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sincerity_n of_o our_o faith_n and_o repentance_n and_o holy_a obedience_n while_o we_o ascribe_v unto_o our_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n what_o belang_v to_o he_o as_o our_o great_a highpriest_n all_o that_o be_v do_v by_o christ_n without_o we_o in_o order_n to_o our_o salvation_n may_v and_o aught_o to_o be_v distinguish_v from_o what_o be_v do_v by_o the_o spirit_n of_o christ_n and_o his_o grace_n within_o we_o because_o there_o be_v a_o manifest_a difference_n between_o what_o cause_v our_o acceptance_n with_o god_n and_o that_o which_o be_v evidential_a of_o it_o in_o order_n to_o our_o own_o comfort_n his_o example_n in_o the_o strict_a observation_n of_o the_o lord_n day_n and_o conscientious_a faithfulness_n in_o his_o family-relation_n have_v be_v take_v notice_n of_o to_o the_o edification_n of_o many_o the_o
a_o title_n to_o heaven_n or_o that_o we_o have_v not_o but_o pass_v not_o this_o sentence_n with_o self-flattery_n nor_o from_o melancholy_a terror_n and_o fear_n one_a not_o with_o self-flattery_n alas_o what_o will_v it_o profit_v we_o to_o think_v ourselves_o the_o child_n of_o god_n when_o we_o visible_o express_v the_o power_n of_o sin_n and_o satan_n in_o our_o life_n two_o on_o the_o other_o side_n pass_v not_o this_o sentence_n from_o melancholy_a unbelief_n terror_n and_o fear_n as_o the_o carnal_a man_n fail_v the_o former_a way_n so_o the_o tempt_a christian_n sometime_o fail_v this_o way_n in_o this_o case_n run_v we_o over_o our_o evidence_n again_o and_o again_o and_o proceed_v we_o from_o those_o that_o be_v more_o difficult_a to_o those_o that_o be_v more_o easy_a one_o sign_n perhaps_o may_v be_v more_o easy_o perceive_v than_o another_o and_o if_o we_o can_v but_o discover_v some_o yea_o if_o but_o one_o we_o may_v assure_o gather_v all_o the_o rest_n be_v there_o come_v then_o pass_v on_o now_o to_o sentence_n o_o but_o implore_v the_o spirit_n be_v assistance_n now_o if_o ever_o let_v we_o desire_v he_o to_o shine_v on_o our_o grace_n and_o then_o speak_v ground_o and_o deliberate_o and_o true_o as_o we_o find_v according_a to_o our_o very_a conscience_n do_v not_o conclude_v as_o some_o do_v i_o be_o a_o good_a christian_a or_o as_o other_o do_v i_o be_o a_o reprobate_n or_o a_o hypocrite_n and_o shall_v be_v damn_v when_o we_o have_v no_o ground_n for_o what_o we_o say_v but_o our_o own_o fancy_n or_o hope_n or_o fear_n let_v not_o our_o judgement_n be_v any_o way_n biased_a or_o bribe_v from_o sentence_v aright_o then_o he_o further_o advise_v that_o we_o shall_v labour_v to_o get_v our_o heart_n kind_o affect_v with_o its_o discover_a condition_n according_a to_o the_o sentence_n pass_v on_o it_o do_v not_o think_v enough_o to_o know_v but_o labour_v to_o feel_v what_o god_n have_v make_v we_o to_o see_v if_o we_o find_v ourselves_o renew_v and_o sanctify_v indeed_o o_o let_v we_o get_v this_o warm_a and_o close_o to_o our_o heart_n bethink_v ourselves_o what_o a_o bless_a estate_n have_v the_o lord_n bring_v we_o into_o to_o be_v his_o child_n his_o friend_n to_o be_v pardon_v justify_v and_o entitle_v to_o life_n why_o what_o be_v it_o we_o now_o need_v to_o fear_v but_o sin_v against_o he_o come_v war_n or_o plague_n or_o sickness_n or_o death_n we_o be_v sure_o they_o can_v but_o thrust_v we_o into_o heaven_n thus_o let_v we_o follow_v these_o meditation_n till_o they_o have_v leave_v their_o impression_n on_o our_o heart_n then_o he_o advise_v to_o record_v this_o sentence_n so_o pass_v to_o write_v it_o down_o which_o now_o i_o desire_v to_o do_v this_o 18_o of_o august_n 1676._o have_v search_v and_o try_v my_o heart_n yesterday_o and_o at_o this_o time_n also_o after_o i_o hope_v earneft_v and_o hearty_a prayer_n to_o god_n for_o the_o help_n of_o his_o spirit_n to_o try_v my_o state_n and_o condition_n i_o do_v fall_v again_o to_o the_o work_n of_o self-trial_n by_o the_o forementioned_a particular_n and_o though_o i_o can_v full_o declare_v a_o positive_a answer_n to_o every_o question_n yet_o if_o my_o heart_n do_v not_o very_o much_o deceive_v i_o i_o can_v to_o most_o of_o they_o i_o hope_v i_o can_v i_o beg_v of_o god_n i_o may_v not_o be_v deceive_v it_o be_v some_o comfort_n to_o i_o where_o i_o can_v so_o full_o answer_v some_o of_o they_o i_o hope_v i_o can_v true_o say_v i_o most_o hearty_o desire_v it_o may_v be_v so_o with_o i_o and_o though_o grace_n be_v very_o weak_a in_o i_o which_o i_o hope_v i_o desire_v to_o be_v humble_v and_o mourn_v for_o yet_o i_o dare_v not_o deny_v god_n work_n in_o i_o i_o must_v not_o deny_v the_o day_n of_o small-thing_n but_o to_o the_o glory_n of_o god_n must_v own_v sure_o there_o be_v something_o of_o good_a wrought_v in_o i_o by_o his_o holy_a spirit_n and_o my_o comfort_n be_v christ_n will_v not_o quench_v the_o smoke_a flax_n nor_o break_v the_o bruise_a reed_n mat._n 12._o 20._o i_o be_o not_o now_o affect_v with_o the_o discovery_n of_o my_o condition_n as_o i_o shall_v and_o do_v not_o find_v at_o present_a inward_a comfort_n in_o my_o soul_n i_o be_o and_o have_v be_v much_o under_o the_o withdrawing_n of_o god_n for_o a_o time_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o apostasy_n and_o backslide_n from_o he_o and_o not_o walk_v close_o with_o he_o yet_o i_o desire_v i_o hope_v to_o lament_v after_o the_o lord_n and_o not_o content_v myself_o till_o i_o again_o meet_v with_o he_o the_o lord_n give_v i_o grace_n to_o wait_v on_o he_o in_o a_o way_n of_o duty_n and_o to_o act_v grace_n though_o i_o want_v comfort_n o_o if_o i_o be_o but_o sincere_a and_o wait_v still_o upon_o god_n who_o can_v tell_v but_o he_o may_v return_v with_o comfort_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n the_o lord_n help_v i_o to_o maintain_v faith_n and_o hop_v through_o christ_n though_o i_o sit_v in_o darkness_n and_o see_v no_o light_n yet_o to_o trust_v in_o the_o lord_n and_o stay_v myself_o on_o my_o god_n isa_n 50._o 10._o the_o lord_n help_v i_o now_o to_o walk_v answerable_a to_o the_o great_a thing_n he_o have_v do_v for_o my_o poor_a soul_n i_o desire_v and_o hope_v i_o may_v have_v recourse_n to_o this_o hereafter_o as_o i_o shall_v have_v need_n and_o that_o it_o may_v be_v of_o comfort_n to_o i_o for_o the_o time_n to_o come_v as_o mr._n ambrose_n advise_v his_o word_n be_v this_o record_n will_v be_v very_o useful_a to_o we_o hereafter_o if_o we_o find_v we_o have_v a_o work_n of_o grace_n in_o we_o what_o a_o help_n will_v it_o be_v against_o the_o next_o temptation_n to_o doubt_v and_o fear_n to_o go_v and_o read_v under_o our_o hand_n this_o record_n may_v we_o not_o think_v if_o at_o such_o a_o time_n i_o find_v the_o truth_n of_o grace_n be_v it_o not_o likely_a to_o be_v now_o the_o same_o and_o these_o doubt_n to_o come_v from_o the_o enemy_n of_o my_o peace_n yet_o trust_v not_o so_o to_o one_o discovery_n as_o to_o try_v no_o more_o especial_o if_o we_o have_v make_v any_o soul_n defection_n from_o christ_n and_o play_v the_o backslider_n see_v then_o that_o we_o renew_v the_o search_n again_o neither_o let_v this_o hinder_v we_o in_o the_o daily_a search_n of_o our_o way_n or_o of_o our_o increase_n in_o grace_n and_o fellowship_n with_o christ_n it_o be_v a_o ill_a sign_n and_o a_o desperate_a vile_a sin_n for_o a_o man_n when_o he_o think_v he_o have_v find_v himself_o gracious_a and_o in_o a_o happy_a state_n to_o let_v down_o his_o watch_n and_o grow_v negligent_a of_o his_o heart_n and_o way_n and_o scarce_o look_v after_o they_o any_o more_o neither_o shall_v we_o give_v over_o in_o discouragement_n if_o we_o can_v at_o once_o or_o twice_o or_o ten_o time_n try_v discover_v our_o case_n but_o follow_v it_o on_o till_o we_o have_v discover_v it_o if_o one_o hour_n or_o day_n will_v not_o do_v take_v another_o if_o one_o minister_n can_v direct_v we_o sufficient_o go_v to_o another_o the_o issue_n will_v answer_v all_o our_o pain_n there_o be_v no_o sit_v down_o discourage_v in_o a_o work_n that_o must_v be_v do_v if_o we_o have_v be_v hypocrite_n or_o ungodly_a person_n all_o our_o life_n yet_o be_v the_o promise_v offer_v to_o we_o by_o christ_n and_o he_o tender_v himself_o to_o we_o to_o be_v our_o lord_n and_o saviour_n neither_o can_v we_o possible_o be_v so_o willing_a to_o accept_v he_o as_o he_o be_v to_o accept_v we_o nothing_o but_o our_o own_o unwillingness_n can_v keep_v our_o soul_n from_o christ_n though_o we_o have_v hitherto_o abuse_v he_o and_o dissemble_v with_o he_o o_o that_o the_o lord_n will_v persuade_v we_o to_o the_o close_a performance_n of_o this_o self-trying_a task_n that_o we_o may_v not_o tremble_v with_o horror_n of_o soul_n when_o the_o judge_n of_o all_o the_o world_n shall_v try_v we_o but_o have_v our_o evidence_n so_o ready_a at_o hand_n and_o be_v so_o able_a to_o prove_v our_o title_n to_o heaven_n that_o the_o thought_n and_o approach_v of_o death_n and_o judgement_n may_v revive_v our_o spirit_n and_o fill_v we_o with_o joy_n and_o not_o apale_fw-la we_o and_o fill_v we_o with_o amazement_n september_n the_o 19_o 1676._o find_v my_o heart_n very_o hard_a and_o dead_a of_o late_a and_o be_v still_o under_o the_o withdrawing_n of_o god_n but_o i_o bless_v god_n i_o hope_v sensible_a of_o it_o and_o desirous_a to_o wait_v upon_o he_o for_o discovery_n of_o his_o love_n and_o favour_n and_o to_o lament_v after_o he_o and_o seek_v he_o in_o his_o ordinance_n for_o i_o hope_v i_o can_v take_v up_o with_o duty_n without_o something_o
have_v certain_o be_v foil_v if_o god_n by_o his_o omnipotent_a grace_n have_v not_o support_v and_o deliver_v i_o when_o satan_n see_v i_o first_o set_v my_o face_n towards_o heaven_n he_o employ_v all_o his_o skill_n and_o diligence_n to_o hinder_v it_o former_o he_o have_v tell_v i_o i_o need_v not_o repent_v because_o i_o be_v not_o guilty_a of_o gross_a sin_n but_o now_o he_o see_v that_o i_o be_v sensible_a of_o my_o vileness_n and_o sinfulness_n by_o nature_n and_o life_n he_o see_v that_o sin_n be_v my_o burden_n and_o that_o i_o be_v convince_v that_o i_o must_v repent_v or_o perish_v he_o leave_v off_o this_o temptation_n and_o tell_v i_o it_o be_v too_o soon_o to_o repent_v yet_o that_o i_o be_v young_a and_o may_v live_v many_o year_n and_o take_v my_o pleasure_n that_o i_o may_v repent_v when_o i_o be_v old_a or_o upon_o a_o sick_a bed_n to_o that_o end_n he_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o the_o life_n of_o a_o christian_a be_v a_o sad_a uncomfortable_a life_n that_o if_o i_o enter_v upon_o this_o course_n i_o must_v bid_v farewell_n to_o all_o mirth_n and_o pleasure_n and_o spend_v my_o day_n in_o sorrow_n but_o then_o i_o begin_v to_o think_v with_o myself_o that_o it_o be_v better_a to_o do_v so_o than_o lie_v down_o in_o hell-torment_n to_o all_o eternity_n when_o satan_n see_v that_o he_o can_v not_o prevail_v in_o this_o temptation_n he_o find_v out_o another_o he_o go_v about_o to_o persuade_v i_o that_o if_o i_o begin_v to_o walk_v in_o the_o way_n of_o god_n and_o do_v hold_v out_o a_o little_a way_n it_o be_v a_o thousand_o to_o one_o if_o i_o hold_v out_o to_o the_o end_n i_o shall_v certain_o fall_v away_o and_o turn_v apostate_n and_o this_o be_v the_o worst_a condition_n of_o all_o to_o return_v with_o the_o dog_n to_o the_o vomit_n etc._n etc._n he_o bring_v that_o scripture_n to_o my_o mind_n if_o after_o we_o have_v escape_v the_o pollution_n of_o the_o world_n we_o be_v again_o entangle_v therein_o the_o latter_a end_n be_v worse_a than_o the_o beginning_n for_o it_o have_v be_v better_a not_o to_o have_v know_v the_o way_n of_o righteousness_n than_o after_o we_o have_v know_v it_o to_o turn_v from_o it_o he_o follow_v i_o with_o this_o temptation_n but_o it_o please_v god_n by_o his_o spirit_n to_o enable_v i_o in_o some_o measure_n to_o resist_v it_o and_o repel_v it_o for_o i_o be_v persuade_v if_o god_n have_v begin_v a_o good_a work_n of_o grace_n in_o i_o he_o be_v able_a to_o carry_v it_o on_o and_o to_o keep_v i_o from_o fall_v away_o though_o at_o that_o time_n i_o be_v not_o acquaint_v with_o those_o scripture_n that_o prove_v the_o perseverance_n of_o the_o saint_n thus_o be_v i_o trouble_v and_o toss_v with_o various_a temptation_n and_o no_o soon_o rid_v of_o one_o but_o another_o come_v i_o hear_v a_o sermon_n upon_o matth._n 13._o 45._o the_o kingdom_n of_o heaven_n be_v like_o a_o merchantman_n seek_v goodly_a pearl_n who_o when_o he_o have_v find_v one_o of_o great_a price_n go_v and_o sell_v all_o that_o he_o have_v to_o buy_v it_o i_o receive_v much_o light_n and_o comfort_n from_o this_o sermon_n and_o see_v more_o of_o the_o transcendent_a excellency_n of_o jesus_n christ_n who_o be_v the_o pearl_n of_o price_n and_o i_o think_v i_o can_v most_o willing_o part_v with_o all_o even_o life_n itself_o for_o he_o then_o he_o tempt_v i_o to_o question_v the_o truth_n of_o the_o holy_a scripture_n and_o i_o be_v put_v upon_o it_o to_o prove_v they_o to_o be_v the_o word_n of_o god_n this_o i_o be_v not_o able_a to_o do_v therefore_o this_o temptation_n be_v the_o long_a upon_o i_o and_o i_o be_v much_o perplex_v about_o it_o and_o have_v the_o devil_n prevail_v with_o this_o he_o need_v not_o have_v follow_v i_o with_o any_o other_o temptation_n when_o this_o be_v a_o little_a over_o he_o come_v like_o a_o roar_a lion_n ready_a to_o devour_v i_o not_o as_o a_o angel_n of_o light_n but_o show_v himself_o in_o his_o own_o colour_n like_o a_o devil_n he_o assault_v i_o with_o the_o most_o horrid_a atheistical_a and_o blasphemous_a temptation_n that_o be_v possible_a for_o he_o to_o invent_v he_o strike_v deep_a and_o go_v about_o to_o destroy_v the_o foundation_n of_o all_o religion_n he_o tempt_v i_o to_o that_o which_o i_o be_o ashamed_a to_o think_v of_o and_o even_o tremble_v to_o mention_v even_o to_o believe_v there_o be_v no_o god_n nor_o devil_n heaven_n nor_o hell_n though_o i_o do_v not_o believe_v his_o temptation_n nor_o willing_o entertain_v it_o yet_o can_v i_o by_o no_o mean_n be_v rid_v of_o it_o it_o come_v very_o strong_a upon_o i_o follow_v i_o from_o bed_n to_o board_n and_o though_o i_o be_v terrify_v with_o the_o thought_n of_o it_o i_o can_v not_o put_v it_o out_o of_o my_o mind_n and_o i_o be_v in_o great_a perplexity_n of_o spirit_n but_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v secret_o to_o preserve_v i_o and_o support_v i_o under_o these_o grievous_a assault_n and_o in_o some_o measure_n to_o repel_v they_o but_o behold_v the_o policy_n of_o satan_n though_o this_o temptation_n do_v not_o prevail_v it_o make_v way_n for_o another_o which_o present_o follow_v for_o he_o who_o have_v tempt_v i_o to_o have_v such_o horrid_a atheistical_a thought_n now_o begin_v to_o terrify_v i_o for_o they_o he_o set_v sin_n before_o i_o in_o its_o aggravation_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o now_o i_o be_v worse_a than_o the_o very_a devil_n for_o they_o believe_v that_o there_o be_v a_o god_n and_o tremble_v therefore_o i_o then_o think_v i_o shall_v certain_o be_v damn_v that_o i_o be_v past_o all_o hope_n of_o salvation_n i_o look_v upon_o myself_o as_o ripe_a for_o damnation_n and_o ready_a for_o hell-torment_n he_o have_v often_o tell_v i_o it_o be_v too_o soon_o to_o repent_v now_o he_o tell_v i_o it_o be_v too_o late_o many_o scripture_n threaten_n be_v bring_v to_o my_o mind_n that_o do_v exceed_o terrify_v i_o as_o that_o in_o isaiah_n there_o be_v no_o peace_n say_v my_o god_n to_o the_o wicked_a and_o that_o the_o wicked_a shall_v be_v turn_v into_o hell_n and_o all_o the_o nation_n that_o forget_v god_n as_o i_o know_v i_o have_v do_v of_o a_o long_a time_n likewise_o psal_n 50._o 22._o and_o prov._n 1._o 24._o to_o the_o end_n when_o i_o go_v about_o to_o read_v the_o scripture_n than_o that_o place_n come_v to_o my_o mind_n what_o have_v thou_o to_o do_v to_o declare_v my_o statute_n or_o to_o take_v my_o covenant_n into_o thy_o mouth_n psal_n 50._o 16._o when_o i_o have_v thought_n of_o pray_v to_o the_o lord_n for_o grace_n that_o scripture_n come_v fresh_a into_o my_o mind_n the_o prayer_n of_o the_o wicked_a be_v a_o abomination_n these_o with_o many_o other_o scripture_n do_v affright_v and_o terrify_v i_o i_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v i_o see_v myself_o utter_o undo_v without_o a_o interest_n in_o christ_n and_o yet_o i_o dare_v not_o lay_v hold_n on_o he_o for_o salvation_n i_o can_v express_v the_o sorrow_n of_o my_o mind_n under_o these_o strong_a conviction_n and_o various_a temptation_n my_o heart_n be_v fill_v with_o horror_n and_o terror_n day_n and_o night_n for_o some_o week_n together_o o_o the_o depth_n of_o satan_n wiles_n he_o that_o have_v lead_v i_o along_o all_o my_o day_n in_o presumption_n now_o he_o go_v about_o to_o drive_v i_o to_o despair_n how_o hard_o a_o thing_n be_v it_o to_o keep_v between_o these_o two_o extreme_n have_v not_o god_n uphold_v i_o by_o his_o power_n and_o mercy_n i_o have_v certain_o be_v dash_v in_o piece_n between_o these_o two_o rock_n satan_n have_v tempt_v i_o to_o think_v i_o have_v commit_v the_o sin_n against_o the_o holy_a ghost_n by_o my_o atheistical_a and_o blasphemous_a thought_n and_o because_o i_o sin_v against_o so_o much_o light_n this_o be_v a_o great_a and_o sore_o trouble_v to_o i_o and_o a_o heavy_a burden_n upon_o my_o conscience_n this_o scripture_n do_v much_o terrify_v i_o repentance_n be_v hide_v from_o thy_o eye_n and_o another_o he_o that_o believe_v not_o be_v condemn_v already_o and_o the_o wrath_n of_o god_n abide_v on_o he_o i_o look_v upon_o all_o the_o threaten_n as_o speak_v to_o i_o every_o thing_n add_v to_o my_o sorrow_n when_o i_o read_v the_o promise_n they_o administer_v no_o comfort_n to_o i_o but_o rather_o terror_n because_o i_o think_v i_o have_v no_o right_n to_o they_o or_o to_o those_o thing_n they_o assure_v we_o of_o when_o i_o hear_v of_o the_o joy_n of_o heaven_n and_o of_o the_o glory_n of_o it_o it_o increase_v my_o trouble_n to_o think_v there_o shall_v be_v so_o much_o happiness_n and_o i_o have_v no_o share_n in_o it_o but_o must_v be_v banish_v from_o god_n and_o
be_v a_o temptation_n and_o present_o to_o run_v to_o jesus_n christ_n for_o succour_n and_o relief_n and_o to_o apply_v the_o promise_n unto_o my_o soul_n and_o i_o quick_o find_v comfort_n and_o be_v soon_o free_v from_o temptation_n but_o in_o this_o my_o prosperity_n i_o be_v ready_a to_o say_v i_o shall_v never_o be_v remove_v i_o begin_v to_o think_v i_o shall_v never_o be_v in_o adversity_n and_o sometime_o i_o be_v ready_a to_o question_v whether_o i_o be_v one_o of_o god_n child_n because_o i_o have_v no_o affliction_n i_o think_v god_n do_v not_o love_v i_o because_o he_o do_v not_o chasten_v i_o i_o think_v i_o can_v bear_v any_o thing_n he_o shall_v lay_v upon_o i_o as_o i_o value_v not_o life_n so_o i_o fear_v not_o death_n i_o think_v i_o can_v free_o and_o willing_o lay_v down_o my_o life_n for_o christ_n if_o i_o be_v call_v to_o it_o but_o this_o joyful_a lively_a active_a frame_n of_o spirit_n do_v not_o long_o continue_v in_o about_o a_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n it_o begin_v to_o abate_v and_o i_o begin_v to_o be_v more_o cold_a and_o indifferent_a in_o spiritual_a thing_n and_o not_o to_o be_v so_o active_a and_o lively_a as_o before_o this_o be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o i_o and_o make_v i_o to_o question_v all_o that_o be_v pass_v i_o think_v i_o shall_v still_o have_v grow_v better_a and_o better_o and_o not_o worse_o then_o that_o scripture_n be_v terrible_a to_o i_o 2_o pet._n 2._o 29._o if_o after_o they_o have_v escape_v the_o pollution_n of_o the_o world_n through_o the_o knowledge_n of_o our_o lord_n and_o saviour_n jesus_n christ_n they_o be_v again_o entangle_v therein_o and_o overcome_v their_o latter_a end_n be_v worse_a than_o their_o beginning_n and_o that_o scripture_n heb._n 6._o 4._o it_o be_v impossible_a for_o those_o that_o be_v once_o enlighten_v and_o have_v taste_v the_o good_a word_n of_o god_n etc._n etc._n if_o they_o fall_v away_o to_o renew_v they_o again_o to_o repentance_n also_o that_o text_n rev._n 3._o 15_o 16._o because_o thou_o be_v neither_o hot_a nor_o cold_a i_o will_v spew_v thou_o out_o of_o my_o mouth_n i_o be_v much_o sensible_a of_o my_o backslide_n fear_v i_o shall_v turn_v apostate_n have_v not_o that_o sweet_a promise_v interpose_v i_o will_v heal_v their_o backslide_n and_o love_v they_o free_o i_o have_v be_v certain_o swallow_v up_o in_o despair_n satan_n that_o roar_a lion_n come_v upon_o i_o very_o fierce_o but_o that_o scripture_n be_v very_o comfortable_a to_o i_o i_o will_v put_v my_o fear_n into_o their_o heart_n and_o my_o spirit_n into_o their_o inward_a part_n and_o they_o shall_v never_o depart_v from_o i_o and_o who_o he_o love_v he_o love_v to_o the_o end_n and_o he_o that_o have_v begin_v a_o good_a work_n will_v perform_v it_o unto_o the_o day_n of_o jesus_n christ_n and_o faithful_a be_v he_o that_o have_v call_v you_o who_o will_v also_o do_v it_o these_o and_o other_o scripture_n do_v support_v i_o but_o i_o can_v not_o attain_v to_o my_o former_a lively_a performance_n of_o holy_a duty_n nor_o have_v i_o that_o communion_n with_o god_n in_o holy_a duty_n as_o former_o which_o be_v no_o small_a trouble_n to_o i_o and_o keep_v i_o from_o rejoice_v in_o god_n yet_o i_o can_v say_v but_o i_o have_v sometime_o assurance_n of_o god_n love_n but_o not_o constant_o as_o i_o have_v before_o then_o my_o grandmother_n be_v sick_a i_o go_v to_o be_v with_o she_o at_o my_o uncle_n house_n he_o be_v a_o very_a good_a man_n his_o company_n be_v no_o small_a comfort_n to_o i_o my_o grandmother_n also_o be_v a_o very_a pious_a woman_n be_v always_o speak_v of_o what_o be_v good_a i_o enjoy_v much_o of_o god_n while_o i_o be_v there_o but_o yet_o be_v many_o time_n in_o fear_n about_o my_o spiritual_a state_n and_o much_o trouble_v with_o the_o temptation_n of_o satan_n after_o i_o have_v be_v there_o a_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n it_o please_v the_o lord_n to_o visit_v i_o with_o the_o small_a pox_n which_o be_v a_o very_a sore_a disease_n to_o i_o i_o be_v bring_v so_o low_a as_o to_o be_v give_v over_o for_o dead_a by_o most_o if_o not_o all_o that_o see_v i_o and_o once_o they_o think_v i_o have_v be_v actual_o dead_a when_o i_o be_v first_o sick_a i_o begin_v to_o be_v in_o great_a fear_n what_o will_v become_v of_o i_o if_o i_o shall_v die_v but_o this_o cloud_n be_v soon_o blow_v over_o and_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o shine_v upon_o i_o with_o the_o light_n of_o his_o countenance_n and_o speak_v peace_n to_o my_o conscience_n and_o when_o i_o be_v as_o weak_a as_o i_o think_v any_o can_v be_v and_o live_v yet_o have_v i_o then_o much_o inward_a joy_n and_o comfort_n the_o promise_n be_v as_o cordial_n to_o my_o faint_a spirit_n that_o promise_n isa_n 41._o 10_o do_v often_o refresh_v i_o fear_v not_o for_o i_o be_o with_o thou_o be_v not_o dismay_v for_o i_o be_o thy_o god_n i_o will_v strengthen_v thou_o i_o will_v help_v thou_o yea_o i_o will_v uphold_v thou_o with_o the_o right_a hand_n of_o my_o righteousness_n that_o also_o psal_n 73._o 25._o my_o flesh_n and_o my_o heart_n fail_v but_o god_n be_v the_o strength_n of_o my_o heart_n and_o my_o portion_n for_o ever_o so_o psal_n 43._o 5._o why_o be_v thou_o cast_v down_o o_o my_o soul_n why_o be_v thou_o disquiet_v within_o i_o hope_v thou_o in_o god_n for_o i_o shall_v yet_o praise_v he_o who_o be_v the_o health_n of_o my_o countenance_n and_o my_o god_n these_o and_o many_o other_o promise_v be_v my_o support_n in_o the_o day_n of_o my_o distress_n i_o have_v then_o such_o assurance_n of_o god_n goodness_n and_o love_n to_o i_o and_o of_o the_o pardon_n of_o my_o sin_n and_o of_o my_o interest_n in_o christ_n that_o i_o long_v for_o death_n and_o can_v not_o bear_v the_o thought_n of_o live_v any_o long_o i_o have_v such_o fore-tastes_a of_o heaven_n that_o i_o care_v not_o for_o the_o earth_n i_o earnest_o desire_v to_o be_v dissolve_v and_o to_o be_v with_o christ_n which_o be_v best_a of_o all_o i_o think_v if_o i_o shall_v live_v any_o long_a i_o shall_v but_o sin_n against_o god_n and_o that_o i_o can_v not_o glorify_v he_o in_o my_o life_n as_o i_o desire_v i_o think_v if_o he_o shall_v restore_v i_o i_o shall_v not_o be_v enable_v to_o walk_v answerable_o to_o so_o great_a a_o mercy_n these_o and_o other_o such_o reason_n make_v i_o impatient_a of_o life_n and_o long_o for_o death_n i_o be_v angry_a with_o any_o that_o pray_v for_o my_o life_n i_o now_o fear_v that_o i_o do_v sin_n in_o be_v so_o desirous_a of_o death_n and_o not_o submit_v my_o will_n to_o the_o will_n of_o god_n to_o be_v at_o his_o disposal_n whether_o for_o death_n or_o life_n so_o it_o please_v the_o lord_n after_o a_o long_a and_o tedious_a sickness_n to_o raise_v i_o up_o from_o the_o very_a gate_n of_o death_n this_o be_v look_v upon_o as_o almost_o a_o resurrection_n from_o the_o dead_a for_o which_o great_a deliverance_n i_o can_v never_o be_v sufficient_o thankful_a and_o because_o i_o so_o much_o desire_v to_o die_v i_o do_v not_o prize_v my_o life_n and_o this_o deliverance_n as_o i_o shall_v have_v do_v neither_o do_v i_o render_v to_o the_o lord_n according_a to_o the_o mercy_n i_o receive_v from_o he_o i_o desire_v now_o to_o be_v true_o thankful_a to_o the_o lord_n for_o all_o his_o mercy_n and_o to_o show_v forth_o my_o thankfulness_n by_o walk_v more_o close_o with_o he_o all_o the_o day_n of_o my_o life_n the_o follow_a encourage_v consideration_n among_o other_o be_v collect_v by_o he_o out_o of_o several_a book_n and_o sermon_n and_o be_v print_v from_o his_o own_o paper_n in_o hope_n of_o be_v useful_a for_o the_o support_n of_o other_o i._o thou_o that_o complain_v of_o a_o hard_a heart_n and_o fain_o will_v mourn_v for_o thy_o sin_n to_o thou_o i_o say_v be_v not_o discourage_v thy_o hardness_n fear_v and_o feel_v be_v not_o the_o plague_n of_o hardness_n it_o be_v the_o disease_n indeed_o of_o the_o heart_n but_o it_o be_v not_o the_o curse_n it_o shall_v not_o destroy_v thou_o thou_o may_v be_v comfort_v under_o hardness_n feel_v and_o bewail_v and_o pray_v against_o true_a tenderness_n about_o sin_n be_v always_o accompany_v with_o dislike_n and_o hatred_n against_o sin_n and_o with_o watch_v and_o strive_v against_o it_o if_o thou_o have_v so_o much_o tenderness_n bless_v god_n and_o be_v thankful_a ii_o there_o be_v no_o instance_n can_v be_v give_v of_o a_o soul_n utter_o for_o saken_a of_o god_n that_o can_v mourn_v for_o the_o want_n of_o his_o presence_n if_o god_n love_n be_v precious_a to_o thou_o and_o most_o desirable_a be_v