of the softness of the said Doun and of the temperate heat of the Goose which is easily communicated to the Bumgut and the rest of the Intestines insofar as to come even to the Regions of the Heart and Brains And think not that the Felicity of the Heroes and Demigods in the Elysian Fields consisteth either in their Asphodele Ambrosia or Nectar as our old Women here use to say but in this according to my judgment that they wipe their Tails with the Neck of a Goose holding her Head betwixt their Legs and such is the Opinion of Master Iohn of Scotland CHAP. XIV How Gargantua was taught Latin by a Sophister THE good Man Grangousier having heard this discourse was ravish'd with Admiration considering the high reach and marvellous understanding of his Son Gargantua and said to his Governesses Philip King of Macedon knew the great Wit of his Son Alexander by his skilful managing of a Horse for his Horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure to ride him after that he had given to his Riders such devillish falls breaking the Neck of this Man the other Man's Leg braining one and cracking another's Jaw-bone This by Alexander being considered one day in the Hippodrome which was a place appointed for the breaking and managing of great Horses he perceived that the fury of the Horse proceeded meerly from the fear he had of his own shadow whereupon getting on his back he run him against the Sun so that the shadow fell behind and by that means tamed the Horse and brought him to his hand Whereby his Father perceiving his marvellous Capacity and divine Insight caused him most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle who at that time was highly renowned above all the Philosophers of Greece After the same manner I tell you that by this only discourse which now I have here had before you with my Son Gargantua I know that his Understanding doth participate of some Divinity and that if he be well taught and have that Education which is fitting he will attain to a supream degree of Wisdom Therefore will I commit him to some learned Man to have him indoctrinated according to his Capacity and will spare no cost Presently they appointed him a great Sophister-Doctor called Master Tubal Holophernes who taught him his ABC so well that he could say it by heart backwards and about this he was Five Years and three Months Then read he to him Donat facet theodolet and Alanus in parabolis About this he was Thirteen Years six Months and two Weeks But you must remark that in the mean time he did learn to write in Gottish Characters and that he wrote all his Books for the Art of Printing was not then in use And did ordinarily carry a great Pen and Inkhorn weighing above Seven thousand Quintals the Pen-case vvhereof vvas as big and as long as the great Pillar of Enay and the Horn vvas hanged to it in great Iron Chains it being of the vvideness to hold a Tun of Merchand Ware After that vvas read unto him the Book de modis significandi with the Commentaries of Hurtbise of Fasquin of Tropifeu of Gaulhaut of Iohn Calf of Billonio of Berlinguandus and a rabble of others and herein he spent more then Eighteen Years and eleven Months and was so well versed therein that to try Masteries in School-disputes with his Condisciples he would recite it by heart backwards And did sometimes prove on his Fingers ends to his Mother Quod de modis significandi non erat scientia Then was read to him the Compost on which he spent Sixteen Years and two Months And at that very time which was in the Year 1420 his said Praeceptor died of the Pox. Afterwards he got an old coughing Fellow to teach him named Master Iobelin Bridé vvho read unto him Hugotio Flebard Grecism the Doctrinal the Pars the Quid est the Supplementum Marmoretus de moribus in mensa servandis Seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus Passaventus cum commento and Dormi securè for the Holy-days and other such llke stuff by reading vvhereof he became as vvise as any vve ever since baked in an Oven CHAP. XV. How Gargantua was put under other School-masters AT the last his Father perceived that indeed he studied hard and that although he spent all his time therein yet for all that did he profit nothing but vvhich is worse grew thereby a Fool a Sot a Doult and Block-head whereof making a heavy complaint to Don Philip of Marays Viceroy of Papeligosse he found that it were better for his Son to learn nothing at all then to be taught such like Books under such School-masters because their Knowledge was nothing but all Trifle and their Wisdom Foppery serving only to basterdize good and noble Spirits and to corrupt the Flower of Youth That it is so take said he any Young Boy of this time who hath only studied two Years if he have not a better Judgment a better Discourse and that expressed in better Terms then your Son with a compleater Carriage and Civility to all manner of persons account me for ever hereafter a very clounch and baconslicer of Brene This pleased Grangousier very well and he commanded that it should be done At night at supper the said Don Philip brought in a young Page of his of Ville-gouges called Eudemon so neat so trim so handsom in his Apparel so spruce with his Hair in so good Order and so sweet and comely in his behaviour that he had the resemblance of a little Angel more than of a human Creature Then he said to Grangousier Do you see this young Boy He is not as yet full twelve years old let us try if it like you what difference there is betwixt the knowledge of the Dunces Mateologian of old time and the young Lads that are now The Tryal pleased Grangousier and he commanded the Page to begin Then Eudemon asking leave of the Vice-Roy his Master so to do vvith his Cap in his hand a clear and open countenance beautiful and ruddy Lips his Eyes steady and his Looks fixed upon Gargantua with a youthful modesty standing up strait on his feet began to commend him first for his Vertue and good Manners secondly for his knowledg thirdly for his Nobility fourthly for his bodily accomplishments and in the fifth place most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his Father with all due observancy vvho was so careful to have him well brought up in the end he prayed him that he vvould vouchsafe to admit of him amongst the least of his Servants for other Favour at that time desired he none of Heaven but that he might do him some grateful and acceptable Service all this was by him delivered vvith such proper gestures such distinct Pronunciation so pleasant a Delivery in such exquisite fine Terms and so good Latin that he seemed rather a Gracchus a Cicero an Aemilius of the time past then a
formidable baton of the Cross got to the breach which the Enemies had made and there stood to snatch up those that endeavoured to escape Some of the Monkitos carried the Standards Banners Ensigns Guidons and Colours into their Cells and Chambers to make Garters of them But when those that had been shriven would have gone out at the gap of the said Breach the sturdy Monk quash'd and fell'd them down with blows saying These Men have had Confession and are peniâ—ent Souls they have got their Absolution and gained the Pardons They go into Paradise as streight as a sickle or as the way is to Fare like Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap Thus by his Prowess and Valour were discomfited all those of the Army that entred into the Closs of the Abbey unto the number of Thirteen thousand six hundred twenty and two besides the Women and little Children which is always to be understood Never did Maugis the Hermite bear himself more valiantly with his Pilgrims staff against the Saracens of whom is written in the Acts of the four Sons of Haymon then did this Monk against his Enemies with the staff of the Cross. CHAP. XXVIII How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the Rock Clermond and of Grangousier's unwillingness and aversion from the Undertaking of War WHilst the Monk did thus skirmish as we have said against those which were entred within the Closs Picrochole in great haste passed the Ford Vede with all his Souldiery and set upon the Rock Clermond where there was made him no resistance at all And because it was already Night he resolved to quarter himself and his Army in that Town and to refresh himself of his pugnative Choler In the Morning he stormed and took the Bulwarks and Castle which afterwards he fortified with Rampiers and furnish'd with all Ammunition requisite intending to make his retreat there if he should happen to be otherwise worsted for it was a strong place both by Art and Nature in regard of the stance and scituation of it But let us leave them there and to return to our good Gargantua who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good Letters and athletical Exercitations and to the good old Man Grangousier his Father who after Supper warmeth his Ballocks by a good clear great fire and whilst his Chesnut a are a-rosting is very serious in drawing scratches on the Hearth with a stick burnt at the one end wherewith they did stir up the fire telling to his Wife and the rest of the Family pleasant old Stories and Tales of of former times Whilst he was thus employ'd one of the Shepherds which did keep the Vines named Pillot came towards him and to the full related the enormous abuses which were committed and the excessive spoil that was made by Picrochole King of Lerne upon his Lands and Territories and how he had pillaged wasted and ravaged all the Country except the inclosure at Sevile which Friar Iohn des Entoumeures to his great honour had preserved And that at the same present time the said King was in the Rock Clermond And there with great Industry and Circumspection was strengthening himself and his whole Army Halas halas alas said Grangousier what is this good People Do I dream or is it true that they tell me Picrochole my ancient Friend of old time of my own Kindred and Alliance comes he to invade me What moves him What provokes him What sets him on What drives him to it Who hath given him this Counsel Ho ho ho ho ho my God my Saviour help me inspire me and advise me what I shall do I protest I swear before thee so be thou favourable to me if ever I did him or his Subjects any damage or displeasure or committed any the least Robbery in his Country but on the contrary I have succoured and supplied him with Men Money Friendship and Counsel upon any occasion wherein I could be steadable for his good that he hath therefore at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me it cannot be but by the malevolent and wicked Spirit Good God thou knowest my Courage for nothing can be hidden from thee if perhaps he be grown mad and that thou hast sent him hither to me for the better recovery and re-establishment of his brain Grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy will by good discipline Ho ho ho ho my good People my Friends and my faithful Servants must I hinder you from helping me Alas my old age required henceforward nothing else but rest and all the days of my Life I have laboured for nothing so much as Peace But now I must I see it well load with Arms my poor weary and feeble shoulders and take in my trembling hand the Lance and Horseman's Mace to succour and protect my honest Subjects Reason will have it so for by their labour am I maintain'd and with their sweat am I nourish'd I my Children and my Family This notwithstanding I will not undertake War until I have first tried all the ways and means of Peace that I resolve upon Then assembled he his Counsel and proposed the matter as it was indeed whereupon it was concluded that they should send some discreet Man unto Picrochole to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the Peace and invaded those Lands unto which he had no Right nor Title Furthermore that they should send for Gargantua and those under his command for the Preservation of of the Country and Defence thereof now at need All this pleased Grangousier very well and he commanded that so it should be done Presently therefore he sent Basque his Lackey to fetch Gargantua with all diligence and wrote to him as followeth CHAP. XXIX The Tenor of the Letter which Grangousier wrote to his Son Gargantua THe fervency of thy studies did require that I should not in along time recall thee from that Philosophical rest thou now enjoyest If the confidence reposed in our Friends and ancient Confederates had not at this present Disappointed the assurances of my old age But seeing such is my fatal Destiny that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trusted most I am forced to call thee back to defend the People and Goods which by the right of Nature belong unto thee for even as Arms are weak abroad if there be not Counsel at home so is that Study vain and Counsel unprofitable which in a due and convenient time is not by Vertue executed and put in effect My Intention is not to Provoke but Appease Not to Assault but to Defend Not to Conquer but to preserve my faithful Subjects and hereditary Dominions into which Picrochole is entred in a hostile manner without any Ground or Cause and from day to day pursueth his furious Enterprise with great height of Insolence that is intolerable to free-born Spirits I have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical Choler offering him all that which I thought might
served you honestly Reason said he will have it so that is but just I give unto you the Caramania Surie and all the Palestine Ha Sir said they it is your goodness Grammercie God grant you may always prosper There was present at the time an old Gentleman well experienced in in the Wars a stern Souldier and who had been in many great hazards named Echephron who hearing this discourse said I do grealty doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tail of the pitcher full of Milk wherewith a Shomaker made himself rich in conceit but when the pitcher was broken he had not whereupon to dine What do you pretend by these large Conquests what shall be the end of so many labours and crosses Thus it shall be said Picrochole that when we return we shall sit down rest and be merry But said Echephron if by chance you should never come back for the voyage is long and dangerous where it not better for us to take our rest now then unnecessarily to expose our selves to so many dangers O said Swashbuckler by G here is a good dotard come let us go hide our selves in the corner of a Chimney and there spend the whole time of our life amongst Ladies in threading of peaâ—ls or spinning like Sardanapalus He that nothing ventures hath neither Horse nor Mule said Solomon He who adventureth too much said Echepron loseth both Horse and Mule as Malchon answered Enough said Picrochole go forward I fear nothing but that these Devillish Legions of Grangousier whilst we are in Mesopotamia will come on our backs and charge upon our rear what remedy then A very good one said Durtaille send a pretty round Commission to the Muscoviters And they bring instantly into the Field for you four hundred and fifty thousand choice fighting Men. O that you would but make me your Lieutenant General how I should truss up the Rogues with discipline I fret I charge I strike I take I kill I slay I play the Devil On on said Picrochole he that loves me follow me CHAP. XXXIV How Gargantua left the City of Paris to Succour his Country and how Gymnast encountered with the Enemy IN this same very hour Gargantua who was gone out of Paris as soon as he had read his Father's Letters coming upon his great mare had already past the Nunnery-bridge himself Ponocrates Gymnast and Eudemon to go along with him took Post-horses The rest of his Train came after him by even journeys bringing with them all his Books and Philosophical Instruments As soon as he had alighted at Parille he was informed by a Farmer of Gouget how Picrochole had fortified himself within the Rock Clermond and had sent Captain Tripet with a great Army to set upon the Wood of Vede and Vaugaudry and that they had already plundered the whole Country not leaving Cock nor Hen even as far as to the Wine-press of Billiard and that it was a strange thing and hardly to be credited what ravage they had committed over all the Land which so affrighted Gargantua that he knew not what to say nor what to do But Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the Lord of Vauguyon who at all times had been their Friend and Confederate and that by him they should be better advised in their Business Which they did incontinently and found him very willing to assist them and he was of opinion that they should send some one of his Company to scout along and discover the Country to learn in what condition and posture the Enemy was that they might take Counsel and proceed according to the present occasion Gymnast offering himself to go whereupon it was concluded that for his safety and the better expedition he should have with him some one that knew the Ways Avenues Turnings Windings and Rivers thereabout Then away went he and Prelingot Gentleman of Vauguyon's Horse who scouted and espied on all quarters without any fear In the mean time Gargantua took a little refreshment eat somewhat himself the like did those that were with him and caused to give to his Mare a Picotine of Oats that is Threescore and fourteen Quarters and three Bushels Gymnast and his Camrade rode so long that at last they met with the Enemies Forces all scattered and out of order Plundering Stealing Robbing and Pillaging all they could lay their Hands on And as far off as they could perceive him they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste towards him to unload him of his Money and untruss his Portmantles Then cried he out unto them My Masters I am a poor Devil I desire you to spare me I have yet one Crown left come we must drink it for it is aurum potabile and this Horse here shall be sold to pay my welcom afterwards take me for one of your own for never yet was there any Man that knew better how to take lard rost and dress yea by G to tear asunder and devour a Hen then I that am here And for my Beverage I drink to all good Fellows With that he unscrued his Leathern Bottle and without putting in his Nose drank very handsomly the Rogues looked upon him opening their Throats a Foot wide and putting out their Tongues like Greyhounds in hopes to drink after him But Captain Tripet in the very nick came running to him to see who it was To him Gymnast offer'd his Bottle saying Hold Captain drink boldly and spare not I have been thy taster it is Wine of La fay monjau What says Tripet this Fellow gybes and flouts us who art thou said Tripet I am said Gymnast a poor Devil pauvre diable Ha said Tripet seeing thou art a poor Devil it is reason that thou shouldst be permitted to go whither-soever thou wilt for all poor Devils pass every where without toll or tax but it is not the custom of poor Devils to be so well mounted therefore Sir Devil come down and let me have your Horse and if he do not carry me well you Master Devil must do it for I love a Life that such a Devil as you should carry me away CHAP. XXXV How Gymnast very nimbly killed Captain Tripet and others of Picrochole's Men WHen they heard these words some amongst them began to be afraid and blest themselves with both hands thinking indeed that he had been a Devil disguised Insomuch that one of them named Good Iohn Captain of the trained Bands took his Psalter out of his Codpiece and cried out aloud Hagios ho Theos If thou be of God speak if thou be of the other Spirit avoid hence and get thee going Yet he went not away which words being heard by all the Souldiers that were there divers of them being a little inwardly terrified departed from the place All this did Gymnast very well remark and consider and therefore making as if he would have alighted from off his Horse as he was poising himself on the mounting side he
Cardinalised with boyling Gods Fish said the Monk the Porter of our Abbey then hath not his head well-boyled for his Eyes are as red as a mazer made of an Alder-tree The thigh of this Leveret is good for those that have the Gout Some natural Philosophy ha ha what is the reason that the Thighs of a Gentlewoman are always fresh and cool This Problem said Gargantua is neither in Aristotle in Alexander Aphrodiseus nor in Plutarch There are three Causes said the Monk by which that place is naturally refreshed Primò because the water runs all along it Secundò because it is a shady place obscure and dark upon which the Sun never shines And thirdly because it is continually blown upon and aired by a reverberation from the back-door by the fan of the smock and flipflap of the Codpiece And lusty my Lads some bousing liquor Page so Crack crack crack O what a good God have we that gives us this excellent Juice I call him to witness if I had been in the time of Iesus Christ I would have kept him from being taken by the Iews in the Garden of Olivet and the Devil fail me if I should have failed to cut off the hams of these Gentlemen Apostles who ran away so basely after they had well supped and left their good Master in the lurch I hate that Man worse then poison that offers to run away when he should fight and lay stoutly about him Oh that I were but King of France for fourscore or an hundred years by G I should whip like curtail-dogs these run-aways of Pavie A plague take them why did they not chuse rather to die there than to leave their good Prince in that pinch and necessity Is it not better and more honourable to perish in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running away We are like to eat no great store of goslings this year therefore friend reach me some of that rosted pig there Diavolo is there no more must no more sweet Wine Germinavit radix Iesse I renounce my Life I die for thirst This Wine is none of the worst what Wine drink you at Paris I give my self to the Devil if I did not once keep open house at Paris for all commers six Months together Do you know Friar Claude of the high kildrekins Oh the good Fellow that he is but what Fly hath stung him of late he is become so hard a Student for my part I study not at all In our Abbey we never study for fear of the mumps Our late Abbot was wont to say that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned Monk by G Master my friend Magis Magnos clericos non sunt magis magnos sapientes You never saw so many hares as there are this Year I could not any where come by a goshawk nor tassel of falcon my Lord Beloniere promised me a Lanner but he wrote to me not long ago that he was become pursie The Patridges will so multiply henceforth that they will go near to eat up our ears I take no delight in the stalking-horse for I catch such cold that I am like to founder my self at that sport if I do not run toil travel and trot about I am not well at ease True it is that in Leaping over Hedges and Bushes my Frock leaves always some of its Wool behind it I have recovered a dainty grey-Hound I give him to the Devil if he suffer a hare to escape him A groom was leading him to my Lord Hunt-little and I robbed him of him did I ill No Friar Ihon said Gymnast no by all the devils that are no. So said the Monk do I attest these same devils so long as they last vertue G what could that gowty Limpard have done with so fine a Dog by the body of G he is better pleased when one presents him with a good yoke of Oxen. How now said Ponocrates you swear Friar Ihon It is only said the Monk but to grace and adorn my speech they are colours of a Ciceronian Rhetoric CHAP. XL. Why Monks are the out-casts of the world and wherefore some have bigger noses then others BY the faith of a Christian said Eudemon I am highly transported when I consider what an honest Fellow this Monk is for he makes us all merry How is it then that they exclude the Monks from all good Companies calling them feast-troublers as the Bees drive away the drones from their Hives Ignavum fucos pecus said Maro á presepibus arcent Here-unto answer'd Gargantua there is nothing so true as that the Frock and Cowle draw to them the Opprobries Injuries and Maledictions of the World just as the Wind call'd Cecias attracts the Clouds the peremptory reason is because they eat the Turd of the World that is to say they feed upon the Sins of the people And as a noysom thing they are cast inâ—o the Privies that is the Convents and Abbyes separated from civil conversation as the Privies and Retreats of a House are but if you conceive how an Ape in a family is always mocked and provokingly incensed you shall easily apprehend how Monks are shunned of all Men both young and old the Ape keeps not the House as a Dog doth He draws not in the Plow as the Oxe he yields neither Milk nor Wool as the Sheep he carrieth no burthen as a Horse doth that which he doth is only to conskit spoil and defile all which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks frumperies and bastonadoes After the same manner a Monk I mean those little idle lazie Monks do not labour and work as do the Peasant and Artificer doth not ward and defend the Countrey as doth the Souldier cureth not the sick and diseased as the Physician doth doth neither preach nor teach as do the Evangelical Doctors and Schoolmasters doth not import commodities and things necessary for the Common-wealth as the Merchant doth therefore â—s it that by and of all Men they are hooted at hated and abhorred Yea but said Grangousier they pray to God for us Nothing less answered Gargantua True it is with a tingle tangle jangling of bells they trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them Right said the Monk a Mass a Matine a Vesper well rung and half said They mumble out great store of Legends and Psalms by them not at all understood they say many Paâ—enotres interlarded with ave-maries without thinking upon or apprehending the meaning of what it is they say which truly I call mocking of God and not Prayers But so help them God as they Pray for us and not for being afraid to lose their Victuals their Manchots and good fat Pottage All true Christians of all estates and conditions in all Places and at all times send up their Prayers to God and the Spirit prayeth and intercedeth for them and God is gracious to them Now such a one is our good Friar Ihon therefore every Man
if I do not make a Monk of him in my stead and hamper him within my Frock which is a cure for cowardise Did you never hear of my Lord Meurles his Grey-Hound which was not worth a straw in the fields he put a Frock about his neck by the body of G there was neither Hare nor Fox that could escape him and which is more he lined all the bitches in the Country though before that he was feeble-reined and ex frigidis Maleficiatis The Monk uttering these words in choler as he past under a walnut-Tree in his way towards the Causey he broached the vizor of his Helmet on the stump of a great branch of the Tree nevertheless he set his spurs so fiercely to the Horse who was full of mettle and quick on the spur that he bounded forwards and the Monk going about to ungrapple his vizor let go his hold of the bridle and so hanged by his hand upon the bough whilest his horse stole away from under him By this means was the Monk left hanging on the walnut-Tree and crying for help murther murther swearing also that he was betrayed Eudemon perceived him first and calling Gargantua said Sir come and see Absalom hanging Gargantua being come considered the countenance of the Monk and in what posture he hanged wherefore he said to Eudemon You were mistaken in comparing him to Absalom for Absalom hung by his Hair but this shaveling Monk hangeth by the Ears Help me said the Monk in the devils Name is this a time for you to flout you seem to me the decretalist Preachers who say that whosoever shall see his neighbour in danger of death ought upon pain of trisulk excommunication rather to admonish him to make Confession and put his Conscience in the state of Grace then to help him And therefore when I shall see them fallen into a river and ready to be drowned instead of lending them my hand and pulling them out I shall make them a fine long Sermon de contemptu mundi fuga seculi and when they are stark dead then go go fish for them Be quiet said Gymnast and stir not my Minion I am now coming to unhang thee for thou art a pretty little gentle Monachus Monachus in claustro non valet ova duo sed quando est extra bene valet triginta I have seen above five hundred hanged but I never saw any hang with so good a Grace truly if I had so good a one I would willingly hang thus all my life-time What said the Monk have you almost done preaching help me in the name of God seeing you will not in the name of the other spirit or by the habit which I wear you shall repent it tempore loco praelibatis Then Gymnast alighted from his horse and climbing up the walnut-Tree lifted up the Monk with one hand by the gushets of his Armour under the Arm-pits and with the other undid his Vizor from the stump of the broken Branch which done he let him fall to the Ground and himself after As soon as the Monk was down he put off all his Armor and threw away one piece after another about the Field and taking to him again his Staff of the Cross remounted up to his Horse which Eudemon had caught in his running away Then went they on merrily riding on the high way CHAP. XLIII How the Scouts and fore-Party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua and how the Monk slew Captain Drawforth and then was taken Prisoner by his Enemies PIcrochole at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broil and defeat wherein Tripet was untriped grew very angry that the Devils should have so run upon his Men and held all that night a Counsel of War at which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet concluded his power to be such that he was able to defeat all the Devils of Hell if they should come to justle with his Forces This Picrochole did not fully believe though he doubted not much of it Therefore sent he under the command and conduct of the Count Drawforth for discovering of the Country the number of sixteen hundred Horsemen all well-mounted upon light Horses for skirmish and throughly besprinkled with Holy Water and every one for their cognizance had a Star in his Scarf to serve at all adventures in case they should happen to encounter with Devils that by the Vertue as well of that Gregorian Water as of the Stars they might make the Devils disappear and vanish In this Equipage they made an excursion upon the Country till they came near to Vauguyon and to the Hospital but could never find any body to speak unto whereupon they returned a little back and by chance in a Shepherds Cottage near to Coudray they found five Pilgrims these they carried away bound and manacled as if they had been Spies for all the Exclamations Adjurations and Requests that they could make Being come down from thence towards Seville they were heard by Gargantua who said then unto those that were with him Camerades and Fellow Souldiers we have here met with an Encounter and they are ten times in number more than we Shall we charge them or no What a Devil said the Monk shall we do else Do you esteem Men by their number rather than by their valour and prowess With this he cried out Charge Devils charge Which when the Enemies heard they thought certainly that they had been very Devils and therefore even then began all of them to run away as hard as they could drive Draw-forth only excepted who immediately settled his Lance on its rest and therewith hit the Monk with all his force on the very middle of his Breast but coming against his horrific Frock the point of the Iron being with the blow either broke off or blunted it was in matter of Execution as if you had struck against an Anvil with a little Wax-candle Then did the Monk with his Staff of the Cross give him such a sturdy thump and whirret betwixt his Neck and Shoulders upon the Acromion bone that he made him lose both sense and motion and fall down stone dead at his Horses feet And seeing the Star which he wore on his Scarf he said unto Gargantua these Men are but Priests which is but the beginning of a Monk by St. Ihon I am a perfect Monk I will kill them like flies Then ran he after them at a swift and full Gallop till he overtook the Reer and felled them down like Tree-leaves striking athwart and alongst and every way Gymnast presently asked Gargantua if they should pursue them To whom Gargantua answered by no means for according to right military Discipline you must never drive your Enemy unto Despair For that such a strait doth multiply his Force and encrease his Courage which was before broken and cast down Neither is there any better help for Men that are out of heart toiled and spent then to hope for no Favour
it more scorched and dried up with Heat in the days of Elijah than it was at that time for there was not a Tree to be seen that had either Leaf or Bloom upon it the Grass was without Verdure or Greenness the Rivers were drained the Fountains dried up the poor Fishes abandoned and forsaken by their proper Element wandring and crying upon the Ground most horribly the Birds did fall down from the Air for want of Moisture and Dew wherewith to refresh them the Wolves Foxes Harts Wild-Boars Fallow-Deer Hares Coneys Weesils Brocks Badgers and other such Beasts were found dead in the Fields with their Mouths open In respect of Men there was the Pity you should have seen them lay out their Tongues like Hares that have been run six Hours many did throw themselves into the Wells others entred within a Cow's Belly to be in the Shade those Homer calls Alibants all the Country was at a stand and nothing could be done it was a most lamentable case to have seen the Labour of Mortals in defending themselves from the Vehemency of this horrifick Drought for they had work enough to do to save the holy Water in the Churches from being wasted but there was such order taken by the Counsel of my Lords the Cardinals and of our Holy Father that none did dare to take above one lick yet when any one came into the Church you should have seen above twenty poor thirsty Fellows hang upon him that was the Distributer of the Water and that with a wide open Throat gaping for some little drop like the rich Glutton in St. Luke that might fall by lest any thing should be lost O how happy was he in that Year who had a cool Cellar under ground well plenished with fresh Wine The Philosopher reports in moving the Question Wherefore is it that the Sea-Water is salt That at the time when Phoebus gave the Government of his resplendent Chariot to his Son Phaeton the said Phaeton unskilful in the Art and not knowing how to keep the Ecliptick-Line betwixt the two Tropicks of the Latitude of the Sun's Course strayed out of his way and came so near the Earth that he dried up all the Countries that were under it burning a great part of the Heaven which the Philosophers call Via lactea and the Huffsnuffs St. Iames his way altho the most lofty and high-crested Poets affirm that to be the place where Iuno's Milk fell when she gave Suck to Hercules The Earth at that time was so excessively heated that it fell into an enormous Sweat yea such an one that made it sweat out the Sea which is therefore salt because all Sweat is salt and this you cannot but confess to be true if you will taste of your own or of those that have the Pox when they are put into a sweating it is all one to me Just such another case fell out this same Year for on a certain Friday when the whole People were bent upon their Devotions and had made goodly Processions with store of Letanies and fair Preachings and Beseechings of God Almighty to look down with his Eye of Mercy upon their miserable and disconsolate Condition there was even then visibly seen issue out of the Ground great drops of Water such as fall from a Man in a top Sweat and the poor Hoydons began to rejoice as if it had been a thing very profitable unto them for some said that there was not one drop of Moisture in the Air whence they might have any Rain and that the Earth did supply the default of that Other learned Men said that it was a Shower of the Antipodes as Seneca saith in his fourth Book Quaestionum Naturalium speaking of the Source and Spring of Nilus but they were deceived for the Procession being ended when every one went about to gather of this Dew and to drink of it with full Bowls they found that it was nothing but Pickle and the very Brine of Salt more brackish in Taste than the saltest Water of the Sea and because in that very Day Pantagruel was born his Father gave him that Name for Panta in Greek is as much as to say all and Gruel in the Hagarene Language doth signify thirsty inferring hereby that at his Birth the whole World was adry and thirsty as likewise foreseeing that he would be some day Supream Lord and Soveraign of the thirsty Companions which was shewn to him at that very same hour by a more evident sign for when his Mother Badebec was in the bringing of him forth and that the Midwives did wait to receive him there came first out of her Belly threescore and eight Salt-sellers every one of them leading in a Halter a Mule heavy loaded with Salt after whom issued forth nine Dromedaries with great Loads of Gammons of Bacon and dried Neats-Tongues on their Backs then followed seven Camels loaded with Links and Chitterlins Hogs-puddings and Sassages after them came out five great Wains full of Leeks Garlick Onions and Chibols drawn with five and thirty strong Cart-horses which was six for every one besides the Thiller At the sight hereof the Midwives were much amazed yet some of them said Lo here is good Provision and indeed we need it for we drink but lazily as if our Tongues walked on Crutches truly this is a good sign there is nothing here but what is fit for us these are the Spurs of Wine that set it a going As they were tatling thus together after their own manner of Chat behold out comes Pantagruel all hairy like a Bear whereupon one of them inspired with a Prophetical Spirit said This will be a terrible Fellow he is born with all his Hair he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things and if he live he will be of Age. CHAP. III. Of the Grief wherewith Gargantua was moved at the Decease of his Wife Badebec WHen Pantagruel was born there was none more astonished and perplexed than was his Father Gargantua for on the one side seeing his Wife Badebec dead and on the other side his Son Pantagruel born so fair and so goodly he knew not what to say nor what to do and the Doubt that troubled his Brain was to know whether he should cry for the Death of his Wife or laugh for the Joy of his Son he was hinc inde choaked with Sophistical Arguments for he framed them very well in modo figura but he could not resolve them remaining pestered and entangled by this means like a Mouse catch'd in a Trap or Kite snar'd in a Gin. Shall I weep said he Yes for why my so good Wife is dead who was the most this the most that that ever was in the World Never shall I see her never shall I recover such another it is unto me an inestimable Loss O my good God what had I done that thou shouldst thus punish me Why didst thou not take me away before her seeing for me to live without her is
sooner unto their knowledge had arrived the great Renown of the good Pantagruel Remark therefore here honest Drinkers that the manner of preserving and retaining Countries newly Conquered in Obedience is not as hath been the Erronious Opinion of some Tyrannical Spirits to their own Detriment and Dishonour to pillage plunder force spoil trouble oppress vex disquiet ruine and destroy the People ruling governing and keeping them in awe with Rods of Iron and in a word eating and devouring them after the fashion that Homer calls an unjust and wicked King 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that is to say a Devourer of his People I will not bring you to this purpose the Testimony of Ancient Writers it shall suffice to put you in mind of what your Fathers have seen thereof and your selves too if you be not very Babes New-born they must be given suck to rocked in a Cradle and dandled Trees newly planted must be supported underpropped strengthened and defended against all Tempests Mischiefs Injuries and Calamities And one lately saved from a long and dangerous Sickness and new upon his Recovery must be forborn spared and cherished in such sort that they may harbour in their own Breasts this Opinion that there is not in the World a King or a Prince who does not desire fewer Enemies and more Friends Thus Osiris the great King of the Egyptians conquered almost the whole Earth not so much by Force of Arms as by easing the People of their Troubles teaching them how to live well and honestly giving them good Laws and using them with all possible Affability Curtesie Gentleness and Liberality Therefore was he by all Men deservedly Entituled The Great King Evergetes that is to say Benefactor which Style he obtained by vertue of the Command of Iupiter to Pamyla And in effect Hesiod in his Hierarchy placed the good Demons call them Angels if you will or Geniuses as Intercessors and Mediators betwixt the Gods and Men they being of a degree inferiour to the Gods but superiour to Men and for that through their Hands the Riches and Benefits we get from Heaven are dealt to us and that they are continually doing us good and still protecting us from evil He saith that they exercise the Offices of Kings because to do always good and never ill is an Act most singularly Royal. Just such another was the Emperor of the Universe Alexander the Macedonian After this manner was Hercules Sovereign Possessor of the whole Continent relieving Men from monstrous Oppressions Exactions and Tyrannies governing them with Discretion maintaining them in Equity and Justice instructing them with seasonable Policies and wholsom Laws convenient for and suitable to the Soil Climate and Disposition of the Country supplying where was wanting abating what was superfluous and pardoning all that was past with a sempiternal forgetfulness of all preceding Offences as was the Amnestie of the Athenians when by the Prowess Valour and Industry of Thrasybulus the Tyrants were exterminated afterwards at Rome by Cicero exposed and renewed under the Emperor Aurelian These are the Philtres Allurements Iynges Inveiglements Baits and Enticements of Love by the means whereof that may be peaceably revived which was painfully acquired Nor can a Conqueror Reign more happily whether he be a Monarch Emperor King Prince or Philosopher than by making his Justice to second his Valour His Valour shows it self in Victory and Conquest his Iustice will appear in the good Will and Affection of the People when he maketh Laws publisheth Ordinances establisheth Religion and doth what is right to every one as the noble Poet Virgil writes of Octavian Augustus Victorque volentes Per populos dat jura Therefore is it that Homer in his Iliads calleth a good Prince and great King 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that is The Ornament of the People Such was the Consideration of Numa Pompilius the Second King of the Romans a just Politician and wise Philosopher when he ordained that to God Terminus on the day of his Festival called Terminales nothing should be Sacrificed that had died teaching us thereby that the Bounds Limits and Frontiers of Kingdoms should be guarded and preserved in Peace Amity and Meekness without polluting our Hands with Blood and Robbery Who doth otherways shall not only lose what he hath gained but also be loaded with this Scandal and Reproach That he is an unjust and wicked Purchaser and his Acquests perish with him Iuxta illud malae parta male dilabuntur And although during his whole Life-time he should have peaceable possession thereof yet if what hath been so acquired moulder away in the Hands of his Heirs the same Opproby Scandal and Imputation will be charged upon the Defunct and his Memory remain accursed for his unjust and unwarrantable Conquest Iuxta illud de male quaesitis vix gaudet tertius haeres Remark likewise Gentlemen you Gouty Feoffees in this main Point worthy of your Observation how by these means Pantagruel of one Angel made two which was a Contingency opposite to the Council of Charlemaine who made two Devils of one when he transplanted the Saxons into Flanders and the Flemins into Saxony For not being able to keep in such Subjection the Saxons whose Dominion he had joyned to the Empire but that ever and anon they would break forth into open Rebellion if he should casually be drawn into Spain or other remote Kingdoms He caused them to be brought unto his own Country of Flanders the Inhabitants whereof did naturally obey him and transported the Haynaults and Flemens his ancient loving Subjects into Saxony not mistrusting their Loyalty now that they were transplanted into a strange Land But it hapned that the Saxons persisted in their Rebellion and primitive Obstinacy and the Flemins dwelling in Saxony did imbibe the stubborn Manners and Conditions of the Saxons CHAP. II. How Panurge was made Laird of Salmygoudin in Dypsodie and did waste his Revenue before it came in WHilst Pantagruel was giving Order for the Government of all Dypsodie he assigned to Panurge the Lairdship of Salmygoudin which was yearly worth 6789106789 Ryals of certain Rent besides the uncertain Revenue of the Locusts and Periwinkles amounting one year with another to the value of 435768 or 2435769 French Crowns of Berry Sometimes it did amount to 1230554321 Seraphs when it was a good Year and that Locusts and Periwinkles were in request but that was not every Year Now his Worship the new Laird husbanded this his Estate so providently well and prudently that in less than fourteen days he wasted and dilapidated all the certain and uncertain Revenue of his Lairdship for three whole Years Yet did not he properly dilapidate it as you might say in founding of Monasteries building of Churches erecting of Colledges and setting up of Hospitals or casting his Bacon-Flitches to the Dogs but spent it in a thousand little Banquets and jolly Collations keeping open House for all Comers and Goers yea to all good Fellows young Girls and pretty
Wenches felling Timber burning the great Logs for the Sale of the Ashes borrowing Money before-hand buying dear selling cheap and eating his Corn as it were whilst it was but Grass Pantagruel being advertised of this his Lavishness was in good sooth no way offended at the matter angry nor sorry for I once told you and again tell it you that he was the best little great Goodman that ever girded a Sword to his Side he took all things in good part and interpreted every Action to the best Sence He never vexed nor disquieted himself with the least pretence of Dislike to any thing because he knew that he must have most grosly abandoned the Divine Mansion of Reason if he had permitted his Mind to be never so little grieved afflicted or altered at any occasion whatsoever For all the Goods that the Heaven covereth and that the Earth containeth in all their Dimensions of Heighth Depth Breadth and Length are not of so much worth as that we should for them disturb or disorder our Affections trouble or perplex our Senses or Spirits He drew only Panurge aside and then making to him a sweet Remonstrance and mild Admonition very gently represented before him in strong Arguments That if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of living and not become a better Mesnagier it would prove altogether impossible for him or at least hughly difficult at any time to make him rich Rich answered Panurge Have you fixed your Thoughts there Have you underraken the Task to enrich me in this World Set your Mind to live merrily in the Name of God and good Folks let no other Cark nor Care be harboured within the Sacro sanctified Domicile of your Celestial Brain May the Calmness and Tranquility thereof be never incommodated with or over-shadowed by any frowning Clouds of fullen Imaginations and displeasing Annoyance For if you live joyful meery jocund and glad I cannot be but rich enough Every body cries up thrift thrift and good Husbandry but many speak of Robin Hood that never shot in his Bow and talk of that Vertue of Mesnagery who know not what belong to it It is by me that they must be advised From me therefore take this Advertisement and Information that what is imputed to me for a Vice hath been done in imitation of the University and Parliament of Paris places in which is to be found the true Spring and Source of the lively Idea of Pantheology and all manner of Justice Let him be counted an Heretick that doubteth thereof and doth not firmly believe it Yet they in one day eat up their Bishop or the Revenue of the Bishoprick is it not all one for a whole year yea sometimes for two This is done on the day he makes his Entry and is installed Nor is there any place for an Excuse for he cannot avoid it unless he would be houted at and stoned for his Parsimony It hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the Habit of the Four Cardinal Vertues Of Prudence in borrowing Money before-hand for none knows what may fall out who is able to tell if the World shall last yet three years But although it should continue longer is there any Man so foolish as to have the Confidence to promise himself three years What fool so confident to say That he shall live one other day Of Commutative Iustice in buying dear I say upon trust and selling good cheap that is for ready Money what says Cato in his Book of Husbandry to this purpose The Father of a Family says he must be a perpetual Seller by which means it is impossible but that at last he shall become rich if he have of vendible Ware enough still ready for sale Of Distributive Iustice it doth partake in giving Entertainment to good remark good and gentle Fellows whom Fortune had Shipwrack'd like Ulysses upon the Rock of a hungry Stomach without provision of Sustenance And likewise to the good remark the good and young Wenches For according to the Sentence of Hippocrates Youth is impatient of Hunger chiefly if it be vigorous lively frolick brisk stirring and bouncing which wanton Lasses willingly and heartily devote themselves to the pleasure of Honest Men and are in so far both Platonick and Ciceronian that they do acknowledge their being born into this World not to be for themselves alone but that in their proper Persons their Acquaintance may claim one share and their Friends another The Vertue of Fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and overthrowing of the great Trees like a second Milo making Havock of the dark Forests which did serve only to furnish Dens Caves and Shelter to Wolves wild Boars and Foxes and afford Receptacles withdrawing Corners and Refuges to Robbers Thieves and Murtherers lurking holes and sculking places for Cut-throat Assassinators secret obscure Shops for Coiners of false money and safe Retreats for Hereticks laying them even and level with the plain Champian Fields and pleasant Heathy Ground at the sound of the Hau-bois and Bagpipes playing reeks with the high and stately Timber and preparing Seats and Benches for the Eve of the dreadful day of Judgment I gave thereby proof of my Temperance in eating my Corn whilst it was but Grass like an Hermit feeding upon Sallets and Roots that so affranchising my self from the Yoak of sensual Appetites to the utter disclaiming of their Sovereignty I might the better reserve somewhat in store for the relief of the lame blind cripple maimed needy poor and wanting Wretches In taking this course I save the Expence of the Weed-grubbers who gain Money of the Reapers in Harvest-time who drink lustily and without Water of Gleaners who will expect their Cakes and Bannocks of Threshers who leave no Garlick Scallions Leeks nor Onyons in our Gardens by the Authority of Thestilis in Virgil and of the Millers who are generally Thieves and of the Bakers who are little better is the small Saving or Frugality besides the mischief and damage of the Field-mice the decay of Barns and the destruction usually made by Weesils and other Vermin Of Corn in the Blade You may make good green Sauce of a light Concoction and easie Digestion which recreates the Brain and exhilerates the Animal Spirits rejoyceth the Sight openeth the Appetite delighteth the taste comforteth the Heart tickleth the Tongue cheareth the Countenance striking a fresh and lively Colour strengthening the Muscles tempers the Blood disburthens the Midrif refresheth the Liver disobstructs the Spleen easeth the Kidneys suppleth the Reins quickens the Joynts of the Back cleanseth the Urine-Conduits dilates the Spermatick Vessels shortens the Cremasters purgeth the Bladder puffeth up the Genitories correcteth the prepuce hardens the Nut and rectifies that Member It will make you have a current Belly to trot fart dung piss sneeze cough spit belch spew yawn snuff blow breath snort sweat and set taunt your Robin with a thousand other rare advantages I understand you very well says Pantagruel you
World most happy Yea thrice and four times blessed is that People I think in very deed that I am amongst them and swear to you by my good Forsooth that if this glorious aforesaid World had a Pope abounding with Cardinals that so he might have the Association of a Sacred Colledge in the space of very few years you should be sure to see the Sancts much thicker in the Roll more numerous wonder-working and mirifick more Services more Vows more Staves and Wax-Candles than are all those in the Nine Bishopricks of Britany St. Yves only excepted Consider Sir I pray you how the noble Patelin having a mind to Deity and extol even to the Third Heavens the Father of William Iosseaume said no more but this And he did lend his Goods to those who were desirous of them O the fine Saying Now let our Microcosm be fancied conform to this Model in all its Members lending borrowing and owing that is to say according to its own Nature For Nature hath not to any other end created Man but to owe borrow and lend no greater is the Harmony amongst the Heavenly Spheres than that which shall be found in its well-ordered Policy The Intention of the Founder of this Microcosm is to have a Soul therein to be entertained which is lodged there as a Guest with its Host it may live there for a while Life consisteth in Blood Blood is the Seat of the Soul therefore the chiefest Work of the Microcosm is to be making Blood continually At this Forge are exercised all the Members of the Body none is exempted from Labour each operates apart and doth its proper Office And such is their Hierarchy that perpetually the one borrows from the other the one lends the other and the one is the others Debtor The stuff and matter convenient which Nature giveth to be turned into Blood is Bread and Wine All kind of nourishing Victuals is understood to be comprehended in these two and from hence in the Gothish Tongue is called Companage To find out this Meat and Drink to prepare and boil it the Hands are put to Work the Feet do walk and bear up the whole Bulk of the Corporal Mass the Eyes guide and conduct all the Appetite in the Orifice of the Stomach by means of little sowrish black Humour called Melancholy which is transmitted thereto from the Milt giveth warning to shut in the Food The Tongue doth make the first Essay and tastes it the Teeth do chaw it and the Stomach doth receive digest and chylifie it the Mesaraick Veins suck out of it what is good and fit leaving behind the Excrements which are through special Conduits for that purpose voided by an expulsive Faculty thereafter it is carried to the Liver where it being changed again it by the vertue of that new Transmutation becomes Blood What Joy conjecture you will then be found amongst those Officers when they see this Rivolet of Gold which is their sole Restorative No greater is the Joy of Alchimists when after long Travel Toil and Expence they see in their Furnaces the Transmutation Then is it that every Member doth prepare it self and strive a-new to purifie and to refine this Treasure The Kidneys through the emulgent Veins draw that Aquosity from thence which you call Urine and there send it away through the Ureters to be slipt downwards where in a lower Recepticle and proper for it to wit the Bladder it is kept and stayeth there until an opportunity to void it out in his due time The Spleen draweth from the Blood its Terrestrial part viz. The Grounds Lees or thick Substance setled in the bottom thereof which you term Melancholy The Bottle of the Gall substracts from thence all the superfluous Choler whence it is brought to another Shop or Work-house to be yet better purified and fined that is the Heart which by its agitation of Diastolick and Systolick Motions so neatly subtilizeth and inflames it that in the right side Ventricle it is brought to perfection and through the Veins is sent to all the Members each parcel of the Body draws it then unto its self and after its own fashion is cherished and alimented by it Feet Hands Thighs Arms Eyes Ears Back Breast yea all and then it is that who before were Lenders now become Debtors The Heart doth in its left side Ventricle so thinnifie the Blood that it thereby obtains the Name of Spiritual which being sent through the Arteries to all the Members of the Body serveth to warm and winnow the other Blood which runneth through the Veins The Lights never cease with its Lappets and Bellows to cool and refresh it in acknowledgment of which good the Heart through the Arterial Vein imparts unto it the choicest of its Blood At last it is made so fine and subtle within the Rete Mirabilis that thereafter those Animal Spirits are framed and composed of it by means whereof the Imagination Discourse Judgment Resolution Deliberation Ratrocination and Memory have their Rise Actings and Operations Cops body I sink I drown I perish I wander astray and quite fly out of my self when I enter into the Consideration of the profound Abyss of this World thus lending thus owing Believe me it is a Divine thing to lend to owe an Heroick Vertue Yet is not this all this little World thus lending owing and borrowing is so good and charitable that no sooner is the above-specified Alimentation finished but that it forthwith projecteth and hath already forecast how it shall lend to those who are not as yet born and by that Loan endeavour what it may to eternize it self and multiply in Images like the Pattern that is Children To this end every Member hath of the choicest and most precious of its Nourishment pare and cut off a Portion then instantly dispatcheth it downwards to that place where Nature hath prepared for it very fit Vessels and Receptacles through which descending to the Genitories by long Ambages Circuits and Flexuosities it receiveth a competent Form and Rooms apt enough both in the Man and Woman for the future Conservation and perpetuating of Humane kind All this is done by Loans and Debts of the one unto the other and hence have we this word the Debt of Marriage Nature doth reckon Pain to the Refuser with a most grievous Vexation to his Members and an outragious Fury amidst his Senses But on the other part to the Lender a set Reward accompanied with Pleasure Joy Solace Mirth and merry Glee CHAP. V. How Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the Debtors and Borrowers I Understand you very well quoth Pantagruel and take you to be very good at Topicks and throughly affectioned to your own Cause But preach it up and patrocinate it prattle on it and defend it as much as you will even from hence to the next Whitsuntide if you please so to do yet in the end will you be astonished to find how you shall have gained no ground at all upon
doth not communicate unto this Earth of ours that Light which she receiveth from the Sun with so much Splendor Heat Vigour Purity and Liveliness as it was given her Hence it is requisite for the better reading explaining and unfolding of these Somniatory Vaticiations and Predictions of that nature that a dexterous learned skilful wise industrious expert rational and peremptory Expounder or Interpreter be pitched upon such a one as by the Greeks is called Onirocrit or Oniropolist For this cause Heraclitus was wont to say that nothing is by Dreams revealed to us that nothing is by Dreams concealed from us and that only we thereby have a mystical Signification and secret Evidence of things to come either for own prosperous or unlucky Fortune or for the favourable or disastrous Success of another The Sacred Scriptures testifie no less and profane Histories assure us of it in both which are exposed to our view a thousand several kinds of strange Adventures which have befallen pat according to the nature of the Dream and that as well to the Party Dreamer as to others The Atlantick People and those that inhabit the Land of Thasos one of the Cyclades are of this grand Commodity deprived for in their Countries none yet ever dreamed Of this sort Cleon of Daulia Thrasymedes and in our days the Learned Frenchman Villanovanus neither of all which knew what Dreaming was Fail not therefore to morrow when the jolly and fair Aurora with her rosie Fingers draweth aside the Curtains of the Night to drive away the sable Shades of Darkness to bend your Spirits wholly to the task of sleeping sound and thereto apply your self In the mean while you must denude your Mind of every Humane Passion or Affection such as are Love and Hatred Fear and Hope for as of old the great Vaticinator most famous and renowned Prophet Proteus was not able in his Disguise or Transformation into Fire Water a Tyger a Dragon and other such like uncouth Shapes and Visors to presage any thing that was to come till he was restored to his own first natural and kindly Form Just so doth Man for at his reception of the Art of Divination and Faculty of prognosticating future things that part in him which is the most Divine to wit the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or Mens must be calm peaceable untroubled quiet still husht and not imbusied or distracted with Foreign Soul-disturbing Preturbations I am content quoth Panurge But I pray you Sir must I this Evening e're I go to Bed eat much or little I do not ask this without Cause For if I sup not well large round and amply my sleeping is not worth a forked Turnep all the Night long I then but dose and rave and in my slumbering Fits talk idle Nonsence my Thoughts being in a dull brown Study and as deep in their Dumps as is my Belly hollow Not to sup answered Pantagruel were best for you considering the state of your Complexion and healthy Constitution of your Body A certain very ancient Prophet named Amphiaraus wished such as had a mind by Dreams to be imbued with any Oracles for Four and Twenty Hours to taste no Victuals and to abstain from Wine three days together yet shall not you be put to such a sharp hard rigorous and extream sparing Diet. I am truly right apt to believe that a Man whose Stomach is repleat with various Cheer and in a manner surfeited with drinking is hardly able to conceive aright of Spiritual things yet am not I of the Opinion of those who after long and pertinacious Fastings think by such means to enter more profoundly into the Speculation of Celestial Mysteries You may very well remember how my Father Gargantua whom here for Honour sake I name hath often told us that the Writings of abstinent abstemious and long-fasting Hermits were every whit as saltless dry jejune and insipid as were there Bodies when they did compose them It is a most difficult thing for the Spirits to be in a good plight serene and lively when there is nothing in the Body but a kind of Voidness and Inanity Seeing the Philosophers with the Physicians jointly affirm that the Spirits which are styled Animal spring from and have their constant practice in and through the Arterial Blood refin'd and purify'd to the Life within the admirable Net which wonderfully framed lieth under the Ventricles and Tunnels of the Brain He gave us also the Example of the Philosopher who when he thought most seriously to have withdrawn himself unto a solitary Privacy far from the rusling clutterments of the tumultuous and confused World the better to improve his Theory to contrive comment and ratiocinate was notwithstanding his uttermost endeavours to free himself from all untoward noises surrounded and environ'd about so with the barking of Currs bawling of Mastiffs bleating of Sheep prating of Parrets tatling of Jackdaws grunting of Swine girning of Boars yelping of Foxes mewing of Cats cheeping of Mice squeaking of Weasils croaking of Frogs crowing of Cocks kekling of Hens calling of Partridges chanting of Swans chattering of Jays peeping of Chickens singing of Larks creaking of Geese chirping of Swallows clucking of Moorfowls cucking of Cuckows bumling of Bees rammage of Hawks chiâ—ming of Linots croaking of Ravens screeching of Owls whicking of Pigs gushing of Hogs curring of Pigeons grumbling of Cushet-doves howling of Panthers curkling of Quails chirping of Sparrows crackling of Crows nuzzing of Camels wheening of Whelps buzzing of Dromedaries mumbling of Rabets cricking of Ferrets humming of Wasps mioling of Tygers bruzzing of Bears sussing of Kitnings clamring of Scarfes whimpring of Fullmarts boing of Buffalos warbling of Nightingales quavering of Meavises drintling of Turkies coniating of Storks frantling of Peacocks clattering of Mag-pyes murmuring of Stock-doves crouting of Cormorants cigling of Locusts charming of Beagles guarring of Puppies snarling of Messens rantling of Rats guerieting of Apes snuttering of Monkies pioling of Pelicanes quecking of Ducks yelling of Wolves roaring of Lions neighing of Horses crying of Elephants hissing of Serpents and wailing of Turtles that he was much more troubled than if he had been in the middle of the Crowd at the Fair of Fontenoy or Niort Just so is it with those who are tormented with the grievous pangs of Hunger the Stomach begins to gnaw and bark as it were the Eyes to look dim and the Veins by greedily sucking some refection to themselves from the proper substance of all the Members of a Fleshy Consistence violently pull down and draw back that vagrant roaming Spirit careless and neglecting of his Nurse and natural Host which is the Body As when a Hawk upon the Fist willing to take her Flight by a soaring aloft into the open spacious Air is on a sudden drawn back by a Leash tied to her Feet To this purpose also did he alledge unto us the Authority of Homer the Father of all Philosophy who said that the Grecians did not put an end to their mournful mood
Tent under a precious stately Canopy within a glorious and sublime Pavilion or yet on a soft Couch betwixt rich Curtains of Cloth of Gold without affrightment at long intermediate Respits enjoying of Pleasures and Delights a Belly-full all at great ease with a huge fly-flap Fan of Crimson Sattin and a Bunch of Feathers of some East-Indian Ostrich serving to give Chace unto the Flyes all round about whilst in the Interim the Female picks her Teeth with a stiff Straw pick'd even then from out of the bottom of the Bed she lies on If you be not content with this my Exposition are you of the mind that my Wife will suck and sup me up as People use to gulp and swallow Oysters out of the Shell Or as the Cilician Women according to the Testimony of Dioscorides were wont to do the Grain of Alkermes Assuredly that is an Error Who seizeth on it doth neither gulch up nor swill down but takes away what hath been packed up catcheth snatcheth and plies the Play of Hey pass Repass The Fourth Article doth imply That my Wife will flay me but not at all O the fine Word You interpret this to beating Strokes and Blows Speak wisely Will you eat a Pudding Sir I beseech you to raise up your Spirits above the low-sized pitch of earthly Thoughts unto that hight of sublime Contemplation which reacheth to the Apprehension of the Mysteries and Wonders of Dame Nature And here be pleased to condemn your self by a renouncing of those Errors which you have committed very grosly and somewhat perversly in expounding the Prophetick Sayings of the Holy Sybil. Yet put the case albeit I yield not to it that by the Instigation of the Devil my Wife should go about to wrong me make me a Cuckold downwards to the very Breech disgrace me otherways steal my Goods from me yea and lay violently her Hands upon me she nevertheless should fail of her Attempts and not attain to the proposed end of her unreasonable Undertakings The Reason which induceth me hereto is grounded totally on this last Point which is extracted from the profoundest Privacies of a Monastick Pantheology as good Friar Arther Wagtaile told me once upon a Monday morning as we were if I have not forgot eating a Bushel of Trotter-pies and I remember well it rained hard God give him the good Morrow The Women at the beginning of the World or a little after conspired to flay the Men quick because they found the Spirit of Mankind inclined to domineer it and bear rule over them upon the face of the whole Earth and in pursuit of this their Resolution promised confirmed sworn and covenanted amongst them all by the pure Faith they owe to the nocturnal Sanct Rogero But O the vain Enterprises of Women O the great Fragility of that Sex Feminine They did begin to flay the Man or pill him as says Catullus at that Member which of all the Body they loved best to wit the nervous and cavernous Cane and that above five thousand years ago yet have they not of that small part alone flayed any more till this hour but the Head In meer despite whereof the Iews snip off that parcel of the Skin in Circumcision choosing far rather to be called Clip-yards Raskals than to be flayed by Women as are other Nations My Wife according to this Female Covenant will flay it to me if it be not so already I heartily grant my Consent thereto but will not give her leave to flay it all Nay truly will I not my noble King Yea but quoth Epistemon you say nothing of her most dreadful Cries and Exclamations when she and we both saw the Lawrel-bough burn without yielding any noise or crackling You know it is a very dismal Omen an inauspicious sign unlucky judice and token formidable bad disastrous and most unhappy as is certified by Propertius Tibullus the quick Philosopher Porphyrius Eustachius on the Iliads of Homer and by many others Verily verily quoth Panurge brave are the Allegations which you bring me and Testimonies of two-footed Calves These Men were Fools as they were Poets and Dotards as they were Philosophers full of Folly as they were of Philosophy CHAP. XIX How Pantagruel praiseth the Counsel of Dumb Men. PAntagruel when this Discourse was ended held for a pretty while his Peace seeming to be exceeding sad and pensive then said to Panurge the malignant Spirit misleads beguileth and seduceth you I have read that in times past the surest and most veritable Oracles were not those which either were delivered in Writing or utter'd by word of Mouth in speaking For many times in their Interpretation right witty learned and ingenious Men have been deceived thro' Amphibolories Equivoks and Obscurity of Words no less than by the brevity of their Sentences For which cause Apollo the God of Vaticination was Surnamed 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Those which were represented then by Signs and outward Gestures were accounted the truest and the most infallible Such was the Opinion of Heraclitus And Iupitur did himself in this manner give forth in Amon frequently Predictions Nor was he single in this Practice for Apollo did the like amongst the Assyrians His prophesying thus unto those People moved them to paint him with a large long Beard and Cloaths beseeming an old setled Person of a most posed stayed and grave Behaviour not naked young and beardless as he was pourtrayed most usually amongst the Graecians Let us make trial of this kind of Fatidicency and go you take Advice of some dumb Person without any speaking I am content quoth Panurge But says Pantagruel it were requisite that the Dumb you consult with be such as have been deaf from the hour of their Nativity and consequently dumb for none can be so lively natural and kindly dumb as he who never heard How is it quoth Panurge that you conceive this matter If you apprehend it so that never any spoke who had not before heard the Speech of others I will from that Antecedent bring you to infer very logically a most absurd and paradoxical Conclusion But let it pass I will not insist on it You do not then believe what Herodotus wrote of two Children who at the special Command and Appointment of Psammeticus King of Egypt having been kept in a petty Country Cottage where they were nourished and entertained in a perpetual silence did at last after a certain long space of time pronounce this word Bee which in the Phrygian Language signifieth Bread Nothing less quoth Pantagruel do I believe than that it is a meer abusing of our Understandings to give Credit to the words of those who say that there is any such thing as a Natural Language All Speeches have had their primary Origin from the Arbitrary Institutions Accords and Agreements of Nations in their respective Condescendments to what should be noted and betokened by them An Articulate Voice according to the Dialecticians hath naturally no signification at all for
That Hercules at his Descent into Hell to all the Devils of those Regions did not by half so much terrifie them with his Club and Lion's Skin as afterwards Aeneas did with his clear shining Armour upon him and his Sword in his hand well furbished and unrusted by the Aid Council and Assistance of the Sybilla Cumana That was perhaps the reason why the Senior Ihon Iacomo di Trivulcio whilst he was a dying at Chartres called for his Cutlass and died with a Drawn Sword in his hand laying about him alongst and athwart around the Bed and every where within his reach like a stout doughty valorous and Knight-like Cavaleer By which resolute manner of Fence he scared away and put to flight all the Devils that were then lying in wait for his Soul at the passage of his Death When the Malsorets and Cabalists are asked Why it is that none of all the Devils do at any time enter into the Terestrial Paradice Their Answer hath been is and will be still That there is a Cherubin standing at the Gate thereof with a Flame-like glistering Sword in his hand Although to speak in the true Diabological Sence or Phrase of Toledo I must needs confess and acknowledge that veritably the Devils cannot be killed or die by the stroke of a Sword I do nevertheless avow and maintain according to the Doctrine of the said Diabology that they may suffer a Solution of Continuity as if with thy Shable thou shouldst cut athwart the Flamme of a burning Fire or the gross opacous Exhalations of a thick and obscure Smoak and cry out like very Devils at their Sense and Feeling of this Dissolution which in real Deed I must averr and affirm is devilishly painful smarting and dolorous When thou seest the impetuous Shock of two Armies and vehement Violence of the Push in their horrid Encounter with one another dost thou think Balockasso that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from the Voice and Shouts of Men The dashing and joulting of Harnish The clattering and clashing of Armies The hacking and slashing of Battle-Axes The justling and crashing of Pikes The bustling and breaking of Lances The Clamour and Skrieks of the Wounded The sound and din of Drums The Clangour and Shrilness of Trumpets The neighing and rushing in of Horses with the fearful Claps and thundering of all sorts of Guns from the Double Canon to the Pocket Pistol inclusively I cannot Goodly deny but that in these various things which I have rehearsed there may be somewhat occasionative of the huge Yell and Tintamarre of the two engaged Bodies But the most fearful and tumultuous Coil and Stir the terriblest and most boisterous Garboil and Hurry the chiefest rustling Black Santus of all and most principal Hurly Burly springeth from the grievously plangorous howling and lowing of Devils who Pell-mell in a hand-over-head Confusion waiting for the poor Souls of the maimed and hurt Soldiery receive unawares some Stroaks with Swords and so by those means suffering a Solution of and Division in the Continuity of their Aerial and Invisible Substances As if some Lackey snatching at the Lard-slices stuck in a piece of Roast-meat on the Spit should get from Mr. Greazyfist a good rap on the Knuckles with a Cudgel they cry out and shout like Devils Even as Mars did when he was hurt by Diomedes at the Siege of Troy who as Homer testifieth of him did then raise his Voice more horrifically loud and sonoriferously high than ten thousand Men together would have been able to do What maketh all this for our present purpose I have been speaking here of well-furbished Armour and bright shining Swords But so is it not Friar Ihon with thy Weapon for by a long discontinuance of Work cessation from Labour desisting from making it officiate and putting it into that practice wherein it had been formerly accustomed and in a word for want of occupation it is upon my Faith become more rusty than the Key-hole of an old Poudering-Tub Therefore it is expedient that you do one of these two either furbish your Weapon bravely and as it ought to be or otherwise have a care that in the rusty case it is in you do not presume to return to the House of Raminagrobis For my part I vow I will not go thither the Devil take me if I go CHAP. XXIV How Panurge consulteth with Epistemon HAving left the Town of Villomere as they were upon their return towards Pantâ—gruel Panurge in addressing his Discourse to Epistemon spoke thus My most ancient Friend and Gossip thou seest the perplexity of my Thoughts and knowest many Remedies for the removal thereof art thou not able to help and succour me Epistemon thereupon taking the Speech in hand represented unto Panurge how the open Voice and common Fame of the whole Country did run upon no other Discourse but the derision and mockery of his new Disguise wherefore his Counsel unto him was that he would in the first place be pleased to make use of a little Hellebore for the purging of his Brain of that peccant â—umour which thro' that extravagant and fantastick Mummery of his had furnished the People with a too just occasion of flouting and gibbing jeering and scoffing him and that next he would resume his ordinary Fashion of Accoutrement and go apparelled as he was wont to do I am quoth Panurge my dear Gossip Epistemon of a mind and resolution to Marry but am afraid of being a Cuckold and to be unfortunate in my Wedlock For this cause have I made a Vow to young St. Francis who at Plessiletours is much reverenced of all Women earnestly cried unto by them and with great Devotion for he was the first Founder of the Confraternity of good Men whom they naturally covet affect and long for to wear Spectacles in my Cap and to carry no Codpiece in my Breeches until the present Inquietude and Perturbation of my Spirits be fully setled Truly quoth Epistemon that is a pretty jolly Vow of Thirteen to a Dozen It is a shame to you and I wonder much at it that you do not return unto your self and recall your Senses from this their wild swarving and straying abroad to that rest and stilness which becomes a vertuous Man This whimsical Conceit of yours brings me to the remembrance of a solemn Promise made by the Shaghaired Argives who having in their Controversie against the Lacedemonians for the Terretory of Tyree lost the Battle which they hoped should have decided it for their Advantage vowed to carry never any hair on their Heads till preallably they had recovered the loss of both their Honour and Lands As likewise to the memory of the Vow of a pleasant Spaniard called Michel Doris who vowed to carry in his Hat a piece of the Shin of his Leg till he should be revenged of him who had struck it off Yet do not I know which of these two deserveth most to wear a Green and Yellow
is to ejaculate the Moisture for the Propagation of Humane Progeny Least you should think it is not so be pleased but to contemplate a little the Form Fashion and Carriage of a Man exceeding earnestly set upon some Learned Meditation and deeply plunged therein and you shall see how all the Arteries of his Brains are stretched forth and bent like the String of a Cross-bow the more promptly dexterously and copiously to suppeditate furnish and supply him with store of Spirits sufficient to replenish and fill up the Ventricles Seats Tunnels Mansions Receptacles and Celluls of the common Sense of the Imagination Apprehension and Fancy of the Ratiocination Arguing and Resolution as likewise of the Memory Recordation and Remembrance and with great alacrity nimbleness and agility to run pass and course from the one to the other through those Pipes Windings and Conduits which to skilful Anatomists are perceivable at the end of the Wonderful Net where all the Arteries close in a terminating Point which Arteries taking their rise and origine from the left Capsul of the Heart bring through several Circuits Ambages and Anfractuosities the Vital to subtilize and refine them to the Aetherial Purity of Animal Spirits Nay in such a studiously musing Person you may espy so extravagant Raptures of one as it were out of himself that all his Natural Faculties for that time will seem to be suspended from each their proper charge and office and his exteriour Senses to be at a stand In a word you cannot otherways choose then think that he is by an extraordinary Extasie quite transported out of what he was or should be and that Socrates did not speak improperly when he said That Philosophy was nothing else but a Meditation upon Death This possibly is the reason why Democritus deprived himself of the Sense of Seeing prizing at a much lower rate the loss of his Sight than the diminution of his Contemplations which he frequently had found disturbed by the vagrant flying-out strayings of his unsetled and roving Eyes Therefore is it that Pallas the Goddess of Wisdom Tutress and Guardianess of such as are diligently studious and painfully industrious is and hath been still accounted a Virgin The Muses upon the same consideration are esteemed perpetual Maids and the Graces for the like reason have been held to continue in a sempiternal Pudicity I remember to have read that Cupid on a time being asked of his Mother Venus why he did not assault and set upon the Muses his Answer was That he found them so fair so sweet so fine so neat so wise so learned so modest so discreet so courteous so vertuous and so continually busied and employed One in the Speculation of the Stars another in the Supputation of Numbers the Third in the Dimension of Geometrical Quantities the Fourth in the Composition of Heroick Poems the Fifth in the jovial Interludes of a Comick Strain the Sixth in the stately Gravity of a Tragick Vein the Seventh in the Melodious Disposition of Musical Airs the Eighth in the compleatest manner of Writing Histories and Books on all sorts of Subjects and the Ninth in the Mysteries Secrets and Curiosities of all Sciences Faculties Disciplines and Arts whatsoever whether Liberal or Mechanick that apâ—proaching near unto them he unbended his Bow shut his Quiver and extinguished his Torch through meer shame and fear that by mischance he might do them some hurt or prejudice which done he thereafter put off the Fillet wherewith his Eyes were bound to look them in the Face and to hear their Melody and Poetick Odes There took he the greatest pleasure in the World that many times he was transported with their Beauty and pretty Behaviour and charmed asleep by the Harmony so far was he from assaulting them or interrupting their Studies Under this Article may be comprised what Hippocrates wrote in the aforecited Treatise concerning the Scythians as also that in a Book of his entituled Of Breeding and Production where he hath affirmed all such Men to be unfit for Generation as have their Parotid Arteries cut whose Situation is beside the Ears for the reason given already when I was speaking of the resolution of the Spirits and of that Spiritual Blood whereof the Arteries are the sole and proper Receptacles and that likewise he doth maintain a large portion of the Parastatick Liquor to issue and descend from the Brains and Back-bone Fifthly By the too frequent reiteration of the Act of Venery There did I wait for you quoth Panurge and shall willingly apply it to my self whilst any one that pleaseth may for me make use of any of the four preceding That is the very same thing quoth Fryar Ihon which Father Scyllino Prior of Saint Victor at Marseilles calleth by the Name of Maceration and taming of the Flesh. I am of the same Opinion and so was the Hermite of Saint Radegonde a little above Chinon for quoth he the Hermites of Thebaida can no more aptly or expediently macerate and bring down the Pride of their Bodies daunt and mortifie their leacherous Sensuality or depress and overcome the stubbornness and rebellion of the Flesh then by dufling and fanferluching it Five and twenty or Thirty times a day I see Panurge quoth Rondibilis neatly featured and proportioned in all the Members of his Body of a good temperament in his Humors well complexioned in his Spirits of a competent Age in an opportune Time and of a reasonably forward Mind to be married truly if he encounter with a Wife of the like Nature Temperament and Constitution he may beget upon her Children worthy of some Transpontine Monarchy and the sooner he marry it will be the better for him and the more conducible for his Profit if he would see and have his Children in his own time well provided for Sir my worthy Master quoth Panurge I will do it do not you doubt thereof and that quickly enough I warrant you Nevertheless whilst you were busied in the uttering of your Learned Discourse this Flea which I have in mine Ear hath tickled me more then ever I retain you in the Number of my Festival Guests and promise you that we shall not want for Mirth and Good Chear enough yea over and above the ordinary Rate And if it may please you desire your Wife to come along with you together with her She-Friends and Neighbours That is to be understood and there shall be fair Play CHAP. XXXII How Rondibilis declareth Cuckoldry to be naturally one of the Appendances of Marriage THere remaineth as yet quoth Panurge going on in his Discourse one small scruple to be cleared you have seen heretofore I doubt not in the Roman Standards S. P. Q. R. Si Peu Que Rien Shall not I be a Cuckold By the Haven of Safety cried out Rondibilis what is this you ask of me If you shall be a Cuckold My Noble Friend I am married and you are like to be so very speedily therefore be pleased
in regard of the maturity of Age wherein of old they married was held sufficient for the Discovery they might pitch the more suitably in case of their first Husbands Decease upon a Second Match The fertile Women to be wedded to those who desire to multiply their Issue and the steril ones to such other Mates as misregarding the storing of their own Lineage choose them only for their Vertues Learning Genteel Behaviour Domestick Consolation management of the House and Matrimonial Conveniences and Comforts and such like The Preacher of Varennes saith Panarge detest and abhor the Second Marriages as altogether foolish and dishonest Foolish and dishonest quoth Pantagruel a plague take such Preachers Yea but quoth Panurge the like Mischief also befal the Friar Charmer who in a full Auditory making a Sermon at Perille and therein abominating the Reiteration of Marriage and the entring again in the Bonds of a Nuptial Tie did swear and heartily give himself to the swiftest Devil in Hell if he had not rather choose and would much more willingly undertake the unmaidning or depucelating of a hundred Virgins than the simple Drudgery of one Widow Truly I find your Reason in that point right good and strongly grounded But what would you think if the Cause why this Exemption or Immunity was granted had no other Foundation but that during the whole space of the said first year they so lustily bobbed it with their Female Consorts as both Reason and Equity require they should do that they had drained and evacuated their Spermatick Vessels and were become thereby altogether feeble weak emasculated drooping and flaggingly pithless yea in such sort that they in the day of Battel like Ducks which plunge over Head and Ears would sooner hide themselves behind the Baggage than in the Company of valiant Fighters and daring Military Combatants appear where stern Bellona deals her Blows and moves a bustling Noise of Thwacks and Thumps Nor is it to be thought that under the Standard of Mars they will so much as once strike a fair Stroke because their most considerable Knocks have been already jerked and whirrited within the Curtines of his Sweet-heart Venus In confirmation whereof amongst other Relicks and Monuments of Antiquity we now as yet often see that in all great Houses after the expiring of some few days these young married Blades are readily sent away to visit their Uncles that in the Absence of their Wives reposing themselves a little they may recover their decayed Strength by the Recruit of a fresh Supply the more vigorous to return again and face about to renew the dueling Shock and Conflict of an amorous Dalliance Albeit for the greater part they have neither Uncle nor Aunt to go to Just so did the King Crackart after the Battle of the Cornets not cashier us speaking properly I mean me and the Quailecaller but for our Refreshment remanded us to our Houses and he is as yet seeking after his own My Grandfathers Godmother was wont to say to me when I was a Boy Patonisters Oraisons Sont pour ceux-la qui les retiennent Un fiffre en frenaisons Est plus fort que deux qui en viennent Not Orisons nor Patrenotres Shall ever disorder my Brain One Cadet to the Field as he flutters Is worth two when they end the Campagn That which prompteth me to that Opinion is that the Vine-Planters did seldom eat of the Grapes or drink of the Wine of their Labour till the first year was wholly elapsed During all which time also the Builders did hardly inhabit their new structured Dwelling places for fear of dying suffocated through want of Respiration as Galen hath most learnedly remarked in the Second Book of the Difficulty of Breathing Under favour Sir I have not asked this Question without Cause causing and Reason truly very ratiocinant Be not offended I pray you CHAP. VII How Panurge had a Flea in his Ear and forbore to wear any longer his magnificent Codpiece PAnurge the day thereafter caused pierce his right Ear after the Pewish Fashion and thereto clasped a little Gold Ring of a Fearny-like kind of Workmanship in the Beazil or Collet whereof was set and inchased a Flea and to the end you may be rid of all Doubts you are to know that the Flea was black O what a brave thing it is in every case and circumstance of a matter to be throughly well informed The Sum of the Expence hereof being cast up brought in and laid down upon his Council-board Carpet was found to amount to no more quarterly than the Charge of the Nuptials of a Hircanian Tigress even as you would say 600000 Maravedis At these vast Costs and excessive Disbursements as soon as he perceived himself to be out of Debt he fretted much and afterwards as Tyrants and Lawyers use to do he nourish'd and fed her with the Sweat and Blood of his Subjects and Clients He then took four French Ells of a course brown Russet Cloth and therein apparelling himself as with a long plain-seemed and single-stitched Gown left off the wearing of his Breeches and tied a pair of Spectacles to his Cap. In this Equipage did he present himself before Pantagruel to whom this Disguise appeared the more strange that he did not as before see that goodly fair and stately Codpiece which was the sole Anchor of Hope wherein he was wonted to rely and last Refuge he had ' midst all the Waves and boysterous Billows which a stormy Cloud in a cross Fortune would raise up against him Honest Pantagruel not understanding the Mystery asked him by way of interrogatory what he did intend to personate in that new-fangled Prosopopeia I have answered Panurge a Flea in mine Ear and have a mind to marry In a good time quoth Pantagruel you have told me joyful Tidings yet would not I hold a red hot Iron in my hand for all the Gladness of them But it is not the fashion of Lovers to be accoutred in such dangling Vestments so as to have their Shirts flagging down over their Knees without Breeches and with a long Robe of a dark brown mingled Hue which is a Colour never used in Talarian Garments amongst any Persons of Honour Quality or Vertue If some Heretical Persons and Schismatical Sectaries have at any time formerly been so arrayed and cloathed though many have imputed such a kind of Dress to Cosenage Cheat Imposture and an Affectation of Tyranny upon credulous Minds of the rude Multitude I will nevertheless not blame them for it nor in that point judge rashly or sinistrously of them every one overflowingly aboundeth in his own Sense and Fancy Yea in things of a Foreign Consideration altogether extrinsical and indifferent which in and of themselves are neither commendable nor bad because they proceed not from the Interior of the Thoughts and Heart which is the Shop of all Good and Evil. Of Goodness if it be upright and that its Affections be regulated by the
pure and clean Spirit of Righteousness and on the other side of Wickedness if its Inclinations straying beyond the bounds of Equity be corrupted and depraved by the Malice and Suggestions of the Devil It is only the Novelty and new-fangledness thereof which I dislike together with the Contempt of common Custom and the Fashion which is in use The Colour answered Panurge is convenient for it is conform to that of my Council-Board Carpet therefore will I henceforth hold me with it and more narrowly and circumspectly than ever hitherto I have done look to my Affairs and Business Seeing I am once out of Debt you never yet saw Man more unpleasing then I will be if God help me not Lo here be my Spectacles To see me afar off you would readily say that it were Fryar Burgess I believe certainly that in the next ensuing Year I shall once more preach the Croisade Bounce Buckram Do you see this Russet doubt not but there lurketh under it some hid Property and occult Vertue known to very few in the World I did not take it on before this Morning and nevertheless am already in a rage of Lust mad after a Wife and vehemently hot upon untying the Codpiece-point I itch I tingle I wriggle and long exceedingly to be married that without the danger of Cudgel-blows I may labour my Female Copes-mate with the hard push of a Bull-horned Devil O the provident and thrifty Husband that I then will be After my Death with all Honour and Respect due to my Frugality will they burn the Sacred Bulk of my Body of purpose to preserve the Ashes thereof in memory of the choicest Pattern that ever was of a perfectly wary and compleat Housholder Cops-body this is not the Carpet whereon my Treasurer shall be allowed to play false in his Accompts with me by setting down an X for an V or an L for an S for in that case should I make a hail of Fifti-cuffs to fly into his face Look upon me Sir both before and behind it is made after the manner of a Toge which was the ancient fashion of the Romans in time of Peace I took the Mode Shape and Form thereof in Trajan's Column at Rome as also in the Triumphant Arch of Septimus Severus I am tired of the Wars weary of wearing Buff-coats Cassocks and Hoquetons My Shoulders are pitifully worn and bruised with the carrying of Harness let Armour cease and the Long Robe bear sway at least it must be so for the whole space of the succeeding Years If I be married as yesterday by the Mosaick Law you evidenced in what concerneth the Breeches my great Aunt Laurence did long ago tell me that the Breeches were only ordained for the use of the Codpiece and to no other end which I upon a no less forcible consequence give Credit to every whit as well as to the Saying of the fine Fellow Galen who in his Ninth Book Of the Use and Employment of our Members alledgeth That the Head was made for the Eyes for Nature might have placed our Heads in our Knees or Elbows but having before-hand determined that the Eyes should serve to discover things from afar she for the better enabling them to execute their designed Office fixed them in the Head as on the top of a long Pole in the most eminent part of all the Body no otherwise then we see the Phares or high Towers erected in the Mouths of Havens that Navigators may the further off perceive with ease the Lights of the nightly Fires and Lanterns And because I would gladly for some short while a Year at least take a little rest and breathing-time from the toylsome Labour of the Military Profession that is to say be married I have desisted from wearing any more a Codpiece and consequently have laid aside my Breeches for the Codpiece is the principal and most especial Piece of Armour that a Warriour doth carry and therefore do I maintain even to the Fire exclusively understand you me that no Turks can properly be said to be armed Men in regard that Codpieces are by their Law forbidden to be worn CHAP. VIII Why the Codpiece is held to be the chief piece of Armour amongst Warriours WIll you maintain quoth Pantagruel that the Codpiece is the chief piece of a Military Harness It is a new kind of Doctrine very paradoxical for we say at Spurs begins the arming of a Man Sir I maintain it answered Panurge and not wrongfully do I maintain it Behold how Nature having a fervent desire after its Production of Plants Trees Shrubs Herbs Sponges and plant Animals to eternize and continue them unto all Succession of Ages in their several Kinds or Sorts at least although the Individuals perish unruinable and in an everlasting Being hath most curiously armed and fenced their Buds Sprouts Shutes and Seeds wherein the above-mentioned perpetuity consisteth by strengthning covering guarding and fortifying them with an admirable industry with Husks Cases Scurfs and Swads Hulls Cods Stones Films Cartels Shells Ears Rinds Barks Skins Ridges and Prickles which serve them instead of strong fair and natural Codpieces as is manifestly apparent in Pease Beans Fasels Pomegranates Peaches Cottons Gourds Pumpions Melons Corn Lemons Almonds Walnuts Filberts and Chestnuts as likewise in all Plants Slips or Sets whatsoever wherein it is plainly and evidently seen that the Sperm and Semenae is more closely veiled overshadowed corroborated and throughly harnessed than any other part portion or parcel of the whole Nature nevertheless did not after that manner provide for the sempiternizing of Human Race but on the contrary created Man naked tender and frail without either offensive or defensive Arms and that in the Estate of Innocence in the first Age of all which was the Golden Season not as a Plant but living Creature born for Peace not War and brought forth into the World with an unquestionable Right and Title to the plenary fruition and enjoyment of all Fruits and Vegetables as also to a certain calm and gentle Rule and Dominion over all Kinds of Beasts Fowls Fishes Reptils and Insects Yet afterwards it hapning in the time of the Iron Age under the Reign of Iupiter when to the multiplication of mischievous Actions wickedness and malice began to take root and footing within the then perverted Hearts of Men that the Earth began to bring forth Nettles Thistles Thorns Bryars and such other stubborn and rebellious Vegetables to the Nature of Man nor scarce was there any Animal which by a fatal disposition did not then revolt from him and tacitly conspire and covenant with one another to serve him no longer nor in case of their ability to resist to do him any manner of Obedience but rather to the uttermost of their power to annoy him with all the hurt and harm they could The Man then that he might maintain his primimitive Right and Prerogative and continue his Sway and Dominion over all both Vegetable and Sensitive Creatures