were Communicated to me in such a manner and measure as unspeakably passeth my Frail Capacity to tell forth or express Which occasioned me to call to Mind my former Wondering and Musing while going on in the way of my Ignorant and Blind Zeal in Serving God before the Spirit of Bondage visited me to think what the Joy of the Holy Ghost should mean Whenever I did Read of the Joy of the Holy Ghost Or did hear any mention thereof Joy of the Holy think I Lord what is that What is the meaning of it I cannot tell or apprehend what this Joy of the Holy Ghost should be Sixthly The Spirit of Adoption was given me whereby I was enabled to come to God's Throne of Grace and with a Holy and Humble Boldness to call him my God and my Father The Instinct in the New Creation wrought by the God of all Grace in me led me to God as the Fountain of all Good The Spirit given me putting into my Mouth Words of Solemn Thanks and Praise for the Greatness and Strangeness of my Salvation To my Knees I betook me Adoreing and Worshipping with my Spirit That Holy Jehovah Trinity in Unity and Unity in Trinity Father Son and Holy Ghost the True and Eternal God Whom all the time of my Blind Zeal and during the time of my Bondage State I had so Ignorantly Worshipped I was now and never before Enabled Jacob like to catch hold of and to Wrestle with a Reconciled God The Greatness Holiness and Infiniteness of his Majesty which before I knew him in Christ terrified and affrightned me with a Witness Animated and Encouraged me in Praying to him It is not to be Exprest in Words with what Alacrity and Chearfulness of Spirit I approached the Throne of Grace and with what Enlargedness and inward Meltings of Heart and Soul I called on God When I did but mention this My God and my Father Oh! what Ravishment of Soul did I Experimentally feel Overflowing and Drowning my very Spirit To my Bed I went with a Glad Ravish'd Heart Christ knows The Burning Inflammation which the Horror and Bondage of my Wounded Despairing Conscience caused in my Body was gon and my Bodys Disposition to Crookedness thought the sinking weight which lay on my Spirit within was Instantly Rebuked and caused to Retreat by the Glad and Joyful Tideings of Gospel Peace which that Night took up its Lodging within me Succeeding and Powerfully Supplanting that Spirit of Bondage which made me so hopeless and as I thought Past all possibility of escapeing Hell No sooner was I stretched in my Bed but Swooning and Fainting Fits of Love Sickness seized me I was Inwardly and Spiritually so Apprehensive of the Mysteriousness of Christs Incarnation his Humbling himself even to Death his lying Confined as a Prisoner in the Grave and his being Raised therefrom again his Ascending to Heaven from whence he came and his Sitting down at the Fathers Right Hand to Enter on the Work of Intercession with God And that as my Surety and Mediator and all for me that I verily thought my Body was near its Dissolution A thing which the clear and certain assurance given me of my being an Adopted Son of God made me even Long and Pant after My Thoughts and Meditations were now wholly Employed about Christ and that Blessed Change which I Sensibly felt was Past on me The sweet and Soul Ravishing Communion I had with Father Son and Holy Ghost was to me instead of Meat Drink and Sleep and that the most Pleasing and Satisfactory that I ever Enjoyed The Actings and Sufferings of Christ in the assumed Nature for me were so realized and the Virtue and Reconciling Efficacy of the same so sensibly set home on my Wounded and Bleeding Soul by the Spirit of Adoption that I thought I had the Person of Christ claspt in my Arms in the Bed Oh! The sweet Intercourses which by the Operation of the Holy Ghost passed between Precious Jesus and my Languid Soul Then was I made to know Experimentally the meaning of Rev. 3. 20. While I was Wakeing I was entertained with strange variety of Interlocution or Discourse which Passed between Christ and me which did Explain and Unfold to me that in Prov. 6. 22. During this I continued in such a Melting Frame that the very Pillow-beer under my Head was as if dipt in a River through the great abundance of Tears of unconceivable Joy which the Sense and feeling of Christ's Love constrained me to shed When I found a necessity of turning in my Bed I could not turn without my Dearly Beloved and Incomparably Loving Jesus in my Arms with me When I Slumber'd and Slept I was soon visited with most Joyful and Ravishing Dreams of God Christ Holy Ghost the Glory of Heaven and the unutterable Bliss and Felicity of those Souls who are Reconciled to God by Christ This was very Frequent and common when Sleep came on me after I had been Sealed in Beleiving And albeit I never durst to heed or mind Nocturnal Dreams yet they have sometimes had such a strange Influence on me that I have felt such delightful Joy and Comfort in my Spirit that sometimes I have been at a stand to think whether I had been asleep or awake It was a frequent Practice with me for some considerable time how long I cannot now Remember to arise in my Bed when I awaked out of My sleep to Bend my Knees and lift up my Eyes Hands and Heart to heaven to Land Praise and Magnify Father Son and Holy Ghost for the greatness and strangeness of my so unexpected and unlook'd for Salvation Being but the Night before yea and every Morning ready to Drop into final Desparation of ever being Saved Oh! What a loss was I at in my self Not knowing how sufficiently to Extol and Bless God for what had now befallen me I was even ready to quarrel with my self because of the narrowness and streightness of my Soul which hindred that I could not take in more of God and go out in more enlarged Expressions of Love and Praises to him For above six Months together I could neither lye down nor arise go down or come up Stairs pass in or out from one place to another but I strongly Conceited that I perceived a Guard of Angels attending my Person It cannot be Expressed with what scorn and abhorrence I look'd on the Pride and Gallantry of the Family where I Lived Their Changeable Suits of Rich and Glittering Apparel with their Choice Meats and sweet Musick with other delightful Pastimes I look'd on and accounted them but as Smoak and Dust The Titles of Worldly Honour wherein the Rest of my Relations did not a little Glory I accounted the same but a meer empty Vanity Oh! think I That my Poor Relations could see taste and feel what I do how would they disrelish and be ashamed and weary of these Poor perishing sensual Delights wherein they Place their Delight and
7. Jo. 16. 14. Jo. 17. 6. Ephes 1. 17. Fifthly He Interrogated or Queried of my Soul as follows 1. Art thou become truly and thoroughly sensible and convinced that thou art by Departing from and Sinning against God an undone miserable and guilty Creature having lost his Blessed Image stamped on thee in Adam thy Natural and Faederal Head in the First Creation And being now become obnoxious to God's Curse and the Wrath to come and Partaker of such a Spiritual Impotency as Renders thee utterly uncapable of doing any thing whereby thou mayst be Delivered out of thy present folorn condition Art thou Conviuced that this thy Misery is of thy own bringing upon thee Sinner Answers O thou Most Holy Just and Tremenduous God! By the Light now Sprung from thee the Fountain of all Light into my Dungeon-like Soul I plainly see what a wretch I am become no way like what thou at first made me in Adam I am likewise fully Convinced that this my Misery was brought on me by my every way voluntary Defection and Apostacy when in Adam's Loins I first yielded to the Motion of the Tempter 2. Art thou Convinced of what the real Desert and Merit of thy Sinning against a Holy and Righteous God is What canst thou say against Gods Casting thee into Hell for that Hellish Rebelon of thine against his Holy and Righteous Law Sin Ans O thou Most Holy and Everlastingly Righteous God who canst not possibly Act amiss in any thing thou dost with thy Creatures I am by the Convincing Power of thy Holy Spirit made Sensible that by my Departing from and Rebelling against thy Majesty I have forfeited that Right I had in Adam to all Good Spiritual and Temporal And shouldst thou Cast me into Hell and Assign me my Portion with the Apostate Angels whose Conduct and wretched Example I followed when I turned my Back on thee thou art and wilt for ever be and remain a Just a Holy and a Most Righteous God my Misery is of my own Procurement and so far am I from reflecting on thee as unjust shouldst thou throw me from thee for ever that I am amaz'd and astonished to think I should be so long out of Hell The Place where I sometimes evenlong'd to be to try whether there was any specifical Difference between the Torments and Miseries of that Place and what I felt in my self while shut up in thy Laws Prison under the sharp and killing Pedagogie thereof 3. Hast thou Viewed and taken notice of that Mediator which I have proposed and discovered to thee in the Gospel Dost thou think or canst thou be perswaded that he can do thy Work for thee viz. Save thee from Curse and Wrath to come and not only so but to Restore thee and bring thee back again to the Favour and Fellowship of God Dost thou see in him an Adequate suitableness to Answer all thy Necessities Sinner Answers O Lord My Eyes are so intent and fix'd on that Mediator that I can have no leisure or spare time to look on any other object in Heaven or Earth never did neither can Men or Angels behold or see such an object except himself The Angels and all the Glory of the whole Creation are but Darkness and Deformity when compared to his Surpassing and Incomparable Amiableness and Loveliness since I had the first glimps of him as held forth and discovered by thy Divine and Efficacious Manifestation I have forgotten my Misery and the fearful Thoughts of Hell and Damnation are swallowed up of the Thoughts and Apprehensions I have of his suitableness to Answer the necessitous Condition of such a Sinner as I am 4. Hast thou Viewed and Observed him so as to like him and choose him for thy Reconciler and Saviour What sayest thou Poor Sinner Wilt thou have him for thine own 'T is Personal Propriety in him that makes the Thoughts and Sight of him Ravishing and Enriching for ever Sinner Answers O Tremendous and Astonishing Mystery of Divine Grace in sending forth from the Father and the Son that Holy Spirit of Promise that by his Illuminating Virtue and quickening Power I might have such a saving Sight of Christ the Saviour as should both beget in me a likeing to his Person and likewise cause in me a burning desire to be Vnited and Married to him I am indeed sick of Love to him and filled with such desires after him as nothing short of a Mystical Vnion to his Most Holy and Glorious Person can satisfy my thirsting Soul 5. Art thou willing that this Mediator shall have the whole Honour of Saving thee by his own Mediatorial Righteousness For As no Righteousness of a meer Creature can stand before the Bar of Gods Infinite and Incomprehensible Holiness and to abide such a Tryal as to be Judged fit and sufficient to Justifie a Sinner before God seeing that the Righteousness to which such Honour is Reserved and Assigned must be the Righteousness of God And also the Righteousness of a sinless Man so this Mediator will become a Saviour to none who will mix or join any thing of their own or other Creatures with his Immaculate and All-sufficient Righteousness The whole and entire Work of Reconciling and Saving Sinners is Devolv'd on him alone He will admit of no Competitor in this Work to which the Father hath Called and Anointed him And the which he himself as Vademony and Surety for God's Elect hath undertaken to go through and Perform What sayest thou Sinner Art thou willing to this Sin Ans O thou Holy of Holy's I see and find so little need of joyning any Righteousness of my own or other Creatures to the Compleat and Perfect Righteousness of this Mediator that I am resolved to look no where else for a Righteousness whereby to be Justified and Saved I am fully Convinced that as he needs no Coadjutor to help him out in this Work of Saving Sinners seeing he is the Holy and Almighty one of God able to Save to the uttermost So I see nothing like a Legal Righteousness which can Answer the Demand of the strict and Righteous Law of God either in my self or any other meer Creature whatsoever Whatever therefore is or can be Suggested or Objected by the Devil or Carnal Reason against this Righteousness of his as Insufficient to Save I am by Strength from above fixedly Resolved to cast my Weary Bleeding Soul thereon come Life come Death 6. There is a thing called the Cross which thou must expect and look to meet with if thou resolve to Live and Reign with Christ in Heaven hereafter Thou must look to Part with all that in this World is Near and Dear to thee for his sake and the Gospels Thou must Sacrifice thy Reputation and Credit among Men. Thou must become willing to be accounted a Fool a Madman a Turbulent Fellow an Enemy to Caesar a Separatist from the Church Thou must not think or look to be advanced to Worldly Wealth and
I was one of that Number whom God the Father Elected and Chose to himself in Christ out of the Corrupted Mass of Fallen Mankind And that before Time began and that my Name was Recorded in Heaven in the Lambs Book of Life 2. He assured me that my Sins and Transgressions committed against the Law and Majesty of Heaven were all laid to the Score of Christ by God the Father And by him as my Vademony and Surety Born and Satisfied for 3. He assured me that the Debt which I had Contracted both in Adam my Natural and Faederal Head and in my own Person was fully Paid and Actually Discharged by my Sponsor and Surety Christ by his Obeying and Keeping the Law perfectly for me and his bearing and undergoing in my Nature the Curse and Wrath of God to which by Sin I became Obnoxious 4. He assured me that God the Father is fully Satisfied with that Obedience Active and Passive of his own Son and that it is for the Worth and Merit of that Obedience that God Justifies and Accepts as Pleasing to him both me and the rest of his Elect for whom alone that Obedience was Performed 5. He assured me that all my Sins how many and great soever are Frankly and Freely Forgiven and Pardoned as if they had never been committed and that not for any Act done by me whether Believing on Christ or Repenting for Sin nor yet for the Sorrows and Miseries I underwent while under the Spirit of Bondage or for any Service to which I should be Called while in a Militant State but for his own Name and Glory sake and on the Account of what his Son my Mediator and Surety had done and suffered in my behalf 6. He assured me that God the Father Loved me with a Real and an Endeared Love before I was Called out of a State of Nature And that the Reason why he handled me so roughly by the Spirit of Bondage was not because he hated me as the Devil and Carnal Reason suggested Or that he might in any measure satisfy his Vindicative Justice for my Sins that being done long before I had a Personal Being But that he might make me the more sensible how hateful Sin is to him being so Contrary to his Pure Spotless and Blessed Nature and so Repugnant and Contradictory to his Holy Just and most Righteous Law As also so Destructive to his Elect whom he so Dearly Loves Also that I might know and become for ever sensible how unspeakably Wretched and Deplorable that State and Condition is into which by Sin Man hath brought himself and out of which no Created Power could possibly Save and Deliver him That I might for ever hate and loath Sin as the worst of Evils and become for ever sensible of the Greatness Goodness Love Mercy Wisdom and the unconceivable and Infinite All-sufficiency of the Glorious and Tremendous Jehovah Father Son and Blessed Spirit who himself without the Counsel or help of Creatures hath contrived and found out such a way of Restoring to his lost Favour his Elect and Chosen in Christ as neither they themselves nor the Angels could ever think of And finally that by his so sharply handleing me way may be made into my Soul for the Manifestation of his Great and Unexpressible Love wherewith he Loves me in Christ to Enter and make its Abode for ever And that from the Experience I have now gotten both by God's Wounding me by the Spirit of Bondage and his Healing and Comforting me by the Spirit of Adoption I might be fitted to speak Experimentally both to the Terrifying and Awakening Secure and Presumptuous Sinners As also to Heal and Comfort Instrumentally Poor Wounded and Bleeding Sinners when Sinking into those Depths of Despondency and Despair out of which the Out-stretched Arm of God's Grace and Almightiness hath Delivered and Rescued poor Sinful Nothing me 7. He assured me that I am now in a Justified Sanctified and Adopted State The lost Image of God being by his Sanctifying Operation Recovered in my Soul in measure 8. He assured me that I shall be made to Persevere and hold out in a State of Grace and that I shall be continued in the Love and Favour of God for ever and ever In despight of all that the Powers of Darkness can Contrive or Act against me 9. He assured me that the Eye of Divine Providence should be Everlastingly fixed on me and the Right Hand of God's Righteousness Everlastingly kept under me for my Security from being in danger at any time of finally Miscarrying or Perishing 10. He assured me that the very Indwelling Corruption in my Nature and whatever Falls or Miscariage which should at any time be occasioned thereby in my Life and Conversation Should with all the Afflictions attending me for the said Miscarriages most certainly and infallibly Work for my Eternal Good and Welfare whatever I my self or others should Judge to the Contrary 11. He assured me that I should meet with great Opposition and Tribulation in the World But that all mine Enemies should find they Laboured in vain For that God was on my side to take my Part against them And who will most certainly Crown all my Streights and Troubles with a happy Success 12. He assured me that God's Special Presence should be so with me in every Change of Condition in this World as that nothing should harm or spoil me Yea that Death it self the last Enemy of Nature should neither Terrify nor Hurt me The Mortal Sting thereof being by the Death of My Redeemer unstung and divested of its Power to harm me or any of Christs Redeemed ones These Particulars Discovered and set home by the Holy Ghost on my Trembling Panting Soul He Working me Powerfully to a Believing each Particular with Application to my self I was immediately surprized with a more Astonishing and overcoming Rapture of Inexpressible Joy than before I had clear manifestations of the Love of God to me in Particular and of the great things done and Prepared for me to make me Everlastingly happy in the Beholding and Enjoying himself as my God and my Father and Portion in Christ for ever According to the Unconditionate Free Covenant of his own Grace Made and Establshed in and with Christ his Son in the behalf of me and the rest of his Elect. No sooner did I look up to God and behold his Reconciled Face Smile on me in the Face of Jesus his Son but I felt such inward Soul Inebriating Joy as I verily thought would cause my very Soul to Fly out of my Body and my Body to burst in sunder The hardness of my Heart under which I Laboured all the time of my Bondage State and which I sensibly felt to grow and encrease as I called to Remembrance the many Follies of Youth and the Holy Law of God whereof those Follies were so many Breaches each Folly Deserving if it were Possible a Thousand Damnations was Melted and Thawn like a
Achilles I am uncertain but in this of the Wounding and Healing of my Soul I am not more certain of any thing in Nature than I am that the Spirit of Christ which Wounded me by the Law did also Heal me by the Gospel Job 5. 18. For he maketh Sore and Bindeth up He Woundeth and his Hands make whole OBSERVATION IV. See and Learn hence How stedfast and faithful God is to his Word of Promise When for Christ and the Gospel was forsaken and cast off by my Father and all other Fleshly Relations being turn'd out empty handed to the wide World and not knowing whether to go or what to do God took care of me and provided a Lodging and Friends for me which with the Peace of my Conscience gave me more satisfaction and comfortable content than all the Gallantry and Greatness of my Fleshly Relations Those sweet Promises Recorded in the Scriptures and made good by the Providence of God have oftentimes Refreshed and Ravish'd my pensive and weary Soul Psal 27. 10. When my Father and my Mother forsake me then the Lord will take me up Mat. 19 29. And every one that hath forsaken Houses or Brethren or Sisters or Father or Mother or Wife or Children or Lands for my Name 's sake shall Receive an Hundred fold and shall Inherit Everlasting Life Heb. 13. 5. Let your Conversation be without Covetousness and be content with such things as ye have For he hath said I will never never never never never leave thee nor forsake thee The Greek hath no less than five Negatives in this one Scripture to assure the true Believer that God will in no wise forget or forsake him I have been forsaken of my Nurse when but three Months old but I was taken into the Nursery of God's Providential Care which causes in me often to think with Comfort of that in Psal 22. 10. I was cast upon thee from the Womb thou art my God from my Mothers Belly The same Providence which took Care of the Head takes Care also of the Members I was forsaken of my Bodily Physitians But the Great Physitian of Soul and Body Cur'd me by poor Contemptible Snails I was forsaken of my Earthly Father and all Fleshly Relations But God is become by Grace and Free Adoption my Father who will never forske me Totally or Finally I was forsaken by my Brethren and Sisters But those who are the Sons and Daughters of God they are become my Brethren and Sisters And albeit many of them who know me not are on Malicious Reports prejudiced against me yet others of them who know me and Gods dealing with me they Love me dearly I have been forsaken by several of my Church Members in Ireland and England Christ my Lord and Master hath been so before me Jo. 6. 66. From that time many of his Disciples went back and walked no more with him Yet God is my God still I have been forsaken of My Brethren in the Sacred Office and left to stand alone when Popery and Quakerism were coming in like a Floud None stepping in to help or Encourage me against those Adversaries of Gods Religion But he that stood by Paul when all other Preachers in his day forsook him stood by me and emboldned me against their Threats and Malice I had Thoughts of Printing the most material Objections brought in by Satan to distress and distract a poor Sinner to keep him from Christ And how the Spirit of Grace Taught and Enabled me to Answer them all But my intended Brevity hath Prevented me therein All Glory Honour and Eternal Praise to the only Wise and Glorious God Father Son and Holy Ghost Amen Amen Postscript LEst Satan should get an Advantage by this Relation of God's strange and wonderful dealing with me in bringing me Home to Christ in such an unusual manner and his Handling me so sharply by the Spirit of Bondage As also his Bountiful dealing with me in making my Soul the Receptacle of such Ravishing Joy and unutterable Consolation upon Believing in Christ in Effectual Calling I thought it may be seasonable to give the present Caution to the Poor Doubting Tempted Believer who through Satans Subtilty Tempting will find him or her self wretchedly Prone to Conclude from what they read of my Conversion That the Work of true Conversion was never yet effectually wrought in themselves And that because they were never under such Terrible Bondage of Soul Neither ever yet were lifted up so near Heaven as I was Such Poor Tempted Believers are to consider the Particulars following for their help and relief against the Tempter in this Case First Consider That as in Nature there is a vast disparity or difference between Persons in the Natural Birth so there is as vast a difference in the Spiritual Birth Some Women go through abundantly more and sharper Pains and Throws in Travel than others meet with Some Babes meet with greater difficulties and dangers in the Birth than do others The causes whereof in Nature tho they appear not to us yet it is most certain that so it is So in Conversion some Souls pass through greater Horror and Bondage in the Consciences than others do Some are brought as it were through the very Jaws of Hell and desparation as I was others are dealt more easily and gently with Being sweetly allured and as it were insensibly Transplanted into Christ they not well knowing what is done to them Paul and the rugged Jaylor were handled more roughly their Conscience were more deeply Wounded with the frightning Terrors of God's Law set Home by the Spirit of Bondage than Lydia whose Heart the Lord opened with more gentle Touches of his Spirit Acts 9. 6. Acts 16. 15 29. That Woman who is safely Delivered without any danger or great difficulty to herself or her Babe hath no reason to question whether she be indeed Delivered because she went not through such danger and difficulty as her Neighbour did who narrowly escaped with her Life neither hath she any Cause of being Jealous with her Neighbour because her case or condition was more dangerous and desperate in Travel than was her own Thou who art brought to Christ by the gentle Drawings of the spirit of Grace and not brought so nigh to the affrightning sight of Hell And to such a Sense and feeling of the Pains of the Damned As have caused some to think themselves actually in Hell Admire at and Bless God for his Condescention towards thee in bringing thee through the New Birth so easily Secondly Consider That albeit the truth of thy Conversion be not so sensibly discern'd as the Conversion of that Person is who is brought Home in the way of Legal Terror Yet thou art bound to Bless God for the smallest measure of Grace bestowed on thee as the smallest Spark of Fire tho' it be hid under a great heap of Ashes is as truly Fire as the greatest Fire in Nature So thy small Grace which in comparison of some others Grace may be so weak and little that it can scarcely be discerned yet Grace it is tho' thou know it not to be so And he who bestowed it on thee and wrought it in thee he will never reject or neglect thee because of thy little Grace while he sees thee Constant and Diligent in the use of means Labouring to grow in Grace Esa 42. 3. Mat. 5. 6. Esa 41. 17. Phil. 1. 6. Oh! But I do not find that I am brought to Christ and which is far worse I fear I never shall To this I Answer in Two Particulars First Thy very fear about this greatest of Concerns is an Argument of thy Translation from the First Adam to the Second Adam Christ Jesus the Lord. If the Spirit of Grace had not given thee some Sight and Taste of the Excellency and Sweetness of Christ thou couldest never prize or desire after him 'T is only the Child that hath Tasted the Hony or Sugar that Longs and Crys for more Secondly If thou findest a fixt Resolution in thy Soul in going on to seek the Lord. And his Strength by Prayer and Supplication and other means of Grace not resting in or depending upon them but on Christ alone for Life and Salvation My Life for thine come Death when God Pleaseth to send it it will end all thy fears and put thee beyond the reach of all thine Enemies Thy frequent Crying to God in Prayer for Christ and Saving Grace is the Eccho of Christ Praying for thea at the Throne of Grace And thy going on and continuing to Watch at Wisdoms Gates could not possibly be without invisible Supplies of Spiritual Strength Communicated to thy Soul by the Spirit of Christ THE END
A REVIVING CORDIAL FOR A Sin-sick Despairing SOUL In the Time of TEMPTATION THE Same being an Extract of the unworthy Authors Experience of the Particular following I. The miraculous Preservation of his Bodily Life from the many Deaths and eminent dangers which threatned it while in a state of Nature II. The Method God took with him in awakening him to look into and to mind Soul concerns when about Fourteen Years of Age. III. How the Spirit of Bondage took him and what fearful Work it made in his Soul IV. How the Spirit of Adoption succeeded the Spirit of Bondage healing and binding up the deep Wounds Caused in his Soul thereby Câ—â—â— and hear all ye that fear God and I will declare that he hath done for my Soul Psal 66. 16. I will Praise thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made marvelous are thy Works and that my Soul knoweth right well Psal 139. 14. By Ja. Barry an unworthy Minister of the Gospel London Printed for the Author 1699. To his very much Respected and highly Honoured Friend Mr. Nicholas Skinner Merchant of London Worthy and Honored Sir THE laudable Character given you by some Ministers of Christ and other good Souls now I Charitably hope and believe Praising God in Glory Especially the experimental tast I my self have had of your goodness since Providence made me so happy in your Acquaintance hath Encouraged me to prefix your worthy and deserving Name to this small Tract whose design and chief tendency is to encourage poor dejected Souls under the hidings of God's Face to cast themselves on that never failing goodnss of God in Christ untill God's set time for Deliverance comes And also to stir up experienced and grown Believers to a becoming Adoration and Praising of that Adorable Name and Wonder working Providence of the Glorious and Tremendous Jehovah which hath so conspicuously appear'd in the Deliverance wrought for me his poor nothing Creature both for Soul and Body and who am to this very Day kept alive and upheld by that Divine Manutenency of his own to the great Admiration both of my self and those godly Souls who know my present Circumstances and Gods dealing with me I have been for several Years past more than ordinarily Importun'd both by godly Divines and such Zealous working Christians as your self to Publish what now I have presumed to Dedicate to so dear and well deserving a Friend as you are well known to be both to God's Truth and such as in any measure bear the Blessed Image of his Son The principal Motive of their importuning me to Publish this was the strange Influence the Relation hereof from my own Mouth had upon their own Spirits the effects whereof they were not able to hide the Tears of Joy gushing out surprizingly from their Eyes with both Eyes and Hands lifted up to Heaven wondering at and Adoreing the Wonders of God in my Case Professing and declaring that in all their time they had neither heard nor known so much of the goodness and Grace of God vouchsased to a poor lost and undon sinner as was shewn and vouchsafed to unworthy me Which occasioned several of the godly Ministers especially Mr. Noah Bryan Mr. Timothy Taylor Mr. Samuel Mather and the dear Mr. Nathaniel Mather all now with Christ to profess that they never heard of or knew any Sinner come so near to Paul as touching God's method and way of Working upon and dealing with him in and after his Conversion as I did And therefore they unanimously agreed in Judging that to Publish the same was my Duty The which they doubted not would be greatly useful and that both to Saints and Sinners on sundry accounts The sincere and upright Hearted Nathaniel Mather late of Pinners-Hall hath several times chid me for my backwardness to so necessary and useful a Work and a little before his Death he at me again about it examining into the Grounds of my backwardness herein To whom I reply'd Sir There are two things which hitherto have kept me back from Publishing this my experience and how much of Satan there may be in it I cannot determin The First is The difficulty which attends my setting down in Writing the working of the Spirit of Adoption in doscovering and applying Christ unto me the Remembrance whereof doth so swallow me up and melt me that I am not able to see my Paper for the Tears of Joy which obstruct my Visive Faculty To which he Reply'd that it was pitty any thing should hinder me in so good and useful a Work The Second is the fear Lodg'd within me of Peoples not Crediting the Relation I shall give hereof in case it were Printed For said I the greatest part of Professors are so great strangers to the nature of true Regeneration especially when wrought in a Sinner in the way and method God took with me that they will rather suspect and question the truth of what I relate than Praise God or improve the same for their own good or Spiritual advantage for the same To which Reply was made That Satan was always ready to obstruct any good Work which hath the least tendency to God's Praise or the good of Souls Since his departure the fresh Remembrance of the Importunities of the Worthies above Named together with the repeated Solicitations of several godly zealous Christians yet living have prevailed with me to beat my way through those Difficulties which lay before me leaving the Issue of my present undertaking to the powerful Providence of God to make the same successful in what it is designed for And begging most heartily your Pardon for the method I have taken in acknowledging the great Kindness and Respect shewen by your Religious and truly Generous self to the meanest and most unworthy of Christ's Dispised Ambassadours the which I doubt not you will find Recorded in Heaven by my Lord and Master as an evident proof of your Faith in and unfeigned Love to Him and his Cause and Interest here on Earth Let not Dear Sir the disadvantages under which I lye on account of the slanderous Reproaches heaped on me by malicious Spirits lessen your hope of the glorious Recompence of Reward promised by him that cannot lye to all your Works and Labours of Love exprest to me and others of Gods Children for the Sake of Christ He that will take notice of a cup of Cold Water given to a Disciple in the Name of his Disciple will I question not Record in Heaven the refreshing Wine I have drank at your Table more than once and the Silver and Gold sent me and given me by your self whereby both I and my distressed Family have been kept from sinking into the Dust And albeit I should at the great day of Judgment appear to be a Cast away from Christ of which through Infinite Grace I am no more afraid than I am afraid that God can cease to be what he is Yet your Integrity and Uprightness in what you
Honour If thou tread in those Steps of Christ which leads to the Heavenly Glory He went to Heaven Antipodes to this vain World wherein thou art So must thou if thou desirest to meet him in Heaven Thou must expect and look to have all the World set against thee for thy Witnessing to the Truth and condemning the Errors and Wickedness of the World Thou must expect and look to be Cast off by Father and all Fleshly Relations for his and the Gospels sake Thou wilt for following Christ in the ways of Holiness be accounted an Hypocrite a self conceited and a self Justifying Precisian and proud Pharisee and that by the greatest Pharisees of the Times The Powers of Darkness will all Combine against thee to Besiege and Fight against thee And yea the very Face of Providence shall seem to Frown and look black on thee to try whether thou wilt stick faithfully to Christ and the Gospel And finally If God call thee to leave all and rather to lay down thy Life than to leave and lose Christ Thou must Trample them all under thy Feet preferring Christ before Father Mother Brethren Wife and Children tho never so Dearly Belov'd yea and thy very Life too What sayest thou to this Sinner wilt thou venture on having or taking Christ on these Terms Sin Ans For ever Blessed and Holy Lord God! Thou knowest how hard this Task is for Flesh and Blood and not only hard but even Impossible yet considering the absolute Necessity of the Choice now laid before me and in regard of that Divine Power whereby I find my Heart made willing to make Choice of Christ on the Terms now mentioned I desire to Choose and have him let God do with me and all that is Dear to me what he Pleaseth so he give me his Christ I am so apprehensive of the Sweet and Soul Enriching Advantages which accompany the Cross that I am very unwilling to be Exempted from it if I may have my own Choice I therefore through the Divine Spirits Gracious Power enabling me hereto do yield my free and full consent to this matchless Match Casting my self on him when actually Married to him in a way of humble dependance for Strength and Power to Act and Suffer a in way of Duty whatever becomes his Disciple and Follower And oh that God above with Christ and the Holy Ghost might say Amen to it Matters being thus Proposed by the Holy Ghost and I the worst and most unworthy of Sinners to be Saved being endued with Power from him to close with the Proposals made I immediately felt my whole Heart and Soul quickned within me and drawn out to an effectual closing with Christ in the offers of the Gospel Like a Ship sticking in the Sand which no Strenght or Art of Men can set a Float till the full Spring Tide come and set her a Float carrying her forth into the Broad Ocean The quickening Virtue of the Holy Ghost and the Attracting Power of the Lord Jesus drew me to believe in him My Soul Crying out with a silent and a still Voice my Lord and my God thou art mine to Save me and I am thine to Serve thee Hereupon I felt as it were another Spirit put into me whereby I was enabled to understand and know the design of the great God in causing so great a Change to pass upon me The Holy Ghost within me Witnessing to his own Work now wrought in my Soul And Sealing me to the Day of Redemption in Believing I felt a Torrent of unspeakable Joy come from above flowing in upon me in such manner and measure as I believe no Saint or Angel in Heaven can set forth or express as I felt it Hereupon I fell into an Holy Extasie and Divine Rapture of unexpressible Joy with these Thoughts and Expressions within my self Oh! What a Change is this which I now sensibly feel A Dead Sinner brought to Life again a Rebel and a Fugitive from God brought Home and Reconciled by the Blood of the Lamb. A Prisoner and a Captive held so long under the killing Terrors of the Law and unmerciful Usurpations and Infernal Assaults of the Powers of Darkness set Free and Manumitted by the Deliverer of Gods Elect. An undone forlorn Sinner shut up under the Power of Vnbelief who a while since would shun and fly from God if he knew how for fear of his Frowns and the Curse due for the breach of his Law Now ready to shoot himself into Heaven and Whimper and Cry like a Child till he be Lodged in the Bosom of God's Love Oh! My Soul Who could have thought of this When the Irons of the Laws Severity had pierced thee so deeply And when the Apprehensions lodg'd in thee of thy being a Reprobate and forsaken of God deliver'd thee up to Desparation The very Portal or Entrance into Hell it self Where am I What is the Matter What am I doing What such a one as I Saved Is it possible Can it be Am I not under a Satanical Dream or Delusion Lord help me to know if it be a Delusion and undeceive me Here I was at a stand for but a little space it was occasioned by my calling to Mind what a deceitful Enemy the Devil is and how near he can go in imitating the Spirit of God in causing flashes of Joy in the Soul of an Awakened Sinner And thinking at the same time whether mine was not so The Spirit of Adoption who began his Good and Blessed Work in my Soul did not leave me in this Cloud But by his own Elucidating and Heart Searching Virtue and Power brings to my Thoughts and Consideration all the Objections which either Devil or Carnal Reason could possibly make against my being Saved by Christ and by manifesting the Fathers Decree and Purpose concerning me in Eternity And laying open the Nature and Design of the Covenant of Grace And the every way Alsufficiency of the Lord Jesus to go through with the Work he hath undertaken for me He fully Answered all Objections and Confuted the False and Sophistial Reasonings brought in by Satan and Corrupt Reason against my being Saved As he most Powerfully convinced me of Sin And the misery which thereby I brought upon my self And that when he became a Spirit of Bondage to fit me for the Great Physitian So likewise now he is become a Spirit of Adoption he as Powerfully convinced me of that Spotless and Everlasting Righteousness of the Mediator God-Man by and for which I was Justified in the Person of my Surety when at his Resurrection God the Father Justified and Acquitted him from all charge of Sin whereto he became liable and obnoxious when he Struck Hands with the Father as a Surety for me and the rest of the Elect. The Twelve Things here following he Particularly assured me of and that as fully and sensibly as ever I was sensible that I saw Natural Light or Darkness 1. He assured me that
to Truth nor the way to him no more than a Poor Pagan who never heard of him I had such low gross and carnal Thoughts and Apprehensions of the Deity that I am very apt to conclude the very Heathen had far Higher and more Sublimate Conceptions of their Fictitious Gods that I had of that Tremendous and unconceiveably Glorious God whom I so Ignorantly Worshipt I was wonderfully Zealous in all Religious Performances wherein I did at any time Engage both in Private and also in the Publick In my Private Duties I was Marvelously Retired and Secret Being full of Apprehensions how ill Constructions would by all sorts be put upon my so Severe and Strict way of Living and for better accomplishment whereof I singled out a very convenient place then which I thought no place better for my turn and purpose It was in a little Room on the Top of the Castle wherein my Father Lived In that Room I spent the most of my time in Fasting Praying and Reading my Books especially my Darling and chief Admired and Beloved Book viz. Mr. Baxter's Call to the Vn-Converted When I found my self much wearied with Reading I would sometimes divert my self by walking on the Topp of the Castle during which diversion I did often hear the Shouts and enticing Calls of my Wicked Companions to bring me back again to my newly forsaken Sports and sinful Pastime It was no small Matter to encounter with the workings of Nature and the violent Temptations of the Devil both joining together in Suggesting and Framing Arguments to induce to a willing and ready compliance with those Calls and Invitations to what I Lov'd and lik'd as dearly as the daily Food I Liv'd by Oh! the strange workings which I found in my self during those Combates The Ungodly whose Company I had Lov'd and delighted in so dearly Calling and Enviting The strong Bent and inclination of the Flesh drawing And a subtil and violent Devil Tempting and Perswading to return What! Forsake thy dear Companions and thy sweet delightful Sports and Pleasures at this Rate What! To Game or Sport no more for ever Alass Poor Wretch What good wilt thou get by betaking thy self to this Pensive Sad and Melancholly kind of Life Thou hast had Experience of the Sweetness and delightfulness of that way of Living which thou art now forsaking The many and sore Miseries and Troubles attending this new course of Life which thou art so fond of and on which thou art so resolutly bent do not yet appear in their black and formidable Colours therefore be wise in time go back to thy deserted Companions and freely Embrace thy forsaken Sports and Pleasures before thou be'st too far gon in this fond and dangerous way thou art gotten into Or else thou wilt Repent when it is too late Besides these assaults from the Devil and the continual ebullitions of my stinking and vile Nature which did frequently surround me with new and fresh Attacks to draw me back again I met with new and unlookt for Discouragements from my Relations who taking notice of the great and strange Change which evidently appeared in me frequently assail'd my weak and poor beginnings in Piety and Religion with hard Speeches and unbecoming Language against that precise and severe course of Life I had so lately embraced telling me with great asseverations that I should most certainly bring my self to downright Madness by Reading the Scriptures so much Note Reader and Oserve by the way how great an Antipathy there is in the Devil and in Unregenerate Sinners to the Sacred Scriptures a sure Argument that they are the Pure and Infallible Word of God These things accompanied with innumerable Mocks Taunts and Jeers which on all occasions were heaped on my Name and Practice proved some occasion of startling and discouragement to me But the fixt apprehensions I had of being sent to Hell to be Damned in Case I became not and continued a Convert did abundantly out-do all the oppositions which lay or met me in my way of strict and Religious Living On I went notwithstanding the many and great oppositions I found my self encompassed with abounding and encreasing rather than any way declining or abating either in Duties or Ardent Zeal in doing them My proficiency in Morality and the advances I made in Zeal fo the Church and the Liturgie and Service thereof were so Conspicuous and manifest that I became the talk of almost all sorts especially those who stood Related to my Family Letters and Persons who past to and fro giving an Account in City and Country what a strange alteration and admirable change appeared in their Cousen J. B. and what a great and wonderful Practiser of Piety he was become This was so noised abroad that I could scarce look or speak or pass in or out where People were but I had somewhat or other brought into Discourse concerning my forwardness and Zeal in Religion And notwithstanding I was at that time but an Hypocritical Formalist and a Painted Legalist knowing nothing of Jesus Christ and the Covenant of Grace not so much as in the Notion yet I was frequently troubled and exceedingly ashamed to hear mention made of my Activity and Zeal in Serving and Worshipping God So far was I from either designing or desiring to make the World privy to my Intentions of Going to Heaven And that which speaks the thing the more strange is to consider the Circumstances of Time and Place neither of which afforded any thing that might contribute the least part of a Motive or an Inducement to put me on looking towards or so much as thinking of Conversion there being no Preaching in those parts the ordinary means by which Convictions in order to Faith and Conversion are effected Nor yet the Example or Advice and Council of any Person which might occasion in me such thoughts or workings of Soul In this way I contined for about Six or Seven Years after my first awakenings frequenting the Church and its appointed Service and growing blind in Pharisaical Zeal for the Moral Law and Divine Service Book Until I had in my own apprehension and conceit arriv'd at a high pitch of Confidence that I was beyond all dispute really Converted and that consequently I should go to Heaven and be Saved Yea I did frequently reckon and account with my self that if but two in the World should go to Heaven I should certainly be one of the two And that because I was certainly Converted and had taken so much and great pains in doing Good and shunning Evil. I had no Fear or Jealousy lodg'd in me about Gods accepting my Person And his having regard to my numerous and zealous Performances of Duty both Private and Publick My Extraordinary Inclinations to the Ministry and that matchless Zeal which appear'd in me for the Church that Love and Veneration I had for its Liturgie Ceremonies and Clergie especially its Prelacy gave my Father and other Relations great hopes that I
should be an Honour to the Family and a Man of no ordinary Figure in the Orb of the Church CHAP. III. Seting forth the Spirit of Bondage seiz'd me in the very heighth of my Confidence of being in a good and sure state of Salvation What sad work it made with me and what means I used for Help and Relief under its killing and sinking Weight WHen I was about Twenty One Years of Age in the very heat and height of my Zeal in Prosecuting that Righteousness consisting of that Negative and Positive Obedience which the Law Moral enjoyns and requires as the condition of Life and Salvation It pleased God to send forth the Spirit of Bondage to Seize me to the end I might be Instructed and fully convinc'd how vain my Confidence of being Sav'd and going to Heaven in that self pleasing way of Legal Righteousness was The manner of it was thus being on the Day called Easter Monday at my Cathedral Devotion in the Place call'd Christ Church in Dublin a Place I constantly frequented to Morning and Evening Service and a Place which I more Zaelously Lov'd and Venerated than any Place in the World besides For that I verily conceited in my self it was as the very Entrance into Heaven it self After the Service was ended one Dr. Golborn Preach'd his Text was in Ephes 5. 14. Wherefore he saith Awake thou that sleepest and arise from the dead and Christ shall give thee light A Good and Choice Text but how well or ill Handled I must acknowledge my self to have been at that time a very incompetent Judge to say or determine About the middle of the Sermon as near as I could guess there was darted into my mind this sad and killing Thought viz. that I had the day before Received the Sacrament unworthily which sad Thought was back'd with that of 1 Cor. 11. 29 For he that Eateth and Drinketh unworthily Eateth and Drinketh Damnation to himself not descerning the Lords Body This sad and dismal Thought back'd as I said with that Scripture just now Quoted Not any Word spoken by the Preacher was that which seiz'd my Mind and let in the Spirit of Bondage upon me No sooner had I look'd this 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 oâ— â—ore-runner of the Spirit of Bondage in the Face compareing it with the place already mentioned but I concluded my self a lost and an undone man My Spirit was in such an amazing Fright and over whelming consternation to think that I was most certainly Damn'd to all intents and purposes that indeed I verily thought all the People in the place were a swarm or a Legion of Devils which God in revengefull wrath had sent from the Bottomless Pit to guard and attend my Guilty Soul thither The apprehensions I had of being Damn'd and sent to Hell so rack'd and tormented my Spirit that I found my self unable to stay till Sermon was ended Away I ran out of that Place to shun as I then thought those swarms of Devils which I strongly conceived were to guard me to Hell As soon as I came to my Lord of Santry's where I then Liv'd I entered my Chamber with a sad and heavy Heart God knows to my Knees I go with an intent to Pray if so be there might be any scrap of Hope of my escaping being Eternally Damn'd But alass What Tongue or Pen can Relate the Pass and condition I was then at My Reason my Conscience and my very Speech were as it were Plung'd and Drown'd in the Gulph of Despair so that I could neither utter a Word in Prayer nor yet consider what I should do to Relieve my Bleeding Soul in that sore distress I durst not abide in my Chamber fearing to see and feel the Devils actually to Seize me To the Minister of the Parish I went from whose Hands I Received the Sacrament but the Day before not knowing but that he might Administer some kind of Relief to one in my condition He observing the gastliness of my Looks and taking notice that somewhat ailed me he asked me how I did to which I could not Reply He pressing to know what the matter was I at length in a very abrupt and broken manner told him that I was full of the apprehensions and fears that I was a Damn'd Man and that there was no hopes of Mercy for such a one as I was The Minister somewhat surprized at so sudden and so great a Change since but the Day before he began to Examin what great and heinous Sins one of my Age and one in so encouraging Circumstances as I was in could be guilty of which should occasion such sad Despair He mentioned some Texts of Scriptures thereby hoping to have given some Relief to my weary gasping Soul but all in vain God's time of Healing me being not yet come And finding by my frequent coming to him for Ease and Comfort to how little purpose he had laboured with me he at length advised me to Ride into the Country to Visit my Father and other Relations and by that means as also by Exercising my self with such Exercise as I formerly delighted in as Shooting with the Gun and Angling to divert my Melancholy Thoughts This I was glad to hear of my own Inclinations leading so strongly to it in order to the effecting of which I Addressed my self to my Lord's House-Keeper entreating her to acquaint my Lord that in regard of some present Indisposition under which I laboured and in order to my Health I had not only an inclination but was advised to Visit my Father in the Country in order whereto I thought it convenient to acquaint his Lordship therewith to the end I might obtain not only his Lordships free consent but also the liberty of a Horse to perform my intended Journey The House-Keeper no sooner delivered my request to my Lord but my Lord Commands her to call me up into his Chamber As soon as I received the Command I fell immediately into a great Sweat and sore Trembling up I went and being entered into the Chamber my Lord Locks the Chamber Door and laying his Hat on a Cabinet sits down in his Chair and with an earnest and piercing Eye looks on a pretty while before he Speaks I all the while sweating and quaking At length my Lord begins with James what ails you What is the matter I hear you go privately to Ministers there is somewhat ails you What is it I perceiving by my Lord's Discourse that the Minister of the Parish had acquainted my Lord with my Case I found my self far more uneasie than before My Sweat and Trembleings of Soul encreasing upon me My Lord continued querying What ails you James tell me what is the matter I was so overwhelm'd in my Spirit that my Speech was swallowed up as Job saith Job 6. 3. But my Lord not letting me alone but with earnest Importunities pressing to know what I ailed I at length as a poor Condemn'd Caitiff hanging by a