the Lord would be pleased to pardon all the unbeleeving workings of my corrupt heart and those hard thoughts I had had of God and that he would please to give in such clear visions of himself as might mightily increase my faith which desires of mine were spread before the Lord that day But having received at this time some little refreshings from those instructions the Lord was pleased then to communicate by Mr. Knight from Heb. 12. 5-13 From which Scripture I was also convinced that in most of the chastisements the Lord had seen meet to lay me under I had either despised his chastisements or else fainted under them the Lord I say having this day broke in thus upon my heart by his spirit through his word the Divell soon begins again with me taking this opportunity I having set my self and endeavoured to lay my heart to the word and see what comfortable grounds I could take up that the Lord had indeed afflicted me in mercy c. The Divell now begins to indeavour to puffe up my spirit with a conceipt that I was able to speak more in this kind than many others who were at that time also by him presented but through mercy this did not passe many days before the Lord sadly shewed me my folly and weakness herein for a little while after there was an other day kept to which meeting I went and truely after I came there the Lord set home these wicked thoughts together with severall other things which wrought so upon my spirit that my heart was even overwhelmed within me in so much that I could not keep it to my self but was constrained to discover it by my carriage which Mr. Knight taking notice of spake to me after the exercise at which time I was so farre from that ability that Sathan possessed me with thoughts of that I was not able in any measure to speak my heart to him but was as it were one whom the Lord had given up to a dumb spirit and thought those three words which was all that I could then speak were through a meer mistake sadly mis-construed by him yet had I not power to speak one word to clear my meaning supposing it might possibly be that the Lord had something to speak to me even through that mistake there was also this day a word set home very much on my heart from something Mr. Milborn noted to us which also added much to my sadness and it was this that I had prayed and prayed again and again but when I had done I never looked after the returns of them having never yet any experience made out to me that I durst acknowledge this or that to be a return of my prayer nay though the Lord had given in a mercy that I had begged of him I was still for many years tempted to beleeve that it had been so though I had not prayed and so it was not given in as an answer to prayer which did much eat out the sweetness of those mercies which I did enjoy in so much that me thinks I do now even stand and admire what it was that did at that time support my spirit carry me on in a continued seeking of God being not able then to record an answer of prayer at all that I can bring to mind However the Lord had been pleased before this time to give me many gracious answers to my poor desires yet were mine eyes withheld from seeing them to be so and taking the comfort thereof untill a long after yea sometimes some years after some of them were given in which yet afterwards the Lord was pleased to make out unto me even before the writing hereof But after all this the Lord by the acts of his providence seemed much to crosse these hopes and desires of his people in joyning in fellowship together which when I heard of it was a great trouble to me who greatly desired the accomplishment of it sometimes thinking that it might be even for my sake alone that the Lord had done it Other times being tempted to think that if it had been the Lords acting to work up my spirit to that pitch that I thought I found it wrought up unto then he would also have gone on to have perfected my desires but being again inabled on the other side to reason thus with my self that it is my duty to wait patiently upon the Lord and submit to him as well for the time as for the matter I indeavoured the Lord assisting me to quiet my spirit with such thoughts as these that the Lord might delay it in much mercy that so I might be the more fit for it when he shall please to accomplish it apprehending that surely he saw me not yet fit for such a mercy then did I again turn to the Lord and thus desire to submit to him begging of him to fit me for such a mercy and if he saw it good to afford me the mercy here if not that he would direct me where to joyn that might be more for his glory and my soules good Thus was the Lord pleased to go on well nigh a quarter of a year still coming in with more light and discoveries of his love to my soul and clearing up to me more and more that work which he had begun through his rich and free grace in my Lord Jesus in whom I did now desire only and alone to be found and not in any of my own righteousnesses who had now inabled me to see to be very lothsome and abominable though formerly I had too much doted upon them Then in the third moneth in the year 1652. Mr. Knight being gone into the North the Lord was pleased by a meer providence as I desire to look upon it not knowing as yet but that I may also say as a return of many of my former poor desires to send Mr. Rogers to the meeting at Mr. Knights house having preached one Lords day before at the Chappel at Hammersmith which occasioned very strong and earnest desires in me to hear him again which now I did the Lord directing him this time to speak unto us concerning Church discipline which I was yet very dark in which the Lord inabled him to give me very much and great satisfaction which otherwise I have cause to fear I might more inconsiderately have rushed upon Thus was the Lord pleased I hope in answer to my poor desires yet farther to clear up this way of his to me proving it clearly to be the way of the Gospel and that which every one ought to be fully satisfied in before they enter upon This being now more cleared unto me my desires and longings after the enjoyment of God in this Sion grew more strong and earnest I continually mentioning it before the Lord. After this really I cannot tell but that I should rob the Lord of his glory in this particular if I should not also acknowledg him further by my poor
soul in former dayes in the Night-seasons and how sweet my Meditation of him hath been Night and Morning upon my Bed and how barren my heart hath been for some time of late in these Meditations and how the Lord hath seemed to withdraw these thoughts did put me upon it the tenth of this second Month in the Evening to beg of God that as he had formerly appeared in such seasons that he would please to return that mercy even by those torches of his hand whereby my Nights are very wearisome to my body by reason of my extream Cough truly I did the more press it upon the Lord in my desires having much groaned to think that Night would be very wearisom to me more then any formerly by reason of my distemper but my good God who worketh all things after the counsel of his own Will and not according to our thoughts or fears or hopes so ordered it that what I had reason most to fear he gave me least to feel and though I was much distempered in my head when I vvent to bed by reason of my cold that vvas so great yet did he give me very good rest all the fore-part of the night vvhich vvhen I avvaked tovvards morning and began to consider Oh I could not but admire but vvithal began to think that though my desires about this vvere ansvvered and though I had rest of body yet no communion vvith my God or reasonings with my own heart which I intended to have parlyed a little with while I had these thoughts and the like lying in a slumbering vvay there vvas this thought brought to my mind which Mr. Cradock the fourth day of this second Month mentioned upon another occasion the words were these That vain man would be wise that was born like a wild Asses Colt These words ran much in my mind and some thoughts were given in upon them with a great desire I might not forget them but might in the Morning see and finde out that place of Scripture but the Lord giving me as I thought an opportunity and so much strength as to go and hear Mr. Cradick I hasted as soon as I could get up to prepare for going but when we came there having prayed to the Lord in some few words that he would please to give me some sight of himself some transforming sight and some kisses from his lips this day but going there we were disappointed for that exercise was for some occasions put off to next morning and so we came home again and coming home being a little sadned in my spirit thinking of my Morning-desires when an answer should be of them or how looked for I sate me down and fell to reading a little of Mr. Cradocks Sermon before mentioned and meeting with these vvords Oh vain man that would be wise put me again in mind of my Night-thoughts and fell to looking the Scripture and found it in Job 11. 12. For vain man would be wise though man be born like a wild Asses Colt some hints there were that fell upon my heart this night from these vvords Vain man would be wise Good God! hath not this been my condition this poor vain creature would I not fain be wise and thought to be so and often prided my self in the thoughts of it for which the Lord righteously shevvs me novv and then my folly yet how fain would I be wise in chalking out Waies for the Lord to walk in tovvards me even as if I knew better what were good for me then God or how to accomplish that Work in my soul better then he and therefore am I so ready to prescribe to him Wayes yea and if he refuses and rejects them as for the most part he is pleased in mercy to do blessed be his Name Oh! how sadly doth it often lie upon my spirit and how apt am I to think hardly of the Lord that truly he doth not mean me any good in denying me this or that I desire And for the later vvords though man be born like a wild Asse Colt concerning vvhich I had some scattered thoughts but not so composed as afterwards But after I had come home from James next day and had looked this Scripture and found it sitting and pausing a vvhile upon it my spirit being very much sadned and unfit for any serious spiritual meditation at last I betook my self to some short requests to the Lord telling him That as he vvas pleased thus to disappoint my expectation of the publike enjoyment yet in him there was a fulness of all povver and ability thereby being as able to speak to me by his own spirit something that might be of spiritual advantage some transforming vvords which he is able to do as vvell in private as in publike which I did now beg of him and to that end besought him to lead me by the hand this day and guide me into the Way and put me upon the Work and that he would please to appear to me with many other requests both for my own soul and others in relation to me But not knowing vvhat Work to set upon this day or what to take in hand but waiting upon the Lords direction having many things in my thoughts to do but desirous of some vvord from God to my poor soul but this vvord in Job 11. 12. following me still I fell to some further thoughts of it and ruminating on the latter clause of being like the wild Asse I began to think what that Scripture did record of this creature that I saw did resemble me fully and there these words of the Prophet brought to my minde that it went up and down snuffing up the Wind and is ready to be found in her moneth which words I found in Jeremiah 2. 24. A wild Asse used to the wilderness that snuffeth up the wind at her pleasure in her occasion who can turn her away all these that seek her will weary themselves in her Month they shall find her In which as also in most part of the chapter I find many things that sate very close to me the Lord began thus it was with me for in v. 2. I remember saith he the kindnest of thy youth the love of thine espousals when thou wentest after me in the Wilderness in a Land that was not sown In the time of thy darkness sorrows and tears and bondage when thou wentest after me and often in the bitterness of thy soul resolved to follow me through this Wilderness though thou shouldest perish in so doing yea resolving so to follow me as that thy heart was then fully as it vvere taken off from all but me thou didst desire nothing but my self But ver 5. What Iniquity have your Fathers found in me that you go from me to follow after vanity How righteously may the Lord say thus to me vvas he not better to me by far then ever I expected or could have believed v. 6. Neither said they Where
that his soul abhorred and lying under the apprehension of my self as one cast off by God whom he never regards having poured out my soul before him and begged a soft heart and a renewed and changed nature urging him often with that similitude of a child coming to his father to begg bread Mat. 7. 9 10 11. or rather in my apprehension finding my heart grow more hard and my affections more cold and luke-warm I lay under another temptation from Sathan that sure I was but an hypocrite in all that I did and therefore should but heap up wrath against my self as in Job 36. 13. and this was set home upon my spirit upon several grounds as 1. Because as he told me I did not so much aim at the glory of God as at that happy estate which is to be enjoyed in heaven 2. Because I could not find my love working so strongly towards God as towards my self desiring to be freed from the torments of hell which I conceived to be intolerable as also 3. Finding sometimes a kind of secret desire that some body might hear or know of my performances of duties c. Though I never durst act in any measure so as that it might be discerned but alwayes strove to my utmost ability to conceal what ever possibly I might yet finding sometimes some such desires of vain glory in my spirit that though I did do it thus privately yet if it could have been known and not by my means I thought I could be content and this also lay as an heavy weight upon my spirit to think that there should such wicked vain and sinful thoughts and desires be suggested to me or for anytime though never so smal lodge within me Jer. 4. 14. Which when I began to consider sadly of did but still renew and increase my troubles and feares being a discovery of the hypocrisy that was in my heart And for the most part of this my trouble I lay under such a sense of the wrath of God that I thought that all I had and enjoyed was cursed to me often admiring that every bit of bread I eat did not choak me or every creature did not put an end to my life often fearing that the company I was in should fare the worse for me in so much that if I went by water or the like I still conceived I might be an occasion of drowning all those that were with me Oh! how desirous was my soul at this time of the help and counsel of my Godly wise friends and Christians but through many and sundry temptations still deprived my self of it and of the benefit I might have gained by it through my wicked silence in all companies and loathness to impart my condition to any Sometimes my wicked corrupt heart would basely suggest to me that I was not able to discourse or speak of any spiritual thing and therefore I should but only thereby discover my own ignorance and no wayes advantage my self c. Which when I was inabled still to consider better of recollecting my thoughts and calling them into question as it were then cometh the Divell and tells me that this did but note my hypocrisy and farther when I have been troubled with it to think that I should give way to such wicked thoughts as these then comes in Sathan again on the other side and tells me that if I should put my self forward in any discourse I should but thereby cause others to have a better opinion of me than indeed I deserved and so deceive others and delude my own soul and this latter temptation was that which indeed did oftenest prevail with me being ever most of all prone to fear the delusions of my own heart and so esteeming my condition to be better than it is This going on in this way of wicked silence made many of my Christian friends I do really beleeve not know what to think of me but were as it were estranged from me which I soon perceiving it was a most heavy affliction to me such as the searcher of hearts knows lay very sadly upon my spirit which yet I could not in any measure make known to them but between God and my own soul condoled this my miserable condition then being to remove out of London which was an exceeding trouble to me to consider how we should by it be deprived of those means which we there might enjoy although indeed neither my Father Mother or my self could enjoy our healths there And removing into the Country about the year 1647. I found the ministery under which I then was exceeding dead and spiritless then when I came home me thought I knew as much and no more to my edification in that condition I was in than I did when I went the subject which was then and for a long time together treated on was that Scripture Gen. 2. 7. The Lord breathed into man the breath of life and man became a living soul The main scope of the minister being to shew what the natural soul was that God had put into man handling it as I conceiv'd more like a Philosopher than a Gospel-preacher which notional things were not those which could satisfie my soul which wanted now some support from heaven in this sad drooping condition I was in but meeting with nothing suitable to my present estate and being here cast in a place where I was deprived of all other means I grew still into a more sad condition every day Then did I lye under a very sad and strange temptation to neglect the ordinance of preaching which was grounded upon the pretence that I might improve my time at home to my more spiritual advantage which temptation I often yeilded to and when I had any opportunity or seeming excuse by reason of any smal bodily distemper either the head-ach or the like I still took those occasions to stay at home and so yeilded to the temptation and thus I did often But when I came still at night to a review of what I had done and how I had spent my time in each of these dayes as also what I had gained I found it to be so little through one temptation or other that I now began to conceive and fear that it was only a temptation of the Divell to bring me out of love with the ordinances of God whereupon the Lord also inabled me to begin to take a view of my own heart indeavouring to perswade my self that the fault was only in me and that surely I was some way or other prâ—judiced against the man or his preaching not looking as I ought to the power of God which was able to bless that means to me that he had now cast me under contrary to my desires and that it was therefore just with God to let it be to me according to my unbeleef Whereupon I began again to examine my own heart whether or no I had any kind of prejudice against the man which
66. 16. 1 Tim. 1. 13 14 15 16. Act. 22. there was also suddenly after this presented to me as one thing that the Lord might aim at in this touch of his even to mind me that I had not that degree of compassion or fellow feeling as I ought of that affliction which in some respect in the same kind though in a greater degree lay upon our Sister Arnat by reason of a great feaver and doubtless there might be something in this though I should also wrong my self should I not acknowledge much and continued working in my heart for and towards her which oft occasioned me to spread her condition before the Lord according to my poor measure But upon the 25 of this 11 moneth in the night I had little or no rest by reason of the great distemper which lay upon me and really I do not well know wether the distemper of my body or my mind were the greater but both meeting it lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh which thought it self ready to give up under it but my thoughts being continually working I found in my spirit a great natural reluctancy against death which seemed at times as it were to approach often thinking that it was not possible in natural reason that I could continue untill morning yet said I nothing for fear of affrighting my Mother yet had I also between times a great desire together with a kind of perswasion that for all this I should be enabled to hear Mr. Knight next morning whose turn it was to preach at the Chappel at Fulham thus I say finding in my spirit some kind of reluctancy at death of which considering a little it being that corruption which I thought had now been in some good measure crucified but finding it still to work up was no smal trouble to me which together with many other fears that lay upon my spirit as that I should not be inabled to sanctifie the name of God or honour him under this affliction which was indeed the ground of my trouble at the approach of death and if I know my heart in any measure that only which I resolved in my self to declare to some friend I should meet at Fulham next day if the Lord should please to enable me to go and so beg their remembrance at the throne of grace but being enabled to consider better of it I was given to see that it was nothing but a meer temptation to distrust the power and love of God to think as if he should now bring me into that condition that he would not carry me thorough whereupon I was enabled to gather up my spirits a little and in some better measure to submit to the hand and will of my Father which I was now assured should certainly end in his glory and my good and to this end I was now also enabled again to call over that blessed promise in Rom. 8. 28. That all things shall work yea work together for good to them that love God c. which promise I had often found by experience had been made good to my soul and was therefore much troubled that any distrustful thoughts should arise in me concerning it divers other promises also before mentioned were now brought to my mind and wrought afresh upon my heart which did exceedingly refresh my spirit so that the first refreshment which I found was in my spirit and after that was a little quieted I had a little short slumber and did the Lord so farre mittigate my bodily distemper as that it did not hinder me from that blessed opportunity next day though accompanied with much bodily weakness But upon the 2 day of the 12 moneth 1652. I found my distemper of body much abated in so much as I thought it was now quite gone but that very night was the Lord pleased to return yea to heighten it constraining me to keep house certain days whereby I perceived that this work upon my soul was not yet accomplished nor I fully acquainted with his mind and will in it which was some trouble to me whereupon I again besought the Lord to acquaint me with his mind and will in it and to sanctifie it unto me giving me an heart to submit to whatsoever he had yet further to lay upon me in which I also sought the prayers of his people upon the 6 of this moneth But upon the seventh day of this moneth Providence offering some occasion whereby I was put upon the thoughts of parting with my Aunt Dogget who was upon remove into the Country with many thoughts there abouts which were now brought to my mind which occasioned such a heavyness to possess my spirit upon other accounts also which came in to adde to the other in so much that I was even as it were overwhelmed with it untill I was enabled to vent it before the Lord at vvhich time he vvas pleased to discover to me that this vvas meerly to return as it vvere from the Lord to the creature for comfort and support as if he vvere not able abundantly to make up in himself the vvant of such a comfort and relation if he savv meet to deprive me of it the thoughts of vvhich did much grieve me then did the Lord also shevv me hovv I had continually provoked him in this kinde by leaning upon such poor reeds and diging to my self such poor pits such broken Cisterns as could indeed hold no vvater and in the mean time too much neglect him the fountain of living vvaters Jer. 2. 13. Yea while I was thus pouring out my soul before him and lamenting my miserable and wretched folly he was pleased also to cast my thoughts upon that part of Scripture I find recorded in 1 King 11. 9. How the Lord was angry with Solomon because his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel which had appeared to him twice even so I saw the Lord had just cause to be angry with me that I should thus again return to the creature and as it were make a God of it yea after such eminent appearances of his to my soul The same day did the Lord bring to my mind that severe threatning against Moab who had been at ease from his youth and was setled on his lees who had not been emptied from vessel to vessel neither had gone into captivity and therefore his taste remained in him and his sent was not changed Jer. 48. 11 now finding this given by the Spirit of God as the reason why his sent remained even because he had not been emptied c. I could not but stand and wonder what reason could be given of the corruptions in my heart whom the Lord had not left at ease but had often emptied from vessel to vessel as it were trying alwayes and means with me and yet that I should still savour so much of the earth and of the old man and should still so incline to depend upon an arm of flesh 2 Chron. 32.
might have cause to praise him even to all eternity for this unspeakable mercy This latter was written in the behalf of one in near relation afterwards it was exceedingly set upon my heart not to do it onely in his behalf but also in the behalf of other poor dark souls in relation to me May the 4. Oh my soul must thou not needs acknowledg the Lord a God hearing the very groanes of thy soul before they were effectually put up puting in at the very time a seasonable word into the mouthes of his servants suiting to thy troubles and fears supporting thy spirit under them abundantly And did not the Lord that same day May 4. by a letter that as soone as I came home came to my hands gave my soul great hopes of a begun work upon that poor soul which came as it were as a fresh return of prayer this very person being in my heart in these desires that were then put up May 21. the Lord was pleased one Evening very much to draw out my heart to beg his appearance to my soul in every ordinance in a more full and lively manner then formerly and next day being the first day of the week truly the Lord was pleased very much to appear in the morning to refresh and chear my heart and so also in the ordinance of the supper for which bless the Lord O my soul The fourth of the fourth moneth In the Evening I found my heart very dead and dull to any spiritual service yet the Lord was pleased to draw it out in this request to him begging a special presence of his the next day both in prayer and preaching and the ordinance of the supper begging the Lord to appear through his servant that was to administer in his name that there might be such a lively presence and appearance of God through him as might be a token of good to my soul And truly the Lord was pleased the next day in a lively manner to appear not onely suiting his appearance to that dead dull frame my wretched heart was in to him but doing abundantly above even my expectation in some sense riding triumphantly and gloriously in the charet of his word The 13 of this fourth moneth in the Evening the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to plead with him to discover to me what the desires the hungrings and the thirstings of my soul were indeed after telling him withall that as farre as I knew my own heart it was not after the world the profits pleasures or any thing in it beseeching him to search and try me and if I were deceived in this to discover it to me and to be so farre from satisfying any thirst of my soul after any thing besides himself as to blast it and to make me sensible of it and humble before him for it but telling him withall that he had promised that he that hungers and thirsts after righteousness they shall be satisfied and filled and truely if I know any thing of my own heart this is it my soul waiteth for and brayeth after to be made more like him more conformable to him to have the spirit of a child put upon me whereby I might be more like unto him and more dedicated and given up in all my wayes to him but that if it were not thus with me but that I were deceived in it I did then beg above all things in the world that the Lord would discover it unto me The 25 of this fourth moneth my spirit wasdrawn out to beg the Lords appearance the next day and suiting my heart to it which I found in a very dead dul frame beseeching the Lord that his appearance might not answer that wretched frame my heart was then in but that my heart might be put in frame to meet with him As also that the Lord would be pleased to provide a portion for every poor soul that desires to see his face and to seek his presence that they might find some word suitable to their condition and how richly and abundantly did the Lord answer each of those desires both in behalf of my own soul and also on the behalf of others how gloriously did the Lord appear and ride triumphantly in the Charet of his word this day in the morning presenting very glorious usefull truths seasonable to my poor soul which the Lord enable me to practise and make use of enabling me to improve the promises to this great work of cleaning from corruption Yea the Lord was pleased in a further way to answer my desires for others putting in a very seasonable word of his to my Cozen Jefferson concerning free-will who was much in my thoughts in my former requests shewing how the promises were made in respect of our own weakness and nothingness for had the creature any power God need not promise to do all The Lord having thus appeared this morning there arose in my heart a question at noon whether I should not publickly by Mr. Knight offer up praises to the Lord for this appearance of his but through many fears that arose upon my spirit lest it might be misconstrued as if I did desire to appear to be somebody with the like temptation was kept off yet notwithstanding some trouble to my spirit for I was greatly desirous to have blessed the Lord publickly for it yet how did the Lord appear in answer to this secret desire of mine For Mr. Knight himself upon his own account did largely blesse the Lord for his appearance in the midst of the day and so throughout with which my heart did really close and so did our Sister Arnal as she said afterward as well as my self greatly rejoycing that the Lord drew out his heart in that wherein her heart and mind also did so abundantly joyn Our Brethen having made some entrance into the private conference and somewhat of God appearing from several of them my heart was much drawn out to propound some questions to them having two or three things upon my spirit wherein I was much unsatisfied and having resolved upon the thing in general there arose a great dispute in my spirit which question to propound first for they all left much weight upon my spirit and amongst others I had a very strong desire to propound this what means might be best available for the subduing of pride and strong debate had I in my spirit before I could passe this over yet at the last my spirit was overcome to propound another which proved very suitable to many other spirits in which I saw some hand of God Yet did my heart earnestly long after some resolutions concerning that of pride but how gloriouly did the Lord a while after the 26 of this fourth moneth appear in answer to it shewing me that there is no way like to the taking of the advantage of the ordinances which the Lord enable me to do About the end of this fourth