were Communicated to me in such a manner and measure as unspeakably passeth my Frail Capacity to tell forth or express Which occasioned me to call to Mind my former Wondering and Musing while going on in the way of my Ignorant and Blind Zeal in Serving God before the Spirit of Bondage visited me to think what the Joy of the Holy Ghost should mean Whenever I did Read of the Joy of the Holy Ghost Or did hear any mention thereof Joy of the Holy think I Lord what is that What is the meaning of it I cannot tell or apprehend what this Joy of the Holy Ghost should be Sixthly The Spirit of Adoption was given me whereby I was enabled to come to God's Throne of Grace and with a Holy and Humble Boldness to call him my God and my Father The Instinct in the New Creation wrought by the God of all Grace in me led me to God as the Fountain of all Good The Spirit given me putting into my Mouth Words of Solemn Thanks and Praise for the Greatness and Strangeness of my Salvation To my Knees I betook me Adoreing and Worshipping with my Spirit That Holy Jehovah Trinity in Unity and Unity in Trinity Father Son and Holy Ghost the True and Eternal God Whom all the time of my Blind Zeal and during the time of my Bondage State I had so Ignorantly Worshipped I was now and never before Enabled Jacob like to catch hold of and to Wrestle with a Reconciled God The Greatness Holiness and Infiniteness of his Majesty which before I knew him in Christ terrified and affrightned me with a Witness Animated and Encouraged me in Praying to him It is not to be Exprest in Words with what Alacrity and Chearfulness of Spirit I approached the Throne of Grace and with what Enlargedness and inward Meltings of Heart and Soul I called on God When I did but mention this My God and my Father Oh! what Ravishment of Soul did I Experimentally feel Overflowing and Drowning my very Spirit To my Bed I went with a Glad Ravish'd Heart Christ knows The Burning Inflammation which the Horror and Bondage of my Wounded Despairing Conscience caused in my Body was gon and my Bodys Disposition to Crookedness thought the sinking weight which lay on my Spirit within was Instantly Rebuked and caused to Retreat by the Glad and Joyful Tideings of Gospel Peace which that Night took up its Lodging within me Succeeding and Powerfully Supplanting that Spirit of Bondage which made me so hopeless and as I thought Past all possibility of escapeing Hell No sooner was I stretched in my Bed but Swooning and Fainting Fits of Love Sickness seized me I was Inwardly and Spiritually so Apprehensive of the Mysteriousness of Christs Incarnation his Humbling himself even to Death his lying Confined as a Prisoner in the Grave and his being Raised therefrom again his Ascending to Heaven from whence he came and his Sitting down at the Fathers Right Hand to Enter on the Work of Intercession with God And that as my Surety and Mediator and all for me that I verily thought my Body was near its Dissolution A thing which the clear and certain assurance given me of my being an Adopted Son of God made me even Long and Pant after My Thoughts and Meditations were now wholly Employed about Christ and that Blessed Change which I Sensibly felt was Past on me The sweet and Soul Ravishing Communion I had with Father Son and Holy Ghost was to me instead of Meat Drink and Sleep and that the most Pleasing and Satisfactory that I ever Enjoyed The Actings and Sufferings of Christ in the assumed Nature for me were so realized and the Virtue and Reconciling Efficacy of the same so sensibly set home on my Wounded and Bleeding Soul by the Spirit of Adoption that I thought I had the Person of Christ claspt in my Arms in the Bed Oh! The sweet Intercourses which by the Operation of the Holy Ghost passed between Precious Jesus and my Languid Soul Then was I made to know Experimentally the meaning of Rev. 3. 20. While I was Wakeing I was entertained with strange variety of Interlocution or Discourse which Passed between Christ and me which did Explain and Unfold to me that in Prov. 6. 22. During this I continued in such a Melting Frame that the very Pillow-beer under my Head was as if dipt in a River through the great abundance of Tears of unconceivable Joy which the Sense and feeling of Christ's Love constrained me to shed When I found a necessity of turning in my Bed I could not turn without my Dearly Beloved and Incomparably Loving Jesus in my Arms with me When I Slumber'd and Slept I was soon visited with most Joyful and Ravishing Dreams of God Christ Holy Ghost the Glory of Heaven and the unutterable Bliss and Felicity of those Souls who are Reconciled to God by Christ This was very Frequent and common when Sleep came on me after I had been Sealed in Beleiving And albeit I never durst to heed or mind Nocturnal Dreams yet they have sometimes had such a strange Influence on me that I have felt such delightful Joy and Comfort in my Spirit that sometimes I have been at a stand to think whether I had been asleep or awake It was a frequent Practice with me for some considerable time how long I cannot now Remember to arise in my Bed when I awaked out of My sleep to Bend my Knees and lift up my Eyes Hands and Heart to heaven to Land Praise and Magnify Father Son and Holy Ghost for the greatness and strangeness of my so unexpected and unlook'd for Salvation Being but the Night before yea and every Morning ready to Drop into final Desparation of ever being Saved Oh! What a loss was I at in my self Not knowing how sufficiently to Extol and Bless God for what had now befallen me I was even ready to quarrel with my self because of the narrowness and streightness of my Soul which hindred that I could not take in more of God and go out in more enlarged Expressions of Love and Praises to him For above six Months together I could neither lye down nor arise go down or come up Stairs pass in or out from one place to another but I strongly Conceited that I perceived a Guard of Angels attending my Person It cannot be Expressed with what scorn and abhorrence I look'd on the Pride and Gallantry of the Family where I Lived Their Changeable Suits of Rich and Glittering Apparel with their Choice Meats and sweet Musick with other delightful Pastimes I look'd on and accounted them but as Smoak and Dust The Titles of Worldly Honour wherein the Rest of my Relations did not a little Glory I accounted the same but a meer empty Vanity Oh! think I That my Poor Relations could see taste and feel what I do how would they disrelish and be ashamed and weary of these Poor perishing sensual Delights wherein they Place their Delight and
Achilles I am uncertain but in this of the Wounding and Healing of my Soul I am not more certain of any thing in Nature than I am that the Spirit of Christ which Wounded me by the Law did also Heal me by the Gospel Job 5. 18. For he maketh Sore and Bindeth up He Woundeth and his Hands make whole OBSERVATION IV. See and Learn hence How stedfast and faithful God is to his Word of Promise When for Christ and the Gospel was forsaken and cast off by my Father and all other Fleshly Relations being turn'd out empty handed to the wide World and not knowing whether to go or what to do God took care of me and provided a Lodging and Friends for me which with the Peace of my Conscience gave me more satisfaction and comfortable content than all the Gallantry and Greatness of my Fleshly Relations Those sweet Promises Recorded in the Scriptures and made good by the Providence of God have oftentimes Refreshed and Ravish'd my pensive and weary Soul Psal 27. 10. When my Father and my Mother forsake me then the Lord will take me up Mat. 19 29. And every one that hath forsaken Houses or Brethren or Sisters or Father or Mother or Wife or Children or Lands for my Name 's sake shall Receive an Hundred fold and shall Inherit Everlasting Life Heb. 13. 5. Let your Conversation be without Covetousness and be content with such things as ye have For he hath said I will never never never never never leave thee nor forsake thee The Greek hath no less than five Negatives in this one Scripture to assure the true Believer that God will in no wise forget or forsake him I have been forsaken of my Nurse when but three Months old but I was taken into the Nursery of God's Providential Care which causes in me often to think with Comfort of that in Psal 22. 10. I was cast upon thee from the Womb thou art my God from my Mothers Belly The same Providence which took Care of the Head takes Care also of the Members I was forsaken of my Bodily Physitians But the Great Physitian of Soul and Body Cur'd me by poor Contemptible Snails I was forsaken of my Earthly Father and all Fleshly Relations But God is become by Grace and Free Adoption my Father who will never forske me Totally or Finally I was forsaken by my Brethren and Sisters But those who are the Sons and Daughters of God they are become my Brethren and Sisters And albeit many of them who know me not are on Malicious Reports prejudiced against me yet others of them who know me and Gods dealing with me they Love me dearly I have been forsaken by several of my Church Members in Ireland and England Christ my Lord and Master hath been so before me Jo. 6. 66. From that time many of his Disciples went back and walked no more with him Yet God is my God still I have been forsaken of My Brethren in the Sacred Office and left to stand alone when Popery and Quakerism were coming in like a Floud None stepping in to help or Encourage me against those Adversaries of Gods Religion But he that stood by Paul when all other Preachers in his day forsook him stood by me and emboldned me against their Threats and Malice I had Thoughts of Printing the most material Objections brought in by Satan to distress and distract a poor Sinner to keep him from Christ And how the Spirit of Grace Taught and Enabled me to Answer them all But my intended Brevity hath Prevented me therein All Glory Honour and Eternal Praise to the only Wise and Glorious God Father Son and Holy Ghost Amen Amen Postscript LEst Satan should get an Advantage by this Relation of God's strange and wonderful dealing with me in bringing me Home to Christ in such an unusual manner and his Handling me so sharply by the Spirit of Bondage As also his Bountiful dealing with me in making my Soul the Receptacle of such Ravishing Joy and unutterable Consolation upon Believing in Christ in Effectual Calling I thought it may be seasonable to give the present Caution to the Poor Doubting Tempted Believer who through Satans Subtilty Tempting will find him or her self wretchedly Prone to Conclude from what they read of my Conversion That the Work of true Conversion was never yet effectually wrought in themselves And that because they were never under such Terrible Bondage of Soul Neither ever yet were lifted up so near Heaven as I was Such Poor Tempted Believers are to consider the Particulars following for their help and relief against the Tempter in this Case First Consider That as in Nature there is a vast disparity or difference between Persons in the Natural Birth so there is as vast a difference in the Spiritual Birth Some Women go through abundantly more and sharper Pains and Throws in Travel than others meet with Some Babes meet with greater difficulties and dangers in the Birth than do others The causes whereof in Nature tho they appear not to us yet it is most certain that so it is So in Conversion some Souls pass through greater Horror and Bondage in the Consciences than others do Some are brought as it were through the very Jaws of Hell and desparation as I was others are dealt more easily and gently with Being sweetly allured and as it were insensibly Transplanted into Christ they not well knowing what is done to them Paul and the rugged Jaylor were handled more roughly their Conscience were more deeply Wounded with the frightning Terrors of God's Law set Home by the Spirit of Bondage than Lydia whose Heart the Lord opened with more gentle Touches of his Spirit Acts 9. 6. Acts 16. 15 29. That Woman who is safely Delivered without any danger or great difficulty to herself or her Babe hath no reason to question whether she be indeed Delivered because she went not through such danger and difficulty as her Neighbour did who narrowly escaped with her Life neither hath she any Cause of being Jealous with her Neighbour because her case or condition was more dangerous and desperate in Travel than was her own Thou who art brought to Christ by the gentle Drawings of the spirit of Grace and not brought so nigh to the affrightning sight of Hell And to such a Sense and feeling of the Pains of the Damned As have caused some to think themselves actually in Hell Admire at and Bless God for his Condescention towards thee in bringing thee through the New Birth so easily Secondly Consider That albeit the truth of thy Conversion be not so sensibly discern'd as the Conversion of that Person is who is brought Home in the way of Legal Terror Yet thou art bound to Bless God for the smallest measure of Grace bestowed on thee as the smallest Spark of Fire tho' it be hid under a great heap of Ashes is as truly Fire as the greatest Fire in Nature So thy small Grace which in comparison of some others Grace may be so weak and little that it can scarcely be discerned yet Grace it is tho' thou know it not to be so And he who bestowed it on thee and wrought it in thee he will never reject or neglect thee because of thy little Grace while he sees thee Constant and Diligent in the use of means Labouring to grow in Grace Esa 42. 3. Mat. 5. 6. Esa 41. 17. Phil. 1. 6. Oh! But I do not find that I am brought to Christ and which is far worse I fear I never shall To this I Answer in Two Particulars First Thy very fear about this greatest of Concerns is an Argument of thy Translation from the First Adam to the Second Adam Christ Jesus the Lord. If the Spirit of Grace had not given thee some Sight and Taste of the Excellency and Sweetness of Christ thou couldest never prize or desire after him 'T is only the Child that hath Tasted the Hony or Sugar that Longs and Crys for more Secondly If thou findest a fixt Resolution in thy Soul in going on to seek the Lord. And his Strength by Prayer and Supplication and other means of Grace not resting in or depending upon them but on Christ alone for Life and Salvation My Life for thine come Death when God Pleaseth to send it it will end all thy fears and put thee beyond the reach of all thine Enemies Thy frequent Crying to God in Prayer for Christ and Saving Grace is the Eccho of Christ Praying for thea at the Throne of Grace And thy going on and continuing to Watch at Wisdoms Gates could not possibly be without invisible Supplies of Spiritual Strength Communicated to thy Soul by the Spirit of Christ THE END
Case to be altogether desperate and hopeless It is not to be told by Tongue or Pen what Soul Conflicts and Agonies accompanied me whereever I went and whatever I set about Insomuch that they became frequent and Familiar to me in the very Night Visions The Devil Hell Damnation with the manner how the Wicked are handled in Hell were things very often presented to my Phancy in those short and Tormenting Slumbers whereinto I fell Yea I have sometimes Dreamt that I have seen and felt my self in Hell among the Damned tumbling and sinking down deeper and deeper feeling no Bottom Which hath occasioned me often to think of Job's Case of which he bitterly complains Job 7. 14. Then thou scarest me with Dreams and terrifiest me with Visions As it was with Job so it was with me when I had been even spent with the Conflicts and Temptations of the Day I thought sometimes and hoped at least that my Bed and Sleep would something ease and lessen my Pain and inward horror of Mind But wo and alass I was never wearier of the Fatigue of the Day than I was of the restless Tossings of the Night And that because of those Dreams and Visions which did as it were realize the things themselves to my Mind The consternation into which those Soul afflicting Visions did put me did often startle me out of my Sleep and caused in me restless longings for Day-light and that because I could not employ my Thoughts about any thing but what had a Tendency to augment my Despair and Misery My Thoughts running out and Fixing upon the Sins of my Youth thinking how many and Black they were Calling to Mind the Advances I had formerly made in the way of Strict and Zealous Religion and what Methods and Ways I had used to get Healing and Comfort and all in Vain and to no purpose And that because as I concluded God had given me up to be a Prey to the Enemy Sometimes in the Night when I could not Seep I heard Dogs howle and cry Pittiously in the Cold Weather this I apprehended was a lively Representing to the Ear the Skreeks and Roarings of the Damned in Hell Thus are they in those Eternal Flames and so shall I e're long Oh! That I could but see one glimps of the Morning Light But wo is me Deserted and Forsaken of God I shall be with the Damned in that place of Torment before Morning I shall never see Light Well when contrary to my foolish and wicked Thoughts and Expectations I had Lived to see the Morning Light I would then begin to Reason and Query with my self what I had so earnestly desired the Day for My Day of Grace is certainly past and gone there is no Mercy in store for such a one as I am All the helps and means of Grace which have had a Blessing attending them for special Good to others are attended with a Curse to me I am a Reprobate in vain it is to Pray any more or spend any more time in the Duties of Religion I have had sad experience of that under this Weight would I lye in my Bed concluding it altogether in vain to arise to engage in any Duty This Temptation so far prevailed that I did for a time Refrain Prayer and neglect other Duties of Religion From my concluding that I belonged not to God I found my self like a dead Log as if I had neither Life nor Soul left in me I expected certainly every Hour nay each Minute nay every Breath I fetch'd to be hurried away into the Place and Company of the Damned which caused in me such amazement and unusual horror that I would creep like a Condemned Malefactor into the Chimny corner among the Company there resolving to stay while any stay'd there On purpose to avoid and shun those Damned Spirits whom I expected every twinkling of an Eye to see Among my sad and despairing Thoughts concerning the ineffectualness of all Means and Duties to do me good there did come into my Thoughts a Passage which I had Read in some Author whose Name I have forgot it was this viz. That there are different Degrees of Torment among the Damned in Hell This thing I Fix'd my Thoughts on so long till I did hence Infer and Conclude that seeing there are different Degrees of Torment among the Damned in Hell and that the Damned exceed each other in the Degrees of Sin must necessarily be the Ground and Foundation of such a difference I concluded that the less Sin I committed the less would be my Torment in Hell Now every omission of Duty think I as well as doing what is Possitively forbidden in the Moral Law is a sin against God and therefore to make my Chain the lighter in Hell I am resolv'd against all known Sin And accordingly I fell to Works again perceiving in my self no other Motive or Inducement hereto but meerly expecting and hoping that by this means my being in Hell would be made more tollerable and easie than that of other Reprobates By this very thing it will easily be understood how near I was to final Despair in my own Thoughts and Apprehensions But among all the Combates and Conflicts I met with in the time of my Bondage none more Rackt and tormented my Spirit than those hideous and abominable Thoughts which by the Devil were like Fiery and Poysoned Arrows Injected into my Mind sometimes against the Holy Scriptures as that they were not the word of God but the Cunning and Politick Inventions of Men devised and contrived by some to Awe and keep others in Subjection This Temptation caused no small Anguish and Perturbation in my Mind but did not continue long for though sad and desperate I thought my Case to be I was enabled to Consider what a mighty Power went along with the Scriptures in discovering my most Secret Corruptions and putting my Conscience and Spirit into such fear of what would ensue in Case I did not cofess and forsake them This very Consideration viz. that the Word which discovered to me my vain and sinful thoughts and Condemn'd the ill Life I had led and that laid me under such Captivating horror and fear for the same must needs be the Word of an Infinite All-knowing and powerful God did foil and repel that Temptation No sooner had the first Temptation been over but a Second immediately ensues which was That there is no such thing as a God in Nature and that Mens Believing and Professing the Being of a God was more from use of Custom and from the strong Workings of Phancy than from any real Truth grounded on sensible Experience Oh! The sad Concussion this Temptation gave to the Powers of Nature I was so strangely influenced by it that I solemnly Prosess I felt my self sinking and and just tottering to fall off my Feet All over in a Muck Sweat with a strange Shivering and Trembling in all the Powers and Parts of Soul and Body But
making to a Window looking into a pleasant Garden I leaned on the Window with my Elbows and so bore up my Body from falling which otherwise had undoubtedly sunk down under its present Load and Weight occasioned by that Temptation Remaining for some little space in a horrible Trembling and amazing Consternation of Spirit I looking out into the Garden began began to consider and Reason with my self thus How came these Trees to grow thus orderly in this place Who Rear'd or Built these Sumptuous Buildings Surely not themselves why then think I if not themselvess then of necessity they must Spring from some Cause Higher and more Noble than themselves viz Man Then from the Consideration of the Trees and the Buildings I began to Exercise my thoughts about Man and other Living Creatures thinking thus And how came Man and these other Living Creatures to have a Being surely think I they could neither Form nor Quicken themselves and if so then of necessity there must be some Cause of their Being and Living which is Higher and more Excellent than they which can thinks my Reason be no other but an Infinitely Glorious God And this said Reason in me might be Evinced not only by considering the Particulars already mentioned but by considering the Frame of the World and the strange Preservation of all things therein and the wonderful Government of the Second Causes wherewith the World abounds These and sundry others of the like Arguments proved so Strong and Nervous to convince me that of necessity there must be a God that that Temtation vanish'd The Devil perceiving himself foil'd in this attempt he sets furiously on me with Blasphemous Thoughts Representing God in such vile shapes and hideous and base Ideas to my Mind that were I to undergo the utmost of Misery that Creatures are capable of Inflicting or I capable of Suffering I do humbly hope in Christ's Strength I should unspeakably choose rather to be Rack'd to Death than but once to Name them so vile hideous and horrible were they Proceeding rather from the Enraged and Revengeful Malice of the Devil against the Majesty of God than from the Corruption and Pravity of Nature These things I do but glance or touch at not from any delight I take in the Remembrance of them But rather for the Relief of some poor Tempted Despairing Soul who probably may be conflicting with the same Fiery Assaults concluding within themselves as I often did that none belonging to God could ever be possess'd with such black and dismal Thoughts Oh! the gastliness and fearful Tremblings Oh! the Sweats and Weariness of my very Life which these Satanical Injections caused in me a sure and convincing Argument they were immediately from the Devil and none else The Sins flowing from the Pravity of Nature being commonly rather Pleasing and Delightful than Amazing and Terrifying to Nature In this sad Condition I continued so long till my very Animal Spirits were even drunk up and the Radical moisture of my Body wasted by that Burning Inflammation which I sensibly felt invade and possess my Body The pittiful and deplorable State I was in both in respect of my Soul which I found was Invaded by the Terrors of God for the breach of his Royal Law and as I verily concluded given up to Satan by God in a Judicial way to be possess'd by him As also in respect of my Body in which the sad Symptoms of my approaching Doom did as I verily thought hourly appear such as the growing and encreasing of that Burning Inflammation already mentioned Decay of my Sight which necessitated the use of Spectacles at the Age of 25 Years the loss of my Smelling and Tasting for about three Months with a great decay of my Hearing So gastly a sight was I to behold that I became a Spectacle of wonderment to all the Family where I Liv'd some concluding that I was Starved by my frequent Fastings others verily concluding that Spirits haunted me which caused in me such gastly looks and caused my Body to bend and bow towards Crookedness so heavy and Insupportable was the Load I lay under CHAP. IV. Discovering how the Spirit of Adoption Succeeded the spirit of Bondage And what Glorious effects ensued thereupon THE last Day of my Bondage State when I look'd for nothing but a going down to the nethermost Hell In the unconceiveable Horror and amazing Consternation of my Spirit there was a place of Scripture which run in my Thoughts from Morning to Bed-time The Place of Scripture was Esa 43. 25. I even I am he that Blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Remember thy Sins This Scripture got such hold of my Mind and Thoughts that albeit I no more understood the Sense or meaning of the Spirit of God in it or how it came into my Mind that Day than a Pagan that never knew any thing of the True God I could not possibly keep my Thoughts fixt on any thing all the Day but on that very Scripture Rolling and Tumbling the bare Words in my thoughts incessantly thus I even I am he that blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Rememberthy Sins I even I am he that blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Remember thy Sins And so all the Day till Bed-Time I was somewhat astonished at the Change which I found in my self in reference to my Thoughts about the Scriptures for whereas before during the State of my Spiritual Bondage which was between three and four Years I could think of no Scriptures but such as Treated of Damnation of Falling away and of Sinning against the Holy Ghost always applying the same to my self desperately concluding that my own Doom was in those Terrible Scriptures set forth and discovered I that Day forgot those Terrifying Scriptures and could as I said think of nothing but that Place in Esa 43. 25 above mentioned And that without the least apprehension what the Sence of the Spirit in these Words should be or how or wherefore that Scripture should make such a forceable entry on my Mind and Thoughts as to Eject and Banish from my Thoughts and Remembrance the other Terrible Scriptures By the wrong Application of which my State and Condition became as to my own Sense and Thoughts equal to that of the Damned At Night after my Lord had Supped and while the inferiour of the Family were Actually at Supper I stole my opportunity Resolving in my self that none should know where I was or suspect what I was about up Stairs I got without a Candle the Night being Moon-Shine I was all of a Sweat and a strange Horrour fell on me occasioned by the Conceit and Apprehension I had that the Devil accompanied me as a Man up Stairs whose Steppings along with mine I strongly imagined I heard which caused me to keep my Eyes closed for fear I should see the Devil in a visible Shape While I was unlocking
7. Jo. 16. 14. Jo. 17. 6. Ephes 1. 17. Fifthly He Interrogated or Queried of my Soul as follows 1. Art thou become truly and thoroughly sensible and convinced that thou art by Departing from and Sinning against God an undone miserable and guilty Creature having lost his Blessed Image stamped on thee in Adam thy Natural and Faederal Head in the First Creation And being now become obnoxious to God's Curse and the Wrath to come and Partaker of such a Spiritual Impotency as Renders thee utterly uncapable of doing any thing whereby thou mayst be Delivered out of thy present folorn condition Art thou Conviuced that this thy Misery is of thy own bringing upon thee Sinner Answers O thou Most Holy Just and Tremenduous God! By the Light now Sprung from thee the Fountain of all Light into my Dungeon-like Soul I plainly see what a wretch I am become no way like what thou at first made me in Adam I am likewise fully Convinced that this my Misery was brought on me by my every way voluntary Defection and Apostacy when in Adam's Loins I first yielded to the Motion of the Tempter 2. Art thou Convinced of what the real Desert and Merit of thy Sinning against a Holy and Righteous God is What canst thou say against Gods Casting thee into Hell for that Hellish Rebelon of thine against his Holy and Righteous Law Sin Ans O thou Most Holy and Everlastingly Righteous God who canst not possibly Act amiss in any thing thou dost with thy Creatures I am by the Convincing Power of thy Holy Spirit made Sensible that by my Departing from and Rebelling against thy Majesty I have forfeited that Right I had in Adam to all Good Spiritual and Temporal And shouldst thou Cast me into Hell and Assign me my Portion with the Apostate Angels whose Conduct and wretched Example I followed when I turned my Back on thee thou art and wilt for ever be and remain a Just a Holy and a Most Righteous God my Misery is of my own Procurement and so far am I from reflecting on thee as unjust shouldst thou throw me from thee for ever that I am amaz'd and astonished to think I should be so long out of Hell The Place where I sometimes evenlong'd to be to try whether there was any specifical Difference between the Torments and Miseries of that Place and what I felt in my self while shut up in thy Laws Prison under the sharp and killing Pedagogie thereof 3. Hast thou Viewed and taken notice of that Mediator which I have proposed and discovered to thee in the Gospel Dost thou think or canst thou be perswaded that he can do thy Work for thee viz. Save thee from Curse and Wrath to come and not only so but to Restore thee and bring thee back again to the Favour and Fellowship of God Dost thou see in him an Adequate suitableness to Answer all thy Necessities Sinner Answers O Lord My Eyes are so intent and fix'd on that Mediator that I can have no leisure or spare time to look on any other object in Heaven or Earth never did neither can Men or Angels behold or see such an object except himself The Angels and all the Glory of the whole Creation are but Darkness and Deformity when compared to his Surpassing and Incomparable Amiableness and Loveliness since I had the first glimps of him as held forth and discovered by thy Divine and Efficacious Manifestation I have forgotten my Misery and the fearful Thoughts of Hell and Damnation are swallowed up of the Thoughts and Apprehensions I have of his suitableness to Answer the necessitous Condition of such a Sinner as I am 4. Hast thou Viewed and Observed him so as to like him and choose him for thy Reconciler and Saviour What sayest thou Poor Sinner Wilt thou have him for thine own 'T is Personal Propriety in him that makes the Thoughts and Sight of him Ravishing and Enriching for ever Sinner Answers O Tremendous and Astonishing Mystery of Divine Grace in sending forth from the Father and the Son that Holy Spirit of Promise that by his Illuminating Virtue and quickening Power I might have such a saving Sight of Christ the Saviour as should both beget in me a likeing to his Person and likewise cause in me a burning desire to be Vnited and Married to him I am indeed sick of Love to him and filled with such desires after him as nothing short of a Mystical Vnion to his Most Holy and Glorious Person can satisfy my thirsting Soul 5. Art thou willing that this Mediator shall have the whole Honour of Saving thee by his own Mediatorial Righteousness For As no Righteousness of a meer Creature can stand before the Bar of Gods Infinite and Incomprehensible Holiness and to abide such a Tryal as to be Judged fit and sufficient to Justifie a Sinner before God seeing that the Righteousness to which such Honour is Reserved and Assigned must be the Righteousness of God And also the Righteousness of a sinless Man so this Mediator will become a Saviour to none who will mix or join any thing of their own or other Creatures with his Immaculate and All-sufficient Righteousness The whole and entire Work of Reconciling and Saving Sinners is Devolv'd on him alone He will admit of no Competitor in this Work to which the Father hath Called and Anointed him And the which he himself as Vademony and Surety for God's Elect hath undertaken to go through and Perform What sayest thou Sinner Art thou willing to this Sin Ans O thou Holy of Holy's I see and find so little need of joyning any Righteousness of my own or other Creatures to the Compleat and Perfect Righteousness of this Mediator that I am resolved to look no where else for a Righteousness whereby to be Justified and Saved I am fully Convinced that as he needs no Coadjutor to help him out in this Work of Saving Sinners seeing he is the Holy and Almighty one of God able to Save to the uttermost So I see nothing like a Legal Righteousness which can Answer the Demand of the strict and Righteous Law of God either in my self or any other meer Creature whatsoever Whatever therefore is or can be Suggested or Objected by the Devil or Carnal Reason against this Righteousness of his as Insufficient to Save I am by Strength from above fixedly Resolved to cast my Weary Bleeding Soul thereon come Life come Death 6. There is a thing called the Cross which thou must expect and look to meet with if thou resolve to Live and Reign with Christ in Heaven hereafter Thou must look to Part with all that in this World is Near and Dear to thee for his sake and the Gospels Thou must Sacrifice thy Reputation and Credit among Men. Thou must become willing to be accounted a Fool a Madman a Turbulent Fellow an Enemy to Caesar a Separatist from the Church Thou must not think or look to be advanced to Worldly Wealth and
I was one of that Number whom God the Father Elected and Chose to himself in Christ out of the Corrupted Mass of Fallen Mankind And that before Time began and that my Name was Recorded in Heaven in the Lambs Book of Life 2. He assured me that my Sins and Transgressions committed against the Law and Majesty of Heaven were all laid to the Score of Christ by God the Father And by him as my Vademony and Surety Born and Satisfied for 3. He assured me that the Debt which I had Contracted both in Adam my Natural and Faederal Head and in my own Person was fully Paid and Actually Discharged by my Sponsor and Surety Christ by his Obeying and Keeping the Law perfectly for me and his bearing and undergoing in my Nature the Curse and Wrath of God to which by Sin I became Obnoxious 4. He assured me that God the Father is fully Satisfied with that Obedience Active and Passive of his own Son and that it is for the Worth and Merit of that Obedience that God Justifies and Accepts as Pleasing to him both me and the rest of his Elect for whom alone that Obedience was Performed 5. He assured me that all my Sins how many and great soever are Frankly and Freely Forgiven and Pardoned as if they had never been committed and that not for any Act done by me whether Believing on Christ or Repenting for Sin nor yet for the Sorrows and Miseries I underwent while under the Spirit of Bondage or for any Service to which I should be Called while in a Militant State but for his own Name and Glory sake and on the Account of what his Son my Mediator and Surety had done and suffered in my behalf 6. He assured me that God the Father Loved me with a Real and an Endeared Love before I was Called out of a State of Nature And that the Reason why he handled me so roughly by the Spirit of Bondage was not because he hated me as the Devil and Carnal Reason suggested Or that he might in any measure satisfy his Vindicative Justice for my Sins that being done long before I had a Personal Being But that he might make me the more sensible how hateful Sin is to him being so Contrary to his Pure Spotless and Blessed Nature and so Repugnant and Contradictory to his Holy Just and most Righteous Law As also so Destructive to his Elect whom he so Dearly Loves Also that I might know and become for ever sensible how unspeakably Wretched and Deplorable that State and Condition is into which by Sin Man hath brought himself and out of which no Created Power could possibly Save and Deliver him That I might for ever hate and loath Sin as the worst of Evils and become for ever sensible of the Greatness Goodness Love Mercy Wisdom and the unconceivable and Infinite All-sufficiency of the Glorious and Tremendous Jehovah Father Son and Blessed Spirit who himself without the Counsel or help of Creatures hath contrived and found out such a way of Restoring to his lost Favour his Elect and Chosen in Christ as neither they themselves nor the Angels could ever think of And finally that by his so sharply handleing me way may be made into my Soul for the Manifestation of his Great and Unexpressible Love wherewith he Loves me in Christ to Enter and make its Abode for ever And that from the Experience I have now gotten both by God's Wounding me by the Spirit of Bondage and his Healing and Comforting me by the Spirit of Adoption I might be fitted to speak Experimentally both to the Terrifying and Awakening Secure and Presumptuous Sinners As also to Heal and Comfort Instrumentally Poor Wounded and Bleeding Sinners when Sinking into those Depths of Despondency and Despair out of which the Out-stretched Arm of God's Grace and Almightiness hath Delivered and Rescued poor Sinful Nothing me 7. He assured me that I am now in a Justified Sanctified and Adopted State The lost Image of God being by his Sanctifying Operation Recovered in my Soul in measure 8. He assured me that I shall be made to Persevere and hold out in a State of Grace and that I shall be continued in the Love and Favour of God for ever and ever In despight of all that the Powers of Darkness can Contrive or Act against me 9. He assured me that the Eye of Divine Providence should be Everlastingly fixed on me and the Right Hand of God's Righteousness Everlastingly kept under me for my Security from being in danger at any time of finally Miscarrying or Perishing 10. He assured me that the very Indwelling Corruption in my Nature and whatever Falls or Miscariage which should at any time be occasioned thereby in my Life and Conversation Should with all the Afflictions attending me for the said Miscarriages most certainly and infallibly Work for my Eternal Good and Welfare whatever I my self or others should Judge to the Contrary 11. He assured me that I should meet with great Opposition and Tribulation in the World But that all mine Enemies should find they Laboured in vain For that God was on my side to take my Part against them And who will most certainly Crown all my Streights and Troubles with a happy Success 12. He assured me that God's Special Presence should be so with me in every Change of Condition in this World as that nothing should harm or spoil me Yea that Death it self the last Enemy of Nature should neither Terrify nor Hurt me The Mortal Sting thereof being by the Death of My Redeemer unstung and divested of its Power to harm me or any of Christs Redeemed ones These Particulars Discovered and set home by the Holy Ghost on my Trembling Panting Soul He Working me Powerfully to a Believing each Particular with Application to my self I was immediately surprized with a more Astonishing and overcoming Rapture of Inexpressible Joy than before I had clear manifestations of the Love of God to me in Particular and of the great things done and Prepared for me to make me Everlastingly happy in the Beholding and Enjoying himself as my God and my Father and Portion in Christ for ever According to the Unconditionate Free Covenant of his own Grace Made and Establshed in and with Christ his Son in the behalf of me and the rest of his Elect. No sooner did I look up to God and behold his Reconciled Face Smile on me in the Face of Jesus his Son but I felt such inward Soul Inebriating Joy as I verily thought would cause my very Soul to Fly out of my Body and my Body to burst in sunder The hardness of my Heart under which I Laboured all the time of my Bondage State and which I sensibly felt to grow and encrease as I called to Remembrance the many Follies of Youth and the Holy Law of God whereof those Follies were so many Breaches each Folly Deserving if it were Possible a Thousand Damnations was Melted and Thawn like a
to Truth nor the way to him no more than a Poor Pagan who never heard of him I had such low gross and carnal Thoughts and Apprehensions of the Deity that I am very apt to conclude the very Heathen had far Higher and more Sublimate Conceptions of their Fictitious Gods that I had of that Tremendous and unconceiveably Glorious God whom I so Ignorantly Worshipt I was wonderfully Zealous in all Religious Performances wherein I did at any time Engage both in Private and also in the Publick In my Private Duties I was Marvelously Retired and Secret Being full of Apprehensions how ill Constructions would by all sorts be put upon my so Severe and Strict way of Living and for better accomplishment whereof I singled out a very convenient place then which I thought no place better for my turn and purpose It was in a little Room on the Top of the Castle wherein my Father Lived In that Room I spent the most of my time in Fasting Praying and Reading my Books especially my Darling and chief Admired and Beloved Book viz. Mr. Baxter's Call to the Vn-Converted When I found my self much wearied with Reading I would sometimes divert my self by walking on the Topp of the Castle during which diversion I did often hear the Shouts and enticing Calls of my Wicked Companions to bring me back again to my newly forsaken Sports and sinful Pastime It was no small Matter to encounter with the workings of Nature and the violent Temptations of the Devil both joining together in Suggesting and Framing Arguments to induce to a willing and ready compliance with those Calls and Invitations to what I Lov'd and lik'd as dearly as the daily Food I Liv'd by Oh! the strange workings which I found in my self during those Combates The Ungodly whose Company I had Lov'd and delighted in so dearly Calling and Enviting The strong Bent and inclination of the Flesh drawing And a subtil and violent Devil Tempting and Perswading to return What! Forsake thy dear Companions and thy sweet delightful Sports and Pleasures at this Rate What! To Game or Sport no more for ever Alass Poor Wretch What good wilt thou get by betaking thy self to this Pensive Sad and Melancholly kind of Life Thou hast had Experience of the Sweetness and delightfulness of that way of Living which thou art now forsaking The many and sore Miseries and Troubles attending this new course of Life which thou art so fond of and on which thou art so resolutly bent do not yet appear in their black and formidable Colours therefore be wise in time go back to thy deserted Companions and freely Embrace thy forsaken Sports and Pleasures before thou be'st too far gon in this fond and dangerous way thou art gotten into Or else thou wilt Repent when it is too late Besides these assaults from the Devil and the continual ebullitions of my stinking and vile Nature which did frequently surround me with new and fresh Attacks to draw me back again I met with new and unlookt for Discouragements from my Relations who taking notice of the great and strange Change which evidently appeared in me frequently assail'd my weak and poor beginnings in Piety and Religion with hard Speeches and unbecoming Language against that precise and severe course of Life I had so lately embraced telling me with great asseverations that I should most certainly bring my self to downright Madness by Reading the Scriptures so much Note Reader and Oserve by the way how great an Antipathy there is in the Devil and in Unregenerate Sinners to the Sacred Scriptures a sure Argument that they are the Pure and Infallible Word of God These things accompanied with innumerable Mocks Taunts and Jeers which on all occasions were heaped on my Name and Practice proved some occasion of startling and discouragement to me But the fixt apprehensions I had of being sent to Hell to be Damned in Case I became not and continued a Convert did abundantly out-do all the oppositions which lay or met me in my way of strict and Religious Living On I went notwithstanding the many and great oppositions I found my self encompassed with abounding and encreasing rather than any way declining or abating either in Duties or Ardent Zeal in doing them My proficiency in Morality and the advances I made in Zeal fo the Church and the Liturgie and Service thereof were so Conspicuous and manifest that I became the talk of almost all sorts especially those who stood Related to my Family Letters and Persons who past to and fro giving an Account in City and Country what a strange alteration and admirable change appeared in their Cousen J. B. and what a great and wonderful Practiser of Piety he was become This was so noised abroad that I could scarce look or speak or pass in or out where People were but I had somewhat or other brought into Discourse concerning my forwardness and Zeal in Religion And notwithstanding I was at that time but an Hypocritical Formalist and a Painted Legalist knowing nothing of Jesus Christ and the Covenant of Grace not so much as in the Notion yet I was frequently troubled and exceedingly ashamed to hear mention made of my Activity and Zeal in Serving and Worshipping God So far was I from either designing or desiring to make the World privy to my Intentions of Going to Heaven And that which speaks the thing the more strange is to consider the Circumstances of Time and Place neither of which afforded any thing that might contribute the least part of a Motive or an Inducement to put me on looking towards or so much as thinking of Conversion there being no Preaching in those parts the ordinary means by which Convictions in order to Faith and Conversion are effected Nor yet the Example or Advice and Council of any Person which might occasion in me such thoughts or workings of Soul In this way I contined for about Six or Seven Years after my first awakenings frequenting the Church and its appointed Service and growing blind in Pharisaical Zeal for the Moral Law and Divine Service Book Until I had in my own apprehension and conceit arriv'd at a high pitch of Confidence that I was beyond all dispute really Converted and that consequently I should go to Heaven and be Saved Yea I did frequently reckon and account with my self that if but two in the World should go to Heaven I should certainly be one of the two And that because I was certainly Converted and had taken so much and great pains in doing Good and shunning Evil. I had no Fear or Jealousy lodg'd in me about Gods accepting my Person And his having regard to my numerous and zealous Performances of Duty both Private and Publick My Extraordinary Inclinations to the Ministry and that matchless Zeal which appear'd in me for the Church that Love and Veneration I had for its Liturgie Ceremonies and Clergie especially its Prelacy gave my Father and other Relations great hopes that I
should be an Honour to the Family and a Man of no ordinary Figure in the Orb of the Church CHAP. III. Seting forth the Spirit of Bondage seiz'd me in the very heighth of my Confidence of being in a good and sure state of Salvation What sad work it made with me and what means I used for Help and Relief under its killing and sinking Weight WHen I was about Twenty One Years of Age in the very heat and height of my Zeal in Prosecuting that Righteousness consisting of that Negative and Positive Obedience which the Law Moral enjoyns and requires as the condition of Life and Salvation It pleased God to send forth the Spirit of Bondage to Seize me to the end I might be Instructed and fully convinc'd how vain my Confidence of being Sav'd and going to Heaven in that self pleasing way of Legal Righteousness was The manner of it was thus being on the Day called Easter Monday at my Cathedral Devotion in the Place call'd Christ Church in Dublin a Place I constantly frequented to Morning and Evening Service and a Place which I more Zaelously Lov'd and Venerated than any Place in the World besides For that I verily conceited in my self it was as the very Entrance into Heaven it self After the Service was ended one Dr. Golborn Preach'd his Text was in Ephes 5. 14. Wherefore he saith Awake thou that sleepest and arise from the dead and Christ shall give thee light A Good and Choice Text but how well or ill Handled I must acknowledge my self to have been at that time a very incompetent Judge to say or determine About the middle of the Sermon as near as I could guess there was darted into my mind this sad and killing Thought viz. that I had the day before Received the Sacrament unworthily which sad Thought was back'd with that of 1 Cor. 11. 29 For he that Eateth and Drinketh unworthily Eateth and Drinketh Damnation to himself not descerning the Lords Body This sad and dismal Thought back'd as I said with that Scripture just now Quoted Not any Word spoken by the Preacher was that which seiz'd my Mind and let in the Spirit of Bondage upon me No sooner had I look'd this 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 oâ— â—ore-runner of the Spirit of Bondage in the Face compareing it with the place already mentioned but I concluded my self a lost and an undone man My Spirit was in such an amazing Fright and over whelming consternation to think that I was most certainly Damn'd to all intents and purposes that indeed I verily thought all the People in the place were a swarm or a Legion of Devils which God in revengefull wrath had sent from the Bottomless Pit to guard and attend my Guilty Soul thither The apprehensions I had of being Damn'd and sent to Hell so rack'd and tormented my Spirit that I found my self unable to stay till Sermon was ended Away I ran out of that Place to shun as I then thought those swarms of Devils which I strongly conceived were to guard me to Hell As soon as I came to my Lord of Santry's where I then Liv'd I entered my Chamber with a sad and heavy Heart God knows to my Knees I go with an intent to Pray if so be there might be any scrap of Hope of my escaping being Eternally Damn'd But alass What Tongue or Pen can Relate the Pass and condition I was then at My Reason my Conscience and my very Speech were as it were Plung'd and Drown'd in the Gulph of Despair so that I could neither utter a Word in Prayer nor yet consider what I should do to Relieve my Bleeding Soul in that sore distress I durst not abide in my Chamber fearing to see and feel the Devils actually to Seize me To the Minister of the Parish I went from whose Hands I Received the Sacrament but the Day before not knowing but that he might Administer some kind of Relief to one in my condition He observing the gastliness of my Looks and taking notice that somewhat ailed me he asked me how I did to which I could not Reply He pressing to know what the matter was I at length in a very abrupt and broken manner told him that I was full of the apprehensions and fears that I was a Damn'd Man and that there was no hopes of Mercy for such a one as I was The Minister somewhat surprized at so sudden and so great a Change since but the Day before he began to Examin what great and heinous Sins one of my Age and one in so encouraging Circumstances as I was in could be guilty of which should occasion such sad Despair He mentioned some Texts of Scriptures thereby hoping to have given some Relief to my weary gasping Soul but all in vain God's time of Healing me being not yet come And finding by my frequent coming to him for Ease and Comfort to how little purpose he had laboured with me he at length advised me to Ride into the Country to Visit my Father and other Relations and by that means as also by Exercising my self with such Exercise as I formerly delighted in as Shooting with the Gun and Angling to divert my Melancholy Thoughts This I was glad to hear of my own Inclinations leading so strongly to it in order to the effecting of which I Addressed my self to my Lord's House-Keeper entreating her to acquaint my Lord that in regard of some present Indisposition under which I laboured and in order to my Health I had not only an inclination but was advised to Visit my Father in the Country in order whereto I thought it convenient to acquaint his Lordship therewith to the end I might obtain not only his Lordships free consent but also the liberty of a Horse to perform my intended Journey The House-Keeper no sooner delivered my request to my Lord but my Lord Commands her to call me up into his Chamber As soon as I received the Command I fell immediately into a great Sweat and sore Trembling up I went and being entered into the Chamber my Lord Locks the Chamber Door and laying his Hat on a Cabinet sits down in his Chair and with an earnest and piercing Eye looks on a pretty while before he Speaks I all the while sweating and quaking At length my Lord begins with James what ails you What is the matter I hear you go privately to Ministers there is somewhat ails you What is it I perceiving by my Lord's Discourse that the Minister of the Parish had acquainted my Lord with my Case I found my self far more uneasie than before My Sweat and Trembleings of Soul encreasing upon me My Lord continued querying What ails you James tell me what is the matter I was so overwhelm'd in my Spirit that my Speech was swallowed up as Job saith Job 6. 3. But my Lord not letting me alone but with earnest Importunities pressing to know what I ailed I at length as a poor Condemn'd Caitiff hanging by a