child whose countenance and habit declared his condition hard Look on that poor child said she I fear it hath a Mother-in-law She delighted much to talk with young ones and was very assiduous to take occasion to open their damnable slate by nature to them and the remedy provided which she alwayes did in â—o 〈◊〉 an affectionate manner as I did judge her the best accomplished to speak to such hearers of any that ever I did hear preach Nor let this part of her worth be looked upon with an undervaluing eye For if among other subjects the Kingdom of Heaven consist of little ones then those that shâ—w them the way to it will doubtless shine like Stars for ever and ever I was much more benefited by her example in the praclick part of Christianity and therein the true value and dignity of it consists than I was able to requite in contributing to her knowledge in the Theory of it of which benefit notwithstanding she made mentioâ— frequently acknowledging Goa's mercy to her in it If it be said by some and I make no question it will be or at least thought for the sinful mind of man will suggest any thing to secure it self from Conviction of being in a carnal perishing damnable state all the time it is so the Devil was once very strong in this Woman he tempted her to great sins and brought her almost to despair I thank God Almighty he never had so much power over me I have â—ver been of good hope if you call this Conversion keep it to your self and much good may it do you but God bless me and every good body from such a Condition To this I say in general that I have not such store of words as out of them I can pick and chuse some to give this Objector his due he being the spawn and extract of folly and self-confidence But that this which he contemns is Conversion is notoriously known to all the Children of Wisdom and it is a state wherein every one that 's not found before Death removes his habitation will undoubtedly perish I shall certainly meet with him who agrees not with me herein at a place where he will be of my mind The Devil never was so strong with me saith he as to lead me into such distress And how make you that appear you snore out the evidence of it in your Apoplectick fit you are well because you feel not your sickness and whole because your wound throbs not A dead man may so argue you never knew the Devils terrifying rage that 's because you are under his reign Princes leâ—y not War against Subjects that pay them due allegiance nor doth thâ— Master of the house muster up his powers so â—or gas none attempt to dispossess him The Keeper of a prison is quiet while his Prisoners are so but if he peeps in at a â—revice or by listening perceives them tinkering with their Fetters or making the least provision for an escape he doubles his Guards and encreases their weight of Iron Nay to descend from Men to the behaviour of Beasts ask Job and he will tell thee Job 6. 5. that the wild Ass doth not bray when he hath grass enough nor the Oxe low over his fodder Ignorance in which thou art held is a Chain long enough to take in the links of every lust Yet cryest thou the Devil hath not such power over me Know wretched man that the reign of sin makes a man servant to it and unknown undiscovered lusts sit at most ease in their â—hrone meeting with most undisturbâ—d obedience from their subjects as having no resistance so much as from a natural Conscience which is the sole Officer set up in a natural man to hinder him from all manner of extravagancy and brutish madness Therefore the blindness of such a Beast as thou art leading thee to the Precipice of Hell makes every seeing person tremble as thou thy self dost when thou seest a man that hath no eyes walking about the brink of a Well or Coalpit Some without pumping pour out buckets of Vncleaness Blasphemies and Execrations wallow in the vomit of Drunkenness and multiply Bribery Injustice Oppression and all kind of Cruelty and the burthen of the Song must still be The Devil is not so strong in me Well may those think so then who have escaped the pollutions of the world in such lusts But what strength will these men allow the Devil to have in them before they admit him to have any at all whereas in truth the chain of an unsanctified estate secures the Devils possession in all who are held in it All the Prisoners in Newgate are not there for Treason or Murther yet they may be in for that that will as certainly send them to Tyburn But still you urge What make you of us We have peace and you that call your selves the People of God have no more we worship God as well as you and what would you have us do It is true you have peace and the People of God have no more it may be not so much The fault I find is with the Nature of your Peace Theirs and yours too is a Peace that passeth all understanding but in very different senses For what peace to the wicked saith my God You worship God as well as they not so well Friend though as much for yours is superstitious formal fleshly Worship tendered to a deity created in your own fancy their 's the Oblations of spiritual instituted Worship to the God that made Heaven and Earth and the wide Sea Things standing thus ask your selves how it will fare with you when you must exchange your well-adorned Galleries for the dark and cloudy Walks of temporal and eternal Death Your pleasant bathing Tubs for Rivers of burning Pâ—tch when those Veins and Arteries of your Bodies wherein healthy blood and lively spirits ride circuit shall be filld with Fire and Brimstone and this state to endure for ever I fear â—hen you will find the Devil strong in you and that a good condition that you pray God to deliver you and every good body from Give me leave in the mean while to advance my Prâ—yer against yours that God would bring every lost Soul into the saving sence of its lostness and that these darts might fall into your Consciences and remain in the wound till they be drawn out by the hand of the Spirit and healed by the Blood of the Cross And let those read here the great Works of God and be comforted strengthened and established whose eternal happiness in the despised way of grace is secured assuring themselves that he that hath begun a good work in them will perfect it in no wise casting them away that come to him or failing to save to the utmost all that come to God by him It is true the gate is strait and the way narrow that leadeth to Life not so much in it self but from blind sinful man who
with Christ as Heathens do with their â—dol gods Now before I had this so near a discovery of Christ all my care was to please God without his mediation For I did think him at peace with me already and that I had obtained his favour by my love to him expressing it self in the manner before related This I have since much observed to be the case of poor sensless souls never effectually touch'd with the sence of sin The title of a Christian and the common notion of Christ quiers and pleases them sufficiently saying in effect Let us go with thee and bear thy name but we will eat our own bread But God left me not to this pass but caused the real Majesty and greatness of his Son so to bâ—eak out upon me as to convince me that the same honour was due to him that was due to the Father and that I must apply to him as the onely Peace-maker and Mediator betweed God and my soul At this time was the Scripture fulfilled in me which saith No man cometh to the Father but by the Son and again No man cometh to me except the Father draw him Satan from whom before this time I had received no temptation concerning Christ like a Lyon in a seeming sleep roused himself with great sury and rage that if possible he might keep me from believing and closing with God in a Covenant of Grace The first scruple he cast in was With what safety or prudence I could adventure my eternal happiness upon him of whom so great a Question was in the world whether he were the Son of God or no To help my self against this I read the History of him in the Evangelists but could not do it peaceably for the blasphemies injected by Satan into my thoughts concerning him By this means the old wound of my Conscience not yet healed began again to throb and bleed afresh Fairn which carnal people speak of as if they wore it in their Pockets I found hard to a degree of difficulty next impossible My desires prest vehemently after Faith but found no adherence to or resting on Christ which I could pâ—rceive or take comfort from For while I read meditated of and sought to Jesus Christ I could find nothing but unbelieving undervaluing thoughts partly arising from mine own heart and partly cast in by Satan At length having spent many sad and weary hours in searching I met with the Parable of the unjust Judge recorded Luke 18. 1 2 3 c. under which Christ recommends to us importunity in prayer from the example of him who administred Justice to a poor Widow to free himself from the troable he soresaw she would give him though he feared not God nor regarded Man The Spirit of God set this so home upon me as closing the book suddenly I said within my self Is it even so then Lord I will never give thee rest but my soul shall with thy gracious Assistance follow hard after thee till I have found the thing I seek Upon this I found some dawnings of Faith and Hope yet was this twilight soon made dark by the advantage Satan took of my weakness to recover in what degree he could his almost lost possession To the best of my remembâ—ance I was exercised in this manner with various disquietments for the space of three years which while I revolved in my mind meditating on my condition and walking alone this Scripture was suggested to me For a little moment have I bid my face from thee but with everlasting kindness will I return to thee saith the Lord. At the first view I knew it to be Scripture but understood it not under the notion of a Gospel-promise as being then unacquainted with that term But this was not more pertinent than seasonable the Consolation issuing from it being imprest very deep upon me I fell to reason from it What if God hides his face from me for a season which I think long admit all my dayes yet it is but a moment to Eternity and the happiness of being received into favour at last will swallow up all my grief in the interim and that in a moment to be sure The History of St. Paul's Conversion was a great inducement to my Faith also at this time In the strength of that which I had by this means obtained I resolved to go foreward waiting the good pleasure of the Lord for further manifestations The next establishment I received was by reading the story of one cured by Christ of Blindness John 9. In reading which Chapter I observed the manner of the cure and the consequence of it I took notice of the behaviour of the hypocritical rebellious gain-saying Pharisees towards him on whom the miracle was wrought and of their opprobrious Blasphemies against him that wrought it I found my heart cleaving to the man that was healed for owning Christ and my hatred kindled against them who upon this occasion did reproach and vilifie him Yet withall the old Tempter played his game vcxing me with insinuations that for ought I knew the Pharisees spake true of him being hereby put into an unquiet frame I fate lamenting the hardness of my heart and concluding I could not obtain Mercy at his hand of whom I was apt to entertain such base thoughts Hereupon thorow weariness and heaviness of spirit I fell into a slumber in which Christ seemed to appear to me with his breast open and Blood issuing out as Water from a Fountain and uttered these words viz Come drink freely and be satâ—fied Upon this invitation I seemed to draw near to him and to drink of his Blood abundantly and with great pleasure continuing still thirsting and drinking while I awoke from sleep and found my self gasping for breath and soul and body refresht as with a rich Cordial My soul was hereby greatly melted with love to Christ for condescending to me in so great a strait with so much tenderness and familiarity and I did resolve to believe in him with the same earnestness with which in my dream I seemed to drink in his Blood From that time I began to have the sense of his Love and enjoyment of his Presence yet not without opposition for Satan instantly stept in and told me it was but a dream and would I be so foolish as to bottom Soul-comfort upon dreams I answered That I would not contend about the nature of this dream but sure I was that when I was awakened out of it God did enable me to believe more stedfastly than before and this I looked upon as a sound argument of comfort After this I continued with much more Peace Light and direction whence to fetch Peace of Conscience than I had formerly been acquainted with till the Forge of Hell had formed another Weapon to break this Work in me which was by perswading me That the Scripture was not the Word of God but meerly of man's invention and if so it was but an imaginary
leave it That which I intend to conclude withal as to my living at Whitehol is the change of my practice in Church-matters The form I was bred under was Episcopal against which I had none other mind than all persons have against that wherein they are educated and of the contrary to which they understand nothing Tht Society I couversed with at my first coming to London was Presbyterians That which I closed with after I came to Westminster was Congregational or Independent for so they have of late been distinguished The srâ—â—l mind of man being through ignorance mutable it is no easie thing to attain to stability nor can it be till Truth fixes it I think those fall under the deserved character of wavering minded men who go forward in the wayes of truth and then return back again that retreat is dishonourable For it was not Pauls errour to change his practice upon Conversion though I have heard that the Turks charge him with a crime in it and to be sure the Jews did But with the bewitched Galatians to begin in the spirit and to seek perfection by the works of the Law is dangerous Apostacy To pass from Episcopacy to Presbytery thence to Independency and then for outward advantage to return back again yea though they went but the first step will certainly merit no better name than Time-serving But not to be too ready in condemning others that which I have to do is to assign the reason of mine own practice It is little of the spirit of discerning I pretend to yet if I have any of the Spirit of Christ and hope of eternal Happiness I must not quit all claim to it From that little of it which I have I do profess I have been acquainted with very Holy Men of all the fore-named different Perswasions and have not been a little scandalized at the behaviour of some of them towards their dissenting Brethren who have little practised that Gospel Grace Forbearance as clearly commanded in the Word as any other dutie It is no new or strange thing that there should be found the effâ—cts of enmity between the Seed of the Woman and the seed of the Serpent But that Christ should be devided is neither lawful comfortable nor comely And now to the reason why I sate down with Independants in spiritual Communion it was Because I found them agreeing with the other two in all fundamental Doctrines belonging to Salvation and at least as I think exercising the power of those principles more in practice I observed that in their Doctrine they separated betwixt the precious and the vile betwixt regenerate and unregenerate by the same rules and notes of distinction Even some Episcopal men did so as Vsher and Reynolds with some few more and the Presbyterians generally went that way but then in practice they call them holy whom in Doctrine they pronounce Prophane admitting them to those Gospel-institutions which are the peculiar priviledges of the Saints And to justifie what they do they setch presidents from Corinth and other Churches in the Apostles times nay they travel further even to the old Church of the Jews to shew how corrupt a Church may be and yet retain the essence of a Church when such a simple woman as I am apt to think their time would be better spent in purging out the old leaven that the body might be a new lump 1 Cor. 5. 7. This at an adventure made me cleave to them in whom I sourd most of that spirit which from the beginning of my Conversion had acted and comforted me And let it suffice that I can say no more for my self herein because I am not able to try hard Arguments or untie knotty Controversies plenty of which I am told the differences betwixt them have afforded Nay I must consess I yet understand not what those things are that give them their different denominations though I have heard it in debates often so little impression did it leave upon me This only I find that Episcopecy in its last restitution comeâ— attended with such prophaness as the very fight of it hath made me rejoyce in the hopes of being delivered by death from beholding those judgements which I fear will fall upon soâ—â— of my dearest relations for being too near those things And now upon the sad consideration of what is herein written Oh! you my unregenerate unacquaintance and such of my relations as are in that condition let me address some Questions Tell me honestly what think you of this story The Narrative I have made of God's dealing with me I solemnly profess to be in every tittle true but not by much all that which might have been said I have caused it to be written in that which I account my last sickness with none other intent but to give God the glory of his dealing with me and bring you to happiness the like way Now can you think that this great work was from Satan It is true Satan tempted and troubled me in my childhood but I was brought to Christ by it Did Satan intend that think you And hath Christ in requital of Satans kindness therein returned me back as a present to him Judge I pray you in your most retired thoughts for I appeal to your Consciences from your wild discourses wherein out of your natural enmity to Conversion you call it Phrenzy and to a holy conversation which gaines no better title from you than Phanatism or which is worse Sedition and Rebellion and â—he words wherein it is held out Cantâ—â—g I was known to you from my youth and I appeal to that knowledge yet without vain glory was not my whole carriage as free from offence as the generality of youth is if not more free and gaining How comes it then that sin should be made thus burthensome to me when you seem to bear it so lightly My Soul hath oft mourned for you in secret God knows and I was encouraged thereto because for some God heard me and delivered them out of their desperate state Original sin hath dreadfully desaced the Principles of Truth and darkened the Beams of Light that once were in mans heart yet not so totally but that I dare appeal to the remnants of them in you whether you do not think this that hath been said is the work of God bringing home a lost creature and leading a blind sinner in the streight way to Life to which your selves are strangers for to such I speak knowing assuredly that the generation of the Just do eccho to all that I have saidâ— And that I was raised from the dead by that Power which Christ himself was raised Ephes 1. 19 20. and am kept by no less Power to this very day And if so then as Daniel said to Nebuchadnezzar Let my counsel accepted of you Break off your sins by Repentance your unbelief by Faith your superstition ignorance and prophaness by Purity Integrity and a sound understanding of the Wayes of God in his Worship You little think how oâ—t I have sought God for you herein wherein if I obtain answer I shall at length meet yoâ— as coheirs of the Rest purchased by Christ However the election of God shall stand and he knoweth who are his And let what I have herein declared remain upon record as a witness of what God hath done for some and particularly for me against those who in despite of all kindes of teaching whether by word or example do violently pursue their lusts to their eternal and most just destruction FINIS