by Christ I was as if my Ioyns were broken or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains At this time also I felt some weakness to seiz my outward man which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable 215. Afrer I had been in this condition some three or four days as I was sitting by the fire I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart I must go to Jesus at this my former darkness and atheism fled away and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view while I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprize Wife said I is there ever a such Scripture I must go to Jesus she said she could not tell therefore I sat musing still to see if I could remember such a place I had not sat above two or three minutes but that came bolting in upon me And to an innumerable company of Angels and withall Hebrews the twelfth about the mount Zion was set before mine eyes 216. Then with joy I told my Wife O now I know I know but that night was a good night to me I never had but few better I longed for the company of some of Gods people that I might have imparted unto them what God had shewed me Christ vvas a precious Christ to my Soul that night I could scarce lie in my Bed for joy and peace and triumph thorow Christ this great glory did not continue upon me until morning yet that twelfth of the Author to the Hâ—brews Heb. 12.21 22 23. was a blessed Scripture to me for many days together after this 217. The words are these You are come to mount Zion to the City of the living God to the heavenly Jerusalem and to an innumerable company of Angels to the general assembly and Church of the first-born which are written in heaven to God the Judge of all and to the spirits of just men made perfect and to Jesus the Mediator of the New Testament and to the blood of sprinkling that speaketh better things than that of Abel Thorow this blessed Sentence the Lord led me over and over first to this word and then to that and shewed me wonderful glory in every one of them These words also have oft â—â—nce this time been great refreshment to my Spirit Blessed be God for having mercy on me A brief Account of the Authors Call to the Work of the Ministery 218. ANd now I am speaking my Experience I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the Word and of Gods dealing with me in that particular also For after I had been about five oâ— six years awakened and helped to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord and inabled to venture my Soul upon him some of the most able among the Saints with us I say the most able for Judgement and holiness of Life as they conceived did peâ—ceive that God had counted me worthy to understand something of his Will in his holy and blessed Word and had given me utteâ—ance in some measure to express what I saw to others for edification they desired me and tâ—at with much earnestness that I would be willing at sometime to take in hand in one of the Meetings to speak a word of Exhortation unto them 219. The which though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit yet being still by them desired and intreated I consented to their requesâ— and did twice at two several Assemblies but in private though with much weakness and infirmity discover my Gift amongst them at which they not onely seemed to be but did solemnly protest as in the sight of the great God they were both affected and comforted and gave thanks to the Father of Mercies for the grace bestowed on me 220. After this sometimes when some of them did go into the Countâ—ey to teach tâ—ey would also that I should go with them where though as yet I did not nor durst not make use of my Gift in an open way yet moâ—e privately still as I came amongst the good People in those places I did sometimes speak a word of Admonition unto them also the which they as the other received with rejoycing at the mercy of God to me-ward professing their Souls were edified thereby 221. Wherefore to be brief at last being still desired by the Church after some solemn prayer to the Lord with fasting I was more particularly called forth and appointed to a more ordinary and publick preaching the Word not onely to and amongst them that believed but also to offer the Gospel â—o those that had not yet â—eceived the faith thereof about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forwaâ—d thereto tho I bless God not for desire of vain glory for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with â—he firy darts of the devil concerning my eternal state 222. But yet could not be content unless I was found in the exercise of my Gift unto which also I was gâ—eatly animated not onely by the continual desires of the Godly but also by that saying of Paul to the Corinthians I beseech you Brethren ye know the houshold of Stephanas that it is the firsâ— fruits of Achaia and that they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints that you submit your selves unto such and to every one that helpeth with us and laboureth 1 Cor. 16.15 16. 223. By this Text I was made to see that the holy Ghost never intended that men who have Gifts and Abilities should bury them in the earth but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do they have addicted themselves to the ministery of the Saints this Scripture in these days did continually run in my mind to incourage me and strengthen me in this my work foâ— God I have been also incouraged from several other Scriptures and examples of the Godly both specified in the Word and other ancient Histories Act. 8.4 18·24 25 c. 1 Pet. 4.10 Rom. 12.6 Fox Acts and Mon. 224. Wherefore though of my self of all the Saints the most unworthy yet I but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness did set upon the work and did according to my Gift and the proportion of my Faith preach that blessed Gospel that God had shewed me in the holy Word of truth which when the Countrey undeâ—stood they came in to hear the Word by hundreds and that from all parts though upon sundry and divers accounts 225. And I thank God he gave unto me some measure of bowâ—ls and pity for their Souls which also did put me forward to labour with great diligence and earnestness to find out such a Word as might if God vvould bless lay hold of and awaken the Conscience in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of his
then now I durst not take a pin or a stick though but so big as a straw for my conscience now was sore and would smart at every touch I could not now tell how to speak my words for fear I should mis-place them O how gingerly did I then go in all I did or said I found my self as on a miry bog that shook if I did but stir and as there left both of God and Christ and the Spirit and all good things 70. And though I was thus troubled and tossed and afflicted with the sight and sence and terrour of my own wickedness yet I was afraid to let this sence and sight go quite off my minde for I found that unless guilt of Conscience was taken off the right way that is by the Blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of minde than better Wherefore if my guilt lay hard upon me then I should cry that the Blood of Christ might take it off and if it was going off without it for the sence of sin would be sometimes as if it would die and go quite away then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again by bringing the punishment for sin in Hell-fire upon my Spirit and should cry Lord let it not go off my heart but the right way but by the Blood of Christ and by the application of thy mercy thorow him to my Soul for that Scripture lay much upon me Without shedding of Blood there is no Remission Heb. 9.22 And that which made me the more afraid of this was Because I had seen some who though when they were under Wounds of Conscience then they would cry and pray but they seeking rather present Ease from their Trouble then Pardon foâ— their Sin cared not how they lost their guilt 〈◊〉 they got it out of their minde and therefore having got it off the wrong way it was not sanctifieâ— unto them but they grew harder and blinder anâ— more wicked after their trouble This made 〈◊〉 afraid and made me cry to God that it might noâ— be so with me 71. And now was I sorry that God had made mâ— a man for I feared I was a reprobate I counteâ— man as unconverted the most doleful of all thâ— Creatures Thus being afflicted and tossed abouâ— my sad condition I counted my self alone anâ— above the most of men unblest In this conditioâ— I went a great while but when comforting timâ— was come I heard one preach a Sermon upoâ— those words in the Song Song 4.1 Behold thou anâ— fair my Love behold thou art fair but at that timâ— he made these two words My Love his chief anâ— subject matter from which after he had a littlâ— opened the text he observed these several conclusions 1. That the Church and so every saved Soul 〈◊〉 Christs Love when loveless 2. Christs Love without 〈◊〉 cause 3. Christs Love when hated of the world 4. Christs Love when under temptation and under diâ—sertion 5. Christs Love from first to last 72. But I got noâ—hing by what he said at present only when he came to the application of the fourth particular this was the word he said If it be so thâ—â— the saved Soul is Christs Love when under temptatioâ— and dissertion then poor tempted Soul when thou art assaulted and afflâ—cted with temptation and the hidings 〈◊〉 Gods Face yet think on these two words MY LOVE still 73. So as I was a going home these words camâ— again into my thoughts and I well remember aâ— they came in I said thus in my heart What shall I get by thinking on these two words this thought had no sooner passed thorow my heart but the words began thus to kindle in my Spirit Thou art my Love thou art my Love twenty times together and still as they ran thus in my minde they waxed stronger and warmer and began to make me look up but being as yet between hope and fear I still replied in my heart But is it true too but is it true at which that sentence fell in upon me He wist not that it was true which was done unto him of the Angel Act. 12.9 74. Then I began to give place to the Word which with power did over and over make this joyful sound within my Soul Thou art my Love thou art my Love and nothing shall separate thee from my love and with that Rom. 8.39 came into my minde Now was my heart filled full of comfort and hope and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me wherefore I said in my Soul with much gladness Well I would I had a pen and ink here I would write this down before I go any further for surely I will not forget this forty years hence but alas within less then forty days I began to question all again 75. Yet still at times I was helped to believe that it was a true manifestation of Grace unto my Soul though I had lost much of the life and savouâ— of it Now about a week or fortnight after this I was much followed by this Scripture Simon Simon behold Satan hath desired to have you Luk. 22.31 and sometimes it would sound so loud within me yea and as it were call so strongly after me that once above all the rest I turned my head over my shoulder thinking verily that some man had behind me called to me being at a great distance 76. But so follish was I and ignorant that I knew not the reason of this sound which as I did both see and feel soon after was sent from heaven as an alarm to awaken me to provide for what was coming onely it would make me muse and wonder in my minde to think what should be the reason that this Scripture and that at this rate so often and so loud should still be sounding and ratling in mine ears But as I said before I soon after perceived the end of God therein 77. For about the space of a month after a very great storm came down upon me which handled me twenty times worse then all I had met with before it came stealing upon me now by one piece then by another first all my comfort was taken from me then darkness seized upon me after which whole flouds of Blasphemies both against God Christ and the Scriptures was poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment These blasphemous thoughts were such as also stirred up questions in me against the very being of God and of his onely beloved Son as whether there were in truth a God or Christ or no and whether the holy Scriptures were not rather a Fable and cunning Story then the holy and pure Word of God 78. The Tempter also would much assault me with this How can you tell but that the Turkâ— had as good Scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour as we have to prove our Jesus is and could I think that so many ten
Scriptures fore-nam'd in thâ— Hebrews would be set befoâ—e me as the only Sentences that would keep me out of Heaven Theâ— again I should begin to repent that ever that thought went thorow me I should also think thus with my self why How many Scriptures are there against me there is but three or four and cannot God miss them and save me for all them Sometimes again I should think O if it weâ—e not for these three or four words now how might I be comforted and I could hardly forbear at sometimes but to wish them out of the Book 164. Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul and John and all the Writerâ— did look with scorn upon me and hold me in derision and as if they said unto me All our words are truth one of as much force â—s another it is not we that have cut you off but you have cast away your self there is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon but these and such as these It is impossible there remains no more sacrifice for sin Heb. 6. And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God than after they have known it to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them Heb. 10. For the Scriptures cannot be broken 2 Pet. 2.21 165. Thus was I confounded not knowing what to do nor how to be satisfied in this question whether the Scriptures could agree in the salvation of my Soul I quaked at the Apostles I knew their words were true and that they must stand for ever 166. And I remember one day as I was in divers frames of Spirit and considering that thesâ— frames were still acâ—ording to the nature of the several Scriptures that came in upon my mind 〈◊〉 this of Grace then I was quiet but if that of Esaâ— then tormented Lord thought I if both these Scriptures would meet in my heart at once I wonder which of them would get the better of me So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me yea I desired of God they might 167. Well about two or three dayes after so they did indeed they boulteâ— both upon me at a time and did work and struggle strangly in me for a while at last that about Esaus birth-right began to wax weak and withdraw and vanish and this about the sufficiency of Grace prevailed with peace and joy And as I was in a muse about this thing that Scripture came home upon me Mercy rejoyceth against Judgement 168. This was a wondâ—rment to me yet truly I am apt to think it was of God for the Word of the Law and Wrath must give place to the Word of Life and Grace because though the Word Of Condemnation be glorious yet the Word of Life and Salvation doth far exceed in glory 2 Cor. 3.8 9 10 11. Mar. 9.5 6 7. John 6.37 Also that Moses and Elias must both vanish and leave Christ and his Saints alone 169. This Scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul And him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out O the comfort that I have had from this word in no wise as who should say by no means for no thing what-ever he hath done But Satan would greatly labour â—o pull this promise from me telling of me that Christ did not mean me and such as I but sinners of a lower rank that had not done as I had done But I should answer him again Satan here is in this word no such exception but him that comes him â—â—ny him him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out And this I well remember still that of all the slights that Satan used to take this Scripture from me yet he never did so much as put this Question But do you come arâ—ght And I have thought the reason was because he thought I knew full well what coming was for I saw that to come aright was to come as I was a vile and ungodly sinner and to cast my self at the feet of Mercy condemning my self for sin If ever Sataâ— and I did strive for any word it was for this in John he pull'd and I pull'd but God be praised I got some sweetness from it 170. But notwithstanding all these helps and blessed words of grace yet that of Esaus selling of his birth-right would still at times distress my Conscience for though I had been most sweetly comforted and that but just before yet when that came into mind 't would make me fear again I could not be quite rid thereof 't would every day be with me wherefore now I went another way to woâ—k even to consider the nature of this blashemous thought I mean if I should take the words at the largest and give them their own natural foâ—ce and scope even every word therein So when I had thus considered I found that if they were fairly taken they would amount to this That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to his choice whether he would be my Saviour or no for the wicked words were these Let him go if he will Then that Scripture gave me hope I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Heb. 13.5 O Lord said I but I have left thee then it answered again but I will not leave thee For this I thank God alâ—o 171. Yet I was grievous afraid he should and found it exceeding hard to trust him seeing I hâ—d so offended him I could have been exceedinâ— glad that this thought had never be fallen foâ— then I thought I could with more ease and freedom abundance have leaned upon his grace I see it was with me as it was with Josephs Bâ—ethren the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their Brother would at last despise them Gen. 50.15 16 17 18. 172. But above all the Scriptures that yet I did meet with that in the twentieth of Joshua was the greatest comfort to me which speaks of the slayer that was to fly for refuge And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer then saith Moses they that are the Elders of the City of Refuge shall not deliver him into his hand because he smote his Neighbour unwittingly and hated him not afore-time O blessed be God for this word I was convinced that I was the slayer and tâ—at the avenger of blood pursued me that I felt with great terrour only now it remained that I enquire whether I have â—ight to enter the City of Refuge So I found That he must not who lay in wait to shed blood but he who unwittingly or that did unawars shed blood even he who did not hate his Neighbour before Wherefore 173. I thought veâ—ily I was the man that must enter for because I had smitten my Neighbour unwittingly and hated him not afore-time I hated him not afore-time no I prayed unto him was tender of sinning against him yea and against this wicked Temptation I
had strove for a twelve-moneth before yea and also when it did pass thorow my heart it did it in spite of my teeth Wherefore I thought I had right to enter this City and the Elders which are the Apostles were not to deliver me up This therefore was greaâ— comfort to me and did give me much ground of hope 174. Yet being very critical for my smaâ—t had made me that I knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me I had one question that my Soul did much desire to be resolved about and that was Whether it be possible for any Soul that hath indeed sinned the unpardonable sin yet after that to receive though but the least true spiritual comfort from God thorow Christ the which after I had much considered I found the answer was No they could not and that for these reasons 175. First Because those that have sinned that sin they are debarred a share in the Blood of Christ and being shut out of that they must needs be void of the least ground of hope and so of spiritual comfort for to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin Heb. 10.26 27. Secondly Because they are denied a share in the promise of Life they shall never be forgiven neither in this world nor in that which is to come Mat. 12.31 Thirdly The Son of God excludes them also from a share in his blessed intercession being for ever ashamed to own them both before his holy Father and the blessed Angels in heaven Mark 8. 176. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me and that too after this my wicked sin then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible Scriptures with which all this while I had been so greatly affâ—ighted and on which indeed before I durst scarce cast mine eyes â—ea had much ado an hundred times to forbear wishing of them out of the Bible for I thought they would destroy me but now I say I began to take some measure of incouragement to come close to them to read them and consider them and to weigh their scope and tendence 177. The which when I began to do I found their visage changed for they looked not so grimly on me as before I thought they did And first I came to the sixth of the Hebrews yet trembling for fear it should strike me which when I had considered I found that the falling there intended was a falling quite away that is as I conceived a falling from and an absolute denial of the Gospel of Remission of sins by Christ for from them the Apostle begins his argument ver 1 2 3. Secondly I found that this falling away must be openly even in the view of the World even so as to put Christ to an open shame Thirdly I found that those he there intendeth were for ever shut up of God both in blindness hardness and impenitency It is impossible they should be renewed again unto repentance By all these particulars I found to Gods everlasting praise my sin was not the sin in this place intended 178. Then I considered that in the tenth of the Hebrews and found that the wilful Sin there mentioned is not every wilful sin but that sin which doth throw off Christ and then his Commandments too Secondly That must also be done openly before two or three witnesses to answer that of the Law ver 28. Thirdly This sin cannot be committed but with great despite done to the Spirit of Grace despising both the disswasions from that sin and the perswasions to the contrary But the Lord knows though this my sin was devilish yet it did not amount to these 179. And as touching that in the twelfth of the Hebrews about Esau's selling his Birth-right though this was that which kill'd me and stood like a Spear against me yet now I did consider First That his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind but a thought consented to and put in practice likewise and that too after some deliberation Gen. 25. Secondly It was a publick and open action even before his Brother if not before many more this made his sin of a far more hainous nature then otherwise it would have been Thirdly He continued to slight his Birth-right He did eat and drink and went his way thus Esau DESPISED his Birth-right yea twenty year after he was found to despise it still And Esau said I have enough my Brother keep that thou hast to thy self Gen. 33.9 180. Now as touching this That Esau sought a place of repentance thus I thought First This was not for the Birth-right but for the Blessing this is clear from the Apostle and is distinguished by Esau himself He hath taken away my Birth-right that is formerly and now he hath taken away my Blessing also Gen. 27.36 Secondly Now this being thus considered I came again to the Apostle to see what might be the mind of God in a New-Testament stile and sence concerning Esau's sin and so far as I could conceive this was the mind of God That the Birth-right signified Regeneration and the Blessing the Eternal Inheritance for so the Apostle seems to hint Left there be any prophane person as Esau whose for one morsel of meat sold his Birth-right as if he should say Lest there be any person amongst you that shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God that at present are upon him in order to a new Birth lest they become a Esau even be rejected afterwards when they would inherit the Blessing 181. For many there are who in the day of Grace and Mercy despise those things which are indeed the Birth-right to Heaven who yet when the deciding-day appears will cry as loud as Esau Lord Lord open to us but then as Isaac would not repent no more will God the Father but will say I have blessed these yea and they shall be blessed but as for you Depart you are workers of iniquity Gen. 27.32 Luk. 13 25 26 27. 182. When I had thus considered these Scriptures and found that thus to understand them was not against but according to other Scriptures this still added further to my encouragement and comfort and also gave a great blow to that objection to wit That the Scriptures could not agree in the salvation of my Soul And now remained only the hinder part of the Tempest for the thunder was gone beyond me onely some drops did still remain that now and then would fall upon me but because my former frights and anguish were very sore and deep therefore it did oft befall me still as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire I thought every voice was fire fire every little touch would hurt my tender Conscience 183. But one day as I was passing in the field and that too with some dashes on my Conscience fearing lest yet all vvas not right suddenly
time my Wife was great with Child and before her full time was come her pangs as of a woman in travel were fierce and sâ—rong upon her even as if sâ—e would immediately have fallen in labour and been delivered of an untimely birth now at this very time it was that I had been so strongly tempted to question the â—eing of God wherefore as my Wife lay crying by me I said but with all secresie immaginable even thinking in my heart Lord if thou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my Wife and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night and now weâ—e her pangs just upon her then shall know that thou canst discern the most secret thought of the heart 195. I had no sooner said it in my â—eaâ—t but her pangs were taken fâ—om her and she was cast into a deep sleep and so she continued till morning at this I greatly marvelled not knowing what to think but after I had been awake a good while and heard her câ—y no more I fell to sleeping alâ—o So when I waked in the morning it came upon me again even what I had said in my heart the last night and how the Loâ—d had sâ—ewed me that he knew my secrâ—t tâ—oughts which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after 196. Well about a year and an half afterwards that wicked sinful thought of which I have spoken before went thorow my wicked heart even this thought Let Christ go if he will so when I was fallen under guilt for this the remembrance of my other thought and of the effect thereof vvould also come upon me vvith this retort vvhich carried also rebuke along vvith it Now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart 197. And with this that of the passages that was betwixt the Lord and his servant Gideon fell upon my spirit how because that Gideon tempted God vvith his Fleece both vvet and dry vvhen he should have believed and ventured upon his Word therefore the Lord did afteâ—wards so try him as to send him against an innumerable company of Enemies and that too as to outward appearance vvithout any strength or help Judg. Chap. 6 7. Thus he seâ—ved me and that justly for I should have believed his Word and not have put an if upon the all-seeingness of God 198. And now to shew you something of the advantages that I also gained by this Temptation And first By this I vvas made continually to possess in my Soul a very vvonderful sence both of the being and glory of God and of his beloved Son in the temptation befoâ—e my Soul vvas perplexed vvith Atheism but now the case vvas otherwise novv vvas God and Christ continually before my face though not in a vvay of comfort but in a vvay of exceeding dread and terrour The glory of the Holiness of God did at this time break me to pieces and the Bovvels and Compassion of Christ did break me as on the Wheel for I coulâ— not consider him but as a lost and rejected Christ the remembrance of vvhich vvas as the continual breaking of my bones 199. The Scâ—iptures now also vvere vvonderful things unto me I savv that the truth and verity of them vveâ—e the Keys of the Kingdom of Heaven those the Scriptures favour they must inherit bliss but those they oppose and condemn must perish for evermore O this vvord For the Scriptures cannot be broken vvould â—end the caul of my heart and so vvould that other Whose sins ye remit they are remitted but whose sins ye retain they are retained Novv I savv the Apostles to be the Elders of the City of Refuge Josh. 20.4 those they vvere to receive in vvere received to Life but those that they shut out vvere to be slain by the avenger of blood 200. O! one sentence of the Scripture did more afflict and terrifie my mind I mean those sentences that stood against me as sometimes I thought they every one did more I say than an Army of forty thousand men that might have come against me Wo be to him against vvhom the Scriptures bend themselves 201. By this Temptation I vvas made see more into the nature of the Pâ—omise then ever I vvas before for I lying novv trembling under the mighty hand of God continually torn and rent by the thunderings of his Justice this made me vvith caâ—eful heart and vvatchful eye vvith great seriousness to turn over every leaf and with much diligence mixt vvith trembling to consider every sentence together vvith its natural foâ—ce and latitude 202. By this Temptation also I vvas greatly beaâ—en oft my former foolish practice of putting by the Word of Promise vâ—hen it came into my mind for now though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the Promise as I had done at other times yet like to a man a sinking I should catch at all I saw formerly I thought I might not meddle with the Promise unless I felt its comfort but now 't was no time thus to do the Avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me 203. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word which yet I feared I had no ground nor right to own and even to leap into the Bosom of that Promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me Now also I should labour to take the woâ—d as God had laid it down without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof O what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John And him that comes to me I will in no wise cast out now I began to consider with my self that God had a bigger mouth to speak with than I had heart to conceive with I thought also with my self that he spake not his words in haste or in an unadvised hear but with infinite wisdom and judgement and in very truth and faithfulness 2 Sam. 3.28 204. I should in these dayes often in my greatest agonies even flounce towards the Promise as the horses do towards sound ground that yet stick in the mire concluding though as one almost bereft of his vvits through fear on this I will rest and stay and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it O! many a pull hath my heart had with Saâ—an for that blessed sixth of John I did not now as at other times look principally for comfoâ—t though O how welcome would it have been unto me but now a Word a Word to lean a weary Soul upon that I might not sink for ever 205. Yea often when I have been making to the Promise I have seen as if the Lord would â—efuse my Soul for ever I vvas often as if I had run upon the pikes and as if the Lord had thrust at me to keep me from him as with a flaming sword Then I should think of Esther who went to petition