Souls I shall add no more but proceed to give an account of the wonderful dealings of the Almighty with my unworthy self TO give a formal Account of my Life would be tedious though I may safely say in every year sinee I can remember I have been inricht with so many and such remarkable Experiences as may make some rather admire than believe them And first when I was a School-Boy at Malden in Essex I began to be rouzed by two Men Mr. Will. Fenner and Mr. Stephen Marshall about the tenth year of my Age for before that I was I know not what though I was kept to read every day was Catechised with other good Orders But then hearing Mr. Fenner full of Zeal and seeing him thundering about and beating the Pulpit I was amazed and thought he was mad wondring what he meant Now whilst I was gazing upon him I was suddenly struck and perceived it was we that were mad which made him seem to be so Oh! says he You knotty rugged proud pieces of flesh you stony rocky flinty hard hearts what will you do when you are roaring in Hell among the damned c This made me at first astonisht and run so often in my mind afterward that I began to be troubled scared and affrighted and for fear of going to Hell I fell to praying hearing Sermons reading the Scriptures morning and evening though I understood little but only thought the bare reading sufficient I learnt to pray first out of Books and got all the Graces so called by heart and after Family-Prayers I was every night afraid the Devil would carry me away to Hell if I did not say my prayers Our Father c. and I believe in God c. with the Ten Commandments and my little Catechism of Dr. Hall's which I had learnt And this I did duly every night before I durst sleep which I thought a sufficient defence to preserve me from the Devil 's tearing me in pieces before morning Yet sometimes when I was sleepy to make more haste I would say some of them in the Chimney-corner whilst I was undressing me thinking all was well enough so it were but done Yea when I was extreamly surprized with fear of the Devil being apt to fancy any thing to be him I often said all my Prayers and Commandments twice over suspecting I had not said them well enough or had for haste left out some of them and the like and thus as the Apostle says When I was a Child I did childish things and thought all this was very well and oft-times I would get one of my Play-fellows to walk alone with me and would tell him of Sin and Hell and such matters for they ran always in my mind and I was in a desperate fear At length going to hear Mr. Marshall whilst I was nodding and almost asleep his powerful voice awakened me thundring in my Ears the dreadful danger of such as were drowsie and slept and slumbred away their Salvation which I thought was spoken directly to me and had such prevalency upon me that I started up with an aking heart being much terrified at his words which he still pursued and wounded me to the heart when he told us That when time was past it could never be recalled again and that there was no other way but to double our diligence and redeem the time we had lost by making more haste and taking more care and pains or else we should be utâ—erly lost and undone This touched me sufficiently so that I could not forbear weeping extreamly After Sermon I went home and sitting alone I fell to crying and complaining that I had lost my time taking up a resolution never to sleep at Church again and I think I have kept that solemn Covenant to this very day After this I was not content with my former customary duties for now I must double them and do more than before wherefore I resolved to write down the Sermons I heard as well as I could but having little skill to write fast or orderly I ever observed the Doctrines Reasons and Heads of the Uses which I got by heart repeating the morning Sermon at noon and the evening Sermon at night so that I could the readilier answer my Father when he examined me and then I learnt out of a Book a prayer for morning and another for evening This course I continued for nine or ten years together so that at length I attained to repeat to my self the substance of some Sermons which I had heard seven or eight years before and the Lord led me on in this orderly way I know not how without the advice or direction of any person upon Earth whereby I hoped to work out my Salvation and redeem my time But this I must say from this Form I learnt much of God and Goodness and what I did at first for fear of Hell at last I performed out of love to Heaven yea out of love to God and Christ as if it were without â—eaven I used this method some years after I came to the University of Cambridg whereby I was enabled to Recollect several Mens Sermons 10 years after they were Preached and likewise with Gods assistance to Preach my self at 18. or 19. years of age to the great wonder of many Thus you hear how formal I was and I must needs confess it was more out of fear than love that I maintain'd this strictness in the duties of Religion But not long after I was further awakened by my own Father Mr. N. R. Minister in Essex who preaching upon the Good Samaritan and shewing Christs Compassion to wounded Souls he in reproof of Sinners declared That they were more guilty than the hardhearted Jews that they Crucifie Christ afresh and have no Compassion on him now he is in Glory but Spit on him and make him Suffer and that his blood would rise up in Judgment against them for if Abels a meer mans did so much more his and if David prayed to be delivered from blood guiltiness how ought we to beg of God to be freed from being guilty of the precious blood of the Son of God and Saviour of the World This he Preached and pressed so powerfully that I was thrown into a trembling as lying under the guilt of Christs blood and was long perplext with the horror thereof One Remarkable Passage I must never forget which happened in my Youth that being one time playing and running about my Father's house with my other Companions I know not upon what occaon I uttered vain words crying O Lord which we were not suffered to do whereupon my heart was instantly smitten and I was suddenly set a running by I know not what Power or Spirit as if I had been possest and could not possibly stay my self till I was carried with much violence to a little gate way where to my apprehension I perceived as plainly as ere I saw any thing by the Sun-shine a naked Sword
my heart and my portion for ever He had rather be gracious than great and had rather be the holiest man upon Earth than the most learned the most famous or the most prosperous His Joys are changed he now rejoyceth in the ways of Gods Testimonies more than in all Riches He delights in the Law of the Lord of which he formerly had little Savour He hath no such joy as in the thoughts of Christ and fruition of his company forever His cares and fears are altered he was once careful about the things of this life but now his great solicitude is how to secure his Soul and everlasting concerns He used to fear nothing so much as the loss of his Estate Reputation Friends or Pleasures Nothing sounded so terrible to him as pain poverty or disgrace Now these are little to him in comparison with the dishonour and displeasure of God It pierces his heart to think of losing Gods favour or of being parted from his blessed Saviour His love runs a new course and he like the ancient Father can scarce find words sweet enough to express his affections to his well beloved Jesus Let me see thee O Light of mine eyes Come O thou joy of my Spirit Let me behold thee O the gladness of my heart Let me love thee O Light of my Soul Appear unto me O my ahief delight my sweet Comforter O my God my Life the whole glory of my Soul Let me find thee O Desire of my heart Let me hold thee O Love of my Soul Let me imbrace thee and possess thee O heavenly Bridegroom His Sorrows have now a Vent by the veiw of his Sins the sight of a Crucified Christ which did scarce move him before how much doth it affect his heart His hatred boils his anger burns agatnst sin all the faculties and members of his Soul and Body that were formerly instruments of sin are now become the holy Vtensils of Christs living Temple That eye which was once wandring wanton haughty and covetous is now imployed as Marys weeping over his sins in beholding God in his works in reading his word in searching for Objects of Charity and Mercy and seeking all opportunities to do him servsce That ear that was opened to Satan's call and like a vitiated appetite relished nothing better than filthy or at least srothy unprofitable discourse and the laughter of Fools is now boared to hear the sweet voice of Jesus and is open to his Teachings it now says Speak Lord for thy Servant heareth and waits for his word as the rain which is sweeter to him than the honey and the honey comb or his appointed food That head which was filled with carnal contrivances and designs is now imployed in matters of greater concern and studies how it may perform the will of God His thoughts are now more intent about his duty than his gain and his principal business is how he may please God and avoid Sin His heart which was full of pollution and defilement is now become an Altar of divine Incense where the fire of Celestial Love is continually burning and from whence the dayly Sacrifice of Prayer and Praise and the sweet perfume of holy Desires Ejaculations and Soliloquies are constantly ascending His mouth is become a well spring of Life his tongue is as choice Silver his lips feed many Now the Salt of heavenly Grace hath seasoned his speech and purged out all its corruption Hath cleansed it from its former filthy tommunication flatery boasting railing lying swearing backbiting which once issued out like flashes of infernal fire from the Hell that was in his heart His throat that was once an open Sepulchre now sends forth the sweet breath of Prayer and holy Discourse and the man speaks in another Tongue even the language of Canaan and is never so well pleased as when talking of God Christ and the glorious things of another world His mouth bringeth forth Wisdom and his tongue is become the Silver Trumpet of his Makers Praise and Glory To conlude his Conversation is in Heaven and the New Man takes a new course in his life and practice when God hath given him the new heart and writ his Law in his mind he forthwith walks in his Statutes and keeps his Judgments and though sin like a wearisome and unwelcome guest God knows dwells in him yet it hath no more dominion over him He hath his fruit unto holiness and though he hath many a fall yet the Law and Life of Jesus is his Rule and he hath an unfeigned respect to all Gods Commandments and keepeth a good conscience willing in all things to live honestly and without offence towards God and Men. In such a state as this no doubt were those eminent Christians who made the following solemn Declarations of the gracious Experiences which they had of the exceeding love favour of God to their Souls in supporting them under their doubts and difficulties and afterwards confirming their minds in the good ways of the Lord. They had found the Lord to be merciful and full of goodness compassion and truth and therefore thought that they ought with their mouths to shew forth his Praise both to stir up thers to joyn with them therein and likewise to incourage poor distressed disconsolate Christians to put their trust in the Almighty since if they persevere sincerely in seeking his face he will certainly at length discover himself unto them and fill their hearts with joy and gladness And it maybe reasonably hoped that these heavenly Experiences will be very effectual and conducive thereunto since they confist of such variety of Tryals Temptations and Exercises of Spirit that we can scarce suppose but the most disquieted despairing Soul may here meet with Cases as dark and comfortless as his own and and likewise find what a good end the Lord in his due time brought all the troubles of his afflicted Children unto And for this purpose no doubt they were first Collected and Published some years since by divers Faithful and Pious Ministers of the Gospel in and about London and though they have omitted the Names of the Persons because no glorying should appear therein yet they were then known to be Christians who had truly tasted seen that the Lord was gracious Now that the God of all Peace and Consolation may give his blessing hereunto is the hearty and earnest Prayer and desire of him who is A wellwisher to the Souls of Men. W. D. Mercy Triumphant in the Conversion of Sinners to God Discovered in the Remarkable and Gracious Experiences of several Eminent Christians 1. Experiences of Mr. J. R. Minister of the Gospel BEfore I give an account of my own Experiences I shall briefly discover the Duty and usefulness of communicating Christian Experiences 1. It is a Duty because it hath been the practice of the People of God in former Ages When our blessed Saviour had cleansed the Leper Matth. 8.4 he bid him Go and shew
it for a Testimony and Matth. 28.7 the Angels by Mary Magdalen Go quickly and tell the Disciples that Christ whom they sought was risen and verse 10. Christ meeting with the two Marys renews the Precept Go tell my Brethren c. For now ye know it and have seen me and can assuredly say that I am risen And in Joel 1.3 Tell your Children and let your Children tell their Children and their Children another Generation And this is observed by the Jews at this day out of Deut. 6.7 And to add more Solemnity to the commemoration of God's Law and their deliverance from Egypt they write it down in a piece of Parchment and then rolling it up superscribe it To the Lord and fasten it to the Wall or the Post of the Door on the right hand of the Entrance and as often as they go in and out they touch and kiss it with great affection and devotion This also is commanded Psal 34.8 Come taste and see that the Lord is good and 1 Thes 5.11 Comfort your selves together and edifie one another even as also ye do And what is more excellent for edification and consolation than to tell what God hath done for our Souls whereby many who have met with the like may be confirmed and comforted David in Psal 16 crys out I will tell of all thy wondrous works and Psal 66.19 Come and hear says he all ye that sear the Lord and I will declare what he hath done for my Soul and verse 19. Verily God hath heard me and hath not turned away his mercy from me And Psal 18.30 The way of God is perfect saith David How knowest thou this David Oh! says he I have tryed it The Word of the Lord is tryed I can tell it by experience and I know that he is a Buckler to all that trust in him And Psal 51. He promises that as soon as his broken bones were healed and the joy of his Salvation was restored to him he would presently preach it and teach transgressors God's ways and sinners should be converted unto him He would give sinners warning of sin and uncleanness and tell them what it was to lie in hellish horrours to have a wounded Spirit an accusing Conscience and the Indignaton of an angry frowning God Thus also the Apostle speaks 2 Cor. 5.11 Knowing the terrour of the Lord we perswade men We tell them the sad condition they are in now we are delivered out of it on purpose to perswâ—de them to believe in God to get out of their carnal state and to tast and see the mercy grace and love of God in Christ in the Gospel and as the Apostle Peter says 1 Pet. 2.3 If so be ye have tasted how gracious the Lord is O then you will say It is good it is sweet and will incourage others to come and be made partakers thereof 2. As this is a Duty and hath been the practice of Primitive Times so it is very useful and necessary for several Reasons 1. It is a bearing the best outward Testimony to God and his Attributes that can be when we can say by experience that God is gracious loving slow to anger ready to forgive that he is true and faithful for we have tryed him and therefore know it and the want of this makes us so often question his care truth mercy and love to us in times of Tryal 2. It is necessary to communicate Experiences thereby to discover those that are sound Christians and sincere Believers as far as may be judged by outward appearance conversation and communication 3. It may be useful to prevent us from censuring or having hard thoughts of those who are under spiritual Agonies Afflictions and Temptations all which our blessed Redeemer himself suffered that he might be able to succour them that are tempted Heb. 2.18 So that when we see poor Souls set on the wrack and roaring under torments and crying out Oh! they are damned undone forsaken of God c. Yet we ought not to condemn them for even then they may be the dear Children of God and may pass a wrong Sentence upon themselves so long as they lie in despair and under the sense of their own ruinous condition till they find help and salvation in Jesus Christ of which you may find divers Instances in the following Experiences 4. By these Experiences we may learn how various the Lord is in his ways and workings as the Apostle says Heb. 1.1 God who at sundry times and in divers manners spake to the Fathers by the Prophets c. To some he comes in one way like a Lion and to some in another like a Lamb to some by sickness to others by crosses and losses to some by Sermons and to others by Reading the Scriptures Christian Converse and the like Again to some the Lord discovers himself in an extraordinary way as in Dream Trance Voice or Vision but neither these nor the ordinary manifestations of God's Love are to be regarded unless they are confirmed by the Scriptures and the Promises therein and unless they also make the person more holy humble and mean in his own Eyes and more to admire the Free Grace of God to him a poor unworthy sinner and the Lord knows what means is most proper for that which will work upon one man may have no operation upon another 5. Experiences do oblige and allure Christians exceedingly to rely upon God and to believe in him For as David says Psal 22.1 2. I cry I roar night and day for deliverance but what Argument doth he use see verse 4 5. Our Fathers trusted in thee they trusted and thou didst deliver them they cryed unto thee and were delivered they trusted in thee and were not confounded Therefore deliver me too for I trust in thee So Psal 31.24 Be of good courage and he shall strengthen your heart all ye that hope in the Lord even as he hath strengthened my heart and heard my voice and crys as in the verses before so he will yours O all ye Saints Thus the Woman of Samaria John 4.28 29. ran into the City and declared her Experiences of the Messiah that was come and how he told her all things c. And observe how this weak means wrought upon many for verse 29. it is said That many of the Samaritans believed in him because of the saying of the poor Woman And thus Junius professeth that the very first thing which converted him him from Atheism and made him believe in God was a Conference with a poor Country-man near Florence in Italy There are many other benefits that arise from Christians communicating their Experiences of the favour love and goodness of God towards them some being informed others confuted others comforted and confirmed in the good ways of the Lord so that it is to be wisht that this Christian duty were more practised whereby others might be incouraged to trust in God by hearing what he hath done for our
am guilty before Gods justice in my self both by original sin which came by the fall of Adam and much more by those many actual sins which I have personally committed but I am justified by Christ 14. I desire to shew my dutiful love in obedience to my Fathers commands and my affections according to the rule of the Gospel to Christ my Husband with whom I am spiritually marryed 15. The Lord saith Come out from amongst them all ye my people and be ye separated and touch no unclean thing and I will be your God and ye shall be my people And if I regard iniquity in my heart the Lord will not hear my prayers I take God to witness who knows the secrets of all hearts that I desire to joyn in duties not to the end that others should have a good opinion of me I know I must leave all worldly relations how soon I know not but herein I shall have peace that I do as my Father hath commanded me and I rejoyce in Christ Jesus putting no confidence in the flesh but only in the merits of my Saviour M. M. XXVI Experiences of H. W. WHen my God appeared through his grace to shine by his sacred Spirit into my dark Soul my thoughts were much taken up in consâ—deration of my sad and deplorable condition under â—â—e curse by nature yet so that I did withal see enough in Christ to deliver me from all if I did attain to a true belief But my perplexed Soul drank deep of the bitter dreggs of a sorrowful cup before I could tast of the sweet cordials my blessed Saviour had prepared for me wherewith I have since been often refreshed My conscience told me that if I ever expected deliverance from sin death and hell and to have favour with God I must devote my heart to him alone But yet I found the love of some worldly vanities rooted so fast in my affections that I did often put God off and had an eye to some worldly contents which deprived me for that time of enjoying peace in his presence I often said Lord such a day I will leave all and never seek my self but thy glory in all things and then again Lord after such a merry meeting then I will shake hands with all temporal delights and again now Lord once more I will have but one day of pleasure and then I will part with all that offends thee and not seek after any thing out of thee more But for a time all this proved but unfaithfulness to my Saviour and wounds to my own Spirit the sense whereof did sadly terrifie my conscience My Soul was much cast down and I sat up a great part of many nights when all the Family where I then lived was in bed and with an heavy heart and floods of tears gushing from my sorrowful eyes I was exceedingly disquieted pouring forth mine heart to my God and begging mercy at the footstool of the Throne of grace And that which was the greatest horror upon my Spirit was that I could not manifest my believing by a pious spiritual conversation in a faithful obedience according to the sacred rule of the Gospel When I have had resolutions for worldly pleasures to satisfie the desires of nature it hath taken away the comfort of my heart from spiritual duties in the interim But I found in my Soul a great conffict in wrastling against those sad temptations my conscience convincing me how great an enemy I was to my Soul therein and testifying that it would be infinitely better to leave all the vain things of the world than to live without the love of my Saviour But when my God was pleased to bring my heart to a frame to resolve seriously never to delay with God a moment more my heart was so fixed on my Saviour that I saw a sufficiency in him under any dispensation I tasted a greater sweetness in the graces of his Spirit than in any temporal pleasure And I found much of the love grace spirit and power of my dear Saviour appearing to refresh my troubled Soul And I have found much comfort from divers promises of the Lord and particularly Isa 49.8 8. I will preserve thee and give thee for a Covenant of the people to establish the earth and to cause to inherit the desolate heritages That thou mayest say to the Prisoners go forth to them that are in darkness shew your selves Though I was before a Prisoner to worldly vanities and shut up in darkness yet Christ being sent to declare the Covenant to such I found good warrant to apply it to my self Ezek. 34.22 Therefore will I save my flock and they shall be no more a prey This Salvation I applyed as promised to me considering that though I was a sinful man yet it was my comfort that the Lord was my God vers 31. And ye my flock the flock of my pasture are men and I am your God Mat. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled God having given me an heart to hunger and thirst after my Saviour and my God above all things I believe this promise was made to me with many more which gave much sweet comfort and consolation to my Soul And being justified by faith I have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ the testimony of which faith is sealed to my Soul by his blessed Spirit in these Demonstrations 1. I find many evident testimonies of the love of God to me which hath drawn forth my Soul to an high esteem of him and to love him above all things 2. I see nothing but sin in my self and my trust is in my Saviours merits for justification 3. I feel glorious refreshments from the heavenly gales of Gods blessed Spirit breathing his grace into my Soul which is the highest bliss I can desire on this side Heaven 4. I find much comfort from the Word and Ordinances 5. My chief desire in all thsngs is to glorifie God 6. I find a very great affection in my heart to the people of God or any that I judge so to be 7. I desire to be at peace with and do all the good I can to all especially those of the houshold of Faith 8. I can heartily beg of the Lord to give me deliverance from and strength against every sin though never so pleasing to my nature or which I am most prone to 9. I find no such full joy in any thing as I do in communion with my God 10. I see a purity and glory in the ways of God and Gospel-duties above all things 11. I desire no longer to live than to glorifie God 12. All the days of my appointed time I wait till my change shall come H. W. XXVII Experiences of D. R. IT hath pleased the Lord ever since I knew a difference between good and evil to give me a heart to seek after those things which savoured most of God And it was
my delight always to frequent the society of those whom I thought were truly godly And upon this account I thought my self to be something when being seriously weighed I became nothing for I knew God but as a natural man doth even by way of discourse I being as I conceive since much in the posture of the proud Pharisee I could say I thank God I was not such a person as was given to lewdness or vice as others were And being thus in my natural condition I thought I had need of nothing when I was as the Church of the Laodiceans wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked and that which was worst I knew not that I was thus in ignorance walking in darkness till the Lord brought me forth into the light First By convincing me of sin Secondly Convincing me of righteousness The first was according to my remembrance about seven or eight years since I being in discourse with a friend concerning something which did much displease me wherein my answering was very cross and my words very full of anger I began to espy my self full of malice and envy which did much reflect upon my own heart and caused a wonderful grief unto me and having never taken notice of any such thing before it was so much the more strange to me but calling my self to a strict examination what foundation I had laid when the Building began to prove so rotten it pleased the Lotd that thereby I grew more and more sensible of my own miserable condition as being in the state of nature a child of wrath finding my self a lump of sin and uncleanness and at a far distance from the ways of God and to be in probability of nothing so much as of damnation and ready to be cast into Hell for my sins finding my self out of Christ and not any hope that I should ever gain an interest in him for I saw that without Faith it was impossible to please him and that without Faith I could not think of any way to please him being lost in false ways of my own invention And considering also that Paul counsels the Corinthians to examine them selves whether they were in the faith and saith he Know ye not your own selves whether Jesus Christ is in you except ye be Reprobates and following this course I could not otherwise judge but that I was a Reprobate and this condition was very burthensom unto my spirit and neither in hearing or reading could I for the time find any ease of this my trouble but still I did apprehend the Lord as an angry Judge requiring satisfaction of me for my sins Thus I languished not knowing which way to steer my thoughts but oftentimes crying out to the throne of grace what shall I do to be saved Sometimes I should perswade my self it was altogether impossible for me to think of being saved or ever to gain so much faith as to believe that Christ dyed for my sins for I thought it would be a very great presumption in me to attempt any such thing having often had thoughts of destroying my self It is my desire that I may never forget the providence of God in keeping me from all dangers in this my extream doubtful condition wherein I made not any one acquainted with my trouble but the Lord whose work it was to deliver me In this my spiritual bondage when I have heard godly men incouraging poor Souls to believe in Christ I have thought that others might but I durst not presume because I was no better qualified for if I could find my self more holy or more godly or fuller of goodness then there would be some hope that I might believe and hope for the favour of God and that Christ dyed for me But afterwards God put into my heart to consider that seeing By the deeds of the Law no flesh can be justified for I thought before I must have done something that should have proved meritorious and beginning to be acquainted with an emptiness in my self and an inability of my own to do any good and find that it must be given me from the Lord Christ being all in all to the Saints Upon this consideration I cast my self upon God saying Lord I am thy workmanship do with me what seemeth good unto thee If thou dost damn me I have deserved the severest of thy judgments thou art just although I am for ever justly miserable And one day reading of Mr. Perkins his Book treating of the smallest degree of saving-faith which did express that a desire to believe was faith it self I was something comforted to hear of this knowing that none could more desire it than I did and upon this a while I rested satisfied But not long after I found it a reed whereon I had leaned and grew again very restless and was beat off from this stay by having the opportunity of another Book which made me to understand that the poor man knew full well that a desire to be rich and to be rich indeed were two several things And so a desire to believe and faith it self was not the same For as all that desire to be rich are not rich so all that desire to believe do not believe Being thus drove from my other principle I began to see a more emptiness in the creature and a greater fulness in the Creatour And this last book by the blessing of God through his grace did inform my judgment in many things which were very comfortable to me As that the love of God was the cause Christ was given for sinners and that he became a full satisfaction to God for sins and if we staid from Christ till we were full of good works it might be a symptom we should never believe For it shewed that we must be ingrafted into Christ by faith before we could bring forth good fruits for without me ye can do nothing saith Christ And whatsoever is not of faith is sin These and many such like expressions in the Scripture which God put into my mind were very comfortable to the refreshing of my dull and weary spirit many times but yet fears in intervals possessed me as not finding Christ to be made mine by Faith For I could not say in particular that God was my God nor see that there was a reconcilement made between God and my Soul Sometimes I would perswade my heart to venture to believe in Christ for the pardon of my sins But presently objections would thwart my resolutions by concluding that I was too great a sinner And it was not absolutely said that Christ dyed for me In this condition I was for about four years before I did thoroughly apprehend the love of God in Christ Jesus unto me Yet the Lord was pleased at last to work effectually upon me by many sweet promises out of his Word which did wonderfully rejoyce my Soul As John 13.15 16. Whosoever believeth in the Son shall not perish but have
feeling what until then I was ignorant of and the blackness of my spirit was such with the burden of my troubled and afflicted soul that I could not at that time take comfort in any thing and had I not been with child affected with natural inclination to the Babe in my womb I had been in danger had not God prevented me to have destroyed my self for I had some temptations that way but my God strengthened me yet before I was brought to bed I found peace and comfort and through grace had such settlement in my spirit that I could with joy night and day call upon my God believingly but before I attained to this I had many sore conflicts until after some considerations that the Lord had put into my mind as first touching the child that I went with because God hath said The just and innocent slay thou not and then considering the innocency of the child it became a means to stay my hand from laying violence upon my self Yet for a time I was much troubled in spirit till God gave me peace from these and other Scripture promises where the Lord saith Call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver thee thou shalt â—lorify me Psal 50.15 Sin shall not have dominion 〈◊〉 you for ye are not under the Law but under grace Rom. 6.14 Now the testimonies of my conversion and true believing in which I hope I have a seal of my Interest in the Lord Iesus are these 1. My love to God which is real sincere and hearty desiring him above any thing else whatsoever 2. My relying upon Jesus Christ having nothing of my own to rest upon I fly to him and rest on him for all as my alone Saviour and Redeemer 3. I delight to read the holy Word of God and to hear or otherwise to partake thereof in which I find much comfort 4. The comfort which I find by inlargement of my soul when God comes in under the means in dutys and the loathnesse I have to be deprived of the Ordinances 5. The Peace I find with my God in my soul which is sweet though not without much heaviness of spirit for my failings I do not live without waines and changes in my Spiritual life and faith towards the Lord for sometimes I trust God with all and at other times I meet with some doubtings yet blessed be God I find them more and more asswaged and my communion with Christ every day more sweet and full 6. I doubt not but the Lord Jesus Christ my Redeemer will so support me through his Grace that what ever my condition hath been or shall be here I shall not fail of salvation through Christ in heaven for ever L. P. XXXV Experiences of F. P. I Have been troubled at the thoughts of my corruptions and wretched condition I have formerly had some doubtings touchings the Scriptures whether they were truth or not but have been since troubled that I made those foolish doubtings to question Gods word and was so wounded in my Conscience for my sin therein that I feared I should be damned for it because I thought it was a sin that God would not pardon I had also strange thoughts about the sinful wayes of ungodly people and considering how loosely people live I and temptations to perswade me that surely there was some easier way to Heaven then the Scriptures had laid down or then I had learnt But for these evil thoughts of mine I have been so afflicted in my spirit that I thought I was a damned wretch I have been tempted by these blasphemous thoughts against the Lord which have so afflicted me that somtimes I feared the Devil would fetch me away and carry me to Hell and I have thought sometimes that surely God could not in justice pardon such sinnes as I have committed I have also been tempted to make away my self but the Lord God put me in mind to consider that it would not give me ease or comfort but be the way to enter into endless miseries And thus I lay afflicted with a most sad trouble some spirit for about a year yet though with little hope from my present sence I had desires that God would save me and some groanings I had after him And in his time which is best I began to find inlargement of heart from God and a great longing for Christ which encreased through the working of his glorious power so that me thought I could have been content to have gone through all the miseries in the World to have enjoyed him And in my sleep I dreamed that I saw my Saviour lying in a Grave and after again I saw him risen from death when I awaked and had some thoughts about my dream I found comfort in my soul and begun more sweetly to hope that Christ Jesus dyed for my sins and is risen again for my justification but the Devil who goes about like a roaring Lyon did still tempt me so that I was again ready to despair for my former evil thoughts and I was afraid that Satan would have me and I doubted that God had no part in me which caused me to weep much and I was exceedingly troubled and sometimes thought that verily I heard the Devil coming in a Whirlwind for me and so terrified was my conscience that from the thoughts of the wrath which I feared I could have wished my self a Beast a Dog or any thing because their misery would have an end But after many comfortable discourses with friends and reading some godly books that came to my hands the Lord God in time delivered me from those temptations and hath since comforted me with these Promises to the great joy of my heart though some times I have not been without some doubtings The Lord hath said Be content with such things as ye have for he hath said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee so that I may boldly say the Lord is my helper Heb. 13.5 6. The Lord saith sin shall not have dominion over you Rom. 6.14 This hath often given me much comfort and kept up my soul when I have been ready to despair And Christ saith I will pray the Father and he shall give you another comforter that he may abide with you for ever even the Spirit of truth John 14.16 17. And I have this testimony of my interest in Christ by faith wrought by his blesstd Spirit in me 1 I see such a frailty in my flesh that except the Lord send his holy Spirit to inable me I cannot do any thing of my duty to God of my self it is the Spirit of the Lord and not any thing in me that is the foundation of my comfort 2. I have had many times if my heart deceive me not clear testimonies and evidences that I love God more than any thing else and desire him above all 3. I desire much to hear the Word and am troubled that sometimes it doth not so
glittering with a sharp edge which took up the whole space of the Gate from one Post to the other with a broad blade most keen and cruel at which sad sight being almost distracted With fear I shriekt out yet had not the least power to stop but was forcibly carried toward it so that the edge of the threatning blade meeting with my Body it seemed to me impossible that I should escape death and I made no other account but to be quite off and parted asunder but afterwards being hurried through with that irresistible force I had strength to stay a little beyond it and to contemplate the desperate peril that I was in I stood as one amazed and scarce knew whether I were alive or dead yea I could hardly believe my self to be any thing but a dead man or at least mortally and deadly wounded if not wofully and deplorably cut in twain Oh! how I stood trembling and turmoiled in my thoughts until after some time the Vital blood which was retired for the hearts defence began to disperse and circulate in its former course and then I lookt about and turned to the gate way but the appearance was passed away the Sword gone and vanisht whilst I was left alone the rest running away in a Labarynth of fears griefs and doubts free from an wound without but deeply and wofully wounded within and never since to the praise of Gods grace as I know of have I made such vain and irreverent mention of the name of the Lord. But good God! what was thy will herein Thou who art not tyed to means or order best orderest and disposest of all things for thine own design and glory and so this was I am sure but what it was I know not yet it left a lasting impression upon me and the Scar is still to be be seen in my heart though the wound be healed But alas how long and lamentably did I lye afflicted and in continual fears after this Every Thunder and Lightning I lookt upon as fatal to me and sent to destroy me and then I would fall to my prayers and saying my Creed and Commandments and to my Sermons as fast as I could that I might be found well doing at least if not as a Charm to preserve me or a challeng to God by virtue of them to keep and defend me And I remember it was a great comfort to me to consider that others did not do as I did but that they altogether flighted holiness prayer c. and lived wickedly and carnally in drunkeness disobedience Sabbath-breaking and other sins every day this I was so far from grieving at and weeping over that I in my heart rejoyced in it as having more hopes and fancying my self to be in a better condition than they and therefore should have more favour from the hand of God but all this while like an Israelite in Aegypt I work't for life and my Services were my Saviours and I would often take occasion to discourse with my Brothers Sisters and School-fellows about Heaven and Hell and what a hard thing it was to be saved Being at Malden in Essex some time after I had a certain Dream which seemed afterward fulfied It was about the time when the Spaniards and Hollanders had a Sea fight in the Downs which I hearing some talk of it filled me with fears and the following night I dreamed that I saw fire rained or rather powred down round about and looking where I was I thought my self to be without the Coach yard Gate of my Fathers house I was much affrighted to see nothing but fire on every side of me and looking upward and about me praying earnestly for Deliverance none came nigh me by a good space though flaming in all places else so that I could see none exempted wherefore being afflicted for my Father and our Family I fell on my knees to ask mercy for them and continued praying a long while before I could be heard but at last I thought I was bid to arise and look and then the Fire seemed not to fall so fast on my Fathers House as before but abated by little and little till I awaked Now though this Dream seized much upon my Spirits for the present yet I accounted it only a fancy till about six years after meeting with Dr. Draiton in the Isle of Ely and repeating it to him he declared to me that for several Reasons which he gave this must be more than a meer Dream or working of fancy and that something would happen which this did presignifie instancing in some of the like kind which himself his Wife and others had met with as warnings and predictions and therefore he wished me by no means to slight or contemn it because he was confident it did presage some fiery and angry Dispensation upon our Family and that my Father and the rest would fall under some trouble by the times or otherwise and my self should be free and at liberty to pray for them and that by degrees they should be brought out and the Fire abated this interpretation which he gave more fully was for the most part verified some years after But all this while I was labouring for Heaven in an exceeding formal way and did much covet to know the things of God and therefore often wisht that I were a Minister such a one as Mr. Fenner Mr. Marshall Mr. Hooker my Father or some other Eminent Preacher that so I might attain to their Knowledge and then I thought I should do more abundant Service for God as if the Lord were beholding to me for my obedience and should the more easily and surely obtain Salvation thus I poor Creature continued for several years together keeping many fast Days by my self Heard Read Sung Psalms Meditated used Soliloquies and prayed many times a day and what not and yet at last sunk into the depth of despair what by the often thoughts of Hell in reading Drexelius upon Eternity and then thinking of the Endless Easeless and Remediless Torments of the Damned what by frequent Frights as before and what by my Father once preaching on the Parallel of the Fool in the Gospel Luke 10.20 Thou Fool this Night will I take away thy Soul then whose shall these things be that thou hast provided From whence he discovered the unaccountable folly of Men to lay up the Trifles of this World and forget Heaven That Eternal Happiness is not to be obtained upon a Down Bed nor without much pains and care since our Blessed Lord tells us that many strive hard to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven and shall not be able and that Except our Righteousness exceed the Righteousness of the Scribes and Pharisees we shall in no case enter into the Kingdom of Heaven Matth. 5.20 what with these and other things I was almost thrown into the bottomless abyss of Desperation I took the Bible to look these Scriptures and read them over and over again but
few that saw me in those headlong distempers did think me at the best fit for any place but Bedlam or did believe I should ever be restored to what I am and this was also very strangely For as my distracted Fits abated they then turned more to inward Malady and Malancholy so that I continually cryed out I am Damn'd I am Damn'd I am sure I cannot be saved it is impossible Oh I have Hell Hell Fire about me the Devils are tearing me and I thought I heard the Damned roaring and raving and saw 〈◊〉 was it were Roasting and Frying in â—lasting Torments and my whole Soul was swallowed up with their Howlings and Screechings In this Deplorable condition I lay several days and nights untill at length I was fully perswaded and convinced that there was a God that this God was Righteous and that he would hear my Prayers if I continued calling upon him and crying to him with Importunity without ceasing seeing the unjust Judge that we read of in Scripture was prevailed upon by the Importunities of the poor Widdow Hereupon having gathered together those scattered Relicks of Reason that were left me I took up a Resolution that I would continue in Prayer and so I did though by fits I was froward and mute and mild and I know not how sometimes scarce eating a bit of Bread in five days together after which I was in another form and frame of spirit though by turns full of Distraction and Desperate thoughts I grew more Serious and began to weigh things as in a Ballance and to Expostulate with the Lord and to Pray by fits most furiously and now and then the Tears which were before dryed up began to Trickle and Rowl down my Face like swollen drops of Blood Thus I continued three or four days till one Afternoon coming into the Chamber my Heart being as big and full as it could hold I threw my self flat on my face as usually striking on the Boards and crying to the Lord for Deliverance and using such extravagant Expressions as might discover that I was in Despair then standing up I walked a turn or two saying is there not a God Is he Gracious Are the Scriptures false Canst thou take delight to see a poor Soul thus set on the Rack Sighing and Roaring in Torment Rise up and appear for thy self thou Great God shew thy self Gracious in one Act of Mercy in despight of all the Devils in Hell Then beating my Breast and tearing my Hair I threw my self on the Bed whilst my Eyes were glazed and brim full with Tears There I lay till a suddain sleep seized upon me and I dreamed of the same Scripture that had been a killing Letter to me which now through the Spirit of Christ quickned me whereby I was made sensible that Christs Righteousness being by Faith made mine did exceed the Righteousness of the Scribes and Pharisees and that except I in and by the Righteousness of Christ made mine did excell their Righteousness I could not be Saved When I awaked I was so much changed that I was amazed at my self at the suddenness of it for I dreamt I was comforted and that my Heart was filled with Joy and when I awaked it was so indeed I started up and rebuked my self saying why am not I damned VVhat 's the matter VVhy am I so filled with a fancy and with a suddain hope of I know not what nor whence I then fell to pray and whilst I was praying I said Lord is this true Say Lord is it true If it be so discover it to me confirm me in it at length I was perswaded that the Righteousness of Christ was mine that this Garment was provided for such poor naked torn Creatures as I was whereupon I took the Bible and found several Scriptures which seemed to confirm the same to me and I was fflled with Divine infusions and immediate Resolutions agreeable to the will of God given out there and then I began to breath upon it and pause a little and by degrees to revive and look up with some hope till the Lord satisfied me by revealing to my Heart that Christ's Righteousness was my only Justification and that therein I did exceed all Pharisaical Righteousâ—ess whereby I had comfortable hopes of Salvation in and through Jesus Christ from that very same Scripture which did before condemn me After this I began plainly to perceive why my my self and so many others were so long and lamentably lost in Despair that it was because we sought for Justification in a wrong place and were therefore in the wrong way to Salvation just as if a Man should dig in his Garden for a Mine of Gold no wonder that we lose our labour at last after Sweating Tears Prayers Cares Pains Fears and all seeing we look in a wrong place Thus was it with me all the while I was looking and poaring and perplexing my self for a Righteousness of my own and to seek in my self to exceed the Scribes and Pharisees Alas I was lost undone and could not find it nor see any door of Hope set open for my Soul till Christ in his Righteousness was Revealed in me and then I knew him to be a Saviour Well with this Joy I have continued to this Hour holding and keeping my ground against all Temptations with great numbers of which I have been Assaulted ever since and such as have been scarce heard of For after I had Solemnized and Celebrated my New Life begun in anothers Righteousness and another self by composing and singing of Psalms Hymns Spiritual Songs and continual open-hearted returns of Praises to my self whilst the Angels seemed to rejoyce with me yet Satan my constant and unwearied Enemy began now to muster up afresh more troubles against me and to follow me with an Host of Afflictions and Tryals as Pharaoh followed Israel with a purpose to destroy them when once out of his Territories but my God whom I unfeignedly serve from my Soul did deliver me does deliver me and I trust will deliver me as the Apostle says 1 Cor. 1. For though Satan laid many Snares and so beset me about that it seemed scarce possible I should escape yet the Lord set me at liberty from the Snares of the Fowler though sometimes so subtilly planted that I could not discern them and what he could not do by Insinuations and Subtilties and with inward Motions and Temptations he tryed to compass by Violence in Tormenting me and making me a miserable Object of Affliction and Sorrow For now my Friends became mine Enemies and my preciseness was an eyesore to many My near Relations cast me off and I was lookt upon as disobedient for keeping company with such Godly Men as were then called Puritans and Roundheads and for Praying and holding Communion with them though commanded to the contrary at length I found so little love from some and so much malice from others that I was turn'd out of Doors and was
was at a little stand at the first yet would not stoop under this Beam but stept aside and so passed away laying my Hand thereon as I stept by the side of it when suddenly I thought the House was all in a flame at which I was something troubled passing on the way and wondring in my self what this should be till I was overtaken by some rude Malicious Men who accused me for setting this House on Fire and would not hear me speak but were violently halling me away to Prison with which being sufficiently affrighted and my stesh set a Trembling I awaked and was offended with my self for being so much concerned at a foolish Dream and Fancy so it being yet dark I laid me down and fell asleep again and wast cast into the same Dream again exactly and at my Right Hand I thought there was a Grave Ancient Man full of white Hairs like Wool and a long white Beard who stood by me and said Chear up fear not for the Lord hath sent me to comfort thee and to tell thee that he hath chosen thee to Preach his Word and the Gospel of Christ which is the Staff thou hadst in thine Hand and with this Staff which is the Word of God thou shalt walk home to thy Fathers House in Heaven where is fullness of Joy but after a time thou wilt be troubled with the different opinions and ways of Men and seem at first to be at a loss yet the Lord will be thy Guide Go on and as thou goest forward the way of the Lord will still appear plainer before thine Eyes the footsteps thou sawest are the Examples of the Saints that have gone before you which will be a great help to you and you shall walk chearfully on in the way which is clear to you and shall see no other but yet you must meet with the fair House on the left Hand that is the Glory and Great ones of the World who make a great and fair shew to Men as if built High but they must fall and are only on the left Hand of you whilst you will Despise and Preach against them and turn your Eye forward to go in the way of God without turning about By the Beam that came out of this House is meant the Powers and Opinions of these who when you shall cross or step aside or will not stoop under them they are set on fire and inflamed on a sudden but be not troubled go forward although they send after you saying you have brought this fire upon them and though they falsly accuse you and seek to hawl you to Prison for this fact whereof you are altogether Innocent At which I awaked again it being about Day-break wondring with my self what it should mean and verily believing it to be more than ordinary and being filled with confidence and comfort I rose up and writ it down presently Next day I went away towards Huntington-Shire where I was accepted and entertained and had a comfortable Maintenance for several years But after all these Deliverances I Multiplyed abundantly in Gifts and Graces either to Pray Expound Read Sing Hymns and Spiritual Songs with the Spirit and Understanding and as Israel Exod. 1. the more he was Afflicted he Multiplyed the more so Blessed be the Lord I was the more filled with the Spirit endued with strength and grace and refreshed with Peace and Joy the more I had suffered so that all my troubles were through Grace but as Josephs step to Higher Enjoyments and finding the Lord so abundantly to endue me from above and to Qualifie me for the Call that I had before in the Night for the Ministry which I little thought or imagined could have come to pass my Friends having often resolved on the contrary and all things so fairly concurring I was much confirmed that the Lord had designed me thereunto and not long after I was by a Godly People earnestly importuned and at length grevailed with to Preach the Gospel and was soon known about the Country so although I have ever since met with several Afflictions Oppositions and Troubles yet many have given Testimony to the Word I have Preached in divers places the Lord be praised to the great refreshing of my Soul and toward the filling up of my Joy when I shall give an account to their comfort at the Great Day of the Lord. After this I was sent forth as a Pastor and publick Teacher by the Church and I know my Ministerial Commission and Authority to be from God and notwithstanding the divers Temptations I still meet with finding my Heart full of Corruption and my Life a continual Warfare yet I bless God who hath delivered me in divers ways which I have not here declared from the Fraudulent Gins and Snares of the Devil and who hath called me out of Darkness into Light that his power is stronger in me than any that hath been against me and I am the better provided against Satan because I now live by Faith in the Son of Goâ— above the Letter in the Life above the Form in the Power above self in an higher self where I have my aboad so that I am not I but by the Grace of God it is that I am what I am I have Provision within seeing Christ in me is the hope of Glory and I do certainly expect Salvation in Christ Jesus my Head my Lord my Elder Brother and the first Fruits of them that Rise again And although I meet with daily Tryals at Home and Abroad within and without yet I am all the time ascending to Heaven the same way that Christ my Redeemer went Who hath through the Vail Consecrated a New and living way for me into the Holy of Holies I can comfortably Drink aftet my Saviour out of his own Cup and in eating his Meat and drinking his Drink I can take Gall and Vinegar as well as Milk and Honey and I account the enjoyment of Christ to be the enjoyment of all the Excellencies and Happiness in Heaven and Earth nesther do I doubt but I shall appear perfect in his Righteousness being pardoned by his Death purged by his Blood Sanctified by his Spirit and Saved by his Power and to be Glorified as he is Glorified and see him as he is and whilst I Live and Breath I hope and Resolve to live to him and for him as well as by him and I shall not desire to live one minute longer than it may be for his Honour Glory and Service which I beseech the Lord of Heaven to make me fit for and faithful in and to prepare my Soul for that Glory which is to be Revealed J. R. II. Experiences of R. W. I will declare what the Lord hath done for me First in my Youth my Father being a Godly Man in Dublin in Ireland brought up his Children very Religiously but for my part though I were well Educated and Instructed yet I was very Disobedient being young and
in Prison I had dreadful apprehensions of Hell in my Soul and could do nothing but weep and mourn and pray counting my Life to be lost and yet I was more troubled for the wrath of God then the wrath of Man But at length it pleased God to give me comfort for one Night whilst I was bemoaning my self and in much Despair on a sudden the room was all in a flame and I thought my self in the midst of Lightning and being terrified I imagined I saw these words written against the Wall Thy sins are Pardoned and thy Life is hid with Christ in God This extraordinary Manifestation much eased the Trouble and Sorrow wherein I was but yet for want of Faith this comfort did not long continue with me for after that I thought I saw the Lord with such a wrathful countenance that I durst not look upon him and the next news that I heard was that I was ordered to be shot to Death Oh! then I cannot express the terrors that I was in my woful misery was such that neither Prayers reading of the Scriptures nor the pretious promises therein could afford me any Relief for I could not believe that I had any right to them and therefore could not lay hold of them In this dreadfull Distress I lay a condemned Man both in Soul and Body lamenting my wretched condition when opening the Bible in Joel 2.13 I saw it thus written Turn ye to the Lord God for he is Gracious and Merciful slow to Anger and of great Tenderness and Repenteth him of the Evil. Hereupon I pondered a while and said and is he such a God Well then he is my God and with that I gave my self up into his Hands resolving to relie upon him let him do what he would with me and on this Foundation I was Setled and satisfied A while after it pleased the Lord to deliver me out of the danger of Death and to set me at liberty from Prison but notwithstanding this great Mercy yet I must confess that I afterward found such opposition in my Heart against God as I could not believe had been in me I was grievously wounded for it and could have no quiet but went to Mr. W. and acquainted him with it who told me that I had fallen from my first Works and that I must Repent This rent my Heart and I had no Rest I returned from him and applyed to Prayer keeping that course continually till by degrees I was recovered out of that disconsolate condition and I praise God I have since found his favour and kindness extended toward me so that I am fully perswaded he loves me and will pardon my sins in Jesus Christ on whose Merits I relie in whose Righteousness I rest and by whose Grace I am now set free to serve him here and doubt not but to Reign with him hereafter F. B. V. Experiences of H. M. MY Father was a Gentleman of a fair Estate had many Children eleven Sons of us he was High Sheriff and when he dyed all our Family were broken dispersed and in confusion Two of us were brought up within five Miles of Glocester but I was placed an Apprentice in London and by this means my sorrows and troubles began to be great at first from the consideration of this suddain change which continued a while but about the 17th year of my Age my former grief was turned into another kind of Trouble namely Sorrow for my sins I was for three years together wounded with the sense of my sins and corruptions which were many I followed Sermons persuing the means was constant in Duties and Doing looking for Heaven that way I was very precise in outward formalities censuring all for Reprobates that wore their Hair long and not short above their Ears or that followed the common Modes and Fashions of those days Thus I continued Distracted in my Thoughts and wounded in my Conscience weeping often and bitterly and Praying earnestly but yet had no comfort till I heard that sweet Saint now in Heaven Dr. Sibbs by whose Means and Ministry I was brought to Peace and Joy in my Spirit his sweet Soul-melting Sermons won my Heart and Refreshed me much for by him I saw much of the goodness of God and had good Hope and Confidence in Christ Jesus and could overlook the World undervalue all Earthly things and was not afraid of Afflictions and though I was sometimes under the Spirit of Bondage again unto fear yet my Heart still held firm and my desires were all Heaven-ward I took delight to hear Funeral Sermons but Dr. Sibbs chiefly by whom I was effectually wrought upon and Satisfied with Comforts which I hope will never leave me till I come to Everlasting Rest H. M. VI. Experiences of Mr. T. H. Minister of the Gospel I was but young when I first came under Convictions of Soul and my Heart being warmed by a zealous Ministry which put me much upon Duty I used to read the Scriptures every Night and to Repeat Sermons often and so I spent the first Scene of my Youth till I was sent by my Friends to London where I lived a year or two during that time as often as I saw any Minister I could not but weep and always wisht that I might be one my self to be able to Preach too after this I was sent to one of the Universities in England but being wild with youthful company was removed to the Colledge of Dublin where I continued till the horrid Popish Rebellion broke out in 1641. At which time I left it and went to Liverpool in Lancashire where I Preached some years yet all this while I was but formal and as the young Man in the Gospel said he had kept all these things from his Youth so I was from from my youth Religious well given loving the means and following them hearing Sermons and seeking to serve God But alas I was yet all this while in Darkness and did not know it but afterwards I saw that I was blind and carnal For I began to be in great Doubts and Troubles and very much clouded in my Spirit and was exceedingly tyed and bound up for a time under the Sense of my formal Holiness and sins but the Lord was pleased to give me light Once as I was walking sadly alone upon the Mountains it pleased the Lord so to influence me by his Spirit which seemed to be immediately poured out upon me that my Soul was satisfied in Jesus Christ and my Heart was filled with Heavenly Joy and Peace and with most Ravishing contemplations which continued without a cloud for several weeks together and gave me assured Hopes of the Love of God and ever since I have lived in the Righteousness of the Lord Jesus Christ and though I have met with many storms and clouds yet they have all passed away and cannot hinder me from Salvation so long as Christ who is my Lord and Saviour is above them and I doubt not
known more This Dream had such an effect and influence upon me that I could not rest till I had declared it and now I find my Heart ever since taken off from Sin and the Lusts of the World and have experienced so great a change in being called home to God as I am not able to express it in words and am now desirous to please God and to walk in his ways having been long before wrought upon by the Word Preached and by Prayer and now have given my self up to God in whose Mercy alone through the Merits of Jesus Christ I expect Joy and Peace here and Eternal Happiness hereafter J. C. IX Experiences of Mr. J.B. Preacher of the Gospel AS to my Life and Experiences I must declare That when I was but a little one God began to work upon me for going to School I once happened to Swear an Oath as I was playing with my Companions which I had no sooner uttered but I was instantly struck with horror for it and the sence thereof was so terrible that I doubted I should be presently thrown into Hell for it In which Fear and great trouble I left my School Fellows playing the Sorrow and Misery I thought I was in would not permit me to stay any longer Away I went into the Church Porch not far off and sitting down alone for some time wept bitterly to my self But at length I know not how I began to have some hopes of Pardon and thereupon grew chearful and fearless till a while after I went to see some Malefactors Executed For after I came home the sight of their Deaths ran so much in my Mind and appeared so continually before my Eyes that my sias and the horrors of Hell came fresh upon me again so that I was exceedingly cast down and cryod out Oh! What shall I do How shall I be Saved Which I had often in my mouth and in the hearing of my Friends In this condition I could take no comfort from them till the Lord himself brought me out of it and inclined me to give up my self to Jesus Christ by the Life of Faith which I now live Notwithstanding which I was under several Temptations and oftentimes they came very thick upon me but even then I resolved that if I were thrown into Hell yet I would still lay hold upon my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and would never let him go and upon his Merits and Satisfaction I have been Established through his Grace ever since So that I take Christ for my King Priest and Prophet and do believe him to be a Propitiation for my sins and my Portion and Inheritance both here and for ever J. B. Experiences of VV. VV. I have much reason to acknowledge a great work of God upon my Heart in delivering me wonderfully from several destroying sins which once I thought slight but were really so great that I can scarce express them I was very Extravagant and brought very low both in Body and Mind and extreamly sensible of Disobeying my Parents from what the Scripture says of Men in the latter times that they shall be Lovers of themselves Heady Disobedient to their Parents c. The Serious consideration hereof cast me down afflicted my Conference and so troubled me that I was altogether comfortless Thus I continued a long time till it pleased God that once in a Sermon I heard Jesus Câ—rist freely offered even to the worst of sinners and then I began to look up a little with hopes of comfort and applied these offers to my own Soul being sensible that I had real need of them and so at length I began to be satisfied with peace and rest and followed the hearing of the Word and rejoyced in it and loved the company of good People And yet for all this I was under much temptation and too much inclined to drinking till my Brother Strong reproved me saying Brother I hear strange things of you that you are given to drinking This so smote me together with the abuses I received from the prophane sort who cryed out after me O this is one of Fowler 's followers that I was wounded in my spirit a long time to think that I should bring such a scandal upon the Gospel For two months I was wofully tormented in my mind till the Lord recovered me and gave me resolution and power against this and all other sins which hath continued with me ever since and for which I acknowledge his great love and mercy to me and do live upon Christ the true Messiah whom I believe to have died for my sins and that he will save my Soul W. W. X. Experiences of M. K. WHen I take a view of my Life upon the Stage of this World I may very well compare it to a Trage-Comedy a Labyrinth from one sin to another from one affliction to another I was indeed the Daughter of very good and honest Parents who diligently brought up their Children in the fear of God My Mother who in her days was noted for a godly virtuous and religious Gentlewoman she I say from amongst twelve Children chose me to set her love and affection upon she told me it was because she saw something a more tractableness and and diligence to please her thâ—n in the rest which when I perceived as then not being seven years old I laid my self forth the more to give her content who took great delight to instruct me to hear me read and ask her questions She allotted me a portion of Scripture every day as likewise a part of Erasmus Rotterdamus upon the four Evangelists wherein we both took great delight About that time I had serious thoughts concerning God the Father Son and Holy Ghost who putting this part of Scripture into my mind He that is ashamed of me before men of him will I be ashamed before my Father which is in Heaven and whoso denieth me before men him will I deny before the Angels which are in Heaven I then began to examine my self on this manner What wouldst thou do if thou wert tempted amongst diversities of Opinions to be ashamed of this Profession wherein thy Parents nurtured thee What wouldst thou do if thou shouldst be tempted to deny Christ and be called to suffer for his sake as some of thy kindred were in Queen Maries time wouldst thou not deny thy Master wouldst thou not run away from thy colours I resolved that I would not And if the Lord would be pleased to try me he should see how valiantly I would fight under his Banner and what a faithful Souldier I would be to this I did implore his help continually whatsoever I was about still my heart was praying and I desired that God would be pleased to awake me in the night that I might rise out of my Bed to prayer which many times I did After this manner I spent my days until I was twelve years old at which time it pleased God to take my
indeed there had been no real conversion though I had often thoughts towards God and especially I was given much to impatiency for which my Husband had often reproved me But still I went on in my sin being not sensible of my sad condition therein until I came into England After which this Sermon of Mr. T. did much humble me and wrought upon my heart a very great sense of my sins And I was afraid that I had committed the sin of Blasphemy against God as Job said his children perhaps had done some way or other because I had sometimes cursed some body or something that had angred me and in passion rapt out sometimes at Oath many nights I watered my bed with my tears about it and went to Mr. VVest a Minister near Liverpoole and other godly people who used such means as God led them forth to for my comfort but I was still afflicted in my Soul about the space of three weeks and then I found much comfort being perswaded by good counsel to trust in God which I did and was heartily sorry for my sins And then my Husband was troubled in mind himself and the Lord made me an instrument to comfort him as well as I could But about five months after he had abundance of joy and comfort and expected death saying that he was perswaded he should be killed and so presently after he was setled in his mind it fell sadly out For the Enemy took Liverpool and killed my Husband and a child both before my face and stript and wounded me and a child of five years old and it was thought I could not live And this was a strong tryal and I was much tempted my senses me thought were going from me and my heart I thought would have rent in pieces yet I prayed and the Lord heard me I thought it was too much for me to bear But I remembred my Saviours words He that will not forsake Father or Mother or Sister or Brother or Husband or Child for Christ is not worthy of him and I desire to give glory to his name I consider that I must part with all for Christ I strove hard against my own weakness and my heart said that God was just in all his dealings with me I thought when I had considered of it that I did but suffer as an evil doer my self but our cause was Gods and our Enemies Popish Rebels Paul was ready not only to suffer but to dye at Jerusalem for the name of Christ so I took it patiently giving glory to God and believing that God who wus come so near me would not forsake me I was assured with much joy that the Lord would bring me to himself and in this confidence did rejoyce with my wounded Child and a little Daughter a Barn where we were put having got a piece of an old Bible and then and since I have found much settledness in my faith from several Promises of the Lord revealed in his holy Word some of which follow John 15.7 If ye abide in me and my words abide in you ye shall ask what you will and it shall be done unto you I trust in God never to depart from his word and therefore hope to find comfort in the end and do find comfort in the way in that Christ abideth with me Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled Though the Lord hath thus emptyed me of some worldly comforts yet he hath given me an hungring and thirsting Soul after himself and therefore I laid hold of this promise of blessedness as made to me Matth. 11.28 where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest It this I have been and still am much comforted in the greatest afflictions that God hath laid upon me in whom alone is true rest And as further testimonies of my love to God and evidences of my faith I have these comfortable inferences which speak much peace to my Soul 1. My love to God and Christ is more than to all things in the World 2. I find a great difference in my affections to God and to the World and the things thereof so that my Children which of all worldly things are most near and dear to me yet if God should take them from me I could freely give them 3. I find the Spirit striving against the flesh so that when I heard Dr. Holmes speaking of that still voice which a Believer hears as it were from the Spirit it did so inlarge my heart that for joy and great comfort it made me weep through the influence of the Spirit sensibly then upon my heart and so at other times also I find much comfort in the Spirit of God which is my greatest joy 4. I do rejoyce mightily in the Ordinances and apply what I hear to my self as well as I can and when I hear any thing against any evil that I can apply to my self the Lord draws forth my heart frequently to pray to God that I may do nothing that may displease him And I thank my God I find a full willingness in desire and affection to submit to every truth of Jesus Christ 5. When I hear comforts spoken of that concern me I am so joyful that it fills my heart and sometimes fetches tears from mine eyes as particularly when Master M. said That afflictions were a testimony of Gods love to his people as Lazarus was sorely afflicted and dearly beloved 6. Since I heard Mr. B. and others as also suitable to my condition sevcral things laid open by Mr. W. in some cases of Conscience I have been much affected to settle my self so by the power of Christ that I may find peace in my conscience in all things before I dye and have made it my chief business and have found comfort in the meetings of godly people 7. I bless the name of the Lord my affections are loving to the people of God and I know I love them dearly and my heart riseth to hear them spoken against I had rather bear reproaches my self than than see any one of them wronged or suffer 8. I desire as to live with God in glory in Heaven so to lead my life to his glory here on Earth in grace according to the rule of his holy Word and the examples of the Saints therein expressed and I could heartily wish were it possible that I might never sin more And I have I bless God a clear discerning through the power of the Spirit of Grace that the Gospel is the Word of truth to Salvation 9. When I come before the Lord I see nothing but emptiness in my self and therefore trust in the fulness of Christ in whose power and Spirit I find much comfort and desire always that I may come prepared with that wedding garment that may never be taken away from me for of my self I can do nothing but through
Christ if he abide in me and I in him I shall do all things M. W. XVI Experiences of I. I. WHen I was in the midst of my wealth and worldly enjoyments I was vain covetous and wholy had my heart taken up with the things of the World little or nothing minding the things of God or thinking of a change but went on in presumption putting the evil day far off minidng only for the present what pleased the flesh untill about eight years since I had many outward crosses befell me and was in some want and then being under that dispensation I was much troubled and full of grief I sought to the Lord and begged deliverance from my afflictions and distresses as to outward wants but had not an heart to consider what was the cause or to seek out the mind of God in it until I heard Dr. Holmes shewing sin to be the cause of all our crosses The consideration hereof did come close unto my spirit and I had a clear conviction of my vanity and foolish doting on worldly things which had justly provoked the Lord I hope for my good to lay those crosses upon me which though they were for a time bitter yet God hath since sweetned But my sorrow was then doubled and I was dejected not only for my outward crosses but more especially for my carnal heart and vain conversation whereby I had stirred up the anger of the Lord against me I went to the Ordinances hoping to find comfort from the Word but the weight of my sins and my sufferings so pressed me down that I found much heaviness My sins especially lay heavy upon me and I saw little hope of comfort yet the Lord was pleased to work in my heart a loathing of sin as well as trouble for the affliction it had brought upon me But about a year since I heard Master W. prove by Scripture in a Sermon very effectual to my comfort that those who have been the greatest of sinners if they do heartily and really repent and turn to God by faith in Christ and lead a new life the Lord will receive them to mercy Hereupon I argued with my Soul that though I had been a great sinner yet the Lord had brought my heart to a loathing of those sins I loved and of all sins and to turn to the Lord and sincerely to desire to serve him That therefore there was hope of mercy for me I heard Mr. W. Mr. M. and others and frequented divers meetings where I found much comfort Those several places of Scripture in which I chiefly found comfort from the Promises of God are Matth. 11.28 29 30. where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Take my yoke upon you and learn of me for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest unto your Souls for my yoak is easie and my burden light This made me to hope that as the Lord hath given me an heavy heart laden with the sense of sin so Christ Jesus will give me comfort for in the 12 verse of the same Chapter it is said a hruised reed shall he not break and and smoaking flax shall he not quench And though I had dishonoured Christ yet I had not blasphemed the Holy-ghost and therefore had incouragement to believe from the words of Christ Luke 12.10 Whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of Man it shall be forgiven him but unto him that Blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven I was comforted to wait upon the Lord in hope because he had humbled my Soul and opened mine eyes to see mercy offered to me and this was strengthend from that example Lament 30.20 to verse 26. My Soul hath them still in remembrance and is humbled in me This I recall to mind theresore have I hope It is the Lords mercy that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not They are new every morning Great is thy faithfulness the Lord is my portion saith my Soul therefore will I hope in him The Lord is good unto them that wait for him to the Soul that seeketh him I was much incouraged from hence to seek the Lord and hope in his mercy My conscience told me I was a great sinner and deserved death and Hell but my hope was in God and strengthened from that promise Ezek. 18.21 22 23. If the wicked will turn from his sins that he hath committed and keep all my Statutes and do that which is lawfull and right he shall surely live he shall not dye All his transgressions that he hath committed they shall not be mentioned unto him In the righteousness that he hath done he shall live Have I any pleasure at all that the wicked shall dye saith the Lord God and not that he should turn from his ways and live And the Lord was pleased to put into my spirit a very great resolution to serve him for the time to come and I praise my God I have had since much joy in duties of Piety and much sweetness from the Word of God and goldly Ministers I have no desire to enjoy the pleasures and vanities of the World as I have done but my heart now takes delight in God and communion with his people and the Lord hath given me an heart io discern a beauty and desirableness in the ways of God which are more joyful to me now than ever sin was formerly and when I come at the Ordinances I often find and feel such heavenly refreshments from the Lord upon my heart that it makes me exceeding full of joy There is such a love upon my heart to God that I dare not willingly offend him in any thing I rejoyce to hear his name spoken of and his glory exalted And I find a very great affection drawn by the power of God from my heart to such as seem to be his people J. J. XVII Experiences of E. C. ABout nine years agoe at the Birth of a Child I had very great temptations of destroyinging my self and have had oftentimes a knife put into my hand to do it so that I durst not be left by my self alone and when I had considered what the causes might be my Conscience did hint most my neglecting of duties which I had many opportunities to have performed they being the Ordinances of God Thus I continued till two years agoe I buryed a Child which was a very great trouble to me to part with and then was I more fully convinced of sin which caused my burthen to be the greater so that I could seldom have any other thoughts but of desperation but the Lord kept me by his great mercy so that sometimes I could pray with devotion and discern the Lord to remove this great trouble from me I did plainly find that those great temptations were very much lessened which was a very great comfort unto my spirit but yet this still was
when I came to the place I looked upon the Child and considered with my self what shall I destroy my self and my poor Child and cryed out unto God Lord what wilt thou have me to do and had a sore conflict at that time with the Devil but me thought at last I heard the Lord say to my Soul as he did to Paul Trust in me my grace is sufficient for thee And then I found some comfort which inlarged my heart through the assistance of Gods Spirit to call upon the name of the Lord for further assistance and comfort and so I went back again with much joy believing that I should have the favour of God And the Lord put it into my mind to go to one E. B. that dwelt by a Moor side near Leeds whom I knew was a godly Woman and she opened to me the troubles of David and Job and gave me sweet comfort saying God was by me and I did not see him and as Job wished so she wrought upon my heart to wish O that I could see him O that I could behold him and my heart was full of joy and I cryed and was much grieved with very great repentance that I had been so seduced and did so despair of Gods mercies and had been so blinded And the Lord set it upon my spirit that though I had laid all aside yet now I should come out of the Wilderness leaning on my Beloved and I had a greater affection to the ways of God than ever and delighted in them more than ever Before they were a burthen to me now they were easie and sweet Being at York I heard a Minister there out of Hosea 2. preach that which wrought much comfort in me and that Christ had promised to betroth himself to every Believer And then and since I have much joy in the promises of God and can through the Spirit of God which I find and feel in my heart lay hold by faith on them as my particular interest As Rom. 10.4 Christ is the end of the Law for righteousness to every one that believeth Christ by hss Spirit hath wrought belief in me both in his promises and threatnings and to live according to his Word therefore I conclude that I shall be saved by the righteousness of my Saviour Rom. 9.4 Who are Israelites to whom pertaineth the adoption and the glory and the covenants and the giving of the Law and the service of God and the promises I know that every Believer is a true Israelite and brought under the Covenant of grace by Jesus Christ and that therefore the promises of grace and salvation belong to me Rom. 3.21 22. But now the righteousness of God without the Law is manifested being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets even the Righteousness of God which is by Faith of Jesus unto all and upon all them that believe for there is no difference I being one whom God hath drawn to believe it is manifested unto me that I have an interest in the Righteousness of Jesus Christ to justifie me before God by his merits which are made mine by faith Hosea 2.19 20. I will betroth thee unto me sor ever yea I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness and in judgment and in loving kindness and in mereies I will even betroth thee unto me in saithsulness and thou shalt know the Lord. I find great comfort from this promise in that the Lord doubles and trebles his Promises and enlargeth himself so freely to the Soul And as testimonies of my real conversion to God and union with Jesus Christ and that reconciliaon is made between God and my Soul I find these real evidences wrought by Gods blessed Spirit in me 1. I find in my heart great love to God that when God saith Seek my face my heart rejoyns again saying thy face Lord will I seek And I find nothing so dear to me as the love of God and if my heart deceive me not I could bear and suffer any thing to bring glory to God accounting all things but dung and dross below Christ 2. When any thing of the flesh ariseth against the motions of Gods Spirit to draw me from good or to do evil I find frequently the power of the Spirit to subdue my heart not to submit to the flesh but to walk in his way and yet I am so sensible of my infirmities that all that I do or can do is nothing but as filthy rags but I know Jesus Christ is my Saviour and stands engaged for me and when the flesh is weakest I find the Spirit thirsteth after God 3. I find in my heart a very great thirsting after the Ordinances and a great enlargment of heart and comfort in them my heart being delighted to be among the people of God and full of joy in them 4. When thoughts of want at any time arise I find full satisfaction in the better part which never can be taken from me which is my interest in Jesus Christ And I find in my Conscience a great testimony of my Spiritual union with God and that I am so separated from the world in my affections that God hath drawn me to himself 5. God who searcheth the heart knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit because he maketh intercession for the Saints according to the will of God which will of God I find a free submission to in my heart with joy knowing that all things shall work together for good to them that love God 6. It is the chiefest desire of my heart that God would keep me close to my duty and I have abundance of joy in communion with the Lord which is more sweet to me than my joy in any thing else 7. I delight much to speak of God and of his ways and to use what means I can to comfort the Saints whom I love dearly and if possible to convert sinners D. M. XIX Expertences of Ae. L. I Had lately great grief upon my spirit about a Daughter which was brought to great sufferings and by reason of her going away in her affliction I thought she had made away her self God put it into my thoughts to remember my sins and that he had laid this affliction upon me for neglecting my duty to him and not serving him as I ought This caused great sorrow in me and made me abundantly shed tears my sins I thought were the occasion that the Lord made her so great a cross to me for which I had deserved it so that both became a great grief to my Soul and thus I lay languishing in very great sorrow Then I began to think with my self that there is no refuge but only in Christ and I consulted my thoughts how to go to good company and meetings where I might find comfort from the people of God And about two years since one morning I came to Mr. S. to joyn with godly people that came thither to prayer though with a great deal of
distraction in my mind and I shewed my discontents and condition to him and he told me that if I had but a mind to seek God and to repent he was gracious and would receive me to mercy The thing that I did earnestly beg of God was to know Christ crucified for me and he told me that indeed was best of all And after some good instructions from him and others I was much delighted to frequent the meetings of Gods Servants and good Sermons and I found many good operations upon my heart After very strong conflicts whicn I had thus for about three quarters of a year lying in my bed waking all the night and calling upon God to direct me to ask at his hands those things which might be for his glory and my comfort and begging that he would give me a setled heart that might not be distracted with the things of the World In the morning I fell tnto a slumber with God still in my thoughts in which I heard as it were a voice from Heaven speaking to my heart and saying thus Ask of God a perfect upright heart to walk in his presence which when I was fully awake I took to be the motion of Gods Spirit upon my Conscience which did fill me with much joy provoking me to pray to the Lord to grant me that grace And about two years since the Lord gave me a sense of my sins in a greater measure than before and my repentance was more spiritual and my hatred of sin more real And I found a sore combate betwixt the flesh and the spirit being more sensible how I had strayed from the rule of the Gospel and did yet come short of my duty therein and it was a great grief to my heart that I could not live according to that which God had revealed of his will to me Whilst I was thus troubled in spirit I heard some things in several Sermons preached by Master B. touching the sins of our natural corruptions and what holiness God repuires of us And I heard Mr. C. shew that we should strive to enter in at the narrow gate which wrought in my heart a very great sense of my sins In these conflicts I met with many discouragements and Satan tempted me to despair but the Lord sustained me I considered that as a sinner I deserved nothing but Damnation but my comfort was in Christ and my grief was interlaced with comforts Sometimes I was in sorrow two or three days and then again found comfort and often prayed unto the Lord to lay no more weight upon me then he would give me strength to bear and I found the Lord to be my shield and buckler and remembred many promises from the Lord in which to this day I bless God I have and still do find much comfort As Psal 34.19 Many are the afflictions of the Righteous but the Lord delivereth him out of them all I have had many afflictions for my sins but none but Christs righteousness is my comfort in whom I trust for deliverance Ezekiel 33.11 As I live saith the Lord God I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his evil way and live turn ye turn ye from your evil ways for why will ye dye O ye house of Israel Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Ezekiel 18.30 Repent and turn your selves from all your transgressions so iniquity shall not be your ruine Isaiah 43.25 I even I am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for my own sake and will not remember thy sins These and divers other promises I praise God I have had comfort from and as the fruits of my faith and my love to God I have these Evidences wrought by his Spirit through faith in my heart as a further manifestation of my interest in Christ 1. I believe in the Promises of the free mercies of God in the merits of Christ and can apply them with comfort to my own Soul as mine by faith 2. My heart and my mind affects God above all the pleasures and joys in the World and when I think of the things of the World in relation to God I think that without God all is but vain and vanity 3. When I think of my crosses and afflictions in the World then I lift up my heart to God in Christ and can say Having thee I have all things if I have Christ I have enough 4. My heart rejoyces in duties and my Soul doth more rejoyce in hearing the Word than in worldly pleasures 5. I have the peace of God upon my conscience which is more to me than all things in the world and makes me set the world at naught and it is my prayer that I may never be without that peace of God whatever befalls me 6. The Lord hath given me a contented mind in what condition soever he brings me to and his Spirit worketh upon my heart that I do not repine against his will E. L. XX. Experiences of J. B. SOme time agoe a Child of mine about six years of age when I have bid him go forth to play he hath come in again very solitary because other Children would swear and be rude I would ask him Robert what aileth you why do you not go to play he would answer That he had no fellows to play withal but such as would swear and the like and they cannot be said he Gods children I would say why not Child then he would say No Mother though I am but a little way in my Book yet I have learnt that God will not pardon such sins as swearing I have sometimes said Yes Child I hope God will pardon them else God help thy Father and God help us all Then he hath replyed Mother with great repentance God can forgive for his mercies are great but good Mother let us forbear that which is evil And many times I had such conference with that Child that seeing me troubled about it he hath said Good Mother be content their Parents are such and they must needs learn after them I thought upon my Childs words and having before often offended God on the Lords Days and the thoughts of other failings in my conversation it wrought great trouble upon my heart so that I was much afflicted in Soul considering that my Child so young should give me such instructions which hath proved a blessing to bring me home to him I did then make some doubt whether God would forgive me those sins and about that time hearing Dr. Vsher preach several Sermons and particularly upon that Text That we are but sojourners and travellers here and shewing that we are not at home therefore we must keep on in the streight way to Heaven and take heed of the broad way which leadeth to Hell this and other means since did throw me down low under the sense of sin yet not without sometimes some
refreshments And from a Sermon preached by Dr. â—sher That the Lord is the shield and defence of those that trust in him I had some comfortable hopes in the Lords mercies but I found many doubtings still yet about seven years since Master Tompson made a Sermon at Liverpoole then besieged shewing That we must lay hold on the Lord and hold fast and he will lead us through all Troubles and soon after it was lost and many were killed but I bless God I had no hurt at all which did much comfort me that the Lord of his mercy had delivered me I did and still do hope that the Lord had a mind to save me and to draw me nearer to himself which together with some other deliverances of the Lords great mercy I took great comfort in so that when I had scarce bread and water and I have been streightned since yet I found still comfort from the Lord for my self and to be an instrument to help others who were prisoners And the Lord then and since hath by his Spirit comforted me with several Promises which I praise God I can apply to my self by which I have a testimony of my true belief some of which are these which follow Gen. 15.1 The Word of the Lord came unto Abraham in a vision saying Fear not Abraham I am thy shield and thy exceeding great reward I had found the Lord to be my shield in those many deliverances he had wrought for me and had taken away that distrustful fear which before was upon me and therefore I was and still am confident he will be my exceeding great reward Psal 119.57 Thou art my portion O Lord I have said that I would keep thy words The same God wrought in my heart to say with David that I would keep thy Word O Lord and tho I cannot as I should yet my desire is to keep it my mind is to keep it therefore I presume with David to say Thou art my portion O Lord. John 15.5 Christ saith I am the Vine ye are the Branches he that abideth in me and I in him the same bringeth forth much fruit for without me ye can do nothing I know my self to be nothing without Christ and though I have infirmities yet my heart abides in Christ And therefore I hope to find righteousness and salvation not in my self but in Christ desiring also that I may bring forth fruit as a branch in him Rom. 8.1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus who walk not after the flesh but after the spirit I find my self to be one of those who walk in my heart in the ways of God to which I am led by his Spirit and not after the flesh and though I cannot serve God so well as I would I do as well as I can and am troubled in my spirit for my failings and therefore I believe I shall never be condemned And I have these testimonies of my conversion and sincere love to God as the fruits of my faith 1. The Lord hath by his Spirit manifested to my Soul that the Wisdom of the Spirit is life and peace and hath wrought that peace in my heart that I do not desire any way to break from it for any other enjoyments whatsoever 2. This I desire to be built upon that I may find Christ to be my life and peace 3. I find that the Lord hath greatly wrought upon me and my mind is fully affected with the Lord out of whom I do not care for any thing that is in the World 4. My desire is wholly to serve God and leave all things in the World as vain trifles for the enjoyment of him 5. My love is so much to God in Christ that having him I know I have all things and without him I have nothing 6. I find that I have great comfort and am much refreshed by Ordinances a sense of the Spirit is frequently brought upon my heart and I have received a great deal of comfort therein when I have been weak and it hath been a refreshing to me when food hath been scant And particularly from several Sermons preached by Mr. Whitaker Mr. Marshal Mr. Carter and others as also Mr. P. Dr. Homes Mr. W. and at other meetings of godly people 7. I find that the comfort of the Ordinances are more sweet to me than all the pleasures riches or friends in the world for they are contenting comforts and so are not worldly things 8. I could find in my heart willingly to dye and leave Children Brothers Sisters and all the World besides to go to my Christ J.B. XXI Experiences of A. J. WHen it pleased God to call my Husband from me I was for a time as exceedingly cast down and troubled as I think any poor creature could be in which I was so overwhelmed that I did not know which way to turn my self nor what to do yet was seeking the Lord to find out what was his mind in the thing I had lost a good estate had no body to look after my business had many injured me and had lost above the rest a pious Husband whom I intirely loved yet the Lord put it into my heart that all this was to wean me from my sins and too much doting upon an Husband and other worldly enjoyments which my heart was too much taken up with therefore the Lord was pleased to strip me of them in a great measure to bring me nearer to himself I went to divers places to hear several Ministers and by waiting upon the Ordinances to seek after the Lord if possible I might find comfort and satisfaction to my Soul herein but continued in much affliction upon my spirit for near a years time at last I heard Master Jenkins preaching out of the 21. Chapter of John the 18. and 19. verses Verily Verily I say unto thee when thou wast young thou girdedst thy self and walkedst whether thou wouldest but when thou shalt be old thou shalt stretch forth thy hands and another shall gird thee and carry thee whither thou wouldest not This spake he signifying by what death he should glorifie God The consideration of which dispensation from God to him drew forth my heart to be contented with whatsoever the Lord should be pleased to lay upon me And I was satisfied to suffer or bear any thing in that it was the Lords will to glorifie himself by such dispensations towards the Saints And the Lord hath since made me as he did David to be contented as well with his Rod as with his staff and then and since I praise the Lord I can say with David It was well for me that I was afflicted I was comforted with that example of ahe woman in the Gospel to whom it was said by Christ that it is not lawful to take the childrens bread and cast it to dogs in that I could say with her Truth Lord but the dogs may lick the crums that
fall from their Masters Table I remembred Gods dispensations towards Job and David and resolved with Joshua that I and my house wold serve the Lord. And although it was a bitter pill to me to bear the cross before yet now my God hath made it easie and I praise the Lord through his grace I can go under it with a great deal of comfort and he hath now discovered to me the way of his working in those things which before were wonderful strange to me Many special promises I found great comfort in some that I remember are these that follow viz. 1 Pet. 5.6 7. Humble your selves therefore under the mighty hand of God that he may exalt you in due time Casting all your care on him for he careth for you This promise I have found of a truth made good to me in some measure I have applyed it often and have found the comfort of it 2 Cor. 1.29 My grace is sufficient for thee From this place I found much comfort knowing the fulness of so glorious a portion Jam. 1.2 3 4. Count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations knowing this that the tryal of your faith worketh patience But let patience have her perfect work that ye may be perfect and intire wanting nothing This administred great joy to me against all temptations Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters of life and he that hath no mony come ye buy and eat This gave great comfort to my Soul at several times though it was so much cast down And that which gives me great content and comfort is the seal of Gods Spirit in my heart giving evidence of peace in the blood of Christ between God and my Soul by these testimonies 1. My love to God is so that I am confident if the Lord keep me with his Spirit which at this time he hath bestowed upon me I could be content to part with any thing or lay down my life for his glory if he would call me to it 2. The Lord hath been pleased so to inrich my Soul with his Spirit that I loath the things of the World when they would draw me in any thing from submitting to the motions of Gods Spirit in my heart I once thought nothing could have drawn me from the love of the vain things of the world but now I do as much disdain them for God and more than then I loved them 3. I desire to follow Gods Ordinances and find great enlargments of my heart to God both to and in the Ordinances And particularly from Mr. S. Mr. W. and others from whom many things have fallen that have much refreshed my Soul and I find my heart in duties to God more refreshed than in any thing 4. I find much peace in my conscience because of a free submission which his Spirit hath wrought in my Soul to all the commands of Jesus Christ and I find comfort in that true circumcision which is in my heart wrought by his Spirit 5. I find every every day so great a peace in my Soul and such comfort in God that I could be willing and I bless God find in my self a readiness to dye every moment XXII Experiences of A. A. ABout two years since my Husband was sore wounded which I took as a great tryal not having above a month to go with Child and I was troubled at it And about a quarter of a year after I was up all my Children were sick together of the small Pox. Yet all this did not work upon me inwardly so sensibly as about a month afterwards that one of my Children dyed suddenly when I thought he had been near well then I said the wages of sin is death thinking that the Lord had warned me by Fatherly threatnings before but I did not hearken to him and therefore I thought he smote me now by the death of my Child But yet I could not enter into any particular sins that God should strike at only in general I sought the Lord to lay open my sins to me I was very much troubled that the Lord took my child so suddenly from me but was comforted by Mr. Strong in some Sermons preached from the words the Church to Paul going to suffer at Jerusalem Acts 21.14 When he would not be perswaded we ceased saying The will of the Lord be done So I was setled pretty well in my thoughts till suddenly the Lord struck the elder of my two Children then living which was a Boy my other which is a Girl I did not so much value but now I do and know Gods mercy in sparing her but my Child that then dyed was the chief comfort that my heart was fixed upon in this world which was so great a grief to me that I have slept few nights quiet I desired to know the mind of God what he would do with me Sometimes I should have difpaired through great buffetings inwardly but that the Lord sustained me Sometimes I thought that the wrath of God was kindled against me thinking never to have comfort in this world again But blessed be the Lord for it he hath often comforted me in this that I have thought he did it in love to me yet sometimes I have feared that I should despair and that the hand of God was against me in it having been troubled with thoughts that I was the death of my children Thus I have been between hope and dispair and could not find what the Will of God was in it towards me And I had fears that the hand of God was still against me for further punishment because I have had many temptations upon me in low thoughts of God But I have gone to prayer and desired the Lord to deliver me and discover his mind to me in every thing that I do and have found a willingness to part with any thing even to cut off a limb or any thing if I could find out what it was And I bless God I have found a good spirit resisting the bad Yet I have been under much fear that I was not a child of God But it hath pleased God to comfort me in this that Pauls life was subject to temptations therefore I had hope and cast my self upon the mercies of God resolving that if I perish I perish never daring to offend willingly in any thing that I know to be a sin yet I know I am a wretched sinner but I humbly desire to do the will of God so far as I am able And in that I can say with David Psal 42.1 As the heart panteth after the water-brooks so panteth my soul after thee O God I find comfort with him to say Why art thou cast down O my Soul and why art thou disquieted within me hope thou in God for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance verse 5. And I will look unto the Lord with the Prophet Micha I will wait for the God of my Salvation
my God will hear me Mich. 7.7 And I have found much comfort in applying several promises to my Soul As Matth. 5.4 Christ saith Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted As God hath given me a mourning Spirit for my sins so I believe that in his time I shall be comforted and I have tasted I bless God of the comforts of his Spirit in my Soul Isaiah 55.1 The Lord saith Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no mony come ye buy and eat yea come buy wine and milk without mony and without price As the Lord hath made my Soul to thirst for him so I doubt not but to find him And the Lord says Ezek. 33.11 As I live I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his way and live I thank God my heart and soul is turned from all things and is only after the Lord. And in a special manner I have found sweet evidences of my faith and interest in God through Christ I had lately much comfort from a Sermon preached by Mr. Strong who shewed that afflictions did not make us low in the sight of God though before men as also from the words at a conference by Mr. V. That in the World we shall have tribulations but in God rest And 1. I do clearly find that my love is more set upon God than upon any thing 2. I could more willingly leave the world now than ever before and I could willingly dye if God saw it good in the mind I am 3. I find in my heart that I do so cast my self upon God that I have peace with him 4. In times of doubtings I find comfort that I have a God to call upon and I find much peace in my mind in returns from God 5. I do always find when any evil thoughts arise a power from God which subdues them so that I never willingly give way to them 6. I find my affections ready to go forth both to duties and in duties to God and when I come to them with little affection yet I bless God I find a great deal of comfort usually before I go away 7. I find the most comfort to my spirit is when I am weeping for my infirmities or at prayer or duties in publick or private and methinks I find such joy in them that I could dwell there having no comfort in the world like that 8. I find in my heart a real love to all if any have wronged me I desire no revenge but that I may be at peace with all 9. Whatsoever I find to be a truth from God and a motion of his Spirit I find in my soul a willingn submitting to it A. A. XXIII Experiences of E. C. ABout 16. years of Age though I did not understand the Word yet I had a great desire to go to hear because they served God therin that did sâ— knowing that there is a God that ought to be served And I sat in corners studying what way I might come to God if I should dye having a very grear affection wrought by the Lord upon my spirit praying as well as I could that my self and my Father and Mother and Friends might go to God when we dye And I was very much set upon duties thinking to find God there but afterwards lived in a Family where I was much hindred from the Ordinances or partaking of any thing of God which was a great grief unto me Yet sometimes I had thoughts towards worldly things pondering how to be rich or fine as others but God wrought in my heart a remorse to check those temptations And frequently the Lord laid some affliction or other upon me to wean me the more from such vain thoughts which brought my heart into a very sad condition many times and sometimes I have wept day and night And at other times through grief that I could not sorrow enough I have fallen into a great measure of weeping After I had lived in several other Families where I had little comfort About twenty years since hearing Mr. F. and Mr. P. on Lords-days I was much comforted and also by Mr. Marshall and others and from the consideration of the Love of God in Christ and the sufferings of Christ for us as also of the Woman that did but by Faith touch the hem of Christs garment how she was comforted and healed and I had much comfort in private meetings But about five years since seeing my other Neighbours many of them flourish and prosper in the World more than I I began to doubt that I did but play the Hypocrite and that perhaps they did pray more at home than I though I knew some of them went less to the publick Ordinances I was very much troubled at this and thought with my self Lord shall I still lye at the Pool and find no body to put me in that I may be healed and I was much troubled because many of my Neighbours hated me for frequenting private meetings And for above a month I spent much time in private prayer and often in the night upon my Bed and went to hear only on the Lords-days But then I had thoughts upon me that it was not pleasing to God to pray unto him upon a soft Bed Then the Lord put it in my heart that he had promised That where two or three are met together in my name that I will be in the midst of them This caused me to go again as I had done before to hearing of Sermons on week-days But still I found many reasonings and doubtings upon my spirit whether I was elected or not and was much cast down many times about it and had some temptations to despair fearing that such a sinner as I could not be saved Yet I had comfort in this that though I was a sinner God by his Spirit had mortified me And though I am not so good as I should be yet through the power of grace I am not so bad as the flesh would be and finding much of the testimony of Gods Spirit upon my heart I had great hope that I had marks and tokens of my believing One night having for about half a years time before used to go to Bed before I prayed being in Bed and thinking to pray to God I had strange temptations upon me to put God out of my mind and I could not speak a word nor scarce think of God and if I did in some intervals I could not name God or Christ nor speak a word to God for the present And Satan then seemed to appear to me in a most ugly shape laughing and jeering at me which did much affright me and I feared that I had played the Hypocrite with God and now should run mad to make good what some haâ— reproachfully cast upon me that I was an Hypocrite and I was rising out of my Bed but it pleased the Lord to
put it into my mind that Christ Jesus hath not given so much for Souls as he hath done to let the Devil have them for nothing And in the strength of the Lord I repulsed the Devil saying Satan when thou in tempting Christ shewedst him the whole World thou promisedst him that which was none of thine own nor am I thine and therefore avoid Satan for thou hast nothing to do with me and then the Devil departed from me Then my heart was much filled with the thoughts of the goodness of God and with a mixture of tears and joy I had sweet comforts from the Lord. And though I have had many doubts upon my spirit sometimes yet I have since found very great consolation through Faith in the promises of God as in these and divers others Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest I thank God I have found much rest and refreshment by coming to Christ and that his grace is sufficient for me Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled I have often laid hold on this promise with a thirsting desire after Jesus Christ and he hath filled me with comfort And the comfort wherewith Christ did comfort Peter bidding him not to fear for he had prayed for him hath been upon my spirit and given me great consolation in that I know Christ is heard in all that he prayeth to the Father And I find the Testimonies of my Conversion to God which give satisfaction to my Soul that I am a true Believer 1. Though I do all that I can to serve God as he hath commanded me yet I find great imperfection and utter unworthiness in my self to deserve any thing of God But my whole dependance and hope of Salvation is in Gods free grace in the blood and merits of my Saviour Jesus Chrsst 2. I do find that the Love of God in Christ constrains me to love God again above all things in the World and whatever I am about my Soul is delighted with God above all 3. I find that the Lord draws my heart to hate all evil communication and evil things and not so much to fear the punishment of the World for any thing as to sin against God 4. I am much delighted in the workings of Gods Spirit and it is a great joy and comfort to my Soul when my heart is inlarged towards God 5. My heart is much affected unto Ordinances and if Satan suggested worldly thoughts to hinder me from duties I have called upon God and found comfort and when I have come to duties with cold affections I have been much refreshed in the duties though sometimes I have felt pain and distemper in my body which I have thought Satan hath done to make me weary in duties yet I have called on the Lord and found comfort 6. I find great peace and much comfort in the Lord so that I could be willing to dye and it is a great joy to me in that I expect to dye that I may be delivered from the afflictions of the World to enter into eternal joy with Christ for ever E. O. XXIV Expeiences of A. G. I Have been many years since very sensible of my Natural Estate and did lye long under the sence of my sins which were so great a burden to me that they made me almost despair insomuch that I could scarce either eat or driâ—k but had my spirits dried up with the anguish thereof For I was brought up under the Means and from a Child frequented the hearing of the Word And the first cause of my great torment was for that I once told a Lye against my Conscience which so lay upon my spirit afterwards that I could receive no comfort I went to hear the Word and read the Scriptures yet all did but increase my horrour Several Ministers and godly People used great means to comfort me but all in vain for a time and when I read the Scriptures I found every threatning and judgment therein that I fixed my thoughts upon to speak terrour to my Soul and my distraction was so great that my Friends said I was mad and kept the Bible from me For so often as I read in it I pored most upon that dreadful place Matth. 12.31 All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men I did not know what the sin against the Holy Ghost was but I had a perswasion I had committed that sin and feared that my sins could not be pardoned and that I should never go to Heaven but was cast off to the damned Yet this the Lord wrought for me and in me by his blessed Spirit to draw forth my heart to be often praying in that poor doubting way my spirit could by the Lords assistance vouchsafed to me attain unto for though I thought it in vain and that God would not hear me yet I continued praying and often cryed to God not only in the day time but frequently in the night and rise out of my Bed to pray to God to have mercy upon me And I was sometimes a little comforted in that I was perswaded to hope in the Lord but yet it was dashed again through fear that I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost And I thought that all victuals and every thing was too good for me and that I was unwâ—rthy of all en oyments Thus I lay for some months in a sad Agony wrastling with temptations perplexed between hope and despair But at last in hearing Mr. W. Minister of B. and reading a Book called The New Birth I found comfort being better satisfied what the sin against the Holy Ghost was than before since which I bless God I have for some years past found much comfort from the Promises of God revealed in his holy Word some of which follow Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled My chief desires are after Jesus Christ and to follow him by the Rule of the Gospel not doubting but that I shall be blessed in that grace which he communicates to me from his fulness Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest This promise being to Souls laden with dejections and universal to all that come to Christ hath much comforted my heart in that by his Spirit he hath drawn forth my Soul to come to him And as a testimony of my love to God and evidences of my faith I bless God I have these comfortable fruits of the Spirit of grace in my Soul 1. Though I do all that I can to serve God yet in all things I find infirmities in me so that all my trust is only in the merits of my Saviour Jesus Christ 2. Though I cannot be so holy as
everlasting life This very word whosoever did work so kindly and with such a sweet efficacy upon my heart that I was constrained to submit having not any objection against it for it comprehended all sorts of sinners although never so great yet whosoever believeth in this Son of God shall injoy such a sweet promise no less than eternal life In the 16. verse God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life And in Acts 10.43 That whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins Then in Gal. 2.20 I live by the faith of the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me and Christ Jesus dyed for sinners of whom I am chief Seeing this application of Christ that Paul made in particular to himself who was a very great sinner it did much imbolden me in the like Rom. 5.8 9. God commendeth his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners Christ dyed for the ungodly and I was ungodly therefore I believed Christ dyed for me and when we were yet without strength in due time Christ dyed for sinners I am a sinner and therefore Christ dyed for me and he was reconciled unto us while we were enemies For the Lord to be thus reconciled to ungodly to sinners to enemies this was more love indeed than ever I expected Especially that the Lord would have been half so gracious to me This turned all my former sorrows into joy crying out what shall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits that he hath bestowed upon me For what was I or any of my Fathers house that the Lord should be so merciful unto me And I have these testimonis of my real conversion to God 1. The testimony of his spirit adopting me to be his child Gal. 3.4 5. God sent forth his Son to redeem those that are under the law that they may receive the adoption of Sons And because you are Sons God hath sent sorth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts crying Abba Father wherefore thou art no more a servant but a Son I was once under the law dead I am now by Christ redeemed And I bless God for this precious priviledge that I can call God my Father 2. Christ hath fulfilled the law therefore I shall not be condemned by the Law but justified by Jesus Christ without the deeds of the Law there was a time when I was dead in sin and in ungodliness being alienated from the Common-wealth of Israel and a stranger to the Covenant of grace having no hope and without God in the world But being made alive by Jesus Christ I see my sins done away and do believe that Christ hath born on his body all my sins he being bruised for our transgressions Isa 53. And the Lord laid on him the iniquity of us all by whose stripes we are healed So that I do believe that by one offering he hath perfected for ever all those that are sâ—nctified Heb. 10. And that Christ Jesus is become a full and perfect satisfaction for my sins and that the Lord is well pleased with and contented in this satisfaction Mat. 3. That is my well-beloved Son in whom I am well pleased 3. I am in and through Gods free grace what I am not for any thing in me or that I could do but as in Titus 4.5 We our selves were sometimes foolish disobedient serving divers lusts but when the kindness and love of God our Saviour appeared towards man not by works of righteousness which we have done but according to his mercy he saved us That being justified freely by his grace we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life And in another place 1 Tim. 1.9 Who hath saved us and called us with an holy calling not according to our works but according to his own purpose and grace in Christ Jesus before the world began Therefore I believe that God the Father loveth me in Jesus Christ 1 John 4.19 We love him because he loved us first John 14.14 Ye have not chosen me but I have chosen you that you should bring forth much fruit Isa 43.25 I even I am he that blotteth out all thy transgressions for my own sake and will not remember thy iniquities and he will have mercy even because he will have mercy The blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth us from all sins I plainly see it is the Lords doings and it is marvellous in my eyes As in Ephes 2. You who were dead in trespasses and sins hath he quickned together with him by Grace ye are saved and that not of your selves it is the gift of God I find as Christ Jesus was a free gift to me and for me so was this saving grace of faith a free gift also from the Lord to my Soul Rom. 3.24 Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that he might be just and the justifier of him that believeth in Jesus so that all boasting of the creature is excluded by the law of faith As by the disobedience of one many were made sinners so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous 4. I believe that as there was no sin found in Christ and yet a sinner by imputation so I being a sinner indeed shall be made righteous by Gods imputation For it pleased God to make him become sin for us who knew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him 5. I have the seal of the spirit as Paul saith The spirit of God beareth witness with our spirits that we are the children of God and if children then Heirs of God and joynt heirs with Christ in this our freedom 6. I do believe that God the Father loved me and elected me for the Son to redeem and that Jesus Christ loves me as given of the Father for him to redeem and manifests it to me And the Holy Ghost loves me as elected of the Father and redeemed by the Son and doth evidence it in me which is the earnest of my inheritance and there is an expression in John 3. last He that believeth in the Son hath everlasting life 7. I do believe that I have everlasting life already in possession 1. By the Promise Fear not little flock for it is your Fathers good pleasure to give you a Kingdom 2. In the first fruits for what is heaven hereafter but a more full injoyment of what is begun here What we receive now is but a tast of what we shall receive As 1 John 4.2 Beloved now are we the Sons of God and it doth not yet appear what we shall be but we know that when we shall appear we shall be like him for we shall see him as he is 3. I do injoy it by my head Christ who hath taken full possession of it already for me
Therefore seeing I am not my own I am bought with a price therefore I desire to glorifie God with my Soul and Body which are the Lords saying with Mary in Luke 1. My Soul doth magnifie the Lord and my Spirit doth rejoyce in God my Saviour who hath regarded the low estate of his handmaid 8. Though formerly my soundation was built upon the sands and therefore easily overthrown Yet now I trust in the Lord I am established by Faith built upon that Rock which is the love of God my Saviour Christ being the corner stone Isa 28.16 Behold I lay in Zion a stone a tryed stone he that believeth shall not make hast 9. I wait upon the Will of my Heavenly Father in all his dispensations for a more full injoyment of Jesus Christ in my Soul which I do hunger and thirst after and I have the promise of my God that I shall be filled and having tasted I have found the Lord is gracious and more to be desired than thousands of Worlds 10. I believe not upon others words but as in John 4.42 as some said to the Woman of Samaria Now we believe not because of thy saying for we have heard him our selves and know that this is indeed the Christ the Saviour of the World 11. As David saith I had fainted unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord and I believe therefore have I spoken for I was greatly afflicted As the Apostle saith ye are compleat in Christ therefore I reckon my self in him 12. The Lord having cleared it to me that I am a believer I am confident that Christ Jesus did pray to his Father for me in the 17. of John saying I pray not for these only hut for them that shall believe through their word that they may be one even as we are one therefore thou art my God and I will praise thee for thou hast heard me and art become my salvation Thus in some measure I have weakly hinted out a reason of the hope that is in me trusting in my God that as he hath taken away the guilt of sin out of my conscience so in his due time he will take away all sin from my conversation as he hath given me a pardon for sin so he will over-power all my corruptions that I may live more to the praise of the glory of his grace wherein he hath made me accepted in the Beloved and that I shall become over sin Satan self and all things opposite to grace more than a Conqueror through him that hath loved me and washed me from my sins in his blood for to him are all things possible and he is the wise Master-Builder who will not only begin but will go on to accomplish his own work D. R. XXVIII Experiences of A. O. I Have undergone sad troubles of spirit for my sins which I have had a great fight and sense of and shed many tears for and desire to be truly sorry for them and hate them and to have no more communion with them About two years I lay under very great temptations and was ready to despair and for several nights could not take any rest in my bed but was very weak with weeping and much grieved for my evil thoughts yet the Lord drew forth my heart to call upon him and hope in him for mercy But I had many sore conflicts insomuch that I could not lye in the chamber alone I made what use I could of opportunities to desire comfort from such godly Christians as I could meet withal to counsel me in the ways of God and I laboured to hearken to them but found my heart very dull and heavy for a time untill about three years since I began to find comfort from some Sermons that I heard and books that I read and some thoughts that the Lord settled upon my heart by his spirit hoping that there was mercy for me And I did believe that I had all the prayers of all the Saints in the world put up to the Throne of grace for me and that my Saviour had satisfied for my sins and through him God was reconciled to me and in particular I found comfort from these and some other promises John 16.35 Jesus said unto them I am the bread of life he that cometh to me shall never hunger and he that believeth on me shall never thirst Verse 37. All that the Father giveth me shall come to me and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out John 14.1 Let not your hearts be troubled ye believe in God believe also in me Jerem. 31.23 But this shall be the Covenant that I will make with the house of Israel After those days saith the Lord I will put my Law in their inward parts and write it in their Hearts and I will be their God and they shall be my people And I do find in my heart a testimony of my believing that I do love God wrought in me by his blessed Spirit by these particulars 1. I love God not through slavish fear but for his name and glory so that I can leave all for him and nothing is so dear and precious unto me as the love of God and nothing so great a joy to me as that Christ who dyed for me hath not left me 2. I find such comfort from the Lord that he by his Spirit revives my drooping heart and fills my empty Soul and when my poor spirit is even fainting away I find comfort from his glorious power and presence 3. When I cannot come to Ordinances it is a grief to me and when I am in duty it is a grief to me that I am so dull and find no more inlargement yet my affections are groaning after the Lord Jesus Christ in Duties and I have a great longing to receive more of Christ And I find more comfort when my heart is inlarged in duty than in any other thing in the World and I know that all my comfort is from Jesus Christ 4. What I desire to injoy I seek to injoy it in God through peace of conscience that it may be to the comfort of my faith for God is pure and it is a great grief to me that I câ—n serve my God no better 5. I do not fear death for my faith is so setled in God that I long to be with my Saviour when he shall be pleased to call me to him Christ hath dyed for me to take away the fear of the second death A. O. XXIX Experiences of M. W. I Have from my child-hood desired to serve the Lord and to make his Commandments my rule to walk by and I thought once that I could have said with the young man in the Gospel All these have I kept from my youth But it pleased the Lord to visit me with a grievous sickness even unto death and then my heart told me that I was a great sinner and my conscience accused me that I had
loved the world more than I had loved Jesus Christ Then I was afflicted in my spirit with fear because I could not believe that Jesus Christ had dyed for me I besought the Lord by earnest prayer that he would be pleased to spare me for I found my self to be very unfit for death I made Promises to the Lord that if he did please to spare me I would lead a new life and did resolve to walk more close to my God The Lord was pleased in mercy to hear my Prayer and grant this request and spare me a while longer to serve him in the land of the living But notwithstanding my promises and the great deliverance the Lord had wrought for me in keeping me back from Hell and the Grave I had soon forgotten all I began to love the world again and lived as vainly as before But the Lord smote my conscience and sorely troubled my spirit for this backsliding putting me in mind of the promises I had made to him in my sickness With great bitterness of heart and grief of Soul I mourned for my failings and did again resolve for the time to come to keep more close to God and set a watch over my heart But the more I looked into my heart the more vile I saw my self to be and was greatly troubled that I had so often played the hypocrite with my God I again besought the Lord by prayer that he would be pleased for Jesus Christ his sake to forgive all my sins and backslidings which I then was grieved for with loathing more than ever before My conscience was so wounded and my Soul cast down in so great a conflict that my spirits were almost dryed up and my heart began to grow weary and faint with crying and groaning after my Saviour Yet the Lord was pleased to humble me still more and more and to try me further as gold is tryed in the fire And my afflictions were doubled upon me by Satans malice who tempted me with evil thoughts which was grievous to my Soul When I had prayed with a troubled spirit as well as I could the Devil put thoughts into my mind quite contrary to the frame of a praying spirit When I had read the word of God he tempted me with doubts and questions touching some things therein whether it was truth or not And Satan followed his temptations so close upon me that as soon as the Lord had inabled me to repulse one temptation the Devil assaulted me with another so that I had scarce time to fetch my breath one temptation followed so close upon another Being troubled much in my spirit in this condition I was tempted to discontent that the Lord had not taken away these Temptations from me and in anger fell into some great passions even near unto desperation And I was sorely buffeted by the Devil in this my lowest extremity who assaulted me with fresh temptations of blasphemous thoughts touching God so that when in the bitterness of my Soul I was seeking after Jesus Christ and had named God he would put into my mind the objects of the brute Creatures and even whilst I was pouring out my Soul to the Creator and was pleading a promise he brought a curse to my thoughts Thus was I repulsed in all duties by Satans terrifying my Soul to perswade me that it was in vain for me to seek for Salvation because I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost which God by his word hath declared shall never be forgiven neither in this World nor in the World to come because I was discontented that the Lord after all my addresses to him had not delivered me from all my troubles But the Lord gave me strength to resist Satan and say in the bitterness of my Soul to my God far be it from me O Lord to be offended with thee And the Lord wrought this resolution in my Soul that I did protest before the Lord that although I should see nothing but Hell before me yet I would trust in him and stay my self upon my God until he pleased to send me deliverance I made my case known to a dear friend who gave me some comfort he told me that the sin against the Holy Ghost was to sin wilfully by perpetual despite against God I found a clear testimony in my conscience that I was so far from despiting the Spirit of grace that I had not sinned willingly against God for I found it to be an affliction to me to be tempted with evil thoughts touching the Lord tho' I consented not to them and I found my Soul grieved that I could not be freed from them And then with abundance of tears by often prayers and supplications to the Throne of Grace I poured sorth my sinful Soul at the foot-stool of Gods mercy exalting free grace and pleading the unspeakable riches of the mercies of God that would appear in the conversion of such a sinner as I had been Methoughts it seemed to exalt Gods mercy and to be one of the greatest manifestations of free grace in the world to be to the great glory of the Lord and unspeakable comfort of my poor Soul if he would be pleased to bring me to himself Now when by the Divine power of God my heart was thus resolved to trust in him and to wait upon him then the Lord was pleased to shew me to my comfort the example of Jesus Christ who had no sin in himself yet he was tempted of the Devil And likewise of Paul how Satan sent sent a messenger to buffet him who then prayed unto God and the Lord said my grace is sufficient for thee my power is made known in thy weakness Then I began to be comforted and to think if Christ himself was tempted if the children of God who had been eminent examples had lain under temptations and the Lord according to his promises had strengthned and delivered them there was hope for me And the Lord wrought faith in my heart to believe that he would strengthen me and keep me that I should not perish for ever And I have since found great consolation in many promises which the Lord hath revealed in his Word which I have pleaded before him some of which follow Isaiah 50.10 Who is among you that feareth the Lord and obeyeth the voice of his Servant that walketh in darkness and hath no light let him trust in the name of the Lord and stay upon his God I applyed this promise thus I had walked in darkness and saw no light but God had wrought in my heart to fear him and a willingness to obey my Saviour and a resolution to trust in the name of the Lord therefore I knew it was not in vain to stay my self upon my God And Matth. 12.20 It is said by Christ A bruised reed shall he not break and smoaking flax shall he not quench till he send forth judgment unto victory The Lord having broken and bruised me in
the sense of sin and drawn forth my heart to rely upon him I believed that he would in the end give me victory through Christ and Isa 40.29 He giveth power to the faint and to them that have no might he increaseth strength This promise I laid hold on because Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Mat. 11.28 When I had refreshed my spirit by applying these and some other Promises to my own Soul by faith in the Lord Jesus I found an effect of my faith by that love to God which by his holy Spirit he had wrought in my Soul which appeareth by these particular Evidences 1. I am grieved that I have been so unbelieving towards God and so impatient in my afflictions 2. I am troubled to think that whilst I live here in this mortal flesh I cannot be quite freed from sin but must live to offend so good a God who hath wrought so great a deliverance for me 3. I bless the Lord I can through Divine goodness from the testimony of the blessed Spirit say with comfort the Lord is my God whereby I can cry Abba Father 4. I can I hope willingly deny my self in all things and should the Lord call me to it take up the Cross of my Saviour Jesus to follow him and bless God in all dispensations whatsoever 5. I find a total desire and willingness in my heart to surrender my self to be led by Gods blessed Spirit in all holiness and piety with perseverance that I may live all my days to the glory of my God 6. My affections are more firmly and really knit to God than to any thing so that I can part with any thing for God and I value my interest in God above all things and I find more joy in him than in all things 7. I am not now afraid to dye should God call me that I may go to be with my Saviour for ever 8. I desire to be in love and charity with all men but in an especial manner I do love the godly because in appearance they are the children of God and I desire to feed upon Christ by faith in his Ordinances M. W. XXX Experiences of H. C. AT the beginning of the Civil Wars I as well as others was much frighted and when it was said that such a day the City should be destroyed I was amazed I had been a hearer a great while of very eminent Ministers in the City of London yet profited very little by what I heard For if they preached the mercies of God I feared they did not belong to me because I could not find those qualifications in me which I thought I ought to have if I expected to receive mercy I could rejoyce in hearing of the promises but could not lay hold on them as belonging to me but still I went to hear though with much trouble of mind That day wherein it was said the City should be destroyed I began to call my self to account what would become of my Soul if it should be so I was almost amazed but did much desire of God that he would give me faith and with the Publican I said Lord I believe help my unbelief I then resolved with my self well I will cast my Soul into the arms of God If I perish I perish And through belief in him I was quieted in my spirit at that time But my sense of peace was soon vailed And I was afterward sore afflicted with the fight of my sin and was fully perswaded that I was an Hypocrite and that all that I did was but for fear of Hell then durst I not be any where alone for fear of the sight of the Devil and if I had been at prayer by my self I durst not open my eyes Thus was I perplexed with fear and perswaded my self I should perish my condition was very bitter to me and I did much labour for a resting place for my Soul And being one day at a Funeral the Minister that preached the Sermon shewed the sufficiency of God and the insufficiency of man and that all good came from God He said that it was as possible for that dead man to put life into himself as for any man to gain the least drop of grace of himself for Faith is the gift of God Then I began to consider with my self and to take notice of the promises of God and I would write them to keep them about me I then being a Hearer at St. M. the Minister was much upon the affairs of the times and I was much troubled about what I heard for I found not my Soul satisfied with that matter When I came home I found that my Soul was not able to live with that food and it pleased the Lord to direct me to hear Mr. Sympson at All-hollows Thames Street and he was setting forth the free grace of God to poor sinners And then I began to reason with my self that surely in putting all mercy from me I did dishonour God for he inviteth all to believe his promises And I read that he saith As I live I desire not the death of a sinner And Christ saith he came to save sinners and that the whole need not a Physitian but those that are sick And God hath promised not to break the bruised reed nor quench the smoaking flax and Christ dyed for the ungodly and God is no respecter of persons And Christ promiseth That whosoever comes unto him he will in no wise cast off When I had considered these and other promises And that place where it is said that without Faith it is impossible to please God then I was earnest with God that he would give me faith and sincerity of Heart And that place did much refresh me I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Yet again after all this the sense of mine own unworthiness did much trouble me and I was greatly grieved that I was so cumbred in the world and began to doubt saying sure I have not chosen the better part For sometimes I should rejoyce and praise God being much satisfied from those places of Scripture which say He hath laid our iniquities on him and he hath laid help on him that is mighty And in another place Ye are saved by grace not of your selves it is the gift of God And We have an Advocate with the Father even Jesus Christ the Righteous And he was made sin for us that keew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him And behold the Lamb of God that taketh away the sins of the World But in a short time I should lose all my sense of comfort and than I had sad thoughts musing what God would do with me In the depth of these conflicts at last that place refreshed me where God saith I the Lord change not therefore ye Sons of Jacob are not consumed Though before I was not satisfied that
my faith was true but doubted that surely I had presumed upon false grounds and was much perplexed yet now it pleased God in the midst of my distress to bring to my mind these words The Spirit saith come and the Bride saith come and every one that will come drink of the water of life freely I said of my self I cannot come But I prayed Lord draw me and I shall run after thee And this word was cast into my Soul by the Lord My grace is sufficient for thee only do thou believe And God hath now wrought faith in me and by the testimony of his Spirit hath sealed his love in Christ to me working in my heart so to love him that I have cast my self wholly upon him H. C. XXXI Experiences of T. R. Mariner AT the Age of two and twenty being in the Streights I was taken by the merciless Turks but the power of the Lord delivered me out of captivity by a miraculous way unexpected The Lord giving me grace to call on him gave me a gracious answer That he would never leave me nor forsake me In the War with France on the Coast of Guinea I was taken by a French Man of War and was greatly afflicted for want of food and raiment and other hardships which they laid on me to have turned to their Catholick Religion yet the Lord still promised me that he would give me a deliverance out of their merciless hands who made good his promise to me in a short time blessed be his holy name After this I went a Voyage to Brasile and our Ship being laden we did intend for Portugal but they detained us a whole year so that our Ship was all eaten with worms and we were fain to keep pumping for nine months but the longer the worse for in our passage homeward we could not tell which death to chuse either to starve or to be drowned for our Victuals was so small that for one year and more we had no bread in our Ship but eat the roots of Trees made into a substance like Oatmeal and for Beef one ounce for a man a day which stunk so that none could have eat it but men in our case for Drink we were glad of a pint of water a day during the time of our passage which was seventeen weeks but in this passage we saw the wonderful works of God for he sent us for three eeks in seasonable times fish called Dolphins sometimes two or three in a day And as we grew within three hundred Leagues of the Coast of Portugal and our Provision near spent only three or four days left and all our men sick and weak and almost starved it pleased God of his great mercy to send us a Ship of Flushing a Man of War who proved to us as Joseph to the children of Israel for they brought us Victuals which saved our lives and after they had taken our Ship they were fain to put on board forty men to keep her from sinking for it pleased God that the next day after we had a violent Storm and a great Sea broke upon her so that we thought she would never have recovered her self again for our goods did shut all to one side and so she was fain to go untill she came to Flushing but we poor creatures were in great peril and danger of our Lives and yet the Lord comforted me by his Promise That he would bring me to shore and would deliver my life from death and my eyes from tears and he hath done graciously with me above my deserts and inabled me above my strength and delivered me aâ— my hope therefore will I praise him without measure and magnifie his name without end Three years after this being on the Coast of Ireland it pleased the Lord to raise a violent Storm and in the morning by the dawning of the day we were so near the Shore that to mans judgment there was nothing but death approaching for we knew no place of that Land by reason of the Fogg and Rain that we had all the day and knew not where to go but as the Lord who is the Pilot of Pilots did carry us untill four a clock at Night which in December is dark and then we came to a great high head-land and a little without that lay a great sand so that we could not go any other way but betwixt them being then past all hopes of life we forced her through the Sea so that it brake over our heads insomuch that we could not tell whether we were in the Sea or the Bark but by our feet and hands for we could not see for the violence of the water only he that was at the Helm And yet in the space of a quarter of an hour we were in a safe place newly taken out of the jaws of death So that I of all men have great cause to be always rendring thanks to my God for his continual and most sweet favours unto me sinful wretched and empty man void of all spiritual goodness Furthermore I being after this in a Ship of 300 Tuns lying on the Coast of Virginia wind-bound the space of seven weeks it pleased God to visit our people with the Pestilential Feaver and the Callenture which is a violent Feaver or Madness at first and we had in our Ship two hundred thirty five Souls at that time and it was the will and pleasure of God that we had a hundred of them sick at one time so that we had but few to look 〈◊〉 â—he sick and were in great want of Provisions yet we knew not whether to go but it pleased God to raise a great Storm so that a great Sea brake into our main Sail and we had two foot water between Decks and our poor sick people cryed out they were drowned but within an hour after by the mercy of God we had fair weather and fair wind and within three or four days God set us safe on Land to our great joy and comfort that before were almost past hopes so that he caused us to say with the Prophet David It was good for me that I was afflicted And yet have another choice mercy to make known of what God hath done for me for he hath now called me out of the world but not out of the Land of the living he hath also opened my eyes and made clear my understanding with Mary to chuse the better part and whatsoever the World or Satan can cast upon me it shall all turn to my good for I know that my Redeemer liveth and him my Soul desires to bless and praise which I trust I shall do till my change cometh as God shall inable me and the Lord strengthen my faith XXXII Experiences of T. G. IT hath pleased the Lord God of his own free mercy and love in Jesus Christ to prevent and keep me ever since I was born from many thousand dangers and yet I like an unruly Creature
have kicked at his Fatherly protection and run into many gross and vile sins The first gross one was many kinds of unlawful gaming which held me as a bond-slave near thirty years to the great endangering both of my Body and Soul but yet it pleased the Lord to look graciously upon me and to give me afterwards an hatred against this vice and withal he put into my mind a resolution which I confirmed with a vow as followeth That as I loved God and his Word or my own Soul I would never play at any game for money so long as I lived The Lord was pleased to accept of my good will and blessed me and mine in my lawfull calling many years untill at the last that old Serpent the Devil envying my happy proceedings in this Reformation he drew me into many other sins which had almost brought me to as bad an end as the first But the Lord out of the lowest Extremities gives in remedies to his Children and he gave me an hatred against them also and a Resolution Never to commit them any more Yet about two or three years after that old enemy of mankind Satan that roaring Lion seeking whom he may devour came again with turnings to destroy me perswading me that to drink with my Neighbours was acceptable to God which may be used without excess but I gave will the full reins which brought me back again to my former courses withal annexing wrath and anger to my House and Family perswading me that I must rule in my house which had brought me besides my self had not God helped me who never fails those whom he loves and that put their trust in him For presently upon this extremity he sent this remedy 1. A sight of my sins 2. A grief and sorrow for them 3. A resolution to leave them And 4. The Lord carryed me through a way to leave them which was thus I began to call to mind what was the greatest thing I loved in this World and in the World to come besides those that I named before which I set opposite to these two monsters Then I vowed before the Lord desiring his assistance That as I loved the Holy Ghost the comforter or ever looked to have comfort from the blessed communion of the body and blood of Christ Jesus to cleanse my sins so if I did remember or was in perfect sense I would never drink above two reasonable glasses or cups of Wine or four cups of Beer in any one place or at any one time without any Equivocation And that at any time when I came into the doors of my house if there were any controversie in my Family that then I would with gentle perswasions do my best indeavour to end it And this with Gods help I would perform And I prayed O Lord my God bless my hand and my heart to perform thy will that when any temptation to gaming or drunkenness or lust shall assault me either by thought or any other means that then presently I may fly unto thee in the name of Christ Jesus my Saviour And I do still fly unto God confessing and sorrowing for my sins desiring the Lord to help and assist me to perform and keep all these and in all thing to serve God as long as I live I cannot be so humbled for my sins as I desire yet have I had much trouble for sin and have shed tears many a time and I have been much troubled that my heart cannot be broken enough yet I have had many crosses but I know it is the hand of God and I desire to lye low before him When God first discovered my sins to me I was was much terrified But I have found much comfort in that glorious promise which God made when Adam had sinned that The seed of the Woman should break the Serpents head Gen. 3. And also that sweet Promise declared by the Lord Jesus Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest Matth. 11.28 And Peter declareth saying Repent and be converted that your sins may be blotted out when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord. I have pleaded these and several other promises with God and have by faith trusted in God who bids us cast our care on him and he will care for us 1 Pet. 5.7 And I do believe in God and cast my self upon him knowing all the Promises to be yea and Amen in Christ And I have these effects of Gods gracious spirit working Regeneration in my Soul 1. In that the Lord blessed be his holy name hath so setled my heart on himself that I could leave friends relations and all things for God 2. I find in my heart a real affection and love strongly carryed out to all the children of God and I love to do good to the people of God 3. I take much delight to hear the word of God preached and to partake of duties with the people of God to have communion with God in private duties 4. I am troubled when my heart is cold in duty but much comforted when my heart is inlarged towards God 5. I believe that God will save me through Christ for ever T. G. XXXIII Experiences of M. H. IN my youthful age it pleased God to give me an heart to take delight to hear the Word preached at many places but especially at St. Antholins at the morning Lectures and this I did often for some time untill Satan stirred up many Instruments to call me Puritan with many other reproachful tearms that made me ashamed to go in publick but like Nicodemus by stealth as it were in the dark But it pleased the Lord to convince me of Satans wiles that he was a deceiver from the first and that in hearing the word Preached those that would be Souldiers in Christs School must not be daunted for every foyl and If I did look for Salvation by Jesus Christ I must manfully fight under the Banner of Christ and hold out to the end if I would be saved From the consideration hereof God was pleased to put courage into my heart to hold on in the ways of God and in professing the Gospel which I did though with abundance of weakness and difficulties and thus I did continually go on though darkly until it pleased God to break forth in his most glorious light for by special providence I was brought to see an utter ruine to my Soul without a Christ and tho' I had heard much of Christ by the outward ear yet had I no experimental knowledge of him till the word of Christ shewed me that my condition was such as Paul speaks of to the Ephesians that I was dead in trespasses and sins and except I was quickned by the Spirit and by Faith did bath my Soul in the blood of Christ I was an undone creature notwithstanding all my long hearing the word preached Having then weighed many circumstances and
had conference with many of the people of God both Preachers and others I was very much strengthened in faith and had an assurance of the love of God in Christ Jesus whereby I did find much comfort to my Soul and since hearing some able Ministers of the Gospel hold forth most precious truths I found much comfort And more particularly Mr. Bridges of Yarmouth opening that comfortable Scripture Psal 41.11 Why art thou cast down O my Soul why art thou disquieted within me trust in God c. His Doctrine was That a godly man had no just cause to be discouraged whatsoever his condition was either the sence of sin or the temptations of Satan or trouble or afflictions that a man had cause to be humbled for the least sin but not to be discouraged at the greatest from trusting in God but to rely upon the Lord by Faith in Christ whatsoever his disincouragements were which hath since caused me to walk in a thankful posture towards God for his unspeakable mercy and It is my great grief that I can be no more thankful seeing I have received so much mercy from God whom I do daily offend which hath made me with Paul to cry out O wretched man that I am who shall deliver me from this body of death But that the next words produce comfort blessed be God through Jesus Christ Yet after this it pleased God to suffer me to fall into a sinful condition by being too confident in my own strength which fall cost me abundance of tears sighs and sobbings of heart even as David said to the breaking and drying of my bones It made me walk sadly for many months together even to despair of any help And seeing I had brought so much dishonour to God and scandal to the Gospel and reproach to the Professors thereof this did much press my soul Considering what a Professor I was before in standing for the glory of God and opposing all gainsayers and for me to fall Oh! this did make such gashes in my soul that the consideration thereof caused me to walk sadly and sorrowfully and with so much shame that I could not indure to go in the streets But that urgent ncessity forc'd me to go out for comfort Then it pleased God by special providence to cast me under Dr. Homes his Ministry and he treated on that subject concerning backsliding out of Jer. 14 v. 7. O Lord though our iniquities testify against us yet do thou it for thy name sake for our back slidings are many c. which Sermon was by the working of the Spirit of God effectual unto me for I was almost under despair before but the Lord was pleased to give me much comfort from this Doctrine That Saints may be guilty of many backslidings yet they should not despair for that was a greater sin The Doctor made this Use That if Saints might break their peace wicked and unregenerate men might break their necks A second use was that a Saint should beware of backsliding and make all speed to go to Jesus Christ for more strength to keep and uphold him for the future This did give me some comfort and caused me to set upon the work of seeking to Jesus Christ more earnestly because Christ told Paul that his grace was sufficient for him I had rested in that little mustard-seed-faith I had before but now it did begin to spring and blossom to the praise and glory of Jesus Christ that he should as it were snatch me as a Brand out of those burnings of Hell and establish my poor soul by his free grace to see all my iniquities laid to the charge of Christ as Isa 53. v. 5. All we like sheep have gone astray we have turned every one to his own way and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all Which Scripture being opened by a worthy member of that Church Mr. F. it did much strengthen my Faith in the Application when I came to consider First That it was iniquity that the Lord Jehovah laid on Christ Secondly That it was my iniquity that was thus laid on him Thirdly that it was the Lord himself that did lay it on him And Fourthly That the Lord had done it already it was not now to do All these points did much comfort me seeing they were back'd by Scripture and such a caution given by the Apostle Paul Heb. 3.12 saying Take heed lest there be found in you an evil heart of unbelief c. Which is a great sin and plague to any poor Soul this wrought much with me but then applying several other Scriptures to the everlasting praise of Jehovah and to Jesus Christ my Saviour this scripture was produced in Psal 68.16 compared with the Apostles words speaking of Christ Thou hast ascended up on high and led captivity captive and received gifts for men even rebellious ones that the Lord God may dwell amongst them And that of Ezek. 16.7 8 9 10. A prâ—cious Scripture for troubled souls to be meditated on for comfort That a man being in his filth and guilt and all over with blood nay when no eye would pity him that then was a time of love to his soul Oh! mercy and free grace indeed Then again considering The new Covenant to open blind eyes and to bring prisners out of prison to the glorious light and liberty of the sons of God and his proclamation Isa 55. Ho every one that thirsteth come and in that of Joh. 6. v 37. him that cometh to Christ he hath promised in no wise to cast out Though thy sins he as Crimson and Scarlet yea of such a deep dye as that with Paul I may say to be chief of sinners yet it pleased God to give me in refreshment from he same Scripture About two years since Providence cast my Lot at Westminster where I heard Mr. W. and having observed many honest people at hearing of the Word I then sought to the Lord by earnest prayer so to direct me by his blessed Spirit that my only aims might be for his glory the good of others and with comfort to my own soul It pleased the Lord to direct my heart notwithstanding all opposition of Satan and the persuasion of some others to resolve and to break through all opposition and difficulties and to joyn in the worship of the Lord God of our Fathers and to walk in his ways according to the strictest rule of the Gospel of Jesus Christ held forth in his Word M. H. XXXIV EXPERIENCES of L. P. ABout twenty years since I being then with Child was much troubled at some thoughts which God put into my mind touching my conversation which lay so sore and heavy upon me that I could not tell what to do Because I saw though I endeavoured as much as I could to do my duty to my God yet I was not able to live as I should and then I began to know what the worm of conscience meant I
when God hath taken away my children 3. When I have been under fears that God would take away my deaf husband by some dangerous sickness which he lay under 4. When I have been under great fears in the time of our Civil Wars 5. When I have been under Spiritual Desertion by Gods hiding his face and favour from me or by reason of weakness and wants in grace Or by reason of strong and prevaling corruptions or by reason of Satans temptations In all these Cases I have experienced Gods gracious Dispensations toward me of which I shall set down a few It pleased God for many years to keep me for the most part in a sad and desolate Estate and condition not clearly evidencing the certain assurance of his love to my soul So that many times I questioned whether I was a Child of God or no whether I had part in Jesus Christ or no whether I should ever attain to life and salvation or no and this made me walk with a drooping and disconsolate Spirit so that I could have no sure comfort in any thing But tho' heaviness endured for a night yet joy came in the morning when the Lord caused the light of his countenance to shine upon me which was better than life It pleased God upon the death of my youngest Child that it lay very heavy upon my Spirit in so much that I was brought oft upon my knees to beg support from God and to crave his grace and assistance that I might not break out to speak or act any thing whereby Gods name might be dishonoured or the Gospel discredited And that he would be pleased to make up this outward loss with some more durable and Spiritual good and the Lord was pleased to return a gracious and speedy answer to these my requests for though I lay long under the burden of that loss yet the Lord in his due time did sweetly manifest his special love to my soul assuring me that he was my gracious and reconciled Father in Christ whereby my love to him was much increased and even inflamed so that by his grace it wrought in me more diligence and carefulness to maintain and preserve these Evidences of his love and to yield a lively submission unto his will as well in suffering as in doing As also by avoiding whatsoever might provoke him to withdraw the evidences of his love from me without the sense whereof I could take little or no comfort in any thing And furthermore I bless God for it and speak it to the praise and glory of his rich and free grace my prayers and earnest desires have been answered by God's giving me comfortable assurance both from the testimony of his holy Word and the witness of his blessed Spirit of my eternal and everlasting Salvation in and by Jesus Christ Yet have I not been without fears and doubtings many times through want of looking over my Evidences or by neglecting to keep a narrow watch over my heart or from some weakness of my Faith and all through my own default and negligence the Lord pardon it and make me more circumspect for the time to come By all these I have gained this Experience 1. That God is true and faithful in making good all his promises seasonably unto us As that All things shall work together for our good and that God will never leave us nor forsake us c. 2. That it is not in vain to wait upon God and to seek unto him in our straits who is more ready to hear than we are to ask 3. That I desire to see yea the Lord hath shewed me the vanity and uncertainty of the most satisfying comforts that this World can afford and what an emptiness there is in them that so I may and I desire so to do keep weaned affections toward them and to sit loose from them that I may be ready to part with them when God calls them from me or me from them Again in regard of bodily weekness and sickness my Experiences have been these 1. That as a broken shoulder can bear no burden so the least distemper when the heart is not in a holy frame and temper is a burden insupportable If God hides his face from us and withdraws the evidences of his love and denies to assist us by his strength we can neither do nor suffer any thing And on the contrary I found by experience that I could with much chearfulness holy submission and willingness bear great distempers when I enjoyed the favour of God in them So that then I could readily say Good is the Work of the Lord as well as his Word And I will bear the Indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against him Micah 7.9 And Job 13.15 Though he slay me yet will I trust in him 2. I found by experience also that by my pains and sickness I was the better able to sympathize with and to pity and pray for others in the like case 3. Hereby I learn'd the more to prize health and that upon several accounts namely because in health we have liberty and opportunity to enjoy the Publick Ordinances with others of God's People whereby the Graces of true Christians are quickened strengthened and increased in us which otherwise by reason of our corrupt Natures are apt to grow cold and languish as will our bodies if they want food Again because in health we enjoy the benefit and the comfort of sweet and quiet sleep which much refreshes and cheers and which commonly we want in sickness Lastly Because in health we find sweet satisfying comfort in the use of God's good Creatures whereas in sickness the daintiest food is loathsom and troublesom The consideration of these things made me the more to prize health to be very thankful for it and the more careful to imploy and improve health and strength to God's glory and the furtherance of my own Salvation In regard of publick dangers I have had a great deal of experience of God's goodness toward me and mine several times For when in the begining of the Civil Wars and Distractions 1642. I was sometimes overwhelmed with weak and distrustful fears occasioned by my not acting Faith upon the Promises and not remembring my former Experiences nor considering Gods love power and fidelity to his Children in performing his so many gracious promises made unto them in all estates and conditions and to me among the rest Hereupon I resolved by God's grace and assistance not to give way to this distrust and diffidence praying God to assist me therein and found more courage than formerly so far as I knew my own heart though truly the heart is very deceitful as I have found by sad experience the Lord teach me and inable me to rely upon him with more courage and constancy and more to live by Faith upon his promises than formerly I have done Indeed I have been apt to fall into new fears upon approaching dangers yet upon
successes and glorious deliverances I have oft resolved never to distrust God again and yet my naughty heart hath deceived me and made me ready to faint but this I found by experience to the praise of my God's Free Grace that as troubles have abounded my consolations have abounded much more For God brought seasonably into my mind many precious promises which were as so many sweet Cordials which much supported and comforted my heart and upheld my spirit when new storms have arisen and unexpected deliverances have followed And I have and do resolve by God's Grace not to distrust him any more Yer though more and greater daâ—gers shall arise yet I will trust in him and stay my self upon him Though as Job said he should slay me The good Lord establish my heart in this good and holy resolution who is able to keep us to the end and hath promised that he will preserve us by his power through Faith to the Salvation of our Souls In regard of Satan's Temptations especially concerning my coming to the Sacrament of the Lord's Supper my Experiences have been these Finding often that I was very unable to fit and prepare my self for a comfortable approach to that sacred Ordinance I used to desire the prayers of the Congregation unto God in my behalf and used the best endeavour I could in private as God enabled me though I came far short of what was required and of what I desired So that I did trust and hope through God's mercy to find a comfortable day of it and to have it a sealing Ordinance to my Soul But on the contrary I found much deadness and little spiritual tast relish and comfort in the use of it so that my spirit was oft much troubled and cast down in me fearing lest I had some secret sin undiscovered and unrepented of which caused the Lord thus to hide his face from me But then my gracious God brought this into my mind that the Lord doth sometimes afflict us for the exercise and improvement of our graces as well as to humble us for our sins I also considered that as the Lord doth tender great mercies to us in this Sacrament renewing his Covenant of Grace and sealing to us the pardon of our sins in the Blood of Christ so he gives us leave to ingage our selves by renewing our Covenant with him to believe in him and to trust upon Christ for Life and Salvation And it pleased God to give me Faith to apply this to my own particular Soul and a while after to shew me and to make good to my Soul that precious and comfortable promise That tho' he hides his face from us for a little moment yet with mercy and loving kindness he will return to us again This was a wonderful comfort and support to my dejected heart Blessed be the Lord for ever I desire to treasure up these Experiences that for the future I may in the like case resolve to put my whole trust and confidence in him that so Satan may not intrap me in his snares through unbelief but that I may resist him stedfast in the Faith For I am not altogether ignorant of his devices God's promise is that in all these things we shall be more than Conquerors through him that hath loved us And hath said that This is the Victory whereby we overcome the World even our Faith 1 John 5.4 In the year 1664. there came to us the sad News of the death of my second Son Mr. John Clark a godly faithful and powerful Minister Thus as the waves of the Sea follow one another so God is pleased to exercise his Children with one affliction after another he sees whilst we carry about us this body of sin we have need of manifold Tryals and Temptations as saith the Apostle 1 Pet 1.6 Now for a season ye are in heaviness if need be through manifold temptations to keep us under and to make us the better to remember our selves Indeed it hath been the Lord's course and dealing with me ever since he stopped me in the way as I was posting to Hell to raise up one affliction or other either inward or outward either from Satan the World or my own corrupt heart and nature not having wisdom and grace to behave and carry my self as I ought under his various dispensations and providences as appeared at this time by his laying so great and grievous an affliction upon me in taking away so dear a Son from whom I had much Soul-comfort and ardent affections which he manifested by his fervent prayers for me and by his spiritual Letters and Writings to me wherein he applied himself suitably to my comfort in those inward troubles of heart and spirit that lay upon me This caused my grief and sorrows to take the greater hold on me upon the loss of one who was so useful to me Yet hereby I do not derogate from my Elder Son from whom I have the like help and comfort Upon this sad occasion my grief grew so great that I took no pleasure of any thing in the World but was so overwhelmed with melancholy and my natural strength was so abated that little food served my turn and I judged that I could not live long in such a condition Hereupon I began to examine my heart why it should be so with me and whether carnal and inordinate affections were not the great cause of my trouble which I much feared And having used many Arguments and laid down many Reasons to my self to quiet and moderate my passions yet nothing prevailed to quiet and calm my heart and to bow me to the obedience of Gods revealed Will And withal considering that it was God only that could quiet the heart and set our unruly and carnal affections into an holy frame and order and that he was a present help in time of trouble I often and earnestly sought the Lord with many Prayers and Tears beseeching him to quiet my heart and to over-power and tame my unruly affections so as to be willing to submit unto him and to bear his afflicting Hand patiently and fruitfully and to be ready and willing to submit either in doing or suffering whatsoever he pleased to impose upon me and to be ready to part with the best cutward comfort I enjoyed whensoever he should please to call for the same And it pleased God seasonably to hear my Prayer to regard my Tears and to grant my Requests by calming and quieting my heart and spirit and to give me much more contentedness to submit to his holy Will and good Pleasure who is a God of Judgment and knows the fittest times and seasons to come in with refreshing comforts and who waits to be gracious unto those that trust in him Yet surely I was not without many temptations in this hour of darkness from that subtle Adversary who always stands at watch to insinuate and frame his temptations answerable to our conditions and like a roaring Lion