which I now see is but filthy Rags c. Then God gave me those two Promises Isa 43.22 23 24 25. and Isa 54.9 10. and filled my Soul with joy and peace in believing so that I brake forth into praises and Thanksgiving The next day I went again to Mr. Wheelwright and told him what God had done for my poor Soul who said unto me now I was somewhat prepared to preach Jesus Christ and the Gospel of Free Grace to others having bin taught it of God and having heard and learned Jesus Christ my self And he advised me to wait still upon God in Prayer and Christ would appear again to me by his Holy Spirit in his Word and shew me and teach me how to preach then I went home again and continued in Prayer And one day begging earnestly of God in Prayer that if he had designed me to that great Work of preaching the Gospel that then he would give me some Testimony out of his Holy Word of his calling me thereunto whereupon those words were spoken by his Spirit to my Heart Act. 26.16 I have appeared unto thee for this purpose to make thee a Minister and a Witness both of those things which thou hast seen and of those things in which I will appear unto thee whence I believed that now I had received a Call and Commission from my Lord Jesus Christ to preach the Gospel of his Free Grace And I blessed God and expected a further Appearance of Jesus Christ unto me That Night in my sleep Christ put into my mind that the next Lords day I should preach on that Text Rom. 8.1 And he dictated to me in my sleep what Doctrine I should preach from that Text. The next day I went and told all this to Mr. Wheelwright who said Now my beloved Brother and Fellow Labourer in the Gospel of the Grace of God Christ hath given you Authority a Call and a Commission to preach I pray you be humble and holy and delay not to do your Masters Work or words to that effect That Night in my Sleep the Lord taught me more and the third night also and I retained it all in my Memory and writ it down and searched the Scriptures which I received in my sleep for the Confirmation of my Doctrine And the next day being the Lords Day I preached that which I had received from the Lord and God made it useful and powerful to Conversion as appeared to me afterwards Thus I was night by night taught of God to preach the Doctrine of Free Grace according to the Tenor of the new and everlasting Covenant for three or four years together whereby very many Sinners were Converted and many Believers were established in the Faith in which three or four years space I preached in three several places at Wood-enderby at Fulleby on the Hill and at Wainfleel where I was silenced and from thence removed to London and thence to New-England with my Wife and one Child About the Year 1636. I was persecuted and prosecuted in the High Commission Court by vertue of a Warrant wherewith I was apprehended in Boston and kept a Prisoner in the Man's House who served the Warrant upon me But God helped me to convince him and he was so greatly terrified in his Conscience that he set open his doors and let me go away but before I went I tarried so long in London waiting for a passage that when I went aboard I had but 6 brass farthings left and no Silver nor Gold only my Wife had 5 l. that I knew not of which she gave me when we came there By the way my little Child dyed with Convulsion fits our Beer and Water stank our Bisket was green yellow and blew moulded and rotten and our Cheese also so that we suffered much hardship being 12 weeks in our passage but God was gracious to us and lead us safe thro' those great Deeps and e're we went ashore came one and enquired for me and told me a Friend that was gone from Boston to Rode Island had left me his house to sojourn in to which we went and two Families more with us who went suddenly to their Friends and other Relations in the Countrey and I being poor was necessitated to work daily with my Howe for the space of almost three weeks The Magistrates were told by the Ministers that I was an Antinomian and desired they would not suffer me to abide in their Patent But within the time limited by their Law in that Case two Strangers coming to Boston from Piscattuah hearing of me by a meer Accident got me to go with them to that Plantation and to preach there where I remained about four years and then being sent for back to England by my aged Father I returned with my Wife and one Child about three years old and she was great with another Child and we came safe to London on the 24th of December 1641. in which Year the Massacre in Ireland broke forth and the next Year Wars brake forth in England between King and Parliament I was still poor and sojourned in a Lodging till I had but sixpence left and knew not how to provide for my Wife and Child but having prayed to God and encouraged my Wife to trust in God and to remember former Experiences and especially that Word of promise God had given us and would perform to us Heb. 13.5 having paid for my Lodging I went out not knowing whither Gods good hand of Providence would lead me to receive something towards my present Subsistence And about seven or eight doors from my Lodging a Woman met me in the Street and told me she came to seek me and her Husband sent her to tell me that there was a Lodging provided and prepared in his house by some Christian Friends for me and my Wife I told her my present Condition and went along with her to her house and there she gave me 20 s. which Dr. Bastwick a late Sufferer had given her for me and some Linnens for my Wife which I received and told her and her Husband I would fetch my Wife and Child and lodge there and so I returned with great joy and my Wife was very much affected with this Mercy and Divine Providence being so suitable and seasonable a supply unto us and she said Oh dear Husband how sweet is it to live by Faith and trust God upon his bare Word Let us rely upon him whilst we live and trust him in all Straits with many such like expressions And after we had returned praises to God we went to our new Lodging where we found all things necessary provided for us and all charges paid for 15 weeks and my Wife being bruised much on Shipboard had sore Labour and lay under great weakness above ten weeks all which time two Doctors an Apothecary and a Chyrurgeon did daily attend her and administred unto her freely without any Money and at the end of 16 weeks we
and pray God to pardon this and other our Sins whereupon we both kneeled down upon the plowed Land and I prayed wept and made Supplication to God as well as I could and found so great Assistance from God at that time that I never used any set Form of Prayer afterwards which done we both kissed each other and went to School Afterwards I went to Cambridge and there a godly Minister preached on Hosea the 5th Chap. and 17. ver His Doctrine was That the joyning to Sin by often committing it after Conviction of Conscience for it did provoke God to give over many to the power of their Corruptions and let them alone to dye in their Sins I was thereby convinced that it was my Case for I had oftentimes broken the Sabbath after Conviction and I had disobeyed my Parents and had often told Untruths The same Lords-day at Night another godly Minister preached at five a Clock upon Eph. 2.3 and thereby I was much more convinced of my sinful Condition and that I was a Child of Wrath without Christ and Grace c. which Work of Conviction remained strongly upon me above one year under which I was filled with great Horrour and fears of Hell sore buffettings and Temptations of the Devil and made to possess the Sins of my Youth But yet I prayed daily heard all the godly Ministers I could read and searched the Holy Scriptures read good Books got acquaintance with gracious Christians then called Puritans kept several days of Fasting and Prayer alone wherein I did humble my Soul for my Sins and begg'd Pardon and Grace of God for Christs sake grew strict in performing Holy Duties and in Reformation of my own Life examining my self every night confessing my Sins and mourning for them and had a great Zeal for God and an Indignation against Actual Sins both committed by my self and others June 29th 1629. I was ordained Deacon and the next day June 30th I was ordained Presbyter by the Bishop of Peterborow having Preached above 16 Sermons before I would be Ordained by way of Tryal of my Ability for that great Work of the Ministry After my Ordination the Bishop of Lincoln gave me a small Living at Humberstone where I preached twice every Lords Day and once every Holy-day That which made me strict and Laborious in Preaching was partly the Work of Conviction upon my Conscience but more especially a Providential Acquaintance that I had gotten with a very godly old Widdow in Gainsburgh where I taught the Free-School before I came to Humberstone who told me of one called a Brownist who used to pray and expound Scriptures in his Family whom I went sometimes to hear and with whom I had Conference and very good Counsel Whilst I was at Humberstone there lived a very Religious Widow who falling sick sent for me and charged me that I would not depart her House on the day-time until she ended or mended least Satan should tempt her above her strength The Doctor of Physick had given her over some godly Ministers Friends and Relations did take leave of her as a Dying Woman She received nothing for several days but a little Julep which was put into her Mouth with a Spoon and ran most of it out again lay speechless two or three days her Family mourning over her and expecting her Death every Hour I had brought some of my Books to her House and was studying her Funeral Sermon and when I had almost finished the same the Devil set upon me with a violent Suggestion That the Scriptures are not the Word of God He had suggested this Temptation to me divers Times before but prevailed not Now the Tempter assaulted me with this Argument Whatever you ask in the Name of Christ God will do it but that Scripture was not true and if I would put it now upon Tryal I should find it not to be true for if I would ask the Womans Life in the Name of Christ God will not do it and thereby I should know the Scriptures are not true nor are they the Word of God for his Word is true To which I answered Satan thou art a Lyar a Deceiver and a false Accuser The Holy Scriptures are the Word of God and the Scriptures of Truth And seeing thou hast often tempted me in this kind and now dost assault me again that I may for ever silence thee thou wicked and lying Devil I will trust in God and act Faith in the Name of Christ in that very Word of his Truth which thou hast now suggested I will leave my Study and go and pray for her and believe that God will hear my Prayers thrô the Intercession of Jesus Christ and restore her Life and Health that thou mayst be found a Lyar Whereupon I went into the Parlour where she lay speechless without any visible motion or use of any Senses and I locked the Door and Candles being in the Room I kneeled down by her Bed-side and prayed above half an hour using my Voice and then she began to stir toss and struggled so much that I was constrained to stand up and holding her in her Bed still prayed over her Sathan then gave me a great Interruption and suggested to me she was a dying and these were the pangs of Death upon her I notwithstanding this Assault of the Devil was assisted by the Holy Spirit to pray and believe still and in a short time she lay very quietly and I kneeled down again and prayed fervently and within half an hour whilst I was yet praying she said The LORD hath healed me I am restored to Health Then I returned praises to God and she did joyn with me lifting up her eyes and hands still saying I am Healed Then I rose up from my knees and asked her how she did O Sir said she God hath heard your Prayers and hath made me whole Blessed be his Holy Name Then I unlocked the Door and some of her Kinswomen and Servants being at the Door came in and asked me if she were dead to whom I answered No. Then they asked me How she did I bad them go to her and ask her self She had been speechless four days I told them she could speak now and as soon as they came to her Bed-side she lift up her self and said I am well the Lord hath heard Prayer and healed me I am very weak and sore in my bones but I am in Health I pray you give me something to eat and as soon as they brought her some broth she sat up and eat it and took some of her Julep and from that time received strength and the next day she did rise and walked with a Staff which being heard of many godly Ministers and Christians came to visit her and to know the truth of what was told them touching her Recovery I told them it was not any thing in me but it was the Lord that had done it for His own Glory and to silence
Sathan who was never suffered to tempt me in that kind afterwards God bruised Sathan under my feet and my Lord Jesus Christ made a conquest of him and gave me the Vâ—ctory and helped me to give him the Glory of it The next Year after this I Married a Wife with whom I lived 40 years by whom I had Issue 7 Sons and 3 Daughters who was a Holy Discreet Woman and a meet Help for me in the ways of her Houshold and also in the way of Holiness who was my companion in all my Sufferings Travels and Hardships that we endured for the Gospel She departed this Life the 30th of April 1671. in full Assurance of Eternal Life and Salvation Presently after I was Married I was convinced of some things about the Worship of God which I had conformed unto to be sinful to wit the Surplice the Cross in Baptism and admitting wicked persons to the Lords Supper whereupon I resigned my Living to the Bishop who offered me a better Living I told him I could not conform any longer and would do nothing but preach which he connived at for two or three Years Shortly after I was convinced that my Ordination received from the Bishop was not right and thô I had preached some years by Virtue of that Ordination I had not received any Seal from Christ of my Ministry for thô many had been reformed and moralized yet I knew not that I had been Instrumental to convert any Souls to God And thereupon I renounced that Ordination and silenced my self resolving not to preach any more untill I had a clear Call and Commission from Christ to preach the Gospel And to that end I gave my self to Prayer day and night for several weeks together and at last being at Prayer in a Wood at Woodenderby in Lincoln-shire where I had preached before and prayed with loud cries and tears that Christ would count me worthy and put me into the Ministry and shew me how to glorifie God in the Ministry and thô I was much melted and enlarged in Prayer at that time yet I had no answer from the Lord After Prayer I walked and meditated under the Wood-side till Sun-set and then went homeward resolved not to preach till the Lord made my call to that great Work of preaching the Gospel clear to me And as I was going home an answer of my Prayers was given to me in these words Go to Mr. Wheelwright and he shall tell thee and shew thee how to glorifie God in the Ministry but I heard no voice nor did I see any Vision only those words were plainly and articulately spoken into my Ears and Understanding At which I was astonished and said Lord let me not be deluded nor deceived then was brought to my mind that passage of Cornelius sent to Peter who should tell him what he should do whereupon I was fully perswaded it was an answer of my Prayets from the Lord and I was filled with such joy that I went on my way rejoycing leaping and praising God The next Morning going to seek out Mr. Wheelwright who was a silenced Minister whom I had heard of by some Christians that he had been Instrumental to convert many Souls but I knew him not nor did I know where he was but I was resolved to find him out for I had heard that he was near Lincoln about 25 miles from me where he lived privately And as I was getting up on Horseback one of my Neighbours coming by asked me whither I was riding to whom I said I did not certainly know I was going to Mr. Wheelwright who was as I heard about Lincoln No sald he Mr. Wheelwhright and his Family came to dwell at a Village which was but three miles from my house for said he I saw him come thither but three nights since with his Family and houshold goods in a Coach and a Wagon Thither I rid presently and found it so and I told Mr. Wheelwright that yesternight I was praying as before and was sent unto him by the Lord c. And after he had asked me many things about the Work of God upon my Soul and I had told him he said I could not glorifie God neither in the Ministry nor in any other way or Work for I was building my Soul upon a Covenant of Works and was a stranger to the Covenant of Grace At which I was startled troubled and somewhat amazed but I told him I was assured God had sent me to him and by his mouth I should be instructed how to glorifie God in the Ministry of the Gospel and I did earnestly intreat and beseech him to apply himself to give me his Counsel and directions touching that Matter Then Mr. Wheelwright opened to me the Nature of the Covenant of Free Grace which I confessed to him I was a stranger to in a great measure having bin only under legal Convictions and a Spirit of Bondage and tho' I had some discoveries of my want of Christ yet I had sought Righteousness as it were by the Works of the Law and got my peace by performing duties and rested on them Mr. Wheelwright desired me to consider what he had said to me and to come to him 2 or 3 days after So I left him at that time and went home exceeding sorrowful about my Souls Condition but I gave my self to Prayer and begged of God to teach me the Covenant of Grace and to that end I searched the Scriptures and I heard one Mr. How preach upon Gal. 2.20 I live by the Faith of the Son of God whereby I saw that I had lived a Life of Works and not of Faith Then I began to see a necessity of believing in Christ for pardon and Salvation and hearing the Minister say that Christ was the Author Root and only Foundation of Saving Faith and that God did give the Faith of Evidence Heb. 11.1 in some New Covenant Promise Gal. 3.14 and that those Promises were given of God 2 Pet. 1.4 I prayed that Night and next Morning and in the night season that God would give me such a promise The next day I locked my self in the Church and in the Chancel or Quire so called I prayed very earnestly mourning and bemoaning my self and my Souls Condition fearing and with great brokenness of Spirit and many tears expressed my fears that God would leave me and forsake me and then I should utterly perish for ever And then that promise Heb. 13.5 I will never leave thee nor forsake thee was given me which Promise stopt me a little in Prayer and I brake forth into this kind of Expostulation with God saying Lord who am I I am a vile sinful Sinner the chief of Sinners most unworthy of Pardon and Salvation How Lord never leave me nor forsake me O infinite Mercy Oh Free Grace who am I I have bin a graceless Soul a formal Professor a legal performer of Holy Duties and have gone about to establish mine own Righteousness