therefore the grievousnesse of thy sin if anie such be amaze thee You say right replyed he the divell hath possest mee and God hath left me to his power for I finde I can neither beleeve the Gospel nor trust in Gods mercie I have sinned against the holy Ghost and God by his immutable Decree hath bound mee over to perpetuall punishment without anie hope of pardon It is true that the greatnesse of sin or the multitude of them cannot bind Gods mercie all those manie sins that in the former part of my life I have committed then did not so much trouble mee for I trusted that God would not lay them to my charge but now having sinned against the holy Ghost God hath taken away from me all power of repentance now brings all my sins to remembrance and thus guiltie of one guiltie of all And therefore it is no matter whether my sinnes be great or small few or many they are such as Christ's bloud nor Gods mercie belongs to mee God will have mercie on whom hee will have mercie and whom he will he hardneth this is it that gnaws my heart hee hath hardned mee and I finde that he daily more and more doth harden mee and therefore I am out of hope I feele it and therefore cannot but despaire I tell you there was never such a monster as I am never was man alive a spectacle of so exceeding misery I knew that justification is to be expected by Christ and I denied and abjured it to the end I might keepe this fraile life from adversitie and my children from povertie and now behold how bitter this life is to mee and God only knowes what shall become of this my family but surely no good is likely to betide it but rather daily worse and worse and such a ruin at the length as that one stone shall not be left on another But why should you said Gribauldus conceit so deepely of your sinne seeing you cannot but know that manie have denied Christ yet never fell into despaire Well said hee I can see no ground of comfort for such neither can I warrant them from Gods revēging hand in wrath though it pleaseth God yet to suffer such to bee in peace and besides there will a time of change come and then they shall be throughly tryed and if it were not so yet God is just in making mee an Example to others and I cannot justly complain there is no punishment so great but I have deserved it for this so heinous offence I assure you it is no small matter to denie Christ and yet it is more ordinary then commonly men doe conceive of it is not a deniall made before a Magistrate as it is with mee for as often as a Christian doth dissemble the knowne truth as often as hee approves of false worship by presenting himselfe at it so often as hee doth not things worthy of his calling or such things as are unworthy of his calling so often hee denies Christ thus did I and therefore am justly punished for it Your estate quoth Gribauldus is not so strange as you make it Iob was so farre gone that hee complained God had set him as a marke against him and David that was a man after Gods owne heart complained often that God had forsaken him and was become his enemy yet both received comfort againe comfort your selfe therefore God will come at length though hee now seeme farre off O Brother answered Spira I beleeve all this the divels beleeve and tremble but David was ever elected and dearely beloved of God and though he fell yet God tooke not utterly away his holy Spirit and therefore was heard when he prayed Lord take not thy holy Spirit from mee but I am in another case being ever accursed from the presence of God neither can I pray as he did because his holy Spirit is quite gone and cannot be recalled therefore I know I shall live in continuall hardnesse so long as I live O that I might feele but the least sense of the love of God to mee though but for one small moment as I now feele his heavie wrath that burnes like the torments of hell within mee and afflicts my Conscience with pangs unutterable verily desperation is hell it selfe Heere Gribauldus said I doe verily beleeve Spira that God having so severely chastised you in this life correcteth you in mercie heere that he may spare you hereafter and that he hath mercies sealed up for you in time to to come Nay said Spira hence doe I know that I am a reprobate because he afflicteth mee with hardnesse of heart Oh that my body had suffered all my life long so that hee would bee pleased to release my soule and ease my Conscience this burthened Conscience Gribauldus being desirous to ease his minde from the continuall meditation of his sinne as also to sound how for the present he stood affected to the Romish Church asked him what hee thought became of the soules of men so soone as they departed out of the bodie to which hee answered Although this bee not so fully revealed in Scripture yet I verily beleeve that the soules of the Elect goe presently to the Kingdome of glory and not that sleep with the bodie as some doe imagine Verie well said one of the spectators why doe the Scriptures then say that God brings downe to hell and raiseth up seeing it cannot be meant of the estate of the soule after death which as thou sayest either goeth to heaven without change or to hell without redemption it must be understood of the estate of the soule in this life like that wherein thou art at this present and oftentimes wee see that God suffers men to fall into the jawes of despaire and yet raiseth them up again and therefore despaire not but hope it shall bee even thus with thee in his good time This is the worke quoth Spira this the labour for I tell you when I at Venice did first abjure my profession and so as it were drew an Indenture the Spirit of God often admonisht mee and when at Cittadella I did as it were set to my seale the Spirit of God often suggested to mee Doe not write Spira do not seale yet I resisted the Holy Ghost and did both and at that very present I did evidently feele a wound inflicted in my very will so although I can say I would beleeve yet can I not say I will beleeve God hath denied mee the power of will and it befalls mee in this my miserable estate as with one that is fast in irons and his friends comming to see him doe pitie his estate and doe perswade him to shake off his setters and to come out of his bonds which God knows hee would faine doe but cannot this is my very case you perswade me to beleeve how faine would I doe it but cannot O now I cannot Then violently grasping his hands together and raising
gift of God O that hee would give it mee but it is as impossible as to drinke up the Sea at a draught as for that of Solomon if hee had ever tried that which I feele by woefull experience hee would never have spoken as he did but the truth is never had mortall man such an evident experience of Gods anger and hatred against him as I have you that are in a good estate thinke repentance and faith to be workes of great facilitie and therefore you thinke it an easie matter to perswade a man to beleeve the whole need not the Physician and hee that is well can soone give counsell to such as are ill but this is the hell to mee my heart is hardned I cannot beleeve many are called but few are chosen Vpon what grounds said they doe you conceive so ill an opinion of your selfe I once did know God to bee my Father not onely by creation but by regeneration I knew him by his beloved Sonne the authour and finisher of our Salvation I could pray to him and hope for pardon of sinnes from him I had a taste of his sweetnesse peace and comfort now contrarily I know God not as a Father but as an enemy what more my heart hates God and seekes to get above him I have nothing else to flie to but terrour despaire Belike you thinke then said they that those who have the earnest and first fruits of Gods Spirit may notwithstanding fall away The judgements of God are a deepe abisse said he wee are soone drowned if we enter into them he that thinks he standeth let him take heed lest hee fall as for my selfe I know I am falne backe and that I once did know the truth though it may be not so throughly I know not what else to say but that I am one of that number which God hath threatned to teare in pieces Say not so answered they for God may come though at the last houre keepe hold therefore at the least by hope This quoth he is my case I tell you I cannot God hath deprived mee of hope this brings terror to my minde and pines this hodie which now is so weake as it cannot performe the severall offices thereof for as the Elect have the Spirit testifying that they are the sonnes of God so the Reprobates even while they live do often feele a worme in their conscience whereby they are condemned already and therefore as soone as I perceived this wound inflicted on my minde and will I I knew that I wanted the gifts of saving grace and that I was utterly undone God chasteneth his children with temporarie afflictions that they may come as gold out of the fire but pupunisheth the wicked with blindnesse in their understandings hardnesse of heart and woe be to such from whom God takes his holie Spirit Here one rebuked him and told him he gave too much credit to sence that hee was not to beleeve himselfe but rather him that was in a good estate and I testifie to you said he that God will be mercifull to you Nay answered he for because I am in this ill estate therfore can I beleeve nothing but what is contrarie to my salvation and comfort but you that are so confident of your good state looke that it bee true for it is no such small matter to be assured of sinceritie a man had need bee exceeding stronglie grounded in the Truth before hee can bee able to affirme such a matter as you now doe it is not the performance of a few outward duties but a mightie constant labour with all intention of heart and affection with full desire and endeavour continually to set forth Gods glorie there must bee neither feare of Legates Inquisitors Prisons nor anie death whatsoever manie thinke themselves happie that are not it is not every one that saith Lord Lord that shall goe to heaven They came another day and found him with his eyes shut as if hee had beene drowzie and verie loath to discourse at which time there came in also a grave man from Cittadella who demanded of Spira if hee knew him or not he lifting up his eye-lids and not suddenly remembring him the man said to him I am Presbiter Antonie Fontanina I was with you at Venice some 8. weeks since O cursed day sayd Spira O cursed day O that I had never gone thither would God I had then died Afterwards came in a Priest called Bernardinus Sardoneus bringing with him a booke of Exorcismes to conjure this divell whom when Spira saw shaking his head he said I am verily perswaded indeed that God hath left mee to the power of the divells but such they are as are not to be found in your Letanie neither will they be cast out by spels The Priest proceeding in his intended purpose with a strange uncouth gesture and a loud voice adjured the Spirit to come into Spira's tongue and to answer Spira deriding his fruitlesse labour with a sigh turned from him A Bishop being there present said to Spira brother God hath put vertue into the Word and Sacraments and wee have used the one means and find not that effect which we desire shall we trie the efficacie of the Sacraments surely if you take it as a true Christian ought to receive the body and bloud of Christ it will proove a soveraigne medicine for your sicke soule This I cannot do answered hee for they that have no right to the promises have no right to the seales the Eucharist was appointed onely for beleevers if wee have not faith we eate and drinke judgement to our selves I received it about a moneth since but I did not well in so doing for I tooke it by constraint and so I tooke it to my deeper condemnation Here Vergerius began to importune him earnestly to beware that he did not wilfully resist grace put himself out of haven charging him vehemently by all the love that was betweene them by the love which hee bare to his children yea to his owne soule that he would set himselfe seriously to returne to that faith and hope which once hee had in the death of Christ with many such like words Spira having heard much of the like matter formerlie being somewhat moved said You do but repeat Vergerius what should I hope why should I beleeve God hath taken faith from mee shew mee then whither I shall goe shew mee a haven whereto I shall retire you tell mee of Gods mercy when as God hath cast mee off you tell mee of Christs intercession I have denied him you command mee to beleeve I say I cannot you bring mee no comfort your command is as impossible for me to obey as to keep the Morall Law if you should perswade one to love God with all his heart soule and strength and God gives him not the power can he performe your desire doth not the church teach us to sing direct us O
the strength of his experience and judgment in a burning heat calling excessively for drinke yet his understanding active quicke of apprehension wittie in discourse above his ordinary manner and judiciously opposite his friends laboured him by all faire meanes to receive some nourishment which he obstinately gaine-saying they forcibly infused some liquid sustenance into his mouth most of which he spit out againe exceedingly chafing and in this fretting mood of his said As it is true that all things worke for the best to those that love God so to the wicked all are contrary for whereas a plentifull off-spring is the blessing of God and his reward being a stay to the weak estate of their aged parents to me they are a cause of bitternesse and vexation they doe strive to make mee tire out this misery I would faine be at an end I deserve not this dealing at their hands O that I were gone from hence that some body would let out this weary Soule His friends saluted him and asked him what hee conceived to be the cause of his disease forthwith he brake out into a lamentable discourse of the passages formerly related that with such passionate Elocution that hee caused many to weep most to tremble They contrarily to comfort him propounded many of Gods promises recorded in the Scripture and many examples of Gods mercy My sinne said he is greater then the mercy of God Nay answered they the mercy of God is above all sin God would have all men to be saved It is true quoth he hee would have all that he hath elected â—bee sâ—aved he would not have damned reprobates to be saved I am one of that number I know it for I willingly and against my knowledge denied Christ and I feele that hee hardens and will not suffer me to hope After some silence one asked him whether hee did not beleeve that Doctrine to bee true for which hee was accused before the Legate hee answered I did beleeve it when I denied it but now I neither beleeve that nor the Doctrine of the Romane Church I beleeve nothing I have no faith no trust no hope I am a Reprobate like Cain or Iudas who casting away all hope of mercy fell into despaire and my friends doe mee great wrong that they suffer me not to goe to the place of unbeleevers as I justly deserve Heere they beganne sharpely to rebuke him requiring and charging him that in any wise hee did not violate the mercy of God to which he answered The mercy of God is exceeding large and extends to all the elect but not to mee or any like to mee who are sealed up to wrath I tell you I deserve it my owne conscience condemnes me what needeth any other Iudge Christ came said they to take away sinne and calling for a book they read unto him the passion of Christ and comming to his nayling to the Crosse Spira said This indeed is comfortable to such as are elected but as for me wretch they are nothing but griefe and torment because I contemned them Thus roaring for griefe tossing himself up downe upon the bed as he lay he intreated them to read no more As Gribauldus was comming to see him Vergerius said to Spira deare Sir heere is Doctor Gribauldus a godly and faithfull friend of yours come to see you He is welcome said he but hee shall find mee ill Gribauldus replyed Sir this is but an illusion of the divell who doth what he can to vexe you but turne you to God with your whole heart and he is ready to shew you mercy the earth you know is full of his mercy it is He that hath said that as often as a sinner repents of his sinne hee will remember his sinnes no more Consider this in the example of Peter that was Christs familiar and an Apostle and yet denied him thrice with an oath and yet God was mercifull unto him consider the theefe that spent his whole life in wickednesse and for all that did not God graciously respect him in the last minute of his life Is the Lords hand now shortned that it cannot save to this Spira answered If Peter grieved and repented it was because Christ beheld him with a mercifull eye and in that he was pardoned it was not because hee wept but because God was gracious to him but God respects not me and therefore I am a reprobate I feel no comfort can enter into my heart there is no place there but onely for torments and vexings of spirit I tell you my case is properly mine own no man ever was in the like plight and therefore my estate is fearefull Then roaring out in the bitternesse of his spirit said It is a fearefull thing to fall into the hands of the living God the violence of his passion and action sutable did amaze many of the beholders insomuch as some of them said with a whispering voyce that he was possessed hee over-hearing it said Doe you doubt it I have a whole Legion of divels that take up their dwellings within mee and possesse me as their owne and justly too for I have denyed Christ Whether did you that willingly or not said they That is nothing to the purpose said Spira Christ saith whosoever denies mee before men him will I deny before my Father which is in Heaven Christ will not bee denied no not in word and therefore it is enough though in heart I never denied him They observing his distemper to arise from the sense and horror of the paines of hell asked him whether he thought there were worse paines then what he endured for the present he said that he knew there were far worse paines then those that hee then suffered for the wicked shall rise to their judgement but they shall not stand in Iudgement this I tremble to thinke of yet doe I desire nothing more then that I might come to that place where I may bee sure to feele the worst and to be freed from feare of worse to come I but you are to consider said one that those opinions for which you were accused before the Legate were impious and therefore you are not to thinke you denied Christ but rather that you confessed him acknowledging the infallible truth of the Catholike Church Truly said he when I did denie those opinions I did think them to be true yet I did deny them Goe to said others now then beleeve that they are not Now I cannot said hee God will not suffer mee to beleeve them nor trust in his mercy What would you have mee doe I would faine attaine to this power but cannot though I should presently be burnt for it But why doe you said the other esteeme this so grievous a sinne when as the learned Legate constrained you to it which hee surely would not have done if your former opinions had not beene Erroneous no good Francis the divell besets thee let not