a book which the Lord at that time opened my heart to ask for which was Drex d. Eternit and truly upon the perusal of that Treatise I think nay I am sure the burden of my sins seemed to be renewed and I cannot express that unspeakable sorrow which I then had in my poor soul by reason of all its mighty sins and truly I hope the mercy of God was not a little cause of my trouble to think that I should have none to offend and kick against but those bowels yea those tender bowels of pitty and compassion which had so long yearned over my poor soul and had so long shielded off the stroak of Justice which was so long hanging over my provoking head and then oh then I did unspeakably desire the pardon of my sins and then did feel the burden of them so unsupportable that I did earnestly beg of the Lord that they might be laid upon the Lord Jesus who was able to bear them and did endeavour by earnest Prayers to obtain a smile from God in and through Jesus Christ for out of Christ he was a terrible God and a consuming fire and so I forthwith resolved to take up with all outward duties as Prayer Reading Hearing Conferring with good Christians and I cannot but let you know that the first Sermon I heard in this condition was out of 1 Tim. 1.15 where it is said that Christ came into the world to save sinners of whom I not Paul only but I even I am chief and so I went on through fear and trembling and not without some joy and hopes that the Lord who had begun a good work in me would finish it in his good time which God grant for Christ his sake Min. And is this which you have spoken from your own experience is it indeed as I hope it is then I can no longer for bear but say with good Zacharias Blessed be the Lord God of Israel who hath visited and redeemed his people and amongst them thy poor soul and now I say again take heed of spiritual pride think very lowly of thy self and give glory to God And now Dear Heart give me leave for the good of thy eternal welfare to examine thee of some things which thou hast touched upon in the last Discourse that so I may be assured that that work which the Lord hath begun in thee may prove as a Tree planted and rooted in thy renewed heart by the Spirit of God and not of thine own seting And for the accomplishing of which weighty work it will be convenient to enquire what fruit it hath since born for the tree may be known by its fruit Therefore in brief what hast thou found in thy heart concerning sin Conv. Sin Truly I am not able now to express that unspeakable bitterness I then found in it oh how did I hate it and pursue it with the greatest zeal and detestation possible oh how did my heart rise at the very appearance of it and truly if it did not very greatly deceive me I think I hated it more than death it self and should have chosen death rather than wilfully committed the least known sin and if there had been no hell yet as I have often said sin should have been my hell and holiness my Heaven Min. I am glad to hear what thou hast said but what sins were they thou so hatedst it may be they were great and dreadful fins as Blasphemy and Murder c. but what didst thou think of heart sins and evil motions which I am sure would much beset thee Conv. Oh of I knew my own heart these were the greatest enemies that I had to encounter these were they that like unto so many Goliahs bid defiance to what Christ had wrought in my poor soul and did endeavour to retake the Fort-Royal of my heart which the Lord was about to make a Temple for his glorious Image to dwell in and oh Blessed be Free Grace and let all that hear of this stand and admire and give glory to God Min. The Lord preserve this blessed enmity still more and more in thy heart and now tell me which way thou wentest about to engage against and so to overcome these great Goliahs though commonly known by the name of peccadilloes Conv. Oh now now you come very neer me and this even pierces between the bone and marrow and the Lord who is the searcher of hearts and knoweth the thoughts and actings of every soul give me understanding in this point that I may say nothing but what I really found in my own soul Oh then I did presume too much upon my own strength and did not lay them at the feet of Christ whom then I hoped I took for my Lord and King and did not as I fear wholly depend upon his Kingly power which is to overcome and subdue all those enemies which rise up in the hearts of his Children and make war against him and would not that he should rule over them for surely had I thus done he would not have suffered them so often to assault me and even sometimes overcome me as I shall God willing make clear to you by and by Min. Still I have great cause to admire the goodness of God to thy poor soul in that he hath been pleased now to open thy eyes to see this thy great mistake which doubtless had not the Lord in time revealed it to thee it would have proved a sore evil and it may be thou mightest not have seen it before it had been too late and now tell me which way thou wentest about to destroy thy sins seeing thou wast ignorant in great measure in applying the death of Christ to kill them Conv. The chiefest instruments that I used in this work was Prayer and sometimes Fasting which I found very powerfull to batter down the strong holds of Satan in my poor soul for which doubtless I was not to be blamed if so be that I had used them only as a means to have raised up my heart to Christ and so as they were appointed of God to be the way and means whereby I might have recourse to him who alone is able for so great a work but woe to my ignorant and proud heart that would not totally submit to God but idolized Prayer and Repentance and Fasting as if these had been the Captains of the souls Salvation whereas they are but empty in themselves and nothing worth no more than as they lead me to Christ who alone is the Captain and horn of my Salvation Min. And now I think it will not be amiss to let me hear how you carryed your self in the great duty of Prayer and how soon you entred upon the duty Conv. The Lord was pleased within two or three dayes after my first trouble to incline my heart to seek him by Prayer which I used constantly twice a day besides some private ejaculations and sighes between whiles and I will now tell
Death Unstung A SERMON Preached at the Funeral of THOMAS MOWSLEY An Apothecary who died July 1669. With a Brief Narrative of his Life and Death Also the manner of Gods dealings with him before and after his Conversion Drawn up by his own hand and Published By James Janeway Minister of the Gospel O Death where is thy sting Come and hear all ye that fear God and I will declare what he hath done for my soul Psal 66. v. 16. LONDON Printed for Dorman Newman and are to be sold at his shop near the Lame-Hospital in Little-Brittain at the Chyrugions Arms. 1669. TO My Beloved HEARERS Especially Those of the Younger sort Grace and Peace Men Brethren and Fathers GOD that made your souls sets a very high value upon them and Christ that bought them though they cost his heart-blood thought them worth his purchase and that eternal glory or misery that is prepared for souls speaks them not to be inconsiderable Vpon this account it 's impossible that you and I should use too much diligence in the securing these souls for this cause the Ministers of Christ can easily over-look prisons banishment and faggots so that they may but be instrumental for the saving of souls and delivering them from the wrath to come This I hope is the ground that I am carrying on in this ensuing Discourse This may speak when I may not when I cannot I might give many reasons of my appearing thus in print I might tell the world of the desires of many that by reason of the multitude could only see but not hear I might speak of the want of time to deliver the fourth Part of what is here presented to you I might tell you of the importunity of some of the young men that would gladly write after this Coppy But I must profess all this would have signified little with me did I not find by that account which some give of the work of grace upon their hearts that the Lord hath owned my poor papers formerly Among others that poor penitent Murtherer Thomas Savage which makes me not without hope that the same Spirit which breathed life into my other Writings may please also to give a blessing to these I will not stand now to answer the Objections that may be made against the Publication of this Sermon I never met with this that it is impossible that it should be subservient to the salvation of a soul and therefore I think the cost answerable I must confess had it not been for a necessary Caution or two I should have eased you of the trouble of reading and my self of writing this Epistle The first is this Be not offended if you find in the Young Mans Evidences some expressions that may sound somewhat harsh and some tautologies remember that they are word for word from his own papers as he wrote them hastily consider also that he was but young and a servant too so that it seems almost incredible that one that had so much business should be able to redeem so much time as to do what he did of this nature Secondly I would it might be a little considered what a hurry I was in when this task was laid upon me and how little time to peruse my own Coppy I beg you therefore candidly to over-look many mistakes As for you my dear friends I suppose a pardon is easily granted As for others scorn not holiness contemn not the future blessedness and make sure of happiness in the life to come and then I can easily bear your slighting of me Young Men I may be bold with you I charge you as you value the comforts of another life forget not what an excellent example this precious Brother of yours gave you Read this ensuing Discourse with seriousnesness and let it be read again in your lives Brethren you are my Joy and Crown and if you stand fast I live O make not my boasting void How can I bear to think that any of you should perish For Gods sake and for your souls sake falsifie that Proverb A Young Saint and an Old Devil Brethren my hearts desire is that I may see you all with that blessed Saint at the right hand of Christ Remember your sands run apace and you are hasting into Eternity O make sure of that which will stand you in some stead when you die O secure somewhat to live comfortably upon in another world let your lives bespeak you persons resolved for Christ and Heaven upon any terms Let your loyns be alwaies girt and your lamps be burning Whatch ye be strong quit you like men Remember Christ Heaven and Glory are before you Sit not still till you are safe in the bosom of Christ Consider that many set out fair and look as if they were bound for Zion and yet founder in the way I say again make sure Sirs I expect ere long to pass upon Eternity let me beg of you as you hope for our good meeting in another world that you make Religion your business and labour to get every day nearer Heaven Endeavour not only to be Christians but solid experienced and examplary Christians that so you may prove the glory of your generation the credit of Religion and the Joy of gray-headed Saints Sirs you are now my hope your-love zeal and union my comfort go but on at this rate and you are made for ever Know this now the eyes of the world will be upon you nay that which is more the eye of God is upon you and will take notice how you improve such a Providence as this I beseech you look about and let the world understand that you are not nominal Christians but real Saints Will any of you send me sorrowing into the grave shall I lose my hopes and comforts and you your souls can you easily forget what was the practice of this Young Man do you remember what was the usual subject of his discourse did you not observe how holily meekly and diligently he served his great Master is there no weight in a Crown of Glory is there no desireableness in happiness is it a small thing to live in the society of God Saints and Angels I am perswaded you think these things considerable Well then act as persons that long for possession which that all of you may enjoy is and shall be the prayer of one that desires not to count his life dear so he may but finish his course with joy and meet you with comfort hereafter James Janeway July 28. 1669. Death Vnstung A Funeral SERMON Rev. 14.13 And I heard a Voice from Heaven saying unto me write blessed are the dead which dye in the Lord from hence-forth yea saith the Spirit that they may rest from their Labours and their Works do follow them IT is none of the least works of a Minister of Christ to disparage sin and incourage holiness to set Life and death before our People and to present as much as in us lies
the latter end of my Book of Acquaintance with God which is now reprinted at present my advice shall be that you would follow them who thorow faith and patience are the inheriters of the promise and propose to your selves the examples of the most eminent Christians such as this precious young mans whose Funeral Rites we are now solemnizing and because examples are very cogent and affect most more than precepts I shall present you with an account of some of this holy young mans practices and experiences Take them therefore as I have gathered them by my own experience and intimate knowledge of him and as I have collected them out of many sheets of his own writings But let it not be thought I beseech you that out of custom or flattery I speak such Funeral Commendations were he but a Common Christian I would have sorbâ—rn speaking any thing of this nature for sear of hardening sinners I must deal plainly I abho that cursed flattery in commending all that are buried as if to die and to go to Heaven were all one I know many rotten posts are guilded many Sepulchres that are full of bones and putrified flesh are painted and many Professors are extolled at their death who did no good whâ—le they lived except it were the giving some pitâ—ful pittance to the poor when they could keep it no longer I question not but that thousands are praised upon earth that are condemned in Heaven and many applauded for Saints that will be found among the Devils and damned Expect it not therefore as a thing like to be usual with me to commend dead persons As I would judge none so I dare commend but few This only by way of Apology I shall come to the thing promised to propose some imitable passages of the life of T. M. 1. First He began to â—ook Heaven ward betimes he was made to remember his Creatour in the daies of his youth his first convâ—ctions were at about twelve years old but they had no abiding impression upon him the great work was begun to purpose between sevenâ—een and eighteen I shall be the more brief here because you have the account more full from his own hand The change that was wrought upon him did express more of the power of God and the riches of his grace than ordinary The Lord made his work upon him very clear and distinct for he broke in upon his soul like an armed man and shook him terribly â—veâ— Hell and the â—â—rrâ—urs of God set themselves â—n array against him and the poison of his arrows drank up his spirits sin did appear in its colour to him â—s ugly as the devil and as dreadful as Hell it self so that the foundation was laid in very deep huâ—â—â—lity O then how frightful a thing was sin yea his beloved sin the sin of gaming was made most loathsome and abominable so that for that he loathed himself in dust ashes and looked upon himself as unworthy to tread upon Gods ground and had not God ordered it so as that the first Sermon he heard after this great conviction was upon that Scripture 1 Tim. 1.15 he had even fallen into despair but the thoughts of Gods having mercy upon the chiefest of sinners did a little support his soul and gave him hopes of a possibility of being saved 2. This put him upon strong groans and prayers that the Lord would pitty him as ever he would pitty any poor creature in the World O that he would pitty him hast thou not a blessing for me O God even for me what shall I do now I am without God Christ or Grace my condition is such I cannot bear it who can be contented to be damned O pitty me pitty me dear Lord I cannot tell what in the world to do mercy mercy mercy or I am lost mercy speedily or I am lost for ever And so he continued in a way of duty reading and praying and inquiring and resolving thus to do all his dayes and now farewell wicked company farewell sports and vanity and idleness the great business of minding his soul now swallows him up and after a while he hath a little more peace than he had but upon further enquiry and waiting upon the means he was convinced thaâ— all this would not do without the Righteousness oâ— Christ And this brings me to the next thing 3. He was deeply convinced of the absolute necessity and excellency of Christ and brought oâ— from his own righteousness to high prizingâ— and admirings of Christ take his own words And is it true indeed hath Christ done and suffered such things for thee O my poor sinful vile odious polluted soul and what wilt not thou love him now Oh think a little what put him upon aâ— this was it any self interest is he any gainer by thee he got nothing but grief pain and death O my soul it was free pure and undeniable love that caused him to do and suffer what he did consider again O my soul what cause was there that he should make thee a partaker of the benefit of his blood what wast thou Oh a motâ— loathsome sinner and what wilt thou not yet love him O Lord I am ashamed of my own heart that I cannot raise it to the highest pitch oâ— admiration of that infinite boundless love Oâ— love love love O that I could love thee O Lord I would fain be sick of love O that I could dyâ— sick of love to thee O that I could feel thee warming my heart with that quickning blood which thou sheddedst upon the Cross O what love is like to that O my soul it was shed for thee who was an enemy a rebel a despiser of Christ awake O blessed spirit and blow upon my soul and kindle a fire which may burn with love to Christ to all Eternity Amen Amen 4. He did upon this in a serious and solemn manner give up himself to the Lord in a Covenant I shall not repeat the words of this Covenant because they are taken verbatim out of my book of Acquaintance with God and he subâ—cribed his name to it and kept it as a witness before the Lord and to quicken his own soul to a â—ore close walking with God according to the Arâ—â—cles of that Covenant 5. After he was gone thus far his bowels began â—o yern over his Christless friends some of which I perceive by his letters began to abuse him for his seriousness and to deride his strictness and jeer at his holiness shall I give you a taste of his spirit I cannot do it in warmer words than his own which are as followeth Yours I received but whether I dare to thank you for it I know not for truly I cannot express the trouble that hath since seised upon my spirit Oh poor soul what shall I say unto thee Oh my bowels my bowels they yern towards thee I am pained yea I am pained while I think upon thy condition what shall I
Heaven and Hell to their view and to perswade them to a wise and speedy choice that when these Houses of Clay shall be laid in the dust they may be secured of an Habitation not made with hands that is Eternal with God in the Heavens The Apostle in this Chapter doth both in the 10. Verse he tells us what a Draught is prepared for the implacable Enemies of Christ they shall drink off the Wine of the wrath of God which is poured out without mixture into the Cup of his Indignation and they shall be tormented with Fire and Brimstone in the presence of the Holy Angels and in the presence of the Lamb. The wicked may drink roar and swagger they may persecute the Members of Christ because they dare not so madly venture upon the Eternal displeasure of God as they do and sell their precious Souls for a moments joy and make light of damnation but let them know that for all these things God will bring them to Judgment an Eternity of intolerable sorrowes must pay for their short pleasures And hence it is the serious Christian that makes it his business to avoid this dreadful misery is satisfied that he doth not act irrationally and madly if the scorn and contempt of the wicked World doth not frighten him upon this account he patiently submits to any punishment rather than he will hazard the loss of his Soul and be miserable for ever that word for ever sticks much in his mind let the wicked laugh and be merry let them please themselves in his sorrows he knows 't is but a little while and all will be mended and their minds changed he is willing to stay for his happiness and joyes till he comes to another World and he doth not envy the wicked what they do enjoy let them make the best of it as long as they can and boast of their pleasures when they see themselves wrapt up in Flames The unseen world which most forget is always in the Saints eye and if he may but live happily there he passeth not if he run thorow reproaches injuries and a thousand Deaths to that glorious and endless life Here is the reason of the Saints patience this makes him judge it no folly to keep the Commandements of God and the faith of Jesus In the 13. Verse the Apostle comes to speak a word of encouragement not only to the suffering Saints of that Age but for the support of all that should be honoured with such service as to seal the truths of Christ with their blood And I heard a Voice from Heaven saying unto me write blâ—ssed are the dead which dye in the Lord from hâ—nceforth yea saith the Spirit that they may rest from their labours and their works follow them In the words you may take notice of two parts 1. A Proposition 2. The Confirmation of that Proposition 1. The Proposition in which we may observe 1. The Predicate blessed 2. The Subject the dead 3. The restriction and limitation of the Subject which dye in the Lord. 2. The Confirmation of this Proposition 1. They rest from their labours 2. Their works follow them 3. The Person affirming this the Spirit which is further cleared 1. By the manner of this Delaration it was by a voice from Heaven 2. By the specification of the Person to whom it was spoken saying unto me 3. By the particular note of Observation Write The Doctrine which I shall take notice of from these words is this Doct. That whatever miseries a Saint may meet with in this Life at Death he shall be happy or in the words of the Text That they are blessed which dye in the Lord. In the Prosecution of this Observation I shall 1. Enquire what it is to dye in the Lord. 2. I shall prove that such are blessed 3. I shall shew wherein their happiness doth consist 4. I shall make some Application 1. I shall enquire what it is to dye in the Lord. 1. Neg. They which make it their business to do what they can against God while they live are not like to be blessed when they dye They which live like Devils are not like to dye like Saints Are there not a Generation in the World who act for the Devil with all their might and count all that time lost which is not spent in his service which make a jest of Damning and are as merry within a step of these devouring flames as if Hell and a Tavern were alike Do they not carry themselves as if they could not make hast enough to misery and make sure enough of Damnation How do they wound and stab their own Souls and let flye against the Almighty How contemptible a thing is Heaven and how ridiculous is the very name of Holiness to them They are of the same mind of those which Job speaks of Job 21.14 They say unto God depart from us for we desire not the knowledge of thy ways And who is the Lord that I should hearken to him And if a compassionate Minister of Christ beseech them with all the tendernesse that he can for his Soul to bethink themselves a little what these things may end in at last and to consider what a dreadful thing it is to fall into the hands of a living God how are his perswasions rejected with contempt and his pitty recompensed with scorn And may I not say of most wicked Men they do flye in the Faces of them that would tell them of their danger and do what they can to deliver them from it And yet for all this how well are they contented with their own condition and laugh at the godly as if it were a dangerous and mad thing to strive to go to Heaven and the truest happiness to be miserable for ever O who would imagine that any living should be thus lamentably besotted Tell them of Hell 't is as much as their life is worth they had rather hazard the feeling of it hereafter than bear the hearing of it here They fear a little disgrace among Men more than the contempt of God They choose rather to be under the weight of God's wrath than the least affront from a Man Talk to them of Glory Heaven and a Kingdom they are light and trivial things with them they had rather hear of a Whore a Tavern or Play and yet these Monsters must be Sainted and do more confidently expect a blessed Eternity after a life of wickedness than some of the dear Children of God do but if such as these ever come to Heaven without Repentance then the Word of God is false Doth not that say That the wicked shall be turned into Hell Tribulation and anguish upon every one that doth evil and there is no peace saith my God to the wicked The Devil himself may as well expect to shake off his Chains and be restored to his lost Glory as they O be not deceived as you Sow so you must Reap do not hope that
entring into the world but I had no sooner imbraced the motion but that very day I felt a change in my poor soul viz. a too too much letting out my thoughts upon it which I most perceived in duty and the devil who long waited his opportunity did then I am afraid not only parley but get entrance through the treachery and deceitfulness of my wretched heart and he told me that I might lawfully settle my mind upon this it being a business of great concernment and that it would be but a little while and then I should return to my former temper in spiritual matters upon those delusions my silly heart gave way and I found too much willingness of soul to place its concerns in that matter and so I laying down my watch soon lost my former experiences and every day I found my comforts on the ebbing hand I secretly departed from God and darkened the light of his countenance that did shine sometimes upon my soul and had not infinite grace put a seasonable word into your mouth to prevent me how had I fallen and whither had I gone I could not have thought it possible that ever my heart should decline so strangely as it did I that formerly could serve my Master faithfully cheerfully and comfortably did it grutchingly and not out of love though I never fell so far through grace as to neglect any thing of his businesses yet 〈◊〉 lost the right principles of action and the art of spiritualizing of civil affairs and this lasted for about three moneths It is scarce to be thought what perplexities I brought my self into by my back-sliding from God I have not time to declare things and had I it would be very unwelcome to you true I hope I did enjoy some communion with God when I was engaged in duties especially in that to be admired Ordinance of the Sacrament and Prayer but yet my comforts and duty usually ended together I hope the experience that I have had of the treachery of my own heart will make me carry a fence of my weakness and folly so as 〈◊〉 throw my self wholly upon the wisdom of God I have thus opened my soul to you O that the Lord who first for his own name sake shewed mercy to me when I deserved none would now look upon me in my low estate and consult the same bowels of pitty and compassion which are infinite past the sins of finite creatures O that he would heal my back-slidings and love me freely God is the same and changeth not and my hopes are that he will again return and visit my soul in mercy After this the Lord was pleased to come in again and he found his former comforts in some measure returning after a great deal of pains with his own heart and wrestling with God Hear what language he begins to speak again Blessed be God for what I do enjoy it is ten thousand times more than I deserve I hope the dew of the sanctuary doth oft refresh me and the blood of Jesus is my cordial when I sit at his Table he visits me and his banner over me is love I may speak it to the glory of rich grace that my heart is in a better frame than it was and I am more free from distractions in duty but yet I am far from that frame that I was once in my distemper it lyeth in want of those strong affections to God and that which hath made me so silent to you is the fear of hypocrisie lest my tongue should at any time out-reach my heart I might be far larger and yet speak none but his words this I think may prove that he was a very curious observer of his own soul and took notice of the least departures of his heart from God or Gods absenting of himself from him I might tell you what pains he took to prepare for the Sacrament and what exactness he used afterwards in taking notice how his soul was affected when it was not raised what care did he use till he found a fresh wâ—râ—nth heat and life animating of him I might tell you how frequent he was in that rare duty of meditation I speak not this without book many sheets of his meditations which I have by me shew that he was no stranger to those spiritual duties which few understand and fewer practise 9. He was greatly desirous to be reproved and watched over that of the Psalmist was oft in his mouth and written in his Letter Let the Righteous smite me and it shall be a kindness and let him reprove me and it shall be excellent Oyl which shall not break my head 10. He was much exercised in acts of mortification and self denyal he laboured to keep under his body to have the command of his passions and affections very temperate drinking water c. 11. He was frequently praising of God and speaking well of his wayes indeed his deportment was such that he credited Religion and commended the service of his great Master and made people to believe that Religion was an excellent thing and he justified wisdom and was able to say her wayes were pleasantness and her paths peace 12. He was a very good Husband of time one would wonder how one could roll over such a deal of business as he did not in the least neglecting his Masters affairs and yet that he should write such packets of letters and pen so many Meditations and be so very helpful to his brethren the young men How many Books did he read over and read them to the purpose so as to make them his own some of them five or six times over and if he had no company to dicourse with when he went abroad he lookt oft into his Pocket Book which was called Making Religion ones business 13. He had a strong affection for the faithful Ministers of Christ and was concerned when the Cloud began to threaten them that he ingaged all the Prayers he could for them that the Lord would blow over this storm and I am ready to think that this might hasten his end 14. He was greatly afraid of spiritual pride to this end he desired me to keep a watch over him and beseeched me to discover it to him when I did at any time discern the actings of it but though he had great parts and gifts above his age yet the fence of former sins and his curious observance of his heart and the fence of free grace kept him very low 15. He seemed to be possessed with the thoughts of death and Eternity He had a strong impression upon his spirit of the neerness of his end for about half a year before he dyed And 16. He was much above the fears of death and from a deep fence of the reallity of invisibles and his propriety in them he thought long for possession and he could say I desire to be dissolved and to be with Jesus On the Lords Day before he dyed he
my heart at that time was so desperately wicked that doubtless had not an Almighty Power pittied me I should even have pawned my soul for the obtaining of what I then desired then in a passion I made a presumptuous vow that I would leave off that sport for one year this was about November or December which for a little time I kept and now observe the great subtilty of the Devil in this particular for no sooner was it the first day of January but presently I was told that my vow was out of date and that it signified nothing and they being my carnal friends that told me I was willing to make my conscience submit so that I soon embraced my old sport again and did plainly lay my self open to the wrath of God for such a great sin yet I could not so much charm my conscience but it would often accuse me for it but it was not many weeks after but I engaged as deeply in the same sin of gaming as before and now hear and admire for even now will appear such love as never any was ever sensible of but such as have felt it having been at the losing hand the season of the night calling me away I left off but much troubled and about five in the morning I awakened and then there was a pleasant lightness upon my spirit as if it had been refreshed after great trouble what this meant I could not tell yet could not but take special notice of it that I who went to bed much dissatisfied and perplexed should when I awaked seem to be so much comforted and my sleep for a little time departed from me and certainly I had some deep thoughts which now I cannot remember but the result of them came to this I did then engage my self by a fresh vow that the next morning I would play so as to venture about two shillings and if I lost that then not to play any more for such a certain time and to my best remembrance for as I would not add so I would not diminish and so rob God of his glory and my poor soul of comfort I did at that time lift up my heart to God but with what affections I cannot tell I hope not without great shame to crave his aid that I might be enabled to keep my great vow and so when the time came that I was to venture my mony which I thought very long with great chearfulness I went to play being very willing and I think desirous to lose which was soon accomplished according to my hopes which when it was ended I cannot say what I thought or how my heart worked but as I think that very day my heart was somewhat troubled by what follows for I having lost a great part of that in which my heart so much delighted and idolized as its God and rested in as its ultimate end I could not find rest in it as formerly and so being much troubled I went to peruse some toyes that I had by me and amongst them there was one Jewel which the Lord was pleased to put into my hand which was a Book intituled The Crumbs of Comfort the which when I felt my heart somewhat inclined to peruse I was much perplexed within my self and could not but wonder what manner of salutation this should be and now I hope I have great cause to acknowledge that the hand of God was in all this but I will not on this account any waies turn aside but go on as my own heart and conscience now witnesseth to me and I hope the Spirit of God likewise and so very desirous I was to know the meaning of this dark providence as then it appeared to me to be that more or less for two daies together I often perused more of the Book but my heart was little affected to any particular thing and yet I was troubled more and more within me and could find no rest for my poor soul and in less than a weeks time I think about the end of two or three daies the more I read I began to have more deep thoughts and heart amazing considerations which began to make me exceedingly troubled and much cast down about the state and condition of my poor captive soul which as I told you before was almost sunk into the bottom of the bottomless Sea of Gods wrath from which there is no redemption with the weight of its insupportable sins And now what the chief actings of my soul were I cannot tell but sure I am that my trouble did increase yet more and more and I hope it was for my sins for I do well remember that within very few dayes or rather hours after the sence of my sins came into my mind and the sight of them was so clear and the number of them so numberless and their aggravations so weighty and the nature of them so detestable that what I then felt I cannot now possibly declare Oh where was I certainly had I been surprized with the greatest enemies in the world and my life in the greatest danger I could not have been more troubled and had I been afflicted with all the tortures that man could have devised I should not have been more tormented nay I think if my deceitful heart did not deceive me that had I been in hell amongst those infernal fiends and had heard the yellings and howlings of those damned wretches I think I could not have been much more affrighted for then I did look upon my soul to be within a hairs breadth of Eternal misery and oh the condition I saw my self then in is unutterable had there not been an everlasting arm of power and mercy underneath I should undoubtedly have followed the steps of Cain or Judas but O Blessed and admired be Free Grace and why Me Lord why Me Oh Love Love Love even Love unspeakable yea Love unutterable and further in this my trouble the Lord was so far pleased to pitty and shew mercy to my poor soul that my soul had not very long laboured under this insupportable burthen of her great and mighty sins but I perceived a door of hope as it were unlatched and somewhat open and that if I would but in good earnest turn to God that yet it was not too late and that there was hope in Israel concerning this thing which consideration did not a little comfort my poor soul and then further it pleased the Lord to open my heart to visit one who I thought might do me much good and I judged him fit to be acquainted with my condition in that I hoped he feared the Lord and by the way let me tell you that I did at that time unspeakably love all such even more than my own relations with humility let it be spoken and when I was with him he joyfully received me and declared unto me many comfortable things which through grace did not a little raise my dejected spirit and he then lent me
you that for a little time about a month or two I was little satisfied no longer than I was engaged in such work as Reading Hearing deep Meditation but especially Prayer and these oh these were the Physitians that I look upon so much to work so great a cure upon my soul that none but Christ that great Physitian could do and truly the best of the Physitians were so full of ill humours themselves as pride self-confidence c. that without the Physick of Christs blood to purge and purifie them they would have stunke in the Nostrills of a holy and pure God as I am afraid they often did Min. Now you have given in an account about sin I would gladly hear what account you can give about the wayes of holiness and of grace and how you began to make your progress in this road Conv. I must be but very brief here for I have much to say about other things but I shall as the Lord shall enable me satisfie you in this as I told you before when the burthen of my sin first came upon me that then and likewise in the six years of my convictions I was fully convinced of the necessity of living a holy life and of the Beauty of Holiness and that without it there would be no salvation for without Holiness none shall see the Lord And upon this account I also earnestly besought the Lord by Prayer and Hearing and reading good Books which the Lord did mightily incline my heart to do and so every day I did more and more desire Holiness and did earnestly thirst after the image of God to be renewed upon my heart so that in short I found no rest any way but what I got by living holily and abstaining from sin and as my weak Physitians I mean my Prayers Hearing Reading Meditation Vows Resolutions c. I say as these was able to apply comfort to me so I had it and no longer being ignorant of the life of Faith in Christ and truly they proved very bad comforters and as I told you they wanted Christs blood to procure acceptation in the eyes of a pure and holy God which will regard them with favour no otherwise than as they are presented to him sprinkled with the blood of his Son Min. Methinks you seem to speak much against these duties and against holiness as if they were not altogether necessary to be imbraced do you not Conv. Oh no God forbid I hope I shall never so far speak against them as to neglect them in the least but this I have said that I may not look upon them any further than as they lead me to Christ for truly I have found nothing in the world so much hindered me of comfort wilfull sin only excepted as in laying so great a stress upon duties for certainly had I laid my foundation sure upon the Rock of Christ and not all upon my own righteousness I should never have been so much shaken and as I may say almost overturned with the assaults of sin and Satan but he would have upheld me with his everlasting armes that I should have been able long agoe to have triumphed in his merits over all the assaults that Satan and my own heart made against me Min. How long did you live upon the stock of your duties before the Lord was pleased to let you see your errour and how was your condition all this while as you thought your self Conv. I lived so about three years or more and in that time I had some sad declinings indeed every day almost I lost my God and the evidences of his love so as I thought my self happy longer than when I could perform duties with great zeal and with strong affections and then oftentimes I could have been willing to have dyed as I thought my heart did so rejoyce in them but when my heart was somewhat dead and flat then I was at a great loss and could find out no rest for the sole of my foot Min. This which you have said seems to me to be a little strange why where was your faith all this while you told me before that you durst not look to God but through Christ and you seemed then as you went along to make Christ your hope and Saviour and then how do you mean you did not rest in him Conv. This is somewhat hard to answer but I hope you will pardon my weakness and I will tell you as plain as I can and that only as my heart and Conscience witnesseth and not to take the help of any book to open it to me that so I may with more humble confidence say that these things I have seâ— down no otherwise but as my own spiriâ— by the assistance of Gods Spirit dictated to me and now I will tell you what I mean by what I have said I hope I looked upon Christ to be a compleat Saviour in every respect and I saw my great need of his blood to procure my pardon for my sins and I knew that it was only from his grace that I was in any measure sanctified and by this I hope I laid all my sins upon him and durst not in the least think of Answering for them my self before God and seemed to give him the glory in respect to any work of Holiness in my heart and so I did highly prize him and greatly delight in him and earnestly desired to love him and more and more to serve him and so I acted faith for three years but all this while I was not throughly convinced of the insufficiency of my own righteousness so as to lay that at Christs feet neither could I suppose it that one might be â—â—â—â—â—bâ—d by anothers righteousness but 〈…〉 that because I was not altogether 〈…〉 as others as I thought there 〈…〉 â—â—ould fare better than others and 〈…〉 mixed my own merits with Christs 〈◊〉 never came â—o far out of my self as to cast my righteousness as well as my sins at his seet and now what abundant cause have I to be humbled and to lye very low before God and still more and more to admire the infinite mercy and patience of God Oh that I who after I was much enlightened and had abundantly tasted and seen how good and gracious the Lord was I say that after all his unspeakable mercies to me how he brought me out of my Aegyptian bondage of sin and loosened me from many strong holds of Satan and brought me so near to his Fathers bosome that I was wont to be many times almost ravished with the fore-thoughts of that joy I did hope for in Heaven Oh that after he had passed me over the red Sea and when many of mine enemies were dead and beaten back and that after he had tryed me a little in the Wilderness of this World then he would have brought me safe into Canaan Oh that I should be so disingenious as to set up a Calf I mean my own Righteousness