taken where the Mother and the children were and saw part of their buildings burnt and some lye dead before their eyes and so Robert got possession of the children But at last she by great wisdom and diligence surprised them and secretly conveyed them to one Mr. Bernards in Essex and secured them against all his endeavours § 3. The Wars being ended and she as Guardian possessing her Son's Estate took him as only Son as her self and used his Estate as carefully as for her self but out of it conscionably paid debts of her Husbands repaired some of the ruined houses and managed things faithfully according to her best discretion until her Son marrying took his Estate into his own hand § 4. She being before unknown to me came to Kederminster twenty miles desiring me to take a House for her alone I told her that I would not be guilty of doing any thing which should separate such a Mother from an only Son who in his youth had so much need of her counsel conduct and comfort and that if passion in her or any fault in him had caused difference the love which brought her through so much trouble for him should teach her patience rather than forsake him She went home but shortly came again and took a house without my knowledg § 5. When she had been there alone a while her unmarried daughter Margaret about seventeen or eighteen years of age came after her from her Brother's resolving not to forsake the Mother who deserved her dearest love and sometime went to Oxford to her elder sister Wife to Mr. Ambrose Vpton then Canon of Christs Church both yet living In this time the good old Mother lived as a blessing among the honest poor Weavers of Kederminster strangers to her whose company for their piety she chose before all the Vanities of the world In which time my acquaintance with her made me know that notwithstanding she had formerly been somewhat passionate she was a woman of all that manly patience in her great tryals that prudence and piety and justice and impartiality and other Virtues which I mentioned in her Funeral Sermon Of her death anon It is her daughters case that this is the Prologue to CHAP. II. Of her Conversion Sickness and Recovery § IN her vain youth Pride and Romances and Company suitable thereto did take her up and an imprudent rigid Governess that her Mother had set over her in her absence had done her hurt by possessing her with ill thoughts of strictness in Religion yet she had a great reverence for some good Ministers especially Mr. Tho. VVright and she thought that she was not what she should be but something better she knew not what must be attained In this case coming to Kederminster for meer love to her Mother she had great aversion to the POVERTY and STRICTNESS of the people there glittering her self in costly Apparel and delighting in her Romances But in a little time she heard and understood what those better things were which she had thought must be attained And a Sermon of Mr. H. Hickman's at Oxford much moved her on Isa. 27. 11. It is a people of no understanding therefore he that made them will not save them c. The Doctrine of Conversion as I preached it as now in my Treatise of Conversion was received on her heart as the seal on the wax Whereupon she presently fell to self-judging and to frequent prayer and reading and serious thoughts of her present state and her salvation § 2. A Religious Maid that waited on her taking king notice of this for she kept all her matters so secret to her self as was her great hurt all her life acquainted her Mother with it and when it would be hid no longer but her frequent Closet-prayers were sometimes over-heard and her changed course of life discerned her Mother who as far as I could discern before loved her least of her three children began to esteem her as her Darling and all her Religious Friends and Neighbours were glad of so sudden and great a change § 3. I will here give you one of her self-judging Papers which I find since her death upon her then sad convictions When I had on Rom. 8. 9. told them how it may be known whether we have Christs Spirit or not she thus repeated the signs with her self-condemnation Mark 1. The Spirit of Christ is the Author of the Scriptures and therefore suiteth your disposition to it and guideth you by it Judgm 1. I fear then I have not the Spirit of Christ for I yet feel no love to Gods word nor closure with it as suitable to me but I am questioning the truth of it or at best quarrelling with it Mark 2. The Spirit of Christ is from heaven from God our Father and leadeth us upward unto him It s work is spiritual of heavenly tendency making us cry Abba Father and working the heart by uniting love to God Judgm 2. It is not so with me for I have a Spirit tending only to selfishness and sin Mark 3. The Spirit of Christ uniteth us to Christ and one another by love and is against hatred division and abusing others Judgm 3. Mine then is the spirit of Cain for I cannot endure any that are not of my opinion and way and it inclineth me to malice and unpeaceableness and division Mark 4. The Spirit of Christ is a spirit of Holiness and doth not favour licentiousness in doctrine or in life Judgm 4. Though I am for strict Principles I am loose in practise Mark 5. Christs Spirit inclineth to love humility and meeknest and makes men stoop to each other for their good Judgm 5. None more uncharitable proud and censorious than I. Mark 6. The Spirit of Christ makes men little low and vile in their own eyes it is pride that puffeth up Judgm 6. My self-conceitedness shews that I am unhumbled Mark 7. The Spirit of Christ doth work to the mortifying of the flesh even all its inordinate desires and to self-denial Judgm 7. I am a stranger to the work of mortification and self-denial I can deny my self nothing but the comfort of well-doing I cannot deny my sloth so far as to go to prayer when I am convinced of my necessity Mark 8. The Spirit of Christ is a prevailing spirit and doth not only wish and strive but overcome the flesh as to its rule Judgm 8. The flesh prevaileth with me against the spirit Mark 9. Christs Spirit is the author of his Worship Ordinances and suits the souls of believers to them the Word Sacraments c. Judgm 9. They seem not suitable to my soul I am against them and had rather not use them if I durst Mark 10. Christs Spirit is in all the Saints and inclineth them to holy Communion with each other in love especially to those in whom this spirit most eminently worketh Judgm 10. It is not thus with me I desire not the Communion of Saints my affections are
and trouble upon my spirits and well it may be so for the sins of this day have been very great My heart hath not answered the expressions of thanks which have been uttered by the mouths of those that spake them to God No no my heart hath not stirred and been drawn out towards my God! The thoughts of his love have not ravished my Soul Alas I scarce felt any holy spark to warm my Soul this day This day which was a day of the greatest mercy of any in all my life the day in which I have had an opportunity to give thanks for all the mercies of my life and thanks it self is a greater mercy than the rest All other mercies are to prepare for this This is the work of a glorified Saint even a Saint in heaven before the blessed face of God It 's his everlasting business to Sing the Songs of Thanksgiving and Praise to the Most High But my thoughts have not been filled with the sweet foretasts of this blessed work which I might have had this day O God I beseech thee forgive my sin and lay not my deadness to my charge but overlook all my transgressions and look on me in Jesus Christ my Saviour I am thine Lord and not mine own This day I have under my Hand and Seal in the presence of Witnesses nay in thine own presence who art Witness sufficient were there no eye to see me or ear to hear me Thou Lord that knowest all things knowest that I have devoted my All to thee Take it and accept my Sacrifice Help me to pay my vows Wilt thou not accept me because I do it not more sincerely and believingly O Lord I unfeignedly desire to do it aright O wilt thou strengthen my weak desires I believe Lord help my unbelief Thou that canst make me what I am not O make me what thou wouldst have me be In thee there is all fulness and to thee I desire to come by Christ. Wilt thou now cast me off because I do it not unreservedly Lord I confess the Devil tempteth and the flesh saith Spare something what let all go And I find in me a carnal selfish principle ready to close with the temptation But thou canst prevent and conquer all and speak death to these corruptions and bid the Tempter be gone It is thy pleasure here to suffer thy dear children to be tempted but fuffer not temptations to prevail against thy Spirit and Grace If temptation be like a torrent of water to smother quench or hide the flame yet wilt thou never let all the sparks of thy Grace be put out in the soul where once thou hast truly kindled it But Lord suffer not such floods to fall on my soul where the spark is so small already that it is even scarce discernible O quicken it and blow it up to a holy flame Most gracious God! O do it here who hast done it for many a soul O what have I said that I have a spark of grace why the least spark is worth ten thousand times more thanks than I can ever express and I have been dead and unthankful as is before confessed And is that a sign of grace Unthankful dead and dull I have been and still am but yet it must needs be from Gods gift in me that I have any desires after him and that this day I have desired to devote my self to him and that I can say I would be more holy and more heavenly even as the Lord would have me be Nay I do know the time when I had none of these desires and had no mind to God and the ways of godliness and do I not know that there be many in this condition who have no desires after Christ and holiness Here then is matter of comfort given me from him that doth accept the desires of his poor creatures even the Lord Christ who will not quench the smoaking flax nor break the bruised reed I see then that I have yet matter of rejoycing and must labour to be so humbled for my remaining sins as may tend to my future joy in believing but not so as to be discouraged and frightned from God who is longsuffering and abundant in mercy Rouze up thy self then to God my soul humbly but believingly repent that thou hast been so unthankful and insensible of the benefits this day received up up and lie not down so heavily God hath heard prayers for thee and given thee life and opportunity to serve him He hath given thee all the outward mercies thy heart can desire He hath given thee dear godly able friends such as can help thee in the way to heaven yea he hath set them to beg spiritual mercies for thee who prevailed for temporal for thee and oft for many others why then shouldst thou not watch and pray and wait in hope that he hath heard their prayers this day for thy soul as formerly for thy body They are things commanded of God to be asked and we have his promise that seeking we shall find It may be this night many of Gods dear children will yet pray for my soul I doubt not some will and shall I not be glad of such advantage I heard this day that I must not forbear thanks because the mercies are yet imperfect else we should never give thanks on earth Though therefore my Grace be yet but a spark and weak my body weak my heart sad all these administer matter of thanks and praise as well as of supplication Let me therefore keep close to both they being the life of my life while I live here and having daily need of supply from God let me daily be with him and live as in his presence Let him be the chief in all my thoughts my heart and life And let me remember to be earnest for my poor Relations and dear Friends and the Church and people of God in general And let me strive to keep such a moderate sense of sorrow on my soul as occasion requireth I have now cause of sorrow for parting with my dear friends my Father my Pastor He is by providence called away and going a long journey what the Lord will do with him I cannot foresee it may be he is preparing some great mercy for us and for his praise I know not but such a day as this may be kept here on his account The will of the Lord be done for he is wise and good we are his own let him do with us what he pleaseth all shall be for good to them that love God I have cause to be humbled that I have been so unprofitable under mercies and means it may grieve me now he is gone that there is so little that came from him left upon my soul. O let this quicken and stir me up to be more diligent in the use of all remaining helps and means And if ever I should enjoy this mercy again O let me make it appear that this night
duties for them besides the time and perhaps caring thoughts that all his Family expences and affairs will require And then it will disquiet a man's mind to think that he must neglect his Family or his Flock and hath undertaken more than he can do My conscience hath forced me many times to omit secret prayer with my Wife when she desired it for want of time not daring to omit far greater work 2. And a Minister can scarce look to win much on his Flock if he be not able to oblige them by gifts of charity and liberality And a married man hath seldom any thing to spare especially if he have children that must be provided for all will seem too little for them Or if he have none House-keeping is chargeable when a single man may have entertainment at easie rates and most women are weak and apt to live in fear of want if not in covetousness and have many wants real or fancied of their own to be supplied 3. In a word St. Paul's own words are plain to others but concern Ministers much more than other men 1 Cor. 7. 7 c. I would that all men were as I my self It is good for them they abide even as I 28. Such shall have trouble in the flesh 32. I would have you without carefulness He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord how he may please the Lord but he that is married careth for the things of the world how he may please his wife This is true And believe it both caring for the things of the world and caring to please one another are businesses and troublesome businesses care for house-rent for children for servants wages for food and rayment but above all for debts are very troublesome things and if cares choak the word in hearers they will be very unfit for the mind of a Student and a man that should still dwell on holy things And the pleasing of a Wife is usually no easie task There is an unsuitableness in the best and wisest and likest Faces are not so unlike as the apprehensions of the mind They that agree in Religion in Love and Interest yet may have daily different apprehensions about occasional occurrences persons things words c. That will seem the best way to one that seems worst to the other And passions are apt to succeed and serve these differences Very good people are very hard to be pleased My own dear Wife had high desires of my doing and speaking better than I did but my badness made it hard to me to do better But this was my benefit for it was but to put me on to be better as God himself will be pleased That it's hard to please God and holy persons is only our fault But there are too many that will not be pleased unless you will contribute to their sin their pride their wastfulness their superfluities and childish fancies their covetousness and passions and too many who have such passion that it requireth greater skill to please them than almost any the wisest can attain And the discontents and displeasure of one that is so near you will be as Thorns or Nettles in your bed And Paul concludeth to be un-married is the better that we may attend the Lord without distraction v. 35 38. And what need we more than Christ's own words Mat. 19. 10 11 12. when they said then It is not good to marry he answers All men cannot receive this saying save they to whom it is given For there are some Eunuchs who were so born from their Mothers womb and there are some Eunuchs who were made Eunuchs by men and there be Eunuchs which have made themselves Eunuchs for the Kingdom of Heavens sake He that is able to receive it let him receive it Oh how many sad and careful hours might many a Minister have prevented And how much more good might he have done if being under no necessity he had been sooner wise in this § 18. Another Use of this History is to shew men that it is not God's or our Enemies afflicting us in worldly losses or sufferings especially when we suffer for Righteousness sake which is half so painful as our own inward Infirmities A man's Spirit can bear his Infirmities of outward Crosses but a wounded Spirit who can bear My poor Wife made nothing of Prisons Distrainings Reproaches and such Crosses but her burden was most inward from her own Tenderness and next from those whom she over-loved And for mine own part all that ever either Enemies or Friends have done against me is but as a flea-biting to me in comparison of the daily burden of a pained Body and the weakness of my Soul in Faith Hope Love and Heavenly Desires and Delights § 19. And here you may see how necessary Patience is and to have a Mind fortified before-hand against all sorts of Sufferings that in our Patience we may possess our Souls And that the dearest Friends must expect to find much in one another that must be born with and exercise our Patience We are all imperfect It hath made me many a time wonder at the Prelates that can think it the way to the Concord of Millions to force them to consent to all their Impositions even of Words and Promises and Ceremonies and that in things where Conscience must be most cautelous whereas even Husband and Wife Master and Servants have almost daily Differences in judging of their common Affairs § 20. And by this History you may see how little cause we have to be over-serious about any worldly matters and to mind and do them with too much intensness of Affection and how necessary it is to possess them as if we possest them not seeing the time is short and the fashion of this world passeth away And how reasonable it is that if we love God our selves yea or our Friends that we should long to be with Christ where they are far more amiable than here and where in the City of God the Ierusalem above we shall delightfully dwell with them for ever Whereas here we were still sure to stay with them but a little while And had we here known Christ after the flesh we should so know him no more Whereas believing that we shall soon be with him even those that never saw him may rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of Glory § 21. Lastly Here you may see that as God's Servants have not their portion or good things in this Life so they may have the same Sicknesses and manner of Death as others Lazarus may lie and die in his sores among the Dogs at the door when Dives may have a pompous Life and Funeral There is no judging of a mans Sincerity or of his future state by his Disease or by his Diseased Death-bed words He that liveth to God shall die safely into the hand of God though a Fever or Deliration hinder him from knowing this till Experience and sudden possession of Heaven convince him Blessed are the dead that die in the Lord from henceforth yea saith the Spirit that they may rest from their labours and their works do follow them Rev. 14. 13. Therefore in our greatest straits and sufferings let us comfort one another with these words That we shall for ever be with the Lord. Had I been to possess the company of my Friends in this Life only how short would out comfortable converse have been But now I shall live with them in the Heavenly City of God for ever And they being there of the same mind with my forgiving God and Saviour will forgive all my Failings Neglects and Injuries as God forgiveth them and me The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away And he hath taken away but that upon my desert which he had given me undeservedly near Nineteen years Blessed be the Name of the Lord. I am waiting to be next The door is open Death will quickly draw the Veil and make us see how near we were to God and one another and did not sufficiently know it Farewel vain World and welcom true Everlasting Life FINIS
mans affections workt to prepare his dear Kinswoman for death but he dyed and most of his before her CHAP. IV. Some parcels of Counsel for her deliverance from this distressed Case which I find reserved by her for her use § 1. WHILE in her languishing and after it she was still cast down condemned her self as a graceless wretch and her good Mother and Friends afraid that her grief would encrease her sickness as it did their sadness and yet she obstinately concealed it from all save a few sad complaints to one person who wrote thereof some fragments which she extracted for her use I shall here recite them for others that have the same fears § 2. The miscarriage of a Relation troubling her this was set down When God hath done so much for you will you leave it in the power of an unconstant creature to trouble you and rob you of your peace Is the joy in the Holy Ghost so subject to the malice of your enemies or the weakness of your friends Delight your self in an Allsufficient constanr God and he will be to you a sufficient constant delight and will give you the desires of your heart I see you are yet imperfect in self-denial while you are too sensible of unkindnesses and crosses from your friends and bear them with too much passion and weakness know you not yet what the creature is and how little to be expected from it Do you not still reckon to meet with such infirmities in the best as will be injarious to others as they are troublesome to themselves It 's God that we most wrong and yet he beareth with us and so must we with one another Had you expected that creatures should deal as creatures and sinners as sinners how little of this kind of trouble had you felt Especially take heed of too much regard to matters of meer reputation and the thoughts of men else you are like a leaf in the wind that will have no rest Look on man as nothing and be content to approve your self to God and then so much honour as is good for you will follow as the shadow If every frailty and unkindness of the best friends must be your trouble it is to be impatient with the unavoidable pravity of mankind and you may as well grieve that they were born in sin and made your acquaintance And it should be used as a mercy to keep you from inordinate affections to friends It 's a mercy to be driven from creature-rest though it be by enemies Keep a fixed apprehension of the inconsiderableness of all these little things that cross you and turn your eye to God to Christ to Heaven the things of unspeakable weight and you will have no room for these childish troubles Yet turn not the discovery of this your weakness into dejection but amendment I perceive you are apter to hold to the sense of your own distempers than to think what counsel is given you against them § 3. On another occasion she recorded these words How hard is it to keep our hearts in going too far even in honest affections toward the creature while we are so backward to love God who should have all the heart and soul and might Too strong love to any though it be good in the kind may be sinful and hurtful in the degree 1. It will turn too many of your thoughts from God and they will be too oft running after the beloved creature 2. And by this exercise of thoughts and affections on the creature it may divert and cool your love to God which will not be kept up unless our thoughts be kept more to him yea though it be for his sake that you love them 3. It will encrease your sufferings by interessing you in all the dangers and troubles of those whom you over-love § 4. When she seemed to her self near death You now see what the world and all its pleasures are and how it would have used you if you had had no better a portion and God had not taught you a happier choice Providence now tells you that they are vanity and if over-valued worse but if you learn to see their nothingness you will be above the trouble of losing them as well as the snares of too delightful enjoying them Pardon all injuries to men and turn your thoughts from them and keep your heart as near as possible to the heart of Christ and live as in his arms who is usually sweetest when the creature most faileth us if we do but turn our hearts from it to him § 5. Another time Can you find that you are resolvedly devoted to Christ and yet doubt whether Christ be resolvedly and surely yours Are you willinger or faithfuller than he Hence she gathered her self as followeth When I read the evidence of my self-resignation to Christ I should as it were see Christ standing over me with the tenderest care and hear him say I accept thee as my own For I must believe his acceptance as I perform my resignation O what is he providing for me What entertainment with him shall I shortly find Not such as he found with man when he came to seek us it is not a Manger a Crown of thorns a Cross that he is preparing for me when I have had my part of these in following him I shall have my place in the glorious Ierusalem § 6. This fragment she wrote next For the sake of your own soul and life and friends and for the honour of that tender mercy and free grace which you are bound to magnifie Let not Satan get advantage against your peace and thankfulness to God and the acknowledgment of his obliging love Let him not on pretence of humiliation turn your eyes on a weak distempered heart from the unspeakable mercy which should sill yonr heart with love and joy notwithstanding all your lamented infirmities You perceive not that it is Satan that would keep you still under mournful sadness under the pretence of repentance and godly sorrow You are not acquainted with his wiles You have cause of sorrow but much more of joy And your rejoycing in Gods love would please him better than all your sad complaints and troubles though he despise not a contrite spirit I charge it on your conscience that when you are in prayer you confess and lament your distrustfnl suspicious unthankful uncomfortable thoughts of God and Jesus Christ more than all your want of sorrow for him And you trouble your self for such kind of sins the honesty of whose occasion may give you more comfort than the fault doth sorrow I know we have not our comfort at command But see that your endeavour and striving be more for a comfortable than for a sorrowful frame of spirit Two things I must blame you for 1. That you take the imperfections of your duties and obedience to be greater reasons for discomfort than the performance and sincerity are reasons for comfort as if you thought
to supply the notorious necessities of the people and as helpers of the allowed Ministry The good woman thought this had been reading the Common-Prayer and in a Letter which I now find accused my Wife with five or six vehement charges for telling her I would not read 〈◊〉 Common-Prayer My Wife was of my mind for the Matter but greatly offended with me for seeming to do it for the avoiding of danger and was so far from not pardoning these false smart accusations that she never once blamed the good woman but loved her tendered her and relieved her in sickness to the death but hardly forgave me and yet drew me from all other places if the Ministers were not of my mind by prudent diversity Much less did her sufferings from the times distemper her She hath blamed me for naming in print my Losses Imprisonment and other sufferings by the Bishops as being over selfish queralousness when I should rather with wonder be thankful for the great mercy we yet enjoyed Though I think I never mentioned them as over-sensible of the sufferings but as a necessary evincing of the nature of the cause and as part of the necessary history or matter of fact in order to decide it She as much disliked the silencing of the Ministers as any but she did not love to hear it much complained of save as the publick loss nor to hear Conformists talkt against as a Party nor the faults of the conscientious sort of them aggravated in a siding factious manner But 1. she was prone to over-love her Relations and those good people poor as much as rich whom she thought most upright The love was good but the degree was too passionate 2. She over-earnestly desired their spiritual welfare If these whom she over-loved had not been as good and done as well as she would have them in innocent behaviour in piety and if rich in liberality it over-troubled her and she could not bear it 3. She was apt when she set her mind and heart upon some good work which she counted great or the welfare of some dear Friend to be too much pleased in her expectations and self-made promises of the success and then almost overturned with trouble when they disappointed her And she too impatiently bore unkindnesses from the friends that were most dear to her or whom she had much obliged Her will was set upon good but her weakness could not bear the crossing or frustration of it § 12. But the great infirmity which tyrannized over her was a diseased fearfulness against which she had little more free will or power than a man in an Ague or Frost against shaking cold Her nature was prone to it and I said before abundance of sad accidents made that and trouble of mind her malady Besides as she said four times in danger of death 2. And the storming of her Mothers house by Soldiers firing part killing plundering and threatning the rest 3. The awakenings of her conversion 4. The sentence of death by sickness presently before her peace was setled 5. The fire next her Lodgings in Sweetings-Alley 6. The burning of a Merchant his Wife and Family in Lothbury overagainst her Brother Vpton's door 7. The common terror and confusion at Dunstans Church in Fleet-street when they thought the Church was falling on their heads while I was preaching and the people cast themselves down from the Galleries 8. Her Mothers death 9. The friendless state she thought she was then left in 10. The great Plague 11. The Burning of London 12. The crack and danger of her Chamber in Aldersgate street 13. The crack and confusion at St. Iameses Market-house 14. The many Fires and talk of firing since 15. The common rumours of Murderings and Massacres 16. The death and dangers of many of her friends and my own illness More than all these concurred to make fear and aptness to be troubled to be her disease so that she much dreamed of fire and murderers and her own dreams workt half as dangerously on her as realities so that she could not bear the clapping of a door or any thing that had suddenness noise or fierceness in it But all this was more the malady of her body than of her soul and I accounted had little moral guilt and I took it for an evidence of the power of grace that so timerous a person 1. had overcome most of her fears of Hell and Gods desertion 2. And was more fearless of persecution imprisonment or losses and poverty thereby than I or any that I remember to have known § 13. And though her spirits were so quick and she so apt to be troubled at mens sin whom she much loved she greatly differed from me in her bearing with them and carriage towards them My temper and judgment much led me to use my dependents servants and friends according to the rules of Church-discipline and if they heard not loving private admonitions once twice and thrice to speak to them more sharply and then before others and to turn them off if yet they would not amend But her way was to oblige them by all the love kindness and bounty that she was able and to bear with them year after year while there was hope and at last not to desert them but still use them so as she though was likest at least to keep them in a state of hope from the badness which displicency might cause I could not have born with a Son I think as she could do where her kindness was at her own choice and yet she more disliked the least fault than I did and was more desirous of their greatest innocency and exactness § 14. Indeed she was so much for calmness deliberation and doing nothing rashly and in haste and my condition and business as well as temper made me do and speak much so suddenly that she principally differed from me and blamed me in this every considerable case and business she would have me take time to think much of before I did it or speak or resolved of any thing I knew the counsel was good for one that could stay but not for one that must ride Post I thought still I had but a little time to live I thought some considerable work still called for haste I have these Forty years been sensible of the sin of losing time I could not spare an hour I thought I could understand the matters in question as well at a few thoughts as in many days and yet she that had less work and more leisure but a far quicker apprehension than mine was all for staying to consider and against haste and eaâ—gerness in almost every thing and notwithstanding her over quick and feeling temper was all for mildness calmness gentleness pleasingness and serenity § 15. She had an earnest desire of the conversion and salvation of her servants and was greatly troubled that so many of them though tollerable in their work went away ignorant or strange to true
expectations and preparations for death as made the case of her soul less grievous to me as no way doubting of her salvation and knowing that a distracting Feaver or a Phrensie or an Inflamation or disturbance of the Animal Spirits or Brain or an Impostume may befal the best as soon as the worst I thank God that she was never under any Melancholly which tempted her to any of those doleful evils which many Score I think that have been with me of several ways of education have been sadly tempted to She near 19. year lived with me cheerful wise and a very useful life in constant Love and Peace and Concord except our differing Opinions about triâ—â—al occurrences or our disputing or differing mode of talk § 10. She was buried on Iune 17. in Christs-Church in the Ruines in her own Mothers Grave The Grave was the highest next the old Altar or Table in the Chancel on which this her Daughter had caused a very fair rich large Marble-stone to be laid Anno 1661. about 20. years ago on which I caused to be written her Titles and some Latin Verses and these English ones Thus must thy flesh to silent dust descend Thy mirth and worldly pleasure thus will end Then happy holy souls but wo to those Who Heaven forgot and earthly pleasures chose Hear now this Preaching Grave without delay Believe repent and work while it is day But Christs-Church on earth is liable to those changes of which the Ierusalem above is in no danger In the doleful-flames of London 1666. the fall of the Church broke this great Marble all to pieces and it proved no lasting Monument and I hope this Paper-Monument erected by one that is following even at the door in some passion indeed of love and grief but in sincerity of truth will be more publickly useful and durable than that Marble-stone was CHAP. X. Some Vses proposed to the Reader from this History as the reasons why I wrote it IF this Narrative be Useless to the Readers it must needs be the sin of the publisher for idle writing is worse than idle words But I think it useful with that which followeth to all these ends to considering men § 1. It may help to convince those that are inclined to Sadducism or Infidelity and believe not the testimony of the sanctifying spirit to the truth of the Word of God but take holiness as it differs from Heathen-morality to be but fancy hypocrisie custom or self-conceit A man that never felt the working of Gods special Grace on his own heart is hardly brought to believe that others have that which he never had himself And this turneth usually to Diabolical malignity inclining them to hate those and revile or dispise them as deluded proud Fanatick hypocrites who pretend to be any better than they are or to have that which they take to be but a conceit All their Religious thoughts they take for the Dreams of crazed or proud persons and their holy discourse and Prayers but for canting or vain babling But acquaintance if intimate with gracious persons might convince them of their mortal error and true History methinks may do much towards it § 2. I confess with thanks to God that having these Forty years found that all our holiness and comfort depends upon our certain perswasion of the life of Retribution following and that our certainty of this depends upon our certain belief of the Holy Scriptures and we being here in the dark and too apt to doubt of all that we see not there are several sensible or experienced present certainties which have been a great succor to my Faith to save me from temptations to unbelief and doubting and confirm my assurance that the Scripture is Gods Word I. In that I undoubtedly by see and hear that through all the world there is just such a pravity in humane nature as the Scripture describeth for original sin which cannot be the state of mans integrity when his reason is much convinced of much of the duty to God man and himself which he will not do and of most of the great sins which he will not forsake II. I see the Scripture clearly verified in mentioning the common enmity and War between the Serpent's and the holy Seed It is notorious through the world in all Ages and Countries an enmity which no Relation or Interest reconcileth III. I feel and see the Scripture verified which describeth all the temptations of Satan and the secret War within us between the spirit and the flesh IV. And I feel and see the Scripture fulfilled which promiseth a blessing on Gods Word and his Ordinances V. And I feel and see the Scripture fulfilled which describeth the renewing work of the Holy Ghost and the spiritual difference of the sanctified from all others This is not only in my self but in others O how many hundred holy persons have I known the witness of Christs Truth and Power and as Ioshua's and Caleb's bunch of Grapes to assure me of the land of Promise and Gods Truth which I see fulfilled in them Can I doubt of holiness when I feel it and see it in the effects VI. Even as it perswadeth me the easilier to believe that there are Devils when I see their very nature and works in Devils incarnate and see what a Kingdom he plainly ruleth in the world and to believe that there is a Hell when I see so much of Hell on Earth § 3. It may teach us that the state of Godliness is not to be judged of by the fears and sorrows in which it usually begins A mans life is not like his Infancy at his birth The fears and penitent sorrows which foolish fleshly sinners fly from do tend to everlasting peace and joy and perfect love will cast out all tormenting fears unless it be those of a timerous diseased temper which have more of sickness than of sin and will be laid aside with the body which was their cause A life of peace and joy on earth may succeed the tremblings of the new-born Convert but a life of full everlasting joy will certainly succeed the perseverance and victory of every believing holy soul. § 4. It may warn all to take heed of expecting too much from so frail and bad a thing as man My dear Wife did look for more good in me and more help from me than she found especially lately in my weakness and decay We are all like Pictures that must not be looked on too near They that come near us find more faults and badness in us than others at a distance know § 5. It should greatly warn us to take heed of small beginnings even a spark of affection honest in the kind may kindle a flame not easily quenched How great a matter may a little fire kindle almost all sin beginneth in a seed or spark which is very hardly known to be a sin or danger § 6. Yea it should warn all to keep all the thoughts affections