7. Jo. 16. 14. Jo. 17. 6. Ephes 1. 17. Fifthly He Interrogated or Queried of my Soul as follows 1. Art thou become truly and thoroughly sensible and convinced that thou art by Departing from and Sinning against God an undone miserable and guilty Creature having lost his Blessed Image stamped on thee in Adam thy Natural and Faederal Head in the First Creation And being now become obnoxious to God's Curse and the Wrath to come and Partaker of such a Spiritual Impotency as Renders thee utterly uncapable of doing any thing whereby thou mayst be Delivered out of thy present folorn condition Art thou Conviuced that this thy Misery is of thy own bringing upon thee Sinner Answers O thou Most Holy Just and Tremenduous God! By the Light now Sprung from thee the Fountain of all Light into my Dungeon-like Soul I plainly see what a wretch I am become no way like what thou at first made me in Adam I am likewise fully Convinced that this my Misery was brought on me by my every way voluntary Defection and Apostacy when in Adam's Loins I first yielded to the Motion of the Tempter 2. Art thou Convinced of what the real Desert and Merit of thy Sinning against a Holy and Righteous God is What canst thou say against Gods Casting thee into Hell for that Hellish Rebelon of thine against his Holy and Righteous Law Sin Ans O thou Most Holy and Everlastingly Righteous God who canst not possibly Act amiss in any thing thou dost with thy Creatures I am by the Convincing Power of thy Holy Spirit made Sensible that by my Departing from and Rebelling against thy Majesty I have forfeited that Right I had in Adam to all Good Spiritual and Temporal And shouldst thou Cast me into Hell and Assign me my Portion with the Apostate Angels whose Conduct and wretched Example I followed when I turned my Back on thee thou art and wilt for ever be and remain a Just a Holy and a Most Righteous God my Misery is of my own Procurement and so far am I from reflecting on thee as unjust shouldst thou throw me from thee for ever that I am amaz'd and astonished to think I should be so long out of Hell The Place where I sometimes evenlong'd to be to try whether there was any specifical Difference between the Torments and Miseries of that Place and what I felt in my self while shut up in thy Laws Prison under the sharp and killing Pedagogie thereof 3. Hast thou Viewed and taken notice of that Mediator which I have proposed and discovered to thee in the Gospel Dost thou think or canst thou be perswaded that he can do thy Work for thee viz. Save thee from Curse and Wrath to come and not only so but to Restore thee and bring thee back again to the Favour and Fellowship of God Dost thou see in him an Adequate suitableness to Answer all thy Necessities Sinner Answers O Lord My Eyes are so intent and fix'd on that Mediator that I can have no leisure or spare time to look on any other object in Heaven or Earth never did neither can Men or Angels behold or see such an object except himself The Angels and all the Glory of the whole Creation are but Darkness and Deformity when compared to his Surpassing and Incomparable Amiableness and Loveliness since I had the first glimps of him as held forth and discovered by thy Divine and Efficacious Manifestation I have forgotten my Misery and the fearful Thoughts of Hell and Damnation are swallowed up of the Thoughts and Apprehensions I have of his suitableness to Answer the necessitous Condition of such a Sinner as I am 4. Hast thou Viewed and Observed him so as to like him and choose him for thy Reconciler and Saviour What sayest thou Poor Sinner Wilt thou have him for thine own 'T is Personal Propriety in him that makes the Thoughts and Sight of him Ravishing and Enriching for ever Sinner Answers O Tremendous and Astonishing Mystery of Divine Grace in sending forth from the Father and the Son that Holy Spirit of Promise that by his Illuminating Virtue and quickening Power I might have such a saving Sight of Christ the Saviour as should both beget in me a likeing to his Person and likewise cause in me a burning desire to be Vnited and Married to him I am indeed sick of Love to him and filled with such desires after him as nothing short of a Mystical Vnion to his Most Holy and Glorious Person can satisfy my thirsting Soul 5. Art thou willing that this Mediator shall have the whole Honour of Saving thee by his own Mediatorial Righteousness For As no Righteousness of a meer Creature can stand before the Bar of Gods Infinite and Incomprehensible Holiness and to abide such a Tryal as to be Judged fit and sufficient to Justifie a Sinner before God seeing that the Righteousness to which such Honour is Reserved and Assigned must be the Righteousness of God And also the Righteousness of a sinless Man so this Mediator will become a Saviour to none who will mix or join any thing of their own or other Creatures with his Immaculate and All-sufficient Righteousness The whole and entire Work of Reconciling and Saving Sinners is Devolv'd on him alone He will admit of no Competitor in this Work to which the Father hath Called and Anointed him And the which he himself as Vademony and Surety for God's Elect hath undertaken to go through and Perform What sayest thou Sinner Art thou willing to this Sin Ans O thou Holy of Holy's I see and find so little need of joyning any Righteousness of my own or other Creatures to the Compleat and Perfect Righteousness of this Mediator that I am resolved to look no where else for a Righteousness whereby to be Justified and Saved I am fully Convinced that as he needs no Coadjutor to help him out in this Work of Saving Sinners seeing he is the Holy and Almighty one of God able to Save to the uttermost So I see nothing like a Legal Righteousness which can Answer the Demand of the strict and Righteous Law of God either in my self or any other meer Creature whatsoever Whatever therefore is or can be Suggested or Objected by the Devil or Carnal Reason against this Righteousness of his as Insufficient to Save I am by Strength from above fixedly Resolved to cast my Weary Bleeding Soul thereon come Life come Death 6. There is a thing called the Cross which thou must expect and look to meet with if thou resolve to Live and Reign with Christ in Heaven hereafter Thou must look to Part with all that in this World is Near and Dear to thee for his sake and the Gospels Thou must Sacrifice thy Reputation and Credit among Men. Thou must become willing to be accounted a Fool a Madman a Turbulent Fellow an Enemy to Caesar a Separatist from the Church Thou must not think or look to be advanced to Worldly Wealth and
lump of Ice before the warm Sun By the Sense and Perception I had of the Love of God vouchsafed to such a base and deformed Sinner as God knows I was and still am I felt the Servile and Mercenary Frame and Disposition of my Spirit take Wing and that Filial Child like Frame and Disposition of Spirit which is suited to a Gospel Dispensation Succeed in its Room And looking up to Heaven with the Tears flowing from me so extreamly fast that I heard them drop drop upon drop on the Floor where I stood continuing so long that I sensibly felt my Cheeks to Burn and Scald me My Soul in a strange Extasy running over those Particulars which the Holy Ghost had assured me of Here 's the Second Rapture of Joy What Joy like to this I now feel Who can possibly Relate or express it What! Hath God Elected me even me Sinful and Vile me And hath he done it before time And notwithstanding he perfectly knew what I should prove in time Oh! Wonderful Love Why me Lord Why me And not one of the Reprobates in Hell who never Sinned against thee to that Degree that I have And hath God laid mine Iniquities even all my Iniquities on the Back of Christ and Charged them to his Score as my Surety Oh! Amazing Mistery of Divine Love and Grace Who is able to know whether the Father or the Son Loves me Most The Father in Laying my Sins on his own and only Son tho Innocent and Harmless Or the Son in Condescending to Bear them as his own Sins And are all those Sins of mine Discharg'd and satisfied for by the Active and Passive Obedience of Christ my Surety who hath kept the Law for me Oh! Wonderful Condescention both of Father and Son Is it so as I feel it is That God the Father is fully Satisfi'd with that his Sons Obedience And that I am now Justifi'd in his Sight by the Virtue thereof Oh my Soul What Cause hast thou to Rejoyce and Adore God for ever And was the Love of God set on me Even when in a State of Vnregeneracy Who but a Mercenary Legalist will not be hence Convinced of the Orthodoxy and Soundness of that Distinction Which differenceth between the Person of an Elect Sinner and the Sinful Pravity of Nature which Cleaves to him Surely my Soul If God had really hated thee and had he been Wrath with thee as he is with all the wicked Reprobates who have no share in the Redemption of his Son Even then when thou wast un-called he might have sent thee to Hell Who could have hindred him And were the Reasons wherefore he handled thee so roughly by the Spirit of Bondage as have been discovered by the Holy Ghost And not because he hated thee or any way design'd to satisfy his Vindicative Justice for thy Sins What Cause hast thou to Reflect on and Abhor thy self for all thy hard Thoughts and unbecoming Apprehensions which were lodg'd in thee of God and his Dealing with thee And is it certain as most certainly it is seeing God cannot Lye That I Poor Sinful I shall be made to Persevere and hold out in a State of Grace and continue in Gods Favour for ever Oh! What unspeakable cause hast thou to Adore Love and Praise Jehovah to all Eternity And what little Reason hast thou to be discouraged to think of what the Powers of Darkness can do to hinder thy Perseverance And will the Eye of Divine Providence be on me and the Right Hand of God's Righteousness kept under me to Secure me for ever from finally Miscarrying or Perishing How great Encouragement is this to thee my Soul to have the Eye of Faith and Hope Dependingly fixt on the Faithfulness and Almightiness of God seeing the End and the Means are ever Inseparable And hath God that cannot Lye Promised and Engaged that the very Being of Indwelling Corruption with all the Out-breaking thereof in my Conversation As also the many Afflictions attending the same shall infallibly Work for my Eternal Good What Reason have I to Cry out and say with astonishment of Soul Who is a God like unto thee who Pardonest Iniquity and Passeth by the Trasgression of the Remnant of thine Heritage Who out of Darkness producest Light and out of the greatest Evil canst bring the greatest Good And is it so That notwithstanding the many and great Oppositions and Tribulations I am to meet with in the World I shall through Christ accompanying and strengthening me be brought through them and made a Compleat Conqueror in the End How greatly Zealous ought I to be in Loving and Lauding the True and Living God Father Son and Holy Ghost whose Tremendous and Glorious Name is Infinitely Transcending all Praises which Saints or Angels are Capable of giving And seeing that from henceforth till I come to Heaven the special Providence of God will be with me in every Change of Condition so as nothing shall be able to do me Harm What unspeakable Cause have I to fear with a Reverential Holy and Filial Fear the Glorious Name and Infinite Majesty of the Great God And how unbecoming me for whom God hath done so many and wonderful things will it be to Fear either Devils or Men who set themselves against God and his Sons Interest O my Soul Rejoyce now in God who is become thy Salvation and Fear nothing but what may any way grieve his Holy and Tender Spirit Marvelous and unutterable were those Manifestations of Gods Love let out upon me his poor nothing Creature in that Moment of his Spirits Sealing me in Believing and by the Sense whereof the Holy Ghost fill'd up those Vallys and Bottoms in my Soul and Conscience occasioned by the sharp and terrible Workings of the Spirit of Bondage And as the Manifestations but now Mentioned were in themselves Marvelous and Astonishing so were also the Sensible Effects they Produced in me Wonderful and Ravishing Those Effects I Reduce for Orders sake to Six Heads First The Horrour and Guilt of my Conscience was gon which was Succeeded by the Answer of a good Conscience towards God which did inwardly Suggest and Dictate to me That my State and Condition Godward is truely Safe and most Happy Secondly The Spiritual Vail which Covered my Heart and Mind and which kept me from seeing into the Mistery of the Gospel was taken off like Scales or a Web off the Eyes of a Blind Man Whereon I was enabled to See and Behold who and what Jesus held forth in the Gospel is to me Thirdly The Affrighting Distractions and Overwhelming Hurricanes of my Despairing Soul occasioned by my continual expectation of being sent to Hell were turned into an unexpected and Soul surprizing Calm and Sedate Frame of Spirit Fourthly The Spirit of Slavish Fear which on every occasion Tormented and Rackt me vanisht and the Spirit of Power of Love and of a sound Mind was given me Fifthly The Joy and Comforts of the Holy Ghost
were Communicated to me in such a manner and measure as unspeakably passeth my Frail Capacity to tell forth or express Which occasioned me to call to Mind my former Wondering and Musing while going on in the way of my Ignorant and Blind Zeal in Serving God before the Spirit of Bondage visited me to think what the Joy of the Holy Ghost should mean Whenever I did Read of the Joy of the Holy Ghost Or did hear any mention thereof Joy of the Holy think I Lord what is that What is the meaning of it I cannot tell or apprehend what this Joy of the Holy Ghost should be Sixthly The Spirit of Adoption was given me whereby I was enabled to come to God's Throne of Grace and with a Holy and Humble Boldness to call him my God and my Father The Instinct in the New Creation wrought by the God of all Grace in me led me to God as the Fountain of all Good The Spirit given me putting into my Mouth Words of Solemn Thanks and Praise for the Greatness and Strangeness of my Salvation To my Knees I betook me Adoreing and Worshipping with my Spirit That Holy Jehovah Trinity in Unity and Unity in Trinity Father Son and Holy Ghost the True and Eternal God Whom all the time of my Blind Zeal and during the time of my Bondage State I had so Ignorantly Worshipped I was now and never before Enabled Jacob like to catch hold of and to Wrestle with a Reconciled God The Greatness Holiness and Infiniteness of his Majesty which before I knew him in Christ terrified and affrightned me with a Witness Animated and Encouraged me in Praying to him It is not to be Exprest in Words with what Alacrity and Chearfulness of Spirit I approached the Throne of Grace and with what Enlargedness and inward Meltings of Heart and Soul I called on God When I did but mention this My God and my Father Oh! what Ravishment of Soul did I Experimentally feel Overflowing and Drowning my very Spirit To my Bed I went with a Glad Ravish'd Heart Christ knows The Burning Inflammation which the Horror and Bondage of my Wounded Despairing Conscience caused in my Body was gon and my Bodys Disposition to Crookedness thought the sinking weight which lay on my Spirit within was Instantly Rebuked and caused to Retreat by the Glad and Joyful Tideings of Gospel Peace which that Night took up its Lodging within me Succeeding and Powerfully Supplanting that Spirit of Bondage which made me so hopeless and as I thought Past all possibility of escapeing Hell No sooner was I stretched in my Bed but Swooning and Fainting Fits of Love Sickness seized me I was Inwardly and Spiritually so Apprehensive of the Mysteriousness of Christs Incarnation his Humbling himself even to Death his lying Confined as a Prisoner in the Grave and his being Raised therefrom again his Ascending to Heaven from whence he came and his Sitting down at the Fathers Right Hand to Enter on the Work of Intercession with God And that as my Surety and Mediator and all for me that I verily thought my Body was near its Dissolution A thing which the clear and certain assurance given me of my being an Adopted Son of God made me even Long and Pant after My Thoughts and Meditations were now wholly Employed about Christ and that Blessed Change which I Sensibly felt was Past on me The sweet and Soul Ravishing Communion I had with Father Son and Holy Ghost was to me instead of Meat Drink and Sleep and that the most Pleasing and Satisfactory that I ever Enjoyed The Actings and Sufferings of Christ in the assumed Nature for me were so realized and the Virtue and Reconciling Efficacy of the same so sensibly set home on my Wounded and Bleeding Soul by the Spirit of Adoption that I thought I had the Person of Christ claspt in my Arms in the Bed Oh! The sweet Intercourses which by the Operation of the Holy Ghost passed between Precious Jesus and my Languid Soul Then was I made to know Experimentally the meaning of Rev. 3. 20. While I was Wakeing I was entertained with strange variety of Interlocution or Discourse which Passed between Christ and me which did Explain and Unfold to me that in Prov. 6. 22. During this I continued in such a Melting Frame that the very Pillow-beer under my Head was as if dipt in a River through the great abundance of Tears of unconceivable Joy which the Sense and feeling of Christ's Love constrained me to shed When I found a necessity of turning in my Bed I could not turn without my Dearly Beloved and Incomparably Loving Jesus in my Arms with me When I Slumber'd and Slept I was soon visited with most Joyful and Ravishing Dreams of God Christ Holy Ghost the Glory of Heaven and the unutterable Bliss and Felicity of those Souls who are Reconciled to God by Christ This was very Frequent and common when Sleep came on me after I had been Sealed in Beleiving And albeit I never durst to heed or mind Nocturnal Dreams yet they have sometimes had such a strange Influence on me that I have felt such delightful Joy and Comfort in my Spirit that sometimes I have been at a stand to think whether I had been asleep or awake It was a frequent Practice with me for some considerable time how long I cannot now Remember to arise in my Bed when I awaked out of My sleep to Bend my Knees and lift up my Eyes Hands and Heart to heaven to Land Praise and Magnify Father Son and Holy Ghost for the greatness and strangeness of my so unexpected and unlook'd for Salvation Being but the Night before yea and every Morning ready to Drop into final Desparation of ever being Saved Oh! What a loss was I at in my self Not knowing how sufficiently to Extol and Bless God for what had now befallen me I was even ready to quarrel with my self because of the narrowness and streightness of my Soul which hindred that I could not take in more of God and go out in more enlarged Expressions of Love and Praises to him For above six Months together I could neither lye down nor arise go down or come up Stairs pass in or out from one place to another but I strongly Conceited that I perceived a Guard of Angels attending my Person It cannot be Expressed with what scorn and abhorrence I look'd on the Pride and Gallantry of the Family where I Lived Their Changeable Suits of Rich and Glittering Apparel with their Choice Meats and sweet Musick with other delightful Pastimes I look'd on and accounted them but as Smoak and Dust The Titles of Worldly Honour wherein the Rest of my Relations did not a little Glory I accounted the same but a meer empty Vanity Oh! think I That my Poor Relations could see taste and feel what I do how would they disrelish and be ashamed and weary of these Poor perishing sensual Delights wherein they Place their Delight and
of old unto me saying yea I have Loved thee with an Everlasting Love therefore with Loving Kindness have I drawn thee Here Note That Everlasting Love in the Hebrew signifies a Love of Eternity From whence I make this Observation viz. That God Loves his Elect from one Eternity to another With this agrees that of the Apostle Ephes 1. 4. According as he hath Chosen us in him before the Foundation of the World This Discovery of God's Love to his Elect is as a Millstone laid on the Back of that Popish Arminian Doctrin of a Temporary and Conditional Election to sink it into the Bottomless Depth of the Eternal Abhorrence and Loathing of God the Elect Angels and all Saved Sinners Therefore from hence Learn What to think and say when the Devil and thy vain Heart Suggest unto thee Upon thy doing and Performing any Duty and Service now the Lord hath Elected or will Elect me because I have done thus and thus Reader The Devil who seeks thy Ruin is cordially Reconciled to such an Election as this because he knows it will end in thy Eternal Ruin if God leave thee here Therefore Repel and Stave off this Cursed Popish Arminian Dream by stedfastly Believing and Affirming that God's Electing Love Embraced me in its Arms and Registred or Enrolled my Name in the Lambs Book of Life before I had a Personal Being or any Capacity to do or perform any Duty which could move God to Elect me Then when the Devil and thy remaining Unbelief suggest unto thee upon any personal miscarriage or fall into new Provocation against God now God hath cast me out of his Love and Rejected me because I have broken Covenant with him Repel this Temptation by considering and stedfastly Believing that the Electing Love of God which Embraced me and Enrolled my Name in the Lambs Book before the Foundation of the World it is a Love like God himself As without Beginning of Time so also without End or Change Mal. 3. 6. OBSERVATION II. See hence and Observe the Impossibility of frustrateing Gods Decrees and his Working Providence The Deaths and Dangers to which I have been so often exposed have been so many and greatly dangerous that had not Gods Love to me and his Providence over me preserved me I had certainly perished The Snow in which I lay for Four or Five Hours at so tender an Age as but three Months old was as powerful to have killed me by the Extremity of its peircing Cold as it was to destroy the vast Numbers of Men and Cattel which have often Perished by its Strength The Element of Fire which surrounded me in my Bed when buried in Sleep and no way able to help my self it was of as devouring a quality to destroy me as the Fire that heat Nebuchadnezzar's Furnace was to destroy those faithful Worthies Cast into it had not God's Providenc restrain'd it in my Case as it did in theirs The Feirceness and Teeth of the great Mastiff-Dog which had my Head in his Mouth up to the Throat was as ready and able to crush me to Death as the Lions in the Den were to crush Daniel had not the Care and Providence of Daniel's God which Restrain'd his Lions watch'd over me and restrained my Dog The Element of Water in which I was several times a Drowning and to all appearance past Recovery It was as powerful to swallow me up and to stop my Breath as it was to over-whelm and choak Pharaoh and his Host had not God restrain'd it in my Case The great Boar How strong and ready was it to rend my Bowels when on the Top of me making Search with his frightful Tushes to come to my Belly had not Divine Providence so strangely and seasonably sent the Gray-Hound in to my Rescue My Cloaths rent and carry'd away in his Tushes My Belly untouch'd Oh Amazing Providence The Two Horses mention'd in the beginning of the Book how near were they to putting a Period to my Life The one by his great Strength in throwing me and striking at my Fore-head with his Frost Nails leaving the Print of the Nails in my Cap within the thickness of Half a Crown peice to my Scull And the other by running me fo far out of Breath that no motion of Life conld be perceived in me for so long a time as caused all the Spectators to cry out he is kill'd he is gon had not the Providence of Heaven watch'd over me then where had I been When the Bloody Papists had lain in wait to Murder me in Dublin several times there being several Parties of their Soldiers appointed to way lay me to kill me of which designs I knew nothing till afterwards Who or what kept me from Ruine then but the never failing Providence of God When my Life and Reputation were both equally struck at by the Hellish Plot laid against me by that Man who instead of Hanging me would have Hang'd himself Who wrought my Escape and Deliverance from that Destroyer but the Wonder Working Providence of Jehovah Such Plots as the Two last mentioned have prov'd successful to the destroying Thousands of other Men. But me they could not reach Because I was hid in the Hollow of God's Providential Hand That Sinful Desparation and Unbelief while under the Terrours of the Law which sent Cain Judas and Innumerable Millions of Adams Reprobate Posterity to Hell the place of the Damned What hindred that it did not Fix me in the same place and condition of Misery When by the rageing power thereof I was brought so near Hell in my own apprehensions As that I look'd on my self as a free Denizon of that Place What I say kept me back from descending into that place but the Providence of God discovering and applying to me by the Saving Operation of the Holy Ghost the Almighty Saviour held forth in the Gospel OBSERVATION III. See and Learn hence How like an Absolute and unlimmited Soveraign the great God did Work in my behalf And that in behalf of my Soul as well as of my Body He who by the Ministry of Man hath by his own Blessing accompanying that his own Ordinance Converted innumerable Thousands of the Elect it pleased him Convert and Call me out of my Natural State to a State of Grace without the Ministry of Man And that both by awakening and wounding me by the Spirit of Bondage setting home by the Law the Sight and Sense of my Lost Estate And by Healing and Curing the Bleeding Wounds of my Despairing Soul by the Spirit of Adoption Discovering and Applying to me the Merit and Saving Virtue of Christ's Mediatoral Righteousness Which hath occasioned my often thinking of what is Storied of Achilles a notable Archer among the Heathen who gave such Wounds by the Arrows he Shot as no Hand but his own could Cure Vna Eademque Manus Vulnus Opemque tulit The self same Hand which gave the Wound brought the Cure How true this is of
Achilles I am uncertain but in this of the Wounding and Healing of my Soul I am not more certain of any thing in Nature than I am that the Spirit of Christ which Wounded me by the Law did also Heal me by the Gospel Job 5. 18. For he maketh Sore and Bindeth up He Woundeth and his Hands make whole OBSERVATION IV. See and Learn hence How stedfast and faithful God is to his Word of Promise When for Christ and the Gospel was forsaken and cast off by my Father and all other Fleshly Relations being turn'd out empty handed to the wide World and not knowing whether to go or what to do God took care of me and provided a Lodging and Friends for me which with the Peace of my Conscience gave me more satisfaction and comfortable content than all the Gallantry and Greatness of my Fleshly Relations Those sweet Promises Recorded in the Scriptures and made good by the Providence of God have oftentimes Refreshed and Ravish'd my pensive and weary Soul Psal 27. 10. When my Father and my Mother forsake me then the Lord will take me up Mat. 19 29. And every one that hath forsaken Houses or Brethren or Sisters or Father or Mother or Wife or Children or Lands for my Name 's sake shall Receive an Hundred fold and shall Inherit Everlasting Life Heb. 13. 5. Let your Conversation be without Covetousness and be content with such things as ye have For he hath said I will never never never never never leave thee nor forsake thee The Greek hath no less than five Negatives in this one Scripture to assure the true Believer that God will in no wise forget or forsake him I have been forsaken of my Nurse when but three Months old but I was taken into the Nursery of God's Providential Care which causes in me often to think with Comfort of that in Psal 22. 10. I was cast upon thee from the Womb thou art my God from my Mothers Belly The same Providence which took Care of the Head takes Care also of the Members I was forsaken of my Bodily Physitians But the Great Physitian of Soul and Body Cur'd me by poor Contemptible Snails I was forsaken of my Earthly Father and all Fleshly Relations But God is become by Grace and Free Adoption my Father who will never forske me Totally or Finally I was forsaken by my Brethren and Sisters But those who are the Sons and Daughters of God they are become my Brethren and Sisters And albeit many of them who know me not are on Malicious Reports prejudiced against me yet others of them who know me and Gods dealing with me they Love me dearly I have been forsaken by several of my Church Members in Ireland and England Christ my Lord and Master hath been so before me Jo. 6. 66. From that time many of his Disciples went back and walked no more with him Yet God is my God still I have been forsaken of My Brethren in the Sacred Office and left to stand alone when Popery and Quakerism were coming in like a Floud None stepping in to help or Encourage me against those Adversaries of Gods Religion But he that stood by Paul when all other Preachers in his day forsook him stood by me and emboldned me against their Threats and Malice I had Thoughts of Printing the most material Objections brought in by Satan to distress and distract a poor Sinner to keep him from Christ And how the Spirit of Grace Taught and Enabled me to Answer them all But my intended Brevity hath Prevented me therein All Glory Honour and Eternal Praise to the only Wise and Glorious God Father Son and Holy Ghost Amen Amen Postscript LEst Satan should get an Advantage by this Relation of God's strange and wonderful dealing with me in bringing me Home to Christ in such an unusual manner and his Handling me so sharply by the Spirit of Bondage As also his Bountiful dealing with me in making my Soul the Receptacle of such Ravishing Joy and unutterable Consolation upon Believing in Christ in Effectual Calling I thought it may be seasonable to give the present Caution to the Poor Doubting Tempted Believer who through Satans Subtilty Tempting will find him or her self wretchedly Prone to Conclude from what they read of my Conversion That the Work of true Conversion was never yet effectually wrought in themselves And that because they were never under such Terrible Bondage of Soul Neither ever yet were lifted up so near Heaven as I was Such Poor Tempted Believers are to consider the Particulars following for their help and relief against the Tempter in this Case First Consider That as in Nature there is a vast disparity or difference between Persons in the Natural Birth so there is as vast a difference in the Spiritual Birth Some Women go through abundantly more and sharper Pains and Throws in Travel than others meet with Some Babes meet with greater difficulties and dangers in the Birth than do others The causes whereof in Nature tho they appear not to us yet it is most certain that so it is So in Conversion some Souls pass through greater Horror and Bondage in the Consciences than others do Some are brought as it were through the very Jaws of Hell and desparation as I was others are dealt more easily and gently with Being sweetly allured and as it were insensibly Transplanted into Christ they not well knowing what is done to them Paul and the rugged Jaylor were handled more roughly their Conscience were more deeply Wounded with the frightning Terrors of God's Law set Home by the Spirit of Bondage than Lydia whose Heart the Lord opened with more gentle Touches of his Spirit Acts 9. 6. Acts 16. 15 29. That Woman who is safely Delivered without any danger or great difficulty to herself or her Babe hath no reason to question whether she be indeed Delivered because she went not through such danger and difficulty as her Neighbour did who narrowly escaped with her Life neither hath she any Cause of being Jealous with her Neighbour because her case or condition was more dangerous and desperate in Travel than was her own Thou who art brought to Christ by the gentle Drawings of the spirit of Grace and not brought so nigh to the affrightning sight of Hell And to such a Sense and feeling of the Pains of the Damned As have caused some to think themselves actually in Hell Admire at and Bless God for his Condescention towards thee in bringing thee through the New Birth so easily Secondly Consider That albeit the truth of thy Conversion be not so sensibly discern'd as the Conversion of that Person is who is brought Home in the way of Legal Terror Yet thou art bound to Bless God for the smallest measure of Grace bestowed on thee as the smallest Spark of Fire tho' it be hid under a great heap of Ashes is as truly Fire as the greatest Fire in Nature So thy small Grace which in comparison of some others Grace may be so weak and little that it can scarcely be discerned yet Grace it is tho' thou know it not to be so And he who bestowed it on thee and wrought it in thee he will never reject or neglect thee because of thy little Grace while he sees thee Constant and Diligent in the use of means Labouring to grow in Grace Esa 42. 3. Mat. 5. 6. Esa 41. 17. Phil. 1. 6. Oh! But I do not find that I am brought to Christ and which is far worse I fear I never shall To this I Answer in Two Particulars First Thy very fear about this greatest of Concerns is an Argument of thy Translation from the First Adam to the Second Adam Christ Jesus the Lord. If the Spirit of Grace had not given thee some Sight and Taste of the Excellency and Sweetness of Christ thou couldest never prize or desire after him 'T is only the Child that hath Tasted the Hony or Sugar that Longs and Crys for more Secondly If thou findest a fixt Resolution in thy Soul in going on to seek the Lord. And his Strength by Prayer and Supplication and other means of Grace not resting in or depending upon them but on Christ alone for Life and Salvation My Life for thine come Death when God Pleaseth to send it it will end all thy fears and put thee beyond the reach of all thine Enemies Thy frequent Crying to God in Prayer for Christ and Saving Grace is the Eccho of Christ Praying for thea at the Throne of Grace And thy going on and continuing to Watch at Wisdoms Gates could not possibly be without invisible Supplies of Spiritual Strength Communicated to thy Soul by the Spirit of Christ THE END
A REVIVING CORDIAL FOR A Sin-sick Despairing SOUL In the Time of TEMPTATION THE Same being an Extract of the unworthy Authors Experience of the Particular following I. The miraculous Preservation of his Bodily Life from the many Deaths and eminent dangers which threatned it while in a state of Nature II. The Method God took with him in awakening him to look into and to mind Soul concerns when about Fourteen Years of Age. III. How the Spirit of Bondage took him and what fearful Work it made in his Soul IV. How the Spirit of Adoption succeeded the Spirit of Bondage healing and binding up the deep Wounds Caused in his Soul thereby Câ—â—â— and hear all ye that fear God and I will declare that he hath done for my Soul Psal 66. 16. I will Praise thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made marvelous are thy Works and that my Soul knoweth right well Psal 139. 14. By Ja. Barry an unworthy Minister of the Gospel London Printed for the Author 1699. To his very much Respected and highly Honoured Friend Mr. Nicholas Skinner Merchant of London Worthy and Honored Sir THE laudable Character given you by some Ministers of Christ and other good Souls now I Charitably hope and believe Praising God in Glory Especially the experimental tast I my self have had of your goodness since Providence made me so happy in your Acquaintance hath Encouraged me to prefix your worthy and deserving Name to this small Tract whose design and chief tendency is to encourage poor dejected Souls under the hidings of God's Face to cast themselves on that never failing goodnss of God in Christ untill God's set time for Deliverance comes And also to stir up experienced and grown Believers to a becoming Adoration and Praising of that Adorable Name and Wonder working Providence of the Glorious and Tremendous Jehovah which hath so conspicuously appear'd in the Deliverance wrought for me his poor nothing Creature both for Soul and Body and who am to this very Day kept alive and upheld by that Divine Manutenency of his own to the great Admiration both of my self and those godly Souls who know my present Circumstances and Gods dealing with me I have been for several Years past more than ordinarily Importun'd both by godly Divines and such Zealous working Christians as your self to Publish what now I have presumed to Dedicate to so dear and well deserving a Friend as you are well known to be both to God's Truth and such as in any measure bear the Blessed Image of his Son The principal Motive of their importuning me to Publish this was the strange Influence the Relation hereof from my own Mouth had upon their own Spirits the effects whereof they were not able to hide the Tears of Joy gushing out surprizingly from their Eyes with both Eyes and Hands lifted up to Heaven wondering at and Adoreing the Wonders of God in my Case Professing and declaring that in all their time they had neither heard nor known so much of the goodness and Grace of God vouchsased to a poor lost and undon sinner as was shewn and vouchsafed to unworthy me Which occasioned several of the godly Ministers especially Mr. Noah Bryan Mr. Timothy Taylor Mr. Samuel Mather and the dear Mr. Nathaniel Mather all now with Christ to profess that they never heard of or knew any Sinner come so near to Paul as touching God's method and way of Working upon and dealing with him in and after his Conversion as I did And therefore they unanimously agreed in Judging that to Publish the same was my Duty The which they doubted not would be greatly useful and that both to Saints and Sinners on sundry accounts The sincere and upright Hearted Nathaniel Mather late of Pinners-Hall hath several times chid me for my backwardness to so necessary and useful a Work and a little before his Death he at me again about it examining into the Grounds of my backwardness herein To whom I reply'd Sir There are two things which hitherto have kept me back from Publishing this my experience and how much of Satan there may be in it I cannot determin The First is The difficulty which attends my setting down in Writing the working of the Spirit of Adoption in doscovering and applying Christ unto me the Remembrance whereof doth so swallow me up and melt me that I am not able to see my Paper for the Tears of Joy which obstruct my Visive Faculty To which he Reply'd that it was pitty any thing should hinder me in so good and useful a Work The Second is the fear Lodg'd within me of Peoples not Crediting the Relation I shall give hereof in case it were Printed For said I the greatest part of Professors are so great strangers to the nature of true Regeneration especially when wrought in a Sinner in the way and method God took with me that they will rather suspect and question the truth of what I relate than Praise God or improve the same for their own good or Spiritual advantage for the same To which Reply was made That Satan was always ready to obstruct any good Work which hath the least tendency to God's Praise or the good of Souls Since his departure the fresh Remembrance of the Importunities of the Worthies above Named together with the repeated Solicitations of several godly zealous Christians yet living have prevailed with me to beat my way through those Difficulties which lay before me leaving the Issue of my present undertaking to the powerful Providence of God to make the same successful in what it is designed for And begging most heartily your Pardon for the method I have taken in acknowledging the great Kindness and Respect shewen by your Religious and truly Generous self to the meanest and most unworthy of Christ's Dispised Ambassadours the which I doubt not you will find Recorded in Heaven by my Lord and Master as an evident proof of your Faith in and unfeigned Love to Him and his Cause and Interest here on Earth Let not Dear Sir the disadvantages under which I lye on account of the slanderous Reproaches heaped on me by malicious Spirits lessen your hope of the glorious Recompence of Reward promised by him that cannot lye to all your Works and Labours of Love exprest to me and others of Gods Children for the Sake of Christ He that will take notice of a cup of Cold Water given to a Disciple in the Name of his Disciple will I question not Record in Heaven the refreshing Wine I have drank at your Table more than once and the Silver and Gold sent me and given me by your self whereby both I and my distressed Family have been kept from sinking into the Dust And albeit I should at the great day of Judgment appear to be a Cast away from Christ of which through Infinite Grace I am no more afraid than I am afraid that God can cease to be what he is Yet your Integrity and Uprightness in what you
rate that my little Body waxed very big and mishapen my Bâ—lly was as big as an ordinary Tubb or Drum My Legs no way able to bear or carry my Distemper'd body Thus was I a burthen not only to others but also to my self untill it pleased God to check and controul the Humors and Distempers in my Body which else had Checkt me into the Dust The means of my Recovery was as followeth viz. On a certain Day as I was in the Arms of a Maid Servant whose only Work it was to attend on and Minister unto me I beheld on the ground before the Door some speckled Shell Snails which dropt out of the Load of Furze that came to the Door these Snailes I Cry'd to have them the Maid willing â—a gratify my desire pickt up as many as she could see of them with these I pleased my Fancy playing with them till weary After which I motioned to put the Snails into the Fire and after a little while when I apprehended they were Rosted I cryed to have them again the Maid and all others that beheld me wondred greatly what I designed to do with them no sooner had I clear'd them from the Shells but to the great amazement of the Spectators I fell to Eat them and to such satisfaction that having once tasted of them I could not for some considerable time be prevailed with to Eat any other Meat except Snails This new Diet to which neither entreaty nor yet example of any Mortal mov'd me did by the Blessing of God prove both Food and Physick for by them I was to the great astonishment of them who knew me greatly nourished and apparently advantaged in point of Health For in a short time after I had taker to Eating Snails the Swelling of my Body asswaged and the use of my Limbs I recovered As I began with this new Diet so I continued untill I was perfectly cured to the great admiration and wonderment of all sorts who both saw and heard of my Practice herein Many both Friends and strangers did come from City and Country to see and hear of me hearing the strangeness and rareness of my case Among these were my Physitians who formerly gave me up for a dead Child they at the first hearing of my being in a hopefull way of Recovery could not credit the News till hearing it with great Confidence affirmed they set a time for coming to my Fathers to see and enquire whether what was storied about my Recovery were true they finding it so both by their seeing and handling my Body as also the information they received from my Parents concerning the means of my cure together with the manner of my making use of such means of my own accord They exceedingly admired at it concluding with one accord that it was immediately from the Spirit of God and was certainly Miraculous This account I had from my Friends and Relations who were both Eye and Ear Witnesses of what I have here Related But least any should doubt the truth of this Relation I shall briefly add Two things which fully satisfies my own Soul of the truth hereof The first is The perfect Remembrance I have of my Eating Snails frequently when a little one The second is The frequentness of the Scorns and Mocks wherewith I have met even from my own since our difference about Religion who when discoursing about my leaving the Church have many times and often hit me in the Teeth by way of Reproach with what I was when an Infant How that I was cast out on a Dung-hill and afterwards nailed up in a Coffin my Grave made and a carrying away to be Buried And alass The greatest grief of all was that I was not at that time Buried alive rather than I should live to be a Phanatick and on that account such a stain and blemish to the whole Family There never having been a Phanatick of the Family before me And thus I have as briefly as I could given an Impartial Account of the first strange Deliverance wrought for me by the Holy and All-Working Providence of God The Second escape from Death when a Babe was as follows Being one Night fast a sleep in Bed the Maid who tended me and constantly lay by me neglecting to Extinguish her Candle when she lay down the Candlestick being so placed by the Maid that the Candle burning down near the Socket or by some accidental motion of hers when asleep throwing the Candle down into the Bed the Sheets and other Bed-Cloaths took Fire which prevailed so far that the Bed Sheets Rugg and Mat were spoiled and unfit for use afterwards The Maid and I fast asleep both insensible of the apparent danger we were in It pleased God that my Father being awakned in Bed smelt the scent of burning which was so hot in his Nose that he feared danger by Fire it being in the dead of the Night The whole Family Buried in Sleep except himself he could not rest but gets up in his naked Shirt goes from Chamber to Chamber to search out where the Fire should be and coming at length to the Chamber where I lay he finds the Room all in a Smother the Bed and Cloths all on Fire and the Maid and I fast asleep The first thing that my Father did was to snatch me out of Bed and by the suddenness of the wakening me out of Sleep and seeing the Fire I was frighted and began to Cry my Father fearing least harm should thence ensue to my Mother who was at that very time near the time of Travel he claps his Hand on my Mouth and in his Arms carries me out to the Mault House very near the house where lay a Family of English People who managed the Mault House he throws me hastily into Bed to them charging them to keep me warm and to quiet me Having thus secured me he forthwith returns to the Fire where he found the Maid still fast a Sleep and by all he could do he could not awake her untill the Fire Burning her Flesh she at length starts up and in an amazing Surprize seeing her self compast with Fire and missing me in the Bed and finding my Father be-labouring himself in quenching the Fire she begins to raise the shout my Father presently stops her Mouth and made her sensible how things were and that the Child was safe and being come to her self she arose and helped my Father to put out the Fire that no farther harm was done Now how near I was to Death I leave every sober Reader to Judge A Third Deliverance wrought for me by Divine Providence was his saving me from perrishing by a Dog The manner whereof was thus One Morning standing besides a Table in the Common-Hall where a Gentleman who was Caterer to my Fathers Family was at Breakfast in order to a going to Market to Buy Provision for the House I perfectly Remember the Meat he had was Butter'd Fish I expecting and
by an Irish Papist Witness for but one poor Quart of Ale against me at the Assizes held in the County where he and I Lived God knows I no more knew any thing of what he Charged against me in his Civil Bill then I knew of the Three Pound Fifteen Shillings for which he designed to Arraign me But so it was that upon the Evidence possitively Swearing a Decree was Granted for Seven Pound which was the Sum mentioned in his Bill The Decree contrary to promise being on a sudden while I was from Home about Business Executed Seven Prime Milch Cows of my Stock where taken away and in half an Hours time Appraised and Sold for Seven Pounds tho' the Cows in the Judgment of all that knew them and who understood Cattel were really worth Thirty Pounds between Brother and Brother And thus it pleased God in the Wonder working Providence of his to break these Nets which the Devil by his Instruments laid not only for my Life but also for my Credit and Reputation I do not in the least doubt but the great Advantage which the Devil proposed to himself by putting those Miscreants on Work to bring my Name and Person into the blackest Contempt was to overthrow the efficacy of my Ministry when I should be thereto called For the Devil knew very well how importunate Godly Ministers and others were with me to take on me that great Work of the Ministry And sore guesses no doubt he had how greatly I should be Employ'd in disturbing his Kingdom being in a great measure made acquainted with his Lion and Fox like Devices several Years before I was prevailed with to adventure on so Great and Sacred a Work Many more Strange Deliverances hath the Providence of God wrought for me his Poor unworthy Creature The which I am Necessitated to Omit fearing my Book should Swell to too great a Bulk I heartily wish that both my self and others who Read what I have Faithfully and Impartially Related of the Wonders of Divine Providence towards me might be so rightly Affected with what I have Related as to give God the Glory and Praise of his own Works And be by Reading these things stirr'd up and Encouraged for ever to trust in that Adorable Providence of Heaven which never fails them who belong to Christ CHAP. II. An Account of God's Woderful Dealings with me about the Concerns of my Soul some Years before the Spirit of Bondage took me WHen I was between Fourteen and Fifteen Years of Age or thereabouts as near as I can Remember the Lord was pleased to dart some beginnings of Convictions into my Soul Which was after this manner One Lord's Day as I was in the Height of Vigour in Profaning God's Holy Day with the Rude and Ignorant Papists there was darted into my Conscience like an affrightning flash of Lightening from above this Apprehension and Thought Viz. That I must be either Converted or else sent to Hell to be Damned This Arrow being Shot out of his Bow who never misseth the Mark at which he Shoots took up its Lodging within me But what to make of it or what the meaning of it should be I was as far to seek as a Beast so Ignorant and Bruitish was I the Lord knows But though I knew not from whence it came or what its Tendency would be yet being a Messenger from God it maintained its Ground stuck close by me accompanied me whereever I went putting me sometimes into a Sweat sometimes into inward Shiverings of Soul sometimes into distracting and perplexing Cogitations and Thoughts what it should be Be sent to Hell think I Lord What 's that And be Damn'd Bless me think I What 's this to be Damn'd Dear Reader Believe me I had Read in Scripture the Words Hell and Damn'd with the term Converted But no more did I understand the Sense or the meaning of the one or the other of those three Words than a Beast At length I began in my Thoughts to fix on something what this strange thing should be or mean And the Result came to this I did Conceive and strongly Apprehend that Hell and Damn'd were some ugly frightful and dangerous thing to the which should I be brought I should be a sad and undone Creature for ever As for the other viz. Converted I did verily think it meant no more than the leaving off or ceasing from those Mad and Youthful Pranks of Prophaning the Sunday as I then called the Lord's Day with several other Immoralities to which I been exceedingly and wretchedly adicted and in the stead or room of those vain and wretched Practises to fall upon a serious and sober Living Both of which I fully concluded lay within the compass of my own Free-Will and Natural Power to effect Accordingly I fell to Work Deserting and throwing off both my Wicked Companions and also my dearly beloved Sports and sinful Pastimes To the Bible and Practice of Piety a Book I dearly Lov'd I Adrest my self with all Imaginable Devotion and Seriousness And being fully resolved on a thorow Work of Conversion that so I might shun and escape Hell and being Damn'd I became very Bookish Looking into almost every Book where ever I came to try whether I could meet with any help which might forward me in my new Trade of Religion Among other Books wherewith I met Mr. Baxter's Call to the Vn-Converted came into my Hands the which I did no sooner open but its Title Page invited my Fancy to make choice of it for my chief Companion the which I also did Blessing my self in that Book more than with any other wherewith I had met the more and oftener I Read it the more was I Enamor'd with it even to a preferring it before Gods own Sacred Book So suited was it to the Purpose I had then Engaged in viz. to Work out of my self and in my own Strength that great Work of Conversion To my course of Reading and Praying by those Forms of Prayer in the Common-Prayer-Book and Practice of Piety I joined very strict and severe Fasting Taking up a Resolution that I would in a most Solemn manner observe two Days in every Week viz. Wednesday and Friday for my Fasting Days The which I also did even to such a degree of Pharisaicall severity that I almost rendred my Body unfit for any Service But Converted I must be and Converted I was Resolved to be whatever it cost me in order whereto I kept my Religious doings of Duty both Negatively and Positively with such a Constant and Zealous elaborateness that I verily believe it would be hard to find one among the Romish Monks who could in all respects match me or out do me at the Trade of Serving God in that way I fell in with It can hardly be told much less believed how great Zeal I had for God and how restless my Active and Working Spirit was to be with him in Heaven Tho' I neither knew God according
twine Thread over Hells Mouth Roared out as if my Bowels had burst out of my Body Crying with great and unutterable Groans and Tears My good Lord Dear my Lord I am afraid I am an undone Creature I am a Damn'd Man there is no Mercy for me My Lord perceiving by my Looks and Speech that I was in good earnest wounded with Tears in his Eyes and with the greatest concernedness for me began to play the Spiritual Physitian asking me with great earnestness what gross and crying Sins as Adultery Murther and the like could one of my Years be guilty of as to occasion my falling into Despair of Mercy And said my Lord admit you were guilty of such and greater abominations what Reason have you for Despaire you must know that Jesus Christ the Son of God came into the World not to lay a Load on you but to take your Load off you Quoting Mat. 11. 29. Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy Laden and I will give you Rest With many other Texts of Scriptures and comfortable Expressions he laboured to Relieve and Ease my burthened and sinking Soul but all in vain God's time of curing my deep and desperate Wound being not come As touching my purpose of going into the Country My Lord told me I might use my freedom but that his Judgment and Advice was that it were better for me to stay than to go into the Country and that because of the great Disadvantage which by going would accrew to me in my Studies My Lord having declared his Judgment what had been best for me to do I told his Lordship I was resolved to take his Advice what ever came of me and accordingly I did My Sore continually raw Day and Night and ceased not Yea my Soul refused to be Comforted According to that of the Psalmist in the like Case Psal 77. 2. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord my Sore ran in the Night and ceased not My Sould refused to be Comforted I seemed to follow and to ply my Studies rather for Fashion sake and for fear my Lord and my Father should suspect that I Loved Idleness rather than any Love I had thereto or hopes that ever it would turn to any Account for good to my self or others When at any time I look'd into a Book instead of heeding or minding what was in the Book the Eye of my gnawing guilty Conscience was fixed on the many Sins I had committed against God insomuch that all the Sins of my Youth were in all their black and aggravating Circumstances laid and held before me as a Looking-Glass to shew me what a monstrous Sinner I was According to that of David Psal 51. 3. For I acknowledge my Transgressions and my Sin is ever before me Endless were the Tossings and Rowlings of my weary Soul from one sad confusion and despairing Thought to another Innumerable almost were the sorry Prayers such as they were and other Duties which I daily Performed to Keep and Relieve my Despairing Soul with but all in vain Which caused me to conclude that I had been much wanting in the Trade of Works and that had I not been so I might have been acquainted with Peace and Comfort before now To the Trade of doing I again addrest my self resolving not to omit or leave undone any thing which I understood by Reading or Hearing to be matter of Duty Praying understand by the Book for I knew no better Reading Fasting and attending the most lively Preachers frequenting Sacraments giving Alms to the Poor of what Money my Lord and other Relations Handed out to me That Place in Dan. 4. 7. was oft in my Thoughts according to which I gave away whatever I got yea so addicted to Relieve the Poor and Needy was I that I would give away my very Apparel when I had no Money And all this from a Pharisaical and Superstitious conceit that by those Acts of Duty and Service I should Recompence God for those Sins which like a Mill-stone on the Back of a Man were sinking my Soul into the Gulph of Desparation I did abound more and more in Strict and Circumspect Walking according to do and Live the Condition and Tenure of the first Covenant of Works under which I was Labouring for Life The more I wrought at the Trade of Duty the further I found my self from Peace which did cause me to Conclude that my Case was certainly desperate and that it was peculiarly my own and that none that belong'd to God was ever in such a condition as I found my self to be in I then renewed my old practice of going to Ministers acquainting them with the deplorable and wretched State and Condition I was in and earnestly begg'd their Advice and Council what one in my sad Circumstances had best to do in order if it were possible to escape Eternal Damnation Oh! that killing Word Damnation When ever I Heard Read or Thought of it how did it Rack and Torment my Spirit As fearing it would be my Portion for ever As the Principle from which I Acted in order to healing and cure was Do and Live So those Spiritual Physitians to whom I Addrest my self for Council and Comfort in this Despair of Soul being as ignorant in the Mistery of the New Birth as ever was Nicodemus Joh. 3. 4. They put me on doing those Duties in and about which I had Laboured before even to weariness The Names of those Dignitaries of the Church to whom I Applied my self together with what their sayings were are too Tedious to Relate and therefore I here pass them by Only I think fit to Acquaint the Reader with the great and superlative Ingenuity and dexterous Skilfulness in healing a Sin-sick Soul which one of them above the rest had attain'd to to his Everlasting Fame be it Spoken The Thing is thus After I had acquainted the Bishop for of no lower a Degree was he with the sad and lamentable Condition my Soul was in but he forthwith exhorts me to get a Book Stil'd The whole Duty of Man and when I had got it I should come to him for further Instructions The Book I forthwith procured and to his Lord Bishop I repair'd who finding that I had got the Book Takes it out of my Hand and turning to a Prayer appointed for one of the Nights in the Week with great earnestness charged me that when I was ready to go to Bed that I be sure to kneel down by my Bed-side and say that Prayer the which was done according to his Lordships Directions But to how great purpose I leave the Judicious and Experienced Christian to Judge Having thus applied my self to seven or eight of the Ablest and most Fam'd of the Fathers and Dignitaries of the Church of England then in Dublin and finding by woful and sad Experience how little they understood my Case and how vastly short they prov'd in helping me in my Extremity I concluded my
making to a Window looking into a pleasant Garden I leaned on the Window with my Elbows and so bore up my Body from falling which otherwise had undoubtedly sunk down under its present Load and Weight occasioned by that Temptation Remaining for some little space in a horrible Trembling and amazing Consternation of Spirit I looking out into the Garden began began to consider and Reason with my self thus How came these Trees to grow thus orderly in this place Who Rear'd or Built these Sumptuous Buildings Surely not themselves why then think I if not themselvess then of necessity they must Spring from some Cause Higher and more Noble than themselves viz Man Then from the Consideration of the Trees and the Buildings I began to Exercise my thoughts about Man and other Living Creatures thinking thus And how came Man and these other Living Creatures to have a Being surely think I they could neither Form nor Quicken themselves and if so then of necessity there must be some Cause of their Being and Living which is Higher and more Excellent than they which can thinks my Reason be no other but an Infinitely Glorious God And this said Reason in me might be Evinced not only by considering the Particulars already mentioned but by considering the Frame of the World and the strange Preservation of all things therein and the wonderful Government of the Second Causes wherewith the World abounds These and sundry others of the like Arguments proved so Strong and Nervous to convince me that of necessity there must be a God that that Temtation vanish'd The Devil perceiving himself foil'd in this attempt he sets furiously on me with Blasphemous Thoughts Representing God in such vile shapes and hideous and base Ideas to my Mind that were I to undergo the utmost of Misery that Creatures are capable of Inflicting or I capable of Suffering I do humbly hope in Christ's Strength I should unspeakably choose rather to be Rack'd to Death than but once to Name them so vile hideous and horrible were they Proceeding rather from the Enraged and Revengeful Malice of the Devil against the Majesty of God than from the Corruption and Pravity of Nature These things I do but glance or touch at not from any delight I take in the Remembrance of them But rather for the Relief of some poor Tempted Despairing Soul who probably may be conflicting with the same Fiery Assaults concluding within themselves as I often did that none belonging to God could ever be possess'd with such black and dismal Thoughts Oh! the gastliness and fearful Tremblings Oh! the Sweats and Weariness of my very Life which these Satanical Injections caused in me a sure and convincing Argument they were immediately from the Devil and none else The Sins flowing from the Pravity of Nature being commonly rather Pleasing and Delightful than Amazing and Terrifying to Nature In this sad Condition I continued so long till my very Animal Spirits were even drunk up and the Radical moisture of my Body wasted by that Burning Inflammation which I sensibly felt invade and possess my Body The pittiful and deplorable State I was in both in respect of my Soul which I found was Invaded by the Terrors of God for the breach of his Royal Law and as I verily concluded given up to Satan by God in a Judicial way to be possess'd by him As also in respect of my Body in which the sad Symptoms of my approaching Doom did as I verily thought hourly appear such as the growing and encreasing of that Burning Inflammation already mentioned Decay of my Sight which necessitated the use of Spectacles at the Age of 25 Years the loss of my Smelling and Tasting for about three Months with a great decay of my Hearing So gastly a sight was I to behold that I became a Spectacle of wonderment to all the Family where I Liv'd some concluding that I was Starved by my frequent Fastings others verily concluding that Spirits haunted me which caused in me such gastly looks and caused my Body to bend and bow towards Crookedness so heavy and Insupportable was the Load I lay under CHAP. IV. Discovering how the Spirit of Adoption Succeeded the spirit of Bondage And what Glorious effects ensued thereupon THE last Day of my Bondage State when I look'd for nothing but a going down to the nethermost Hell In the unconceiveable Horror and amazing Consternation of my Spirit there was a place of Scripture which run in my Thoughts from Morning to Bed-time The Place of Scripture was Esa 43. 25. I even I am he that Blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Remember thy Sins This Scripture got such hold of my Mind and Thoughts that albeit I no more understood the Sense or meaning of the Spirit of God in it or how it came into my Mind that Day than a Pagan that never knew any thing of the True God I could not possibly keep my Thoughts fixt on any thing all the Day but on that very Scripture Rolling and Tumbling the bare Words in my thoughts incessantly thus I even I am he that blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Rememberthy Sins I even I am he that blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Remember thy Sins And so all the Day till Bed-Time I was somewhat astonished at the Change which I found in my self in reference to my Thoughts about the Scriptures for whereas before during the State of my Spiritual Bondage which was between three and four Years I could think of no Scriptures but such as Treated of Damnation of Falling away and of Sinning against the Holy Ghost always applying the same to my self desperately concluding that my own Doom was in those Terrible Scriptures set forth and discovered I that Day forgot those Terrifying Scriptures and could as I said think of nothing but that Place in Esa 43. 25 above mentioned And that without the least apprehension what the Sence of the Spirit in these Words should be or how or wherefore that Scripture should make such a forceable entry on my Mind and Thoughts as to Eject and Banish from my Thoughts and Remembrance the other Terrible Scriptures By the wrong Application of which my State and Condition became as to my own Sense and Thoughts equal to that of the Damned At Night after my Lord had Supped and while the inferiour of the Family were Actually at Supper I stole my opportunity Resolving in my self that none should know where I was or suspect what I was about up Stairs I got without a Candle the Night being Moon-Shine I was all of a Sweat and a strange Horrour fell on me occasioned by the Conceit and Apprehension I had that the Devil accompanied me as a Man up Stairs whose Steppings along with mine I strongly imagined I heard which caused me to keep my Eyes closed for fear I should see the Devil in a visible Shape While I was unlocking
the Chamber Door I found the Horror and Fright under which I Laboured greatly to encrease the Devil suggesting that he would either pull me back from entring into the Chamber or else that he would enter along with me to hinder or distract me in my intended Devotion All this while the place of Scripture above mentioned ran still in my Thoughts as before Being entred into my Chamber all in a Sweat and unusual Consternation of Spirit I stood before the Bed-side where I used to kneel in Praying and with my Eyes closed as I was taking my self to Task endeavouring to Recollect my Memory where I had been all that Day With what Company I had Convers'd What Duties I had knowingly omitted And what Immoralities I had any ways consented to All on a sudden I found the Eyes of my Understanding so clearly Enlightned that I was enabled to know and understand the meaning of that Place of Scripture which run all that Day in my Thoughts A Scripture than which The whole Book of God could not afford a more suitable Text for the design therein which was to debase the Creature and to Extol and to Advance the Grace and Mercy of the Most High Jehovah who alone Excluding all others is God over all Blessed for Evermore I was from the time of my first awakening as above mentioned possess'd of an Opinion that Conversion consisted in an External or outward Reformation of the Life and that it was in the Power of the Creature to effect the same And that by Repenting of the by-past Follies of Youth and by a Strenuous and Zealous Constancy in walking strictly according to the Precepts of the Moral Law both negatively and possitively for the time to come I was then under the Predominancy of a legal Spirit and acting under the Covenant of Works looking with the Bond-Womans Children for Justification and Life Eternal in the way of Works Reckoning it the only sure and safe way to expect Salvation by performing the Conditinal Covenant of Works and abounding in such personal Qulifications as might render me acceptable to God Of which I have often thought I had as great measure as any he I knew Living I shall not Insist on the Particulars of those Inherent Qualifications wherein I am apt to believe I did match if not out strip the strictest Moralist I know who is yet in his Natural State In short I was exceeding Zealous in the Law not in the least understanding the Spiritual meaning thereof or how miserably wretched I was by reason of its Condemning Sentence against not only my worst but also against my most Refined Acts of Morality I did then as too to many do at this Day of Gospel Light viz. set up the Letter of the Law in opposition to the Spirit of the Law But so it pleased God that by his enabling me to understand the Mind of his Spirit in that Text I soon became convinced that I had taken wrong Methods in order to get from under the Laws Curse and to have a Settled Peace in my self The Course I had taken for Relieving my wounded and sinking Spirit I perceived to be directly contrary to the Gospel way of saveing lost Sinners I was all for Doing and Working and the more Works I did the farther I found my self from true Peace and Comfort My Chief and only Work now was Believing in the Son of God in whom alone that Righteousness is to be found which Reconciles a Sinner to an offended God From that Text above mentioned the Covenant of God's Free Grace in Christ was Explained and laid open before the Eyes of my Enlightned Understanding the Terms whereof I found were as far wide of or contrary to the way to which the Covenant of Works directs for attaining Life Eternal as the East is from the West or as Heaven is from Hell The Work of the Spirit in discovering Christ to me from that Text and his drawing me to close with Christ so discovered was so ful of amazing and astonishing Wonderment and surprizing Ravishment of Soul that I am no mroe able to Express or Relate the same than I am able to find out the Dimensions of the Sun or to give an exact account of the Number of the Stars There was held as it were a Court of Enquiry in my Soul The Holy Ghost which before was the Spirit of Bondage wounding and killing me by the Terrible Sentence of the Law He is become the Spirit of Adoption to Consummate a Sweet and Blessed Marriage between the Lord Jesus Christ God's only Son by Eternal and Ineffable Generation and a poor lost and undone Prodigal who as Adam's Child was Born Heir of the Curse Partaker of a Nature as Vile and Poluted as Hell it self could make it and whose Case and Condition in respect of inward Horrour and Despair of Soul differed but little at least as I thought and believed from that of the Damned in Hell Six Things this Blessed Spirit of Adoption did effect in order to Consummate this Match First He discovered and made known to me who the Lord Jesus held forth in the Gospel was from whence he came and to what end the Father sent him Secondly He made plain Discoveries to me of Christ's Almightiness to Save and Reconcile to God the worst and most wretched of Sinners and that the Righteousness which he as Mediator between God and Sinners hath wrought is the alone Righteousness by which a Sinner is to be Saved And that in a way of Believing though not for Believing that God for the sake and merrit of his Sons obedience to the Law both Active and Passive doth Frankly and Freely Pardon and Forgive the Poor Rebels Transgressions committed against the Moral Law as if he had never committed them and accounting the whole of that Righteousness of Christ both Active and Passive as truly the Sinners as if the Sinner had Personally performed the same himself and that in a way of free Imputation Thirdly He perswaded my Heart that God the Father against whose Law I had Sinned and whose Anger and Curse for the same I fear'd was really willing and desirous that I should be Reconciled to himself by the Virtue of his Sons Mediation and that by my betaking my self to him and casting my weary and sinking Soul on him to be introduced into his Presence and by his Spotless Comeliness put on me I might be made Amiable and Acceptable in his Sight Fourthly He Discovered to me and Perswaded my Hearts of the Full and Compleat Provision made by God and made known in the Covenant of Grace for the making Compleatly and Eternally Happy those Souls who are by Christ his Son Believed and Relied on for Salvation Reconciled to his Majesty In Respect of these and the like Discoveries which the Holy Ghost makes to the Elect in effectual Calling And between that and their Arriving at Glory he is Stiled the Spirit of Manifestation and of Revelation 1 Cor. 12.
Honour If thou tread in those Steps of Christ which leads to the Heavenly Glory He went to Heaven Antipodes to this vain World wherein thou art So must thou if thou desirest to meet him in Heaven Thou must expect and look to have all the World set against thee for thy Witnessing to the Truth and condemning the Errors and Wickedness of the World Thou must expect and look to be Cast off by Father and all Fleshly Relations for his and the Gospels sake Thou wilt for following Christ in the ways of Holiness be accounted an Hypocrite a self conceited and a self Justifying Precisian and proud Pharisee and that by the greatest Pharisees of the Times The Powers of Darkness will all Combine against thee to Besiege and Fight against thee And yea the very Face of Providence shall seem to Frown and look black on thee to try whether thou wilt stick faithfully to Christ and the Gospel And finally If God call thee to leave all and rather to lay down thy Life than to leave and lose Christ Thou must Trample them all under thy Feet preferring Christ before Father Mother Brethren Wife and Children tho never so Dearly Belov'd yea and thy very Life too What sayest thou to this Sinner wilt thou venture on having or taking Christ on these Terms Sin Ans For ever Blessed and Holy Lord God! Thou knowest how hard this Task is for Flesh and Blood and not only hard but even Impossible yet considering the absolute Necessity of the Choice now laid before me and in regard of that Divine Power whereby I find my Heart made willing to make Choice of Christ on the Terms now mentioned I desire to Choose and have him let God do with me and all that is Dear to me what he Pleaseth so he give me his Christ I am so apprehensive of the Sweet and Soul Enriching Advantages which accompany the Cross that I am very unwilling to be Exempted from it if I may have my own Choice I therefore through the Divine Spirits Gracious Power enabling me hereto do yield my free and full consent to this matchless Match Casting my self on him when actually Married to him in a way of humble dependance for Strength and Power to Act and Suffer a in way of Duty whatever becomes his Disciple and Follower And oh that God above with Christ and the Holy Ghost might say Amen to it Matters being thus Proposed by the Holy Ghost and I the worst and most unworthy of Sinners to be Saved being endued with Power from him to close with the Proposals made I immediately felt my whole Heart and Soul quickned within me and drawn out to an effectual closing with Christ in the offers of the Gospel Like a Ship sticking in the Sand which no Strenght or Art of Men can set a Float till the full Spring Tide come and set her a Float carrying her forth into the Broad Ocean The quickening Virtue of the Holy Ghost and the Attracting Power of the Lord Jesus drew me to believe in him My Soul Crying out with a silent and a still Voice my Lord and my God thou art mine to Save me and I am thine to Serve thee Hereupon I felt as it were another Spirit put into me whereby I was enabled to understand and know the design of the great God in causing so great a Change to pass upon me The Holy Ghost within me Witnessing to his own Work now wrought in my Soul And Sealing me to the Day of Redemption in Believing I felt a Torrent of unspeakable Joy come from above flowing in upon me in such manner and measure as I believe no Saint or Angel in Heaven can set forth or express as I felt it Hereupon I fell into an Holy Extasie and Divine Rapture of unexpressible Joy with these Thoughts and Expressions within my self Oh! What a Change is this which I now sensibly feel A Dead Sinner brought to Life again a Rebel and a Fugitive from God brought Home and Reconciled by the Blood of the Lamb. A Prisoner and a Captive held so long under the killing Terrors of the Law and unmerciful Usurpations and Infernal Assaults of the Powers of Darkness set Free and Manumitted by the Deliverer of Gods Elect. An undone forlorn Sinner shut up under the Power of Vnbelief who a while since would shun and fly from God if he knew how for fear of his Frowns and the Curse due for the breach of his Law Now ready to shoot himself into Heaven and Whimper and Cry like a Child till he be Lodged in the Bosom of God's Love Oh! My Soul Who could have thought of this When the Irons of the Laws Severity had pierced thee so deeply And when the Apprehensions lodg'd in thee of thy being a Reprobate and forsaken of God deliver'd thee up to Desparation The very Portal or Entrance into Hell it self Where am I What is the Matter What am I doing What such a one as I Saved Is it possible Can it be Am I not under a Satanical Dream or Delusion Lord help me to know if it be a Delusion and undeceive me Here I was at a stand for but a little space it was occasioned by my calling to Mind what a deceitful Enemy the Devil is and how near he can go in imitating the Spirit of God in causing flashes of Joy in the Soul of an Awakened Sinner And thinking at the same time whether mine was not so The Spirit of Adoption who began his Good and Blessed Work in my Soul did not leave me in this Cloud But by his own Elucidating and Heart Searching Virtue and Power brings to my Thoughts and Consideration all the Objections which either Devil or Carnal Reason could possibly make against my being Saved by Christ and by manifesting the Fathers Decree and Purpose concerning me in Eternity And laying open the Nature and Design of the Covenant of Grace And the every way Alsufficiency of the Lord Jesus to go through with the Work he hath undertaken for me He fully Answered all Objections and Confuted the False and Sophistial Reasonings brought in by Satan and Corrupt Reason against my being Saved As he most Powerfully convinced me of Sin And the misery which thereby I brought upon my self And that when he became a Spirit of Bondage to fit me for the Great Physitian So likewise now he is become a Spirit of Adoption he as Powerfully convinced me of that Spotless and Everlasting Righteousness of the Mediator God-Man by and for which I was Justified in the Person of my Surety when at his Resurrection God the Father Justified and Acquitted him from all charge of Sin whereto he became liable and obnoxious when he Struck Hands with the Father as a Surety for me and the rest of the Elect. The Twelve Things here following he Particularly assured me of and that as fully and sensibly as ever I was sensible that I saw Natural Light or Darkness 1. He assured me that
Felicity When at any time I heard them talk boastingly of the Honour and Credit of the Family I could not forbear expressing my Contempt of the same Telling them to their very Face that the Blood of Jesus not the Blood of my Progenitors according to the Flesh was that which made me Noble and truly Honourable And that he or she who were advanced to the Highest Degree of Honour whereto an Earthly King could possibly advance and were not wash'd in the Lambs Blood the Higher their Honour and Greatness is the greater and more Intollerable would be the Doom and Condemnaton of such when by Death they go hence Now I began to disrelish and discover what small èsteem I had of the Liturgy and Ceremonies of the Church of which I had formerly been so extreamly Zealous Three Things chiefly occasioned this First The apprehension I had of the Purity and Holiness of God's Nature which requires a Worship suited to his own Pure and Spiritual Being according to that in Joh. 4. 24. Secondly I Considered that no Worship could possibly find acceptance with God but such a Worship as is stamp'd with God's own Institution which I was then apprehensive and am now more fully convinced the Liturgy and Ceremonies of the Church are not the same being Devised by Men and Imposed by Human Authority without any the least Warrant from the Word of God According to Esa 8. 20. Esa 29. 13. Mat. 15. 8. 9. Thirdly The sad Experience I had of the uusuitableness of such a Worship to an Awakened and a Renewed Soul while I was in a Natural State Ignorant of God and the Nature of my Soul and things truly Spiritual I was exceeding Zealous in doing and Performing that Service which now I find is of little avail either to a Pleasing God or profiting an awakened Conscience The Spirit of God having in effectual Calling Taught and Convinced me that no Worship or Ordinance in Religion can be Food to Nourish and Satisfy a Hungry Soul But such Worship as is Instituted by and suited to Please God God will be found Savingly of none but those who seek him in the Ways of his own Institutions According to Prov. 8. 32. 1 Pet. 2. 2. Soon after this The Care and Providence of Christ my Chief Sheppard directed me to attend the Ministry of Mr. Samuel Mather with whom I afterwards sate down in full Communion to my Souls great Comfort and Edification in the Knowledge of Christ Notice being taken in the Family where I lived that I discontinued going to the Cathedral Worship the which I commonly attended with a more than ordinary Zeal sometimes three times and sometimes four times in the same Day And that I was not seen at the Parish Church on Sabbath Days or at the Sacrament as I used to do the Eyes of mine Observers were upon me to watch me what ways I took in Religion Innumerable were the Taunts and Scoffs cast on that way of Worship which I had Espoused and closed with thorough all which I was carried with invincible Courage Many and sharp were the Combates wherewith I Encountered from my own Relations especially the Lord of Santry in whose Family I then liv'd and my Father his Brother who by their Authority over me and the greatness of their Learning and Parts between which and mine there was no more compare than between the Sun and a little twinkling Star did frequently attack me to bring me back to the forsaken Chruch of England but all in vain One time above all others my Lord observing that I absented not only the publick Worship but that of his Family also sent up his Secretary another Brother's Son to call me to Prayer in the Family on Night My Cousin delivering my Lords Command I reply'd that I was under some Indisposition and therefore Pray'd my Cousin to excuse me to my Lord down he goes and no sooner had he delivered my Answer but up he comes again with the same Message from my Lord. I threw him off the Second time with the same Excuse alledging that I could not come This Answer brought to my Lord the Second time He in a great Rage sends up my Cousin with a Peremptory Command that I must come to Prayer my Cousin stood some considerable time expecting that I would Answer my Lords Peremptory Command but my Answer was that seeing my Lord had so plainly imposed on my Conscience in Commanding me to Act against my Conscience I thought it was my Duty to declare that untill I better understood it to be my Duty to Obey his Lordship in a thing of this Nature than as yet I did I neither could nor would go to joyn in Prayer with the Family This Reply coming to my Lord's Ear he let me alone for that Night The next Day my Lord took me to Task Examining very strictly and Demanding of me a Reason wherefore I came not to Prayer with the Family seeing they never used the Common-Prayer in the Family To whom I made this Reply My Lord It is not from any Aversion I have to Prayer that keeps me Back from coming to Prayer with the Family But the great Dissatisfaction Lodged in my Conscience For my Lord said I should I under my present Light and Conviction go on my Knees to joyn in such a Service where God is so notoriously Dishonoured and his Glorious Name so greatly Profan'd my Conscience would like a Flame of Fire fly in my Face The Lord then Demanded of me what I could Object against the Service Perform'd in the Family To whom I Reply'd That the Chief Objection I made was against the Person who Perform'd the Service The Lord Demanded what I had to Object against the Person who Pray'd in the Family To whom I Reply'd That I Objected against him for Two things First that he was a Rotten Arminian denying the Doctrine of Election and Justification by the alone Imputed Righteousness of the Son of God And that he also Held falling from Grace Secondly For that he was in his Life and Conversation a notorious Drunkard and a common Curser and Swearer c. My Lord then Demanded Why I did not come to Family Prayer when his Son James said Prayers Reader thou must know That when the Chaplain would be Drinking and Ryotting abroad sometimes my Lords Son would be Commanded to Read one of the Evening Prayers at the end of some Bibles To this I Answered That his Son was but a Child and did not understand what he Read Lord have Mercy on me said my Lord who would you have Pray in my Family My Lord said I I Humbly conceive no Man Living is fitter for a Service of this Nature than your Lordship The Great God having made your Lordship King and Lord over your own Family and hath Endued your Lordship with such Incomparable Gifts of Knowledg and Learning and I hope of Grace too And Pray Sir said my Lord How would you have me Pray My Lord