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A57001 The works of the famous Mr. Francis Rabelais, doctor in physick treating of the lives, heroick deeds, and sayings of Gargantua and his son Pantagruel : to which is newly added the life of the author / written originally in French, and translated into English by Sr. Thomas Urchard.; Works. English. 1664 Rabelais, François, ca. 1490-1553?; Urquhart, Thomas, Sir, 1611-1660. 1664 (1664) Wing R103; ESTC R24488 220,658 520

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O my pretty little waggish boy said Grangousier what an excellent wit thou hast I will make thee very shortly proceed Doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning and that by G for thou hast more wit then age now I prethie go on in this torcheculaife orw ipe-bummatory discourse and by my beard I swear for one punche on thou shalt have threescore pipes I mean of the good Breton wine not that which growes in Britain but in the good countrey of Verron Afterwards I wiped my bum said Gargantua with a kerchief with a pillow with a pantoufle with a pouch with a pannier but that was a wicked and unpleasant torchecul then with a hat of hats note that some are shorne and others shaggie some velveted others covered with taffitie's and others with sattin the best of all these is the shaggie hat for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter Afterwards I wiped my taile with a hen with a cock with a pullet with a calves skin with a hare with a pigeon with a cormorant with an Atturneyes bag with a montero with a coife with a faulconers lure but to conclude I say and maintain that of all torcheculs arsewisps bumfodders tail-napkins bunghole-cleansers and wipe-breeches there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose that is well douned if you hold her head betwixt your legs and beleeve me therein upon mine honour for you will thereby feele in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure both in regard of the softnesse of the said doune and of the temperate heat of the goose which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards insofarre as to come even to the regions of the heart and braines and think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their Asphodele Ambrosia or Nectar as our old women here use to say but in this according to my judgement that they wipe their tailes with the neck of a goose holding her head betwixt their legs and such is the opinion of Master Iohn of Scotland alias Scotus CHAP. XIV How Gargantua was taught Latine by a Sophister THe good man Grangousier having heard this discourse was ravished with admiration considering the high reach and marvellous understanding of his sonne Gargantua and said to his governesses Philip King of Macedon knew the great wit of his sonne Alexander by his skilful managing of a horse for his horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure to ride him after that he had given to his Riders such devillish falls breaking the neck of this man the other mans leg braining one and putting another out of his jaw-bone This by Alexander being considered one day in the hippodrome which was a place appointed for the breaking and managing of great horses he perceived that the fury of the horse proceeded meerly from the feare he had of his own shadow whereupon getting on his back he run him against the Sun so that the shadow fell behinde and by that meanes tamed the horse and brought him to his hand whereby his father knowing the divine judgement that was in him caused him most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle who at that time was highly renowned above all the Philosophers of Greece after the same manner I tell you that by this only discourse which now I have here had before you with my sonne Gargantua I know that his understanding doth participate of some divinity and that if he be well taught and have that education which is fitting he will attain to a supreme degree of wisdome Therefore will I commit him to some learned man to have him indoctrinated according to his capacity and will spare no cost Presently they appointed him a great Sophister-Doctor called Master Tubal Holophernes who taught him his A B C so well that he could say it by heart backwards and about this he was five yeares and three moneths Then read he to him Donat facet theodolet and Alanus in parabolis About this he was thirteen years six moneths and two weeks but you must remark that in the mean time he did learn to write in Gottish characters and that he wrote all his books for the Art of printing was not then in use and did ordinarily carry a great pen and inkhorne weighing above seven thousand quintals that is 700000 pound weight the penner whereof was as big and as long as the great pillar of Enay and the horne was hanged to it in great iron chaines it being of the widenesse of a tun of merchand ware After that he read unto him the book de modis significandi with the Commentaries of Hurtbise of Fasquin of Tropifeu of Gualhaut of Ihon Calf of Billonio of Berlinguandus and a rabble of others and herein he spent more then eighteen yeares and eleven monethes and was so well versed in it that to try masteries in School-disputes with his condisciples he would recite it by heart backwards and did sometimes prove on his fingers ends to his mother quod de modis significandi non erat scientia Then did he reade to him the compost for knowing the age of the Moon the seasons of the year and tides of the sea on which he spent sixteen yeares and two moneths and that justly at the time that his said Praeceptor died of the French Pox which was in the yeare one thousand foure hundred and twenty Afterwards he got an old coughing fellow to teach him named Master Iobelin Bride or muzled doult who read unto him Hugotio Flebard Grecisme the doctrinal the parts the quid est the supplementum Marmoretus de moribus in mensa servandis Seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus Passavantus cum commentar and dormi securè for the holy days and some other of such like mealie stuffe by reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an Oven CHAP. XV. How Gargantua was put under other School-masters AT the last his father perceived that indeed he studied hard and that although he spent all his time in it did neverthelesse profit nothing but which is worse grew thereby foolish simple doted and blockish whereof making a heavie regret to Don Philip of Marays Viceroy or deputie-King of Papeligosse he found that it were better for him to learne nothing at all then to be taught such like books under such Schoolmasters because their knowledge was nothing but brutishnesse and their wisdome but blunt foppish toyes serving only to bastardize good and noble spirits and to corrupt all the flower of youth That it is so take said he any young boy of this time who hath only studied two yeares if he have not a better judgement a better discourse and that expressed in better termes then your sonne with a compleater carriage and civility to all manner of persons account me for ever hereafter a very clounch and baconslicer of Brene This pleased Grangousier very
well be dispossest who drink holy water as one would do a weavers shuttle whereof suppositories are made to those that will not resigne but on the termes of ell and tell and giving of one thing for another Tunc my Lords quid juris pro minoribus for the common custom of the salick law is such that the first incendiarie or fire-brand of sedition that flayes the Cow and wipes his nose in a full consort of musick without blowing in the Coblers stitches should in the time of the night-mare sublimate the penury of his member by mosse gathered when people are like to foundre themselvs at the messe at midnight to give the estrapade to these white-wines of Anjou that do the feat of the leg in lifting it by horsemen called the Gambetta and that neck to neck after the fashion of Britanie concluding as before with costs damages and interests After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended Pantagruel said to the Lord of Kissebreech My friend have you a minde to make any reply to what is said No my Lord answered Kissebreech for I have spoke all I intended and nothing but the truth therefore put an end for Gods sake to our difference for we are here at great charge CHAP. XIII How Pahtagruel gave judgement upon the difference of the two Lords THen Pantagruel rising up assembled all the Presidents Counsellors and Doctors that were there and said unto them Come now my Masters you have heard vivae vocis or aculo the Controversie that is in question what do you think of it They answered him We have indeed heard it but have not understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case and therefore we beseech you unâ voce and in courtesie request you that you would give sentence as you think good and ex nunc prout ex tunc we are satisfied with it and do ratifie it with our full consents Well my Masters said Pantagruel seeing you are so pleased I will do it but I do not truly finde the case so difficult as you make it your paragraph Ca●on the law Frater the law Gallus the law Quinque pedum the law Vinum the law Si Dominus the law Mater the law Mulier bona the law Si quis the law Pomponius the law Fundi the law Emptor the law Praetor the law Venditor and a great many others are farre more intricate in my opinion After he had spoke this he walked a turn or two about the hall plodding very profoundly as one may think for he did groan like an Asse whilest they girth him too hard with the very intensivenesse of considering how he was bound in conscience to do right to both parties without varying or accepting of persons Then he returned sate down and began to pronounce sentence as followeth Having seen heard calculated and well considered of the difference between the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist the Court saith unto them that in regard of the sudden quaking shivering and hoarinesse of the flickermouse bravely declining from the estival solstice to attempt by private means the surprisal of toyish trifles in those who are a little unwell for having taken a draught too much through the lewd demeanour and vexation of the beetles that inhabit the Diarodal climate of an hypocritical Ape on horseback bending a Crossebowe backwards The Plaintiffe truly had just cause to calfet or with Ockam to stop the chinks of the gallion which the good woman blew up with winde having one foot shod and the other bare reimbursing and restoring to him low and stiffe in his conscience as many bladder-nuts and wilde pistaches as there is of haire in eighteen Cowes with as much for the embroiderer and so much for that He is likewise declared innocent of the case priviledged from the Knapdardies into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred because he could not jocundly and with fulnesse of freedom untrusse and dung by the decision of a paire of gloves perfumed with the sent of bum-gunshot at the walnut-tree taper as is usual in his countrey of Mirobalois Slacking therefore the top-saile and letting go the boulin with the brazen bullets where with the Mariners did by way of protestation bake in paste-meat great store of pulse interquilted with the dormouse whose hawks bells were made with a puntinaria after the manner of Hungary or Flanders lace and which his brother in law carried in a Panier lying near to three chevrons or bordered gueules whilest he was clean out of heart drooping and crest-fallen by the too narrow sifting canvassing and curious examining of the matter in the angulary dog-hole of nastie scoundrels from whence we shoot at the vermiformal popingay with the flap made of a foxtaile But in that he chargeth the Defendant that he was a botcher cheese-eater and trimmer of mans flesh imbalmed which in the arsiversie swagfall tumble was not found true as by the Defendant was very well discussed The Court therefore doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of curds well cemented and closed together shining like pearles and Codpieced after the fashion of the Countrey to be payed unto the said Defendant about the middle of August in May but on the other part the Defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble for stopping the caltrops of his throat troubled and impulregafized with gabardines garbeled shufflingly and friends as before without costs and for cause Which sentence being pronounced the two Parties departed both contented with the decree which was a thing almost incredible for it never came to passe since the great rain nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees hereafter that two Parties contradictorily contending in judgment be equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive sentence As for the Counsellors other Doctors in the law that were there present they were all so ravished with admiration at the more then humane wisdom of Pantagruel which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so accurate decision of this so difficult and thornie cause that their spirits with the extremity of the rapture being elevated above the pitch of actuating the organs of the body they fell into a trance and sudden extasie wherein they stayed for the space of three long houres and had been so as yet in that condition had not some good people fetched store of vineger and rose-water to bring them again unto their former sense and understanding for the which God be praised every where And so be it CHAP. XIV How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the hands of the Turks THe great wit and judgement of Pantagruel was immediately after this made known unto all the world by setting forth his praises in print and putting upon record this late wonderful proof he hath given thereof amongst the Rolls of the Crown and Registers of the Palace in such sort that every body began to say that Solomon who by a probable