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A64802 A wise virgins lamp burning; or Gods sweet incomes of love to a gracious soul waiting for him Being the experiences of Mrs. Anne Venn, (daughter to Col. John Venn, & member of the Church of Christ at Fulham:) written by her own hand, and found in her closet after her death. Wherein is declared her exceeding frequent addresses to the throne of grace, and how speedily answered. Written for the comfort of such as mourn in Sion, and quickning of saints by her blessed example. Venn, Anne. 1658 (1658) Wing V190; ESTC R219225 131,041 301

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the Lord would be pleased to pardon all the unbeleeving workings of my corrupt heart and those hard thoughts I had had of God and that he would please to give in such clear visions of himself as might mightily increase my faith which desires of mine were spread before the Lord that day But having received at this time some little refreshings from those instructions the Lord was pleased then to communicate by Mr. Knight from Heb. 12. 5-13 From which Scripture I was also convinced that in most of the chastisements the Lord had seen meet to lay me under I had either despised his chastisements or else fainted under them the Lord I say having this day broke in thus upon my heart by his spirit through his word the Divell soon begins again with me taking this opportunity I having set my self and endeavoured to lay my heart to the word and see what comfortable grounds I could take up that the Lord had indeed afflicted me in mercy c. The Divell now begins to indeavour to puffe up my spirit with a conceipt that I was able to speak more in this kind than many others who were at that time also by him presented but through mercy this did not passe many days before the Lord sadly shewed me my folly and weakness herein for a little while after there was an other day kept to which meeting I went and truely after I came there the Lord set home these wicked thoughts together with severall other things which wrought so upon my spirit that my heart was even overwhelmed within me in so much that I could not keep it to my self but was constrained to discover it by my carriage which Mr. Knight taking notice of spake to me after the exercise at which time I was so farre from that ability that Sathan possessed me with thoughts of that I was not able in any measure to speak my heart to him but was as it were one whom the Lord had given up to a dumb spirit and thought those three words which was all that I could then speak were through a meer mistake sadly mis-construed by him yet had I not power to speak one word to clear my meaning supposing it might possibly be that the Lord had something to speak to me even through that mistake there was also this day a word set home very much on my heart from something Mr. Milborn noted to us which also added much to my sadness and it was this that I had prayed and prayed again and again but when I had done I never looked after the returns of them having never yet any experience made out to me that I durst acknowledge this or that to be a return of my prayer nay though the Lord had given in a mercy that I had begged of him I was still for many years tempted to beleeve that it had been so though I had not prayed and so it was not given in as an answer to prayer which did much eat out the sweetness of those mercies which I did enjoy in so much that me thinks I do now even stand and admire what it was that did at that time support my spirit carry me on in a continued seeking of God being not able then to record an answer of prayer at all that I can bring to mind However the Lord had been pleased before this time to give me many gracious answers to my poor desires yet were mine eyes withheld from seeing them to be so and taking the comfort thereof untill a long after yea sometimes some years after some of them were given in which yet afterwards the Lord was pleased to make out unto me even before the writing hereof But after all this the Lord by the acts of his providence seemed much to crosse these hopes and desires of his people in joyning in fellowship together which when I heard of it was a great trouble to me who greatly desired the accomplishment of it sometimes thinking that it might be even for my sake alone that the Lord had done it Other times being tempted to think that if it had been the Lords acting to work up my spirit to that pitch that I thought I found it wrought up unto then he would also have gone on to have perfected my desires but being again inabled on the other side to reason thus with my self that it is my duty to wait patiently upon the Lord and submit to him as well for the time as for the matter I indeavoured the Lord assisting me to quiet my spirit with such thoughts as these that the Lord might delay it in much mercy that so I might be the more fit for it when he shall please to accomplish it apprehending that surely he saw me not yet fit for such a mercy then did I again turn to the Lord and thus desire to submit to him begging of him to fit me for such a mercy and if he saw it good to afford me the mercy here if not that he would direct me where to joyn that might be more for his glory and my soules good Thus was the Lord pleased to go on well nigh a quarter of a year still coming in with more light and discoveries of his love to my soul and clearing up to me more and more that work which he had begun through his rich and free grace in my Lord Jesus in whom I did now desire only and alone to be found and not in any of my own righteousnesses who had now inabled me to see to be very lothsome and abominable though formerly I had too much doted upon them Then in the third moneth in the year 1652. Mr. Knight being gone into the North the Lord was pleased by a meer providence as I desire to look upon it not knowing as yet but that I may also say as a return of many of my former poor desires to send Mr. Rogers to the meeting at Mr. Knights house having preached one Lords day before at the Chappel at Hammersmith which occasioned very strong and earnest desires in me to hear him again which now I did the Lord directing him this time to speak unto us concerning Church discipline which I was yet very dark in which the Lord inabled him to give me very much and great satisfaction which otherwise I have cause to fear I might more inconsiderately have rushed upon Thus was the Lord pleased I hope in answer to my poor desires yet farther to clear up this way of his to me proving it clearly to be the way of the Gospel and that which every one ought to be fully satisfied in before they enter upon This being now more cleared unto me my desires and longings after the enjoyment of God in this Sion grew more strong and earnest I continually mentioning it before the Lord. After this really I cannot tell but that I should rob the Lord of his glory in this particular if I should not also acknowledg him further by my poor
soul in former dayes in the Night-seasons and how sweet my Meditation of him hath been Night and Morning upon my Bed and how barren my heart hath been for some time of late in these Meditations and how the Lord hath seemed to withdraw these thoughts did put me upon it the tenth of this second Month in the Evening to beg of God that as he had formerly appeared in such seasons that he would please to return that mercy even by those torches of his hand whereby my Nights are very wearisome to my body by reason of my extream Cough truly I did the more press it upon the Lord in my desires having much groaned to think that Night would be very wearisom to me more then any formerly by reason of my distemper but my good God who worketh all things after the counsel of his own Will and not according to our thoughts or fears or hopes so ordered it that what I had reason most to fear he gave me least to feel and though I was much distempered in my head when I vvent to bed by reason of my cold that vvas so great yet did he give me very good rest all the fore-part of the night vvhich vvhen I avvaked tovvards morning and began to consider Oh I could not but admire but vvithal began to think that though my desires about this vvere ansvvered and though I had rest of body yet no communion vvith my God or reasonings with my own heart which I intended to have parlyed a little with while I had these thoughts and the like lying in a slumbering vvay there vvas this thought brought to my mind which Mr. Cradock the fourth day of this second Month mentioned upon another occasion the words were these That vain man would be wise that was born like a wild Asses Colt These words ran much in my mind and some thoughts were given in upon them with a great desire I might not forget them but might in the Morning see and finde out that place of Scripture but the Lord giving me as I thought an opportunity and so much strength as to go and hear Mr. Cradick I hasted as soon as I could get up to prepare for going but when we came there having prayed to the Lord in some few words that he would please to give me some sight of himself some transforming sight and some kisses from his lips this day but going there we were disappointed for that exercise was for some occasions put off to next morning and so we came home again and coming home being a little sadned in my spirit thinking of my Morning-desires when an answer should be of them or how looked for I sate me down and fell to reading a little of Mr. Cradocks Sermon before mentioned and meeting with these vvords Oh vain man that would be wise put me again in mind of my Night-thoughts and fell to looking the Scripture and found it in Job 11. 12. For vain man would be wise though man be born like a wild Asses Colt some hints there were that fell upon my heart this night from these vvords Vain man would be wise Good God! hath not this been my condition this poor vain creature would I not fain be wise and thought to be so and often prided my self in the thoughts of it for which the Lord righteously shevvs me novv and then my folly yet how fain would I be wise in chalking out Waies for the Lord to walk in tovvards me even as if I knew better what were good for me then God or how to accomplish that Work in my soul better then he and therefore am I so ready to prescribe to him Wayes yea and if he refuses and rejects them as for the most part he is pleased in mercy to do blessed be his Name Oh! how sadly doth it often lie upon my spirit and how apt am I to think hardly of the Lord that truly he doth not mean me any good in denying me this or that I desire And for the later vvords though man be born like a wild Asse Colt concerning vvhich I had some scattered thoughts but not so composed as afterwards But after I had come home from James next day and had looked this Scripture and found it sitting and pausing a vvhile upon it my spirit being very much sadned and unfit for any serious spiritual meditation at last I betook my self to some short requests to the Lord telling him That as he vvas pleased thus to disappoint my expectation of the publike enjoyment yet in him there was a fulness of all povver and ability thereby being as able to speak to me by his own spirit something that might be of spiritual advantage some transforming vvords which he is able to do as vvell in private as in publike which I did now beg of him and to that end besought him to lead me by the hand this day and guide me into the Way and put me upon the Work and that he would please to appear to me with many other requests both for my own soul and others in relation to me But not knowing vvhat Work to set upon this day or what to take in hand but waiting upon the Lords direction having many things in my thoughts to do but desirous of some vvord from God to my poor soul but this vvord in Job 11. 12. following me still I fell to some further thoughts of it and ruminating on the latter clause of being like the wild Asse I began to think what that Scripture did record of this creature that I saw did resemble me fully and there these words of the Prophet brought to my minde that it went up and down snuffing up the Wind and is ready to be found in her moneth which words I found in Jeremiah 2. 24. A wild Asse used to the wilderness that snuffeth up the wind at her pleasure in her occasion who can turn her away all these that seek her will weary themselves in her Month they shall find her In which as also in most part of the chapter I find many things that sate very close to me the Lord began thus it was with me for in v. 2. I remember saith he the kindnest of thy youth the love of thine espousals when thou wentest after me in the Wilderness in a Land that was not sown In the time of thy darkness sorrows and tears and bondage when thou wentest after me and often in the bitterness of thy soul resolved to follow me through this Wilderness though thou shouldest perish in so doing yea resolving so to follow me as that thy heart was then fully as it vvere taken off from all but me thou didst desire nothing but my self But ver 5. What Iniquity have your Fathers found in me that you go from me to follow after vanity How righteously may the Lord say thus to me vvas he not better to me by far then ever I expected or could have believed v. 6. Neither said they Where
that his soul abhorred and lying under the apprehension of my self as one cast off by God whom he never regards having poured out my soul before him and begged a soft heart and a renewed and changed nature urging him often with that similitude of a child coming to his father to begg bread Mat. 7. 9 10 11. or rather in my apprehension finding my heart grow more hard and my affections more cold and luke-warm I lay under another temptation from Sathan that sure I was but an hypocrite in all that I did and therefore should but heap up wrath against my self as in Job 36. 13. and this was set home upon my spirit upon several grounds as 1. Because as he told me I did not so much aim at the glory of God as at that happy estate which is to be enjoyed in heaven 2. Because I could not find my love working so strongly towards God as towards my self desiring to be freed from the torments of hell which I conceived to be intolerable as also 3. Finding sometimes a kind of secret desire that some body might hear or know of my performances of duties c. Though I never durst act in any measure so as that it might be discerned but alwayes strove to my utmost ability to conceal what ever possibly I might yet finding sometimes some such desires of vain glory in my spirit that though I did do it thus privately yet if it could have been known and not by my means I thought I could be content and this also lay as an heavy weight upon my spirit to think that there should such wicked vain and sinful thoughts and desires be suggested to me or for anytime though never so smal lodge within me Jer. 4. 14. Which when I began to consider sadly of did but still renew and increase my troubles and feares being a discovery of the hypocrisy that was in my heart And for the most part of this my trouble I lay under such a sense of the wrath of God that I thought that all I had and enjoyed was cursed to me often admiring that every bit of bread I eat did not choak me or every creature did not put an end to my life often fearing that the company I was in should fare the worse for me in so much that if I went by water or the like I still conceived I might be an occasion of drowning all those that were with me Oh! how desirous was my soul at this time of the help and counsel of my Godly wise friends and Christians but through many and sundry temptations still deprived my self of it and of the benefit I might have gained by it through my wicked silence in all companies and loathness to impart my condition to any Sometimes my wicked corrupt heart would basely suggest to me that I was not able to discourse or speak of any spiritual thing and therefore I should but only thereby discover my own ignorance and no wayes advantage my self c. Which when I was inabled still to consider better of recollecting my thoughts and calling them into question as it were then cometh the Divell and tells me that this did but note my hypocrisy and farther when I have been troubled with it to think that I should give way to such wicked thoughts as these then comes in Sathan again on the other side and tells me that if I should put my self forward in any discourse I should but thereby cause others to have a better opinion of me than indeed I deserved and so deceive others and delude my own soul and this latter temptation was that which indeed did oftenest prevail with me being ever most of all prone to fear the delusions of my own heart and so esteeming my condition to be better than it is This going on in this way of wicked silence made many of my Christian friends I do really beleeve not know what to think of me but were as it were estranged from me which I soon perceiving it was a most heavy affliction to me such as the searcher of hearts knows lay very sadly upon my spirit which yet I could not in any measure make known to them but between God and my own soul condoled this my miserable condition then being to remove out of London which was an exceeding trouble to me to consider how we should by it be deprived of those means which we there might enjoy although indeed neither my Father Mother or my self could enjoy our healths there And removing into the Country about the year 1647. I found the ministery under which I then was exceeding dead and spiritless then when I came home me thought I knew as much and no more to my edification in that condition I was in than I did when I went the subject which was then and for a long time together treated on was that Scripture Gen. 2. 7. The Lord breathed into man the breath of life and man became a living soul The main scope of the minister being to shew what the natural soul was that God had put into man handling it as I conceiv'd more like a Philosopher than a Gospel-preacher which notional things were not those which could satisfie my soul which wanted now some support from heaven in this sad drooping condition I was in but meeting with nothing suitable to my present estate and being here cast in a place where I was deprived of all other means I grew still into a more sad condition every day Then did I lye under a very sad and strange temptation to neglect the ordinance of preaching which was grounded upon the pretence that I might improve my time at home to my more spiritual advantage which temptation I often yeilded to and when I had any opportunity or seeming excuse by reason of any smal bodily distemper either the head-ach or the like I still took those occasions to stay at home and so yeilded to the temptation and thus I did often But when I came still at night to a review of what I had done and how I had spent my time in each of these dayes as also what I had gained I found it to be so little through one temptation or other that I now began to conceive and fear that it was only a temptation of the Divell to bring me out of love with the ordinances of God whereupon the Lord also inabled me to begin to take a view of my own heart indeavouring to perswade my self that the fault was only in me and that surely I was some way or other pr●judiced against the man or his preaching not looking as I ought to the power of God which was able to bless that means to me that he had now cast me under contrary to my desires and that it was therefore just with God to let it be to me according to my unbeleef Whereupon I began again to examine my own heart whether or no I had any kind of prejudice against the man which
8. Jer. 17. 5. and not the rock of Ages The next morning as I lay in my bed I had a secret perswasion darted into me that the Lord was even now answering a great desire of my soul that I have often yea a long time desired that the Lord would be pleased to search and try my reins and my heart and to reveal it to my soul that I might see what was in the bottome of my heart even as he saw it and that to that end he would please to turn the very inside of my heart outward and anatomize it before my eyes and surely the Lord hath been a long time yea for many years emptying me from vessel to vessel and turning me as it were upside down laying me under variety of conditions and dispensations sometimes under mercies sometimes afflictions sometimes one affliction sometimes an other sometimes under scoffs scornes injuries wrongs from neer relations sometimes sickness weaknesses pains bodily trialls spirituall exercises under the power of corruptions and temptations of all sorts and in all conditions and I hope his end is in and by all to purge away my dregs yea I hope he is now in this present affliction making a discovery of my own heart too shewing me how apt it is to depart from the living God and to seek fullness of contentment and satisfaction in poor empty things which the Lord grant I may so see as never more to pursue after them Then did the Lord the sixteenth of this 12. moneth 1652. being the fourth day of the week and our Pastors turn to preach seasonably backe this former conviction which lay upon my heart the Lord being pleased that day both through him as also by his own spirit to speak many seasonable words to my soul shewing me that indeed the true reason why I had wandered so long in a vast howling wilderness without the clear sight of his blessed face which as he now shewed me was because I had not indeed given up my self to the guidance and leading of Jesus Christ but would be gadding about to find my own way and paths of my own Jer. 2. 33 36. and therefore it was just with God to deal with me as he did with Israel of old and bring me back again causing me with sorrow to unravel all that I had done and acknowledg it to be my folly and madness to think to find the path of life and glory by any actings of my own without a clear going out of my self and by faith laying hold upon the righteousness of the Lord Jesus Christ only Yea as Israel of old upon every new straight difficulty or danger still fell to murmuring against the Lord and against his servants even so was it with my wretched heart how ready was it upon every occasion or dispensation of God to me to repine murmur and cry out why is it thus with me surely if he had any love to me it would not c. Yea as they did many of them in their hearts return back again into Aegypt after God had most eminently appeared to them and gone before them and with them even thus I saw it was with my wretched heart oh how ready is it still to return back to the creature for comfort c. yea with Demas to return again to this present world too much and that after such appearances of God to me did not the Lord ever and anon put me in mind and stir me and shew me what was in my heart Yea as Israel in their murmuring discontent cryed out would God we had dyed in Aegypt even so did my wretched heart seeing the difficulty and danger which I apprehended did attend the way to heaven and therefore fearing I should fall short and be overcome of Sathan one time or other and so brought to hell for my sins in a murmuring repining way at the various administrations of God to me often wish'd would God I had dyed in the womb And as they for this murmuring were caused to wander in the wilderness untill their carcases were wasted away and never suffered to possesse that good land or see it many of them even so how justly might the Lord have dealt thus with me and have caused me to wander in this vast desolate wilderness in my self untill not only my body which in a great measure did but untill my very soul should pine away in me but that ever the Lord should give such an unworthy wretch any sights of that good land to see those bunches of grapes c. that are there in abundance and to have any smal taste of them oh the riches of that grace how unsearchable and unfadomeable is this loving kindness and mercy These and many other sweet discoveties of himself and of my own heart was the Lord pleased to give forth into my soul this day both by his word and spirit shewing me my madness and folly in not staying in all my waye to see Christ go before me and guide and lead me but running before him upon wayes of my own which the Lord had justly and righteously yea I hope in the greatest mercy blasted to me which the Lord grant may never more be seen in or found done by me Then upon the third day of the first moneth 1653. being a day set apart by the Parliament for a publick fast thoroughout the Common-wealth Mr. Knight and Mr. Smalwood with one more kept the day at Fulham Mr. Smalwood began the day and shewed us that it was prophesied concerning Christ that he should come as a warrier amongst the Gentiles and that the chief seat of this his spiritual warre to let go that of his providential Kingdome is in the hearts of his people there being the seat of the greatest opposition against him Shewing us that the principal thing that man setteth up in his heart against Christ is his own righteousness therefore Christ wil come to wage warre in that heart where this is seated and set up against him Which through grace gave me a sight clearly of the true reason of all those combustions hurries frights and tumults in my heart for many years together that it was because Christ was coming there as a warrier to pull down those fortifications that I was making to keep him out to wit my striving and endeavouring might and main to set up my own righteousness too much and blessed for ever be that grace that thus many wayes both prevented it and also went on discovering the evill of it to me many sweet refreshments also were hinted out to my soul this day by the Lord through this his servant which came in with such mighty power upon my heart as that I cannot but record them Having now thus shewen us where it is that this seat of this warre of Christ is he then came afterwards to shew what kind of warre he doth thus wage in the hearts of his people which he opened to be the same that he waged