of God in it at least some Quicknings and Drawings out of my Heart after him in earnest Desires and Longings and Pantings after him yet I am apt to be cast down my Conscience is apt to accuse me that I do not my Duty and am fearful lest Death come of a sudden and find me unready and thereupon am greatly troubled and not knowing what to do methinks I would not be wanting in my Duty and often pray that God would shew me my Duty and help me to do it yet when I think to go about any thing there comes such a multitude of things into my Mind to do this and to do the other and all cannot be done together that I am sometimes almost discouraged and tempted to let all alone The Lord in infinite Mercy look upon me for Christ's sake and help me against this Temptation of Satan and my own wicked Heart and enable me to remember the Lord is gracious and merciful and accepts of the willing Mind where there is Truth and Sincerity The Lord help me also to remember and believe tho' I must be doing yet I am not justified for it if I could do never so much The Lord help me to renounce all and trust wholly to Jesus Christ for Acceptance for Justification and Salvation Now this Morning being in my Shop and having nothing to do Trading being very dead I thought with my self what to set about and tho' I have examined my self before yet knowing I cannot be too much in this Work I resolved to go to it again and altho' I cannot so solemnly search my Heart as if I were in secret yet I hope I find something of Mr. Naltion's Characters which I shall here note Question How may we know Christ is ours and we are his Ans 1. Do you highly prize Jesus Christ 2. Are you made new Creatures 3. Do you find the Power of Corruption in some measure abated in you 4. Are you desirous to have Christ rule over you as well as save you 5. Dost thou lament after the Lord and mourn over a crucified Saviour 6. Do you feel Sin a Burden and would you willingly be rid of it Quest How may I know I love Christ Answ 1. If you love Jesus Christ you will be content with nothing but his Love again All the World will not content you without the Love of Christ 2. If you love Jesus Christ you will delight to think and speak of Christ 3. If you love Christ you will be affraid to offend him 4. You will love the Saints and Followers of Christ 5. You will delight to be where Christ is in his Ordinances and rejoice in his Presence when you meet with him 6. Love to Christ will make you seek the Honour of Christ 7. Your Lives will run out in lively actings and exercise of Grace upon Christ 8. If you love Christ you will not think any thing too much to do for Christ or to part with him If you love me keep my Commandments saith Christ so that if I keep Christ's Commandments it is a Sign that I love him Now follow some Characters that Mr. Nalton laid down of true Faith in Jesus Christ but before these he gives some Rules to help us in trying our selves 1. If you would judge aright of your Faith be sure you do not trust to your own Hearts 2. Examine your Hearts when you are in a calm quiet composed Frame 3. Take heed you do not err in the nature of Faith to think there is no true Faith where there is no Assurance 4. Judge not of your Faith by some legal Troubles that have been in your Spirits as a fore-runner of Faith but judge by the Consequents of these Troubles whether they bring Christ and your Souls nearer together 5. Tho' you must judge your Faith by the Fruits of it yet they are in some of a higher degree some of a lower degree Joy in Tribulation is a high Fruit of Faith that every Man cannot attain unto Let not a Man say I have no Faith because I cannot sing in a Prison but if there be but any Fruit of Faith that discovers to thee thou art a Believer tho' not a strong Believer thou hast cause ro rejoice Now I hope my Desire is to try my self by these Marks of true Faith following The Lord grant I may find them in my Soul for Christ's sake 1st True Faith may be known by the efficient or principal Cause of it which is no other but the holy Spirit of God All the Angels in Heaven and Saints on Earth cannot perswade my Heart to believe till the Spirit of God draw my Soul to Jesus Christ Now hath the Spirit of God drawn thee to Christ Have you found the mighty Power of the Spirit of God overcoming the Pride and Stubbornness of your Wills to make you willing to accept of Christ on his own Terms Then you have a true Faith 2dly True Faith may be known by the manner of Production the Spirit of God hath a previous or foregoing Work upon the Soul 1. The Spirit of God convinces the Sinner this goes before believing the Spirit of God lets a Sinner see the inside of himself Thou art a Sinner saith the Spirit of God so that the poor Sinner sees himself in a lost and undone Condition in himself by reason of Sin 2. After convincing the Spirit of God humbles the Sinner he is humbled to the Dust This Sorrow and Humiliation is in some more in some less but in all there is so much Sense of Sin and Misery as to drive the Sinner out of himself and to let him see he must perish for ever without Christ 3. There is also an incouraging Work of the Spirit of God having convinced and humbled the Sinner he revives him by some Heart-chearing Considerations as 1. That there is a Christ an All-sufficient Saviour by whom he may be delivered from Wrath to come 2. The Spirit of God makes a particular Proffer of Christ and Pardon and Grace to him and tells him the Promises of the Gospel are made to him as well as others and that God invites him poor Sinner and that there is Mercy for him if he accept it 3. The Spirit of God doth sometimes secretly whisper to the Soul of a Sinner by a Voice within him inviting him and drawing him to come to Christ Come to me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you Rest Ho every one that thirsteth come to the Waters Art thou a thirsty Soul Thou art he that is invited saith the Spirit of God therefore stand out no longer 4. The Spirit of God doth work Faith by bowing the Will making it pliable to come and taste how good Christ is Well saith the Soul I am resolved to come to Christ tho' I know not how I shall speed I will cast my Soul into the Arms of Christ and if I sink I will sink with a Saviour in my
a Title to Heaven or that we have not but pass not this Sentence with Self-Flattery nor from Melancholy Terrors and Fears 1st Not with Self-flattery Alas what will it profit us to think our selves the Children of God when we visibly express the Power of Sin and Satan in our Lives 2dly On the other side pass not this Sentence from Melancholy Unbelief Terrors and Fears As the carnal Man fails the former way so the tempted Christian sometimes fails this way In this Case run we over our Evidences again and again and proceed we from those that are more difficult to those that are more easie One Sign perhaps may be more easily perceived than another and if we can but discover some yea if but one we may assuredly gather all the rest are there Come then pass on now to Sentence O but implore the Spirit 's Assistance now if ever let us desire him to shine on our Graces and then speak groundedly and deliberately and truly as we find according to our very Consciences Do not conclude as some do I am a good Christian or as others do I am a Reprobate or an Hypocrite and shall be damned When we have no ground for what we say but our own Fancy or Hopes or Fears let not our Judgment be any way biass'd or brib'd from sentencing aright Then he further adviseth That we should labour to get our Hearts kindly affected with its discovered Condition according to the Sentence pass'd on it Do not think enough to know but labour to feel what God hath made us to see if we find our selves renewed and sanctified indeed O let us get this warm and close to our Hearts bethink our selves what a blessed Estate hath the Lord brought us into to be his Children his Friends to be pardoned justified and entitled to Life Why what is it we now need to fear but sinning against him Come War or Plague or Sickness or Death we are sure they can but thruft us into Heaven Thus let us follow these Meditations till they have left their Impressions on our Hearts Then he adviseth to record this Sentence so passed to write it down which now I desire to do this 18th of August 1676. Having searched and tried my Heart yesterday and at this time also after I hope earneft and hearty Prayer to God for the help of his Spirit to try my State and Condition I did fall again to the Work of Self-trial by the fore-mentioned Particulars and tho' I cannot fully declare a positive Answer to every Question yet if my Heart doth not very much deceive me I can to most of them I hope I can I beg of God I may not be deceived It is some Comfort to me where I cannot so fully answer some of them I hope I can truly say I most heartily desire it may be so with me And tho' Grace be very weak in me which I hope I desire to be humbled and mourn for yet I dare not deny God's Work in me I must not deny the Day of small-Things but to the Glory of God must own surely there is something of Good wrought in me by his Holy Spirit And my Comfort is Christ will not quench the smoaking Flax nor break the bruised Reed Mat. 12. 20. I am not now affected with the Discovery of my Condition as I should and do not find at present inward Comfort in my Soul I am and have been much under the Withdrawings of God for a time by reason of my Apostacy and Backslidings from him and not walking closely with him yet I desire I hope to lament after the Lord and not content my self till I again meet with him The Lord give me Grace to wait on him in a way of Duty and to act Grace tho' I want Comfort O if I am but sincere and wait still upon God who can tell but he may return with Comfort to my poor Soul The Lord help me to maintain Faith and Hop through Christ Tho' I sit in Darkness and see no Light yet to trust in the Lord and stay my self on my God Isa 50. 10. The Lord help me now to walk answerable to the great Things he hath done for my poor Soul I desire and hope I may have recourse to this hereafter as I shall have need And that it may be of Comfort to me for the time to come as Mr. Ambrose adviseth His Words are This Record will be very useful to us hereafter If we find we have a Work of Grace in us what a help will it be against the next Temptation to doubting and fear to go and read under our Hands this Record May we not think if at such a time I found the truth of Grace is it not likely to be now the same and these Doubts to come from the Enemy of my Peace Yet trust not so to one Discovery as to try no more Especially if we have made any soul Defections from Christ and play'd the Backsliders see then that we renew the Search again Neither let this hinder us in the daily Search of our Ways or of our Increase in Grace and Fellowship with Christ It is an ill Sign and a desperate vile Sin for a Man when he thinks he hath found himself gracious and in a happy State to let down his Watch and grow negligent of his Heart and Ways and scarce look after them any more Neither should we give over in Discouragement if we cannot at once or twice or ten times trying discover our Case but follow it on till we have discovered it if one Hour or Day will not do take another if one Minister cannot direct us sufficiently go to another the Issue will answer all our Pains There is no sitting down discouraged in a Work that must be done If we have been Hypocrites or ungodly Persons all our Lives yet is the Promise offered to us by Christ and he tenders himself to us to be our Lord and Saviour neither can we possibly be so willing to accept him as he is to accept us Nothing but our own Unwillingness can keep our Souls from Christ tho' we have hitherto abused him and dissembled with him O that the Lord would perswade us to the close Performance of this self-trying Task that we might not tremble with Horror of Soul when the Judge of all the World shall try us but have our Evidences so ready at hand and be so able to prove our Title to Heaven that the Thoughts and Approach of Death and Judgment might revive our Spirits and fill us with Joy and not apale us and fill us with Amazement September the 19th 1676. Finding my Heart very hard and dead of late and being still under the Withdrawings of God but I bless God I hope sensible of it and desirous to wait upon him for Discoveries of his Love and Favour and to lament after him and seek him in his Ordinances for I hope I cannot take up with Duty without something
Christ far better The Dress for the Sacrament Lord where am I What! all the Children of the Bride-Chamber up and dress'd and I slumbring in my Bed Tell me ye fairest what make you up so early Alas our Lord was up before us all he called us up by Break-of-Day and wondered that we were not trimming our Lamps knowing with whom we were to feast this Day Well then I will rise up too O what a Shew do these bright and glittering Saints make in my Eyes surely they did not thus dress themselves It was my Father made them thus prepared to entertain his Son But where are my Cloaths Now for the fairest sweetest Robe of Thoughts and Wishes that can be found O how naked am I But where are my silken golden Twists of Faith to hang the Jewels of Joy and Love and Humility upon I am never dress'd till they be on O where are they I saw them by me but just now I laid them by my Heart before I went to Bed But ah I fear this envious World hath with her Vanities stolen them away or the envious Devil or Unbelief hath been ravelling or snarling of them that now I am as far to seek as ever Whither O whither shall I go to find them out Now will the Bridegroom come and I am not ready I cannot dare not go to Day now will my Lord be angry and ask me why I came not and I have no Answer to make him and if I go undress'd he will ask me where is my Wedding-Garment and then I shall be speechless Ah foolish simple Heart that thou should'st let these Thoughts of Earth so entangle themselves with thy Heavenly Meditations how to get them loose again thou know'st not this by Care thou mightest have prevented Now what Help Lord I have sinned O holy Father pardon this time and I will take more heed O come and untie my Thoughts from this Earth and come and dress me up as best pleaseth thee Come be not discouraged O my Soul let but thy Attire of Grace be whole that is sincere and thy God and Saviour will accept thee tho' thy Garments are not so much perfumed with Heaven as thy Brethrens are thy Lord knows all have not Talents alike and where he gives but little he expects but little thou hast an honest willing serious Heart that thinks it doth despise and trample under Feet the nearest dearest Pleasures Profits and Glories in the World compared with him that gave himself to Death for thee and hadst rather anger all the World than him by sinning against him in the least If this he true fear not thou hast thy Wedding-Garment on thou art well clad as mean soever as it is it is such an one as Heaven gave thee and such an one as thy dear Redeemer can and will embrace thee in The Presence-Chamber Fear not O my Soul I charge thee do not faint let not thy Weakness and the Poverty of thy Grace discourage thee see how thy Lord draws nigh O he comes and it is but to welcome thee and fall about thy Neck and kiss thee and bid thee a kind Welcome to thy bleeding Lord The Bread Welcome Fairest take and eat it is the sweetest Dainties dearest Morsel Heaven can afford thee Welcome my Dear to the Table of thy Lord welcome a thousand times I bid thee yea welcomer than thine own Heart can wish Take eat this Morsel it costs my Life it is a Portion thy Father sent unto thee by me and bid me remember thee of his Love to thee He bids thee remember a Father's Love I a Saviour's he hath a Heart to give thee and so have I take this in earnest of them both in one take freely if thou wert not welcome I would have told thee I would have ask'd thee for thy Wedding-Garment Tell me O tell me dost thou not love me I know thou dost And wilt not thou take the Cross and follow me I know thou wilt I heard thee and had Compassion on thy Groanings I know thee well enough thou art mine and I am thine take it I charge thee eat it as thou lovest me and while thou feedest remember the Love of thy dearest Redeemer The Wine Come my Dearest I have drunk and thou shalt pledge me I have broached my Sides and drew it on purpose for thee this is a Wine of my own making when I trod the Wine-Press of my Father's Wrath it is my Blood take and drink it Sin was the Cause of my wounding but to thy Soul it shall prove healing I died and bled to make this Banquet for thee I have brought thee into my Wine-Cellar and my Banner over thee shall be Love Fear not take and drink thou hast an Ulcer in thy Heart and this shall cure it thy Spirits are faint this shall revive thee Drink I charge thee drink on thy Love and Loyalty to me I command thee as thou wilt have thy Heart to mend thy Wounds to be cured thy Spirits to revive thy Fears to scatter thy Soul to love and obey me Take O take this Cup into thy Hand taste it and praise my Name Memorable Sayings and Passages collected and transcribed for his own Vse These are some among others WHat we are affraid to do before Men we should be affraid to think before God because our secret Thoughts are as obvious to the Eyes of God as our Actions to the Eyes of Men. God shewed more Mercy in saving some when he might have condemned all than he did Justice in leaving some to perish when he might have saved none Great Vertues without Sincerity of Heart are rejected when great Infirmities without Hypocrisie are pardon'd A good Intention cannot make a bad Action good tho' an ill Intention may make an Action in it self good to be evil He who presumes to sin in Hopes of Repentance shall be sure to repent because he presumes They who presume most in a time of Prosperity are most apt to despair in Adversity Repent one Day before thou diest was good Counsel I know not when that Day will be therefore I will repent to Day lest it should be too late to Morrow He that delays his Repentance one Day hath another Day more to repent of and one Day less to do it in God who joins the End and Means together doth accomplish all his Purposes of Good to us by working in us Desires and Endeavours sutable to those Purposes Better go to Heaven by the Gates of Hell than to Hell by the Gate of Heaven mourning to the Heavenly Glory than laughing to the Place of Torment One may suffer and not sin but if he sin he shall be sure to suffer Herod might have kept his Oath and not have cut off the Baptist's Head he only promised to grant what she ask'd to the half of his Kingdom whereas the Prophet's Head was more worth than the whole Such is the infinite Extent and Value of our Saviour's Merit that
return to him of whom I am now further to speak It pleased God to begin very early with him before he came to London when he was about Twelve or Thirteen Years old God doth often so bless a good Education of Children and would oftner do it if Parents would be careful to do their Duty in this Particular with Wisdom and Faithfulness There were such Discoveries as I am informed of his serious Godliness in his Youth as were observed by many to the Admiration of the Grace of God He began betimes to seek after God and Christ These were his best Days and he comfortably found him whom his Soul loved The Pleasure the Advantage the Success and Comfort of Devotedness to God in our Youth is beyond all Expression When he came to London God directed and settled him as an Apprentice with his Cousin Mr. Joshua Gearing already mentioned where he had the Advantages of a Religious Family and constantly attended the serious affectionate Ministry of Mr. James Nalton whose Name and Memory is still precious with many in this City God was pleased to bless his Preaching to his effectual Conversion or rather to nourish and increase the Seeds of Grace planted before He always thought he could never speak with Honour and Affection enough of Mr. Nalton whom God had made so useful to his Soul He would frequently to his dying Day mention with what powerful Impressions on his Consciences his Sermons were accompanied how he thought himself in a Corner of Heaven under his Ministry that he could many times have wished to have gone directly to Heaven from the Place of Publick Worship such a Presence and Power of the Divine Spirit did attend the Gospel-Ministrations May the Residue of this Spirit be more plentifully poured out on the Ministers of Christ in this City and Nation for the like Effects on the Souls of Men He hath often Spoken and writ how sweet and advantagious a Season for Religion the Time of his Apprenticeship was What Heavenly Thoughts and Meditations be frequently had in the Shop and behind the Counter He hath often professed that by reason of his Freedom at that time from Worldly Cares and Business it was the best Time he ever enjoyed for God and his Soul in his whole Life He had then nothing else to do but to serve God and please his Master who was the more pleased with him for loving and pleasing and serving God The Conversation he had in Heaven by Ejaculatory Prayer while he followed his Master's Business he hath often since reflected on with Joy and Thanks saying He would not for all the World but be able to remember what he then enjoyed for he never had such lively comfortable uninterrupted Communion with God afterwards Tho' in his After-course he continued in this Evidence of a Heavenly Mind and Heart frequently to lift up his Soul to God whatever Business he was about and whatever Company he was in He hath sometimes owned that he enjoyed as much of God in his Thoughts while walking in the Streets as when he was upon his Knees When his Time was out he chose to tarry a whole Year or more with his Master being afraid lest the World should engross too much of his Heart and Time and had almost resolved to retire into the Country to be out of the Danger of many Temptations and to have more Opportunities for Meditation and Prayer But judging truly enough that that was not the way to be useful in the World nor could he bring so much Glory to God in a private retired Life as by settling in a Family and Calling he accordingly did both And chose a sutable Companion out of a Religious Family who desired with him to make Religion her Business and God was afterwards very kind to him in the like Choice It was his Custom every Night to write down in Short-hand some of the most material Things of every Day relating to his Soul as his Mercies his Sins the Frame of his Heart in Duty gracious Returns of Prayer special Providences to himself and others c. He desired every Night to lie down in Expectation of Death and Preparation for it tho' he were in perfect Health And through the Goodness of God he enjoyed an extraordinary Measure of it for many Years So that till a little before his Death I have heard him say that he had not been above twice kept by Sickness from hearing a Sermon on the Lord's Day for the space of Forty Years To those Christians who have full leisure for this excellent daily Work of Self-examination and recording the Result of it this Course would be of unspeakable Advantage But I urge it not upon all It is sufficient to many to renew their Repentance for daily Failings and record only the extraordinary and more remarkable Passages of their Lives not having time to record the ordinary Occurrences of every Day But besides what he did every Day he frequently set apart whole Days with Fasting and Prayer to examine and try the State of his Soul Part whereof he transcribed afterwards tho' but a very little part which is here added as containing the Character and Trial of a Real Christian with the Reason of his transcribing it And I am perswaded he did it with great Sincerity and Humility the rather because when about a Month or six Weeks before his Death he was under some Darkness and Clouds as to his Evidences for Heaven and apprehended his Time on Earth would be but short he desired to discourse with me more than once about the State of his Soul which I shall always remember with Thankfulness to God in order to my making the better Judgment of his Case he let me see some of those Papers written many Years before but sends me a Letter the next Morning to recal them mentioning his great Trouble after I was gone lest what he had done savoured of Pride and ought rather to have been concealed Such was the Tenderness of his Conscience in this and in every thing I shall say the less concerning his Examination of himself because you have here annexed a short Account of the manner of it The lawfulness of trying our selves by Marks and Signs of the Truth of Grace I hope will not be questioned when it is but to evidence the Sincerity of our Faith and Repentance and holy Obedience while we ascribe unto our Lord Jesus Christ what belangs to him as our great High-Priest All that is done by Christ without us in order to our Salvation may and ought to be distinguished from what is done by the Spirit of Christ and his Grace within us because there is a manifest difference between what causeth our Acceptance with God and that which is evidential of it in order to our own Comfort His Example in the strict Observation of the Lord's Day and conscientious Faithfulness in his Family-Relations hath been taken notice of to the Edification of many The
Weekly Christian Sabbath was honourable and esteemed by him he made it his Delight He remembred it before it came by something Preparatory in his Family upon the Saturday Evening He was early in the Morning on that Day in his Closet and likewise in Family Worship with Prayer and Thanksgiving and reading the Holy Scripture whereof Children and Servants were to remember somewhat and so prepared for the Publick Worship He would not willingly suffer any idle or vain Discourse throughout the whole Day admonishing all about him to take heed of their Thoughts and Words in a special manner upon the Lord's Day He retired as soon as he came home at Noon for a little space and enquired of Inferiors what they remembred He express'd his Dislike of those who had been careless herein by encouraging those that did better His Discourse was always serious savoury and sutable at his Table often minding those about him how many had gone into Eternity the last Week and of the Bounty and Kindness of Heaven in the Plenty they enjoyed both for Spirituals and Temporals beyond others After Dinner a Chapter or two was always read and some part of a serious Practical Book till it was time to go to the Publick Worship Therein he was always reverent and serious After he came home he retired to his Closet for near an Hour and charged all the rest of the Family to go alone likewise then he called them together begun with a short Invocation of God sung a Psalm and repeated the Morning-Sermon and prayed with them before Supper Many who lived with him can witness that in Family-Prayer upon the Lord's Day he had more than ordinary Affections and Fervency and it is the Experience of other Christians O that Heads of Families would but make a Trial After Prayer he retired a very little probably to reflect on his Frame in the last Duty and then would ask his Children some pertinent Questions concerning the Principles of Religion After Supper he repeated the Afternoon-Sermon and enquired what they remembred of it He was himself the last in the Family who went to Bed that he might run over the Heads of what he had heard and repeated For these he reviewed on Monday Morning and kept in his Memory all the Week and every Day repeated somewhat thereof to himself that he might have the Subject of those Sermons continually in his Thoughts as the Food of his Soul till another Lord's Day came He recommended this Practice unto others hereby to live the Sermons we hear and to be under an Awe and Influence by them all the Week after On Monday Mornings ever since the Black Bartholomew-Day when about Two thousand Ministers were silenced for want of such a Liberty and Toleration as God is now pleased mercifully to allow us he did from that time until his Death accustom himself to rise at Four a Clock every Monday Morning and oftentimes sooner spending the time in his Closet till Six especially in Prayer for the Nation and the Church of Christ I have heard that several others agreed with him in the like Practice But in his ordinary Course he was went to be early every Morning in his Closet and about Seven a Clock would call his Family together and read a Psalm or two and pray with them His great Measure of Health was a considerable Help to him to do more than others in this and several Particulars And accordingly he improved it without losing any time in unnecessary Recreations saying he desired no other Recreation but to think and speak of God and mind his Glory He often thankfully acknowledged the Divine Goodness that his Imployment was such that he had more time for serious solitary Religion than others and that he had more time for reading in his Shop and might have it shut sooner in the Evening And he contracted his Business or would not choose to hurry himself by enlarging of it with that very Design The first thing he did there in the Morning was to read some part of the Holy Scripture with the best Annotations he could procure upon them and the like in the Evening And in reading them over again and again regularly and in course he found much Advantage he still perceived such a Majesty such a Mystery such a Depth in them that he was never weary of fathoming tho' he could never reach the bottom He desired to walk by that Rule to be guided by that Light and to derive his Supports Incouragements and Hopes from thence I hardly ever knew one more careful of his Time and all that knew him must say the same He would tarry but a very little while in any Company where he might not do or receive Good He was so punctual in his time of Retirement for Secret Prayer about Six in the Summer and Five in the Winter unless he were hearing a Sermon at that Hour that he would usually make some Excuse or other to break away from Company tho' he returned to them in Half an Hour His Communion with God there was discovered by the Frame of his Spirit when he came from thence It is there we speak our Minds and Hearts more freely to God and there he communicates of his gracious Influence in a special manner to us He found more Satisfaction and Comfort in one such Hour by pouring out his Soul to God alone than in the most witty chearful Conversation of such whose Discourse administers no Grace or Profit to the Hearers When he hath been desired to go to Bed sooner or as soon as others he would often say he would do as others if he were not certain that he must die But our sleeping Time he said was lost as to any spiritual Good any further than it fits us for our Duty by preserving Health The last thing he did every Evening was to go into his Closet and with Prayer and Self-examination to close the Day Once a Week viz. every Friday Night as a little before his Death he said it had been his constant Custom to review the Mercies of his whole Life thereby to promote his Humility and Thankfulness to keep up his Hope in God and quicken his chearful diligent Obedience to him His Care and Concern for the Souls of those under his Charge especially his Children was very extraordinary and attended with good Success as several of his Relations living and dying have owned Of his usefulness to one related to him you have some Account in the Narrative of her Conversion to God which is here annex'd His Counsels and Example made those in his Family begin to love Religion for his sake which afterwards they did for its own God doth often bring us to him by Instruments of Nature and Affection and give the Influence of his Spirit to carry on those good Beginnings He usually ask'd the Assembly's Catechism in his Family twice every Week and encouraged Inferiors by Rewards to learn it and to get some select
bear the Cross as well as receive the Crown Now it is said If we suffer with him we shall also reign with him 2 Tim. 2. 12. These things it pleased God to bring to my Mind as some ground of Hope that my State is good I enter'd these things here Aug. 11. 1676. Now my Intention is if it please God to make use of other Helps and search my Heart by them and enter them down here that I may have resort to them in a time of need anâ— the Lord help me further in this great Work of Self-Examination that I may not be deceived for the Lord Jesus Christ's sake Having endeavoured to search my Heart throughly after earnest Prayer to God I hope I find the Evidences of Grace in me that Mr. Allen hath laid down which are these 1. Where there is true Grace there is a hearty Willingness to part with every Sin Where ever there is this Breach made between Sin and the Soul it is Grace that hath made it When Sin hath lost the Will it hath lost the Man when Christ hath gained the Will he hath gained the Man Give me thy Heart is the same as Be willing to be mine Reason saith I ought to turn Conscience saith I must turn and yet nothing may follow But when the Heart saith I will turn to God then the Work is done Reason saith These Idols ought not to stand Conscience saith These Lusts must be subdued But when the Will saith to them Get you hence there is a Work of Grace begun This Willingness discovers it self to be prevailing First When a man is truly willing to part with Sin there will be Resolutions against it he takes part with God against Sin and uses all Means for the conquering of it Secondly This Resolution will bring forth Resistance An Heart weary of Sin will fall to striving against Sin Gal. 5. 17. The Flesh lusteth against the Spirit and the Spirit against the Flesh those two are contrary one to the other 2. Where ever there is true Grace there is a preferring in the Esteem and Choice of a strict and sincere Godly Life above any other Life in the World Tho' the foolish World runs a madding after Money and Pleasure spend their Days waste their Lives prostitute their Consciences throw away their Souls upon these things yet one Drachm of Godliness one Day spent in the Fear of the Lord is better than all this Psal 4. 6. There be many that say Who will shew us any good But Lord lift thou up the Light of thy Countenance on me saith a gracious Soul Thou hast put Gladness in my Heart more than in the time when their Corn and Wine increased Psal 17. 14 15. The Men of the World have their Portion in this Life their Bellies thou fillest with thy hid Treasure they are full of Children and leave the rest of their Substance to their Babes But as for me I will behold thy Face in Righteousness I shall be satisfied when I awake in thy Likeness The Men of this World as they seek so they have their Portion in this Life They have a gallant time of it here great Portions great Prosperity enough to spend on themselves and leave to their Children after them this they have and much good may it do them let me but behold the Face of God in Righteousness walk before the Lord in my Integrity keep a good Conscience live in the Obedience of his Will and in the Light of his Countenance and then let them take the Corn and Wine and what else they can get Let the Lord be mine and I shall never envy them their Portion Psal 119. 30. I have chosen the way of Truth V. 111. Thy Testimonies have I taken as my Heritage for ever Observe 1. That a Godly Man's settled Judgment is That a Godly Life is the best and happiest Life 2. That a Godly Man's Choice is according to his Judgment He esteems the Fear of the Lord above Gold and he chooses it before Gold He is better pleased and doth rather take up with the meanest and most afflicted Condition in a way of Holiness than with the most plentiful and prosperous Estate in a way of Sin He prefers the Poverty of Christ before the Riches of the World 3. Godly Men and Worldly Men may be known one from the other by the Choice they make for themselves he that makes a Worldly Choice is a Worldly Man and he that makes a Godly Choice is a Godly Man 3. Whosoever hath true Grace doth actually live a Godly Life The Tree is best known by its Fruit the Sincerity of our Purposes by our Performances He that doth Righteousness is righteous 1 Joh. 3. 7. A Godly Man makes Godliness the Business of his Life Religion is a Christian's Trade A Man's Trade is his constant Work and not the Exercise of now and then a Day or two Godliness is a Christian 's daily Walk Do not inquire only about your Affections what your Desires are or what your Joys are what your Comforts are or what your Peace is but what your Paths are When all comes to all this is the surest Mark He that hath Righteousness is righteous he that doth not Righteousness is not of God Mr. Sheppard in his Sincere Convert lays down three Marks wherein a Child of God goes beyond a Hypocrite and I having examined my Heart hope I find them in me 1. No Hypocrite or Unregenerate Man tho' he goes never so far let him do never so much but he lives in one Sin or other secret or open little or great Now I hope in the Lord I do not live in any Sin 2. No Hypocrite no Unregenerate Man ever came to be poor in Spirit and to be carried off from all Duties unto Christ in regard of Dependance and Trust If it were possible for them to forsake and break loose for ever from all Sin yet here they stick They seek to save themselves by their Duties without Christ Now if my Heart doth not very much deceive me I desire to renounce all Things and rest only on Christ 3. If any Unregenerate Man come unto Christ he never takes up his Rest in Christ only but he would have Christ and the World too is not content with Christ alone But I hope I desire to be content with Christ alone and to say as the Martyr None but Christ None but Christ Mr. D. in his Book of the Lord's Supper to prove that one hath a Principle of Spiritual Life and is not dead in Trespasses and Sins writes thus Canst thou groan and cry to the Lord for an Interest in Christ and will nothing quiet and still thee but Jesus Christ Then surely thou dost live all the Creatures cannot quiet thee till thou hast Hopes that Christ is formed in thee Surely I find this Sign of Spiritual Life in me Again Dost thou grow It may be thou canst not say thou hast more Grace but
this thou findest thou hast more Desires after Grace that is more Grace Art thou not only thankful for a little Grace but art reaching after more Dost thou grow more weary of thy Sin and more earnest after Christ I hope in the Lord it is thus with me that I am more weary of Sin and desire more Grace Now Growth is a Sign of Life Again Put this Question to thy self Do I hunger and thirst after Christ This is an Evidence of Spiritual Life Dead Men do not hunger and thirst after Christ Now I hope in the Lord I do hunger and thirst after Christ and nothing but himself will content me Again Ask thy Soul Do I love God and Christ or do I not These Marks he gives of Love to Christ Lord I love thee for I am grieved at thy Absence and am rejoiced at thy Presence Lord I love thee for I love those that are like Thee O my Lord I love thee for I love the Place and Duties where thou art wont to meet thy People and warm their Hearts but if thou art not there I cannot take up contentedly with them Lord I humbly say I love thee for I dare not deny but I am grieved when thou art dishonoured by my self or others tho' I grieve for this less than I should because I love thee less than I ought Lord I love thee for I desire to have an Heart that should be willing to part with all for thee things sinful in themselves at all times and things lawful when thou callest me to it Once more I humbly say I love thee for I would have an Heart to love and long and look for thy Coming and Appearance in Glory Mr. Ambrose directing to try our Title to Heaven adviseth First To write down the Scripture-Marks or Grace or Glory and mentions these several Scriptures following 1 Joh. 2. 3. Hereby we know that we know him if we keep his Commandments 2 Cor. 1. 12. For our rejoicing is this the Testimony of our Conscience that in Godly Simplicity and Sincerity we have had our Conversation in the World 1 Joh. 3. 9 10. Whosoever is born of God sinneth not because his Seed abideth in him neither can he sin because he is born of God In this the Children of God are manifest c. 1 Joh. 4. 13. Hereby we know that we dwell in him and he in us because he hath given us of his Spirit 1 Joh. 3. 14. We know that we have passed from Death to Life because we love the Brethren James 1. 12. There is a Crown of Life the Lord hath promised to them that love him But above all observe these Texts following as containing the special Gospel-Conditions to which we find so often annexed the Promise of Justification and Glorification Joh. 3. 16. God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have Everlasting Life Joh. 5. 24. He that believeth hath Everlasting Life and shall not come into Condemnation but is passed from Death unto Life Joh. 6. 40. And this is the Will of him that sent me that every one that seeth the Son and believeth in him may have Everlasting Life Joh. 20. 31. These things are written that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ the Son of God and that believing ye might have Life through his Name Acts 16. 31. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved Rom. 10. 9 10. If thou shalt confess with thy Mouth the Lord Jesus and shalt believe in thy Heart that God hath raised him from the dead thou shalt be saved Heb. 10. 39. We are not of them who draw back unto Perdition but of them that believe to the saving of the Soul 1 Joh. 5. 13. These things have I written unto you that believe in the Name of the Son of God that ye may know that ye have Eternal Life From the first Text we gather the Scripture mark of universal Obedience from the second Sincerity from the third Opposition against and Abstinence from Sin from the fourth Spiritual Performance of holy Duties from the fifth a Love of the Brethren from the sixth a Love of Christ from all the rest Faith in Christ the Root and Spring of all other Graces and necessary Conditions of Pardon and Eternal Life Proceed we now to put the Question to our selves but be sure to state it aright Let it not be Whether there be any Good in us at all For so we shall err on the one hand nor yet Whether we have such and such a degree and measure of Grace For so we shall err on the other hand But Whether according to the fore-mentioned Scriptures such and such a saving Grace be in us or not Now I having begged of God his Help to try the State of my Soul by what follows this 17th of August 1676. and I do hope I find the true Marks of saving Grace in my Soul and desire here to enter them down that I may have recourse to it in time of need and the Lord grant I be sincere 1. O my Soul hast thou respect to and dost observe all God's Commandments Dost thou keep the Law in Truth and Sincerity tho' not in gradual Perfection Dost thou know God in part and love God truly by a sincere Obedience Dost thou keep the Commandments in an Evangelical Sense And wherein thou failest dost thou acknowledge thy Failings and rely upon Christ for Pardon Is thy universal Obedience internal and spiritual as well as external Is thy Delight in the Law of God after the Inward Man Is thy Obedience to the Duties of both Tables Dost thou make Conscience of particular Duties in every Relation 2. O my Soul hast thou Sincerity and Uprightness of Heart Is there a powerful Change of the whole Man by the Grace of God Dost thou do what is good upon this account because God commands it not because it will agree with thy Ends and Advantage but because God hath required it Art thou diligent and conscientious in secret Duties to perform them and in Spiritual or Heart Sins and secret Lusts to avoid them Dost thou serve God in Spirit Dost thou eye God whether in private or publick Dost thou set thy self zealously against those Sins thou art most inclined unto Dost thou hate Sin most in thy self and in those that are nearest unto thee Hast thou respect to all God's Commandments but yet to the Duties of the first Table before the second to the Commands of greater Duties before those of lesser Duties Or if in all these Particulars thou findest not such an Uprightness as hath no Deceit or Falshood or carnal Respects at all joined with it for as all other Graces are but in part so are we sincere and upright but in part art thou humbled under thy Hypocrisie and spiritual Guile And dost thou trust only to Christ And dost thou cry as David did for Truth in the
will go mourning in this World while I have a Day to live till Christ shall please to cast an Eye of Grace and Mercy on me Nay let it come to this I cannot live if God be not reconciled If Christ be not mine my Spirit fails If the Lord do not relieve me there is nothing No abiding for me unless he speak a Word of Peace When the Soul is brought to this I must have an Interest in Christ or nothing will satisfie me such an one shall find Acceptance Therefore be in good earnest and let the Desires of the Soul rise up to an holy Restlesness O wretched Negligence that we can let the greatest Concerns of our Souls lie at Hazard all our Days Ten Questions to ask our Hearts Thus Mr. Steel advis'd we should often commune with our Hearts I. What have I been if now I am changed I was a wretched Sinner II. What Good have I done that God may have the Glory and I the Comfort III. How have I done it IV. What have I neglected The slothful Servant is condemn'd who had Talents but did no good with them What Duties have I neglected and how many Opportunities of doing good omitted V. What State am I in Am I in a gracious or sinful State in Christ or in my Sins If I am in Christ he rules if in Sin that reigns VI. What Frame am I in Am I in a gracious or worldly Frame of Heart VII What do I Am I in my Calling and in the way of my Duty Am I now doing the Will of God VIII Whither am I going Towards Heaven or Hell Every Moment I take a Step to one of them IX How far am I on my Way to Heaven X. What shall I do to be saved Salvation is to be had how shall I attain it His Covenant with God O Most Dreadful God! for the Passion of thy Son I beseech Thee accept of thy poor Prodigal now prostrating himself at thy Door I have fallen from Thee by mine Iniquiry and am by Nature a Son of Death 〈◊〉 a thousand-fold more the Child of Hell by 〈◊〉 wicked Practice but of thine Infinite Grace Thou hast promised Mercy to me in Christ if I will but turn to thee with all my Heart Therefore upon the Call of thy Gospel I am now come in and throwing down my Weapons submit my self to thy Mercy And because thou requirest as the Condition of my Peace with thee that I should put away mine Idols and be at Defiance with all thine Enemies which I acknowledge I have wickedly sided with against thee I here from the bottom of my Heart renounce them all firmly Covenanting with thee Not to allow my self in any known Sin but to use conscientiously all the Means that I know thou hast prescribed for the Death and utter Destruction of all my Corruptions And whereas I have formerly inordinately and idolatrously let out my Affections upon the World I do here resign my Heart to thee that mad'st it humbly protesting before thy Glorious Majesty That it is the firm Resolution of my Heart and that I do unfeignedly desire Grace from thee that when thou shalt call me hereunto I may practise this my Resolution through thy Assistance to forsake all that is dear unto me in this World rather than to turn from thee to the Ways of Sin and that I will watch against all its Temptations whether of Prosperity or Adversity lest they should withdraw my Heart from thee beseeching thee also to help me against the Temptations of Satan to whose wicked Suggestions I resolve by thy Grace never to yield my self a Servant And because my own Righteousness is but menstruous Rags I renounce all Confidence therein and acknowlege that I am of my self a hopeless helpless undone Creature without Righteousness or Strength And for as much as thou hast of thy bottomless Mercy offered most graciously to me wretched Sinner to be again my God through Christ if I would accept of thee I call Heaven and Earth to record this Day that I do here solemnly avouch thee for the Lord my God and with all possible Veneration bowing the Neck of my Soul under the Feet of thy most Sacred Majesty I do here take Thee the Lord Jehovah Father Son and Holy Ghost for my Portion and Chief Good and do give up my self Body and Soul for thy Servant promising and vowing to serve thee in Holiness and Righteousness all the Days of my Life And since thou hast appointed the Lord Jesus Christ the only Means of coming unto thee I do here upon the bended Knees of my Soul accept of him as the only new and living Way by which Sinners may have Access to thee and do here solemnly join my self in a Marriage-Covenant to him O blessed Jesus I come to thee hungry and hardly bestead poor and wretched and miserable and blind and naked a most loathsome polluted Wretch a guilty condemned Malefactor unworthy for ever to wash the Feet of the Servants of my Lord much more to be solemnly married to the King of Glory But sith such is thine unparallel'd Love I do here with all my Power accept thee and do take thee for my Head and Husband for better for worse for richer for poorer for all Times and Conditions to love and honour and obey thee before all others and this to the Death I embrace thee in all thine Offices I renounce my own Worthiness and do here avow thee for the Lord my Righteousness I renounce mine own Wisdom and do here take thee for my only Guide I renounce my own Will and take thy Will for my Law And since thou hast told me that I must suffer if I will reign I do here Covenant with thee to take my Lot as it falls with thee and by thy Grace assisting to run all Hazards with thee verily purposing that neither Life nor Death shall part between thee and me And because thou hast been pleased to give me thy holy Laws as the Rule of my Life and the Way in which I should walk to thy Kingdom I do here willingly put my Neck under thy Yoke and set my Shoulder to thy Burden and subscribing to all thy Laws as holy just and good I solemnly take them as the Rule of my Words Thoughts and Actions promising that tho' my Flesh contradict and rebel yet I will endeavour to order and govern my whole Life according to thy Direction and will not allow my self in the Neglect of any thing that I know to be my Duty Only because through the Frailty of my Flesh I am subject to many Failings I am bold humbly to protest that unallowed Miscarriages contrary to the settled Bent and Resolution of my Heart shall not make void this Covenant for so thou hast said Now Almighty God Searcher of all Hearts thou knowest that I make this Covenant with thee this Day without any known Guile or Reservation beseeching thee That if thou espiest any Flaw
Happiness for ever And when I thought of the Torments of Hell the Fire that must never go out and the Worm that shall never die this I looked upon as the due Desert of my Sins and as my Portion I had renounced all my own Righteousness I could see nothing in my self but what deserved Hell I wondred at the Patience of God to me I could justifie him tho' he should damn me I thought my self unworthy to eat or drink or breathe or tread upon the Earth I looked every Day when God would glorifie himself in my Damnation but this I kept to my self Tho' others could not but take notice of the Sadness of my Spirit and wondred at it yet I did not tell any how it was with me My Heart was very full and I longed to vent it but I knew not how To God I durst not go being conscious of my own Vileness I was ashamed to make known my Condition to Man it was so bad I thought none ever had such blasphemous Thoughts as I had I wished some of the Saints did know my Condition that they might direct me and pray for me but I could not tell to whom to apply my self Thus was I in Perplexity tossed to and fro and not comforted And tho' the Lord was pleased to uphold me and keep me from falling into the Pit of Despair yet I was very near it I was encompassed about with so many and great Temptations and they came so strong upon me that I could not hold out any longer to conceal my Trouble Then the Lord put it into my Mind to acquaint my Unkle Gearing with my sad Condition but the Devil endeavoured all he could to hinder it by perswading me that it was a foolish thing to declare my Wickedness to one that was so holy that I should but purchase his ill Opinion of me and cause him to hate and abhor me and do my self no good at all by telling him of it Yet still I had a Desire to do it and I had no Rest in my Spirit till I had done it But sometimes I wanted an Opportunity and sometimes when I would have spoken I could not But at last a fit Opportunity was presented upon a Sabbath-Day Night all being in Bed except my Unkle and my self I was resolved to open my Heart freely to him When I began to speak my Mouth was as it were stopped but with trembling I forced my self to speak and made known my sad Condition I told him what grievous Blasphemous Thoughts I had and that I was affraid I had committed the Sin against the Holy Ghost and thought therefore I should certainly be damned and had no Hopes of Salvation but I desired his Prayers for me and his Advice in a Matter of such Consequence It pleased the Lord to affect his Heart with my Condition He told me it was not my Sin to be tempted if I did not yield to the Temptation And therefore it should not drive me to despair of God's Mercy He said it was a Sign I had not committed the Sin against the Holy Ghost because I was affraid I had committed it He spoke much of the gracious Nature of God and of his Willingness to save Sinners and as I remember he told me of many and great Sinners in Scripture to whom God had shewed Mercy as Manasseh and Mary Magdalen and the Thief upon the Cross He also directed me to many sweet Promises in Scripture but that especially which is never to be forgotten Ezek. 36. 25 26. Then will I sprinkle clean Water upon you and you shall be clean from all your Filthiness and from all your Idols will I cleanse you A new Heart also will I give you and a new Spirit will I put within you c. He told me every one might lay hold on this Promise When he read these Scriptures to me my Heart rejoiced and I began to hope God would pardon me and give me a new Heart and cause me to walk in his Ways He also gave me very good Counsel particularly to be constant in the Excellent Duty of Secret Prayer and told me the great Benefit I should find thereby c. Now having made known my Condition and declared my Trouble and hearing these gracious Promises to poor Sinners I found some Ease and Satisfaction in my Mind and the beginning of Comfort in my Soul I resolved to put these Duties in practice Secret Prayer Self-examination Meditation c. But I was altogether a Stranger to these inward Heart-Duties I knew not how to perform them as I ought How many times have I kneeled down to pray and knew not what to say but wanted not Sighs and Tears And so my Necessity and the Sense of my Vileness my earnest Desires after Christ and his Grace put Words into my Mouth Tho' my Duties were miserably lame and defective yet they were performed with much Earnestness and Importunity and I think I may say in Sincerity surely then my Heart was in every Word and in every Duty I did not then dally with God I was in good earnest for my Soul and that Promise was comfortable to me If there be first a willing Mind it is accepted with God c. I found that Scripture made good to me Then shall we know if we follow on to know the Lord. And that in Isa 40. 16. I will bring the Blind by the way that they knew not I will make Darkness Light before them and crooked things strait These things will I do unto them and not forsake them saith the Lord. These and such Scriptures were sweet and I began to search the Bible to find them And when the Lord was pleased to set them home upon my Heart they were as Cordials many times to my fainting Soul But tho' I had some Comfort and Support yet was I not free from Temptations and Trouble of Mind My spiritual Enemies strove hard to hinder my Godly Course and turn me from it had not the Lord been stronger than they My Sin was a heavy Burden to me and I had earnest Desires after Christ yet I found it very hard to believe Satan laboured to perswade me that I was not elected to Salvation and therefore whatever I did I should never be saved This was no small Trouble to my Spirit but it pleased the Lord to direct me to a Book in which I found much Satisfaction concerning this Matter Then Satan told me He that believeth not should be damned and therefore because I was full of Unbelief and Doubting I was condemned already But when I was in great Trouble about this it pleased the Lord to cast in this Scripture If we believe not yet he abideth faithful he cannot deny himself This did very much support me and so did these following Promises which I had not taken notice of before nor applied to my self Isa 55. 1. and all this Chapter and Mat. 11. 28. Joh. 7. 37. Rev. 22. 17. Joh. 3. 16.
Mat. 7. 7. Psal 30. 18. Joh. 16. 24. Psal 84. 11. Isa 40. 27. Psal 27. 14. Lament 3. 24 25 26. Psal 147. 11. Psal 26. 3 4. Isa 50. 10. Isa 41. 10. Isa 43. 24 25. Isa 44. 22. 1 Joh. 1. 9. 1 Joh. 2. 1. Mark 1. 18 19. Rom. 6. 14. Ezek. 34. 6. Psal 103. 8 9. Job 17. 9. Prov. 4. 18. Phil. 1. 6. Joh. 10. 7. Rom. 16. 20. Heb. 4. 15. These Promises with many more was the Lord pleased to give me in the time of my Distress and Trouble of Spirit and I found them reviving Cordials O how welcome was a Promise to me When I have been ready to despair and to give up all for lost and had nothing to support me then did I take the Bible into my Hand and desire God to direct some sutable Promise to me and opening the Bible the first place I have cast mine Eye upon hath often been a precious and sutable Promise and hath been set home with such Power as wonderfully to comfort me Once being under great Fear and Terror I opened the Bible and the first place I fixed my Eye upon was Isa 54. 4. Fear not for thou shalt not be confounded nor put to shame thou shalt forget the Shame of thy Youth thy Maker is thy Husband the Lord of Hosts is his Name and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel the God of the whole Earth shall he be called for the Lord hath called thee as a Woman forsaken and grieved in Spirit c. For a small Moment have I forsaken thee but with great Mercy will I gather thee In a little Wrath I hid my Face for a moment but with everlasting Kindness will I have Mercy on thee saith the Lord thy Redeemer c. I was wonderfully affected in the reading these sweet Promises and took it as a Voice from Heaven to me because I had desired some such sutable Promise At another time being in great Trouble and fearing I should never hold out but be overcome by Sin and Satan I opened my Bible and the first place I fixed my Eye upon was Isa 41. 10. Fear not for I am with thee be not dismayed for I am thy God I will strengthen thee yea I will help thee yea will uphold thee with the right hand of my Righteousness I cannot express the Comfort I received by this sutable and seasonable Promise One Sabbath-Day Night being still followed with Temptations full of unbelieving Doubts and Fears I was much troubled about it that I who had received such great Mercies should have such vain Thoughts and be so full of Unbelief Notwithstanding the Experience I had of God's Goodness and Mercy to me and the Assurance I had before of his Love I was tempted to think that I was not elected and that therefore all I did was to no purpose and that I should never be saved This was a subtile and strong Temptation Satan did not only labour to drive me off from all Duty but to weaken my Faith and bring me to Despair But the Lord who had many times before wonderfully rescued me from the roaring Lion would not suffer me to be foiled by him but was pleased to present that Scripture to my Eye There is no Temptation has taken you but such as is common to Men and God is Faithful who will not suffer you to be tempted above what you are able but will with the Temptation make a way to escape that ye may be able to bear it At another time being greatly troubled with Unbelief that Place in the Revelations was terrible to me The Fearful and Unbelieving shall have their part in the Lake that burns with Fire and Brimstone which is the second Death This made me exceedingly affraid I thought if the Fearful and Unbelieving should perish then surely I should because I was so full of Fears and Doubts and Unbelief But the Lord did not leave me in this great Streight he would not suffer me to be overwhelmed with Sorrow but quickly directed me to a sutable and seasonable Scripture that was as comfortable as the other was terrible 2 Tim. 2. 13. If we believe not yet be abideth faithful he cannot deny himself This Promise was very sweet and sutable to my present Condition neither did I remember there was such a Place before These and many of the fore-named Promises were given me in my Trouble and Distress and the Lord enabled me by his Spirit to make Application of them to my own Soul for my Consolation Certainly I may say with David I had fainted unless I had believed to see the Goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living The Sorrows of Death did compass me about and the Pains of Hell got hold upon me I found Trouble and Sorrow Then called I upon the Name of the Lord O Lord I beseech thee deliver my Soul Gracious is the Lord and righteous yea our God is merciful I was brought low and he helped me Return unto thy Rest O my Soul for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee In the multitude of my Thoughts within me thy Comforts delight my Soul In the Day when I cried thou answeredst me and strengthenedst me with Strength in my Soul Blessed be the Lord because he hath heard the Voice of my Supplication the Lord is my Strength and my Song my Heart trusted in him and I am helped If it had not been the Lord who had been on my side when Satan rose up against me he had surely swallowed me up The Lord has called me out of Darkness into his marvelous Light He hath plucked me as a Fire-brand out of Hell and set me in the way to Heaven So that I may say again and again Great is his Mercy towards me for he hath delivered my Soul from the lowest Hell But O! why is it that I am so little sensible of this great Deliverance How can I look back upon all this without admiring the Free Grace and undeserved Love of God towards such a worthless Worm as I who was an Enemy to him and a Rebel against him and had nothing in me but what deserved Hell O that ever the Lord should from Eternity elect and choose me to Salvation through Jesus Christ That God should pass by thousands and let them alone to perish in their Sins and cast a Look of Love upon me and when I was in my Blood say unto me Live That he should not only give his Son for me but to me That he should take me with the Prodigal from the Trough and with the Beggar from the Dunghil and make me an Heir of Glory When I read that Christ's Flock is but a little Flock and that strait is the Gate and narrow is the Way that leads to Life and few there be that find it I cannot but wonder that I should be in that Number And because I cannot sufficiently admire I will therefore adore my Good God But what Returns should I
now make to the Lord for all this Mercy Of my self I am not able to think a good Thought it is unlikely then I should make any sutable Return I have nothing of my own but Sin and that is God's Enemy which he perfectly hates I am not my own for I am bought with a Price Therefore if I give my self to him it is but that which was his own before Yet this will I do because I have nothing else to give I will give my Soul and Body to be the Lord's expecting Acceptance only for the Sake and Merits of Jesus Christ Surely God requires nothing of me but what he hath first given to me All that he requireth is but the Reflection of his Love back again when I have had the Comfort of it O what Thanks and Praise should I render to the Lord and say with David Bless the Lord O my Soul and all that is within me bless his holy Name Bless the Lord O my Soul and forget not all his Benefits He forgiveth all thine Iniquities c. Thou art my God and I will praise thee thou art my God and I will extol thee O give Thanks unto the Lord for he is good for his Mercy endureth for ever For he satisfieth the longing Soul and filleth the Hungry with good Things I will bless the Lord at all times and his Praise shall be continually in my Mouth I will love the Lord because he has heard the Voice of my Supplication because he has inclined his Ear unto me therefore will I call upon him as long as I live I will extol thee my God O King I will bless thy Name for ever and ever I will praise the Lord while I live I will sing Praise to my God while I have any Being And now when I look back upon this I cannot but rejoice in the Lord and joy in the God of my Salvation because I hope I have gone through the Pangs of the New Birth and truly enter'd in at the strait Gate and am now going the narrow Way that leads to Eternal Life which I hope to obtain through the Merits of Jesus Christ my Saviour And again When I reflect and look back upon all these Things what Cause have I to bewail the Sins of my Youth and the State of my Unregeneracy which was spent in Sin and Vanity and in those things wherein there is no Profit If God should remember against me the Sins of my Youth he might write bitter things against me If I should live the Age of Methusalah and spend all my Time in weeping the Tears of my Life to come were not sufficient to bewail the Sins of my Life past O what did I lose when I enjoyed no Communion with God! How much richer might I have been in Grace and Holiness and I set out in the Way to Heaven sooner But this is my Comfort tho' I did not come in at the first Hour yet I did not stay till the last This was the Lord's Mercy But my Sins before Conversion are not all the Sins which I have to mourn for but the Sins which I have been guilty of since and in some measure my Sins are greater since than they were before For I have now sinned against clearer Light dearer Love more Manifestations of God's Goodness more Experience of his Kindness more Resolutions to obey him greater Obligations to serve him so that I am asham'd to think how unthankful my Walking hath been since the Lord hath given me some Desires to serve him some Care to please him and some Fear to offend him When he was pleased first to lift up the Light of his Countenance upon me and speak Peace to my Soul after so many Temptations and Troubles of Conscience then I did not only serve him with Joy and Thankfulness but also with Life and Vigor O how was my Heart affected with Spiritual Things When I prayed it was with Sense and Feeling it was not only in Word but I poured out my Soul before the Lord. When I heard the Word of God how did I hear as for my Life and performed every Duty as for Eternity I did not look upon Duty meerly as a Task but accounted it a great Privilege to draw nigh to God in the Ways of his Appointment I found it was not in vain to seek him I was even filled with the Admiration of his Love and the Consolations of the Spirit and my Heart was enlarged and ran the Ways of his Commandments with great Delight and Comfort I could say with the Church As the Apple-tree among the Trees of the Wood so was my Beloved Jesus to my Soul I sate down under his Shadow with great Delight and his Fruit was sweet unto my Taste I could in some measure say with David As the Hart panteth after the Water-brooks so panteth my Soul after thee O God My Soul thirsteth for God for the living God When shall I come and appear before God O God thou art my God early will I seek thee My Flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty Land where no Water is How amiable are thy Tabernacles O Lord of Hosts My Soul longeth yea even fainteth for the Courts of the Lord for a Day in thy Courts is better than a thousand c. My Soul waiteth for God from whom cometh my Salvation He only is my Rock and my Salvation he is my Defence I shall not be greatly moved In God is my Salvation and my Glory the Rock of my Strength and my Refuge is in God Because thy Loving-kindness is better than Life my Lips shall praise thee my Soul shall be satisfied as with Marrow and Fatness and my Mouth shall praise thee with joyful Lips With my whole Heart have I sought thee O Lord let me not wander from thy Commandments Thou art my Portion O Lord I have said I will keep thy Precepts for with them thou hast quickned me O how love I thy Law It is my Meditation all the Day How sweet is thy Word to my Taste yea sweeter than Honey to my Mouth therefore I love thy Commandments above Gold yea above fine Gold Thus was my Heart filled with Joy and my Mouth with Praise and tho' my Dwelling was on Earth yet my Conversation was in Heaven I looked upon all things here below with an indifferent eye I could in some measure say with Paul None of these things move me neither count I my Life dear to my self so I may finish my Course with Joy I was then able to make a spiritual Use of every Providence and of every Mercy and of every thing I met with I found the assistance of the Holy Spirit to perform spiritual Duties in a spiritual manner and helping and directing me to some Duties which I never knew to be my Duty And tho' I cannot say I was wholly free from Temptation yet I can say whenever Satan began to set upon me I was enabled to see that it
was a Temptation and presently to run to Jesus Christ for Succour and Relief and to apply the Promises unto my Soul and I quickly found Comfort and was soon freed from Temptation But in this my Prosperity I was ready to say I shall never be removed I began to think I should never be in Adversity and sometimes I was ready to question whether I was one of God's Children because I had no Afflictions I thought God did not love me because he did not chasten me I thought I could bear any thing he should lay upon me As I valued not Life so I feared not Death I thought I could freely and willingly lay down my Life for Christ if I was called to it But this joyful lively active Frame of Spirit did not long continue in about a quarter of a Year it began to abate and I began to be more cold and indifferent in spiritual things and not to be so active and lively as before This was a great trouble to me and made me to question all that was past I thought I should still have grown better and better and not worse Then that Scripture was terrible to me 2 Pet. 2. 29. If after they have escaped the pollutions of the World through the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ they are again entangled therein and overcome their latter end is worse than their beginning And that Scripture Heb. 6. 4. It is impossible for those that were once enlightned and have tasted the good Word of God c. if they fall away to renew them again to repentance Also that Text Rev. 3. 15 16. Because thou art neither hot nor cold I will spew thee out of my mouth I was much sensible of my Backslidings fear'd I should turn Apostate Had not that sweet Promise interposed I will heal their backslidings and love them freely I had been certainly swallowed up in Despair Satan that roaring Lion came upon me very fiercely but that Scripture was very comfortable to me I will put my fear into their hearts and my spirit into their inward parts and they shall never depart from me And whom he loveth he loveth to the end And he that hath begun a good Work will perform it unto the day of Jesus Christ And faithful is he that hath called you who will also do it These and other Scriptures did support me but I could not attain to my former lively performance of holy Duties nor had I that Communion with God in holy Duties as formerly which was no small trouble to me and kept me from rejoicing in God Yet I cannot say but I had sometimes Assurance of God's Love but not constantly as I had before Then my Grandmother being sick I went to be with her at my Uncle's House He being a very good Man his Company was no small Comfort to me My Grandmother also being a very pious Woman was always speaking of what was good I enjoy'd much of God while I was there but yet was many times in fear about my Spiritual State and much troubled with the Temptations of Satan After I had been there a quarter of a Year it pleased the Lord to visit me with the Small Pox which was a very sore Disease to me I was brought so low as to be given over for dead by most if not all that saw me and once they thought I had been actually dead When I was first sick I began to be in great fear what would become of me if I should die but this Cloud was soon blown over and the Lord was pleased to shine upon me with the Light of his Countenance and speak Peace to my Conscience And when I was as weak as I think any could be and live yet had I then much inward Joy and Comfort the Promises were as Cordials to my fainting Spirits That Promise Isa 41. 10 did often refresh me Fear not for I am with thee be not dismayed for I am thy God I will strengthen thee I will help thee yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness That also Psal 73. 25. My flesh and my heart faileth but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever So Psal 43. 5. Why art thou cast down O my Soul Why art thou disquieted within me Hope thou in God for I shall yet praise him who is the health of my countenance and my God These and many other Promises were my Support in the Day of my Distress I had then such assurance of God's Goodness and Love to me and of the Pardon of my Sins and of my Interest in Christ that I longed for Death and could not bear the thoughts of living any longer I had such Fore-tastes of Heaven that I cared not for the Earth I earnestly desired to be dissolved and to be with Christ which is best of all I thought if I should live any longer I should but sin against God and that I could not glorifie him in my Life as I desired I thought if he should restore me I should not be enabled to walk answerably to so great a Mercy These and other such Reasons made me impatient of Life and long for Death I was angry with any that prayed for my Life I now fear that I did sin in being so desirous of Death and not submitting my Will to the Will of God to be at his Disposal whether for Death or Life So it pleased the Lord after a long and tedious Sickness to raise me up from the very Gates of Death This was looked upon as almost a Resurrection from the Dead for which great Deliverance I can never be sufficiently thankful And because I so much desired to die I did not prize my Life and this Deliverance as I should have done Neither did I render to the Lord according to the Mercy I received from him I desire now to be truly thankful to the Lord for all his Mercies and to shew forth my Thankfulness by walking more closely with him all the Days of my Life The following encouraging Considerations among others were collected by him out of several Books and Sermons and are printed from his own Papers in hope of being useful for the Support of others I. THOU that complainest of a hard Heart and fain wouldst mourn for thy Sins to thee I say be not discouraged thy Hardness feared and felt is not the Plague of Hardness It is the Disease indeed of the Heart but it is not the Curse it shall not destroy thee Thou may'st be comforted under Hardness felt and bewailed and pray'd against true Tenderness about Sin is always accompanied with dislike and hatred against Sin and with watching and striving against it if thou hast so much Tenderness bless God and be thankful II. There is no Instance can be given of a Soul utterly for saken of God that can mourn for the want of his Presence If God's Love be precious to thee and most desirable be
Righteousness is more satisfactory and pleasing unto God than all the Sinners Wickedness is injurious and displeasing to him O this is a very sweet and comfortable Consideration indeed There is no such Evil in Sin to damn thee as there is Merit in Christ's Blood to save thee IX To despair of Mercy is a greater Sin than all thy other Sins This makes thee like the Devil himself It is the Glory of Divine Grace to triumph over all the Sinner's Unworthiness Resolve therefore I will yet follow God tho' I have offended him come on me what will I know he is God and not Man who can help nay will help if I come unto him Isa 57. 16. I will not contend for ever nor be always wroth for the Spirit would fail before me and the Souls that I have made Isa 41. 17. When the poor and needy seek water and there is none and their tongue faileth for thirst I the Lord will hear them I the God of Israel will not forsake them When it comes to failing fainting sinking dying then comes help Be much in Prayer and hold on waiting God may make you seek and wait a long time aye but he will certainly come and that will make amends for all X. How shall one be willing to die that hath not a sense of God's Love I answer when we can see our Love to God tho' we cannot see God's Love to us What are the Actings of our Soul towards God when we can see no Love in his Dispensations towards us As that good Man under great Afflictions and Dissatisfaction about the Love of God at last breaks out If I did not love God why do I follow him and mourn after him If thou lovest God here is ground of Comfort thou couldst not love God if he did not first love thee It was a memorable Answer of Mr. Dod to a godly Minister that said to him a little before his Death What will you say to me who am going out of the World and can find no Comfort He replied What will you say to our Saviour that was going out of the World and found no Comfort but he cried out My God my God still This Speech much refreshed that godly Minister Others of God's Children have wanted sensible Comfort at their Death yet they have been able to act Faith and to say My God my God still Tho' God's sensible Presence is not still the same yet his Word and Promise is he speaks as comfortably in his Word as ever he cannot deny his own Word God sometimes withdraws Comfort that we may prize his Word more and depend more upon that You please and honour God most when you can venture your Souls on his bare Word and Promise A Faith of Recumbency on Christ in the want of Comfort doth more honour God than the highest Faith of Assurance Why should Death be a Terror to them that fear God none need to fear Death that are escaped from the Dominion of Sin and the Devil Can you say you do not love Christ and that you do love Sin then there is cause enough for fear but this were to bely the blessed Spirit The godly hath hope in his Death A hope of Life even at the Point of Death A godly Man's hope can never fail him he may want sensible Comfort but he doth hope still Death 't is a going to God and shall a godly Man be afraid of going to his God Again it is a Sleep a Rest are weary Men afraid of rheir Rest and of going to sleep If Death be an Enemy 't is a slain Enemy Christ hath been the Death of Death And why should that have Terror in it that hath no Life in it A godly Man is a real Gainer by Death He gains more by his Death than ever he got all his Life long viz. Happiness and Joy that shall never end Again tho' Death separates Relations here yet Death can never separate the godly Man's Soul and Body from Christ Both still continue united unto Christ They sleep in Jesus God is still their God and therefore let not the Saints of God be afraid of Death XI Psal 147. 11. The Lord taketh pleasure in them that fear him in them that hope in his mercy Then our Prayers please God when they are put up to him in Faith and hope of his Mercy Poor trembling Souls that meditute nothing but Terror little think how it would please God to see them to hope in his Mercy They are conscious to themselves how they have displeased God but hope in God's Mercy and he will take pleasure in thee They bring most Honour to God that are most admiring and magnifying of his Mercy His Heart is most set on Mercy in all the Manifestations of it Therefore let poor drooping Souls still maintain hope in the Mercy of God through Christ XII This is certain in every afflictive Providence to Believers there is more Mercy than Wrath nay 't is all Mercy in the Issue and not in revengeful Wrath but paternal Anger They have Supports under all sometimes they may be under desertion and no comforts of God come into their Souls they are ready to say Lord why casteth thou off my Soul But then they have this to support them they can love God and mourn after his Favour tho' he seems to be gone from them they can look after him and long for his Return and this is such an effect of Grace that is more worth than the whole World Sustentation saith Mr. Baines I thank God I have tho' Suavities I have none Sickness and Sorrow and Death that are the Fruits of Sin none can be exempted from but Grace doth this for Believers The Curse the Hurt the Venom of all is taken away they are Gainers by all 2 Cor. 4. 16. Tho' our outward man c. All works for their good Others have Comforts with a Curse but Believers have Crosses with a Blessing The Guilt of Sin the Grace of God in Christ doth quite take away from all Believers Heb. 8. 12. Pardoning Mercy clears the Soul of Guilt What Comfort is this to such that by the Grace of Justification through Christ they are in God's account righteous And upon the account of Christ their Righteousness they may come into God's Presence with as assured Welcome as Adam in Paradise or the Angels now in Heaven This thou may'st be assured of that Christ will not break the bruised Reed nor quench the smoaking Flax. Tho' thy Faith be so small that it yields not Light to others nor Heat to thy own Heart yet Christ discerns and accepts it But can a Man have the Exercise of Grace and not know it fear God and not discern it I answer Yes some Graces may then be acted and discerned by others as well as at any other time He may fear God as truly and as much as ever and yet his Grace may not have Light to discover it self to him It may have a Being and working in the Heart when it 's not clear in thy Apprehension XIII Hearken unto the Voice of God O poor doubting disconsolate Sinner Why dost thou pass Sentence against thy self Thou say'st O my Sins are very many Well but the Mercies of God are far more O but my Sins are very great True but the Meroies of God are far greater O but my Sins are of long continuance True but yet thy Sins are but Sins of Time his Mercies are the Mercies of Eternity O but my Sins are greater than you are aware of they are Crimson Scarlet Sins How great are they Are they as great as the Sins of Manasseh that was a Wizard that filled Jerusalem with Blood yet God pardoned him Are they greater than the Sins of Mary Magdalen out of whom were cast seven Devils and yet God had Mercy for her O but I fear the Stock of Mercy is quite spent No his Mercy endures for ever it is from everlasting to everlasting But I have exceedingly abused Mercy yet remember that tho thou hast sinn'd against his Mercy yet thou hast not sinned above his Mercy Isa 55. 8. My thoughts are not as your thoughts nor my ways as your ways as the heavens are above the earth so are my thoughts above your thoughts and my ways above your ways FINIS * My Honoured Friend Mr. Joshua Gearing Sen.