of Verron which seems to be Bearn I might instance more of this but as I know how little we ought to rely upon likeness of Names to find out Places and Colonies I will only insist upon the word Vtopia which is the name of Grangousier's Kingdom and by which the Author means Navarre of which Gargantua was properly only Titular King the best part of that Kingdom with Pampelune its capital City being in the King of Spain's Hands So that State was as it were no more on Earth as to any benefit he enjoyed by it and 't is what the Word Vtopia from 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 signifies viz. that is not found or a place not to be found We have therefore here four Actors in the Pantagruelian Fâ—rce three Kings of Navarre and the Bishop of Valence bred up and rais'd in that House we might add two Personâ— mutae Catherine de Foix Queen of Navarre matried to Iohn d' Albret and she therefore should be Gargamâ—llâ— as Margaret de Valois married to his Son Henry King of Navarre should be Badebec Picrochole is doubtless the King of Spain who depriv'd Iohn d' Albret of that part of Navarre which is on the side of the Pyreneâ—â— Mountains that is next to Spain This appears by the name of Picrochole and by the universal Monarchy of which he thought himself secure The word Picrochole is made up of two 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 bitter and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 choler bile or gaul to denote the Temper of that King who was nothing but Bitterness and Gaul This doubly fits Charles the Fifth first with Relation to Francis the First against whom â—he conceived an immortal hatred and to Henry d' Albret whose Kingdom he possess'd and whom he lull'd with the hopes of a Restitutition which he never design'd which was one of the chief Causes of the War that was kindled between that Emperor and Charles the Fifth which lasted during both their Reigns Besides Charles the Fifth was troubled from time to time with an overflowing of Bile so that finding himself decaying and not likely to live much longer after he had raised the siege of Mets as he had done that of Marseille before being commonly as unfortunate as his Generals were successful he shut himself up in a 〈◊〉 where that distemper was the chief Cause of his Death The hope of 〈◊〉 Monarchy with which that Emperor flatter'd himself was a Chimaera that possess'd his mind till he resign'd his Crown and which he seem'd to have assign'd with it to Philip the II his Son and Successors This Frenzy which in his Thirst of Empire possessed him wholly is very pleasantly ridicul'd by Rabelais The Duke of Small Thrash The Earl Swaâ—â—â—-Buckler and Captain 〈◊〉 make Picrochole in Rodomontados conquer Tall the Nations in the Universe I suppose that our Satyrist means by these three some Grandees of Spain for their King Picrochole bids them be cover'd After many imaginary Victories they speak of erecting two Pillars to perpetuate his Memory at the Streights of Gibraltar by which he ridicules Charles the V.'s Devise which was two Pillars with plus Vltra for the Moto Then they make him go to 〈◊〉 and Algier which Charles the V. did march to Rome and cause the Pope to dye for Fear whereat Picrochole is pleased because he will not then kiss his Pyantoufle and longs to be at Loretto Accordingly we know that in 1527 his Army had taken Rome by storm plundered it and its Churches ravished the Nuns if any would be ravished and having almost starved the Pope at last took him Prisoner which Actions of a Catholic Kings Army Sandoval a Spanish Author only terms opra non Santa Then Picrochole fancying himself Master already of so many Nations most royally gratifies those who so easily made him Conquer them to this he gives Caramania Suria to that and Palestine to the third till at last a wise old Officer speaks to him much as Cyneas did to Pyrrhuâ— and with as little Success as that Philosopher As it was not our Author's Design to to give us a regular History of all that happened in his Time he did not tye himself up to Chronology and sometimes joyned Events which have but little Relation to each other Many times also the Characters are double as perhaps is that of Picrochole In the Menagiana lately published which is a Collection of Sayings Reparties and Observations by the learned Menage every one of them attested by Men of Leaning and Credit we are told that Messieurs de Sainte Marthe have told him that the Picrochole of Rabelais was their Grand Father who was a Physician at Fronâ—evaut These Mâ—de St. Marthe are the worthy Sons of the famous Samarthanus who gave so high a Character of Rabelais among the most celebrated Men of France and who themselves have honour'd his Letters with large Notes and shew'd all the Marks of the greatest respect for his Memory so that I am apt to believe that they would not fix such a Character on their Grand-father had there not been some Grounds for it Much less would they have said this to Monsieur Menage who doubtless understood Rabelais very well since I find by the Catalogue of his Works in Manuscript that he has written a Book of Observations on Rabelais which I wish were Printed for they must doubtless be very curious no less ought to be expected from that learned Author of the Origines de la Languo Francoise and of the Origini della Lingua Italiana as also of the curious Observations on the Aminta of Tasso not to speak of his Diogenes Laertius and many others As he was most skill'd in Etymologies and a Man of the greatest Reading and Memory in France he had doubâ—less made too many discoveries in our Author to have believ'd what Messieurs Sainte Marthe said to him were there not some Grounds for it We may then suppose that Rabelais had the wit so to describe pleasant incidents that past among Men of Learning or his Neighbours in and near Chinon as that at the same time some great Actiâ—â— in Church or State should be represented or satiriz'd just as Monsieur De Benserade in his Verses for the solemn Masks at the French Court has made his King representing Iupiter say what equally might be said of that Heathen God or of that Monarch Thus the Astrea of the Lord D'urfe which has charm'd all the ingenious of both Sexes and is still the admiration of the most knowing meerly as a Romance has been discover'd long ago by some few to have throughout it a foundation of Truth But as it only contains the private Amours of some Persons of the first quality in that Kingdom and even those of its noble Author he had so disguis'd the Truths which he describes that few had the double pleasure of seeing them reconcil'd to the ouâ—ward Fictions till among the Works of the greatest Orator
Crier of Onions Helene a Broker for Chamber-maids Semiramis the Beggars Lice-killer Dido did sell Mushroms Pentasilea sold Cresses Lucretia was an Ale-house Keeper Hortensia a Spinstress Livia a Grater of Verdigreece After this manner those that had been great Lords and Ladies here got but a poor scurvy wretched Living there below And on the contrary the Philosophers and others who in this World had been altogether indigent and wanting were great Lords there in their turn I saw Diogenes there strout it out most pompously and in great magnificence with a rich purple Gown on him and a golden Scepter in his Right-hand And which is more he would now and then make Alexander the Great mad so enormously would he abuse him when he had not well patched his Breeches for he used to pay his Skin with sound Bastinadoes I saw Epictetus there most gallantly apparelled after the French Fashion sitting under a pleasant Arbour with store of handsom Gentlewomen frolicking drinking dancing and making good Chear with abundance of Crowns of the Sun Above the Lattice were written these Verses for his Device Sauter dancer faire les tours Et boiue vin blanc vermeil Et ne faire rien tous les iours Que compter les escuts au soleil To dance to skip and to play The best White and Claret to swill And nothing to do all the Day But rouling in Money at will When he saw me he invited me to drink with him very courteously and I being willing to be intreated we ripled and chopined together most Theologically In the mean time came Cyrus to beg one Farthing of him for the honour of Mercury therewith to buy a few Onions for his Supper No no said Epictetus I do not use in my Alms-giving to bestow Farthings hold thou Varlet there 's a Crown for thee be an honest Man Cyrus was exceeding glad to have met with such a Booty But the other poor Rogues the Kings that are there below as Alexander Darius and others stole it away from him by night I saw Pathelin the Treasurer of Rhadamantus who in cheapning the Pudding-pyes that Pope Iulius cried asked him How much a Dozen Three Blanks said the Pope Nay said Pathelin three Blows with a Cudgel lay them down here you Rascal and go fetch more The poor Pope went away weeping who when he came to his Master the Pye-maker told him that they had taken away his Pudding-pyes Whereupon his Master gave him such a sound Lash with an Eele-skin that his own would have been worth nothing to make Bag-pipe-bags of I saw Master Iohn le Maire there personate the Pope in such fashion that he made all the poor Kings and Popes of this World kiss his Feet and taking great State upon him gave them his Benediction saying Get the Pardons Rogues get the Pardons they are good cheap I absolve you of Bread and Pottage and dispense with you to be never good for any thing then calling Cailleâ— and Triboulet to them he spoke these words My Lords the Cardinals dispatch their Bulls to wit to each of them a Blow with a Cudgel upon the Reins Which accordingly was forthwith performed I heard Master Francis Villon ask Xerxes How much the Mess of Mustard A Farthing said Xerxes To which the said Villon answered The Pox take thee for a Villain as much of squareâ—ar'd Wheat is not worth half that Price and now thou offerest to inhance the Price of Victuals with this he pist in his Pot as the Mustard-makers of Paris use to do I saw the Francarcher de Baignolet who was one of the Inquisition against Hereticks When he saw Pierce-Forrest making water against a Wall on which was painted the Fire of St. Anthony declared him Heretick and would have caused him to be burnt alive had it not been for Morgant who for his Proficiat and other small Fees gave him nine Tuns of Beer Well said Pantagruel reserve all these fair Stories for another time only tell us how the Usurers are there handled I saw them said Epistemon all very busily employed in seeking of rusty Pins and old Nails in the Kennels of the Streets as you see poor wretched Rogues do in this World but the quintal or hundred Weight of this old Iron Ware is there valued but at the price of a Cantle of Bread and yet they have but a very bad Dispatch and Riddance in the Sale of it Thus the poor Misers are sometimes three whole Weeks without eating one Morsel or Crumb of Bread and yet work both Day and Night looking for the fair to come nevertheless of all this Labour Toil and Misery they reckon nothing so cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base Calling in hopes at the end of the Year to earn some scurvy Penny by it Come said Pantagruel let us now make our selves merry one bout and drink my Lads I beseech you for it is very good drinking all this Month. Then did they uncase their Flagons by Heaps and Dozens and with their Leaguer-provision made excellent good Chear But the poor King Anarchus could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of Mirth whereupon Panurge said Of what Trade shall we make my Lord the King here that he may be skilful in the Art when he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the Devils of Hell Indeed said Pantagruel that was well advised of thee do with him what thou wilt I give him to thee Grammercy said Panurge the Present is not to be refused and I love it from you CHAP. XXXI How Pantagruel entred into the City of the Amaurots and how Panurge married King Anarchus to an old Lantern-carrying Hag and made him a Crier of Green-sauce AFter this wonderful Victory Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the City of the Amaurots to declare and signify unto them how the King Anarchus was taken Prisoner and all the Enemies of the City overthrown which News when they heard all the Inhabitants of the City came forth to meet him in good order and with a great triumphant Pomp conducting him with a heavenly Joy into the City where innumerable Bonfires were kindled every-where and fair round Tables furnished with store of good Victuals set out in the middle of the Streets This was a Renewing of the Golden-Age so good was the Cheer which then they made But Pantagruel having assembled the whole Senate and Common-Council-Men of the Town said My Masters we must now strike the Iron whilst it is hot it is therefore my Will that before we frolick it any longer we advise how to assault and take the whole Kingdom of the Dipsodes To which effect let those that will go with me provide themselves against to Morrow after drinking for then will I begin to march Not that I need any more Men than I have to help me to conquer it for I could make it as sure that way as if I had it already but I see this City is so full of Inhabitants
compleatly well cemented Reconciliation sign of a sound and sincere Amity and proper Mark of a new Joy and Gladness to follow thereupon Ut Not. per F. de Peri com rei ven L. 1. He had a Son whose Name was Tenot Dandin a lusty young sturdy frisking Royster so help me God who likewise in imitation of his Peace-making Father would have undertaken and medled with the taking up of Variances and deciding of Controversies betwixt disagreeing and contentious Parties Pleaders as you know Saepe solet similis filius esse patri Et sequitur levitèr filia matris iter Ut ait gloss vi quaest I. C. siquis g. de cons. disc v. C. 2. fin est in t per dict cod de impu aliis substit L. vir L. Legitimae F. de stat hom gloss in L. quod si nolit de adi L. quisquis C. ad leg Iure Majest excipio filius à moniali susceptos ex Monacho per gloss in C. impudicas 27 quaestione And such was his Confidence to have no worse Success than his Father he assumed unto himself the Title of Law-strife-setler He was likeways in these pacificatory Negotiations so active and vigilant for Vigilantibus Iura subveniunt ex L. pupillus F. quae in fraud cred ibi L. non enim instit m. proaem That when he had smelt heard and fully understood ut F. si quando paufec L. Agaso q. in verbo offecit id est nasum ad culum posuit That there was any where in the Country a debatable matter at Law he would incontinently thrust in his Advice and so forwardly intrude his Opinion in the business that he made no Bones of making offer and taking upon him to decide it how difficult soever it might happen to be to the full Contentment and Satisfaction of both Parties It is written Qui non laborat non manducat And the said Gl. F. de damn infect L. si quamvis And Currere plus que lae pas vetulam compellit egestas Gloss. F. de lib. agnosco L. si quis pro quo facit L. si plures C. de Codd incert But so huge great was his Misfortune in this his Undertaking that he never composed any difference how little soever you may imagine it might have been but that instead of reconciling the Parties at odds he did incense irritate and exasperate them to a higher point of Dissention and Enmity than ever they were at before Your Worships know I doubt not that Sermo datur cunctis animi sapientia paucis Gl. F. de alien in mun caus fa. lib. 2. This administred unto the Tavern-keepers Wine-drawers and Vintners of Smerva an occasion to say that under him they had not in the space of a whole year so much Reconciliation-Wine for so were they pleased to call the good Wine of Leguge as under his Father they had done in one half hours time It hapned a little while thereafter that he made a most heavy regret thereof to his Father attributing the Causes of his bad Success in pacificatory Enterprizes to the Perversity Stubbornness froward cross and backward Inclinations of the People of his time roundly boldly and irreverently upbraiding that if but a score of Years before the World had been so wayward obstinate pervicacious implacable and out of all Square Frame and Order as it was then his Father had never attained to and acquired the Honour and Title of Strife-appeaser so irrefragably inviolably and irrevocably as he hath done in doing whereof Tenot did heinously transgress against the Law which prohibiteth Children to reproach the Actions of their Parents Per gl Barth L. 3. par agr si quis F. de cond ob caus authent de Nupt. par sed quod sancitum Col. 3. ment To this the honest old Father answered thus My Son Dandin when Don oportet taketh place this is the course which we must trace Gl. C. de Appel L. eos etiam For the Road that you went upon was not the way to the Fullers Mill nor in any part thereof was the Form to be found wherein the Hare did sit Thou hast not the skill and dexterity of setling and composing Differences Why Because thou takest them at the beginning in the very Infancy and Bud as it were when they are green raw and indigestible yet I know handsomly and seatly how to compose and settle them all Why Because I take them at their Decadence in their Weaning and when they are pretty well digested So saith Gl. dulcior est fructus post multa pericula ductus L. non moritturus C. de contrahend comit stip Didst thou ever hear the vulgar Proverb Happy is the Physician whose coming is desired at the declension of a Disease For the Sickness being come to a Crisis is then upon the decreasing hand and drawing towards an end although the Physician should not repair thither for the Cure thereof whereby though Nature wholly do the Work he bears away the Palm and Praise thereof My Pleaders after the same manner before I did interpose my Judgment in the reconciling of them were waxing faint in their Contestations their Altercation Heat was much abated and in declining from their former Strife they of themselves inclined to a firm Accommodation of their Differences because there wanted Fuel to that Fire of burning Rancour and despightful Wrangling whereof the lower sort of Lawyers were the Kindlers That is to say their Purses were emptied of Coin they had not a Win in their Fab nor Penny in their Bag wherewith to sollicit and present their Actions Deficiente pecu deficit omne nia There wanted then nothing but some Brother to supply the place of a Parunymph Braul broker Proxenete or Mediator who acting his part dextrously should be the first Broacher of the Motion of an Agreement for saving both the one and the other Party from that hurtful and pernicious Shame whereof he could not have avoided the Imputation when it should have been said that he was the first who yielded and spoke of a Reconcilement and that therefore his Cause not being good and being sensible where his Shoe did pinch him was willing to break the Ice and make the greater haste to prepare the way for a Condescendment to an amicable and friendly Treaty Then was it that I came in pudding time Dandin my Son nor is the fat of Bacon more relishing to boiled Pease than was my Verdict then agreeable to them This was my Luck my Profit and good Fortune I tell thee my Jolly Son Dandin that by this Rule and Method I could settle a firm Peace or at least clap up a Cessation of Arms and Truce for many years to come betwixt the Great King and the Venetian State the Emperor and the Cantons of Swisserland the English and the Scots and betwixt the Pope and the Ferrarians Shall I go yet further Yea as I would have God to help me betwixt the Turk and
give him Satisfaction And oftentimes have I sent lovingly unto him to understand wherein by whom and how he found himself to be wronged But of him could I obtain no other answer but a meer defiance and that in my Lands he did pretend only to the right of a civil Correspondency and good Behaviour Whereby I knew that the Eternal God hath given him over to the disposure of his own free Will and sensual Appetite which cannot chuse but be wicked if by divine Grace it be not continually guided And to contain him within his Duty and bring him to know himself hath sent him hither to me by a grievous Token Therefore my Beloved Son as soon as thou canst upon sight of these Letters repair hither with all diligence to succour not me so much which nevertheless by natural Piety thou oughtest to do as thine own People which by reason thou oughtest to save and preserve The Exploit shall be done with as little Effusion of Blood as may be and if possible by Means more expedient by Policy and Stratagems of War We shall save all the Souls and send them home merry unto their own Houses My dearest Son the Peace of Jesus Christ our Redeemer be with thee salute from me Ponocrates Gymnastes and Eudemon the Twentieth of September Thy Father Grangousier CHAP. XXX How Ulrich Gallet was sent unto Picrochole THE Letters being dictated signed and sealed Grangousier ordained that Vlrich Gallet Master of the Requests a very wise and discreet Man of whose Prudence and found Judgment he had made trial in several difficult and debateful matters to go unto Picrochole to shew what had been resolved amongst them At the same hour departed the good Man Gallet and having past the Ford asked the Miller in what condition Picrochole was who answer'd That his Souldiers had left neither Cock nor Hen that they were retir'd and shut up into the Rock Clermond and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of the Scouts because they were enormously furious which he easily believed and therefore lodged that night with the Miller The next morning he went with a Trumpeter to the Gate of the Castle and requir'd the Guards he might be admitted to speak with the King of somewhat that concern'd him These words being told unto the King he would by no means consent that they should open the Gate but getting upon the top of the Bulwark said unto the Ambassador What is the news what have you to say Then the Ambassador began to speak as followeth CHAP. XXXI The Speech made by Gallet to Picrochole THere cannot arise amongst Men a juster cause of Grief then when they receive hurt and damage where they may justly expect for favour and good will and not without cause though without reason have many after they had fallen into such a calamitous accident esteemed this indignity less supportable then the loss of their own Lives in such sort that if they could not by force of Arms or otherwise correct it they have deprived themselves of this Light It is therefore no wonder if King Grangousier my Master be full of high displeasure and much disquieted in mind upon thy outragious and hostile coming but truly it would be a marvel if he were not sensible of and moved with the incomparable Abuses and Injuries perpetrated by thee and thine upon those of his Country towards whom there hath been no Example of Inhumanity omitted Which in it self is to him so grievous for the cordial Affection wherewith he hath always cherish'd his Subjects that more it cannot be to any mortal Man yet in this above human Apprehension is it to him the more grievous that these Wrongs and sad Offences have been committed by thee and thine who time out of mind from all antiquity thou and thy Predecessors have been in a continual League and Amity with him and all his Ancestors which even until this time you have as sacred together inviolably preserved kept and maintained so well that not he and his only but the very barbarous Nations of the Poictevins Bretons Manceaux and those that dwell beyond the Isles of the Canaries and that of Isabella have thought it as easie to pull down the Firmament and to set up depths above the Clouds as to make a breach in your Alliance and have been so afraid of it in their Enterprises that they have never dared to provoke incense or indamage the one for fear of the other Nay which is more this sacred League hath so filled the World that there are few Nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the Continent and Isles of the Ocean who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it upon your own Covenants and Conditions holding your joint Confederacy in as high Esteem as their own Territories and Dominions in such sort that from the memory of Man there hath not been either Prince or League so wild and proud that durst have offered to invade I say not your Countries but not so much as those of your Confederates And if by rash and heady Counsel they have attempted any new design against them as soon as they heard the Name and Title of your Alliance they have suddenly desisted from their Enprises What Rage and Madness therefore doth now incite thee all old Alliance infringed all Amity trod under foot and all right violated thus in a hostil manner to invade his Country without having been by him or his in any thing prejudiced wronged or provoked Where is Faith Where is Law Where is Reason Where is Humanity Where is the fear of God Dost thou think that these atrâ—cious Abuses are hidden from the eternal Spirits and the Supream God who is the just rewarder of all our Vndertakings If thou so think thou deceivest thy self for all things shall come to pass as in his incomprehensible Judgment he hath appointed Is it thy fatal Destiny or influences of the Stars that would put an end to thy so long enjoyed Ease and Rest For that all things have their end and period so as that when they are come to the superlative point of their greatest height they are in a trice tumbled down again as not being able to abide long in that state This is the Conclusion and End of those who cannot by Reason and Temperance moderate their Fortunes and Prosperities But if it be predestinated that thy Happiness and Ease must now come to an end must it needs be by wronging my King him by whom thou were establish'd If thy House must come to ruin should it therefore in its fall crush the heels of him that set it up The matter is so unreasonable and so dissonant from common Sense that hardly can it be conceived by human Vnderstanding and altogether incredible unto Strangers till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent that nothing is either sacred or holy to those who having emancipated themselves from God and Reason do meerly
the Chamber Ladies so well skilled that in a trice they would be dressed and compleatly in their clothes from head to foot And to have those Accoutrements with the more conveniency There was about the Wood of Theleme a row of Houses of the extent of half a league very neat and cleanly wherein dwelt the Goldsmiths Lapidaries Jewellers Embroiderers Tailors Gold-drawers Velvet-weavers Tapestry-makers and Upholsters who wrought there every one in his own Trade and all for the aforesaid jolly Friars and Nuns of the new Stamp They were furnished with Matter and Stuff from the hands of the Lord Nausiclete who every year brought them seven Ships from the Perlas and Cannibal Islands laden with ingots of Gold with raw Silk with Pearls and precious stones And if any Vnions began to grow old and lose somewhat of their natural whiteness and lustre those with their Art did renew by tendering them to eat to some pretty Cocks as they use to give Casting unto Hawks CHAP. LVII How the Thelemites were governed and of their manner of Living ALL their life was spent not in Laws Statutes or Rules but according to their own free Will and Pleasure They rose out of their Beds when they thought good They did eat drink labour sleep when they had a mind to it and were disposed for it None did awake them none did offer to constrain them to eat drink nor to do any other thing for so had Gargantua established it In all their Rule and strictest tie of their order there was but this one clause to be observed Do what thou wilt Because Men that are free well-born well-bred and conversant in honest companies have naturally an Instinct and Spur that prompteth them unto vertuous Actions and withdraws them from Vice which is called honour Those same Men when by base subjection and constraint they are brought under and kept down turn aside from that noble disposition by which they formerly were inclined to Vertue to shake off and break that bond of servitude wherein they are so tyranniously inslaved for it is agreeable to the nature of Man to long after things forbidden and to desire what is denied us By this Liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation to do all of them what they saw did please one If any of the Gallants or Ladies should say Let us drink they would all drink If any one of them said Let us play they all played If one said Let us go a walking into the Fields they went all If it were to go a hawking or a hunting the Ladies mounted upon dainty well-paced Nags seated in a stately Palfrey saddle carried on their lovely fists Miniardly begloved every one of them either a Sparhawk or a Laneret or a Marlin and the young Gallants carried the other kinds of Haws So nobly were they taught that there was neither he nor she amongst them but could read write sing play upon several musical Instruments speak five or six several Languages and compose in them all very quaintly both in Verse and Prose Never were seen so valiant Knights so noble and worthy so dextrous and skilful both on foot and a horseback more brisk and lively more nimble and quick or better handling all manner of Weapons then were there Never were seen Ladies so proper and handsom so miniard and dainty less froward or more ready with their hand and with their needle in every honest and free Action belonging to that Sex then were there For this reason when the time came that any Man of the said Abbey either at the request of his Parents or for some other cause had a mind to go out of it he carried along with him one of the Ladies namely her whom he had before that chosen for his Mistress and were married together And if they had formerly in Theleme lived in good Devotion and Amity they did continue therein and increase it to a greater height in their state of Matrimony And did entertain that mutual Love till the very last day of their Life in no less vigour and fervency then at the very day of their Wedding Here must I not forget to set down unto you a Riddle which was found under the Ground as they were laying the foundation of the Abbey ingraven in copper Plate and it was thus as followeth CHAP. LVIII A Prophetical Riddle in the Style of Merlyn POor mortals who wait for a happy day Cheer up your Hearts and here what I shall say If it be lawful firmly to beleive That the Caelestial Body can us give Wisdom to judge of things that are not yet Or if from Heaven such Wisdom we may get As may with confidence make us discourse Of years to come their destiny and course I to my Hearer give to understand That this next Winter though it be at hand Yea and before there shall appear a race Of Men who loth to sit still in one place Shall boldly go before all peoples eyes Suborning Men of divers qualities To draw them unto covenants and sides In such a manner that whaâ— 're betides They 'l move you if you givâ— them ear no doubt With both your friends and kindâ—ed to fall out They make a Vassel to 〈…〉 his Lord And Children their own Paâ—ents in a Word All Reverences shall then be banished No true respect to other shall be had They 'l say that every Man should have his turn Both in his going forth and his return And hereupon there shall arise such woes Such jarrings and confused toes and froes That never were in history such coyles Set down as yet such tumults and garboyls Then shall you many gallant Men see by Valour stirr'd up and youthful fervencie Who trusting too much in their hopeful time Live but a while and perish in their prime Neither shall any who this course shall run Leave off the Race which he hath once begun Till they the Heavens with noise by their contention Have fill'd and with their steps the Earths dimension Then those shall have no less authority That have no faith then those that will not lie For then shall all be governed by a rude Base ignorant and foolish multitude The veriest lowt of all shall be their Judge O horrible and dangerous deluge Deluge I call it and that for good reason For this shall be omitted in no season Nor shall the Earth of this foul stir be free Till suddenly you in great store shall see The Waters Issue out with whose streams the Most moderate of all shall moist'ned be And justly too because they did not spare The flocks of Beasts that innocentest are But did their sinews and their bowels take Not to the Gods a Sacrifice to make But usually to serve themselves for sport And now consider I do you exhort In such Commotions so continual What rest can take the Globe-terrestrial Most happy then are they that can it hold And use it carefully as precious gold By keeping it in Goal whence it
Hood with a Hares Ears tied to it either the aforesaid vain-glorious Champion or that Euguerrant who having forgot the art and manner of writing Histories set down by the Samosatian Philosopher maketh a most tediously long Narrative and Relation thereof For at the first reading of such a profuse Discourse one would think it had been broached for the introducing of a Story of great importance and moment concerning the waging of some formidable War or the notable change and mutation of potent States and Kingdoms but in conclusion the World laugheth at the capricious Champion at the English-man who had affronted him as also at their Scribler Euguerrant more driveling at the Mouth than a Mustard-pot The Jest and Scorn thereof is not unlike to that of the Mountain of Horace which by the Poet was made to cry out and lament most enormously as a Woman in the Pangs and Labour of Child-birth at which deplorable and exorbitant Cries and Lamentations the whole Neighbourhood being assembled in expectation to see some marvellous monstrous Production could at last perceive no other but the paultry ridiculous Mouse Your mousing quoth Panurge will not make me leave my musing why Folks should be so frumpishly disposed seeing I am certainly perswaded that some flout who merit to be flouted at yet as my Vow imports so will I do It is now a long time since by Iupiter Philos we did swear Faith and Amity to one another Give me your Advice and tell me your Opinion freely Should I marry or no Truly quoth Epistemon the case is hazardous and the danger so eminently apparent that I find my self too weak and insufficient to give you a punctual and peremptory resolution therein and if ever it was true the Iudgment is difficult in matters of the Medicinal Art what was said by Hippocrates of Lango it is certainly so in this case True it is that in my Brain there are some rowling Fancies by means whereof somewhat may be pitched upon of a seeming efficacy to the disintangling your mind of those dubious Apprehensions wherewith it is perplexed but they do not thoroughly satisfie me Some of the Platonick Sect affirm that whosoever is able to see his proper Genius may know his own Destiny I understand not their Doctrine nor do I think that you adhere to them there is a palpable Abuse I have seen the experience of it in a very curious Gentleman of the Country of Estrangowre This is one of the Points There is yet another not much better If there were any Authority now in the Oracles of Iupiter Ammon of Apollo in Lebadia Delphos Delos Cyrra Patara Tegires Preneste Lycia Colophon or in the Castalian Fountain near Antiochia in Syria between the Branchidians of Bacchus in Dodona of Mercure in Phares near Parras of Apis in Egypt of Serapis in Canorie of Faunus in Menalia and Albunes near Tivoly of Tiresias in Orchomenie of Mosus in Silicia of Orpheus in Lisbos and of Trophonius in Lucadia I would in that case advise you and possibly not to go thither for their Judgment concerning the Design and Enterprize you have in hand But you know that they are all of them become as dumb as so many Fishes since the Advent of that Saviour King whose coming to this World hath made all Oracles and Prophesies to cease as the approach of the Suns radiant Beams expelleth Goblins Bugbears Hobthrushes Broams Schriech-Owl-Mates Night-walking Spirits and Tenebrions These now are gone but although they were as yet in continuance and in the same Power Rule and Request that formerly they were yet would not I counsel you to be too credulous in putting any Trust in their Responses Too many Folks have been deceived thereby It stands furthermore upon Record how Agrippina did charge the fair Lollia with the Crime of having interrogated the Oracle of Apollo Clarius to understand if she should be at any time married to the Emperor Claudius for which Cause she was first banished and thereafter put to a shameful and ignominious Death But saith Panurge let us do better the Ogygian Islands are not far distant from the Haven of Sammalo Let us after that we shall have spoken to our King make a Voyage thither In one of these four Isles to wit that which hath its primest Aspect towards the Sun setting it is reported and I have read in good Antick and Authentick Authors that there reside many Soothsayers Fortune-tellers Vaticinators Prophets and Diviners of things to come that Saturn inhabiteth that place bound with fair Chains of Gold and within the Concavity of a Golden Rock being nourished with Divine Ambrosie and Nectar which are daily in great store and abundance transmitted to him from the Heavens by I do not well know what kind of Fowls it may be that they are the same Ravens which in the Deserts are said to have fed St. Paul the first Hermit he very clearly foretelleth unto every one who is desirous to be certified of the condition of his Lot what his Destiny will be and what future Chance the Fates have ordained for him for the Parques or Weerd Sisters do not twist spin or draw out a Thread nor yet doth Iupiter perpend project or deliberate any thing which the good old Coelestial Father knoweth not to the full even whilst he is a sleep This will be a very summary Abbreviation of our Labour if we but hearken unto him a little upon the serious debate and canvassing of this my perplexity That is answered Epistemon a Gullery too evident a plain Abuse and Fib too fabulous I will not go not I I will not go CHAP. XXV How Panurge consulteth with Her Trippa NEvertheless quoth Epistemon continuing his Discourse I will tell you what you may do if you will believe me before we return to our King Hard by here in the Brown-wheat Island dwelleth Her Trippa you know how by the Arts of Astrology Geomancy Chiromancy Metopomancy and others of a like stuff and nature he foretelleth all things to come Let us talk a little and confer with him about your Business Of that answered Panurge I know nothing but of this much concerning him I am assured that one day and that not long since whilst he was prating to the Great King of Coelestial Sublime and Transcendent Things the Lackqueys and Footboys of the Court upon the upper Steps of Stairs between two Doors jumbled one after another as often as they listed his Wife who is passable fair and a pretty snug Hussie Thus he who seemed very clearly to see all Heavenly and Terrestrial Things without Spectacles who discoursed boldly of Adventures past with great confidence opened up present Cases and Accidents and stoutly professed the presaging of all future Events and Contingencies and was not able with all the Skill and Cunning that he had to perceive the Bumbasting of his Wife whom he reputed to be very chast and hath not till this hour got Notice of any thing to the contrary Yet
only in this but in several other matters also of the like nature have spoken at random and rather out of an ambitious Envy to check and reprehend their Betters than for any design to make enquiry into the solid Truth I will not launch my little Skif any further into the wide Ocean of this Dispute only will I tell you that the Praise and Commendation is not mean and slender which is due to those honest and good Women who living chastly and without blame have had the power and vertue to curb range and subdue that unbridled heady and wild Animal to an obedient submissive and obsequious yielding unto Reason Therefore here will I make an end of my Discourse thereon when I shall have told you that the said Animal being once satiated if it be possible that it can be contented or satisfied by that Aliment which Nature hath provided for it out of the Epididymal Store-house of Man all its former and irregular and disordered Motions are at an end laid and asswaged all its vehement and unruly Longings lulled pacified and quieted and all the furious and raging Lusts Appetites and Desires thereof appeased suppressed calmed and extinguished For this cause let it seem nothing strange unto you if we be in a perpetual Danger of being Cuckolds that is to say such of us as have not wherewithal fully to satisfie the Appetite and Expectation of that voracious Animal Ods Fish quoth Panurge have you no preventive Cure in all your Medicinal Art for hindring ones â—ead to be Horny-graffed at home whilst his Feet are plodding abroad Yes that I have my gallant Friend answered Rondibilis and that which is a Sovereign Remedy whereof I frequently make use my self and that you may the better relish it is set down and written in the Book of a most famous Author whose Renown is of a standing of two thousand Years Hearken and take good heed You are quoth Panurge by Cocks-Hobby a right honest Man and I love you with all my heart eat a little of this Quince-Pye it is very proper and convenient for the shutting up of the Orifice of the Ventricle of the Stomach because of a kind of astringent Stypticity which is in that sort of Fruit and is helpful to the first Concoction But what I think I speak Latin before Clerks Stay fill I give you somewhat to drink out of this Nestorian Goblet Will you have another Draught of white Hippocras Be not afraid of the Squinzy No There is neither Squinant Ginger nor Grains in it only a little choice Cinnamon and some of the best refined Sugar with the delicious White-wine of the Growth of that Vine which was set in the Slips of the great Sorbaple above the Wallnut-tree CHAP. XXXIII Rondibilis the Physician 's Cure of Cuckoldry AT that time quoth Randibilis when Iupitur took a view of the state of his Olympick House and Family and that he had made the Calender of all the Gods and Goddesses appointing unto the Festival of every one of them its proper day and season establishing certain fixed places and stations for the pronouncing of Oracles and relief of travelling Pilgrims and ordaining Victims Immolations and Sacrifices suitable and correspondent to the Dignity and Nature of the worshipped and adored Deity Did not he do asked Panurge therein as Tintouille the Bishop of Auxerre is said once to have done This Noble Prelate loved entirely the pure Liquor of the Grape as every honest and judicious Man doth therefore was it that he had an especial care and regard to the Bud of the Vine-tree as to the great Grandfather of Bacchus But so it is that for sundry Years together he saw a most pitiful Havock Desolation and Destruction made amongst the Sprouts Shootings Buds Blossoms and Sciens of the Vines by hoary Frosts Dank-fogs hot Mists unseasonable Colds chill Blasts thick Hail and other calamitous Chances of foul Weather happening as he thought by the dismal inauspiciousness of the Holy Days of St George St. Mary St. Paul St. Eutrope Holy Rood the Ascension and oâ—her Festivals in that time when the Sun passeth under the Sign of Taurus and thereupon harboured in his Mind this Opinion that the afore-named Saints were Saint Hail-flingers Saint Frost-senders Saint Fogmongers and Saint Spoilers of the Vine-buds for which cause be went about to have transmitted their Feasts from the Spring to the Winter to be Celebrated between Christmas and Epiphany so the Mother of the three Kings called it allowing them with all Honour and Reverence the liberty then to freeze hail and rain as much as they would for that he knew that at such a time Frost was rather profitable than hurtful to the Vine-buds and in their steads to have placed the Festivals of St. Christopher St. Iohn the Baptist St. Magdalene St. Ann St. Domingo and St. Lawrence yea and to have gone so far as to collocate and transpose the middle of August in and to the beginning of May because during the whole Space of their Solemnity there was so little danger of hoary Frosts and cold Mists that no Artificers are then held in greater Request than the Afforder of refrigerating Inventions Makers of Junkets fit Disposers of cooling Shades Composers of green Arbours and Refreshers of Wine Iupiter said Rondibilis forgot the poor Devil Cuckoldry who was then in the Court at Paris very eagerly solliciting a pedling Suit at Law for one of his Vassals and Tenants within some few days thereafter I have forgot how many when he got full notice of the Trick which in his Absence was done unto him he instantly desisted from prosecuting Legal Processes in the behalf of others full of Sollicitude to pursue after his own business lest he should be fore-closed And thereupon he appeared personally at the Tribunal of the great Iupiter displayed before him the importance of his preceeding Merits together with the acceptable Services which in Obedience to his Commandments he had formerly performed and therefore in all humility begged of him that he would be pleased not to leave him alone amongst all the Sacred Potentates destitute and void of Honour Reverence Sacrifices and festival Ceremonies To this Petition Iupiter's Answer was excusatory That all the Places and Offices of his House were bestowed Nevertheless so importuned was he by the continual Supplications of Monsieur Cuckoldry that he in fine placed him in the Rank List Roll Rubrick and Catalogue and appointed Honours Sacrifices and Festival Rites to be observed on Earth in great Devotion and tendred to him with Solemnity The Feast because there was no void empty nor vacant place in all the Calender was to be celebrated jointly with and on the same day that had been consecrated to the Goddess Iealousie His Power and Dominion should be over Married Folks especially such as had handsom Wives His Sacrifices were to be Suspicion Diffidence Mistrust a lowring powting Sullenness Watchings Wardings Researchings Plyings Explorations together with the Way-layings