into my spirit to beat me off from that pitch of faith which I then found my spirit breathing after viz. that where the Lord gives such great strength of faith or any other grace he gives also as great trials and that therefore if I had the one I must expect the other also and so should not only be a means to pull down sorrows afflictions and trialls upon my own head but also in lying under them and so sadly dishonour God as now I do which at the present did somewhat take of the edge of my affections and weaken my former desires untill the Lord was pleased to discover to me that it was a meer temptation whether from Sathan or my own heart my deceitful but subtle enemies to skare me with such fears which temptation the Lord was pleased to enable me to overcome with grief that I should in the least parly with it and again to renew my former desires and withal to beg his continual presence with me in all whatever trialls and conditions he should bring me under that he would keep me from dishonouring him under them and manifest himself to me through them and then to do with me as seemeth him good A few dayes after as I was one Evening writing a letter unto a dear kinswoman of mine who at that time lay under some sad dispensation from the Lord whereupon I took occasion to urge that promise upon her in Rom. 8. 28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God c. which whiles I was indeavouring to presse upon her the Lord was pleased to cause it to fall with mighty power upon my heart which was set home upon my spirit not only as that which I should rest upon and expect the performance of but as that which I had had much experience through all the dealings of God with me to have been continually made good so that the experience which the Lord had given me of his dealings with my soul for many years in all the afflictions and exercises I had lyen under whether in body or mind in loss of relations or comforts c. yea the very withholding â—he light of Gods face which is life it self â— did restifie to the truth of this word having been all of them by the Lord brought and wrought about for my good the Lord enabling me to cleave the closer to himself and take the faster hold of him from the consideration of all which there fell this farther hint with some weight upon my spirit that it should also be even so with me in respect of those corruptions that I was still pestred with and groaned under But there being yet especially at some times many confused fears upon my spirit which I could give very little reason for upon the second day of the eleventh moneth 1652. being the first day of the week the Lord was pleased yet further to appear with a very seasonable word to my soul vvhich did much refresh it it vvas thus Mr. Knight being in the afternoone in his ministery at Fulham upon that Scripture in Heb. 2. 1 2 3. stirring us up to hearken diligently to Jesus Christ and not to let any of his words at any timeslip out of our hearts whence also he took occasion to comfort the people of God upon this accompt that Christ should think their eares worthy of hearing his voice that he should not always send his messengers nor make use of instruments but should often rather as it were chuse to speak himsel at which words the Lord was pleased to touch my heart and to make it sweetly to melt before him with joy to think that Christ should thus speak to my soul as I now saw he had done by him 2 years before vvho vvhen he had visited me vvith that sore loss of my dear parent and cast me and my Mother both upon our sick beds neither of us being able to speak to each other yea when no friend or creature either could or did indeavour to speak a vvord of comfort to my poor soul which vvas in a most sad condition for vvant of a clear sight of God under all these dispensations of his towards me vvho having as it vvere by his own hand as I now really beleeve he did shut up and stop'd all other mouths yet that now the Lord Jesus should choose to speak himself as I found he had done in some measure supporting my spirit vvhich vvas ready to sinck and give up under the heavy burthen it lay both of the sense of guilt and wrath all vvhich being put together Oh! hovv did the sight of his love both melt and chear my heart Then did the Lord also the next day being the second day of the same vveek bring to my mimd and thoughts those vvords that are recorded of Job in Job 9. 11. vvhich after I had paused a little upon contrary to my intention or thoughts I vvent on still reading though but in a briefe quick vvay being straightned of time for it vvas late in the Evening but I took a view of the vvhole book of Job untill I came to the end of it and the thing in general that vvas hinted to me and fell upon my spirit from the whole vvas this that none of al Jobs friends vvho indeavored to speak to him could neither hint out a vvord of comfort or of conviction to him in this sad estate none of all their vvords taking hold at all upon his spirit untill God himself came to speak and then one word of God doth it making him cry out Job 40. 45. Behold I am vile what shall I answer thee I will lay my hand upon my mouth Once have I spoken but I will not answer yea twice but I will proceed no further and again Job 42. 5 6. I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear but now mine eye seeth thee therefore I abhorre my self and repent in dust and ashes that was as I conceive when God spake which caused me strongly to reflect upon mine own heart thereby calling to mind how many instructions convictions and comforts have been from time to time for many years past by several friends and servants of God held out to me which never took any hold at all upon my spirit but when God himself will take in hand to speak he can bring things past and gone quite back again as he did the Sun upon t he Dial of Ahaz 2 King 22. 11. and bring them fresh into memory and cause the soul to see his hand and work in all and so to abhorre it self for those abominable unbeleeving thoughts and jealousies of God that have been upon its heart when as the Lord hath as it were took all opportunities to beget in the soul good and honourable thoughts of him Then hearing this same night that Mr. Simpson was next morning being the third day of this week to begin his lecture in Friday street
pleased the Lord so to order it Mr. Knight being absent Mr. Barker came in that day who was altogether unknown to me who taking a view of this paper among others did mention it before the Lord both in the entrance as also in the close of that dayes service the Lord putting into his heart and mouth a very seasonable word to my poor soul which was then spoken from 2 Pet. 2. 3 4 5. If so be that you have tasted that the Lord is gracious to whom coming as living stone dissallowed indeed of men but chosen of God and precious c. From which Scripture and what the Lord was pleased by him at that time to communicate from it did my soul receive very much refreshment and satisfaction Then did the Lord also direct the spirits of those that carried on that meeting to treat much about temptations from which there was many seasonable useful truths set home upon my heart finding by this discourse that Scripture in 1 Cor. 10. 13. plainly made good to my poor soul that no temptation had taken me but such as I now saw was common to others that I durst not think but to be the people of God now hearing them complain of the same things which together with the refreshments and supporting considerations under each of these which were held out to us was my poor drooping spirit mightily supported After this it pleased the Lord also to direct them in this meeting to treat about that great grace of faith and so afterwards to answer many doubts and fears that lay upon many souls from all vvhich being too large here to relate my soul received very much refreshing being in the close of that service put again upon it by the spirit of the Lord through these his servants to put the question to my soul at every turn doubt vvhence comest thou or vvherefore dost thou doubt and truely the Lord having spoken so much to my soul by all these means and instruments formerly mentioned that the strength of my doubts and feares began so to scatter that I could give very little account of the cause or ground of them being also now convinced in some measure that I did by these doubts feares jealousies and hard thoughts of God much provoke and dishonour him so that though formerly I thought it as it vvere a virtue in me to be doubting and questioning my estate I came now in some measure through grace to see that it vvas a heynous sin and therefore to endeavour strive and pray and do all I could against them Yet did often I lye under many sad apprehensions arising hence being convinc'd by the word in reading in one of Mr. Burrows books that there is no vvorship acceptable to God but that vvhich is tendered up to him as a father and the father of our Lord Jesus Christ now I not finding my self able at that time to look upon God or look up to him under this relation of a father only looking upon him as a gracious merciful and yet withall a just severe God this vvas a great trouble to my spirit then did the Lord by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight at the Chappel at Hammersmith put me upon the serious thoughts of that Scripture in Jer. 3. 1 4 12 13 14 15 19. vers Which at that times took much upon my heart in this particular having no power to gainsay the duty required in it the Lord being pleased by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight and sometimes some others to come in further carrying on this vvork that he had thus begun in my soul enabling me daily more and more to grovv up towards a more full assurance and confident rouling upon and giving up my vvhole soul to Jesus Christ giving me bodily to see more and more my own emptiness nothingness the conrinual need I stood in of him vvithout vvhom I now saw that I vvas nothing had nothing and could have nothing but only sin as also that fullness that is in him together vvith a readiness to give forth and communicate out of it to poor creatures vvho see the need they have of it and come to him for it vvhich I now desired above all things strength to do and that I might go vvholy out of my self and come to him for life then hearing that Mr. Knight and some fevv christians more vvere about gathering into a communion together I vvas much rejoyced in spirit at it supposing that happily the Lord might please to make it a mercy to me if I could but see him clearing up my way and opening a door for me to joyn with them which work seeming for a time to go on in their desires and intentions yet there was much fear arose in my spirit concerning it how I should be enabled to make out my condition so as that I might be approved of being full of ebbings and flowings sometimes hoping a little and sometimes again full of fears Thus being at a great stand in my self not knowing what to do but often seeking the Lord concerning it who was pleased at last to enable me to take up this resolution that through his grace assisting of me I would put it upon the trial relying upon him to enable me to make out what himself had wrought in my soul though in much weakness yet I hoped in truth and this I was the more willing unto that Scripture or rule of the Apostle being then much set upon the heart in the 1 Pet. 3. 15. Be ready alwayes to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear and though I was very sensible of my own disability hereunto yet rather than to deprive my self of such a benefit I was enabled in some measure to submit yet not without many fears and that strong ones too that I should not be accepted of the Lord now enabling me to take up these thoughts that I would through his assistance do my duty and offer my self and if the Lord should so order the spirits of his people to deny me I did desire to see his mind and to expect strength from him to submit to his will manitested through it acknowledging it no more nor so much as I had deserved considering with all that my desire was chiefly and in the first place to approve my self to the Lord and if he saw it good to his people also but if otherwise my desire was though I knew not how I should be enabled to do it yet however to wait upon the Lord and follow him still untill he should see good to make out a way for me then was there a day kept to seek the Lord on the behalf of Mrs. Arnal which by providence I heard of and had a desire to be at which accordingly I did at which time my spirit was much stirred up to crave the prayers of the people of God that
A Wise Virgins Lamp Burning OR Gods sweet incomes of LOVE to a gracious soul waiting for him BEING The EXPERIENCES of Mrs. ANNE VENN Daughter to Col. John Venn Member of the Church of Christ at Fulham written by her own hand and found in her Closet after her death Wherein is declared her exceeding frequent Addresses to the Throne of Grace and how speedily answered Written for the comfort of such as mourn in Sion and quickning of Saints by her blessed Example Psal 30.5 VVeeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning Psal 66.16 Come and hear all ye that fear God I will declare what he hath done for my soul Psal 85.8 I will hear what God the Lord will say for he will speak Peace to his people Lam. 3.25 The Lord is good to them that wait for him to the soul that seeketh him LONDON Printed for E. Cole and are to be sold at the signe of the Printing-Press in Cornhil 1658. Christian Reader HEre mayest thou see the free frequent familiar intercourse betwixt the Lord a godly soul her continual Addresses to him and his gracious Returnes to her doubtless she was one that as it is said of Caleb followed God fully and lay as much in the besome of Christ as any that I have heard of a rare pattern in these cold declining times wherein so many either turn aside from the truth or else lose their first Love but her pious soul in an eminent manner kept Truth and Zeal warm her in heart even till she enjoyed full communion with her beloved in Heaven As she began to seek after God betimes about the age of nine years so she continued with her loins girt her Lamp burning and her Light shining more and more till the perfect day The tenderness of God the malice of Satan her patience in waiting on God for certain years t gether in her first conversion were remarkable The closeness of her spirit not opening her condition to such as might have relieved her her seeking to heal her self by duties and holy walking for a long time kept down her soul from looking up to the free Grace in Christ till she was even tyred out as Noahs Dove by fluttering upon the unsteady waters but then the Lord Jesus put forth his hand and took her weary soul into the Ark of his rest giving her such a clear sight of himself that now having with the Spouse found her beloved she took him and caught him and held him and would not let him go oft saying with the Spouse Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for his love is better then Wine being able from that time to sing the sweet Song of Simeon longing to be at home with her Jesus Oh the peace and or Oh the blessed revivings and quicknings Oh the prayer praises and admirings her precious soul was filled withall from that day forward though now aâ—d then some secret withdrawings to the last moment of her life Her conversation was in heaven she walked with God her heart loosned from this world as this Treatise fully speaks so much of her strength spirit affection and time she spent in Closet-meetings with God in reading praying meditation self-examination c. that it was a wonder her poor weak body was able to subsist and doubtless had not God renewed her strength anointing her with fresh oyle it could not have been I marvelled I confess to see so many of her writings found in her Closet as I did God gave her a quick wit a large understanding a considering spirit and looking much into her self taught her to put an high price on ordinances made her very diligent in the use of all means laid her very low in her own eyes with much self-emptiness thus bespoko a la ge room in her heart that he might bestow a great deale of Christ therein and so made her a Vessel capable of a greater measure of Grace then I am perswaded many others though truly godly attain on this side heaven So exceeding tender was her heart in point of sin that she would often and deeply judge her self as this Treatise abundantly shews for pride passion inordinate love to the creature neglect of duty to her relations c. whereas those that daylie conversed with her being of discerning spirits could see no such appearances but the contrary frame of spirit eminently shining out in her she was so afraid of pride that she dared not wear such Jewels apparel as she had by her for feâ—r her heart should be drawn from God thereby and so fearful of vain glory that though she had this Treatise of the incomes of God lying by her yet not any no not her dear Parents ever knew thereof till they found it in her Closet after her death her sel leaving this as the reason lest her wretched heart should be lifted up and others should think better of her then was meet She was such an high prizer of Ordinances that she forgetting the weakness of her own body the length of the way many other obstructons would frequently break through all to enjoy them and when she was to hear she first was ful of prayer to God to meet her therein and make out some discoveries to her soul which the Lord usually did and she straightly observing Gods incomes returned with praise her deep acknowledgements of the same No small importunities of very many godly that knew her have forced the publishing of this Treatise and others of long standing in Christ and eminent Grace who have seen some of it in Manuscripts have freely confessed they never looked into it but were much humbled to soe how short themselves come in such heart-searchings self-judgings close-walkings with God and such observings of the answer of their prayers as they read in this her daylie practice I hope it may be useful in these declining times to convince some Christians of their slackness and awaken others and shew them how to make more heart-work by the example of one of the weak Sex and if to thy knowledge it should not adde much yet to thy spirit and practice it may conduce not a little Thine in our dearest Lord and Head THO. WELD To all that love the appearance of the Lord Jesus Grace and Peace BEing called upon by the earnest importunity of many gracious souls to give forth my testimony of this blessed servant of Christ Mr Anne Venn and having had many yeers converse about the great matters of eternal life with her and injoying her society for some yeers in the holy fellowship of the gospel I could not but present to the Saints the sweet savour of her holy walking in which she was a lively example to all that knew her The Lord first brake in upon her heart by the frequent impressions of the Word as they were instilled into her by her honour'd father whose practice was to re-inforce the Truths publikely preached
any time been spoken to me in way of comfort by Mr. Love who onely was acquainted with my fears it tooke no hold upon me at all nor abode upon my spirit save only in the minute it was spoken for the truth is I was then too remisse in taking notice or observing the passages of Gods providence towards me not being able then to beleeve that it was indeed a work of God upon my soul which since through grace he hath been pleased more evidently to declare Then coming from thence to London much about the year 1645. being now a little instructed in the notional knowledg of many points in religion I had now a new temptation besetting me in this manner that if I would but walk more closely with the Lord and make more conscience of all known duties whether hearing prayer meditation examination c. That then I might more comfortably look up unto the Lord and also find in my self divers qualifications annexed to several promises which might much comfort me which work I began to set about indeavouring to tye my self strictly to it and according as I was able desiring the Lords assistance and withall making him many promises that if he would make out love to me I would be and do thus and thus But upon trial finding my self to fail in every thing sometimes through temptation to neglect or put off duties for a time which was occasion'd many wayes sometimes being in company I could not well leave or the like all which weighing in my mind did stil augment and increase my trouble finding this strict course though yet I could not keep close to to be a burthen to me with many such wicked thoughts whereby I came to apprehend my self as it were still farther and farther from heaven and happiness in all which time I could find little ground of any comfort unless taken from my desires which I could not apprehend constant neither But indeavouring still to go on in this poor way of performances I had some smal comfort finding as I thought some qualifications in my soul which were annexed unto divers promises where-upon I was somewhat at the present stayed and began to gather up some tottering hopes of the goodness of my condition from Mat. 11. 28. and such like Scriptures Then living near unto Mr. Love and the Presbyterian government being then about to be set up I had much strife in my self whether to joyn with them in it or no and so to partake of the ordinances whereby I might come to have my interest in the Lord Jesus Christ sealed up unto me being exceeding fearfull lest if I should slight or put off such an opportunity it might be laid to my charge another day that I had it offered me but would not accept of it so that at last I resolved to joyn with them and partake of the ordinance that so I might come to have my graces strengthened and my corruptions weakened and also come to enjoy more communion with Jesus Christ which I had some weak distracted though no abiding hopes of Thus having been before the elders there examined somewhat touching my knowledg c. and the time of administration of the Lords-supper drawing nigh I indeavoured for some dayes before in a serious and solemn manner to set my self in the Lords presence beseeching him to fit me for it together with the examination of my own heart both touching my duties and graces as also touching my sins and wants which I desired a supply of still begging of the Lord in all this time of my trouble that he would not give me over to a deceived heart what ever he did with me so as to think better of my condition than indeed it was but that he would please thoroughly to discover my condition and heart to me and thus with some smal hopes yet mixed with a great deal of fear I did that time partake of the ordinance the which I had no sooner almost done but Sathan begins to suggest to me that I had now eaten and drank my own damnation in receiving that whereto I had no right through so many fears and doubtings in my own spirit and that therefore now in stead of receiving strength I should be everyday more and more hardened and have my damnation sealed up to me instead of my salvation But pausing here a while and considering that I had indeavoured to do my duty according to my knowledg and power in examining my own heart what my ends aimes desires and wants were and according to my ability desired the Lord to make it a strengthening and sealing ordinance to me indeavouring to satisfie my self with these and such like thoughts that my desire was to serve and walk with the Lord though I could not do it thus I continued between hope and fear about a moneth space intending not to partake of the ordinance the next time fearing my self not to be fit for it finding my heart as I thought in a very unfitting frame but manifesting this intent to some friends they put me upon these thoughts that the way to be fit for duties or ordinances is not to neglect them as also relling me that if I were unfit for that ordinance I was as well unfit to live and therefore that was no just plea thus being troubled yet fearing to omit it I again partook of it where the Lord was pleased through the ministery of his word that day to hint out to me that amongst others there were two sorts of men that might safely and comfortably partake of that ordinance as 1. All those that had longing desires after the Lord Jesus Christ 2. All doubting fearing Christians that come with doubts fears to it it being ordained of God to be a strengthening sealing ordinance c. which though it afforded me some smal refreshment for the present yet did it not abide but my trouble still continuing yea increasing being thereby unfit for any earthly imployment and yet weary of duties reading and writing c. In which I spent my chief time Yet thus going on in a road of duties and performances sometimes finding some affection and assistance and sometimes not which when I did find in any measure Oh! how was my wretched heart ready to be puffed up and rejoyce in it and began to think that now I had done somewhat and that surely now the Lord would hear me but beginning to consider more seriously what I had done indeed and how many wandering thoughts and distractions had passed by me and that any wicked wretch in the world might do and did do as much as I and yet the Lord never regarded them I began to be exceedingly troubled that such wicked thoughts should arise in my heart imagining that it was just with the Lord for these wicked thoughts to blast all my desires which I really conceived he did Then considering that the prayers and all the duties of the wicked are abomination and things
that his soul abhorred and lying under the apprehension of my self as one cast off by God whom he never regards having poured out my soul before him and begged a soft heart and a renewed and changed nature urging him often with that similitude of a child coming to his father to begg bread Mat. 7. 9 10 11. or rather in my apprehension finding my heart grow more hard and my affections more cold and luke-warm I lay under another temptation from Sathan that sure I was but an hypocrite in all that I did and therefore should but heap up wrath against my self as in Job 36. 13. and this was set home upon my spirit upon several grounds as 1. Because as he told me I did not so much aim at the glory of God as at that happy estate which is to be enjoyed in heaven 2. Because I could not find my love working so strongly towards God as towards my self desiring to be freed from the torments of hell which I conceived to be intolerable as also 3. Finding sometimes a kind of secret desire that some body might hear or know of my performances of duties c. Though I never durst act in any measure so as that it might be discerned but alwayes strove to my utmost ability to conceal what ever possibly I might yet finding sometimes some such desires of vain glory in my spirit that though I did do it thus privately yet if it could have been known and not by my means I thought I could be content and this also lay as an heavy weight upon my spirit to think that there should such wicked vain and sinful thoughts and desires be suggested to me or for anytime though never so smal lodge within me Jer. 4. 14. Which when I began to consider sadly of did but still renew and increase my troubles and feares being a discovery of the hypocrisy that was in my heart And for the most part of this my trouble I lay under such a sense of the wrath of God that I thought that all I had and enjoyed was cursed to me often admiring that every bit of bread I eat did not choak me or every creature did not put an end to my life often fearing that the company I was in should fare the worse for me in so much that if I went by water or the like I still conceived I might be an occasion of drowning all those that were with me Oh! how desirous was my soul at this time of the help and counsel of my Godly wise friends and Christians but through many and sundry temptations still deprived my self of it and of the benefit I might have gained by it through my wicked silence in all companies and loathness to impart my condition to any Sometimes my wicked corrupt heart would basely suggest to me that I was not able to discourse or speak of any spiritual thing and therefore I should but only thereby discover my own ignorance and no wayes advantage my self c. Which when I was inabled still to consider better of recollecting my thoughts and calling them into question as it were then cometh the Divell and tells me that this did but note my hypocrisy and farther when I have been troubled with it to think that I should give way to such wicked thoughts as these then comes in Sathan again on the other side and tells me that if I should put my self forward in any discourse I should but thereby cause others to have a better opinion of me than indeed I deserved and so deceive others and delude my own soul and this latter temptation was that which indeed did oftenest prevail with me being ever most of all prone to fear the delusions of my own heart and so esteeming my condition to be better than it is This going on in this way of wicked silence made many of my Christian friends I do really beleeve not know what to think of me but were as it were estranged from me which I soon perceiving it was a most heavy affliction to me such as the searcher of hearts knows lay very sadly upon my spirit which yet I could not in any measure make known to them but between God and my own soul condoled this my miserable condition then being to remove out of London which was an exceeding trouble to me to consider how we should by it be deprived of those means which we there might enjoy although indeed neither my Father Mother or my self could enjoy our healths there And removing into the Country about the year 1647. I found the ministery under which I then was exceeding dead and spiritless then when I came home me thought I knew as much and no more to my edification in that condition I was in than I did when I went the subject which was then and for a long time together treated on was that Scripture Gen. 2. 7. The Lord breathed into man the breath of life and man became a living soul The main scope of the minister being to shew what the natural soul was that God had put into man handling it as I conceiv'd more like a Philosopher than a Gospel-preacher which notional things were not those which could satisfie my soul which wanted now some support from heaven in this sad drooping condition I was in but meeting with nothing suitable to my present estate and being here cast in a place where I was deprived of all other means I grew still into a more sad condition every day Then did I lye under a very sad and strange temptation to neglect the ordinance of preaching which was grounded upon the pretence that I might improve my time at home to my more spiritual advantage which temptation I often yeilded to and when I had any opportunity or seeming excuse by reason of any smal bodily distemper either the head-ach or the like I still took those occasions to stay at home and so yeilded to the temptation and thus I did often But when I came still at night to a review of what I had done and how I had spent my time in each of these dayes as also what I had gained I found it to be so little through one temptation or other that I now began to conceive and fear that it was only a temptation of the Divell to bring me out of love with the ordinances of God whereupon the Lord also inabled me to begin to take a view of my own heart indeavouring to perswade my self that the fault was only in me and that surely I was some way or other prâ—judiced against the man or his preaching not looking as I ought to the power of God which was able to bless that means to me that he had now cast me under contrary to my desires and that it was therefore just with God to let it be to me according to my unbeleef Whereupon I began again to examine my own heart whether or no I had any kind of prejudice against the man which
why art thou disquieted within me hope thou in God The Lord setting this home with much power upon my spirit at this time having been all the vvinter deprived of the enjoying of any publick means the Lord I say setting this Scripture so home upon my spirit I began at last to reason thus vvith my self and to demand of my soul the reason of this my trouble the Lord being pleased also to put me upon the veiw of some Sermons of Mr. Marshalls and others vvhich I had formerly heard some expressions in them being brought to my mind vvherein I found several answers to many things vvhich I alleaged as the ground of my trouble I vvas also by the Lord I hope put upon a review of that little book called the Marrow of modern Divinity vvhich I had formerly read vvith much trembling vvith a secret perswasion in my heart that those vvere real truths though formerly I neither could nor durst fully close vvith them vvhich two means did through the blessing of God at the present somewhat settle and quiet my turmoiled spirit Then in the beginning of the year 1651. going into the Country and staying about a moneth vvithin 4 or 5 miles vvhere Mr. Stevens exerciseth having heard of him I had a great desire to hear him which also I did 3 or 4 times with much content he being one of those times upon Gal. 3. 8. The Scripture foreseeing that God would justifie the heathen through faith c. Where he shewed us fully that God did not justifie the righteous but even heathens ungodly men which word added somewhat to my comfort only I could not say I had faith and this stumbled me again Then coming to Colechester and resting only one Lords day there I heard Mr. Archer who by the providence of God was then upon that Scripture in Joh. 16. 8. Where the Lord promiseth to send the spirit that it should convince the world of sinne and of righteousness where he fully shewed that it was the office of the spirit to convince humble sinners of an all-sufficient righteousness in Jesus Christ thereupon stil labouring to take men off from all dependence upon their own righteousness or any thing in them or done by them which I now found I had been very guilty of telling us also that all those duties graces or qualifications that we so rested upon were not the righteousness of Christ c. therefore too scant and narrow to cover any soul at which time I must needs say I do really beleeve that the Lord was pleased to strike the first and great blow to dependence on my own actings although I had yet much confusion and trouble in my spirit concerning this thing being yet very dark in the understanding of it But in this short time of my being in the Country the Lord having in some measure thus begun as it were to speak a word of comfort to my poor soul I was strangly in my own thoughts I hope by the spirit of the Lord put upon the desires of communion with the people of God according to the Gospel and so upon the search of the Scripture according to my poor measure to that end accompanied with the experience I formerly had of that way called the Presbytery which I was now very much unsatisfied in which dissatisfaction was at the present only grounded upon the practice of them who walk in that way finding them generally so full of wrath bitterness clamors and evill speaking even of Brethren which I conceived not to be a Gospel-frame of spirit compared with those who practise the contrary which was much set upon my spirit to be more sweet humble and Christian like as also a way for more growth and establishment being more full of love which the Gospel is so full of and watching over one another c. Which I now saw I stood in great need of and therefore much desired finding my spirit then much drawn out to seek the Lords direction in it beseeching him more and more to clear up to me in what way of worship I might most honour him and meet with and enjoy most of him as also when and where I might so joyn begging of him also with much and earnest desire to fit me for it Then coming home again my trouble renewed to think how my lot was cast in such a place where I had little society that I could reap any benefit from and under his ministery which I continually found very unprofitable to me at last making this known to a friend how dissatisfied I was to hear him she advised me to go hear Mr. Knight which accordingly I did about Midsummer 1651. who through the assistance of God did fully lay open the free and abundant grace of God to poor creatures who see their lost and undone condition out of Christ through whose ministery the Lord was pleased to go on to convince me yet farther and more fully of my great unbeleef and deafness to Jesus Christ which had wrought so many sad troubles upon my spirit being convinced of which I would gladly have closed with Jesus Christ and relyed upon him having nothing to say against it but only my own wretchedness which being so often and fully by him answered I had at last nothing to say but only that I was so over-power'd with unbeleefe that though I would have closed with Jesus Christ gladly and with all my soul yet I neither durst nor could do it as I then thought Then having heard of the meeting at Mr. Knights house we went thither towards the end of Aug. 1651. being about a week before the fight at Worcester at which time they applyed themselves much to speak to the present condition of the Nation and the godly in it but after some time frequenting this meeting and finding much refreshment and satisfaction from it about a moneth or two at the most after the Lord was pleased to draw out my spirit exceedingly to spread my condition before the Lord and also crave the prayers of his people in that meeting in the behalf of my troubled soul and accordingly though with much repulse in my self I wrote a paper wherein I did acknowledg before the Lord that having been convinced of my wretched condition I did thereupon labour and strive to walk more close with the Lord c. Which being no wayes able to accomplish I durst not believe or go to God as a father but being in some measure convinced that I was all this while out of the way not being yet thoroughly convinced of the righteousnesse of Christ but going about too much to establish my own righteousness I did then desire their prayers that the Lord would be pleased to reveal more of his mind and will in Jesus Christ to my soul and enable me to deny my self and rely wholly upon him and having a fit opportunity of privacy coming there before any other company I laid it down upon the table and it
experience to be a God hearing prayer for I found him now also as I hope I may to his glory speak coming in very much as it were fitting me for this mercy by giving in out of his own free grace to his poor unworthy creature yet a more full and clear sight of his work upon my soul and so of my interest in him by means whereof I might now the more comfortably offer up my self into the communion of his people without a sight of which I should hardly I think have presumed to have done which work of his the Lord was pleased to help on by several of his Servants in Mr. Knights absence as Mr. Sidrach Simpson and Mr. Rogers whom he was pleased to make instrumental for my souls advantage and comfort at this time which the Lord thus carried on untill it was towards the end of the seventh moneth commonly called September in this year 1652. at which time Mr. Knight being returned home and removing to Fulham where the Lord opened a door for his people to joyn in communion together according to the Gospel the Lord now offering me this opportunity which I had so much longed for and his servant Mr. Knight to whom I had formerly by an other friend intimated my desires he I say acquainted me with it I durst not rashly deny to joyn with them but what fears and tremblings there were upon my spirit at this time is known only to the Lord for indeed I am not able to express it in which trouble my refuge as formerly was only to go to the Lord beseeching and earnestly importuning him now to appear and give in direction to his poor creature who was now in such a straight as that she knew not what to do But so farre as I know my own heart leaning alone upon the Lord and waiting for his direction I went to the place appointed to meet in not knowing what I should do in it taking little or no rest all the night before but coming there next morning and being still much oppressed in spirit in the turning of an eye as it were I can not express how or which way my spirit was on a suddain wrought over to give my consent and so to joyn with them They being as they conceived well satisfied in the long knowledg they had had of each other and their frequent converses together some whereof were in order to this very work which having been much desired by those few persons that then joyned and they so long interrupted and having put up many petitions to the throne of grace concerning it Mr. Barker being then present and carrying the intended work by prayer and counsel we joyned together in the fellowship of the Gospel But this work was not performed in so solemn a manner as I for my part could have desired both in setting more time a part to seek the Lord together in it and to have indeavoured to have given more full satisfaction to each other of the work of God in each others hearts which lay as a burthen upon my spirit which I often bewailed before the Lord and also moved it to some of our friends that we might yet meet and set a part a day to this end which was not thought meet at that time upon which I besought the Lord it might be no hindrance to his appearance amongst us for my spirit was opprest with fears of Gods not appearing in the midst of us which fears were at the present heightned from the mighty rage of Sathan in the spirits of many yea of some good men at this our first entrance into communion laying many harsh censures upon us which still put me upon a more narrow search into my own heart Thus seeing the rage of some against us to be very great and trembling in my self to think lest we by our miscarriage might give them some ground to speak evill of us it wrought a great sadness upon my spirit fearing lest we might be an occasion of darkning his glory to the World which caused me often to pour out my soul to the Lord beseeching him that if he had any delight in us he would be pleased to afford us his presence But in the very depth of these fears did the Lord by a meer providence as I was opening Mr. Burroughs's book cast my eye unexpectedly upon the 13 p. of the right manner of drawing nigh to God in worship where I found this note that the beginnings of things of high concernment do meet sometimes with great difficulties and interruptions which he gives some instances of and so adviseth us not to be offended though we should have some sad accidents to fall out at the beginning of great things for saith he notwithstanding this God may yet prosper it afterwards the serious consideration whereof did at the present a little refresh my spirit and support it with a desire to wait to see what the Lord would please to bring out of it Thus having for about 3 moneths space enjoyed the ordinances and the society of his servants and thereupon beginning to examine my own heart what fruit or benefit I had found by them it lay somewhat sadly upon my spirit for being able to discern very little then was the Lord pleased by a letter from Mr. Rogers to hand out something which for the present did a little support and cheer my spirit therein putting me upon the consideration of this truth that a Christian growth is not at all times sensible neither doth the Lord see it meet they should alwayes grow in one kind but that they grow in all parts as well in humility and self abasement and in the sight of our own weakness barrenness and unprofitableness c. which is as true a growth as that of faith though not alwayes so visible Yet some trouble still lying upon my spirit wanting a full and clear sight of my interest in Christ which as yet I had only some good hopes of but no such settled assurance but that I was often tottering backward and forward the Lord having formally and continually through the ministery of his word dispensed often by Mr. Knight and very powerfully to that end and sometimes also by Mr. Simpson by both which the Lord was pleased strongly to convince me of the dishonour that I had brought him by my unbeleef which was now the great burthen of my soul but finding much weakness of faith in me and an inability to roul so fully upon God and give glory to him by beleeving and taking him upon his word c. often fearing that sinne and Sathan would yet prevail over me But the Lord was pleased about the 10 moneth 1652. to draw out my heart exceedingly to beg of him a large measure of faith even that I might be enabled to honour him as much by beleeving as ever I had dishonoured him through unbeleef but this same month I had this wicked thought or temptation thrown with mighty force
here I must needs say that though our Pastor spake much to this purpose and that sweetly a while since from 2 Cor. 6. 2. Behold now is the acceptable time behold now is the day of Salvation yet did it not take upon my heart in that way as these few hints did for the Lord had not then appeared to my soul in those manifestations of love as he did afterward and how ever these Scriptures do chiefly referre as I conceive to the time of the Gospel and Gods love to the souls of men in bringing of them home to himself yet that truth which was at this time chiefly set upon my heart was from the consideration of this present hint of time wherein the Lord through his rich grace in my Lord Jesus Christ had been pleased to cause his face to shine upon my soul The very next day being the 13 of this moneth in the morning when I was awaked as I lay in my bed I had that Scripture in Luk. 13. 11. brought fresh to my mind of that woman whom Sathan had bowed these eighteen years vers 16. whom Christ loosed with a perswasion before ever I began to count it that the time of my Thraldome under Sathan and sinne would run paralel with this as also my condition for saith the text she had a spirit of infirmity and was bowed together so as she could in no wise lift up her self and truly thus I found it had been with me for many years I had been bound by Sathan under unbeleefe and the corruptions of my own heart and so bowed together as I could in no wise lift up my self so as to give glory to God by beleeving and as for the time when I came to count it from the first time that the Lord was pleased to touch my heart with a sight and sense of my wretched condition and thereupon to occasion much trouble of spirit which was as I conceive about the year 1635. which reckoned untill the end of the year 1652 which was the first time that ever the Lord did upon real solid grounds speak any abiding word of comfort to me and so in any measure loosing me from those bands and I did find it to be just 18 years This same morning also a little while after there fell an other Scripture upon my heart which I found recorded in Psal 129. 1 2. Many a time have they afflicted me from my youth may I srael now say many a time have they afficted me from my youth yet have they not prevailed against me and hath it not been thus with my soul many a time hath it been afflicted with temptations and corruptions but through mercy they have not yet totally prevailed over me There was also two other Scriptures immediately after this set upon my heart this morning as first that in Psal 34. 6. This poor man cryed and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles even so this poor soul of mine hath cryed unto the Lord in my fears and he hath blessed be his name heard me and graciously delivered me out of all the fears and troubles that ever yet lay upon me And to back this for the future there was immediately that Scripture brought to my mind in Joh. 5. 19. He shall deliver thee in six troubles yea in seven there shall no evill touch thee the meditation whereof was exceeding sweet to my soul but whilst my soul lay under these enjoyments from the Lord which for a time even swallowed up my heart in the admiration of him yet notwithstanding suddenly after finding my heart exceedingly straightned to blesse and praise the name of this my God in such a manner and measure as my soul desired for all these wonderfull appearances to me I had this perswasion strongly darted into me that the Lord had some sharp affliction suddenly to lay upon me which I was fully possessed with expectation of which caused me to pour out my soul before the Lord beseeching him to fit me for it and sanctifie it unto me what ever it should be not knowing in what way or manner for to expect it apprehending it to be some sorer stroke than a little bodily affliction and because I apprehended that the sadest outward affliction that could come to me was the parting with my dear Mother I did therefore straightway apprehend this would be the trial at the thoughts of which I was at the present somewhat startled but within a few dayes on the 23 of this eleventh moneth was the Lord pleased to visit my poor body with much bodily distemper which seazed so upon my vitall spirits and so over-poured them which together with other distempers lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh in and under which if I know my own heart the greatest part of my trouble was that I could not find out what the mind of the Lord was in it in which inquiry there was some things the which were then presented to me as the ground of it as for instance The first thing that was darted into me was that the Lord did it to put a stop to me in this very act of recording the loves of the Lord to my soul who hath carried me as upon Eagles wings and as it were set me aloft Exod. 19. 4. so as no affliction or dispensation hath been able to do me hurt but have born yea forborn me and carried me all the dayes of old as he did his people Israel notwithstanding all my rebellions Esa 63. 9 10 12 15 16. and this suggestion for ought I know might come even from Sathan himself though I confesse it was presented upon a very faire account insinuating into me that it was out of the pride of my spirit which put me upon this action which caused my soul to make its address to the Lord beseeching him to search me and try my heart and my reines and withall begging of him that if there were any such corruption in the bottome which was not yet discovered to me that he would be pleased to reveal it and so put a stop to me in any actings whatsoever upon any such account And though upon the strictest search and inquiry that I was able to make into my own heart I could find little ground why I should altogether conclude with Sathan in this yet the very fear of it did for the space of half a year at least if I mistake not cause this work to cease untill it was again set with some weight upon my spirit as that which might make for the glory of my Lord and perhaps though weakly stammer out his praise when I shall be gathered into into my dust who was so unable to speak it out in my life and this I both did and do the rather beleeve to proceed from Sathan the great enemie of Soules because I find the Saints through the Scripture so ready to declare what great things the Lord had done for their soules Psal 34. 2.
want of grace for look in the book of God and there they that make the greatest moane over their own hearts and their want of grace they are the most eminent of all other as we see in Paul and David this I speak saith he not to encourage any in a careless lazy way but to comfort drooping spirits and the rather because there is no way under heaven so like to make you really holy as to be emboldened thus to go to Jesus Christ and the soul seeing what full and free grace comes from Jesus Christ the love of Christ would constrain the soul to walk holily and thankfully towards him thus knowing there is all fullness in Christ as in the head for the use of all the members then accordingly as soon as ever you find any defect in your selves in any kind to interrupt your comfort and peace let the next question be But hath he not sufficiency for this then betake to Jesus Christ as suppose a poor woman were going with her pale of water which she had drawn out of a well or living fountaine and on a sudden had a slip and spilt it all out of her paile and there sitteth crying to think what she had lost now whether were it better or a sign of more wisdome for her to stand gathering up of that which she spilt or to go and dip her paile into the Well again and so fill it presently surely the last were her wisdome so when we lose our peace and our comfort we ought to be humbled but to think to recruit our selves by our gathering up that which we have lost this is not our wisdome let us go to Christ our well-head and make it up presently From which the Lord did indeed convince me much of my folly having been so long at work to scrape and gather up somewhat of that I had lost neglecting Jesus Christ where was fullness then did the Lord by this servant of his mightily provoke us to a diligent study of Jesus Christ to bend our mindes heads and hearts and all to come to know what ever there was that was knowable in Jesus Christ and that from the consideration of the excellency of this knowledg above all other knowledg yea further what soever you learn of Jesus Christ you learn but to understand your own wealth and know your own happiness for instance imagine two men coming by some delicate house full of rich treasure and an officer should stand by and say Sir are you willing to see all the riches of this house haply you will say for curiosity sake we care not if we do but if he comes to one of them and sayes Sir all that is here is yours you are made whole executor and it is all bequeathed to you oh how would this man search the house how he would study every deed and every word in it and search every cabinet and get an inventory of all that was there why for they are all his so when we see the wealth rarities of others we say but what do they concern me or if I should see the wealth of Solomon what am I the richer but when I see the wealth of Christ I see my own riches Oh my soul the Lord grant that this may be thy study day and night here indeed is the difference you should make between Christ and others when I hear and read the excellencies of other Saints it may be a discouragement as when I read of the patience of Job I am discouraged because I am so peevish when I read of the holiness of David who prayed seven times a day and many times in the night rising to prayer this discourageth me but when I read of Christs patience or boliness I look on him not as abstract from me but as my head as one that all he did was for me oh then who would not but know what is knowable of him But then again did Christ do all he did for us then surely every thing yea all that a Christian hath should be for Christ and then should we shew our selves Christians indeed as Paul 2 Cor. 5. 14 15. for saith he the love of Christ constrained us for we thus judge that if Christ died for us then were we dead then we that live should live to him that died for us the love of Christ overcame him and carried him captive as a strong stream would carry a little cockboat what was I dead and did Christ give me life then if by the grace of God I live I will give that life to Christ never do you live like a Christian till you come to this to live wholly to Christ in all that you have and do enjoy your estate Trade and in all your outward comforts and it s most certain that to a gracious heart there is no Rhetorick under heaven will more prevail to the performance of a duty or to the avoiding of what is evil then to perswade to the one or to forbear the other by the love of Christ this drawes out the heart to be liberal for Christ and serviceable to Christ oh how full did these convictions come upon my heart the Lord having but just before been pleased to give in a portion of the outward riches to me which wrought so upon my heart and made me greatly to desire and beg of God that whatever I had or enjoyed might be wholly improved for Jesus Christ and for the advancement of his glory The 18 of March Mr. Knight being under some bodily distemper not being fit to preach my heart was drawen out to go to London to hear though with some bodily prejudice not being very well and the weather falling out wet yet did the Lord provide a comfortable and refreshing word for my poor soul both from Mr. Simpson whom I heard in the morning as also from Mr. Rogers whom I heard in the afternoon Mr. Simpson spake from that Scripture Ephes 1. 6 7. verses The 23 of March 1652. being the fourth day of the week did the Lord go on yet further to speak many comfortable rrefreshing words to my soul from Mr. Knights ministery who then spake to us from that Scripture in 1 Joh. 4. 19. We love him because he first loved us whence was observed That as love beaming out from God to his people takes them up into union with himself so this union occasions the reflection upon that divine love whereby we love God again so that being beloved we love the first lover which is God There are two things very pleasing to gracious hearts the one is to take a view of God in his rich love the other to veiw our selves intrested in that love For the first all sights of God are glorious because his glory passeth through all his discoveries but no sight more ravishing then that of his love and no love like his distinguishing love with which he loves his people whereby he makes them both loving and lovely for
Christs heart and see with what bowels of affection he speaketh how freely himself offers the riches of mercy take why what or whom should we take but himself possess himself thus he standeth calling and crying take me love me receive me eat me drink me let me be yours oh high love he doth not bid the soul take wrath vengeance death or hell but take me Secondly his commands are more to pleasure you then himself why should we take Christ why this is my body that was broken for you my blood that was shed for you take me for your own sakes for you need me to refresh your hearts therefore take me not that I shall be the better by it but that you may have more pleasure and delight in me that may do you all good oh high love Thirdly observe Christ sees our need better then our selves there are bowels of compassion in him what for a man that enjoyeth much to look out for them that want much yet so it is here you have not the disciples crying oh Christ give us thy self and blood but here is a Christ who having it and knowing that we stand in need of it offers it freely take oh admirable love Fourthly observe he is not content till you be fully supplyed he setteth no bounds but take and eat as much as your hearts will hold take what who le me all of me my spirit blood mediation with the Father all my righteousness take all he stinteth no man but opens wide the treasure of his grace Fifthly observe hence Christ is well acquainted with the fears of his Saints hearts therefore saith he take imploing as if the trembling heart would say O Lord I dare not these things are too great and good I know thy fears saith Christ but I lay a law on thee that wil make thee give over all for this law comes with power take and eat he bids you take and that on pain of disobedience to Christ when Sathan and sinne and corruption say eat not then remember what Christ your Lord saith take and eat and hearken not unto the voyce of of a stranger if any say eat not Christ sayes eat though the fears are great and the tremblings many that are on a gracious heart yet still Christ biddeth them take and eat Sixthly Christ knew the Saints would tremble on the point of unworthiness therefore he saith take eat why what is it but my body that is broken for you will you throw away that which is for you but you are unworthy why this is that which maketh you worthy because this is that out of which issues out all righteousness to you and though they may cry out they were unfit he commands them to remember how fit Christ is for them for whom is bread fit but for them that are weak and need nourishment for whom is that wine but him that is of a sorrowful heart for whom is that act of Christ but for that soul that cries Lord I am unworthy thou shouldest come under my roofe Seventhly he saith take which is a giving a man a propriety and possession of himself and this is that indeed this ordinance gives forth when a man so taketh Christ as that Christ is his take eat this is my body that is broken for you shewing that the Saints ought in the communication of this divine mystery to take Christ wholly by this to claim propriety because nothing can be more ours then a thing that is given us and we sinne against him if we take him not O therefore take him as your own He saith not onely take but eat you take in order to eating so that your acceptation of Christ is that you might be satisfied with Christ and filled for he is not onely to gaze on as the brasen Serpent was but to feed on as the manna was therefore saith Christ take and eat rendring himself in the most easie way of administration nothing under heaven a man is more easily drawn to then to eat a hungry man need not be much perswaded to eat yet behold here First That you had need to be intreated to eat and feed on Christ else what need this word but to note that the Saints were apt to stand still when they should be feeding on Christ therefore saith he take and eat Secondly This is of all other the most easie way of partaking being a natural act for that a man eateth putteth him to no pain yea the pain within is supplyed the hunger satisfied Thirdly He setteth no bounds but take and eat it is a command that lyeth on us for the supply of wants and the cheering of our hearts for so farre we may eat and no further Christ bids you take what you need implying 1. That there is enough in Christ for any Saint to eat else it would not become Christ to bid them but he saith take and eat implying that no Saint can say Lord I have a desire to eat but here is not enough they cannot say I have sinnes and guilt but can find no pardon no Christ bids you eat implying there is enough to feed on 2. He setteth you no time neither but eat as long as you live yea untill his coming again O how abundantly did those hints take upon my heart and even swallow up my soul in the admiration of that love the Lord grant it may abide upon my spirit for ever March the 30 the Lord was pleased in some measure to give in an answer to that desire put up March 25. for the pouring out of his spirit upon the brethren through whom the Lord was pleased to appear lively in my apprehension and in a spiritual manner in him whose spirit seemed to melt under the thoughts of the weight of that exercise March the 30 the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart in the behalfe of my Mother whom I apprehended to ly under some sadness in respect of the want of the clear sight of her interest in God beseeching him that he would be pleased to wean her more from the world and all things here below and that he would be pleased to manifest himself to her and let down the light of his countenance upon her and shew her his face and not his back that as he had been pleased to shine upon my poor heart and the hearts of others of his Saints through prayer so that he would also be pleased at this time to let this request come up in remembrance before him and give in a gracious answer to it as also that he would be pleased to pour out his spirit upon her and let it be a spirit of grace and supplication in the sense of the want of which her spirit groaned for before him as also under the sight of her unprofitableness under all ordinances beseeching him that as it was he and he alone that causeth his people to profit so that he would please to give out to this his
magnifie the name of our prayer-hearing God a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to his poor worthless Creature beseeching him further to increase my faith and help me to act it lively at this present in a plentifull feeding upon the Lord Jesus that so my soul may find abundant strength healing and cleansing to issue from him in whom all my hope and help lyeth The same tenth of this sixth month the second paper that I put up this day was in relation to our communion which I thus expressed One of this despised handful desires that the Lord would be pleased to humble our souls before him that we have been guilty before him of rashness and inconsiderateness together with want of love and tenderness to each other which the Lord make every soul of us deeply sensible of and help us to abound more to his praise in every good word and work that we might never by any of our weaknesses and miscarriages be any occasion to darken his glory to the world In answer to which the Lord was pleased in some measure to draw out the heart of Mr. K. to confesse this iniquity before the Lord with it a sense of and to mourn for one who came in at the first without due trial which I hope not without some ground the Lord hath set it home upon many if not all our spirits with adeepsense of our miscarrage in it The tenth of the sixth moneth were the papers put up also to present to the Lord by Mr. Knight at a day of fast thus One desires your earnest prayers before the Lord and to spread the sad condition of one in near relation to her that conceiveth himself in a happy condition when there are grounds enough to fear the contrary she desires you together with her to beseech the Lord to discover it to him that so he may have no rest in his soul till he be brought home and built upon the Lord Jesus Christ that onely foundation The same tenth of this sixth Month 1653. one who was compassed with such a body of death and corruption under which the party sadly mourns polluting all that ever she puts her hand unto therefore she desires your earnest prayers to the Lord that he would come and dwel in her soul and be as a refiners fire and as fuller Sope to cleanse her and to burn up whatsoever is contrary to himself or any way darkens his glory The 13 of the sixth moneth The Lord drew out my heart exceedingly to beg an increase of faith even beyond sight sense that though I could not see corruption dead yet that I might beleeve that it should be so in Gods time as also to beg for our sister Harris her Mother and that the Lord would please to cure her of the fear of death who had been subject to this bondage and help her to commit her soul to him as a faithful creatour and an everlasting loving tender-hearted Father The fifteenth day of the sixth moneth was discovered to me that I had often thought that if I had but assurance of the love of God then nothing could trouble me but I should be swallowed up with joy and even overcome with it but Oh my soul hath it been thus with thee since the Lord appeared abundantly in way of refreshment to thee or rather quite contrary since thou hast been set free from from the fear of hell and wrath oh how sad to think that ever thou shouldest live to rebel against such a God a Father of so much mercy About the end of the seventh moneth the Lord being pleased to lay some light affliction upon my poor body thereby drawing out my heart after this manner to him Blessed Lord what might thy ends be in thy fatherly chastisements oh that thou wouldst discover it and rather let this affliction abide continue yea be increased and augmented what thou wilt rather then that the corruption should not be discovered and purged out which requests were still continued Then was the Lord pleased in some measure in answer hereunto to discover those things following to me which I know not but that he might much aim at as might not the Lord have some respect to thy want of pity and compassion to one in misery Might not the Lord lay his hand upon thee though not in that kind nay were he not righteous if he should lay the same stroke hast not thou deserved it as wel as she might not the Lord do it to call thee home and quicken thee from thy sloth deadness dulness and the estrangement of heart that was so fast a growing between thy soul and the Lord O blessed father saith my soul let my corruptions be wrought out and thy poor creature quickned Was not thy heart and affections exceedingly running out from the Lord to the creature oh blened be that stroke that cals thee back so that this work were but done by it The third day of the eighth moneth being much oppressed in spirit with the thoughts of the dishonour that would come to God and scandal to the Gospel by the sad falling of one of our brethren and the fear that is upon my heart touching him The Lord was pleased to draw out my heart this evening to beg of him to discover to our souls in generall and to my soul in particular what his ends were in gathering this poor handful together telling him I hope he did not do it to make us the instruments of his dishonour to the world and withall I was put upon it I verily beleeve by the spirit of the Lord in that same day to reflect back upon my own soul what my ends were injoyning in that communion and as I was pressing the Lord to shew me why or to what end he had directed me to joyn in that societie telling him withal that surely my desires were to attend upon direction in it and that if any other thing what ever did byasse my spirit in the act that the Lord would please to discover it to me whereupon I begged of the Lord that he would help me to examine my heart about it and that if I were byassed by any wrong respect that the Lord would convince me of it and humble my soul deeply for it and pardon it in Christs blood now O my soul deal impartially in this work of examination in this thing and spread it before him This Letter was given to Master Knight what to seek the Lord about upon the ninth of this Moneth 1653. Dear Sir SAthan having often beset my soul to endeavour to keep it from a present participating in this holy ordinance upon several pretences and having again now attempted it I durst no longer keep his counsell but in the imparting of it I crave that help of your prayers at the throne of Grace that the Lord would be pleased to disappoint him in all his vices that wherein he seeketh to do me hurt
may prove the reallest advantage of spiritual good to my soul yet fearing whether it do indeed come from him or no causeth some trembling upon my spirit how to act if it be a plot of his it is a fair one arising after this manner having often found great appearances of God as I hope I may say to his praise I have in other of his ordinances but finding my heart oftentimes very much shut up as it were and given over to deadness dulness and heaviness of spirit which was no way suitable to a spiritual heart and soul-quickning ordinance and finding this very much to prevail even at this present desiring your prayers that the Lord would direct me what to do by discovering to my soul whether indeed it doth arise from a subtilty of Sathan yea or no or whether it be a lively alarum from heaven to my soul thus trembling in my self whether my forbearance may not be found a yeilding to Sathan or whether on the other side I may not attempt and provoke the Lord by rushing unpreparedly upon his holy things thus desiring to give up my self into the hands of the Lord waiting for the breathings of his spirit through the help of your prayers I beseech the Lord alone to guide and lead my soul in all its motions and actions in this present world untill he shall bring it to a full enjoyment of himself in the perfection of holiness which my soul waiteth and longeth for where I shall fully enjoy what now my poor soul hath but a transient taste of which the Lord accomplish in his own time and make me willing to wait my appointed time until my change come that when ever my Lord comes I may be found watching The 10 of this 8 moneth oh my soul did not the Lord give me a gracious answer and return to this desire and prayer forementioned even whiles thou wert pouring out thy soul before the Lord wherein thou didst lament the corruption of thy heart begging of the Lord that he would subdue this wicked frame of spirit this deadness and dulness in his services and continuing issuing out of corruption pleading and arguing it out with the Lord after this manner that though thou wert unworthy altogether to beg any mercy from him or this mercy yet were there not others of his poor servants that were pleading with him for my poor soul nay was not my Lord Jesus now at his right hand pleading for me that I might not be pulled out of his hand For how can the Lord endure wickedness any lust or corruption to possesse my heart and take the Scepter out of his hand and so to rule and reign over me nay could my soul bear it to be thus over-powred and to have my heart thus drawn from Christ and thus captivated by sinne and Sathan when one word of his mouth could set my soul at liberty beseeching the Lord to search me and to try me for he knew whether those desires and teares and groanes came from my heart yea or no yea I know thou dost search me and knowest my heart but Lord discover also to me and if there be any hypocrisy in my spirit in this regard oh that thou wouldest answer me so by fire to consume that drosse and corruption in my soul yea whatsoever thyrighteous eyeseeth in me that is darkening to thy glory and withall telling the Lord how like a flood of mighty waters this corruption come in upon me one wave following another that I had no power to withstand it though he had discovered much of himself to my sonl and of the riches of his grace and emptiness of all other things that yet my soul should so run after vanity beseeching the Lord to give a real turn to all the affections of my soul and to fix them upon the Lord Jesus Christ where they shall be sure to be returned This was in the morning of the 10. day then did the Lord further satisfie and quiet my heart in my Evening sacrifice that same day his spirit breathed in my soul after this manner dear Lord oh that thou wouldest suppresse this spirit of murmuring under thy hand and if thou wilt have thy poor creature still to wrestle and strive under a body of death and corruption and temptations and snares and intanglements oh that thou wouldst help me in this work that I may not yeild under it but may hold out in a continual resistance and sighing and never give over or making any peace with sinne and though thou dost not see meet utterly to root out sinne yet oh Lord give it its deadly blow let it be still dying and withering and decaying and work in my soul growing and increasing even untill thou hast fully perfected it About the tenth of this eighth month this experience was given in to my soul by the Lord concerning Sathans dealing with my soul and some refreshments to support my spirit under it Oh my soul hath not Sathan dealt with thee concerning this great ordinance of the Lords supper even as he hath formerly done concerning the great duty of prayer how often hath he suggested to thee that it is to no end to pray to the Lord reasoning thus with thee oftentimes dost thou think there is any such God as thou prayest to did he ever hear thee or give thee any token of answer why then dost thou continually appeal to him and pour out thy soul before him and hath he not done just thus about this ordinance of the Lords Supper thou wicked spirit how often hast thou been proved a lyar what eminent tokens hath God given me of his hearing prayer from time to time both concerning my self and others and therein have proved thee a lyar and why then oh my soul shouldst thou not beleeve that Sathan will also prove a lyar in this is not the Lord yesterday and to day and for ever is his arm shortened or his hand weakened that he cannot save and deliver and appear to thee in as glorious a manner as ever oh then wait for him and what if thou waitest untill thy dissolution it will be happinesse more then thou dost deserve to be found waiting yet thou dost not know how soon he may appear to thee About the middle of the eight month 1653 O my soul what are thy continued fears are they not lest any thing should withdraw or steal away thy heart from the Lord dost not thou daily beg of him rather to crucifie all thy earthly desires what ever then any way to satisfie any of them A Letter to Mr. Knight the sixteenth of the eighth Moneth 1653. In Answer to the former desire to him the ninth of the same moneth to blesse the Lord for the Answer Dear Sir Having formerly in the time of my sadnesse desired your remembrance before the Lord who hath appeared in prayer both publick and private as also many other wayes thereby staying my poor spirit to wait upon him
even for the full accomplishment of his own promise who hath said sinne shall not have dominion over his that are not under the law but under grace as also that he would tread down Sathan under his peoples feet shortly which my soul desires to wait upon him for and in the mean time desires to blesse his name and that you would blesse him together with me that he was pleased to open any fountaines of love and mercy in this vale of teares so abundantly fulfilling to my poor soul that word of his which he was pleased no sooner to set upon my heart with a perswasion in some measure that it should be made good rouling though weakly upon him for it but that he was pleased so to do indeed that word I found Isai 56. 19. When the enemies shall come in like a flood the spirit of the Lord shall set up a standard against them for which I desire to blesse his name beseeching him that those impressions that he was pleased by his spirit through several words of his to make upon my heart might never be forgotten by me but that they might continually be as supports to my poor weak faith that it may grow from strength to strength even till I shall meet my God blessed for ever be that God that was pleased to know my poor soul in this hour of temptation and to take this poor lame soul and lead and carry it of being not able to go one step in any of his wayes without his hand but that it getteth one knock or bruise or other yea blessed for ever be that God and Saviour that will not suffer his poor creature to slip as he doth others but was pleased in rich mercy to be ever awakening my poor drowsy spirit by one affliction or another the thoughts of which do much refresh my spirit and seemeth at present a special token of his love for which I desire to blesse him and oh that I could praise the name of that God and Father who is the Father of all mercy and God of all consolation for truely I must needs say I am perswaded Sathan had not now been let loose to buffet me thus had I not been so sleepy and drowsy in spirit but blessed be that rod that awakned my poor soul from the sleep of any sinne so that the Lord will but please to work it out which I desire to wait on God for I should for some respect have forborn this duty of praise but that the Lord hath let in the clear sight of this mercy as also lest I should prove ungrateful for so large manifestation of mercy though all I can do in it is a meer nothing the greater is the goodness of God that bowes down to accept such broken praises which I have cause even to lament over having too little spiritual life in them when as in truth my whole soul and body should be a holy and lively sacrifice to God which the Lord inable me to do to that God whence all my enjoyments come in whom I desire to rest your unworthy but in desire and hope real friend for my Lords sake FINIS THE SECOND BOOK OF Manifold Experiments Of Gods dealing with my Soul in hearing Prayers and other gracious incomes of Love THe Lord was pleased to help me very much in this search by Mr. Knight who spake from this Scripture at Fulham the ninth of this ninth Moneth In the 12 of Luke 42 43. from which he shewed We have the Lord setting out the blessednesse of that servant that is faithful in the work that his Lord intrusteth him about and whom his Lord when he comes findeth to be so doing as he appointed Now O my soul what comfortable hopes canst thou gather out from the serious examination of thy own heart upon this point that the Lord hath made thee faithful though thou art poor weak and unworthy every way to be the servant of such a Lord what canst thou say to this hath the Lord indeed made thee faithful Ans 1. I gather some hopes of it that the Lord hath made me in some measure faithful from that sincerity that the Lord hath put into my heart to aim purely at his glory in all I do in this world the contrary to which causeth much bitterness in my spirit yet through the prevalency of the unregenerate part in me I am many times byassed and carried aside to aim at other things in many of my wayes but the glory of my Lord is my principal aim For if I know any thing of my own heart through mercy I do find it set to seek the honour of Christ and to walk in wayes well pleasing to him though I do too often sadly wander from these intents and desires which was discovered to be the real burthen of my life 2. In that the Lord hath been pleased to put into my soul I hope a real desire te do his whole will and therein to appear faithful daily desiring and begging of him that I might not at any time in any command of his be found consulting with flesh and blood but that as soon as ever he discovereth his wils in any thing whatever to me that he would also inable me to obey it readily Finding the Spirit of the Lord I hope oftentimes breathing in my soul after this manner Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde will to me in all my wayes that is it I beg of thee and though it be never so contrary to flesh and blood yea though I can see nothing but that it is laid out for to afflict me and to be a trial and exercise for me and so have nothing to induce me but thy will yet Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde in it to me what would I then beg of thee but onely a ready frame to yield obedience to thy will and leave the success sanctifying of it to me to thy self and if on the other side I think any mercy to be never so good or for my advantage yet if thou seest meet to discover to my soul that thy will is not in it would I not then if I know my own heart beg above all things to have my will to be wholly swallowed up into thine Lord And this hope is grounded in some measure upon the abundant experience the Lord hath given me of his goodness and mercy and abundant kindness in his often denying me of my will 3 I hope the Lord hath in some measure made me a faithful Servant in that he hath set my soul upon the watch to know his minde and will indeavouring and desiring to keep my eye upon him and him only that I might see what his minde and will is who hath said that he will guide his by his eye which causeth my soul though with much weaknesse not onely earnestly to desire but also to indeavour to reflect upon all my motions and actions and thoughts and words in this