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ID	Title	Author	Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication)	STC	Words	Pages
A57001	The works of the famous Mr. Francis Rabelais, doctor in physick treating of the lives, heroick deeds, and sayings of Gargantua and his son Pantagruel : to which is newly added the life of the author / written originally in French, and translated into English by Sr. Thomas Urchard.; Works. English. 1664	Rabelais, François, ca. 1490-1553?; Urquhart, Thomas, Sir, 1611-1660.	1664 (1664)	Wing R103; ESTC R24488	220,658	520

O my pretty little waggish boy said Grangousier what an excellent wit thou hast I will make thee very shortly proceed Doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning and that by G for thou hast more wit then age now I prethie go on in this torcheculaife orw ipe-bummatory discourse and by my beard I swear for one punche on thou shalt have threescore pipes I mean of the good Breton wine not that which growes in Britain but in the good countrey of Verron Afterwards I wiped my bum said Gargantua with a kerchief with a pillow with a pantoufle with a pouch with a pannier but that was a wicked and unpleasant torchecul then with a hat of hats note that some are shorne and others shaggie some velveted others covered with taffitie's and others with sattin the best of all these is the shaggie hat for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter Afterwards I wiped my taile with a hen with a cock with a pullet with a calves skin with a hare with a pigeon with a cormorant with an Atturneyes bag with a montero with a coife with a faulconers lure but to conclude I say and maintain that of all torcheculs arsewisps bumfodders tail-napkins bunghole-cleansers and wipe-breeches there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose that is well douned if you hold her head betwixt your legs and beleeve me therein upon mine honour for you will thereby feele in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure both in regard of the softnesse of the said doune and of the temperate heat of the goose which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards insofarre as to come even to the regions of the heart and braines and think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their Asphodele Ambrosia or Nectar as our old women here use to say but in this according to my judgement that they wipe their tailes with the neck of a goose holding her head betwixt their legs and such is the opinion of Master Iohn of Scotland alias Scotus CHAP. XIV How Gargantua was taught Latine by a Sophister THe good man Grangousier having heard this discourse was ravished with admiration considering the high reach and marvellous understanding of his sonne Gargantua and said to his governesses Philip King of Macedon knew the great wit of his sonne Alexander by his skilful managing of a horse for his horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure to ride him after that he had given to his Riders such devillish falls breaking the neck of this man the other mans leg braining one and putting another out of his jaw-bone This by Alexander being considered one day in the hippodrome which was a place appointed for the breaking and managing of great horses he perceived that the fury of the horse proceeded meerly from the feare he had of his own shadow whereupon getting on his back he run him against the Sun so that the shadow fell behinde and by that meanes tamed the horse and brought him to his hand whereby his father knowing the divine judgement that was in him caused him most carefully to be instructed by Aristotle who at that time was highly renowned above all the Philosophers of Greece after the same manner I tell you that by this only discourse which now I have here had before you with my sonne Gargantua I know that his understanding doth participate of some divinity and that if he be well taught and have that education which is fitting he will attain to a supreme degree of wisdome Therefore will I commit him to some learned man to have him indoctrinated according to his capacity and will spare no cost Presently they appointed him a great Sophister-Doctor called Master Tubal Holophernes who taught him his A B C so well that he could say it by heart backwards and about this he was five yeares and three moneths Then read he to him Donat facet theodolet and Alanus in parabolis About this he was thirteen years six moneths and two weeks but you must remark that in the mean time he did learn to write in Gottish characters and that he wrote all his books for the Art of printing was not then in use and did ordinarily carry a great pen and inkhorne weighing above seven thousand quintals that is 700000 pound weight the penner whereof was as big and as long as the great pillar of Enay and the horne was hanged to it in great iron chaines it being of the widenesse of a tun of merchand ware After that he read unto him the book de modis significandi with the Commentaries of Hurtbise of Fasquin of Tropifeu of Gualhaut of Ihon Calf of Billonio of Berlinguandus and a rabble of others and herein he spent more then eighteen yeares and eleven monethes and was so well versed in it that to try masteries in School-disputes with his condisciples he would recite it by heart backwards and did sometimes prove on his fingers ends to his mother quod de modis significandi non erat scientia Then did he reade to him the compost for knowing the age of the Moon the seasons of the year and tides of the sea on which he spent sixteen yeares and two moneths and that justly at the time that his said Praeceptor died of the French Pox which was in the yeare one thousand foure hundred and twenty Afterwards he got an old coughing fellow to teach him named Master Iobelin Bride or muzled doult who read unto him Hugotio Flebard Grecisme the doctrinal the parts the quid est the supplementum Marmoretus de moribus in mensa servandis Seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus Passavantus cum commentar and dormi securè for the holy days and some other of such like mealie stuffe by reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an Oven CHAP. XV. How Gargantua was put under other School-masters AT the last his father perceived that indeed he studied hard and that although he spent all his time in it did neverthelesse profit nothing but which is worse grew thereby foolish simple doted and blockish whereof making a heavie regret to Don Philip of Marays Viceroy or deputie-King of Papeligosse he found that it were better for him to learne nothing at all then to be taught such like books under such Schoolmasters because their knowledge was nothing but brutishnesse and their wisdome but blunt foppish toyes serving only to bastardize good and noble spirits and to corrupt all the flower of youth That it is so take said he any young boy of this time who hath only studied two yeares if he have not a better judgement a better discourse and that expressed in better termes then your sonne with a compleater carriage and civility to all manner of persons account me for ever hereafter a very clounch and baconslicer of Brene This pleased Grangousier very

your teeth which is a terrible thing to think upon seeing the Devill at the Masse at Saint Martins was puzled with the like task when with his teeth he had lengthened out the parchment whereon he wrote the tittle tattle of two young mangy whoores by this inconvenient the cotyledons of her matrix were presently loosed through which the childe sprung up and leapt and so entering into the hollow veine did climbe by the diaphragm even above her shoulders where that veine divides it self into two and from thence taking his way towards the left side issued forth at her left eare as soone as he was borne he cried not as other babes use to do miez miez miez miez but with a high sturdy and big voice shouted a loud some drink some drink some drink as inviting all the world to drink with him the noise hereof was so extreamly great that it was heard in both the Countreys at once of Beauce and Bibarois I doubt me that you do not throughly beleeve the truth of this strange nativity though you beleeve it not I care not much but an honest man and of good judgement beleeveth still what is told him and that which he findes written Is this beyond our Law or our faith against reason or the holy Scripture for my part I finde nothing in the sacred Bible that is against it but tell me if it had been the will of God would you say that he could not do it ha for favour sake I beseech you never emberlucock or inpulregafize your spirits with these vaine thoughts and idle conceits for I tell you it is not impossible with God and if he pleased all women henceforth should bring forth their children at the eare was not Bacchus engendred out of the very thigh of Iupiter did not Roquetaillade come out at his mothers heele and Crocmoush from the slipper of his nurse was not Minerva born of the braine even through the eare of Iove Adonis of the bark of a Myrre-tree and Castor and Pollux of the doupe of that Egge which was laid and hatched by Leda But you would wonder more and with farre greater amazement if I should now present you with that chapter of Plinius wherein he treateth of strange births and contrary to nature and yet am not I so impudent a lier as he was Reade the seventh book of his Natural History chapt 4. and trouble not my head any more about this CHAP. VII After what manner Gargantua had his name given him and how he tippled bibbed and curried the canne THE good man Grangousier drinking and making merry with the rest heard the horrible noise which his sonne had made as he entered into the light of this world when he cried out Some drink some drink some drink whereupon he said in French Que grand tuas et souple le gousier that is to say How great and nimble a throat thou hast which the company hearing said that verily the childe ought to be called Gargantua because it was the first word that after his birth his father had spoke in imitation and at the example of the ancient Hebrewes whereunto he condescended and his mother was very well pleased therewith in the meane while to quiet the childe they gave him to drink a tirelarigot that is till his throat was like to crack with it then was he carried to the Font and there baptized according to the manner of good Christians Immediately thereafter were appointed for him seventeen thousand nine hundred and thirteen Cowes of the towns of Pautille and Breemond to furnish him with milk in ordinary for it was impossible to finde a Nurse sufficient for him in all the Countrey considering the great quantity of milk that was requisite for his nourishment although there were not wanting some Doctors of the opinion of Scotus who affirmed that his own mother gave him suck and that she could draw out of her breasts one thousand four hundred two pipes and nine pailes of milk at every time Which indeed is not probable and this point hath been found duggishly scandalous and offensive to tender eares for that it savoured a little of Heresie thus was he handled for one yeare and ten moneths after which time by the advice of Physicians they began to carry him and then was made for him a fine little cart drawn with Oxen of the invention of Ian Denio wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy and he was worth the seeing for he was a fine boy had a burly physnomie and almost ten chins he cried very little but beshit himself every hour for to speak truly of him he was wonderfully flegmatick in his posteriors both by reason of his natural complexion and the accidental disposition which had befallen him by his too much quaffing of the septembral juyce Yet without a cause did not he sup one drop for if he happened to be vexed angry displeased or sorry if he did fret if he did weep if he did cry and what grievous quarter soever he kept in bringing him some drink he would be instantly pacified reseated in his own temper in a good humour againe and as still and quiet as ever One of his governesses told me swearing by her fig how he was so accustomed to this kinde of way that at the sound of pintes and flaggons he would on a sudden fall into an extasie as if he had then tasted of the joyes of Paradise so that they upon consideration of this his divine complexion would every morning to cheare him up play with a knife upon the glasses on the bottles with their stopples and on the pottle-pots with their lids and covers at the sound whereof he became gay did leap for joy would loll and rock himself in the cradle then nod with his head monocorsing his fingers and barytonising with his taile CHAP. VIII How they apparelled Gargantua BEing of this age his father ordained to have clothes made to him in his owne livery which was white and blew To work then went the Tailors and with great expedition were those clothes made cut and sewed according to the fashion that was then in request I finde by the ancient Records or Pancarts to be seene in the chamber of accounts or Count of the Exchequer at Montforeo that he was accoutred in manner as followeth To make him every shirt of his were taken up nine hundred ells of Chatelero linnen and two hundred for the guissets in manner of cushions which they put under his arm-pits his shirt was not gathered nor plaited for the plaiting of shirts was not found out till the Seamsters vvhen the point of their needles vvas broken began to vvork and occupie vvith the taile there vvere taken up for his doublet eight hundred and thirteen ells of white Satin and for his points fifteen hundred and nine dogs skins and a half Then vvas it that men began to tie their breeches to their doublets and not their doublets to

the enemies awaked but can you tell how even no lesse astonished the●● are Monks at the ringing of the first peale to Matins which in Lusonnois is called Rubbalock In the mean time Pantagruel began to sowe the salt that he had in his bark and because they slept with an open gaping mouth he filled all their throats with it so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like foxes Ha Pantagruel how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that is in us Suddenly Pantagruel had will to pisse by meanes of the drugs which Panurge had given him and pist amidst the Camp so well and so copiously that he drowned them all and there was a particular deluge ten leagues round about of such considerable depth that the history saith if his fathers great mare had been there and pist likewise it would undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge then that of Deucalion for she did never pisse but she made a river greater then is either the Rhosne or the Danow which those that were come out of the City s●eing said They are all cruelly slain see how the blood runs along but they were deceived in thinking Pantagruels urine had been the blood of their enemies for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the pavillions and some small light of the Moon The enemies after that they were awaked seeing on one side the fire in the Camp and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge could not tell what to say nor what to think some said that it was the end of the world and the final judgement which ought to be by fire Others again thought that the sea-gods Neptune Protheus Triton and the rest of them did persecute them for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and salt O who were able now condignely to relate how Pantagruel did demean himself against the three hundred Giants O my Muse my Calliope my Thalia inspire me at this time restore unto me my spirits for this is the Logical bridge of asses here is the pit-sall here is the difficultie to have ability enough to expresse the horrible battel that was fought Ah would to God that I had now a bottle of the best wine that ever those drank who shall read this so veridical history CHAP. XXIX How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred Giants armed with free stone and Loupgarou their Captain THe Giants seeing all their Camp drowned carried away their King Anarchus upon their backs as well as they could out of the Fort as Aeneas did to his father A●chises in the time of the conflagration of Troy When Panurge perceived them he said to Pantagruel Sir yonder are the Giants coming forth against you lay on them with you mast gallantly like an old Fencer for now is the time that you must shew your self a brave man and an honest And for our part we will not faile you I my self will kill to you a good many boldly enough for why David killed Goliah very easily and then this great Lecher Eusthenes who is stronger then foure oxen will not spare himself Be of good courage therefore and valiant charge amongst them with point and edge and by all manner of meanes Well said Pantagruel of courage I have more then for fifty francks but let us be wise for Hercules first never undertook against two that is well cack'd well scummered said Panurge do you compare your self with Hercules You have by G more strength in your teeth and more sent in your bum then ever Hercules had in all his body and soule so much is a man worth as he esteems himself Whilest they spake those words behold Lougarou was come with all his Giants who seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone was carried away with temerity and presumption for hopes that he had to kill the good man whereupon he said to his companions the Giants You Wenchers of the low countrey by Mahoom if any of you undertake to fight against these men here I will put you cruelly to death it is my will that you let me fight single in the mean time you shall have good sport to look upon us then all the other Giants retired with their King to the place where the flaggons stood and Panurge and his Camerades with them who counterfeited those that have had the pox for he wreathed about his mouth shrunk up his fingers and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them I forsake od fellow souldiers if I would have it to be beleeved that we make any warre at all Give us somewhat to eat with you whilest our Masters fight against one another to this the King and Giants joyntly condescended and accordingly made them to banquet with them In the mean time Panurge told them the follies of Turpin the examples of St. Nicholas and the tale of a tub Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel with a mace all of steel and that of the best sort weighing nine thousand seven hundred kintals and two quarterons at the end whereof were thirteen pointed diamonds the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of our Ladies Church at Paris there might want perhaps the thicknesse of a naile or at most that I may not lie of the back of those knives which they call cut-lugs or eare-cutters but for a little off or on more or lesse it is no matter and it was inchanted in such sort that it could never break but contrarily all that it did touch did break immediately Thus then as he approached with great fiercenesse and pride of heart Pantagruel casting up his eyes to heaven recommended himself to God with all his soule making such a Vow as followeth O thou Lord God who hast alwayes been my Protectour and my Saviour thou seest the distresse wherein I am at this time nothing brings me hither but a natural zeale which thou hast permitted unto mortals to keep and defend themselves their wives and children countrey and family in case thy own proper cause were not in question which is the faith for in such a businesse thou wilt have no Coadjutors only a Catholick Confession and service of thy Word and hast forbidden us all arming and defence for thou art the Almighty who in thine owne cause and where thine own businesse is taken to heart canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of millions of legigions of Angels the least of which is able to kill all mortal men and turn about the Heavens and earth at his pleasure as heretofore it very plainly appeared in the army of Sennacherib if it may please thee therefore at this time to assist me as my whole trust and confidence is in thee alone I VOW unto thee that in all Countreys whatsoever wherein I shall have any power or authority whether in this of Utopia or elsewhere I will cause thy holy Gospel to be purely simply and entirely