Honour If thou tread in those Steps of Christ which leads to the Heavenly Glory He went to Heaven Antipodes to this vain World wherein thou art So must thou if thou desirest to meet him in Heaven Thou must expect and look to have all the World set against thee for thy Witnessing to the Truth and condemning the Errors and Wickedness of the World Thou must expect and look to be Cast off by Father and all Fleshly Relations for his and the Gospels sake Thou wilt for following Christ in the ways of Holiness be accounted an Hypocrite a self conceited and a self Justifying Precisian and proud Pharisee and that by the greatest Pharisees of the Times The Powers of Darkness will all Combine against thee to Besiege and Fight against thee And yea the very Face of Providence shall seem to Frown and look black on thee to try whether thou wilt stick faithfully to Christ and the Gospel And finally If God call thee to leave all and rather to lay down thy Life than to leave and lose Christ Thou must Trample them all under thy Feet preferring Christ before Father Mother Brethren Wife and Children tho never so Dearly Belov'd yea and thy very Life too What sayest thou to this Sinner wilt thou venture on having or taking Christ on these Terms Sin Ans For ever Blessed and Holy Lord God! Thou knowest how hard this Task is for Flesh and Blood and not only hard but even Impossible yet considering the absolute Necessity of the Choice now laid before me and in regard of that Divine Power whereby I find my Heart made willing to make Choice of Christ on the Terms now mentioned I desire to Choose and have him let God do with me and all that is Dear to me what he Pleaseth so he give me his Christ I am so apprehensive of the Sweet and Soul Enriching Advantages which accompany the Cross that I am very unwilling to be Exempted from it if I may have my own Choice I therefore through the Divine Spirits Gracious Power enabling me hereto do yield my free and full consent to this matchless Match Casting my self on him when actually Married to him in a way of humble dependance for Strength and Power to Act and Suffer a in way of Duty whatever becomes his Disciple and Follower And oh that God above with Christ and the Holy Ghost might say Amen to it Matters being thus Proposed by the Holy Ghost and I the worst and most unworthy of Sinners to be Saved being endued with Power from him to close with the Proposals made I immediately felt my whole Heart and Soul quickned within me and drawn out to an effectual closing with Christ in the offers of the Gospel Like a Ship sticking in the Sand which no Strenght or Art of Men can set a Float till the full Spring Tide come and set her a Float carrying her forth into the Broad Ocean The quickening Virtue of the Holy Ghost and the Attracting Power of the Lord Jesus drew me to believe in him My Soul Crying out with a silent and a still Voice my Lord and my God thou art mine to Save me and I am thine to Serve thee Hereupon I felt as it were another Spirit put into me whereby I was enabled to understand and know the design of the great God in causing so great a Change to pass upon me The Holy Ghost within me Witnessing to his own Work now wrought in my Soul And Sealing me to the Day of Redemption in Believing I felt a Torrent of unspeakable Joy come from above flowing in upon me in such manner and measure as I believe no Saint or Angel in Heaven can set forth or express as I felt it Hereupon I fell into an Holy Extasie and Divine Rapture of unexpressible Joy with these Thoughts and Expressions within my self Oh! What a Change is this which I now sensibly feel A Dead Sinner brought to Life again a Rebel and a Fugitive from God brought Home and Reconciled by the Blood of the Lamb. A Prisoner and a Captive held so long under the killing Terrors of the Law and unmerciful Usurpations and Infernal Assaults of the Powers of Darkness set Free and Manumitted by the Deliverer of Gods Elect. An undone forlorn Sinner shut up under the Power of Vnbelief who a while since would shun and fly from God if he knew how for fear of his Frowns and the Curse due for the breach of his Law Now ready to shoot himself into Heaven and Whimper and Cry like a Child till he be Lodged in the Bosom of God's Love Oh! My Soul Who could have thought of this When the Irons of the Laws Severity had pierced thee so deeply And when the Apprehensions lodg'd in thee of thy being a Reprobate and forsaken of God deliver'd thee up to Desparation The very Portal or Entrance into Hell it self Where am I What is the Matter What am I doing What such a one as I Saved Is it possible Can it be Am I not under a Satanical Dream or Delusion Lord help me to know if it be a Delusion and undeceive me Here I was at a stand for but a little space it was occasioned by my calling to Mind what a deceitful Enemy the Devil is and how near he can go in imitating the Spirit of God in causing flashes of Joy in the Soul of an Awakened Sinner And thinking at the same time whether mine was not so The Spirit of Adoption who began his Good and Blessed Work in my Soul did not leave me in this Cloud But by his own Elucidating and Heart Searching Virtue and Power brings to my Thoughts and Consideration all the Objections which either Devil or Carnal Reason could possibly make against my being Saved by Christ and by manifesting the Fathers Decree and Purpose concerning me in Eternity And laying open the Nature and Design of the Covenant of Grace And the every way Alsufficiency of the Lord Jesus to go through with the Work he hath undertaken for me He fully Answered all Objections and Confuted the False and Sophistial Reasonings brought in by Satan and Corrupt Reason against my being Saved As he most Powerfully convinced me of Sin And the misery which thereby I brought upon my self And that when he became a Spirit of Bondage to fit me for the Great Physitian So likewise now he is become a Spirit of Adoption he as Powerfully convinced me of that Spotless and Everlasting Righteousness of the Mediator God-Man by and for which I was Justified in the Person of my Surety when at his Resurrection God the Father Justified and Acquitted him from all charge of Sin whereto he became liable and obnoxious when he Struck Hands with the Father as a Surety for me and the rest of the Elect. The Twelve Things here following he Particularly assured me of and that as fully and sensibly as ever I was sensible that I saw Natural Light or Darkness 1. He assured me that
Achilles I am uncertain but in this of the Wounding and Healing of my Soul I am not more certain of any thing in Nature than I am that the Spirit of Christ which Wounded me by the Law did also Heal me by the Gospel Job 5. 18. For he maketh Sore and Bindeth up He Woundeth and his Hands make whole OBSERVATION IV. See and Learn hence How stedfast and faithful God is to his Word of Promise When for Christ and the Gospel was forsaken and cast off by my Father and all other Fleshly Relations being turn'd out empty handed to the wide World and not knowing whether to go or what to do God took care of me and provided a Lodging and Friends for me which with the Peace of my Conscience gave me more satisfaction and comfortable content than all the Gallantry and Greatness of my Fleshly Relations Those sweet Promises Recorded in the Scriptures and made good by the Providence of God have oftentimes Refreshed and Ravish'd my pensive and weary Soul Psal 27. 10. When my Father and my Mother forsake me then the Lord will take me up Mat. 19 29. And every one that hath forsaken Houses or Brethren or Sisters or Father or Mother or Wife or Children or Lands for my Name 's sake shall Receive an Hundred fold and shall Inherit Everlasting Life Heb. 13. 5. Let your Conversation be without Covetousness and be content with such things as ye have For he hath said I will never never never never never leave thee nor forsake thee The Greek hath no less than five Negatives in this one Scripture to assure the true Believer that God will in no wise forget or forsake him I have been forsaken of my Nurse when but three Months old but I was taken into the Nursery of God's Providential Care which causes in me often to think with Comfort of that in Psal 22. 10. I was cast upon thee from the Womb thou art my God from my Mothers Belly The same Providence which took Care of the Head takes Care also of the Members I was forsaken of my Bodily Physitians But the Great Physitian of Soul and Body Cur'd me by poor Contemptible Snails I was forsaken of my Earthly Father and all Fleshly Relations But God is become by Grace and Free Adoption my Father who will never forske me Totally or Finally I was forsaken by my Brethren and Sisters But those who are the Sons and Daughters of God they are become my Brethren and Sisters And albeit many of them who know me not are on Malicious Reports prejudiced against me yet others of them who know me and Gods dealing with me they Love me dearly I have been forsaken by several of my Church Members in Ireland and England Christ my Lord and Master hath been so before me Jo. 6. 66. From that time many of his Disciples went back and walked no more with him Yet God is my God still I have been forsaken of My Brethren in the Sacred Office and left to stand alone when Popery and Quakerism were coming in like a Floud None stepping in to help or Encourage me against those Adversaries of Gods Religion But he that stood by Paul when all other Preachers in his day forsook him stood by me and emboldned me against their Threats and Malice I had Thoughts of Printing the most material Objections brought in by Satan to distress and distract a poor Sinner to keep him from Christ And how the Spirit of Grace Taught and Enabled me to Answer them all But my intended Brevity hath Prevented me therein All Glory Honour and Eternal Praise to the only Wise and Glorious God Father Son and Holy Ghost Amen Amen Postscript LEst Satan should get an Advantage by this Relation of God's strange and wonderful dealing with me in bringing me Home to Christ in such an unusual manner and his Handling me so sharply by the Spirit of Bondage As also his Bountiful dealing with me in making my Soul the Receptacle of such Ravishing Joy and unutterable Consolation upon Believing in Christ in Effectual Calling I thought it may be seasonable to give the present Caution to the Poor Doubting Tempted Believer who through Satans Subtilty Tempting will find him or her self wretchedly Prone to Conclude from what they read of my Conversion That the Work of true Conversion was never yet effectually wrought in themselves And that because they were never under such Terrible Bondage of Soul Neither ever yet were lifted up so near Heaven as I was Such Poor Tempted Believers are to consider the Particulars following for their help and relief against the Tempter in this Case First Consider That as in Nature there is a vast disparity or difference between Persons in the Natural Birth so there is as vast a difference in the Spiritual Birth Some Women go through abundantly more and sharper Pains and Throws in Travel than others meet with Some Babes meet with greater difficulties and dangers in the Birth than do others The causes whereof in Nature tho they appear not to us yet it is most certain that so it is So in Conversion some Souls pass through greater Horror and Bondage in the Consciences than others do Some are brought as it were through the very Jaws of Hell and desparation as I was others are dealt more easily and gently with Being sweetly allured and as it were insensibly Transplanted into Christ they not well knowing what is done to them Paul and the rugged Jaylor were handled more roughly their Conscience were more deeply Wounded with the frightning Terrors of God's Law set Home by the Spirit of Bondage than Lydia whose Heart the Lord opened with more gentle Touches of his Spirit Acts 9. 6. Acts 16. 15 29. That Woman who is safely Delivered without any danger or great difficulty to herself or her Babe hath no reason to question whether she be indeed Delivered because she went not through such danger and difficulty as her Neighbour did who narrowly escaped with her Life neither hath she any Cause of being Jealous with her Neighbour because her case or condition was more dangerous and desperate in Travel than was her own Thou who art brought to Christ by the gentle Drawings of the spirit of Grace and not brought so nigh to the affrightning sight of Hell And to such a Sense and feeling of the Pains of the Damned As have caused some to think themselves actually in Hell Admire at and Bless God for his Condescention towards thee in bringing thee through the New Birth so easily Secondly Consider That albeit the truth of thy Conversion be not so sensibly discern'd as the Conversion of that Person is who is brought Home in the way of Legal Terror Yet thou art bound to Bless God for the smallest measure of Grace bestowed on thee as the smallest Spark of Fire tho' it be hid under a great heap of Ashes is as truly Fire as the greatest Fire in Nature So thy small Grace which in comparison of some others Grace may be so weak and little that it can scarcely be discerned yet Grace it is tho' thou know it not to be so And he who bestowed it on thee and wrought it in thee he will never reject or neglect thee because of thy little Grace while he sees thee Constant and Diligent in the use of means Labouring to grow in Grace Esa 42. 3. Mat. 5. 6. Esa 41. 17. Phil. 1. 6. Oh! But I do not find that I am brought to Christ and which is far worse I fear I never shall To this I Answer in Two Particulars First Thy very fear about this greatest of Concerns is an Argument of thy Translation from the First Adam to the Second Adam Christ Jesus the Lord. If the Spirit of Grace had not given thee some Sight and Taste of the Excellency and Sweetness of Christ thou couldest never prize or desire after him 'T is only the Child that hath Tasted the Hony or Sugar that Longs and Crys for more Secondly If thou findest a fixt Resolution in thy Soul in going on to seek the Lord. And his Strength by Prayer and Supplication and other means of Grace not resting in or depending upon them but on Christ alone for Life and Salvation My Life for thine come Death when God Pleaseth to send it it will end all thy fears and put thee beyond the reach of all thine Enemies Thy frequent Crying to God in Prayer for Christ and Saving Grace is the Eccho of Christ Praying for thea at the Throne of Grace And thy going on and continuing to Watch at Wisdoms Gates could not possibly be without invisible Supplies of Spiritual Strength Communicated to thy Soul by the Spirit of Christ THE END
lump of Ice before the warm Sun By the Sense and Perception I had of the Love of God vouchsafed to such a base and deformed Sinner as God knows I was and still am I felt the Servile and Mercenary Frame and Disposition of my Spirit take Wing and that Filial Child like Frame and Disposition of Spirit which is suited to a Gospel Dispensation Succeed in its Room And looking up to Heaven with the Tears flowing from me so extreamly fast that I heard them drop drop upon drop on the Floor where I stood continuing so long that I sensibly felt my Cheeks to Burn and Scald me My Soul in a strange Extasy running over those Particulars which the Holy Ghost had assured me of Here 's the Second Rapture of Joy What Joy like to this I now feel Who can possibly Relate or express it What! Hath God Elected me even me Sinful and Vile me And hath he done it before time And notwithstanding he perfectly knew what I should prove in time Oh! Wonderful Love Why me Lord Why me And not one of the Reprobates in Hell who never Sinned against thee to that Degree that I have And hath God laid mine Iniquities even all my Iniquities on the Back of Christ and Charged them to his Score as my Surety Oh! Amazing Mistery of Divine Love and Grace Who is able to know whether the Father or the Son Loves me Most The Father in Laying my Sins on his own and only Son tho Innocent and Harmless Or the Son in Condescending to Bear them as his own Sins And are all those Sins of mine Discharg'd and satisfied for by the Active and Passive Obedience of Christ my Surety who hath kept the Law for me Oh! Wonderful Condescention both of Father and Son Is it so as I feel it is That God the Father is fully Satisfi'd with that his Sons Obedience And that I am now Justifi'd in his Sight by the Virtue thereof Oh my Soul What Cause hast thou to Rejoyce and Adore God for ever And was the Love of God set on me Even when in a State of Vnregeneracy Who but a Mercenary Legalist will not be hence Convinced of the Orthodoxy and Soundness of that Distinction Which differenceth between the Person of an Elect Sinner and the Sinful Pravity of Nature which Cleaves to him Surely my Soul If God had really hated thee and had he been Wrath with thee as he is with all the wicked Reprobates who have no share in the Redemption of his Son Even then when thou wast un-called he might have sent thee to Hell Who could have hindred him And were the Reasons wherefore he handled thee so roughly by the Spirit of Bondage as have been discovered by the Holy Ghost And not because he hated thee or any way design'd to satisfy his Vindicative Justice for thy Sins What Cause hast thou to Reflect on and Abhor thy self for all thy hard Thoughts and unbecoming Apprehensions which were lodg'd in thee of God and his Dealing with thee And is it certain as most certainly it is seeing God cannot Lye That I Poor Sinful I shall be made to Persevere and hold out in a State of Grace and continue in Gods Favour for ever Oh! What unspeakable cause hast thou to Adore Love and Praise Jehovah to all Eternity And what little Reason hast thou to be discouraged to think of what the Powers of Darkness can do to hinder thy Perseverance And will the Eye of Divine Providence be on me and the Right Hand of God's Righteousness kept under me to Secure me for ever from finally Miscarrying or Perishing How great Encouragement is this to thee my Soul to have the Eye of Faith and Hope Dependingly fixt on the Faithfulness and Almightiness of God seeing the End and the Means are ever Inseparable And hath God that cannot Lye Promised and Engaged that the very Being of Indwelling Corruption with all the Out-breaking thereof in my Conversation As also the many Afflictions attending the same shall infallibly Work for my Eternal Good What Reason have I to Cry out and say with astonishment of Soul Who is a God like unto thee who Pardonest Iniquity and Passeth by the Trasgression of the Remnant of thine Heritage Who out of Darkness producest Light and out of the greatest Evil canst bring the greatest Good And is it so That notwithstanding the many and great Oppositions and Tribulations I am to meet with in the World I shall through Christ accompanying and strengthening me be brought through them and made a Compleat Conqueror in the End How greatly Zealous ought I to be in Loving and Lauding the True and Living God Father Son and Holy Ghost whose Tremendous and Glorious Name is Infinitely Transcending all Praises which Saints or Angels are Capable of giving And seeing that from henceforth till I come to Heaven the special Providence of God will be with me in every Change of Condition so as nothing shall be able to do me Harm What unspeakable Cause have I to fear with a Reverential Holy and Filial Fear the Glorious Name and Infinite Majesty of the Great God And how unbecoming me for whom God hath done so many and wonderful things will it be to Fear either Devils or Men who set themselves against God and his Sons Interest O my Soul Rejoyce now in God who is become thy Salvation and Fear nothing but what may any way grieve his Holy and Tender Spirit Marvelous and unutterable were those Manifestations of Gods Love let out upon me his poor nothing Creature in that Moment of his Spirits Sealing me in Believing and by the Sense whereof the Holy Ghost fill'd up those Vallys and Bottoms in my Soul and Conscience occasioned by the sharp and terrible Workings of the Spirit of Bondage And as the Manifestations but now Mentioned were in themselves Marvelous and Astonishing so were also the Sensible Effects they Produced in me Wonderful and Ravishing Those Effects I Reduce for Orders sake to Six Heads First The Horrour and Guilt of my Conscience was gon which was Succeeded by the Answer of a good Conscience towards God which did inwardly Suggest and Dictate to me That my State and Condition Godward is truely Safe and most Happy Secondly The Spiritual Vail which Covered my Heart and Mind and which kept me from seeing into the Mistery of the Gospel was taken off like Scales or a Web off the Eyes of a Blind Man Whereon I was enabled to See and Behold who and what Jesus held forth in the Gospel is to me Thirdly The Affrighting Distractions and Overwhelming Hurricanes of my Despairing Soul occasioned by my continual expectation of being sent to Hell were turned into an unexpected and Soul surprizing Calm and Sedate Frame of Spirit Fourthly The Spirit of Slavish Fear which on every occasion Tormented and Rackt me vanisht and the Spirit of Power of Love and of a sound Mind was given me Fifthly The Joy and Comforts of the Holy Ghost
were Communicated to me in such a manner and measure as unspeakably passeth my Frail Capacity to tell forth or express Which occasioned me to call to Mind my former Wondering and Musing while going on in the way of my Ignorant and Blind Zeal in Serving God before the Spirit of Bondage visited me to think what the Joy of the Holy Ghost should mean Whenever I did Read of the Joy of the Holy Ghost Or did hear any mention thereof Joy of the Holy think I Lord what is that What is the meaning of it I cannot tell or apprehend what this Joy of the Holy Ghost should be Sixthly The Spirit of Adoption was given me whereby I was enabled to come to God's Throne of Grace and with a Holy and Humble Boldness to call him my God and my Father The Instinct in the New Creation wrought by the God of all Grace in me led me to God as the Fountain of all Good The Spirit given me putting into my Mouth Words of Solemn Thanks and Praise for the Greatness and Strangeness of my Salvation To my Knees I betook me Adoreing and Worshipping with my Spirit That Holy Jehovah Trinity in Unity and Unity in Trinity Father Son and Holy Ghost the True and Eternal God Whom all the time of my Blind Zeal and during the time of my Bondage State I had so Ignorantly Worshipped I was now and never before Enabled Jacob like to catch hold of and to Wrestle with a Reconciled God The Greatness Holiness and Infiniteness of his Majesty which before I knew him in Christ terrified and affrightned me with a Witness Animated and Encouraged me in Praying to him It is not to be Exprest in Words with what Alacrity and Chearfulness of Spirit I approached the Throne of Grace and with what Enlargedness and inward Meltings of Heart and Soul I called on God When I did but mention this My God and my Father Oh! what Ravishment of Soul did I Experimentally feel Overflowing and Drowning my very Spirit To my Bed I went with a Glad Ravish'd Heart Christ knows The Burning Inflammation which the Horror and Bondage of my Wounded Despairing Conscience caused in my Body was gon and my Bodys Disposition to Crookedness thought the sinking weight which lay on my Spirit within was Instantly Rebuked and caused to Retreat by the Glad and Joyful Tideings of Gospel Peace which that Night took up its Lodging within me Succeeding and Powerfully Supplanting that Spirit of Bondage which made me so hopeless and as I thought Past all possibility of escapeing Hell No sooner was I stretched in my Bed but Swooning and Fainting Fits of Love Sickness seized me I was Inwardly and Spiritually so Apprehensive of the Mysteriousness of Christs Incarnation his Humbling himself even to Death his lying Confined as a Prisoner in the Grave and his being Raised therefrom again his Ascending to Heaven from whence he came and his Sitting down at the Fathers Right Hand to Enter on the Work of Intercession with God And that as my Surety and Mediator and all for me that I verily thought my Body was near its Dissolution A thing which the clear and certain assurance given me of my being an Adopted Son of God made me even Long and Pant after My Thoughts and Meditations were now wholly Employed about Christ and that Blessed Change which I Sensibly felt was Past on me The sweet and Soul Ravishing Communion I had with Father Son and Holy Ghost was to me instead of Meat Drink and Sleep and that the most Pleasing and Satisfactory that I ever Enjoyed The Actings and Sufferings of Christ in the assumed Nature for me were so realized and the Virtue and Reconciling Efficacy of the same so sensibly set home on my Wounded and Bleeding Soul by the Spirit of Adoption that I thought I had the Person of Christ claspt in my Arms in the Bed Oh! The sweet Intercourses which by the Operation of the Holy Ghost passed between Precious Jesus and my Languid Soul Then was I made to know Experimentally the meaning of Rev. 3. 20. While I was Wakeing I was entertained with strange variety of Interlocution or Discourse which Passed between Christ and me which did Explain and Unfold to me that in Prov. 6. 22. During this I continued in such a Melting Frame that the very Pillow-beer under my Head was as if dipt in a River through the great abundance of Tears of unconceivable Joy which the Sense and feeling of Christ's Love constrained me to shed When I found a necessity of turning in my Bed I could not turn without my Dearly Beloved and Incomparably Loving Jesus in my Arms with me When I Slumber'd and Slept I was soon visited with most Joyful and Ravishing Dreams of God Christ Holy Ghost the Glory of Heaven and the unutterable Bliss and Felicity of those Souls who are Reconciled to God by Christ This was very Frequent and common when Sleep came on me after I had been Sealed in Beleiving And albeit I never durst to heed or mind Nocturnal Dreams yet they have sometimes had such a strange Influence on me that I have felt such delightful Joy and Comfort in my Spirit that sometimes I have been at a stand to think whether I had been asleep or awake It was a frequent Practice with me for some considerable time how long I cannot now Remember to arise in my Bed when I awaked out of My sleep to Bend my Knees and lift up my Eyes Hands and Heart to heaven to Land Praise and Magnify Father Son and Holy Ghost for the greatness and strangeness of my so unexpected and unlook'd for Salvation Being but the Night before yea and every Morning ready to Drop into final Desparation of ever being Saved Oh! What a loss was I at in my self Not knowing how sufficiently to Extol and Bless God for what had now befallen me I was even ready to quarrel with my self because of the narrowness and streightness of my Soul which hindred that I could not take in more of God and go out in more enlarged Expressions of Love and Praises to him For above six Months together I could neither lye down nor arise go down or come up Stairs pass in or out from one place to another but I strongly Conceited that I perceived a Guard of Angels attending my Person It cannot be Expressed with what scorn and abhorrence I look'd on the Pride and Gallantry of the Family where I Lived Their Changeable Suits of Rich and Glittering Apparel with their Choice Meats and sweet Musick with other delightful Pastimes I look'd on and accounted them but as Smoak and Dust The Titles of Worldly Honour wherein the Rest of my Relations did not a little Glory I accounted the same but a meer empty Vanity Oh! think I That my Poor Relations could see taste and feel what I do how would they disrelish and be ashamed and weary of these Poor perishing sensual Delights wherein they Place their Delight and
Improve that Action to the utmost to the Reproach of Dissenters The which afterward fell out as I feared The Alderman refusing to comply with that my but reasonable Request he alledging for his non-compliance with me that he had none but me whom he could trust in an Affair of that Nature Finding the Ineffectualness of my Endeavours to prevail with the Alderman to Excuse or Exempt me from that Service and his strict Commands being Instant upon me a Writ was taken out of which the said Grundy having notice he Absconds for a time on this I took the two special Bayliffs who were to Execute the Writ with nine or ten of the Village he lived in into the House along with me to Witness that I Seized those Goods which were Visible in the House for the use of Alderman Preston and that for the non-payment of Rent I mov'd no Goods but left them where I found them leaving them to the Disposal of the Alderman Immediately on this the wretched Man contrives with some Papist Russians to lay a Plot against me the Substance of which was that on a Day I entred his House to Distrain for such a Man naming Alderman Preston and meeting with a Cabinet I forc'd the Lock and Stole Three Pound Fifteen Shillings which he said his Witnesses would positively Swear they saw me to Reckon and put into my Pocket forthwith he Rides to a Justice of Peace for a Warrant to Bind me over acquainting the Justice with the whole of the concern in all its Circumstances The Justice tho' Enemy enough on the Account of Religion told him plainly that he would not grant a Warrant against me if he would give him Five Hundred Pounds He goes to a Second to a Third and to a Fourth about the same Errand but from none of them could he get a Warrant to Bind me over they being all affraid to meddle at that time with me whether for fear of my Uncle who was at that time Lord Chief Justice of the Kingdom of Ireland or from any restraint from God on their Spirits I do not know He finding all his Hopes of having me for ever disgraced if not Arraigned for my Life frustrated Prepares a Bill of Indictment to Arraign me at my Uncles Barr the Term next ensuing This Assault I confess was a great Tryal of the little Faith and Patience which the Gift of God handed out to my Poor Soul in the instant of Regeneration as ever I have since met with I have sometimes with Holy David thought that my Mountain in respect of Inward and Settled Peace of Concience should never be shaken or mov'd till this Storm arose And albeit it did not influence my Soul inwardly to shake my Comfort and Confidence in God God and my own Conscience knowing mine Integrity and Innocency in the thing laid to my Charge Yet Considering the Reproach which I apprehended would hence arise to the Name Gospel and People of God the Stain and Scandal it would be to my whole Family no Man can fully conceive the disquietude and shame which took up its Lodging in my Breast Oh! the tossings and workings of my Spirit Lord think I What will this come to Thou knowest mine Innocency in this Matter But the World will readily Believe I am Guilty Blasphemy and sad Reproach will hence Redound to thy Most Holy and Tremendous Name and Gospel which I value unspeakably more than my Life and all the World The truly Godly and Religious the only Men of my delight will with sad Hearts often think how sadly they were mistaken in me what to apprehend this Storm would Issue in any other than what I have already exprest I could not Imagine The guiltless Blushes which daily on this occasion appear'd in my Countenance I concluded would be to all that saw me an Argument of my Guilt The thoughts of the Term approaching encreas'd the Inward Preturbation of my Mind and the Blushings of my Face to think I must stand Arraigned for Felony before a Judge and all my other Relations who but a few Years before had unanimously Censured Condemned and cast me out of their Favours and Affections for being a Phanatick as they term True and Gospel Religion Oh! How close this went secretly wishing but still with humble submission to God that he would please either to break that horrid Plot before I came to be publickly Arraign'd as a Malefactor or else call me off by Death which I did unspeakably prefer before living to be a cause of Reproach and Blasphemy to the Name and Religion of the Most High God As the Term drew very near and the various and restless tossing of my mind on that Account encreased God Infinitely Wise and ever faithful to his Word who best knows how to time Deliverance and break those Nets in which the Enemies hope to catch the Innocent He a very short space before the Term le ts loose the Reins to this wicked Mans Guilty Conscience which wrought so violently with him that all the strength of Reason in him yea the hopes he inwardly cherished of seeing me brought to perpetual Disgrace if not cut off were not able to restrain him from treading the Foot steps of Judas A Rope he gets out he goes to his own Garden in the dusk of the Evening and having fastned the Rope about his Neck just as he was drawing the end of the Rope through the Arm of a Tree on which he designed to Hang himself his Wife and his Man happened to discover what he was about On this the Shout was up and such a Cry made as did presently bring about him all the Neighbours who over powering him prevented his intended design But notwithstanding their cutting the Rope yet could they have no access to that Guilty Conscience of his to asswage or allay the horrible and self Condemning Agonies which like restless Waves and Billows did distract and torment his Soul He being by force stretched on his Bed and with the same Rope he attempted to Hand himself being fast bound to the Bed he fell into raging and desperate Fits like to a Demoniack dashing his Head with all his force against the Bed-Stock Foaming at the Mouth uttering these Words as fast and with a strange vehemency which Frighted all the By-standers as he could viz. I drive away Cows I Sell Cows No I drove away no Cows I Sold no Cows Roger Eckersley and Captain Stopford will give under their Hands that I am an honest man And so in raging Madness expired his last Breath with these Words in his dying Mouth I drove no Cows away I Sold no Cows which were the last Words he spoke The Reader must know that before this Plot designed against my Life and Reputation the same Poor Wretch Commenced a Law Suit against me or which he had not the least appearance of Reason save what he and some others as desperately Wicked as himself had contrived and which was stoutly sworn
Case to be altogether desperate and hopeless It is not to be told by Tongue or Pen what Soul Conflicts and Agonies accompanied me whereever I went and whatever I set about Insomuch that they became frequent and Familiar to me in the very Night Visions The Devil Hell Damnation with the manner how the Wicked are handled in Hell were things very often presented to my Phancy in those short and Tormenting Slumbers whereinto I fell Yea I have sometimes Dreamt that I have seen and felt my self in Hell among the Damned tumbling and sinking down deeper and deeper feeling no Bottom Which hath occasioned me often to think of Job's Case of which he bitterly complains Job 7. 14. Then thou scarest me with Dreams and terrifiest me with Visions As it was with Job so it was with me when I had been even spent with the Conflicts and Temptations of the Day I thought sometimes and hoped at least that my Bed and Sleep would something ease and lessen my Pain and inward horror of Mind But wo and alass I was never wearier of the Fatigue of the Day than I was of the restless Tossings of the Night And that because of those Dreams and Visions which did as it were realize the things themselves to my Mind The consternation into which those Soul afflicting Visions did put me did often startle me out of my Sleep and caused in me restless longings for Day-light and that because I could not employ my Thoughts about any thing but what had a Tendency to augment my Despair and Misery My Thoughts running out and Fixing upon the Sins of my Youth thinking how many and Black they were Calling to Mind the Advances I had formerly made in the way of Strict and Zealous Religion and what Methods and Ways I had used to get Healing and Comfort and all in Vain and to no purpose And that because as I concluded God had given me up to be a Prey to the Enemy Sometimes in the Night when I could not Seep I heard Dogs howle and cry Pittiously in the Cold Weather this I apprehended was a lively Representing to the Ear the Skreeks and Roarings of the Damned in Hell Thus are they in those Eternal Flames and so shall I e're long Oh! That I could but see one glimps of the Morning Light But wo is me Deserted and Forsaken of God I shall be with the Damned in that place of Torment before Morning I shall never see Light Well when contrary to my foolish and wicked Thoughts and Expectations I had Lived to see the Morning Light I would then begin to Reason and Query with my self what I had so earnestly desired the Day for My Day of Grace is certainly past and gone there is no Mercy in store for such a one as I am All the helps and means of Grace which have had a Blessing attending them for special Good to others are attended with a Curse to me I am a Reprobate in vain it is to Pray any more or spend any more time in the Duties of Religion I have had sad experience of that under this Weight would I lye in my Bed concluding it altogether in vain to arise to engage in any Duty This Temptation so far prevailed that I did for a time Refrain Prayer and neglect other Duties of Religion From my concluding that I belonged not to God I found my self like a dead Log as if I had neither Life nor Soul left in me I expected certainly every Hour nay each Minute nay every Breath I fetch'd to be hurried away into the Place and Company of the Damned which caused in me such amazement and unusual horror that I would creep like a Condemned Malefactor into the Chimny corner among the Company there resolving to stay while any stay'd there On purpose to avoid and shun those Damned Spirits whom I expected every twinkling of an Eye to see Among my sad and despairing Thoughts concerning the ineffectualness of all Means and Duties to do me good there did come into my Thoughts a Passage which I had Read in some Author whose Name I have forgot it was this viz. That there are different Degrees of Torment among the Damned in Hell This thing I Fix'd my Thoughts on so long till I did hence Infer and Conclude that seeing there are different Degrees of Torment among the Damned in Hell and that the Damned exceed each other in the Degrees of Sin must necessarily be the Ground and Foundation of such a difference I concluded that the less Sin I committed the less would be my Torment in Hell Now every omission of Duty think I as well as doing what is Possitively forbidden in the Moral Law is a sin against God and therefore to make my Chain the lighter in Hell I am resolv'd against all known Sin And accordingly I fell to Works again perceiving in my self no other Motive or Inducement hereto but meerly expecting and hoping that by this means my being in Hell would be made more tollerable and easie than that of other Reprobates By this very thing it will easily be understood how near I was to final Despair in my own Thoughts and Apprehensions But among all the Combates and Conflicts I met with in the time of my Bondage none more Rackt and tormented my Spirit than those hideous and abominable Thoughts which by the Devil were like Fiery and Poysoned Arrows Injected into my Mind sometimes against the Holy Scriptures as that they were not the word of God but the Cunning and Politick Inventions of Men devised and contrived by some to Awe and keep others in Subjection This Temptation caused no small Anguish and Perturbation in my Mind but did not continue long for though sad and desperate I thought my Case to be I was enabled to Consider what a mighty Power went along with the Scriptures in discovering my most Secret Corruptions and putting my Conscience and Spirit into such fear of what would ensue in Case I did not cofess and forsake them This very Consideration viz. that the Word which discovered to me my vain and sinful thoughts and Condemn'd the ill Life I had led and that laid me under such Captivating horror and fear for the same must needs be the Word of an Infinite All-knowing and powerful God did foil and repel that Temptation No sooner had the first Temptation been over but a Second immediately ensues which was That there is no such thing as a God in Nature and that Mens Believing and Professing the Being of a God was more from use of Custom and from the strong Workings of Phancy than from any real Truth grounded on sensible Experience Oh! The sad Concussion this Temptation gave to the Powers of Nature I was so strangely influenced by it that I solemnly Prosess I felt my self sinking and and just tottering to fall off my Feet All over in a Muck Sweat with a strange Shivering and Trembling in all the Powers and Parts of Soul and Body But
making to a Window looking into a pleasant Garden I leaned on the Window with my Elbows and so bore up my Body from falling which otherwise had undoubtedly sunk down under its present Load and Weight occasioned by that Temptation Remaining for some little space in a horrible Trembling and amazing Consternation of Spirit I looking out into the Garden began began to consider and Reason with my self thus How came these Trees to grow thus orderly in this place Who Rear'd or Built these Sumptuous Buildings Surely not themselves why then think I if not themselvess then of necessity they must Spring from some Cause Higher and more Noble than themselves viz Man Then from the Consideration of the Trees and the Buildings I began to Exercise my thoughts about Man and other Living Creatures thinking thus And how came Man and these other Living Creatures to have a Being surely think I they could neither Form nor Quicken themselves and if so then of necessity there must be some Cause of their Being and Living which is Higher and more Excellent than they which can thinks my Reason be no other but an Infinitely Glorious God And this said Reason in me might be Evinced not only by considering the Particulars already mentioned but by considering the Frame of the World and the strange Preservation of all things therein and the wonderful Government of the Second Causes wherewith the World abounds These and sundry others of the like Arguments proved so Strong and Nervous to convince me that of necessity there must be a God that that Temtation vanish'd The Devil perceiving himself foil'd in this attempt he sets furiously on me with Blasphemous Thoughts Representing God in such vile shapes and hideous and base Ideas to my Mind that were I to undergo the utmost of Misery that Creatures are capable of Inflicting or I capable of Suffering I do humbly hope in Christ's Strength I should unspeakably choose rather to be Rack'd to Death than but once to Name them so vile hideous and horrible were they Proceeding rather from the Enraged and Revengeful Malice of the Devil against the Majesty of God than from the Corruption and Pravity of Nature These things I do but glance or touch at not from any delight I take in the Remembrance of them But rather for the Relief of some poor Tempted Despairing Soul who probably may be conflicting with the same Fiery Assaults concluding within themselves as I often did that none belonging to God could ever be possess'd with such black and dismal Thoughts Oh! the gastliness and fearful Tremblings Oh! the Sweats and Weariness of my very Life which these Satanical Injections caused in me a sure and convincing Argument they were immediately from the Devil and none else The Sins flowing from the Pravity of Nature being commonly rather Pleasing and Delightful than Amazing and Terrifying to Nature In this sad Condition I continued so long till my very Animal Spirits were even drunk up and the Radical moisture of my Body wasted by that Burning Inflammation which I sensibly felt invade and possess my Body The pittiful and deplorable State I was in both in respect of my Soul which I found was Invaded by the Terrors of God for the breach of his Royal Law and as I verily concluded given up to Satan by God in a Judicial way to be possess'd by him As also in respect of my Body in which the sad Symptoms of my approaching Doom did as I verily thought hourly appear such as the growing and encreasing of that Burning Inflammation already mentioned Decay of my Sight which necessitated the use of Spectacles at the Age of 25 Years the loss of my Smelling and Tasting for about three Months with a great decay of my Hearing So gastly a sight was I to behold that I became a Spectacle of wonderment to all the Family where I Liv'd some concluding that I was Starved by my frequent Fastings others verily concluding that Spirits haunted me which caused in me such gastly looks and caused my Body to bend and bow towards Crookedness so heavy and Insupportable was the Load I lay under CHAP. IV. Discovering how the Spirit of Adoption Succeeded the spirit of Bondage And what Glorious effects ensued thereupon THE last Day of my Bondage State when I look'd for nothing but a going down to the nethermost Hell In the unconceiveable Horror and amazing Consternation of my Spirit there was a place of Scripture which run in my Thoughts from Morning to Bed-time The Place of Scripture was Esa 43. 25. I even I am he that Blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Remember thy Sins This Scripture got such hold of my Mind and Thoughts that albeit I no more understood the Sense or meaning of the Spirit of God in it or how it came into my Mind that Day than a Pagan that never knew any thing of the True God I could not possibly keep my Thoughts fixt on any thing all the Day but on that very Scripture Rolling and Tumbling the bare Words in my thoughts incessantly thus I even I am he that blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Rememberthy Sins I even I am he that blotteth out thy Transgressions for mine own sake and will not Remember thy Sins And so all the Day till Bed-Time I was somewhat astonished at the Change which I found in my self in reference to my Thoughts about the Scriptures for whereas before during the State of my Spiritual Bondage which was between three and four Years I could think of no Scriptures but such as Treated of Damnation of Falling away and of Sinning against the Holy Ghost always applying the same to my self desperately concluding that my own Doom was in those Terrible Scriptures set forth and discovered I that Day forgot those Terrifying Scriptures and could as I said think of nothing but that Place in Esa 43. 25 above mentioned And that without the least apprehension what the Sence of the Spirit in these Words should be or how or wherefore that Scripture should make such a forceable entry on my Mind and Thoughts as to Eject and Banish from my Thoughts and Remembrance the other Terrible Scriptures By the wrong Application of which my State and Condition became as to my own Sense and Thoughts equal to that of the Damned At Night after my Lord had Supped and while the inferiour of the Family were Actually at Supper I stole my opportunity Resolving in my self that none should know where I was or suspect what I was about up Stairs I got without a Candle the Night being Moon-Shine I was all of a Sweat and a strange Horrour fell on me occasioned by the Conceit and Apprehension I had that the Devil accompanied me as a Man up Stairs whose Steppings along with mine I strongly imagined I heard which caused me to keep my Eyes closed for fear I should see the Devil in a visible Shape While I was unlocking
the Chamber Door I found the Horror and Fright under which I Laboured greatly to encrease the Devil suggesting that he would either pull me back from entring into the Chamber or else that he would enter along with me to hinder or distract me in my intended Devotion All this while the place of Scripture above mentioned ran still in my Thoughts as before Being entred into my Chamber all in a Sweat and unusual Consternation of Spirit I stood before the Bed-side where I used to kneel in Praying and with my Eyes closed as I was taking my self to Task endeavouring to Recollect my Memory where I had been all that Day With what Company I had Convers'd What Duties I had knowingly omitted And what Immoralities I had any ways consented to All on a sudden I found the Eyes of my Understanding so clearly Enlightned that I was enabled to know and understand the meaning of that Place of Scripture which run all that Day in my Thoughts A Scripture than which The whole Book of God could not afford a more suitable Text for the design therein which was to debase the Creature and to Extol and to Advance the Grace and Mercy of the Most High Jehovah who alone Excluding all others is God over all Blessed for Evermore I was from the time of my first awakening as above mentioned possess'd of an Opinion that Conversion consisted in an External or outward Reformation of the Life and that it was in the Power of the Creature to effect the same And that by Repenting of the by-past Follies of Youth and by a Strenuous and Zealous Constancy in walking strictly according to the Precepts of the Moral Law both negatively and possitively for the time to come I was then under the Predominancy of a legal Spirit and acting under the Covenant of Works looking with the Bond-Womans Children for Justification and Life Eternal in the way of Works Reckoning it the only sure and safe way to expect Salvation by performing the Conditinal Covenant of Works and abounding in such personal Qulifications as might render me acceptable to God Of which I have often thought I had as great measure as any he I knew Living I shall not Insist on the Particulars of those Inherent Qualifications wherein I am apt to believe I did match if not out strip the strictest Moralist I know who is yet in his Natural State In short I was exceeding Zealous in the Law not in the least understanding the Spiritual meaning thereof or how miserably wretched I was by reason of its Condemning Sentence against not only my worst but also against my most Refined Acts of Morality I did then as too to many do at this Day of Gospel Light viz. set up the Letter of the Law in opposition to the Spirit of the Law But so it pleased God that by his enabling me to understand the Mind of his Spirit in that Text I soon became convinced that I had taken wrong Methods in order to get from under the Laws Curse and to have a Settled Peace in my self The Course I had taken for Relieving my wounded and sinking Spirit I perceived to be directly contrary to the Gospel way of saveing lost Sinners I was all for Doing and Working and the more Works I did the farther I found my self from true Peace and Comfort My Chief and only Work now was Believing in the Son of God in whom alone that Righteousness is to be found which Reconciles a Sinner to an offended God From that Text above mentioned the Covenant of God's Free Grace in Christ was Explained and laid open before the Eyes of my Enlightned Understanding the Terms whereof I found were as far wide of or contrary to the way to which the Covenant of Works directs for attaining Life Eternal as the East is from the West or as Heaven is from Hell The Work of the Spirit in discovering Christ to me from that Text and his drawing me to close with Christ so discovered was so ful of amazing and astonishing Wonderment and surprizing Ravishment of Soul that I am no mroe able to Express or Relate the same than I am able to find out the Dimensions of the Sun or to give an exact account of the Number of the Stars There was held as it were a Court of Enquiry in my Soul The Holy Ghost which before was the Spirit of Bondage wounding and killing me by the Terrible Sentence of the Law He is become the Spirit of Adoption to Consummate a Sweet and Blessed Marriage between the Lord Jesus Christ God's only Son by Eternal and Ineffable Generation and a poor lost and undone Prodigal who as Adam's Child was Born Heir of the Curse Partaker of a Nature as Vile and Poluted as Hell it self could make it and whose Case and Condition in respect of inward Horrour and Despair of Soul differed but little at least as I thought and believed from that of the Damned in Hell Six Things this Blessed Spirit of Adoption did effect in order to Consummate this Match First He discovered and made known to me who the Lord Jesus held forth in the Gospel was from whence he came and to what end the Father sent him Secondly He made plain Discoveries to me of Christ's Almightiness to Save and Reconcile to God the worst and most wretched of Sinners and that the Righteousness which he as Mediator between God and Sinners hath wrought is the alone Righteousness by which a Sinner is to be Saved And that in a way of Believing though not for Believing that God for the sake and merrit of his Sons obedience to the Law both Active and Passive doth Frankly and Freely Pardon and Forgive the Poor Rebels Transgressions committed against the Moral Law as if he had never committed them and accounting the whole of that Righteousness of Christ both Active and Passive as truly the Sinners as if the Sinner had Personally performed the same himself and that in a way of free Imputation Thirdly He perswaded my Heart that God the Father against whose Law I had Sinned and whose Anger and Curse for the same I fear'd was really willing and desirous that I should be Reconciled to himself by the Virtue of his Sons Mediation and that by my betaking my self to him and casting my weary and sinking Soul on him to be introduced into his Presence and by his Spotless Comeliness put on me I might be made Amiable and Acceptable in his Sight Fourthly He Discovered to me and Perswaded my Hearts of the Full and Compleat Provision made by God and made known in the Covenant of Grace for the making Compleatly and Eternally Happy those Souls who are by Christ his Son Believed and Relied on for Salvation Reconciled to his Majesty In Respect of these and the like Discoveries which the Holy Ghost makes to the Elect in effectual Calling And between that and their Arriving at Glory he is Stiled the Spirit of Manifestation and of Revelation 1 Cor. 12.