spirit_n and_o keep_v it_o from_o utter_a despair_n and_o give_v up_o so_o as_o to_o be_v whole_o of_o satan_n mind_n for_o though_o my_o fear_n and_o trouble_n be_v great_a and_o indeed_o unutterable_a yet_o do_v the_o lord_n so_o secret_o support_v i_o that_o i_o do_v not_o know_v that_o ever_o he_o suffer_v i_o peremptory_o to_o conclude_v that_o i_o shall_v certain_o perish_v as_o satan_n continual_o suggest_v to_o i_o though_o i_o still_o fear_v it_o which_o fear_n be_v so_o great_a that_o they_o come_v well_o nigh_o unto_o despair_n which_o notwithstanding_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o though_o in_o a_o poor_a weak_a and_o low_a measure_n yet_o to_o follow_v he_o still_o often_o tell_v he_o that_o if_o i_o do_v perish_v my_o desire_n be_v to_o perish_v come_v towards_o he_o follow_v of_o he_o and_o beg_a mercy_n from_o he_o then_o in_o the_o year_n 1650._o june_n the_o 28_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o lay_v a_o very_a sad_a and_o heavy_a affliction_n upon_o i_o in_o take_v from_o i_o my_o dear_a and_o precious_a father_n who_o be_v the_o chief_a comfort_n of_o my_o natural_a life_n and_o this_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o do_v it_o in_o so_o sad_a and_o so_o sudden_a a_o manner_n which_o make_v it_o take_v the_o deep_a impression_n upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o indeed_o add_v much_o to_o my_o inward_a as_o well_o as_o my_o outward_a trouble_n be_v also_o accompany_v with_o many_o sad_a temptation_n and_o suggestion_n to_o instance_n in_o one_o to_o two_o it_o be_v strong_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v do_v this_o mere_o in_o just_a judgement_n to_o manifest_v his_o displeasure_n against_o i_o and_o show_v i_o that_o he_o be_v so_o far_o from_o hear_v my_o prayer_n wherein_o i_o do_v often_o much_o beg_v his_o life_n of_o the_o lord_n that_o now_o he_o will_v not_o only_o take_v he_o from_o i_o but_o even_o in_o this_o sad_a severe_a manner_n not_o once_o permit_v he_o to_o speak_v to_o i_o or_o i_o with_o he_o which_o be_v also_o further_o aggravate_v with_o these_o thought_n that_o it_o be_v the_o more_o just_a with_o the_o lord_n thus_o to_o deal_v with_o i_o because_o i_o have_v not_o give_v he_o due_a praise_n for_o such_o a_o mercy_n as_o i_o have_v in_o so_o long_o enjoy_v he_o nor_o yet_o have_v make_v that_o use_n of_o his_o fatherly_a counsel_n and_o advice_n in_o this_o time_n of_o my_o doubt_n and_o fear_n as_o i_o may_v have_v do_v thus_o be_v toss_v to_o and_o fro_o and_o as_o it_o be_v in_o a_o wilderness_n in_o my_o own_o thought_n to_o think_v what_o the_o lord_n mean_v by_o this_o sad_a dispensation_n or_o will_v have_v i_o take_v notice_n of_o at_o the_o last_o desire_v to_o satisfy_v myself_o that_o it_o be_v a_o affliction_n of_o which_o all_o be_v partaker_n and_o that_o to_o be_v without_o affliction_n be_v not_o a_o condition_n of_o sonship_n and_o also_o consider_v that_o it_o be_v no_o other_o for_o the_o matter_n than_o what_o i_o have_v for_o many_o year_n both_o expect_v and_o fear_v and_o indeed_o a_o wonder_n all_o thing_n be_v right_o weigh_v that_o i_o shall_v enjoy_v he_o so_o long_o as_o through_o mercy_n i_o do_v thus_o after_o some_o time_n of_o stubborn_a rebellion_n against_o god_n in_o not_o submit_v quiet_o to_o his_o will_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o at_o the_o last_o to_o begin_v to_o bethink_v myself_o what_o that_o evil_a may_v be_v in_o i_o which_o the_o lord_n have_v now_o strike_v at_o and_o will_v i_o have_v sensible_a of_o by_o this_o his_o deal_n with_o i_o and_o upon_o examination_n find_v nothing_o wherein_o i_o can_v more_o charge_v myself_o than_o in_o immoderate_a affection_n to_o he_o and_o so_o put_v he_o in_o stead_n of_o god_n i_o do_v at_o last_o though_o with_o much_o repulse_n in_o my_o wicked_a spirit_n acknowledge_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n and_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o he_o will_v show_v i_o more_o and_o more_o what_o his_o mind_n and_o meaning_n be_v in_o this_o so_o heavy_a a_o stroke_n and_o that_o as_o he_o have_v now_o by_o his_o own_o immediate_a hand_n bring_v i_o within_o the_o letter_n of_o the_o promise_n be_v now_o fatherless_a that_o he_o will_v also_o make_v it_o good_a to_o i_o in_o reveal_v himself_o to_o be_v a_o father_n to_o i_o in_o jesus_n christ_n and_o thus_o i_o continue_v sometime_o toss_v to_o and_o fro_o with_o divers_a and_o sundry_a temptation_n have_v none_o to_o speak_v a_o word_n of_o comfort_n to_o i_o in_o this_o my_o distress_n i_o make_v none_o acquaint_v with_o this_o my_o condition_n but_o in_o this_o thing_n whole_o yield_v to_o satan_n to_o keep_v all_o to_o myself_o have_v no_o ease_n nor_o vent_v for_o my_o spirit_n but_o only_o when_o i_o be_v in_o any_o measure_n enable_v to_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n in_o which_o my_o spirit_n be_v also_o oftentimes_o much_o bind_v up_o though_o sometime_o again_o enlarge_v then_o about_o 2_o or_o 3_o month_n after_o be_v towards_o the_o end_n of_o september_n 1650._o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o cast_v my_o mother_n as_o also_o myself_o both_o at_o one_o time_n upon_o our_o bed_n of_o sickness_n visit_v we_o with_o very_o strong_a fever_n which_o be_v towards_o winter_n bring_v we_o very_o low_a which_o meet_v with_o the_o inward_a trouble_n of_o my_o spirit_n lie_v very_o sad_o upon_o i_o at_o which_o time_n in_o the_o midst_n of_o all_o my_o weakness_n i_o be_v bring_v to_o this_o resolution_n in_o my_o own_o thought_n be_v toss_v up_o and_o down_o in_o my_o spirit_n as_o well_o as_o in_o my_o body_n so_o that_o now_o i_o do_v no_o long_o desire_v any_o continuance_n of_o this_o natural_a life_n of_o i_o nor_o yet_o promise_v the_o lord_n any_o amendment_n of_o life_n as_o i_o have_v former_o do_v in_o all_o my_o other_o sickness_n though_o i_o can_v never_o make_v good_a any_o of_o these_o promise_n vow_n or_o covenant_n by_o i_o so_o make_v hereupon_o i_o consider_v though_o with_o much_o trouble_n of_o spirit_n that_o i_o have_v find_v by_o sad_a and_o often_o experience_n that_o if_o i_o shall_v live_v never_o so_o long_o i_o shall_v live_v never_o the_o better_a nor_o gain_v any_o more_o assurance_n of_o my_o salvation_n and_o well-being_n therefore_o the_o desire_n of_o life_n be_v now_o whole_o take_v from_o i_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o at_o the_o last_o to_o take_v up_o such_o thought_n as_o these_o that_o from_o the_o bottom_n of_o my_o heart_n i_o do_v and_o have_v for_o a_o long_a time_n desire_v to_o fear_v and_o serve_v the_o lord_n and_o that_o those_o many_o fail_n which_o accompany_v all_o my_o obedience_n be_v the_o burden_n of_o my_o life_n and_o that_o if_o the_o lord_n will_v have_v be_v please_v to_o have_v give_v i_o more_o freedom_n of_o spirit_n and_o set_v my_o soul_n more_o at_o liberty_n to_o have_v walk_v after_o his_o will_n it_o will_v have_v be_v as_o a_o heaven_n upon_o earth_n to_o i_o but_o contrary_o i_o see_v i_o be_v still_o press_v under_o with_o a_o body_n of_o death_n by_o reason_n of_o which_o i_o do_v nothing_o but_o offend_v night_n and_o day_n and_o that_o the_o long_o i_o live_v i_o do_v but_o aggravate_v my_o sin_n and_o condemnation_n i_o do_v therefore_o desire_v power_n to_o cast_v myself_o and_o the_o whole_a weight_n of_o my_o salvation_n upon_o jesus_n christ_n and_o although_o i_o can_v not_o confident_o believe_v that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v good_a to_o i_o yet_o i_o see_v that_o there_o be_v no_o salvation_n any_o where_o else_o and_o therefore_o do_v desire_n to_o rely_v whole_o upon_o he_o acknowledge_v that_o i_o deserve_v nothing_o but_o hell_n and_o that_o if_o ever_o he_o bestow_v any_o thing_n else_o upon_o i_o it_o be_v infinite_a unspeakable_a mercy_n thus_o i_o continue_v for_o many_o day_n often_o long_v for_o the_o time_n of_o my_o dissolution_n wherein_o i_o shall_v sin_v and_o dishonour_n god_n no_o more_o which_o both_v myself_o and_o other_o about_o i_o think_v not_o to_o be_v far_o off_o yet_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v after_o some_o few_o weak_n in_o some_o measure_n to_o raise_v up_o my_o weak_a body_n which_o be_v nigh_o unto_o the_o dust_n and_o after_o some_o time_n to_o go_v on_o by_o degree_n perfect_v of_o my_o health_n all_o which_o time_n be_v accompany_v with_o many_o a_o sad_a thought_n my_o trouble_n still_o increase_v as_o fast_o as_o my_o bodily_a health_n at_o the_o last_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o turn_v my_o thought_n upon_o those_o expression_n of_o david_n in_o psal_n 42._o 5_o 11._o wherein_o he_o call_v his_o soul_n to_o account_v say_v why_o be_v thou_o cast_v down_o o_o my_o soul_n and_o
&_o 66._o 16._o 1_o tim._n 1._o 13_o 14_o 15_o 16._o act._n 22._o there_o be_v also_o sudden_o after_o this_o present_v to_o i_o as_o one_o thing_n that_o the_o lord_n may_v aim_v at_o in_o this_o touch_n of_o he_o even_o to_o mind_n i_o that_o i_o have_v not_o that_o degree_n of_o compassion_n or_o fellow_n feel_v as_o i_o ought_v of_o that_o affliction_n which_o in_o some_o respect_n in_o the_o same_o kind_n though_o in_o a_o great_a degree_n lie_v upon_o our_o sister_n arnat_a by_o reason_n of_o a_o great_a fever_n and_o doubtless_o there_o may_v be_v something_o in_o this_o though_o i_o shall_v also_o wrong_v myself_o shall_v i_o not_o acknowledge_v much_o and_o continue_a work_v in_o my_o heart_n for_o and_o towards_o she_o which_o oft_o occasion_v i_o to_o spread_v her_o condition_n before_o the_o lord_n according_a to_o my_o poor_a measure_n but_o upon_o the_o 25_o of_o this_o 11_o month_n in_o the_o night_n i_o have_v little_a or_o no_o rest_n by_o reason_n of_o the_o great_a distemper_n which_o lie_v upon_o i_o and_o real_o i_o do_v not_o well_o know_v whether_o the_o distemper_n of_o my_o body_n or_o my_o mind_n be_v the_o great_a but_o both_o meeting_n it_o lay_v somewhat_o heavy_a upon_o the_o flesh_n which_o think_v itself_o ready_a to_o give_v up_o under_o it_o but_o my_o thought_n be_v continual_o work_v i_o find_v in_o my_o spirit_n a_o great_a natural_a reluctancy_n against_o death_n which_o seem_v at_o time_n as_o it_o be_v to_o approach_v often_o think_v that_o it_o be_v not_o possible_a in_o natural_a reason_n that_o i_o can_v continue_v until_o morning_n yet_o say_v i_o nothing_o for_o fear_v of_o affright_v my_o mother_n yet_o have_v i_o also_o between_o time_n a_o great_a desire_n together_o with_o a_o kind_n of_o persuasion_n that_o for_o all_o this_o i_o shall_v be_v enable_v to_o hear_v mr._n knight_n next_o morning_n who_o turn_n it_o be_v to_o preach_v at_o the_o chapel_n at_o fulham_n thus_o i_o say_v find_v in_o my_o spirit_n some_o kind_n of_o reluctancy_n at_o death_n of_o which_o consider_v a_o little_a it_o be_v that_o corruption_n which_o i_o think_v have_v now_o be_v in_o some_o good_a measure_n crucify_v but_o find_v it_o still_o to_o work_v up_o be_v no_o small_a trouble_n to_o i_o which_o together_o with_o many_o other_o fear_n that_o lay_v upon_o my_o spirit_n as_o that_o i_o shall_v not_o be_v enable_v to_o sanctify_v the_o name_n of_o god_n or_o honour_v he_o under_o this_o affliction_n which_o be_v indeed_o the_o ground_n of_o my_o trouble_n at_o the_o approach_n of_o death_n and_o if_o i_o know_v my_o heart_n in_o any_o measure_n that_o only_o which_o i_o resolve_v in_o myself_o to_o declare_v to_o some_o friend_n i_o shall_v meet_v at_o fulham_n next_o day_n if_o the_o lord_n shall_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o to_o go_v and_o so_o beg_v their_o remembrance_n at_o the_o throne_n of_o grace_n but_o be_v enable_v to_o consider_v better_o of_o it_o i_o be_v give_v to_o see_v that_o it_o be_v nothing_o but_o a_o mere_a temptation_n to_o distrust_v the_o power_n and_o love_n of_o god_n to_o think_v as_o if_o he_o shall_v now_o bring_v i_o into_o that_o condition_n that_o he_o will_v not_o carry_v i_o through_o whereupon_o i_o be_v enable_v to_o gather_v up_o my_o spirit_n a_o little_a and_o in_o some_o better_a measure_n to_o submit_v to_o the_o hand_n and_o will_n of_o my_o father_n which_o i_o be_v now_o assure_v shall_v certain_o end_v in_o his_o glory_n and_o my_o good_a and_o to_o this_o end_n i_o be_v now_o also_o enable_v again_o to_o call_v over_o that_o bless_a promise_n in_o rom._n 8._o 28._o that_o all_o thing_n shall_v work_v yea_o work_v together_o for_o good_a to_o they_o that_o love_n god_n etc._n etc._n which_o promise_n i_o have_v often_o find_v by_o experience_n have_v be_v make_v good_a to_o my_o soul_n and_o be_v therefore_o much_o trouble_v that_o any_o distrustful_a thought_n shall_v arise_v in_o i_o concern_v it_o divers_z other_o promise_n also_o before_o mention_v be_v now_o bring_v to_o my_o mind_n and_o wrought_v afresh_o upon_o my_o heart_n which_o do_v exceed_o refresh_v my_o spirit_n so_o that_o the_o first_o refreshment_n which_o i_o find_v be_v in_o my_o spirit_n and_o after_o that_o be_v a_o little_a quiet_v i_o have_v a_o little_a short_a slumber_n and_o do_v the_o lord_n so_o far_o mitigate_v my_o bodily_a distemper_n as_o that_o it_o do_v not_o hinder_v i_o from_o that_o bless_a opportunity_n next_o day_n though_o accompany_v with_o much_o bodily_a weakness_n but_o upon_o the_o 2_o day_n of_o the_o 12_o month_n 1652._o i_o find_v my_o distemper_n of_o body_n much_o abate_v in_o so_o much_o as_o i_o think_v it_o be_v now_o quite_o go_v but_o that_o very_a night_n be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o return_v yea_o to_o heighten_v it_o constrain_a i_o to_o keep_v house_n certain_a day_n whereby_o i_o perceive_v that_o this_o work_n upon_o my_o soul_n be_v not_o yet_o accomplish_v nor_o i_o full_o acquaint_v with_o his_o mind_n and_o will_n in_o it_o which_o be_v some_o trouble_n to_o i_o whereupon_o i_o again_o beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o acquaint_v i_o with_o his_o mind_n and_o will_n in_o it_o and_o to_o sanctify_v it_o unto_o i_o give_v i_o a_o heart_n to_o submit_v to_o whatsoever_o he_o have_v yet_o further_o to_o lay_v upon_o i_o in_o which_o i_o also_o seek_v the_o prayer_n of_o his_o people_n upon_o the_o 6_o of_o this_o month_n but_o upon_o the_o seven_o day_n of_o this_o month_n providence_n offer_v some_o occasion_n whereby_o i_o be_v put_v upon_o the_o thought_n of_o part_v with_o my_o aunt_n dogget_n who_o be_v upon_o remove_n into_o the_o country_n with_o many_o thought_n there_o about_o which_o be_v now_o bring_v to_o my_o mind_n which_o occasion_v such_o a_o heavyness_n to_o possess_v my_o spirit_n upon_o other_o account_n also_o which_o come_v in_o to_o add_v to_o the_o other_o in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o be_v even_o as_o it_o be_v overwhelm_v with_o it_o until_o i_o be_v enable_v to_o vent_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n at_o which_o time_n he_o be_v please_v to_o discover_v to_o i_o that_o this_o be_v mere_o to_o return_v as_o it_o be_v from_o the_o lord_n to_o the_o creature_n for_o comfort_n and_o support_v as_o if_o he_o be_v not_o able_a abundant_o to_o make_v up_o in_o himself_o the_o want_n of_o such_o a_o comfort_n and_o relation_n if_o he_o see_v meet_v to_o deprive_v i_o of_o it_o the_o thought_n of_o which_o do_v much_o grieve_v i_o then_o do_v the_o lord_n also_o show_v i_o how_o i_o have_v continual_o provoke_v he_o in_o this_o kind_n by_o lean_v upon_o such_o poor_a reed_n and_o dige_v to_o myself_o such_o poor_a pit_n such_o break_a cistern_n as_o can_v indeed_o hold_v no_o water_n and_o in_o the_o mean_a time_n too_o much_o neglect_v he_o the_o fountain_n of_o live_a water_n jer._n 2._o 13._o yea_o while_o i_o be_v thus_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o lament_v my_o miserable_a and_o wretched_a folly_n he_o be_v please_v also_o to_o cast_v my_o thought_n upon_o that_o part_n of_o scripture_n i_o find_v record_v in_o 1_o king_n 11._o 9_o how_o the_o lord_n be_v angry_a with_o solomon_n because_o his_o heart_n be_v turn_v from_o the_o lord_n god_n of_o israel_n which_o have_v appear_v to_o he_o twice_o even_o so_o i_o see_v the_o lord_n have_v just_a cause_n to_o be_v angry_a with_o i_o that_o i_o shall_v thus_o again_o return_v to_o the_o creature_n and_o as_o it_o be_v make_v a_o god_n of_o it_o yea_o after_o such_o eminent_a appearance_n of_o his_o to_o my_o soul_n the_o same_o day_n do_v the_o lord_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n that_o severe_a threaten_n against_o moab_n who_o have_v be_v at_o ease_n from_o his_o youth_n and_o be_v settle_v on_o his_o lees_n who_o have_v not_o be_v empty_v from_o vessel_n to_o vessel_n neither_o have_v go_v into_o captivity_n and_o therefore_o his_o taste_n remain_v in_o he_o and_o his_o scent_n be_v not_o change_v jer._n 48._o 11_o now_o find_v this_o give_v by_o the_o spirit_n of_o god_n as_o the_o reason_n why_o his_o scent_n remain_v even_o because_o he_o have_v not_o be_v empty_v etc._n etc._n i_o can_v not_o but_o stand_v and_o wonder_n what_o reason_n can_v be_v give_v of_o the_o corruption_n in_o my_o heart_n who_o the_o lord_n have_v not_o leave_v at_o ease_n but_o have_v often_o empty_v from_o vessel_n to_o vessel_n as_o it_o be_v try_v always_o and_o mean_v with_o i_o and_o yet_o that_o i_o shall_v still_o savour_v so_o much_o of_o the_o earth_n and_o of_o the_o old_a man_n and_o shall_v still_o so_o incline_v to_o depend_v upon_o a_o arm_n of_o flesh_n 2_o chron._n 32._o
a_o wise_a virgin_n lamp_n burn_v or_o god_n sweet_a income_n of_o love_n to_o a_o gracious_a soul_n wait_v for_o he_o be_v the_o experience_n of_o mrs._n anne_n venn_n daughter_n to_o col._n john_n venn_n &_o member_n of_o the_o church_n of_o christ_n at_o fulham_n write_v by_o she_o own_o hand_n and_o find_v in_o her_o closet_n after_o her_o death_n wherein_o be_v declare_v she_o exceed_v frequent_a address_n to_o the_o throne_n of_o grace_n and_o how_o speedy_o answer_v write_a for_o the_o comfort_n of_o such_o as_o mourn_v in_o zion_n and_o quicken_a of_o saint_n by_o her_o bless_a example_n psal_n 30.5_o weep_n may_v endure_v for_o a_o night_n but_o joy_n come_v in_o the_o morning_n psal_n 66.16_o come_v and_o hear_v all_o you_o that_o fear_v god_n i_o will_v declare_v what_o he_o have_v do_v for_o my_o soul_n psal_n 85.8_o i_o will_v hear_v what_o god_n the_o lord_n will_v say_v for_o he_o will_v speak_v peace_n to_o his_o people_n lam._n 3.25_o the_o lord_n be_v good_a to_o they_o that_o wait_v for_o he_o to_o the_o soul_n that_o seek_v he_o london_n print_v for_o e._n cole_n and_o be_v to_o be_v sell_v at_o the_o sign_n of_o the_o printing-press_n in_o cornhill_n 1658._o christian_n reader_n here_o may_v thou_o see_v the_o free_a frequent_a &_o familiar_a intercourse_n betwixt_o the_o lord_n &_o a_o godly_a soul_n her_o continual_a address_n to_o he_o and_o his_o gracious_a return_v to_o she_o doubtless_o she_o be_v one_o that_o as_o it_o be_v say_v of_o caleb_n follow_v god_n full_o and_o lay_v as_o much_o in_o the_o bosom_n of_o christ_n as_o any_o that_o i_o have_v hear_v of_o a_o rare_a pattern_n in_o these_o cold_a decline_a time_n wherein_o so_o many_o either_o turn_n aside_o from_o the_o truth_n or_o else_o lose_v their_o first_o love_n but_o her_o pious_a soul_n in_o a_o eminent_a manner_n keep_v truth_n and_o zeal_n warm_v she_o in_o heart_n even_o till_o she_o enjoy_v full_a communion_n with_o her_o belove_a in_o heaven_n as_o she_o begin_v to_o seek_v after_o god_n betimes_o about_o the_o age_n of_o nine_o year_n so_o she_o continue_v with_o her_o loin_n gird_v her_o lamp_n burn_v and_o her_o light_n shine_v more_o and_o more_o till_o the_o perfect_a day_n the_o tenderness_n of_o god_n the_o malice_n of_o satan_n her_o patience_n in_o wait_v on_o god_n for_o certain_a year_n to_o gether_o in_o her_o first_o conversion_n be_v remarkable_a the_o closeness_n of_o her_o spirit_n not_o open_v her_o condition_n to_o such_o as_o may_v have_v relieve_v she_o her_o seek_v to_o heal_v herself_o by_o duty_n and_o holy_a walk_n for_o a_o long_a time_n keep_v down_o her_o soul_n from_o look_v up_o to_o the_o free_a grace_n in_o christ_n till_o she_o be_v even_o tire_v out_o as_o noah_n dove_n by_o flutter_v upon_o the_o unsteady_a water_n but_o then_o the_o lord_n jesus_n put_v forth_o his_o hand_n and_o take_v her_o weary_a soul_n into_o the_o ark_n of_o his_o rest_n give_v she_o such_o a_o clear_a sight_n of_o himself_o that_o now_o have_v with_o the_o spouse_n find_v she_o belove_v she_o take_v he_o and_o catch_v he_o and_o hold_v he_o and_o will_v not_o let_v he_o go_v oft_o say_v with_o the_o spouse_n let_v he_o kiss_v i_o with_o the_o kiss_n of_o his_o mouth_n for_o his_o love_n be_v better_a than_o wine_n be_v able_a from_o that_o time_n to_o sing_v the_o sweet_a song_n of_o simeon_n long_v to_o be_v at_o home_n with_o her_o jesus_n oh_o the_o peace_n and_o or_o oh_o the_o bless_a reviving_n and_o quickning_n oh_o the_o prayer_n praise_n and_o admiring_n her_o precious_a soul_n be_v fill_v withal_o from_o that_o day_n forward_o though_o now_o aâ—d_v then_o some_o secret_a withdrawing_n to_o the_o last_o moment_n of_o her_o life_n her_o conversation_n be_v in_o heaven_n she_o walk_v with_o god_n her_o heart_n loosen_a from_o this_o world_n as_o this_o treatise_n full_o speak_v so_o much_o of_o her_o strength_n spirit_n affection_n and_o time_n she_o spend_v in_o closet-meeting_n with_o god_n in_o read_v pray_v meditation_n self-examination_n etc._n etc._n that_o it_o be_v a_o wonder_n her_o poor_a weak_a body_n be_v able_a to_o subsist_v and_o doubtless_o have_v not_o god_n renew_v her_o strength_n anoint_v she_o with_o fresh_a oil_n it_o can_v not_o have_v be_v i_o marvel_v i_o confess_v to_o see_v so_o many_o of_o her_o writing_n find_v in_o her_o closet_n as_o i_o do_v god_n give_v she_o a_o quick_a wit_n a_o large_a understanding_n a_o consider_a spirit_n and_o look_v much_o into_o herself_o teach_v she_o to_o put_v a_o high_a price_n on_o ordinance_n make_v she_o very_o diligent_a in_o the_o use_n of_o all_o mean_v lay_v she_o very_o low_a in_o she_o own_o eye_n with_o much_o self-emptiness_n &_o thus_o bespoko_fw-mi a_o la_fw-fr ge_fw-mi room_n in_o her_o heart_n that_o he_o may_v bestow_v a_o great_a deal_n of_o christ_n therein_o and_o so_o make_v she_o a_o vessel_n capable_a of_o a_o great_a measure_n of_o grace_n then_o i_o be_o persuade_v many_o other_o though_o true_o godly_a attain_v on_o this_o side_n heaven_n so_o exceed_v tender_a be_v her_o heart_n in_o point_n of_o sin_n that_o she_o will_v often_o and_o deep_o judge_v herself_o as_o this_o treatise_n abundant_o show_v for_o pride_n passion_n inordinate_a love_n to_o the_o creature_n neglect_v of_o duty_n to_o her_o relation_n etc._n etc._n whereas_o those_o that_o daily_a converse_v with_o she_o be_v of_o discern_a spirit_n can_v see_v no_o such_o appearance_n but_o the_o contrary_a frame_n of_o spirit_n eminent_o shine_v out_o in_o she_o she_o be_v so_o afraid_a of_o pride_n that_o she_o dare_v not_o wear_v such_o jewel_n &_o apparel_n as_o she_o have_v by_o she_o for_o feâ—r_v her_o heart_n shall_v be_v draw_v from_o god_n thereby_o and_o so_o fearful_a of_o vain_a glory_n that_o though_o she_o have_v this_o treatise_n of_o the_o income_n of_o god_n lie_v by_o she_o yet_o not_o any_o no_o not_o her_o dear_a parent_n ever_o know_v thereof_o till_o they_o find_v it_o in_o her_o closet_n after_o her_o death_n her_o sell_v leave_v this_o as_o the_o reason_n lest_o her_o wretched_a heart_n shall_v be_v lift_v up_o and_o other_o shall_v think_v better_o of_o she_o than_o be_v meet_v she_o be_v such_o a_o high_a prizer_n of_o ordinance_n that_o she_o forget_v the_o weakness_n of_o her_o own_o body_n the_o length_n of_o the_o way_n &_o many_o other_o obstructon_n will_v frequent_o break_v through_o all_o to_o enjoy_v they_o and_o when_o she_o be_v to_o hear_v she_o first_o be_v full_a of_o prayer_n to_o god_n to_o meet_v she_o therein_o and_o make_v out_o some_o discovery_n to_o her_o soul_n which_o the_o lord_n usual_o do_v and_o she_o straight_o observe_v god_n income_n return_v with_o praise_n her_o deep_a acknowledgement_n of_o the_o same_o no_o small_a importunity_n of_o very_a many_o godly_a that_o know_v she_o have_v force_v the_o publish_n of_o this_o treatise_n and_o other_o of_o long_o stand_v in_o christ_n and_o eminent_a grace_n who_o have_v see_v some_o of_o it_o in_o manuscript_n have_v free_o confess_v they_o never_o look_v into_o it_o but_o be_v much_o humble_v to_o so_o how_o short_a themselves_o come_v in_o such_o heart-searching_n self-judging_n close-walkings_a with_o god_n and_o such_o observe_n of_o the_o answer_n of_o their_o prayer_n as_o they_o read_v in_o this_o her_o daily_a practice_n i_o hope_v it_o may_v be_v useful_a in_o these_o decline_a time_n to_o convince_v some_o christian_n of_o their_o slackness_n and_o awaken_v other_o and_o show_v they_o how_o to_o make_v more_o heart-work_n by_o the_o example_n of_o one_o of_o the_o weak_a sex_n and_o if_o to_o thy_o knowledge_n it_o shall_v not_o add_v much_o yet_o to_o thy_o spirit_n and_o practise_v it_o may_v conduce_v not_o a_o little_a thou_o in_o our_o dear_a lord_n and_o head_n tho._n weld_n to_o all_o that_o love_v the_o appearance_n of_o the_o lord_n jesus_n grace_n and_o peace_n be_v call_v upon_o by_o the_o earnest_a importunity_n of_o many_o gracious_a soul_n to_o give_v forth_o my_o testimony_n of_o this_o bless_a servant_n of_o christ_n mr_n anne_n venn_n and_o have_v have_v many_o year_n converse_v about_o the_o great_a matter_n of_o eternal_a life_n with_o she_o and_o enjoy_v her_o society_n for_o some_o year_n in_o the_o holy_a fellowship_n of_o the_o gospel_n i_o can_v not_o but_o present_a to_o the_o saint_n the_o sweet_a savour_n of_o her_o holy_a walk_n in_o which_o she_o be_v a_o lively_a example_n to_o all_o that_o know_v she_o the_o lord_n first_o break_v in_o upon_o her_o heart_n by_o the_o frequent_a impression_n of_o the_o word_n as_o they_o be_v instill_v into_o she_o by_o her_o honour_a father_n who_o practice_n be_v to_o reinforce_v the_o truth_n public_o preach_v
here_o i_o must_v needs_o say_v that_o though_o our_o pastor_n speak_v much_o to_o this_o purpose_n and_o that_o sweet_o a_o while_n since_o from_o 2_o cor._n 6._o 2._o behold_v now_o be_v the_o acceptable_a time_n behold_v now_o be_v the_o day_n of_o salvation_n yet_o do_v it_o not_o take_v upon_o my_o heart_n in_o that_o way_n as_o these_o few_o hint_n do_v for_o the_o lord_n have_v not_o then_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n in_o those_o manifestation_n of_o love_n as_o he_o do_v afterward_o and_o how_o ever_o these_o scripture_n do_v chief_o refer_v as_o i_o conceive_v to_o the_o time_n of_o the_o gospel_n and_o god_n love_v to_o the_o soul_n of_o man_n in_o bring_v of_o they_o home_o to_o himself_o yet_o that_o truth_n which_o be_v at_o this_o time_n chief_o set_v upon_o my_o heart_n be_v from_o the_o consideration_n of_o this_o present_a hint_n of_o time_n wherein_o the_o lord_n through_o his_o rich_a grace_n in_o my_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n have_v be_v please_v to_o cause_v his_o face_n to_o shine_v upon_o my_o soul_n the_o very_a next_o day_n be_v the_o 13_o of_o this_o month_n in_o the_o morning_n when_o i_o be_v awake_v as_o i_o lie_v in_o my_o bed_n i_o have_v that_o scripture_n in_o luk._n 13._o 11._o bring_v fresh_a to_o my_o mind_n of_o that_o woman_n who_o satan_n have_v bow_v these_o eighteen_o year_n vers_fw-la 16._o who_o christ_n loose_v with_o a_o persuasion_n before_o ever_o i_o begin_v to_o count_v it_o that_o the_o time_n of_o my_o thraldom_n under_o satan_n and_o sin_n will_v run_v parallel_n with_o this_o as_o also_o my_o condition_n for_o say_v the_o text_n she_o have_v a_o spirit_n of_o infirmity_n and_o be_v bow_v together_o so_o as_o she_o can_v in_o no_o wise_a lift_n up_o herself_o and_o true_o thus_o i_o find_v it_o have_v be_v with_o i_o for_o many_o year_n i_o have_v be_v bind_v by_o satan_n under_o unbelief_n and_o the_o corruption_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o so_o bow_v together_o as_o i_o can_v in_o no_o wise_a lift_n up_o myself_o so_o as_o to_o give_v glory_n to_o god_n by_o believe_v and_o as_o for_o the_o time_n when_o i_o come_v to_o count_v it_o from_o the_o first_o time_n that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o touch_v my_o heart_n with_o a_o sight_n and_o sense_n of_o my_o wretched_a condition_n and_o thereupon_o to_o occasion_v much_o trouble_n of_o spirit_n which_o be_v as_o i_o conceive_v about_o the_o year_n 1635._o which_o reckon_v until_o the_o end_n of_o the_o year_n 1652_o which_o be_v the_o first_o time_n that_o ever_o the_o lord_n do_v upon_o real_a solid_a ground_n speak_v any_o abide_a word_n of_o comfort_n to_o i_o and_o so_o in_o any_o measure_n lose_v i_o from_o those_o band_n and_o i_o do_v find_v it_o to_o be_v just_a 18_o year_n this_o same_o morning_n also_o a_o little_a while_n after_o there_o fall_v a_o other_o scripture_n upon_o my_o heart_n which_o i_o find_v record_v in_o psal_n 129._o 1_o 2._o many_o a_o time_n have_v they_o afflict_v i_o from_o my_o youth_n may_v i_o srael_v now_o say_v many_o a_o time_n have_v they_o affict_v i_o from_o my_o youth_n yet_o have_v they_o not_o prevail_v against_o i_o and_o have_v it_o not_o be_v thus_o with_o my_o soul_n many_o a_o time_n have_v it_o be_v afflict_a with_o temptation_n and_o corruption_n but_o through_o mercy_n they_o have_v not_o yet_o total_o prevail_v over_o i_o there_o be_v also_o two_o other_o scripture_n immediate_o after_o this_o set_v upon_o my_o heart_n this_o morning_n as_o first_o that_o in_o psal_n 34._o 6._o this_o poor_a man_n cry_v and_o the_o lord_n hear_v he_o and_o save_v he_o out_o of_o all_o his_o trouble_n even_o so_o this_o poor_a soul_n of_o i_o have_v cry_v unto_o the_o lord_n in_o my_o fear_n and_o he_o have_v bless_v be_v his_o name_n hear_v i_o and_o gracious_o deliver_v i_o out_o of_o all_o the_o fear_n and_o trouble_n that_o ever_o yet_o lay_v upon_o i_o and_o to_o back_o this_o for_o the_o future_a there_o be_v immediate_o that_o scripture_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n in_o joh._n 5._o 19_o he_o shall_v deliver_v thou_o in_o six_o trouble_n yea_o in_o seven_o there_o shall_v no_o evil_n touch_v thou_o the_o meditation_n whereof_o be_v exceed_v sweet_a to_o my_o soul_n but_o whilst_o my_o soul_n lie_v under_o these_o enjoyment_n from_o the_o lord_n which_o for_o a_o time_n even_o swallow_v up_o my_o heart_n in_o the_o admiration_n of_o he_o yet_o notwithstanding_o sudden_o after_o find_v my_o heart_n exceed_o straighten_v to_o bliss_n and_o praise_v the_o name_n of_o this_o my_o god_n in_o such_o a_o manner_n and_o measure_n as_o my_o soul_n desire_v for_o all_o these_o wonderful_a appearance_n to_o i_o i_o have_v this_o persuasion_n strong_o dart_v into_o i_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v some_o sharp_a affliction_n sudden_o to_o lay_v upon_o i_o which_o i_o be_v full_o possess_v with_o expectation_n of_o which_o cause_v i_o to_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n beseech_v he_o to_o fit_v i_o for_o it_o and_o sanctify_v it_o unto_o i_o what_o ever_o it_o shall_v be_v not_o know_v in_o what_o way_n or_o manner_n for_o to_o expect_v it_o apprehend_v it_o to_o be_v some_o sore_a stroke_n than_o a_o little_a bodily_a affliction_n and_o because_o i_o apprehend_v that_o the_o sad_a outward_a affliction_n that_o can_v come_v to_o i_o be_v the_o part_n with_o my_o dear_a mother_n i_o do_v therefore_o straightway_o apprehend_v this_o will_v be_v the_o trial_n at_o the_o thought_n of_o which_o i_o be_v at_o the_o present_a somewhat_o startle_v but_o within_o a_o few_o day_n on_o the_o 23_o of_o this_o eleven_o month_n be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o visit_v my_o poor_a body_n with_o much_o bodily_a distemper_n which_o seize_v so_o upon_o my_o vital_a spirit_n and_o so_o overpoured_n they_o which_o together_o with_o other_o distemper_n lay_v somewhat_o heavy_a upon_o the_o flesh_n in_o and_o under_o which_o if_o i_o know_v my_o own_o heart_n the_o great_a part_n of_o my_o trouble_n be_v that_o i_o can_v not_o find_v out_o what_o the_o mind_n of_o the_o lord_n be_v in_o it_o in_o which_o inquiry_n there_o be_v some_o thing_n the_o which_o be_v then_o present_v to_o i_o as_o the_o ground_n of_o it_o as_o for_o instance_n the_o first_o thing_n that_o be_v dart_v into_o i_o be_v that_o the_o lord_n do_v it_o to_o put_v a_o stop_n to_o i_o in_o this_o very_a act_n of_o record_v the_o love_n of_o the_o lord_n to_o my_o soul_n who_o have_v carry_v i_o as_o upon_o eagle_n wing_n and_o as_o it_o be_v set_v i_o aloft_o exod._n 19_o 4._o so_o as_o no_o affliction_n or_o dispensation_n have_v be_v able_a to_o do_v i_o hurt_v but_o have_v bear_v yea_o forbear_v i_o and_o carry_v i_o all_o the_o day_n of_o old_a as_o he_o do_v his_o people_n israel_n notwithstanding_o all_o my_o rebellion_n esa_n 63._o 9_o 10_o 12_o 15_o 16._o and_o this_o suggestion_n for_o aught_o i_o know_v may_v come_v even_o from_o satan_n himself_o though_o i_o confess_v it_o be_v present_v upon_o a_o very_a fair_a account_n insinuate_v into_o i_o that_o it_o be_v out_o of_o the_o pride_n of_o my_o spirit_n which_o put_v i_o upon_o this_o action_n which_o cause_v my_o soul_n to_o make_v its_o address_n to_o the_o lord_n beseech_v he_o to_o search_v i_o and_o try_v my_o heart_n and_o my_o reins_n and_o withal_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o if_o there_o be_v any_o such_o corruption_n in_o the_o bottom_n which_o be_v not_o yet_o discover_v to_o i_o that_o he_o will_v be_v please_v to_o reveal_v it_o and_o so_o put_v a_o stop_n to_o i_o in_o any_o act_n whatsoever_o upon_o any_o such_o account_n and_o though_o upon_o the_o strict_a search_n and_o inquiry_n that_o i_o be_v able_a to_o make_v into_o my_o own_o heart_n i_o can_v find_v little_a ground_n why_o i_o shall_v altogether_o conclude_v with_o satan_n in_o this_o yet_o the_o very_a fear_n of_o it_o do_v for_o the_o space_n of_o half_a a_o year_n at_o least_o if_o i_o mistake_v not_o cause_v this_o work_n to_o cease_v until_o it_o be_v again_o set_v with_o some_o weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n as_o that_o which_o may_v make_v for_o the_o glory_n of_o my_o lord_n and_o perhaps_o though_o weak_o stammer_v out_o his_o praise_n when_o i_o shall_v be_v gather_v into_o into_o my_o dust_n who_o be_v so_o unable_a to_o speak_v it_o out_o in_o my_o life_n and_o this_o i_o both_o do_v and_o do_v the_o rather_o believe_v to_o proceed_v from_o satan_n the_o great_a enemy_n of_o soul_n because_o i_o find_v the_o saint_n through_o the_o scripture_n so_o ready_a to_o declare_v what_o great_a thing_n the_o lord_n have_v do_v for_o their_o soul_n psal_n 34._o 2._o
so_o much_o that_o i_o offend_v any_o relation_n as_o that_o i_o grieve_v the_o spirit_n of_o god_n in_o all_o my_o action_n and_o in_o all_o my_o relation_n in_o this_o world_n i_o hope_v that_o my_o soul_n be_v in_o the_o first_o place_n set_v to_o serve_v my_o lord_n in_o the_o duty_n to_o they_o as_o that_o which_o he_o require_v and_o my_o be_v for_o his_o honour_n if_o do_v right_o and_o though_o i_o do_v often_o transgress_v the_o command_n of_o my_o lord_n jesus_n yet_o i_o trust_v i_o do_v not_o make_v it_o my_o work_n but_o it_o my_o daily_a burden_n 2._o my_o desire_n and_o daily_a groan_n before_o the_o lord_n be_v that_o i_o may_v be_v whole_o devote_v and_o give_v up_o to_o jesus_n in_o my_o whole_a inward_a and_o outward_a man_n and_o i_o will_v that_o all_o my_o poor_a part_n and_o strength_n and_o time_n yea_o all_o my_o inward_a and_o outward_a talent_n shall_v be_v improve_v in_o his_o service_n whole_o how_o often_o do_v my_o soul_n breath_n before_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o manner_n oh_o father_n be_v it_o not_o long_a enough_o yea_o too_o too_o long_o that_o i_o have_v be_v too_o too_o much_o at_o satan_n beck_n and_o the_o world_n yea_o and_o my_o own_o oh_o that_o it_o may_v be_v thus_o no_o long_o and_o that_o i_o may_v no_o long_o live_v to_o myself_o or_o seek_v or_o please_v myself_o in_o any_o thing_n but_o that_o my_o whole_a soul_n may_v be_v set_v to_o please_v my_o lord_n jesus_n be_v it_o not_o my_o daily_a burden_n that_o i_o have_v too_o too_o much_o seek_v and_o serve_v myself_o both_o in_o natural_a and_o spiritual_a thing_n that_o i_o have_v have_v too_o many_o self-end_n and_o design_n which_o the_o lord_n crucify_v full_o for_o my_o lord_n sake_n and_o as_o for_o the_o service_n of_o the_o world_n if_o i_o know_v any_o thing_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n it_o be_v my_o daily_a desire_n prayer_n and_o endeavour_n to_o throw_v the_o world_n whole_o out_o of_o my_o heart_n that_o i_o may_v not_o do_v any_o service_n any_o long_o to_o sin_n or_o satan_n and_o if_o at_o any_o time_n they_o do_v get_v any_o little_a from_o i_o how_o grudge_o and_o repine_o be_v it_o do_v yea_o be_v it_o not_o the_o grief_n of_o my_o soul_n that_o i_o have_v have_v any_o expectation_n or_o desire_n after_o any_o thing_n in_o the_o world_n or_o of_o this_o world_n that_o my_o eye_n be_v not_o whole_o and_o real_o upon_o jesus_n christ_n for_o expectation_n provision_n and_o all_o what_o i_o need_v 3_o though_o i_o have_v a_o wretched_a heart_n that_o have_v and_o still_o will_v be_v pick_v its_o work_n think_v that_o other_o servant_n of_o christ_n they_o have_v a_o easy_a work_n and_o go_v through_o this_o world_n fill_v fill_v with_o the_o joy_n of_o the_o holy_a ghost_n yea_o and_o have_v their_o cup_n of_o earthly_a blessing_n overflow_a and_o hereupon_o my_o wicked_a heart_n have_v be_v carry_v disorderly_a to_o long_o after_o and_o wish_v for_o such_o a_o condition_n and_o think_v that_o i_o have_v a_o hard_a portion_n to_o be_v always_o afflict_v with_o inward_a and_o outward_a distemper_n and_o weakness_n trial_n in_o bodily_a affliction_n of_o most_o sort_n and_o inward_a weakness_n infirmity_n temptation_n of_o divers_a kind_n and_o in_o high_a degree_n suffer_v my_o name_n especial_o for_o my_o desire_n to_o walk_v in_o the_o way_n and_o service_n of_o my_o lord_n which_o my_o wicked_a heart_n think_v very_o hard_a and_o to_o this_o day_n be_v too_o ready_a sometime_o to_o murmur_v though_o through_o the_o goodness_n of_o my_o god_n it_o have_v not_o the_o power_n or_o strength_n that_o it_o have_v have_v yet_o the_o very_a rise_n of_o it_o cause_v my_o soul_n still_o to_o beg_v strength_n against_o it_o and_o a_o thorough_a victory_n over_o it_o beg_v daily_o a_o submissive_a frame_n of_o spirit_n to_o the_o will_n of_o my_o lord_n in_o all_o thing_n desire_v no_o more_o to_o pick_v and_o choose_v my_o condition_n and_o work_v but_o beg_v the_o lord_n to_o choose_v for_o i_o who_o know_v what_o be_v best_a for_o i_o and_o if_o he_o see_v meet_v that_o i_o shall_v serve_v he_o in_o the_o fire_n of_o affliction_n inward_a or_o outward_a that_o he_o will_v but_o subject_v my_o heart_n to_o his_o will_n &_o sanctify_v that_o condition_n to_o i_o and_o do_v with_o i_o what_o he_o please_v 7_o do_v there_o not_o appear_v some_o degree_n of_o faithfulness_n in_o thou_o in_o that_o thou_o love_v most_o who_o thou_o esteem_v to_o do_v most_o for_o christ_n and_o daily_o mourn_v that_o other_o do_v no_o more_o for_o he_o then_o thou_o do_v be_v it_o not_o a_o continual_a burden_n to_o thou_o that_o thou_o can_v do_v no_o more_o for_o christ_n and_o be_v employ_v no_o more_o by_o he_o may_v thou_o not_o say_v safe_o before_o the_o lord_n who_o know_v the_o truth_n of_o it_o that_o thy_o heart_n be_v not_o take_v with_o any_o creature_n in_o this_o world_n what_o ever_o it_o be_v and_o if_o upon_o any_o yet_o upon_o no_o other_o account_n whatever_o but_o only_o as_o they_o be_v servant_n to_o thy_o lord_n and_o what_o ever_o their_o other_o adjourning_n be_v whether_o beauty_n or_o part_n or_o riches_n and_o honour_n or_o whatever_o none_o of_o all_o these_o do_v to_o thy_o remembrance_n advance_v any_o creature_n in_o the_o esteem_n of_o thy_o soul_n 8_o will_v thou_o not_o glad_o o_o my_o soul_n be_v put_v on_o other_o yea_o and_o bless_v the_o lord_n if_o he_o will_v please_v to_o enable_v thou_o to_o this_o work_n that_o see_v thou_o can_v do_v so_o little_a for_o he_o thyself_o that_o he_o will_v enable_v thou_o to_o spur_v on_o other_o to_o do_v more_o for_o he_o then_o thou_o can_v and_o be_v it_o not_o thy_o burden_n that_o through_o one_o temptation_n or_o other_o thou_o be_v so_o much_o prevent_v in_o this_o bless_a work_n also_o to_o what_o end_n else_o be_v thy_o word_n and_o writing_n to_o other_o and_o continue_v beg_v of_o their_o remembrance_n of_o thou_o before_o the_o lord_n 9_o be_v it_o not_o thy_o daily_a grief_n that_o both_o thyself_o and_o other_o move_v so_o slow_o in_o this_o work_n to_o see_v man_n lose_v their_o first_o love_n and_o walk_v not_o so_o right_o and_o faithful_o with_o christ_n as_o former_o be_v not_o this_o thy_o daily_a grief_n and_o burden_n and_o that_o which_o sometime_o even_o overwhelm_v thy_o spirit_n 10_o o_o my_o soul_n do_v thou_o not_o desire_v continual_o to_o bless_v the_o lord_n that_o he_o have_v make_v thou_o his_o servant_n to_o serve_v he_o in_o any_o work_n for_o what_o be_v thou_o that_o the_o lord_n shall_v choose_v thou_o out_o to_o be_v his_o servant_n when_o he_o may_v have_v take_v other_o that_o may_v have_v do_v more_o service_n yea_o do_v not_o thou_o bless_v the_o lord_n o_o my_o soul_n more_o in_a that_o he_o have_v make_v thou_o his_o servant_n then_o that_o he_o have_v give_v thou_o riches_n or_o honour_n or_o esteem_v in_o the_o world_n be_v these_o any_o thing_n in_o thy_o eye_n in_o comparison_n of_o be_v make_v his_o servant_n do_v not_o the_o lord_n bring_v thou_o to_o that_o pass_n before_o he_o appear_v in_o way_n of_o comfort_n to_o thou_o to_o make_v thou_o beg_v of_o he_o upon_o thy_o knee_n that_o thou_o may_v but_o be_v make_v a_o servant_n of_o he_o whatever_o else_o thou_o underwente_v though_o thou_o shall_v be_v make_v as_o the_o offscouring_a of_o all_o thing_n or_o force_v to_o beg_v thy_o bread_n in_o this_o world_n yet_o that_o thou_o may_v but_o be_v his_o servant_n 11_o o_o my_o soul_n may_v thou_o not_o say_v that_o infirmity_n be_v more_o afflictive_a because_o impediment_n in_o the_o service_n of_o christ_n then_o because_o they_o be_v affliction_n upon_o thou_o be_v thou_o not_o more_o trouble_v when_o sick_a weak_a in_o body_n mind_n or_o understanding_n because_o these_o unfit_a thou_o for_o the_o service_n of_o christ_n then_o because_o weak_a sick_a or_o low_a in_o esteem_n of_o other_o lord_n thou_o know_v there_o be_v much_o tremble_n upon_o my_o spirit_n about_o this_o whether_o i_o may_v say_v this_o before_o thou_o or_o no_o but_o if_o it_o be_v not_o thus_o with_o i_o o_o lord_n i_o beg_v of_o thou_o to_o work_v this_o frame_n in_o i_o for_o it_o be_v that_o i_o desire_v to_o press_v after_o daily_o and_o be_o grieve_v that_o i_o be_o no_o more_o clear_a in_o yet_o methinks_v sometime_o it_o be_v in_o some_o measure_n evident_a to_o my_o soul_n that_o the_o defect_n that_o accompany_v my_o service_n be_v more_o grievous_a and_o burdensome_a to_o i_o than_o the_o want_n of_o success_n of_o comfort_n though_o sometime_o i_o be_o quite_o dark_a as_o to_o the_o clear_n of_o this_o
how_o glorious_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o unveil_v the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n to_o thou_o as_o a_o physician_n to_o poor_a sick_a soul_n which_o discovery_n of_o he_o as_o it_o be_v very_o glorious_a so_o most_o suitable_a to_o the_o present_a estate_n of_o thy_o spirit_n be_v as_o i_o trust_v i_o may_v true_o say_v sick_a of_o its_o self_n of_o all_o its_o way_n and_o doubt_n and_o fail_n to_o all_o my_o relation_n &_o conversation_n and_o o_o how_o sweet_a and_o seasonable_a be_v it_o now_o to_o hear_v of_o such_o a_o physician_n as_o he_o be_v glorious_o hold_v out_o to_o be_v from_o that_o 9_o matth._n 12._o and_o for_o the_o other_o suit_n in_o cause_v my_o soul_n deep_o to_o fall_v in_o love_n with_o he_o and_o to_o be_v real_o take_v off_o from_o all_o thing_n else_o even_o for_o this_o i_o desire_v to_o wait_v until_o the_o same_o lord_n shall_v please_v to_o give_v in_o as_o gracious_a a_o answer_n which_o i_o trust_v he_o will_v also_o do_v in_o his_o due_a time_n and_o for_o those_o request_n put_v up_o this_o morning_n i_o can_v not_o but_o acknowledge_v that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o bow_v down_o and_o give_v i_o a_o sensible_a token_n of_o his_o glorious_a and_o gracious_a presence_n through_o which_o that_o present_a mercy_n in_o prayer_n every_o word_n come_v as_o it_o be_v from_o my_o very_a heart_n in_o both_o the_o prayer_n before_o and_o after_o sermon_n be_v the_o very_a groan_n and_o breathe_n of_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n and_o every_o word_n in_o the_o sermon_n almost_o be_v as_o it_o be_v speak_v from_o heaven_n to_o my_o heart_n so_o full_o and_o in_o those_o very_a thing_n that_o my_o heart_n be_v at_o that_o very_a time_n burden_a withal_o and_o i_o think_v to_o have_v vent_v to_o mr._n knight_n our_o dear_a pastor_n the_o day_n before_o which_o if_o the_o lord_n have_v not_o prevent_v i_o in_o i_o real_o fear_v that_o i_o shall_v not_o have_v have_v so_o clear_a and_o gracious_a a_o sight_n of_o god_n in_o this_o his_o appearance_n but_o shall_v have_v think_v sure_o he_o have_v speak_v those_o thing_n in_o relation_n to_o i_o but_o bless_v be_v that_o god_n that_o order_v thing_n so_o as_o to_o give_v his_o poor_a creature_n a_o more_o clear_a sight_n of_o the_o riches_n of_o his_o grace_n even_o as_o a_o prayer-hearing_a god_n and_o all_o this_o notwithstanding_o the_o rebellion_n of_o my_o spirit_n even_o under_o the_o hope_n of_o his_o appearance_n break_v out_o into_o that_o rash_a and_o sinful_a word_n be_v exceed_o weary_v go_v up_o and_o down_o westminster-hall_n and_o to_o whitehall_n and_o to_o and_o fro_o up_o and_o down_o then_o as_o i_o say_v do_v the_o passion_n of_o my_o wicked_a spirit_n cause_v i_o to_o break_v out_o into_o this_o foolish_a sinful_a expression_n say_v if_o i_o have_v know_v this_o i_o will_v not_o have_v come_v out_o this_o day_n when_o as_o perhaps_o the_o lord_n intent_n by_o it_o be_v to_o try_v i_o and_o make_v the_o folly_n of_o my_o heart_n appear_v to_o i_o and_o see_v how_o my_o faith_n can_v bear_v up_o against_o those_o discouragement_n and_o bodily_a trial_n for_o my_o body_n be_v much_o distemper_v and_o in_o this_o my_o walk_v up_o and_o down_o i_o have_v a_o pain_n take_v i_o under_o my_o side_n that_o strike_v through_o my_o breast_n to_o my_o heart_n that_o i_o look_v every_o moment_n when_o i_o shall_v fall_v down_o in_o the_o street_n as_o i_o go_v along_o and_o as_o i_o come_v back_o yet_o notwithstanding_o all_o this_o my_o rebellion_n and_o repent_v of_o my_o journey_n be_v the_o lord_n please_v not_o to_o do_v by_o i_o as_o righteous_o he_o may_v for_o he_o repent_v not_o of_o his_o intend_a kindness_n to_o i_o though_o i_o repent_v at_o my_o wait_v upon_o he_o for_o it_o and_o though_o i_o be_v full_a of_o change_n yet_o he_o change_v not_o but_o when_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o bring_v i_o back_o again_o to_o westminster_n and_o that_o in_o due_a time_n i_o be_v glad_a and_o begin_v to_o recover_v my_o spirit_n again_o o_o how_o be_v my_o heart_n fill_v as_o it_o be_v with_o this_o exceed_a appearance_n of_o the_o lord_n and_o in_o some_o measure_n enlarge_v that_o evening_n to_o bless_v his_o name_n who_o have_v so_o often_o appear_v and_o to_o all_o add_v the_o mercy_n of_o this_o day_n manifest_v self_n to_o be_v a_o god_n hear_v prayer_n but_o o_o that_o curse_a unbelief_n of_o my_o wicked_a heart_n that_o have_v have_v so_o much_o and_o so_o manifold_a appearance_n of_o god_n and_o of_o his_o goodness_n and_o shall_v yet_o trust_v he_o no_o more_o which_o also_o great_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o crucify_v my_o unbelief_n but_o i_o confess_v this_o be_v it_o that_o often_o give_v the_o turn_n and_o draw_v a_o cloud_n as_o it_o be_v before_o i_o even_o the_o mighty_a prevalence_n of_o corruption_n in_o my_o soul_n which_o make_v i_o often_o to_o cry_v out_o lord_n when_o shall_v i_o see_v this_o body_n of_o death_n and_o sin_n subdue_v and_o crucify_v and_o my_o soul_n full_o subject_v to_o thou_o this_o be_v the_o burden_n of_o my_o soul_n even_o then_o when_o the_o lord_n shine_v forth_o most_o clear_o upon_o my_o heart_n to_o think_v what_o a_o unsuitable_a frame_n of_o spirit_n be_v there_o in_o i_o to_o all_o those_o wonderful_a way_n of_o the_o lord_n towards_o i_o that_o by_o all_o the_o sight_n he_o give_v i_o of_o himself_o and_o his_o will_n i_o be_o no_o more_o change_v into_o his_o likeness_n the_o 15_o day_n of_o this_o twelve_o month_n at_o night_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v exceed_o to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o the_o root_n out_o of_o those_o corruption_n issue_v out_o of_o my_o heart_n to_o the_o creature_n and_o gather_v of_o it_o up_o into_o himself_o and_o order_v my_o affection_n and_o the_o like_a as_o also_o be_v great_o draw_v out_o to_o bless_v and_o praise_v he_o beseech_v he_o to_o enable_v i_o to_o it_o to_o bless_v he_o for_o his_o answer_n so_o often_o give_v i_o to_o the_o importunate_a desire_n and_o request_n of_o my_o soul_n when_o i_o have_v so_o often_o tempt_v he_o for_o it_o be_v not_o israel_n only_o that_o tempt_v he_o ten_o time_n but_o i_o have_v often_o tempt_v he_o so_o that_o he_o may_v have_v righteous_o give_v that_o i_o beg_v of_o he_o and_o a_o curse_n together_o with_o it_o but_o i_o do_v now_o great_o desire_v to_o bless_v he_o that_o hitherto_o he_o have_v deny_v i_o in_o it_o beseech_v he_o so_o to_o do_v still_o and_o subject_a my_o soul_n to_o he_o in_o all_o my_o way_n beg_v he_o earnest_o that_o he_o will_v once_o work_v my_o heart_n to_o such_o assurance_n that_o i_o may_v be_v careful_a in_o nothing_o and_o in_o nothing_o thoughtful_a for_o or_o studious_a about_o any_o thing_n here_o below_o and_o to_o give_v up_o myself_o whole_o to_o be_v at_o his_o dispose_n yea_o more_o than_o ever_o i_o have_v be_v to_o any_o bodily_a physician_n beseech_v he_o now_o that_o he_o will_v undertake_v to_o be_v my_o soul_n physician_n 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not_o this_o agreeable_a to_o thy_o will_n to_o be_v conform_v more_o to_o thou_o and_o have_v my_o will_n more_o subject_v to_o thou_o and_o my_o affection_n more_o place_v upon_o thou_o o_o then_o lord_n see_v thou_o say_v what_o we_o ask_v believe_v we_o shall_v have_v it_o lord_n increase_v my_o faith_n &_o help_v i_o to_o wait_v upon_o thou_o believe_o the_o eighteen_o of_o this_o twelve_o month_n have_v be_v these_o eight_o or_o nine_o day_n last_o pass_v somewhat_o distemper_v in_o body_n which_o distemper_n prevail_v more_o and_o