soul_n in_o former_a day_n in_o the_o night-season_n and_o how_o sweet_a my_o meditation_n of_o he_o have_v be_v night_n and_o morning_n upon_o my_o bed_n and_o how_o barren_a my_o heart_n have_v be_v for_o some_o time_n of_o late_a in_o these_o meditation_n and_o how_o the_o lord_n have_v seem_v to_o withdraw_v these_o thought_n do_v put_v i_o upon_o it_o the_o ten_o of_o this_o second_o month_n in_o the_o evening_n to_o beg_v of_o god_n that_o as_o he_o have_v former_o appear_v in_o such_o season_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o return_v that_o mercy_n even_o by_o those_o torch_n of_o his_o hand_n whereby_o my_o night_n be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o my_o body_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o extreme_a cough_n &_o true_o i_o do_v the_o more_o press_v it_o upon_o the_o lord_n in_o my_o desire_n have_v much_o groan_v to_o think_v that_o night_n will_v be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o i_o more_o than_o any_o former_o by_o reason_n of_o my_o distemper_n but_o my_o good_a god_n who_o work_v all_o thing_n after_o the_o counsel_n of_o his_o own_o will_n and_o not_o according_a to_o our_o thought_n or_o fear_n or_o hope_n so_o order_v it_o that_o what_o i_o have_v reason_n most_o to_o fear_n he_o give_v i_o least_o to_o feel_v and_o though_o i_o be_v much_o distemper_v in_o my_o head_n when_o i_o go_v to_o bed_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o cold_n that_o be_v so_o great_a yet_o do_v he_o give_v i_o very_o good_a rest_n all_o the_o forepart_n of_o the_o night_n which_o when_o i_o awake_v towards_o morning_n and_o begin_v to_o consider_v oh_o i_o can_v not_o but_o admire_v but_o withal_o begin_v to_o think_v that_o though_o my_o desire_n about_o this_o be_v answer_v and_o though_o i_o have_v rest_n of_o body_n yet_o no_o communion_n with_o my_o god_n or_o reason_v with_o my_o own_o heart_n which_o i_o intend_v to_o have_v parly_v a_o little_a with_o while_o i_o have_v these_o thought_n and_o the_o like_a lie_v in_o a_o slumber_a way_n there_o be_v this_o thought_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n which_o mr._n cradock_n the_o four_o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n mention_v upon_o another_o occasion_n the_o word_n be_v these_o that_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a that_o be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n these_o word_n run_v much_o in_o my_o mind_n and_o some_o thought_n be_v give_v in_o upon_o they_o with_o a_o great_a desire_n i_o may_v not_o forget_v they_o but_o may_v in_o the_o morning_n see_v and_o find_v out_o that_o place_n of_o scripture_n but_o the_o lord_n give_v i_o as_o i_o think_v a_o opportunity_n and_o so_o much_o strength_n as_o to_o go_v and_o hear_v mr._n cradick_n i_o haste_v as_o soon_o as_o i_o can_v get_v up_o to_o prepare_v for_o go_v but_o when_o we_o come_v there_o have_v pray_v to_o the_o lord_n in_o some_o few_o word_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v i_o some_o sight_n of_o himself_o some_o transform_a sight_n and_o some_o kiss_n from_o his_o lip_n this_o day_n but_o go_v there_o we_o be_v disappoint_v for_o that_o exercise_n be_v for_o some_o occasion_n put_v off_o to_o next_o morning_n and_o so_o we_o come_v home_o again_o and_o come_v home_o be_v a_o little_a sadned_a in_o my_o spirit_n think_v of_o my_o morning-desire_n &_o when_o a_o answer_n shall_v be_v of_o they_o or_o how_o look_v for_o i_o sit_v i_o down_o and_o fall_v to_o read_v a_o little_a of_o mr._n cradock_n sermon_n before_o mention_v and_o meet_v with_o these_o word_n oh_o vain_a man_n that_o will_v be_v wise_a put_v i_o again_o in_o mind_n of_o my_o night-thought_n and_o fall_v to_o look_v the_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o in_o job_n 11._o 12._o for_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n some_o hint_n there_o be_v that_o fall_v upon_o my_o heart_n this_o night_n from_o these_o word_n vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a good_a god_n have_v not_o this_o be_v my_o condition_n this_o poor_a vain_a creature_n will_v i_o not_o fain_o be_v wise_a and_o think_v to_o be_v so_o and_o often_o pride_v myself_o in_o the_o thought_n of_o it_o for_o which_o the_o lord_n righteous_o show_v i_o now_o and_o then_o my_o folly_n yet_o how_o fain_o will_v i_o be_v wise_a in_o chalk_v out_o way_n for_o the_o lord_n to_o walk_v in_o towards_o i_o even_o as_o if_o i_o know_v better_a what_o be_v good_a for_o i_o then_o god_n or_o how_o to_o accomplish_v that_o work_n in_o my_o soul_n better_o than_o he_o and_o therefore_o be_o i_o so_o ready_a to_o prescribe_v to_o he_o way_n yea_o and_o if_o he_o refuse_v and_o reject_v they_o as_o for_o the_o most_o part_n he_o be_v please_v in_o mercy_n to_o do_v bless_a be_v his_o name_n oh_o how_o sad_o do_v it_o often_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o how_o apt_a be_o i_o to_o think_v hardly_o of_o the_o lord_n that_o true_o he_o do_v not_o mean_v i_o any_o good_a in_o deny_v i_o this_o or_o that_o i_o desire_v and_o for_o the_o late_a word_n though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n concern_v which_o i_o have_v some_o scatter_a thought_n but_o not_o so_o compose_v as_o afterward_o but_o after_o i_o have_v come_v home_o from_o james_n next_o day_n and_o have_v look_v this_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o sit_v and_o pause_v a_o while_n upon_o it_o my_o spirit_n be_v very_o much_o sadn_v and_o unfit_a for_o any_o serious_a spiritual_a meditation_n at_o last_o i_o betake_v myself_o to_o some_o short_a request_n to_o the_o lord_n tell_v he_o that_o as_o he_o be_v please_v thus_o to_o disappoint_v my_o expectation_n of_o the_o public_a enjoyment_n yet_o in_o he_o there_o be_v a_o fullness_n of_o all_o power_n and_o ability_n thereby_o be_v as_o able_a to_o speak_v to_o i_o by_o his_o own_o spirit_n something_o that_o may_v be_v of_o spiritual_a advantage_n some_o transform_a word_n which_o he_o be_v able_a to_o do_v as_o well_o in_o private_a as_o in_o public_a which_o i_o do_v now_o beg_v of_o he_o and_o to_o that_o end_n beseech_v he_o to_o lead_v i_o by_o the_o hand_n this_o day_n and_o guide_v i_o into_o the_o way_n and_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o work_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o appear_v to_o i_o with_o many_o other_o request_v both_o for_o my_o own_o soul_n and_o other_o in_o relation_n to_o i_o but_o not_o know_v what_o work_n to_o set_v upon_o this_o day_n or_o what_o to_o take_v in_o hand_n but_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n direction_n have_v many_o thing_n in_o my_o thought_n to_o do_v but_o desirous_a of_o some_o word_n from_o god_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n but_o this_o word_n in_o job_n 11._o 12._o follow_v i_o still_o i_o fall_v to_o some_o further_a thought_n of_o it_o and_o ruminate_v on_o the_o latter_a clause_n of_o be_v like_o the_o wild_a ass_n i_o begin_v to_o think_v what_o that_o scripture_n do_v record_n of_o this_o creature_n that_o i_o see_v do_v resemble_v i_o full_o and_o there_o these_o word_n of_o the_o prophet_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n that_o it_o go_v up_o and_o down_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n and_o be_v ready_a to_o be_v find_v in_o her_o month_n which_o word_n i_o find_v in_o jeremiah_n 2._o 24._o a_o wild_a ass_n use_v to_o the_o wilderness_n that_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n at_o her_o pleasure_n in_o her_o occasion_n who_o can_v turn_v she_o away_o all_o these_o that_o seek_v she_o will_v weary_v themselves_o in_o her_o month_n they_o shall_v find_v she_o in_o which_o as_o also_o in_o most_o part_n of_o the_o chapter_n i_o find_v many_o thing_n that_o sit_v very_o close_o to_o i_o the_o lord_n begin_v thus_o it_o be_v with_o i_o for_o in_o v._o 2._o i_o remember_v say_v he_o the_o kindn_a of_o thy_o youth_n the_o love_n of_o thy_o espousal_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o in_o the_o wilderness_n in_o a_o land_n that_o be_v not_o sow_o in_o the_o time_n of_o thy_o darkness_n sorrow_n and_o tear_n and_o bondage_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o and_o often_o in_o the_o bitterness_n of_o thy_o soul_n resolve_v to_o follow_v i_o through_o this_o wilderness_n though_o thou_o shall_v perish_v in_o so_o do_v yea_o resolve_v so_o to_o follow_v i_o as_o that_o thy_o heart_n be_v then_o full_o as_o it_o be_v take_v off_o from_o all_o but_o i_o thou_o do_v desire_v nothing_o but_o myself_o but_o ver_fw-la 5._o what_o iniquity_n have_v your_o father_n find_v in_o i_o that_o you_o go_v from_o i_o to_o follow_v after_o vanity_n how_o righteous_o may_v the_o lord_n say_v thus_o to_o i_o be_v he_o not_o better_o to_o i_o by_o far_o then_o ever_o i_o expect_v or_o can_v have_v believe_v v._o 6._o neither_o say_v they_o where_o
i_o can_v never_o find_v nor_o charge_n myself_o withal_o have_v always_o hear_v very_o good_a word_n of_o he_o from_o godly_a people_n only_o i_o can_v not_o find_v that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o speak_v any_o word_n suitable_a to_o my_o condition_n by_o he_o but_o rather_o to_o fill_v i_o with_o notion_n of_o natural_a thing_n and_o in_o a_o natural_a way_n whereupon_o i_o turn_v my_o examination_n into_o prayer_n beseech_v the_o lord_n that_o if_o there_o be_v any_o prejudice_n in_o my_o heart_n that_o lie_v hide_v that_o i_o can_v not_o discern_v that_o he_o will_v be_v please_v to_o root_v it_o out_o and_o not_o let_v it_o hinder_v i_o from_o the_o blessing_n of_o his_o own_o ordinance_n beg_v of_o he_o also_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o put_v some_o word_n into_o his_o mouth_n suitable_a to_o the_o estate_n of_o my_o soul_n and_o give_v i_o a_o ear_n to_o hear_v and_o understand_v it_o and_o so_o with_o some_o hope_n yet_o still_o mix_v with_o fear_n i_o continue_v to_o hear_v he_o still_o and_o thus_o i_o do_v often_o time_n still_o press_v it_o upon_o myself_o that_o it_o be_v my_o darkness_n dulness_n and_o ignorance_n that_o be_v the_o hindrance_n but_o find_v after_o all_o this_o nothing_o suitable_a to_o my_o soul_n to_o answer_v the_o long_a desire_n or_o satisfy_v the_o many_o doubt_n of_o it_o i_o at_o the_o last_o tell_v my_o father_n how_o unprofitable_a his_o ministry_n be_v unto_o i_o who_o also_o conclude_v &_o often_o say_v the_o same_o resolve_v to_o seek_v out_o where_o the_o lord_n shall_v direct_v we_o and_o be_v please_v to_o make_v it_o more_o profitable_a to_o we_o so_o we_o attend_v on_o the_o ministry_n elsewhere_o about_o the_o begin_n of_o the_o year_n 1649._o where_o i_o receive_v some_o satisfaction_n but_o still_o upon_o examination_n find_v little_a profit_v in_o my_o spirit_n though_o i_o can_v not_o but_o acknowledge_v that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v sometime_o to_o speak_v home_o to_o my_o condition_n be_v not_o able_a to_o close_v in_o a_o way_n of_o faith_n with_o what_o be_v deliver_v i_o remain_v in_o a_o very_a sad_a condition_n yet_o continue_v wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n in_o that_o ministry_n above_o a_o year_n and_o then_o return_v into_o the_o country_n be_v much_o solicit_v thereunto_o where_o i_o find_v the_o former_a minister_n upon_o a_o more_o practical_a subject_n i_o continue_v still_o in_o trouble_n of_o spirit_n as_o conclude_v now_o the_o fault_n to_o be_v in_o myself_o because_o when_o i_o enjoy_v such_o mean_n as_o i_o can_v no_o way_n except_v against_o yet_o i_o find_v very_o little_a profit_n or_o benefit_n by_o it_o when_o i_o come_v serious_o to_o examine_v myself_o all_o which_o add_v much_o to_o my_o inward_a trouble_n but_o in_o all_o this_o space_n of_o time_n for_o four_o or_o five_o year_n last_o pass_v be_v i_o exceed_o toss_v to_o and_o fro_o and_o continual_o pester_v with_o divers_a and_o sundry_a temptation_n both_o from_o the_o devil_n and_o my_o own_o wicked_a heart_n to_o instance_n in_o some_o i_o be_v often_o tempt_v to_o very_o hideous_a and_o blasphemous_a thought_n as_o to_o think_v that_o there_o be_v no_o god_n and_o which_o temptation_n be_v always_o suit_v to_o that_o matter_n which_o at_o the_o present_a my_o thought_n be_v work_v upon_o wherein_o indeed_o it_o appear_v to_o be_v a_o mere_a plot_n of_o satan_n that_o subtle_a enemy_n of_o my_o poor_a soul_n as_o for_o instance_n sometime_o when_o in_o the_o bitterness_n of_o my_o trouble_n and_o fear_n i_o have_v make_v any_o appeal_n to_o god_n concern_v the_o desire_n of_o my_o soul_n or_o have_v put_v up_o any_o short_a ejaculation_n to_o he_o or_o have_v be_v meditate_v of_o any_o of_o his_o attribute_n or_o the_o like_a then_o come_v in_o such_o a_o temptation_n as_o this_o why_o who_o do_v thou_o pray_v unto_o do_v thou_o think_v there_o be_v any_o such_o thing_n as_o a_o god_n that_o thou_o appeale_v to_o do_v thou_o ever_o find_v any_o answer_n from_o he_o with_o much_o more_o in_o this_o sort_n and_o when_o any_o scripture_n have_v be_v bring_v to_o my_o thought_n that_o may_v afford_v i_o any_o comfort_n or_o that_o i_o have_v be_v examine_v my_o heart_n from_o any_o scripture_n or_o the_o like_a than_o a_o hundred_o to_o one_o but_o i_o shall_v have_v one_o temptation_n or_o other_o dart_v into_o my_o soul_n to_o question_v the_o truth_n of_o it_o after_o this_o manner_n how_o can_v it_o be_v the_o word_n of_o god_n more_o than_o any_o other_o writing_n and_o how_o shall_v i_o know_v they_o to_o be_v so_o and_o which_o of_o they_o be_v so_o and_o which_o not_o it_o be_v so_o many_o hundred_o year_n a_o go_v write_v and_o have_v go_v through_o so_o many_o hand_n and_o all_o writer_n in_o ancient_a time_n disagree_v about_o it_o etc._n etc._n and_o when_o my_o thought_n have_v be_v set_v or_o fix_v to_o meditate_v of_o that_o everlasting_a condition_n after_o this_o sinful_a life_n be_v end_v or_o endeavour_v to_o attain_v some_o assurance_n of_o a_o happy_a estate_n in_o the_o life_n to_o come_v then_o come_v in_o a_o temptation_n that_o it_o be_v impossible_a that_o ever_o there_o shall_v be_v any_o resurrection_n of_o the_o dead_a with_o many_o carnal_a argument_n to_o back_o it_o but_o these_o temptation_n be_v so_o hideous_a &_o detestable_a even_o by_o the_o light_n of_o nature_n some_o of_o they_o i_o dare_v not_o parley_v long_o with_o they_o but_o endeavour_v still_o to_o detest_v and_o abhor_v they_o and_o to_o raise_v the_o best_a argument_n against_o they_o which_o i_o can_v and_o in_o my_o daily_a course_n of_o read_v the_o word_n to_o gather_v out_o all_o those_o scripture_n that_o i_o can_v observe_v to_o make_v against_o any_o of_o those_o temptation_n and_o so_o to_o answer_v they_o but_o sometime_o the_o more_o i_o reason_v against_o they_o and_o endeavour_v to_o argue_v it_o out_o in_o my_o own_o thought_n the_o more_o they_o will_v prevail_v which_o when_o after_o some_o time_n i_o be_v enable_v to_o perceive_v i_o dare_v no_o long_o parley_v with_o they_o but_o my_o only_a refuge_n be_v to_o throw_v myself_o before_o the_o lord_n and_o there_o to_o tell_v he_o what_o a_o sad_a condition_n i_o be_v in_o and_o how_o satan_n do_v continual_o thus_o torment_v i_o and_o throw_v such_o thing_n continual_o into_o my_o soul_n which_o he_o know_v who_o know_v all_o heart_n be_v the_o burden_n of_o my_o soul_n and_o that_o which_o i_o will_v glad_o be_v rid_v off_o desire_v he_o that_o i_o may_v be_v acquaint_v why_o it_o be_v thus_o with_o i_o that_o he_o do_v loose_a satan_n upon_o i_o as_o also_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v i_o more_o power_n to_o resist_v these_o his_o fiery_a dart_n divers_a other_o temptation_n be_v i_o also_o trouble_v withal_o as_o i_o be_v then_o tempt_v to_o believe_v that_o it_o must_v needs_o be_v impossible_a for_o any_o one_o in_o this_o life_n to_o be_v assure_v of_o their_o salvation_n but_o when_o i_o begin_v to_o consider_v how_o many_o of_o god_n people_n who_o i_o can_v not_o but_o believe_v by_o their_o walking_n do_v enjoy_v much_o of_o this_o assurance_n and_o communion_n with_o god_n then_o do_v this_o temptation_n in_o some_o measure_n vanish_v and_o another_o arise_v in_o the_o room_n of_o it_o that_o sure_a it_o be_v impossible_a that_o ever_o i_o shall_v attain_v to_o any_o such_o assurance_n and_o that_o therefore_o i_o be_v none_o of_o his_o child_n which_o when_o i_o have_v seek_v the_o lord_n about_o and_o also_o endeavour_v to_o attain_v unto_o by_o search_v the_o scripture_n and_o compare_v my_o heart_n with_o they_o etc._n etc._n then_o will_v this_o temptation_n also_o arise_v upon_o the_o neck_n of_o the_o other_o that_o i_o ought_v not_o to_o seek_v or_o labour_v too_o much_o to_o attain_v assurance_n for_o sure_o the_o lord_n do_v not_o see_v it_o good_a for_o i_o for_o shall_v the_o lord_n give_v it_o i_o i_o shall_v undoubted_o be_v so_o lift_v up_o and_o so_o fill_v with_o pride_n of_o spirit_n that_o i_o shall_v not_o be_v able_a to_o contain_v myself_o but_o shall_v much_o dishonour_v the_o lord_n by_o it_o these_o with_o many_o such_o like_a temptation_n be_v i_o toss_v up_o &_o down_o withal_o until_o my_o spirit_n be_v even_o overwhelm_v within_o i_o have_v no_o other_o refuge_n but_o only_o to_o tell_v the_o lord_n and_o bemoan_v my_o condition_n to_o he_o who_o as_o yet_o seem_v only_o to_o turn_v the_o deaf_a ear_n to_o i_o and_o to_o cover_v all_o my_o prayer_n with_o a_o cloud_n yet_o in_o all_o this_o time_n of_o my_o trouble_n and_o temptation_n be_v the_o lord_n please_v in_o a_o secret_a manner_n to_o support_v my_o
the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o pardon_v all_o the_o unbelieved_a working_n of_o my_o corrupt_a heart_n and_o those_o hard_a thought_n i_o have_v have_v of_o god_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v in_o such_o clear_a vision_n of_o himself_o as_o may_v mighty_o increase_v my_o faith_n which_o desire_v of_o i_o be_v spread_v before_o the_o lord_n that_o day_n but_o have_v receive_v at_o this_o time_n some_o little_a refresh_n from_o those_o instruction_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v then_o to_o communicate_v by_o mr._n knight_n from_o heb._n 12._o 5-13_a from_o which_o scripture_n i_o be_v also_o convince_v that_o in_o most_o of_o the_o chastisement_n the_o lord_n have_v see_v meet_a to_o lay_v i_o under_o i_o have_v either_o despise_v his_o chastisement_n or_o else_o faint_v under_o they_o the_o lord_n i_o say_v have_v this_o day_n break_v in_o thus_o upon_o my_o heart_n by_o his_o spirit_n through_o his_o word_n the_o devil_n soon_o begin_v again_o with_o i_o take_v this_o opportunity_n i_o have_v set_v myself_o and_o endeavour_v to_o lay_v my_o heart_n to_o the_o word_n and_o see_v what_o comfortable_a ground_n i_o can_v take_v up_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v indeed_o afflict_v i_o in_o mercy_n etc._n etc._n the_o devil_n now_o begin_v to_o endeavour_v to_o puff_n up_o my_o spirit_n with_o a_o conceit_n that_o i_o be_v able_a to_o speak_v more_o in_o this_o kind_n than_o many_o other_o who_o be_v at_o that_o time_n also_o by_o he_o present_v but_o through_o mercy_n this_o do_v not_o pass_v many_o day_n before_o the_o lord_n sad_o show_v i_o my_o folly_n and_o weakness_n herein_o for_o a_o little_a while_n after_o there_o be_v a_o other_o day_n keep_v to_o which_o meeting_n i_o go_v and_o true_o after_o i_o come_v there_o the_o lord_n set_v home_o these_o wicked_a thought_n together_o with_o several_a other_o thing_n which_o wrought_v so_o upon_o my_o spirit_n that_o my_o heart_n be_v even_o overwhelm_v within_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o can_v not_o keep_v it_o to_o myself_o but_o be_v constrain_v to_o discover_v it_o by_o my_o carriage_n which_o mr._n knight_n take_v notice_n of_o speak_v to_o i_o after_o the_o exercise_n at_o which_o time_n i_o be_v so_o far_o from_o that_o ability_n that_o satan_n possess_v i_o with_o thought_n of_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a in_o any_o measure_n to_o speak_v my_o heart_n to_o he_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v one_o who_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v up_o to_o a_o dumb_a spirit_n and_o think_v those_o three_o word_n which_o be_v all_o that_o i_o can_v then_o speak_v be_v through_o a_o mere_a mistake_n sad_o misconstrued_n by_o he_o yet_o have_v i_o not_o power_n to_o speak_v one_o word_n to_o clear_v my_o meaning_n suppose_v it_o may_v possible_o be_v that_o the_o lord_n have_v something_o to_o speak_v to_o i_o even_o through_o that_o mistake_n there_o be_v also_o this_o day_n a_o word_n set_v home_o very_o much_o on_o my_o heart_n from_o something_o mr._n milborn_n note_v to_o we_o which_o also_o add_v much_o to_o my_o sadness_n and_o it_o be_v this_o that_o i_o have_v pray_v and_o pray_v again_o and_o again_o but_o when_o i_o have_v do_v i_o never_o look_v after_o the_o return_n of_o they_o have_v never_o yet_o any_o experience_n make_v out_o to_o i_o that_o i_o dare_v acknowledge_v this_o or_o that_o to_o be_v a_o return_n of_o my_o prayer_n nay_o though_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v in_o a_o mercy_n that_o i_o have_v beg_v of_o he_o i_o be_v still_o for_o many_o year_n tempt_v to_o believe_v that_o it_o have_v be_v so_o though_o i_o have_v not_o pray_v and_o so_o it_o be_v not_o give_v in_o as_o a_o answer_n to_o prayer_n which_o do_v much_o eat_v out_o the_o sweetness_n of_o those_o mercy_n which_o i_o do_v enjoy_v in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o think_v i_o do_v now_o even_o stand_v and_o admire_v what_o it_o be_v that_o do_v at_o that_o time_n support_v my_o spirit_n &_o carry_v i_o on_o in_o a_o continue_a seek_v of_o god_n be_v not_o able_a then_o to_o record_v a_o answer_n of_o prayer_n at_o all_o that_o i_o can_v bring_v to_o mind_n however_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v before_o this_o time_n to_o give_v i_o many_o gracious_a answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o be_v my_o eye_n withhold_v from_o see_v they_o to_o be_v so_o and_o take_v the_o comfort_n thereof_o until_o a_o long_a after_o yea_o sometime_o some_o year_n after_o some_o of_o they_o be_v give_v in_o which_o yet_o afterward_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o make_v out_o unto_o i_o even_o before_o the_o write_n hereof_o but_o after_o all_o this_o the_o lord_n by_o the_o act_n of_o his_o providence_n seem_v much_o to_o cross_v these_o hope_n and_o desire_n of_o his_o people_n in_o join_v in_o fellowship_n together_o which_o when_o i_o hear_v of_o it_o be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o i_o who_o great_o desire_v the_o accomplishment_n of_o it_o sometime_o think_v that_o it_o may_v be_v even_o for_o my_o sake_n alone_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v do_v it_o other_o time_n be_v tempt_v to_o think_v that_o if_o it_o have_v be_v the_o lord_n act_v to_o work_v up_o my_o spirit_n to_o that_o pitch_n that_o i_o think_v i_o find_v it_o wrought_v up_o unto_o than_o he_o will_v also_o have_v go_v on_o to_o have_v perfect_v my_o desire_n but_o be_v again_o enable_v on_o the_o other_o side_n to_o reason_n thus_o with_o myself_o that_o it_o be_v my_o duty_n to_o wait_v patient_o upon_o the_o lord_n and_o submit_v to_o he_o as_o well_o for_o the_o time_n as_o for_o the_o matter_n i_o endeavour_v the_o lord_n assist_v i_o to_o quiet_v my_o spirit_n with_o such_o thought_n as_o these_o that_o the_o lord_n may_v delay_v it_o in_o much_o mercy_n that_o so_o i_o may_v be_v the_o more_o fit_a for_o it_o when_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o accomplish_v it_o apprehend_v that_o sure_o he_o see_v i_o not_o yet_o fit_a for_o such_o a_o mercy_n than_o do_v i_o again_o turn_v to_o the_o lord_n and_o thus_o desire_v to_o submit_v to_o he_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o fit_v i_o for_o such_o a_o mercy_n and_o if_o he_o see_v it_o good_a to_o afford_v i_o the_o mercy_n here_o if_o not_o that_o he_o will_v direct_v i_o where_o to_o join_v that_o may_v be_v more_o for_o his_o glory_n and_o my_o soul_n good_a thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o go_v on_o well_o nigh_o a_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n still_o come_v in_o with_o more_o light_n and_o discovery_n of_o his_o love_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o more_o and_o more_o that_o work_n which_o he_o have_v begin_v through_o his_o rich_a and_o free_a grace_n in_o my_o lord_n jesus_n in_o who_o i_o do_v now_o desire_v only_o and_o alone_o to_o be_v find_v and_o not_o in_o any_o of_o my_o own_o righteousness_n who_o have_v now_o enable_v i_o to_o see_v to_o be_v very_o loathsome_a and_o abominable_a though_o former_o i_o have_v too_o much_o dote_v upon_o they_o then_o in_o the_o three_o month_n in_o the_o year_n 1652._o mr._n knight_n be_v go_v into_o the_o north_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o a_o mere_a providence_n as_o i_o desire_v to_o look_v upon_o it_o not_o know_v as_o yet_o but_o that_o i_o may_v also_o say_v as_o a_o return_n of_o many_o of_o my_o former_a poor_a desire_n to_o send_v mr._n rogers_n to_o the_o meeting_n at_o mr._n knight_n house_n have_v preach_v one_o lord_n day_n before_o at_o the_o chapel_n at_o hammersmith_n which_o occasion_v very_o strong_a and_o earnest_a desire_n in_o i_o to_o hear_v he_o again_o which_o now_o i_o do_v the_o lord_n direct_v he_o this_o time_n to_o speak_v unto_o we_o concern_v church_n discipline_n which_o i_o be_v yet_o very_o dark_a in_o which_o the_o lord_n enable_v he_o to_o give_v i_o very_o much_o and_o great_a satisfaction_n which_o otherwise_o i_o have_v cause_n to_o fear_v i_o may_v more_o inconsiderate_o have_v rush_v upon_o thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v i_o hope_v in_o answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o far_a to_o clear_v up_o this_o way_n of_o he_o to_o i_o prove_v it_o clear_o to_o be_v the_o way_n of_o the_o gospel_n and_o that_o which_o every_o one_o ought_v to_o be_v full_o satisfy_v in_o before_o they_o enter_v upon_o this_o be_v now_o more_o clear_v unto_o i_o my_o desire_n and_o long_n after_o the_o enjoyment_n of_o god_n in_o this_o zion_n grow_v more_o strong_a and_o earnest_a i_o continual_o mention_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o real_o i_o can_v tell_v but_o that_o i_o shall_v rob_v the_o lord_n of_o his_o glory_n in_o this_o particular_a if_o i_o shall_v not_o also_o acknowledge_v he_o further_o by_o my_o poor_a
that_o his_o soul_n abhor_v and_o lie_v under_o the_o apprehension_n of_o myself_o as_o one_o cast_v off_o by_o god_n who_o he_o never_o regard_v have_v pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o beg_v a_o soft_a heart_n and_o a_o renew_a and_o change_v nature_n urge_v he_o often_o with_o that_o similitude_n of_o a_o child_n come_v to_o his_o father_n to_o beg_v bread_n mat._n 7._o 9_o 10_o 11._o or_o rather_o in_o my_o apprehension_n find_v my_o heart_n grow_v more_o hard_a and_o my_o affection_n more_o cold_a and_o lukewarm_a i_o lay_v under_o another_o temptation_n from_o satan_n that_o sure_o i_o be_v but_o a_o hypocrite_n in_o all_o that_o i_o do_v and_o therefore_o shall_v but_o heap_v up_o wrath_n against_o myself_o as_o in_o job_n 36._o 13._o and_o this_o be_v set_v home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n upon_o several_a ground_n as_o 1._o because_o as_o he_o tell_v i_o i_o do_v not_o so_o much_o aim_v at_o the_o glory_n of_o god_n as_o at_o that_o happy_a estate_n which_o be_v to_o be_v enjoy_v in_o heaven_n 2._o because_o i_o can_v not_o find_v my_o love_n work_v so_o strong_o towards_o god_n as_o towards_o myself_o desire_v to_o be_v free_v from_o the_o torment_n of_o hell_n which_o i_o conceive_v to_o be_v intolerable_a as_o also_o 3._o find_v sometime_o a_o kind_n of_o secret_a desire_n that_o some_o body_n may_v hear_v or_o know_v of_o my_o performance_n of_o duty_n etc._n etc._n though_o i_o never_o dare_v act_n in_o any_o measure_n so_o as_o that_o it_o may_v be_v discern_v but_o always_o strive_v to_o my_o utmost_a ability_n to_o conceal_v what_o ever_o possible_o i_o may_v yet_o find_v sometime_o some_o such_o desire_n of_o vain_a glory_n in_o my_o spirit_n that_o though_o i_o do_v do_v it_o thus_o private_o yet_o if_o it_o can_v have_v be_v know_v and_o not_o by_o my_o mean_n i_o think_v i_o can_v be_v content_a and_o this_o also_o lay_v as_o a_o heavy_a weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o think_v that_o there_o shall_v such_o wicked_a vain_a and_o sinful_a thought_n and_o desire_n be_v suggest_v to_o i_o or_o for_o anytime_n though_o never_o so_o small_a lodge_v within_o i_o jer._n 4._o 14._o which_o when_o i_o begin_v to_o consider_v sad_o of_o do_v but_o still_o renew_v and_o increase_v my_o trouble_n and_o fear_n be_v a_o discovery_n of_o the_o hypocrisy_n that_o be_v in_o my_o heart_n and_o for_o the_o most_o part_n of_o this_o my_o trouble_n i_o lay_v under_o such_o a_o sense_n of_o the_o wrath_n of_o god_n that_o i_o think_v that_o all_o i_o have_v and_o enjoy_v be_v curse_v to_o i_o often_o admire_v that_o every_o bit_n of_o bread_n i_o eat_v do_v not_o choke_v i_o or_o every_o creature_n do_v not_o put_v a_o end_n to_o my_o life_n often_o fear_v that_o the_o company_n i_o be_v in_o shall_v fare_v the_o worse_a for_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o if_o i_o go_v by_o water_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o conceive_v i_o may_v be_v a_o occasion_n of_o drown_v all_o those_o that_o be_v with_o i_o oh_o how_o desirous_a be_v my_o soul_n at_o this_o time_n of_o the_o help_n and_o counsel_n of_o my_o godly_a wise_a friend_n and_o christian_n but_o through_o many_o and_o sundry_a temptation_n still_o deprive_v myself_o of_o it_o and_o of_o the_o benefit_n i_o may_v have_v gain_v by_o it_o through_o my_o wicked_a silence_n in_o all_o company_n and_o loathness_n to_o impart_v my_o condition_n to_o any_o sometime_o my_o wicked_a corrupt_a heart_n will_v base_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a to_o discourse_v or_o speak_v of_o any_o spiritual_a thing_n and_o therefore_o i_o shall_v but_o only_o thereby_o discover_v my_o own_o ignorance_n and_o no_o way_n advantage_v myself_o etc._n etc._n which_o when_o i_o be_v enable_v still_o to_o consider_v better_o of_o recollect_v my_o thought_n and_o call_v they_o into_o question_n as_o it_o be_v then_o come_v the_o devil_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o this_o do_v but_o note_v my_o hypocrisy_n and_o far_o when_o i_o have_v be_v trouble_v with_o it_o to_o think_v that_o i_o shall_v give_v way_n to_o such_o wicked_a thought_n as_o these_o then_o come_v in_o satan_n again_o on_o the_o other_o side_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o if_o i_o shall_v put_v myself_o forward_o in_o any_o discourse_n i_o shall_v but_o thereby_o cause_v other_o to_o have_v a_o better_a opinion_n of_o i_o than_o indeed_o i_o deserve_v and_o so_o deceive_v other_o and_o delude_v my_o own_o soul_n and_o this_o latter_a temptation_n be_v that_o which_o indeed_o do_v often_o prevail_v with_o i_o be_v ever_o most_o of_o all_o prone_a to_o fear_v the_o delusion_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o so_o esteem_v my_o condition_n to_o be_v better_a than_o it_o be_v this_o go_v on_o in_o this_o way_n of_o wicked_a silence_n make_v many_o of_o my_o christian_a friend_n i_o do_v real_o believe_v not_o know_v what_o to_o think_v of_o i_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v estrange_v from_o i_o which_o i_o soon_o perceive_v it_o be_v a_o most_o heavy_a affliction_n to_o i_o &_o such_o as_o the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n know_v lay_v very_o sad_o upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o in_o any_o measure_n make_v know_v to_o they_o but_o between_o god_n and_o my_o own_o soul_n condole_v this_o my_o miserable_a condition_n then_o be_v to_o remove_v out_o of_o london_n which_o be_v a_o exceed_a trouble_n to_o i_o to_o consider_v how_o we_o shall_v by_o it_o be_v deprive_v of_o those_o mean_n which_o we_o there_o may_v enjoy_v although_o indeed_o neither_o my_o father_n mother_n or_o myself_o can_v enjoy_v our_o health_n there_o and_o remove_v into_o the_o country_n about_o the_o year_n 1647._o i_o find_v the_o ministry_n under_o which_o i_o then_o be_v exceed_o dead_a and_o spiritless_a then_o when_o i_o come_v home_o i_o think_v i_o know_v as_o much_o and_o no_o more_o to_o my_o edification_n in_o that_o condition_n i_o be_v in_o than_o i_o do_v when_o i_o go_v the_o subject_n which_o be_v then_o and_o for_o a_o long_a time_n together_o treat_v on_o be_v that_o scripture_n gen._n 2._o 7._o the_o lord_n breathe_v into_o man_n the_o breath_n of_o life_n and_o man_n become_v a_o live_a soul_n the_o main_a scope_n of_o the_o minister_n be_v to_o show_v what_o the_o natural_a soul_n be_v that_o god_n have_v put_v into_o man_n handle_v it_o as_o i_o conceive_v more_o like_a a_o philosopher_n than_o a_o gospel-preacher_n which_o notional_a thing_n be_v not_o those_o which_o can_v satisfy_v my_o soul_n which_o want_v now_o some_o support_n from_o heaven_n in_o this_o sad_a droop_a condition_n i_o be_v in_o but_o meet_v with_o nothing_o suitable_a to_o my_o present_a estate_n and_o be_v here_o cast_v in_o a_o place_n where_o i_o be_v deprive_v of_o all_o other_o mean_n i_o grow_v still_o into_o a_o more_o sad_a condition_n every_o day_n then_o do_v i_o lie_v under_o a_o very_a sad_a and_o strange_a temptation_n to_o neglect_v the_o ordinance_n of_o preach_v which_o be_v ground_v upon_o the_o pretence_n that_o i_o may_v improve_v my_o time_n at_o home_n to_o my_o more_o spiritual_a advantage_n which_o temptation_n i_o often_o yield_v to_o and_o when_o i_o have_v any_o opportunity_n or_o seem_a excuse_n by_o reason_n of_o any_o small_a bodily_a distemper_n either_o the_o headache_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o take_v those_o occasion_n to_o stay_v at_o home_n and_o so_o yield_v to_o the_o temptation_n and_o thus_o i_o do_v often_o but_o when_o i_o come_v still_o at_o night_n to_o a_o review_n of_o what_o i_o have_v do_v and_o how_o i_o have_v spend_v my_o time_n in_o each_o of_o these_o day_n as_o also_o what_o i_o have_v gain_v i_o find_v it_o to_o be_v so_o little_a through_o one_o temptation_n or_o other_o that_o i_o now_o begin_v to_o conceive_v and_o fear_v that_o it_o be_v only_o a_o temptation_n of_o the_o devil_n to_o bring_v i_o out_o of_o love_n with_o the_o ordinance_n of_o god_n whereupon_o the_o lord_n also_o enable_v i_o to_o begin_v to_o take_v a_o view_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n endeavour_v to_o persuade_v myself_o that_o the_o fault_n be_v only_o in_o i_o and_o that_o sure_o i_o be_v some_o way_n or_o other_o prejudice_v against_o the_o man_n or_o his_o preach_n not_o look_v as_o i_o ought_v to_o the_o power_n of_o god_n which_o be_v able_a to_o bless_v that_o mean_n to_o i_o that_o he_o have_v now_o cast_v i_o under_o contrary_a to_o my_o desire_n and_o that_o it_o be_v therefore_o just_a with_o god_n to_o let_v it_o be_v to_o i_o according_a to_o my_o unbeleef_n whereupon_o i_o begin_v again_o to_o examine_v my_o own_o heart_n whether_o or_o no_o i_o have_v any_o kind_n of_o prejudice_n against_o the_o man_n which_o
why_o be_v thou_o disquiet_v within_o i_o hope_v thou_o in_o god_n the_o lord_n set_v this_o home_n with_o much_o power_n upon_o my_o spirit_n at_o this_o time_n have_v be_v all_o the_o winter_n deprive_v of_o the_o enjoy_n of_o any_o public_a mean_n the_o lord_n i_o say_v set_v this_o scripture_n so_o home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n i_o begin_v at_o last_o to_o reason_n thus_o with_o myself_o and_o to_o demand_v of_o my_o soul_n the_o reason_n of_o this_o my_o trouble_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v also_o to_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o view_n of_o some_o sermon_n of_o mr._n marshal_n and_o other_o which_o i_o have_v former_o hear_v some_o expression_n in_o they_o be_v bring_v to_o my_o mind_n wherein_o i_o find_v several_a answer_n to_o many_o thing_n which_o i_o allege_v as_o the_o ground_n of_o my_o trouble_n i_o be_v also_o by_o the_o lord_n i_o hope_v put_v upon_o a_o review_n of_o that_o little_a book_n call_v the_o marrow_n of_o modern_a divinity_n which_o i_o have_v former_o read_v with_o much_o tremble_a with_o a_o secret_a persuasion_n in_o my_o heart_n that_o those_o be_v real_a truth_n though_o former_o i_o neither_o can_v nor_o dare_v full_o close_a with_o they_o which_o two_o mean_n do_v through_o the_o blessing_n of_o god_n at_o the_o present_a somewhat_o settle_v and_o quiet_v my_o turmoil_v spirit_n then_o in_o the_o begin_n of_o the_o year_n 1651._o go_v into_o the_o country_n and_o stay_n about_o a_o month_n within_o 4_o or_o 5_o mile_n where_o mr._n stevens_n exercise_v have_v hear_v of_o he_o i_o have_v a_o great_a desire_n to_o hear_v he_o which_o also_o i_o do_v 3_o or_o 4_o time_n with_o much_o content_n he_o be_v one_o of_o those_o time_n upon_o gal._n 3._o 8._o the_o scripture_n foresee_v that_o god_n will_v justify_v the_o heathen_a through_o faith_n etc._n etc._n where_o he_o show_v we_o full_o that_o god_n do_v not_o justify_v the_o righteous_a but_o even_a heathen_n ungodly_a man_n which_o word_n add_v somewhat_o to_o my_o comfort_n only_o i_o can_v not_o say_v i_o have_v faith_n and_o this_o stumble_v i_o again_o then_o come_v to_o colechester_n and_o rest_v only_o one_o lord_n day_n there_o i_o hear_v mr._n archer_n who_o by_o the_o providence_n of_o god_n be_v then_o upon_o that_o scripture_n in_o joh._n 16._o 8._o where_o the_o lord_n promise_v to_o send_v the_o spirit_n &_o that_o it_o shall_v convince_v the_o world_n of_o sin_n and_o of_o righteousness_n where_o he_o full_o show_v that_o it_o be_v the_o office_n of_o the_o spirit_n to_o convince_v humble_a sinner_n of_o a_o all-sufficient_a righteousness_n in_o jesus_n christ_n thereupon_o still_o labour_v to_o take_v man_n off_o from_o all_o dependence_n upon_o their_o own_o righteousness_n or_o any_o thing_n in_o they_o or_o do_v by_o they_o which_o i_o now_o find_v i_o have_v be_v very_o guilty_a of_o tell_v we_o also_o that_o all_o those_o duty_n grace_n or_o qualification_n that_o we_o so_o rest_v upon_o be_v not_o the_o righteousness_n of_o christ_n etc._n etc._n therefore_o too_o scant_o and_o narrow_a to_o cover_v any_o soul_n at_o which_o time_n i_o must_v needs_o say_v i_o do_v real_o believe_v that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o strike_v the_o first_o and_o great_a blow_n to_o dependence_n on_o my_o own_o act_n although_o i_o have_v yet_o much_o confusion_n and_o trouble_n in_o my_o spirit_n concern_v this_o thing_n be_v yet_o very_o dark_a in_o the_o understanding_n of_o it_o but_o in_o this_o short_a time_n of_o my_o be_v in_o the_o country_n the_o lord_n have_v in_o some_o measure_n thus_o begin_v as_o it_o be_v to_o speak_v a_o word_n of_o comfort_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n i_o be_v strange_o in_o my_o own_o thought_n i_o hope_v by_o the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n put_v upon_o the_o desire_n of_o communion_n with_o the_o people_n of_o god_n according_a to_o the_o gospel_n and_o so_o upon_o the_o search_n of_o the_o scripture_n according_a to_o my_o poor_a measure_n to_o that_o end_n accompany_v with_o the_o experience_n i_o former_o have_v of_o that_o way_n call_v the_o presbytery_n which_o i_o be_v now_o very_a much_o unsatisfied_a in_o which_o dissatisfaction_n be_v at_o the_o present_a only_o ground_v upon_o the_o practice_n of_o they_o who_o walk_v in_o that_o way_n find_v they_o general_o so_o full_a of_o wrath_n bitterness_n clamour_n and_o evil_a speak_v even_o of_o brethren_n which_o i_o conceive_v not_o to_o be_v a_o gospel-frame_n of_o spirit_n compare_v with_o those_o who_o practise_v the_o contrary_n which_o be_v much_o set_v upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o be_v more_o sweet_a humble_a and_o christian_n like_a as_o also_o a_o way_n for_o more_o growth_n and_o establishment_n be_v more_o full_a of_o love_n which_o the_o gospel_n be_v so_o full_a of_o and_o watch_v over_o one_o another_o etc._n etc._n which_o i_o now_o see_v i_o stand_v in_o great_a need_n of_o and_o therefore_o much_o desire_v find_v my_o spirit_n then_o much_o draw_v out_o to_o seek_v the_o lord_n direction_n in_o it_o beseech_v he_o more_o and_o more_o to_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o in_o what_o way_n of_o worship_n i_o may_v most_o honour_v he_o and_o meet_v with_o and_o enjoy_v most_o of_o he_o as_o also_o when_o and_o where_o i_o may_v so_o join_v beg_v of_o he_o also_o with_o much_o and_o earnest_a desire_n to_o fit_v i_o for_o it_o then_o come_v home_o again_o my_o trouble_n renew_v to_o think_v how_o my_o lot_n be_v cast_v in_o such_o a_o place_n where_o i_o have_v little_a society_n that_o i_o can_v reap_v any_o benefit_n from_o and_o under_o his_o ministry_n which_o i_o continual_o find_v very_o unprofitable_a to_o i_o at_o last_o make_v this_o know_v to_o a_o friend_n how_o dissatisfy_v i_o be_v to_o hear_v he_o she_o advise_v i_o to_o go_v hear_v mr._n knight_n which_o according_o i_o do_v about_o midsummer_n 1651._o who_o through_o the_o assistance_n of_o god_n do_v full_o lay_v open_a the_o free_a and_o abundant_a grace_n of_o god_n to_o poor_a creature_n who_o see_v their_o lose_a and_o undo_v condition_n out_o of_o christ_n through_o who_o ministry_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o go_v on_o to_o convince_v i_o yet_o far_o and_o more_o full_o of_o my_o great_a unbeleef_n and_o deafness_n to_o jesus_n christ_n which_o have_v wrought_v so_o many_o sad_a trouble_n upon_o my_o spirit_n be_v convince_v of_o which_o i_o will_v glad_o have_v close_v with_o jesus_n christ_n and_o rely_v upon_o he_o have_v nothing_o to_o say_v against_o it_o but_o only_o my_o own_o wretchedness_n which_o be_v so_o often_o and_o full_o by_o he_o answer_v i_o have_v at_o last_o nothing_o to_o say_v but_o only_o that_o i_o be_v so_o overpower_a with_o unbelief_n that_o though_o i_o will_v have_v close_v with_o jesus_n christ_n glad_o and_o with_o all_o my_o soul_n yet_o i_o neither_o dare_v nor_o can_v do_v it_o as_o i_o then_o think_v then_o have_v hear_v of_o the_o meeting_n at_o mr._n knight_n house_n we_o go_v thither_o towards_o the_o end_n of_o aug._n 1651._o be_v about_o a_o week_n before_o the_o fight_n at_o worcester_n at_o which_o time_n they_o apply_v themselves_o much_o to_o speak_v to_o the_o present_a condition_n of_o the_o nation_n and_o the_o godly_a in_o it_o but_o after_o some_o time_n frequent_v this_o meeting_n and_o find_v much_o refreshment_n and_o satisfaction_n from_o it_o about_o a_o month_n or_o two_o at_o the_o most_o after_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o draw_v out_o my_o spirit_n exceed_o to_o spread_v my_o condition_n before_o the_o lord_n and_o also_o crave_v the_o prayer_n of_o his_o people_n in_o that_o meeting_n in_o the_o behalf_n of_o my_o trouble_a soul_n and_o according_o though_o with_o much_o repulse_n in_o myself_o i_o write_v a_o paper_n wherein_o i_o do_v acknowledge_v before_o the_o lord_n that_o have_v be_v convince_v of_o my_o wretched_a condition_n i_o do_v thereupon_o labour_n and_o strive_v to_o walk_v more_o close_o with_o the_o lord_n etc._n etc._n which_o be_v no_o way_n able_a to_o accomplish_v i_o dare_v not_o believe_v or_o go_v to_o god_n as_o a_o father_n but_o be_v in_o some_o measure_n convince_v that_o i_o be_v all_o this_o while_n out_o of_o the_o way_n not_o be_v yet_o thorough_o convince_v of_o the_o righteousness_n of_o christ_n but_o go_v about_o too_o much_o to_o establish_v my_o own_o righteousness_n i_o do_v then_o desire_v their_o prayer_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o reveal_v more_o of_o his_o mind_n and_o will_n in_o jesus_n christ_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o enable_v i_o to_o deny_v myself_o and_o rely_v whole_o upon_o he_o and_o have_v a_o fit_a opportunity_n of_o privacy_n come_v there_o before_o any_o other_o company_n i_o lay_v it_o down_o upon_o the_o table_n and_o it_o
please_v the_o lord_n so_o to_o order_v it_o mr._n knight_n be_v absent_a mr._n barker_n come_v in_o that_o day_n who_o be_v altogether_o unknown_a to_o i_o who_o take_v a_o view_n of_o this_o paper_n among_o other_o do_v mention_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n both_o in_o the_o entrance_n as_o also_o in_o the_o close_a of_o that_o day_n service_n the_o lord_n put_v into_o his_o heart_n and_o mouth_n a_o very_a seasonable_a word_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n which_o be_v then_o speak_v from_o 2_o pet._n 2._o 3_o 4_o 5._o if_o so_o be_v that_o you_o have_v taste_v that_o the_o lord_n be_v gracious_a to_o who_o come_v as_o live_a stone_n dissallow_v indeed_o of_o man_n but_o choose_v of_o god_n and_o precious_a etc._n etc._n from_o which_o scripture_n and_o what_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o he_o at_o that_o time_n to_o communicate_v from_o it_o do_v my_o soul_n receive_v very_o much_o refreshment_n and_o satisfaction_n then_o do_v the_o lord_n also_o direct_v the_o spirit_n of_o those_o that_o carry_v on_o that_o meeting_n to_o treat_v much_o about_o temptation_n from_o which_o there_o be_v many_o seasonable_a useful_a truth_n set_v home_o upon_o my_o heart_n find_v by_o this_o discourse_n that_o scripture_n in_o 1_o cor._n 10._o 13._o plain_o make_v good_a to_o my_o poor_a soul_n that_o no_o temptation_n have_v take_v i_o but_o such_o as_o i_o now_o see_v be_v common_a to_o other_o that_o i_o dare_v not_o think_v but_o to_o be_v the_o people_n of_o god_n now_o hear_v they_o complain_v of_o the_o same_o thing_n which_o together_o with_o the_o refreshment_n and_o support_a consideration_n under_o each_o of_o these_o which_o be_v hold_v out_o to_o we_o be_v my_o poor_a droop_a spirit_n mighty_o support_v after_o this_o it_o please_v the_o lord_n also_o to_o direct_v they_o in_o this_o meeting_n to_o treat_v about_o that_o great_a grace_n of_o faith_n and_o so_o afterward_o to_o answer_v many_o doubt_n and_o fear_n that_o lay_v upon_o many_o soul_n from_o all_o which_o be_v too_o large_a here_o to_o relate_v my_o soul_n receive_v very_o much_o refresh_v be_v in_o the_o close_a of_o that_o service_n put_v again_o upon_o it_o by_o the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n through_o these_o his_o servant_n to_o put_v the_o question_n to_o my_o soul_n at_o every_o turn_n doubt_v whence_o come_v thou_o or_o wherefore_o do_v thou_o doubt_v and_o true_o the_o lord_n have_v speak_v so_o much_o to_o my_o soul_n by_o all_o these_o mean_n and_o instrument_n former_o mention_v that_o the_o strength_n of_o my_o doubt_n and_o fear_n begin_v so_o to_o scatter_v that_o i_o can_v give_v very_o little_a account_n of_o the_o cause_n or_o ground_n of_o they_o be_v also_o now_o convince_v in_o some_o measure_n that_o i_o do_v by_o these_o doubt_n fear_n jealousy_n and_o hard_a thought_n of_o god_n much_o provoke_v and_o dishonour_v he_o so_o that_o though_o former_o i_o think_v it_o as_o it_o be_v a_o virtue_n in_o i_o to_o be_v doubt_v and_o question_v my_o estate_n i_o come_v now_o in_o some_o measure_n through_o grace_n to_o see_v that_o it_o be_v a_o heinous_a sin_n and_o therefore_o to_o endeavour_v strive_v and_o pray_v and_o do_v all_o i_o can_v against_o they_o yet_o do_v often_o i_o lie_v under_o many_o sad_a apprehension_n arise_v hence_o be_v convince_v by_o the_o word_n in_o read_v in_o one_o of_o mr._n burrows_n book_n that_o there_o be_v no_o worship_n acceptable_a to_o god_n but_o that_o which_o be_v tender_v up_o to_o he_o as_o a_o father_n and_o the_o father_n of_o our_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n now_o i_o not_o find_v myself_o able_a at_o that_o time_n to_o look_v upon_o god_n or_o look_v up_o to_o he_o under_o this_o relation_n of_o a_o father_n only_o look_v upon_o he_o as_o a_o gracious_a merciful_a and_o yet_o withal_o a_o just_a severe_a god_n this_o be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o my_o spirit_n than_o do_v the_o lord_n by_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n dispense_v by_o mr._n knight_n at_o the_o chapel_n at_o hammersmith_n put_v i_o upon_o the_o serious_a thought_n of_o that_o scripture_n in_o jer._n 3._o 1_o 4_o 12_o 13_o 14_o 15_o 19_o vers_fw-la which_o at_o that_o time_n take_v much_o upon_o my_o heart_n in_o this_o particular_a have_v no_o power_n to_o gainsay_v the_o duty_n require_v in_o it_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n dispense_v by_o mr._n knight_n and_o sometime_o some_o other_o to_o come_v in_o further_o carry_v on_o this_o work_n that_o he_o have_v thus_o begin_v in_o my_o soul_n enable_v i_o daily_o more_o and_o more_o to_o grow_v up_o towards_o a_o more_o full_a assurance_n and_o confident_a roll_v upon_o and_o give_v up_o my_o whole_a soul_n to_o jesus_n christ_n give_v i_o bodily_a to_o see_v more_o and_o more_o my_o own_o emptiness_n &_o nothingness_n &_o the_o conrinual_a need_n i_o stand_v in_o of_o he_o without_o who_o i_o now_o see_v that_o i_o be_v nothing_o have_v nothing_o and_o can_v have_v nothing_o but_o only_a sin_n as_o also_o that_o fullness_n that_o be_v in_o he_o together_o with_o a_o readiness_n to_o give_v forth_o and_o communicate_v out_o of_o it_o to_o poor_a creature_n who_o see_v the_o need_n they_o have_v of_o it_o and_o come_v to_o he_o for_o it_o which_o i_o now_o desire_v above_o all_o thing_n strength_n to_o do_v and_o that_o i_o may_v go_v whole_o out_o of_o myself_o and_o come_v to_o he_o for_o life_n then_o hear_v that_o mr._n knight_n and_o some_o few_o christian_n more_o be_v about_o gather_v into_o a_o communion_n together_o i_o be_v much_o rejoice_v in_o spirit_n at_o it_o suppose_v that_o happy_o the_o lord_n may_v please_v to_o make_v it_o a_o mercy_n to_o i_o if_o i_o can_v but_o see_v he_o clear_v up_o my_o way_n and_o open_v a_o door_n for_o i_o to_o join_v with_o they_o which_o work_n seem_v for_o a_o time_n to_o go_v on_o in_o their_o desire_n and_o intention_n yet_o there_o be_v much_o fear_n arise_v in_o my_o spirit_n concern_v it_o how_o i_o shall_v be_v enable_v to_o make_v out_o my_o condition_n so_o as_o that_o i_o may_v be_v approve_v of_o be_v full_a of_o ebbing_n and_o flow_n sometime_o hope_v a_o little_a and_o sometime_o again_o full_a of_o fear_n thus_o be_v at_o a_o great_a stand_n in_o myself_o not_o know_v what_o to_o do_v but_o often_o seek_v the_o lord_n concern_v it_o who_o be_v please_v at_o last_o to_o enable_v i_o to_o take_v up_o this_o resolution_n that_o through_o his_o grace_n assist_v of_o i_o i_o will_v put_v it_o upon_o the_o trial_n rely_v upon_o he_o to_o enable_v i_o to_o make_v out_o what_o himself_o have_v wrought_v in_o my_o soul_n though_o in_o much_o weakness_n yet_o i_o hope_v in_o truth_n and_o this_o i_o be_v the_o more_o willing_a unto_o that_o scripture_n or_o rule_n of_o the_o apostle_n be_v then_o much_o set_v upon_o the_o heart_n in_o the_o 1_o pet._n 3._o 15._o be_v ready_a always_o to_o give_v a_o answer_n to_o every_o man_n that_o ask_v you_o a_o reason_n of_o the_o hope_n that_o be_v in_o you_o with_o meekness_n and_o fear_n and_o though_o i_o be_v very_o sensible_a of_o my_o own_o disability_n hereunto_o yet_o rather_o than_o to_o deprive_v myself_o of_o such_o a_o benefit_n i_o be_v enable_v in_o some_o measure_n to_o submit_v yet_o not_o without_o many_o fear_n and_o that_o strong_a one_o too_o that_o i_o shall_v not_o be_v accept_v of_o the_o lord_n now_o enable_v i_o to_o take_v up_o these_o thought_n that_o i_o will_v through_o his_o assistance_n do_v my_o duty_n and_o offer_v myself_o and_o if_o the_o lord_n shall_v so_o order_v the_o spirit_n of_o his_o people_n to_o deny_v i_o i_o do_v desire_v to_o see_v his_o mind_n and_o to_o expect_v strength_n from_o he_o to_o submit_v to_o his_o will_n manite_v through_o it_o acknowledge_v it_o no_o more_o nor_o so_o much_o as_o i_o have_v deserve_v consider_v with_o all_o that_o my_o desire_n be_v chief_o and_o in_o the_o first_o place_n to_o approve_v myself_o to_o the_o lord_n and_o if_o he_o see_v it_o good_a to_o his_o people_n also_o but_o if_o otherwise_o my_o desire_n be_v though_o i_o know_v not_o how_o i_o shall_v be_v enable_v to_o do_v it_o yet_o however_o to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n and_o follow_v he_o still_o until_o he_o shall_v see_v good_a to_o make_v out_o a_o way_n for_o i_o then_o be_v there_o a_o day_n keep_v to_o seek_v the_o lord_n on_o the_o behalf_n of_o mrs._n arnal_a which_o by_o providence_n i_o hear_v of_o and_o have_v a_o desire_n to_o be_v at_o which_o according_o i_o do_v at_o which_o time_n my_o spirit_n be_v much_o stir_v up_o to_o crave_v the_o prayer_n of_o the_o people_n of_o god_n that_o
experience_n to_o be_v a_o god_n hear_v prayer_n for_o i_o find_v he_o now_o also_o as_o i_o hope_v i_o may_v to_o his_o glory_n speak_v come_v in_o very_o much_o as_o it_o be_v fit_v i_o for_o this_o mercy_n by_o give_v in_o out_o of_o his_o own_o free_a grace_n to_o his_o poor_a unworthy_a creature_n yet_o a_o more_o full_a and_o clear_a sight_n of_o his_o work_n upon_o my_o soul_n and_o so_o of_o my_o interest_n in_o he_o by_o mean_n whereof_o i_o may_v now_o the_o more_o comfortable_o offer_v up_o myself_o into_o the_o communion_n of_o his_o people_n without_o a_o sight_n of_o which_o i_o shall_v hardly_o i_o think_v have_v presume_v to_o have_v do_v which_o work_n of_o his_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o help_v on_o by_o several_a of_o his_o servant_n in_o mr._n knight_n absence_n as_o mr._n sidrach_n simpson_n and_o mr._n rogers_n who_o he_o be_v please_v to_o make_v instrumental_a for_o my_o soul_n advantage_n and_o comfort_n at_o this_o time_n which_o the_o lord_n thus_o carry_v on_o until_o it_o be_v towards_o the_o end_n of_o the_o seven_o month_n common_o call_v september_n in_o this_o year_n 1652._o at_o which_o time_n mr._n knight_n be_v return_v home_o and_o remove_n to_o fulham_n where_o the_o lord_n open_v a_o door_n for_o his_o people_n to_o join_v in_o communion_n together_o according_a to_o the_o gospel_n the_o lord_n now_o offer_v i_o this_o opportunity_n which_o i_o have_v so_o much_o long_v for_o and_o his_o servant_n mr._n knight_n to_o who_o i_o have_v former_o by_o a_o other_o friend_n intimate_v my_o desire_n he_o i_o say_v acquaint_v i_o with_o it_o i_o dare_v not_o rash_o deny_v to_o join_v with_o they_o but_o what_o fear_n and_o tremble_n there_o be_v upon_o my_o spirit_n at_o this_o time_n be_v know_v only_o to_o the_o lord_n for_o indeed_o i_o be_o not_o able_a to_o express_v it_o in_o which_o trouble_n my_o refuge_n as_o former_o be_v only_o to_o go_v to_o the_o lord_n beseech_v and_o earnest_o importune_v he_o now_o to_o appear_v and_o give_v in_o direction_n to_o his_o poor_a creature_n who_o be_v now_o in_o such_o a_o straight_a as_o that_o she_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v but_o so_o far_o as_o i_o know_v my_o own_o heart_n lean_v alone_o upon_o the_o lord_n and_o wait_v for_o his_o direction_n i_o go_v to_o the_o place_n appoint_v to_o meet_v in_o not_o know_v what_o i_o shall_v do_v in_o it_o take_v little_a or_o no_o rest_n all_o the_o night_n before_o but_o come_v there_o next_o morning_n and_o be_v still_o much_o oppress_v in_o spirit_n in_o the_o turn_n of_o a_o eye_n as_o it_o be_v i_o can_v not_o express_v how_o or_o which_o way_n my_o spirit_n be_v on_o a_o sudden_a wrought_v over_o to_o give_v my_o consent_n and_o so_o to_o join_v with_o they_o they_o be_v as_o they_o conceive_v well_o satisfy_v in_o the_o long_a knowledge_n they_o have_v have_v of_o each_o other_o and_o their_o frequent_a converse_v together_o some_o whereof_o be_v in_o order_n to_o this_o very_a work_n which_o have_v be_v much_o desire_v by_o those_o few_o person_n that_o then_o join_v and_o they_o so_o long_o interrupt_v and_o have_v put_v up_o many_o petition_n to_o the_o throne_n of_o grace_n concern_v it_o mr._n barker_n be_v then_o present_a and_o carry_v the_o intend_a work_n by_o prayer_n and_o counsel_n we_o join_v together_o in_o the_o fellowship_n of_o the_o gospel_n but_o this_o work_n be_v not_o perform_v in_o so_o solemn_a a_o manner_n as_o i_o for_o my_o part_n can_v have_v desire_v both_o in_o set_v more_o time_n a_o part_n to_o seek_v the_o lord_n together_o in_o it_o and_o to_o have_v endeavour_v to_o have_v give_v more_o full_a satisfaction_n to_o each_o other_o of_o the_o work_n of_o god_n in_o each_o other_o heart_n which_o lie_v as_o a_o burden_n upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o i_o often_o bewail_v before_o the_o lord_n and_o also_o move_v it_o to_o some_o of_o our_o friend_n that_o we_o may_v yet_o meet_v and_o set_v a_o part_n a_o day_n to_o this_o end_n which_o be_v not_o think_v meet_v at_o that_o time_n upon_o which_o i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n it_o may_v be_v no_o hindrance_n to_o his_o appearance_n among_o we_o for_o my_o spirit_n be_v oppress_v with_o fear_n of_o god_n not_o appear_v in_o the_o midst_n of_o we_o which_o fear_n be_v at_o the_o present_a heighten_v from_o the_o mighty_a rage_n of_o satan_n in_o the_o spirit_n of_o many_o yea_o of_o some_o good_a man_n at_o this_o our_o first_o entrance_n into_o communion_n lay_v many_o harsh_a censure_n upon_o we_o which_o still_o put_v i_o upon_o a_o more_o narrow_a search_n into_o my_o own_o heart_n thus_o see_v the_o rage_n of_o some_o against_o we_o to_o be_v very_o great_a and_o tremble_v in_o myself_o to_o think_v lest_o we_o by_o our_o miscarriage_n may_v give_v they_o some_o ground_n to_o speak_v evil_a of_o we_o it_o wrought_v a_o great_a sadness_n upon_o my_o spirit_n fear_v lest_o we_o may_v be_v a_o occasion_n of_o darken_n his_o glory_n to_o the_o world_n which_o cause_v i_o often_o to_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n to_o the_o lord_n beseech_v he_o that_o if_o he_o have_v any_o delight_n in_o we_o he_o will_v be_v please_v to_o afford_v we_o his_o presence_n but_o in_o the_o very_a depth_n of_o these_o fear_n do_v the_o lord_n by_o a_o mere_a providence_n as_o i_o be_v open_v mr._n burroughs_n book_n cast_v my_o eye_n unexpected_o upon_o the_o 13_o p._n of_o the_o right_a manner_n of_o draw_v nigh_o to_o god_n in_o worship_n where_o i_o find_v this_o note_n that_o the_o beginning_n of_o thing_n of_o high_a concernment_n do_v meet_v sometime_o with_o great_a difficulty_n and_o interruption_n which_o he_o give_v some_o instance_n of_o and_o so_o advise_v we_o not_o to_o be_v offend_v though_o we_o shall_v have_v some_o sad_a accident_n to_o fall_v out_o at_o the_o begin_n of_o great_a thing_n for_o say_v he_o notwithstanding_o this_o god_n may_v yet_o prosper_v it_o afterward_o the_o serious_a consideration_n whereof_o do_v at_o the_o present_a a_o little_a refresh_v my_o spirit_n and_o support_v it_o with_o a_o desire_n to_o wait_v to_o see_v what_o the_o lord_n will_v please_v to_o bring_v out_o of_o it_o thus_o have_v for_o about_o 3_o month_n space_n enjoy_v the_o ordinance_n and_o the_o society_n of_o his_o servant_n and_o thereupon_o begin_v to_o examine_v my_o own_o heart_n what_o fruit_n or_o benefit_n i_o have_v find_v by_o they_o it_o lay_v somewhat_o sad_o upon_o my_o spirit_n for_o be_v able_a to_o discern_v very_o little_a then_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v by_o a_o letter_n from_o mr._n rogers_n to_o hand_n out_o something_o which_o for_o the_o present_a do_v a_o little_a support_n and_o cheer_v my_o spirit_n therein_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o consideration_n of_o this_o truth_n that_o a_o christian_a growth_n be_v not_o at_o all_o time_n sensible_a neither_o do_v the_o lord_n see_v it_o meet_v they_o shall_v always_o grow_v in_o one_o kind_n but_o that_o they_o grow_v in_o all_o part_n as_o well_o in_o humility_n and_o self_n abasement_n and_o in_o the_o sight_n of_o our_o own_o weakness_n barrenness_n and_o unprofitableness_n etc._n etc._n which_o be_v as_o true_a a_o growth_n as_o that_o of_o faith_n though_o not_o always_o so_o visible_a yet_o some_o trouble_n still_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n want_v a_o full_a and_o clear_a sight_n of_o my_o interest_n in_o christ_n which_o as_o yet_o i_o have_v only_o some_o good_a hope_n of_o but_o no_o such_o settle_a assurance_n but_o that_o i_o be_v often_o totter_v backward_o and_o forward_o the_o lord_n have_v formal_o and_o continual_o through_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n dispense_v often_o by_o mr._n knight_n and_o very_o powerful_o to_o that_o end_n and_o sometime_o also_o by_o mr._n simpson_n by_o both_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v strong_o to_o convince_v i_o of_o the_o dishonour_n that_o i_o have_v bring_v he_o by_o my_o unbeleef_n which_o be_v now_o the_o great_a burden_n of_o my_o soul_n but_o find_v much_o weakness_n of_o faith_n in_o i_o and_o a_o inability_n to_o roll_n so_o full_o upon_o god_n and_o give_v glory_n to_o he_o by_o believe_v and_o take_v he_o upon_o his_o word_n etc._n etc._n often_o fear_v that_o sin_n and_o satan_n will_v yet_o prevail_v over_o i_o but_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v about_o the_o 10_o month_n 1652._o to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n exceed_o to_o beg_v of_o he_o a_o large_a measure_n of_o faith_n even_o that_o i_o may_v be_v enable_v to_o honour_v he_o as_o much_o by_o believe_v as_o ever_o i_o have_v dishonour_v he_o through_o unbeleef_n but_o this_o same_o month_n i_o have_v this_o wicked_a thought_n or_o temptation_n throw_v with_o mighty_a force_n
8._o jer._n 17._o 5._o and_o not_o the_o rock_n of_o age_n the_o next_o morning_n as_o i_o lie_v in_o my_o bed_n i_o have_v a_o secret_a persuasion_n dart_v into_o i_o that_o the_o lord_n be_v even_o now_o answer_v a_o great_a desire_n of_o my_o soul_n that_o i_o have_v often_o yea_o a_o long_a time_n desire_v that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o search_v and_o try_v my_o reins_o and_o my_o heart_n and_o to_o reveal_v it_o to_o my_o soul_n that_o i_o may_v see_v what_o be_v in_o the_o bottom_n of_o my_o heart_n even_o as_o he_o see_v it_o and_o that_o to_o that_o end_n he_o will_v please_v to_o turn_v the_o very_a inside_n of_o my_o heart_n outward_a and_o anatomize_v it_o before_o my_o eye_n and_o sure_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v a_o long_a time_n yea_o for_o many_o year_n empty_v i_o from_o vessel_n to_o vessel_n and_o turn_v i_o as_o it_o be_v upside_o down_o lay_v i_o under_o variety_n of_o condition_n and_o dispensation_n sometime_o under_o mercy_n sometime_o affliction_n sometime_o one_o affliction_n sometime_o a_o other_o sometime_o under_o scoff_v scorn_n injury_n wrong_n from_o near_a relation_n sometime_o sickness_n weakness_n pain_n bodily_a trial_n spiritual_a exercise_n under_o the_o power_n of_o corruption_n and_o temptation_n of_o all_o sort_n and_o in_o all_o condition_n and_o i_o hope_v his_o end_n be_v in_o and_o by_o all_o to_o purge_v away_o my_o dregs_o yea_o i_o hope_v he_o be_v now_o in_o this_o present_a affliction_n make_v a_o discovery_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n too_o show_v i_o how_o apt_a it_o be_v to_o depart_v from_o the_o live_a god_n and_o to_o seek_v fullness_n of_o contentment_n and_o satisfaction_n in_o poor_a empty_a thing_n which_o the_o lord_n grant_v i_o may_v so_o see_v as_o never_o more_o to_o pursue_v after_o they_o then_o do_v the_o lord_n the_o sixteenth_o of_o this_o 12._o month_n 1652._o be_v the_o four_o day_n of_o the_o week_n and_o our_o pastor_n turn_v to_o preach_v seasonable_o back_v this_o former_a conviction_n which_o lie_v upon_o my_o heart_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v that_o day_n both_o through_o he_o as_o also_o by_o his_o own_o spirit_n to_o speak_v many_o seasonable_a word_n to_o my_o soul_n show_v i_o that_o indeed_o the_o true_a reason_n why_o i_o have_v wander_v so_o long_o in_o a_o vast_a howl_a wilderness_n without_o the_o clear_a sight_n of_o his_o bless_a face_n which_o as_o he_o now_o show_v i_o be_v because_o i_o have_v not_o indeed_o give_v up_o myself_o to_o the_o guidance_n and_o lead_n of_o jesus_n christ_n but_o will_v be_v gad_v about_o to_o find_v my_o own_o way_n and_o path_n of_o my_o own_o jer._n 2._o 33_o 36._o and_o therefore_o it_o be_v just_a with_o god_n to_o deal_v with_o i_o as_o he_o do_v with_o israel_n of_o old_a and_o bring_v i_o back_o again_o cause_v i_o with_o sorrow_n to_o unravel_v all_o that_o i_o have_v do_v and_o acknowledge_v it_o to_o be_v my_o folly_n and_o madness_n to_o think_v to_o find_v the_o path_n of_o life_n and_o glory_n by_o any_o act_n of_o my_o own_o without_o a_o clear_a go_v out_o of_o myself_o and_o by_o faith_n lay_v hold_n upon_o the_o righteousness_n of_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n only_o yea_o as_o israel_n of_o old_a upon_o every_o new_a straight_o difficulty_n or_o danger_n still_o fall_v to_o murmur_v against_o the_o lord_n and_o against_o his_o servant_n even_o so_o be_v it_o with_o my_o wretched_a heart_n how_o ready_a be_v it_o upon_o every_o occasion_n or_o dispensation_n of_o god_n to_o i_o to_o repine_v murmur_n and_o cry_v out_o why_o be_v it_o thus_o with_o i_o sure_o if_o he_o have_v any_o love_n to_o i_o it_o will_v not_o etc._n etc._n yea_o as_o they_o do_v many_o of_o they_o in_o their_o heart_n return_v back_o again_o into_o egypt_n after_o god_n have_v most_o eminent_o appear_v to_o they_o and_o go_v before_o they_o and_o with_o they_o even_o thus_o i_o see_v it_o be_v with_o my_o wretched_a heart_n oh_o how_o ready_a be_v it_o still_o to_o return_v back_o to_o the_o creature_n for_o comfort_n etc._n etc._n yea_o with_o demas_n to_o return_v again_o to_o this_o present_a world_n too_o much_o and_o that_o after_o such_o appearance_n of_o god_n to_o i_o do_v not_o the_o lord_n ever_o and_o anon_o put_v i_o in_o mind_n and_o stir_v i_o and_o show_v i_o what_o be_v in_o my_o heart_n yea_o as_o israel_n in_o their_o murmur_a discontent_n cry_v out_o will_v god_n we_o have_v dye_v in_o egypt_n even_o so_o do_v my_o wretched_a heart_n see_v the_o difficulty_n and_o danger_n which_o i_o apprehend_v do_v attend_v the_o way_n to_o heaven_n and_o therefore_o fear_v i_o shall_v fall_v short_a and_o be_v overcome_v of_o satan_n one_o time_n or_o other_o and_o so_o bring_v to_o hell_n for_o my_o sin_n in_o a_o murmur_a repine_a way_n at_o the_o various_a administration_n of_o god_n to_o i_o often_o wish_v will_v god_n i_o have_v dye_v in_o the_o womb_n and_o as_o they_o for_o this_o murmur_a be_v cause_v to_o wander_v in_o the_o wilderness_n until_o their_o carcase_n be_v waste_v away_o and_o never_o suffer_v to_o possess_v that_o good_a land_n or_o see_v it_o many_o of_o they_o even_o so_o how_o just_o may_v the_o lord_n have_v deal_v thus_o with_o i_o and_o have_v cause_v i_o to_o wander_v in_o this_o vast_a desolate_a wilderness_n in_o myself_o until_o not_o only_o my_o body_n which_o in_o a_o great_a measure_n do_v but_o until_o my_o very_a soul_n shall_v pine_v away_o in_o i_o but_o that_o ever_o the_o lord_n shall_v give_v such_o a_o unworthy_a wretch_n any_o sight_n of_o that_o good_a land_n to_o see_v those_o bunch_n of_o grape_n etc._n etc._n that_o be_v there_o in_o abundance_n and_o to_o have_v any_o small_a taste_n of_o they_o oh_o the_o riches_n of_o that_o grace_n how_o unsearchable_a and_o unfadomeable_a be_v this_o love_a kindness_n and_o mercy_n these_o and_o many_o other_o sweet_a discovety_n of_o himself_o and_o of_o my_o own_o heart_n be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o give_v forth_o into_o my_o soul_n this_o day_n both_o by_o his_o word_n and_o spirit_n show_v i_o my_o madness_n and_o folly_n in_o not_o stay_v in_o all_o my_o way_n to_o see_v christ_n go_v before_o i_o and_o guide_v and_o lead_v i_o but_o run_v before_o he_o upon_o way_n of_o my_o own_o which_o the_o lord_n have_v just_o and_o righteous_o yea_o i_o hope_v in_o the_o great_a mercy_n blast_v to_o i_o which_o the_o lord_n grant_n may_v never_o more_o be_v see_v in_o or_o find_v do_v by_o i_o then_o upon_o the_o three_o day_n of_o the_o first_o month_n 1653._o be_v a_o day_n set_v apart_o by_o the_o parliament_n for_o a_o public_a fast_o throughout_o the_o commonwealth_n mr._n knight_n and_o mr._n smalwood_n with_o one_o more_o keep_v the_o day_n at_o fulham_n mr._n smalwood_n begin_v the_o day_n and_o show_v we_o that_o it_o be_v prophesy_v concern_v christ_n that_o he_o shall_v come_v as_o a_o warrior_n among_o the_o gentile_n and_o that_o the_o chief_a seat_n of_o this_o his_o spiritual_a war_n to_o let_v go_v that_o of_o his_o 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the_o soul_n that_o i_o have_v for_o many_o year_n make_v my_o daily_a suit_n that_o jesus_n christ_n will_v please_v to_o give_v i_o pardon_v and_o grace_n and_o wisdom_n and_o ability_n to_o serve_v he_o if_o he_o be_v a_o friend_n yea_o and_o trusty_a and_o thus_o faithful_a will_v he_o deny_v it_o i_o if_o i_o have_v a_o right_a to_o it_o therefore_o i_o rather_o fear_v i_o be_o none_o of_o he_o 1._o answ_n say_v not_o such_o a_o word_n say_v he_o for_o it_o may_v be_v thou_o have_v a_o great_a deal_n more_o than_o thou_o do_v take_v notice_n of_o if_o jesus_n christ_n have_v tender_v satisfaction_n to_o the_o father_n justice_n and_o the_o father_n have_v accept_v of_o it_o and_o if_o he_o have_v merit_v all_o grace_n for_o thou_o and_o have_v already_o purchase_v it_o for_o thou_o and_o will_v give_v it_o out_o when_o thou_o have_v most_o need_n thou_o be_v then_o more_o happy_a by_o have_v it_o in_o his_o hand_n then_o if_o it_o be_v in_o thy_o own_o keep_n even_o as_o if_o 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after_o tell_v he_o withal_o that_o as_o far_o as_o i_o know_v my_o own_o heart_n it_o be_v not_o after_o the_o world_n the_o profit_n pleasure_n or_o any_o thing_n in_o it_o beseech_v he_o to_o search_v and_o try_v i_o and_o if_o i_o be_v deceive_v in_o this_o to_o discover_v it_o to_o i_o and_o to_o be_v so_o far_o from_o satisfy_v any_o thirst_n of_o my_o soul_n after_o any_o thing_n beside_o himself_o as_o to_o blast_v it_o and_o to_o make_v i_o sensible_a of_o it_o and_o humble_a before_o he_o for_o it_o but_o tell_v he_o withal_o that_o he_o have_v promise_v that_o he_o that_o hunger_n and_o thirst_v after_o righteousness_n they_o shall_v be_v satisfy_v and_o fill_v and_o true_o if_o i_o know_v any_o thing_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n this_o be_v it_o my_o soul_n wait_v for_o and_o bray_v after_o to_o be_v make_v more_o like_o he_o more_o conformable_a to_o he_o to_o have_v the_o spirit_n of_o a_o child_n put_v upon_o i_o whereby_o i_o may_v be_v more_o like_a unto_o he_o and_o more_o dedicate_v and_o give_v up_o in_o all_o my_o way_n to_o he_o but_o that_o if_o it_o be_v not_o thus_o with_o i_o but_o that_o i_o be_v deceive_v in_o it_o i_o do_v then_o beg_v above_o all_o thing_n in_o the_o world_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v discover_v it_o unto_o i_o the_o 25_o of_o this_o four_o month_n my_o spirit_n wasdraw_v out_o to_o beg_v the_o lord_n appearance_n the_o next_o day_n and_o suit_v my_o heart_n to_o it_o which_o i_o find_v in_o a_o very_a dead_a &_o dull_a frame_n beseech_v the_o lord_n that_o his_o appearance_n may_v not_o answer_v that_o wretched_a frame_n my_o heart_n be_v then_o in_o but_o that_o my_o heart_n may_v be_v put_v in_o frame_n to_o meet_v with_o he_o as_o also_o that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o provide_v a_o portion_n for_o every_o poor_a soul_n that_o desire_v to_o see_v his_o face_n and_o to_o seek_v his_o presence_n that_o they_o may_v find_v some_o word_n suitable_a to_o their_o condition_n and_o how_o rich_o and_o abundant_o do_v the_o lord_n answer_v each_o of_o those_o desire_n both_o in_o behalf_n of_o my_o own_o soul_n and_o also_o on_o the_o behalf_n of_o other_o how_o glorious_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v and_o ride_v triumphant_o in_o the_o chariot_n of_o his_o word_n this_o day_n in_o the_o morning_n present_v very_o glorious_a useful_a truth_n seasonable_a to_o my_o poor_a soul_n which_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o practice_v and_o make_v use_n of_o enable_v i_o to_o improve_v the_o promise_n to_o this_o great_a work_n of_o clean_v from_o corruption_n yea_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v in_o a_o further_a way_n to_o answer_v my_o desire_n for_o other_o put_v in_o a_o very_a seasonable_a word_n of_o he_o to_o my_o cousin_n jefferson_n concern_v freewill_n who_o be_v much_o in_o my_o thought_n in_o my_o former_a request_n show_v how_o the_o promise_n be_v make_v in_o respect_n of_o our_o own_o weakness_n and_o nothingness_n for_o have_v the_o creature_n any_o power_n god_n need_v not_o promise_v to_o do_v all_o the_o lord_n have_v thus_o appear_v this_o morning_n there_o arise_v in_o my_o heart_n a_o question_n at_o noon_n whether_o i_o shall_v not_o public_o by_o mr._n knight_n offer_v up_o praise_n to_o the_o lord_n for_o this_o appearance_n of_o he_o but_o through_o many_o fear_n that_o arise_v upon_o my_o spirit_n lest_o it_o may_v be_v misconstrue_v as_o if_o i_o do_v desire_v to_o appear_v to_o be_v somebody_o with_o the_o like_a temptation_n be_v keep_v off_o yet_o notwithstanding_o some_o trouble_n to_o my_o spirit_n for_o i_o be_v great_o desirous_a to_o have_v bless_v the_o lord_n public_o for_o it_o yet_o how_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v in_o answer_n to_o this_o secret_a desire_n of_o i_o for_o mr._n knight_n himself_o upon_o his_o own_o account_n do_v large_o bless_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o appearance_n in_o the_o midst_n of_o the_o day_n and_o so_o throughout_o with_o which_o my_o heart_n do_v real_o close_a and_o so_o do_v our_o sister_n arnal_a as_o she_o say_v afterward_o as_o well_o as_o myself_o great_o rejoice_v that_o the_o lord_n draw_v out_o his_o heart_n in_o that_o wherein_o her_o heart_n and_o mind_n also_o do_v so_o abundant_o join_v our_o brethren_n have_v make_v some_o entrance_n into_o the_o private_a conference_n and_o somewhat_o of_o god_n appear_v from_o several_a of_o they_o my_o heart_n be_v much_o draw_v out_o to_o propound_v some_o question_n to_o they_o have_v two_o or_o three_o thing_n upon_o my_o spirit_n wherein_o i_o be_v much_o unsatisfied_a and_o have_v resolve_v upon_o the_o thing_n in_o general_n there_o arise_v a_o great_a dispute_n in_o my_o spirit_n which_o question_n to_o propound_v first_o for_o they_o all_o leave_v much_o weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o among_o other_o i_o have_v a_o very_a strong_a desire_n to_o propound_v this_o what_o mean_n may_v be_v best_o available_a for_o the_o subdue_a of_o pride_n and_o strong_a debate_n have_v i_o in_o my_o spirit_n before_o i_o can_v pass_v this_o over_o yet_o at_o the_o last_o my_o spirit_n be_v overcome_v to_o propound_v another_o which_o prove_v very_o suitable_a to_o many_o other_o spirit_n in_o which_o i_o see_v some_o hand_n of_o god_n yet_o do_v my_o heart_n earnest_o long_o after_o some_o resolution_n concern_v that_o of_o pride_n but_o how_o gloriou_o do_v the_o lord_n a_o while_n after_o the_o 26_o of_o this_o four_o month_n appear_v in_o answer_n to_o it_o show_v i_o that_o there_o be_v no_o way_n like_o to_o the_o take_n of_o the_o advantage_n of_o the_o ordinance_n which_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o do_v about_o the_o end_n of_o this_o four_o
may_v prove_v the_o real_a advantage_n of_o spiritual_a good_a to_o my_o soul_n yet_o fear_v whether_o it_o do_v indeed_o come_v from_o he_o or_o no_o cause_v some_o tremble_n upon_o my_o spirit_n how_o to_o act_v if_o it_o be_v a_o plot_n of_o he_o it_o be_v a_o fair_a one_o arise_v after_o this_o manner_n have_v often_o find_v great_a appearance_n of_o god_n as_o i_o hope_v i_o may_v say_v to_o his_o praise_n i_o have_v in_o other_o of_o his_o ordinance_n but_o find_v my_o heart_n oftentimes_o very_o much_o shut_v up_o as_o it_o be_v and_o give_v over_o to_o deadness_n dulness_n and_o heaviness_n of_o spirit_n which_o be_v no_o way_n suitable_a to_o a_o spiritual_a heart_n and_o soul-quickning_a ordinance_n and_o find_v this_o very_a much_o to_o prevail_v even_o at_o this_o present_a desire_v your_o prayer_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v direct_v i_o what_o to_o do_v by_o discover_v to_o my_o soul_n whether_o indeed_o it_o do_v arise_v from_o a_o subtlety_n of_o satan_n yea_o or_o no_o or_o whether_o it_o be_v a_o lively_a alarm_n from_o heaven_n to_o my_o soul_n thus_o tremble_v in_o myself_o whether_o my_o forbearance_n may_v not_o be_v find_v a_o yield_n to_o satan_n or_o whether_o on_o the_o other_o side_n i_o may_v not_o attempt_v and_o provoke_v the_o lord_n by_o rush_v unprepared_o upon_o his_o holy_a thing_n thus_o desire_v to_o give_v up_o myself_o into_o the_o hand_n of_o the_o lord_n wait_v for_o the_o breathe_n of_o his_o spirit_n through_o the_o help_n of_o your_o prayer_n i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n alone_o to_o guide_v and_o lead_v my_o soul_n in_o all_o its_o motion_n and_o action_n in_o this_o present_a world_n until_o he_o shall_v bring_v it_o to_o a_o full_a enjoyment_n of_o himself_o in_o the_o perfection_n of_o holiness_n which_o my_o soul_n wait_v and_o long_v for_o where_o i_o shall_v full_o enjoy_v what_o now_o my_o poor_a soul_n have_v but_o a_o transient_a taste_n of_o which_o the_o lord_n accomplish_v in_o his_o own_o time_n and_o make_v i_o willing_a to_o wait_v my_o appoint_a time_n until_o my_o change_n come_v that_o when_o ever_o my_o lord_n come_v i_o may_v be_v find_v watch_v the_o 10_o of_o this_o 8_o month_n oh_o my_o soul_n do_v not_o the_o lord_n give_v i_o a_o gracious_a answer_n and_o return_v to_o this_o desire_n and_o prayer_n foremention_v even_o while_o thou_o be_v pour_v out_o thy_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n wherein_o thou_o do_v lament_v the_o corruption_n of_o thy_o heart_n beg_v of_o the_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v subdue_v this_o wicked_a frame_n of_o spirit_n this_o deadness_n and_o dulness_n in_o his_o service_n and_o continue_v issue_v out_o of_o corruption_n plead_v and_o argue_v it_o out_o with_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o manner_n that_o though_o thou_o be_v unworthy_a altogether_o to_o beg_v any_o mercy_n from_o he_o or_o this_o mercy_n yet_o be_v there_o not_o other_o of_o his_o poor_a servant_n that_o be_v plead_v with_o he_o for_o my_o poor_a soul_n nay_o be_v not_o my_o lord_n jesus_n now_o at_o his_o right_a hand_n plead_v for_o i_o that_o i_o may_v not_o be_v pull_v out_o of_o his_o hand_n for_o how_o can_v the_o lord_n endure_v wickedness_n any_o lust_n or_o corruption_n to_o possess_v my_o heart_n and_o take_v the_o sceptre_n out_o of_o his_o hand_n and_o so_o to_o rule_v and_o reign_v over_o i_o nay_o can_v my_o soul_n bear_v it_o to_o be_v thus_o overpowred_n and_o to_o have_v my_o heart_n thus_o draw_v from_o christ_n and_o thus_o captivate_v by_o sin_n and_o satan_n when_o one_o word_n of_o his_o mouth_n can_v set_v my_o soul_n at_o liberty_n beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o search_v i_o and_o to_o try_v i_o for_o he_o know_v whether_o those_o desire_n and_o tear_n and_o groan_n come_v from_o my_o heart_n yea_o or_o no_o yea_o i_o know_v thou_o do_v search_v i_o and_o know_v my_o heart_n but_o lord_n discover_v also_o to_o i_o and_o if_o there_o be_v any_o hypocrisy_n in_o my_o spirit_n in_o this_o regard_n oh_o that_o thou_o will_v answer_v i_o so_o by_o fire_n to_o consume_v that_o dross_n and_o corruption_n in_o my_o soul_n yea_o whatsoever_o thyrighteous_a eyesee_v in_o i_o that_o be_v darken_v to_o thy_o glory_n and_o withal_o tell_v the_o lord_n how_o like_o a_o flood_n of_o mighty_a water_n this_o corruption_n come_v in_o upon_o i_o one_o wave_z following_z another_z that_o i_o have_v no_o power_n to_o withstand_v it_o though_o he_o have_v discover_v much_o of_o himself_o to_o my_o sonl_n and_o of_o the_o riches_n of_o his_o grace_n and_o emptiness_n of_o all_o other_o thing_n that_o yet_o my_o soul_n shall_v so_o run_v after_o vanity_n beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o give_v a_o real_a turn_n to_o all_o the_o affection_n of_o my_o soul_n and_o to_o fix_v they_o upon_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n where_o they_o shall_v be_v sure_a to_o be_v return_v this_o be_v in_o the_o morning_n of_o the_o 10._o day_n than_o do_v the_o lord_n further_o satisfy_v and_o quiet_v my_o heart_n in_o my_o evening_n sacrifice_n that_o same_o day_n his_o spirit_n breathe_v in_o my_o soul_n after_o this_o manner_n dear_a lord_n oh_o that_o thou_o will_v suppress_v this_o spirit_n of_o murmur_a under_o thy_o hand_n and_o if_o thou_o will_v have_v thy_o poor_a creature_n still_o to_o wrestle_v and_o strive_v under_o a_o body_n of_o death_n and_o corruption_n and_o temptation_n and_o snare_n and_o entanglement_n oh_o that_o thou_o will_v help_v i_o in_o this_o work_n that_o i_o may_v not_o yield_v under_o it_o but_o may_v hold_v out_o in_o a_o continual_a resistance_n and_o sigh_v and_o never_o give_v over_o or_o make_v any_o peace_n with_o sin_n and_o though_o thou_o do_v not_o see_v meet_a utter_o to_o root_v out_o sin_n yet_o oh_o lord_n give_v it_o its_o deadly_a blow_n let_v it_o be_v still_o die_v and_o wither_v and_o decay_v and_o work_v in_o my_o soul_n grow_v and_o increase_v even_o until_o thou_o have_v full_o perfect_v it_o about_o the_o ten_o of_o this_o eight_o month_n this_o experience_n be_v give_v in_o to_o my_o soul_n by_o the_o lord_n concern_v satan_n deal_n with_o my_o soul_n and_o some_o refreshment_n to_o support_v my_o spirit_n under_o it_o oh_o my_o soul_n have_v not_o satan_n deal_v with_o thou_o concern_v this_o great_a ordinance_n of_o the_o lord_n supper_n even_o as_o he_o have_v former_o do_v concern_v the_o great_a duty_n of_o prayer_n how_o often_o have_v he_o suggest_v to_o thou_o that_o it_o be_v to_o no_o end_n to_o pray_v to_o the_o lord_n reason_v thus_o with_o thou_o oftentimes_o do_v thou_o think_v there_o be_v any_o such_o god_n as_o thou_o pray_v to_o do_v he_o ever_o hear_v thou_o or_o give_v thou_o any_o token_n of_o answer_n why_o then_o do_v thou_o continual_o appeal_v to_o he_o and_o pour_v out_o thy_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o have_v he_o not_o do_v just_o thus_o about_o this_o ordinance_n of_o the_o lord_n supper_n thou_o wicked_a spirit_n how_o often_o have_v thou_o be_v prove_v a_o liar_n what_o eminent_a token_n have_v god_n give_v i_o of_o his_o hear_n prayer_n from_o time_n to_o time_n both_o concern_v myself_o and_o other_o and_o therein_o have_v prove_v thou_o a_o liar_n and_o why_o then_o oh_o my_o soul_n shall_v thou_o not_o believe_v that_o satan_n will_v also_o prove_v a_o liar_n in_o this_o be_v not_o the_o lord_n yesterday_o and_o to_o day_n and_o for_o ever_o be_v his_o arm_n shorten_v or_o his_o hand_n weaken_v that_o he_o can_v save_v and_o deliver_v and_o appear_v to_o thou_o in_o as_o glorious_a a_o manner_n as_o ever_o oh_o then_o wait_v for_o he_o and_o what_o if_o thou_o wait_v until_o thy_o dissolution_n it_o will_v be_v happiness_n more_o than_o thou_o do_v deserve_v to_o be_v find_v wait_v yet_o thou_o do_v not_o know_v how_o soon_o he_o may_v appear_v to_o thou_o about_o the_o middle_n of_o the_o eight_o month_n 1653_o o_o my_o soul_n what_o be_v thy_o continue_a fear_n be_v they_o not_o lest_o any_o thing_n shall_v withdraw_v or_o steal_v away_o thy_o heart_n from_o the_o lord_n do_v not_o thou_o daily_o beg_v of_o he_o rather_o to_o crucify_v all_o thy_o earthly_a desire_n what_o ever_o than_o any_o way_n to_o satisfy_v any_o of_o they_o a_o letter_n to_o mr._n knight_n the_o sixteenth_o of_o the_o eight_o month_n 1653._o in_o answer_n to_o the_o former_a desire_n to_o he_o the_o nine_o of_o the_o same_o month_n to_o bless_v the_o lord_n for_o the_o answer_n dear_a sir_n have_v former_o in_o the_o time_n of_o my_o sadness_n desire_v your_o remembrance_n before_o the_o lord_n who_o have_v appear_v in_o prayer_n both_o public_a and_o private_a as_o also_o many_o other_o way_n thereby_o stay_v my_o poor_a spirit_n to_o wait_v upon_o he_o
even_o for_o the_o full_a accomplishment_n of_o his_o own_o promise_n who_o have_v say_v sin_n shall_v not_o have_v dominion_n over_o he_o that_o be_v not_o under_o the_o law_n but_o under_o grace_n as_o also_o that_o he_o will_v tread_v down_o satan_n under_o his_o people_n foot_n short_o which_o my_o soul_n desire_v to_o wait_v upon_o he_o for_o and_o in_o the_o mean_a time_n desire_v to_o bless_v his_o name_n and_o that_o you_o will_v bless_v he_o together_o with_o i_o that_o he_o be_v please_v to_o open_v any_o fountain_n of_o love_n and_o mercy_n in_o this_o vale_n of_o tear_n so_o abundant_o fulfil_v to_o my_o poor_a soul_n that_o word_n of_o he_o which_o he_o be_v please_v no_o soon_o to_o set_v upon_o my_o heart_n with_o a_o persuasion_n in_o some_o measure_n that_o it_o shall_v be_v make_v good_a roll_v though_o weak_o upon_o he_o for_o it_o but_o that_o he_o be_v please_v so_o to_o do_v indeed_o that_o word_n i_o find_v isai_n 56._o 19_o when_o the_o enemy_n shall_v come_v in_o like_o a_o flood_n the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n shall_v set_v up_o a_o standard_n against_o they_o for_o which_o i_o desire_v to_o bless_v his_o name_n beseech_v he_o that_o those_o impression_n that_o he_o be_v please_v by_o his_o spirit_n through_o several_a word_n of_o he_o to_o make_v upon_o my_o heart_n may_v never_o be_v forget_v by_o i_o but_o that_o they_o may_v continual_o be_v as_o support_v to_o my_o poor_a weak_a faith_n that_o it_o may_v grow_v from_o strength_n to_o strength_n even_o till_o i_o shall_v meet_v my_o god_n bless_v for_o ever_o be_v that_o god_n that_o be_v please_v to_o know_v my_o poor_a soul_n in_o this_o hour_n of_o temptation_n and_o to_o take_v this_o poor_a lame_a soul_n and_o lead_v and_o carry_v it_o of_o be_v not_o able_a to_o go_v one_o step_n in_o any_o of_o his_o way_n without_o his_o hand_n but_o that_o it_o get_v one_o knock_n or_o bruise_v or_o other_o yea_o bless_v for_o ever_o be_v that_o god_n and_o saviour_n that_o will_v not_o suffer_v his_o poor_a creature_n to_o slip_v as_o he_o do_v other_o but_o be_v please_v in_o rich_a mercy_n to_o be_v ever_o awaken_n my_o poor_a drowsy_a spirit_n by_o one_o affliction_n or_o another_o the_o thought_n of_o which_o do_v much_o refresh_v my_o spirit_n and_o seem_v at_o present_a a_o special_a token_n of_o his_o love_n for_o which_o i_o desire_v to_o bless_v he_o and_o oh_o that_o i_o can_v praise_v the_o name_n of_o that_o god_n and_o father_n who_o be_v the_o father_n of_o all_o mercy_n and_o god_n of_o all_o consolation_n for_o true_o i_o must_v needs_o say_v i_o be_o persuade_v satan_n have_v not_o now_o be_v let_v loose_a to_o buffet_v i_o thus_o have_v i_o not_o be_v so_o sleepy_a and_o drowsy_a in_o spirit_n but_o bless_v be_v that_o rod_n that_o awake_v my_o poor_a soul_n from_o the_o sleep_n of_o any_o sin_n so_o that_o the_o lord_n will_v but_o please_v to_o work_v it_o out_o which_o i_o desire_v to_o wait_v on_o god_n for_o i_o shall_v for_o some_o respect_n have_v forbear_v this_o duty_n of_o praise_n but_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v let_v in_o the_o clear_a sight_n of_o this_o mercy_n as_o also_o lest_o i_o shall_v prove_v ungrateful_a for_o so_o large_a manifestation_n of_o mercy_n though_o all_o i_o can_v do_v in_o it_o be_v a_o mere_a nothing_o the_o great_a be_v the_o goodness_n of_o god_n that_o bow_v down_o to_o accept_v such_o break_a praise_n which_o i_o have_v cause_n even_o to_o lament_v over_o have_v too_o little_a spiritual_a life_n in_o they_o when_o as_o in_o truth_n my_o whole_a soul_n and_o body_n shall_v be_v a_o holy_a and_o lively_a sacrifice_n to_o god_n which_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o do_v to_o that_o god_n whence_o all_o my_o enjoyment_n come_v in_o who_o i_o desire_v to_o rest_v your_o unworthy_a but_o in_o desire_n and_o hope_v real_a friend_n for_o my_o lord_n sake_n finis_fw-la the_o second_o book_n of_o manifold_a experiment_n of_o god_n deal_v with_o my_o soul_n in_o hear_v prayer_n and_o other_o gracious_a income_n of_o love_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o help_v i_o very_o much_o in_o this_o search_n by_o mr._n knight_n who_o speak_v from_o this_o scripture_n at_o fulham_n the_o nine_o of_o this_o nine_o month_n in_o the_o 12_o of_o luke_n 42_o 43._o from_o which_o he_o show_v we_o have_v the_o lord_n set_v out_o the_o blessedness_n of_o that_o servant_n that_o be_v faithful_a in_o the_o work_n that_o his_o lord_n intru_v he_o about_o and_o who_o his_o lord_n when_o he_o come_v find_v to_o be_v so_o do_v as_o he_o appoint_v now_o o_o my_o soul_n what_o comfortable_a hope_n can_v thou_o gather_v out_o from_o the_o serious_a examination_n of_o thy_o own_o heart_n upon_o this_o point_n that_o the_o lord_n have_v make_v thou_o faithful_a though_o thou_o be_v poor_a weak_a and_o unworthy_a every_o way_n to_o be_v the_o servant_n of_o such_o a_o lord_n what_o can_v thou_o say_v to_o this_o have_v the_o lord_n indeed_o make_v thou_o faithful_a ans_fw-fr 1._o i_o gather_v some_o hope_n of_o it_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v make_v i_o in_o some_o measure_n faithful_a from_o that_o sincerity_n that_o the_o lord_n have_v put_v into_o my_o heart_n to_o aim_v pure_o at_o his_o glory_n in_o all_o i_o do_v in_o this_o world_n the_o contrary_a to_o which_o cause_v much_o bitterness_n in_o my_o spirit_n yet_o through_o the_o prevalency_n of_o the_o unregenerate_a part_n in_o i_o i_o be_o many_o time_n bias_v and_o carry_v aside_o to_o aim_v at_o other_o thing_n in_o many_o of_o my_o way_n but_o the_o glory_n of_o my_o lord_n be_v my_o principal_a aim_n for_o if_o i_o know_v any_o thing_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n through_o mercy_n i_o do_v find_v it_o set_v to_o seek_v the_o honour_n of_o christ_n and_o to_o walk_v in_o way_n well_o please_v to_o he_o though_o i_o do_v too_o often_o sad_o wander_v from_o these_o intent_n and_o desire_n which_o be_v discover_v to_o be_v the_o real_a burden_n of_o my_o life_n 2._o in_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v to_o put_v into_o my_o soul_n i_o hope_v a_o real_a desire_n te_fw-la do_v his_o whole_a will_n and_o therein_o to_o appear_v faithful_a daily_o desire_v and_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o i_o may_v not_o at_o any_o time_n in_o any_o command_n of_o his_o be_v find_v consult_v with_o flesh_n and_o blood_n but_o that_o as_o soon_o as_o ever_o he_o discover_v his_o will_n in_o any_o thing_n whatever_o to_o i_o that_o he_o will_v also_o enable_v i_o to_o obey_v it_o ready_o find_v the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n i_o hope_v oftentimes_o breathe_v in_o my_o soul_n after_o this_o manner_n lord_n if_o thou_o will_v but_o discover_v thy_o mind_n &_o will_n to_o i_o in_o all_o my_o way_n that_o be_v it_o i_o beg_v of_o thou_o and_o though_o it_o be_v never_o so_o contrary_a to_o flesh_n and_o blood_n yea_o though_o i_o can_v see_v nothing_o but_o that_o it_o be_v lay_v out_o for_o to_o afflict_v i_o and_o to_o be_v a_o trial_n and_o exercise_v for_o i_o and_o so_o have_v nothing_o to_o induce_v i_o but_o thy_o will_n yet_o lord_n if_o thou_o will_v but_o discover_v thy_o mind_n in_o it_o to_o i_o what_o will_v i_o then_o beg_v of_o thou_o but_o only_o a_o ready_a frame_n to_o yield_v obedience_n to_o thy_o will_n and_o leave_v the_o success_n &_o sanctify_v of_o it_o to_o i_o to_o thyself_o and_o if_o on_o the_o other_o side_n i_o think_v any_o mercy_n to_o be_v never_o so_o good_a or_o for_o my_o advantage_n yet_o if_o thou_o see_v meet_v to_o discover_v to_o my_o soul_n that_o thy_o will_n be_v not_o in_o it_o will_v i_o not_o then_o if_o i_o know_v my_o own_o heart_n beg_v above_o all_o thing_n to_o have_v my_o will_n to_o be_v whole_o swallow_v up_o into_o thou_o lord_n and_o this_o hope_n be_v ground_v in_o some_o measure_n upon_o the_o abundant_a experience_n the_o lord_n have_v give_v i_o of_o his_o goodness_n and_o mercy_n and_o abundant_a kindness_n in_o his_o often_o deny_v i_o of_o my_o will_n 3_o i_o hope_v the_o lord_n have_v in_o some_o measure_n make_v i_o a_o faithful_a servant_n in_o that_o he_o have_v set_v my_o soul_n upon_o the_o watch_n to_o know_v his_o mind_n and_o will_n endeavour_v and_o desire_v to_o keep_v my_o eye_n upon_o he_o and_o he_o only_o that_o i_o may_v see_v what_o his_o mind_n and_o will_n be_v who_o have_v say_v that_o he_o will_v guide_v he_o by_o his_o eye_n which_o cause_v my_o soul_n though_o with_o much_o weakness_n not_o only_o earnest_o to_o desire_v but_o also_o to_o endeavour_v to_o reflect_v upon_o all_o my_o motion_n and_o action_n and_o thought_n and_o word_n in_o this_o
this_o hand_n of_o he_o in_o a_o lively_a manner_n quicken_v up_o my_o spirit_n and_o cause_v it_o to_o work_v up_o lively_a in_o his_o presence_n 2._o yea_o he_o do_v by_o it_o give_v i_o a_o clear_a sight_n of_o the_o working_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n of_o its_o desire_n at_o the_o last_o to_o be_v full_o resign_v unto_o he_o and_o be_v whole_o at_o hisdispose_v more_o than_o ever_o before_o yea_o i_o find_v my_o desire_n to_o be_v wrought_v up_o unto_o that_o pitch_n to_o seek_v his_o glory_n first_o in_o all_o thing_n 3._o yea_o the_o lord_n by_o this_o mean_n draw_v up_o and_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n to_o a_o longing_n earnest_a and_o vehement_a desire_n to_o be_v lead_v and_o guide_v by_o he_o in_o all_o his_o way_n tell_v he_o that_o i_o be_v such_o a_o poor_a foolish_a weak_a creature_n that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a to_o go_v one_o step_n in_o any_o of_o my_o way_n natural_a or_o spiritual_a without_o he_o and_o therefore_o see_v that_o he_o have_v promise_v to_o guide_v the_o simple_a and_o lead_v the_o weak_a that_o he_o will_v now_o in_o a_o eminent_a manner_n appear_v to_o be_v my_o guide_n in_o all_o my_o way_n even_o to_o the_o death_n and_o not_o at_o any_o time_n leave_v i_o to_o myself_o or_o the_o vanity_n and_o allurement_n of_o this_o world_n the_o temptation_n of_o satan_n or_o the_o wicked_a corruption_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n i_o be_v so_o ready_a to_o be_v draw_v aside_o by_o they_o and_o therefore_o beg_v again_o and_o again_o to_o be_v keep_v by_o his_o mighty_a power_n 4._o yea_o i_o have_v through_o this_o occasion_n a_o renew_a token_n from_o my_o god_n &_o father_n fill_v my_o heart_n wâ—th_v such_o joy_n and_o confident_a expectation_n of_o his_o appearance_n even_o before_o the_o duty_n wherein_o i_o seek_v it_o of_o he_o be_v end_v which_o make_v i_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o increase_v and_o keep_v up_o my_o faith_n and_o not_o suffer_v satan_n to_o cause_v a_o damp_n in_o it_o cause_v i_o any_o more_o to_o distrust_v his_o love_n who_o have_v so_o large_o manifest_v it_o from_o time_n to_o time_n to_o i_o 5._o yea_o do_v not_o the_o lord_n show_v i_o how_o righteous_a it_o be_v with_o he_o that_o i_o who_o have_v so_o often_o rash_o say_v that_o do_v not_o trouble_v my_o headwith_n these_o thing_n though_o i_o then_o see_v it_o not_o the_o lord_n show_v i_o that_o it_o be_v righteous_a with_o he_o that_o i_o shall_v now_o not_o only_o have_v my_o head_n trouble_v but_o my_o heart_n also_o so_o that_o all_o along_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o outwit_n satan_n so_o that_o what_o he_o think_v to_o have_v make_v a_o snare_n to_o entrap_v i_o in_o the_o lord_n make_v as_o great_a a_o advantage_n to_o my_o soul_n as_o ever_o any_o administration_n be_v the_o next_o lord_n day_n be_v the_o first_o of_o this_o 11_o month_n 1653._o be_v fill_v in_o the_o morning_n with_o very_o sad_a thought_n and_o apprehension_n of_o my_o own_o darkness_n and_o deadness_n and_o the_o like_a beseech_v the_o lord_n that_o it_o may_v be_v no_o bar_n or_o hindrance_n to_o his_o appearance_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n that_o day_n but_o that_o he_o will_v appear_v so_o much_o the_o more_o by_o how_o much_o the_o dark_a i_o be_v for_o by_o so_o much_o the_o more_o will_v the_o glory_n of_o his_o grace_n shine_v forth_o upon_o such_o a_o a_o dark_a creature_n o_o how_o glorious_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v this_o day_n in_o answer_n to_o these_o desire_n and_o that_o in_o a_o lively_a unexpected_a way_n in_o guide_a mr._n knight_n in_o his_o sermon_n which_o be_v now_o fix_v upon_o john_n 3._o 19_o to_o begin_v with_o it_o that_o day_n that_o suit_v i_o for_o i_o do_v only_o expect_v as_o himself_o have_v former_o intend_v that_o he_o shall_v only_o hold_v forth_o the_o sadness_n of_o their_o condition_n who_o love_n darkness_n more_o than_o light_n but_o when_o he_o come_v to_o meditate_v about_o it_o he_o can_v not_o as_o he_o tell_v i_o afterward_o get_v over_o the_o first_o word_n of_o light_a come_n into_o the_o world_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o his_o heart_n that_o day_n to_o treat_v whole_o about_o jesus_n christ_n be_v send_v a_o light_n into_o the_o world_n to_o enlighten_v poor_a dark_a creature_n which_o come_v in_o so_o seasonable_o and_o suitable_o upon_o my_o poor_a heart_n that_o i_o can_v but_o much_o admire_v the_o grace_n of_o god_n in_o it_o the_o next_o day_n be_v the_o eight_o day_n of_o the_o eleven_o month_n and_o the_o lord_n day_n o_o how_o glorious_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o appear_v to_o my_o poor_a distress_a soul_n in_o answer_n to_o its_o desire_n and_o groan_n before_o he_o make_v use_n of_o our_o dear_a pastor_n as_o the_o instrument_n of_o his_o conveyance_n even_o throughout_o the_o whole_a service_n of_o the_o day_n the_o truth_n be_v i_o be_o not_o able_a to_o declare_v the_o goodness_n of_o the_o lord_n to_o my_o soul_n at_o this_o time_n o_o that_o i_o can_v admire_v it_o for_o i_o can_v express_v it_o what_o seasonable_a truth_n refreshment_n counsel_n and_o direction_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o hint_n out_o to_o i_o this_o day_n a_o copy_n of_o some_o desire_n which_o i_o spread_v before_o the_o lord_n which_o be_v offer_v up_o upon_o a_o day_n of_o humiliation_n there_o be_v one_o who_o desire_v a_o share_n in_o the_o petition_n that_o be_v this_o day_n pour_v out_o in_o the_o spirit_n to_o the_o lord_n beseech_v he_o that_o as_o he_o send_v his_o own_o son_n into_o the_o world_n to_o be_v a_o light_n to_o those_o who_o sit_v in_o darkness_n and_o to_o guide_v their_o foot_n in_o his_o way_n that_o he_o will_v be_v please_v to_o make_v he_o appear_v to_o be_v so_o to_o their_o soul_n by_o undertake_v to_o be_v their_o guide_n and_o leader_n in_o all_o their_o way_n and_o to_o that_o end_n that_o he_o will_v be_v please_v to_o reveal_v his_o will_n more_o full_o to_o they_o &_o go_v in_o all_o their_o way_n before_o they_o and_o enable_v they_o cheerful_o to_o follow_v he_o but_o at_o no_o time_n to_o go_v before_o without_o he_o or_o stay_v behind_o he_o this_o be_v in_o relation_n to_o myself_o and_o my_o present_a condition_n desire_v still_o to_o see_v the_o lord_n more_o clear_o go_v before_o i_o upon_o the_o read_n this_o bill_n in_o my_o behalf_n they_o seem_v all_o of_o they_o that_o read_v it_o to_o be_v exceed_o take_v with_o it_o read_v it_o over_o and_o over_o again_o and_o pause_v upon_o it_o find_v it_o to_o take_v much_o upon_o they_o upon_o which_o my_o wicked_a heart_n be_v too_o ready_a to_o swell_v how_o gracious_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o cast_v in_o such_o expression_n as_o these_o upon_o mr._n blake_n heart_n which_o after_o some_o time_n pause_v upon_o it_o he_o utter_v which_o do_v much_o abase_v my_o spirit_n it_o be_v a_o easy_a matter_n say_v he_o to_o speak_v and_o present_v fine_a word_n in_o paper_n and_o in_o prayer_n but_o if_o we_o shall_v now_o enter_v into_o a_o serious_a examination_n of_o our_o own_o heart_n what_o we_o have_v do_v towards_o the_o attainment_n of_o these_o thing_n which_o we_o thus_o desire_v that_o the_o lord_n may_v be_v petition_v for_o perhaps_o our_o heart_n may_v charge_v we_o of_o much_o hypocrisy_n and_o neglect_n therein_o in_o matter_n of_o bodily_a sickness_n and_o pain_n we_o do_v not_o only_o seek_v the_o lord_n but_o we_o observe_v all_o mean_n that_o we_o can_v for_o cure_n and_o try_v all_o physician_n and_o the_o like_a but_o have_v we_o do_v so_o for_o the_o attainment_n of_o these_o spiritual_a mercy_n or_o no_o we_o can_v be_v content_a perhaps_o if_o god_n will_v do_v it_o without_o we_o and_o our_o pain_n in_o the_o serious_a consideration_n whereof_o how_o sad_o do_v my_o guilty_a heart_n fly_v in_o my_o face_n though_o not_o in_o reference_n to_o this_o present_a desire_n i_o must_v confess_v yet_o in_o reference_n to_o many_o other_o desire_n that_o i_o have_v former_o spread_v before_o the_o lord_n for_o the_o subdue_a of_o pride_n and_o passion_n and_o other_o corruption_n which_o i_o will_v glad_o have_v subdue_v and_o yet_o in_o my_o course_n i_o give_v too_o much_o way_n to_o they_o and_o set_v not_o so_o strict_a a_o watch_n over_o my_o own_o heart_n as_o i_o onght_n &_o as_o i_o desire_v the_o lord_n to_o help_v i_o to_o do_v o_o my_o soul_n how_o gracious_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o appear_v this_o day_n be_v the_o second_o day_n of_o this_o twelsth_n month_n through_o mr._n knight_n ministry_n at_o westminster_n abbey_n as_o a_o god_n hear_v prayer_n yea_o answer_v thy_o desire_n as_o to_o those_o petition_n put_v up_o over_o night_n
how_o glorious_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o unveil_v the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n to_o thou_o as_o a_o physician_n to_o poor_a sick_a soul_n which_o discovery_n of_o he_o as_o it_o be_v very_o glorious_a so_o most_o suitable_a to_o the_o present_a estate_n of_o thy_o spirit_n be_v as_o i_o trust_v i_o may_v true_o say_v sick_a of_o its_o self_n of_o all_o its_o way_n and_o doubt_n and_o fail_n to_o all_o my_o relation_n &_o conversation_n and_o o_o how_o sweet_a and_o seasonable_a be_v it_o now_o to_o hear_v of_o such_o a_o physician_n as_o he_o be_v glorious_o hold_v out_o to_o be_v from_o that_o 9_o matth._n 12._o and_o for_o the_o other_o suit_n in_o cause_v my_o soul_n deep_o to_o fall_v in_o love_n with_o he_o and_o to_o be_v real_o take_v off_o from_o all_o thing_n else_o even_o for_o this_o i_o desire_v to_o wait_v until_o the_o same_o lord_n shall_v please_v to_o give_v in_o as_o gracious_a a_o answer_n which_o i_o trust_v he_o will_v also_o do_v in_o his_o due_a time_n and_o for_o those_o request_n put_v up_o this_o morning_n i_o can_v not_o but_o acknowledge_v that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o bow_v down_o and_o give_v i_o a_o sensible_a token_n of_o his_o glorious_a and_o gracious_a presence_n through_o which_o that_o present_a mercy_n in_o prayer_n every_o word_n come_v as_o it_o be_v from_o my_o very_a heart_n in_o both_o the_o prayer_n before_o and_o after_o sermon_n be_v the_o very_a groan_n and_o breathe_n of_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n and_o every_o word_n in_o the_o sermon_n almost_o be_v as_o it_o be_v speak_v from_o heaven_n to_o my_o heart_n so_o full_o and_o in_o those_o very_a thing_n that_o my_o heart_n be_v at_o that_o very_a time_n burden_a withal_o and_o i_o think_v to_o have_v vent_v to_o mr._n knight_n our_o dear_a pastor_n the_o day_n before_o which_o if_o the_o lord_n have_v not_o prevent_v i_o in_o i_o real_o fear_v that_o i_o shall_v not_o have_v have_v so_o clear_a and_o gracious_a a_o sight_n of_o god_n in_o this_o his_o appearance_n but_o shall_v have_v think_v sure_o he_o have_v speak_v those_o thing_n in_o relation_n to_o i_o but_o bless_v be_v that_o god_n that_o order_v thing_n so_o as_o to_o give_v his_o poor_a creature_n a_o more_o clear_a sight_n of_o the_o riches_n of_o his_o grace_n even_o as_o a_o prayer-hearing_a god_n and_o all_o this_o notwithstanding_o the_o rebellion_n of_o my_o spirit_n even_o under_o the_o hope_n of_o his_o appearance_n break_v out_o into_o that_o rash_a and_o sinful_a word_n be_v exceed_o weary_v go_v up_o and_o down_o westminster-hall_n and_o to_o whitehall_n and_o to_o and_o fro_o up_o and_o down_o then_o as_o i_o say_v do_v the_o passion_n of_o my_o wicked_a spirit_n cause_v i_o to_o break_v out_o into_o this_o foolish_a sinful_a expression_n say_v if_o i_o have_v know_v this_o i_o will_v not_o have_v come_v out_o this_o day_n when_o as_o perhaps_o the_o lord_n intent_n by_o it_o be_v to_o try_v i_o and_o make_v the_o folly_n of_o my_o heart_n appear_v to_o i_o and_o see_v how_o my_o faith_n can_v bear_v up_o against_o those_o discouragement_n and_o bodily_a trial_n for_o my_o body_n be_v much_o distemper_v and_o in_o this_o my_o walk_v up_o and_o down_o i_o have_v a_o pain_n take_v i_o under_o my_o side_n that_o strike_v through_o my_o breast_n to_o my_o heart_n that_o i_o look_v every_o moment_n when_o i_o shall_v fall_v down_o in_o the_o street_n as_o i_o go_v along_o and_o as_o i_o come_v back_o yet_o notwithstanding_o all_o this_o my_o rebellion_n and_o repent_v of_o my_o journey_n be_v the_o lord_n please_v not_o to_o do_v by_o i_o as_o righteous_o he_o may_v for_o he_o repent_v not_o of_o his_o intend_a kindness_n to_o i_o though_o i_o repent_v at_o my_o wait_v upon_o he_o for_o it_o and_o though_o i_o be_v full_a of_o change_n yet_o he_o change_v not_o but_o when_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o bring_v i_o back_o again_o to_o westminster_n and_o that_o in_o due_a time_n i_o be_v glad_a and_o begin_v to_o recover_v my_o spirit_n again_o o_o how_o be_v my_o heart_n fill_v as_o it_o be_v with_o this_o exceed_a appearance_n of_o the_o lord_n and_o in_o some_o measure_n enlarge_v that_o evening_n to_o bless_v his_o name_n who_o have_v so_o often_o appear_v and_o to_o all_o add_v the_o mercy_n of_o this_o day_n manifest_v self_n to_o be_v a_o god_n hear_v prayer_n but_o o_o that_o curse_a unbelief_n of_o my_o wicked_a heart_n that_o have_v have_v so_o much_o and_o so_o manifold_a appearance_n of_o god_n and_o of_o his_o goodness_n and_o shall_v yet_o trust_v he_o no_o more_o which_o also_o great_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o crucify_v my_o unbelief_n but_o i_o confess_v this_o be_v it_o that_o often_o give_v the_o turn_n and_o draw_v a_o cloud_n as_o it_o be_v before_o i_o even_o the_o mighty_a prevalence_n of_o corruption_n in_o my_o soul_n which_o make_v i_o often_o to_o cry_v out_o lord_n when_o shall_v i_o see_v this_o body_n of_o death_n and_o sin_n subdue_v and_o crucify_v and_o my_o soul_n full_o subject_v to_o thou_o this_o be_v the_o burden_n of_o my_o soul_n even_o then_o when_o the_o lord_n shine_v forth_o most_o clear_o upon_o my_o heart_n to_o think_v what_o a_o unsuitable_a frame_n of_o spirit_n be_v there_o in_o i_o to_o all_o those_o wonderful_a way_n of_o the_o lord_n towards_o i_o that_o by_o all_o the_o sight_n he_o give_v i_o of_o himself_o and_o his_o will_n i_o be_o no_o more_o change_v into_o his_o likeness_n the_o 15_o day_n of_o this_o twelve_o month_n at_o night_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v exceed_o to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o the_o root_n out_o of_o those_o corruption_n issue_v out_o of_o my_o heart_n to_o the_o creature_n and_o gather_v of_o it_o up_o into_o himself_o and_o order_v my_o affection_n and_o the_o like_a as_o also_o be_v great_o draw_v out_o to_o bless_v and_o praise_v he_o beseech_v he_o to_o enable_v i_o to_o it_o to_o bless_v he_o for_o his_o answer_n so_o often_o give_v i_o to_o the_o importunate_a desire_n and_o request_n of_o my_o soul_n when_o i_o have_v so_o often_o tempt_v he_o for_o it_o be_v not_o israel_n only_o that_o tempt_v he_o ten_o time_n but_o i_o have_v often_o tempt_v he_o so_o that_o he_o may_v have_v righteous_o give_v that_o i_o beg_v of_o he_o and_o a_o curse_n together_o with_o it_o but_o i_o do_v now_o great_o desire_v to_o bless_v he_o that_o hitherto_o he_o have_v deny_v i_o in_o it_o beseech_v he_o so_o to_o do_v still_o and_o subject_a my_o soul_n to_o he_o in_o all_o my_o way_n beg_v he_o earnest_o that_o he_o will_v once_o work_v my_o heart_n to_o such_o assurance_n that_o i_o may_v be_v careful_a in_o nothing_o and_o in_o nothing_o thoughtful_a for_o or_o studious_a about_o any_o thing_n here_o below_o and_o to_o give_v up_o myself_o whole_o to_o be_v at_o his_o dispose_n yea_o more_o than_o ever_o i_o have_v be_v to_o any_o bodily_a physician_n beseech_v he_o now_o that_o he_o will_v undertake_v to_o be_v my_o soul_n physician_n and_o to_o cure_v i_o of_o those_o soul-distemper_n in_o my_o affection_n and_o practice_n let_v the_o physic_n be_v what_o he_o will_v let_v it_o but_o be_v of_o his_o prescribe_v and_o to_o support_v my_o spirit_n under_o his_o hand_n and_o make_v it_o willing_a to_o submit_v to_o his_o will_n and_o then_o lord_n do_v with_o i_o what_o thou_o will_v and_o now_o father_n what_o be_v those_o request_n that_o thou_o will_v hear_v have_v thou_o not_o say_v what_o ever_o we_o ask_v in_o thy_o son_n name_n thou_o will_v hear_v why_o in_o thy_o son_n name_n i_o desire_v to_o come_v for_o i_o have_v nothing_o else_o to_o plead_v there_o be_v nothing_o in_o i_o but_o for_o thy_o son_n sake_n the_o son_n of_o thy_o bosom_n and_o love_n who_o die_v for_o poor_a sinner_n such_o as_o thy_o poor_a worm_n be_v for_o his_o sake_n and_o in_o his_o name_n i_o come_v unto_o thou_o and_o thou_o have_v say_v whatsoever_o we_o ask_v according_a to_o thy_o will_n thou_o will_v hear_v now_o lord_n be_v not_o this_o agreeable_a to_o thy_o will_n to_o be_v conform_v more_o to_o thou_o and_o have_v my_o will_n more_o subject_v to_o thou_o and_o my_o affection_n more_o place_v upon_o thou_o o_o then_o lord_n see_v thou_o say_v what_o we_o ask_v believe_v we_o shall_v have_v it_o lord_n increase_v my_o faith_n &_o help_v i_o to_o wait_v upon_o thou_o believe_o the_o eighteen_o of_o this_o twelve_o month_n have_v be_v these_o eight_o or_o nine_o day_n last_o pass_v somewhat_o distemper_v in_o body_n which_o distemper_n prevail_v more_o and_o
more_o upon_o i_o i_o think_v i_o shall_v hardly_o be_v able_a to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n in_o his_o administration_n the_o next_o day_n desire_v the_o lord_n to_o direct_v i_o what_o to_o do_v and_o submit_v my_o will_n to_o he_o yet_o very_o early_o that_o morning_n i_o have_v many_o reason_n in_o myself_o what_o to_o do_v be_v loath_a to_o distrust_v the_o power_n of_o god_n that_o i_o have_v so_o often_o find_v eminent_o hold_v out_o to_o i_o and_o yet_o unwilling_a to_o tempt_v the_o lord_n to_o appear_v to_o i_o in_o any_o extraordinary_a way_n desire_v much_o his_o direction_n at_o last_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o to_o resolve_v to_o go_v notwithstanding_o i_o be_v exceed_v ill_o of_o a_o extraordinary_a cold_a beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n and_o as_o he_o be_v please_v to_o give_v i_o that_o probability_n of_o the_o enjoyment_n of_o he_o once_o more_o that_o it_o may_v be_v a_o bless_a opportunity_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o that_o his_o mighty_a power_n and_o spirit_n may_v accompany_v every_o word_n and_o hint_n to_o my_o soul_n that_o it_o may_v be_v of_o spiritual_a advantage_n to_o i_o such_o as_o i_o may_v have_v cause_n to_o bless_v his_o name_n for_o and_o also_o to_o mould_v i_o into_o whatever_o truth_n he_o shall_v reveal_v to_o i_o that_o day_n and_o true_o i_o desire_v to_o acknowledge_v that_o the_o nineteenth_o day_n of_o this_o twelve_o month_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v very_o glorious_o to_o appear_v through_o his_o word_n administer_v by_o our_o dear_a pastor_n both_o in_o the_o exposition_n of_o the_o end_n of_o the_o 14._o of_o matt._n as_o also_o in_o both_o sermon_n this_o day_n at_o which_o time_n he_o begin_v to_o discourse_v upon_o the_o 45_o psalm_n but_o do_v only_o handle_v the_o title_n of_o it_o this_o day_n from_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o hint_n out_o very_o precious_a glorious_a useful_a yea_o seasonable_a instruction_n to_o my_o soul_n which_o i_o desire_v earnest_o to_o beg_v of_o god_n to_o cast_v and_o mould_v my_o heart_n into_o yea_o such_o truth_n as_o prove_v a_o answer_n to_o several_a desire_n of_o my_o soul_n many_o day_n before_o and_o to_o the_o groan_n of_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n even_o continual_o almost_o to_o wit_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o gather_v my_o heart_n out_o of_o all_o thing_n below_o jesus_n christ_n and_o give_v i_o to_o the_o end_n such_o a_o sight_n of_o my_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n as_o may_v indeed_o take_v my_o heart_n from_o all_o other_o thing_n now_o that_o at_o this_o time_n the_o lord_n shall_v thus_o seasonable_o cast_v his_o thought_n upon_o such_o a_o scripture_n as_o this_o it_o do_v cause_v my_o soul_n to_o admire_v the_o riches_n of_o his_o grace_n and_o condescension_n to_o such_o a_o worm_n yea_o whereas_o my_o spirit_n have_v of_o late_o be_v great_o trouble_v about_o my_o foolish_a conversation_n be_v not_o such_o as_o may_v any_o way_n adorn_v the_o gospel_n walk_v very_o unseemly_a in_o all_o my_o relation_n and_o very_o much_o offend_v therein_o with_o my_o tongue_n which_o have_v occasion_v many_o a_o sad_a thought_n upon_o my_o heart_n and_o many_o a_o sigh_n and_o groan_n yea_o tear_n before_o the_o lord_n to_o set_v a_o watch_n before_o my_o mouth_n and_o subdue_v this_o wicked_a iniquity_n in_o i_o and_o now_o do_v the_o lord_n this_o day_n lie_v open_a the_o spring_n the_o root_n the_o cause_n of_o it_o my_o eye_n be_v not_o as_o it_o ought_v upon_o my_o heart_n nor_o my_o heart_n as_o it_o ought_v to_o be_v upon_o jesus_n christ_n nor_o when_o it_o be_v upon_o he_o be_v it_o in_o a_o boil_a frame_n for_o as_o by_o he_o hint_v be_v the_o heart_n boil_v hot_a about_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n the_o tongue_n can_v not_o issue_v out_o such_o vanity_n as_o it_o do_v now_o dear_a lord_n let_v not_o these_o thing_n be_v spread_v before_o i_o in_o vain_a i_o beseech_v thou_o but_o do_v thou_o by_o the_o mighty_a power_n of_o thy_o spirit_n make_v they_o of_o singular_a use_n unto_o i_o the_o 11_o of_o this_o first_o month_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n very_o much_o among_o other_o thing_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o manifest_v himself_o in_o that_o relation_n of_o a_o husband_n to_o my_o soul_n more_o and_o more_o let_v i_o to_o find_v and_o feel_v what_o it_o be_v experimental_o to_o be_v embrace_v by_o he_o and_o gather_v up_o into_o more_o intimate_a communion_n with_o he_o and_o much_o more_o to_o this_o effect_n the_o next_o morning_n he_o cause_v my_o soul_n to_o breath_n out_o in_o this_o manner_n that_o though_o i_o be_v every_o way_n unfit_a for_o communion_n with_o he_o yet_o beseech_v he_o to_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n and_o a_o sight_n of_o himself_o will_v much_o rejoice_v my_o heart_n tell_v he_o that_o as_o he_o have_v often_o appear_v glorious_o in_o this_o kind_n so_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o let_v my_o soul_n find_v once_o again_o by_o experience_n his_o mighty_a power_n to_o break_v out_o through_o what_o ever_o instrument_n he_o shall_v please_v to_o make_v use_n of_o this_o day_n that_o i_o may_v through_o they_o have_v a_o glorious_a sight_n of_o himself_o in_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o bow_v down_o appear_v gracious_o through_o mr._n price_n who_o speak_v to_o we_o in_o his_o name_n the_o 12._o day_n of_o this_o first_o month._n upon_o the_o 26._o day_n of_o this_o first_o month_n 1654._o we_o go_v to_o james_n expect_v to_o have_v hear_v mr._n cradock_n but_o when_o we_o come_v there_o we_o hear_v there_o will_v be_v a_o stranger_n at_o which_o i_o be_v much_o trouble_v in_o my_o spirit_n and_o after_o some_o debate_n in_o myself_o i_o begin_v to_o repine_v but_o expect_v the_o lord_n may_v have_v some_o seasonable_a word_n for_o i_o and_o true_o bless_v be_v his_o name_n there_o be_v many_o seasonable_a thing_n hint_v to_o my_o soul_n by_o he_o which_o both_o refresh_v &_o stay_v my_o spirit_n the_o next_o day_n at_o night_n be_v the_o 27_o of_o this_o first_o month_n among_o other_o thing_n when_o i_o be_v seek_v of_o the_o lord_n he_o draw_v out_o my_o soul_n with_o some_o measure_n of_o sensibleness_n of_o his_o hand_n upon_o our_o pastor_n what_o a_o sad_a stroke_n it_o will_v be_v if_o the_o lord_n shall_v strip_v we_o of_o he_o take_v he_o from_o we_o oh_o what_o will_v become_v of_o god_n glory_n how_o will_v his_o and_o our_o enemy_n insult_v over_o we_o though_o it_o be_v true_a we_o have_v deserve_v it_o i_o be_o sure_a i_o have_v to_o be_v strip_v of_o this_o mercy_n and_o scatter_v from_o each_o other_o because_o we_o have_v be_v no_o more_o fruitful_a under_o all_o the_o mercy_n mean_n and_o appearance_n of_o god_n through_o he_o and_o i_o beg_v to_o sanctify_v his_o hand_n upon_o he_o both_z as_o to_o he_o and_o we_o &_o teach_v we_o all_o to_o improve_v it_o and_o know_v his_o mind_n in_o it_o desire_v the_o lord_n withal_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o hasten_v and_o accomplish_v his_o work_n through_o this_o dispensation_n and_o in_o his_o own_o time_n to_o command_v health_n and_o deliverance_n to_o we_o and_o give_v in_o this_o mercy_n as_o a_o pledge_n of_o his_o love_n among_o we_o that_o he_o may_v come_v again_o among_o we_o fill_v with_o the_o spirit_n and_o ready_a to_o break_v out_o those_o discovery_n of_o god_n upon_o his_o heart_n and_o that_o we_o also_o may_v be_v fit_v for_o this_o mercy_n and_o make_v more_o ready_a to_o receive_v impression_n from_o god_n through_o he_o then_o former_o and_o for_o my_o own_o soul_n after_o many_o request_n for_o the_o subdue_a of_o corruption_n and_o regulate_v my_o affection_n and_o take_v off_o my_o heart_n from_o all_o thing_n here_o below_o and_o place_v it_o upon_o the_o lord_n jesus_n after_o which_o and_o many_o other_o request_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n with_o desire_n that_o if_o the_o lord_n see_v it_o meet_v to_o add_v another_o night_n or_o another_o day_n to_o i_o that_o he_o will_v together_o with_o it_o give_v i_o a_o heart_n to_o serve_v he_o in_o it_o and_o that_o as_o he_o renew_v the_o light_n and_o raise_v from_o sleep_n so_o that_o he_o will_v inlve_v my_o heart_n in_o his_o way_n and_o quicken_v up_o my_o soul_n to_o a_o more_o lively_a service_n of_o he_o and_o if_o the_o lord_n see_v it_o meet_v to_o give_v i_o one_o opportunity_n more_o to_o hear_v his_o word_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o fit_v i_o for_o it_o and_o to_o come_v in_o through_o whatsoever_o instrument_n he_o shall_v please_v that_o my_o soul_n may_v have_v such_o a_o bless_a sight_n of_o he_o
that_o i_o may_v thereby_o be_v change_v more_o into_o his_o own_o image_n the_o 2._o day_n of_o the_o 2._o month_n be_v this_o morning_n in_o some_o measure_n make_v sensible_a of_o my_o own_o deadness_n and_o dulness_n to_o the_o thing_n of_o god_n and_o barrenness_n and_o unprofitableness_n under_o all_o the_o mean_n of_o grace_n i_o apprehend_v it_o very_o righteous_a with_o the_o lord_n to_o deal_v with_o i_o according_a to_o my_o desert_n and_o not_o to_o manifest_v any_o thing_n to_o my_o soul_n yet_o press_v he_o much_o though_o i_o deserve_v the_o contrary_a yet_o for_o his_o own_o name_n sake_n and_o for_o my_o lord_n jesus_n sake_n to_o be_v please_v to_o appear_v to_o my_o poor_a soul_n and_o let_v i_o have_v some_o sight_n of_o himself_o tell_v he_o that_o he_o have_v glorious_o appear_v former_o to_o my_o soul_n and_o he_o be_v the_o same_o still_o and_o o_o that_o he_o will_v now_o break_v through_o and_o give_v i_o a_o sweet_a kiss_n from_o himself_o and_o how_o glorious_o do_v the_o lord_n this_o day_n condesend_v and_o bow_v down_o to_o the_o desire_n of_o his_o poor_a unworthy_a worm_n through_o that_o servant_n of_o his_o mr._n bramble_n by_o who_o and_o through_o who_o many_o seasonable_a truth_n be_v hint_v to_o my_o spirit_n both_o in_o way_n of_o further_a revive_n of_o my_o deadness_n and_o dulness_n and_o in_o way_n of_o comfort_n and_o direction_n for_o which_o o_o that_o i_o can_v indeed_o bless_v and_o praise_v the_o name_n of_o this_o my_o glorious_a god_n the_o three_o day_n of_o the_o second_o month._n have_v extreme_a desire_n to_o go_v and_o hear_v mr._n cradock_n the_o next_o day_n i_o tell_v my_o mother_n over_o night_n persuade_v she_o to_o it_o she_o have_v very_o urgent_a occasion_n but_o at_o last_o prevail_v i_o find_v myself_o very_o much_o distemper_v next_o morning_n with_o a_o great_a cold_a which_o i_o have_v get_v notwithstanding_o which_o i_o get_v up_o but_o before_o i_o be_v quite_o dress_v i_o have_v such_o a_o stitch_n take_v i_o in_o my_o back_n in_o such_o a_o extreme_a manner_n that_o i_o know_v not_o how_o to_o lean_v any_o way_n it_o be_v in_o such_o a_o extreme_a manner_n which_o hold_v i_o for_o the_o space_n of_o two_o hour_n continual_o almost_o until_o it_o be_v full_a time_n to_o go_v in_o all_o which_o time_n i_o reason_v still_o with_o myself_o what_o i_o shall_v do_v fear_v i_o shall_v not_o hold_v out_o that_o journey_n nor_o be_v able_a when_o i_o be_v there_o to_o sit_v to_o hear_v because_o of_o it_o yet_o at_o last_o have_v have_v such_o experience_n of_o god_n former_o i_o do_v desire_v now_o to_o rol_v upon_o he_o &_o betake_v i_o to_o some_o short_a desire_n to_o he_o beseech_v he_o if_o he_o see_v it_o good_a to_o give_v i_o so_o much_o inward_a and_o outward_a strength_n as_o might_n at_o this_o time_n enable_v i_o to_o honour_n and_o glorify_v he_o earnest_o beg_v his_o appearance_n to_o my_o soul_n quicken_a and_o raise_v it_o conform_v it_o more_o to_o himself_o with_o many_o other_o desire_v relate_v to_o my_o spiritual_a condition_n and_o how_o seasonable_o do_v the_o lord_n come_v in_o this_o day_n through_o mr._n cradock_n ministry_n both_o convey_n of_o counsel_n caution_n and_o comfort_n the_o comfort_n be_v from_o rom._n 8._o 32._o and_o for_o the_o stitch_n and_o pain_n in_o my_o back_n i_o bless_v the_o lord_n it_o go_v so_o away_o that_o i_o feel_v it_o not_o all_o that_o while_o i_o be_v abroad_o but_o do_v as_o it_o be_v quite_o forget_v that_o it_o trouble_v i_o that_o day_n so_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v to_o my_o body_n also_o many_o bless_a sight_n the_o lord_n give_v i_o also_o this_o day_n through_o that_o servant_n of_o he_o mrs._n blackborn_n who_o i_o meet_v at_o james_n hear_v mr._n cradock_n who_o come_v home_o with_o we_o and_o relate_v much_o to_o i_o how_o it_o be_v with_o mr._n cradock_n how_o sad_a his_o temptation_n be_v which_o come_v most_o seasonable_o to_o my_o consideration_n to_o take_v i_o off_o from_o rash_a thought_n i_o be_v ready_a to_o take_v up_o but_o the_o day_n before_o concern_v other_o still_o many_o other_o seasonable_a thing_n she_o hint_v to_o i_o of_o the_o fear_n that_o often_o be_v upon_o her_o spirit_n touch_v self-end_n fear_v that_o she_o may_v desire_v beg_v for_o and_o seek_v after_o good_a thing_n and_o yet_o all_o but_o out_o of_o self-end_n complain_v of_o the_o strife_n she_o find_v oftentimes_o between_o her_o judgement_n and_o affection_n yet_o be_v draw_v out_o to_o bless_v god_n for_o deny_v of_o she_o that_o which_o at_o the_o very_a present_a her_o affection_n run_v out_o after_o all_o which_o jealousy_n and_o fear_n lie_v sad_o upon_o my_o own_o spirit_n hear_v she_o that_o be_v such_o a_o ancient_a christian_a complain_v also_o of_o the_o same_o be_v to_o i_o a_o little_a refreshment_n some_o scatter_a meditation_n the_o second_o month._n 1654._o consider_v the_o vanity_n of_o all_o creature_n compare_v with_o the_o lord_n what_o be_v there_o in_o the_o creature_n desirable_a the_o best_a of_o man_n which_o be_v the_o best_a of_o creature_n be_v nothing_o else_o then_o vanity_n they_o be_v but_o a_o shadow_n compare_v with_o the_o substance_n nay_o they_o be_v but_o dark_a shadow_n now_o what_o wise_a creature_n be_v take_v much_o with_o a_o shadow_n what_o be_v there_o in_o creature_n the_o best_a of_o creature_n man_n himself_n that_o be_v desirable_a as_o for_o beauty_n that_o be_v vanity_n of_o vanity_n the_o rare_a thing_n in_o this_o vanity_n shall_v no_o way_n take_v upon_o a_o gracious_a spirit_n that_o be_v raise_v up_o to_o high_a thing_n but_o to_o go_v to_o the_o utmost_a height_n the_o best_a thing_n and_o most_o desirable_a in_o the_o best_a of_o man_n be_v their_o resemblance_n of_o or_o likeness_n unto_o the_o lord_n yet_o in_o this_o they_o be_v but_o like_a unto_o picture_n yea_o dark_a one_o now_o who_o will_v be_v much_o take_v with_o the_o picture_n that_o may_v at_o the_o same_o time_n enjoy_v the_o thing_n that_o be_v picture_v yet_o some_o picture_n make_v by_o the_o hand_n of_o man_n may_v in_o appearance_n far_o excel_v in_o beauty_n and_o loveliness_n the_o thing_n picture_v and_o herein_o the_o best_a of_o creature_n be_v but_o dark_a dead_a low_a resemblance_n yea_o very_a poor_a one_o of_o the_o eternal_a god_n picture_n be_v often_o desire_v because_o of_o the_o fade_a uncertain_a enjoyment_n of_o the_o thing_n picture_v which_o often_o time_n fade_v before_o the_o picture_n but_o what_o creature_n come_v near_o to_o the_o representation_n of_o god_n the_o picture_n quick_o fade_v and_o die_v but_o the_o substance_n be_v eternal_a who_o then_o will_v desire_v or_o be_v overmuch_o take_v with_o such_o a_o picture_n that_o perhaps_o seem_v fair_a to_o day_n but_o fade_v to_o morrow_n which_o be_v the_o condition_n of_o all_o finite_a creature_n but_o that_o infinite_a god_n be_v a_o everlasting_a father_n the_o lord_n jesus_n a_o everliving_a interceder_n and_o the_o spirit_n of_o truth_n a_o abide_a comforter_n yea_o in_o every_o relation_n wherein_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o manifest_v himself_o he_o be_v that_o to_o he_o to_o all_o eternity_n yea_o as_o picture_n be_v poor_a dead_a useless_a thing_n in_o comparison_n of_o the_o person_n they_o resemble_v only_o a_o delight_v the_o eye_n such_o be_v the_o very_o best_a of_o creature_n compare_v with_o the_o lord_n can_v they_o speak_v if_o he_o be_v silent_a can_v they_o effect_v aught_o if_o he_o withdraw_v can_v they_o smile_v if_o he_o frown_v can_v they_o refresh_v if_o he_o rebuke_v can_v they_o heal_v if_o he_o wound_v can_v they_o raise_v up_o if_o he_o cast_v down_o there_o be_v neither_o any_o life_n or_o motion_n in_o they_o separate_v from_o he_o they_o have_v eye_n but_o see_v not_o ear_n but_o hear_v not_o hands_z but_o act_n not_o foot_n but_o walk_v not_o tongue_n but_o speak_v not_o to_o any_o spiritual_a advantage_n unless_o he_o that_o be_v the_o life_n of_o their_o life_n put_v life_n into_o all_o these_o and_o when_o he_o have_v do_v act_n in_o through_z by_o and_o with_o they_o the_o ten_o day_n of_o the_o second_o month._n the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v to_o hint_n out_o to_o i_o by_o mr._n bramble_n the_o 9th_o of_o the_o second_o month_n 1654._o that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v oftentimes_o in_o mercy_n to_o appoint_v some_o wearisome_a night_n and_o day_n to_o his_o people_n wherein_o they_o can_v not_o take_v any_o rest_n that_o so_o they_o may_v call_v their_o own_o heart_n to_o a_o account_n serious_o before_o the_o lord_n and_o the_o like_a which_o i_o ponder_v upon_o and_o think_v with_o myself_o how_o eminent_a the_o lord_n have_v appear_v to_o my_o
be_v the_o lord_n that_o bring_v we_o up_o out_o of_o the_o land_n of_o egypt_n that_o lead_v we_o through_o the_o wilderness_n through_o a_o land_n of_o desert_n and_o of_o pit_n through_o a_o land_n of_o drought_n &_o of_o the_o shadow_n of_o death_n through_o a_o land_n that_o no_o man_n pass_v through_o and_o where_o no_o man_n dwell_v &_o v._n 7_o bring_v you_o into_o a_o plentiful_a land_n to_o eat_v the_o fruit_n thereof_o and_o the_o goodness_n thereof_o but_o you_o enter_v you_o defile_v my_o land_n and_o make_v my_o heritage_n a_o abomination_n and_o be_v not_o this_o my_o condition_n how_o do_v the_o lord_n with_o a_o strong_a and_o mighty_a hand_n bring_v i_o out_o of_o the_o egyptian_a bondage_n that_o sad_a slavery_n that_o i_o be_v in_o under_o satan_n and_o those_o cruel_a taskmaster_n he_o set_v over_o i_o in_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o conscience_n my_o corruption_n and_o guilt_n which_o lay_v insupportable_a burden_n upon_o i_o both_o way_n command_v i_o to_o make_v brick_n lay_v the_o law_n before_o i_o but_o give_v i_o no_o strength_n to_o do_v it_o nay_o continual_o hinder_v and_o pull_v i_o back_o from_o it_o and_o yet_o scourge_v i_o for_o all_o the_o neglect_n of_o it_o yea_o through_o a_o wilderness_n through_o a_o land_n of_o desert_n do_v he_o carry_v i_o in_o which_o i_o think_v i_o see_v myself_o whole_o desert_v of_o god_n which_o be_v no_o small_a trouble_n to_o i_o through_o a_o land_n of_o pit_n yea_o pit_n on_o every_o hand_n into_o which_o i_o be_v ready_a still_o to_o fall_v through_o a_o land_n of_o drought_n wherein_o my_o soul_n be_v ready_a to_o faint_v in_o i_o for_o thirst_n after_o the_o lord_n yea_o through_o the_o shadow_n of_o death_n and_o oh_o how_o then_o have_v the_o lord_n bring_v i_o into_o the_o shadow_n of_o death_n time_n after_o time_n lay_v i_o on_o my_o sick_a bed_n and_o pale_a death_n still_o look_v i_o in_o the_o face_n with_o dreadful_a terror_n and_o amazement_n yea_o to_o the_o very_a pit_n brinck_v of_o hell_n in_o my_o own_o apprehension_n which_o be_v the_o worst_a of_o death_n yea_o through_o a_o land_n where_o no_o man_n pass_v or_o dwell_v have_v none_o to_o condole_v my_o misery_n none_o be_v acquaint_v with_o it_o or_o i_o but_o wander_v as_o it_o be_v by_o myself_o think_v and_o deem_v that_o no_o soul_n be_v in_o half_a so_o sad_a a_o condition_n as_o i_o be_v but_o on_o the_o contrary_a have_v not_o the_o lord_n since_o oh_o that_o i_o can_v but_o bless_v his_o name_n for_o it_o bring_v i_o into_o a_o plentiful_a country_n shine_v upon_o my_o soul_n give_v i_o some_o taste_n and_o glimpse_n i_o hope_v of_o the_o good_a land_n which_o while_o i_o be_v thus_o enter_v into_o i_o do_v sad_o wax_v careless_a and_o remiss_a after_o some_o time_n and_o too_o much_o take_v with_o the_o vanity_n of_o this_o world_n and_o let_v out_o my_o heart_n too_o much_o to_o the_o creature-comfort_n v._n 9_o wherefore_o say_v the_o lord_n i_o will_v plead_v with_o you_o and_o with_o your_o child_n child_n will_v i_o plead_v have_v any_o nation_n change_v their_o god_n which_o be_v no_o god_n but_o my_o people_n have_v change_v their_o glory_n for_o that_o which_o do_v not_o profit_n v._n 13._o they_o have_v commit_v two_o evil_n they_o have_v forsake_v i_o the_o fountain_n of_o live_a water_n and_o hew_v on_o it_o to_o themselves_o cistern_n break_a cistern_n that_o can_v hold_v no_o water_n oh_o may_v not_o the_o lord_n righteous_o complain_v thus_o of_o i_o have_v not_o i_o too_o much_o decline_v from_o he_o and_o run_v out_o after_o creature_n in_o my_o affection_n and_o desire_n and_o place_v too_o much_o happiness_n in_o other_o thing_n which_o have_v be_v make_v appear_v to_o be_v break_v cistern_n that_o can_v not_o hold_v any_o water_n v._n 14_o 15_o 16_o and_o now_o say_v the_o lord_n why_o be_v thou_o speil_v have_v the_o lion_n roar_v upon_o thou_o and_o be_v thy_o crown_n spoil_v v._n 17._o have_v thou_o not_o procure_v this_o to_o thyself_o in_o that_o thou_o have_v forsake_v the_o lord_n thy_o god_n whon_v he_o lead_v thou_o by_o the_o way_n oh_o may_v not_o the_o lord_n rghteous_o say_v thus_o to_o thou_o be_v the_o lion_n let_v loose_a upon_o thou_o do_v trouble_n and_o sorrow_n come_v in_o again_o upon_o thou_o and_o be_v satan_n let_v loose_a in_o any_o measure_n to_o torment_v thou_o may_v thou_o not_o thank_v thyself_o have_v thou_o not_o bring_v it_o on_o thou_o be_v it_o not_o righteous_a with_o the_o lord_n to_o do_v so_o by_o thou_o v._n 18._o what_o have_v thou_o to_o do_v in_o the_o way_n of_o egypt_n i.e._n to_o return_v from_o the_o lord_n to_o the_o creature_n to_o seek_v any_o good_a what_o ever_o what_o have_v thou_o to_o do_v to_o drink_v the_o water_n of_o shiloh_n or_o the_o water_n of_o the_o river_n or_o in_o the_o way_n of_o the_o aijyrians_n v._n 19_o thy_o own_o wickedness_n shall_v correct_v thou_o oh_o lord_n and_o have_v thou_o noâ—_n make_v it_o to_o do_v so_o and_o thy_o back_n sliding_n reprove_v thou_o know_v therefore_o and_o see_v that_o it_o be_v a_o evit_fw-la thing_n and_o bitter_a that_o thou_o have_v forsake_v the_o lord_n thy_o god_n and_o that_o his_o fear_n be_v not_o in_o thou_o v._n 20_o for_o of_o old_a time_n i_o have_v break_v thy_o yoke_n bless_a lord_n thou_o have_v and_o burst_v thy_o band_n and_o thou_o say_v will_v not_o transgress_v yea_o lord_n it_o be_v very_o true_a yet_o i_o have_v so_o do_v again_o v._n 23._o how_o can_v thou_o say_v i_o be_o not_o pollute_v see_v thy_o way_n in_o the_o valley_n know_v what_o thou_o have_v do_v thou_o be_v a_o swift_a dromidary_n traverse_v her_o way_n do_v but_o consider_v with_o thyself_o and_o thou_o shall_v see_v what_o thou_o take_v and_o how_o unwearied_a thy_o wicked_a heart_n be_v in_o its_o continual_a traverse_v that_o by_o be_v frequent_o carry_v out_o after_o other_o thing_n than_o i_o v._n 24._o a_o wild_a ass_n that_o be_v use_v to_o the_o wilderness_n that_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n at_o her_o pleasure_n in_o her_o occasion_n who_o can_v turn_v she_o away_o all_o they_o that_o seek_v she_o will_v weary_v themselves_o in_o her_o month_n they_o find_v she_o bless_a lord_n how_o clear_o do_v thou_o point_n as_o it_o be_v at_o my_o wicked_a heart_n which_o like_o a_o wild_a ass_n a_o rugged_a thing_n and_o wild_a also_o very_o untamed_a and_o unruly_a unwilling_a to_o endure_v to_o be_v hold_v in_o by_o any_o bridle_n or_o make_v any_o way_n ferviceable_a to_o thou_o but_o use_v to_o the_o wilderness_n frequent_o converse_v and_o run_v out_o after_o the_o thing_n of_o this_o wilder_a world_n yea_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n and_o be_v not_o this_o a_o righteous_a judgement_n from_o thou_o that_o what_o ever_o my_o heart_n run_v out_o after_o but_o thyself_o it_o shall_v be_v but_o as_o wind_v that_o for_o the_o present_a fill_v but_o satisfi_v not_o nourish_v not_o but_o in_o the_o end_n torment_v and_o cause_v pang_n &_o tear_v in_o the_o bowel_n oh_o this_o be_v the_o misery_n of_o my_o wretched_a heart_n that_o it_o can_v take_v and_o fall_v in_o with_o the_o world_n but_o hardly_o take_v off_o who_o can_v turn_v she_o away_o oh_o lord_n how_o hard_o be_v it_o to_o give_v a_o turn_n to_o this_o wretched_a heart_n run_v out_o after_o any_o vanity_n here_o below_o who_o can_v turn_v it_o thy_o messenger_n may_v come_v and_o come_v with_o thy_o word_n in_o their_o mouth_n and_o cry_v stop_v and_o stand_v and_o make_v a_o parley_n but_o they_o be_v not_o able_a to_o give_v a_o real_a turn_n yea_o thou_o be_v please_v often_o time_n to_o come_v in_o with_o many_o a_o sweet_a motion_n by_o thy_o spirit_n and_o yet_o this_o give_v not_o a_o effectual_a turn_n neither_o yea_o thou_o come_v in_o often_o time_n &_o many_o way_n sometime_o by_o mercy_n sometime_o by_o affliction_n and_o yet_o these_o neither_o can_v sound_v a_o retreat_n oh_o that_o thou_o who_o only_a can_v do_v it_o will_v once_o please_v to_o give_v such_o a_o real_a turn_n to_o my_o heart_n in_o the_o pursuit_n after_o any_o thing_n but_o thyself_o that_o it_o may_v never_o be_v so_o any_o more_o v._n 31._o have_v i_o be_v a_o wilderness_n to_o israel_n oh_o lord_n thou_o have_v not_o be_v so_o to_o my_o soul_n v._n 32._o can_v a_o maid_n forget_v her_o ornament_n and_o yet_o my_o people_n have_v forget_v i_o oh_o lord_n must_v not_o i_o cry_v guilty_a before_o thou_o here_o for_o do_v i_o remember_v that_o i_o shall_v not_o so_o often_o sin_n against_o thou_o v._n 33._o why_o trim_a thou_o thy_o way_n to_o seek_v lovet_v v._n 36._o why_o gadde_v thou_o
press_v very_o much_o upon_o i_o this_o day_n which_o bless_a counsel_n my_o desire_n and_o prayer_n be_v that_o the_o lord_n will_v frame_v and_o mould_v i_o into_o gather_v up_o my_o soul_n more_o into_o jesus_n christ_n and_o out_o of_o all_o other_o thing_n whatsoever_o the_o 24._o of_o this_o 7_o month_n be_v the_o lord_n day_n i_o be_v in_o expectation_n to_o have_v hear_v mr._n knight_n but_o when_o i_o come_v to_o fulham_n there_o be_v a_o stranger_n and_o when_o i_o hear_v he_o to_o pray_v so_o strange_o i_o be_v strike_v with_o a_o exceed_a damp_n wish_v myself_o somewhere_o else_o yet_o desire_v to_o still_o my_o spirit_n and_o to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n who_o be_v able_a to_o hint_n out_o somewhat_o that_o may_v be_v of_o advantage_n to_o i_o he_o speak_v from_o joh_n 5._o 25._o in_o which_o he_o show_v we_o that_o man_n may_v be_v alive_a natural_o and_o yet_o dead_a spiritual_o and_o so_o press_v we_o to_o the_o trial_n of_o our_o estate_n which_o i_o think_v may_v be_v a_o call_n from_o god_n to_o check_v i_o for_o my_o neglect_n in_o this_o work_n and_o to_o put_v i_o upon_o that_o duty_n he_o tell_v we_o that_o god_n be_v the_o life_n of_o the_o soul_n as_o the_o soul_n be_v the_o life_n of_o the_o body_n and_o when_o god_n be_v depart_v from_o the_o soul_n it_o be_v dead_a and_o that_o which_o make_v god_n depart_v be_v sin_n prove_v from_o isa_n 59_o 2._o in_o which_o scripture_n i_o think_v the_o lord_n do_v secret_o hint_n to_o my_o soul_n that_o my_o sin_n be_v the_o cause_n of_o all_o the_o withdrawing_n of_o the_o light_n of_o his_o face_n and_o manifestation_n of_o his_o gracious_a presence_n from_o i_o and_o of_o his_o seem_n not_o to_o hear_v the_o desire_n and_o prayer_n offer_v up_o to_o he_o which_o discovery_n i_o look_v upon_o as_o a_o answer_n of_o my_o desire_n and_o prayer_n that_o day_n and_o as_o a_o appearance_n of_o he_o through_o his_o instruction_n this_o day_n the_o 25._o of_o this_o 7._o month_n the_o lord_n in_o the_o morning_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o be_v present_a that_o day_n be_v to_o go_v to_o my_o aunt_n dogget_n to_o guide_v and_o direct_v i_o in_o all_o my_o word_n and_o action_n be_v some_o what_o distract_v and_o disturb_v in_o my_o own_o thought_n and_o mind_n and_o not_o so_o content_o submit_v to_o all_o the_o providence_n of_o god_n as_o i_o ought_v to_o do_v and_o after_o some_o discourse_n and_o hot_a dispute_n at_o dinner_n between_o mr._n aldgate_n and_o myself_o at_o which_o time_n i_o deal_v plain_o with_o he_o according_a to_o my_o poor_a measure_n after_o which_o mrs._n aldgate_n very_o unexpected_o from_o i_o and_o unusual_o from_o she_o be_v very_o earnest_a to_o have_v i_o go_v and_o read_v in_o a_o little_a book_n of_o she_o concern_v content_a marvel_v in_o my_o mind_n at_o this_o strange_a and_o unusual_a thing_n in_o she_o look_v upon_o it_o as_o some_o providence_n happy_o to_o i_o who_o have_v see_v the_o book_n before_o but_o look_v upon_o it_o in_o a_o slight_a cursory_a way_n and_o not_o with_o any_o valuation_n of_o it_o yet_o now_o i_o think_v that_o happy_o the_o lord_n may_v have_v some_o thing_n to_o speak_v to_o i_o out_o of_o it_o and_o so_o i_o take_v the_o book_n and_o go_v to_o read_v therein_o for_o a_o hour_n or_o more_o and_o true_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o lead_v i_o to_o most_o sensible_a and_o seasonable_a thing_n to_o the_o frame_n of_o my_o wretched_a spirit_n by_o which_o it_o convince_v i_o that_o i_o do_v not_o content_o submit_v to_o his_o will_n in_o all_o condition_n for_o if_o i_o do_v then_o there_o will_v be_v a_o silence_n in_o my_o spirit_n yea_o a_o joyful_a frame_n of_o spirit_n yea_o a_o continue_v give_v thanks_o to_o he_o and_o many_o such_o like_a thing_n by_o way_n of_o discovery_n together_o with_o many_o sensible_a direction_n and_o instruction_n which_o i_o desire_v to_o acknowledge_v as_o a_o mercy_n bege_v that_o the_o lord_n will_v make_v these_o hint_n effectual_a to_o my_o soul_n the_o 27._o of_o the_o 7._o month_n expect_v that_o our_o brother_n â—ental_a be_v to_o preach_v that_o day_n i_o have_v some_o discouragement_n whether_o to_o go_v or_o no_o but_o at_o last_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o give_v a_o turn_n to_o my_o spirit_n and_o upon_o one_o account_n or_o a_o other_o i_o at_o last_o resolve_v to_o go_v and_o see_v what_o the_o lord_n will_v do_v for_o i_o there_o desire_v to_o wait_v upon_o he_o and_o withal_o tell_v he_o in_o the_o morning_n that_o he_o have_v gracious_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n and_o give_v i_o eminent_a token_n of_o his_o appearance_n through_o weak_a instrument_n beseech_v he_o to_o add_v one_o mercy_n more_o this_o day_n and_o give_v my_o soul_n a_o real_a visit_n from_o heaven_n through_o whatever_o instrument_n he_o shall_v please_v to_o use_v but_o oh_o my_o soul_n how_o gracious_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o bow_v down_o and_o condescend_v to_o answer_n those_o poor_a scatter_a desire_n and_o vouchsafe_v my_o soul_n a_o most_o fit_a and_o seasonable_a word_n this_o day_n by_o that_o our_o brother_n who_o speak_v from_o matth._n 6._o take_v no_o thought_n what_o you_o shall_v eat_v or_o drink_v or_o wherewith_o you_o shall_v be_v clothe_v whence_o he_o show_v the_o lord_n jesus_n do_v great_o forbid_v all_o cark_n care_n or_o solicitude_n of_o spirit_n about_o present_a enjoyment_n or_o future_a event_n together_o with_o many_o other_o seasonable_a instruction_n reprehension_n and_o direction_n to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n and_o rest_n on_o he_o and_o cast_v all_o our_o burden_n on_o he_o and_o the_o like_a most_o seasonable_a thing_n to_o my_o wretched_a spirit_n the_o 28._o of_o this_o 7._o month_n be_v thursday_n and_o mr._n knight_n day_n to_o preach_v at_o the_o abbey_n i_o have_v strong_a desire_n to_o hear_v he_o and_o yet_o somewhat_o discourage_v from_o some_o passage_n of_o providence_n fear_v whether_o or_o no_o i_o go_v out_o of_o desire_n only_o to_o hear_v which_o lie_v somewhat_o heavy_a upon_o i_o and_o great_o oppress_v my_o spirit_n cause_v it_o to_o breath_n out_o to_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o manner_n that_o if_o he_o do_v see_v my_o heart_n not_o to_o be_v set_v aright_o to_o seek_v he_o and_o he_o only_o in_o this_o undertake_n that_o he_o will_v please_v some_o way_n or_o other_o to_o hinder_v i_o or_o cause_v some_o special_a providence_n or_o other_o to_o instruct_v i_o and_o keep_v i_o from_o rush_v on_o this_o undertake_n on_o any_o self-end_n or_o design_n whatever_o beseech_v he_o to_o guide_v i_o lead_v and_o instruct_v i_o this_o day_n and_o vouchsafe_v his_o glorious_a presence_n with_o my_o soul_n and_o the_o pour_v out_o of_o his_o spirit_n upon_o his_o servant_n that_o be_v to_o speak_v to_o we_o and_o true_o i_o desire_v to_o acknowledge_v to_o the_o praise_n of_o god_n that_o he_o be_v please_v much_o to_o deaden_v my_o heart_n to_o the_o creature_n before_o i_o go_v out_o and_o to_o put_v it_o into_o a_o frame_n desirous_a to_o wait_v for_o any_o discovery_n from_o he_o when_o he_o please_v expect_v all_o the_o way_n as_o we_o go_v whether_o the_o lord_n will_v please_v to_o suffer_v we_o to_o go_v through_o yea_o or_o nay_o desire_v not_o to_o murmur_v at_o he_o in_o it_o but_o to_o submit_v quiet_o to_o his_o will_n in_o what_o manner_n soever_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o reveal_v it_o but_o be_v not_o by_o any_o providence_n prevent_v in_o the_o way_n we_o go_v where_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o draw_v out_o master_n knight_n heart_n in_o prayer_n in_o such_o suitable_a thing_n as_o if_o the_o lord_n from_o heaven_n shall_v say_v i_o know_v thy_o want_n and_o weakness_n and_o will_v supply_v they_o providence_n cast_v he_o upon_o the_o same_o thought_n speak_v in_o the_o five_o chapter_n of_o john_n and_o the_o five_o and_o twenty_o verse_n the_o lord_n again_o by_o it_o check_v i_o for_o my_o neglect_n of_o examination_n of_o my_o spiritual_a life_n the_o end_n of_o the_o second_o book_n the_o three_o book_n of_o experience_n which_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v my_o soul_n of_o the_o gracious_a answer_n and_o return_n of_o prayer_n etc._n etc._n these_o record_n i_o desire_v to_o leave_v of_o god_n appearance_n to_o my_o soul_n from_o time_n to_o time_n which_o i_o trust_v if_o my_o wicked_a heart_n deceive_v i_o not_o be_v do_v upon_o this_o account_n that_o wherein_o i_o have_v fail_v in_o my_o life-time_n in_o declare_v how_o good_a the_o lord_n have_v be_v to_o such_o a_o wretch_n as_o i_o be_o i_o may_v yet_o leave_v a_o good_a report_n