could live more by Faith in this trying affliction I indeavour to impress upon my Soul those arguments which the Scripture affords for Patience and Long-suffering with joyfulness But this will not do the work unless the Spirit of Faith and Patience be given from him from whom comes down every good and perfect gift I pray I cry to my Father that he would give me the Holy Spirit according to his Gracious promise that I might shew forth the Power of his grace and that I might not dishonour him nor discourage his Children nor reproach Religion by my weakness And in my bearing of it well my Reputation is nothing regarded by me in comparison of the honour of Christ. Him I desire to Gloryfy both in my obedience and patience I do not love God the less because of his correcting hand upon me As my necessities drive me so His Love draws me and my Love brings me to him I look to him as my Father And shall I not honour my Father and give him reverence when I am chastned of him The Lord is my Portion saith my Soul therefore will I hope in him I will wait for the Lord who hideth his face I will look after him He retaineth not his Anger for ever because he delighteth in Mercy Therefore he will turn again and have compassion upon me If he kill me I will put my trust in him for he will not cast me off for ever if I cleave to him with Faith unseigned but even through Death it self will he save me He will bring me forth to the Light and I shall behold his Righteousness When I say what shall I do in case of such or such troublesome or dangerous consequents my heart answers be not careful God will provide I will leave it to him Besides a Natural desire of ease and rest the sense of the temptation which I am liable in this condition makes me importunate to be delivered from it I feellingly know the weakness of my own heart and I am not ignorant of the Devil's malice and subtilty and how he will make the fiercest assaults where I am weakest Whereupon I tremble in my self for fear of being tempted and shaken and greatly amazed And upon this ground respecting my Souls safety I judg an humble and patient importunity with God for the removing or moderating of my distemper to be my Duty Yet to keep me from being over solicitous and anxious in this thing I consider that God doth govern and limit all our temptations and will not suffer us to be tempted above what we are able but will with the temptation open a way for us to escape Nevertheless I find that I do much offend by too great a vehemence of desire to be delivered from this grievous burden without due submission also by too much disquietness and dejection when after some expectation of a benefit by that means I perceive that my hope thereof is like to be frustrated The Lord help me to carry it better and as I ought to do and keep my mind in its right frame My business under this Affliction is to be careful about my own part and to leave God's part to his care My part is to do my duty and to get the benefit of the Affliction but to remove it is God's part Let me perform what belongs to me and what belongs to God he will certainly perform in his own time and way The Sum of my duty is Graciously to comply with the dispensation and to behave my self suitably to it and to please and honour God under it Accordingly in this I Labour and in this way I seek for comfort And first I justify God and judg my self God exercises his own holiness and justice in this Castigation His justice and holiness I approve and accept the punishment of mine Iniquity and exercise an hatred of the Sin for which I now smart I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against him and I repent with a self-abhorrence And I lye in the dust at his feet and wait on him untill that he have Mercy upon me and I am glad to receive Mercy upon his terms I have fled for refuge to lay hold on the hope that is set before me I do most heartily take God for my portion and I had rather Live the divine Life in Conformity to him and Fellowship with him here in the first-fruits of the Spirit and hereafter in the fulness of Glory than live in the fulness of the delights and Contentments that belong to the Natural Life upon earth in a way of Sin and allienation from the Life of God I do most heartily take Christ according to the offer of the Gospel not only to be justified from my Sins and delivered from the wrath to come by his merits but also to be Sanctified by his Word and Spirit and to be governed by his Laws and to be brought by him unto the aforesaid fellowship with God And my Life and practice in the main Bent and ordinary course thereof is according to this choice in a daily walking not by sight and sense but by faith not after the flesh but after the Spirit in setting my heart not on earthly but on heavenly things I cast off vain desires and hopes and my expectations of good are from God according to the tenor of his promises When I walk in darkness and see no light of outward comfort humane helps and visible means I will trust in the Name of the Lord and stay my self upon my God I strive with my own spirit to subdue it to the will of God And in whatsoever I am tempted to be most impatient therein I labour most for patience My great care is that I may not sin against my God in any kind and more especially that I may not sin by a rebellious impatience under his correcting hand In this present distress I look upon my self as being upon my Tryal and therefore I look more diligently to my behaviour in it Now a price is put into my hand for the proof of my sincerity and I labour accordingly to make good proof of it I am willing to serve God in pain and patience else I were unworthy of so good a Master I am willing to be conformable to Christ in suffering else I were unworthy of him But here I must say again the spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak Lord help my unwillingness I am called to deny all the pleasures of sence and to mind them no more and I am heartily willing of it I am called to declare to others by the exercise of Faith and Patience the Righteonsness of the Lord and his tender Mercies and great Faithfulness and that he alone is Alsufficent O that the power of his grace may be thus magnified in me This is the fruit of the Afflictions that I look after And in this will I labour more and more And through the help of Divine
Salvation Iohn Howe Mr. CORBET's ENQUIRY INTO THE State of his Soul His Introduction IN order to peace of conscience and assurance of my good estate towards God it must in reason be supposed that I may rightly understand the marks of sincerity set down in Gods Word as also the predominant inclination and motions of my own soul and that I may be so far assured of my right understanding of the things aforesaid as to have no reasonable ground of doubting thereof For I have no other ordinary way to know my sincerity in order to the said peace and assurance but to examine it according to my best understanding by the marks thereof set down in Gods Word In this Self-Examination it is requisite that I use all Diligence and Impartiality with Constancy and that I earnestly pray for Gods assistance in it and heartily offer my self to his search as David did Psal. 139. 23. Wherefore if upon the most impartial and diligent search that I can make according to the best of my understanding together with earnest and constant Prayer to God to assist me therein as in my greatest concern it doth most rationally appear to me that the predominant inclination and motions of my soul are agreeable to the marks of sincerity set down in Gods Word then my conscience doing its office aright is to judge for me accordingly viz. that I am sincere And in this judgment I am to acquiesce because it is the Judgment of Gods Agent and Minister which he hath set up within me to judge under him of my internal state according to his Law by which he himself doth and will judge me God hath the same aspect upon the Soul which Conscience his Vicegerent hath as it from time to time or ordinarily judgeth not against him or without him but under him and according to his judgment either acquitting or condemning To this purpose the Apostle speaketh 1 John 3. 20 21. If our heart condemn us God is greater than our Heart and knoweth all things If our heart condemn us not then have we confidence towards God The State of my Own SOUL According to the strictest Search that I can make Psal. 139. 23 24. Search me O Lord and know my Heart try me and know my Thoughts and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way Everlasting Amen The following particulars were set down in Decemb. Jan. Feb. An. 1663. AS far as I am able to discern my heart and wayes I have chosen the Lord for my portion I take up my rest in him and not in the Creature To love and fear and admire and bless him and to have communion with him is my chief joy And the eternal Vision and Fruition of God is my great hope I would not only have God herafter but here in this World for my chief good He is even now better than all the World I come to God by Jesus Christ. And as I believe in God I believe also in Christ and rejoyce and glory in him and acknowledging my own sinfulness and unworthyness I rest intirely on him as the ground of my justification to Life and of all favour and acceptance with God I receive Christ as my Lord and give up my self to him I let him into my heart by Faith I esteem him precious and am willing to suffer the loss of all that I may win him I desire to know him in the Power of his Death and Resurrection and am much grieved that I do so weakly experience that power and feel it no more operative in me in my dying to sin and 〈◊〉 World and in living and walking in the Spirit I do not cease to lament the more heinous sins of my Life and cannot forbear the continual imploring of the pardon of them I do not return again to them and I resolve never so to do I watch and pray and strive against all sin but especially against those sins to which I am more especially inclined my conflicts are daily and am put hard to it But I do not yield up my self to any sin nor lie down in it yea I do not suffer sinful Cogitations to lodge in me Howbeit I am many times much discomposed damped in Spirit deadned in Duty distracted in my Studies and molested and hindered every way by the sin that dwelleth in me But I resolve that sin shall have no rest in my soul and that I will never injoy it Though I cannot keep sin out of my heart yet it doth not reign in my mortal body nor do I yield my members to the service of it I would fulfil all Righteousness and owe nothing to any man but love I had a hundred sold rather suffer wrong than do wrong It was said of Christ that no guile was found in his mouth and of the faithful Company that followed the Lamb that no guile was found in their mouth And that it may be so with me I indeavour with my whole heart I trust God with my chiefest outward Concernment even with that about which I am most Solicitous and wherein to be satisfied is of great moment to me for that it hath as great an influence upon my Spirit as any outward thing hath And I do believe that God will provide for me herein or otherwise supply the want of it My earnest desire of God is that my outward condition may be so stated by his Wife and Gracious providence as I may be least exposed to temptation and best disposed and furthered unto Duty I have an Inclination to seek Self particularly in vain applause and that in Religious services and herein I have been highly guilty but I shame my self for it before God and I am willing to be satisfied in the Praise that comes from him alone and I trust through his Grace that I can deny my self in matter of Reputation to do his Will I love the Lord Jesus Christ and all his Saints The broken estate of the Church especialy by intestine Evils is a great trouble to my Spirit The scandals of professors I am truly grieved at and I would not by their weaknesses seek to excuse my own faults or an advancing of my own Virtues I have no setled Bitterness and Revenge against my Enemies but I love pitty and pray for them As concerning God's Enemies I am more provoked but I would not be inhumane or cruel against them For the wrath of Man worketh not the Righteousness of God I contemn none I would not imbitter the Spirit of any I would answer all obligations of courtesy as accounting it a Righteousness I would not insult over the weakness of any and this is partly out of Natural tenderness and Moral Considerations and I find that the goodness and kindness of God the meekness gentleness of Christ hath here unto made Impression upon me I find upon the review of my Life past according to the clearest judgment that I can make that I have not gone
Servant O Lord but Remember me and Spare me according to thy great Mercy in Christ Jesus the great Propitiation for Sin in whom I desire to be found and under the Covert of whose Wing I stand that I may be Saved from thy Wrath and injoy thy Peace and live in thy Presence where is fulness of Joy and Pleasures for evermore Feb. 22. 1678 9 GOd will never Damn in Hell any Soul that hath the habitual predominant Love of God though culpably Remiss and otherwise Sinful while he remaineth such yea Hell and such Love of God are inconsistent I Love the Holy Will of God with all my Heart and hate all Disconformity to it Nothing is more Grievous to me than to displease God and nothing is more Pleasant to me than to please him I strive after Christian perfection I labour to be unbottomed of Self to dye to Self-advancement to Self-gloriation and to all selfish joys and to live wholly in and to God and to have Self swallowed up in the Love of Him I labour in the work of Self-resignation that my Will may be confined to and included in the Will of God I strive after Patience in its perfect Work and do find a willingness to yield to Gods Will in my Chastisements I still Justify God and do not entertain an hard Thought of his Dealing with me but conclude that it is altogether Holy Just and Good and for the best I feel my Sin a greater burden to me than my Affliction I had rather have Health of Soul in a Body full of Pain than Health and Ease of Body with a Distempered Soul And the Sense of my great Sinfulness disposeth me to Patience under my Afflicting Infirmities of Body I narrowly watch my Heart that it may not lodge or admit a vain Thought When I am surprized with Vanity I suppress it as soon as I observe it I am very fearful of offending in a Word When on the Sudden and by Incogitancy I have spoken a Word which upon Second Thoughts is doubtful to me though I had not such doubt in the speaking of it I have been much perplexed about it and have engaged my self to a greater Watchfulness Aug. 1680. SUrely Christ hath my Heart Whensoever I swerve from Christ in a Thought Word or Deed it is by inadvertency and surprizal against my fixed Principle and I have great Regret at it and Loath my self for it If I were out of all fear o damnation I had rather be holy then unholy and I take pains and use Gods means to be holy in opposition to the flesh and I make it my chief care And I do this because I make the enjoying of God my chief good and rather than lose the hope thereof I would willingly undergo the sufferings of this Life which lead to that blessed fruition not excepting the fiery-trial it self Aug. 1680. I Hope when the end cometh my God will say to me dear Child thy warfare is accompilshed thine iniquity is pardoned enter thou into my Rest. Therefore I will both hope and quietly wait for the Salvation of God I will hope to the end Strengthen me O my God that I faint not October the 4. 1680. I Have no design I pursue nothing contrary to God's interest but all my designes and pursuits are for God and Holiness I think I am sure of this if I be sure of any thing My great aim and care and labour is to cleanse my self from all filthyness of Flesh and Spirit and to perfect Holyness in the fear of God To whom I yield my self a Servant to obey his Servant I am But I do not yield my self a Servant to sin to obey it but I do yield my self a Servant to God to obey Him The design and business of my life is to do his Will THE WORKINGS OF MY HEART IN MY AFFLICTION Aug. the 5th 1680. THe Will of God in laying this affliction upon me I unfeignedly approve as Holy Just and Good And I am unfeignedly willing to bear the Affliction as it is an Evil laid upon me by his Will till the time come in which he thinks fit to remove it I watch and pray and strive that I may not give way to a repining thought against his holy Hand In this point thē Spirit is willing but the Flesh is weak My mind doth really consent to Gods dispensation and to my submission and being most agreeable to his wise and gracious Government and most conducing to my Salvation But my sensitive part and my mind also as it is in part unrenewed weak and sinful doth greatly reluctate so that I am put hard to it and I must say I am willing Lord help my unwillingness I have not observed in the several dayes that a thought of direct or positive discontentment or vexatious commotion of mind hath been admitted by me nevertheless I see to my grief that I fall exceeding short of that quietness contentation and cheerfulness in my condition and of that sreeness of Self Resignation to Gods Will that I desire and his goodness calls for I wrestle with God by importunate prayer that this thorn in the flesh might depart from me that this distemper might be removed or so mitigated that I might be in some comfortable ease and get a more cheerful freedom in doing my duty Yet I would not wrest this relief out of his hands unseasonably and without his good Will and his Blessing I would wait his time and desire to have it with his love and favour and with a saving benefit And so my earnest desire thereof is limited with submission to his holy Will Yet I find that this submission is no easy matter but that I must take pains with my own heart and that it is God who must work my heart to it and keep under the flesh which is alwaies ready to rebel It is hard to be willing to bear my wearisom condition And O how weak is my heart and ready to sink if it be not upheld by a strength above my own O let His Grace be sufficient for me and let His Power be made perfect in my weakness I feel my self bettered in the inner man by this chastening It hath furthered Mortification and Self-denyal and done much to the breaking of the heart of Pride and to bring me on towards that more perfect Self-Examination for which I labour It hath much deadned the World to me and my desire to the World It makes me know in earnest the Emptiness of all creatures and how great my concern is in God It drives me close to him and makes me to fetch all my comforts from him I see of how little value all outward contentments are and not only in my present afflicted state but if I were at ease and in full prosperity The sense of this benefit to my soul is the great means of bringing my Will to that weak degree of submission to God's Will to which I have atatined O that I