort * A hard question most clearly and excellently ansvvered * Marke vvell these masculine and massye vvords * Note * This suspending of the Thought or Vnderstanding of vvhich the Saint speakes is a presenting a multitude of Supernaturall and Diuine Obiects before it together vvith a copious infusion of Light vvich is decerned by it after a kind of intuitiue vvay at once vvithout discourse or trouble And this Light rests not there but passes-on to the VVill and grovves to be as so much Fyre for the inflameing it in the Loue of our Lord. And the Soule doth more properly suffer heer then act And novv the Saint giues great vvarning that people be not so foolish as to offer at these things of themselues A great truth * A dangerous provvd foolish errour * Obserue the generous vvay of this great Saint * Note this very vvell * A great praise of a large hart * Hovv Saynts are to be imitated hovv admired * Note this vvell * A necessary Aduise * Our daily Bread * A description of a good Directour in matter of Spirit * Note * Hovv the VVill is to carry it selfe to the other Faculties of the Minde * The blessings of Quiet Prayer * Note * Note * Hovv the Soule is to carry it selfe in Quiet Prayer * Note * A true happy Comparison * The good Spirit very easily discerned from the bad * Note this point aboue all * A most necessary Document * A great blessing by meanes of this Prayer * These are the more generous mindes * As vvhen one is dyinge * This is an admirable State of Minde * The true State of the Povvers of the Minde in this Prayer Hovv there is an Vnion in this Prayer hovv there is none * The great effects of this high Prayer * The difference betvveē Eleuatiō and Vnion * She proceeds in declaring the great effects of this high Prayer * A Cōsideration of strange comfort * This is strange indeed * The strong Pillar of Prayer * Consider this very vvell * Take heed * A most dangerous temptation * Consider and admire this passage * The manner nature of Rapts * The Effects of Rapts * The strangest state of Minde vvhich perhaps is described in the vvhole Booke * The effect of Rapts * This Saynt it admirable in her Comparisons * Other great effects of true Rapts * Her great zeale for the conuersion of Kings * She alludes to Comets and blazing Starrs * A rare expression * Anopinion vvhich is more probable then true * This seems to haue been a foolish and ill-fauoured kind of errour in those others * That vvas by seuerall Visions * A svveet and iust cōplaint and vvorthie of the Saint vvho made it * By Vision * Beleiue and consider this most certaine Truth * A doubt vvhich cannot easily be solued * She grovves novv to make serious enquiry after a good Directour * The only excellent course * This holy mā enters often into the Story of our Saynt * This vvas no improbable opinion though it vvere no true one * So good a begining vvas almost a kind of perfecting the vvorke * The Saynt begann heer to be happy * This vvas a vvise man likely to vvorke vvonders vpon a Soule * He lost nothing by leaueing to be a Duke for Gods sake * This must needs haue been a holy and a vvise man * A little of this goes farr * So true it is that God is God * The mighty force and povver of any one Supernaturall vvord * The infinit differēce betvveē Supernaturall vvords of God all other * A strange encounter * Great povver of our Lord. * Hovv quickly she gott courage against the Diuells * A most certaine truth * This vvas a very ill aduise indeed * The incredible deare svveetnes of our B. Lord to a Soule * Obserue this vvell * This Saint yovv see vvas certainly no Protestant * The Masque of Pride * An admirable example of Pennance * Humane frailty and celestiall glory are not compatible * Imaginary Visions represented to by the senses are of the lovvest ranke most subiect to danger * The great effects of an admirable and most sublime Vision * The differēce is easily found both betvveen a true Vision and a false and betvveen a true Vision and a Fancy * A plaine demonstration * In order to the guideing of others a Directour may easily haue too meane an optnion of himselfe * This Saint vvas hugely vexed by the insatisfaction vvhich she receiued from many Spirituall men * This is very fitt to be knovvne * This is a true Fortiter sed Suauiter * This Saint vvas most strangely familiarly and supernaturally visited by our B Lord. * A strange Taske vvhich vvas put even by holy men upon this Saint * The more she vvas discountenanced euen by good men so much the more highly vvas she fauoured by our Lord. * A rare Comparison * Still more more excellent comparisons * An excellent most necessary Aduise * A strange mixture of affections but such as God knovves hovv to giue * This greife is after the rate of the loue * A very safe and vvise vvay of proceeding * This is a most certaine truth * Heer follovves a vvhole vvorld of sad temptations troubles * The differēce betvveē Diuine and Diabolicall greife of minde * The vvay manner of a great desolation * A pretty humour * A happy State * She makes along Discourse of the Diabolicall Temptations troubles to vvhich she vvas subiect * The excellency of Holy VVater * A great and iust consolation * A question vvorthy of him that askt it * This is a very great Truth but the Accent must be put vpon the vvord Indeed * And though she should haue continued to aske it I dare say our Lord vvould not haue graunted it * A must certaine truth * A vvise solid Truth * Exercise of Prayer and loue of Honour agree not vvell together * This is not to be litterally vnderstood for the Diuell can prepare no place for a Soule in Hell but by the Decree of Almighty God vpon the particular Iudgement giuen at the death of the Party * The Sinnes of Ingratitude discorrespondence and inordinate affection to Creatures vvhich she did committ and the greater and mortall Sinnes vvhich she vvould most certainly haue committed if the Mercy of our Blessed Lord had not preuented and vvithheld her * Hell is represented to her in Spirit after a most subtile manner and it vvas shevved to her and described by her in such sort as that such Creatures may be capable thereof as are indued not only vvith Mindes but vvith Bodyes * The excellent fruits vvhich this Saint did gather from this great Fauour vvhich seems to be the sole cause vvhy our B. Lord vvas pleased to impare this Fauour * The great benefit of this Fauour * Vide supra fol 471. * A svveet Effect of a sad Cause * A sad and strange proceeding * Hovv one suspition u vvont to thrid it self close vpon another * A holy vvise man * All these things and the like as namely Darts or Chaines or Crovvnes or Ievvells c. are not to be vnderstoood after a grosse materiall vvay but yet that really they haue truth in their being represented distinctly clearly to the Imagination of the Partyes and they cheifly serue as testimonies Signes of those interiour graces vertues vvhich vse to be imprinted vpon Soules at those very times by the mercy of our B. Lord. * She meanes her selfe * This Saint vvas an excellent person to make a freind of * A very strange demonstration of a most ciuill noble and freindly hart * Our Blessed Lord is still as good as his vvord * The great Charity Humility of the Saynt * Hovv deuout this deare Saynt is * They vvere very noble though they vvere poore * The Diuell is still himselfe * This is such a kind of vvorld as vvherein things vvill euer goe thus * A true ansvver to all the Diuells Obiections * Note the description vvhich the Saynt makes heer of her Religious * This Fast of the Order is not so strict and rigorous as that of the Church but is rather a forbearance of halfe the Meale then a Fast * This Point of haueing so very fevv in a Monastery vvas partly meant for them vvho vvere to liue in any place on Almes and partly because the Saint had seen some disorders by haueing too many Religious in other Hovvses and yet the Saint her selfe came aftervvard to admit of tvventy in stead of tvvelue and vvould perhaps haue admitted more if she had found reason for it * She inueighs vvith much reason against vaine Complements and especially amongst Religious people * An excellent most vsefull Document * A true noble most generous hart * Great effects of a Vision