were Communicated to me in such a manner and measure as unspeakably passeth my Frail Capacity to tell forth or express Which occasioned me to call to Mind my former Wondering and Musing while going on in the way of my Ignorant and Blind Zeal in Serving God before the Spirit of Bondage visited me to think what the Joy of the Holy Ghost should mean Whenever I did Read of the Joy of the Holy Ghost Or did hear any mention thereof Joy of the Holy think I Lord what is that What is the meaning of it I cannot tell or apprehend what this Joy of the Holy Ghost should be Sixthly The Spirit of Adoption was given me whereby I was enabled to come to God's Throne of Grace and with a Holy and Humble Boldness to call him my God and my Father The Instinct in the New Creation wrought by the God of all Grace in me led me to God as the Fountain of all Good The Spirit given me putting into my Mouth Words of Solemn Thanks and Praise for the Greatness and Strangeness of my Salvation To my Knees I betook me Adoreing and Worshipping with my Spirit That Holy Jehovah Trinity in Unity and Unity in Trinity Father Son and Holy Ghost the True and Eternal God Whom all the time of my Blind Zeal and during the time of my Bondage State I had so Ignorantly Worshipped I was now and never before Enabled Jacob like to catch hold of and to Wrestle with a Reconciled God The Greatness Holiness and Infiniteness of his Majesty which before I knew him in Christ terrified and affrightned me with a Witness Animated and Encouraged me in Praying to him It is not to be Exprest in Words with what Alacrity and Chearfulness of Spirit I approached the Throne of Grace and with what Enlargedness and inward Meltings of Heart and Soul I called on God When I did but mention this My God and my Father Oh! what Ravishment of Soul did I Experimentally feel Overflowing and Drowning my very Spirit To my Bed I went with a Glad Ravish'd Heart Christ knows The Burning Inflammation which the Horror and Bondage of my Wounded Despairing Conscience caused in my Body was gon and my Bodys Disposition to Crookedness thought the sinking weight which lay on my Spirit within was Instantly Rebuked and caused to Retreat by the Glad and Joyful Tideings of Gospel Peace which that Night took up its Lodging within me Succeeding and Powerfully Supplanting that Spirit of Bondage which made me so hopeless and as I thought Past all possibility of escapeing Hell No sooner was I stretched in my Bed but Swooning and Fainting Fits of Love Sickness seized me I was Inwardly and Spiritually so Apprehensive of the Mysteriousness of Christs Incarnation his Humbling himself even to Death his lying Confined as a Prisoner in the Grave and his being Raised therefrom again his Ascending to Heaven from whence he came and his Sitting down at the Fathers Right Hand to Enter on the Work of Intercession with God And that as my Surety and Mediator and all for me that I verily thought my Body was near its Dissolution A thing which the clear and certain assurance given me of my being an Adopted Son of God made me even Long and Pant after My Thoughts and Meditations were now wholly Employed about Christ and that Blessed Change which I Sensibly felt was Past on me The sweet and Soul Ravishing Communion I had with Father Son and Holy Ghost was to me instead of Meat Drink and Sleep and that the most Pleasing and Satisfactory that I ever Enjoyed The Actings and Sufferings of Christ in the assumed Nature for me were so realized and the Virtue and Reconciling Efficacy of the same so sensibly set home on my Wounded and Bleeding Soul by the Spirit of Adoption that I thought I had the Person of Christ claspt in my Arms in the Bed Oh! The sweet Intercourses which by the Operation of the Holy Ghost passed between Precious Jesus and my Languid Soul Then was I made to know Experimentally the meaning of Rev. 3. 20. While I was Wakeing I was entertained with strange variety of Interlocution or Discourse which Passed between Christ and me which did Explain and Unfold to me that in Prov. 6. 22. During this I continued in such a Melting Frame that the very Pillow-beer under my Head was as if dipt in a River through the great abundance of Tears of unconceivable Joy which the Sense and feeling of Christ's Love constrained me to shed When I found a necessity of turning in my Bed I could not turn without my Dearly Beloved and Incomparably Loving Jesus in my Arms with me When I Slumber'd and Slept I was soon visited with most Joyful and Ravishing Dreams of God Christ Holy Ghost the Glory of Heaven and the unutterable Bliss and Felicity of those Souls who are Reconciled to God by Christ This was very Frequent and common when Sleep came on me after I had been Sealed in Beleiving And albeit I never durst to heed or mind Nocturnal Dreams yet they have sometimes had such a strange Influence on me that I have felt such delightful Joy and Comfort in my Spirit that sometimes I have been at a stand to think whether I had been asleep or awake It was a frequent Practice with me for some considerable time how long I cannot now Remember to arise in my Bed when I awaked out of My sleep to Bend my Knees and lift up my Eyes Hands and Heart to heaven to Land Praise and Magnify Father Son and Holy Ghost for the greatness and strangeness of my so unexpected and unlook'd for Salvation Being but the Night before yea and every Morning ready to Drop into final Desparation of ever being Saved Oh! What a loss was I at in my self Not knowing how sufficiently to Extol and Bless God for what had now befallen me I was even ready to quarrel with my self because of the narrowness and streightness of my Soul which hindred that I could not take in more of God and go out in more enlarged Expressions of Love and Praises to him For above six Months together I could neither lye down nor arise go down or come up Stairs pass in or out from one place to another but I strongly Conceited that I perceived a Guard of Angels attending my Person It cannot be Expressed with what scorn and abhorrence I look'd on the Pride and Gallantry of the Family where I Lived Their Changeable Suits of Rich and Glittering Apparel with their Choice Meats and sweet Musick with other delightful Pastimes I look'd on and accounted them but as Smoak and Dust The Titles of Worldly Honour wherein the Rest of my Relations did not a little Glory I accounted the same but a meer empty Vanity Oh! think I That my Poor Relations could see taste and feel what I do how would they disrelish and be ashamed and weary of these Poor perishing sensual Delights wherein they Place their Delight and
should be an Honour to the Family and a Man of no ordinary Figure in the Orb of the Church CHAP. III. Seting forth the Spirit of Bondage seiz'd me in the very heighth of my Confidence of being in a good and sure state of Salvation What sad work it made with me and what means I used for Help and Relief under its killing and sinking Weight WHen I was about Twenty One Years of Age in the very heat and height of my Zeal in Prosecuting that Righteousness consisting of that Negative and Positive Obedience which the Law Moral enjoyns and requires as the condition of Life and Salvation It pleased God to send forth the Spirit of Bondage to Seize me to the end I might be Instructed and fully convinc'd how vain my Confidence of being Sav'd and going to Heaven in that self pleasing way of Legal Righteousness was The manner of it was thus being on the Day called Easter Monday at my Cathedral Devotion in the Place call'd Christ Church in Dublin a Place I constantly frequented to Morning and Evening Service and a Place which I more Zaelously Lov'd and Venerated than any Place in the World besides For that I verily conceited in my self it was as the very Entrance into Heaven it self After the Service was ended one Dr. Golborn Preach'd his Text was in Ephes 5. 14. Wherefore he saith Awake thou that sleepest and arise from the dead and Christ shall give thee light A Good and Choice Text but how well or ill Handled I must acknowledge my self to have been at that time a very incompetent Judge to say or determine About the middle of the Sermon as near as I could guess there was darted into my mind this sad and killing Thought viz. that I had the day before Received the Sacrament unworthily which sad Thought was back'd with that of 1 Cor. 11. 29 For he that Eateth and Drinketh unworthily Eateth and Drinketh Damnation to himself not descerning the Lords Body This sad and dismal Thought back'd as I said with that Scripture just now Quoted Not any Word spoken by the Preacher was that which seiz'd my Mind and let in the Spirit of Bondage upon me No sooner had I look'd this 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 oâ— â—ore-runner of the Spirit of Bondage in the Face compareing it with the place already mentioned but I concluded my self a lost and an undone man My Spirit was in such an amazing Fright and over whelming consternation to think that I was most certainly Damn'd to all intents and purposes that indeed I verily thought all the People in the place were a swarm or a Legion of Devils which God in revengefull wrath had sent from the Bottomless Pit to guard and attend my Guilty Soul thither The apprehensions I had of being Damn'd and sent to Hell so rack'd and tormented my Spirit that I found my self unable to stay till Sermon was ended Away I ran out of that Place to shun as I then thought those swarms of Devils which I strongly conceived were to guard me to Hell As soon as I came to my Lord of Santry's where I then Liv'd I entered my Chamber with a sad and heavy Heart God knows to my Knees I go with an intent to Pray if so be there might be any scrap of Hope of my escaping being Eternally Damn'd But alass What Tongue or Pen can Relate the Pass and condition I was then at My Reason my Conscience and my very Speech were as it were Plung'd and Drown'd in the Gulph of Despair so that I could neither utter a Word in Prayer nor yet consider what I should do to Relieve my Bleeding Soul in that sore distress I durst not abide in my Chamber fearing to see and feel the Devils actually to Seize me To the Minister of the Parish I went from whose Hands I Received the Sacrament but the Day before not knowing but that he might Administer some kind of Relief to one in my condition He observing the gastliness of my Looks and taking notice that somewhat ailed me he asked me how I did to which I could not Reply He pressing to know what the matter was I at length in a very abrupt and broken manner told him that I was full of the apprehensions and fears that I was a Damn'd Man and that there was no hopes of Mercy for such a one as I was The Minister somewhat surprized at so sudden and so great a Change since but the Day before he began to Examin what great and heinous Sins one of my Age and one in so encouraging Circumstances as I was in could be guilty of which should occasion such sad Despair He mentioned some Texts of Scriptures thereby hoping to have given some Relief to my weary gasping Soul but all in vain God's time of Healing me being not yet come And finding by my frequent coming to him for Ease and Comfort to how little purpose he had laboured with me he at length advised me to Ride into the Country to Visit my Father and other Relations and by that means as also by Exercising my self with such Exercise as I formerly delighted in as Shooting with the Gun and Angling to divert my Melancholy Thoughts This I was glad to hear of my own Inclinations leading so strongly to it in order to the effecting of which I Addressed my self to my Lord's House-Keeper entreating her to acquaint my Lord that in regard of some present Indisposition under which I laboured and in order to my Health I had not only an inclination but was advised to Visit my Father in the Country in order whereto I thought it convenient to acquaint his Lordship therewith to the end I might obtain not only his Lordships free consent but also the liberty of a Horse to perform my intended Journey The House-Keeper no sooner delivered my request to my Lord but my Lord Commands her to call me up into his Chamber As soon as I received the Command I fell immediately into a great Sweat and sore Trembling up I went and being entered into the Chamber my Lord Locks the Chamber Door and laying his Hat on a Cabinet sits down in his Chair and with an earnest and piercing Eye looks on a pretty while before he Speaks I all the while sweating and quaking At length my Lord begins with James what ails you What is the matter I hear you go privately to Ministers there is somewhat ails you What is it I perceiving by my Lord's Discourse that the Minister of the Parish had acquainted my Lord with my Case I found my self far more uneasie than before My Sweat and Trembleings of Soul encreasing upon me My Lord continued querying What ails you James tell me what is the matter I was so overwhelm'd in my Spirit that my Speech was swallowed up as Job saith Job 6. 3. But my Lord not letting me alone but with earnest Importunities pressing to know what I ailed I at length as a poor Condemn'd Caitiff hanging by a
twine Thread over Hells Mouth Roared out as if my Bowels had burst out of my Body Crying with great and unutterable Groans and Tears My good Lord Dear my Lord I am afraid I am an undone Creature I am a Damn'd Man there is no Mercy for me My Lord perceiving by my Looks and Speech that I was in good earnest wounded with Tears in his Eyes and with the greatest concernedness for me began to play the Spiritual Physitian asking me with great earnestness what gross and crying Sins as Adultery Murther and the like could one of my Years be guilty of as to occasion my falling into Despair of Mercy And said my Lord admit you were guilty of such and greater abominations what Reason have you for Despaire you must know that Jesus Christ the Son of God came into the World not to lay a Load on you but to take your Load off you Quoting Mat. 11. 29. Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy Laden and I will give you Rest With many other Texts of Scriptures and comfortable Expressions he laboured to Relieve and Ease my burthened and sinking Soul but all in vain God's time of curing my deep and desperate Wound being not come As touching my purpose of going into the Country My Lord told me I might use my freedom but that his Judgment and Advice was that it were better for me to stay than to go into the Country and that because of the great Disadvantage which by going would accrew to me in my Studies My Lord having declared his Judgment what had been best for me to do I told his Lordship I was resolved to take his Advice what ever came of me and accordingly I did My Sore continually raw Day and Night and ceased not Yea my Soul refused to be Comforted According to that of the Psalmist in the like Case Psal 77. 2. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord my Sore ran in the Night and ceased not My Sould refused to be Comforted I seemed to follow and to ply my Studies rather for Fashion sake and for fear my Lord and my Father should suspect that I Loved Idleness rather than any Love I had thereto or hopes that ever it would turn to any Account for good to my self or others When at any time I look'd into a Book instead of heeding or minding what was in the Book the Eye of my gnawing guilty Conscience was fixed on the many Sins I had committed against God insomuch that all the Sins of my Youth were in all their black and aggravating Circumstances laid and held before me as a Looking-Glass to shew me what a monstrous Sinner I was According to that of David Psal 51. 3. For I acknowledge my Transgressions and my Sin is ever before me Endless were the Tossings and Rowlings of my weary Soul from one sad confusion and despairing Thought to another Innumerable almost were the sorry Prayers such as they were and other Duties which I daily Performed to Keep and Relieve my Despairing Soul with but all in vain Which caused me to conclude that I had been much wanting in the Trade of Works and that had I not been so I might have been acquainted with Peace and Comfort before now To the Trade of doing I again addrest my self resolving not to omit or leave undone any thing which I understood by Reading or Hearing to be matter of Duty Praying understand by the Book for I knew no better Reading Fasting and attending the most lively Preachers frequenting Sacraments giving Alms to the Poor of what Money my Lord and other Relations Handed out to me That Place in Dan. 4. 7. was oft in my Thoughts according to which I gave away whatever I got yea so addicted to Relieve the Poor and Needy was I that I would give away my very Apparel when I had no Money And all this from a Pharisaical and Superstitious conceit that by those Acts of Duty and Service I should Recompence God for those Sins which like a Mill-stone on the Back of a Man were sinking my Soul into the Gulph of Desparation I did abound more and more in Strict and Circumspect Walking according to do and Live the Condition and Tenure of the first Covenant of Works under which I was Labouring for Life The more I wrought at the Trade of Duty the further I found my self from Peace which did cause me to Conclude that my Case was certainly desperate and that it was peculiarly my own and that none that belong'd to God was ever in such a condition as I found my self to be in I then renewed my old practice of going to Ministers acquainting them with the deplorable and wretched State and Condition I was in and earnestly begg'd their Advice and Council what one in my sad Circumstances had best to do in order if it were possible to escape Eternal Damnation Oh! that killing Word Damnation When ever I Heard Read or Thought of it how did it Rack and Torment my Spirit As fearing it would be my Portion for ever As the Principle from which I Acted in order to healing and cure was Do and Live So those Spiritual Physitians to whom I Addrest my self for Council and Comfort in this Despair of Soul being as ignorant in the Mistery of the New Birth as ever was Nicodemus Joh. 3. 4. They put me on doing those Duties in and about which I had Laboured before even to weariness The Names of those Dignitaries of the Church to whom I Applied my self together with what their sayings were are too Tedious to Relate and therefore I here pass them by Only I think fit to Acquaint the Reader with the great and superlative Ingenuity and dexterous Skilfulness in healing a Sin-sick Soul which one of them above the rest had attain'd to to his Everlasting Fame be it Spoken The Thing is thus After I had acquainted the Bishop for of no lower a Degree was he with the sad and lamentable Condition my Soul was in but he forthwith exhorts me to get a Book Stil'd The whole Duty of Man and when I had got it I should come to him for further Instructions The Book I forthwith procured and to his Lord Bishop I repair'd who finding that I had got the Book Takes it out of my Hand and turning to a Prayer appointed for one of the Nights in the Week with great earnestness charged me that when I was ready to go to Bed that I be sure to kneel down by my Bed-side and say that Prayer the which was done according to his Lordships Directions But to how great purpose I leave the Judicious and Experienced Christian to Judge Having thus applied my self to seven or eight of the Ablest and most Fam'd of the Fathers and Dignitaries of the Church of England then in Dublin and finding by woful and sad Experience how little they understood my Case and how vastly short they prov'd in helping me in my Extremity I concluded my
Honour If thou tread in those Steps of Christ which leads to the Heavenly Glory He went to Heaven Antipodes to this vain World wherein thou art So must thou if thou desirest to meet him in Heaven Thou must expect and look to have all the World set against thee for thy Witnessing to the Truth and condemning the Errors and Wickedness of the World Thou must expect and look to be Cast off by Father and all Fleshly Relations for his and the Gospels sake Thou wilt for following Christ in the ways of Holiness be accounted an Hypocrite a self conceited and a self Justifying Precisian and proud Pharisee and that by the greatest Pharisees of the Times The Powers of Darkness will all Combine against thee to Besiege and Fight against thee And yea the very Face of Providence shall seem to Frown and look black on thee to try whether thou wilt stick faithfully to Christ and the Gospel And finally If God call thee to leave all and rather to lay down thy Life than to leave and lose Christ Thou must Trample them all under thy Feet preferring Christ before Father Mother Brethren Wife and Children tho never so Dearly Belov'd yea and thy very Life too What sayest thou to this Sinner wilt thou venture on having or taking Christ on these Terms Sin Ans For ever Blessed and Holy Lord God! Thou knowest how hard this Task is for Flesh and Blood and not only hard but even Impossible yet considering the absolute Necessity of the Choice now laid before me and in regard of that Divine Power whereby I find my Heart made willing to make Choice of Christ on the Terms now mentioned I desire to Choose and have him let God do with me and all that is Dear to me what he Pleaseth so he give me his Christ I am so apprehensive of the Sweet and Soul Enriching Advantages which accompany the Cross that I am very unwilling to be Exempted from it if I may have my own Choice I therefore through the Divine Spirits Gracious Power enabling me hereto do yield my free and full consent to this matchless Match Casting my self on him when actually Married to him in a way of humble dependance for Strength and Power to Act and Suffer a in way of Duty whatever becomes his Disciple and Follower And oh that God above with Christ and the Holy Ghost might say Amen to it Matters being thus Proposed by the Holy Ghost and I the worst and most unworthy of Sinners to be Saved being endued with Power from him to close with the Proposals made I immediately felt my whole Heart and Soul quickned within me and drawn out to an effectual closing with Christ in the offers of the Gospel Like a Ship sticking in the Sand which no Strenght or Art of Men can set a Float till the full Spring Tide come and set her a Float carrying her forth into the Broad Ocean The quickening Virtue of the Holy Ghost and the Attracting Power of the Lord Jesus drew me to believe in him My Soul Crying out with a silent and a still Voice my Lord and my God thou art mine to Save me and I am thine to Serve thee Hereupon I felt as it were another Spirit put into me whereby I was enabled to understand and know the design of the great God in causing so great a Change to pass upon me The Holy Ghost within me Witnessing to his own Work now wrought in my Soul And Sealing me to the Day of Redemption in Believing I felt a Torrent of unspeakable Joy come from above flowing in upon me in such manner and measure as I believe no Saint or Angel in Heaven can set forth or express as I felt it Hereupon I fell into an Holy Extasie and Divine Rapture of unexpressible Joy with these Thoughts and Expressions within my self Oh! What a Change is this which I now sensibly feel A Dead Sinner brought to Life again a Rebel and a Fugitive from God brought Home and Reconciled by the Blood of the Lamb. A Prisoner and a Captive held so long under the killing Terrors of the Law and unmerciful Usurpations and Infernal Assaults of the Powers of Darkness set Free and Manumitted by the Deliverer of Gods Elect. An undone forlorn Sinner shut up under the Power of Vnbelief who a while since would shun and fly from God if he knew how for fear of his Frowns and the Curse due for the breach of his Law Now ready to shoot himself into Heaven and Whimper and Cry like a Child till he be Lodged in the Bosom of God's Love Oh! My Soul Who could have thought of this When the Irons of the Laws Severity had pierced thee so deeply And when the Apprehensions lodg'd in thee of thy being a Reprobate and forsaken of God deliver'd thee up to Desparation The very Portal or Entrance into Hell it self Where am I What is the Matter What am I doing What such a one as I Saved Is it possible Can it be Am I not under a Satanical Dream or Delusion Lord help me to know if it be a Delusion and undeceive me Here I was at a stand for but a little space it was occasioned by my calling to Mind what a deceitful Enemy the Devil is and how near he can go in imitating the Spirit of God in causing flashes of Joy in the Soul of an Awakened Sinner And thinking at the same time whether mine was not so The Spirit of Adoption who began his Good and Blessed Work in my Soul did not leave me in this Cloud But by his own Elucidating and Heart Searching Virtue and Power brings to my Thoughts and Consideration all the Objections which either Devil or Carnal Reason could possibly make against my being Saved by Christ and by manifesting the Fathers Decree and Purpose concerning me in Eternity And laying open the Nature and Design of the Covenant of Grace And the every way Alsufficiency of the Lord Jesus to go through with the Work he hath undertaken for me He fully Answered all Objections and Confuted the False and Sophistial Reasonings brought in by Satan and Corrupt Reason against my being Saved As he most Powerfully convinced me of Sin And the misery which thereby I brought upon my self And that when he became a Spirit of Bondage to fit me for the Great Physitian So likewise now he is become a Spirit of Adoption he as Powerfully convinced me of that Spotless and Everlasting Righteousness of the Mediator God-Man by and for which I was Justified in the Person of my Surety when at his Resurrection God the Father Justified and Acquitted him from all charge of Sin whereto he became liable and obnoxious when he Struck Hands with the Father as a Surety for me and the rest of the Elect. The Twelve Things here following he Particularly assured me of and that as fully and sensibly as ever I was sensible that I saw Natural Light or Darkness 1. He assured me that