yea it was so fixed on Eternity and on the things about the Kingdome of Heaven that is so far as I knew though as yet God knows I knew but little that neither pleasures nor profits nor perswasions nor threats could loosen it or make it let go its hold and thouâ—h I may speak it with shame yet it is in very deed a certain truth it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth as I have found it often since to get it again from earth to heaven 34. And now me thought I began to look into the Bible with new eyes and read as I never did before and especially the Epistles of the Apostle Paul were sweet and pleasant to me and indeed I was then never out of the Bible either by reading or meditation still crying out to God that I might know the truth and way to heaven and glory 35. And as I went on and read I lighted on that passage To one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdome to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit and to another Faith c. 1 Cor. 12. And though as I have since seen that by this Scripture the holy Ghost intends in special things extraordinary yet on me it then did fasten with conviction that I did want things ordinary even that understanding and wisdome that other Christians had On this word I mused and could not tell what to do for I feared it shut me out of all the blessings that other good people had given them of God but I was loath to conclude I had no Faith in my soul for if I do so thought I then I shall count my self a very Cast-away indeed 36. No said I with my self though I am convinced that I am an ignorant Sot and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other good people have yet at a venture I will conclude I am not altogether faithless though I know not what Faith is For it was shewed me and that too as I have since seen by Satan That those who conclude themselves in a faithless state have neither rest nor quiet in their Souls and â— was loath to fall quite into despair 37. Wherefore by this suggestion I was for a while made afraid to see my want of Faith but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my Soul but did continually against this my blinde and sad conclusion create still within me such suppositions That I might in this deceive my self that I could not rest conâ—ent until I did now come to some certain knowledge whether I had Faith or no this always running in my minde But how if you want Faith indeed but how can you tell you have Faith 38. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the business of Faith yet in a little time I better considering the matter was willing to put my self upon the tryal whether I had Faith or no. But alas poor Wretch so ignorant and brutish was I that I knew to this day no more how to do it than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of Art which I never yet saw nor considered 39. Wherefore while I was thus considering and being put to my plunge about it for you must know that as yet I had in this matter broken my mind to no man onely did hear and consider the Tempter came in with this delusion That there was no way for me to know I had Faith but by trying to work some miracle urging those Scriptures that seem to look that way for the inforcing and strengthening his Temptation Nay one day as I was betwixt Elstow and Bedford the temptation was hot upon me to try if I had Faith by doing of some miracle which miracle at that time was this I must say to the puddles that were in the horse pads Be dry and to the dry places Be you the puddles and truly one time I was a going to say so indeed but just as I was about to speak this thought came into my minde But go under yonder Hedge and pray first that God would make you able but when I had concluded to pray this came hot upon me That if I prayed and came again and tried to do it and yet did nothing notwithstanding then besure I had no Faith but was a Cast-away and lost Nay thought I if it be so I will never try yet but will stay a little longer 40. So I continued at a great loss for I thought if they onely had Faith which could do such wonderful things then I concluded that for the present I neither had it nor yet for time to come were ever like to have it Thus I was tossed betwixt the Devil and my own ignorance and so perplexed especially at some times that I could not tell what to doe 41. About this time the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford was thus in a Dream or Vision represented to me I saw as if they were set on the Sunny side of some high Mountain there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the Sun while I was shivering and shrinking in the cold afflicted with frost snow and dark clouds methought also betwixt me and them I saw a wall that did compass about this Mountain now thorow this wall my Soul did greatly desire to pass concluding that if I could I would goe even into the very midst of them and there also comfort my self with the heat of their Sun 42. About this wall I thought my self to goe again and again still prying as I went to see if I could find some way or passage by which I might enter therein but none could I find for some time at the last I saw as it were a narrow gap like a little door-way in the wall thorow which I attempted to pass but the passage being very straight and narrow I made many offers to get in but all in vain even untill I was well nigh quite beat out by striving to get in at last with great striving me thought I at first did get in my head after that by a side-ling striving my shoulders and my whole body then was I exceeding glad and went and sat down in the midst of them and so was comforted with the light and heat of their Sun 43. Now this Mountain and Wall c. was thus made out to me the Mountain signified the Church of the living God the Sun that shone thereon the comfortable shining of his mercifull face on them â—hat were therein the wall I thought was the Word â—hat did make separaâ—ion between the Christians â—nd the world and the gap which was in this wall I thought was Jesus Christ who is the way â—o God the Father But for as much as the passage was wonderful narrow even so narrow that I â—ould not but with great difficulty enter in thereâ—t it
then now I durst not take a pin or a stick though but so big as a straw for my conscience now was sore and would smart at every touch I could not now tell how to speak my words for fear I should mis-place them O how gingerly did I then go in all I did or said I found my self as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir and as there left both of God and Christ and the Spirit and all good things 70. And though I was thus troubled and tossed and afflicted with the sight and sence and terrour of my own wickedness yet I was afraid to let this sence and sight go quite off my minde for I found that unless guilt of Conscience was taken off the right way that is by the Blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of minde than better Wherefore if my guilt lay hard upon me then I should cry that the Blood of Christ might take it off and if it was going off without it for the sence of sin would be sometimes as if it would die and go quite away then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again by bringing the punishment for sin in Hell-fire upon my Spirit and should cry Lord let it not go off my heart but the right way but by the Blood of Christ and by the application of thy mercy thorow him to my Soul for that Scripture lay much upon me Without shedding of Blood there is no Remission Heb. 9.22 And that which made me the more afraid of this was Because I had seen some who though when they were under Wounds of Conscience then they would cry and pray but they seeking rather present Ease from their Trouble then Pardon foâ— their Sin cared not how they lost their guilt 〈◊〉 they got it out of their minde and therefore having got it off the wrong way it was not sanctifieâ— unto them but they grew harder and blinder anâ— more wicked after their trouble This made 〈◊〉 afraid and made me cry to God that it might noâ— be so with me 71. And now was I sorry that God had made mâ— a man for I feared I was a reprobate I counteâ— man as unconverted the most doleful of all thâ— Creatures Thus being afflicted and tossed abouâ— my sad condition I counted my self alone anâ— above the most of men unblest In this conditioâ— I went a great while but when comforting timâ— was come I heard one preach a Sermon upoâ— those words in the Song Song 4.1 Behold thou anâ— fair my Love behold thou art fair but at that timâ— he made these two words My Love his chief anâ— subject matter from which after he had a littlâ— opened the text he observed these several conclusions 1. That the Church and so every saved Soul 〈◊〉 Christs Love when loveless 2. Christs Love without 〈◊〉 cause 3. Christs Love when hated of the world 4. Christs Love when under temptation and under diâ—sertion 5. Christs Love from first to last 72. But I got noâ—hing by what he said at present only when he came to the application of the fourth particular this was the word he said If it be so thâ—â— the saved Soul is Christs Love when under temptatioâ— and dissertion then poor tempted Soul when thou art assaulted and afflâ—cted with temptation and the hidings 〈◊〉 Gods Face yet think on these two words MY LOVE still 73. So as I was a going home these words camâ— again into my thoughts and I well remember aâ— they came in I said thus in my heart What shall I get by thinking on these two words this thought had no sooner passed thorow my heart but the words began thus to kindle in my Spirit Thou art my Love thou art my Love twenty times together and still as they ran thus in my minde they waxed stronger and warmer and began to make me look up but being as yet between hope and fear I still replied in my heart But is it true too but is it true at which that sentence fell in upon me He wist not that it was true which was done unto him of the Angel Act. 12.9 74. Then I began to give place to the Word which with power did over and over make this joyful sound within my Soul Thou art my Love thou art my Love and nothing shall separate thee from my love and with that Rom. 8.39 came into my minde Now was my heart filled full of comfort and hope and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me wherefore I said in my Soul with much gladness Well I would I had a pen and ink here I would write this down before I go any further for surely I will not forget this forty years hence but alas within less then forty days I began to question all again 75. Yet still at times I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of Grace unto my Soul though I had lost much of the life and savouâ— of it Now about a week or fortnight after this I was much followed by this Scripture Simon Simon behold Satan hath desired to have you Luk. 22.31 and sometimes it would sound so loud within me yea and as it were call so strongly after me that once above all the rest I turned my head over my shoulder thinking verily that some man had behind me called to me being at a great distance 76. But so follish was I and ignorant that I knew not the reason of this sound which as I did both see and feel soon after was sent from heaven as an alarm to awaken me to provide for what was coming onely it would make me muse and wonder in my minde to think what should be the reason that this Scripture and that at this rate so often and so loud should still be sounding and ratling in mine ears But as I said before I soon after perceived the end of God therein 77. For about the space of a month after a very great storm came down upon me which handled me twenty times worse then all I had met with before it came stealing upon me now by one piece then by another first all my comfort was taken from me then darkness seized upon me after which whole flouds of Blasphemies both against God Christ and the Scriptures was poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me against the very being of God and of his onely beloved Son as whether there were in truth a God or Christ or no and whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a Fable and cunning Story then the holy and pure Word of God 78. The Tempter also would much assault me with this How can you tell but that the Turkâ— had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour as we have to prove our Jesus is and could I think that so many ten
shewed me that none could enter into life â—ut thoâ—e that were in down-right earnest and â—nless also they left this wicked world behind â—â—em for here was only roome for Body and Soul â—ut not for Body and Soul and Sin 44. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many dayes all which time I saw my self in a sorlorn and sad condition but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in this Sun-shine now also I should pray where ever I was whether at home or a broad in house or field and should also often with lifting up of heart sing that of the fifty first Psalm O Lord consider my distress for as yet I knew not where I was 45. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable perswasion that I had Faith in Chirst but instead of having satisfaction here I began to find my Soul to be assaulted with fresth doubts about my future happiness especially with such as these Whether I was elected but how if the day of grace should now be past and gone 46. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted sometimes by one and sometimes by the other of them And first to speak of that about my questioning my election I found â—t this time that though I was in a flame to find the way to Heaven and Glory and though nothing could beat me off from this yet this question did so offend and discourage me that I was especially at sometimes as if the very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power thereof This Scripture also did seem to me tâ— trample upon all my desires It is neither in him that willeth nor in him that runneth but in God thâ—â— sheweth mercy Rom 9. 47. With this Scripture I could not tell what to do for I evidently saw that unless the great God of hiâ— infinite grace and bounty had voluntarily chosâ— me to be a vessel of mercy though I should desire and long and labour untill my heart did break 〈◊〉 good could come of it Therefore this wouâ—â— still stick with me How can you tell you are â—lected and what if you should not how then 48. O Lord thought I what if I should not indeed it may be you are not laid the Tempter it may be so indeed thought I. Why then â—aid Satan you had as good leave off and strive no further for if indeed you should not be Elected and chosen of God there is no talke of your being saved For it is neither in him that willeth nor in him that runneth but in God that sheweth mercy 49. By these things I was driven to my wits end not knowing what to say or how to answer these temptations indeed I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me but that rather it was my own prudence thus to start the question for that the Elect only attained eternal life that I without scruple did heartily close withall but that my self was one of them there lay all the question 50. Thus therefore for several dayes I was greatly assaulted and perplexed and was often when I have been walking ready to sink where I went with faintness in my mind but one day after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite giving up the Ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit Look at the generations of old and see did ever any trust in God and were confounded 51. At which I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my Soul for thus at that very instant it was expounded to me Begin at the beginning of Genesis and read to the end of the Revelations see if you can find that there was any that ever trusted in the Lord and was Confounded So coming home I presently went to my Bible to see if I could find that saying not doubting but to find it presently for it was so fresh and with such strength and comfort on my spirit that I was as if it talked with me 52. Well I looked but I found it not only it abode upon me then I did aske first this good man and then another if they knew where it was but they knew no such place at this I wondered that such a sentence should so suddenly and with such comfort and strength seize and abide upon my heart and yet that none could find it for I doubted not but it was in holy Scripture 53. Thus I continued above a year and could not find the place but at last casting my eye into the Apocrypha-Books I sound it in Ecclesiasticus this at the first did somewhat daunt me but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and kâ—ndness of God it troubled me the less especially when I considered that though it was not in those Texts that we call holy and Canonical yet for as much as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises it was my duty to to take the comfort of it and I bless God for that word for it was of God to me that word doth still at times shine before my face 54. After this that other doubt did come with strength upon me But how if the day of grace should be past and gone how if you have over-stood the time of mercy Now I remember that one day as I was walking into the Country I was much in the thoughts of this But how if the day of grace be past and to aggravate my trouble the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford and suggested thus unto me That these being converted already they were all that God would save in those parts that I came too late for these had got the blessing before I came 55. Now was I in great distress thinking in very deed that this might well be so wherefore I wenâ— up and down bemoaning my sad condition counting my self far worse then a thousand fools for standing off thus long and spending so many years in sin as I have done still crying out Oh that I had turned sooner Oh that I had turned seven years agoe it made me also angry with my self to think that I should have no more wit but to trifle away my time till my Soul and Heaven were lost 56. But when I had been long vexed with this fear and was scarce able to take one step more just about the same place where I received my other encouragement these words broke in upon my mind Compell them to come in that my house may be filled and yet there is roome Luke 14.22 23. These words but especially them And yet there is roome were sweet words to me for truly I thought that by them I saw that there was place enough in Heaven for me and moreover that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words he then did think of me and that he
But oh now how was my Soul led from truth to truth by God! even from the birth and Cradle of the Son of God to his ascention and second coming from Heaven to judge the World 99. Truly I then found upon this account the great God was very Good unto me for to my remembrance there was not any thing that then I câ—ied to God to make known and reveal unto me but he was pleased to do it for me I mean not one part of the Gospel of the Lord Jesus but I was orderly led into it me thought I saw with great evidence from the relation of the four Evangelists the wonderful work of God in giving Jesus Christ to save us from his conception and birth even to his second coming to judgement me thought I was as if I had seen him born as if I had seen him grow up as if I had seen him walk thorow this world from the Cradle to his Cross to which also when he came I saw how gently he gave himself to be hanged and nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings also as I was musing on this his progress that droped on my Spirit He was ordained for the slaughter 1 Pet. 1.19 20. 100. When I have considered also the truth of his resurrection and have remembred that word touch me not Mary c. I have seen as if he leaped at the Graves mouth for joy that he was risen again and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes John 20.17 I have also in the Spirit seen him a man on the right hand of God the Father for me and have seen the manner of his comming from Heaven to judge the world with glory and have been confirmed in these things by these Scriptures following Acts 1.9 10. Acts. 7. 56. Actâ— 10.42 Heb. 7.24 Heb. 8.38 Rev. 1.18 1 Thes. 4.17 18. Once I was much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was both Man as well as God and God as well as Man and truly in those dayes let men say what they would unless I had it with evidence from Heaven all was as nothing to me I counted not my self set down in any truth of God well I was much troubled about this point and could not tell how to be resolved at last that in the fift of the Revelations came into my mind And I beheld and lo in the midst of the Throne and of the four Beasts and in the midst of the Elders stood a Lamb in the midst of the Throne there is his God-head in the midst of the Elders there is his man hood but O me thought this did glister it was a goodly touch and gave me sweet satisfaction that other Scripture also did help me much in this To us a Child is born to us a Son is given and the government shall be upon his shoulder and his Name shall be called Wonderful Counsellor the Mighty God the Everlasting Father the Prince of Peace c. Isa. 9.6 101. Also besides these teachings of God in his Word the Lord made use of two things to confirm me in these things the one was the errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin for as the Quakers did oppose his Truth so God did the more confirm me in it by leading me into the Scriptures that did wonderfully maintain it and as I said the guilt of sin did help me much for still as that would come upon me the blood of Christ did take it off again and again and again and that too sweetly according to the Scriptures O Friends cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you there is none teacheth like him 102. It would be too long for me here to stay to tell you in particular how God did set me down in all the things of Christ and how he did that he might so do lead me into his words yea and also how he did open them unto me make them shine before me and cause them to dwell with me talk with me and comfort me over and over both of his own being and the being of his Son and Spirit and Word and Gospel 103. Onely this as I said before I will say unto you again that in general he was pleased to take this course with me first to suffer me to be afflicted with temptation concerning them and then reveal them to me as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin even crushed to the ground therewith and then the Lord would shew me the death of Christ yea and so sprinkle my Conscience with his Blood that I should find and that before I was aware that in that Conscience where but just now did reign and â—age the Law even there would rest and abide the Peace and Love of God thorow Christ. 104. Now had I an evidence for Heaven with many golden Seals thereon all hanging in my sight now could I remember this manifestation and the other discovery of grace with comfort and should often long and desire that the last day were come that I might for ever be inflamed with the sight and joy and communion of him whose Head was crowned with Thorns whose Face was spit on and Body broken and Soul made an offering for my sins for whereas before â— lay continually trembling at the mouth of Hell now me thought I was got so far therefrom thaâ— I could not when I looked back scarce discern it 〈◊〉 and O thought I that I were fourscore years old now that I might die quickly that my soul mighâ— be gone to rest 105. But after the Lord had in this manner 〈◊〉 graciously delivered me from this great and sorâ— temptation and had set me down so sweetly in the Faith of his holy gospel and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven touching my interest in his love through Christ the Tempter came upon me again and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation then before 106. And that was to sell and part with this most blessed Christ to exchange him for the things of this life for any thing the temptation lay upon me for the space of a year and did follow me so continually that I was not rid of it one day iâ— a month no not sometimes one hour in many dayes together unless I was asleep 107. And though in my judgement I was perswaded that those who were once effectually in Christ as I hoped through his grace I had seen my self could never lose him for ever For the land shall not be sold for ever for the Land is mine saith God Levit. 25.23 yet it was a conâ—inual vexation to me to think that I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ a Jesus that had done for me as he had done 108. But it was neither my dislike of the thought nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist it that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength
Scriptures fore-nam'd in thâ— Hebrews would be set befoâ—e me as the only Sentences that would keep me out of Heaven Theâ— again I should begin to repent that ever that thought went thorow me I should also think thus with my self why How many Scriptures are there against me there is but three or four and cannot God miss them and save me for all them Sometimes again I should think O if it weâ—e not for these three or four words now how might I be comforted and I could hardly forbear at sometimes but to wish them out of the Book 164. Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul and John and all the Writerâ— did look with scorn upon me and hold me in derision and as if they said unto me All our words are truth one of as much force â—s another it is not we that have cut you off but you have cast away your self there is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon but these and such as these It is impossible there remains no more sacrifice for sin Heb. 6. And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God than after they have known it to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them Heb. 10. For the Scriptures cannot be broken 2 Pet. 2.21 165. Thus was I confounded not knowing what to do nor how to be satisfied in this question whether the Scriptures could agree in the salvation of my Soul I quaked at the Apostles I knew their words were true and that they must stand for ever 166. And I remember one day as I was in divers frames of Spirit and considering that thesâ— frames were still acâ—ording to the nature of the several Scriptures that came in upon my mind 〈◊〉 this of Grace then I was quiet but if that of Esaâ— then tormented Lord thought I if both these Scriptures would meet in my heart at once I wonder which of them would get the better of me So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me yea I desired of God they might 167. Well about two or three dayes after so they did indeed they boulteâ— both upon me at a time and did work and struggle strangly in me for a while at last that about Esaus birth-right began to wax weak and withdraw and vanish and this about the sufficiency of Grace prevailed with peace and joy And as I was in a muse about this thing that Scripture came home upon me Mercy rejoyceth against Judgement 168. This was a wondâ—rment to me yet truly I am apt to think it was of God for the Word of the Law and Wrath must give place to the Word of Life and Grace because though the Word Of Condemnation be glorious yet the Word of Life and Salvation doth far exceed in glory 2 Cor. 3.8 9 10 11. Mar. 9.5 6 7. John 6.37 Also that Moses and Elias must both vanish and leave Christ and his Saints alone 169. This Scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul And him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out O the comfort that I have had from this word in no wise as who should say by no means for no thing what-ever he hath done But Satan would greatly labour â—o pull this promise from me telling of me that Christ did not mean me and such as I but sinners of a lower rank that had not done as I had done But I should answer him again Satan here is in this word no such exception but him that comes him â—â—ny him him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out And this I well remember still that of all the slights that Satan used to take this Scripture from me yet he never did so much as put this Question But do you come arâ—ght And I have thought the reason was because he thought I knew full well what coming was for I saw that to come aright was to come as I was a vile and ungodly sinner and to cast my self at the feet of Mercy condemning my self for sin If ever Sataâ— and I did strive for any word it was for this in John he pull'd and I pull'd but God be praised I got some sweetness from it 170. But notwithstanding all these helps and blessed words of grace yet that of Esaus selling of his birth-right would still at times distress my Conscience for though I had been most sweetly comforted and that but just before yet when that came into mind 't would make me fear again I could not be quite rid thereof 't would every day be with me wherefore now I went another way to woâ—k even to consider the nature of this blashemous thought I mean if I should take the words at the largest and give them their own natural foâ—ce and scope even every word therein So when I had thus considered I found that if they were fairly taken they would amount to this That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to his choice whether he would be my Saviour or no for the wicked words were these Let him go if he will Then that Scripture gave me hope I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Heb. 13.5 O Lord said I but I have left thee then it answered again but I will not leave thee For this I thank God alâ—o 171. Yet I was grievous afraid he should and found it exceeding hard to trust him seeing I hâ—d so offended him I could have been exceedinâ— glad that this thought had never be fallen foâ— then I thought I could with more ease and freedom abundance have leaned upon his grace I see it was with me as it was with Josephs Bâ—ethren the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their Brother would at last despise them Gen. 50.15 16 17 18. 172. But above all the Scriptures that yet I did meet with that in the twentieth of Joshua was the greatest comfort to me which speaks of the slayer that was to fly for refuge And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer then saith Moses they that are the Elders of the City of Refuge shall not deliver him into his hand because he smote his Neighbour unwittingly and hated him not afore-time O blessed be God for this word I was convinced that I was the slayer and tâ—at the avenger of blood pursued me that I felt with great terrour only now it remained that I enquire whether I have â—ight to enter the City of Refuge So I found That he must not who lay in wait to shed blood but he who unwittingly or that did unawars shed blood even he who did not hate his Neighbour before Wherefore 173. I thought veâ—ily I was the man that must enter for because I had smitten my Neighbour unwittingly and hated him not afore-time I hated him not afore-time no I prayed unto him was tender of sinning against him yea and against this wicked Temptation I
I should let them alone because I saw they engendered strife and because I saw that they neither in doing nor in leaving undone did commend us to God to be his besides I saw my Work before me did run in another channel even to carry an awakening-Word to that therefore did I stick and adhere 238. I never endeavoured to nor durst make use of other mens lines Rom. 15.18 though I condemn not all that do for I verily thought and found by expeâ—ience that what was taught me by the Word and Spirit of Christ could be spoken maintained and stood â—o by soundest and best established Conscience and though I will not now speak all that I know in this matter yet my experience hath more interest in that text of Scripture Gal. 1.11 12. than many amongst men are aware 239. If any of those vvho vvere awakened by my Ministery did after that fall back as sometimes too many did I can truly say their loss hath been more to me then if one of my own Children begotten of my body had been going to its grave I think verily I may speak it vvithout an offence to the Lord nothing hath gone so near me as that unless it vvas the fear of the loss of the salvation of my ovvn Soul I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places my Children were born my heart hath been so wrapt up in the gloâ—y of this excellent work that I counted my self more blessed and honored of God by this than if he had made me the Emperour of the Christian World or the Lord of all the glory of Earth without it O tâ—at woâ—d He that converteth a sinner from the error of his way doth save a soul from death 240. I have observed that where I have had a work to do for God I have had first as it were the going of God upon my Spirit to desire I might preach there I have also observed that such and such Souls in particular have been strongly set upon my heart and I stirred up to wish for their Salvation and that these very Souls have after this been given in as the fruits of my Ministry I have also observed that a word cast in by the by hath done more execution in a Seâ—mon then all that was spoken besides someâ—imes also when I have thought I did no good then I did most of all and at other times when I thought I should catch them I have fished for nothing 241. My great desire in my fulfilling my Ministry was to get into the darkest places in the Countrey even amongst those people that were furthest off of profession yet not because I could not endure the light for I feared not to shew my Gospel to any but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakening and conveâ—ting Work and the Word that I carried did lead it self most that way Yea so have I strived to preach the Gospel not where Christ was named lest I should build upon another mans foundation Rom. 15.20 242. In my preaching I have really been in pain and have as it were travelled to bâ—ing forth Children to God neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work if I were fruitless it matter'd nor who commended me but if I were fruitful I cared not who did condemn I have thought of that He that winneth souls is wise Pro. 11.30 and again Lo Children are an heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the Womb is his Reward as arrows in the hand of a mighty man so are Children of the youth happy is the man that hath filled his quiver with them they shall not be ashamed but they shall speak with the Enemies in the gate Psal. 127.3 4 5. 243. But in this work as in all other I had my temptations attending me and that of diveâ—s kinâ—s as sometimes I should be assaulted with great discouragement therein fearing that I should not be able to speak the Woâ—d at all to edification nay that I should not be able to speak sence unto the people at which times I should have such a strange taintness and strengthlesness seiz upon my body that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of Exercise 244. Sometimes again when I have been preaching I have bin violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy and stâ—ongly tempted to speak them with my mouth before the Congregation I have also at some times even when I have begun to speak the Word with much clearness evidence and liberty of speech yet been before the ending of that Opportunity so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking and have also bin so straitned in my speech as to utterance before the people that I have been as if had not known or remembred what I have been about or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of the exercise 245. Again When at sometimes I have been about to preah upon some smart and scorching portion of the Word I have found the tempter suggest What! will you preach this this condemns your self of this your own Soul is guilty wherefore preach not of it at all or if you do yet so mince it as to make way for your own escape â—est instead of awakening others you lay that guilt upon your own soul as you will never get from under 246. I have also while found in this blessed work of Christ been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart and though I dare not say I have not been infected with this yet truly the Lord of his precious mercy hath so carried it towards me that for the most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing for it hath been my every-days portion to be let into the evil of my own heart and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my Gifts and Attainments I have felt this thorn in the flesh 2 Cor. 12.8 9. the veâ—y mercy of God to me 247. I have had also together with this some notable place or other of the Word presented before me which word haâ—h contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the Soul notwithstanding gifts and parts as for instance that hath been of great use unto me Though I speak with the tongue of men and angels and have not charity I am become as sounding-brass and a tinkling cymbal 1 Cor. 13.1 2. 248. A tinkling Cymbal is an instrument of Musick with which a skilful plaâ—er can make such melodious and heart-inflaming Musick that all who hear him play can scaâ—cely hold from dancing and yet behold the Cymbal hath not life neither comes the musick fâ—om it but because of the art of him that playeâ— theâ—ewith so then the instrument at last may come to noughâ— and perish though in times past such musâ—ck
hath been made upon it 249. Just thus I saw it was and will be with them who have Gifts but want saving-Grace they are in the hand of Christ as the Cymbal in the hand of David and as David could with the Cymbal make that mirth in the service of God as to elevate the hearts of the Worshippers so Christ can use these gifted men as with them to affect the Souls of his People in his Chuâ—ch yet when he hath done all hang them by as lifeless though sounding Cymbals 250. This consideration therefore together with some others were for the most part as a maul on the head of pride and desire of vain-glory What thought I shall I be proud because I am a sounding Brass is it so much to be a Fiddle hath not the least Creature that hath life more of God in it than these besides I knew 't was Love should never die but these must cease and vanish So I concluded a little Grace a little Love a little of the true Fear of God is better then all these Gifts Yea and I am fully convinced of it that it is possible for a Soul that can scarce give a man an answer but with great confusion as to method I say it is possible for them to have a thousand times more Grace and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord then some who by vertue of the Gift of Knowledge can deliver themselves like Angels A brief Account of the Authors Imprisonment 251. HAving made profession of the glorious Gospel of Christ along time and had preached the same about five year I was apprehended at a Meeting of good People in the Countrey amongst whom had they let me alone I should â—â—ve preached that day but they took me away from amongst them and had me before a Justice who after I had offered security for my appearing at the next Sessions yet committed me becâ—use my Sureties would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people 252. At the Sessions after I was indicted for an Upholder and Maintainer of unlawful Assemblies and Conventicles and for not conforming to the National Woâ—ship of the Church of England and after some conference there with the Justices was sentenced to perpetual banishment because I refused to Conform So being again delivered â—p to the Goalers hands I was had home to Prison again and there have lain now above five year and a quarter waiting to see what God will suffer these mâ—n to do with me 253. In which condition I have continued wiâ—h much content thorow Grace but have met with many tuâ—nings and goiâ—gs upon my heart both fâ—om the Lord Satan and my own corruptions by all which glory be to Jesus Christ I have also received among many things much conviction instruction and understanding of which at laâ—ge I shall not here discourse onely give you in a hint or two a word that may stir up the Godly to bless God and to pray for me and also to take encouraâ—ement shouâ—d the case be their own Not to fear what man can do unto them 254. I never had in all my life so great an inleâ— into the Word of God as now them Scrâ—ptures that I saw nothing in before are made in this place and state to shine upon me Jesus Christ alâ—o was never more reâ—l and apparent then now here I have seen him and felt him indeed O that word We have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables 2 Pet. 1 16. and that God raised Christ from the dead and gave him glory that your faith and hope might be in God 1 Pet. 1.20 were blessed words unto me in this my imprisoned condition 255. These three or four Scriptures also have been great refreshment in this condition to me Joh. 14.1 2 3 4. Joh. 16.33 Col. 3.3 4. Heb. 12.22 23 24. So that sometimes when I have been in the favour of them I have been able to laugh at destruction and â—o fear neiâ—her the Horse nor his Rider I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place and of my being with Jesus in another world O the Mount Zion the heavenly Jerusalem the innumerable company of Angels and God the Judge of all and the Spirits of just men made perfect and Jesus have been sweet unto me in this place I have seen that here that I am perswaded I shall never while in this world be able to express I have seen a truth in that Scripture Whom having not seen ye love in whom though now ye see him not yet believing ye rejoyce with joy unspeakable and full of glory 1 Pet. 1.8 256. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns and at every offer of Satan c. as I have found him since I came in hither for look how fears have presented themselves so have supports and encouragements yea when I have started even as it were at nothing else but my shadow yet God as being very tender of me hath not suffered me to be molested but would with one Scripture and another stâ—engthen me against all insomuch that I have often said Were it lawful I could pray for greater trouble for the greater comforts sake Eccles. 7.14 2 Cor. 1.5 257. Before I came to Prison I saw what was a coming and had especially two Considerations wâ—rm upon my heart the first was How to be able to endure should my imprisonment be lonâ— and tedious the second was How to be able to encounter death should that be here my portion For the first of these that Scripture Col. 1.11 was great information to me namely to pray to God to be strengthened with all might according to his glorious power unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness I could seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned but for not so little as a year together this Sentence of sweet Petition would as it were thrust it self into my mind and perswade me that if ever I would go thorow long-suffering I must have all patience especially if I would endure it joyfully 258. As to the second Consideration that Saying 2 Cor. 1.9 was of great use unto me But we had the sentence of death in our selves that we might not trust in our selves but in God that raiseth the dead by this Scripture I was made to see that if ever I would suffer rightly I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life even to reckon my Self my Wife my Children my health my enjoyments and all as dead to me my self as dead to them 259. The second was to live upon God that is invisible as Paul said in another place The way not to faint is to look not at the things that are seen but at the things that are not seen for the things that are seen are temporal but the things that are not seen they