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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A67512 The miracles perform'd by money a poem / by the author of the humours of a coffee-house. Ward, Edward, 1667-1731. 1692 (1692) Wing W746; ESTC R3744 7,977 26

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THE MIRACLES Perform'd by MONEY A POEM By the Author of the Humours of a Coffee-house T is Virtue Wit and Worth and all That Men Divine and Sacred call For what is Worth in any thing But so much Money as t' will bring Hudibras part 2d Canto 1st LONDON Printed and are to be sold by the Book-sellers of London and Westminster 1692. EPISTLE DEDICATORY TO Sir Martin Monyless SInce my very good Friend but now under the Hatches And as poor as a Seller of Brooms and Card-matches Thou hast left off thy Quibbles thy Songs and thy Catches Prithee leave off thy Sober dull Plodding and thinking And into thy Pockets get Ready and Chink in And then I 'le allow thee a Time for good Drinking For till then be thy Parts ne're so Modish and Florid Till with Darby's and Smelts thou thy Purse hast well stored There 's a Fool in thy Face and an Ass in thy Forehead What a Pox do I care for a Monyless Fellow If he speaks ne're so Witty he seems but to Bellow If he wants the true Blessings of White and of Yellow Till thou Mony hast got thy Brisk Humour will falter Till thou hast it ne're spare neither Temple nor Altar But a Word by the by Have a care of the Halter But let happen What will get some Mony how er'e Cog Flatter Dissemble Lye Swear and Forswear And attempt any Action a brave Fellow dare Be a Pimp or a Pander a Sharper or Bully A Decoy a Trappan or a Counterfeit Cully And never give ore till thou 'st done the trick fully Swear old Men are young and Queen Blowze is a Beauty Undo pretty Virgins tempts Wives from their Duty And be true to all Interests you think will be true t' ye Out-rail a Bilk't Coachman Out-banter a Wit Out-lye a News-writer out-promise a Cit Strive thy self to out-do if the Thing thou canst hit More Women deceive than did Wickham of late Religion or Bawdy or any thing Prate And put on all Shapes so thou get but the Plate Prithee never want Mony what ever may lack thee For when thou hast Mony no Friends will forsake thee But if thour' t without it the Devil may take thee Thy Friend if thou wilt be thine own Tom of Ten Thousand WHat mighty Magick does the World betwitch That all Mankind thus Covet to be Rich Daily plough up the raging stormy Main From East to West and all in chase of Gain Climb highest Hills through sandy Deserts go Over partcht Plains and Mountains clad in Snow The various Heats and Colds of Climates scorn Of both the Tropicks Cancer Capricorn Deprive their Nights of Rest their Days of Pleasure Grow Hoary-headed in pursuit of Treasure Swear and Forswear Equivocate and Lye Stick at no Oaths nor blackest Perjury Sons kill their Fathers Brother fight with Brother And all Mankind prove Wolves to one another Friends sheath their Swords in Bosoms of their Friends When with kind Love their Interest contends With wild confusion all the World spread o're Occasion'd by the search of Shining Oar The Secret would some Spirit but unfold From whence proceeds this mighty thirst of Gold Cease Foolish Muse thy Admiration cease Or to know nothing of the World confess For 't is a certain Maxim plain and clear Want of a Blessing makes a Blessing dear What Monied Man wrackt with Gout would not With a young healthful Beggar change his Lot With wholesom Scraps a vig'rous health maintain Rather than lye on Velvet Couch in pain If Love of Mony be the Root of Evil The want of it is certainly the Devil A Truth which ever was and ever will Be known to all the Brethren of the Quill Their Purses like Sprink-tides are sometimes swel'd And to the Brims with smiling Angels fill'd But Tides of Ebb do soon their Pockets drain And then they 're at low Water mark again Since then it is not by the Gods allow'd Poets should always find so great a good Wee 'l rail at what is not within our Power As did the Fox who swore the Grapes were sour Recount the various Wonders hourly done By Monies strange effective Force alone And the surprizing Miracles unfold Done by the Vertue of Almighty Gold Room for my Lord there be uncover'd Slave Bear back ye Vermin cries a sawcy Knave Walking before a Spark whose vast Estate Did's Title first and then Respect create Whose Grand-father perhaps was one so civil For Gold to go directly to the Devil That his dear Hony suckle Babe might be A Knight or else a Man of Quality See how he struts observe the humble grin Which by his Flatterers is return'd again Mark how they bow with most fantastick cringes As if their Bodies mov'd by Springs and Hinges A supple Slave then whispers in his Ear My Lord Gad judg me if you dont appear The most accomplish'd Person in the World Your Shape so clean your Wigg so neatly Curl'd Nay you 'r the only Man at Court which ere Knew how to Dress By Gad my Lord you wear Your Cloaths with such becoming Negligence As if you only put them on by Chance The Ladies all have laid their Hearts at stake And sigh and languish only for your sake At this my Lord affords a gracious Smile Listning to 's fulsom Flattery all the while By this time to attend his Levee comes A needy Poet twirling of his Thumbs And looking simply humbly craves my Lord The mighty Honour would be pleas'd t' afford As to become a Patron to his Play That is in other words be pleas'd to pay For fulsom Praise cramp't in a florid Story In the Epistle called Ded'catory By a small nod my Lord assents he will Which does the scribling Wretch will pleasure fill Homeward he goes by studious Arts to raise For gilded Quality some tinsel Praise Nay too too oft do Men of Wit and Parts Well read in Men in Languages and Arts Expose for want of necessary Pence To monied Blockheads their Immortal Sense Who by that Means acquire a lasting Fame And to Posterity transmit a Name Which in Oblivions Records else had stood With Names of Millions dead before the Flood Mong Wonders to which Mony makes pretence 'T is strange it shou'd supply the want of Sense Yet is an Ideot by Fortune blest With a full Pocket or a well cram'd Chest And by the means of his so large Increase Made Knight o' th Shire or Justice of the Peace At Quarter-Sessions when he sits in State Among his Brethren to Assess and Rate Tho nere so dull and flat yet what he says Is of By-Standers sure to gain the Praise 'T is much if when their Commendations Swell They say not Spoken like an Oracle Or if in mixt Converse where Business News Or other Talk does Company amuse The Man should chancc to Interfere and Prate For nothing noted but his great Estate If by the Hour he Nonsense should discourse Than which there cannot be a greater Curse