about so much to change thy way to run from one thing in the world to another thou also shalt be ashamed of Aegypt as thou wast of Assyria V. 37. Thou shalt go forth from him and thy hand upon thy head in a posture of lamentation for the Lord hath rejected thy confidence thou shall not prosper in them The Lord perswade thy heart fully of these truths and work thy soul to a frame sutable thereunto The 18. day of this second Month 1654. This Afternoon being somewhat burthened at the wretched out-going of my vvicked heart which was like a vvild thing ready to break out upon every occasion even in reading the Scripture its self how sadly doth it take occasion to flye out the thoughts whereof very much oppressed my spirit whilst I was seeking the Lord about it it was darted into me that the Lord might be even now answering my own Prayers and desires though the answer of them seemed thus dreadful to me for oh how often have I formerly begged and desired of God that he would discover my own heart to me that he would anatomize it that I might see and know it even as he sees and knows it and the like and for ought I know this sad working up of corruption may even be to give me a sight of what filth there is within my heart yea may I not in some measure have provoked the Lord to suffer and permit sin to vvork in me by so vehement desires Oh good Lord What need then had we poor creatures to seek of thee to teach souls what and how to pray for truly we know not what to pray nay when thou comest in answer even to our own importunate desires how unable are we to bear the answer of our ovvn Prayers Oh the vvretchedness of my heart is it not polluted in all that ever it doth and saith Is not self and some by and base ends or other at the end of every thought vvord and action doth there not still step in some thing of self yea too often something of sin yea vvhen in company I speak best yea such things as others seem to admire at such expressions and experiences but alas is there not much sin in it Am I able to do to live or practise vvhat I speak Nay is there not most an end some base end either in the speaking of it or that comes in headlong after it Oh cursed frame of spirit The 20 day of this second Month 1654. having sought the Lord that he would breath in by his spirit upon my soul and give me some sights of himself some communion with him and some discoveries from him this Afternoon There were these hints fell upon my heart soon after that I had been very remiss in improving those precious glorious appearances of God to my soul through our dear Pastor that so nearly concerned me from that 45. Psalm and that therefore the Lord had justly laid him aside for a time even whilest he vvas entring into it O blessed Lord hast thou watched over me in the time of my childhood vanity unregeneracie when I knew not my right hand from my left hast thou been with me ever since to this day and should I now distrust thee or fear that thou shouldest now leave me to my self O cursed unbelief hast thou vvatched over me these six and twenty years and suffered no evil to overtake me but made all things to work together for my good and should I now fear and mistrust thy love Hast thou provided for me to this day that no good hath been wanting to me and shall I novv distrust thee or think thou wilt withhold any thing thou seest good for me Nay Hast thou not vvith-held me from evil that would have hurt me and must I now murmure repine and cry out of thy want of love to me and that thou shouldest bear all this and go on further to make out thy love to me and shall I yet distrust thee Hast thou overcome death and hell for me that I am not novv in that slavish fear of them as formerly I have been and shall I still fear that thou wilt not overcome my corruptions for me O cursed unbelief The 23. day of the second Month 1654. In the Morning being much discouraged in reference to any hopes of Gods appearance having heard but slender commendations of him that was to speak this day yet being desirous to look up to the Lord I besought him that he would please to give my soul some sight of himself and communion with him and that as I had former experiences from him that the instrument was nothing if he would please to undertake the work therefore I besought him that his povver might so appear that my soul might have a sight of him and there might be some seasonable word spoken that might do my soul good and truly I must needs acknowledge the Lord was pleased graciously to bow dovvn and manifest his presence exceedingly beyond my expectation this day The fourth day of this third Month 1654. being to take a portion of Physick I besought the Lord that it might accomplish his will and pleasure upon me and if that lay in health that it might be sanctified to me if in sickness that my vvill might be bowed and submitted to his will The 7. day of this third Month at night the Lord drew out myheart to beg of him amongst other requests that he would pardon all my mis-spent time and help me to improve what ever time he should see mete to give me more to his praise and glory and to that end if he should see mete to give me to enjoy another day and see the beginning of a new Week that he would also give me a new heart and a new spirit and help me to walk more to his praise improving time better then formerly The next Morning being the 8. of this third Month I besought the Lord for his presence that day notwithstanding all my unprofitableness and unworthiness of it with much to that effect And truly the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down and spake many sweet and seasonable things to my soul both through that servant of his Mr Bradshaw that preached that day at Fulham as also by his spirit through some Scripture then hinted unto us which caused my soul that night to breath out before the Lord desiring to bless him for it yet lamenting my unprofitableness under such glorious appearances of his and mis-improvement of them lamenting also the great iniquity of my tongue beseeching the Lord now to set a Watch before my mouth and to keep the door of my lips as also my heart The 13. of this third Month in the Morning as I was going down I had a strong repulse upon my spirit to speak a few words unto the Lord before I went down at which time my heart was greatly drawn out to speak to God to curse and blast and root
experience to be a God hearing prayer for I found him now also as I hope I may to his glory speak coming in very much as it were fitting me for this mercy by giving in out of his own free grace to his poor unworthy creature yet a more full and clear sight of his work upon my soul and so of my interest in him by means whereof I might now the more comfortably offer up my self into the communion of his people without a sight of which I should hardly I think have presumed to have done which work of his the Lord was pleased to help on by several of his Servants in Mr. Knights absence as Mr. Sidrach Simpson and Mr. Rogers whom he was pleased to make instrumental for my souls advantage and comfort at this time which the Lord thus carried on untill it was towards the end of the seventh moneth commonly called September in this year 1652. at which time Mr. Knight being returned home and removing to Fulham where the Lord opened a door for his people to joyn in communion together according to the Gospel the Lord now offering me this opportunity which I had so much longed for and his servant Mr. Knight to whom I had formerly by an other friend intimated my desires he I say acquainted me with it I durst not rashly deny to joyn with them but what fears and tremblings there were upon my spirit at this time is known only to the Lord for indeed I am not able to express it in which trouble my refuge as formerly was only to go to the Lord beseeching and earnestly importuning him now to appear and give in direction to his poor creature who was now in such a straight as that she knew not what to do But so farre as I know my own heart leaning alone upon the Lord and waiting for his direction I went to the place appointed to meet in not knowing what I should do in it taking little or no rest all the night before but coming there next morning and being still much oppressed in spirit in the turning of an eye as it were I can not express how or which way my spirit was on a suddain wrought over to give my consent and so to joyn with them They being as they conceived well satisfied in the long knowledg they had had of each other and their frequent converses together some whereof were in order to this very work which having been much desired by those few persons that then joyned and they so long interrupted and having put up many petitions to the throne of grace concerning it Mr. Barker being then present and carrying the intended work by prayer and counsel we joyned together in the fellowship of the Gospel But this work was not performed in so solemn a manner as I for my part could have desired both in setting more time a part to seek the Lord together in it and to have indeavoured to have given more full satisfaction to each other of the work of God in each others hearts which lay as a burthen upon my spirit which I often bewailed before the Lord and also moved it to some of our friends that we might yet meet and set a part a day to this end which was not thought meet at that time upon which I besought the Lord it might be no hindrance to his appearance amongst us for my spirit was opprest with fears of Gods not appearing in the midst of us which fears were at the present heightned from the mighty rage of Sathan in the spirits of many yea of some good men at this our first entrance into communion laying many harsh censures upon us which still put me upon a more narrow search into my own heart Thus seeing the rage of some against us to be very great and trembling in my self to think lest we by our miscarriage might give them some ground to speak evill of us it wrought a great sadness upon my spirit fearing lest we might be an occasion of darkning his glory to the World which caused me often to pour out my soul to the Lord beseeching him that if he had any delight in us he would be pleased to afford us his presence But in the very depth of these fears did the Lord by a meer providence as I was opening Mr. Burroughs's book cast my eye unexpectedly upon the 13 p. of the right manner of drawing nigh to God in worship where I found this note that the beginnings of things of high concernment do meet sometimes with great difficulties and interruptions which he gives some instances of and so adviseth us not to be offended though we should have some sad accidents to fall out at the beginning of great things for saith he notwithstanding this God may yet prosper it afterwards the serious consideration whereof did at the present a little refresh my spirit and support it with a desire to wait to see what the Lord would please to bring out of it Thus having for about 3 moneths space enjoyed the ordinances and the society of his servants and thereupon beginning to examine my own heart what fruit or benefit I had found by them it lay somewhat sadly upon my spirit for being able to discern very little then was the Lord pleased by a letter from Mr. Rogers to hand out something which for the present did a little support and cheer my spirit therein putting me upon the consideration of this truth that a Christian growth is not at all times sensible neither doth the Lord see it meet they should alwayes grow in one kind but that they grow in all parts as well in humility and self abasement and in the sight of our own weakness barrenness and unprofitableness c. which is as true a growth as that of faith though not alwayes so visible Yet some trouble still lying upon my spirit wanting a full and clear sight of my interest in Christ which as yet I had only some good hopes of but no such settled assurance but that I was often tottering backward and forward the Lord having formally and continually through the ministery of his word dispensed often by Mr. Knight and very powerfully to that end and sometimes also by Mr. Simpson by both which the Lord was pleased strongly to convince me of the dishonour that I had brought him by my unbeleef which was now the great burthen of my soul but finding much weakness of faith in me and an inability to roul so fully upon God and give glory to him by beleeving and taking him upon his word c. often fearing that sinne and Sathan would yet prevail over me But the Lord was pleased about the 10 moneth 1652. to draw out my heart exceedingly to beg of him a large measure of faith even that I might be enabled to honour him as much by beleeving as ever I had dishonoured him through unbeleef but this same month I had this wicked thought or temptation thrown with mighty force
may prove the reallest advantage of spiritual good to my soul yet fearing whether it do indeed come from him or no causeth some trembling upon my spirit how to act if it be a plot of his it is a fair one arising after this manner having often found great appearances of God as I hope I may say to his praise I have in other of his ordinances but finding my heart oftentimes very much shut up as it were and given over to deadness dulness and heaviness of spirit which was no way suitable to a spiritual heart and soul-quickning ordinance and finding this very much to prevail even at this present desiring your prayers that the Lord would direct me what to do by discovering to my soul whether indeed it doth arise from a subtilty of Sathan yea or no or whether it be a lively alarum from heaven to my soul thus trembling in my self whether my forbearance may not be found a yeilding to Sathan or whether on the other side I may not attempt and provoke the Lord by rushing unpreparedly upon his holy things thus desiring to give up my self into the hands of the Lord waiting for the breathings of his spirit through the help of your prayers I beseech the Lord alone to guide and lead my soul in all its motions and actions in this present world untill he shall bring it to a full enjoyment of himself in the perfection of holiness which my soul waiteth and longeth for where I shall fully enjoy what now my poor soul hath but a transient taste of which the Lord accomplish in his own time and make me willing to wait my appointed time until my change come that when ever my Lord comes I may be found watching The 10 of this 8 moneth oh my soul did not the Lord give me a gracious answer and return to this desire and prayer forementioned even whiles thou wert pouring out thy soul before the Lord wherein thou didst lament the corruption of thy heart begging of the Lord that he would subdue this wicked frame of spirit this deadness and dulness in his services and continuing issuing out of corruption pleading and arguing it out with the Lord after this manner that though thou wert unworthy altogether to beg any mercy from him or this mercy yet were there not others of his poor servants that were pleading with him for my poor soul nay was not my Lord Jesus now at his right hand pleading for me that I might not be pulled out of his hand For how can the Lord endure wickedness any lust or corruption to possesse my heart and take the Scepter out of his hand and so to rule and reign over me nay could my soul bear it to be thus over-powred and to have my heart thus drawn from Christ and thus captivated by sinne and Sathan when one word of his mouth could set my soul at liberty beseeching the Lord to search me and to try me for he knew whether those desires and teares and groanes came from my heart yea or no yea I know thou dost search me and knowest my heart but Lord discover also to me and if there be any hypocrisy in my spirit in this regard oh that thou wouldest answer me so by fire to consume that drosse and corruption in my soul yea whatsoever thyrighteous eyeseeth in me that is darkening to thy glory and withall telling the Lord how like a flood of mighty waters this corruption come in upon me one wave following another that I had no power to withstand it though he had discovered much of himself to my sonl and of the riches of his grace and emptiness of all other things that yet my soul should so run after vanity beseeching the Lord to give a real turn to all the affections of my soul and to fix them upon the Lord Jesus Christ where they shall be sure to be returned This was in the morning of the 10. day then did the Lord further satisfie and quiet my heart in my Evening sacrifice that same day his spirit breathed in my soul after this manner dear Lord oh that thou wouldest suppresse this spirit of murmuring under thy hand and if thou wilt have thy poor creature still to wrestle and strive under a body of death and corruption and temptations and snares and intanglements oh that thou wouldst help me in this work that I may not yeild under it but may hold out in a continual resistance and sighing and never give over or making any peace with sinne and though thou dost not see meet utterly to root out sinne yet oh Lord give it its deadly blow let it be still dying and withering and decaying and work in my soul growing and increasing even untill thou hast fully perfected it About the tenth of this eighth month this experience was given in to my soul by the Lord concerning Sathans dealing with my soul and some refreshments to support my spirit under it Oh my soul hath not Sathan dealt with thee concerning this great ordinance of the Lords supper even as he hath formerly done concerning the great duty of prayer how often hath he suggested to thee that it is to no end to pray to the Lord reasoning thus with thee oftentimes dost thou think there is any such God as thou prayest to did he ever hear thee or give thee any token of answer why then dost thou continually appeal to him and pour out thy soul before him and hath he not done just thus about this ordinance of the Lords Supper thou wicked spirit how often hast thou been proved a lyar what eminent tokens hath God given me of his hearing prayer from time to time both concerning my self and others and therein have proved thee a lyar and why then oh my soul shouldst thou not beleeve that Sathan will also prove a lyar in this is not the Lord yesterday and to day and for ever is his arm shortened or his hand weakened that he cannot save and deliver and appear to thee in as glorious a manner as ever oh then wait for him and what if thou waitest untill thy dissolution it will be happinesse more then thou dost deserve to be found waiting yet thou dost not know how soon he may appear to thee About the middle of the eight month 1653 O my soul what are thy continued fears are they not lest any thing should withdraw or steal away thy heart from the Lord dost not thou daily beg of him rather to crucifie all thy earthly desires what ever then any way to satisfie any of them A Letter to Mr. Knight the sixteenth of the eighth Moneth 1653. In Answer to the former desire to him the ninth of the same moneth to blesse the Lord for the Answer Dear Sir Having formerly in the time of my sadnesse desired your remembrance before the Lord who hath appeared in prayer both publick and private as also many other wayes thereby staying my poor spirit to wait upon him
even for the full accomplishment of his own promise who hath said sinne shall not have dominion over his that are not under the law but under grace as also that he would tread down Sathan under his peoples feet shortly which my soul desires to wait upon him for and in the mean time desires to blesse his name and that you would blesse him together with me that he was pleased to open any fountaines of love and mercy in this vale of teares so abundantly fulfilling to my poor soul that word of his which he was pleased no sooner to set upon my heart with a perswasion in some measure that it should be made good rouling though weakly upon him for it but that he was pleased so to do indeed that word I found Isai 56. 19. When the enemies shall come in like a flood the spirit of the Lord shall set up a standard against them for which I desire to blesse his name beseeching him that those impressions that he was pleased by his spirit through several words of his to make upon my heart might never be forgotten by me but that they might continually be as supports to my poor weak faith that it may grow from strength to strength even till I shall meet my God blessed for ever be that God that was pleased to know my poor soul in this hour of temptation and to take this poor lame soul and lead and carry it of being not able to go one step in any of his wayes without his hand but that it getteth one knock or bruise or other yea blessed for ever be that God and Saviour that will not suffer his poor creature to slip as he doth others but was pleased in rich mercy to be ever awakening my poor drowsy spirit by one affliction or another the thoughts of which do much refresh my spirit and seemeth at present a special token of his love for which I desire to blesse him and oh that I could praise the name of that God and Father who is the Father of all mercy and God of all consolation for truely I must needs say I am perswaded Sathan had not now been let loose to buffet me thus had I not been so sleepy and drowsy in spirit but blessed be that rod that awakned my poor soul from the sleep of any sinne so that the Lord will but please to work it out which I desire to wait on God for I should for some respect have forborn this duty of praise but that the Lord hath let in the clear sight of this mercy as also lest I should prove ungrateful for so large manifestation of mercy though all I can do in it is a meer nothing the greater is the goodness of God that bowes down to accept such broken praises which I have cause even to lament over having too little spiritual life in them when as in truth my whole soul and body should be a holy and lively sacrifice to God which the Lord inable me to do to that God whence all my enjoyments come in whom I desire to rest your unworthy but in desire and hope real friend for my Lords sake FINIS THE SECOND BOOK OF Manifold Experiments Of Gods dealing with my Soul in hearing Prayers and other gracious incomes of Love THe Lord was pleased to help me very much in this search by Mr. Knight who spake from this Scripture at Fulham the ninth of this ninth Moneth In the 12 of Luke 42 43. from which he shewed We have the Lord setting out the blessednesse of that servant that is faithful in the work that his Lord intrusteth him about and whom his Lord when he comes findeth to be so doing as he appointed Now O my soul what comfortable hopes canst thou gather out from the serious examination of thy own heart upon this point that the Lord hath made thee faithful though thou art poor weak and unworthy every way to be the servant of such a Lord what canst thou say to this hath the Lord indeed made thee faithful Ans 1. I gather some hopes of it that the Lord hath made me in some measure faithful from that sincerity that the Lord hath put into my heart to aim purely at his glory in all I do in this world the contrary to which causeth much bitterness in my spirit yet through the prevalency of the unregenerate part in me I am many times byassed and carried aside to aim at other things in many of my wayes but the glory of my Lord is my principal aim For if I know any thing of my own heart through mercy I do find it set to seek the honour of Christ and to walk in wayes well pleasing to him though I do too often sadly wander from these intents and desires which was discovered to be the real burthen of my life 2. In that the Lord hath been pleased to put into my soul I hope a real desire te do his whole will and therein to appear faithful daily desiring and begging of him that I might not at any time in any command of his be found consulting with flesh and blood but that as soon as ever he discovereth his wils in any thing whatever to me that he would also inable me to obey it readily Finding the Spirit of the Lord I hope oftentimes breathing in my soul after this manner Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde will to me in all my wayes that is it I beg of thee and though it be never so contrary to flesh and blood yea though I can see nothing but that it is laid out for to afflict me and to be a trial and exercise for me and so have nothing to induce me but thy will yet Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde in it to me what would I then beg of thee but onely a ready frame to yield obedience to thy will and leave the success sanctifying of it to me to thy self and if on the other side I think any mercy to be never so good or for my advantage yet if thou seest meet to discover to my soul that thy will is not in it would I not then if I know my own heart beg above all things to have my will to be wholly swallowed up into thine Lord And this hope is grounded in some measure upon the abundant experience the Lord hath given me of his goodness and mercy and abundant kindness in his often denying me of my will 3 I hope the Lord hath in some measure made me a faithful Servant in that he hath set my soul upon the watch to know his minde and will indeavouring and desiring to keep my eye upon him and him only that I might see what his minde and will is who hath said that he will guide his by his eye which causeth my soul though with much weaknesse not onely earnestly to desire but also to indeavour to reflect upon all my motions and actions and thoughts and words in this
were blessed discoveries given to judge our estate We were also instructed in all our present afflictions in this World still to remember it appears not yet what we shall be did you keep your eye on this how would it refresh you under all troubles Keep your eye then on Christ his appearances for there your fulness shall be But further to refresh the Saints they are at present the sons of God but know not the best of their estate you may be now under clouds and temptations but the best is behind it appears not now what you shall be And let this chear up your hearts The 8. day of this tenth month the Lord drew out my heart in the morning being the day of our Church-meeting to beg of him to go forth with us this day or else not to carry us out and withal That he would please to provide a blessed word a seasonable word for every poor soul that should in the sincerity of their spirit wait upon him that day and that he would please to speak some seasonable word to my soul that it may be a blessed testimony that his presence was with me begging also the pouring out of his spirit richly on them he should please to send to speak among us with much to this effect The nineth of this tenth month at night the Lord was pleased often to draw out my heart with some sence of his appearances as also my unfruitfulness under all former appearancs beseeching him to sanctifie all his appearances to my soul and help me to walk more watchfully and hearken more to the testimony of my own conscience in what ever I had done and not to sin against it with many such like desires begging this That as he had so sweetly encouraged my soul by these gracious hints the third of this month so that now he wovld please notwithstanding all my unworthiness and unfruitfulness yet to make good these gracious words of his wherein he hath said Sin shall not have Dominion over his people and that he would bruise Satan under their feet that he would never leave nor forsake them for which gracious blessed word of his I endeavoured to plead with him this Evening even upon the account of the full satisfaction the Lord Jesus had made to him that therefore these blessed words might be made good to my poor soul as also on the behalf of his servant our dear Pastor who the eighth of this eighth Month seemed exceeding sad which came with some power and sense upon my heart at this time beseeching the Lord if he had convinced him of any evil in him that he would also work it out of him and if there were any other oppression upon his spirit which was known to him that he would please to ease refresh comfort and fit him for the great work he hath called him to and also pour out his spirit upon him that he might have a real and sensible sight of the answers of those desires and that the Lord would please to direct him what and how to speak so as might be to the advantage of every of our souls who sincerely seek his face and presence And oh my soul how graciouslie did the Lord appear the next day being his Sabbath and gave in a gracious answer to these desires and gave forth far beyond them The 10th of this 10th Month being the Lords Day in the morning I sought the Lord for his most special presence in and with me this day that he would please to prepare a seasonable useful word for my soul and prepare my heart to meet with him that my soul might be enabled to bless and praise his Name for it and that he would please so eminently to appear that it might be written among the rewards of his love yea that it might come into my soul even as a special pledge of his love yea that he would please to pour out his spirit upon his servant and appear so eminently through him as that also he might be enabled to acknowledge it to his praise And oh my soul how richly and abundantly and fully did the Lord answer all these desires yea every of them in particular which were spread before him more at large then I am able to set down and truly the answers of them were much more large and full in which the Lord bowed down greatly even to the requests also to do more abundantly then I could ask or think and so he did begin even as soon I came to the Congregation filling my heart with great joy and expectation of his mercy from him even in the Psalm before Sermon the Psalm sung was Psal 22. 23. on which my soul joyfullie ran out and so both in Prayer and in Preaching how abundantlie did the Lord bow down and refresh my poor spitit and the spirit of our dear Pastor who in a most solemn manner again and again blessed the Lord for his appearances both in the dispensation of the Word also in the Lords Supper that was that day administred The Scripture spoken to us was Psal 45. 7. Thou hatest iniquity whence he shewed That Christ was lovely to his Saints for hating iniquity In opening hereof he shewed us what hatred was in man and what it was in Christ which as he said was not an action or passion but his very nature and will which putteth forth all his other Excellencies as his Power and his Wisdom c. to repel all that is contrarie to his Nature and Will which he further opened at large shewing us That all the object of Christs hatred was onely sin which is truly evil men hate that which they apprehend evil but Christs hatred is properly neither against men or Angels but only against sin and man onlie as he is under the power of sin and this hatred maketh him repel that which he hateth with all his power putting out all his Excellencies to the uttermost either for the destruction of sin in us or of us Thus Christ loved the nature of man and took it upon him yet when this love was turned into hatred by reason of the over-powering of sin which fighteth against the life of Christ and when this love of his comes to turn to hatred the hatred is the greater Now that Christ hateth sin appears both in the work of Redemption and Rejection In the work of Redemption when he comes to suppress sin in us he seemeth by this action to speak in this manner Rather then sin shall live in thee I will dye my blood shall rather go for it So in the Rejection the hatred of Christ shall kindle the fire of Hel about them But that Christ doth thus hate sin appears further by these things 1. By his dealings against it in the Creation Adam no sooner made but he falls and so boiling hot was Gods hatred against sin that before he gives him time for repentance or any parley he presently goes to his posterity
spirit and keep it from utter despair and giving up so as to be wholly of Sathans mind for though my fears and troubles were great and indeed unutterable yet did the Lord so secretly support me that I do not know that ever he suffered me peremptorily to conclude that I should certainly perish as Sathan continually suggested to me though I still feared it which fears were so great that they came well nigh unto despair which notwithstanding the Lord inabled me though in a poor weak and low measure yet to follow him still often telling him that if I did perish my desire was to perish coming towards him following of him and begging mercy from him Then in the year 1650. June the 28 was the Lord pleased to lay a very sad and heavy affliction upon me in taking from me my dear and precious Father who was the chief comfort of my natural life and this the Lord was pleased to do it in so sad and so suddain a manner which made it take the deeper impression upon my spirit and indeed adde much to my inward as well as my outward trouble being also accompanied with many sad temptations and suggestions to instance in one to two It was strongly suggested to me that the Lord had done this meerly in just judgement to manifest his displeasure against me and shew me that he was so farre from hearing my prayers wherein I did often much beg his life of the Lord that now he would not only take him from me but even in this sad severe manner not once permitting him to speake to me or me with him which was also further aggravated with these thoughts that it was the more just with the Lord thus to deal with me because I had not given him due praise for such a mercy as I had in so long enjoying him nor yet had made that use of his fatherly counsel and advice in this time of my doubts and feares as I might have done Thus being tossed to and fro and as it were in a wilderness in my own thoughts to think what the Lord meant by this sad dispensation or would have me take notice of at the last desiring to satisfie my self that it was an affliction of which all are partakers and that to be without afflictions is not a condition of Sonship and also considering that it was no other for the matter than what I had for many years both expected and feared and indeed a wonder all things being rightly weighed that I should enjoy him so long as through mercy I did Thus after some time of stubborn rebellion against God in not submitting quietly to his will the Lord was pleased to enable me at the last to begin to bethink my self what that evill might be in me which the Lord had now struck at and would me have sensible of by this his dealing with me And upon examination finding nothing wherein I could more charge my self than in immoderate affection to him and so putting him in stead of God I did at last though with much repulse in my wicked spirit acknowledg it before the Lord and begg of him that he would shew me more and more what his mind and meaning was in this so heavy a stroke and that as he had now by his own immediate hand brought me within the letter of the promise being now fatherless that he would also make it good to me in revealing himself to be a father to me in Jesus Christ And thus I continued sometime tossed to and fro with divers and sundry temptations having none to speak a word of comfort to me in this my distress I making none acquainted with this my condition but in this thing wholly yeilded to Sathan to keep all to my self having no ease nor vent for my spirit but only when I was in any measure enabled to pour out my soul before the Lord in which my spirit was also oftentimes much bound up though sometimes again inlarged Then about 2 or 3 moneths after being towards the end of September 1650. was the Lord pleased to cast my Mother as also my self both at one time upon our bed of sickness visiting us with very strong feavers which being towards Winter brought us very low which meeting with the inward trouble of my spirit lay very sadly upon me At which time in the midst of all my weakness I was brought to this resolution in my own thoughts being tossed up and down in my spirit as well as in my body so that now I did no longer desire any continuance of this natural life of mine nor yet promise the Lord any amendment of life as I had formerly done in all my other sicknesses though I could never make good any of these promises vowes or covenants by me so made hereupon I considered though with much trouble of spirit that I had found by sad and often experience that if I should live never so long I should live never the better nor gain any more assurance of my salvation and well-being therefore the desire of life was now wholly taken from me the Lord enabling me at the last to take up such thoughts as these that from the bottom of my heart I did and had for a long time desired to fear and serve the Lord and that those many failings which accompanied all my obedience were the burthen of my life and that if the Lord would have been pleased to have given me more freedome of spirit and set my soul more at liberty to have walked after his will it would have been as a heaven upon earth to me but contrarily I saw I was still pressed under with a body of death by reason of which I did nothing but offend night and day and that the longer I lived I did but aggravate my sin and condemnation I did therefore desire power to cast my self and the whole weight of my salvation upon Jesus Christ and although I could not confidently beleeve that the Lord would be good to me yet I saw that there was no salvation any where else and therefore did desire to relye wholly upon him acknowledging that I deserved nothing but hell and that if ever he bestowed any thing else upon me it was infinite unspeakable mercy Thus I continued for many dayes often longing for the time of my dissolution wherein I should sin and dishonour God no more vvhich both my self and others about me thought not to be farre off yet vvas the Lord pleased after some fevv vveaks in some measure to raise up my vveak body vvhich vvas nigh unto the dust and after some time to go on by degrees perfecting of my health all vvhich time being accompanied vvith many a sad thought my trouble still increasing as fast as my bodily health at the last the Lord vvas pleased to turn my thoughts upon those expressions of David in Psal 42. 5 11. Wherein he calls his soul to accompt saying Why art thou cast down O my soul and
why art thou disquieted within me hope thou in God The Lord setting this home with much power upon my spirit at this time having been all the vvinter deprived of the enjoying of any publick means the Lord I say setting this Scripture so home upon my spirit I began at last to reason thus vvith my self and to demand of my soul the reason of this my trouble the Lord being pleased also to put me upon the veiw of some Sermons of Mr. Marshalls and others vvhich I had formerly heard some expressions in them being brought to my mind vvherein I found several answers to many things vvhich I alleaged as the ground of my trouble I vvas also by the Lord I hope put upon a review of that little book called the Marrow of modern Divinity vvhich I had formerly read vvith much trembling vvith a secret perswasion in my heart that those vvere real truths though formerly I neither could nor durst fully close vvith them vvhich two means did through the blessing of God at the present somewhat settle and quiet my turmoiled spirit Then in the beginning of the year 1651. going into the Country and staying about a moneth vvithin 4 or 5 miles vvhere Mr. Stevens exerciseth having heard of him I had a great desire to hear him which also I did 3 or 4 times with much content he being one of those times upon Gal. 3. 8. The Scripture foreseeing that God would justifie the heathen through faith c. Where he shewed us fully that God did not justifie the righteous but even heathens ungodly men which word added somewhat to my comfort only I could not say I had faith and this stumbled me again Then coming to Colechester and resting only one Lords day there I heard Mr. Archer who by the providence of God was then upon that Scripture in Joh. 16. 8. Where the Lord promiseth to send the spirit that it should convince the world of sinne and of righteousness where he fully shewed that it was the office of the spirit to convince humble sinners of an all-sufficient righteousness in Jesus Christ thereupon stil labouring to take men off from all dependence upon their own righteousness or any thing in them or done by them which I now found I had been very guilty of telling us also that all those duties graces or qualifications that we so rested upon were not the righteousness of Christ c. therefore too scant and narrow to cover any soul at which time I must needs say I do really beleeve that the Lord was pleased to strike the first and great blow to dependence on my own actings although I had yet much confusion and trouble in my spirit concerning this thing being yet very dark in the understanding of it But in this short time of my being in the Country the Lord having in some measure thus begun as it were to speak a word of comfort to my poor soul I was strangly in my own thoughts I hope by the spirit of the Lord put upon the desires of communion with the people of God according to the Gospel and so upon the search of the Scripture according to my poor measure to that end accompanied with the experience I formerly had of that way called the Presbytery which I was now very much unsatisfied in which dissatisfaction was at the present only grounded upon the practice of them who walk in that way finding them generally so full of wrath bitterness clamors and evill speaking even of Brethren which I conceived not to be a Gospel-frame of spirit compared with those who practise the contrary which was much set upon my spirit to be more sweet humble and Christian like as also a way for more growth and establishment being more full of love which the Gospel is so full of and watching over one another c. Which I now saw I stood in great need of and therefore much desired finding my spirit then much drawn out to seek the Lords direction in it beseeching him more and more to clear up to me in what way of worship I might most honour him and meet with and enjoy most of him as also when and where I might so joyn begging of him also with much and earnest desire to fit me for it Then coming home again my trouble renewed to think how my lot was cast in such a place where I had little society that I could reap any benefit from and under his ministery which I continually found very unprofitable to me at last making this known to a friend how dissatisfied I was to hear him she advised me to go hear Mr. Knight which accordingly I did about Midsummer 1651. who through the assistance of God did fully lay open the free and abundant grace of God to poor creatures who see their lost and undone condition out of Christ through whose ministery the Lord was pleased to go on to convince me yet farther and more fully of my great unbeleef and deafness to Jesus Christ which had wrought so many sad troubles upon my spirit being convinced of which I would gladly have closed with Jesus Christ and relyed upon him having nothing to say against it but only my own wretchedness which being so often and fully by him answered I had at last nothing to say but only that I was so over-power'd with unbeleefe that though I would have closed with Jesus Christ gladly and with all my soul yet I neither durst nor could do it as I then thought Then having heard of the meeting at Mr. Knights house we went thither towards the end of Aug. 1651. being about a week before the fight at Worcester at which time they applyed themselves much to speak to the present condition of the Nation and the godly in it but after some time frequenting this meeting and finding much refreshment and satisfaction from it about a moneth or two at the most after the Lord was pleased to draw out my spirit exceedingly to spread my condition before the Lord and also crave the prayers of his people in that meeting in the behalf of my troubled soul and accordingly though with much repulse in my self I wrote a paper wherein I did acknowledg before the Lord that having been convinced of my wretched condition I did thereupon labour and strive to walk more close with the Lord c. Which being no wayes able to accomplish I durst not believe or go to God as a father but being in some measure convinced that I was all this while out of the way not being yet thoroughly convinced of the righteousnesse of Christ but going about too much to establish my own righteousness I did then desire their prayers that the Lord would be pleased to reveal more of his mind and will in Jesus Christ to my soul and enable me to deny my self and rely wholly upon him and having a fit opportunity of privacy coming there before any other company I laid it down upon the table and it
pleased the Lord so to order it Mr. Knight being absent Mr. Barker came in that day who was altogether unknown to me who taking a view of this paper among others did mention it before the Lord both in the entrance as also in the close of that dayes service the Lord putting into his heart and mouth a very seasonable word to my poor soul which was then spoken from 2 Pet. 2. 3 4 5. If so be that you have tasted that the Lord is gracious to whom coming as living stone dissallowed indeed of men but chosen of God and precious c. From which Scripture and what the Lord was pleased by him at that time to communicate from it did my soul receive very much refreshment and satisfaction Then did the Lord also direct the spirits of those that carried on that meeting to treat much about temptations from which there was many seasonable useful truths set home upon my heart finding by this discourse that Scripture in 1 Cor. 10. 13. plainly made good to my poor soul that no temptation had taken me but such as I now saw was common to others that I durst not think but to be the people of God now hearing them complain of the same things which together with the refreshments and supporting considerations under each of these which were held out to us was my poor drooping spirit mightily supported After this it pleased the Lord also to direct them in this meeting to treat about that great grace of faith and so afterwards to answer many doubts and fears that lay upon many souls from all vvhich being too large here to relate my soul received very much refreshing being in the close of that service put again upon it by the spirit of the Lord through these his servants to put the question to my soul at every turn doubt vvhence comest thou or vvherefore dost thou doubt and truely the Lord having spoken so much to my soul by all these means and instruments formerly mentioned that the strength of my doubts and feares began so to scatter that I could give very little account of the cause or ground of them being also now convinced in some measure that I did by these doubts feares jealousies and hard thoughts of God much provoke and dishonour him so that though formerly I thought it as it vvere a virtue in me to be doubting and questioning my estate I came now in some measure through grace to see that it vvas a heynous sin and therefore to endeavour strive and pray and do all I could against them Yet did often I lye under many sad apprehensions arising hence being convinc'd by the word in reading in one of Mr. Burrows books that there is no vvorship acceptable to God but that vvhich is tendered up to him as a father and the father of our Lord Jesus Christ now I not finding my self able at that time to look upon God or look up to him under this relation of a father only looking upon him as a gracious merciful and yet withall a just severe God this vvas a great trouble to my spirit then did the Lord by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight at the Chappel at Hammersmith put me upon the serious thoughts of that Scripture in Jer. 3. 1 4 12 13 14 15 19. vers Which at that times took much upon my heart in this particular having no power to gainsay the duty required in it the Lord being pleased by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight and sometimes some others to come in further carrying on this vvork that he had thus begun in my soul enabling me daily more and more to grovv up towards a more full assurance and confident rouling upon and giving up my vvhole soul to Jesus Christ giving me bodily to see more and more my own emptiness nothingness the conrinual need I stood in of him vvithout vvhom I now saw that I vvas nothing had nothing and could have nothing but only sin as also that fullness that is in him together vvith a readiness to give forth and communicate out of it to poor creatures vvho see the need they have of it and come to him for it vvhich I now desired above all things strength to do and that I might go vvholy out of my self and come to him for life then hearing that Mr. Knight and some fevv christians more vvere about gathering into a communion together I vvas much rejoyced in spirit at it supposing that happily the Lord might please to make it a mercy to me if I could but see him clearing up my way and opening a door for me to joyn with them which work seeming for a time to go on in their desires and intentions yet there was much fear arose in my spirit concerning it how I should be enabled to make out my condition so as that I might be approved of being full of ebbings and flowings sometimes hoping a little and sometimes again full of fears Thus being at a great stand in my self not knowing what to do but often seeking the Lord concerning it who was pleased at last to enable me to take up this resolution that through his grace assisting of me I would put it upon the trial relying upon him to enable me to make out what himself had wrought in my soul though in much weakness yet I hoped in truth and this I was the more willing unto that Scripture or rule of the Apostle being then much set upon the heart in the 1 Pet. 3. 15. Be ready alwayes to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear and though I was very sensible of my own disability hereunto yet rather than to deprive my self of such a benefit I was enabled in some measure to submit yet not without many fears and that strong ones too that I should not be accepted of the Lord now enabling me to take up these thoughts that I would through his assistance do my duty and offer my self and if the Lord should so order the spirits of his people to deny me I did desire to see his mind and to expect strength from him to submit to his will manitested through it acknowledging it no more nor so much as I had deserved considering with all that my desire was chiefly and in the first place to approve my self to the Lord and if he saw it good to his people also but if otherwise my desire was though I knew not how I should be enabled to do it yet however to wait upon the Lord and follow him still untill he should see good to make out a way for me then was there a day kept to seek the Lord on the behalf of Mrs. Arnal which by providence I heard of and had a desire to be at which accordingly I did at which time my spirit was much stirred up to crave the prayers of the people of God that
into my spirit to beat me off from that pitch of faith which I then found my spirit breathing after viz. that where the Lord gives such great strength of faith or any other grace he gives also as great trials and that therefore if I had the one I must expect the other also and so should not only be a means to pull down sorrows afflictions and trialls upon my own head but also in lying under them and so sadly dishonour God as now I do which at the present did somewhat take of the edge of my affections and weaken my former desires untill the Lord was pleased to discover to me that it was a meer temptation whether from Sathan or my own heart my deceitful but subtle enemies to skare me with such fears which temptation the Lord was pleased to enable me to overcome with grief that I should in the least parly with it and again to renew my former desires and withal to beg his continual presence with me in all whatever trialls and conditions he should bring me under that he would keep me from dishonouring him under them and manifest himself to me through them and then to do with me as seemeth him good A few dayes after as I was one Evening writing a letter unto a dear kinswoman of mine who at that time lay under some sad dispensation from the Lord whereupon I took occasion to urge that promise upon her in Rom. 8. 28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God c. which whiles I was indeavouring to presse upon her the Lord was pleased to cause it to fall with mighty power upon my heart which was set home upon my spirit not only as that which I should rest upon and expect the performance of but as that which I had had much experience through all the dealings of God with me to have been continually made good so that the experience which the Lord had given me of his dealings with my soul for many years in all the afflictions and exercises I had lyen under whether in body or mind in loss of relations or comforts c. yea the very withholding â—he light of Gods face which is life it self â— did restifie to the truth of this word having been all of them by the Lord brought and wrought about for my good the Lord enabling me to cleave the closer to himself and take the faster hold of him from the consideration of all which there fell this farther hint with some weight upon my spirit that it should also be even so with me in respect of those corruptions that I was still pestred with and groaned under But there being yet especially at some times many confused fears upon my spirit which I could give very little reason for upon the second day of the eleventh moneth 1652. being the first day of the week the Lord was pleased yet further to appear with a very seasonable word to my soul vvhich did much refresh it it vvas thus Mr. Knight being in the afternoone in his ministery at Fulham upon that Scripture in Heb. 2. 1 2 3. stirring us up to hearken diligently to Jesus Christ and not to let any of his words at any timeslip out of our hearts whence also he took occasion to comfort the people of God upon this accompt that Christ should think their eares worthy of hearing his voice that he should not always send his messengers nor make use of instruments but should often rather as it were chuse to speak himsel at which words the Lord was pleased to touch my heart and to make it sweetly to melt before him with joy to think that Christ should thus speak to my soul as I now saw he had done by him 2 years before vvho vvhen he had visited me vvith that sore loss of my dear parent and cast me and my Mother both upon our sick beds neither of us being able to speak to each other yea when no friend or creature either could or did indeavour to speak a vvord of comfort to my poor soul which vvas in a most sad condition for vvant of a clear sight of God under all these dispensations of his towards me vvho having as it vvere by his own hand as I now really beleeve he did shut up and stop'd all other mouths yet that now the Lord Jesus should choose to speak himself as I found he had done in some measure supporting my spirit vvhich vvas ready to sinck and give up under the heavy burthen it lay both of the sense of guilt and wrath all vvhich being put together Oh! hovv did the sight of his love both melt and chear my heart Then did the Lord also the next day being the second day of the same vveek bring to my mimd and thoughts those vvords that are recorded of Job in Job 9. 11. vvhich after I had paused a little upon contrary to my intention or thoughts I vvent on still reading though but in a briefe quick vvay being straightned of time for it vvas late in the Evening but I took a view of the vvhole book of Job untill I came to the end of it and the thing in general that vvas hinted to me and fell upon my spirit from the whole vvas this that none of al Jobs friends vvho indeavored to speak to him could neither hint out a vvord of comfort or of conviction to him in this sad estate none of all their vvords taking hold at all upon his spirit untill God himself came to speak and then one word of God doth it making him cry out Job 40. 45. Behold I am vile what shall I answer thee I will lay my hand upon my mouth Once have I spoken but I will not answer yea twice but I will proceed no further and again Job 42. 5 6. I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear but now mine eye seeth thee therefore I abhorre my self and repent in dust and ashes that was as I conceive when God spake which caused me strongly to reflect upon mine own heart thereby calling to mind how many instructions convictions and comforts have been from time to time for many years past by several friends and servants of God held out to me which never took any hold at all upon my spirit but when God himself will take in hand to speak he can bring things past and gone quite back again as he did the Sun upon t he Dial of Ahaz 2 King 22. 11. and bring them fresh into memory and cause the soul to see his hand and work in all and so to abhorre it self for those abominable unbeleeving thoughts and jealousies of God that have been upon its heart when as the Lord hath as it were took all opportunities to beget in the soul good and honourable thoughts of him Then hearing this same night that Mr. Simpson was next morning being the third day of this week to begin his lecture in Friday street
here I must needs say that though our Pastor spake much to this purpose and that sweetly a while since from 2 Cor. 6. 2. Behold now is the acceptable time behold now is the day of Salvation yet did it not take upon my heart in that way as these few hints did for the Lord had not then appeared to my soul in those manifestations of love as he did afterward and how ever these Scriptures do chiefly referre as I conceive to the time of the Gospel and Gods love to the souls of men in bringing of them home to himself yet that truth which was at this time chiefly set upon my heart was from the consideration of this present hint of time wherein the Lord through his rich grace in my Lord Jesus Christ had been pleased to cause his face to shine upon my soul The very next day being the 13 of this moneth in the morning when I was awaked as I lay in my bed I had that Scripture in Luk. 13. 11. brought fresh to my mind of that woman whom Sathan had bowed these eighteen years vers 16. whom Christ loosed with a perswasion before ever I began to count it that the time of my Thraldome under Sathan and sinne would run paralel with this as also my condition for saith the text she had a spirit of infirmity and was bowed together so as she could in no wise lift up her self and truly thus I found it had been with me for many years I had been bound by Sathan under unbeleefe and the corruptions of my own heart and so bowed together as I could in no wise lift up my self so as to give glory to God by beleeving and as for the time when I came to count it from the first time that the Lord was pleased to touch my heart with a sight and sense of my wretched condition and thereupon to occasion much trouble of spirit which was as I conceive about the year 1635. which reckoned untill the end of the year 1652 which was the first time that ever the Lord did upon real solid grounds speak any abiding word of comfort to me and so in any measure loosing me from those bands and I did find it to be just 18 years This same morning also a little while after there fell an other Scripture upon my heart which I found recorded in Psal 129. 1 2. Many a time have they afflicted me from my youth may I srael now say many a time have they afficted me from my youth yet have they not prevailed against me and hath it not been thus with my soul many a time hath it been afflicted with temptations and corruptions but through mercy they have not yet totally prevailed over me There was also two other Scriptures immediately after this set upon my heart this morning as first that in Psal 34. 6. This poor man cryed and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles even so this poor soul of mine hath cryed unto the Lord in my fears and he hath blessed be his name heard me and graciously delivered me out of all the fears and troubles that ever yet lay upon me And to back this for the future there was immediately that Scripture brought to my mind in Joh. 5. 19. He shall deliver thee in six troubles yea in seven there shall no evill touch thee the meditation whereof was exceeding sweet to my soul but whilst my soul lay under these enjoyments from the Lord which for a time even swallowed up my heart in the admiration of him yet notwithstanding suddenly after finding my heart exceedingly straightned to blesse and praise the name of this my God in such a manner and measure as my soul desired for all these wonderfull appearances to me I had this perswasion strongly darted into me that the Lord had some sharp affliction suddenly to lay upon me which I was fully possessed with expectation of which caused me to pour out my soul before the Lord beseeching him to fit me for it and sanctifie it unto me what ever it should be not knowing in what way or manner for to expect it apprehending it to be some sorer stroke than a little bodily affliction and because I apprehended that the sadest outward affliction that could come to me was the parting with my dear Mother I did therefore straightway apprehend this would be the trial at the thoughts of which I was at the present somewhat startled but within a few dayes on the 23 of this eleventh moneth was the Lord pleased to visit my poor body with much bodily distemper which seazed so upon my vitall spirits and so over-poured them which together with other distempers lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh in and under which if I know my own heart the greatest part of my trouble was that I could not find out what the mind of the Lord was in it in which inquiry there was some things the which were then presented to me as the ground of it as for instance The first thing that was darted into me was that the Lord did it to put a stop to me in this very act of recording the loves of the Lord to my soul who hath carried me as upon Eagles wings and as it were set me aloft Exod. 19. 4. so as no affliction or dispensation hath been able to do me hurt but have born yea forborn me and carried me all the dayes of old as he did his people Israel notwithstanding all my rebellions Esa 63. 9 10 12 15 16. and this suggestion for ought I know might come even from Sathan himself though I confesse it was presented upon a very faire account insinuating into me that it was out of the pride of my spirit which put me upon this action which caused my soul to make its address to the Lord beseeching him to search me and try my heart and my reines and withall begging of him that if there were any such corruption in the bottome which was not yet discovered to me that he would be pleased to reveal it and so put a stop to me in any actings whatsoever upon any such account And though upon the strictest search and inquiry that I was able to make into my own heart I could find little ground why I should altogether conclude with Sathan in this yet the very fear of it did for the space of half a year at least if I mistake not cause this work to cease untill it was again set with some weight upon my spirit as that which might make for the glory of my Lord and perhaps though weakly stammer out his praise when I shall be gathered into into my dust who was so unable to speak it out in my life and this I both did and do the rather beleeve to proceed from Sathan the great enemie of Soules because I find the Saints through the Scripture so ready to declare what great things the Lord had done for their soules Psal 34. 2.
66. 16. 1 Tim. 1. 13 14 15 16. Act. 22. there was also suddenly after this presented to me as one thing that the Lord might aim at in this touch of his even to mind me that I had not that degree of compassion or fellow feeling as I ought of that affliction which in some respect in the same kind though in a greater degree lay upon our Sister Arnat by reason of a great feaver and doubtless there might be something in this though I should also wrong my self should I not acknowledge much and continued working in my heart for and towards her which oft occasioned me to spread her condition before the Lord according to my poor measure But upon the 25 of this 11 moneth in the night I had little or no rest by reason of the great distemper which lay upon me and really I do not well know wether the distemper of my body or my mind were the greater but both meeting it lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh which thought it self ready to give up under it but my thoughts being continually working I found in my spirit a great natural reluctancy against death which seemed at times as it were to approach often thinking that it was not possible in natural reason that I could continue untill morning yet said I nothing for fear of affrighting my Mother yet had I also between times a great desire together with a kind of perswasion that for all this I should be enabled to hear Mr. Knight next morning whose turn it was to preach at the Chappel at Fulham thus I say finding in my spirit some kind of reluctancy at death of which considering a little it being that corruption which I thought had now been in some good measure crucified but finding it still to work up was no smal trouble to me which together with many other fears that lay upon my spirit as that I should not be inabled to sanctifie the name of God or honour him under this affliction which was indeed the ground of my trouble at the approach of death and if I know my heart in any measure that only which I resolved in my self to declare to some friend I should meet at Fulham next day if the Lord should please to enable me to go and so beg their remembrance at the throne of grace but being enabled to consider better of it I was given to see that it was nothing but a meer temptation to distrust the power and love of God to think as if he should now bring me into that condition that he would not carry me thorough whereupon I was enabled to gather up my spirits a little and in some better measure to submit to the hand and will of my Father which I was now assured should certainly end in his glory and my good and to this end I was now also enabled again to call over that blessed promise in Rom. 8. 28. That all things shall work yea work together for good to them that love God c. which promise I had often found by experience had been made good to my soul and was therefore much troubled that any distrustful thoughts should arise in me concerning it divers other promises also before mentioned were now brought to my mind and wrought afresh upon my heart which did exceedingly refresh my spirit so that the first refreshment which I found was in my spirit and after that was a little quieted I had a little short slumber and did the Lord so farre mittigate my bodily distemper as that it did not hinder me from that blessed opportunity next day though accompanied with much bodily weakness But upon the 2 day of the 12 moneth 1652. I found my distemper of body much abated in so much as I thought it was now quite gone but that very night was the Lord pleased to return yea to heighten it constraining me to keep house certain days whereby I perceived that this work upon my soul was not yet accomplished nor I fully acquainted with his mind and will in it which was some trouble to me whereupon I again besought the Lord to acquaint me with his mind and will in it and to sanctifie it unto me giving me an heart to submit to whatsoever he had yet further to lay upon me in which I also sought the prayers of his people upon the 6 of this moneth But upon the seventh day of this moneth Providence offering some occasion whereby I was put upon the thoughts of parting with my Aunt Dogget who was upon remove into the Country with many thoughts there abouts which were now brought to my mind which occasioned such a heavyness to possess my spirit upon other accounts also which came in to adde to the other in so much that I was even as it were overwhelmed with it untill I was enabled to vent it before the Lord at vvhich time he vvas pleased to discover to me that this vvas meerly to return as it vvere from the Lord to the creature for comfort and support as if he vvere not able abundantly to make up in himself the vvant of such a comfort and relation if he savv meet to deprive me of it the thoughts of vvhich did much grieve me then did the Lord also shevv me hovv I had continually provoked him in this kinde by leaning upon such poor reeds and diging to my self such poor pits such broken Cisterns as could indeed hold no vvater and in the mean time too much neglect him the fountain of living vvaters Jer. 2. 13. Yea while I was thus pouring out my soul before him and lamenting my miserable and wretched folly he was pleased also to cast my thoughts upon that part of Scripture I find recorded in 1 King 11. 9. How the Lord was angry with Solomon because his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel which had appeared to him twice even so I saw the Lord had just cause to be angry with me that I should thus again return to the creature and as it were make a God of it yea after such eminent appearances of his to my soul The same day did the Lord bring to my mind that severe threatning against Moab who had been at ease from his youth and was setled on his lees who had not been emptied from vessel to vessel neither had gone into captivity and therefore his taste remained in him and his sent was not changed Jer. 48. 11 now finding this given by the Spirit of God as the reason why his sent remained even because he had not been emptied c. I could not but stand and wonder what reason could be given of the corruptions in my heart whom the Lord had not left at ease but had often emptied from vessel to vessel as it were trying alwayes and means with me and yet that I should still savour so much of the earth and of the old man and should still so incline to depend upon an arm of flesh 2 Chron. 32.
8. Jer. 17. 5. and not the rock of Ages The next morning as I lay in my bed I had a secret perswasion darted into me that the Lord was even now answering a great desire of my soul that I have often yea a long time desired that the Lord would be pleased to search and try my reins and my heart and to reveal it to my soul that I might see what was in the bottome of my heart even as he saw it and that to that end he would please to turn the very inside of my heart outward and anatomize it before my eyes and surely the Lord hath been a long time yea for many years emptying me from vessel to vessel and turning me as it were upside down laying me under variety of conditions and dispensations sometimes under mercies sometimes afflictions sometimes one affliction sometimes an other sometimes under scoffs scornes injuries wrongs from neer relations sometimes sickness weaknesses pains bodily trialls spirituall exercises under the power of corruptions and temptations of all sorts and in all conditions and I hope his end is in and by all to purge away my dregs yea I hope he is now in this present affliction making a discovery of my own heart too shewing me how apt it is to depart from the living God and to seek fullness of contentment and satisfaction in poor empty things which the Lord grant I may so see as never more to pursue after them Then did the Lord the sixteenth of this 12. moneth 1652. being the fourth day of the week and our Pastors turn to preach seasonably backe this former conviction which lay upon my heart the Lord being pleased that day both through him as also by his own spirit to speak many seasonable words to my soul shewing me that indeed the true reason why I had wandered so long in a vast howling wilderness without the clear sight of his blessed face which as he now shewed me was because I had not indeed given up my self to the guidance and leading of Jesus Christ but would be gadding about to find my own way and paths of my own Jer. 2. 33 36. and therefore it was just with God to deal with me as he did with Israel of old and bring me back again causing me with sorrow to unravel all that I had done and acknowledg it to be my folly and madness to think to find the path of life and glory by any actings of my own without a clear going out of my self and by faith laying hold upon the righteousness of the Lord Jesus Christ only Yea as Israel of old upon every new straight difficulty or danger still fell to murmuring against the Lord and against his servants even so was it with my wretched heart how ready was it upon every occasion or dispensation of God to me to repine murmur and cry out why is it thus with me surely if he had any love to me it would not c. Yea as they did many of them in their hearts return back again into Aegypt after God had most eminently appeared to them and gone before them and with them even thus I saw it was with my wretched heart oh how ready is it still to return back to the creature for comfort c. yea with Demas to return again to this present world too much and that after such appearances of God to me did not the Lord ever and anon put me in mind and stir me and shew me what was in my heart Yea as Israel in their murmuring discontent cryed out would God we had dyed in Aegypt even so did my wretched heart seeing the difficulty and danger which I apprehended did attend the way to heaven and therefore fearing I should fall short and be overcome of Sathan one time or other and so brought to hell for my sins in a murmuring repining way at the various administrations of God to me often wish'd would God I had dyed in the womb And as they for this murmuring were caused to wander in the wilderness untill their carcases were wasted away and never suffered to possesse that good land or see it many of them even so how justly might the Lord have dealt thus with me and have caused me to wander in this vast desolate wilderness in my self untill not only my body which in a great measure did but untill my very soul should pine away in me but that ever the Lord should give such an unworthy wretch any sights of that good land to see those bunches of grapes c. that are there in abundance and to have any smal taste of them oh the riches of that grace how unsearchable and unfadomeable is this loving kindness and mercy These and many other sweet discoveties of himself and of my own heart was the Lord pleased to give forth into my soul this day both by his word and spirit shewing me my madness and folly in not staying in all my waye to see Christ go before me and guide and lead me but running before him upon wayes of my own which the Lord had justly and righteously yea I hope in the greatest mercy blasted to me which the Lord grant may never more be seen in or found done by me Then upon the third day of the first moneth 1653. being a day set apart by the Parliament for a publick fast thoroughout the Common-wealth Mr. Knight and Mr. Smalwood with one more kept the day at Fulham Mr. Smalwood began the day and shewed us that it was prophesied concerning Christ that he should come as a warrier amongst the Gentiles and that the chief seat of this his spiritual warre to let go that of his providential Kingdome is in the hearts of his people there being the seat of the greatest opposition against him Shewing us that the principal thing that man setteth up in his heart against Christ is his own righteousness therefore Christ wil come to wage warre in that heart where this is seated and set up against him Which through grace gave me a sight clearly of the true reason of all those combustions hurries frights and tumults in my heart for many years together that it was because Christ was coming there as a warrier to pull down those fortifications that I was making to keep him out to wit my striving and endeavouring might and main to set up my own righteousness too much and blessed for ever be that grace that thus many wayes both prevented it and also went on discovering the evill of it to me many sweet refreshments also were hinted out to my soul this day by the Lord through this his servant which came in with such mighty power upon my heart as that I cannot but record them Having now thus shewen us where it is that this seat of this warre of Christ is he then came afterwards to shew what kind of warre he doth thus wage in the hearts of his people which he opened to be the same that he waged
poor servant a profiting spirit under his administrations to her which desires were not onely put up before the Lord but are the issuings out of my heart frequently before the Lord on her behalfe March 31 the Lord was exceedingly pleased to put it upon my heart to seek his face in the behalf of my dear Brother desiring above all earthly blessings that the Lord would be pleased to give me him in as a return of prayer that one so night me might not perish in which desires he drew out my heart exceedingly insomuch then and often since so that I could willingly pour out my very life for him that the Lord would but touch his heart in mercy and that that work we hope the Lord hath begun in him he would finish telling the Lord withall that he had said what ever we ask beleeving we shall receive beseeching him to increase my saith telling him further that it was my desire to beleeve and expect the return of this poor desire in his own time and how it might make most for his glory and that if it were his will to let me see it and that seeing he had given me thus much boldness from the experience of his richness in answering the desires of my poor soul both for my self and others that he would also please to give in this poor Brother as a return of prayer and help me to give him the glory of it and truly immediately before this duty it was much set upon my heart to beg of God to manifest his pleasure to me in this thing and in drawing out my heart and the heart of others of his people on his behalfe March 31. In my morning-sacrifice I had this discovery or experiment hinted upon my spirit that if it were so good to be in the heart of Gods people as my soul had found by experience it was being really perswaded that much of the soul-mercies that I enjoy came in through the prayers of some of Gods people for me oh what is it then to be in the heart of God! for truly had I not been in his heart the being in their heart would little have advantaged me April the sixteenth the Lord having been pleased two or three dayes before much to disappoint that expectation of my soul providence casting me among several godly persons and finding little of God drop from them to my spiritual advantage as also finding my own heart exceedingly bound up whiles I was in their company when as I was going home it so seised upon my spirit that I thought my very heart was overset and would have burst within me all which put my soul into a holy awe and trembling for fear lest the Lord should also at this present withdraw from me which put my soul upon a more earnest and importunate seeking of him to appear to my soul through every ordinance of his that I might see his face and not his back urging of him very much with the promise that he had said that the seed of Jacob should not seek his face in vaine beseeching the Lord that it might be made good to my soul at this time the next day if he should please to adde this one opportunity more to me telling him withall that it was true I might yea I had sought other things in vaine I but should I seek his face in vaine now that I come onely to seek his face relying on his promise he had made me that I should not seek in vaine and therefore I did desire to roul upon it beseeching him to increase my faith that I might really and indeed expect the performance and making of it good at this present to my soul and truly I dare not but to his praise acknowledg and desire that the remembrance of it might dwel upon my heart and the Lord was pleased in a wonderfull manner to manifest himself this day being the 17 of April to my soul through which that whole day both in prayer and preaching every word in prayer coming as if it had been fetched from the bottom of my heart and every word in the Sermons being of such spiritual concernment to me that I could not but acknowledg the Lord mightily present through his servant Mr. Knight this day And truly this former appearance of God having so rasished my heart and refreshed my spirit I was also imboldened to seek the Lord for his appearance April 20. beseeching him that as he had begun his work in abundant measure in mercy that he would also please to go on and adde this one mercy more and trust me with it and give me a heart to improve it to his glory that as he had given me this abundant experience of not seeking his face in vaine so that he would strengthen my faith even at this time also to call upon him and truly the Lord was pleased also to bow down and appear abundantly to my soul this day also through Mr. Knight April 27. I gave up in a note this day that one desires to praise the Lord that amidst all the trials he hath been pleased to excercise her under in this pilgrimage he hath been pleased to give her some tastes of the rest that is onely to be enjoyed in himself beseeching him so to increase her faith that she may be enabled to live upon a promise this was given up to Mr. Knight to spread before the Lord April 24. 1653. For one whom the Lord hath been pleased out of his free grace to set his first love upon and continually to follow with mercy upon mercy and to give in one return upon the neck of another notwithstanding she had often in the rebellion of her heart said that God had covered all her prayers with a cloud and would never answer any of them which yet he hath abundantly done which she is not able any way sufficiently to admire or blesse his name for and therefore desires that those whose hearts the Lord hath more inlarged to this glorious heavenly work would help to blesse and praise that name of God whom there is none like unto who continually waiteth that he may be gracious beseeching him that he would also enable her soul to wait to blesse and praise his name yea wait for a heart suited to all these wonderful appearances of his to her soul that she might be more and more dedicated and given up to him and him alone in all she hath is or shall be enabled to do this also was given up to Mr. Knight April 26. apprehending that one propounded to the Church intended to address himself to the Church for admission being before much dissatisfied concerning him yet finding much inclination in the spirits of others to him I was exceedingly troubled about it and besought the Lord to direct me what to do in it beseeching him also to appear among us and give in his spirit that it might be to us a spirit of discerning that he would be pleased
might have cause to praise him even to all eternity for this unspeakable mercy This latter was written in the behalf of one in near relation afterwards it was exceedingly set upon my heart not to do it onely in his behalf but also in the behalf of other poor dark souls in relation to me May the 4. Oh my soul must thou not needs acknowledg the Lord a God hearing the very groanes of thy soul before they were effectually put up puting in at the very time a seasonable word into the mouthes of his servants suiting to thy troubles and fears supporting thy spirit under them abundantly And did not the Lord that same day May 4. by a letter that as soone as I came home came to my hands gave my soul great hopes of a begun work upon that poor soul which came as it were as a fresh return of prayer this very person being in my heart in these desires that were then put up May 21. the Lord was pleased one Evening very much to draw out my heart to beg his appearance to my soul in every ordinance in a more full and lively manner then formerly and next day being the first day of the week truly the Lord was pleased very much to appear in the morning to refresh and chear my heart and so also in the ordinance of the supper for which bless the Lord O my soul The fourth of the fourth moneth In the Evening I found my heart very dead and dull to any spiritual service yet the Lord was pleased to draw it out in this request to him begging a special presence of his the next day both in prayer and preaching and the ordinance of the supper begging the Lord to appear through his servant that was to administer in his name that there might be such a lively presence and appearance of God through him as might be a token of good to my soul And truly the Lord was pleased the next day in a lively manner to appear not onely suiting his appearance to that dead dull frame my wretched heart was in to him but doing abundantly above even my expectation in some sense riding triumphantly and gloriously in the charet of his word The 13 of this fourth moneth in the Evening the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to plead with him to discover to me what the desires the hungrings and the thirstings of my soul were indeed after telling him withall that as farre as I knew my own heart it was not after the world the profits pleasures or any thing in it beseeching him to search and try me and if I were deceived in this to discover it to me and to be so farre from satisfying any thirst of my soul after any thing besides himself as to blast it and to make me sensible of it and humble before him for it but telling him withall that he had promised that he that hungers and thirsts after righteousness they shall be satisfied and filled and truely if I know any thing of my own heart this is it my soul waiteth for and brayeth after to be made more like him more conformable to him to have the spirit of a child put upon me whereby I might be more like unto him and more dedicated and given up in all my wayes to him but that if it were not thus with me but that I were deceived in it I did then beg above all things in the world that the Lord would discover it unto me The 25 of this fourth moneth my spirit wasdrawn out to beg the Lords appearance the next day and suiting my heart to it which I found in a very dead dul frame beseeching the Lord that his appearance might not answer that wretched frame my heart was then in but that my heart might be put in frame to meet with him As also that the Lord would be pleased to provide a portion for every poor soul that desires to see his face and to seek his presence that they might find some word suitable to their condition and how richly and abundantly did the Lord answer each of those desires both in behalf of my own soul and also on the behalf of others how gloriously did the Lord appear and ride triumphantly in the Charet of his word this day in the morning presenting very glorious usefull truths seasonable to my poor soul which the Lord enable me to practise and make use of enabling me to improve the promises to this great work of cleaning from corruption Yea the Lord was pleased in a further way to answer my desires for others putting in a very seasonable word of his to my Cozen Jefferson concerning free-will who was much in my thoughts in my former requests shewing how the promises were made in respect of our own weakness and nothingness for had the creature any power God need not promise to do all The Lord having thus appeared this morning there arose in my heart a question at noon whether I should not publickly by Mr. Knight offer up praises to the Lord for this appearance of his but through many fears that arose upon my spirit lest it might be misconstrued as if I did desire to appear to be somebody with the like temptation was kept off yet notwithstanding some trouble to my spirit for I was greatly desirous to have blessed the Lord publickly for it yet how did the Lord appear in answer to this secret desire of mine For Mr. Knight himself upon his own account did largely blesse the Lord for his appearance in the midst of the day and so throughout with which my heart did really close and so did our Sister Arnal as she said afterward as well as my self greatly rejoycing that the Lord drew out his heart in that wherein her heart and mind also did so abundantly joyn Our Brethen having made some entrance into the private conference and somewhat of God appearing from several of them my heart was much drawn out to propound some questions to them having two or three things upon my spirit wherein I was much unsatisfied and having resolved upon the thing in general there arose a great dispute in my spirit which question to propound first for they all left much weight upon my spirit and amongst others I had a very strong desire to propound this what means might be best available for the subduing of pride and strong debate had I in my spirit before I could passe this over yet at the last my spirit was overcome to propound another which proved very suitable to many other spirits in which I saw some hand of God Yet did my heart earnestly long after some resolutions concerning that of pride but how gloriouly did the Lord a while after the 26 of this fourth moneth appear in answer to it shewing me that there is no way like to the taking of the advantage of the ordinances which the Lord enable me to do About the end of this fourth
degrees of it which thou sawest through mercy by others though not visibly to them Thus did the Lord bring a good issue out of their own speeches and words causing thee to lie down at his foot expecting the punishment of thine iniquity Yea greater difficultie then these hath the Lord carried thee through when all the powers of Hell and thy own Corruptions have combined together to keep thee from duties of Prayer Meditation and Examination and the like and yet the Lord hath enabled thee to break through all and to pour out thy soul to him when thou wert even in thy own apprehensions at the Pits brink and yet resolved to cry to him and not to give over crying and calling whilst thou livest notwithstanding all temptations to the contrary yea the more strong the temptations were the more speedily wert thou fain to address to the Lord for his strength and power to assist thee in grapling with them yea when some times overcame as it were and beaten down by Satan and entring the very borders of despair yet even thence from this belly of hel in which thou didst apprehend thy self already entred did not the Lord inable thee to cry to him resolve to give him no rest Yea when thou foundest no advantage or profit of all thy Prayers and Tears Sighs Croans but that the Lord seemed to turn a deaf ear yet did not the Lord enable thee to go on and to tell him that all those comforts and enjoyment here below they were poor mean things such as thou couldest not take for thy portion and therefore didst beg with submission to his wil That if he had no other for thee but the portion of this life that he would please to deny thee them also and never give them to be a snare but rather let thee end thy dayes in some desolate Wilderness 3. Faithfulness appears in cheerful service Now O my soul art thou not able to say before the Lord the searcher of hearts through his grace that so much faithfulness as thou canst discern in thee in any service of thy Lord is thy very joy and rejoicing of thy heart but on the other side so much unfaithfulness as thou canst discern in any service this is it that maketh thee go mourning all thy dayes because thou art no more fruitful 4. O my soul thy faithfulness in some measure appears in that thou art rejoiced really in spirit when any opportunity is put into thy hand and thy heart being enabled in any measure to improve it to the service and for the glory of thy Lord and art thou not on the contrary grieved that thou hast so many opportunities offered before thee but like a fool hast not a heart to improve them for the glory of thy Lord is not this thy daylie burthen Lord thou knowest it is when through the subtilty of Satan and deceit of my own heart I fool away many rich opportunities by not improving of them which after proved a sad burthen and affliction to me 5. O my soul doth there not appear some degree of faithfulness to thy Lord in that thy endeavours do come still beneath thy desires hath not the Lord really enabled thee through grace to say with Paul The good that I would do I do not But O that I could do it that I could serve the Lord more and better but oh how low do I live and how poorly do I walk but oh that I could come to Prayer and read and hear and meditate and do all private and publike duties and walk in all my Relations in this world as might honor this my Lord are not these the continual groans and breathings of my heart before the Lord Lord thou knowest it for I have none I desire to appeal unto but to thee the searcher of my heart 6. Lord doth not some faithfulness appear to be wrought in my soul by thee in that thou hast above all things made me to delight in that work that no eye sees but thy self Thou knowest what a fear hath been upon my spirit and is to this day in a great measure to appear before others thou Lord knowest how many years this fear hath been as a prison to keep in the workings of my heart as doors to my mouth to keept it from lamenting it self not so much as in one word in the hearing of others lest there should any pride or hypocrifie act in it yea to this very day how many services wherein perhaps thy Lord might be honoured art thou prevented and durst not to act in upon this very accompt that it cannot be done in private canst thou not say before the searcher of hearts That such thoughts and apprehensions and fears as these least others should esteem thee better then thou art or thy own spirit be lifted up before the Lord or any false ends byasse thee in it That such thoughts I say as thefe do often as it were tye up thy tongue sow up thy mouth in all companies even whiles at that instant thy heart is even ready to split or break in pieces for want of vent sometimes apprehending that those discoveries that the Lord was pleased sometimes to make to thee and the rich grace he is pleased to manifest in thee in overcoming all the unkindness in thee ought not to be put unnder a bushel but held out to others and yet not daring to do it finding my wretched heart so prone to be lifted up upon all such occasions and so dishonor God that way and so deceive others and my self also And through both these fears my soul often walks sadly before the Lord fearing to offend him and not being able to discern it whether way I might most honor him having made trial of both sometimes silent and sometimes spake and finding the wickedness of my heart appear sadly in both I knew not sometimes which was best the Lord in mercy manifest and clear up to me O my soul Thus may it probably and hopefully appear to thee that the Lord hath made thee in some measure his faithful servant 1. The Lord hath given me some hopes that I trust I have no other Master that I willingly call Rabbi or willingly serve but my Lord Jesus nor have I any other work that I do upon which my heart is delightfully set upon but only my Lords work and this appears farther to me in that the Lord hath I hope in some measure wrought my heart to this frame of spirit to desire above all things to serve my Lord Christ in all the Relations he hath set me in in this world and to that end every failing in any of them either as a child or friend or any Relation though I too sadly fail in them all this is that which if my heart deceive me not above all things breaketh my heart to think that hereby I do dishonor my Lord Jesus and that profession of being his servant It is not
hovv gloriously vvas the Lord pleased to unvail the Lord Jesus Christ to thee as a Physician to poor sick souls vvhich discovery of him as it vvas very glorious so most suitable to the present estate of thy spirit being as I trust I may truly say sick of its self of all its vvayes and doubts and failings to all my relations conversations and O hovv svveet and seasonable vvas it novv to hear of such a Physician as he was gloriously held out to be from that 9 Matth. 12. and for the other suit in causing my soul deeply to fall in love with him and to be really taken off from all things else even for this I desire to wait until the same Lord shall please to give in as gracious an answer which I trust he will also do in his due time And for those requests put up this morning I could not but acknowledge that the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down and give me a sensible token of his glorious and gracious presence through which that present mercy in prayer every word coming as it were from my very heart in both the prayers before and after Sermon being the very groans and breathings of my soul before the Lord and every word in the Sermon almost being as it were spoken from heaven to my heart so fully and in those very things that my heart was at that very time burthened withall and I thought to have vented to Mr. Knight our dear Pastor the day before which if the Lord had not prevented me in I really fear that I should not have had so clear and gracious a sight of God in this his appearance but should have thought surely he had spoken those things in relation to me but blessed be that God that ordereth things so as to give his poor creature a more clear sight of the riches of his grace even as a prayer-hearing God and all this notwithstanding the rebellions of my spirit even under the hopes of his appearances breaking out into that rash and sinful word being exceedingly wearied going up and down Westminster-hall and to White-hall and to and fro up and down then as I said did the passion of my wicked spirit cause me to break out into this foolish sinful expression saying If I had known this I would not have come out this day when as perhaps the Lords intent by it was to try me and make the folly of my heart appear to me and see how my faith could bear up against those discouragements and bodily trials for my body was much distempered and in this my walking up and down I had a pain took me under my side that strook through my brest to my heart that I looked every moment when I should fall down in the street as I went along and as I came back yet notwithstanding all this my rebellion and repenting of my journey was the Lord pleased not to do by me as righteously he might for he repented not of his intended kindness to me though I repented at my waiting upon him for it and though I was full of changes yet he changed not but when the Lord was pleased to bring me back again to Westminster and that in due time I was glad and began to recover my spirit again O how was my heart filled as it were with this exceeding appearance of the Lord and in some measure inlarged that evening to bless his Name who had so often appeared and to all added the mercy of this day manifesting self to be a God hearing prayer but O that cursed unbelief of my wicked heart that hath had so much and so manifold appearances of God and of his goodness and should yet trust him no more which also greatly drew out my heart to beg of him to crucifie my unbelief but I confess this was it that often gave the turn and draweth a cloud as it were before me even the mighty prevalences of corruption in my soul which maketh me often to cry out Lord when shall I see this body of death and sin subdued and crucified and my soul fully subjected to thee this being the burthen of my soul even then when the Lord shines forth most clearly upon my heart to think what an unsuitable frame of spirit is there in me to all those wonderful wayes of the Lord towards me that by all the sights he gives me of himself and his will I am no more changed into his likeness The 15 day of this twelfth Moneth at night the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart to beg of him the rooting out of those corruptions issuing out of my heart to the creature and gathering of it up into him self and ordering my affections and the like as also being greatly drawn out to bless and praise him beseeching him to inable me to it to bless him for his answers so often given me to the importunate desires and requests of my soul when I had so often tempted him for it was not Israel only that tempted him ten times but I had often tempted him so that he might have righteously given that I begged of him and a curse together with it but I did now greatly desire to bless him that hitherto he had denied me in it beseeching him so to do still and subject my soul to him in all my wayes begging him earnestly that he would once work my heart to such assurance that I might be careful in nothing and in nothing thoughtful for or studious about any thing here below and to give up my self wholly to be at his dispose yea more then ever I had been to any bodily Physician beseeching him now that he would undertake to be my souls Physician and to cure me of those soul-distempers in my affections and practises let the physick be vvhat he vvill let it but be of his prescribing and to support my spirit under his hand and make it vvilling to submit to his vvill and then Lord do with me vvhat thou vvilt And novv father what are those requests that thou vvilt hear hast thou not said what ever we ask in thy Sons name thou wilt hear vvhy in thy Sons name I desire to come for J have nothing else to plead there is nothing in me but for thy Sons sake the Son of thy bosome and love who died for poor sinners such as thy poor vvorm is for his sake and in his Name J come unto thee and thou hast said whatsoever we ask according to thy vvill thou wilt hear Novv Lord is not this agreeable to thy will to be conformed more to thee and have my vvill more subjected to thee and my affections more placed upon thee O then Lord seeing thou saiest What we ask believing we shall have it Lord increase my faith help me to wait upon thee believingly The eighteenth of this twelfth moneth having been these eight or nine days last past somewhat distempered in body which distemper prevailing more and
more upon me J thought J should hardly be able to wait upon the Lord in his administrations the next day desiring the Lord to direct me what to do and submit my will to his yet very early that morning J had many reasonings in my self what to do being loth to distrust the power of God that J had so often found eminently held out to me and yet unwilling to tempt the Lord to appear to me in any extraordinary way desiring much his direction at last the Lord was pleased to enable me to resolve to go notwithstanding I was exceeding ill of an extraordinary cold beseeching the Lord to appear to my soul and as he was pleased to give me that probability of the injoyment of him once more that it might be a blessed opportunity to my soul and that his mighty power and spirit might accompany every word and hint to my soul that it might be of spiritual advantage to me such as I might have cause to bless his name for and also to mould me into whatever truth hee should reveal to me that day And truly I desire to acknowledge that the nineteenth day of this twelfth moneth the Lord was pleased very gloriously to appear through his word administred by our deer Pastor both in the exposition of the end of the 14. of Matt. as also in both Sermons this day at which time he began to discourse upon the 45 Psalm but did only handle the Title of it this day from which the Lord was pleased to hint out very precious glorious useful yea seasonable instructions to my soul which I desire earnestly to beg of God to cast and mould my heart into yea such truths as proved an answer to several desires of my soul many dayes before and to the groanings of my soul before the Lord even continually almost to wit that the Lord would be pleased to gather my heart out of all things below Jesus Christ and give me to the end such a sight of my Lord Jesus Christ as might indeed take my heart from all other things now that at this time the Lord should thus seasonably cast his thoughts upon such a Scripture as this it did cause my soul to admire the riches of his grace and condiscention to such a worm yea whereas my spirit hath of late been greatly troubled about my foolish conversation being not such as may any way adorn the Gospel walking very unseemly in all my relations and very much offending therein vvith my tongue vvhich hath occasioned many a sad thought upon my heart and many a sigh and groan yea tears before the Lord to set a vvatch before my mouth and subdue this vvicked iniquity in me And now did the Lord this day lay open the spring the root the cause of it my eye was not as it ought upon my heart nor my heart as it ought to be upon Jesus Christ nor when it was upon him was it in a boyling frame for as by him hinted were the heart boyling hot about the Lord Jesus Christ the tongue could not issue out such vanities as it doth novv dear Lord let not these things be spread before me in vain I beseech thee but do thou by the mighty Power of thy spirit make them of singular use unto me The 11th of this first Month the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to beg of him to manifest himself in that Relation of an Husband to my soul more and more letting me to find and feel what it was experimentally to be imbraced by him and gathered up into more intimate communion with him and much more to this effect The next morning he caused my soul to breath out in this manner That though I was every vvay unfit for communion with him yet beseeching him to appear to my soul and a sight of himself would much rejoice my heart telling him that as he had often appeared gloriously in this kind so that he would please to let my soul find once again by experience his mighty power to break out through what ever instruments he shall please to make use of this day that I might through them have a glorious sight of himself In which the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down appearing graciously through Mr. Price who spake to us in his Name the 12. day of this first Month. Upon the 26. day of this first Month 1654. we went to James expecting to have heard Mr. Cradock but when we came there we heard there would be a stranger at which I was much troubled in my spirit and after some debate in my self I began to repine but expecting the Lord might have some seasonable Word for me and truly blessed be his Name there was many seasonable things hinted to my soul by him which both refreshed stayed my spirit The next day at night being the 27 of this first Month Amongst other things when I was seeking of the Lord he drew out my soul with some measure of sensibleness of his hand upon our Pastor vvhat a sad stroke it vvould be if the Lord should strip us of him taking him from us oh What vvould become of Gods glory how vvould his and our enemies insult over us though it is true vve have deserved it I am sure I have to be stripped of this mercy and scattered from each other because vve have been no more fruitful under all the mercies means and appearances of God through him and I begged to sanctifie his hand upon him both as to him and us teach us all to improve it and know his mind in it desiring the Lord vvithal that he vvould please to hasten and accomplish his Work through this dispensation and in his own time to command health and deliverance to us and give in this mercy as a pledge of his love amongst us that he might come again amongst us filled vvith the spirit and ready to break out those discoveries of God upon his heart and that vve also may be fitted for this mercy and made more ready to receive impression from God through him then formerly And for my own soul after many requests for the subduing of corruptions and regulating my affections and taking off my heart from all things here below and placing it upon the Lord Jesus after which and many other requests the Lord drew out my heart with desires that if the Lord saw it meet to add another night or another day to me that he would together with it give me a heart to serve him in it and that as he reneweth the light and raiseth from sleep so that he would inliven my heart in his waies and quicken up my soul to a more lively service of him and if the Lord see it meet to give me one opportunity more to hear his word that he would please to fit me for it and to come in through whatsoever instrument he shall please that my soul might have such a blessed sight of him
press very much upon me this day vvhich blessed counsell my desire and prayer vvas that the Lord vvould frame and mould me into gathering up my soul more into Jesus Christ and out of all other things vvhatsoever The 24. of this 7 Month being the Lords day I was in expectation to have heard Mr. Knight but when I came to Fulham there was a stranger and when I heard him to pray so strangely I was struck with an exceeding damp wishing my self somewhere else yet desiring to still my spirit and to wait upon the Lord who is able to hint out somewhat that might be of advantage to me he spake from Joh 5. 25. in which he shewed us that men might be alive naturally and yet dead spiritually and so pressed us to the tryal of our estates which I thought might be a call from God to check me for my neglect in this work and to put me upon that duty he tells us that God was the life of the soule as the soule was the life of the body and when God was departed from the soul it was dead and that which maketh God depart is sin proved from Isa 59. 2. In which Scripture me thought the Lord did secretly hint to my soul that my sin was the cause of all the withdrawings of the light of his face and manifestations of his gracious presence from me and of his seeming not to hear the desires and prayers offered up to him which discoverie I looked upon as an answer of my desires and prayers that day and as an appearance of his through his instruction this day The 25. of this 7. month The Lord in the morning drew out my heart to beg of him that he would please to be present that day being to go to my Aunt Doggets to guide and direct me in all my words and actions being some what distracted and disturbed in my own thoughts and mind and not so contentedly submitting to all the providences of God as I ought to do and after some discourse and hot dispute at dinner between Mr. Aldgate and my selfe at which time I dealt plainly with him according to my poor measure after which Mrs. Aldgate very unexpectedly from me and unusually from her was very earnest to have me go and read in a litle book of hers concerning content Marvelling in my mind at this strange and unusual thing in her looking upon it as some providence happily to me who had seen the book before but looked upon it in a slight cursory way and not with any valuation of it yet now I thought that happily the Lord might have some thing to speak to me out of it and so I took the book and went to reading therein for an hour or more and truly the Lord was pleased to lead me to most sensible and seasonable things to the frame of my wretched spirit by which it convinced me that I did not contentedly submit to his will in all conditions for if I did then there would be a silence in my spirit yea a joyful frame of spirit yea a continued giving thanks to him and many such like things by way of discovery together with many sensible directions and instructions which I desire to acknowledg as a mercy beging that the Lord would make these hints effectual to my soule The 27. of the 7. month expecting that our brother â—ental was to preach that day I had some discouragements whether to go or no but at last the Lord was pleased to give a turne to my spirit and upon one accompt or an other I at last resolved to go and see what the Lord would do for me there desiring to wait upon him and withal telling him in the morning that he had graciously appeared to my soul and given me eminent tokens of his appearance through weak instruments beseeching him to add one mercy more this day and give my soul a real visite from Heaven through whatever instrument he should please to use But oh my soul how graciously was the Lord pleased to bow down and condescend to ansvver those poor scattered desires and vouchsafe my soul a most fit and seasonable vvord this day by that our brother vvho spake from Matth. 6. Take no thought what you shall eat or drink or wherewith you shall be cloathed vvhence he shewed the Lord Jesus did greatly forbid all carking cares or solicitude of spirit about present enjoyments or future events together with many other seasonable instructions reprehensions and directions to wait upon the Lord and rest on him and cast all our burthens on him and the like most seasonable things to my wretched spirit The 28. of this 7. month being Thursday and Mr. Knights day to preach at the Abby I had strong desires to hear him and yet somewhat discouraged from some passages of providence fearing vvhether or no I vvent out of desire only to hear vvhich lay somevvhat heavy upon me and greatly oppressed my spirit causing it to breath out to the Lord after this manner That if he did see my heart not to be set aright to seek him and him only in this undertaking that he would please some way or other to hinder me or cause some special providence or other to instruct me and keep me from rushing on this undertaking on any self-ends or designs whatever beseeching him to guide me lead and instruct me this day and vouchsafe his glorious presence with my soul and the pouring out of his Spirit upon his servant that was to speak to us And truly I desire to acknowledge to the praise of God that he was pleased much to deaden my heart to the creature before I went out and to put it into a frame desirous to wait for any discovery from him when he pleaseth expecting all the way as we went whether the Lord would please to suffer us to go through yea or nay desiring not to murmure at him in it but to submit quietly to his will in what manner soever he should please to reveal it But being not by any providence prevented in the way we went where the Lord was pleased greatly to draw out Master Knights heart in prayer in such suteable things as if the Lord from heaven should say I know thy wants and weakness and will supply them Providence casting him upon the same thoughts spoken in the fifth Chapter of John and the five and twenty Verse the Lord again by it checking me for my neglect of examination of my spiritual life The End of the Second Book THE THIRD BOOK OF EXPERIENCES Which the Lord hath given my soul of the gracious answers and returns of Prayer c. These Records I desire to leave of Gods appearance to my soul from time to time which I trust if my wicked heart deceive me not was done upon this account that wherein I have failed in my life-time in declaring how good the Lord hath been to such a wretch as I am I might yet leave a good report
of God behinde me after my departure hence he having so often made it appear that hee is a God good unto the unthankeful disobedient and rebellious This begins with the 8 Month 1654. THe 27. of this month there being a great desire in severall of us to have some Church meeting set up amongst us which had been long delayed my mother and my self having often very much pressed it at last I even resolved to urge it no more imagining that the Lord had no purpose that it should be and rather fearing least there should be any by-ends in my own heart in this my desiring of it then did our brother Orpen and our brother Mâ—rly againe renew the motion and spake of it to us afterwards went from us to Mr Knight yet being still by one meanes or other kept off there fell much discouragement upon many of our hearts about it notwithstanding at last there was a day appointed to meet and to consult farther about the setling of it which meeting was also sadly frustrated by a mistake of the day and so no meeting but after some time there was another day appointed by joynt-consent to beginn the meeting yet somewhat discountenanced by one of our brethren saying it was vvinter time and many other imployments vvould not permitt them to enioy it yet there vvas a time set but the very day before Mr Knight told us that hee could not bee at the meeting the next day vvhich vvas an other sad discouragement hovvever they that were present agreed to meet to seek the Lord together whereupon the next morning being the day appointed for to meet I besought the Lord though with much weakness and in a poore scattered way that hee would please to go forth with us and provide some help for us earnestly desiring him to make good that blessed word of his that where two or three meet in his name that hee will be in the midst of them beging that this word might be made good to us this day that hee would put our hearts in frame to meet with him and be pleased to be present vvith us and also vvith those vvhom he should please to send amongst us that there might be no soul of us but might acknovvledge the Lords Presence amongst us and finde some blessed vvord hinted to their condition and in particular to my poore soul God setting it home with mighty povver upon my heart even so as that I might be moulded into it And hovv vvonderfully did the Lord even beyond expectation appeare this day in sending Mr Knight and our brother Morly neither of which were expected and putting into their mouthes a most suteable and seasonable word as also povvering out his spirit richly on them that spake in prayer to him wherein I saw a great answer to an other petition this morning which was that the Lord would please to help every one of them in speaking to him and from him which he was pleased richy and gloriously to doe in so much that Mr Knight seemed to be greatly affected with the presence of God and in the close did acknowledge it whereupon the meeting received great incouragement and was resolved to be kept up O my soul how did the Lord to thy short desires give in large answers together with seasonable refreshments to my poore drooping spirit from the words that our brother Morly spake out of the 40. psal But I am Poore and weake yet the Lord thinketh on me which poverty ariseth from the sence of sinn and corruption yet the Lord thinketh on me whereupon hee puts us upon this thought what if all other slight and disregard a poore soul if the Lord thinketh upon it is it not better to be in the thoughts of God then of the greatest in the world together with many other precious and seasonable hints to my soul The 8. of this 9. Month O my soul how unexpectedly vvas the Lord pleased to prevent thee vvith his loveing kindness and grace thou having been very ill all night with an extream cold not thinking I should be able to goe in the morning to Fulham yet at last overcome with desire to wait upon the Lord and cast and roul my self upon him and how gloriously did hee appeare to my soul and what a seasonable word was hinted out this day to mee by our deare brother the 25 of this Month at evening as also the 26. day in the morning being the Lords day finding my heart exceeding dead and dull and altogether unfit to meet the Lord as also greatly oppressed at the sight of the prevalencie of corruption and temptation over me almost continually which occasioned my soul to pour out its self greatly before the Lord in sundry various petitions relating to my present condition as also greatly begging his presence both in the preparing my heart to meet with him and in fitting some blessed word wherein he might meet my poor soul with many requests to this purpose too large to relate and both touching my own soul and also his servant that was to speak that day and behold how gloriously O my soul did the Lord appeare through his servant our dear pastor who spake from the 45. Psal thy Throne O God is for ever and ever the Scepter of thy Kingdome is a right Scepter where he shewed us that Christs Scepter by which he rules and orders all his affaires in the world and in his Church is a right Scepter and that all his administrations are managed by a right straight line for the Glory of his father and the good of his poor creatures and that how ever through the darkness of our hearts and our unpeliefe wee could not see the straightness of all Christs administrations yet that they are so hovvever for God the Father who best knows them saith so of them shewing us also that however Saints are apt to think that there is none in such a sad condition as they so tempted and so overcome by corruptions and vain thoughts and the like and if Christ did indeed raign in them and over them and his Scepter thus right why is it then thus with them in answer to which he shewed us that Christs Scepter was right still because his design was through all this to raise up his own and his fathers glory as his skill appears most that maketh a glorious piece out of a crooked thing so Christ hath some eminence of glory by working through all our afflictions and temptations to magnifie his grace and mercy towards such as we are yea to do us good through all now dear Father hath not thy rich grace shined gloriously in this condescention to such a poor worthless wretch as I am This day also did the Lord call us seeing his Throne and Kingdome is for ever and ever to look after everlasting things a secret check to my soul in it so eagerly persuing after fading dying things yea if Christs kingdome be everlasting so also are
and passeth judgement upon him and them Dying thou shalt dye temporally spiritually and eternally and there shall be enmity between thy seed and the womans that most of thy seed shall take in with Satan and perish eternally How many millions perish upon the account of that one sin So the Angels they fell presently and irrecoverably for that one sin of pride though such glorious creatures who could do more then thousands of men and might have been so useful to the Church being spiritual had they stood who could immediately comfort when no other creatures could yea could have fed Eli ahs and Daniels yet these for that sin perished eternally 2. It appears by the way he taketh to repel it sin having gotten the Throne and poor man brought into a perishing condition by it and not able to oppose it now Christ hates it so that the contest now comes between Christ and sin and he will dye to destroy it 3. It appears by the dreadfulness of the doom of those that are over-powered by sin who are judged to eternal fite without pitty or recovery Then he came to shew us how lovely Christ is to the Saints for hating iniquitie And O my soul with what mighty power and weight did this fall upon thy heart As 1. He shewed us That Christs loveliness in this attribute arose from the unanimity and one-ness of mind between Christ and a believer in this hatred of his for as Christ hateth the sin but loveth the believer so the believer hateth iniquitie but loveth Christ so that the love of both persons center in one and their hatred in one and their love meeteth in each others person and their hatred also and that Believers hate sin so that nothing can breed more love then this doth Christ saith I hate Iniquity oh therefore hate it more ye believers yea pursue the life of it and I appeal to the Lord if I do not hate it with a perfect hatred 2. Christ is lovelie for hating sin because this attribute setteth all his attributes on work against all the Enemies of a Believer the poor soul hateth sin but is not able to deal with it but Christ so hateth it that he is able to conquer it Oh what a blessed sight of Christ is this that though the poor soul be over-powered with sin daylie yet that Christ hateth it and is engaed aginst it as hating of him So that now either Chriist or it must perish Oh what a lovely sight is this because out of this hatred of Christ comes the ruine of the souls Enemies Sin and Satan which seek thy ruine daylie But blessed be God that Christ hateth them and will certainly ruine them either he or sin must cown Oh what comfort is this that we poor creatures have in Christ that when we come even to struggle with sin and Satan Christ like fire will consume and burn them yea as he shewed this hatred was an act of Christs will and if he hath not his Will where is his God-head Therefore the quarrel is between the Will of Christ and the Will of sin I will damn thee to Hell saith sin and Satan But I will kill thee O sin and Satan saith Christ so as the quarrel is not so much for Believers persons as for Christs Wil and Christ will certainly have his wil oh blessed word to my soul 3. Christ is lovely in this because the Saints see the glory of all Christs other excellencies through this the wicked see and fall at the dread of Christs hatred but see not the justness and righteousness of all Christs administrations as the Saints do they can see the justness and righteousness of Christ in damning of men to Hell for sin yea the Saints can behold Christs love to them in this hatred of sin This 10th of this Moneth being the same Lords day in the Evening while I was endeavouring to bless and praise the Name of this my glorious God for his eminent appearances this day which I desire never to forget it fell upon my heart amongst other things to tell the Lord That seeing he had cast such a hint upon my heart that the best thankfulness for mercy received is to gather in upon God for more mercy I did therefore desire That to all his abundant appearances to my soul this day he would please to adde this mercy which I desired to plead with him for this Evening That as he had gloriously unvailed through his Word the hatred of my Lord Jesus Christ against sin that he would now also shew its evil by experience that it might appear that really he doth hate sin yea every sin in my soul by his pursuing the life and drawing out the blood of it telling him withal That if any sin were the object of the hatred of my soul then needs must this corruption of mine in a special manner being so diametrically opposite to him as the setting up of any thing or creature in his Throne yea even at this present wherein he hath so gloriously appeared that the consolations of God were not small to my soul they coming with such mighty power praying him in a special manner to pursue the body of this corruption and let my soul find that really it is the object of the hatred of Jesus Christ and shall certainly be ruined by him Having got a great cold which did somewhat distemper me I was in a great question whether I should the twentieth of this tenth month go to the Ordinance or no at last I desired to give it up to the Lord bseeching him to direct me what to do desiring only to be led by him At last I resolved God willing to wait upon him this day at Fulham and as for the next day let the Lord do with me what he will whether to fit me to go or disable me having many fears upon my spirit concerning my going whether it were a right and pure aiming at God and seeking his presence yea or no being not able to satisfie my self in this question Thus I say desiring the Lords appearances to my soul and speaking some words to him for my spiritual advantage I went this day to Fulham where the Lord shewed me what a blessed thing it was to have a sight of God from those words in Matt. 13. Blessed are the eyes that see the things you see and the ears that hear the things you hear whence the Lord shewed me what an abundant cause I had to bless him for them those many sights he had given me of himself when he had left so many in the dark and never given them one glimpse of himself But being exceeding ill and weary this night I went to bed betimes waiting what the Lord would do with me and truly in the Morning I thought I found my self unfit to go forth considering also our meeting the next day which haply the Lord might make me more fit to enjoy yet I must needs say I really think the trouble that lay upon my spirit about the straightness of my ends in going did more discourage me then the unfitness of my body but what through the one and the other I durst not go forth this 21. day and so my Mother and Aunt Dogget onely went and I stayed at home but when I arose I found my self pretty well so as I begun to be somewhat troubled that I had stayed at home fearing that this may be only a subtile device of Satan to hinder me of this opportunity and so turning my self to the Lord I besought him that if it were he that had this day prevented me that he would please to make it up to my soul some other way by hinting out something by his Spirit to my heart that might be for my spiritual advantage and truly whiles I was endeavouring to press this upon the Lord immediately after there fell this apprehension upon my heart or rather the Lord was pleased to to drop it which was this Oh Lord how comes it to pass that my soul being so exceedingly taken with any spark of thy gloous Image in poor mortal creatures should at the present rebel and murmure at thy holy and blessed will which is part of thy essential glory if the sight of thy image be so pleasing to me why then is not the sight of thy will which is thy self much more glorious then the Rayes of thine that shine upon thy creatures why is not this as pleasing as delightful and contentful to me which hint I could not but look upon as a real answer of this desire the Lord make it of use to me I am sure it was such a confideration and meditation that if the Lord will but please to set it home with power may be of abundant advantage to my wicked spirit The Lord in mercy for Christs sake make it so The 22. of this tenth month being a day appointed for our Church-Meeting I earnestly besought the Lord That if he saw it meet to carry me forth this day he would also go along with me and vouchsafe his gracious presence to me in speaking some seasonable word to my poor soul that might appear even to come from himself begging also his presence in and through all these his instruments which he should please to make use of this day And O my soul how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear this day in chearing and refreshing thy poor drooping spirit even so as thou wert not able to continue thy selfe in this wonderful appearance of God casting them upon so suteable a word even to the estate of my poor soul at this present and that Scripture our brother Oâ—… began with and was after pursued sweetly by our dear pastor was the 73 â—sa The End of the Third Book FINIS
Christs heart and see with what bowels of affection he speaketh how freely himself offers the riches of mercy take why what or whom should we take but himself possess himself thus he standeth calling and crying take me love me receive me eat me drink me let me be yours oh high love he doth not bid the soul take wrath vengeance death or hell but take me Secondly his commands are more to pleasure you then himself why should we take Christ why this is my body that was broken for you my blood that was shed for you take me for your own sakes for you need me to refresh your hearts therefore take me not that I shall be the better by it but that you may have more pleasure and delight in me that may do you all good oh high love Thirdly observe Christ sees our need better then our selves there are bowels of compassion in him what for a man that enjoyeth much to look out for them that want much yet so it is here you have not the disciples crying oh Christ give us thy self and blood but here is a Christ who having it and knowing that we stand in need of it offers it freely take oh admirable love Fourthly observe he is not content till you be fully supplyed he setteth no bounds but take and eat as much as your hearts will hold take what who le me all of me my spirit blood mediation with the Father all my righteousness take all he stinteth no man but opens wide the treasure of his grace Fifthly observe hence Christ is well acquainted with the fears of his Saints hearts therefore saith he take imploing as if the trembling heart would say O Lord I dare not these things are too great and good I know thy fears saith Christ but I lay a law on thee that wil make thee give over all for this law comes with power take and eat he bids you take and that on pain of disobedience to Christ when Sathan and sinne and corruption say eat not then remember what Christ your Lord saith take and eat and hearken not unto the voyce of of a stranger if any say eat not Christ sayes eat though the fears are great and the tremblings many that are on a gracious heart yet still Christ biddeth them take and eat Sixthly Christ knew the Saints would tremble on the point of unworthiness therefore he saith take eat why what is it but my body that is broken for you will you throw away that which is for you but you are unworthy why this is that which maketh you worthy because this is that out of which issues out all righteousness to you and though they may cry out they were unfit he commands them to remember how fit Christ is for them for whom is bread fit but for them that are weak and need nourishment for whom is that wine but him that is of a sorrowful heart for whom is that act of Christ but for that soul that cries Lord I am unworthy thou shouldest come under my roofe Seventhly he saith take which is a giving a man a propriety and possession of himself and this is that indeed this ordinance gives forth when a man so taketh Christ as that Christ is his take eat this is my body that is broken for you shewing that the Saints ought in the communication of this divine mystery to take Christ wholly by this to claim propriety because nothing can be more ours then a thing that is given us and we sinne against him if we take him not O therefore take him as your own He saith not onely take but eat you take in order to eating so that your acceptation of Christ is that you might be satisfied with Christ and filled for he is not onely to gaze on as the brasen Serpent was but to feed on as the manna was therefore saith Christ take and eat rendring himself in the most easie way of administration nothing under heaven a man is more easily drawn to then to eat a hungry man need not be much perswaded to eat yet behold here First That you had need to be intreated to eat and feed on Christ else what need this word but to note that the Saints were apt to stand still when they should be feeding on Christ therefore saith he take and eat Secondly This is of all other the most easie way of partaking being a natural act for that a man eateth putteth him to no pain yea the pain within is supplyed the hunger satisfied Thirdly He setteth no bounds but take and eat it is a command that lyeth on us for the supply of wants and the cheering of our hearts for so farre we may eat and no further Christ bids you take what you need implying 1. That there is enough in Christ for any Saint to eat else it would not become Christ to bid them but he saith take and eat implying that no Saint can say Lord I have a desire to eat but here is not enough they cannot say I have sinnes and guilt but can find no pardon no Christ bids you eat implying there is enough to feed on 2. He setteth you no time neither but eat as long as you live yea untill his coming again O how abundantly did those hints take upon my heart and even swallow up my soul in the admiration of that love the Lord grant it may abide upon my spirit for ever March the 30 the Lord was pleased in some measure to give in an answer to that desire put up March 25. for the pouring out of his spirit upon the brethren through whom the Lord was pleased to appear lively in my apprehension and in a spiritual manner in him whose spirit seemed to melt under the thoughts of the weight of that exercise March the 30 the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart in the behalfe of my Mother whom I apprehended to ly under some sadness in respect of the want of the clear sight of her interest in God beseeching him that he would be pleased to wean her more from the world and all things here below and that he would be pleased to manifest himself to her and let down the light of his countenance upon her and shew her his face and not his back that as he had been pleased to shine upon my poor heart and the hearts of others of his Saints through prayer so that he would also be pleased at this time to let this request come up in remembrance before him and give in a gracious answer to it as also that he would be pleased to pour out his spirit upon her and let it be a spirit of grace and supplication in the sense of the want of which her spirit groaned for before him as also under the sight of her unprofitableness under all ordinances beseeching him that as it was he and he alone that causeth his people to profit so that he would please to give out to this his