shall_v be_v a_o honour_n to_o the_o family_n and_o a_o man_n of_o no_o ordinary_a figure_n in_o the_o orb_n of_o the_o church_n chap._n iii_o set_v forth_o the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n seize_v i_o in_o the_o very_a height_n of_o my_o confidence_n of_o be_v in_o a_o good_a and_o sure_a state_n of_o salvation_n what_o sad_a work_n it_o make_v with_o i_o and_o what_o mean_v i_o use_v for_o help_n and_o relief_n under_o its_o kill_n and_o sink_a weight_n when_o i_o be_v about_o twenty_o one_o year_n of_o age_n in_o the_o very_a heat_n and_o height_n of_o my_o zeal_n in_o prosecute_a that_o righteousness_n consist_v of_o that_o negative_a and_o positive_a obedience_n which_o the_o law_n moral_n enjoin_v and_o require_v as_o the_o condition_n of_o life_n and_o salvation_n it_o please_v god_n to_o send_v forth_o the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n to_o seize_v i_o to_o the_o end_n i_o may_v be_v instruct_v and_o full_o convince_v how_o vain_a my_o confidence_n of_o be_v save_v and_o go_v to_o heaven_n in_o that_o self_n please_a way_n of_o legal_a righteousness_n be_v the_o manner_n of_o it_o be_v thus_o be_v on_o the_o day_n call_v easter_n monday_n at_o my_o cathedral_n devotion_n in_o the_o place_n call_v christ_n church_n in_o dublin_n a_o place_n i_o constant_o frequent_v to_o morning_n and_o evening_n service_n and_o a_o place_n which_o i_o more_o zaelous_o love_v and_o venerate_v than_o any_o place_n in_o the_o world_n beside_o for_o that_o i_o very_o conceit_v in_o myself_o it_o be_v as_o the_o very_a entrance_n into_o heaven_n itself_o after_o the_o service_n be_v end_v one_o dr._n golborn_n preach_v his_o text_n be_v in_o ephes_n 5._o 14._o wherefore_o he_o say_v awake_v thou_o that_o sleep_v and_o arise_v from_o the_o dead_a and_o christ_n shall_v give_v thou_o light_n a_o good_a and_o choice_a text_n but_o how_o well_o or_o ill_o handle_v i_o must_v acknowledge_v myself_o to_o have_v be_v at_o that_o time_n a_o very_a incompetent_a judge_n to_o say_v or_o determine_v about_o the_o middle_n of_o the_o sermon_n as_o near_o as_o i_o can_v guess_v there_o be_v dart_v into_o my_o mind_n this_o sad_a and_o kill_a thought_n viz._n that_o i_o have_v the_o day_n before_o receive_v the_o sacrament_n unworthy_o which_o sad_a thought_n be_v back_v with_o that_o of_o 1_o cor._n 11._o 29_o for_o he_o that_o eat_v and_o drink_v unworthy_o eat_v and_o drink_v damnation_n to_o himself_o not_o descern_v the_o lord_n body_n this_o sad_a and_o dismal_a thought_n back_v as_o i_o say_v with_o that_o scripture_n just_a now_o quote_v not_o any_o word_n speak_v by_o the_o preacher_n be_v that_o which_o seize_v my_o mind_n and_o let_v in_o the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n upon_o i_o no_o soon_o have_v i_o look_v this_o 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d 〈◊〉_d oâ—_n forerunner_n of_o the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n in_o the_o face_n compare_v it_o with_o the_o place_n already_o mention_v but_o i_o conclude_v myself_o a_o lose_a and_o a_o undo_v man_n my_o spirit_n be_v in_o such_o a_o amaze_a fright_v and_o over_o whelming_a consternation_n to_o think_v that_o i_o be_v most_o certain_o damn_a to_o all_o intent_n and_o purpose_n that_o indeed_o i_o very_o think_v all_o the_o people_n in_o the_o place_n be_v a_o swarm_n or_o a_o legion_n of_o devil_n which_o god_n in_o revengeful_a wrath_n have_v send_v from_o the_o bottomless_a pit_n to_o guard_v and_o attend_v my_o guilty_a soul_n thither_o the_o apprehension_n i_o have_v of_o be_v damn_a and_o send_v to_o hell_n so_o rack_v and_o torment_v my_o spirit_n that_o i_o find_v myself_o unable_a to_o stay_v till_o sermon_n be_v end_v away_o i_o run_v out_o of_o that_o place_n to_o shun_v as_o i_o then_o think_v those_o swarm_n of_o devil_n which_o i_o strong_o conceive_v be_v to_o guard_v i_o to_o hell_n as_o soon_o as_o i_o come_v to_o my_o lord_n of_o santry_n where_o i_o than_o live_v i_o enter_v my_o chamber_n with_o a_o sad_a and_o heavy_a heart_n god_n know_v to_o my_o knee_n i_o go_v with_o a_o intent_n to_o pray_v if_o so_o be_v there_o may_v be_v any_o scrap_n of_o hope_n of_o my_o escape_v being_n eternal_o damn_a but_o alas_o what_o tongue_n or_o pen_n can_v relate_v the_o pass_n and_o condition_n i_o be_v then_o at_o my_o reason_n my_o conscience_n and_o my_o very_a speech_n be_v as_o it_o be_v plunge_v and_o drown_v in_o the_o gulf_n of_o despair_n so_o that_o i_o can_v neither_o utter_v a_o word_n in_o prayer_n nor_o yet_o consider_v what_o i_o shall_v do_v to_o relieve_v my_o bleed_a soul_n in_o that_o sore_a distress_n i_o dare_v not_o abide_v in_o my_o chamber_n fear_v to_o see_v and_o feel_v the_o devil_n actual_o to_o seize_v i_o to_o the_o minister_n of_o the_o parish_n i_o go_v from_o who_o hand_n i_o receive_v the_o sacrament_n but_o the_o day_n before_o not_o know_v but_o that_o he_o may_v administer_v some_o kind_n of_o relief_n to_o one_o in_o my_o condition_n he_o observe_v the_o gastliness_n of_o my_o look_n and_o take_v notice_n that_o somewhat_o ail_v i_o he_o ask_v i_o how_o i_o do_v to_o which_o i_o can_v not_o reply_v he_o press_v to_o know_v what_o the_o matter_n be_v i_o at_o length_n in_o a_o very_a abrupt_a and_o break_a manner_n tell_v he_o that_o i_o be_v full_a of_o the_o apprehension_n and_o fear_n that_o i_o be_v a_o damn_a man_n and_o that_o there_o be_v no_o hope_n of_o mercy_n for_o such_o a_o one_o as_o i_o be_v the_o minister_n somewhat_o surprise_v at_o so_o sudden_a and_o so_o great_a a_o change_n since_o but_o the_o day_n before_o he_o begin_v to_o examine_v what_o great_a and_o heinous_a sin_n one_o of_o my_o age_n and_o one_o in_o so_o encourage_v circumstance_n as_o i_o be_v in_o can_v be_v guilty_a of_o which_o shall_v occasion_v such_o sad_a despair_n he_o mention_v some_o text_n of_o scripture_n thereby_o hope_v to_o have_v give_v some_o relief_n to_o my_o weary_a gasp_a soul_n but_o all_o in_o vain_a god_n time_n of_o heal_v i_o be_v not_o yet_o come_v and_o find_v by_o my_o frequent_a come_n to_o he_o for_o ease_n and_o comfort_n to_o how_o little_a purpose_n he_o have_v labour_v with_o i_o he_o at_o length_n advise_v i_o to_o ride_v into_o the_o country_n to_o visit_v my_o father_n and_o other_o relation_n and_o by_o that_o mean_n as_o also_o by_o exercise_v myself_o with_o such_o exercise_n as_o i_o former_o delight_v in_o as_o shoot_v with_o the_o gun_n and_o angle_a to_o divert_v my_o melancholy_a thought_n this_o i_o be_v glad_a to_o hear_v of_o my_o own_o inclination_n lead_v so_o strong_o to_o it_o in_o order_n to_o the_o effect_n of_o which_o i_o address_v myself_o to_o my_o lord_n housekeeper_n entreat_v she_o to_o acquaint_v my_o lord_n that_o in_o regard_n of_o some_o present_a indisposition_n under_o which_o i_o labour_v and_o in_o order_n to_o my_o health_n i_o have_v not_o only_o a_o inclination_n but_o be_v advise_v to_o visit_v my_o father_n in_o the_o country_n in_o order_n whereto_o i_o think_v it_o convenient_a to_o acquaint_v his_o lordship_n therewith_o to_o the_o end_n i_o may_v obtain_v not_o only_o his_o lordship_n free_a consent_n but_o also_o the_o liberty_n of_o a_o horse_n to_o perform_v my_o intend_a journey_n the_o housekeeper_n no_o soon_o deliver_v my_o request_n to_o my_o lord_n but_o my_o lord_n command_v she_o to_o call_v i_o up_o into_o his_o chamber_n as_o soon_o as_o i_o receive_v the_o command_n i_o fall_v immediate_o into_o a_o great_a sweat_n and_o sore_o tremble_v up_o i_o go_v and_o be_v enter_v into_o the_o chamber_n my_o lord_n lock_v the_o chamber_n door_n and_o lay_v his_o hat_n on_o a_o cabinet_n sit_v down_o in_o his_o chair_n and_o with_o a_o earnest_n and_o pierce_a eye_n look_v on_o a_o pretty_a while_n before_o he_o speak_v i_o all_o the_o while_n sweat_v and_o quake_v at_o length_n my_o lord_n begin_v with_o james_n what_o ail_v you_o what_o be_v the_o matter_n i_o hear_v you_o go_v private_o to_o minister_n there_o be_v somewhat_o ail_v you_o what_o be_v it_o i_o perceive_v by_o my_o lord_n discourse_n that_o the_o minister_n of_o the_o parish_n have_v acquaint_v my_o lord_n with_o my_o case_n i_o find_v myself_o far_o more_o uneasy_a than_o before_o my_o sweat_n and_o trembleing_n of_o soul_n increase_a upon_o i_o my_o lord_n continue_v query_v what_o ail_v you_o james_n tell_v i_o what_o be_v the_o matter_n i_o be_v so_o overwhelm_v in_o my_o spirit_n that_o my_o speech_n be_v swallow_v up_o as_o job_n say_v job_n 6._o 3._o but_o my_o lord_n not_o let_v i_o alone_o but_o with_o earnest_a importunity_n press_v to_o know_v what_o i_o ail_v i_o at_o length_n as_o a_o poor_a condemn_a caitiff_n hang_v by_o a_o
make_v to_o a_o window_n look_v into_o a_o pleasant_a garden_n i_o lean_v on_o the_o window_n with_o my_o elbow_n and_o so_o bear_v up_o my_o body_n from_o fall_v which_o otherwise_o have_v undoubted_o sink_v down_o under_o its_o present_a load_n and_o weight_n occasion_v by_o that_o temptation_n remain_v for_o some_o little_a space_n in_o a_o horrible_a tremble_v and_o amaze_a consternation_n of_o spirit_n i_o look_v out_o into_o the_o garden_n begin_v begin_v to_o consider_v and_o reason_n with_o myself_o thus_o how_o come_v these_o tree_n to_o grow_v thus_o orderly_o in_o this_o place_n who_o rear_v or_o build_v these_o sumptuous_a building_n sure_o not_o themselves_o why_o then_o think_v i_o if_o not_o themselves_o then_o of_o necessity_n they_o must_v spring_n from_o some_o cause_n high_a and_o more_o noble_a than_o themselves_o viz_o man._n then_o from_o the_o consideration_n of_o the_o tree_n and_o the_o building_n i_o begin_v to_o exercise_n my_o thought_n about_o man_n and_o other_o live_a creature_n think_v thus_o and_o how_o come_v man_n and_o these_o other_o live_v creature_n to_o have_v a_o be_v sure_o think_v i_o they_o can_v neither_o form_n nor_o quicken_v themselves_o and_o if_o so_o then_o of_o necessity_n there_o must_v be_v some_o cause_n of_o their_o be_v and_o live_v which_o be_v high_a and_o more_o excellent_a than_o they_o which_o can_v think_v my_o reason_n be_v no_o other_o but_o a_o infinite_o glorious_a god_n and_o this_o say_v reason_n in_o i_o may_v be_v evince_v not_o only_o by_o consider_v the_o particular_n already_o mention_v but_o by_o consider_v the_o frame_n of_o the_o world_n and_o the_o strange_a preservation_n of_o all_o thing_n therein_o and_o the_o wonderful_a government_n of_o the_o second_o cause_n wherewith_o the_o world_n abound_v these_o and_o sundry_a other_o of_o the_o like_a argument_n prove_v so_o strong_a and_o nervous_a to_o convince_v i_o that_o of_o necessity_n there_o must_v be_v a_o god_n that_o that_o temptation_n vanish_v the_o devil_n perceive_v himself_o foil_v in_o this_o attempt_n he_o set_v furious_o on_o i_o with_o blasphemous_a thought_n represent_v god_n in_o such_o vile_a shape_n and_o hideous_a and_o base_a idea_n to_o my_o mind_n that_o be_v i_o to_o undergo_v the_o utmost_a of_o misery_n that_o creature_n be_v capable_a of_o inflict_v or_o i_o capable_a of_o suffer_v i_o do_v humble_o hope_v in_o christ_n strength_n i_o shall_v unspeakable_o choose_v rather_o to_o be_v rack_v to_o death_n than_o but_o once_o to_o name_v they_o so_o vile_a hideous_a and_o horrible_a be_v they_o proceed_v rather_o from_o the_o enrage_a and_o revengeful_a malice_n of_o the_o devil_n against_o the_o majesty_n of_o god_n than_o from_o the_o corruption_n and_o pravity_n of_o nature_n these_o thing_n i_o do_v but_o glance_v or_o touch_n at_o not_o from_o any_o delight_n i_o take_v in_o the_o remembrance_n of_o they_o but_o rather_o for_o the_o relief_n of_o some_o poor_a tempt_v despair_v soul_n who_o probable_o may_v be_v conflict_v with_o the_o same_o fiery_a assault_n conclude_v within_o themselves_o as_o i_o often_o do_v that_o none_o belong_v to_o god_n can_v ever_o be_v possess_v with_o such_o black_a and_o dismal_a thought_n oh_o the_o gastliness_n and_o fearful_a tremble_n oh_o the_o sweat_v and_o weariness_n of_o my_o very_a life_n which_o these_o satanical_a injection_n cause_v in_o i_o a_o sure_a and_o convince_a argument_n they_o be_v immediate_o from_o the_o devil_n and_o none_o else_o the_o sin_n flow_v from_o the_o pravity_n of_o nature_n be_v common_o rather_o please_a and_o delightful_a than_o amaze_a and_o terrify_v to_o nature_n in_o this_o sad_a condition_n i_o continue_v so_o long_o till_o my_o very_a animal_n spirit_n be_v even_o drink_v up_o and_o the_o radical_a moisture_n of_o my_o body_n waste_v by_o that_o burn_a inflammation_n which_o i_o sensible_o feel_v invade_v and_o possess_v my_o body_n the_o pitiful_a and_o deplorable_a state_n i_o be_v in_o both_o in_o respect_n of_o my_o soul_n which_o i_o find_v be_v invade_v by_o the_o terror_n of_o god_n for_o the_o breach_n of_o his_o royal_a law_n and_o as_o i_o very_o conclude_v give_v up_o to_o satan_n by_o god_n in_o a_o judicial_a way_n to_o be_v possess_v by_o he_o as_o also_o in_o respect_n of_o my_o body_n in_o which_o the_o sad_a symptom_n of_o my_o approach_a doom_n do_v as_o i_o very_o think_v hourly_o appear_v such_o as_o the_o grow_a and_o increase_n of_o that_o burn_a inflammation_n already_o mention_v decay_n of_o my_o sight_n which_o necessitate_v the_o use_n of_o spectacle_n at_o the_o age_n of_o 25_o year_n the_o loss_n of_o my_o smell_a and_o taste_v for_o about_o three_o month_n with_o a_o great_a decay_n of_o my_o hear_v so_o ghastly_a a_o sight_n be_v i_o to_o behold_v that_o i_o become_v a_o spectacle_n of_o wonderment_n to_o all_o the_o family_n where_o i_o live_v some_o conclude_v that_o i_o be_v starve_v by_o my_o frequent_a fast_n other_o very_o conclude_v that_o spirit_n haunt_v i_o which_o cause_v in_o i_o such_o ghastly_a look_n and_o cause_v my_o body_n to_o bend_v and_o bow_n towards_o crookedness_n so_o heavy_a and_o insupportable_a be_v the_o load_n i_o lay_v under_o chap._n iu._n discover_v how_o the_o spirit_n of_o adoption_n succeed_v the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n and_o what_o glorious_a effect_n ensue_v thereupon_o the_o last_o day_n of_o my_o bondage_n state_n when_o i_o look_v for_o nothing_o but_o a_o go_v down_o to_o the_o nethermost_a hell_n in_o the_o unconceivable_a horror_n and_o amaze_a consternation_n of_o my_o spirit_n there_o be_v a_o place_n of_o scripture_n which_o run_v in_o my_o thought_n from_o morning_n to_o bedtime_n the_o place_n of_o scripture_n be_v esa_n 43._o 25._o i_o even_o i_o be_o he_o that_o blot_v out_o thy_o transgression_n for_o my_o own_o sake_n and_o will_v not_o remember_v thy_o sin_n this_o scripture_n get_v such_o hold_n of_o my_o mind_n and_o thought_n that_o albeit_o i_o no_o more_o understand_v the_o sense_n or_o meaning_n of_o the_o spirit_n of_o god_n in_o it_o or_o how_o it_o come_v into_o my_o mind_n that_o day_n than_o a_o pagan_a that_o never_o know_v any_o thing_n of_o the_o true_a god_n i_o can_v not_o possible_o keep_v my_o thought_n fix_v on_o any_o thing_n all_o the_o day_n but_o on_o that_o very_a scripture_n roll_v and_o tumble_a the_o bare_a word_n in_o my_o thought_n incessant_o thus_o i_o even_o i_o be_o he_o that_o blot_v out_o thy_o transgression_n for_o my_o own_o sake_n and_o will_v not_o rememberthy_n sin_n ay_o even_o i_o be_o he_o that_o blot_v out_o thy_o transgression_n for_o my_o own_o sake_n and_o will_v not_o remember_v thy_o sin_n and_o so_o all_o the_o day_n till_o bedtime_n i_o be_v somewhat_o astonish_v at_o the_o change_n which_o i_o find_v in_o myself_o in_o reference_n to_o my_o thought_n about_o the_o scripture_n for_o whereas_o before_o during_o the_o state_n of_o my_o spiritual_a bondage_n which_o be_v between_o three_o and_o four_o year_n i_o can_v think_v of_o no_o scripture_n but_o such_o as_o treat_v of_o damnation_n of_o fall_v away_o and_o of_o sin_v against_o the_o holy_a ghost_n always_o apply_v the_o same_o to_o myself_o desperate_o conclude_v that_o my_o own_o doom_n be_v in_o those_o terrible_a scripture_n set_v forth_o and_o discover_v i_o that_o day_n forget_v those_o terrify_a scripture_n and_o can_v as_o i_o say_v think_v of_o nothing_o but_o that_o place_n in_o esa_n 43._o 25_o above_o mention_v and_o that_o without_o the_o least_o apprehension_n what_o the_o sense_n of_o the_o spirit_n in_o these_o word_n shall_v be_v or_o how_o or_o wherefore_o that_o scripture_n shall_v make_v such_o a_o forceable_a entry_n on_o my_o mind_n and_o thought_n as_o to_o eject_v and_o banish_v from_o my_o thought_n and_o remembrance_n the_o other_o terrible_a scripture_n by_o the_o wrong_a application_n of_o which_o my_o state_n and_o condition_n become_v as_o to_o my_o own_o sense_n and_o thought_n equal_a to_o that_o of_o the_o damn_a at_o night_n after_o my_o lord_n have_v supp_v and_o while_o the_o inferior_a of_o the_o family_n be_v actual_o at_o supper_n i_o steal_v my_o opportunity_n resolve_v in_o myself_o that_o none_o shall_v know_v where_o i_o be_v or_o suspect_v what_o i_o be_v about_o up_o stair_n i_o get_v without_o a_o candle_n the_o night_n be_v moonshine_a i_o be_v all_o of_o a_o sweat_n and_o a_o strange_a horror_n fall_v on_o i_o occasion_v by_o the_o conceit_n and_o apprehension_n i_o have_v that_o the_o devil_n accompany_v i_o as_o a_o man_n up_o stair_n who_o step_n along_o with_o i_o i_o strong_o imagine_v i_o hear_v which_o cause_v i_o to_o keep_v my_o eye_n close_v for_o fear_v i_o shall_v see_v the_o devil_n in_o a_o visible_a shape_n while_o i_o be_v unlock_v
be_v communicate_v to_o i_o in_o such_o a_o manner_n and_o measure_n as_o unspeakable_o pass_v my_o frail_a capacity_n to_o tell_v forth_o or_o express_v which_o occasion_v i_o to_o call_v to_o mind_n my_o former_a wonder_v and_o muse_v while_o go_v on_o in_o the_o way_n of_o my_o ignorant_a and_o blind_a zeal_n in_o serve_a god_n before_o the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n visit_v i_o to_o think_v what_o the_o joy_n of_o the_o holy_a ghost_n shall_v mean_v whenever_o i_o do_v read_v of_o the_o joy_n of_o the_o holy_a ghost_n or_o do_v hear_v any_o mention_n thereof_o joy_n of_o the_o holy_a think_v i_o lord_n what_o be_v that_o what_o be_v the_o meaning_n of_o it_o i_o can_v tell_v or_o apprehend_v what_o this_o joy_n of_o the_o holy_a ghost_n shall_v be_v six_o the_o spirit_n of_o adoption_n be_v give_v i_o whereby_o i_o be_v enable_v to_o come_v to_o god_n throne_n of_o grace_n and_o with_o a_o holy_a and_o humble_a boldness_n to_o call_v he_o my_o god_n and_o my_o father_n the_o instinct_n in_o the_o new_a creation_n wrought_v by_o the_o god_n of_o all_o grace_n in_o i_o lead_v i_o to_o god_n as_o the_o fountain_n of_o all_o good_n the_o spirit_n give_v i_o put_v into_o my_o mouth_n word_n of_o solemn_a thanks_o and_o praise_n for_o the_o greatness_n and_o strangeness_n of_o my_o salvation_n to_o my_o knee_n i_o betake_v i_o adore_v and_o worship_v with_o my_o spirit_n that_o holy_a jehovah_n trinity_n in_o unity_n and_o unity_n in_o trinity_n father_n son_n and_o holy_a ghost_n the_o true_a and_o eternal_a god_n who_o all_o the_o time_n of_o my_o blind_a zeal_n and_o during_o the_o time_n of_o my_o bondage_n state_n i_o have_v so_o ignorant_o worship_v i_o be_v now_o and_o never_o before_o enable_v jacob_n like_v to_o catch_v hold_n of_o and_o to_o wrestle_v with_o a_o reconcile_v god_n the_o greatness_n holiness_n and_o infiniteness_n of_o his_o majesty_n which_o before_o i_o know_v he_o in_o christ_n terrify_v and_o affrightn_v i_o with_o a_o witness_n animate_v and_o encourage_v i_o in_o pray_v to_o he_o it_o be_v not_o to_o be_v express_v in_o word_n with_o what_o alacrity_n and_o cheerfulness_n of_o spirit_n i_o approach_v the_o throne_n of_o grace_n and_o with_o what_o enlargedness_n and_o inward_a melt_n of_o heart_n and_o soul_n i_o call_v on_o god_n when_o i_o do_v but_o mention_v this_o my_o god_n and_o my_o father_n oh_o what_o ravishment_n of_o soul_n do_v i_o experimental_o feel_v overflow_a and_o drown_v my_o very_a spirit_n to_o my_o bed_n i_o go_v with_o a_o glad_a &_o ravish_v heart_n christ_n know_v the_o burn_a inflammation_n which_o the_o horror_n and_o bondage_n of_o my_o wound_a despair_v conscience_n cause_v in_o my_o body_n be_v go_v and_o my_o body_n disposition_n to_o crookedness_n think_v the_o sink_a weight_n which_o lie_v on_o my_o spirit_n within_o be_v instant_o rebuke_v and_o cause_v to_o retreat_n by_o the_o glad_a and_o joyful_a tideing_n of_o gospel_n peace_n which_o that_o night_n take_v up_o its_o lodging_n within_o i_o succeed_v and_o powerful_o supplant_n that_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n which_o make_v i_o so_o hopeless_a and_o as_o i_o think_v past_o all_o possibility_n of_o escape_v hell_n no_o soon_o be_v i_o stretch_v in_o my_o bed_n but_o swoon_a and_o faint_v fit_n of_o love_n sickness_n seize_v i_o i_o be_v inward_o and_o spiritual_o so_o apprehensive_a of_o the_o mysteriousness_n of_o christ_n incarnation_n his_o humble_v himself_o even_o to_o death_n his_o lie_v confine_v as_o a_o prisoner_n in_o the_o grave_a and_o his_o be_v raise_v therefrom_o again_o his_o ascend_v to_o heaven_n from_o whence_o he_o come_v and_o his_o sit_v down_o at_o the_o father_n right_a hand_n to_o enter_v on_o the_o work_n of_o intercession_n with_o god_n and_o that_o as_o my_o surety_n and_o mediator_n and_o all_o for_o i_o that_o i_o very_o think_v my_o body_n be_v near_o its_o dissolution_n a_o thing_n which_o the_o clear_a and_o certain_a assurance_n give_v i_o of_o my_o be_v a_o adopt_a son_n of_o god_n make_v i_o even_o long_a and_o pant_v after_o my_o thought_n and_o meditation_n be_v now_o whole_o employ_v about_o christ_n and_o that_o bless_a change_n which_o i_o sensible_o feel_v be_v past_a on_o i_o the_o sweet_a and_o soul_n ravish_v communion_n i_o have_v with_o father_n son_n and_o holy_a ghost_n be_v to_o i_o instead_o of_o meat_n drink_v and_o sleep_n and_o that_o the_o most_o please_a and_o satisfactory_a that_o i_o ever_o enjoy_v the_o act_n and_o suffering_n of_o christ_n in_o the_o assume_v nature_n for_o i_o be_v so_o realize_v and_o the_o virtue_n and_o reconcile_a efficacy_n of_o the_o same_o so_o sensible_o set_v home_n on_o my_o wound_a and_o bleed_a soul_n by_o the_o spirit_n of_o adoption_n that_o i_o think_v i_o have_v the_o person_n of_o christ_n clasp_v in_o my_o arm_n in_o the_o bed_n oh_o the_o sweet_a intercourse_n which_o by_o the_o operation_n of_o the_o holy_a ghost_n pass_v between_o precious_a jesus_n and_o my_o languid_a soul_n then_o be_v i_o make_v to_o know_v experimental_o the_o meaning_n of_o rev._n 3._o 20._o while_o i_o be_v wake_v i_o be_v entertain_v with_o strange_a variety_n of_o interlocution_n or_o discourse_n which_o pass_v between_o christ_n and_o i_o which_o do_v explain_v and_o unfold_v to_o i_o that_o in_o prov._n 6._o 22._o during_o this_o i_o continue_v in_o such_o a_o melt_a frame_n that_o the_o very_a pillow-beer_n under_o my_o head_n be_v as_o if_o dip_v in_o a_o river_n through_o the_o great_a abundance_n of_o tear_n of_o unconceivable_a joy_n which_o the_o sense_n and_o feel_v of_o christ_n love_n constrain_v i_o to_o shed_v when_o i_o find_v a_o necessity_n of_o turn_v in_o my_o bed_n i_o can_v not_o turn_v without_o my_o dear_o belove_a and_o incomparable_o loving_n jesus_n in_o my_o arm_n with_o i_o when_o i_o slumber_v and_o sleep_v i_o be_v soon_o visit_v with_o most_o joyful_a and_o ravish_a dream_n of_o god_n christ_n holy_a ghost_n the_o glory_n of_o heaven_n and_o the_o unutterable_a bliss_n and_o felicity_n of_o those_o soul_n who_o be_v reconcile_v to_o god_n by_o christ_n this_o be_v very_o frequent_a and_o common_a when_o sleep_n come_v on_o i_o after_o i_o have_v be_v seal_v in_o believe_v and_o albeit_o i_o never_o dare_v to_o heed_n or_o mind_n nocturnal_a dream_n yet_o they_o have_v sometime_o have_v such_o a_o strange_a influence_n on_o i_o that_o i_o have_v feel_v such_o delightful_a joy_n and_o comfort_n in_o my_o spirit_n that_o sometime_o i_o have_v be_v at_o a_o stand_n to_o think_v whether_o i_o have_v be_v asleep_o or_o awake_v it_o be_v a_o frequent_a practice_n with_o i_o for_o some_o considerable_a time_n how_o long_o i_o can_v now_o remember_v to_o arise_v in_o my_o bed_n when_o i_o awake_v out_o of_o my_o sleep_n to_o bend_v my_o knee_n and_o lift_v up_o my_o eye_n hand_n and_o heart_n to_o heaven_n to_o land_n praise_n and_o magnify_v father_n son_n and_o holy_a ghost_n for_o the_o greatness_n and_o strangeness_n of_o my_o so_o unexpected_a and_o unlooked_a for_o salvation_n be_v but_o the_o night_n before_o yea_o and_o every_o morning_n ready_a to_o drop_n into_o final_a desperation_n of_o ever_o be_v save_v oh_o what_o a_o loss_n be_v i_o at_o in_o myself_o not_o know_v how_o sufficient_o to_o extol_v and_o bless_v god_n for_o what_o have_v now_o befall_v i_o i_o be_v even_o ready_a to_o quarrel_v with_o myself_o because_o of_o the_o narrowness_n and_o straightness_n of_o my_o soul_n which_o hinder_v that_o i_o can_v not_o take_v in_o more_o of_o god_n and_o go_v out_o in_o more_o enlarge_v expression_n of_o love_n and_o praise_n to_o he_o for_o above_o six_o month_n together_o i_o can_v neither_o lie_v down_o nor_o arise_v go_v down_o or_o come_v up_o stair_n pass_v in_o or_o out_o from_o one_o place_n to_o another_o but_o i_o strong_o conceit_a that_o i_o perceive_v a_o guard_n of_o angel_n attend_v my_o person_n it_o can_v be_v express_v with_o what_o scorn_n and_o abhorrence_n i_o look_v on_o the_o pride_n and_o gallantry_n of_o the_o family_n where_o i_o live_v their_o changeable_a suit_n of_o rich_a and_o glitter_v apparel_n with_o their_o choice_a meat_n and_o sweet_a music_n with_o other_o delightful_a pastime_n i_o look_v on_o and_o account_v they_o but_o as_o smoak_n and_o dust_n the_o title_n of_o worldly_a honour_n wherein_o the_o rest_n of_o my_o relation_n do_v not_o a_o little_a glory_n i_o account_v the_o same_o but_o a_o mere_a empty_a vanity_n oh_o think_v i_o that_o my_o poor_a relation_n can_v see_v taste_n and_o feel_v what_o i_o do_v how_o will_v they_o disrelish_v and_o be_v ashamed_a and_o weary_a of_o these_o poor_a perish_v sensual_a delight_n wherein_o they_o place_v their_o delight_n and_o
rate_n that_o my_o little_a body_n wax_v very_o big_a and_o mishapen_a my_o bâ—lly_n be_v as_o big_a as_o a_o ordinary_a tubb_n or_o drum_n my_o leg_n no_o way_n able_a to_o bear_v or_o carry_v my_o distemper_a body_n thus_o be_v i_o a_o burden_n not_o only_o to_o other_o but_o also_o to_o myself_o until_o it_o please_v god_n to_o check_v and_o control_v the_o humour_n and_o distemper_n in_o my_o body_n which_o else_o have_v check_v i_o into_o the_o dust_n the_o mean_n of_o my_o recovery_n be_v as_o follow_v viz._n on_o a_o certain_a day_n as_o i_o be_v in_o the_o arm_n of_o a_o maid_n servant_n who_o only_a work_n it_o be_v to_o attend_v on_o and_o minister_v unto_o i_o i_o behold_v on_o the_o ground_n before_o the_o door_n some_o speckled_a shell_n snail_n which_o drop_v out_o of_o the_o load_n of_o furze_n that_o come_v to_o the_o door_n these_o snail_n i_o cry_v to_o have_v they_o the_o maid_n willing_a â—a_n gratify_v my_o desire_n pick_v up_o as_o many_o as_o she_o can_v see_v of_o they_o with_o these_o i_o please_v my_o fancy_n play_v with_o they_o till_o weary_v after_o which_o i_o motion_v to_o put_v the_o snail_n into_o the_o fire_n and_o after_o a_o little_a while_n when_o i_o apprehend_v they_o be_v roast_v i_o cry_v to_o have_v they_o again_o the_o maid_n and_o all_o other_o that_o behold_v i_o wonder_v great_o what_o i_o design_v to_o do_v with_o they_o no_o soon_o have_v i_o clear_v they_o from_o the_o shell_n but_o to_o the_o great_a amazement_n of_o the_o spectator_n i_o fall_v to_o eat_v they_o and_o to_o such_o satisfaction_n that_o have_v once_o taste_v of_o they_o i_o can_v not_o for_o some_o considerable_a time_n be_v prevail_v with_o to_o eat_v any_o other_o meat_n except_o snail_n this_o new_a diet_n to_o which_o neither_o entreaty_n nor_o yet_o example_n of_o any_o mortal_a move_v i_o do_v by_o the_o blessing_n of_o god_n prove_v both_o food_n and_o physic_n for_o by_o they_o i_o be_v to_o the_o great_a astonishment_n of_o they_o who_o know_v i_o great_o nourish_v and_o apparent_o advantage_v in_o point_n of_o health_n for_o in_o a_o short_a time_n after_o i_o have_v taker_n to_o eat_v snail_n the_o swell_v of_o my_o body_n assuage_v and_o the_o use_n of_o my_o limb_n i_o recover_v as_o i_o begin_v with_o this_o new_a diet_n so_o i_o continue_v until_o i_o be_v perfect_o cure_v to_o the_o great_a admiration_n and_o wonderment_n of_o all_o sort_n who_o both_o see_v and_o hear_v of_o my_o practice_n herein_o many_o both_o friend_n and_o stranger_n do_v come_v from_o city_n and_o country_n to_o see_v and_o hear_v of_o i_o hear_v the_o strangeness_n and_o rareness_n of_o my_o case_n among_o these_o be_v my_o physician_n who_o former_o give_v i_o up_o for_o a_o dead_a child_n they_o at_o the_o first_o hear_v of_o my_o be_v in_o a_o hopeful_a way_n of_o recovery_n can_v not_o credit_v the_o news_n till_o hear_v it_o with_o great_a confidence_n affirm_v they_o set_v a_o time_n for_o come_v to_o my_o father_n to_o see_v and_o inquire_v whether_o what_o be_v story_v about_o my_o recovery_n be_v true_a they_o find_v it_o so_o both_o by_o their_o see_v and_o handle_v my_o body_n as_o also_o the_o information_n they_o receive_v from_o my_o parent_n concern_v the_o mean_n of_o my_o cure_n together_o with_o the_o manner_n of_o my_o make_a use_n of_o such_o mean_n of_o my_o own_o accord_n they_o exceed_o admire_v at_o it_o conclude_v with_o one_o accord_n that_o it_o be_v immediate_o from_o the_o spirit_n of_o god_n and_o be_v certain_o miraculous_a this_o account_n i_o have_v from_o my_o friend_n and_o relation_n who_o be_v both_o eye_n and_o ear_n witness_n of_o what_o i_o have_v here_o relate_v but_o least_o any_o shall_v doubt_v the_o truth_n of_o this_o relation_n i_o shall_v brief_o add_v two_o thing_n which_o full_o satisfy_v my_o own_o soul_n of_o the_o truth_n hereof_o the_o first_o be_v the_o perfect_a remembrance_n i_o have_v of_o my_o eat_v snail_n frequent_o when_o a_o little_a one_o the_o second_o be_v the_o frequentness_n of_o the_o scorn_n and_o mock_v wherewith_o i_o have_v meet_v even_o from_o my_o own_o since_o our_o difference_n about_o religion_n who_o when_o discourse_v about_o my_o leave_v the_o church_n have_v many_o time_n and_o often_o hit_v i_o in_o the_o tooth_n by_o way_n of_o reproach_n with_o what_o i_o be_v when_o a_o infant_n how_o that_o i_o be_v cast_v out_o on_o a_o dunghill_n and_o afterward_o nail_v up_o in_o a_o coffin_n my_o grave_a make_v and_o a_o carry_v away_o to_o be_v bury_v and_o alas_o the_o great_a grief_n of_o all_o be_v that_o i_o be_v not_o at_o that_o time_n bury_v alive_a rather_o than_o i_o shall_v live_v to_o be_v a_o fanatic_a and_o on_o that_o account_n such_o a_o stain_n and_o blemish_n to_o the_o whole_a family_n there_o never_o have_v be_v a_o fanatic_a of_o the_o family_n before_o i_o and_o thus_o i_o have_v as_o brief_o as_o i_o can_v give_v a_o impartial_a account_n of_o the_o first_o strange_a deliverance_n wrought_v for_o i_o by_o the_o holy_a and_o all-working_a providence_n of_o god_n the_o second_o escape_n from_o death_n when_o a_o babe_n be_v as_o follow_v be_v one_o night_n fast_o a_o sleep_n in_o bed_n the_o maid_n who_o tend_v i_o and_o constant_o lay_v by_o i_o neglect_v to_o extinguish_v her_o candle_n when_o she_o lay_v down_o the_o candlestick_n be_v so_o place_v by_o the_o maid_n that_o the_o candle_n burn_v down_o near_o the_o socket_n or_o by_o some_o accidental_a motion_n of_o she_o when_o asleep_a throw_v the_o candle_n down_o into_o the_o bed_n the_o sheet_n and_o other_o bedclothe_n take_v fire_n which_o prevail_v so_o far_o that_o the_o bed_n sheet_n rugg_n and_o mat_n be_v spoil_v and_o unfit_a for_o use_v afterward_o the_o maid_n and_o i_o fast_o asleep_a both_o insensible_a of_o the_o apparent_a danger_n we_o be_v in_o it_o please_v god_n that_o my_o father_n be_v awake_v in_o bed_n smell_v the_o scent_n of_o burn_a which_o be_v so_o hot_a in_o his_o nose_n that_o he_o fear_v danger_n by_o fire_n it_o be_v in_o the_o dead_a of_o the_o night_n the_o whole_a family_n bury_v in_o sleep_n except_o himself_o he_o can_v not_o rest_v but_o get_v up_o in_o his_o naked_a shirt_n go_v from_o chamber_n to_o chamber_n to_o search_v out_o where_o the_o fire_n shall_v be_v and_o come_v at_o length_n to_o the_o chamber_n where_o i_o lie_v he_o find_v the_o room_n all_o in_o a_o smother_v the_o bed_n and_o clothes_n all_o on_o fire_n and_o the_o maid_n and_o i_o fast_o asleep_a the_o first_o thing_n that_o my_o father_n do_v be_v to_o snatch_v i_o out_o of_o bed_n and_o by_o the_o suddenness_n of_o the_o waken_n i_o out_o of_o sleep_n and_o see_v the_o fire_n i_o be_v fright_v and_o begin_v to_o cry_n my_o father_n fear_v least_o harm_n shall_v thence_o ensue_v to_o my_o mother_n who_o be_v at_o that_o very_a time_n near_o the_o time_n of_o travel_n he_o clap_v his_o hand_n on_o my_o mouth_n and_o in_o his_o arm_n carry_v i_o out_o to_o the_o malt_n house_n very_o near_o the_o house_n where_o lie_v a_o family_n of_o english_a people_n who_o manage_v the_o malt_n house_n he_o throw_v i_o hasty_o into_o bed_n to_o they_o charge_v they_o to_o keep_v i_o warm_v and_o to_o quiet_v i_o have_v thus_o secure_v i_o he_o forthwith_o return_v to_o the_o fire_n where_o he_o find_v the_o maid_n still_o fast_o a_o sleep_n and_o by_o all_o he_o can_v do_v he_o can_v not_o awake_v she_o until_o the_o fire_n burn_v her_o flesh_n she_o at_o length_n start_v up_o and_o in_o a_o amaze_a surprise_n see_v herself_o compass_v with_o fire_n and_o miss_v i_o in_o the_o bed_n and_o find_v my_o father_n belabouring_a himself_o in_o quench_v the_o fire_n she_o begin_v to_o raise_v the_o shout_n my_o father_n present_o stop_v her_o mouth_n and_o make_v her_o sensible_a how_o thing_n be_v and_o that_o the_o child_n be_v safe_a and_o be_v come_v to_o herself_o she_o arise_v and_o help_v my_o father_n to_o put_v out_o the_o fire_n that_o no_o far_a harm_n be_v do_v now_o how_o near_o i_o be_v to_o death_n i_o leave_v every_o sober_a reader_n to_o judge_n a_o three_o deliverance_n wrought_v for_o i_o by_o divine_a providence_n be_v his_o save_v i_o from_o perrish_v by_o a_o dog_n the_o manner_n whereof_o be_v thus_o one_o morning_n stand_v beside_o a_o table_n in_o the_o common-hall_n where_o a_o gentleman_n who_o be_v caterer_n to_o my_o father_n family_n be_v at_o breakfast_n in_o order_n to_o a_o go_v to_o market_n to_o buy_v provision_n for_o the_o house_n i_o perfect_o remember_v the_o meat_n he_o have_v be_v butter_v fish_n i_o expect_v and_o
case_n to_o be_v altogether_o desperate_a and_o hopeless_a it_o be_v not_o to_o be_v tell_v by_o tongue_n or_o pen_n what_o soul_n conflict_n and_o agony_n accompany_v i_o wherever_o i_o go_v and_o whatever_o i_o set_v about_o insomuch_o that_o they_o become_v frequent_a and_o familiar_a to_o i_o in_o the_o very_a night_n vision_n the_o devil_n hell_n damnation_n with_o the_o manner_n how_o the_o wicked_a be_v handle_v in_o hell_n be_v thing_n very_o often_o present_v to_o my_o fancy_n in_o those_o short_a and_o torment_a slumber_n whereinto_o i_o fall_v yea_o i_o have_v sometime_o dream_v that_o i_o have_v see_v and_o feel_v myself_o in_o hell_n among_o the_o damn_a tumble_v and_o sink_v down_o deep_o and_o deep_o feel_v no_o bottom_n which_o have_v occasion_v i_o often_o to_o think_v of_o job_n case_n of_o which_o he_o bitter_o complain_v job_n 7._o 14._o then_o thou_o scare_v i_o with_o dream_n and_o terrify_v i_o with_o vision_n as_o it_o be_v with_o job_n so_o it_o be_v with_o i_o when_o i_o have_v be_v even_o spend_v with_o the_o conflict_n and_o temptation_n of_o the_o day_n i_o think_v sometime_o and_o hope_v at_o least_o that_o my_o bed_n and_o sleep_n will_v something_o ease_v and_o lessen_v my_o pain_n and_o inward_a horror_n of_o mind_n but_o woe_n and_o alas_o i_o be_v never_o weary_a of_o the_o fatigue_n of_o the_o day_n than_o i_o be_v of_o the_o restless_a toss_n of_o the_o night_n and_o that_o because_o of_o those_o dream_n and_o vision_n which_o do_v as_o it_o be_v realize_v the_o thing_n themselves_o to_o my_o mind_n the_o consternation_n into_o which_o those_o soul_n afflict_v vision_n do_v put_v i_o do_v often_o startle_v i_o out_o of_o my_o sleep_n and_o cause_v in_o i_o restless_a long_n for_o daylight_n and_o that_o because_o i_o can_v not_o employ_v my_o thought_n about_o any_o thing_n but_o what_o have_v a_o tendency_n to_o augment_v my_o despair_n and_o misery_n my_o thought_n run_v out_o and_o fix_v upon_o the_o sin_n of_o my_o youth_n think_v how_o many_o and_o black_a they_o be_v call_v to_o mind_n the_o advances_n i_o have_v former_o make_v in_o the_o way_n of_o strict_a and_o zealous_a religion_n and_o what_o method_n and_o way_n i_o have_v use_v to_o get_v healing_n and_o comfort_n and_o all_o in_o vain_a and_o to_o no_o purpose_n and_o that_o because_o as_o i_o conclude_v god_n have_v give_v i_o up_o to_o be_v a_o prey_n to_o the_o enemy_n sometime_o in_o the_o night_n when_o i_o can_v not_o seep_v i_o hear_v dog_n howl_v and_o cry_v piteous_o in_o the_o cold_a wether_n this_o i_o apprehend_v be_v a_o lively_a represent_v to_o the_o ear_n the_o skreeks_n and_o roar_n of_o the_o damn_a in_o hell_n thus_o be_v they_o in_o those_o eternal_a flame_n and_o so_o shall_v i_o ever_o long_o oh_o that_o i_o can_v but_o see_v one_o glimpse_n of_o the_o morning_n light_n but_o woe_n be_v i_o deserted_n and_o forsake_v of_o god_n i_o shall_v be_v with_o the_o damn_a in_o that_o place_n of_o torment_n before_o morning_n i_o shall_v never_o see_v light_n well_o when_o contrary_a to_o my_o foolish_a and_o wicked_a thought_n and_o expectation_n i_o have_v live_v to_o see_v the_o morning_n light_n i_o will_v then_o begin_v to_o reason_n and_o query_n with_o myself_o what_o i_o have_v so_o earnest_o desire_v the_o day_n for_o my_o day_n of_o grace_n be_v certain_o pass_v and_o go_v there_o be_v no_o mercy_n in_o store_n for_o such_o a_o one_o as_o i_o be_o all_o the_o help_n and_o mean_n of_o grace_n which_o have_v have_v a_o blessing_n attend_v they_o for_o special_a good_a to_o other_o be_v attend_v with_o a_o curse_n to_o i_o i_o be_o a_o reprobate_n in_o vain_a it_o be_v to_o pray_v any_o more_o or_o spend_v any_o more_o time_n in_o the_o duty_n of_o religion_n i_o have_v have_v sad_a experience_n of_o that_o under_o this_o weight_n will_v i_o lie_v in_o my_o bed_n conclude_v it_o altogether_o in_o vain_a to_o arise_v to_o engage_v in_o any_o duty_n this_o temptation_n so_o far_o prevail_v that_o i_o do_v for_o a_o time_n refrain_v prayer_n and_o neglect_v other_o duty_n of_o religion_n from_o my_o conclude_v that_o i_o belong_v not_o to_o god_n i_o find_v myself_o like_o a_o dead_a log_n as_o if_o i_o have_v neither_o life_n nor_o soul_n leave_v in_o i_o i_o expect_v certain_o every_o hour_n nay_o each_o minute_n nay_o every_o breath_n i_o fetch_v to_o be_v hurry_v away_o into_o the_o place_n and_o company_n of_o the_o damn_a which_o cause_v in_o i_o such_o amazement_n and_o unusual_a horror_n that_o i_o will_v creep_v like_o a_o condemn_a malefactor_n into_o the_o chimney_n corner_n among_o the_o company_n there_o resolve_v to_o stay_v while_o any_o stay_v there_o on_o purpose_n to_o avoid_v and_o shun_v those_o damn_a spirit_n who_o i_o expect_v every_o twinkle_a of_o a_o eye_n to_o see_v among_o my_o sad_a and_o despair_a thought_n concern_v the_o ineffectualness_n of_o all_o mean_n and_o duty_n to_o do_v i_o good_a there_o do_v come_v into_o my_o thought_n a_o passage_n which_o i_o have_v read_v in_o some_o author_n who_o name_n i_o have_v forget_v it_o be_v this_o viz._n that_o there_o be_v different_a degree_n of_o torment_n among_o the_o damn_a in_o hell_n this_o thing_n i_o fix_v my_o thought_n on_o so_o long_o till_o i_o do_v hence_o infer_v and_o conclude_v that_o see_v there_o be_v different_a degree_n of_o torment_n among_o the_o damn_a in_o hell_n and_o that_o the_o damn_a exceed_v each_o other_o in_o the_o degree_n of_o sin_n must_v necessary_o be_v the_o ground_n and_o foundation_n of_o such_o a_o difference_n i_o conclude_v that_o the_o less_o sin_n i_o commit_v the_o less_o will_v be_v my_o torment_n in_o hell_n now_o every_o omission_n of_o duty_n think_v i_o as_o well_o as_o do_v what_o be_v positive_o forbid_v in_o the_o moral_a law_n be_v a_o sin_n against_o god_n and_o therefore_o to_o make_v my_o chain_n the_o light_a in_o hell_n i_o be_o resolve_v against_o all_o know_a sin_n and_o according_o i_o fall_v to_o work_n again_o perceive_v in_o myself_o no_o other_o motive_n or_o inducement_n hereto_o but_o mere_o expect_v and_o hope_v that_o by_o this_o mean_n my_o be_v in_o hell_n will_v be_v make_v more_o tolerable_a and_o easy_a than_o that_o of_o other_o reprobate_n by_o this_o very_a thing_n it_o will_v easy_o be_v understand_v how_o near_o i_o be_v to_o final_a despair_n in_o my_o own_o thought_n and_o apprehension_n but_o among_o all_o the_o combat_n and_o conflict_n i_o meet_v with_o in_o the_o time_n of_o my_o bondage_n none_o more_o rack_v and_o torment_v my_o spirit_n than_o those_o hideous_a and_o abominable_a thought_n which_o by_o the_o devil_n be_v like_o fiery_n and_o poison_a arrow_n inject_v into_o my_o mind_n sometime_o against_o the_o holy_a scripture_n as_o that_o they_o be_v not_o the_o word_n of_o god_n but_o the_o cunning_a and_o politic_a invention_n of_o man_n devise_v and_o contrive_v by_o some_o to_o awe_n and_o keep_v other_o in_o subjection_n this_o temptation_n cause_v no_o small_a anguish_n and_o perturbation_n in_o my_o mind_n but_o do_v not_o continue_v long_o for_o though_o sad_a and_o desperate_a i_o think_v my_o case_n to_o be_v i_o be_v enable_v to_o consider_v what_o a_o mighty_a power_n go_v along_o with_o the_o scripture_n in_o discover_v my_o most_o secret_a corruption_n and_o put_v my_o conscience_n and_o spirit_n into_o such_o fear_n of_o what_o will_v ensue_v in_o case_n i_o do_v not_o cofess_v and_o forsake_v they_o this_o very_a consideration_n viz._n that_o the_o word_n which_o discover_v to_o i_o my_o vain_a and_o sinful_a thought_n and_o condemn_v the_o ill_a life_n i_o have_v lead_v and_o that_o lay_v i_o under_o such_o captivate_a horror_n and_o fear_n for_o the_o same_o must_v needs_o be_v the_o word_n of_o a_o infinite_a all-knowing_a and_o powerful_a god_n do_v foil_n and_o repel_v that_o temptation_n no_o soon_o have_v the_o first_o temptation_n be_v over_o but_o a_o second_o immediate_o ensue_v which_o be_v that_o there_o be_v no_o such_o thing_n as_o a_o god_n in_o nature_n and_o that_o man_n believe_v and_o profess_v the_o be_v of_o a_o god_n be_v more_o from_o use_n of_o custom_n and_o from_o the_o strong_a work_n of_o fancy_n than_o from_o any_o real_a truth_n ground_v on_o sensible_a experience_n oh_o the_o sad_a concussion_n this_o temptation_n give_v to_o the_o power_n of_o nature_n i_o be_v so_o strange_o influence_v by_o it_o that_o i_o solemn_o prosess_v i_o feel_v myself_o sink_v and_o and_o just_a totter_a to_o fall_v off_o my_o foot_n all_o over_o in_o a_o muck_n sweat_n with_o a_o strange_a shiver_a and_o tremble_v in_o all_o the_o power_n and_o part_n of_o soul_n and_o body_n but_o
achilles_n i_o be_o uncertain_a but_o in_o this_o of_o the_o wound_v and_o heal_v of_o my_o soul_n i_o be_o not_o more_o certain_a of_o any_o thing_n in_o nature_n than_o i_o be_o that_o the_o spirit_n of_o christ_n which_o wound_v i_o by_o the_o law_n do_v also_o heal_n i_o by_o the_o gospel_n job_n 5._o 18._o for_o he_o make_v sore_a and_o bind_v up_o he_o wound_v and_o his_o hand_n make_v whole_a observation_n iu._n see_v and_o learn_v hence_o how_o steadfast_a and_o faithful_a god_n be_v to_o his_o word_n of_o promise_n when_o for_o christ_n and_o the_o gospel_n be_v forsake_v and_o cast_v off_o by_o my_o father_n and_o all_o other_o fleshly_a relation_n be_v turn_v out_o empty_z handed_z to_o the_o wide_a world_n and_o not_o know_v whether_o to_o go_v or_o what_o to_o do_v god_n take_v care_n of_o i_o and_o provide_v a_o lodging_n and_o friend_n for_o i_o which_o with_o the_o peace_n of_o my_o conscience_n give_v i_o more_o satisfaction_n and_o comfortable_a content_n than_o all_o the_o gallantry_n and_o greatness_n of_o my_o fleshly_a relation_n those_o sweet_a promise_n record_v in_o the_o scripture_n and_o make_v good_a by_o the_o providence_n of_o god_n have_v oftentimes_o refresh_v and_o ravish_v my_o pensive_a and_o weary_a soul_n psal_n 27._o 10._o when_o my_o father_n and_o my_o mother_n forsake_v i_o than_o the_o lord_n will_v take_v i_o up_o mat._n 19_o 29._o and_o every_o one_o that_o have_v forsake_v house_n or_o brethren_n or_o sister_n or_o father_n or_o mother_n or_o wife_n or_o child_n or_o land_n for_o my_o name_n be_v sake_n shall_v receive_v a_o hundred_o fold_n and_o shall_v inherit_v everlasting_a life_n heb._n 13._o 5._o let_v your_o conversation_n be_v without_o covetousness_n and_o be_v content_a with_o such_o thing_n as_o you_o have_v for_o he_o have_v say_v i_o will_v never_o never_o never_o never_o never_o leave_v thou_o nor_o forsake_v thou_o the_o greek_a have_v no_o less_o than_o five_o negative_n in_o this_o one_o scripture_n to_o assure_v the_o true_a believer_n that_o god_n will_v in_o no_o wise_n forget_v or_o forsake_v he_o i_o have_v be_v forsake_v of_o my_o nurse_n when_o but_o three_o month_n old_a but_o i_o be_v take_v into_o the_o nursery_n of_o god_n providential_a care_n which_o cause_v in_o i_o often_o to_o think_v with_o comfort_n of_o that_o in_o psal_n 22._o 10._o i_o be_v cast_v upon_o thou_o from_o the_o womb_n thou_o be_v my_o god_n from_o my_o mother_n belly_n the_o same_o providence_n which_o take_v care_n of_o the_o head_n takes_z care_n also_o of_o the_o member_n i_o be_v forsake_v of_o my_o bodily_a physician_n but_o the_o great_a physician_n of_o soul_n and_o body_n cure_a i_o by_o poor_a contemptible_a snail_n i_o be_v forsake_v of_o my_o earthly_a father_n and_o all_o fleshly_a relation_n but_o god_n be_v become_v by_o grace_n and_o free_a adoption_n my_o father_n who_o will_v never_o forske_v i_o total_o or_o final_o i_o be_v forsake_v by_o my_o brethren_n and_o sister_n but_o those_o who_o be_v the_o son_n and_o daughter_n of_o god_n they_o be_v become_v my_o brethren_n and_o sister_n and_o albeit_o many_o of_o they_o who_o know_v i_o not_o be_v on_o malicious_a report_n prejudice_v against_o i_o yet_o other_o of_o they_o who_o know_v i_o and_o god_n deal_v with_o i_o they_o love_v i_o dear_o i_o have_v be_v forsake_v by_o several_a of_o my_o church_n member_n in_o ireland_n and_o england_n christ_n my_o lord_n and_o master_n have_v be_v so_o before_o i_o jo._n 6._o 66._o from_o that_o time_n many_o of_o his_o disciple_n go_v back_o and_o walk_v no_o more_o with_o he_o yet_o god_n be_v my_o god_n still_o i_o have_v be_v forsake_v of_o my_o brethren_n in_o the_o sacred_a office_n and_o left_a to_o stand_v alone_o when_o popery_n and_o quakerism_n be_v come_v in_o like_o a_o flood_n none_o step_v in_o to_o help_v or_o encourage_v i_o against_o those_o adversary_n of_o god_n religion_n but_o he_o that_o stand_v by_o paul_n when_o all_o other_o preacher_n in_o his_o day_n forsake_v he_o stand_v by_o i_o and_o embolden_v i_o against_o their_o threat_n and_o malice_n i_o have_v thought_n of_o print_v the_o most_o material_a objection_n bring_v in_o by_o satan_n to_o distress_n and_o distract_v a_o poor_a sinner_n to_o keep_v he_o from_o christ_n and_o how_o the_o spirit_n of_o grace_n teach_v and_o enable_v i_o to_o answer_v they_o all_o but_o my_o intend_a brevity_n have_v prevent_v i_o therein_o all_o glory_n honour_n and_o eternal_a praise_n to_o the_o only_a wise_a and_o glorious_a god_n father_n son_n and_o holy_a ghost_n amen_n amen_n postscript_n je_v satan_n shall_v get_v a_o advantage_n by_o this_o relation_n of_o god_n strange_a and_o wonderful_a deal_n with_o i_o in_o bring_v i_o home_o to_o christ_n in_o such_o a_o unusual_a manner_n and_o his_o handle_v i_o so_o sharp_o by_o the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n as_o also_o his_o bountiful_a deal_n with_o i_o in_o make_v my_o soul_n the_o receptacle_n of_o such_o ravish_a joy_n and_o unutterable_a consolation_n upon_o believe_v in_o christ_n in_o effectual_a call_v i_o think_v it_o may_v be_v seasonable_a to_o give_v the_o present_a caution_n to_o the_o poor_a doubt_v tempt_v believer_n who_o through_o satan_n subtlety_n tempt_v will_v find_v he_o or_o her_z self_n wretched_o prone_a to_o conclude_v from_o what_o they_o read_v of_o my_o conversion_n that_o the_o work_n of_o true_a conversion_n be_v never_o yet_o effectual_o wrought_v in_o themselves_o and_o that_o because_o they_o be_v never_o under_o such_o terrible_a bondage_n of_o soul_n neither_o ever_o yet_o be_v lift_v up_o so_o near_a heaven_n as_o i_o be_v such_o poor_a tempt_v believer_n be_v to_o consider_v the_o particular_n follow_v for_o their_o help_n and_o relief_n against_o the_o tempter_n in_o this_o case_n first_o consider_v that_o as_o in_o nature_n there_o be_v a_o vast_a disparity_n or_o difference_n between_o person_n in_o the_o natural_a birth_n so_o there_o be_v as_o vast_a a_o difference_n in_o the_o spiritual_a birth_n some_o woman_n go_v through_o abundant_o more_o and_o sharp_a pain_n and_o throw_v in_o travel_n than_o other_o meet_v with_o some_o babe_n meet_v with_o great_a difficulty_n and_o danger_n in_o the_o birth_n than_o do_v other_o the_o cause_n whereof_o in_o nature_n though_o they_o appear_v not_o to_o we_o yet_o it_o be_v most_o certain_a that_o so_o it_o be_v so_o in_o conversion_n some_o soul_n pass_v through_o great_a horror_n and_o bondage_n in_o the_o conscience_n than_o other_o do_v some_o be_v bring_v as_o it_o be_v through_o the_o very_a jaw_n of_o hell_n and_o desperation_n as_o i_o be_v other_o be_v deal_v more_o easy_o and_o gentle_o with_o be_v sweet_o allure_v and_o as_o it_o be_v insensible_o transplant_v into_o christ_n they_o not_o well_o know_v what_o be_v do_v to_o they_o paul_n and_o the_o rugged_a jailor_n be_v handle_v more_o rough_o their_o conscience_n be_v more_o deep_o wound_v with_o the_o frightning_n terror_n of_o god_n law_n set_v home_n by_o the_o spirit_n of_o bondage_n than_o lydia_n who_o heart_n the_o lord_n open_v with_o more_o gentle_a touch_v of_o his_o spirit_n act_n 9_o 6._o act_n 16._o 15_o 29._o that_o woman_n who_o be_v safe_o deliver_v without_o any_o danger_n or_o great_a difficulty_n to_o herself_o or_o her_o babe_n have_v no_o reason_n to_o question_n whether_o she_o be_v indeed_o deliver_v because_o she_o go_v not_o through_o such_o danger_n and_o difficulty_n as_o her_o neighbour_n do_v who_o narrow_o escape_v with_o her_o life_n neither_o have_v she_o any_o cause_n of_o be_v jealous_a with_o her_o neighbour_n because_o her_o case_n or_o condition_n be_v more_o dangerous_a and_o desperate_a in_o travel_n than_o be_v she_o own_o thou_o who_o be_v bring_v to_o christ_n by_o the_o gentle_a drawing_n of_o the_o spirit_n of_o grace_n and_o not_o bring_v so_o nigh_o to_o the_o affrightning_n sight_n of_o hell_n and_o to_o such_o a_o sense_n and_o feeling_n of_o the_o pain_n of_o the_o damn_a as_o have_v cause_v some_o to_o think_v themselves_o actual_o in_o hell_n admire_v at_o and_o bless_v god_n for_o his_o condescension_n towards_o thou_o in_o bring_v thou_o through_o the_o new_a birth_n so_o easy_o second_o consider_v that_o albeit_o the_o truth_n of_o thy_o conversion_n be_v not_o so_o sensible_o discern_v as_o the_o conversion_n of_o that_o person_n be_v who_o be_v bring_v home_o in_o the_o way_n of_o legal_a terror_n yet_o thou_o be_v bind_v to_o bless_n god_n for_o the_o small_a measure_n of_o grace_n bestow_v on_o thou_o as_o the_o small_a spark_n of_o fire_n though_o it_o be_v hide_v under_o a_o great_a heap_n of_o ash_n be_v as_o true_o fire_n as_o the_o great_a fire_n in_o nature_n so_o thy_o small_a grace_n which_o in_o comparison_n of_o some_o other_o grace_n may_v be_v so_o weak_a and_o little_a that_o it_o can_v scarce_o be_v discern_v yet_o grace_v it_o be_v though_o thou_o know_v it_o not_o to_o be_v so_o and_o he_o who_o bestow_v it_o on_o thou_o and_o wrought_v it_o in_o thou_o he_o will_v never_o reject_v or_o neglect_v thou_o because_o of_o thy_o little_a grace_n while_o he_o see_v thou_o constant_a and_o diligent_a in_o the_o use_n of_o mean_n labour_v to_o grow_v in_o grace_n esa_n 42._o 3._o mat._n 5._o 6._o esa_n 41._o 17._o phil._n 1._o 6._o oh_o but_o i_o do_v not_o find_v that_o i_o be_o bring_v to_o christ_n and_o which_o be_v far_o worse_a i_o fear_v i_o never_o shall_v to_o this_o i_o answer_v in_o two_o particular_n first_o thy_o very_a fear_n about_o this_o great_a of_n concern_v be_v a_o argument_n of_o thy_o translation_n from_o the_o first_o adam_n to_o the_o second_o adam_n christ_n jesus_n the_o lord_n if_o the_o spirit_n of_o grace_n have_v not_o give_v thou_o some_o sight_n and_o taste_n of_o the_o excellency_n and_o sweetness_n of_o christ_n thou_o can_v never_o prize_v or_o desire_v after_o he_o it_o be_v only_o the_o child_n that_o have_v taste_v the_o honey_n or_o sugar_n that_o long_v and_o cry_v for_o more_o second_o if_o thou_o find_v a_o fix_a resolution_n in_o thy_o soul_n in_o go_v on_o to_o seek_v the_o lord_n and_o his_o strength_n by_o prayer_n and_o supplication_n and_o other_o mean_n of_o grace_n not_o rest_v in_o or_o depend_v upon_o they_o but_o on_o christ_n alone_o for_o life_n and_o salvation_n my_o life_n for_o thou_o come_v death_n when_o god_n please_v to_o send_v it_o it_o will_v end_v all_o thy_o fear_n and_o put_v thou_o beyond_o the_o reach_n of_o all_o thy_o enemy_n thy_o frequent_a cry_v to_o god_n in_o prayer_n for_o christ_n and_o save_v grace_n be_v the_o echo_n of_o christ_n pray_v for_o thea_fw-mi at_o the_o throne_n of_o grace_n and_o thy_o go_v on_o and_o continue_v to_o watch_n at_o wisdom_n gate_n can_v not_o possible_o be_v without_o invisible_a supply_n of_o spiritual_a strength_n communicate_v to_o thy_o soul_n by_o the_o spirit_n of_o christ_n the_o end_n