Touchstone and not to be satisfied till he findes that he hath got more than ever any Hypocrite yet had or can have The best of God's Children are most suspicious of themselves and afraid of their own deceitful hearts Do but see how David carrieth it in Psal 139. What is his great request that he must have granted or he can't be satisfied Is it not that God would deliver him from mistakes in matters of everlasting consequence so Psal 119.80 Pardon this tediousness upon these things if most of the Professors of the World did not split upon these Rocks I should pass these things over with silence Fourthly All that dye quietly are not happy after Death It 's no unusual thing for the wicked to carry their false peace with them to the Grave I have heard indeed many poor People boasting of their deceased Friends and pleasing themselves to think how happy they were Because they dyed like Lambs to use their own expression Alas alas how many thousands are there that dye like Lambs that are but Swine and have the Devil 's Brand upon their Foreheads It 's dangerous arguing from peoples carriage upon a Death-bed what their state is in another World such is the hardness of Mens hearts so dreadful the searedness of their Consciences and so great the subtilty of Satan that many are carried very quietly to Hell and fear nothing till they feel and are not brought to their senses till unspeakable horror and anguish doth it And on the other side how many of the precious Sons of Zion have seat in a Cloud how many of the dear Children of God may go out of the World thorow a painful Death are not their intellectuals sometimes impaired their reason Clouded and their Bodyes upon the Rack and yet in a moment they feel themselves swallowed up of that Glory and the doleful antecedents of their happiness did but make their rest more sweet and welcome and put an accent upon their bliss The truth of it is it hath not a little puzled some as well as David to construe God's dispensations to see the wicked dye quietly Psal 73.4 and the godly to have a strange Death but God will shortly resolve this Riddle and I think it were no very difficult thing for a serious understanding Man to give himself considerable satisfaction in this business May not the wicked dye quietly because his Conscience is quite seared and he may perswade himself that he hath made an agreement with Death and Hell may he not hope that there is no such place as Hell or if there is that it is tolerable may he not make himself believe that the Word of God is not true and invisibles are all but fansies or that God is so merciful as that he will not damn him and many such things the Devil helps his Servants with that so his service may not be disparaged and that he may have the better advantage to tempt others There is much also in the nature of the Disease and it may be God may try his own Children with acute pains and let Sathan buffer them to manifest the excellency of his Power and their Grace to try others of his Children whether for all this they will serve him and some Persons of admirable attainments and great experiences while in health may have some considerable Tryals upon a Death-bed that poor Christians which were ready to fear because they had not their enjoyments that therefore they had nothing at all might see that great Saints have their Tryals as well as they but I shall be far briefer in other things I come now to shew you who they are that are blessed at their Death and to give them a brief Description of those which dye in the Lord. First They are such who are made thorowly to understand that they were sometimes quite dead in sins and trespasses that they were Aliens from the Common-wealth of Israel and strangers to the Covenant of Grace Secondly They are Persons which are convinced of that misery of such a state and made to know that if they dye in their sins they must be buried in Flames Thirdly Vpon this they are out of love with their most beloved sins and count that which was their life joy and pleasure to be a very Death misery and Hell whereupon they set themselves in good earnest against sin as the greatest evil in the World they believe now That if they live after the Flesh they shall dye but if through the Spirit they mortifie the deeds of the Flesh they shall live Upon this account they use all the means that they can to get their corruptions weakned an inward principle Divine Life Now he begins to act them which is as contrary to Sin as Heaven to Hell a Spirit of ingenuity restrains them How shall they do this and sin against God They now see sin in its colours as it is contrary to the best good God they can see its killing and damning Nature in the Agonies and Sufferings of Christ and they feel the doleful effects of sin in their Soul and body both and upon this account they can say what have I to do with Vanity any more Shall I still hug this Serpent shall I still Sail with this Jonah in my Vessel and shall I after all this keep this Dalilah in my Bosom No but O that I could hate it Ten Thousand times more than I do There is an enmity raised in the Soul against sin which can't be satisfied till it see the Death of Sin now this is a Person that is fit for Death and Death it will as you shall hear afterwards do him a World of kindness in shewing him the Heads of all his Enemies 4. An other quality of this Person which is like to make such a blessed end is this he is one that is dead to the World Faith hath discovered a better Country to him it hath spyed that new Jerusalem and those blessed Regions and now the Soul thinks the World scarce worthy of a serious thought or look he takes himself to be a kind of Prisoner here and the whole World but a Dungeon if compared with that state of liberty and glory he now joyns with David and says Whom have I in Heaven but thee and there is none upon Earth that I can desire beside thee This is the Man that is like to be a gainer by Death he who contemns Earth and makes Heaven his choice shall never finde himself a loser 5. Another property of the Man which shall be blessed at Death is this he is one that takes Christ for life and happiness Time was indeed he was of an other mind sin was his delight and none so despicable in his Eye as Christ but God in free and rich grace hath taken away the Scales from his Eyes and healed him of his miserable blindness and let him see such a loveliness in the Lord Christ as that now he is able to say
Death Unstung A SERMON Preached at the Funeral of THOMAS MOWSLEY An Apothecary who died July 1669. With a Brief Narrative of his Life and Death Also the manner of Gods dealings with him before and after his Conversion Drawn up by his own hand and Published By James Janeway Minister of the Gospel O Death where is thy sting Come and hear all ye that fear God and I will declare what he hath done for my soul Psal 66. v. 16. LONDON Printed for Dorman Newman and are to be sold at his shop near the Lame-Hospital in Little-Brittain at the Chyrugions Arms. 1669. TO My Beloved HEARERS Especially Those of the Younger sort Grace and Peace Men Brethren and Fathers GOD that made your souls sets a very high value upon them and Christ that bought them though they cost his heart-blood thought them worth his purchase and that eternal glory or misery that is prepared for souls speaks them not to be inconsiderable Vpon this account it 's impossible that you and I should use too much diligence in the securing these souls for this cause the Ministers of Christ can easily over-look prisons banishment and faggots so that they may but be instrumental for the saving of souls and delivering them from the wrath to come This I hope is the ground that I am carrying on in this ensuing Discourse This may speak when I may not when I cannot I might give many reasons of my appearing thus in print I might tell the world of the desires of many that by reason of the multitude could only see but not hear I might speak of the want of time to deliver the fourth Part of what is here presented to you I might tell you of the importunity of some of the young men that would gladly write after this Coppy But I must profess all this would have signified little with me did I not find by that account which some give of the work of grace upon their hearts that the Lord hath owned my poor papers formerly Among others that poor penitent Murtherer Thomas Savage which makes me not without hope that the same Spirit which breathed life into my other Writings may please also to give a blessing to these I will not stand now to answer the Objections that may be made against the Publication of this Sermon I never met with this that it is impossible that it should be subservient to the salvation of a soul and therefore I think the cost answerable I must confess had it not been for a necessary Caution or two I should have eased you of the trouble of reading and my self of writing this Epistle The first is this Be not offended if you find in the Young Mans Evidences some expressions that may sound somewhat harsh and some tautologies remember that they are word for word from his own papers as he wrote them hastily consider also that he was but young and a servant too so that it seems almost incredible that one that had so much business should be able to redeem so much time as to do what he did of this nature Secondly I would it might be a little considered what a hurry I was in when this task was laid upon me and how little time to peruse my own Coppy I beg you therefore candidly to over-look many mistakes As for you my dear friends I suppose a pardon is easily granted As for others scorn not holiness contemn not the future blessedness and make sure of happiness in the life to come and then I can easily bear your slighting of me Young Men I may be bold with you I charge you as you value the comforts of another life forget not what an excellent example this precious Brother of yours gave you Read this ensuing Discourse with seriousnesness and let it be read again in your lives Brethren you are my Joy and Crown and if you stand fast I live O make not my boasting void How can I bear to think that any of you should perish For Gods sake and for your souls sake falsifie that Proverb A Young Saint and an Old Devil Brethren my hearts desire is that I may see you all with that blessed Saint at the right hand of Christ Remember your sands run apace and you are hasting into Eternity O make sure of that which will stand you in some stead when you die O secure somewhat to live comfortably upon in another world let your lives bespeak you persons resolved for Christ and Heaven upon any terms Let your loyns be alwaies girt and your lamps be burning Whatch ye be strong quit you like men Remember Christ Heaven and Glory are before you Sit not still till you are safe in the bosom of Christ Consider that many set out fair and look as if they were bound for Zion and yet founder in the way I say again make sure Sirs I expect ere long to pass upon Eternity let me beg of you as you hope for our good meeting in another world that you make Religion your business and labour to get every day nearer Heaven Endeavour not only to be Christians but solid experienced and examplary Christians that so you may prove the glory of your generation the credit of Religion and the Joy of gray-headed Saints Sirs you are now my hope your-love zeal and union my comfort go but on at this rate and you are made for ever Know this now the eyes of the world will be upon you nay that which is more the eye of God is upon you and will take notice how you improve such a Providence as this I beseech you look about and let the world understand that you are not nominal Christians but real Saints Will any of you send me sorrowing into the grave shall I lose my hopes and comforts and you your souls can you easily forget what was the practice of this Young Man do you remember what was the usual subject of his discourse did you not observe how holily meekly and diligently he served his great Master is there no weight in a Crown of Glory is there no desireableness in happiness is it a small thing to live in the society of God Saints and Angels I am perswaded you think these things considerable Well then act as persons that long for possession which that all of you may enjoy is and shall be the prayer of one that desires not to count his life dear so he may but finish his course with joy and meet you with comfort hereafter James Janeway July 28. 1669. Death Vnstung A Funeral SERMON Rev. 14.13 And I heard a Voice from Heaven saying unto me write blessed are the dead which dye in the Lord from hence-forth yea saith the Spirit that they may rest from their Labours and their Works do follow them IT is none of the least works of a Minister of Christ to disparage sin and incourage holiness to set Life and death before our People and to present as much as in us lies
the latter end of my Book of Acquaintance with God which is now reprinted at present my advice shall be that you would follow them who thorow faith and patience are the inheriters of the promise and propose to your selves the examples of the most eminent Christians such as this precious young mans whose Funeral Rites we are now solemnizing and because examples are very cogent and affect most more than precepts I shall present you with an account of some of this holy young mans practices and experiences Take them therefore as I have gathered them by my own experience and intimate knowledge of him and as I have collected them out of many sheets of his own writings But let it not be thought I beseech you that out of custom or flattery I speak such Funeral Commendations were he but a Common Christian I would have sorbâ—rn speaking any thing of this nature for sear of hardening sinners I must deal plainly I abho that cursed flattery in commending all that are buried as if to die and to go to Heaven were all one I know many rotten posts are guilded many Sepulchres that are full of bones and putrified flesh are painted and many Professors are extolled at their death who did no good whâ—le they lived except it were the giving some pitâ—ful pittance to the poor when they could keep it no longer I question not but that thousands are praised upon earth that are condemned in Heaven and many applauded for Saints that will be found among the Devils and damned Expect it not therefore as a thing like to be usual with me to commend dead persons As I would judge none so I dare commend but few This only by way of Apology I shall come to the thing promised to propose some imitable passages of the life of T. M. 1. First He began to â—ook Heaven ward betimes he was made to remember his Creatour in the daies of his youth his first convâ—ctions were at about twelve years old but they had no abiding impression upon him the great work was begun to purpose between sevenâ—een and eighteen I shall be the more brief here because you have the account more full from his own hand The change that was wrought upon him did express more of the power of God and the riches of his grace than ordinary The Lord made his work upon him very clear and distinct for he broke in upon his soul like an armed man and shook him terribly â—veâ— Hell and the â—â—rrâ—urs of God set themselves â—n array against him and the poison of his arrows drank up his spirits sin did appear in its colour to him â—s ugly as the devil and as dreadful as Hell it self so that the foundation was laid in very deep huâ—â—â—lity O then how frightful a thing was sin yea his beloved sin the sin of gaming was made most loathsome and abominable so that for that he loathed himself in dust ashes and looked upon himself as unworthy to tread upon Gods ground and had not God ordered it so as that the first Sermon he heard after this great conviction was upon that Scripture 1 Tim. 1.15 he had even fallen into despair but the thoughts of Gods having mercy upon the chiefest of sinners did a little support his soul and gave him hopes of a possibility of being saved 2. This put him upon strong groans and prayers that the Lord would pitty him as ever he would pitty any poor creature in the World O that he would pitty him hast thou not a blessing for me O God even for me what shall I do now I am without God Christ or Grace my condition is such I cannot bear it who can be contented to be damned O pitty me pitty me dear Lord I cannot tell what in the world to do mercy mercy mercy or I am lost mercy speedily or I am lost for ever And so he continued in a way of duty reading and praying and inquiring and resolving thus to do all his dayes and now farewell wicked company farewell sports and vanity and idleness the great business of minding his soul now swallows him up and after a while he hath a little more peace than he had but upon further enquiry and waiting upon the means he was convinced thaâ— all this would not do without the Righteousness oâ— Christ And this brings me to the next thing 3. He was deeply convinced of the absolute necessity and excellency of Christ and brought oâ— from his own righteousness to high prizingâ— and admirings of Christ take his own words And is it true indeed hath Christ done and suffered such things for thee O my poor sinful vile odious polluted soul and what wilt not thou love him now Oh think a little what put him upon aâ— this was it any self interest is he any gainer by thee he got nothing but grief pain and death O my soul it was free pure and undeniable love that caused him to do and suffer what he did consider again O my soul what cause was there that he should make thee a partaker of the benefit of his blood what wast thou Oh a motâ— loathsome sinner and what wilt thou not yet love him O Lord I am ashamed of my own heart that I cannot raise it to the highest pitch oâ— admiration of that infinite boundless love Oâ— love love love O that I could love thee O Lord I would fain be sick of love O that I could dyâ— sick of love to thee O that I could feel thee warming my heart with that quickning blood which thou sheddedst upon the Cross O what love is like to that O my soul it was shed for thee who was an enemy a rebel a despiser of Christ awake O blessed spirit and blow upon my soul and kindle a fire which may burn with love to Christ to all Eternity Amen Amen 4. He did upon this in a serious and solemn manner give up himself to the Lord in a Covenant I shall not repeat the words of this Covenant because they are taken verbatim out of my book of Acquaintance with God and he subâ—cribed his name to it and kept it as a witness before the Lord and to quicken his own soul to a â—ore close walking with God according to the Arâ—â—cles of that Covenant 5. After he was gone thus far his bowels began â—o yern over his Christless friends some of which I perceive by his letters began to abuse him for his seriousness and to deride his strictness and jeer at his holiness shall I give you a taste of his spirit I cannot do it in warmer words than his own which are as followeth Yours I received but whether I dare to thank you for it I know not for truly I cannot express the trouble that hath since seised upon my spirit Oh poor soul what shall I say unto thee Oh my bowels my bowels they yern towards thee I am pained yea I am pained while I think upon thy condition what shall I
was in an extasie of comfort and felt what those joyes unspeakable in believing meant in former times he had great manifestations of Gods love but never any broke into his soul with such power and clear evidence as then he had as it were a prospect of glory and some foretastes of that happiness that was prepared for him before the foundations of the world and O how did his heart even leap within him to think that within a little while he should fully and eternally enjoy what he now had a little glympse of Upon Munday I went to visit him and found him in a very sweet frame so taken up with Heaven that he did even wonder at himself I am saith he so overcome with the love of Christ and the glory of Heaven that all manner of fear is hid from mine eyes and I cannot so much as think of Hell or if I do it is with joy that there is no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus but what do you think of these things is it possible that they should be delusions O Sir I beseech you be faithfull to my soul and tell me as you will answer it at the barr of God what you judge of my state I would not for a World be now in a fools Paradice and then he told me his experiences and intreated me to search and try him and again and again he expressed his great joy under the apprehensions of death and that glorious Eternity that he was passing into I desired earnestly to discourse with you said he because I expect to lose the use of my reason and am not like to be capable of speaking my mind to you hereafter and then he intreated me to give him a Funeral Sermon And all this he spoke with as much cheerfulness as can well be imagined speaking of death as the most desirable thing O saith he that I were but ten times sicker I long to dye I am ill but I would be ill to purpose O dear Jesus I long to be with thee Upon Tuesday his distemper grew much upon him and began a little at times to impair his intellectuals and yet by fits he would speak excellently of the things of God being asked whether he was willing to dye he answered That Eternity was too little for him to praise God in for his rich mercy to such a poor creature as he was that the Lord should prepare such an inheritance amongst the Saints in glory for him and that his life was hid with Christ and that when Christ who was his life should appear he also should appear with him in glory This morning he prayed for an exhorted those that were in the family to prepare to meet him in glory Upon Wednesday when he had any intermissions he broke out into such expressions as these Dear Jesus what art thou doing preparing Mansions for me I am coming sweet Jesus I am coming It is but a little while a little thread and when that is cut I shall be safe in glory Being very ill he said What if I should live two hours or two dayes what is that to a glorious Eternity Death what is it but a Porter to open Heaven-gate for me What is all the World compared to that Crown which I shall receive Being asked how he did he answered very well one standing by said no you are very ill he replyed I know I am very sick but I say I am well because I am as God would have me be When I came to him in the afternoon I found him exceeding ill and betraying some weakness in his intellectuals and his discourse being very impertinent I said to him your language was wont to be spiritual but now you forget your self It is true Sir said he but you know what the condition of my body now is blessed be God the root of matter is in me After this he was very still and quiet whilest I read to him and seemed to be much pleased at the reading of the fifty fourth and fifty fifth of Isaiah and gave a very rational account of any spiritual question that was put to him and very desirous that I should pray with him Upon Thursday because of extraordinary business of my own I could not be present with him Upon Friday he was taken speechless for many hours together but according to our Prayers at last he recovered the use of his reason more than before and could speak that we might well understand him then I asked him how he did he answered me Still alive After a considerable pause he cryed out Gracious Father thy Will be done Then I opened several Scriptures to him which speak the blessed state of Saints in another World and when I asked him whether he did understand me He answered Yes Yes and wept several times for joy Now the Symptomes of death approaching come upon him scarce any pulse and a dying sweat and the last words that I heard him speak were Glory Glory After that he continued in very great Agonies and his pangs were strong till about 11 of the Clock then he slept in Jesus being exceedingly lamented by the young men of his Society many of which were about him FINIS An Accompt of Gods Dealings with this Young man before and at his Conversion with some Remarks upon the same as it was Delivered to me under his own hand after I had Discoursed with him by way of Dialogue between a Minister and himself Minister WHat ought to be the great care and duty of every professing Christian in these our dayes Convert Pray What may be the reason of this your Question Min. I have very many reasons but one is this Because it is daily seen that very many who have made great profession of Reâ—igion and are accounted amongst the wise Virgins fall away which is very sad to conâ—ider and I fear that the reason is because there is not that care taken about the state of their souls which there ought to be now I pray you answer me my Question viz. What ought c. Conv. With respect to the former It ought to be every Christians great care to examine himself whether he be in the state of grace or no and which way the Lord was pleased to bring him into that blessed condition sith it is to be feared the want of this is the great and chief cause of mans apostasie from Religion for had he ever been truly wrought upon by the spirit of God had his convictions which more or less all have had turned to a true conversion and had his pangs of sorrow for sin but brought forth regeneration then surely he would have been in such an estate from which all the malice of the powers of darkness could not have drawn him Min. The Answer doth somewhat savour of goodness and that you understand with your heart what you express with the tongue conversion or regeneration is a mighty work and on whomsoever it is truly wrought
a book which the Lord at that time opened my heart to ask for which was Drex d. Eternit and truly upon the perusal of that Treatise I think nay I am sure the burden of my sins seemed to be renewed and I cannot express that unspeakable sorrow which I then had in my poor soul by reason of all its mighty sins and truly I hope the mercy of God was not a little cause of my trouble to think that I should have none to offend and kick against but those bowels yea those tender bowels of pitty and compassion which had so long yearned over my poor soul and had so long shielded off the stroak of Justice which was so long hanging over my provoking head and then oh then I did unspeakably desire the pardon of my sins and then did feel the burden of them so unsupportable that I did earnestly beg of the Lord that they might be laid upon the Lord Jesus who was able to bear them and did endeavour by earnest Prayers to obtain a smile from God in and through Jesus Christ for out of Christ he was a terrible God and a consuming fire and so I forthwith resolved to take up with all outward duties as Prayer Reading Hearing Conferring with good Christians and I cannot but let you know that the first Sermon I heard in this condition was out of 1 Tim. 1.15 where it is said that Christ came into the world to save sinners of whom I not Paul only but I even I am chief and so I went on through fear and trembling and not without some joy and hopes that the Lord who had begun a good work in me would finish it in his good time which God grant for Christ his sake Min. And is this which you have spoken from your own experience is it indeed as I hope it is then I can no longer for bear but say with good Zacharias Blessed be the Lord God of Israel who hath visited and redeemed his people and amongst them thy poor soul and now I say again take heed of spiritual pride think very lowly of thy self and give glory to God And now Dear Heart give me leave for the good of thy eternal welfare to examine thee of some things which thou hast touched upon in the last Discourse that so I may be assured that that work which the Lord hath begun in thee may prove as a Tree planted and rooted in thy renewed heart by the Spirit of God and not of thine own seting And for the accomplishing of which weighty work it will be convenient to enquire what fruit it hath since born for the tree may be known by its fruit Therefore in brief what hast thou found in thy heart concerning sin Conv. Sin Truly I am not able now to express that unspeakable bitterness I then found in it oh how did I hate it and pursue it with the greatest zeal and detestation possible oh how did my heart rise at the very appearance of it and truly if it did not very greatly deceive me I think I hated it more than death it self and should have chosen death rather than wilfully committed the least known sin and if there had been no hell yet as I have often said sin should have been my hell and holiness my Heaven Min. I am glad to hear what thou hast said but what sins were they thou so hatedst it may be they were great and dreadful fins as Blasphemy and Murder c. but what didst thou think of heart sins and evil motions which I am sure would much beset thee Conv. Oh of I knew my own heart these were the greatest enemies that I had to encounter these were they that like unto so many Goliahs bid defiance to what Christ had wrought in my poor soul and did endeavour to retake the Fort-Royal of my heart which the Lord was about to make a Temple for his glorious Image to dwell in and oh Blessed be Free Grace and let all that hear of this stand and admire and give glory to God Min. The Lord preserve this blessed enmity still more and more in thy heart and now tell me which way thou wentest about to engage against and so to overcome these great Goliahs though commonly known by the name of peccadilloes Conv. Oh now now you come very neer me and this even pierces between the bone and marrow and the Lord who is the searcher of hearts and knoweth the thoughts and actings of every soul give me understanding in this point that I may say nothing but what I really found in my own soul Oh then I did presume too much upon my own strength and did not lay them at the feet of Christ whom then I hoped I took for my Lord and King and did not as I fear wholly depend upon his Kingly power which is to overcome and subdue all those enemies which rise up in the hearts of his Children and make war against him and would not that he should rule over them for surely had I thus done he would not have suffered them so often to assault me and even sometimes overcome me as I shall God willing make clear to you by and by Min. Still I have great cause to admire the goodness of God to thy poor soul in that he hath been pleased now to open thy eyes to see this thy great mistake which doubtless had not the Lord in time revealed it to thee it would have proved a sore evil and it may be thou mightest not have seen it before it had been too late and now tell me which way thou wentest about to destroy thy sins seeing thou wast ignorant in great measure in applying the death of Christ to kill them Conv. The chiefest instruments that I used in this work was Prayer and sometimes Fasting which I found very powerfull to batter down the strong holds of Satan in my poor soul for which doubtless I was not to be blamed if so be that I had used them only as a means to have raised up my heart to Christ and so as they were appointed of God to be the way and means whereby I might have recourse to him who alone is able for so great a work but woe to my ignorant and proud heart that would not totally submit to God but idolized Prayer and Repentance and Fasting as if these had been the Captains of the souls Salvation whereas they are but empty in themselves and nothing worth no more than as they lead me to Christ who alone is the Captain and horn of my Salvation Min. And now I think it will not be amiss to let me hear how you carryed your self in the great duty of Prayer and how soon you entred upon the duty Conv. The Lord was pleased within two or three dayes after my first trouble to incline my heart to seek him by Prayer which I used constantly twice a day besides some private ejaculations and sighes between whiles and I will now tell
you that for a little time about a month or two I was little satisfied no longer than I was engaged in such work as Reading Hearing deep Meditation but especially Prayer and these oh these were the Physitians that I look upon so much to work so great a cure upon my soul that none but Christ that great Physitian could do and truly the best of the Physitians were so full of ill humours themselves as pride self-confidence c. that without the Physick of Christs blood to purge and purifie them they would have stunke in the Nostrills of a holy and pure God as I am afraid they often did Min. Now you have given in an account about sin I would gladly hear what account you can give about the wayes of holiness and of grace and how you began to make your progress in this road Conv. I must be but very brief here for I have much to say about other things but I shall as the Lord shall enable me satisfie you in this as I told you before when the burthen of my sin first came upon me that then and likewise in the six years of my convictions I was fully convinced of the necessity of living a holy life and of the Beauty of Holiness and that without it there would be no salvation for without Holiness none shall see the Lord And upon this account I also earnestly besought the Lord by Prayer and Hearing and reading good Books which the Lord did mightily incline my heart to do and so every day I did more and more desire Holiness and did earnestly thirst after the image of God to be renewed upon my heart so that in short I found no rest any way but what I got by living holily and abstaining from sin and as my weak Physitians I mean my Prayers Hearing Reading Meditation Vows Resolutions c. I say as these was able to apply comfort to me so I had it and no longer being ignorant of the life of Faith in Christ and truly they proved very bad comforters and as I told you they wanted Christs blood to procure acceptation in the eyes of a pure and holy God which will regard them with favour no otherwise than as they are presented to him sprinkled with the blood of his Son Min. Methinks you seem to speak much against these duties and against holiness as if they were not altogether necessary to be imbraced do you not Conv. Oh no God forbid I hope I shall never so far speak against them as to neglect them in the least but this I have said that I may not look upon them any further than as they lead me to Christ for truly I have found nothing in the world so much hindered me of comfort wilfull sin only excepted as in laying so great a stress upon duties for certainly had I laid my foundation sure upon the Rock of Christ and not all upon my own righteousness I should never have been so much shaken and as I may say almost overturned with the assaults of sin and Satan but he would have upheld me with his everlasting armes that I should have been able long agoe to have triumphed in his merits over all the assaults that Satan and my own heart made against me Min. How long did you live upon the stock of your duties before the Lord was pleased to let you see your errour and how was your condition all this while as you thought your self Conv. I lived so about three years or more and in that time I had some sad declinings indeed every day almost I lost my God and the evidences of his love so as I thought my self happy longer than when I could perform duties with great zeal and with strong affections and then oftentimes I could have been willing to have dyed as I thought my heart did so rejoyce in them but when my heart was somewhat dead and flat then I was at a great loss and could find out no rest for the sole of my foot Min. This which you have said seems to me to be a little strange why where was your faith all this while you told me before that you durst not look to God but through Christ and you seemed then as you went along to make Christ your hope and Saviour and then how do you mean you did not rest in him Conv. This is somewhat hard to answer but I hope you will pardon my weakness and I will tell you as plain as I can and that only as my heart and Conscience witnesseth and not to take the help of any book to open it to me that so I may with more humble confidence say that these things I have seâ— down no otherwise but as my own spiriâ— by the assistance of Gods Spirit dictated to me and now I will tell you what I mean by what I have said I hope I looked upon Christ to be a compleat Saviour in every respect and I saw my great need of his blood to procure my pardon for my sins and I knew that it was only from his grace that I was in any measure sanctified and by this I hope I laid all my sins upon him and durst not in the least think of Answering for them my self before God and seemed to give him the glory in respect to any work of Holiness in my heart and so I did highly prize him and greatly delight in him and earnestly desired to love him and more and more to serve him and so I acted faith for three years but all this while I was not throughly convinced of the insufficiency of my own righteousness so as to lay that at Christs feet neither could I suppose it that one might be â—â—â—â—â—bâ—d by anothers righteousness but 〈…〉 that because I was not altogether 〈…〉 as others as I thought there 〈…〉 â—â—ould fare better than others and 〈…〉 mixed my own merits with Christs 〈◊〉 never came â—o far out of my self as to cast my righteousness as well as my sins at his seet and now what abundant cause have I to be humbled and to lye very low before God and still more and more to admire the infinite mercy and patience of God Oh that I who after I was much enlightened and had abundantly tasted and seen how good and gracious the Lord was I say that after all his unspeakable mercies to me how he brought me out of my Aegyptian bondage of sin and loosened me from many strong holds of Satan and brought me so near to his Fathers bosome that I was wont to be many times almost ravished with the fore-thoughts of that joy I did hope for in Heaven Oh that after he had passed me over the red Sea and when many of mine enemies were dead and beaten back and that after he had tryed me a little in the Wilderness of this World then he would have brought me safe into Canaan Oh that I should be so disingenious as to set up a Calf I mean my own Righteousness
my heart at that time was so desperately wicked that doubtless had not an Almighty Power pittied me I should even have pawned my soul for the obtaining of what I then desired then in a passion I made a presumptuous vow that I would leave off that sport for one year this was about November or December which for a little time I kept and now observe the great subtilty of the Devil in this particular for no sooner was it the first day of January but presently I was told that my vow was out of date and that it signified nothing and they being my carnal friends that told me I was willing to make my conscience submit so that I soon embraced my old sport again and did plainly lay my self open to the wrath of God for such a great sin yet I could not so much charm my conscience but it would often accuse me for it but it was not many weeks after but I engaged as deeply in the same sin of gaming as before and now hear and admire for even now will appear such love as never any was ever sensible of but such as have felt it having been at the losing hand the season of the night calling me away I left off but much troubled and about five in the morning I awakened and then there was a pleasant lightness upon my spirit as if it had been refreshed after great trouble what this meant I could not tell yet could not but take special notice of it that I who went to bed much dissatisfied and perplexed should when I awaked seem to be so much comforted and my sleep for a little time departed from me and certainly I had some deep thoughts which now I cannot remember but the result of them came to this I did then engage my self by a fresh vow that the next morning I would play so as to venture about two shillings and if I lost that then not to play any more for such a certain time and to my best remembrance for as I would not add so I would not diminish and so rob God of his glory and my poor soul of comfort I did at that time lift up my heart to God but with what affections I cannot tell I hope not without great shame to crave his aid that I might be enabled to keep my great vow and so when the time came that I was to venture my mony which I thought very long with great chearfulness I went to play being very willing and I think desirous to lose which was soon accomplished according to my hopes which when it was ended I cannot say what I thought or how my heart worked but as I think that very day my heart was somewhat troubled by what follows for I having lost a great part of that in which my heart so much delighted and idolized as its God and rested in as its ultimate end I could not find rest in it as formerly and so being much troubled I went to peruse some toyes that I had by me and amongst them there was one Jewel which the Lord was pleased to put into my hand which was a Book intituled The Crumbs of Comfort the which when I felt my heart somewhat inclined to peruse I was much perplexed within my self and could not but wonder what manner of salutation this should be and now I hope I have great cause to acknowledge that the hand of God was in all this but I will not on this account any waies turn aside but go on as my own heart and conscience now witnesseth to me and I hope the Spirit of God likewise and so very desirous I was to know the meaning of this dark providence as then it appeared to me to be that more or less for two daies together I often perused more of the Book but my heart was little affected to any particular thing and yet I was troubled more and more within me and could find no rest for my poor soul and in less than a weeks time I think about the end of two or three daies the more I read I began to have more deep thoughts and heart amazing considerations which began to make me exceedingly troubled and much cast down about the state and condition of my poor captive soul which as I told you before was almost sunk into the bottom of the bottomless Sea of Gods wrath from which there is no redemption with the weight of its insupportable sins And now what the chief actings of my soul were I cannot tell but sure I am that my trouble did increase yet more and more and I hope it was for my sins for I do well remember that within very few dayes or rather hours after the sence of my sins came into my mind and the sight of them was so clear and the number of them so numberless and their aggravations so weighty and the nature of them so detestable that what I then felt I cannot now possibly declare Oh where was I certainly had I been surprized with the greatest enemies in the world and my life in the greatest danger I could not have been more troubled and had I been afflicted with all the tortures that man could have devised I should not have been more tormented nay I think if my deceitful heart did not deceive me that had I been in hell amongst those infernal fiends and had heard the yellings and howlings of those damned wretches I think I could not have been much more affrighted for then I did look upon my soul to be within a hairs breadth of Eternal misery and oh the condition I saw my self then in is unutterable had there not been an everlasting arm of power and mercy underneath I should undoubtedly have followed the steps of Cain or Judas but O Blessed and admired be Free Grace and why Me Lord why Me Oh Love Love Love even Love unspeakable yea Love unutterable and further in this my trouble the Lord was so far pleased to pitty and shew mercy to my poor soul that my soul had not very long laboured under this insupportable burthen of her great and mighty sins but I perceived a door of hope as it were unlatched and somewhat open and that if I would but in good earnest turn to God that yet it was not too late and that there was hope in Israel concerning this thing which consideration did not a little comfort my poor soul and then further it pleased the Lord to open my heart to visit one who I thought might do me much good and I judged him fit to be acquainted with my condition in that I hoped he feared the Lord and by the way let me tell you that I did at that time unspeakably love all such even more than my own relations with humility let it be spoken and when I was with him he joyfully received me and declared unto me many comfortable things which through grace did not a little raise my dejected spirit and he then lent me