am guilty before Gods justice in my self both by original sin which came by the fall of Adam and much more by those many actual sins which I have personally committed but I am justified by Christ 14. I desire to shew my dutiful love in obedience to my Fathers commands and my affections according to the rule of the Gospel to Christ my Husband with whom I am spiritually marryed 15. The Lord saith Come out from amongst them all ye my people and be ye separated and touch no unclean thing and I will be your God and ye shall be my people And if I regard iniquity in my heart the Lord will not hear my prayers I take God to witness who knows the secrets of all hearts that I desire to joyn in duties not to the end that others should have a good opinion of me I know I must leave all worldly relations how soon I know not but herein I shall have peace that I do as my Father hath commanded me and I rejoyce in Christ Jesus putting no confidence in the flesh but only in the merits of my Saviour M. M. XXVI Experiences of H. W. WHen my God appeared through his grace to shine by his sacred Spirit into my dark Soul my thoughts were much taken up in consâ—deration of my sad and deplorable condition under â—â—e curse by nature yet so that I did withal see enough in Christ to deliver me from all if I did attain to a true belief But my perplexed Soul drank deep of the bitter dreggs of a sorrowful cup before I could tast of the sweet cordials my blessed Saviour had prepared for me wherewith I have since been often refreshed My conscience told me that if I ever expected deliverance from sin death and hell and to have favour with God I must devote my heart to him alone But yet I found the love of some worldly vanities rooted so fast in my affections that I did often put God off and had an eye to some worldly contents which deprived me for that time of enjoying peace in his presence I often said Lord such a day I will leave all and never seek my self but thy glory in all things and then again Lord after such a merry meeting then I will shake hands with all temporal delights and again now Lord once more I will have but one day of pleasure and then I will part with all that offends thee and not seek after any thing out of thee more But for a time all this proved but unfaithfulness to my Saviour and wounds to my own Spirit the sense whereof did sadly terrifie my conscience My Soul was much cast down and I sat up a great part of many nights when all the Family where I then lived was in bed and with an heavy heart and floods of tears gushing from my sorrowful eyes I was exceedingly disquieted pouring forth mine heart to my God and begging mercy at the footstool of the Throne of grace And that which was the greatest horror upon my Spirit was that I could not manifest my believing by a pious spiritual conversation in a faithful obedience according to the sacred rule of the Gospel When I have had resolutions for worldly pleasures to satisfie the desires of nature it hath taken away the comfort of my heart from spiritual duties in the interim But I found in my Soul a great conffict in wrastling against those sad temptations my conscience convincing me how great an enemy I was to my Soul therein and testifying that it would be infinitely better to leave all the vain things of the world than to live without the love of my Saviour But when my God was pleased to bring my heart to a frame to resolve seriously never to delay with God a moment more my heart was so fixed on my Saviour that I saw a sufficiency in him under any dispensation I tasted a greater sweetness in the graces of his Spirit than in any temporal pleasure And I found much of the love grace spirit and power of my dear Saviour appearing to refresh my troubled Soul And I have found much comfort from divers promises of the Lord and particularly Isa 49.8 8. I will preserve thee and give thee for a Covenant of the people to establish the earth and to cause to inherit the desolate heritages That thou mayest say to the Prisoners go forth to them that are in darkness shew your selves Though I was before a Prisoner to worldly vanities and shut up in darkness yet Christ being sent to declare the Covenant to such I found good warrant to apply it to my self Ezek. 34.22 Therefore will I save my flock and they shall be no more a prey This Salvation I applyed as promised to me considering that though I was a sinful man yet it was my comfort that the Lord was my God vers 31. And ye my flock the flock of my pasture are men and I am your God Mat. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled God having given me an heart to hunger and thirst after my Saviour and my God above all things I believe this promise was made to me with many more which gave much sweet comfort and consolation to my Soul And being justified by faith I have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ the testimony of which faith is sealed to my Soul by his blessed Spirit in these Demonstrations 1. I find many evident testimonies of the love of God to me which hath drawn forth my Soul to an high esteem of him and to love him above all things 2. I see nothing but sin in my self and my trust is in my Saviours merits for justification 3. I feel glorious refreshments from the heavenly gales of Gods blessed Spirit breathing his grace into my Soul which is the highest bliss I can desire on this side Heaven 4. I find much comfort from the Word and Ordinances 5. My chief desire in all thsngs is to glorifie God 6. I find a very great affection in my heart to the people of God or any that I judge so to be 7. I desire to be at peace with and do all the good I can to all especially those of the houshold of Faith 8. I can heartily beg of the Lord to give me deliverance from and strength against every sin though never so pleasing to my nature or which I am most prone to 9. I find no such full joy in any thing as I do in communion with my God 10. I see a purity and glory in the ways of God and Gospel-duties above all things 11. I desire no longer to live than to glorifie God 12. All the days of my appointed time I wait till my change shall come H. W. XXVII Experiences of D. R. IT hath pleased the Lord ever since I knew a difference between good and evil to give me a heart to seek after those things which savoured most of God And it was
my faith was true but doubted that surely I had presumed upon false grounds and was much perplexed yet now it pleased God in the midst of my distress to bring to my mind these words The Spirit saith come and the Bride saith come and every one that will come drink of the water of life freely I said of my self I cannot come But I prayed Lord draw me and I shall run after thee And this word was cast into my Soul by the Lord My grace is sufficient for thee only do thou believe And God hath now wrought faith in me and by the testimony of his Spirit hath sealed his love in Christ to me working in my heart so to love him that I have cast my self wholly upon him H. C. XXXI Experiences of T. R. Mariner AT the Age of two and twenty being in the Streights I was taken by the merciless Turks but the power of the Lord delivered me out of captivity by a miraculous way unexpected The Lord giving me grace to call on him gave me a gracious answer That he would never leave me nor forsake me In the War with France on the Coast of Guinea I was taken by a French Man of War and was greatly afflicted for want of food and raiment and other hardships which they laid on me to have turned to their Catholick Religion yet the Lord still promised me that he would give me a deliverance out of their merciless hands who made good his promise to me in a short time blessed be his holy name After this I went a Voyage to Brasile and our Ship being laden we did intend for Portugal but they detained us a whole year so that our Ship was all eaten with worms and we were fain to keep pumping for nine months but the longer the worse for in our passage homeward we could not tell which death to chuse either to starve or to be drowned for our Victuals was so small that for one year and more we had no bread in our Ship but eat the roots of Trees made into a substance like Oatmeal and for Beef one ounce for a man a day which stunk so that none could have eat it but men in our case for Drink we were glad of a pint of water a day during the time of our passage which was seventeen weeks but in this passage we saw the wonderful works of God for he sent us for three eeks in seasonable times fish called Dolphins sometimes two or three in a day And as we grew within three hundred Leagues of the Coast of Portugal and our Provision near spent only three or four days left and all our men sick and weak and almost starved it pleased God of his great mercy to send us a Ship of Flushing a Man of War who proved to us as Joseph to the children of Israel for they brought us Victuals which saved our lives and after they had taken our Ship they were fain to put on board forty men to keep her from sinking for it pleased God that the next day after we had a violent Storm and a great Sea broke upon her so that we thought she would never have recovered her self again for our goods did shut all to one side and so she was fain to go untill she came to Flushing but we poor creatures were in great peril and danger of our Lives and yet the Lord comforted me by his Promise That he would bring me to shore and would deliver my life from death and my eyes from tears and he hath done graciously with me above my deserts and inabled me above my strength and delivered me aâ— my hope therefore will I praise him without measure and magnifie his name without end Three years after this being on the Coast of Ireland it pleased the Lord to raise a violent Storm and in the morning by the dawning of the day we were so near the Shore that to mans judgment there was nothing but death approaching for we knew no place of that Land by reason of the Fogg and Rain that we had all the day and knew not where to go but as the Lord who is the Pilot of Pilots did carry us untill four a clock at Night which in December is dark and then we came to a great high head-land and a little without that lay a great sand so that we could not go any other way but betwixt them being then past all hopes of life we forced her through the Sea so that it brake over our heads insomuch that we could not tell whether we were in the Sea or the Bark but by our feet and hands for we could not see for the violence of the water only he that was at the Helm And yet in the space of a quarter of an hour we were in a safe place newly taken out of the jaws of death So that I of all men have great cause to be always rendring thanks to my God for his continual and most sweet favours unto me sinful wretched and empty man void of all spiritual goodness Furthermore I being after this in a Ship of 300 Tuns lying on the Coast of Virginia wind-bound the space of seven weeks it pleased God to visit our people with the Pestilential Feaver and the Callenture which is a violent Feaver or Madness at first and we had in our Ship two hundred thirty five Souls at that time and it was the will and pleasure of God that we had a hundred of them sick at one time so that we had but few to look 〈◊〉 â—he sick and were in great want of Provisions yet we knew not whether to go but it pleased God to raise a great Storm so that a great Sea brake into our main Sail and we had two foot water between Decks and our poor sick people cryed out they were drowned but within an hour after by the mercy of God we had fair weather and fair wind and within three or four days God set us safe on Land to our great joy and comfort that before were almost past hopes so that he caused us to say with the Prophet David It was good for me that I was afflicted And yet have another choice mercy to make known of what God hath done for me for he hath now called me out of the world but not out of the Land of the living he hath also opened my eyes and made clear my understanding with Mary to chuse the better part and whatsoever the World or Satan can cast upon me it shall all turn to my good for I know that my Redeemer liveth and him my Soul desires to bless and praise which I trust I shall do till my change cometh as God shall inable me and the Lord strengthen my faith XXXII Experiences of T. G. IT hath pleased the Lord God of his own free mercy and love in Jesus Christ to prevent and keep me ever since I was born from many thousand dangers and yet I like an unruly Creature
when I came to the place I looked upon the Child and considered with my self what shall I destroy my self and my poor Child and cryed out unto God Lord what wilt thou have me to do and had a sore conflict at that time with the Devil but me thought at last I heard the Lord say to my Soul as he did to Paul Trust in me my grace is sufficient for thee And then I found some comfort which inlarged my heart through the assistance of Gods Spirit to call upon the name of the Lord for further assistance and comfort and so I went back again with much joy believing that I should have the favour of God And the Lord put it into my mind to go to one E. B. that dwelt by a Moor side near Leeds whom I knew was a godly Woman and she opened to me the troubles of David and Job and gave me sweet comfort saying God was by me and I did not see him and as Job wished so she wrought upon my heart to wish O that I could see him O that I could behold him and my heart was full of joy and I cryed and was much grieved with very great repentance that I had been so seduced and did so despair of Gods mercies and had been so blinded And the Lord set it upon my spirit that though I had laid all aside yet now I should come out of the Wilderness leaning on my Beloved and I had a greater affection to the ways of God than ever and delighted in them more than ever Before they were a burthen to me now they were easie and sweet Being at York I heard a Minister there out of Hosea 2. preach that which wrought much comfort in me and that Christ had promised to betroth himself to every Believer And then and since I have much joy in the promises of God and can through the Spirit of God which I find and feel in my heart lay hold by faith on them as my particular interest As Rom. 10.4 Christ is the end of the Law for righteousness to every one that believeth Christ by hss Spirit hath wrought belief in me both in his promises and threatnings and to live according to his Word therefore I conclude that I shall be saved by the righteousness of my Saviour Rom. 9.4 Who are Israelites to whom pertaineth the adoption and the glory and the covenants and the giving of the Law and the service of God and the promises I know that every Believer is a true Israelite and brought under the Covenant of grace by Jesus Christ and that therefore the promises of grace and salvation belong to me Rom. 3.21 22. But now the righteousness of God without the Law is manifested being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets even the Righteousness of God which is by Faith of Jesus unto all and upon all them that believe for there is no difference I being one whom God hath drawn to believe it is manifested unto me that I have an interest in the Righteousness of Jesus Christ to justifie me before God by his merits which are made mine by faith Hosea 2.19 20. I will betroth thee unto me sor ever yea I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness and in judgment and in loving kindness and in mereies I will even betroth thee unto me in saithsulness and thou shalt know the Lord. I find great comfort from this promise in that the Lord doubles and trebles his Promises and enlargeth himself so freely to the Soul And as testimonies of my real conversion to God and union with Jesus Christ and that reconciliaon is made between God and my Soul I find these real evidences wrought by Gods blessed Spirit in me 1. I find in my heart great love to God that when God saith Seek my face my heart rejoyns again saying thy face Lord will I seek And I find nothing so dear to me as the love of God and if my heart deceive me not I could bear and suffer any thing to bring glory to God accounting all things but dung and dross below Christ 2. When any thing of the flesh ariseth against the motions of Gods Spirit to draw me from good or to do evil I find frequently the power of the Spirit to subdue my heart not to submit to the flesh but to walk in his way and yet I am so sensible of my infirmities that all that I do or can do is nothing but as filthy rags but I know Jesus Christ is my Saviour and stands engaged for me and when the flesh is weakest I find the Spirit thirsteth after God 3. I find in my heart a very great thirsting after the Ordinances and a great enlargment of heart and comfort in them my heart being delighted to be among the people of God and full of joy in them 4. When thoughts of want at any time arise I find full satisfaction in the better part which never can be taken from me which is my interest in Jesus Christ And I find in my Conscience a great testimony of my Spiritual union with God and that I am so separated from the world in my affections that God hath drawn me to himself 5. God who searcheth the heart knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit because he maketh intercession for the Saints according to the will of God which will of God I find a free submission to in my heart with joy knowing that all things shall work together for good to them that love God 6. It is the chiefest desire of my heart that God would keep me close to my duty and I have abundance of joy in communion with the Lord which is more sweet to me than my joy in any thing else 7. I delight much to speak of God and of his ways and to use what means I can to comfort the Saints whom I love dearly and if possible to convert sinners D. M. XIX Expertences of Ae. L. I Had lately great grief upon my spirit about a Daughter which was brought to great sufferings and by reason of her going away in her affliction I thought she had made away her self God put it into my thoughts to remember my sins and that he had laid this affliction upon me for neglecting my duty to him and not serving him as I ought This caused great sorrow in me and made me abundantly shed tears my sins I thought were the occasion that the Lord made her so great a cross to me for which I had deserved it so that both became a great grief to my Soul and thus I lay languishing in very great sorrow Then I began to think with my self that there is no refuge but only in Christ and I consulted my thoughts how to go to good company and meetings where I might find comfort from the people of God And about two years since one morning I came to Mr. S. to joyn with godly people that came thither to prayer though with a great deal of
refreshments And from a Sermon preached by Dr. â—sher That the Lord is the shield and defence of those that trust in him I had some comfortable hopes in the Lords mercies but I found many doubtings still yet about seven years since Master Tompson made a Sermon at Liverpoole then besieged shewing That we must lay hold on the Lord and hold fast and he will lead us through all Troubles and soon after it was lost and many were killed but I bless God I had no hurt at all which did much comfort me that the Lord of his mercy had delivered me I did and still do hope that the Lord had a mind to save me and to draw me nearer to himself which together with some other deliverances of the Lords great mercy I took great comfort in so that when I had scarce bread and water and I have been streightned since yet I found still comfort from the Lord for my self and to be an instrument to help others who were prisoners And the Lord then and since hath by his Spirit comforted me with several Promises which I praise God I can apply to my self by which I have a testimony of my true belief some of which are these which follow Gen. 15.1 The Word of the Lord came unto Abraham in a vision saying Fear not Abraham I am thy shield and thy exceeding great reward I had found the Lord to be my shield in those many deliverances he had wrought for me and had taken away that distrustful fear which before was upon me and therefore I was and still am confident he will be my exceeding great reward Psal 119.57 Thou art my portion O Lord I have said that I would keep thy words The same God wrought in my heart to say with David that I would keep thy Word O Lord and tho I cannot as I should yet my desire is to keep it my mind is to keep it therefore I presume with David to say Thou art my portion O Lord. John 15.5 Christ saith I am the Vine ye are the Branches he that abideth in me and I in him the same bringeth forth much fruit for without me ye can do nothing I know my self to be nothing without Christ and though I have infirmities yet my heart abides in Christ And therefore I hope to find righteousness and salvation not in my self but in Christ desiring also that I may bring forth fruit as a branch in him Rom. 8.1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus who walk not after the flesh but after the spirit I find my self to be one of those who walk in my heart in the ways of God to which I am led by his Spirit and not after the flesh and though I cannot serve God so well as I would I do as well as I can and am troubled in my spirit for my failings and therefore I believe I shall never be condemned And I have these testimonies of my conversion and sincere love to God as the fruits of my faith 1. The Lord hath by his Spirit manifested to my Soul that the Wisdom of the Spirit is life and peace and hath wrought that peace in my heart that I do not desire any way to break from it for any other enjoyments whatsoever 2. This I desire to be built upon that I may find Christ to be my life and peace 3. I find that the Lord hath greatly wrought upon me and my mind is fully affected with the Lord out of whom I do not care for any thing that is in the World 4. My desire is wholly to serve God and leave all things in the World as vain trifles for the enjoyment of him 5. My love is so much to God in Christ that having him I know I have all things and without him I have nothing 6. I find that I have great comfort and am much refreshed by Ordinances a sense of the Spirit is frequently brought upon my heart and I have received a great deal of comfort therein when I have been weak and it hath been a refreshing to me when food hath been scant And particularly from several Sermons preached by Mr. Whitaker Mr. Marshal Mr. Carter and others as also Mr. P. Dr. Homes Mr. W. and at other meetings of godly people 7. I find that the comfort of the Ordinances are more sweet to me than all the pleasures riches or friends in the world for they are contenting comforts and so are not worldly things 8. I could find in my heart willingly to dye and leave Children Brothers Sisters and all the World besides to go to my Christ J.B. XXI Experiences of A. J. WHen it pleased God to call my Husband from me I was for a time as exceedingly cast down and troubled as I think any poor creature could be in which I was so overwhelmed that I did not know which way to turn my self nor what to do yet was seeking the Lord to find out what was his mind in the thing I had lost a good estate had no body to look after my business had many injured me and had lost above the rest a pious Husband whom I intirely loved yet the Lord put it into my heart that all this was to wean me from my sins and too much doting upon an Husband and other worldly enjoyments which my heart was too much taken up with therefore the Lord was pleased to strip me of them in a great measure to bring me nearer to himself I went to divers places to hear several Ministers and by waiting upon the Ordinances to seek after the Lord if possible I might find comfort and satisfaction to my Soul herein but continued in much affliction upon my spirit for near a years time at last I heard Master Jenkins preaching out of the 21. Chapter of John the 18. and 19. verses Verily Verily I say unto thee when thou wast young thou girdedst thy self and walkedst whether thou wouldest but when thou shalt be old thou shalt stretch forth thy hands and another shall gird thee and carry thee whither thou wouldest not This spake he signifying by what death he should glorifie God The consideration of which dispensation from God to him drew forth my heart to be contented with whatsoever the Lord should be pleased to lay upon me And I was satisfied to suffer or bear any thing in that it was the Lords will to glorifie himself by such dispensations towards the Saints And the Lord hath since made me as he did David to be contented as well with his Rod as with his staff and then and since I praise the Lord I can say with David It was well for me that I was afflicted I was comforted with that example of ahe woman in the Gospel to whom it was said by Christ that it is not lawful to take the childrens bread and cast it to dogs in that I could say with her Truth Lord but the dogs may lick the crums that
my God will hear me Mich. 7.7 And I have found much comfort in applying several promises to my Soul As Matth. 5.4 Christ saith Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted As God hath given me a mourning Spirit for my sins so I believe that in his time I shall be comforted and I have tasted I bless God of the comforts of his Spirit in my Soul Isaiah 55.1 The Lord saith Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no mony come ye buy and eat yea come buy wine and milk without mony and without price As the Lord hath made my Soul to thirst for him so I doubt not but to find him And the Lord says Ezek. 33.11 As I live I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his way and live I thank God my heart and soul is turned from all things and is only after the Lord. And in a special manner I have found sweet evidences of my faith and interest in God through Christ I had lately much comfort from a Sermon preached by Mr. Strong who shewed that afflictions did not make us low in the sight of God though before men as also from the words at a conference by Mr. V. That in the World we shall have tribulations but in God rest And 1. I do clearly find that my love is more set upon God than upon any thing 2. I could more willingly leave the world now than ever before and I could willingly dye if God saw it good in the mind I am 3. I find in my heart that I do so cast my self upon God that I have peace with him 4. In times of doubtings I find comfort that I have a God to call upon and I find much peace in my mind in returns from God 5. I do always find when any evil thoughts arise a power from God which subdues them so that I never willingly give way to them 6. I find my affections ready to go forth both to duties and in duties to God and when I come to them with little affection yet I bless God I find a great deal of comfort usually before I go away 7. I find the most comfort to my spirit is when I am weeping for my infirmities or at prayer or duties in publick or private and methinks I find such joy in them that I could dwell there having no comfort in the world like that 8. I find in my heart a real love to all if any have wronged me I desire no revenge but that I may be at peace with all 9. Whatsoever I find to be a truth from God and a motion of his Spirit I find in my soul a willingn submitting to it A. A. XXIII Experiences of E. C. ABout 16. years of Age though I did not understand the Word yet I had a great desire to go to hear because they served God therin that did sâ— knowing that there is a God that ought to be served And I sat in corners studying what way I might come to God if I should dye having a very grear affection wrought by the Lord upon my spirit praying as well as I could that my self and my Father and Mother and Friends might go to God when we dye And I was very much set upon duties thinking to find God there but afterwards lived in a Family where I was much hindred from the Ordinances or partaking of any thing of God which was a great grief unto me Yet sometimes I had thoughts towards worldly things pondering how to be rich or fine as others but God wrought in my heart a remorse to check those temptations And frequently the Lord laid some affliction or other upon me to wean me the more from such vain thoughts which brought my heart into a very sad condition many times and sometimes I have wept day and night And at other times through grief that I could not sorrow enough I have fallen into a great measure of weeping After I had lived in several other Families where I had little comfort About twenty years since hearing Mr. F. and Mr. P. on Lords-days I was much comforted and also by Mr. Marshall and others and from the consideration of the Love of God in Christ and the sufferings of Christ for us as also of the Woman that did but by Faith touch the hem of Christs garment how she was comforted and healed and I had much comfort in private meetings But about five years since seeing my other Neighbours many of them flourish and prosper in the World more than I I began to doubt that I did but play the Hypocrite and that perhaps they did pray more at home than I though I knew some of them went less to the publick Ordinances I was very much troubled at this and thought with my self Lord shall I still lye at the Pool and find no body to put me in that I may be healed and I was much troubled because many of my Neighbours hated me for frequenting private meetings And for above a month I spent much time in private prayer and often in the night upon my Bed and went to hear only on the Lords-days But then I had thoughts upon me that it was not pleasing to God to pray unto him upon a soft Bed Then the Lord put it in my heart that he had promised That where two or three are met together in my name that I will be in the midst of them This caused me to go again as I had done before to hearing of Sermons on week-days But still I found many reasonings and doubtings upon my spirit whether I was elected or not and was much cast down many times about it and had some temptations to despair fearing that such a sinner as I could not be saved Yet I had comfort in this that though I was a sinner God by his Spirit had mortified me And though I am not so good as I should be yet through the power of grace I am not so bad as the flesh would be and finding much of the testimony of Gods Spirit upon my heart I had great hope that I had marks and tokens of my believing One night having for about half a years time before used to go to Bed before I prayed being in Bed and thinking to pray to God I had strange temptations upon me to put God out of my mind and I could not speak a word nor scarce think of God and if I did in some intervals I could not name God or Christ nor speak a word to God for the present And Satan then seemed to appear to me in a most ugly shape laughing and jeering at me which did much affright me and I feared that I had played the Hypocrite with God and now should run mad to make good what some haâ— reproachfully cast upon me that I was an Hypocrite and I was rising out of my Bed but it pleased the Lord to
put it into my mind that Christ Jesus hath not given so much for Souls as he hath done to let the Devil have them for nothing And in the strength of the Lord I repulsed the Devil saying Satan when thou in tempting Christ shewedst him the whole World thou promisedst him that which was none of thine own nor am I thine and therefore avoid Satan for thou hast nothing to do with me and then the Devil departed from me Then my heart was much filled with the thoughts of the goodness of God and with a mixture of tears and joy I had sweet comforts from the Lord. And though I have had many doubts upon my spirit sometimes yet I have since found very great consolation through Faith in the promises of God as in these and divers others Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest I thank God I have found much rest and refreshment by coming to Christ and that his grace is sufficient for me Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled I have often laid hold on this promise with a thirsting desire after Jesus Christ and he hath filled me with comfort And the comfort wherewith Christ did comfort Peter bidding him not to fear for he had prayed for him hath been upon my spirit and given me great consolation in that I know Christ is heard in all that he prayeth to the Father And I find the Testimonies of my Conversion to God which give satisfaction to my Soul that I am a true Believer 1. Though I do all that I can to serve God as he hath commanded me yet I find great imperfection and utter unworthiness in my self to deserve any thing of God But my whole dependance and hope of Salvation is in Gods free grace in the blood and merits of my Saviour Jesus Chrsst 2. I do find that the Love of God in Christ constrains me to love God again above all things in the World and whatever I am about my Soul is delighted with God above all 3. I find that the Lord draws my heart to hate all evil communication and evil things and not so much to fear the punishment of the World for any thing as to sin against God 4. I am much delighted in the workings of Gods Spirit and it is a great joy and comfort to my Soul when my heart is inlarged towards God 5. My heart is much affected unto Ordinances and if Satan suggested worldly thoughts to hinder me from duties I have called upon God and found comfort and when I have come to duties with cold affections I have been much refreshed in the duties though sometimes I have felt pain and distemper in my body which I have thought Satan hath done to make me weary in duties yet I have called on the Lord and found comfort 6. I find great peace and much comfort in the Lord so that I could be willing to dye and it is a great joy to me in that I expect to dye that I may be delivered from the afflictions of the World to enter into eternal joy with Christ for ever E. O. XXIV Expeiences of A. G. I Have been many years since very sensible of my Natural Estate and did lye long under the sence of my sins which were so great a burden to me that they made me almost despair insomuch that I could scarce either eat or driâ—k but had my spirits dried up with the anguish thereof For I was brought up under the Means and from a Child frequented the hearing of the Word And the first cause of my great torment was for that I once told a Lye against my Conscience which so lay upon my spirit afterwards that I could receive no comfort I went to hear the Word and read the Scriptures yet all did but increase my horrour Several Ministers and godly People used great means to comfort me but all in vain for a time and when I read the Scriptures I found every threatning and judgment therein that I fixed my thoughts upon to speak terrour to my Soul and my distraction was so great that my Friends said I was mad and kept the Bible from me For so often as I read in it I pored most upon that dreadful place Matth. 12.31 All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men I did not know what the sin against the Holy Ghost was but I had a perswasion I had committed that sin and feared that my sins could not be pardoned and that I should never go to Heaven but was cast off to the damned Yet this the Lord wrought for me and in me by his blessed Spirit to draw forth my heart to be often praying in that poor doubting way my spirit could by the Lords assistance vouchsafed to me attain unto for though I thought it in vain and that God would not hear me yet I continued praying and often cryed to God not only in the day time but frequently in the night and rise out of my Bed to pray to God to have mercy upon me And I was sometimes a little comforted in that I was perswaded to hope in the Lord but yet it was dashed again through fear that I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost And I thought that all victuals and every thing was too good for me and that I was unwâ—rthy of all en oyments Thus I lay for some months in a sad Agony wrastling with temptations perplexed between hope and despair But at last in hearing Mr. W. Minister of B. and reading a Book called The New Birth I found comfort being better satisfied what the sin against the Holy Ghost was than before since which I bless God I have for some years past found much comfort from the Promises of God revealed in his holy Word some of which follow Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled My chief desires are after Jesus Christ and to follow him by the Rule of the Gospel not doubting but that I shall be blessed in that grace which he communicates to me from his fulness Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest This promise being to Souls laden with dejections and universal to all that come to Christ hath much comforted my heart in that by his Spirit he hath drawn forth my Soul to come to him And as a testimony of my love to God and evidences of my faith I bless God I have these comfortable fruits of the Spirit of grace in my Soul 1. Though I do all that I can to serve God yet in all things I find infirmities in me so that all my trust is only in the merits of my Saviour Jesus Christ 2. Though I cannot be so holy as
I should yet I desire and labour to be as holy as I can 3. When my heart is dull cold and out of order to serve God it doth much trouble me and in going to God I find comfort 4. When I am hindred from duties with the People of God it is a great grief unto me and the manifestation of the presence of God upon my heart is the greatest joy I find and that which most fills and satisfies my Soul 5. I find the want of any of Gods Ordinances to be a grief to me and that I am at a loss therein 6. I desire to serve God in all things and have a real and hearty respect to his Commandments and to do justly to all and do find my heart chiefly drawn forth to holiness and in all things to keep a good Conscience and live in the fear of God A. O. XXV Experiences of M. M. I Have many times had a desire to hear the Word of God when imployed about my Calling But I then thought to my self that I had no body to provide for me but if God would bestow on me so much of these outward things as upon others in the World then I would spend more time in hearing praying and reading the Word And accordingly as rhese outward things have ebbed or flowed so hath my joy been less or more But now God hath given me a sight of my sins and why I had formerly no comfort it was because I had not faith in my heart Before God wrought that in me instead of making use of those comforts which the Word holds forth I spent my time in mistrusting Gods providence who therefore justly during that time held the sence of his spiritual consolations from me Sometimes I was in despair so low that I could not apprehend any thing to be my portion but Hell Every thing that fell not out according to my mind I thought was a Judgment from God upon me Yet I afterwards got comfort by these inviting promises Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no money come ye buy and eat yea come buy wine and milk without money and without price And Ezek. 33.11 As I live saith the Lord God I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from bis way â—nd live Turn ye turn ye from you evil ways for why will ye die O house of Israel I had some comfort from these promises but no assurance my thoughts were various and tho' between hope and despair yet I resolved to go to God knowing that he is unchangeable and that whom he loves he loves to the end and that if a sinner doth repent and turn to him he will blot all his sins and iniquities out of his remembrance And it pleased God to bring this promise into my mind and to help me by faith to lay hold on it and apply it to my self Ezek. 18.21 22. If the wicked will turn from all his sins that he hath committed and keep all my statutes and do that which is lawful and right he shall surely live he shall not dye All his transgressions that he hath committed they shall not be mentioned unto him in his righteousness that he hath done he shall live And Christ saith Job 3.16 God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life And this is life eternal to know God and Jesus Christ whom he hath sent I bless God he hath made me now to believe not only in word but to labour to bring forth the fruits thereof in a godly life and conversation 2. I cannot but admire the free love of God to me that though I have given ear formerly to the Devil and to the world and to my own wicked heart yet God hath been thus pleased now to call me out of darkness into his most marvellous light 3. God hath been pleased to give me faith to believe that though sin hath abounded in me yet grace shall now much more abound This makes me to see the free love of God without any desert in the creature 4. I have formerly gone about to limit God and to be upon tearms with him that if he would give me so much of these worldly things as I thought needful then I would spend more time in those duties which he hath commanded me But this is contrary to the Word of God which teacheth me now First to seek the Kingdom of God and the righteousness thereof knowing that all other things shall be added to me that I want 5. And now blessed be God he hath made me to believe this and all other promises so that I can by faith call God my Father who hath promised me that All things shall work together for good to me because I love him 6. I have found something from God of hope of mercy since I was a faithful hearer of the word though the Devil did before tempt me with objections to drive me to despair for sin 7. I am now I praise my God comforted in believing that God will not mention my sins against me Christ dyed for sinners and the ungodly and I know that although I have been a great sinner yet this hinders me not from laying hold on the promises 8. I do believe that the Life I now live I live by the faith of the Son of God I see by faith that Christ hath satisfied Gods justice for my sins in particular and hath bid me to reckon my self in him 9. Now being spiritually marryed to Christ all the priviledges of Saints and believers belong to me And I can say All is mine and I am Christs and Christ is Gods Who shall lay any thing to the charge of Gods Elect It is God that hath justified me Who is he that shall condemn me being now justified by Faith in Christ I have peace with God 10. I know when this earthly Tabernacle is dissolved I shall have an abiding not made with hands but eternal in the Heavens for Christ saith I am gone to prepare a place for you that is for me and all Believers 10. All the promises of God in Christ are spoken to believers and by faith I believe they are made to me and because he lives I shall live also Now Christ hath made me free I am free indeed 11. Christ hath done all for me only bids me to believe which faith by his Spirit he hath wrought in me 12. I have formerly been stirred up to hear pray and read upon selfish consideration of fear that otherwise I should go to Hell And I am ashamed to think how I have chosen rather to believe what the Devil hath said than what God hath said But blessed be the Lord I now see it is free love that he forgiveth iniquity transgressions and sins only because mercy pleaseth him all that I can do cannot 13. I
my delight always to frequent the society of those whom I thought were truly godly And upon this account I thought my self to be something when being seriously weighed I became nothing for I knew God but as a natural man doth even by way of discourse I being as I conceive since much in the posture of the proud Pharisee I could say I thank God I was not such a person as was given to lewdness or vice as others were And being thus in my natural condition I thought I had need of nothing when I was as the Church of the Laodiceans wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked and that which was worst I knew not that I was thus in ignorance walking in darkness till the Lord brought me forth into the light First By convincing me of sin Secondly Convincing me of righteousness The first was according to my remembrance about seven or eight years since I being in discourse with a friend concerning something which did much displease me wherein my answering was very cross and my words very full of anger I began to espy my self full of malice and envy which did much reflect upon my own heart and caused a wonderful grief unto me and having never taken notice of any such thing before it was so much the more strange to me but calling my self to a strict examination what foundation I had laid when the Building began to prove so rotten it pleased the Lotd that thereby I grew more and more sensible of my own miserable condition as being in the state of nature a child of wrath finding my self a lump of sin and uncleanness and at a far distance from the ways of God and to be in probability of nothing so much as of damnation and ready to be cast into Hell for my sins finding my self out of Christ and not any hope that I should ever gain an interest in him for I saw that without Faith it was impossible to please him and that without Faith I could not think of any way to please him being lost in false ways of my own invention And considering also that Paul counsels the Corinthians to examine them selves whether they were in the faith and saith he Know ye not your own selves whether Jesus Christ is in you except ye be Reprobates and following this course I could not otherwise judge but that I was a Reprobate and this condition was very burthensom unto my spirit and neither in hearing or reading could I for the time find any ease of this my trouble but still I did apprehend the Lord as an angry Judge requiring satisfaction of me for my sins Thus I languished not knowing which way to steer my thoughts but oftentimes crying out to the throne of grace what shall I do to be saved Sometimes I should perswade my self it was altogether impossible for me to think of being saved or ever to gain so much faith as to believe that Christ dyed for my sins for I thought it would be a very great presumption in me to attempt any such thing having often had thoughts of destroying my self It is my desire that I may never forget the providence of God in keeping me from all dangers in this my extream doubtful condition wherein I made not any one acquainted with my trouble but the Lord whose work it was to deliver me In this my spiritual bondage when I have heard godly men incouraging poor Souls to believe in Christ I have thought that others might but I durst not presume because I was no better qualified for if I could find my self more holy or more godly or fuller of goodness then there would be some hope that I might believe and hope for the favour of God and that Christ dyed for me But afterwards God put into my heart to consider that seeing By the deeds of the Law no flesh can be justified for I thought before I must have done something that should have proved meritorious and beginning to be acquainted with an emptiness in my self and an inability of my own to do any good and find that it must be given me from the Lord Christ being all in all to the Saints Upon this consideration I cast my self upon God saying Lord I am thy workmanship do with me what seemeth good unto thee If thou dost damn me I have deserved the severest of thy judgments thou art just although I am for ever justly miserable And one day reading of Mr. Perkins his Book treating of the smallest degree of saving-faith which did express that a desire to believe was faith it self I was something comforted to hear of this knowing that none could more desire it than I did and upon this a while I rested satisfied But not long after I found it a reed whereon I had leaned and grew again very restless and was beat off from this stay by having the opportunity of another Book which made me to understand that the poor man knew full well that a desire to be rich and to be rich indeed were two several things And so a desire to believe and faith it self was not the same For as all that desire to be rich are not rich so all that desire to believe do not believe Being thus drove from my other principle I began to see a more emptiness in the creature and a greater fulness in the Creatour And this last book by the blessing of God through his grace did inform my judgment in many things which were very comfortable to me As that the love of God was the cause Christ was given for sinners and that he became a full satisfaction to God for sins and if we staid from Christ till we were full of good works it might be a symptom we should never believe For it shewed that we must be ingrafted into Christ by faith before we could bring forth good fruits for without me ye can do nothing saith Christ And whatsoever is not of faith is sin These and many such like expressions in the Scripture which God put into my mind were very comfortable to the refreshing of my dull and weary spirit many times but yet fears in intervals possessed me as not finding Christ to be made mine by Faith For I could not say in particular that God was my God nor see that there was a reconcilement made between God and my Soul Sometimes I would perswade my heart to venture to believe in Christ for the pardon of my sins But presently objections would thwart my resolutions by concluding that I was too great a sinner And it was not absolutely said that Christ dyed for me In this condition I was for about four years before I did thoroughly apprehend the love of God in Christ Jesus unto me Yet the Lord was pleased at last to work effectually upon me by many sweet promises out of his Word which did wonderfully rejoyce my Soul As John 13.15 16. Whosoever believeth in the Son shall not perish but have
Therefore seeing I am not my own I am bought with a price therefore I desire to glorifie God with my Soul and Body which are the Lords saying with Mary in Luke 1. My Soul doth magnifie the Lord and my Spirit doth rejoyce in God my Saviour who hath regarded the low estate of his handmaid 8. Though formerly my soundation was built upon the sands and therefore easily overthrown Yet now I trust in the Lord I am established by Faith built upon that Rock which is the love of God my Saviour Christ being the corner stone Isa 28.16 Behold I lay in Zion a stone a tryed stone he that believeth shall not make hast 9. I wait upon the Will of my Heavenly Father in all his dispensations for a more full injoyment of Jesus Christ in my Soul which I do hunger and thirst after and I have the promise of my God that I shall be filled and having tasted I have found the Lord is gracious and more to be desired than thousands of Worlds 10. I believe not upon others words but as in John 4.42 as some said to the Woman of Samaria Now we believe not because of thy saying for we have heard him our selves and know that this is indeed the Christ the Saviour of the World 11. As David saith I had fainted unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord and I believe therefore have I spoken for I was greatly afflicted As the Apostle saith ye are compleat in Christ therefore I reckon my self in him 12. The Lord having cleared it to me that I am a believer I am confident that Christ Jesus did pray to his Father for me in the 17. of John saying I pray not for these only hut for them that shall believe through their word that they may be one even as we are one therefore thou art my God and I will praise thee for thou hast heard me and art become my salvation Thus in some measure I have weakly hinted out a reason of the hope that is in me trusting in my God that as he hath taken away the guilt of sin out of my conscience so in his due time he will take away all sin from my conversation as he hath given me a pardon for sin so he will over-power all my corruptions that I may live more to the praise of the glory of his grace wherein he hath made me accepted in the Beloved and that I shall become over sin Satan self and all things opposite to grace more than a Conqueror through him that hath loved me and washed me from my sins in his blood for to him are all things possible and he is the wise Master-Builder who will not only begin but will go on to accomplish his own work D. R. XXVIII Experiences of A. O. I Have undergone sad troubles of spirit for my sins which I have had a great fight and sense of and shed many tears for and desire to be truly sorry for them and hate them and to have no more communion with them About two years I lay under very great temptations and was ready to despair and for several nights could not take any rest in my bed but was very weak with weeping and much grieved for my evil thoughts yet the Lord drew forth my heart to call upon him and hope in him for mercy But I had many sore conflicts insomuch that I could not lye in the chamber alone I made what use I could of opportunities to desire comfort from such godly Christians as I could meet withal to counsel me in the ways of God and I laboured to hearken to them but found my heart very dull and heavy for a time untill about three years since I began to find comfort from some Sermons that I heard and books that I read and some thoughts that the Lord settled upon my heart by his spirit hoping that there was mercy for me And I did believe that I had all the prayers of all the Saints in the world put up to the Throne of grace for me and that my Saviour had satisfied for my sins and through him God was reconciled to me and in particular I found comfort from these and some other promises John 16.35 Jesus said unto them I am the bread of life he that cometh to me shall never hunger and he that believeth on me shall never thirst Verse 37. All that the Father giveth me shall come to me and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out John 14.1 Let not your hearts be troubled ye believe in God believe also in me Jerem. 31.23 But this shall be the Covenant that I will make with the house of Israel After those days saith the Lord I will put my Law in their inward parts and write it in their Hearts and I will be their God and they shall be my people And I do find in my heart a testimony of my believing that I do love God wrought in me by his blessed Spirit by these particulars 1. I love God not through slavish fear but for his name and glory so that I can leave all for him and nothing is so dear and precious unto me as the love of God and nothing so great a joy to me as that Christ who dyed for me hath not left me 2. I find such comfort from the Lord that he by his Spirit revives my drooping heart and fills my empty Soul and when my poor spirit is even fainting away I find comfort from his glorious power and presence 3. When I cannot come to Ordinances it is a grief to me and when I am in duty it is a grief to me that I am so dull and find no more inlargement yet my affections are groaning after the Lord Jesus Christ in Duties and I have a great longing to receive more of Christ And I find more comfort when my heart is inlarged in duty than in any other thing in the World and I know that all my comfort is from Jesus Christ 4. What I desire to injoy I seek to injoy it in God through peace of conscience that it may be to the comfort of my faith for God is pure and it is a great grief to me that I câ—n serve my God no better 5. I do not fear death for my faith is so setled in God that I long to be with my Saviour when he shall be pleased to call me to him Christ hath dyed for me to take away the fear of the second death A. O. XXIX Experiences of M. W. I Have from my child-hood desired to serve the Lord and to make his Commandments my rule to walk by and I thought once that I could have said with the young man in the Gospel All these have I kept from my youth But it pleased the Lord to visit me with a grievous sickness even unto death and then my heart told me that I was a great sinner and my conscience accused me that I had
the sense of sin and drawn forth my heart to rely upon him I believed that he would in the end give me victory through Christ and Isa 40.29 He giveth power to the faint and to them that have no might he increaseth strength This promise I laid hold on because Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Mat. 11.28 When I had refreshed my spirit by applying these and some other Promises to my own Soul by faith in the Lord Jesus I found an effect of my faith by that love to God which by his holy Spirit he had wrought in my Soul which appeareth by these particular Evidences 1. I am grieved that I have been so unbelieving towards God and so impatient in my afflictions 2. I am troubled to think that whilst I live here in this mortal flesh I cannot be quite freed from sin but must live to offend so good a God who hath wrought so great a deliverance for me 3. I bless the Lord I can through Divine goodness from the testimony of the blessed Spirit say with comfort the Lord is my God whereby I can cry Abba Father 4. I can I hope willingly deny my self in all things and should the Lord call me to it take up the Cross of my Saviour Jesus to follow him and bless God in all dispensations whatsoever 5. I find a total desire and willingness in my heart to surrender my self to be led by Gods blessed Spirit in all holiness and piety with perseverance that I may live all my days to the glory of my God 6. My affections are more firmly and really knit to God than to any thing so that I can part with any thing for God and I value my interest in God above all things and I find more joy in him than in all things 7. I am not now afraid to dye should God call me that I may go to be with my Saviour for ever 8. I desire to be in love and charity with all men but in an especial manner I do love the godly because in appearance they are the children of God and I desire to feed upon Christ by faith in his Ordinances M. W. XXX Experiences of H. C. AT the beginning of the Civil Wars I as well as others was much frighted and when it was said that such a day the City should be destroyed I was amazed I had been a hearer a great while of very eminent Ministers in the City of London yet profited very little by what I heard For if they preached the mercies of God I feared they did not belong to me because I could not find those qualifications in me which I thought I ought to have if I expected to receive mercy I could rejoyce in hearing of the promises but could not lay hold on them as belonging to me but still I went to hear though with much trouble of mind That day wherein it was said the City should be destroyed I began to call my self to account what would become of my Soul if it should be so I was almost amazed but did much desire of God that he would give me faith and with the Publican I said Lord I believe help my unbelief I then resolved with my self well I will cast my Soul into the arms of God If I perish I perish And through belief in him I was quieted in my spirit at that time But my sense of peace was soon vailed And I was afterward sore afflicted with the fight of my sin and was fully perswaded that I was an Hypocrite and that all that I did was but for fear of Hell then durst I not be any where alone for fear of the sight of the Devil and if I had been at prayer by my self I durst not open my eyes Thus was I perplexed with fear and perswaded my self I should perish my condition was very bitter to me and I did much labour for a resting place for my Soul And being one day at a Funeral the Minister that preached the Sermon shewed the sufficiency of God and the insufficiency of man and that all good came from God He said that it was as possible for that dead man to put life into himself as for any man to gain the least drop of grace of himself for Faith is the gift of God Then I began to consider with my self and to take notice of the promises of God and I would write them to keep them about me I then being a Hearer at St. M. the Minister was much upon the affairs of the times and I was much troubled about what I heard for I found not my Soul satisfied with that matter When I came home I found that my Soul was not able to live with that food and it pleased the Lord to direct me to hear Mr. Sympson at All-hollows Thames Street and he was setting forth the free grace of God to poor sinners And then I began to reason with my self that surely in putting all mercy from me I did dishonour God for he inviteth all to believe his promises And I read that he saith As I live I desire not the death of a sinner And Christ saith he came to save sinners and that the whole need not a Physitian but those that are sick And God hath promised not to break the bruised reed nor quench the smoaking flax and Christ dyed for the ungodly and God is no respecter of persons And Christ promiseth That whosoever comes unto him he will in no wise cast off When I had considered these and other promises And that place where it is said that without Faith it is impossible to please God then I was earnest with God that he would give me faith and sincerity of Heart And that place did much refresh me I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Yet again after all this the sense of mine own unworthiness did much trouble me and I was greatly grieved that I was so cumbred in the world and began to doubt saying sure I have not chosen the better part For sometimes I should rejoyce and praise God being much satisfied from those places of Scripture which say He hath laid our iniquities on him and he hath laid help on him that is mighty And in another place Ye are saved by grace not of your selves it is the gift of God And We have an Advocate with the Father even Jesus Christ the Righteous And he was made sin for us that keew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him And behold the Lamb of God that taketh away the sins of the World But in a short time I should lose all my sense of comfort and than I had sad thoughts musing what God would do with me In the depth of these conflicts at last that place refreshed me where God saith I the Lord change not therefore ye Sons of Jacob are not consumed Though before I was not satisfied that
have kicked at his Fatherly protection and run into many gross and vile sins The first gross one was many kinds of unlawful gaming which held me as a bond-slave near thirty years to the great endangering both of my Body and Soul but yet it pleased the Lord to look graciously upon me and to give me afterwards an hatred against this vice and withal he put into my mind a resolution which I confirmed with a vow as followeth That as I loved God and his Word or my own Soul I would never play at any game for money so long as I lived The Lord was pleased to accept of my good will and blessed me and mine in my lawfull calling many years untill at the last that old Serpent the Devil envying my happy proceedings in this Reformation he drew me into many other sins which had almost brought me to as bad an end as the first But the Lord out of the lowest Extremities gives in remedies to his Children and he gave me an hatred against them also and a Resolution Never to commit them any more Yet about two or three years after that old enemy of mankind Satan that roaring Lion seeking whom he may devour came again with turnings to destroy me perswading me that to drink with my Neighbours was acceptable to God which may be used without excess but I gave will the full reins which brought me back again to my former courses withal annexing wrath and anger to my House and Family perswading me that I must rule in my house which had brought me besides my self had not God helped me who never fails those whom he loves and that put their trust in him For presently upon this extremity he sent this remedy 1. A sight of my sins 2. A grief and sorrow for them 3. A resolution to leave them And 4. The Lord carryed me through a way to leave them which was thus I began to call to mind what was the greatest thing I loved in this World and in the World to come besides those that I named before which I set opposite to these two monsters Then I vowed before the Lord desiring his assistance That as I loved the Holy Ghost the comforter or ever looked to have comfort from the blessed communion of the body and blood of Christ Jesus to cleanse my sins so if I did remember or was in perfect sense I would never drink above two reasonable glasses or cups of Wine or four cups of Beer in any one place or at any one time without any Equivocation And that at any time when I came into the doors of my house if there were any controversie in my Family that then I would with gentle perswasions do my best indeavour to end it And this with Gods help I would perform And I prayed O Lord my God bless my hand and my heart to perform thy will that when any temptation to gaming or drunkenness or lust shall assault me either by thought or any other means that then presently I may fly unto thee in the name of Christ Jesus my Saviour And I do still fly unto God confessing and sorrowing for my sins desiring the Lord to help and assist me to perform and keep all these and in all thing to serve God as long as I live I cannot be so humbled for my sins as I desire yet have I had much trouble for sin and have shed tears many a time and I have been much troubled that my heart cannot be broken enough yet I have had many crosses but I know it is the hand of God and I desire to lye low before him When God first discovered my sins to me I was was much terrified But I have found much comfort in that glorious promise which God made when Adam had sinned that The seed of the Woman should break the Serpents head Gen. 3. And also that sweet Promise declared by the Lord Jesus Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest Matth. 11.28 And Peter declareth saying Repent and be converted that your sins may be blotted out when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord. I have pleaded these and several other promises with God and have by faith trusted in God who bids us cast our care on him and he will care for us 1 Pet. 5.7 And I do believe in God and cast my self upon him knowing all the Promises to be yea and Amen in Christ And I have these effects of Gods gracious spirit working Regeneration in my Soul 1. In that the Lord blessed be his holy name hath so setled my heart on himself that I could leave friends relations and all things for God 2. I find in my heart a real affection and love strongly carryed out to all the children of God and I love to do good to the people of God 3. I take much delight to hear the word of God preached and to partake of duties with the people of God to have communion with God in private duties 4. I am troubled when my heart is cold in duty but much comforted when my heart is inlarged towards God 5. I believe that God will save me through Christ for ever T. G. XXXIII Experiences of M. H. IN my youthful age it pleased God to give me an heart to take delight to hear the Word preached at many places but especially at St. Antholins at the morning Lectures and this I did often for some time untill Satan stirred up many Instruments to call me Puritan with many other reproachful tearms that made me ashamed to go in publick but like Nicodemus by stealth as it were in the dark But it pleased the Lord to convince me of Satans wiles that he was a deceiver from the first and that in hearing the word Preached those that would be Souldiers in Christs School must not be daunted for every foyl and If I did look for Salvation by Jesus Christ I must manfully fight under the Banner of Christ and hold out to the end if I would be saved From the consideration hereof God was pleased to put courage into my heart to hold on in the ways of God and in professing the Gospel which I did though with abundance of weakness and difficulties and thus I did continually go on though darkly until it pleased God to break forth in his most glorious light for by special providence I was brought to see an utter ruine to my Soul without a Christ and tho' I had heard much of Christ by the outward ear yet had I no experimental knowledge of him till the word of Christ shewed me that my condition was such as Paul speaks of to the Ephesians that I was dead in trespasses and sins and except I was quickned by the Spirit and by Faith did bath my Soul in the blood of Christ I was an undone creature notwithstanding all my long hearing the word preached Having then weighed many circumstances and
was at a little stand at the first yet would not stoop under this Beam but stept aside and so passed away laying my Hand thereon as I stept by the side of it when suddenly I thought the House was all in a flame at which I was something troubled passing on the way and wondring in my self what this should be till I was overtaken by some rude Malicious Men who accused me for setting this House on Fire and would not hear me speak but were violently halling me away to Prison with which being sufficiently affrighted and my stesh set a Trembling I awaked and was offended with my self for being so much concerned at a foolish Dream and Fancy so it being yet dark I laid me down and fell asleep again and wast cast into the same Dream again exactly and at my Right Hand I thought there was a Grave Ancient Man full of white Hairs like Wool and a long white Beard who stood by me and said Chear up fear not for the Lord hath sent me to comfort thee and to tell thee that he hath chosen thee to Preach his Word and the Gospel of Christ which is the Staff thou hadst in thine Hand and with this Staff which is the Word of God thou shalt walk home to thy Fathers House in Heaven where is fullness of Joy but after a time thou wilt be troubled with the different opinions and ways of Men and seem at first to be at a loss yet the Lord will be thy Guide Go on and as thou goest forward the way of the Lord will still appear plainer before thine Eyes the footsteps thou sawest are the Examples of the Saints that have gone before you which will be a great help to you and you shall walk chearfully on in the way which is clear to you and shall see no other but yet you must meet with the fair House on the left Hand that is the Glory and Great ones of the World who make a great and fair shew to Men as if built High but they must fall and are only on the left Hand of you whilst you will Despise and Preach against them and turn your Eye forward to go in the way of God without turning about By the Beam that came out of this House is meant the Powers and Opinions of these who when you shall cross or step aside or will not stoop under them they are set on fire and inflamed on a sudden but be not troubled go forward although they send after you saying you have brought this fire upon them and though they falsly accuse you and seek to hawl you to Prison for this fact whereof you are altogether Innocent At which I awaked again it being about Day-break wondring with my self what it should mean and verily believing it to be more than ordinary and being filled with confidence and comfort I rose up and writ it down presently Next day I went away towards Huntington-Shire where I was accepted and entertained and had a comfortable Maintenance for several years But after all these Deliverances I Multiplyed abundantly in Gifts and Graces either to Pray Expound Read Sing Hymns and Spiritual Songs with the Spirit and Understanding and as Israel Exod. 1. the more he was Afflicted he Multiplyed the more so Blessed be the Lord I was the more filled with the Spirit endued with strength and grace and refreshed with Peace and Joy the more I had suffered so that all my troubles were through Grace but as Josephs step to Higher Enjoyments and finding the Lord so abundantly to endue me from above and to Qualifie me for the Call that I had before in the Night for the Ministry which I little thought or imagined could have come to pass my Friends having often resolved on the contrary and all things so fairly concurring I was much confirmed that the Lord had designed me thereunto and not long after I was by a Godly People earnestly importuned and at length grevailed with to Preach the Gospel and was soon known about the Country so although I have ever since met with several Afflictions Oppositions and Troubles yet many have given Testimony to the Word I have Preached in divers places the Lord be praised to the great refreshing of my Soul and toward the filling up of my Joy when I shall give an account to their comfort at the Great Day of the Lord. After this I was sent forth as a Pastor and publick Teacher by the Church and I know my Ministerial Commission and Authority to be from God and notwithstanding the divers Temptations I still meet with finding my Heart full of Corruption and my Life a continual Warfare yet I bless God who hath delivered me in divers ways which I have not here declared from the Fraudulent Gins and Snares of the Devil and who hath called me out of Darkness into Light that his power is stronger in me than any that hath been against me and I am the better provided against Satan because I now live by Faith in the Son of Goâ— above the Letter in the Life above the Form in the Power above self in an higher self where I have my aboad so that I am not I but by the Grace of God it is that I am what I am I have Provision within seeing Christ in me is the hope of Glory and I do certainly expect Salvation in Christ Jesus my Head my Lord my Elder Brother and the first Fruits of them that Rise again And although I meet with daily Tryals at Home and Abroad within and without yet I am all the time ascending to Heaven the same way that Christ my Redeemer went Who hath through the Vail Consecrated a New and living way for me into the Holy of Holies I can comfortably Drink aftet my Saviour out of his own Cup and in eating his Meat and drinking his Drink I can take Gall and Vinegar as well as Milk and Honey and I account the enjoyment of Christ to be the enjoyment of all the Excellencies and Happiness in Heaven and Earth nesther do I doubt but I shall appear perfect in his Righteousness being pardoned by his Death purged by his Blood Sanctified by his Spirit and Saved by his Power and to be Glorified as he is Glorified and see him as he is and whilst I Live and Breath I hope and Resolve to live to him and for him as well as by him and I shall not desire to live one minute longer than it may be for his Honour Glory and Service which I beseech the Lord of Heaven to make me fit for and faithful in and to prepare my Soul for that Glory which is to be Revealed J. R. II. Experiences of R. W. I will declare what the Lord hath done for me First in my Youth my Father being a Godly Man in Dublin in Ireland brought up his Children very Religiously but for my part though I were well Educated and Instructed yet I was very Disobedient being young and
Headstrong and refusing to hearken to my Fathers Advice which he often gave me but I regarded it not which was afterward a veay great grief to me for I could not endure to be curbed nor kept in but at length to avoid the continual Reproofs which 〈◊〉 justly gave me for my ill courses and company I resolved not to stay at home any longer but to go into Flanders accordingly I put out to Sea but by Storms and contrary Winds was driven back again yet I could not see the Hand of God in this but still held on my purpose and took the first opportunity to get away out of Ireland into England where my Friends used many Arguments to perswade me to return home again Whilst I continued in England I began to be convinced by hearing several good Men of the heinousness of my sins and wicked disobedience and was thereupon sadly afflicted and disconsolate so that I could have no quiet nor rest In this time my Father hearing where I was not knowing before what was become of me doubting I might be dead or drowned writ a Letter to me wherein I was admonished to beware of such as run headlong to Perdition with many other good advices he seeming like old Jacob to rejoyce that his Son was yet alive c. All these things struck me heavily to the Heart so that I lay long under the fearful Sentence of my Iniquities and Disobedience and could receive no comfort nor satisfaction I concealed this my inward Grief and Torment till my Heart was ready to burst but at length acquainted my Friends therewith who endeavoured to comfort me and I had some quiet for a short space but this lasted not so that I soon fell again into my old malady and trouble as before being so exceedingly disturbed that I could by no means obtain any peace till that Scripture came into my mind Isa 50.10 He that sitteth in Darkness and seeth no light should trust in the Name bf the Lord and stay himself upon his God this did much support and incourage me to depend upon God whereby I had abundance of consolation Yet I was seldom free from many Temptations Fears and Doubts and such sometimes as did much disquiet me untill once that I had a Divine Dream which hath been very sweet to my Soul ever since for in my Dream I thought I was told that God's love was free in Jesus Christ and bestowed upon poor sinners through his Merits and that he put none by neither turned any away that came to him in and through his Dear Son and that I need not fear but I was one of them that should be accepted and received to Mercy This brought much Joy to my Heart and the sense of it remains to this very day Afterward I went to New-England and had much comfort from them and from their Ministers and since my return I have had great peace of Mind and desire to live in Union with Christ and Communion with his Servants as long as I am upon Earth and I have grounded hopes of living with him when I dye and with all his Saints to enjoy his Blissfull presence to Eternal Ages R. W. III. Experiences of Maj. A.M. I was well Educated by my Parents who were accounted Puritans till about sixteen years of Age after which I was put an Apprentice to London but ill company drew me away and I took ill courses till I was about 24 years Old then I came into Ireland in the beginning of the Rebellion 1641. and Travelling toward the North passed through great Dangers and many Deaths as I may say for there my Father was killed my Wife wounded and I my self with much difficulty escaped from the bloody Rebels after this I was in the Fight at Drogheda oa Tredah when it was taken and being laid in the Field of Battel among the Slain I was given over for one of the Dead but it pleased God that I recovered and then went into England I had not been there long but I began to look about me and to have some convictions of mind and thereupon I was diligent to follow the means and hear the VVord of God Preached by good Men being sensible of my sins and former forgetfulness of God or any thing that was good I heard one Mr. Owen with whom I was much affected and convinced of my misery in the want of Christ and afterwards received great comfort and assured hopes of Salvation from Mr. R. and now I do verily believe I have Fellowship with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ and find a wonderful change in my Soul abhorring all ill company and courses and desiring to walk in all well pleasing toward God and tho' I meet with many Temptations yet I bless the Lord he carries me on in his good ways so that I can now pray to him by the assistance of his Spirit and have an earnest love to his Word and Ordinances Blessed be God for his free grace in Christ Jesus who before I had any knowledge of hlm spoke to my Heart by the means of an honest Man about thirteen years ago After which I followed all the means I could meet with and was wont to hear Mr. Cradock and Mr. Symson in London the first of whom in a Sermon upon Isaiah Wee is me I am an unclean Creature c. spoke so home to my condition that I imagined his Discourse was directed to me particularly This so wrought upon my Conscience that I was extreamly afflicted for a time and gave my self much to Prayer and at length I became in love with Truth and true Christians and have found and do yet find those things true in me which were spoken by Mr. N. of that oneness of Love and unity of the Spirit which ought to be among all Gods People I have seen my sad condition by Nature and am sensible of the happy change that the grace of God hath made in me and now Oh! how do I love the ways of God and Holiness and Duties and means of Grace and the things of God which before I slighted disregarded and loathed and lastly I now desire and long after Jesus Christ and care not how soon I be taken out of this sinful World that I may live with him in Eternal Glory A. M. IV. Experiences of F. B. MY Experiences of the Mercy and Love of God are more than I can express the first main work upon my Spirit was on a sudden upon an Alarm given to our Troop while I was a Souldier which had such a convincing effect upon me that I lay long under the Apprehension of Gods Wrath and was much disquieted so that though I Prayed and Prayed yet I could take no comfort and had no confidence in the Mercy of God but Confusion was before my Face Afterward I came to Dublin where I was impeached for breaking an Article of War and was condemned to lose my Life for the same whilst I was
indeed there had been no real conversion though I had often thoughts towards God and especially I was given much to impatiency for which my Husband had often reproved me But still I went on in my sin being not sensible of my sad condition therein until I came into England After which this Sermon of Mr. T. did much humble me and wrought upon my heart a very great sense of my sins And I was afraid that I had committed the sin of Blasphemy against God as Job said his children perhaps had done some way or other because I had sometimes cursed some body or something that had angred me and in passion rapt out sometimes at Oath many nights I watered my bed with my tears about it and went to Mr. VVest a Minister near Liverpoole and other godly people who used such means as God led them forth to for my comfort but I was still afflicted in my Soul about the space of three weeks and then I found much comfort being perswaded by good counsel to trust in God which I did and was heartily sorry for my sins And then my Husband was troubled in mind himself and the Lord made me an instrument to comfort him as well as I could But about five months after he had abundance of joy and comfort and expected death saying that he was perswaded he should be killed and so presently after he was setled in his mind it fell sadly out For the Enemy took Liverpool and killed my Husband and a child both before my face and stript and wounded me and a child of five years old and it was thought I could not live And this was a strong tryal and I was much tempted my senses me thought were going from me and my heart I thought would have rent in pieces yet I prayed and the Lord heard me I thought it was too much for me to bear But I remembred my Saviours words He that will not forsake Father or Mother or Sister or Brother or Husband or Child for Christ is not worthy of him and I desire to give glory to his name I consider that I must part with all for Christ I strove hard against my own weakness and my heart said that God was just in all his dealings with me I thought when I had considered of it that I did but suffer as an evil doer my self but our cause was Gods and our Enemies Popish Rebels Paul was ready not only to suffer but to dye at Jerusalem for the name of Christ so I took it patiently giving glory to God and believing that God who wus come so near me would not forsake me I was assured with much joy that the Lord would bring me to himself and in this confidence did rejoyce with my wounded Child and a little Daughter a Barn where we were put having got a piece of an old Bible and then and since I have found much settledness in my faith from several Promises of the Lord revealed in his holy Word some of which follow John 15.7 If ye abide in me and my words abide in you ye shall ask what you will and it shall be done unto you I trust in God never to depart from his word and therefore hope to find comfort in the end and do find comfort in the way in that Christ abideth with me Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled Though the Lord hath thus emptyed me of some worldly comforts yet he hath given me an hungring and thirsting Soul after himself and therefore I laid hold of this promise of blessedness as made to me Matth. 11.28 where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest It this I have been and still am much comforted in the greatest afflictions that God hath laid upon me in whom alone is true rest And as further testimonies of my love to God and evidences of my faith I have these comfortable inferences which speak much peace to my Soul 1. My love to God and Christ is more than to all things in the World 2. I find a great difference in my affections to God and to the World and the things thereof so that my Children which of all worldly things are most near and dear to me yet if God should take them from me I could freely give them 3. I find the Spirit striving against the flesh so that when I heard Dr. Holmes speaking of that still voice which a Believer hears as it were from the Spirit it did so inlarge my heart that for joy and great comfort it made me weep through the influence of the Spirit sensibly then upon my heart and so at other times also I find much comfort in the Spirit of God which is my greatest joy 4. I do rejoyce mightily in the Ordinances and apply what I hear to my self as well as I can and when I hear any thing against any evil that I can apply to my self the Lord draws forth my heart frequently to pray to God that I may do nothing that may displease him And I thank my God I find a full willingness in desire and affection to submit to every truth of Jesus Christ 5. When I hear comforts spoken of that concern me I am so joyful that it fills my heart and sometimes fetches tears from mine eyes as particularly when Master M. said That afflictions were a testimony of Gods love to his people as Lazarus was sorely afflicted and dearly beloved 6. Since I heard Mr. B. and others as also suitable to my condition sevcral things laid open by Mr. W. in some cases of Conscience I have been much affected to settle my self so by the power of Christ that I may find peace in my conscience in all things before I dye and have made it my chief business and have found comfort in the meetings of godly people 7. I bless the name of the Lord my affections are loving to the people of God and I know I love them dearly and my heart riseth to hear them spoken against I had rather bear reproaches my self than than see any one of them wronged or suffer 8. I desire as to live with God in glory in Heaven so to lead my life to his glory here on Earth in grace according to the rule of his holy Word and the examples of the Saints therein expressed and I could heartily wish were it possible that I might never sin more And I have I bless God a clear discerning through the power of the Spirit of Grace that the Gospel is the Word of truth to Salvation 9. When I come before the Lord I see nothing but emptiness in my self and therefore trust in the fulness of Christ in whose power and Spirit I find much comfort and desire always that I may come prepared with that wedding garment that may never be taken away from me for of my self I can do nothing but through
upon me that I could read the Promises but I found none of them to belong to me I could not say God was mine or had discovered him self to me in pardoning my sins yet this I had often thoughts of that I would throw my self upon Christ and if I perished I perished and since I bless God I have found some satisfaction in several places of Scripture As First In Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest And feeling such a burthen then upon my Soul I relyed upon that true rest Another is in 1 John 2.2 And he is the reconciliation for our sins and not for ours only but for the sins of the whole World I being one in the World I applyed this to my self and in 1 John 1 14. The Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the World Another place of Scripture is John 3.17 For God sent not his Son into the World to condemn the World but that the World through him might be saved And in verse 35. He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life Upon this account I said I believe Lord help my unbelief And in the sixth Chapter of John and 67 and 68 verses Jesus said unto his Discipes Will ye go from me also Peter said unto him Lord whither shall we go for thou hast the words of eternal life So that I will now wait upon the Lord for a further manifestation of himself unto my Soul in the use of his Ordinances although I have not in times past been fed with the Childrens bread yet now I do believe I shall not be denyed those crums of Spiritual comforts to nourish and refresh my wearyed Spirit for God saith Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no money come ye buy and eat yea come buy Wine and Milk without money and without price And I praise God I have found of late a very great manifestation of Gods working a change upon my heart and drawing me by true faith to himself 1. About a quarter of a year since I heard Mr. B. on the luke-warmness of the Church of Laodicea shewing that the Lord would refuse none that come to him in humbleness of Spirit and sincerity of heart then I thought surely I might make use of these full promises made to those that come to him and it put me to search the Scriptures which I did and found a greater influence upon my spirit in the understanding of the Word than before 2. I am in all things that I do fearful of offending God and my desire is to do all things to his glory 3. My love to God is so hearty that I delight to be meditating of God and to have communion with him and could wish that I might be wholly if it were possible with God and my heart is never so at rest as when I am reading of his Truths and hearing others speak of them 4. I am so little affected to the World that I account it nothing I can willingly leave all for God and I hope suffer any thing for God if he should please to call me to it so far as I can judge of my own heart but herein trusting in the power of Christ 5. Sin is loathsom to me so that the affections that I did bear to some evils are gone and I now loath them more than before I loved them 6. I have many consticts between the flesh and the spirit but I find in those strivings my heart most cleaving to follow the mind of God knowing that if I give way to sin Satan enters and with all my Soul I desire and delight to follow the leadings of Gods Spirit 7. In all things the resolutions of my heart are for doing those things that may please God and that without delay being fearful to offend God which through infirmity I do I have great trouble in spirit for it and my resolutions aae always against every thing that may hinder my peace with God 8. I find in my heart so great a peace between God and my Conscience that should God now call me I shall be very well contented to go to my Saviour 9. I do not doubt of Gods love to me because he hath drawn forth my heart sincerely to love him 10. My love hath been always from a Child to the people of God and my heart hath been ever troubled when I have heard them evil spoken of 11. My affections are great to the Ordinances and my heart longeth after them and when at any time I come with a cold heart to Duties yet my heart is frequently warmed and inlarged in those duties E. C. XVIII Experiences of D. M. SOme years since through many crosses increasing upon me like an armed man I flew unto God to seek his mind by prayer and he discovered to me that it was for my sins which were then set before me which caused m to feel the hand of God by afflictions upon me that fin was the cause of my sufferings which lay very heavy upon me and terrified me so that I thought I had been in the way to damnation And that if it had been in the way to Salvation every affliction would not come so upon me greater than I thought I could be able to bear In particular the Lord discovered to me that I had too much loved my Husband in making an Idol of him and therefore he justly became a great terror to my spirit for he grew an enemy to goodness and so an hindrance to me in coming to Christ And while I thus doted on him he went away from me I feared through the sense of that and other sins together with the aggravations of my afflictions that God did not love me Yet it struck into my heart that God did not strike willingly and therefore I endeavoured to see what was the mind of God in it who had taken away my Husband Goods and all from me namely that he had done it that I should not hang upon husks but should love him And I found that I had loved the world too much and set my heart too much upon these Creature-comforts and therefore the Lord took them away from me This wrought upon me great troubles and deipair so that I cryed till I was almost blind And I had great fear and trembling upon me that I could not pray not hear with profit but thought it was in vain for me to pray whom God loved not and whom I had so offended About a quarter of a year after I had a temptation by Satan to drown my self in a Pond near Leeds in York-shire weither the Devil led me telling me that I might do it there it being a private place where no body could see me and I came to the Pond side but by the providence of God having a great love to a young Infant I had I took that Child in my Arms and
distraction in my mind and I shewed my discontents and condition to him and he told me that if I had but a mind to seek God and to repent he was gracious and would receive me to mercy The thing that I did earnestly beg of God was to know Christ crucified for me and he told me that indeed was best of all And after some good instructions from him and others I was much delighted to frequent the meetings of Gods Servants and good Sermons and I found many good operations upon my heart After very strong conflicts whicn I had thus for about three quarters of a year lying in my bed waking all the night and calling upon God to direct me to ask at his hands those things which might be for his glory and my comfort and begging that he would give me a setled heart that might not be distracted with the things of the World In the morning I fell tnto a slumber with God still in my thoughts in which I heard as it were a voice from Heaven speaking to my heart and saying thus Ask of God a perfect upright heart to walk in his presence which when I was fully awake I took to be the motion of Gods Spirit upon my Conscience which did fill me with much joy provoking me to pray to the Lord to grant me that grace And about two years since the Lord gave me a sense of my sins in a greater measure than before and my repentance was more spiritual and my hatred of sin more real And I found a sore combate betwixt the flesh and the spirit being more sensible how I had strayed from the rule of the Gospel and did yet come short of my duty therein and it was a great grief to my heart that I could not live according to that which God had revealed of his will to me Whilst I was thus troubled in spirit I heard some things in several Sermons preached by Master B. touching the sins of our natural corruptions and what holiness God repuires of us And I heard Mr. C. shew that we should strive to enter in at the narrow gate which wrought in my heart a very great sense of my sins In these conflicts I met with many discouragements and Satan tempted me to despair but the Lord sustained me I considered that as a sinner I deserved nothing but Damnation but my comfort was in Christ and my grief was interlaced with comforts Sometimes I was in sorrow two or three days and then again found comfort and often prayed unto the Lord to lay no more weight upon me then he would give me strength to bear and I found the Lord to be my shield and buckler and remembred many promises from the Lord in which to this day I bless God I have and still do find much comfort As Psal 34.19 Many are the afflictions of the Righteous but the Lord delivereth him out of them all I have had many afflictions for my sins but none but Christs righteousness is my comfort in whom I trust for deliverance Ezekiel 33.11 As I live saith the Lord God I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his evil way and live turn ye turn ye from your evil ways for why will ye dye O ye house of Israel Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Ezekiel 18.30 Repent and turn your selves from all your transgressions so iniquity shall not be your ruine Isaiah 43.25 I even I am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for my own sake and will not remember thy sins These and divers other promises I praise God I have had comfort from and as the fruits of my faith and my love to God I have these Evidences wrought by his Spirit through faith in my heart as a further manifestation of my interest in Christ 1. I believe in the Promises of the free mercies of God in the merits of Christ and can apply them with comfort to my own Soul as mine by faith 2. My heart and my mind affects God above all the pleasures and joys in the World and when I think of the things of the World in relation to God I think that without God all is but vain and vanity 3. When I think of my crosses and afflictions in the World then I lift up my heart to God in Christ and can say Having thee I have all things if I have Christ I have enough 4. My heart rejoyces in duties and my Soul doth more rejoyce in hearing the Word than in worldly pleasures 5. I have the peace of God upon my conscience which is more to me than all things in the world and makes me set the world at naught and it is my prayer that I may never be without that peace of God whatever befalls me 6. The Lord hath given me a contented mind in what condition soever he brings me to and his Spirit worketh upon my heart that I do not repine against his will E. L. XX. Experiences of J. B. SOme time agoe a Child of mine about six years of age when I have bid him go forth to play he hath come in again very solitary because other Children would swear and be rude I would ask him Robert what aileth you why do you not go to play he would answer That he had no fellows to play withal but such as would swear and the like and they cannot be said he Gods children I would say why not Child then he would say No Mother though I am but a little way in my Book yet I have learnt that God will not pardon such sins as swearing I have sometimes said Yes Child I hope God will pardon them else God help thy Father and God help us all Then he hath replyed Mother with great repentance God can forgive for his mercies are great but good Mother let us forbear that which is evil And many times I had such conference with that Child that seeing me troubled about it he hath said Good Mother be content their Parents are such and they must needs learn after them I thought upon my Childs words and having before often offended God on the Lords Days and the thoughts of other failings in my conversation it wrought great trouble upon my heart so that I was much afflicted in Soul considering that my Child so young should give me such instructions which hath proved a blessing to bring me home to him I did then make some doubt whether God would forgive me those sins and about that time hearing Dr. Vsher preach several Sermons and particularly upon that Text That we are but sojourners and travellers here and shewing that we are not at home therefore we must keep on in the streight way to Heaven and take heed of the broad way which leadeth to Hell this and other means since did throw me down low under the sense of sin yet not without sometimes some
loved the world more than I had loved Jesus Christ Then I was afflicted in my spirit with fear because I could not believe that Jesus Christ had dyed for me I besought the Lord by earnest prayer that he would be pleased to spare me for I found my self to be very unfit for death I made Promises to the Lord that if he did please to spare me I would lead a new life and did resolve to walk more close to my God The Lord was pleased in mercy to hear my Prayer and grant this request and spare me a while longer to serve him in the land of the living But notwithstanding my promises and the great deliverance the Lord had wrought for me in keeping me back from Hell and the Grave I had soon forgotten all I began to love the world again and lived as vainly as before But the Lord smote my conscience and sorely troubled my spirit for this backsliding putting me in mind of the promises I had made to him in my sickness With great bitterness of heart and grief of Soul I mourned for my failings and did again resolve for the time to come to keep more close to God and set a watch over my heart But the more I looked into my heart the more vile I saw my self to be and was greatly troubled that I had so often played the hypocrite with my God I again besought the Lord by prayer that he would be pleased for Jesus Christ his sake to forgive all my sins and backslidings which I then was grieved for with loathing more than ever before My conscience was so wounded and my Soul cast down in so great a conflict that my spirits were almost dryed up and my heart began to grow weary and faint with crying and groaning after my Saviour Yet the Lord was pleased to humble me still more and more and to try me further as gold is tryed in the fire And my afflictions were doubled upon me by Satans malice who tempted me with evil thoughts which was grievous to my Soul When I had prayed with a troubled spirit as well as I could the Devil put thoughts into my mind quite contrary to the frame of a praying spirit When I had read the word of God he tempted me with doubts and questions touching some things therein whether it was truth or not And Satan followed his temptations so close upon me that as soon as the Lord had inabled me to repulse one temptation the Devil assaulted me with another so that I had scarce time to fetch my breath one temptation followed so close upon another Being troubled much in my spirit in this condition I was tempted to discontent that the Lord had not taken away these Temptations from me and in anger fell into some great passions even near unto desperation And I was sorely buffeted by the Devil in this my lowest extremity who assaulted me with fresh temptations of blasphemous thoughts touching God so that when in the bitterness of my Soul I was seeking after Jesus Christ and had named God he would put into my mind the objects of the brute Creatures and even whilst I was pouring out my Soul to the Creator and was pleading a promise he brought a curse to my thoughts Thus was I repulsed in all duties by Satans terrifying my Soul to perswade me that it was in vain for me to seek for Salvation because I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost which God by his word hath declared shall never be forgiven neither in this World nor in the World to come because I was discontented that the Lord after all my addresses to him had not delivered me from all my troubles But the Lord gave me strength to resist Satan and say in the bitterness of my Soul to my God far be it from me O Lord to be offended with thee And the Lord wrought this resolution in my Soul that I did protest before the Lord that although I should see nothing but Hell before me yet I would trust in him and stay my self upon my God until he pleased to send me deliverance I made my case known to a dear friend who gave me some comfort he told me that the sin against the Holy Ghost was to sin wilfully by perpetual despite against God I found a clear testimony in my conscience that I was so far from despiting the Spirit of grace that I had not sinned willingly against God for I found it to be an affliction to me to be tempted with evil thoughts touching the Lord tho' I consented not to them and I found my Soul grieved that I could not be freed from them And then with abundance of tears by often prayers and supplications to the Throne of Grace I poured sorth my sinful Soul at the foot-stool of Gods mercy exalting free grace and pleading the unspeakable riches of the mercies of God that would appear in the conversion of such a sinner as I had been Methoughts it seemed to exalt Gods mercy and to be one of the greatest manifestations of free grace in the world to be to the great glory of the Lord and unspeakable comfort of my poor Soul if he would be pleased to bring me to himself Now when by the Divine power of God my heart was thus resolved to trust in him and to wait upon him then the Lord was pleased to shew me to my comfort the example of Jesus Christ who had no sin in himself yet he was tempted of the Devil And likewise of Paul how Satan sent sent a messenger to buffet him who then prayed unto God and the Lord said my grace is sufficient for thee my power is made known in thy weakness Then I began to be comforted and to think if Christ himself was tempted if the children of God who had been eminent examples had lain under temptations and the Lord according to his promises had strengthned and delivered them there was hope for me And the Lord wrought faith in my heart to believe that he would strengthen me and keep me that I should not perish for ever And I have since found great consolation in many promises which the Lord hath revealed in his Word which I have pleaded before him some of which follow Isaiah 50.10 Who is among you that feareth the Lord and obeyeth the voice of his Servant that walketh in darkness and hath no light let him trust in the name of the Lord and stay upon his God I applyed this promise thus I had walked in darkness and saw no light but God had wrought in my heart to fear him and a willingness to obey my Saviour and a resolution to trust in the name of the Lord therefore I knew it was not in vain to stay my self upon my God And Matth. 12.20 It is said by Christ A bruised reed shall he not break and smoaking flax shall he not quench till he send forth judgment unto victory The Lord having broken and bruised me in
feeling what until then I was ignorant of and the blackness of my spirit was such with the burden of my troubled and afflicted soul that I could not at that time take comfort in any thing and had I not been with child affected with natural inclination to the Babe in my womb I had been in danger had not God prevented me to have destroyed my self for I had some temptations that way but my God strengthened me yet before I was brought to bed I found peace and comfort and through grace had such settlement in my spirit that I could with joy night and day call upon my God believingly but before I attained to this I had many sore conflicts until after some considerations that the Lord had put into my mind as first touching the child that I went with because God hath said The just and innocent slay thou not and then considering the innocency of the child it became a means to stay my hand from laying violence upon my self Yet for a time I was much troubled in spirit till God gave me peace from these and other Scripture promises where the Lord saith Call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver thee thou shalt â—lorify me Psal 50.15 Sin shall not have dominion 〈◊〉 you for ye are not under the Law but under grace Rom. 6.14 Now the testimonies of my conversion and true believing in which I hope I have a seal of my Interest in the Lord Iesus are these 1. My love to God which is real sincere and hearty desiring him above any thing else whatsoever 2. My relying upon Jesus Christ having nothing of my own to rest upon I fly to him and rest on him for all as my alone Saviour and Redeemer 3. I delight to read the holy Word of God and to hear or otherwise to partake thereof in which I find much comfort 4. The comfort which I find by inlargement of my soul when God comes in under the means in dutys and the loathnesse I have to be deprived of the Ordinances 5. The Peace I find with my God in my soul which is sweet though not without much heaviness of spirit for my failings I do not live without waines and changes in my Spiritual life and faith towards the Lord for sometimes I trust God with all and at other times I meet with some doubtings yet blessed be God I find them more and more asswaged and my communion with Christ every day more sweet and full 6. I doubt not but the Lord Jesus Christ my Redeemer will so support me through his Grace that what ever my condition hath been or shall be here I shall not fail of salvation through Christ in heaven for ever L. P. XXXV Experiences of F. P. I Have been troubled at the thoughts of my corruptions and wretched condition I have formerly had some doubtings touchings the Scriptures whether they were truth or not but have been since troubled that I made those foolish doubtings to question Gods word and was so wounded in my Conscience for my sin therein that I feared I should be damned for it because I thought it was a sin that God would not pardon I had also strange thoughts about the sinful wayes of ungodly people and considering how loosely people live I and temptations to perswade me that surely there was some easier way to Heaven then the Scriptures had laid down or then I had learnt But for these evil thoughts of mine I have been so afflicted in my spirit that I thought I was a damned wretch I have been tempted by these blasphemous thoughts against the Lord which have so afflicted me that somtimes I feared the Devil would fetch me away and carry me to Hell and I have thought sometimes that surely God could not in justice pardon such sinnes as I have committed I have also been tempted to make away my self but the Lord God put me in mind to consider that it would not give me ease or comfort but be the way to enter into endless miseries And thus I lay afflicted with a most sad trouble some spirit for about a year yet though with little hope from my present sence I had desires that God would save me and some groanings I had after him And in his time which is best I began to find inlargement of heart from God and a great longing for Christ which encreased through the working of his glorious power so that me thought I could have been content to have gone through all the miseries in the World to have enjoyed him And in my sleep I dreamed that I saw my Saviour lying in a Grave and after again I saw him risen from death when I awaked and had some thoughts about my dream I found comfort in my soul and begun more sweetly to hope that Christ Jesus dyed for my sins and is risen again for my justification but the Devil who goes about like a roaring Lyon did still tempt me so that I was again ready to despair for my former evil thoughts and I was afraid that Satan would have me and I doubted that God had no part in me which caused me to weep much and I was exceedingly troubled and sometimes thought that verily I heard the Devil coming in a Whirlwind for me and so terrified was my conscience that from the thoughts of the wrath which I feared I could have wished my self a Beast a Dog or any thing because their misery would have an end But after many comfortable discourses with friends and reading some godly books that came to my hands the Lord God in time delivered me from those temptations and hath since comforted me with these Promises to the great joy of my heart though some times I have not been without some doubtings The Lord hath said Be content with such things as ye have for he hath said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee so that I may boldly say the Lord is my helper Heb. 13.5 6. The Lord saith sin shall not have dominion over you Rom. 6.14 This hath often given me much comfort and kept up my soul when I have been ready to despair And Christ saith I will pray the Father and he shall give you another comforter that he may abide with you for ever even the Spirit of truth John 14.16 17. And I have this testimony of my interest in Christ by faith wrought by his blesstd Spirit in me 1 I see such a frailty in my flesh that except the Lord send his holy Spirit to inable me I cannot do any thing of my duty to God of my self it is the Spirit of the Lord and not any thing in me that is the foundation of my comfort 2. I have had many times if my heart deceive me not clear testimonies and evidences that I love God more than any thing else and desire him above all 3. I desire much to hear the Word and am troubled that sometimes it doth not so
when God hath taken away my children 3. When I have been under fears that God would take away my deaf husband by some dangerous sickness which he lay under 4. When I have been under great fears in the time of our Civil Wars 5. When I have been under Spiritual Desertion by Gods hiding his face and favour from me or by reason of weakness and wants in grace Or by reason of strong and prevaling corruptions or by reason of Satans temptations In all these Cases I have experienced Gods gracious Dispensations toward me of which I shall set down a few It pleased God for many years to keep me for the most part in a sad and desolate Estate and condition not clearly evidencing the certain assurance of his love to my soul So that many times I questioned whether I was a Child of God or no whether I had part in Jesus Christ or no whether I should ever attain to life and salvation or no and this made me walk with a drooping and disconsolate Spirit so that I could have no sure comfort in any thing But tho' heaviness endured for a night yet joy came in the morning when the Lord caused the light of his countenance to shine upon me which was better than life It pleased God upon the death of my youngest Child that it lay very heavy upon my Spirit in so much that I was brought oft upon my knees to beg support from God and to crave his grace and assistance that I might not break out to speak or act any thing whereby Gods name might be dishonoured or the Gospel discredited And that he would be pleased to make up this outward loss with some more durable and Spiritual good and the Lord was pleased to return a gracious and speedy answer to these my requests for though I lay long under the burden of that loss yet the Lord in his due time did sweetly manifest his special love to my soul assuring me that he was my gracious and reconciled Father in Christ whereby my love to him was much increased and even inflamed so that by his grace it wrought in me more diligence and carefulness to maintain and preserve these Evidences of his love and to yield a lively submission unto his will as well in suffering as in doing As also by avoiding whatsoever might provoke him to withdraw the evidences of his love from me without the sense whereof I could take little or no comfort in any thing And furthermore I bless God for it and speak it to the praise and glory of his rich and free grace my prayers and earnest desires have been answered by God's giving me comfortable assurance both from the testimony of his holy Word and the witness of his blessed Spirit of my eternal and everlasting Salvation in and by Jesus Christ Yet have I not been without fears and doubtings many times through want of looking over my Evidences or by neglecting to keep a narrow watch over my heart or from some weakness of my Faith and all through my own default and negligence the Lord pardon it and make me more circumspect for the time to come By all these I have gained this Experience 1. That God is true and faithful in making good all his promises seasonably unto us As that All things shall work together for our good and that God will never leave us nor forsake us c. 2. That it is not in vain to wait upon God and to seek unto him in our straits who is more ready to hear than we are to ask 3. That I desire to see yea the Lord hath shewed me the vanity and uncertainty of the most satisfying comforts that this World can afford and what an emptiness there is in them that so I may and I desire so to do keep weaned affections toward them and to sit loose from them that I may be ready to part with them when God calls them from me or me from them Again in regard of bodily weekness and sickness my Experiences have been these 1. That as a broken shoulder can bear no burden so the least distemper when the heart is not in a holy frame and temper is a burden insupportable If God hides his face from us and withdraws the evidences of his love and denies to assist us by his strength we can neither do nor suffer any thing And on the contrary I found by experience that I could with much chearfulness holy submission and willingness bear great distempers when I enjoyed the favour of God in them So that then I could readily say Good is the Work of the Lord as well as his Word And I will bear the Indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against him Micah 7.9 And Job 13.15 Though he slay me yet will I trust in him 2. I found by experience also that by my pains and sickness I was the better able to sympathize with and to pity and pray for others in the like case 3. Hereby I learn'd the more to prize health and that upon several accounts namely because in health we have liberty and opportunity to enjoy the Publick Ordinances with others of God's People whereby the Graces of true Christians are quickened strengthened and increased in us which otherwise by reason of our corrupt Natures are apt to grow cold and languish as will our bodies if they want food Again because in health we enjoy the benefit and the comfort of sweet and quiet sleep which much refreshes and cheers and which commonly we want in sickness Lastly Because in health we find sweet satisfying comfort in the use of God's good Creatures whereas in sickness the daintiest food is loathsom and troublesom The consideration of these things made me the more to prize health to be very thankful for it and the more careful to imploy and improve health and strength to God's glory and the furtherance of my own Salvation In regard of publick dangers I have had a great deal of experience of God's goodness toward me and mine several times For when in the begining of the Civil Wars and Distractions 1642. I was sometimes overwhelmed with weak and distrustful fears occasioned by my not acting Faith upon the Promises and not remembring my former Experiences nor considering Gods love power and fidelity to his Children in performing his so many gracious promises made unto them in all estates and conditions and to me among the rest Hereupon I resolved by God's grace and assistance not to give way to this distrust and diffidence praying God to assist me therein and found more courage than formerly so far as I knew my own heart though truly the heart is very deceitful as I have found by sad experience the Lord teach me and inable me to rely upon him with more courage and constancy and more to live by Faith upon his promises than formerly I have done Indeed I have been apt to fall into new fears upon approaching dangers yet upon
successes and glorious deliverances I have oft resolved never to distrust God again and yet my naughty heart hath deceived me and made me ready to faint but this I found by experience to the praise of my God's Free Grace that as troubles have abounded my consolations have abounded much more For God brought seasonably into my mind many precious promises which were as so many sweet Cordials which much supported and comforted my heart and upheld my spirit when new storms have arisen and unexpected deliverances have followed And I have and do resolve by God's Grace not to distrust him any more Yer though more and greater daâ—gers shall arise yet I will trust in him and stay my self upon him Though as Job said he should slay me The good Lord establish my heart in this good and holy resolution who is able to keep us to the end and hath promised that he will preserve us by his power through Faith to the Salvation of our Souls In regard of Satan's Temptations especially concerning my coming to the Sacrament of the Lord's Supper my Experiences have been these Finding often that I was very unable to fit and prepare my self for a comfortable approach to that sacred Ordinance I used to desire the prayers of the Congregation unto God in my behalf and used the best endeavour I could in private as God enabled me though I came far short of what was required and of what I desired So that I did trust and hope through God's mercy to find a comfortable day of it and to have it a sealing Ordinance to my Soul But on the contrary I found much deadness and little spiritual tast relish and comfort in the use of it so that my spirit was oft much troubled and cast down in me fearing lest I had some secret sin undiscovered and unrepented of which caused the Lord thus to hide his face from me But then my gracious God brought this into my mind that the Lord doth sometimes afflict us for the exercise and improvement of our graces as well as to humble us for our sins I also considered that as the Lord doth tender great mercies to us in this Sacrament renewing his Covenant of Grace and sealing to us the pardon of our sins in the Blood of Christ so he gives us leave to ingage our selves by renewing our Covenant with him to believe in him and to trust upon Christ for Life and Salvation And it pleased God to give me Faith to apply this to my own particular Soul and a while after to shew me and to make good to my Soul that precious and comfortable promise That tho' he hides his face from us for a little moment yet with mercy and loving kindness he will return to us again This was a wonderful comfort and support to my dejected heart Blessed be the Lord for ever I desire to treasure up these Experiences that for the future I may in the like case resolve to put my whole trust and confidence in him that so Satan may not intrap me in his snares through unbelief but that I may resist him stedfast in the Faith For I am not altogether ignorant of his devices God's promise is that in all these things we shall be more than Conquerors through him that hath loved us And hath said that This is the Victory whereby we overcome the World even our Faith 1 John 5.4 In the year 1664. there came to us the sad News of the death of my second Son Mr. John Clark a godly faithful and powerful Minister Thus as the waves of the Sea follow one another so God is pleased to exercise his Children with one affliction after another he sees whilst we carry about us this body of sin we have need of manifold Tryals and Temptations as saith the Apostle 1 Pet 1.6 Now for a season ye are in heaviness if need be through manifold temptations to keep us under and to make us the better to remember our selves Indeed it hath been the Lord's course and dealing with me ever since he stopped me in the way as I was posting to Hell to raise up one affliction or other either inward or outward either from Satan the World or my own corrupt heart and nature not having wisdom and grace to behave and carry my self as I ought under his various dispensations and providences as appeared at this time by his laying so great and grievous an affliction upon me in taking away so dear a Son from whom I had much Soul-comfort and ardent affections which he manifested by his fervent prayers for me and by his spiritual Letters and Writings to me wherein he applied himself suitably to my comfort in those inward troubles of heart and spirit that lay upon me This caused my grief and sorrows to take the greater hold on me upon the loss of one who was so useful to me Yet hereby I do not derogate from my Elder Son from whom I have the like help and comfort Upon this sad occasion my grief grew so great that I took no pleasure of any thing in the World but was so overwhelmed with melancholy and my natural strength was so abated that little food served my turn and I judged that I could not live long in such a condition Hereupon I began to examine my heart why it should be so with me and whether carnal and inordinate affections were not the great cause of my trouble which I much feared And having used many Arguments and laid down many Reasons to my self to quiet and moderate my passions yet nothing prevailed to quiet and calm my heart and to bow me to the obedience of Gods revealed Will And withal considering that it was God only that could quiet the heart and set our unruly and carnal affections into an holy frame and order and that he was a present help in time of trouble I often and earnestly sought the Lord with many Prayers and Tears beseeching him to quiet my heart and to over-power and tame my unruly affections so as to be willing to submit unto him and to bear his afflicting Hand patiently and fruitfully and to be ready and willing to submit either in doing or suffering whatsoever he pleased to impose upon me and to be ready to part with the best cutward comfort I enjoyed whensoever he should please to call for the same And it pleased God seasonably to hear my Prayer to regard my Tears and to grant my Requests by calming and quieting my heart and spirit and to give me much more contentedness to submit to his holy Will and good Pleasure who is a God of Judgment and knows the fittest times and seasons to come in with refreshing comforts and who waits to be gracious unto those that trust in him Yet surely I was not without many temptations in this hour of darkness from that subtle Adversary who always stands at watch to insinuate and frame his temptations answerable to our conditions and like a roaring Lion
received the applause of the whole Company Upon which my mind was terribly struck and I immediately replied thus to my self Good God! that a man that walks upright that sees the wonderful works of God and has the uses of his sense and reason should use them to the defying of his Creator But tho' this was a good beginning towards my Conversion to find my Conscience touched for my sins yet it went off again yet all my life long I had a secret value and reverence for an honest man and lov'd Morality in others but I had formed an odd Scheme of Religion to my self which would solve all that God or Conscience might force upon me yet I was not ever well reconciled to the business of Religion nor had that reverence for the Gospel as I ought to have This Estate of mind continued till the 53. chapter of Isaiah was read to him wherein there is a lively discription of the sufferings of our saviour and the benefits thereof and some other portions of Scripture by the power and efficacy of which word assisted by his holy spirit God so wrought upon his heart that he declared that the mysteries of the Passion appeared so clear and plain to him as ever any thing did that was represented in a glass so that the joy and admiration which possessed his soul upon the reading of Gods word to him was remarkable to all about him and he had so much delight in his Testimonies that he begged his mother and Lady to read the same to him frequently and was unsatisfied notwithstanding his great pains and weakness till he had learned especialy the 53. chapter of Isaiah with out book comparing this prophecy with the Passion of Christ in the Evangelists and observing that it was clearly foretold by the Prophet some hundred of years before it was accomplished and this consideration had such mighty influence upon his soul and strengthned his faith that afterward he never had the least doubt about the certainty of the Gospel and eternal salvation by Jesus Christ He said the in the first verse of that chapter the prophet declared what great opposition the Doctrine of Christ Crucified would meet with in the world from such obstinate sinners as he was who hath believed our report and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed And that the lowliness of his condition and person upon earth would cause weak and inconsidering men to undervalue him because he did not appear with the vain splendor pomp wherin they were pleased This he said was plainly predicted in the second verse He hath no form or comliness and when we shall see him there is no beauty that we should desire him At the same time discoursing of the manner of his youth up which all men knew was too too much devoted to the service of sin and that the lusts of the flesh of the eye and the pride of life had captivated him He was very large and particular in his acknowledgments about it and more ready to accuse himself than any other could be Publickly crying out O Blesse God can such an horrid creature as I am be accepted by thee who has denied thy Being and contemned thy Power can there be Pardon and mercy for me will God own such a wretch as I am shall the unspeakable joys of heaven be conferred upon me O Mighty Saviour never but through thine infinite love and satisfaction O never but by the purchase of thy blood Adding that with all abhorrency he did reflect upon his former course of life that sincerely and from his heart he did repent of all that folly and madness which he had committed He had a true and lively sense of God's great mercy to him in strikeing his hard heart and laying his conscience open which hitherto had been deaf to all God's calls and methods saying If that God who dyed for Great as well as Lesser sinners did not speedily apply his infinite merits to his poor soul his wound was such as no man could conceive or bear Crying out that he was the vilest wretch and Dog that the sun shined upon or the earth bore that now he saw his error in not living up to that Reason which God had endued him with and which he had unworthily vilified and centemned wishing that he had been a starving Leper crawling in a ditch that he had been a link boy or a beggar or for his whole lifetime confined to a Dungeon rather than thus to have sinned against his God His faith was remarkable in an hearty embraceing and pious Confession of all the Articles of the Christian Religion and all the Divine mysteries of the Gospel saying that the absurd and foolish Philosophy which the world so much admired propogated by the late Mr. Hobs and others had undone him and many more of the best Parts in the nation who without Gods great mercy may never it may be attain to such a serious repentance as his was He faithfully adhered to and cast himself entirely upon the mercies of Jesus Christ and the free grace of God declared to repenting sinners thro' him with a thankful remembrance of his life Death and resurrection begging of God to strengthen his faith and often crying out Lord I believe help thou mine unbelief He had a mighty love for and esteem of the holy Scriptures which he had formerly too much slighted and ridicul'd taking up resolutions to read them frequently and meditate upon them if God should spare him having already tasted the good word for having spoken to his heart he acknowledged all the seeming absurdities and contradictions thereof fancied by men of corrupt and reprobate judgments were vanished and their excellencies and beauty appeared being come to receive the truth in the love of it He was extraordinary fervent and frequent in his prayers and supplications and often called upon others to pray for and with him or to read the Scriptures to him and toward the end of his sickness would heartily desire God to pardon his infirmities if he should not be so wakeful Intent thro' the duty as he wished to be and that tho' the flesh was weak yet the Spirit was willing and hoped God would accept that He continually beseeched God by his grace and Holy Spirit to sustain him and to keep him from all evil thoughts from all temptations and Diabolical suggestions and every thing that might be prejudicial to rhat religious temper of mind which God had now so happily endued him withal Crying out one night especially how terribly the Tempter did assault him by casting upon him leud and wicked imaginations but I thank God said he I abhor them all and by the power of his grace which I am sure is sufficient for me I have overcome them t' is the malice of the Devil because I am rescued from him and the goodness of God that frees me from all my spiritual enemies He was very joyful at his Lady's
conversion from Popery being as he termed it a faction supported only by fraud and cruelty which was done by her with deliberation and mature judgment He was heartily concerned for the pious education of his Children wishing that his son might never be a wit that is said he that he might never be one of those wretched Creatures who pride themselves in abusing God and Religion denying his being or his ptovidence but that he might become an honest and a religious man which could only be the support and blessing of his family complaining what a vicious and naughty world his children were brought into and that no fortunes or honours were comparable to the love and savour of God to them in whose name he blessed them prayed for them and committed them to his Protection He had one son and three daughters and once calling them all before him he said to a Gentleman then present that he might there observe how good the Almighty had been to him in bestowing so many blessings upon him but that he had carried himself to God likâ— an ungratious and unthankful Dog He gave strict charge to those Persons in whose custody his papers were to burn all his prophane and leud writings as being only fit to promote vice and immorality by which he had so highly offended God and shamed and blasphemed that holy Religion into which he had been baptized and all his obscene and filthy pictures which were so notoriously scandalous He shewed much readiness to make restitution to the utmost of his power to all persons whom he had injured and for those whom he could not make compensation to he prayed for God's and there pardons And he was remarkably just in taking all posible care for the payment of his debts which before he confessed he had not so fairly and effectualy done He was exceeding ready to forgive all injuries done against him some of which he particularly mentioned which were great and provoking yet he was willing not only to pardon them but likewise to give them assurance of his future friendship and hoping that he should be as freely forgiven at the hand of God He was very tender and concerned for his servants who were about him in his extremities to whom he was very kind by his last Will pitying there troubles in watching with him and attending him treating them with candor and gentleness as if they had been his Equals He heartily endeavoured to be serviceble to those about him exhorting them to the fear and love of God and to make good use of his forbearance and long suffering to sinners which should lead them to repentance And particularly a Person of Quality coming to visit him on his death bed he addressed him with this most pious and most passionate exclamation O Remember that you contemn God no more He is an avenging God and will visit you for your sins and will in mercy I hope touch your conscience sooner or later as he hath done mine you and I have been friends and sinners together a great while therefore I am the more free with you we have been all mistaken in our conceits and opinions our persuasions have been false and groundless therefore God grant you repentance and seeing the same Gentleman the next day again he said to him perhaps you were disobliged by my plainess to you yâ—sterday I spake the words of truth and soberness to you and striking his hand upon his breast he added I hope God will turn your heart And he commanded his Chaplain to preach abroad and to let all men know if they knew it not already how severely God had disciplin'd him for his sins by his afflicting hand that his sufferings were most iust tho he had laid ten thousand times more upon him How he had laid one stripe upon another because of his greivous provocations till he had brought him home to himself That his former visitations had not tâ—at blessed effect which he was now sensible of He had formerly some loose thoughts and slight resolutions of reforming and designed-to be better because even the present consequences of sin were still pestering him and were so troublesome and inconvenient to him but that he had now other sentiments of things and acted upon other principles He gave it another learned Divine in charge not to spare him if he should dye in publishing any thing which might be of use to the Living being willing that the worst as well as the best part of his life should be exposed so sincere was he in his repentance as to be willing to take shame to himself by suffering his faults to be exposed for the benefit of others Praying God that as his life had done much hurt so his death might do some good Lastly He discovered a great willingness to dye if it pleased God resigning himself always to the Divine disposal but if God should spare him yet a longer time here he hoped to bring glory to the Name of God in the whole course of his life and particularly by his endeavours to convince others and to assure them of the danger of their condition if they continued impenitent and how graciously God had dealt with him being desirous to live upon no other account but that by the change of his manners and his former company and course of life he might in some measure take off the high scandal that his former behaviour had given He had a great sense of his Obligations to those worthy Divines who charitably and frequently visited him and prayed with him and were thereby all very serviceable to his Repentance I shall conclude these Remarks with his Dying Remonstrance signed by his own hand as his truest sense which is as follows For the benefit of all those whom I have drawn into sin by my Example and Encouragement I leave to the World this my last Declaration which I deliver in rhe presence of the Great God who knows the secrets of all hearts and before whom I am now appearing to be judged That from the bottom of my Soul I detest and abhor the whole course of my former wicked life that I think I can never sufficiently admire the goodness of God who has given me a true sense of my pernicious Opinions and vile Practices by which I have hitherto lived without hope and without God in the World have been an open Enemy to Jesus Christ doing the utmost despite to the Holy Spirit of Grace And that the greatest Testimony of my Charity to such is to warn them in the name of God and as they regard the welfare of their immortal souls no more to deny his Being or his providence or despise his goodness no more to make a mock of sin or contemn the pure and excellent Religion of my ever blessed Redeemer through whose merits alone I one of the greatest of sinners do yet hope for mercy and forgiveness Amen Declared and signed June 19. 1680. in the presence of J. Rochester