would save or damn me at last I knew not neither did I think it possible for me ever to have known that except it were by some extraordinary way which very few did attain unto But by degrees I began to stay upon some promises through such considerations as these first I thought it could not stand with the goodness of God to damn a poor soul that had such heart-workings and desires after him as I had having much in my thoughts those words of Sampsons Mother Judges 13. 23. I thought that if he did intend to destroy me he would never have given me such desires after him preserved me till now and then that promise Mat. 5. 6. did much support me for I thought that if ever poor creature did hunger and thirst after righteousness I did these promises and considerations with some confused apprehensions that I had concerning the Lord Jesus did much raise me the thoughts I had of him were such as these I did believe that the Justice of God must be satisfied for sin and that nothing could satisfy his justice but a perfect righteousnesse now I thought I was to be very strict and circumspect in all my waies if it were possible to perform such a righteousnesse but what I could not do Christ had done for me and when I had done any thing that I thought was sin I could not apply Christ till I had repented that was till I had mourned fasted and prayed afflicting my self in such a measure as I thought might stand with the not destroying or prejudicing nature for there God would have mercy rather than sacrifice and Jesus Christ would make up that which was wanting so that Christ was my stay though it was through a very carnal and wrong apprehension But though I thought I must be so qualified and fitted for Christ before I could receive him and be made happy by him yet I knew there was no mercy to be found without him nor no life but in him In this conditiō I lived some years more and grew very cheerful confident as I think it was possible to be under such an apprehension but yet my confidence was alwaies more or lesse as I was more or less strict in my waies and sometimes though I had been never so strict yet I was subject to fear left I had not done as much as it was possible for me to do for otherwaies I thought Christ would be nothing at all to me yet my hopes were greater than my fears and I was resolved if I perished I would perish here at the feet of Christ and now I did not only see that possible which before I thought impossible but I had great hopes and much confidence most times This apprehension though it be that which is far below the glory of the free grace of God in the Gospel yet it did present Christ very lovely to me and did produce in me a real love to him as I dare not but so judge considering how I stood affected to and delighted in whatever I knew to be his will Though I must confess I think at the first the great wheel that carryed all about was my own good yet I am very confident that at this time I had a real love to delight in the Lord Jesus Christ and his commandements were not grievous to me but I did approve of them to be the most excellent things because approved of by the Lord and I well remember I was so far taken off from delighting in sin that I think I may say I did hate it with a perfect hatred as that which was in it self the only object of hatred as it was against God and all my delight was to be with those that I thought did excell in vertue and I could not bear wicked persons but their waies and practices were odious to me yet still I say my condition at this time was a condition of extreme bondage and below the Gospel I shall say no more of it but only this that what I have here written I think I may say is not the hundredth part of the labors and travells of my soul whiles I lived in that condition and if I should go about to write it all I know not how nor when to make an end But God was pleased in mercy to free me from that bondage by the manifestation of his love and grace through his Son to whom be all praise and glory for ever more Amen Some brief Observations from this second note of Experience FIrst Concerning the person by whom my experience in these things began which was one as I iudge not rightly called or sent to preach the Gospel he not being related to a true Church though otherwise I hope a godly man according to that measure of light he had received From whence I observe That it is possible for a godly man in times of ignorance and darkness to be a Minister of a false Church Secondly I observe That though it be not the work of a false Ministery neither is it the way of God to convert souls by yet accidentally or providentially somthing may be done that way by them especially in times of persecution where there is not a true Ministry abroad as indeed I am much inclined to own the work of conversion to be begun in me at this time and that for these reasons First because now was the day of Gods power no◠only to make me willing but there was some change wrought in the whole soul and every faculty of it which before was dead had now some life and motion in things relating to God and godliness as the understanding was opened so the will was changed and made willing to submit to truth and to imbrace the waies of life though it were through the greatest difficulty yet in much darkness and then the affections were taken and though there were but a little glimps of truth appeared yet there was a love to it and delight in it and a great hatred of the contrary all which I apprehend could not be but from some seeds of the Gospel though through false teaching there was not that blessed fruit of ioy and peace in believing also the Memory was active and busie to retain truth so that here was some change wrought in the whole soul as aforesaid A second reason is because when I lay under conviction of sin by the Law and was ready to sink under my burthen that which did suport and uphold my spirit was the Lord Jesus Christ though my apprehensions of him were not according to the Gospel as to the glory of the free grace therein contained A third reason is from the consideration of that fruit which did appear at that time which was an intire love to Christ and a conversation suitable thereunto according to the light then received For there was not only a doing good but a love to it and delight in it and there was not only a forbearing evil
CHOICE EXPERIENCES OF The kind dealings of God before in and after CONVERSION Laid down in six general Heads Together with Some brief Observations upon the same Whereunto is added a description of true E X P E R I E N C E. By J. TURNER wife to Cap. John Turner PSALM 66. 16. Come and hear all ye that fear God and I will declare what he hath done for my soul LONDON Printed by H. Hils and are to be sold at the Black spread-Eagle and the Three Bibles at the West end of Pauls 1653. To the Churches of Christ who worship God in spirit and truth according to the holy Commandments of Jesus Christ especially those my dear Brethren at Newcastle Barwick and Scotland with whom I have taken sweet counsel in the house of God for several years past grace mercy truth and peace be multiplied from the Lord Jesus Christ. PRECIOUS and dearly beloved Brethren I know it would seem very strange to you if this following Treatise should come to your hands without my publick owning of it as indeed well it might considering my neer relation to the Author it is no small joy to my heart that the Lord is pleased in these our daies any way by any means to put his People in mind of that which they are so prone to forget namely the various workings of God in their poor hearts which you will find in this small Treatise in these three generall heads viz. before in and since Conversion we find the Lord in Scripture often calling upon his People to remember their unconverted state Isaiah 51. 1. Look unto the Rock whence ye are hewen and to the holy of the Pit whence ye are digged And the Lord knowing our great inclination to forget it he is pleased to mind us of it as in Eph. 5. 8. 1 Cor. 6. 10 11. Tit. 3. 3. Eph. 2. 1 2 3. c. The right remembrance of our unconverted state will be a means to engage our hearts to be much in the thoughts of and highly to prise that unspeakable love and grace of our God through Iesus in quickning us who were dead in trespasses and sins in translating us from the Kingdome of darkness into the Kingdome of his dear Son the serious pondering of these things in our hearts will sweetly force us to break forth into admiration with the Apostle 1 Ioh. 3. 1 2. Behold what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us that we should be call'd the sons of God c. but when we forget the two former we lose our communion with God in a great measure and cannot prise and improve the kind dealings of our God with us since Conversion neither walk holily and obediently before the Lord in all his holy appointments as we ought but leave an open door for Satan to deceive us with his manifold tentations by which we suffer much harm My hearts desire and prayer to the Lord is that he would give all his people more care and diligence in watching their own hearts and waies for the increase of their spiritual strength and growth in grace lest they being led away for a time with the error of the wicked fall from their own stedfastness 2 Pet. 3. 17 18. as many have done to their greatest grief and loss Beloved Brethren you have here the labours of one of the weakest sex which I trust will occasion you the more to give glory to God in that his strength appears in weakness were it not for the relation I should have much room to speak of the Author and this Her work but I shall only say Let Her works praise Her only I have this that I cannot but say it was not Her desire to publish it Her reasons She hath expressed Secondly So far as one can speak for another I can say for my Wife in this vvork she hath had little help from men or things but I believe much from the Lord and as the Lord hath ovvned and much assisted her in these her great labors I trust the same povver vvill accompany each precious heart into vvhose hand it may come to make it very profitable to them At my first sight of it which was when it was neer finished though I believe I was the first that saw it next Her self I was so surprized knowing nothing of it before that I knew not what to say of it but upon consideration and reviewing of it I was very much pressed in spirit to publish it and the more in that the oftner I read it the more I was ingaged to it I can say through mercy it hath been usefull and profitable to me I hope it will be so to many more It is no small mercy nor low attainment to be indeed an experienced Christian it is easier to have fine words than a treasure in the heart but seeing the kings daughter is all glorious within and that our treasure there doth increase by the blessing of the Lord upon our diligent using that means ordained for that end this I trust will be a faithfull remembrancer and helper of us in this great work in which I hope the Lord will have much glory and his people comfort which hath been is and I trust ever shall be the earnest desire of Your poor unworthy Brother in the Gospel JOHN TURNER To the Reader Reader THou wilt find in this little Book something suitable to those various changes and differing conditions that ordinarily poor souls are in both before in and after conversion only excepting a high degree of visible profaness and excess of riot with heart hand and tongue blaspheming the holy One of Israel in an unconverted State The Author was kept from that great degree of wickedness as you will find in the beginning of Her book If this shall come into the hāds of any that yet live in those pollutions and abominable corruptions the Lord teach them to consider that if Civility and Morality be too low and too little to stand the Soul in any stead in that day when God will judge the secrets of all men by Jesus Christ Surely then sin and profaness will be a miserable covering This little Treatise is not intended principally for such Ishmaelites but rather for those who have their faces Zion ward enquiring the way thither as also to such as have a name and place where the honor of God dwells to all such I may say as an incouragement to peruse this little Treatise First as to the nature of it its that which hath been digested and it may well be called Experience it may be likned to the Wine that Christ made of water at the end of the Mariage-Feast being last it was better than the first though doubtles the first wine was good So I hope thou wilt find these few lines though good at the first yet better at the latter end it being the privilege of Saints to have their last works best and as they grow in years to grow
but a hatred and indignation against it It being thus with me at this time I cannot but much tender persons in the like condition who do manifest by a good conversation a reall work of God upon their hearts though living in a discovery below the privileges of the Gospel yet not so to tender them as not to tender the glory of truth above them being true to my principles in keeping a strict separation from them in relation to their visible and publick worship it being contrary to the rule of the Gospel Three Observations from the three foregoing reasons First concerning the Change wrought in the whole soul from thence I observe That there may be a Change wrought in the whole soul to life and godliness long before that soul comes to enjoy life by believing Secondly concerning my being staid upon Christ when I was like to sink upder my burthen from thence I observe That a soul may cleave to and really stay upon Christ through some apprehension which presents him lovely though it may be that which doth not present him so lovely as indeed he is Thirdly concerning that entire love I had to Christ and his waies from thence I observe That though the love of Christ manifested to a soul be that which ordinarily begets love in the soul to Christ yet its possible there may be a real love to him before there is such a manifestation Now having minded many particulars as to my condition at that time when I did experience these things I cannot altogether omit the kindness of God towards me in relation to persecutions which though it were but small comparatively with some others yet it was more than some met with and it was that indeed which did require some strength from the Lord to undergo it with comfort in which he not being wanting to me I Judge it ought not to be forgotten by me and as I had comfort in it at that time present so I am still well satisfyed that I suffered not as an evill doer because what I did then was upon a conscientious account according to that light received I could mention many particulars but I forbear heartily desiring that it may never be laid to their charge But this book being intended by me as a remembrancer of the former dealings of God towards me I think it not altogether useles as to remember the time I was in that condition the manner how I was brought from it so also the time when J was brought from it and that was after the Bishops were quite taken away in the beginning of the sitting of the late Synod And here I desire to remember with thankfulness to God that I was not insnared by the change of times and laws For at that very time when the Presbyterian party so called began to reign and J might have reignd with them and enioyed smiles from them being convicted of a further discovery of truth J left them and was content to become a scorn and a by-word amongst them Though J must confess J had much respect from some of them all along yet my sufferings from that party were far more than the former J could here mention many particulars but J forbear desiring as for the former it may not be charged upon them only these general hints I hope will be sufficient to bring particulars to my remembrance for these things ought not to be forgotten by me because in the remembrance of them I find my heart much engaged in praises to God and that several waies one way and that not the least is that God hath broken their power For indeed I must needs say that according to my observation and experience I have seen as persecuting a spirit in them as ever I did in the former and they did appear as bitter if not more against such as were called Anabaptists than ever the Bishops did against those that were called Puritans considering their time and power For as their time was short so when their power was highest there was alwaies a party which did a little aw them I shall say no more of these things but that as I desire for ever to blesse the Lord in the remembrance of them so I do likewise desire that God would destroy or at least keep under every persecuting spirit under what name or title soever called till he is pleased to give them repentance The third Note of Experience How I was brought to apprehend and believe the free Grace of God in the Gospell and in believing to receive the assurance of the love of God IN order to this experience I cannot omit to write something concerning the reading of a book by which as a means in the hand of God I received these never to be forgotten mercies After I had livd about five or six years a strict professor being very confident and settled upon the Lees of Legal Righteousness it pleased the Lord there came a man to the Town where I lived whom though he was generally reputed to be an honest man yet he was much opposed as holding grosse errors in his Judgement and hearing many speak very bitterly against him I did much ponder it in my heart not daâ—ing as Nicodemus spake concerning Christ John 7. 50. to judge before I heard and therefore I resolved to speak with him which accordingly I did and found him speaking such things as I never heard before which I then ignorantly judged to be errors the things he chiefly spake of was about Free Grace the nature of the Gospel and the New Covenant and though I was not able to gain say the truth of what he spake yet for fear of those evill consequences that a carnal heart might draw from them I could not receive it But after some discourse in much opposition yet not bitter against him in the close he desired to lend me a book in which he said concerning the things he spake I might find better satisfaction than he could give being but weak in expression so I took it home with me but being much afraid of error I was at a great dispute in my own spirit whether I should read it or not but fearing lest I should seem to shut my eyes against the light at last I came to this result that I would read it but first set a part a day by fasting and prayer to seek the Lord that what was truth in it I might embrace and that he would keep and preserve me from error which accordingly I did and finding the drist and scope of the book was to exalt God and lay low the Creature I was much affected with it as also with some other particulars but on the other hand these Ministers whose words were then as Oracles to me did so much cry out against it charging all to take heed of it it being full of errors of dangerous consequences that when I came about the middle of it I was so surprised with fear of carnal liberty
dayly supplies and in the dayly exercise of what we have to give us more yet all of grace freely and so grace for grace as appears in the 1. of John 6. yet notwithstanding all that I have written I judge that its possible some Saints may be very diligent in the use of all means for the subduing of some particular corruptions and for the supply of some particular grace and yet not attain it but God is pleased to withhold it from them and lest they should be to much exalted to leave some corruption for them to strive and struggle with it may be as long as they live which for ought I know was Pauls very case 2 Cor. 12. 8. and the Lord may exercise one grace in us by the want of another yea all by the want of one not that Saints are without all in their nature but as to a greater measure in some particulars and so far as I have experienced this though I am still subject to suspect my own diligence in the use of means I can truly say That God is never wanting in such cases with supports from himself saying my grace is sufficient for thee my power is made manifest in weakness 2 Cor. 12. 9. and though sin be in you it shall shall not reign there neither shall it have dominion over you because yea are not under the law but under Grace Rom. 6. 11 12 1â— I shall say no more now of these things but beg of God that my self with all Saints may press more after them The Conclusion HAving thus far writtenof my Experience in several general heads which do include many particular Experiments I had some thoughts to have written of many other things but my Book being almost full I shall conclude with a few lines as to Experience it self what it is how and by what means it is attained There be various things about which persons may be exercised in way of Experience yet all may be divided under one of these two heads it s either in relation to the world or in relation to God as to that of the World it s all but vanity and vexation of spirit Eccl. 1. 14. and he that uncreaseth knowledge in those things increaseth sorrow verse 18. and though there may be something of that nature convenient for Saints to know upon a natural or civil account it s but perishing at best and therefore too low for them to spend much of their precious time and thoughts about It s their privilege to have inlarged experience in the great things of God things that are lasting and durable to eternity and as godly persons may have experience in some things of the world so carnal persons may have experience of the dealings of God in some things as to many outward blessings and deliverances by a common hand of providence in which they do many times so bless themselves as if they were highly in favour with God when the Lord knows it is no such thing but it may be they have their portion in this life and are delivered from a lesser to be reserved to a greater destruction But as to Experience from a truesanctified knowledge or special work of the Spirit of God they are altogether strangers to it 1 Cor. 2. 14. its only the privilege of Saints to be eminent in that and indeed it s a privilege so great that I desire for ever to bless the Lord that he hath made me who am so unworthy in any measure to partake of it for things meerly historical or traditional will vanish and come to nothing and so far as we partake of truth not onely in its principles as to the understanding of it from Scripture rule but also in its experience as to the effects and operations of it in our hearts so far it will stand us instead and so far do we attain true wisdome and no farther and indeed as to the effects and operations of it in the heart it is the very life of Christianity yet as to rule for the receiving of any principle one word of Scripture is more worth than all our experience and as to the avoiding of evil its better to learn that any way than by the experience of it for so it s the school of fools yet wise men have so learned in some things now according to my understanding experience is more than a bare knowledge it is either a begetter or an effect of knowledge and hath alwaies relation to some rule whether it be in natural or spiritual things if in natural things it must answer a rule of nature if in spiritual it must answer a spiritual rule and the holy Scripture is that rule by which all Christian experience must be tried according to the Lords own appointment Esa 8. 20. and all must answer some rule therein exprest or implyed by rule in this sense I mean the Scriptures declaring the same thing and as it must answer a rule in it self so answerable to that knowledge and understanding which persons have in the rule so is the measure of their experience For though some persons have much knowledge as to principles and but little experience yet none can have experience of that they do not understand either in a principle before they had that experience or else they have learned that principle by experience for as I said before all experience is either an effect of knowledge or by it we learn knowledge otherwise it cannot be experience this I mind the rather because some persons do please themselves with a conceited experience though ignorant in the principles of truth when there cannot be such a thing I must confess I have been grieved to hear such persons speak of their experience when it doth appear to me as it is said of some that would be Preachers of the Law 1 Tim. 1. 7. they know not what they say nor whereof they affirm and these are two sorts of persons first such as through ignorance of the Scriptures do imagine that to be Christian experience which doth not answer a rule of Scripture but is contrary thereto 2. Such as from corrupt principles will set up their experience above or equal to the authority of Scripture as to give a being to institutions or to make it a rule to judge and try all things yea the very Scripture it self when both it and they must be judged therby Rom. 2. 16. There is much corrupt experience in the world and persons have been as much mistaken in their experience especially in these daies as in any thing I know and no marvel when they leave the Scriptures as to rule walk by the uncertain rule of their own experience which many times is nothing but the vision of their own brains yet notwithstanding the great mistakes of many through corrupt experience yet true Christian experience is as excellent as ever and that as I said before is more than a bare knowledge it is truth brought home to
in grace which the Lord grant unto all his for his mercies sake Amen JOHN TURNER To the Christian Reader I Cannot but take it as a mercy from the Lord that I have such an opportunity to give my testimony unto so worthy a work as this is which indeed is a work that is not common amongst men being the work of a Daughter of Zion nay I may say a Mother in Israel as it is said Many Daughters have done vertuously but She excelleth them all therefore let Her own works praise Her in the Gates of Zion who hath opened to the view of all not only the counsel of mans heart which is as the deep waters with the deceits therof in which it may miscarry through the wisdom of the flesh and the wiles of Satan but also the wonderful wisdom of God in the powerful operation of his Spirit in the clear footsteps of his Grace by a large and well grounded experience in the Lords bringing of a poor soul out of darkness into light but in more particular thus How far a soul may be wrought upon before it comes to Christ with the lets and hinderances that keep it off from the truth Secondly of the true work of Grace in the heart and how this differs from the former Thirdly the souls closing with Christ and the sweet enjoyments of the same And lastly the full establishment in the free Grace of God and the manner how God effected this with the several effects of all the aforesaid degrees of Grace with so much variety of spiritual soul-edifying matter and all so full of life and delight to a gracious experienced heart that as to my remembrance I have not heard of the like together with a large discovery of the most devilish and strong delusions of our times and the depth and danger of them with the great Soul-losses of such as are taken with them and also the nature and tendency of them and Gods rich mercy in his recovering of his own out of them and how by his wisdome he makes the same work for their good So that good Reader if thou wouldst see the very inside of a gracious soul with the largest experience of the riches of Gods great dispensations of grace here it is clearly presented in this smal ensuing Treatise being so seasonable for the time we live in and so useful for all sorts of persons wherein error and hereticks are discovered the godly most sweetly edified and the way of truth laid open for such as desire it and many precious principles of truth soundly asserted All which with much more considered did not only affect my soul but caused me with others to press on the author hereof to publish the same for the good of Saints and a glorious example for all Christians to follow in a serious observing the passages of Gods providence and grace that they may be rich in experience of his free mercies and goodnes towards them as that by which God holds our souls in life and forms his image in us with deep ingagements of love and zeal for his glory into whose bosome I commit the godly Reader and this good work unto his blessing upon thy heart and remain the unworthiest of all Saints John Spilsbery To the Reader READER THis smal Volume is the fruit of private Meditations relating to the inward man which many neglecting have been like painted Sepulchers It is a known Maxim That the serious minded Christian is the most thriving especially when the judgement ordereth the affection Many persons are so drowned in confused and immethodical thoughts that all their intentions are like an untimely birth or the grass on the house top This Author hath obtained favour of the Lord not onely to be esteemed a Daughter of Sion but also one that excelleth in grace and to be counted a Mother in the true Israel of which we have not many I speak not this by hearsay onely though her works praise her in the gates but having had for some years more than ordinary experience of her clear conceptions and sound judgement being more naturally given to the exercise of godliness with sobriety than others hath stirred me up to testify some of her spiritual worth which hath been very advantagious to many but especially to me It was the great sorrow of the Jewish woman to be barren being thereby deprived of bringing forth Christ in his humane nature and it is greater sorrow to ingenious Christians to be barren in spirituals This precious soul hath conceived and brought forth spiritual fruit to the view of good and bad the matter containeth a gradual narration of the Lords various dealings with her many years both in and after Conversion which speaketh forth much observance of Gods daily footsteps in the soul the like have not commonly been seen few have given-themselves to be intent in discovering the beauty of Christ in the inward man If this may be instrumental to bring forth the additional experiences of other Saints it will be a good president especially in this age in which Saints time hath been occasionally taken up more in building the walls of the true Sion than in discovering the treasures of Grace and inward Glory of Christ in the soul These inward Experiences are not intended to limit others but to provoke self-examination and spiritual quickning They are orderly laid down though with brevity a word to the wise is enough Here is the danger of sin discovered the excellent safety of a soul in Christ declared the duties of privileged Christians manifested and some cautions laid down to take heed of a light and unsound Generation of men whose deceits have been largely experienced Be watchfull lest you fall where others have stumbled and are through Grace recovered and much established Read with diligence consider with patience thy encouragements are many that which is tendred being the fruit of the Spirit of grace doth invite and animate thee to conclude thy labor shall not be in vain in the Lord to whom I commend thee in this and all thy spiritual labours and remain Dated at London the 7th day of the 7th Moneth 1653. Thy affectionatâ— and welwishing friend JOHN GARDNER A word from the Author to the READER THese notes in the following discourse are some of the fruits of my labours written at several times in my Husbands absence which may be some satisfaction as to my spending that time I did intend them only for my own private use as a remembrancer of the old loving kindness of the Lord towards me t was not in the least in my thoughts that ever it should have been presented to a publick view but after I had written the greatest part of it shewing it to my Husband he had some thoughts to publish it judging it might be profitable to some precious souls which though it be written but in a broken scattering way and I am conscious to my self of too much weakness and unworthiness to be
an Instrument for the good of souls or to propagate the least truth of the Lord Jesus yet I shall be willing to submit to better Judgements hoping through the Blessing of God it may be useful knowing from my own experience I have received much from the Lord by reading but besides the sense of my own unworthiness as I had some discouraging thoughts as to my writing of it at the first so I have met with the like as to my giving way to the publishing of it As first I thought I might seem to some to walk in an untrodden path I having never seen any thing written before in this manner and method but whatever entertainment it may find with such knowing from whom I have received it I am well satisfied my footsteps will be found as for matter so for method and manner among the foot-steps of the flock of Christ where I desire to feed besides the Shepheards Tents Cant. 1. 8 Another thought which did discourage me was knowing I must expect to encounter with Satan in relation to it several waies but believing that which way soever he appears whether to abase or exalt me in my own thoughts the Lord will not be wanting with strength to withstand and resist him and that I shall with advantage be delivered from his snares and temptations Thus resolving to commit my self and it to the blessing of the Almighty desiring it may be accepted of the Saints as the widows mite and that what is weak may be covered with love is the desire of me the unworthy Servant of Christ IANE TURNER The manner how I was put upon the writing these following lines with the reasons and grounds for doing the same THrough the good providence of God I lived in Newcastle for some time where I received many precious mercies from the Lord which I desire may never be forgotten by me and being under a bodily affliction the Lord was pleased so to visit me with his loving kindness that I can truly say it was a time of joy to my soul and indeed I never enjoyed so much sweet communion with God for so long a time together as I did at that time for for the space of seven or eight weeks together I was in a continual converse and exchanging love with God as it were lodging and living in the bosome of Christ and truly I do not remember that in all that time I had one considerable interruption which condition was so sweet and joious to me that it did exceedingly grieve me to think that ever I should forget the particulars thereof finding from sad experience that though I can never forget the substance of such things yet I am prone to forget the particulars the remembrance of which I find to be much for the glory of God and my own comfort and profit especially in times of trial and temptations upon the consideration of which I thought it might be a good way to write them down And calling to mind some of the old loving kindnesses of God towards me I resolved to write down some of them For I do believe I cannot remember the hundreth part of the kind dealings of God towards me so as to write them all but though I cannot remember all yet I may remember some and those I judg most considerable I resolved to write them down But as I had many thoughts of encouragement to do it so I had some thoughts that did discourage me As First I thought it would be very hard if not impossible for me to remember that which hath been so long since so as to write it But the Lord was pleased to satisfy me in this that my ends being such as were agreeable to his will he would according to his promise in my endeavours bring things to my remembrance and truly I was confirmed in believing he would so do from my own experience for I do not remember that ever I set my self seriously to meditate on the former kindness of God towards me but I was much refreshed by it and remembred that which I seemed to have forgotten A Second thought which did discourage me was fearing left through forgetfulness as I knew I should leave out something which was so I might possibly write something which was not which I would not by any means willingly do this I discerned to be a temptation for fear of hypocrisy but God was pleased to satisfy me in it with this resolution that what I did I would do as in his presence and that if there were any thing which was clear to my remembrance that I could not bring in without something which was doubtfull I would rather leave out the one than write the other much less write any thing which was a plain addition and in this resolution I set upon it believing that God would assist and help me desiring not to give way to discouraging thoughts for I have often experienced this that if in writing speaking or doing of any thing whereby God may be glorified we should give way to temptations and discouragements we should do nothing at all For Satan and our own hearts will not be wanting to us that way But with grief of heart I must confess that the greatest discouragements that I have met with have been from the Saints themselves I do not mean only as to this particular but as to other spiritual duties also by which I trust I have learned in some measure to take the more heed how I discorage others and doubtless Saints ought to take great heed left by their giving just occasion of discouragement they quench the Spirit of God in them 2 Thes 5. 1â— quench not the Spirit which that we may not do we ought to endeavour for a Spirit of discerning and for such a carriage by which we may best draw forth the hearts of others in spiritual things not that we should draw or put persons upon that which they have not received or that we should encourage any who put themselves on such things but rather reprove them especially those who so act in a publique way such as the Apostle speaks of who would be preachers of the Law when indeed they know not what they say nor whereof they affirm 1 Tim. 1. 7. the hearing of which hath been no small burthen to my spirit I wish from my soul that not onely particular Saints may be faithful in the discharge of their duty to reprove such but also that the Church would put forth their Authority for the calling of them in and that such brethren onely whose gifts are approved of by the Church may exercise their gifts publiquely and no other that the Saints may not be burthened nor the world blaspheme I shall say no more as to this believing that the Lord will instruct those that are called to that work namely to judge who are fit to be teachers desiring only to caution Saints to take heed of casting stumbling blocks in each others way
For doubtless though its one of the last yet it s not the least trial that after we have in a great measure overcome the world the devil and our own hearts we should meet with lets and discouragements from one another It s that indeed which is suitable to an imperfect state in which we are and by which we may learn as to live more singly on God so also to presse after and long for that perfect State in which we shall be at the appearance of our Lord Jesus Christ I might enlarge much in this matter but I intend only to hint at things desiring the Lord to stir up the hearts of some more able to enlarge upon it knowing there is great need that Saints should be exhorted to this duty namely not to discourage but to incourage one another in all good things I desire that we may set before us that exhortation of the Apostle Gal. 5. 26 Let us not be desirous of vain glory provoking one another envying one another From whence I observe that to be desirous of vain glory makes way for a spirit of envy and so to provoke and grieve one another The consideration of that Scripture with Jam. 4. 5. may through the blessing of God be very usefull to Saints for this purpose for questionles a slighting of the gifts and grace of God in others doth many times arise off a desire of vain glory and a spirit of envy The first Note of Experience of the good Providence of God towards mee in a state of Ignorance and Darkness before Conversion IT pleased the Lord I was civilly brought up from a child and kept from such gross evills as persons meerly civil do not allow but otherwaies very vain and that which instrumentally kept me from such things as I conceived was together with my civil education a desire of happiness and a fear of misery having a general notion that sinne was attended with misery for I remember when I had done any thing that I thought was sin I was presently under great fear and terror to take off which and also to attain happiness in the end I thought I was to be exercised in some kind of religion but being very ignorant I made no inquiry what religion was but took it for granted that that was religion which was then in force from King and Bishops and so going on I grew very superstitiously zealous in all things suitable to the service Book or a Cathedrall kind of Worship and I thought the more I abounded in fasting book prayer and observation of daies and times mourning and afflicting my self for sin the better it was so that I think I did exceed most that I knew in that way for blind zeal and superstitious devotion yet at this very time I thought my self far from Popery and did alwaies oppose that with much zeal and I am sure with much ignorance Then being acquainted with some who were then called Puritans I began to perceive that there was some difference betwixt that which I practised and that which was done by them and my observation of their carriages and hearing them speak such language as I was altogether a stranger to did so far work upon me that I began to question my own condition and oft times when I had done my long book prayers though I had scarce ever heard of praying without a book yet I would in a poor broken manner complain to God that I was in some fear that what I did was not according to his will and if it were not I did beg of him that he would bring me to the knowledge of the truth whatever I did undergo for attaining of it But then sometimes I thought my condition good enough and though I was never given to rail or speak evil of such persons yet I thought they made more ado than they need to have done and that God did not require so much strictnesse as they seemed to plead for But hearing them speak much of knowledge and of the danger of ignorance and knowing my self to be very ignorant I began to be more frequent in reading the Scriptures and hearing sermons but my understanding not being yet opened it was to little effect for I remember I was at this time like a stock or stone as to the true understanding of that which I read or heard that I can truly say as the Prophet in Psal 73. 22. So foolish was I and ignorant even as a Beast before thee and yet at this time I was something in affection as when I heard any thing of the judgements of God against sin I should tremble and when any thing of the mercy and goodness of God or the love and sweetness of Jesus Christ my heart would melt as I thought yet I understood nothing so as to have it seated in the understanding and judgement This in general I do remember as to that state Some brief Observations from this note of Experience FIrst concerning my being kept from sin by a desire of happiness and fear of misery From thence I observe That in the daies of ignorance before we have received grace to restrain us from sin it s a mercy to be restrained by something else And truly to me its a mercy so considerable that I desire to bless the Lord for it as long as I live Secondly concerning my seeking after and framing to my self some kind of Religion from thence I observe That its naturall for persons to make after some kind of Religion and rather than they will worship nothing they will worship Samaritan like they know not what John 4. 22. Thirdly concerning my opposing Popery when my self lived in the practice of the same thing for the nature of it from thence I observe That a person may oppose an error and yet live at that time in the same error for the nature of it though in a lower degree and not know it And that not only persons totally ignorant but Saints also if they take not good heed for I have experienced this more times than once Fourthly concerning my complaint and prayer to God in relation to truth from thence I observe That a person before conversion may for ought I know truly pray and that from a secret work of God upon the heart And therefore though I cannot from Scripture-rule exhort such to pray so neither from ence can I forbid them but rather reioyce to see the hearts of any run out in such a way Fiftly concerning my being so much affected with truth though I understood it not from thence I observe That ignorant persons in hearing truth may have their reason so far touched that they may assent to it and be much affected with it and yet understand nothing so as to have it seated in the heart and judgement and because it is not seated in the heart and iudgement that I conceive is the reason why ignorant persons are so uncertain and so unconstant in their thoughts
concerning truth and why many that live a long time under much means yet continue very ignorant it may be ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth 2 Ti. 3. 7. and as the seed upon the stony ground withred away because it had no root So truth not being rooted in the heart and iudgement though it spring up in much affection yet it comes to nothing And indeed ignorant persons many times are sooner affected and doe seem to have more affection than others he reason of that I conceive is the same also with that of the seed upon the stony ground it sprang up suddenly because it had not depth of earth so it s natural for ignorant persons to spring forth in affection they having as it were nothing else to do but onely to be affected their strength running all in one vein or in one Chanel they spend all in affection while others that have more understanding have many other things to do all the faculties of their souls being exercised their strength is dispersed into many veins weighing and pondering things in the heart and iudgment that it may have depth to root and settle there as it s said of Mary shee pondred those things in her heart Luke 2. 19. so they are treasuring it up in their hearts having in their treasury things new and old Mat. 12. 35. and 13. 52. and a little affection where there is iudgement is better than a great deal without iudgement yet much affection with a sound iudgment is best of all The second note of Experience How I was brought to see my self in a miserable state by Nature and convinced of sin by the Law and so converted to duty labouring for life by doing though at that time in my own thoughts far from owning such a thing By providence hearing a Minister of the Nation who was then called a Puritan whom though I used often to hear yet I could truly say as the Prophet in Dan. 10. 8. I heard but I understood not and as I was once hearing of him very suddenly I thought I did discern and understand things more clearly and more distinctly than ever I did before that time being much affected with it and did then own God in it having many such thoughts as these that as it was said of Lydia Act. 16. 14. that now the Lord had opened my understanding and now I hoped I should have more knowledge and delight more in hearing and reading whereas before it was wearysome to me because I did not understand any thing but in a confused manner After this I had a great delight to hear this man and though I thought it much on any other occasion to go one mile on foot yet to hear him I could go three and back again the same day frequently and by his Ministery I was brought to see the superstitious varity of my former zeal and laid it aside and I remember that at this time I had such affectionate heart-workings towards God and godliness and such a hatred of all sin according to what I then knew that I did many times in my serious thoughts chuse rather to dy than live meerly upon that account because I would not sin against God knowing my self subject thereunto And though I cannot say that at this time I had faith in God so as to believe his Love to me on Gospel grounds for I was totally ignorant of any such thing many years after yet I had good thoughts of God from that glimmering light which I then had and which did produce in me much love to him as I cannot but so judge But no sooner was I brought to this but Satan was ready to assault me and set upon me with this horrid temptation to question the Being of God and I remēber it usually came upō me when I was alone but especially as I was going by my self to hear the aforesaid Minister insomuch that it did exceedingly trouble me and I then discerned it to be a temptation and did resist and labour against it drawing arguments as I went in the fields from the very works of Creation to confirm my self in this truth that there is a God that it should not be in vain for me or any to serve him and earnestly crying to God against it through Grace I was not overcome by it but had a supply of strength until it was removed and I was no more troubled with it in many years after So I continued a constant hearer of this man and other such like for some years by which I came to see my self in a miserable State by nature and was convinced of sin by the Law but being very ignorant of the Lord Jesus and their doctrine being for the most part such as was suitable to the old covenant instead of going to Christ for life I was brought to a great degree of labour and travell for life and happinesse by doing though at that time in my own thoughts farre from owning such a thing being as exact and strict in all my waies I think I may say as it was possible for a poor creature to be but the more strict I was still looking through the glasse of the law the more my bondage was increased For I could see nothing but an addition of sin in all that I did the law still calling for a perfect righteousness Then I began to be very much troubled and in a great amasement perplexity of spirit fearing I should perish for ever then I had thoughts to discover my condition to some to have advise from them but meeting with many discouragements did not but kept it in my own brest discovering no more but what I could not hide which was onely my outward appearance much differing from what formerly it was which did occasion some to say that I was neer a distraction they not knowing what condition I was in And truly my condition was so sad that I was afraid of a distraction my self for I thought it impossible to continue long in that condition and not be distracted which fear did occasion me to apply my self to some means of comfort whereas before I was not willing to hearken to any thing that way the means I used was chiefly reading praier by which it pleased the Lord I came to some dark apprehensions concerning Jesus Christ being perswaded there was something of that nature which if I could get a right understanding of my condition would be much better but fearing left I should sink under my burthen temptations comming on me like the waves of the Sea I was forced as I went about my occasions often to cry to God like the Disciples in another case Lord save me else I perish Mat. 8. 25. I thought many times I was even sinking under my burthen and I did believe there was no help but only in the Lord and that he was able to do it but whether he would do it or whether he
the same though in our Judgement we cannot so own them which is a plain contradiction in our principles we say they are not Churches and Ministers of Christ by our practice we say they are as hath been minded Secondly As it is a contradiction of our own principles so it hath had such effects which are too visible and remains unto this day I must confess in my most serious thoughts I have wondered what should be the reason that any in the house of God should desire to be elsewhere I am sure there is no reason to be given for it neither from Scripture nor experience therefore I conclude it s either from ignorance so persons in their practice cross their own principles and not know it or else it s from corrupt principles or else they are overcome by some violent temptations As to the 1. of these I trust there are not many in the house of God so ignorant As to the 2. it is the desire of my soul that God would reprove shew them the evill of such principles and recover them out of such snares As to the 3. Let them take heed lest having put their hand to the plow and looking back they become unfit for the Kingdom of God Luke 9. 62. and let them likewise take heed of pleasing men or halting between two opinions but if God be God follow him if Baal follow him 1 Kings 28 21. This may seem harsh language to some but I am satisfyed that what I have written hath not been from a censorious spirit to Judge of the final State of any or to question the grace of God in any where it doth appear in the least measure and therefore let none say that because I cannot own any to be true Churches or Ministers of Christ but such as are in the same order with us that therefore I say there is nothing of God or Truth in them or that none shall be saved but our selves or that we love none but those of our own Judgement which if any do so think or speak of us it is a very great mistake for if I may speak for others as I have already said I do upon a godly account love and delight in some who are not in our Churches and do wait for the accomplishment of those glorious promises when they and we shall have a pure language shall call upon the Lord serve him with one consent and when we shall have one heart and one way and there shall be one Lord and his name one Zeph. 3. 9. Jer. 32. 39. Zach. 14. 9. In the mean time Let none under a pretence of waiting for the accomplishment of such promises as these grow cold and indifferent in the great things of God For none can truly wait for the accomplishment of Promises but such as do wait in a close walking with God according to that measure of light received and so those that have but a little of the knowledge of God let them follow on to know the Lord Hosea 6. 3. and let those that are in the faith earnestly contend for it Jude 3. and such as are in Gospel Churches let them stand fast in one Spirit with one mind striving together for the faith of the Gospel Phil. 1. 27. and let every one that names the name of Christ depart from iniquity 2 Timothy 2. 19. and those that love the Lord hate evil Psalm 97. 10. And as I desire that none may slight grow cold or indifferent in the great things of God under a pretence of waiting for high enjoyments or discoveries which shall be in the later daies so I desire likewise that none may plead against the Truth under a pretence of Love as many do in these daies labouring to confound light with darkness truth with error and to make an agreement where God hath made none Let such know that true spiritual love as it is wrought in the heart by the Spirit of God so it is bounded within the limits of Truth Love and Truth go hand in hand it is so fixed upon God that it Loves all in and for him spiritual Love must have a spiritual object and as the obiect is more or less visible so is that Love it cannot love every thing alike nay it works as well by hatred of evill as approving that which is good Psa 101. Psa 97. 10. Rev. 2. 6. Psa 119. 122 128. It loves that which God loves and hates that which he hates it loves the Word of God the Ordinances of God and the people of God and hates all that is in opposition to these it rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth 1 Cor. 13. 6. This is true spiritual love in which we are to receive every truth and by which faith worketh 2 Thes 2. 10. Gal. 5. 6. and I dare affirm whatever persons may pretend of spiritual love that is not of this nature it is a meer delusion and that all that fear the Lord ought to take heed of it The fift Note of Experience concerning Notions and Pretended Spiritualities in which Satan transforms himself into an Angel of light and how far I was deceived by it and how the Lord was pleased to recover me out of it BEing now through much mercy brought out of Babylon into Sion to partake of those dainties which the Lord hath prepared for his people there Satan that grand Enemy of mankind who goeth about like a roaring Lion seeking whom he may devour 1 Pet. 5. 8. envies my happiness and waites his opportunitie to catch me as a fish in the water covering his hook with a bait of mystery and spirituality who though I had escaped him in all his former appearances as a devill yet now transforms himself into an Angel of light if it were possible for ever thereby to beguile and deceive me knowing that those that are so deceived are the fittest Agents to promote his Kingdome and that many times he prevailes this way when he can prevail no other way drawing persons to that by degrees through corrupt principles which they would have trembled at the thoughts of before they had such principles but God was pleased not onely to keep me from such things but also discover to me the way by which persons are brought to such things that so to the praise of his Grace I might avoid those waies and also forewarn others to avoid them likewise But before I was brought to discover Satan under these veiles by hearkning to the voice of the Tempter in the thoughts of which I desire ever to be humbled in the presence of God I was deceived and beguiled by him in some particular things and that after this manner after we had lived some time in London walking with the Church in the practice of the Gospel it pleased God to remove our habitation into the Country where we had not that privilege and after a while my Husband being in the Army it occasioned our
condition and what the Lord had done for me who as I have formerly hinted was much in the same condition with me who also declared that he had in a measure received the like mercy which did much increase my joy Then I remember he desir'd we might seek the Lord by prayer and praise his holy name for these and all his mercies In which duty the Lord was pleased so abundantly to manifest himself to us thereby testifying his acceptance of us that for a while we sate in admiration neither of us scarce being able to speak for tears and truly it was such a mercy that I trust we shall for ever admire it at least in these five particulars First that God should deal so faithfully with us in relation to his promise that when we were ready to turn to the right hand or to the left he caused us to hear his voice behind us saying this is the way walk in it Esay 30. 21. Secondly that when we were straying from truth that the Lord should keep us that we straied no further that we did not run to the hight of those notions denying the Churches and Ordinances of Christ and blaspheming the truth as very many did in those times even denying the Lord that bought them Thirdly that the Lord should deal so fatherly and tenderly in his restoring of us that it was not by any extraordinary affliction or chastisement neither were we at any time a trouble to the Churches or grief to any Saint I know of Fourthly that the Lord should be pleased to bring us off so clearly from those things for many are brought off from them and yet there is still so much confusion remaining upon their spirits that it is hard to discern whether they are brought off or no. Fiftly that the Lord should vouchsafe this mercy to both of us that at one the same time and that at our return he should manifest such a sweet acceptance of us melting our hearts into tears of joy to our mutual comfort in the Lord and in each other and so that stream of our hearts being now turned from running after lying vanities the Lord was pleased to re-establish and confirm us every day more and more in the truth turning this sad yet blessed Experience to his praise and our great advantage the remembrance of which I trust shall be a mercy that shall stand us in stead at times of need whiles we live which the Lord grant it may be so to the honour and praise of his great name and our own peace and happines in himself Amen Some further Considerations relating to this part of my Experience it being that which I judge so considerable I cannot omit the reviewing of it AND the Lord grant I may review it daily so as to have my heart raised to an holy admiration of the goodness and faithfulness of God towards me in it and that it may allwaies lie as a strong engagement upon my heart to love and obey him in all things which in consideration of his unspeakable mercy is but my reasonable service Rom. 12. 1. And as I desire for ever to bless the Lord that he was pleased to deliver me from these deceits so it shall be my prayer that all the Lords people may be delivered from them and that the rather because I am perswaded that errors of that nature are the worst of all others and doubtless they are the greatest mystery of iniquity that ever Satan had on foot in the world But because I am not willing to pass my sentence without grounds and because every thing that is reproved is made manifest by the light and that which doth make manifest is light Ephes 5. 13. I desire according to that light of truth which God hath given to me farther to consider not only in general that those kind of errors are the worst of all others but more particularly how they are so First I conceive they are the worst of all others in that they do naturally tend and lead to the highest degree of evill and that both as they take with gracious hearts and as they take with carnal hearts First as they take with gracious hearts they do naturally interrupt the souls communion with God and exposeth it to great temptations bringing it to straits and extremities and into the greatest confusion that can be possible so far as they prevail and for the truth of this besides my own experience I appeal to any experienced Christian if it be not so Secondly as they take with carnal hearts they lead by degrees to the greatest evil both in a spiritual and 〈…〉 vil sense for such hearâ—â— not being seasoned wiâ—â— grace they run from onâ— notion to another till they run so high as to stand directly in opposition to Christ and his Gospel For when they come to be confounded and at a loss in their Judgements and meet with such Temptations which those errors naturally lead to they are overcome by them and under a pretence of living above Ordinances they deny the Ordinances of Christ and by degrees the whole Word of God calling it literal and carnal â—â—d under a pretence of spiâ—â—â—uality blaspheme the name â—f Christ calling him A fleshly Christ and so denying the Lord that bought them 2 Pet. 2. 1. and going against such strong convictions and cleer manifestations of light and knowledge as some have done doubtless they have fallen into that unpardonable sin expressed in Heb. 10. and so come at last to jeer and scoff at all appearance of godliness and it makes way for the highest degree of wickedness also in a civil sense having given themselves up to work all uncleanness with greediness Esay 4. 19. and so breaking all bonds though they had escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of our Lord yet being again entangled therein their latter end is worse than the beginning 2 Pet. 2. 20. according to that Mat. 13. 43 44 45. When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man he walketh through dry places seeking rest and findeth none then he returns and taketh seven other spirits more wicked than himself and they enter in and dwell there and the last state of that man is worse than the beginning he is now far more wicked than ever this is the nature and these are the effects of those kind of notions as they take with carnal hearts and that it is so I appeal to the times in which we live if we have not seen it so with many who had escaped the pollutions of the world and that evil spirit seemed to be gone out of them and they have made large professions of the power of truth in their hearts but they are turned with the dog to his vomit and with the sow that was washt to her wallowing in the myre glorying in their shame and doing that without any reluctancy which they would have trembl'd at the thoughts of before they had those
the heart with life and power by the Spirit of God conforming the soul in all things to the will of God being united to Christ by faith and so by it we learn many things First by experience we find the word of God daily accomplished in us and are confirmed in our faith and hope for experience worketh hope Rom. 5. 4. by it we come to be acquainted with our own hearts and are not so easily deceived by them by experience we learn how to use our spiritual armor Eph. 6. 12 13 14. for offence and defence against the wiles of the devil not being ignorant of his devises 2 Cor. 2. 11. by it we learn wisdom as to the exercise of all spiritual gifts and do know what we have received and what we want in a measure and what will help or hinder a gracious frame in us also by it we learn wisdom as to the profiting by all conditions and as to the answering of all relations and in all these persons do many times do that for want of experience which after they have more they are ashamed of what they have done and according to that measure of it which through grace I have attain'd I have often thought that a large experienced Christian doth as far excell and differ from such as have but little experience as a man differs from a child and may say as Iob did I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear but now mine eyes see thee Job 42. 5. and because experience is a thing so excellent every one would be eminent in it or at least they would be thought to be so when the truth is there are but few that do take a right course to attain it Now for the way and means by which it is attained I shall give my thoughts 1. I conceive its the fruit of much Christian labour after long continuance in the truth and being 〈…〉 various conditions But 2. and chiefly I apprehend it is attained by serious observation and meditation for though persons may have much knowledge as to the principles of truth and may continue long in the profession of it and may be exercised under many changes yet if they are not serious in their observations but things come and go with them and they not regard it they will never attain to much experience whereas it may be some that are more serious and observing that have not bin so long in the truth or so exercised 〈◊〉 have more 〈◊〉 than they as some children will learn more in a moneth than others in a year but this is not ordinary for though persons may be long in the truth and have but little experience yet such as are newly come to the faith cannot have much though never so observing for which cause young Christians are not to be chosen Church-officers being subject to be soon overcome by temptations also let young Christians especially Be swift to hear and slow to speak Iam. 1. 19. and be more swift to hear than to offer the sacrifice of fools Eccle. 5. 1. Seeing it is so that Christian 〈…〉 in its place is a thing so excellent and that the means by which it s attained is by serious observation I desire with all Saints to give up my self to a serious observation of the dealings of God with us in all conditions that we may not receive mercies in vain but that we may treasure them up in our Christian experience having in our treasury things new and old that we may be ready upon all occasions to bring it forth Mat. 13. 52. to the glory and praise of God to the profit comfort of our selves and others as it s our duty so to do till the comming of our Lord to 〈…〉 and glory for e 〈…〉