the Lord would be pleased to pardon all the unbeleeving workings of my corrupt heart and those hard thoughts I had had of God and that he would please to give in such clear visions of himself as might mightily increase my faith which desires of mine were spread before the Lord that day But having received at this time some little refreshings from those instructions the Lord was pleased then to communicate by Mr. Knight from Heb. 12. 5-13 From which Scripture I was also convinced that in most of the chastisements the Lord had seen meet to lay me under I had either despised his chastisements or else fainted under them the Lord I say having this day broke in thus upon my heart by his spirit through his word the Divell soon begins again with me taking this opportunity I having set my self and endeavoured to lay my heart to the word and see what comfortable grounds I could take up that the Lord had indeed afflicted me in mercy c. The Divell now begins to indeavour to puffe up my spirit with a conceipt that I was able to speak more in this kind than many others who were at that time also by him presented but through mercy this did not passe many days before the Lord sadly shewed me my folly and weakness herein for a little while after there was an other day kept to which meeting I went and truely after I came there the Lord set home these wicked thoughts together with severall other things which wrought so upon my spirit that my heart was even overwhelmed within me in so much that I could not keep it to my self but was constrained to discover it by my carriage which Mr. Knight taking notice of spake to me after the exercise at which time I was so farre from that ability that Sathan possessed me with thoughts of that I was not able in any measure to speak my heart to him but was as it were one whom the Lord had given up to a dumb spirit and thought those three words which was all that I could then speak were through a meer mistake sadly mis-construed by him yet had I not power to speak one word to clear my meaning supposing it might possibly be that the Lord had something to speak to me even through that mistake there was also this day a word set home very much on my heart from something Mr. Milborn noted to us which also added much to my sadness and it was this that I had prayed and prayed again and again but when I had done I never looked after the returns of them having never yet any experience made out to me that I durst acknowledge this or that to be a return of my prayer nay though the Lord had given in a mercy that I had begged of him I was still for many years tempted to beleeve that it had been so though I had not prayed and so it was not given in as an answer to prayer which did much eat out the sweetness of those mercies which I did enjoy in so much that me thinks I do now even stand and admire what it was that did at that time support my spirit carry me on in a continued seeking of God being not able then to record an answer of prayer at all that I can bring to mind However the Lord had been pleased before this time to give me many gracious answers to my poor desires yet were mine eyes withheld from seeing them to be so and taking the comfort thereof untill a long after yea sometimes some years after some of them were given in which yet afterwards the Lord was pleased to make out unto me even before the writing hereof But after all this the Lord by the acts of his providence seemed much to crosse these hopes and desires of his people in joyning in fellowship together which when I heard of it was a great trouble to me who greatly desired the accomplishment of it sometimes thinking that it might be even for my sake alone that the Lord had done it Other times being tempted to think that if it had been the Lords acting to work up my spirit to that pitch that I thought I found it wrought up unto then he would also have gone on to have perfected my desires but being again inabled on the other side to reason thus with my self that it is my duty to wait patiently upon the Lord and submit to him as well for the time as for the matter I indeavoured the Lord assisting me to quiet my spirit with such thoughts as these that the Lord might delay it in much mercy that so I might be the more fit for it when he shall please to accomplish it apprehending that surely he saw me not yet fit for such a mercy then did I again turn to the Lord and thus desire to submit to him begging of him to fit me for such a mercy and if he saw it good to afford me the mercy here if not that he would direct me where to joyn that might be more for his glory and my soules good Thus was the Lord pleased to go on well nigh a quarter of a year still coming in with more light and discoveries of his love to my soul and clearing up to me more and more that work which he had begun through his rich and free grace in my Lord Jesus in whom I did now desire only and alone to be found and not in any of my own righteousnesses who had now inabled me to see to be very lothsome and abominable though formerly I had too much doted upon them Then in the third moneth in the year 1652. Mr. Knight being gone into the North the Lord was pleased by a meer providence as I desire to look upon it not knowing as yet but that I may also say as a return of many of my former poor desires to send Mr. Rogers to the meeting at Mr. Knights house having preached one Lords day before at the Chappel at Hammersmith which occasioned very strong and earnest desires in me to hear him again which now I did the Lord directing him this time to speak unto us concerning Church discipline which I was yet very dark in which the Lord inabled him to give me very much and great satisfaction which otherwise I have cause to fear I might more inconsiderately have rushed upon Thus was the Lord pleased I hope in answer to my poor desires yet farther to clear up this way of his to me proving it clearly to be the way of the Gospel and that which every one ought to be fully satisfied in before they enter upon This being now more cleared unto me my desires and longings after the enjoyment of God in this Sion grew more strong and earnest I continually mentioning it before the Lord. After this really I cannot tell but that I should rob the Lord of his glory in this particular if I should not also acknowledg him further by my poor
Christs heart and see with what bowels of affection he speaketh how freely himself offers the riches of mercy take why what or whom should we take but himself possess himself thus he standeth calling and crying take me love me receive me eat me drink me let me be yours oh high love he doth not bid the soul take wrath vengeance death or hell but take me Secondly his commands are more to pleasure you then himself why should we take Christ why this is my body that was broken for you my blood that was shed for you take me for your own sakes for you need me to refresh your hearts therefore take me not that I shall be the better by it but that you may have more pleasure and delight in me that may do you all good oh high love Thirdly observe Christ sees our need better then our selves there are bowels of compassion in him what for a man that enjoyeth much to look out for them that want much yet so it is here you have not the disciples crying oh Christ give us thy self and blood but here is a Christ who having it and knowing that we stand in need of it offers it freely take oh admirable love Fourthly observe he is not content till you be fully supplyed he setteth no bounds but take and eat as much as your hearts will hold take what who le me all of me my spirit blood mediation with the Father all my righteousness take all he stinteth no man but opens wide the treasure of his grace Fifthly observe hence Christ is well acquainted with the fears of his Saints hearts therefore saith he take imploing as if the trembling heart would say O Lord I dare not these things are too great and good I know thy fears saith Christ but I lay a law on thee that wil make thee give over all for this law comes with power take and eat he bids you take and that on pain of disobedience to Christ when Sathan and sinne and corruption say eat not then remember what Christ your Lord saith take and eat and hearken not unto the voyce of of a stranger if any say eat not Christ sayes eat though the fears are great and the tremblings many that are on a gracious heart yet still Christ biddeth them take and eat Sixthly Christ knew the Saints would tremble on the point of unworthiness therefore he saith take eat why what is it but my body that is broken for you will you throw away that which is for you but you are unworthy why this is that which maketh you worthy because this is that out of which issues out all righteousness to you and though they may cry out they were unfit he commands them to remember how fit Christ is for them for whom is bread fit but for them that are weak and need nourishment for whom is that wine but him that is of a sorrowful heart for whom is that act of Christ but for that soul that cries Lord I am unworthy thou shouldest come under my roofe Seventhly he saith take which is a giving a man a propriety and possession of himself and this is that indeed this ordinance gives forth when a man so taketh Christ as that Christ is his take eat this is my body that is broken for you shewing that the Saints ought in the communication of this divine mystery to take Christ wholly by this to claim propriety because nothing can be more ours then a thing that is given us and we sinne against him if we take him not O therefore take him as your own He saith not onely take but eat you take in order to eating so that your acceptation of Christ is that you might be satisfied with Christ and filled for he is not onely to gaze on as the brasen Serpent was but to feed on as the manna was therefore saith Christ take and eat rendring himself in the most easie way of administration nothing under heaven a man is more easily drawn to then to eat a hungry man need not be much perswaded to eat yet behold here First That you had need to be intreated to eat and feed on Christ else what need this word but to note that the Saints were apt to stand still when they should be feeding on Christ therefore saith he take and eat Secondly This is of all other the most easie way of partaking being a natural act for that a man eateth putteth him to no pain yea the pain within is supplyed the hunger satisfied Thirdly He setteth no bounds but take and eat it is a command that lyeth on us for the supply of wants and the cheering of our hearts for so farre we may eat and no further Christ bids you take what you need implying 1. That there is enough in Christ for any Saint to eat else it would not become Christ to bid them but he saith take and eat implying that no Saint can say Lord I have a desire to eat but here is not enough they cannot say I have sinnes and guilt but can find no pardon no Christ bids you eat implying there is enough to feed on 2. He setteth you no time neither but eat as long as you live yea untill his coming again O how abundantly did those hints take upon my heart and even swallow up my soul in the admiration of that love the Lord grant it may abide upon my spirit for ever March the 30 the Lord was pleased in some measure to give in an answer to that desire put up March 25. for the pouring out of his spirit upon the brethren through whom the Lord was pleased to appear lively in my apprehension and in a spiritual manner in him whose spirit seemed to melt under the thoughts of the weight of that exercise March the 30 the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart in the behalfe of my Mother whom I apprehended to ly under some sadness in respect of the want of the clear sight of her interest in God beseeching him that he would be pleased to wean her more from the world and all things here below and that he would be pleased to manifest himself to her and let down the light of his countenance upon her and shew her his face and not his back that as he had been pleased to shine upon my poor heart and the hearts of others of his Saints through prayer so that he would also be pleased at this time to let this request come up in remembrance before him and give in a gracious answer to it as also that he would be pleased to pour out his spirit upon her and let it be a spirit of grace and supplication in the sense of the want of which her spirit groaned for before him as also under the sight of her unprofitableness under all ordinances beseeching him that as it was he and he alone that causeth his people to profit so that he would please to give out to this his
moneth observing Mr. Knight somewhat astonished at the passages of providence in the government upon which for some time he was very weak in praying for it and seeking the Lord for them in place which was a great trouble to my spirit whereupon I made a draught of a letter to send to him wherein I presented him with my scattered thoughts desiring him to take a veiw of what he delivered to us the last thanksgiving day from that Isai 65. 24. before they call I will answer shewing that God was so quick in his work in these latter dayes that he often left his own behind with some other such hints which letter I did not send fearing to presse too farre upon my own ability in that kind But how abundantly did the Lord answer those desires which were onely upon my heart but not presented at all save onely before the Lord who was pleased to draw out his heart to mention them before him and afterwards upon the 10 of the 6 moneth upon the occasion of a day kept to seek the Lord for them the Lord was pleased again to cast in thoughts upon the same Scripture in Isai 65. 24. before they call I will answer which was a real answer of my poor desires wherein the Lord shewed me that the desires I had were yet upon his heart for which bless the Lord O my soul who though thou didst not press them those desires being hindred by some thoughts arising in my own mind yet was pleased to give me to see the desired issue which thou didst aim at There was the 10 of the 6 moneth at a private day of humiliation we kept with respect to the publick affairs of the nation our selves four papers of desires put up to the Lord to Mr. Knight these two first the Lord hath begun graciously to answer the tenth of this sixth moneth The first was this one to whom the Lord hath discovered from his word what great advantages there are held out in it to the cleansing of the soul and perfecting of holiness in them but the party not being able to discern them to be made real advantages to their souls although if their heart deceive them not it is the great desire and expectation of their souls to perfect holiness and the want of the sight of it their continued burthen which maketh them even cry out for deliverance and for the accomplishment of the time wherein they shall dishonour God no more but shall be made like unto him desires your remembrance before the Lord to those ends that seeing his will is in those things and that the promise is so full concerning the accomplishment of it that he would please to discover to their souls why it is that the work goes so heavily on and what shall be discovered to be the let it may also by him be removed whatever it be though in things never so near and dear and their hearts supported and born up and made submissively-willing to lye down at his feet to be made to do to bear to suffer to forsake any thing for his glory But how graciously did the Lord this same day being the tenth day of this sixth moneth begin to answer one main thing in this request discovering to my soul that haply one main end why he did not perfect this work of holiness in me but suffer corruption still to work might be that I might yet cry out more mightily to him happly I have not been so importunate in my desires after sanctification as after remission and pardon and the sight of sinne and that the Lord would have me yet to cry more mightily and wrestle it out with him and resolve to give him no rest yet not that I should content my self in pouring out those desires to him and so rest there as was also hinted to me the same day but to be watchful over my heart and conscience watching and praying calling and crying untill the Lord appears and not to think it enough to spread these desires before the Lord and then give way to sinne and temptation and corruption and as was the next day the eleventh of this 6 moneth 1653. hinted to me what was Gods end in discovering the power and strength of sin but that we come more near to him and by faith roul upon his covenant and promise for strength against it and on the other side what is Sathans end in setting home sinne with the aggravations of it but to make us sit down in discouragement now O my soul is it better for thee to accomplish Gods end or Sathans end oh therefore close in with God beg power and strength of him to do it Nay in farther answer the Lord was pleased to enable me to expostulate with that unbelief and first of my own heart this eleventh day saying O my soul is it not thy duty to beleeve for is it not said blessed are they that beleeve though thou see not lust and corruption subdued by the eye of sense yet O my soul roul upon the Covenant and promise by faith for faith is the substance of things not seen and the evidence of things hoped for therefore when thou come to be fully rid of this body of death then faith shall cease and be of no use but now is the time to act faith when thou canst by the eye of sense see nothing but thy self to be compassed in with a body of death and corruption And for the want of the sight of holiness perfected in the fear of God the Lord doth not onely discover that his will lies in this work that it is his will even our sanctification and that we may well remember him with it and pray as he teacheth us that his will may be done so it shall certainly be but did the Lord discover to my soul the eleventh of this moneth that this also was part of the prayer of Christ sanctify them through thy truth Joh. 17. and he saith in Joh. 11. speaking at Lasazrus his grave I thank thee O Father that thou hast heard me alwayes but I speak it for their sakes that they might beleeve now O my soul if this be Christs prayer and that as he saith Joh. 17. not for the disciples onely but all that should after beleeve and if God heareth him in what ever he asketh as he saith he doth then O my soul up and beleeve for this work shall certainly go on The truth is the Lord did herein not onely answer to this but to the other request also that was this day presented so that the Lord did answer them both even as I did at once present them both blessed for ever be his name Which gracious answer caused my soul the next day to present this short desire also to Mr. Knight to be put up to God in way of thanks saying one whom the Lord hath been pleased through rich grace and mercy to hear and answer since our last meeting desires to
may prove the reallest advantage of spiritual good to my soul yet fearing whether it do indeed come from him or no causeth some trembling upon my spirit how to act if it be a plot of his it is a fair one arising after this manner having often found great appearances of God as I hope I may say to his praise I have in other of his ordinances but finding my heart oftentimes very much shut up as it were and given over to deadness dulness and heaviness of spirit which was no way suitable to a spiritual heart and soul-quickning ordinance and finding this very much to prevail even at this present desiring your prayers that the Lord would direct me what to do by discovering to my soul whether indeed it doth arise from a subtilty of Sathan yea or no or whether it be a lively alarum from heaven to my soul thus trembling in my self whether my forbearance may not be found a yeilding to Sathan or whether on the other side I may not attempt and provoke the Lord by rushing unpreparedly upon his holy things thus desiring to give up my self into the hands of the Lord waiting for the breathings of his spirit through the help of your prayers I beseech the Lord alone to guide and lead my soul in all its motions and actions in this present world untill he shall bring it to a full enjoyment of himself in the perfection of holiness which my soul waiteth and longeth for where I shall fully enjoy what now my poor soul hath but a transient taste of which the Lord accomplish in his own time and make me willing to wait my appointed time until my change come that when ever my Lord comes I may be found watching The 10 of this 8 moneth oh my soul did not the Lord give me a gracious answer and return to this desire and prayer forementioned even whiles thou wert pouring out thy soul before the Lord wherein thou didst lament the corruption of thy heart begging of the Lord that he would subdue this wicked frame of spirit this deadness and dulness in his services and continuing issuing out of corruption pleading and arguing it out with the Lord after this manner that though thou wert unworthy altogether to beg any mercy from him or this mercy yet were there not others of his poor servants that were pleading with him for my poor soul nay was not my Lord Jesus now at his right hand pleading for me that I might not be pulled out of his hand For how can the Lord endure wickedness any lust or corruption to possesse my heart and take the Scepter out of his hand and so to rule and reign over me nay could my soul bear it to be thus over-powred and to have my heart thus drawn from Christ and thus captivated by sinne and Sathan when one word of his mouth could set my soul at liberty beseeching the Lord to search me and to try me for he knew whether those desires and teares and groanes came from my heart yea or no yea I know thou dost search me and knowest my heart but Lord discover also to me and if there be any hypocrisy in my spirit in this regard oh that thou wouldest answer me so by fire to consume that drosse and corruption in my soul yea whatsoever thyrighteous eyeseeth in me that is darkening to thy glory and withall telling the Lord how like a flood of mighty waters this corruption come in upon me one wave following another that I had no power to withstand it though he had discovered much of himself to my sonl and of the riches of his grace and emptiness of all other things that yet my soul should so run after vanity beseeching the Lord to give a real turn to all the affections of my soul and to fix them upon the Lord Jesus Christ where they shall be sure to be returned This was in the morning of the 10. day then did the Lord further satisfie and quiet my heart in my Evening sacrifice that same day his spirit breathed in my soul after this manner dear Lord oh that thou wouldest suppresse this spirit of murmuring under thy hand and if thou wilt have thy poor creature still to wrestle and strive under a body of death and corruption and temptations and snares and intanglements oh that thou wouldst help me in this work that I may not yeild under it but may hold out in a continual resistance and sighing and never give over or making any peace with sinne and though thou dost not see meet utterly to root out sinne yet oh Lord give it its deadly blow let it be still dying and withering and decaying and work in my soul growing and increasing even untill thou hast fully perfected it About the tenth of this eighth month this experience was given in to my soul by the Lord concerning Sathans dealing with my soul and some refreshments to support my spirit under it Oh my soul hath not Sathan dealt with thee concerning this great ordinance of the Lords supper even as he hath formerly done concerning the great duty of prayer how often hath he suggested to thee that it is to no end to pray to the Lord reasoning thus with thee oftentimes dost thou think there is any such God as thou prayest to did he ever hear thee or give thee any token of answer why then dost thou continually appeal to him and pour out thy soul before him and hath he not done just thus about this ordinance of the Lords Supper thou wicked spirit how often hast thou been proved a lyar what eminent tokens hath God given me of his hearing prayer from time to time both concerning my self and others and therein have proved thee a lyar and why then oh my soul shouldst thou not beleeve that Sathan will also prove a lyar in this is not the Lord yesterday and to day and for ever is his arm shortened or his hand weakened that he cannot save and deliver and appear to thee in as glorious a manner as ever oh then wait for him and what if thou waitest untill thy dissolution it will be happinesse more then thou dost deserve to be found waiting yet thou dost not know how soon he may appear to thee About the middle of the eight month 1653 O my soul what are thy continued fears are they not lest any thing should withdraw or steal away thy heart from the Lord dost not thou daily beg of him rather to crucifie all thy earthly desires what ever then any way to satisfie any of them A Letter to Mr. Knight the sixteenth of the eighth Moneth 1653. In Answer to the former desire to him the ninth of the same moneth to blesse the Lord for the Answer Dear Sir Having formerly in the time of my sadnesse desired your remembrance before the Lord who hath appeared in prayer both publick and private as also many other wayes thereby staying my poor spirit to wait upon him
press very much upon me this day vvhich blessed counsell my desire and prayer vvas that the Lord vvould frame and mould me into gathering up my soul more into Jesus Christ and out of all other things vvhatsoever The 24. of this 7 Month being the Lords day I was in expectation to have heard Mr. Knight but when I came to Fulham there was a stranger and when I heard him to pray so strangely I was struck with an exceeding damp wishing my self somewhere else yet desiring to still my spirit and to wait upon the Lord who is able to hint out somewhat that might be of advantage to me he spake from Joh 5. 25. in which he shewed us that men might be alive naturally and yet dead spiritually and so pressed us to the tryal of our estates which I thought might be a call from God to check me for my neglect in this work and to put me upon that duty he tells us that God was the life of the soule as the soule was the life of the body and when God was departed from the soul it was dead and that which maketh God depart is sin proved from Isa 59. 2. In which Scripture me thought the Lord did secretly hint to my soul that my sin was the cause of all the withdrawings of the light of his face and manifestations of his gracious presence from me and of his seeming not to hear the desires and prayers offered up to him which discoverie I looked upon as an answer of my desires and prayers that day and as an appearance of his through his instruction this day The 25. of this 7. month The Lord in the morning drew out my heart to beg of him that he would please to be present that day being to go to my Aunt Doggets to guide and direct me in all my words and actions being some what distracted and disturbed in my own thoughts and mind and not so contentedly submitting to all the providences of God as I ought to do and after some discourse and hot dispute at dinner between Mr. Aldgate and my selfe at which time I dealt plainly with him according to my poor measure after which Mrs. Aldgate very unexpectedly from me and unusually from her was very earnest to have me go and read in a litle book of hers concerning content Marvelling in my mind at this strange and unusual thing in her looking upon it as some providence happily to me who had seen the book before but looked upon it in a slight cursory way and not with any valuation of it yet now I thought that happily the Lord might have some thing to speak to me out of it and so I took the book and went to reading therein for an hour or more and truly the Lord was pleased to lead me to most sensible and seasonable things to the frame of my wretched spirit by which it convinced me that I did not contentedly submit to his will in all conditions for if I did then there would be a silence in my spirit yea a joyful frame of spirit yea a continued giving thanks to him and many such like things by way of discovery together with many sensible directions and instructions which I desire to acknowledg as a mercy beging that the Lord would make these hints effectual to my soule The 27. of the 7. month expecting that our brother â—ental was to preach that day I had some discouragements whether to go or no but at last the Lord was pleased to give a turne to my spirit and upon one accompt or an other I at last resolved to go and see what the Lord would do for me there desiring to wait upon him and withal telling him in the morning that he had graciously appeared to my soul and given me eminent tokens of his appearance through weak instruments beseeching him to add one mercy more this day and give my soul a real visite from Heaven through whatever instrument he should please to use But oh my soul how graciously was the Lord pleased to bow down and condescend to ansvver those poor scattered desires and vouchsafe my soul a most fit and seasonable vvord this day by that our brother vvho spake from Matth. 6. Take no thought what you shall eat or drink or wherewith you shall be cloathed vvhence he shewed the Lord Jesus did greatly forbid all carking cares or solicitude of spirit about present enjoyments or future events together with many other seasonable instructions reprehensions and directions to wait upon the Lord and rest on him and cast all our burthens on him and the like most seasonable things to my wretched spirit The 28. of this 7. month being Thursday and Mr. Knights day to preach at the Abby I had strong desires to hear him and yet somewhat discouraged from some passages of providence fearing vvhether or no I vvent out of desire only to hear vvhich lay somevvhat heavy upon me and greatly oppressed my spirit causing it to breath out to the Lord after this manner That if he did see my heart not to be set aright to seek him and him only in this undertaking that he would please some way or other to hinder me or cause some special providence or other to instruct me and keep me from rushing on this undertaking on any self-ends or designs whatever beseeching him to guide me lead and instruct me this day and vouchsafe his glorious presence with my soul and the pouring out of his Spirit upon his servant that was to speak to us And truly I desire to acknowledge to the praise of God that he was pleased much to deaden my heart to the creature before I went out and to put it into a frame desirous to wait for any discovery from him when he pleaseth expecting all the way as we went whether the Lord would please to suffer us to go through yea or nay desiring not to murmure at him in it but to submit quietly to his will in what manner soever he should please to reveal it But being not by any providence prevented in the way we went where the Lord was pleased greatly to draw out Master Knights heart in prayer in such suteable things as if the Lord from heaven should say I know thy wants and weakness and will supply them Providence casting him upon the same thoughts spoken in the fifth Chapter of John and the five and twenty Verse the Lord again by it checking me for my neglect of examination of my spiritual life The End of the Second Book THE THIRD BOOK OF EXPERIENCES Which the Lord hath given my soul of the gracious answers and returns of Prayer c. These Records I desire to leave of Gods appearance to my soul from time to time which I trust if my wicked heart deceive me not was done upon this account that wherein I have failed in my life-time in declaring how good the Lord hath been to such a wretch as I am I might yet leave a good report