scould not say God was mine or had discovered him self to me in pardoning my sins yet this I had often thoughts of that I would throw my self upon Christ and if I perished I perished and since I bless God I have found some satisfaction in several places of Scripture As First In Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest And feeling such a burthen then upon my Soul I relyed upon that true rest Another is in 1 John 2.2 And he is the reconciliation for our sins and not for ours only but for the sins of the whole World I being one in the World I applyed this to my self and in 1 John 114. The Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the World Another place of Scripture is John 3.17 For God sent not his Son into the World to condemn the World but that the World through him might be saved And in verse 35. He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life Upon this account I said I believe Lord help my unbelief And in the sixth Chapter of John and 67 and 68 verses Jesus said unto his Disciples Will ye go from me also Peter said unto him Lord whither shall we go for thou hast the words of eternal life So that I will now wait upon the Lord for a further manifestation of himself unto my Soul in the use of his Ordinances although I have not in times past been fed with the Childrens bread yet now I do believe I shall not be denyed those crums of Spiritual comforts to nourish and refresh my wearyed Spirit for God saith Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no money come ye buy and eat yea come buy Wine and Milk without money and without price And I praise God I have found of late a very great manifestation of Gods working a change upon my heart and drawing me by true faith to himself 1. About a quarter of a year since I heard Mr. B. on the luke-warmness of the Church of Laodicea shewing that the Lord would refuse none that come to him in humbleness of Spirit and sincerity of heart then I thought surely I might make use of these full promises made to those that come to him and it put me to search the Scriptures which I did and found a greater influence upon my spirit in the understanding of the Word than before 2. I am in all things that I do fearfull of offending God and my desire is to do all things to his glory 3. My love to God is so hearty that I delight to be meditating of God and to have communion with him and could wish that I might be wholly if it were possible with God and my heart is never so at rest as when I am reading of his Truths and hearing others speak of them 4. I am so little affected to the World that I account it nothing I can willingly leave all for God and I hope suffer any thing for God if he should please to call me to it so far as I can judge of my own heart but herein trusting in the power of Christ 5. Sin is loathsom to me so that the affections that I did bear to some evils are gone and I now loath them more than before I loved them 6. I have many consticts between the flesh and the spirit but I find in those strivings my heart most cleaving to follow the mind of God knowing that if I give way to sin Satan enters and with all my Soul I desire and delight to follow the leadings of Gods Spirit 7. In all things the resolutions of my heart are for doing those things that may please God and that without delay being fearful to offend God which through infirmity I do I have great trouble in spirit for it and my resolutions are always against every thing that may hinder my peace with God 8. I find in my heart so great a peace between God and my Conscience that should God now call me I shall be very well contented to go to my Saviour 9. I do not doubt of Gods love to me because he hath drawn forth my heart sincerely to love him 10. My love hath been always from a Child to the people of God and my heart hath been ever troubled when I have heard them evil spoken of 11. My affections are great to the Ordinances and my heart longeth after them and when at any time I come with a cold heart to Duties yet my heart is frequently warmed and inlarged in those duties E. C. XVIII Experiences of D. M. SOme years since through many crosses increasing upon me like an armed man I slew unto God to seek his mind by prayer and he discovered to me that it was for my sins which were then set before me which caused in to feel the hand of God by afflictions upon me that sin was the cause of my sufferings which lay very heavy upon me and terrified me so that I thought I had been in the way to damnation And that if it had been in the way to Salvation every affliction would not come so upon me greater than I thought I could be able to bear In particular the Lord discovered to me that I had too much loved my Husband in making an Idol of him and therefore he justly became a great terror to my spirit for he grew an enemy to goodness and so an hindrance to me in coming to Christ And while I thus doted on him he went away from me I feared through the sense of that and other sins together with the aggravations of my afflictions that God did not love me Yet it struck into my heart that God did not strike willingly and therefore I endeavoured to see what was the mind of God in it who had taken away my Husband Goods and all from me namely that he had done it that I should not hang upon husks but should love him And I found that I had loved the world too much and set my heart too much upon these Creature-comforts and therefore the Lord took them away from me This wrought upon me great troubles and despair so that I cryed till I was almost blind And I had great feâ—… and trembling upon me that I could not pray not hear with profit but thought it was in vain for me to pray whom God loved not and whom I had so offended About a quarter of a year after I had a temptation by Satan to drown my self in a Pond near Leeds in York-shire weither the Devil led me telling me that I might do it there it being a private place where no body could see me and I came to the Pond side but by the providence of God having a great love to a young Infant I had I took that Child in my Arms and when I came to the place I looked upon the Child and considered with my self what shall
〈◊〉 destroy my self and my poor Child and cryed out unto God Lord what wilt thou have me to do and had a fore conflict at that time with the Devil but me thought at last I heard the Lord say to my Soul as he did to Paul Trust in me my grace is sufficient for thee And then I found some comfort which inlarged my heart through the assistance of Gods Spirit to call upon the name of the Lord for further assistance and comfort and so I went back again with much joy believing that I should have the favour of God And the Lord put it into my mind to go to one E. B. that dwelt by a Moor side near Leeds whom I knew was a godly Woman and she opened to me the troubles of David and Job and gave me sweet comfort saying God was by me and I did not see him and as Job wished so she wrought upon my heart to wish O that I could see him O that I could behold him and my heart was full of joy and I cryed and was much grieved with very great repentance that I had been so seduced and did so despair of Gods mercies and had been so blinded And the Lord set it upon my spirit that though I had laid all aside yet now I should come out of the Wilderness leaning on my Beloved and I had a greater affection to the ways of God than ever and delighted in them more than ever Before they were a burthen to me now they were easie and sweet Being at York I heard a Minister there out of Hosea 2. preach that which wrought much comfort in me and that Christ had promised to betroth himself to every Believer And then and since I have much joy in the promises of God and can through the Spirit of God which I find and feel in my heart lay hold by faith on them as my particular interest As Rom. 10.4 Christ is the end of the Law for righteousness to every one that believeth Christ by hs Spirit hath wrought belief in me both in his promises and threatnings and to live according to his Word therefore I conclude that I shall be saved by the righteousness of my Saviour Rom. 9.4 Who are Israelites to whom pertaineth the adoption and the glory and the covenants and the giving of the Law and the service of God and the promises I know that every Believer is a true Israelite and brought under the Covenant of grace by Jesus Christ and that therefore the promises of grace and salvation belong to me Rom. 3.21,22 But now the righteousness of God without the Law is manifested being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets even the Righteousness of God which is by Faith of Jesus unto all and upon all them that believe for there is no difference I being one whom God hath drawn to believe it is manifested unto me that I have an interest in the Righteousness of Jesus Christ to justifie me before God by his merits which are made mine by faith Hosea 2.19,20 I will betroth thee unto me for ever yea I will betreth thee unto me in righteousness and in judgment and in loving kindness and in mercies I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness and thou shalt know the Lord. I find great comfort from this promise in that the Lord doubles and trebles his Promises and enlargeth himself so freely to the Soul And as testimonies of my real conversion to God and union with Jesus Christ and that reconciliaon is made between God and my Soul I find these real evidences wrought by Gods blessed Spirit in me 1. I find in my heart great love to God that when God saith Seek my face my heart rejoyns again saying thy face Lord will I seek And I find nothing so dear to me as the love of God and if my heart deceive me not I could bear and suffer any thing to bring glory to God accounting all things but dung and dross below Christ 2. When any thing of the flesh ariseth against the motions of Gods Spirit to draw me from good or to do evil I find frequently the power of the Spirit to subdue my heart not to submit to the flesh but to walk in his way and yet I am so sensible of my infirmities that all that I do or can do is nothing but as filthy rags but I know Jesus Christ is my Saviour and stands engaged for me and when the flesh is weakest I find the Spirit thirsteth after God 3. I find in my heart a very great thirsting after the Ordinances and a great enlargment of heart and comfort in them my heart being delighted to be among the people of God and full of joy in them 4. When thoughts of want at any time arise I find full satisfaction in the better part which never can be taken from me which is my interest in Jesus Christ And I find in my Conscience a great testimony of my Spiritual union with God and that I am so separated from the world in my affections that God hath drawn me to himself 5. God who searcheth the heart knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit because he maketh intercession for the Saints according to the will of God which will of God I find a free submission to in my heart with joy knowing that all things shall work together for good to them that love God 6. It is the chiefest desire of my heart that God would keep me close to my duty and I have abundance of joy in communion with the Lord which is more sweet to me than my joy in any thing else 7. I delight much to speak of God and of his ways and to use what means I can to comfort the Saints whom I love dearly and if possible to convert sinners D. M. XIX Experiences of AE L. I Had lately great grief upon my spirit about a Daughter which was brought to great sufferings and by reason of her going away in her affliction I thought she had made away her self God put it into my thoughts to remember my sins and that he had laid this affliction upon me for neglecting my duty to him and not serving him as I ought This caused great sorrow in me and made me abundantly shed tears my sins I thought were the occasion that the Lord made her so great a cross to me for which I had deserved it so that both became a great grief to my Soul and thus I lay languishing in very great sorrow Then I began to think with my self that there is no refuge but only in Christ and I consulted my thoughts how to go to good company and meetings where I might find comfort from the people of God And about two years since one morning I came to Mr. S. to joyn with godly people that came thither to prayer though with a great deal of distraction in my mind and I shewed my discontents and condition to him and he told me that if
I had but a mind to seek God and to repent he was gracious and would receive me to mercy The thing that I did earnestly beg of God was to know Christ crucified for me and he told me that indeed was best of all And after some good inâ—…tructions from him and others I was much delighted to frequent the meetings of Gods Servants and good Sermons and I found many good operations upon my heart After very strong conflicts which I had thus for about three quarters of a year lying in my bed waking all the night and calling upon God to direct me to ask at his hands those things which might be for his glory and my comfort and begging that he would give me a setled heart that might not be distracted with the things of the World In the morning I fell into a slumber with God still in my thoughts in which I heard as it were a voice from Heaven speaking to my heart and saying thus Ask of God a persect upright heart to walk in his presence which when I was fully awake I took to be the motion of Gods Spirit upon my Conscience which did fill me with much joy provoking me to pray to the Lord to grant me that grace And about two years since the Lord gave me a sense of my sins in a greater measure than before and my repentance was more spiritual and my hatred of sin more real And I found a sore combate betwixt the flesh and the spirit being more senfible how I had strayed from the rule of the Gospel and did yet come short of my duty therein and it was a great grief to my heart that I could not live according to that which God had revealed of his will to me Whilst I was thus troubled in spirit I heard some things in several Sermons preached by Master B. touching the sins of our natural corruptions and what holiness God repuires of us And I heard Mr. C. shew that we should strive to enter in at the narrow gate which wrought in my heart a very great sense of my sins In these conflicts I met with many discouragements and Satan tempted me to despair but the Lord sustained me I considered that as a sinner I deserved nothing but Damnation but my comfort was in Christ and my grief was interlaced with comforts Sometimes I was in sorrow two or three days and then again found comfort and often prayed unto the Lord to lay no more weight upon me then he would give me strength to bear and I found the Lord to be my shield and buckler and remembred many promises from the Lord in which to this day I bless God I have and still do find much comfort As Psal 34.19 Many are the afflictions of the Righteous but the Lord delivereth him out of them all I have had many afflictions for my sins but none but Christs righteousness is my comfort in whom I trust for deliverance Ezekiel 33.11 As I live saith the Lord God I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his evil way and live turn ye turn ye from your evil ways for why will ye dye O ye house of Israel Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Ezekiel 18.30 Repent and turn your selves from all your transgnessions so iniquity shall not be your ruine Isaiah 43.25 I even I am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for my own sake and will not remember thy sins These and divers other promises I praise God I have had comfort from and as the fruits of my faith and my love to God I have these Evidences wrought by his Spirit through faith in my heart as a further manifestation of my interest in Christ 1. I believe in the Promises of the free mercies of God in the merits of Christ and can apply them with comfort to my own Soul as mine by faith 2. My heart and my mind affects God above all the pleasures and joys in the World and when I think of the things of the World in relation to God I think that without God all is but vain and vanity 3. When I think of my crosses and afflictions in the World then I lift up my heart to God in Christ and can say Having thee I have all things if I have Christ I have enough 4. My heart rejoyces in duties and my Soul doth more rejoyce in hearing the Word than in worldly pleasures 5. I have the peace of God upon my conscience which is more to me than all things in the world and makes me set the world at naught and it is my prayer that I may never be without that peace of God whatever befalls me 6. The Lord hath given me a contented mind in what condition soever he brings me to and his Spirit worketh upon my heart that I do not repine against his will E. L. XX. Experiences of J. B. SOme time agoe a Child of mine about six years of age when I have bid him go forth to play he hath come in again very solitary because other Children would swear and be rude I would ask him Robert what aileth you why do you not go to play he would answer That he had no fellows to play withal but such as would swear and the like and they cannot be said he Gods children I would say why not Child then he would say No Mother though I am but a little way in my Book yet I have learnt that God will not pardon such sins as swearing I have sometimes said Yes Child I hope God will pardon them else God help thy Father and God help us all Then he hath replyed Mother with great repentance God can forgive for his mercies are great but good Mother let us forbear that which is evil And many times I had such conference with that Child that seeing me troubled about it he hath said Good Mother be content their Parents are such and they must needs learn after them I thought upon my Childs words and having before often offended God on the Lords Days and the thoughts of other failings in my conversation it wrought great trouble upon my heart so that I was much afflicted in Soul considering that my Child so young should give me such instructions which hath proved a blessing to bring me home to him I did then make some doubt whether God would forgive me those sins and about that time hearing Dr. Vsher preach several Sermons and particularly upon that Text That we are but sojourners and travellers here and shewing that we are not at home therefore we must keep on in the streight way to Heaven and take heed of the broad way which leadeth to Hell this and other means since did throw me down low ander the sense of sin yet not without sometimes some refreshments And from a Sermon preached by Dr. Vsher That the Lord is the shield and defence of
those that trust in him I had some comfortable hopes in the Lords mercies but I found many doubtings still yet about seven years slince Master Tompson made a Sermon at Liverpoole then besieged shewing That we must lay hold on the Lord and hold fast and be will lead us through all Troubles and soon after it was lost and many were killed but I bless God I had no hart at all which did much comfort me that the Lord of his mercy had delivered me I did and still do hope that the Lord had a mind to save me and to draw me nearer to himself which together with some other deliverances of the Lords great mercy I took great comfort in so that when I had scarce bread and water and I have been streightned since yet I found still comfort from the Lord for iny self and to be an instrument to help others who were prisoners And the Lord then and since hath by his Spirit comforted me with several Promises which I praise God I can apply to my self by which I have a testimony of my true belief some of which are these which follow Gen. 15.1 The Word of the Lord came unto Abraham in a vision saying Fear not Abraham I am thy shield and thy exceeding great reward I had found the Lord to be my shield in those many deliverances he had wrought for me and had taken away that distrustful fear which before was upon me and therefore I was and still am confident he will be my exceeding great reward Psal 119.57 Thou art my portion O Lord I have said that I would keep thy words The same God wrought in my heart to say with David that I would keep thy Word O Lord and tho I cannot as I should yet my desire is to keep it my mind is to keep it therefore I presume with David to say Thou art my portion O Lord. John 15.5 Christ saith I am the Vine ye are the Branches he that abideth in me and I in him the samâ— bringeth forth much fruit for without me ye can do nothing I know my self to be nothing without Christ and though I have infirmities yet my heart abides in Christ And therefore I hope to find righteousness and salvation not in my self but in Christ desiring also that I may bring forth fruit as a branch in him Rom. 8.1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus who walk not after the flesh but after the spirit I find my self to be one of those who walk in my heart in the ways of God to which I am led by his Spirit and not after the flesh and though I cannot serve God so well as I would I do as well as I can and am troubled in my spirit for my failings and therefore I believe I shall never be condemned And I have these testimonies of my conversion and sincere love to God as the fruits of my faith 1. The Lord hath by his Spirit manifested to my Soul that the Wisdom of the Spirit is life and peace and hath wrought that peace in my heart that I do not desire any way to break from it for any other enjoyments whatsoever 2. This I desire to be built upon that I may find Christ to be my life and peace 3. I find that the Lord hath greatly wrought upon me and my mind is fully affected with the Lord out of whom I do not care for any thing that is in the World 4. My desire is wholly to serve God and leave all things in the World as vain trifles for the enjoyment of him 5. My love is so much to God in Christ that having him I know I have all things and without him I have nothing 6. I find that I have great comfort and am much refreshed by Ordinances a sense of the Spirit is frequently brought upon my heart and I have received a great deal of comfort therein when I have been weak and it hath been a refreshing to me when food hath been scant And particularly from several Serinons preached by Mr. Whitaker Mr. Marshal Mr. Carter and others as also Mr. P. Dr. Homes Mr. W. and at other meetings of godly people 7. I find that the comfort of the Ordinances are more sweet to me than all the pleasures riches or friends in the world for they are contenting comforts and so are not worldly things 8. I could find in my heart willingly to dye and leave Children Brothers Sisters and all the World besides to go to my Christ J. B. XXI Experiences of A. J. WHen it pleased God to call my Husband from me I was for a time aâ— exceedingly cast down and troubled as I think any poor creature could be in which I was so overwhelmed that I did not know which way to turn my self nor what to do yet was seeking the Lord to find out what was his mind in the thing I had lost a good estate had no body to look after my business had many injured me and had lost above the rest a pious Husband whom I intirely loved yet the Lord put it into my heart that all this was to wean me from my sins and too much doting upon an Husband and other worldly enjoyments which my heart was too much taken up with therefore the Lord was pleased to strip me of them in a great measure to bring me nearer to himself I went to divers places to hear several Ministers and by waiting upon the Ordinances to seek after the Lord if possible I might find comfort and satisfaction to my Soul herein but continued in much affliction upon my spirit for near a years time at last I heard Master Jenkins preaching out of the 21. Chapter of John the 18. and 19. verses Verily Verily I say unto thee when thou wast young thou girdedst thy self and walkedst whether thou wouldest but when thou shalt be old thou shalt stretch forth thy hands and another shall gird thee and carry thee whither thou wouldest not This spake be signifying by what death he should glorifie God The consideration of which dispensation from God to him drew forth my heart to be contented with whatsoever the Lord should be pleased to lay upon me And I was satisfied to suffer or bear any thing in that it was the Lords will to glorifie himself by such dispensations towards the Saints And the Lord hath since made me as he did David to be contented as well with his Rod as with his staff and then and since I praise the Lord I can say with David It was well for me that I was afflicted I was comforted with that example of â—he woman in the Gospel to whom it was said by Christ that it is not lawful to take the childrens bread and cast it to dogs in that I could say with her Truth Lord has the dogs may lick the crums that fall from their Masters Table I remembred Gods dispensations towards Job and David and resolved with
those many actual sins which I have personally committed but I am justified by Christ 14. I desire to shew my dutiful love in obedience to my Fathers commands and my affections according to the rule of the Gospel to Christ my Husband with whom I am spiritually marryed 15. The Lord saith Come out from amongst them all ye my people and be ye separated and touch no unclean thing and I will be your God and ye shall be my people And if I regard iniquity in my heart the Lord will not hear my prayers I take God to witness who knows the secrets of all hearts that I desire to joyn in duties not to the end that others should have a good opinion of me I know I must leave all worldly relations how soon I know not but herein I shall have peace that I do as my Father hath commanded me and I rejoyce in Christ Jesus putting no confidence in the flesh but only in the merits of my Saviour M. M. XXVI Experiences of H. W. WHen my God appeared through his grace to shine by his sacred Spirit into my dark Soul my thoughts were much taken up in consideration of my sad and deplorable condition under the curse by nature yet so that I did withal see enough in Christ to deliver me from all if I did attain to a true belief But my perplexed Soul drank deep of the bitter dreggs of a sorrowful cup before I could tast of the sweet cordials my blessed Saviour had prepared for me wherewith I have since been often refreshed My conscience told me that if I ever expected deliverance from sin death and hell and to have favour with God I must devote my heart to him alone But yet I found the love of some worldly vanities rooted so fast in my affections that I did often put God off and had an eye to some worldly contents which deprived me for that time of enjoying peace in his presence I often said Lord such a day I will leave all and never seek my self but thy glory in all things and then again Lord after such a merry meeting then I will shake hands with all temporal delights and again now Lord once more I will have but one day of pleasure and then I will part with all that offends thee and not seek after any thing out of thee more But for a time all this proved but unfaithfulness to my Saviour and wounds to my own Spirit the sense whereof did sadly terrifie my conscience My Soul was much cast down and I sat up a great part of many nights when all the Family where I then lived was in bed and with an heavy heart and floods of tears gushing from my sorrowful eyes I was exceedingly disquieted pouring forth mine heart to my God and begging mercy at the footstool of the Throne of grace And that which was the greatest horror upon my Spirit was that I could not manifest my believing by a pious spiritual conversation in a faithful obedience according to the sacred rule of the Gospel When I have had resolutions for worldly pleasures to satisfie the desires of nature it hath taken away the comfort of my heart from spiritual duties in the interim But I found in my Soul a great conffict in wrastling against those sad temptations my conscience convincing me how great an enemy I was to my Soul therein and testifying that it would be infinitely better to leave all the vain things of the world than to live without the love of my Saviour But when my God was pleased to bring my heart to a frame to resolve seriously never to delay with God a moment more my heart was so fixed on my Saviour that I saw a sufficiency in him under any dispensation I tasted a greater sweetness in the graces of his Spirit than in any temporal pleasure And I found much of the love grace spirit and power of my dear Saviour appearing to refresh my troubled Soul And I have found much comfort from divers promises of the Lord and particularly Isa 49.8,8 I will preserve thee and give thee for a Covenant of the people to establish the earth and to cause to inherit the desolate heritages That thou mayest say to the Prisoners go forth to them that are in darkness shew your selves Though I was before a Prisoner to worldly vanities and shut up in darkness yet Christ being sent to declare the Covenant to such I found good warrant to apply it to my self Ezek. 34.22 Therefore will I save my flock and they shall be no more a prey Tâ—… Salvation I applyed as promised to me considering that though I was a sinful man yet it was my comfort that the Lord was my God vers 31. And ye my flock the flock of my pasture are men and I am your God Mat. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled God having given me an heart to hunger and thirst after my Saviour and my God above all things I believe this promise was made to me with many more which gave much sweet comfort and consolation to my Soul And being justified by faith I have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ the testimony of which faith is sealed to my Soul by his blessed Spirit in these Demonstrations 1. I find many evident testimonies of the love of God to me which hath drawn forth my Soul to an high esteem of him and to love him above all things 2. I see nothing but sin in my self and my trust is in my Saviours merits for justification 3. I feel glorious refreshments from the heavenly gales of Gods blessed Spirit breathing his grace into my Soul which is the highest bliss I can desire on this side Heaven 4. I find much comfort from the Word and Ordinances 5. My chief desire in all things is to glorifie God 6. I find a very great affection in my heart to the people of God or any that I judge so to be 7. I desire to be at peace with and do all the good I can to all especially those of the houshold of Faith 8. I can heartily beg of the Lord to give me deliverance from and strength against every sin though never so pleasing to my nature or which I am most prone to 9. I find no such full joy in any thing as I do in communion with my God 10. I see a purity and glory in the ways of God and Gospel-duties above all things 11. I desire no longer to live than to glorifie God 12. All the days of my appointed time I wait till my change shall come H. W. XXVII Experiences of D. R. IT hath pleased the Lord ever since I knew a difference between good and evil to give me a heart to seek after those things which savoured most of God And it was my delight always to frequent the society of those whom I thought were truly godly And upon this account I thought
my self to be something when being seriously weighed I became nothing for I knew God but as a natural man doth even by way of discourse I being as I conceive since much in the posture of the proud Pharisee I could say I thank God I was not such a person as was given to lewdness or vice as others were And being thus in my natural condition I thought I had need of nothing when I was as the Church of the Laodiceans wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked and that which was worst I knew not that I was thus in ignorance walking in darkness till the Lord brought me forth into the light First By convincing me of sin Secondly Convincing me of righteousness The first was according to my remembrance about seven or eight years since I being in discourse with a friend concerning something which did much displease me wherein my answering was very cross and my words very full of anger I began to espy my self full of malice and envy which did much reflect upon my own heart and caused a wonderful grief unto me and having never taken notice of any such thing before it was so much the more strange to me but calling my self to a strict examination what foundation I had laid when the Building began to prove so rotten it pleased the Lord that thereby I grew more and more sensible of my own miserable condition as being in the state of nature a child of wrath finding my self a lump of sin and uncleanness and at a far distance from the ways of God and to be in probability of nothing so much as of damnation and ready to be cast into Hell for my sins finding my self out of Christ and not any hope that I should ever gain an interest in him for I saw that without Faith it was impossible to please him and that without Faith I could not think of any way to please him being lost in false ways of my own invention And considering also that Paul counsels the Corinthians to examine them selves whether they were in the faith and saith he Know ye not your own selves whether Jesus Christ is in you except ye be Reprobates and following this course I could not otherwise judge but that I was a Reprobate and this condition was very burthensom unto my spirit and neither in hearing or reading could I for the time find any ease of this my trouble but still I did apprehend the Lord as an angry Judge requiring satisfaction of me for my sins Thus I languished not knowing which way to steer my thoughts but oftentimes crying out to the throne of grace what shall I do to be saved Sometimes I should perswade my self it was altogether impossible for me to think of being saved or ever to gain so much faith as to believe that Christ dyed for my sins for I thought it would be a very great presumption in me to attempt any such thing having often had thoughts of destroying my self It is my desire that I may never forget the providence of God in keeping me from all dangers in this my extream doubtful condition wherein I made not any one acquainted with my trouble but the Lord whose work it was to deliver me In this my spiritual Londage when I have heard godly men incouraging poor Souls to believe in Christ I have thought that others might but I durst not presume because I was no better qualified for if I could find my self more holy or more godly or fuller of goodness then there would be some hope that I might believe and hope for the favour of God and that Christ dyed for me But afterwards God put into my heart to consider that seeing By the deeds of the Law no flesh can be justified for I thought before I must have done something that should have proved meritorious and beginning to be acquainted with an emptiness in my self and an inability of my own to do any good and find that it must be given me from the Lord Christ being all in all to the Saints Upon this consideration I cast my self upon God saying Lord I am thy workmanship do with me what seemeth good unto thee If thou dost damn me I have deserved the severest of thy judgments thou art just although I am for ever justly miserable And one day reading of Mr. Perkins his Book treating of the smallest degree of saving-faith which did express that a desire to believe was faith it self I was something comforted to hear of this knowing that none could more desire it than I did and upon this a while I rested satisfied But not long after I found it a reed whereon I had leaned and grew again very restless and was beat off from this stay by having the opportunity of another Book which made me to understand that the poor man knew full well that a desire to be rich and to be rich indeed were two several things And so a desire to believe and faith it self was not the same For as all that desire to be rich are not rich so all that desire to believe do not believe Being thus drove from my other principle I began to see a more emptiness in the creature and a greater fulness in the Creatour And this last book by the blessing of God through his grace did inform my judgment in many things which were very comfortable to me As that the love of God was the cause Christ was given for sinners and that he became a full satisfaction to God for sins and if we staid from Christ till we were full of good works it might be a symptom we should never believe For it shewed that we must be ingrafted into Christ by faith before we could bring forth good fruits for without me ye can do nothing saith Christ And whatsoever is not of faith is sin These and many such like expressions in the Scripture which God put into my mind were very comfortable to the refreshing of my dull and weary spirit many times but yet fears in intervals possessed me as not finding Christ to be made mine by Faith For I could not say in particular that God was my God nor see that there was a reconcilement made between God and my Soul Sometimes I would perswade my heart to venture to believe in Christ for the pardon of my sins But presently objections would thwart my resolutions by concluding that I was too great a sinner And it was not absolutely said that Christ dyed for me In this condition I was for about four years before I did thoroughly apprehend the love of God in Christ Jesus unto me Yet the Lord was pleased at last to work effectually upon me by many sweet promises out of his Word which did wonderfully rejoyce my Soul As John 13.15,16 Whosoever believeth in the Son shall not perish but have everlasting life This very word whosoever did work so kindly and with such a sweet efficacy upon my heart that I was constrained
midst of my dishress to bring to my mind these words The Spirit saith come and the Bride saith come and every one that will come drink of the water of life freely I said of my self I cannot come But I prayed Lord draw me and I shall run after thee And this word was cast into my Soul by the Lord My grace is sufficient for thee only do thou believe And God hath now wrought faith in me and by the testimony of his Spirit hath sealed his love in Christ to me working in my heart so to love him that I have cast my self wholly upon him H. C. XXXI Experiences of T. R. Mariner AT the Age of two and twenty being in the Streights I was taken by the merciless Turks but the power of the Lord delivered me out of captivity by a miraculous way unexpected The Lord giving me grace to call on him gave me a gracious answer That he would never leave me nor forsake me In the War with France on the Coast of Guinea I was taken by a French Man of War and was greatly afflicted for want of food and raiment and other hardships which they laid on me to have turned to their Catholick Religion yet the Lord still promised me that he would give me a deliverance out of their merciless hands who made good his promise to me in a short time blessed be his holy name After this I went a Voyage to Brasile and our Ship being laden we did intend for Portugal but they detained us a whole year so that our Ship was all eaten with worms and we were fain to keep pumping for nine months but the longer the worse for in our passage homeward we could not tell which death to chuse either to starve or to be drowned for our Victuals was so small that for one year and more we had no bread in our Ship but eat the roots of Trees made into a substance like Oatmeal and for Beef one ounce for a man a day which stunk so that none could have eat it but men in our case for Drink we were glad of a pint of water a day during the time of our passage which was seventeen weeks but in this passage we saw the wonderful works of God for he sent us for three weeks in seasonable times fish called Dolphins sometimes two or three in a day And as we grew within three hundred Leagues of the Coast of Portugal and our Provision near spent only three or four days left and all our men sick and weak and almost starved it pleased God of his great mercy to send us a Ship of Flushing a Man of War who proved to us as Joseph to the children of Israel for they brought us Victuals which saved our lives and after they had taken our Ship they were fain to put on board forty men to keep her from sinking for it pleased God that the next day after we had a violent Storm and a great Sea broke upon her so that we thought she would never have recovered her self again for our goods did shut all to one side and so she was sain to go untill she came to Flushing but we poor creatures were in great peril and danger of our Lives and yet the Lord comforted me by his Promise That he would bring me to shore and would deliver my life from death and my eyes from tears and he hath done graciously with me above my deserts and inabled me above my strength and delivered me above my hope therefore will I praise him without measure and magnifie his name without end Three years after this being on the Coast of Ireland it pleased the Lord to raise a violent Storm and in the morning by the dawning of the day we were so near the Shore that to mans judgment there was nothing but death approaching for we knew no place of that Land by reason of the Fogg and Rain that we had all the day and knew not where to go but as the Lord who is the Pilot of Pilots did carry us untill four a clock at Night which in December is dark and then we came to a great high head-land and a little without that lay a great sand so that we could not go any other way but betwixt them being then past all hopes of life we forced her through the Sea so that it brake over our heads insomuch that we could not tell whether we were in the Sea or the Bark but by our feet and hands for we could not see for the violence of the water only he that was at the Helm And yet in the space of a quarter of an hour we were in a safe place newly taken out of the jaws of death So that I of all men have great cause to be always rendring thanks to my God for his continual and most sweet favours unto me sinful wretched and empty man void of all spiritual goodness Furthermore I being after this in a Ship of 300 Tuns lying on the Coast of Virginia wind-bound the space of seven weeks it pleased God to visit our people with the Pestilential Feaver and the Callenture which is a violent Feaver or Madness at first and we had in our Ship two hundred thirty sive Souls at that time and it was the will and pleasure of God that we had a hundred of them sink at one time so that we had but few to look to the sick and were in great want of Provisions yet we knew not whether to go but it pleased God to raise a great Storm so that a great Sea brake into our main Sail and we had two foot water between Decks and our poor sick people cryed out they were drowned but within an hour after by the mercy of God we had fair weather and fair wind and within three or four days God set us safe on Land to our great joy and comfort that before were almost past hopes so that he caused us to say with the Prophet David It was good for me that I was afflicted And yet have another choice mercy to make known of what God hath done for me for he hath now called me out of the world but not out of the Land of the living he hath also opened my eyes and made clear my understanding with Mary to chuse the better part and whatsoever the World or Satan can cast upon me it shall all turn to my good for I know that my Redeemer liveth and him my Soul desires to bless and praise which I trust I shall do till my change cometh as God shall inable me and the Lord strengthen my faith XXXII Experiences of T. G. IT hath pleased the Lord God of his own free mercy and love in Jesus Christ to prevent and keep me ever since I was born from many thousand dangers and yet I like an unruly Creature have kicked at his Fatherly protection and run into many gross and vile sins The first gross one was many kinds of unlawful gaming
which held me as a bond-slave near thirty years to the great endangering both of my Body and Soul but yet it pleased the Lord to look graciously upon me and to give me afterwards an hatred against this vice and withal he put into my mind a resolution which I confirmed with a vow as followeth That as I loved God and his Word or my own Soul I would never play at any game for money so long as I lived The Lord was pleased to accept of my good will and blessed me and mine in my lawfull calling many years untill at the last that old Serpent the Devil envying my happy proceedings in this Reformation he drew me into many other sins which had almost brought me to as bad an end as the first But the Lord out of the lowest Extremities gives in remedies to his Children and he gave me an hatred against them also and a Resolution Never to commit them any more Yet about two or three years after that old enemy of mankind Satan that roaring Lion seeking whom he may devour came again with turnings to destroy me perswading me that to drink with my Neighbours was acceptable to God which may be used without excess but I gave will the full reins which brought me back again to my former courses withal annexing wrath and anger to my House and Family perswading me that I must rule in my house which had brought me besides my self had not God helped me who never fails those whom he loves and that put their trust in him For presently upon this extremlty he sent this remedy 1. A sight of my sins 2. A grief and sorrow for them 3. A resolution to leave them And 4. The Lord carryed me through a way to leave them which was thus I began to call to mind what was the greatest thing I loved in this World and in the World to come besides those that I named before which I set opposite to these two monsters Then I vowed before the Lord desiring his assistance That as I loved the Holy Ghost the comforter or ever looked to have comfort from the blessed communion of the body and blood of Christ Jesus to cleanse my sins so if I did remember or was in perfect sense I would never drink above two reasonable glasses or cups of Wine or four cups of Beer in any one place or at any one time without any Equivocation And that at any time when I came into the doors of my house if there were any controversie in my Family that then I would with gentle perswasions do my best indeavour to end it And this with Gods help I would perform And I prayed O Lord my God bless my hand and my heart to perform thy will that when any temptation to gaming or drunkenness or lust shall assault me either by thought or any other means that then presently I may fly unto thee in the name of Christ Jesus my Saviour And I do still fly unto God confessing and sorrowing for my sins desiring the Lord to help and assist me to perform and keep all these and in all thing to serve God as long as I live I cannot be so humbled for my sins as I desire yet have I had much trouble for sin and have shed tears many a time and I have been much troubled that my heart cannot be broken enough yet I have had many crosses but I know it is the hand of God and I desire to lye low before him When God first discovered my sins to me I was was much terrified But I have found much comfort in that glorious promise which God made when Adam had sinned that The seed of the Woman should break the Serpents head Gen. 3. And also that sweet Promise declared by the Lord Jesus Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest Matth. 11.28 And Peter declareth saving Repent and be converted that your sins may be blotted out when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord. I have pleaded these and several other promises with God and have by faith trusted in God who bids us cast our care on him and he will care for us 1 Pet. 5.7 And I do believe in God and cast my self upon him knowing all the Promises to be yea and Amen in Christ And I have these effects of Gods gracious spirit working Regeneration in my Soul 1. In that the Lord blessed be his holy name hath so setled my heart on himself that I could leave friends relations and all things for God 2. I find in my heart a real affection and love strongly carryed out to all the children of God and I love to do good to the people of God 3. I take much delight to hear the word of God preached and to partake of duties with the people of God to have communion with God in private duties 4. I am troubled when my heart is cold in duty but much comforted when my heart is inlarged towards God 5. I believe that God will save me through Christ for ever T. G. XXXIII Experiences of M. H. IN my youthful age it pleased God to give me an heart to take delight to hear the Word preached at many places but especially at St. Antholins at the morning Lectures and this I did often for some time untill Satan stirred up many Instruments to call me Puritan with many other reproachful tearms that made me ashamed to go in publick but like Nicodemus by stealth as it were in the dark But it pleased the Lord to convince me of Satans wiles that he was a deceiver from the first and that in hearing the word Preached those that would be Souldiers in Christs School must not be daunted for every foyl and If I did look for Salvation by Jesus Christ I must manfully fight under the Banner of Christ and hold out to the end if I would be saved From the consideration hereof God was pleased to put courage into my heart to hold on in the ways of God and in professing the Gospel which I did though with abundance of weakness and difficulties and thus I did continually go on though darkly until it pleased God to break forth in his most glorious light for by special providence I was brought to see an utter ruine to my Soul without a Christ and tho' I had heard much of Christ by the outward ear yet had I no experimental knowledge of him till the word of Christ shewed me that my condition was such as Paul speaks of to the Ephesians that I was dead in trespasses and sins and except I was quickned by the Spirit and by Faith did bath my Soul in the blood of Christ I was an undone creature notwithstanding all my long hearing the word preached Having then weighed many circumstances and had conference with many of the people of God both Preachers and others I was very much strengthened in faith and had an assurance
Soul As Matth. 5.4 Christ saith Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted As God hath given me a mourning Spirit for my sins so I believe that in his time I shall be comforted and I have tasted I bless God of the comforts of his Spirit in my Soul Isaiah 55.1 The Lord faith Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no mony come ye buy and eat yea come buy wine and milk without mony and without price As the Lord hath made my Soul to thirst for him so I doubt not but to find him And the Lord says Ezek. 33.11 As I live I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his way and live I thank God my heart and soul is turned from all things and is only after the Lord. And in a special manner I have found sweet evidences of my faith and interest in God through Christ I had lately much comfort from a Sermon preached by Mr. Strong who shewed that afflictions did not make â—s low in the fight of God though before men as also from the 〈◊〉 at a conference by Mr. V. That in the World we shall have tribulations but in God rest And 1. I do clearly find that my love is more set upon God than upon any thing 2. I could more willingly leave the world now than ever before and I could willingly dye if God saw it good in the mind I am 3. I find in my heart that I do so cast my self upon God that I have peace with him 4. In times of doubtings I find coâ—fort that I have a God to call upon and I find much peace in my mind in returns from God 5. I do always find when any evil thoughts arise a power from God which subdues them so that I never willingly give way to them 6. I find my affections ready to go forth both to duties and in duties to God and when I come to them with little affection yet I bless God I find a great deal of comfort usually before I go away 7. I find the most comfort to my spirit is when I am weeping for my infirmities or at prayer or duties in publick or private and methinks I find such joy in them that I could dwell there having no comfort in the world like thaâ— 8. I find in my heart a real love to all if any have wronged me I desire no revenge but that I may be at peace with all 9. Whatsoever I find to be 〈◊〉 truth from God and a motion of his Spirit I find in my soul a willingâ— submitting to it A. A. XXIII Experiences of E. C. ABout 16. years of Age though I did not understand the Word yet I had a great desire to go to hear because they served God â—herin that did so knowing that there is a God that ought to be served And I sat in corners studying what way I might come to God if I should dye having a very great affection wrought by the Lord upon my spirit praying as well as I could that my self and my Father and Mother and Friends might go to God when we dye And I was very much set upon duties thinking to find God there but afterwards lived in a Family where I was much hindred from the Ordinances or partaking of any thing of God which was a great grief unto me Yet sometimes I had thoughts towards worldly things pondering how to be rich or fine as others but God wrought in my heart a remorse to check those temptations And frequently the Lord laid some affliction or other upon me to wean me the more from such vain thoughts which brought my heart into a very sad condition many times and sometimes I have wept day and night And at other times through grief that I could not sorrow enough I have fallen into a great measure of weeping After I had lived in several other Families where I had little comfort About twenty years since hearing Mr. F. and Mr. P. on Lords-days I was much comforted and also by Mr. Marshall and others and from the consideration of the Love of God in Christ and the sufferings of Christ for us as also of the Woman that did but by Faith touch the hem of Christs garment how she was comforted and healed and I had much comfort in private meetings But about five years since seeing my other Neighbours many of them flourish and prosper in the World more than I I began to doubt that I did but play the Hypocrite and that perhaps they did pray more at home than I though I knew some of them went less to the publick Ordinances I was very much troubled at this and thought with my self Lord shall I still lye at the Pool and find no body to put me in that I may be healed and I was much troubled because many of my Neighbours hated me for frequenting private meetings And for above a month I spent much time in private prayer and often in the night upon my Bed and went to hear only on the Lords-days But then I had thoughts upon me that it was not pleasing to God to pray unto him upon a soft Bed Then the Lord put it in my heart that he had promised That where two or three are met together in my name that I will be in the midst of them This caused me to go again as I had done before to hearing of Sermons on week-days But still I found many reasonings and doubtings upon my spirit whether I was elected or not and was much cast down many times about it and had some temptations to despair fearing that such a sinner as I could not be saved Yet I had comfort in this that though I was a finner God by his Spirit had mortified me And though I am not so good as I should be yet through the power of grace I am not so bad as the flesh would be and finding much of the testimony of Gods Spirit upon my heart I had great hope that I had marks and tokens of my believing One night having for about half a years time before used to go to Bed before I prayed being in Bed and thinking to pray to God I had strange temptations upon me to put God out of my mind and I could not speak a word nor scarce think of God and if I did in some intervals I could not name God or Christ nor speak a word to God for the present And Satan then seemed to appear to me in a most ugly shape laughing and jeering at me which did much affright me and I feared that I had played the Hypocrite with God and now should run mad to make good what some had reproachfully east upon me that I was an Hypocrite and I was rising out of my Bed but it pleased the Lord to put it into my mind that Christ Jesus hath not given so much for Souls as he hath done to
and out of order to serve God it doth much trouble me and in going to God I find comfort 4. When I am hindred from duties with the People of God it is a great grief unto me and the manifestation of the presence of God upon my heart is the greatest joy I find and that which most fills and satisfies my Soul 5. I find the want of any of Gods Ordinances to be a grief to me and that I am at a loss therein 6. I desire to serve God in all things and have a real and hearty respect to his Commandments and to do justly to all and do find my heart chiefly drawn forth to holiness and in all things to keep a good Conscience and live in the fear of God A. O. XXV Experiences of M. M. I Have many times had a desire to hear the Word of God when imployed about my Calling But I then thought to my self that I had no body to provide for me but if God would bestow on me so much of these outward things as upon others in the World then I would spend more time in hearing praying and reading the Word And accordingly as these outward things have ebbed or flowed so hath my joy been less or more But now God hath given me a sight of my sins and why I had formerly no comfort it was because I had not faith in my heart Before God wrought that in me instead of making use of those comforts which the Word holds forth I spent my time in mistrusting Gods providence who therefore justly during that time held the sence of his spiritual consolations from me Sometimes I was in despair so low that I could not apprehend any thing to be my portion but Hell Every thing that fell not out according to my mind I thought was a Judgment from God upon me Yet I afterwards got comfort by these inviting promises Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no money come ye buy and eat yea come buy wine and milk without money and without price And Ezek. 33.11 As I live saith the Lord God I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his way and live Turn ye turn ye from you evil ways for why will ye die house of Israel I had some comfort from these promises but no assurance my thoughts were various and tho' between hope and despair yet I resolved to go to God knowing that he is unchangeable and that whom he loves he loves to the end and that if a sinner doth repent and turn to him he will blot all his sins and iniquities out of his remembrance And it pleased God to bring this promise into my mind and to help me by faith to lay hold on it and apply it to my self Ezek. 18.21,22 If the wicked will turn from all his sins that he hath committed and keep all my statutes and do that which is lawful and right he shall surely live he shall not â—…ye All his transgressions that he hath committed they shall not be mentioned unto him in his righteousness that he hath done he shall live And Christ saith Job 3.16 God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life And this is life eternal to know God and Jesus Christ whom he hath sent I bless God he hath made me now to believe not only in word but to labour to bring forth the fruits thereof in a godly life and conversation 2. I cannot but admire the free love of God to me that though I have given ear formerly to the Devil and to the world and to my own wicked heart yet God hath been thus pleased now to call me out of darkness into his most marvellous light 3. God hath been pleased to give me faith to believe that though sin hath abounded in me yet grace shall now much more abound This makes me to see the free love of God without any desert in the creature 4. I have formerly gone about to limit God and to be upon tearms with him that if he would give me so much of these worldly things as I thought needful then I would spend more time in those duties which he hath commanded me But this is contrary to the Word of God which teacheth me now First to seek the Kingdom of God and the righteousness thereof knowing that all other things shall be added to me that I want 5. And now blessed be God he hath made me to believe this and all other promises so that I can by faith call God my Father who hath promised me that All things shall work together for good to me because I love him 6. I have found something from God of hope of mercy since I was a faithful hearer of the word though the Devil did before tempt me with objections to drive me to despair for sin 7. I am now I praise my God comforted in believing that God will not mention my sins against me Christ dyed for sinners and the ungodly and I know that although I have been a great sinner yet this hinders me not from laying hold on the promises 8. I do believe that the Life I now live I live by the faith of the Son of God I see by faith that Christ hath satisfied Gods justice for my sins in particular and hath bid me to reckon my self in him 9. Now being spiritually marryed to Christ all the priviledges of Saints and believers belong to me And I can say All is mine and I am Christs and Christ is Gods Who shall lay any thing to the charge of Gods Elect It is God that hath justified me Who is he that shall condemn me being now justified by Faith in Christ I have peace with God 10. I know when this earthly Tabernacle is dissolved I shall have an abiding not made with hands but eternal in the Heavens for Christ saith I am gone to prepare a place for you that is for me and all Believers 10. All the promises of God in Christ are spoken to believers and by faith I believe they are made to me and because he lives I shall live also Now Christ hath made me free I am free indeed 11. Christ hath done all for me only bids me to believe which faith by his Spirit he hath wrought in me 12. I have formerly been stirred up to hear pray and read upon felfish consideration of fear that otherwise I should go to Hell And I am ashamed to think how I have chosen rather to believe what the Devil hath said than what God hath said But blessed be the Lord I now see it is free love that he forgiveth iniquity transgressions and sins only because mercy pleaseth him all that I can do cannot 13. I am guilty before Gods justice in my self both by original sin which came by the fall of Adam and much more by
are the Lords saying with Mary in Luke 1. My Soul doth magnifie the Lord and my Spirit doth rejoyce in God my Saviour who hath regarded the low estate of his handmaid 8. Though formerly my foundation was built upon the sands and therefore easily overthrown Yet now I trust in the Lord I am established by Faith built upon that Rock which is the love of God my Saviour Christ being the corner stone Isa 28.16 Behold I lay in Zion a stone a tryed stone he that believeth shall not make hast 9. I wait upon the Will of my Heavenly Father in all his dispensations for a more full injoyment of Jesus Christ in my Soul which I do hunger and thirst after and I have the promise of my God that I shall be filled and having tasted I have found the Lord is gracious and more to be desired than thousands of Worlds 10. I believe not upon others words but as in John 4.42 as some said to the Woman of Samaria Now we believe not because of thy saying for we have heard him our selves and know that this is indeed the Christ the Saviour of the World 11. As David saith I had fainted unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord and I believe therefore have I spoken for I was greatly afflicted As the Apostle saith ye are compleat in Christ therefore I reckon my self in him 12. The Lord having cleared it to me that I am a believer I am confident that Christ Jesus did pray to his Father for me in the 17. of John saying I pray not for these only but for them that shall believe through their word that they may be one even as we are one therefore thou art my God and I will praise thee for thou hast heard me and art become my salvation Thus in some measure I have weakly hinted out a reason of the hope that is in me trusting in my God that as he hath taken away the guilt of sin out of my conscience so in his due time he will take away all sin from my conversation as he hath given me a pardon for sin so he will over-power all my corruptions that I may live more to the praise of the glory of his grace wherein he hath made me accepted in the Beloved and that I shall become over sin Satan self and all things opposite to grace more than a Conqueror through him that hath loved me and washed me from my sins in his blood for to him are all things possible and he is the wise Master-Builder who will not only begin but will go on to accomplish his own work D. R. XXVIII Experiences of A. O. I Have undergone sad troubles of spirit for my sins which I have had a great sight and sense of and shed many tears for and desire to be truly sorry for them and hate them and to have no more communion with them About two years I lay under very great temptations and was ready to despair and for several nights could not take any rest in my bed but was very weak with weeping and much grieved for my evil thoughts yet the Lord drew forth my heart to call upon him and hope in him for mercy But I had many sore conflicts insomuch that I could not lye in the chamber alone I made what use I could of opportunities to desire comfort from such godly Christians as I could meet withal to counsel me in the ways of God and I laboured to hearken to them but found my heart very dull and heavy for a time untill about three years since I began to find comfort from some Sermons that I heard and books that I read and some thoughts that the Lord settled upon my heart by his spirit hoping that there was mercy for me And I did believe that I had all the prayers of all the Saints in the world put up to the Throne of grace for me and that my Saviour had satisfied for my sins and through him God was reconciled to me and in particular I found comfort from these and some other promises John 16.35 Jesus said unto them I am the bread of life he that cometh to me shall never hunger and he that believeth on me shall never thirst Verse 37. All that the Father giveth me shall come to me and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out John 14.1 Let not your hearts be troubled ye believe in God believe also in me Jerem. 31.23 But this shall he the Covenant that I will make with the house of Israel After those days saith the Lord I will put my Law in their inward parts and write it in their Hearts and I will be their God and they shall be my people And I do find in my heart a testimony of my believing that I do love God wrought in me by his blessed Spirit by these particulars 1. I love God not through slavish fear but for his name and glory so that I can leave all for him and nothing is so dear and precious unto me as the love of God and nothing so great a joy to me as that Christ who dyed for me hath not left me 2. I find such comfort from the Lord that he by his Spirit revives my drooping heart and fills my empty Soul and when my poor spirit is even fainting away I find comfort from his glorious power and presence 3. When I cannot come to Ordinances it is a grief to me and when I am in duty it is a grief to me that I am so dull and find no more inlargement yet my affections are groaning after the Lord Jesus Christ in Duties and I have a great longing to receive more of Christ And I find more comfort when my heart is inlarged in duty than in any other thing in the World and I know that all my comfort is from Jesus Christ 4. What I desire to injoy I seek to injoy it in God through peace of conscience that it may be to the comfort of my faith for God is pure and it is a great grief to me that I can serve my God no better 5. I do not fear death for my faith is so setled in God that I long to be with my Saviour when he shall be pleased to call me to him Christ hath dyed for me to take away the fear of the second death A. O. XXIX Experiences of M. W. I Have from my child-hood desired to serve the Lord and to make his Commandments my rule to walk by and I thought once that I could have said with the young man in the Gospel All these have I kept from my youth But it pleased the Lord to visit me with a grievous sickness even unto death and then my heart told me that I was a great sinner and my conscience accused me that I had loved the world more than I had loved Jesus Christ Then I was afflicted in my spirit with fear because I could not believe
Christ and Isa 40.29 He giveth power to the faint and to them that have no might he increaseth strength This promise I laid hold on because Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Mat. 11.28 When I had refreshed my spirit by applying these and some other Promises to my own Soul by faith in the Lord Jesus I found an effect of my faith by that love to God which by his holy Spirit he had wrought in my Soul which appeareth by these particular Evidences 1. I am grieved that I have been so unbelieving towards God and so impatient in my afflictions 2. I am troubled to think that whilst I live here in this mortal flesh I cannot be quite freed from sin but must live to offend so good a God who hath wrought so great a deliverance for me 3. I bless the Lord I can through Divine goodness from the testimony of the blessed Spirit say with comfort the Lord is my God whereby I can cry Abba Father 4. I can I hope willingly deny my self in all things and should the Lord call me to it take up the Cross of my Saviour Jesus to follow him and bless God in all dispensations whatsoever 5. I find a total desire and willingness in my heart to surrender my self to be led by Gods blessed Spirit in all holiness and piety with perseverance that I may live all my days to the glory of my God 6. My affections are more firmly and really knit to God than to any thing so that I can part with any thing for God and I value my interest in God above all things and I find more joy in him than in all things 7. I am not now afraid to dye should God call me that I may go to be with my Saviour for ever 8. I desire to be in love and charity with all men but in an especial manner I do love the godly because in appearance they are the children of God and I desire to seed upon Christ by faith in his Ordinances M. W. XXX Experiences of H. C. AT the beginning of the Civil Wars I as well as others was much frighted and when it was said that such a day the City should be destroyed I was amazed I had been a hearer a great while of very eminent Ministers in the City of London yet profited very little by what I heard For if they preached the mercies of God I seared they did not belong to me because I could not find those qualifications in me which I thought I ought to have if I expected to receive mercy I could rejoyce in hearing of the promises but could not lay hold on them as belonging to me but still I went to hear though with much trouble of mind That day wherein it was said the City should be destroyed I began to call my self to account what would become of my Soul if it should be so I was almost amazed but did much desire of God that he would give me faith and with the Publican I said Lord I believe help my unbelief I then resolved with my self well I will cast my Soul into the arms of God If I perish I perish And through belief in him I was quieted in my spirit at that time But my sense of peace was soon vailed And I was afterward sore afflicted with the sight of my sin and was fully perswaded that I was an Hypocrite and that all that I did was but for fear of Hell then durst I not be any where alone for fear of the sight of the Devil and if I had been at prayer by my self I durst not open my eyes Thus was I perplexed with fear and perswaded my self I should perish my condition was very bitter to me and I did much labour for a resting place for my Soul And being one day at a Funeral the Minister that preached the Sermon shewed the sufficiency of God and the insufficiency of man and that all good came from God He said that it was as possible for that dead man to put life into himself as for any man to gain the least drop of grace of himself for Faith is the gift of God Then I began to consider with my self and to take notice of the promises of God and I would write them to keep them about me I then being a Hearer at St. M. the Minister was much upon the affairs of the times and I was much troubled about what I heard for I found not my Soul satisfied with that matter When I came home I found that my Soul was not able to live with that food and it pleased the Lord to direct me to hear Mr. Sympson at All-hollows Toames Street and he was setting forth the free grace of God to poor sinners And then I began to reason with my self that surely in putting all mercy from me I did dishonour God for he inviteth all to believe his promises And I read that he saith As I live I desire not the death of a sinner And Christ saith he came to save sinners and that the whole need not a Physitian but those that are sick And God hath promised not to break the bruised reed nor quench the smoaking flax and Christ dyed for the ungodly and God is no respecter of persons And Christ promiseth That whosoever comes unto him he will in no wise cast off When I had considered these and other promises And that place where it is said that without Faith it is impossible to please God then I was earnest with God that he would give me faith and sincerity of Heart And that place did much refresh me I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Yet again after all this the sense of mine own unworthiness did much trouble me and I was greatly grieved that I was so cumbred in the world and began to doubt saying sure I have not chosen the better part For sometimes I should rejoyce and praise God being much satisfied from those places of Scripture which say He hath laid our iniquities on him and he hath laid help on him that is mighty And in another place Ye are saved by grace not of your selves it is the gift of God And We have an Advocate with the Father even Jesus Christ the Righteous And he was made sin for us that keâ—… no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him And behold the Lamb of God that taketh away the sins of the World But in a short time I should lose all my sense of comfort and then I had sad thoughts musing what God would do with me In the depth of these conflicts at last that place refreshed me where God saith I the Lord change not therefore ye Sons of Jacob are not consumed Though before I was not satisfied that my faith was true but doubted that surely I had presumed upon false grounds and was much perplexed yet now it pleased God in the
lay under 4. When I have been under great fears in the time of our Civil Wars 5. When I have been under Spiritual Desertion by Gods hiding his face and favour from me or by reason of weakness and wants in grace Or by reason of strong and prevaling corruptions or by reason of Satans temptations In all these Cases I have experienced Gods gracious Dispensations toward me of which I shall set down a few It pleased God for many year to keep me for the most part in a sad and desolate Estate and condition not clearly evidencing the certain assurance of his love to my soul So that many times I questioned whether I was a Child of God or no whether I had part in Jesus Christ or no whether I should ever attain to life and salvation or no and this made me walk with a drooping and disconsolate Spirit so that I could have no sure comfort in any thing But tho' heavinesâ— endured for a night yet joy came in the morning when the Lord caused the light of his countenance to shine upon me which was better than life It pleased God upon the death of my youngest Child that it lay very heavy upon my Spirit in so much that I was brought oft upon my knees to beg support from God and to crave his grace and assistance that I might not break out to speak or act any thing whereby Gods name might be dishonoured or the Gospel discredited And that he would be pleased to make up this outward loss with some more durable and Spiritual good and the Lord was pleased to return a gracious and speedy answer to these my requests for though I lay long under the burden of that loss yet the Lord in his due time did sweetly manifest his special love to my soul assuring me that he was my gracious and reconciled Father in Christ whereby my love to him was much increased and even inflamed so that by his grace it wrought in me more diligence and carefulness to maintain and preserve these Evidences of his love and to yield a lively submission unto his will as well in suffering as in doing As also by avoiding whatsoever might provoke him to withdraw the evidences of his love from me without the sense whereof I could take little or no comfort in any thing And furthermore I bless God for it and speak it to the praise and glory of his rich and free grace my prayers and earnest desires have been answered by God's giving me comfortable assurance both from the testimony of his holy Word and the witness of his blessed Spirit of my eternal and everlasting Salvation in and by Jesus Christ Yet have I not been without fears and doubtings many times through want of looking over my Evidences or by neglecting to keep a narrow watch over my heart or from some weakness of my Faith and all through my own default and negligence the Lord pardon it and make me more circumspect for the time to come By all these I have gained this Experience 1. That God is true and faithful in making good all his promises seasonably unto us As that All things shall work together for our good and that God will never leave us nor forsake us c. 2. That it is not in vain to wait upon God and â—o seek unto him in our straits who is more ready to hear than we are to ask 3. That I desire to see yea the Lord hath shewed me the vanity and uncertainty of the most satisfying comforts that this World can afford and what an emptiness there is in them that so I may and I desire so to do keep weaned affections toward them and to sit loose from them that I may be ready to part with them when God calls them from me or me from them Again in regard of bodily weekness and sickness my Experiences have been these 1. That as a broken shoulder can bear no burden so the least distemper when the heart is not in a holy frame and temper is a burden insupportable If God hides his face from us and withdraws the evidences of his love and denies to assist us by his strength we can neither do nor suffer any thing And on the contrary I found by experience that I could with much chearfulness holy submission and willingness bear great distempers when I enjoyed the favour of God in them So that then I could readily say Good is the Work of the Lord as well as his Word And I will bear the Indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against him Micah 7.9 And Job 13.15 Though he slay me yet will I trust in him 2. I found by experience also that by my pains and sickness I was the better able to sympathize with and to pity and pray for others in the like case 3. Hereby I learn'd the more to prize health and that upon several accounts namely because in health we have liberty and opportunity to enjoy the Publick Ordinances with others of God's People whereby the Graces of true Christians are quickened strengthened and increased in us which otherwise by reason of our corrupt Natures are apt to grow cold and languish as will our bodies if they want food Again because in health we enjoy the benefit and the comfort of sweet and quiet sleep which much refreshes and cheers and which commonly we want in sickness Lastly Because in health we find sweet satisfying comfort in the use of God's good Creatures whereas in sickness the daintiest food is loathsom and troublesom The consideration of these things made me the more to prize health to be very thankful for it and the more careful to imploy and improve health and strength to God's glory and the furtherance of my own Salvation In regard of publick dangers I have had a great deal of experience of God's goodness toward me and mine several times For when in the begining of the Civil Wars and Distractions 1642. I was sometimes over whelmed with weak and distrustful fears occasioned by my not acting Faith upon the Promises and not remembring my former Experiences nor considering God's love power and fidelity to his Children in performing his so many gracious promises made unto them in all estates and conditions and to me among the rest Hereupon I resolved by God's grace and assistance not to give way to this distrust and diffidence praying God to assist me therein and found more courage than formerly so far as I knew my own heart though truly the heart is very deceitful as I have found by sad experience the Lord teach me and inable me to rely upon him with more courage and constancy and more to live by Faith upon his promises than formerly I have done Indeed I have been apt to fall into new fears upon approaching dangers yet upon successes and glorious deliverances I have oft resolved never to distrust God again and yet my naughty heart hath deceived me and made me ready to faint
gracious than great and had rather be the holiest man upon Earth than the most learned the most famous or the most prosperous His Joys are changed he now rejoyceth in the ways of Gods Testimonies more than in all Riches He delights in the Law of the Lord of which he formerly had little Savour He hath no such joy as in the thoughts of Christ and fruition of his company forever His eares and fears are altered he was once careful about the things of this life but now his great solicitude is how to secure his Soul and everlasting concerns He used to fear nothing so much as the loss of his Estate Reputation Friends or Pleasures Nothing sounded so terrible to him as pain poverty or disgrace Now these are little to him in comparison with the dishonour and displeasure of God It pierces his heart to think of losing Gods favour or of being parted from his blessed Saviour His love runs a new course and he like the ancient Father can scarce find words sweet enough to express his affections to his well beloved Jesus Let me see thee O Light of mine eyes Come O thou joy of my Spirit Let me behold thee O the gladness of my heart Let me love thee O Light of my Soul Appear unto me O my chief delight my sweet Comforter O my God my Life the whole glory of my Soul Let me find thee O Defire of my heart Let me hold thee O Love of my Soul Let me imbrace thee and possess thee O heavenly Bridegroom His Sorrows have now a Vent by the veiw of his Sins the sight of a Crucified Christ which did scarce move him before how much doth 〈◊〉 affect his heart His hatred boils his anger 〈◊〉 against sin all the facultie and members of his Soul and Body that were formerly instruments of sin are now become the holy Vtensils of Christs living Temple That eye which was once wandring wanton haughty and cavetous is now imployed as Marys weeping over his sins in beholding God in his works in reading his word in searching for Objects of Charity and Mercy and seeking all opportunities to do him service That ear that was opened to Satan's call and like a vitiated appetite relished nothing better than filthy or at least srothy unprofitable discourse and the laughter of Fools is now beared to hear the sweet voice of Jesus and is open to his Teachings it now says Speak Lord for thy Servant heareth and waits for his word as the rain which is sweeter to him than the honey and the hovey comb or his appointed food That head which was filled with carnal contrivances and designs is now imployed in matters of greater concern and studies how it may perform the will of God His thoughts are now more intent about his duty than his gain and his principal business is how be may please God and avoid Sin His heart which was full of pollution and defilement is now become an Altar of divine Incense where the fire of Celestial Love is continually burning and from whence the dayly Sacrifice of Prayer and Praise and the sweet perfume of holy Desires Ejaculations and Soliloquies are constantly ascending His mouth is become a well spring of Life his tongue is as choice Silver his lips feed many Now the Salt of heavenly Grace hath seasoned his speech and purged out all its corruption Hath cleansed it from its former filthy communication flatery boasting railing lying swearing backbiting which once issued out like flashes of infornal fire from the Hell that was in his heart His throat that was once an open Sepulchre now sends forth the sweet breath of Prayer and holy Discourse and the man speaks in another Tongue even the language of Canaan and is never so well pleased as when talking of God Christ and the glorious things of another world His â—…outh bringeth forth Wisdom and his tongue is become the Silver Trumpet of his Makers Praise and Glory To conlude his Conversation is in Heaven and the New Man takes a new course in his life and practice when God hath given him the new heart and writ his Law in his mind he forthwith walks in his Statutes and keeps his Judgments and though sin like a wearisome and unwelcome guest God knows dwells in him yet it hath no more dominion over him He hath his fruit unto holinese and though he hath many a fall yet the Law and Life of Jesus is his Rule and he hath an unfeigned respect to all Gods Commandments and keepeth a good conscience willing in all things to live honestly and without offence towards God and Men. In such a state as this no doubt were those eminent Christians who made the following solemn Declarations of the gracious Experiences which they had of the exceeding love favour of God to their Souls in supporting them under their doubts and difficulties and afterwards confirming their minds in the good ways of the Lord. They had found the Lord to be merciful and full of goodness compassion and truth and therefore thought that they ought with their mouths to shew sorth his Praise both to stir up thers to joyn with them therein and likewise to incourage poor distressed disconsolate Christians to put their trust in the Almighty since if they persevere sincerely in seeking his face he will certainly at length discover himself unto them and fill their hearts with joy and gladness And it may be reasonably hoped that these heavenly Experiences will be very effectual and conducive thereunto since they consist of such variety of Tryals Temptations and Exercises of Spirit that we can scarce suppose but the most disquieted despairing Soul way here meet with Cases as dark and comfortless as his own and and likewise find what a good end the Lord in his due time brought all the troubles of his afflicted Children unto And for this purpose no doubt they were first Collected and Published some years since by divers Faithful and Pious Ministers of the Gospel in and about London and though they have omitted the Names of the Persons because no glorying should appear therein yet they were then known to be Christians who had truly tasted seen that the Lord was gracious Now that the God of all Peace and Consolation may give his blessing hereunto is the hearty and earnest Prayer and desire of him who is A well wisher to the Souls of Men. W. D. Mercy Triumphant in the Conversion of Sinners to God Discovered in the Remarkable and Gracious Experiences of several Eminent Christians I. Experiences of Mr. J. R. Minister of the Gospel BEfore I give an account of my own Experiences I shall briefly discover the Duty and usefulness of communicating Christian Experiences 1. It is a Duty because it hath been the practice of the People of God in former Ages When our blessed Saviour had cleansed the Leper Matth. 8.4 he bid him Go and shew it for a Testimony and Matth. 28.7 the Angels
me but I regarded it not which was afterward a veay great grief to me for I could not endure to be curbed nor kept in but at length to avoid the continual Reproofs which he justly gave me for my ill courses and company I resolved not to stay at home any longer but to go into Flanders accordingly I put out to Sea but by Storms and contrary Winds was driven back again yet I could not see the Hand of God in this but still held on my purpose and took the first opportunity to get away out of Ireland into England where my Friends used many Arguments to perswade me to return home again Whilst I continued in England I began to be convinced by hearing several good Men of the heinousness of my sins and wicked disobedience and was thereupon sadly afflicted and disconsolate so that I could have no quiet nor rest In this time my Father hearing where I was not knowing before what was become of me doubting I might be dead or drowned writ a Letter to me wherein I was admonished to beware of such as run headlong to Perdition with many other good advices he seeming like old Jacob to rejoyce that his Son was yet alive c. All these things struck me heavily to the Heart so that I lay long under the fearful Sentence of my Iniquities and Disobedience and could receive no comfort nor satisfaction I concealed this my inward Grief and Torment till my Heart was ready to burst but at length acquainted my Friends therewith who endeavoured to comfort me and I had some quiet for a short space but this lasted not so that I soon fell again into my old malady and trouble as before being so exceedingly disturbed that I could by no means obtain any peace till that Scripture came into my mind Isa 50.10 He that sitteth in Darkness and seeth no light should trust in the Name of the Lord and stay himself upon his God this did much support and incourage me to depend upon God whereby I had abundance of consolation Yet I was seldom free from many Temptations Fears and Doubts and such sometimes as did much disquiet me untill once that I had a Divine Dream which hath been very sweet to my Soul even since for in my Dream I thought I was told that God's love was free in Jesus Christ and bestowed upon poor sinners through his Merits and that he put none by neither turned any away that came to him in and through his Dear Son and that I need not fear but I was one of them that should be accepted and received to Mercy This brought much Joy to my Heart and the sense of it remains to this very day Afterward I went to New-England and had much comfort from them and from their Ministers and since my return I have had great peace of Mind and desire to live in Union with Christ and Communion with his Servants as long as I am upon Earth and I have grounded hopes of living with him when I dye and with all his Saints to enjoy his Blissfull presence to Eternal Ages R. W. III. Experiences of Maj. A. M. I was well Educated by my Parents who were accounted Puritans till about sixteen years of Age after which I was put an Apprentice to London but ill company drew me away and I took ill courses till I was about 24 years Old then I came into Ireland in the beginning of the Rebellion 1641. and Travelling toward the North passed through great Dangers and many Deaths as I may say for there my Father was killed my Wife wounded and I my self with much difficulty escaped from the bloody Rebels after this I was in the Fight at Drogheda oâ— Tredah when it was taken and being laid in the Field of Battel among the Slain I was given over for one of the Dead but it pleased God that I recovered and then went into England I had not been there long but I began to look about me and to have some convictions of mind and thereupon I was diligent to follow the means and hear the VVord of God Preached by good Men being sensible of my sins and former forgetfulness of God or any thing that was good I heard one Mr. Owen with whom I was much affected and convinced of my misery in the want of Christ and afterwards received great comfort and assured hopes of Salvation from Mr. R. and now I do verily believe I have Fellowship with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ and find a wonderful change in my Soul abhorring all ill company and courses and desiring to walk in all well pleasing toward God and tho' I meet with many Temptations yet I bless the Lord he carries me on in his good ways so that I can now pray to him by the assistance of his Spirit and have an earnest love to his Word and Ordinances Blessed be God for his free grace in Christ Jesus who before I had any knowledge of him spoke to my Heart by the means of an honest Man about thirteen years ago After which I followed all the means I could meet with and was wont to hear Mr. Cradock and Mr. Symson in London the first of whom in a Sermon upon Isaiah Wee is me I am an unclean Creature c. spoke so home to my condition that I imagined his Discourse was directed to me particularly This so wrought upon my Conscience that I was extreamly afflicted for a time and gave my self much to Prayer and at length I became in love with Truth and true Christians and have found and do yet find those things true in me which were spoken by Mr. N. of that oneness of Love and unity of the Spirit which ought to be among all Gods People I have seen my sad condition by Nature and am sensible of the happy change that the grace of God hath made in me and now Oh! how do I love the ways of God and Holiness and Duties and means of Grace and the things of God which before I slighted disregarded and loathed and lastly I now desire and long after Jesus Christ and care not how soon I be taken out of this sinful World that I may live with him in Eternal Glory A. M. IV. Experiences of F. B. MY Experiences of the Mercy and Love of God are more than I can express the first main work upon my Spirit was on a sudden upon an Alarm given to our Troop while I was a Souldier which had such a convincing effect upon me that I lay long under the Apprehension of Gods Wrath and was much disquieted so that though I Prayed and Prayed yet I could take no comfort and had no confidence in the Mercy of God but Confusion was before my Face Afterward I came to Dublin where I was impeached for breaking an Article of War and was condemned to lose my Life for the same whilst I was in Prison I had dreadful apprehensions of Hell in my Soul and could
do nothing but weep and mourn and pray counting my Life to be lost and yet I was more troubled for the wrath of God then the wrath of Man But at length it pleased God to give me comfort for one Night whilst I was beraoaning my self and in much Despair on a sudden the room was all in a flame and I thought my self in the midst of Lightning and being terrified I imagined I saw these words written against the Wall Thy sins are Pardoned and thy Life is hid with Christ in God This extraordinary Manifestation much eased the Trouble and Sorrow wherein I was but yet for want of Faith this comfort did not long continue with me for after that I thought I saw the Lord with such a wrathful countenance that I durst not look upon him and the next news that I heard was that I was ordered to be shot to Death Oh! then I cannot express the terrors that I was in my woful misery was such that neither Prayers reading of the Scriptures nor the pretious promises therein could afford me any Relief for I could not believe that I had any right to them and therefore could not lay hold of them In this dreadfull Distress I lay a condemned Man both in Soul and Body lamenting my wretched condition when opening the Bible in Joel 2.13 I saw it thus written Turn ye to the Lord God for he is Gracious and Merciful slow to Anger and of great Tenderness and Repenteth him of the Evil. Hereupon I pondered a while and said and is he such a God Well then he is my God and with that I gave my self up into his Hands resolving to relie upon him let him do what he would with me and on this Foundation I was Setled and satisfied A while after it pleased the Lord to deliver me out of the danger of Death and to set me at liberty from Prison but notwithstanding this great Mercy yet I must confess that I afterward found such opposition in my Heart against God as I could not believe had been in me I was grievously wounded for it and could have no quiet but went to Mr. W. and acquainted him with it who told me that I had fallen from my first Works and that I must Repent This rent my Heart and I had no Rest I returned from him and applyed to Prayer keeping that course continually till by degrees I was recovered out of that disconsolate condition and I praise God I have since found his favour and kindness extended toward me so that I am fully perswaded he loves me and will pardon my sins in Jesus Christ on whose Merits I relie in whose Righteousness I rest and by whose Grace I am now set free to serve him here and doubt not but to Reign with him hereafter F. B. V. Experiences of H. M. MY Father was a Gentleman of a fair Estate had many Children eleven Sons of us he was High Sheriff and when he dyed all our Family were broken dispersed and in confusion Two of us were brought up within five Miles of Glocester but I was placed an Apprentice in London and by this means my sorrows and troubles began to be great at first from the consideration of this suddain change which continued a while but about the 17th year of my Age my former grief was turned into another kind of Trouble namely Sorrow for my sins I was for three years together wounded with the sense of my sins and corruptions which were many I followed Sermons persuing the means was constant in Duties and Doing looking for Heaven that way I was very precise in outward formalities censuring all for Reprobates that wore their Hair long and not short above their Ears or that followed the common Modes and Fashions of those days Thus I continued Distracted in my Thoughts and wounded in my Conscience weeping often and bitterly and Praying earnestly but yet had no comfort till I heard that sweet Saint now in Heaven Dr. Sibbs by whose Means and Ministry I was brought to Peace and Joy in my Spirit his sweet Soul-melting Sermons won my Heart and Refreshed me much for by him I saw much of the goodness of God and had good Hope and Confidence in Christ Jesus and could overlook the World undervalue all Earthly things and was not afraid of Afflictions and though I was sometimes under the Spirit of Bondage again unto fear yet my Heart still held firm and my desires were all Heaven-ward I took delight to hear Funeral Sermons but Dr. Sibbs chiefly by whom I was effectually wrought upon and Satissied with Comforts which I hope will never leave me till I come to Everlasting Rest H. M. VI. Experiences of Mr. T. H. Minister of the Gospel I was but young when I first came under Gonvictions of Soul and my Heart being warmed by a zealous Ministry which put me much upon Duty I used to read the Scriptures every Night and to Repeat Sermons often and so I spent the first Scene of my Youth till I was sent by my Friends to London where I lived a year or two during that time as often as I saw any Minister I could not but weep and always wisht that I might be one my self to be able to Preach too after this I was sent to one of the Universities in England but being wild with youthful company was removed to the Colledge of Dublin where I continued till the horrid Popish Rebellion broke out in 1641. At which time I left it and went to Liverpool in Lancashire where I Preached some years yet all this while I was but formal and as the young Man in the Gospel said he had kept all these things from his Youth so I was from from my youth Religious well given loving the means and following them hearing Sermons and seeking to serve God But alas I was yet all this while in Darkness and did not know it but afterwards I saw that I was blind and carnal For I began to be in great Doubts and Troubles and very much clouded in my Spirit and was exceedingly tyed and bound up for a time under the Sense of my formal Holiness and sins but the Lord was pleased to give me light Once as I was walking sadly alone upon the Mountains it pleased the Lord so to influence me by his Spirit which seemed to be immediately poured out upon me that my Soul was satisfied in Jesus Christ and my Heart was filled with Heavenly Joy and Peace and with most Ravishing contemplations which continued without a cloud for several weeks together and gave me assured Hopes of the Love of God and ever since I have lived in the Righteousness of the Lord Jesus Christ and though I have met with many storms and clouds yet they have all passed away and cannot hinder me from Salvation so long as Christ who is my Lord and Saviour is above them and I doubt not but he will at last Translate me from his Kingdom of Grace here
especially I was given much to impatiency for which my Husband had often reproved me But still I went on in my sin being not sensible of my sad condition therein until I came into England After which this Sermon of Mr. T. did much humble me and wrought upon my heart a very great sense of my sins And I was afraid that I had committed the sin of Blasphemy against God as Job said his children perhaps had done some way or other because I had sometimes cursed some body or something that had angred me and in passion rapt out sometimes at Oath many nights I watered my bed with my tears about it and went to Mr. VVest a Minister near Liverpoole and other godly people who used such means as God led them forth to for my comfort but I was still afflicted in my Soul about the space of three weeks and then I found much comfort being perswaded by good counsel to trust in God which I did and was heartily sorry for my sins And then my Husband was troubled in mind himself and the Lord made me an instrument to comfort him as well as I could But about five months after he had abundance of joy and comfort and expected death saying that he was perswaded he should be killed and so presently after he was setled in his mind it fell sadly out For the Enemy took Liverpool and killed my Husband and a child both before my face and stript and wounded me and a child of five years old and it was thought I could not live And this was a strong tryal and I was much tempted my senses me thought were going from me and my heart I thought would have rent in pieces yet I prayed and the Lord heard me I thought it was too much for me to bear But I remembred my Saviours words He that will not forsake Father or Mother or Sister or Brother or Husband or Child for Christ is not worthy of him and I desire to give glory to his name I consider that I must part with all for Christ I strove hard against my own weakness and my heart said that God was just in all his dealings with me I thought when I had considered of it that I did but suffer as an evil doer my self but our cause was Gods and our Enemies Popish Rebels Paul was ready not only to suffer but to dye at Jerusalem for the name of Christ so I took it patiently giving glory to God and believing that God who â—us come so near me would not forsake me I was assured with much joy that the Lord would bring me to himself and in this confidence did rejoyce with my wounded Child and a little Daughter in a Barn where we were put having got a piece of an old Bible and then and since I have found much settledness in my faith from several Promises of the Lord revealed in his holy Word some of which follow John 15.7 If ye abide in me and my words abide in you ye shall ask what you will and it shall be done unto you I trust in God never to depart from his word and therefore hope to find comfort in the end and do find comfort in the way in that Christ abideth with me Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled Though the Lord hath thus emptyed me of some worldly comforts yet he hath given me an hungring and thirsting Soul after himself and therefore I laid hold of this promise of blessedness as made so me Matth. 15.28 where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest It this I have been and still am much comforted in the greatest afflictions that God hath laid upon me in whom alone is true rest And as further testimonieâ— of my love to God and evidences of my faith I have these comfortable inferences which speak much peace to my Soul 1. My love to God and Christ is more than to all things in the World 2. I find a great difference in my affections to God and to the World and the things thereof so that my Children which of all worldly things are most hear and dear to me yet if God should take them from me I could freely give them 3. I find the Spirit striving against the flesh so that when I heard Dr. Holmes speaking of that still voice which a Believer hears aâ— it were from the Spirit it did so inlarge my heart that for joy and great comfort it made me weep through the influence of the Spirit sensibly then upon my heart and so at other times also I find much comfort in the Spirit of God which is my greatest joy 4. I do rejoyce mightily in the Ordinances and apply what I hear to my self as well as I can and when I hear any thing against any evil that I can apply to my self the Lord draws forth my heart frequently to pray to God that I may do nothing that may displease him And I thank my God I find a full willingness in desire and affection to submit to every truth of Jesus Christ 5. When I hear comforts spoken of that concern me I am so joyful that it fills my heart and sometimes fetches tears from mine eyes as particularly when Master M. said That afflictions were a testimony of Gods love to his people as Lazarus was forely afflicted and dearly beloved 6. Since I heard Mr. B. and others as also suitable to my condition several things laid open by Mr. W. in some cases of Conscience I have been much affected to settle my self so by the power of Christ that I may find peace in my conscience in all things before I dye and have made it my chief business and have found comfort in the meetings of godly people 7. I bless the name of the Lord my affections are loving to the people of God and I know I love them dearly and my heart riseth to hear them spoken against I had rather bear reproaches my self than than see any one of them wronged or suffer 8. I desire as to live with God in glory in Heaven so to lead my life to his glory here on Earth in grace according to the rule of his holy Word and the examples of the Saints therein expressed and I could heartily wish were it possible that I might never sin more And I have I bless God a clear discerning through the power of the Spirit of Grace that the Gospel is the Word of truth to Salvation 9. When I come before the Lord I see nothing but emptiness in my self and therefore trust in the fulness of Christ in whose power and Spirit I find much comfort and desire always that I may come prepared with that wedding garment that may never be taken away from me for of my self I can do nothing but through Christ if he abide in me and I in him I shall do all things M.
Joshua that I and my house wold serve the Lord. And although it was a bitter pill to me to bear the cross before yet now my God hath made it easie and I praise the Lord thâ—ough his grace I can go under it with a great deal of comfort and he hath now discovered to me the way of his working in those things which before were wonderful strange to me Many special promises I found great comfort in some that I remember are these that follow viz. 1 Pet. 5.6,7 Humble your selves therefore under the mighty hand of God that he may exalt you in due time Casting all your care on him for he careth for you This promise I have found of a truth made good to me in some measure I have applyed it often and have found the comfort of it 2 Con. 1.29 My grace is sufficient for thee From this place I found much comfort knowing the fulness of so glorious a portion Jam. 1.2,3,4 Count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations knowing this that the tryal of your faith worketh patience But let patience have her perfect work that ye may be perfect and intire wanting nothing This administred great joy to me against all temptations Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters of life and he that hath no mony come ye tâ—…uy and eat This gave great comfort to my Soul at several times though it was so much cast down And that which gives me great content and comfort is the seal of God Spirit in my heart giving evidence of peace in the blood of Christ between God and my Soul by these testimonies 1. My love to God is so that I am confident if the Lord keep me with his Spirit which at this time he hath bestowed upon me I could be content to part with any thing or lay down my lise for his glory if he would call me to it 2. The Lord hath been pleased so toâ—inrich my Soul with his Spirit that I loath the things of the World when they would draw me in any thing from submitting to the motions of Gods Spirit in my heart I once thought nothing could have drawn me from the love of the vain things of the world but now I do as much disdain them for God and more than then I loved them 3. I desire to follow Gods Ordinances and find great enlargments of my heart to God both to and in the Ordinances And particularly from Mr. S. Mr. W. and others from whom many things have fallen that have much refreshed my Soul and I find my heart in duties to God more refreshed than in any thing 4. I find much peace in my conscience because of a free submission which his Spirit hath wrought in my Soul to all the commands of Jesus Christ and I find comfort in that true circumcision which is in my heart wrought by his Spirit 5. I find every every day so great a peace in my Soul and such comfort in God that I could be willing and I bless God find in my self a readiness to dye every moment XXII Experiences of A. A. ABout two years since my Husband was sore wounded which I took as a great tryal not having above a month to go with Child and I was troubled at it And about a quarter of a year after I was up all my Children were sick together of the small Pox. Yet all this did not work upon me inwardly so sensibly as about a month afterwards that one of my Children dyed suddenly when I thought he had been near well then I said the wages of sin is death thinking that the Lord had warned me by Fatherly threatnings before but I did not hearken to him and therefore I thought he smote me now by the death of my Child But yet I could not enter into any particular sins that God should strike at only in general I sought the Lord to lay open my sins to me I was very much troubled that the Lord took my child so suddenly from me but was comforted by Mr. Strong in some Sermons preached from the words the Church to Paul going to suffer at Jerusalem Acts 21.14 When he would not be perswaded we ceased saying The will of the Lord be done So I was setled pretty well in my thoughts till suddenly the Lord struck the elder of my two Children then living which was a Boy my other which is a Girl I did not so much value but now I do and know Gods mercy in sparing her but my Child that then dyed was the chief comfort that my heart was fixed upon in this world which was so great a grief to me that I have slept few nights quiet I desired to know the mind of God what he would do with me Sometimes I should have difpaired through great busfetings inwardly but that the Lord sustained me Sometimes I thought that the wrath of God was hindled against me thinking never to have comfort in this world again But blessed be the Lord for it he hath often comforted me in this that I have thought he did it in love to me yet sometimes I have feared that I should despair and that the hand of God was against me in it having been troubled with thoughts that I was the death of my children Thus I have been between hope and dispair and could not find what the Will of God was in it towards me And I had fears that the hand of God was still against me for further punishment because I have had many temptations upon me in low thoughts of God But I have gone to prayer and desired the Lord to deliver me and discover his mind to me in every thing that I do and have found a willingness to part with any thing even to cut off a limb or any thing if I could find out what it was And I bless God I have found a good spirit resisting the bad Yet I have been under much fear that I was not a child of God But it hath pleased God to comfort me in this that Pauls life was subject to temptations therefore I had hope and cast my self upon the mereies of God resolving that if I perish I perish never daring to offend willingly in any thing that I know to be a sin yet I know I am a wretched sinner but I humbly desire to do the will of God so far as I am able And in that I can say with David Psal 42.1 As the heart panteth after the water-brooks so panteth my soul after thee O God I find comfort with him to say Why art thou cast down O my Soul and why art thou disquieted within me hope thou in God for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance verse 5. And I will look unto the Lord with the Prophet Micha I will wait for the God of my Salvation my God will hear me Mich. 7.7 And I have found much comfort in applying several promises to my
let the Devil have them for nothing And in the strength of the Lord I repulsed the Devil saying Satan when thou in tempting Christ shewedst him the whole World thou promisedst him that which was none of thine own nor am I thine and therefore avoid Satan for thou hast nothing to do with me and then the Devil departed from me Then my heart was much filled with the thoughts of the goodness of God and with a mixture of tears and joy I had sweet comforts from the Lord. And though I have had many doubts upon my spirit sometimes yet I have since found very great consolation through Faith in the promises of God as in these and divers others Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest I thank God I have found much rest and refreshment by coming to Christ and that his grace is sufficient for me Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled I have often laid hold on this promise with a thirsting desire after Jesus Christ and he hath filled me with comfort And the comfort wherewith Christ did comfort Peter bidding him not to fear for he had prayed for him hath been upon my spirit and given me great consolation in that I know Christ is heard in all that he prayeth to the Father And I find the Testimonies of my Conversion to God which give satisfaction to my Soul that I am a true Believer 1. Though I do all that I can to serve God as he hath commanded me yet I find great imperâ— fection and utter unworthiness in my self to deserve any thing of God But my whole dependance and hope of Salvation is in Gods free grace in the blood and merits of my Saviour Jesus Christ 2. I do find that the Love of God in Christ constrains me to love God again above all things in the World and whatever I am about my Soul is delighted with God above all 3. I find that the Lord draws my heart to hate all evil communication and evil things and not so much to fear the punishment of the World for any thing as to sin against God 4. I am much delighted in the workings of Gods Spirit and it is a great joy and comfort to my Soul when my heart is inlarged towards God 5. My heart is much affected unto Ordinances and if Satan suggested worldly thoughts to hinder me from duties I have called upon God and found comfort and when I have come to duties with cold affections I have been much refreshed in the duties 〈◊〉 though sometimes I have felt pain and distemper in my body which I have thought Satan hath done to make me weary in duties yet I have called on the Lord and found comfort 6. I find great peace and much comfort in the Lord so that I could be willing to dye and it is a great joy to me in that I expect to dye that I may be delivered from the afflictions of the World to enter into eternal joy with Christ for ever E. O. XXIV Expeiences of A. G. I Have been many years since very sensible of my Natural Estate and did lye long under the sence of my sins which were so great a burden to me that they made me almost despair insomuch that I could scarce either eat or drink but had my spirits dried up with the anguish thereof For I was brought up under the Means and from a Child frequented the hearing of the Word And the first cause of my great torment was for that I once told a Lye against my Conscience which so lay upon my spirit afterwards that I could receive no comfort I went to hear the Word and read the Scriptures yet all did but increase my horrour Several Ministers and godly People used great means to comfort me but all in vain for a time and when I read the Scriptures I found every threatning and judgment therein that I fixed my thoughts upon to speak terrour to my Soul and my distraction was so great that my Friends said I was mad and kept the Bible from me For so often as I read in it I pored most upon that dreadful place Matth. 12.31 All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men I did not know what the sin against the Holy Ghost was but I had a perswasion I had committed that sin and feared that my sins could not be pardoned and that I should never go to Heaven but was cast off to the damned Yet this the Lord wrought for me and in me by his blessed Spirit to draw forth my heart to be often praying in that poor doubting way my spirit could by the Lords assistance souchsafed to me attain unto for though I thought it in vain and that God would not hear me yet I continued praying and often cryed to God not only in the day time but frequently in the night and rise out of my Bed to pray to God to have mercy upon me And I was sometimes a little comforted in that I was perswaded to hope in the Lord but yet it was dashed again through fear that I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost And I thought that all victuals and every thing was too good for me and that I was unworthy of all enâ—oyments Thus I lay for some months in a sad Agony wrastling with temptations perplexed between hope and despair But at last in hearing Mr. W. Minister of B. and reading a Book called The New Birth I found comfort being better satisfied what the sin against the Holy Ghost was than before since which I bless God I have for some years past found much comfort from the Promises of God revealed in his holy Word some of which follow Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled My chief desires are after Jesus Christ and to follow him by the Rule of the Gospel not doubting but that I shall be blessed in that grace which he communicates to me from his fulness Matth. 11.28 Come â—nto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest This promise being to Souls laden with dejections and universal to all that come to Christ hath much comforted my heart in that by his Spirit he hath drawn-forth my Soul to come to him And as a testimony of my love to God and evidences of my faith I bless God I have these comfortable fruits of the Spirit of grace in my Soul 1. Though I do all that I can to serve God yet in all things I find infirmities in me so that all my trust is only in the meriâ—s of my Saviour Jesus Christ 2. Though I cannot be so holy as I should yet I desire and labour to be as holy as I can 3. When my heart is dull cold
to submit having not any objection against it for it comprehended all sorts of sinners although never so great yet whosoever believeth in this Son of God shall injoy such a sweet promise no less than eternal life In the 16. verse God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life And in Acts 10.43 That whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins Then in Gal. 2.20 I live by the faith of the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me and Christ Jesus dyed for sinners of whom I am chief Seeing this application of Christ that Paul made in particular to himself who was a very great sinner in did much imbolden me in the like Rom. 5.8,9 God commendeth his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners Christ dyed for the ungodly and I was ungodly therefore I believed Christ dyed for me and when we were yet without strength in due time Christ dyed for sinners I am a sinner and therefore Christ dyed for me and he was reconciled unto us while we were enemies For the Lord to be thus reconoiled to ungodly to sinners to enemies this was more love indeed than ever I expected Especially that the Lord would have been half so gracious to me This turned all my former sorrows into joy crying out what shall I render unto the Lord for all his benefits that he hath bestowed upon me For what was I or any of my Fathers house that the Lord should be so merciful unto me And I have these testimonis of my real conversion to God 1. The testimony of his spirit adopting me to be his child Gal. 3.4,5 God sent forth his Son to redeem those that are under the law that they may receive the adoption of Sons And because you are Sons God hath sent forth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts crying Abba Father wherefore thou art no more a servant but a Son I was once under the law dead I am now by Christ redeemed And I bless God for this precious priviledge that I can call God my Father 2. Christ hathfulfilled the law therefore I shall not be condemned by the Law but justified by Jesus Christ without the deeds of the Law there was a time when I was dead in sin and in ungodliness being alienated from the Common-wealth of Israel and a stranger to the Covenant of grace having no hope and without God in the world But being made alive by Jesus Christ I see my sins done away and do believe that Christ hath born on his body all my sins he being bruised for our transgressions Isa 53. And the Lord laid on him the iniquity of us all by whose stripes we are healed So that I do believe that by one offering he hath perfected for ever all those that are sanctified Heb. 10. And that Christ Jesus is become a full and perfect satisfaction for my sins and that the Lord is well pleased with and contented in this satisfaction Mat. 3. That is my well-beloved Son in whom I am well pleased 3. I am in and through Gods free grace what I am not for any thing in me or that I could do but as in Titus 4.5 We our selves were sometimes foolish disobedient serving divers lusts but when the kindness and love of God our Saviour appeared towards man not by works of righteousness which we have done but according to his mercy he saved us That being justified freely by his grace we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life And in another place 1 Tim. 1.9 Who hath saved us and called us with an holy calling not according to our works but according to his own purpose and grace in Christ Jesus before the world began Therefore I believe that God the Father loveth me in Jesus Christ 1 John 4.19 We love him because he loved us first John 14.14 Ye have not chosen me but I have chosen you that you should bring forth much fruit Isa 43.25 I even I am he that blotteth out all thy transgressions for my own sake and will not remember thy iniquitieâ— and he will have mercy even because he will have mercy The blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth us from all sins I plainly see it is the Lords doings and it is marvellous in my eyes As in Ephes 2. You who were dead in trespasses and sins hath he quickned together with him by Grace ye are saved and that not of your selves it is the gift of God I find as Christ Jesus was a free gift to me and for me so was this saving grace of faith a free gift also from the Lord to my Soul Rom. 3.24 Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that he might be just and the justifier of him that believeth in Jesus so that all boasting of the creature is excluded by the law of faith As by the disobedience of one many were made sinners so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous 4. I believe that as there was no sin found in Christ and yet a sinner by imputation so I being a sinner indeed shall be made righteous by Gods imputation For it pleased God to make him become sin for us who knew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him 5. I have the seal of the spirit as Paul saith The spirit of God beareth witness with our spirits that we are the children of God and if children then Heirs of God and joynt heirs with Christ in this our freedom 6. I do believe that God the Father loved me and elected me for the Son to redeem and that Jesus Christ loves me as given of the Father for him to redeem and manifests it to me And the Holy Ghost loves me as elected of the Father and redeemed by the Son and doth evidence it in me which is the earnest of my inheritance and there is an expression in John 3. last He that believeth in the Son hath everlasting life 7. I do believe that I have everlasting life already in possession 1. By the Promise Fear not little slock for it is your Fathers good pleasure to give you a Kingdom 2. In the first fruits for what is heaven hereafter but a more full injoyment of what is begun here What we receive now is but a tast of what we shall receive As 1 John 4.2 Beloved now are we the Sons of God and it doth not yet appear what we shall be but we know that when we shall appear we shall be like him for we shall see him as he is 3. I do injoy it by my head Christ who hath taken full possession of it already for me Therefore seeing I am not my own I am bought with a price therefore I desire to glorifie God with my Soul and Body which
that Jesus Christ had dyed for me I besought the Lord by earnest prayer that he would be pleased to spare me for I found my self to be very unfit for death I made Promâ—ses to the Lord that if he did please to spare me I would lead a new life and did resolve to walk more close to my God The Lord was pleased in mercy to hear my Prayer and grant this request and spare me a while longer to serve him in the land of the living But notwithstanding my promises and the great deliverance the Lord had wrought for me in keeping me back from Hell and the Grave I had soon forgotten all I began to love the world again and lived as vainly as before But the Lord smote my conscience and sorely troubled my spirit for this backsliding putting me in mind of the promises I had made to him in my sickness With great bitterness of heart and grief of Soul I mourned for my failings and did again resolve for the time to come to keep more close to God and set a watch over my heart But the more I looked into my heart the more vile I saw my self to be and was greatly troubled that I had so often played the hypocrite with my God I again besought the Lord by prayer that he would be pleased for Jesus Christ his sake to forgive all my sins and backslidings which I then was grieved for with loathing more than ever before My conscience was so wounded and my Soul cast down in so great a conflict that my spirits were almost dryed up and my heart began to grow weary and faint with crying and groaning after my Saviour Yet the Lord was pleased to humble me still more and more and to try me further as gold is tryed in the fire And my afflictions were doubled upon me by Satans malice who tempted me with evil thoughts which was grievous to my Soul When I had prayed with a troubled spirit as well as I could the Devil put thoughts into my mind quite contrary to the frame of a praying spirit When I had read the word of God he tempted me with doubts and questions touching some things therein whether it was truth or not And Satan followed his temptations so close upon me that as soon as the Lord had inabled me to repulse one temptation the Devil assaulted me with another so that I had scarce time to fetch my breath one temptation followed so close upon another Being troubled much in my spirit in this condition I was tempted to discontent that the Lord had not taken away these Temptations from me and in anger fell into some great passions even near unto desperation And I was sorely busseted by the Devil in this my lowest extremity who assaulted me with fresh temptations of blasphemous thoughts touching God so that when in the bitterness of my Soul I was seeking after Jesus Christ and had named God he would put into my mind the objects of the brute Creatures and even whilst I was pouring out my Soul to the Creator and was pleading a promise he brought a curse to my thoughts Thus was I repulsed in all duties by Satans terrifying my Soul to perswade me that it was in vain for me to seek for Salvation because I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost which God by his word hath declared shall never be forgiven neither in this World nor in the World to come because I was discontented that the Lord after all my addresses to him had not delivered me from all my troubles But the Lord gave me strength to resist Satan and say in the bitterness of my Soul to my God far be it from me O Lord to be offended with thee And the Lord wrought this resolution in my Soul that I did protest before the Lord that although I should see nothing but Hell before me yet I would trust in him and stay my self upon my God until he pleased to send me deliverance I made my case known to a dear friend who gave me some comfort he told me that the sin against the Holy Ghost was to sin wilfully by perpetual despite against God I found a clear testimony in my conscience that I was so far from despiting the Spirit of grace that I had not sinned willingly against God for I found it to be an affliction to me to be rempted with evil thoughts touching the Lord tho' I consented not to them and I found my Soul grieved that I could not be freed from them And then with abundance of tears by often prayers and supplications to the Throne of Grace I poured forth my sinful Soul at the foot-stool of Gods mercy exalting free grace and pleading the unspeakable riches of the mercies of God that would appear in the conversion of such a sinner as I had been Methoughts it seemed to exalt Gods mercy and to be one of the greatest manifestations of free grace in the world to be to the great glory of the Lord and unspeakable comfort of my poor Soul if he would be pleased to bring me to himself Now when by the Divine power of God my heart was thus resolved to trust in him and to wait upon him then the Lord was pleased to shew me to my comfort the example of Jesus Christ who had no sin in himself yet he was tempted of the Devil And likewise of Paul how Satan sent sent a messenger to buffet him who then prayed unto God and the Lord said my grace is sufficient for thee my power is made known in thy weakness Then I began to be comforted and to think if Christ himself was tempted if the children of God who had been eminent examples had lain under temptations and the Lord according to his promises had strengthned and delivered them there was hope for me And the Lord wrought faith in my heart to believe that he would strengthen me and keep me that I should not perish for ever And I have since found great consolation in many promises which the Lord hath revealed in his Word which I have pleaded before him some of which follow Isaiah 50.10 Who is among you that feareth the Lord and obeyeth the voice of his Servant that walketh in darkness and hath no light let him trust in the name of the Lord and stay upon his God I applyed this promise thus I had walked in darkness and saw no light but God had wrought in my heart to fear him and a willingness to obey my Savâ—our and a resolution to trust in the name of the Lord therefore I knew it was not in vain to stay my self upon my God And Matth. 12.20 It is said by Christ A bruised reed shall he not break and smoaking flax shall he not quench till he send forth judgment unto victory The Lord having broken and bruised me in the sense of sin and drawn forth my heart to rely upon him I believed that he would in the end give me victory through
of the love of God in Christ Jesus whereby I did find much comfort to my Soul and since hearing some able Ministers of the Gospel hold forth most precious truths I found much comfort And more particularly Mr. Bridges of Yarmouth opening that comfortable Scripture Pfal 41.11 Why art thou cast down O my Soul why art thou disquieted within me trust in God c. His Doctrine was That a godly man had no just cause to be discouraged whatsoever his condition was either the sence of sin or the temptations of Satan or trouble or afflictions that a man had cause to be humbled for the least sin but not to be discouraged at the greatest from trusting in God but to rely upon the Lord by Faith in Christ whatsoever his disincouragements were which hath since caused me to walk in a thankful posture towards God for his unspeakable mercy and It is my great grief that I can be no more thankful seeing I have received so much mercy from God whom I do daily offend which hath made me with Paul to cry out O wretched man that I am who shall deliver me from this body of death But that the next words produce comfort blessed be God through Jesus Christ Yet after this it pleased God to suffer me to fall into a sinful condition by being too confident in my own strength which fall cost me abundance of tears sighs and sobbings of heart even as David said to the breaking and drying of my bones It made me walk sadly for many months together even to despair of any help And seeing I had brought so much dishenour to God and scandal to the Gospel and reproach to the Professors thereof this did much press my soul Considering what a Professor I was before in standing for the glory of God and opposing all gainsayers and for me to fall Oh! this did make such gashes in my soul that the consideration thereof caused rue to walk sadly and sorrowfully and with so much shame that I could not indure to go in the streets But that urgent necessity forc'd me to go out for comfort Then it pleased God by special providence to east me under Dr. Homes his Ministry and he treated on that subject concerning backsliding out of Jer. 14 v. 7. O Lord though our iniquities testify against us yet do thou it for thy name sake for our back slidings are many c. which Sermon was by the working of the Spirit of God effectual unto me for I was almost under despair before but the Lord was pleased to give me much comfort from this Doctrine That Saints may be guilty of many backslidings yet they should not despair for that was a greater sin The Doctor made this Use That if Saints might break their peace wicked and unregenerate men might break their necks A second use was that a Saint should beware of backsliding and make all speed to go to Jesus Christ for more strength to keep and uphold him for the future This did give me some comfort and caused me to set upon the work of seeking to Jesus Christ more earnestly because Christ told Paul that his grace was sufficient for him I had rested in that little mustard-seed-faith I had before but now it did begin to spring and blossom to the praise and glory of Jesus Christ that he should as it were snatch me as a Brand out of those burnings of Hell and establish my poor soul by his free grace to see all my iniquities laid to the charge of Christ as Isa 53. v. 5. All we like sheep have gone astray we have turned every one to his own way and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all Which Scripture being opened by a worthymember of that Church Mr. F. it did much strengthen my Faith in the Application when I came to consider First That it was iniquity that the Lord Jehovah laid on Christ Secondly That it was my iniquity that was thus laid on him Thirdly that it was the Lord himself that did lay it on him And Fourthly That the Lord had done it already it was not now to do All these points did much comfort me seeing they were back'd by Scripture and such a caution given by the Apostle Paul Heb. 3.12 saying Take heed lest there be found in you an evil heart of unbelief c. Which is a great sin and plague to any poor Soul this wrought much with me but then applying several other Scriptures to the everlasting praise of Jehovah and to Jesus Christ my Saviour this scripture was produced in Psal 68.16 compared with the Apostles words speaking of Christ Thoâ— hast ascended up on high and led captivity captive and received gifts for men even rebellious ones that the Lord God may dwell amongst them And that of Ezek. 16.7,8,9,10 A precious Scripture for troubled souls to be meditated on for comfort That a man being in his filth and guilt and all over with blood nay when no eye would pity him that then was a time of love to his soul Oh! mercy and free grace indeed Theâ— again considering The new Covenant to open blind eyes and to bring prisners out of prison to the glorious light and liberty of the sons of God and his proclamation Isa 55. Hâ—every one that thirsteth come and in that of Joh. 6. v. 37. him that cometh to Christ he hath promised in no wise to cast out Though thy sins he as Crimson and Searlet yea of such a deep dye as that with Paul I may say to be chief of sinners yet it pleased God to give me in refreshment from he same Scripture About two years since Providence cast my Lot at Westminster where I heard Mr. W. and having observed many honest people at hearing of the Word I then sought to the Lord by earnest prayer so to direct me by his blessed Spirit that my only aims might be for his glory the good of others and with comfort to my own soul It pleased the Lord to direct my heart notwithstanding all opposition of Satan and the persuasion of some others to resolve and to break through all opposition and difficulties and to joyn in the worship of the Lord God of our Fathers and so walk in his ways according to the strictest rule of the Gospel of Jesus Christ held forth in his Word M. H. XXXIV EXPERIENCES of L. P. ABout twenty years since I being then with Child was much troubled at some thoughts which God put into my mind touching my conversation which lay so fore and heavy upon me that I could not tell what to do Because I saw though I endeavoured as much as I could to do my duty to my God yet I was not able to live as I should and then I began to know what the worm of conscience meant I feeling what until then I was ignorant of and the blackness of my spirit was such with the burden of my troubled and afflicted soul that I could
not at that time take comfort in any thing and had I not been with child affected with natural inclination to the Babe in my womb I had been in danger had not God prevented me to have destroyed my self for I had some temptations that way but my God strengthened me yet before I was brought to bed I found peace and comfort and through grace had such settlement in my spirit that I could with joy night and day call upon my God believingly but before I attained to this I had many sore conflicts until after some considerations that the Lord had put into my mind as first touching the child that I went with because God hath said The just and innocent slay thou not and then considering the innocency of the child it became a means to stay my hand from laying violence upon my self Yet for a time I was much troubled in spirit till God gave me peace from these and other Scriptureâ— promises where the Lord saith Call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver thee thou shalt glorify me Psal 50.15 Sin shall not have dominion over you for ye are noâ— under the Law but under grace Rom. 6.14 Now the testimonies of my conversion and true believing in which I hope I have a seal of my Interest in the Lord Iesus are these 1. My love to God which is real sincere and hearty desiring him above any thing else whatsoever 2. My relying upon Jesus Christ having nothing of my own to rest upon I fly to him and rest oâ— him for all as my alone Saviour and Redeemer 3. I delight to read the holy Word of God and to hear or other wise to partake thereof in which I find much comfort 4. The comfort which I find by inlargement of my soul when God comes in under the means in dutys and the loathnesse I have to be deprived of the Ordinances 5. The Peace I find with my God in my soul which is sweet though not without much heaviness of spirit for my failings I do not live without waines and changes in my Spiritual life and faith towards the Lord for sometimes I trust God with all and at other times I meet with some donbtings yet blessed be God I find them more and more asswaged and my communion with Christ every day more sweet and full 6. I doubt not but the Lord Jesus Christ my Redeemer will so support me through his Grace that what ever my condition hath been or shall be here I shall not fail of salvation through Christ in heaven for ever L. P. XXXV Experiences of F. P. I Have been troubled at the thoughts of my corruptions and wretched condition I have formerly had some doubtings touchings the Scriptures whether they were truth or not but have been since troubled that I made those foolish doubtings to question Gods word and was so wounded in my Conscience for my sin therein that I feared I should be damned for it because I thought it was a sin that God would not pardon I had also strange thoughts about the sinful wayes of ungodly people and considering how loosely people live I and temptations to perswade me that surely there was some easier way to Heaven then the Scriptures had laid down or then I had learnt But for these evil thoughts of mine I have been so afflicted in my spirit that I thought I was a damned wretch I have been tempted by these blasphemous thoughts against the Lord which have so afflicted me that sometimes I feared the Devil would fetch me away and carry me to Hell and I have thought sometimes that surely God could not in justice pardon such sinnes as I have committed I have also been tempted to make away my self but the Lord God put me in mind to consider that it would not give me ease or comfort but be the way to enter into endless miseries And thus I lay afflicted with a most sad trouble some spirit for about a year yet though with little hope from my present sence I had desires that God would save me and some groanings I had after him And in his time which is best I began to find inlargement of heart from God and a great longing for Christ which encreased through the working of his glorious power so that me thought I could have been content to have gone through all the miseries in the World to have enjoyed him And in my sleep I dreamed that I saw my Saviour lying in a Grave and after again I saw him risen from death when I awaked and had some thoughts about my dream I found comfort in my soul and begun more sweetly to hope that Christ Jesus dyed for my sins and is risen again for my justification but the Devil who goes about like a roaring Lyon did still tempt me so that I was again ready to despair for my former evil thoughts and I was afraid that Satan would have me and I doubted that God had no part in me which caused me to weep much and I was exceedingly troubled and sometimes thought that verily I heard the Devil coming in a Whirlwind for me and so terrified was my conscience that from the thoughts of the wrath which I feared I could have wished my self a Beast a Dog or any thing because their misery would have an end But aftermany comfortable discourses with friends and reading some godly books that came to my hands the Lord God in time delivered me from those temptations and hath since comforted me with these Promises to the great joy of my heart though some times I have not been without some doubtings The Lord hath said Be content with such things as ye have for he hath said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee so that I may boldly say the Lord is my helper Heb. 13.5,6 The Lord saith sin shall not have dominion over you Rom. 6.14 This hath often given me much comfort and kept up my soul when I have been ready to despair And Christ saith I will pray the Father and he shall give you another comforter that he may abide with you for ever even the Spirit of truth John 14.16,17 And I have this testimony of my interest in Christ by faith wrought by his blessed Spirit in me 1 I see such a frailty in my flesh that except the Lord send his holy Spirit to inable me I cannot do any thing of my duty to God of my self it is the Spirit of the Lord and not any thing in me that is the foundation of my comfort 2. I have had many times if my heart deceive me not clear testimonies and evidences that I love God more than any thing else and desire him above all 3. I desire much to hear the Word and am troubled that sometimes it doth not so pierce into my heart as I desire 4. I have sometimes such sweet comforts and enlargements in my soul that I find much peace with God thereby which I
walks upright that sees the wonderful works of God and has the uses of his sense and reason should use them to the defying of his Creator But tho' this was a good beginning towards my Conversion to find my Conscience touched for my sins yet it went off again yet all my life long I had a secret value and reverence for an honest man and lov'd Morality in others but I had formed an odd Scheme of Religion to my self which would solve all that God or Conscience might force upon me yet I was not ever well reconciled to the business of Religion nor had that reverence for the Gospel as I ought to have This Estate of mind continued till the 53. chapter of Isaiah was read to him wherein there is a lively discription of the sufferings of our saviour and the benefits thereof and some other portions of Scripture by the power and efficacy of which word assisted by his holy spirit God so wrought upon his heart that he declared that the mysteries of the Passion appeared so clear and plain to him as ever any thing did that was represented in a glass so that the joy and admiration which possessed his soul upon the reading of Gods word to him was remarkable to all about him and he had so much delight in his Testimonies that he begged his mother and Lady to read the same to him frequently and was unsatisfied notwithstanding his great pains and weakness till he had learned especialy the 53. chapter of Isaiah with out book comparing this prophecy with the Passion of Christ in the Evangelists and observing that it was clearly foretold by the Prophet some hundred of years before it was accomplished and this consideration had such mighty influence upon his soul and strengthned his faith that afterward he never had the least doubt about the certainty of the Gospel and eternal salvation by Jesus Christ He said the in the first verse of that chapter the prophet declared what great opposition the Doctrine of Christ Crucified would meet with in the world from such obstinate sinners as he was who hath believed our report and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed And that the lowliness of his condition and person upon earth would cause weak and inconsidering men to undervalue him because he did not appear with the vain splendor pomp wherin they were pleased This he said was plainly predicted in the second verse He hath no form of comliness and when we shall see him there is no beauty that we should desire him At the same time discoursing of the manner of his youth up which all men knew was too too much devoted to the service of sin and that the lusts of the flesh of the eye and the pride of life had captivated him He was very large and particular in his acknowledgments about it and more ready to accuse himself than any other could be Publickly crying out O Blesse God can such an horrid creature as I am be accepted by thee who has denied thy Being and contemned thy Power can there be Pardon and mercy for me will God own such a wretch as I am shall the unspeakable joys of heaven be conferred upon me O Mighty Saviour never but through thine infinite love and satisfaction O never but by the purchase of thy blood Adding that withall abhorrency he did reflect upon his former course of life that sincerely and from his heart he did repent of all that folly and madness which he had committed He had a true and lively sense of God's great mercy to him in strikeing his hard heart and laying his conscience open which hitherto had been deaf to all God's calls and methods saying If that God who dyed for Great as well as Lesser sinners did not speedily apply his infinite merits to his poor soul his wound was such as no man could conceive or bear Crying out that he was the vilest wretch and Dog that the sun shined upon or the earth bore that now he saw his error in not living up to that Reason which God had endued him with and which he had unworthily vilified and centemned wishing that he had been a starving Leper crawling in a ditch that he had been a link boy or a beggar or for his whole lifetime confined to a Dungeon rather than thus to have sinned against his God His faith was remarkable in an hearty embraceing and pious Confession of all the Articles of the Christian Religion and all the Divine mysteries of the Gospel saying that the absurd and foolish Philosophy which the world so much admired propogated by the late Mr. Hobs and others had undone him and many more of the best Parts in the nation who without Gods great mercy may never it may be attain to such a serious repentance as his was He faithfully adhered to and cast himself entirely upon the mercies of Jesus Christ and the free grace of God declared to repenting sinners thro' him with a thankful remembrance of his life Death and resurrection begging of God to strengthen his faith and often crying out Lord I believe help thou mine unbelief He had a mighty love for and esteem of the holy Scriptures which he had formerly too much slighted and ridicul'd taking up resolutions to read them frequently and meditate upon them if God should spare him having already tasted the good word for having spoken to his heart he acknowledged all the seeming absurdities and contradictions thereof fancied by men of corrupt and reprobate judgments were vanished and their excellencies and beauty appeared being come to receive the truth in the love of it He was extraordinary servent and frequent in his prayers and supplications and often called upon others to pray for and with him or to read the Scriptures to him and toward the end of his sickness would heartily desire God to pardon his infirmities if he should not be so wakeful Intent thro' the duty as he wished to be and that tho' the flesh was weak yet the Spirit was willing and hoped God would accept that He continually beseeched God by his grace and Holy Spirit to sustain him and to keep him from all evil thoughts from all temptations and Diabolical suggestions and every thing that might be prejudicial to that religious temper of mind which God had now so happily endued him withal Crying out one night especially how terribly the Tempter did assault him by casting upon him leud and wicked imaginations but I thank God said he I abhor them all and by the power of his grace which I am sure is sufficient for me I have overcome them t' is the malice of the Devil because I am rescued from him and the goodness of God that frees me from all my spiritual enemies He was very joyful at his Lady's conversion from Popery being as he termed it a faction supported only by fraud and cruelty which was done by her with deliberation and mature judgment He was