the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o pardon_v all_o the_o unbelieved_a working_n of_o my_o corrupt_a heart_n and_o those_o hard_a thought_n i_o have_v have_v of_o god_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v in_o such_o clear_a vision_n of_o himself_o as_o may_v mighty_o increase_v my_o faith_n which_o desire_v of_o i_o be_v spread_v before_o the_o lord_n that_o day_n but_o have_v receive_v at_o this_o time_n some_o little_a refresh_n from_o those_o instruction_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v then_o to_o communicate_v by_o mr._n knight_n from_o heb._n 12._o 5-13_a from_o which_o scripture_n i_o be_v also_o convince_v that_o in_o most_o of_o the_o chastisement_n the_o lord_n have_v see_v meet_a to_o lay_v i_o under_o i_o have_v either_o despise_v his_o chastisement_n or_o else_o faint_v under_o they_o the_o lord_n i_o say_v have_v this_o day_n break_v in_o thus_o upon_o my_o heart_n by_o his_o spirit_n through_o his_o word_n the_o devil_n soon_o begin_v again_o with_o i_o take_v this_o opportunity_n i_o have_v set_v myself_o and_o endeavour_v to_o lay_v my_o heart_n to_o the_o word_n and_o see_v what_o comfortable_a ground_n i_o can_v take_v up_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v indeed_o afflict_v i_o in_o mercy_n etc._n etc._n the_o devil_n now_o begin_v to_o endeavour_v to_o puff_n up_o my_o spirit_n with_o a_o conceit_n that_o i_o be_v able_a to_o speak_v more_o in_o this_o kind_n than_o many_o other_o who_o be_v at_o that_o time_n also_o by_o he_o present_v but_o through_o mercy_n this_o do_v not_o pass_v many_o day_n before_o the_o lord_n sad_o show_v i_o my_o folly_n and_o weakness_n herein_o for_o a_o little_a while_n after_o there_o be_v a_o other_o day_n keep_v to_o which_o meeting_n i_o go_v and_o true_o after_o i_o come_v there_o the_o lord_n set_v home_o these_o wicked_a thought_n together_o with_o several_a other_o thing_n which_o wrought_v so_o upon_o my_o spirit_n that_o my_o heart_n be_v even_o overwhelm_v within_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o can_v not_o keep_v it_o to_o myself_o but_o be_v constrain_v to_o discover_v it_o by_o my_o carriage_n which_o mr._n knight_n take_v notice_n of_o speak_v to_o i_o after_o the_o exercise_n at_o which_o time_n i_o be_v so_o far_o from_o that_o ability_n that_o satan_n possess_v i_o with_o thought_n of_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a in_o any_o measure_n to_o speak_v my_o heart_n to_o he_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v one_o who_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v up_o to_o a_o dumb_a spirit_n and_o think_v those_o three_o word_n which_o be_v all_o that_o i_o can_v then_o speak_v be_v through_o a_o mere_a mistake_n sad_o misconstrued_n by_o he_o yet_o have_v i_o not_o power_n to_o speak_v one_o word_n to_o clear_v my_o meaning_n suppose_v it_o may_v possible_o be_v that_o the_o lord_n have_v something_o to_o speak_v to_o i_o even_o through_o that_o mistake_n there_o be_v also_o this_o day_n a_o word_n set_v home_o very_o much_o on_o my_o heart_n from_o something_o mr._n milborn_n note_v to_o we_o which_o also_o add_v much_o to_o my_o sadness_n and_o it_o be_v this_o that_o i_o have_v pray_v and_o pray_v again_o and_o again_o but_o when_o i_o have_v do_v i_o never_o look_v after_o the_o return_n of_o they_o have_v never_o yet_o any_o experience_n make_v out_o to_o i_o that_o i_o dare_v acknowledge_v this_o or_o that_o to_o be_v a_o return_n of_o my_o prayer_n nay_o though_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v in_o a_o mercy_n that_o i_o have_v beg_v of_o he_o i_o be_v still_o for_o many_o year_n tempt_v to_o believe_v that_o it_o have_v be_v so_o though_o i_o have_v not_o pray_v and_o so_o it_o be_v not_o give_v in_o as_o a_o answer_n to_o prayer_n which_o do_v much_o eat_v out_o the_o sweetness_n of_o those_o mercy_n which_o i_o do_v enjoy_v in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o think_v i_o do_v now_o even_o stand_v and_o admire_v what_o it_o be_v that_o do_v at_o that_o time_n support_v my_o spirit_n &_o carry_v i_o on_o in_o a_o continue_a seek_v of_o god_n be_v not_o able_a then_o to_o record_v a_o answer_n of_o prayer_n at_o all_o that_o i_o can_v bring_v to_o mind_n however_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v before_o this_o time_n to_o give_v i_o many_o gracious_a answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o be_v my_o eye_n withhold_v from_o see_v they_o to_o be_v so_o and_o take_v the_o comfort_n thereof_o until_o a_o long_a after_o yea_o sometime_o some_o year_n after_o some_o of_o they_o be_v give_v in_o which_o yet_o afterward_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o make_v out_o unto_o i_o even_o before_o the_o write_n hereof_o but_o after_o all_o this_o the_o lord_n by_o the_o act_n of_o his_o providence_n seem_v much_o to_o cross_v these_o hope_n and_o desire_n of_o his_o people_n in_o join_v in_o fellowship_n together_o which_o when_o i_o hear_v of_o it_o be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o i_o who_o great_o desire_v the_o accomplishment_n of_o it_o sometime_o think_v that_o it_o may_v be_v even_o for_o my_o sake_n alone_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v do_v it_o other_o time_n be_v tempt_v to_o think_v that_o if_o it_o have_v be_v the_o lord_n act_v to_o work_v up_o my_o spirit_n to_o that_o pitch_n that_o i_o think_v i_o find_v it_o wrought_v up_o unto_o than_o he_o will_v also_o have_v go_v on_o to_o have_v perfect_v my_o desire_n but_o be_v again_o enable_v on_o the_o other_o side_n to_o reason_n thus_o with_o myself_o that_o it_o be_v my_o duty_n to_o wait_v patient_o upon_o the_o lord_n and_o submit_v to_o he_o as_o well_o for_o the_o time_n as_o for_o the_o matter_n i_o endeavour_v the_o lord_n assist_v i_o to_o quiet_v my_o spirit_n with_o such_o thought_n as_o these_o that_o the_o lord_n may_v delay_v it_o in_o much_o mercy_n that_o so_o i_o may_v be_v the_o more_o fit_a for_o it_o when_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o accomplish_v it_o apprehend_v that_o sure_o he_o see_v i_o not_o yet_o fit_a for_o such_o a_o mercy_n than_o do_v i_o again_o turn_v to_o the_o lord_n and_o thus_o desire_v to_o submit_v to_o he_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o fit_v i_o for_o such_o a_o mercy_n and_o if_o he_o see_v it_o good_a to_o afford_v i_o the_o mercy_n here_o if_o not_o that_o he_o will_v direct_v i_o where_o to_o join_v that_o may_v be_v more_o for_o his_o glory_n and_o my_o soul_n good_a thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o go_v on_o well_o nigh_o a_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n still_o come_v in_o with_o more_o light_n and_o discovery_n of_o his_o love_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o more_o and_o more_o that_o work_n which_o he_o have_v begin_v through_o his_o rich_a and_o free_a grace_n in_o my_o lord_n jesus_n in_o who_o i_o do_v now_o desire_v only_o and_o alone_o to_o be_v find_v and_o not_o in_o any_o of_o my_o own_o righteousness_n who_o have_v now_o enable_v i_o to_o see_v to_o be_v very_o loathsome_a and_o abominable_a though_o former_o i_o have_v too_o much_o dote_v upon_o they_o then_o in_o the_o three_o month_n in_o the_o year_n 1652._o mr._n knight_n be_v go_v into_o the_o north_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o a_o mere_a providence_n as_o i_o desire_v to_o look_v upon_o it_o not_o know_v as_o yet_o but_o that_o i_o may_v also_o say_v as_o a_o return_n of_o many_o of_o my_o former_a poor_a desire_n to_o send_v mr._n rogers_n to_o the_o meeting_n at_o mr._n knight_n house_n have_v preach_v one_o lord_n day_n before_o at_o the_o chapel_n at_o hammersmith_n which_o occasion_v very_o strong_a and_o earnest_a desire_n in_o i_o to_o hear_v he_o again_o which_o now_o i_o do_v the_o lord_n direct_v he_o this_o time_n to_o speak_v unto_o we_o concern_v church_n discipline_n which_o i_o be_v yet_o very_o dark_a in_o which_o the_o lord_n enable_v he_o to_o give_v i_o very_o much_o and_o great_a satisfaction_n which_o otherwise_o i_o have_v cause_n to_o fear_v i_o may_v more_o inconsiderate_o have_v rush_v upon_o thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v i_o hope_v in_o answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o far_a to_o clear_v up_o this_o way_n of_o he_o to_o i_o prove_v it_o clear_o to_o be_v the_o way_n of_o the_o gospel_n and_o that_o which_o every_o one_o ought_v to_o be_v full_o satisfy_v in_o before_o they_o enter_v upon_o this_o be_v now_o more_o clear_v unto_o i_o my_o desire_n and_o long_n after_o the_o enjoyment_n of_o god_n in_o this_o zion_n grow_v more_o strong_a and_o earnest_a i_o continual_o mention_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o real_o i_o can_v tell_v but_o that_o i_o shall_v rob_v the_o lord_n of_o his_o glory_n in_o this_o particular_a if_o i_o shall_v not_o also_o acknowledge_v he_o further_o by_o my_o poor_a
soul_n in_o former_a day_n in_o the_o night-season_n and_o how_o sweet_a my_o meditation_n of_o he_o have_v be_v night_n and_o morning_n upon_o my_o bed_n and_o how_o barren_a my_o heart_n have_v be_v for_o some_o time_n of_o late_a in_o these_o meditation_n and_o how_o the_o lord_n have_v seem_v to_o withdraw_v these_o thought_n do_v put_v i_o upon_o it_o the_o ten_o of_o this_o second_o month_n in_o the_o evening_n to_o beg_v of_o god_n that_o as_o he_o have_v former_o appear_v in_o such_o season_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o return_v that_o mercy_n even_o by_o those_o torch_n of_o his_o hand_n whereby_o my_o night_n be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o my_o body_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o extreme_a cough_n &_o true_o i_o do_v the_o more_o press_v it_o upon_o the_o lord_n in_o my_o desire_n have_v much_o groan_v to_o think_v that_o night_n will_v be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o i_o more_o than_o any_o former_o by_o reason_n of_o my_o distemper_n but_o my_o good_a god_n who_o work_v all_o thing_n after_o the_o counsel_n of_o his_o own_o will_n and_o not_o according_a to_o our_o thought_n or_o fear_n or_o hope_n so_o order_v it_o that_o what_o i_o have_v reason_n most_o to_o fear_n he_o give_v i_o least_o to_o feel_v and_o though_o i_o be_v much_o distemper_v in_o my_o head_n when_o i_o go_v to_o bed_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o cold_n that_o be_v so_o great_a yet_o do_v he_o give_v i_o very_o good_a rest_n all_o the_o forepart_n of_o the_o night_n which_o when_o i_o awake_v towards_o morning_n and_o begin_v to_o consider_v oh_o i_o can_v not_o but_o admire_v but_o withal_o begin_v to_o think_v that_o though_o my_o desire_n about_o this_o be_v answer_v and_o though_o i_o have_v rest_n of_o body_n yet_o no_o communion_n with_o my_o god_n or_o reason_v with_o my_o own_o heart_n which_o i_o intend_v to_o have_v parly_v a_o little_a with_o while_o i_o have_v these_o thought_n and_o the_o like_a lie_v in_o a_o slumber_a way_n there_o be_v this_o thought_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n which_o mr._n cradock_n the_o four_o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n mention_v upon_o another_o occasion_n the_o word_n be_v these_o that_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a that_o be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n these_o word_n run_v much_o in_o my_o mind_n and_o some_o thought_n be_v give_v in_o upon_o they_o with_o a_o great_a desire_n i_o may_v not_o forget_v they_o but_o may_v in_o the_o morning_n see_v and_o find_v out_o that_o place_n of_o scripture_n but_o the_o lord_n give_v i_o as_o i_o think_v a_o opportunity_n and_o so_o much_o strength_n as_o to_o go_v and_o hear_v mr._n cradick_n i_o haste_v as_o soon_o as_o i_o can_v get_v up_o to_o prepare_v for_o go_v but_o when_o we_o come_v there_o have_v pray_v to_o the_o lord_n in_o some_o few_o word_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v i_o some_o sight_n of_o himself_o some_o transform_a sight_n and_o some_o kiss_n from_o his_o lip_n this_o day_n but_o go_v there_o we_o be_v disappoint_v for_o that_o exercise_n be_v for_o some_o occasion_n put_v off_o to_o next_o morning_n and_o so_o we_o come_v home_o again_o and_o come_v home_o be_v a_o little_a sadned_a in_o my_o spirit_n think_v of_o my_o morning-desire_n &_o when_o a_o answer_n shall_v be_v of_o they_o or_o how_o look_v for_o i_o sit_v i_o down_o and_o fall_v to_o read_v a_o little_a of_o mr._n cradock_n sermon_n before_o mention_v and_o meet_v with_o these_o word_n oh_o vain_a man_n that_o will_v be_v wise_a put_v i_o again_o in_o mind_n of_o my_o night-thought_n and_o fall_v to_o look_v the_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o in_o job_n 11._o 12._o for_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n some_o hint_n there_o be_v that_o fall_v upon_o my_o heart_n this_o night_n from_o these_o word_n vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a good_a god_n have_v not_o this_o be_v my_o condition_n this_o poor_a vain_a creature_n will_v i_o not_o fain_o be_v wise_a and_o think_v to_o be_v so_o and_o often_o pride_v myself_o in_o the_o thought_n of_o it_o for_o which_o the_o lord_n righteous_o show_v i_o now_o and_o then_o my_o folly_n yet_o how_o fain_o will_v i_o be_v wise_a in_o chalk_v out_o way_n for_o the_o lord_n to_o walk_v in_o towards_o i_o even_o as_o if_o i_o know_v better_a what_o be_v good_a for_o i_o then_o god_n or_o how_o to_o accomplish_v that_o work_n in_o my_o soul_n better_o than_o he_o and_o therefore_o be_o i_o so_o ready_a to_o prescribe_v to_o he_o way_n yea_o and_o if_o he_o refuse_v and_o reject_v they_o as_o for_o the_o most_o part_n he_o be_v please_v in_o mercy_n to_o do_v bless_a be_v his_o name_n oh_o how_o sad_o do_v it_o often_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o how_o apt_a be_o i_o to_o think_v hardly_o of_o the_o lord_n that_o true_o he_o do_v not_o mean_v i_o any_o good_a in_o deny_v i_o this_o or_o that_o i_o desire_v and_o for_o the_o late_a word_n though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n concern_v which_o i_o have_v some_o scatter_a thought_n but_o not_o so_o compose_v as_o afterward_o but_o after_o i_o have_v come_v home_o from_o james_n next_o day_n and_o have_v look_v this_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o sit_v and_o pause_v a_o while_n upon_o it_o my_o spirit_n be_v very_o much_o sadn_v and_o unfit_a for_o any_o serious_a spiritual_a meditation_n at_o last_o i_o betake_v myself_o to_o some_o short_a request_n to_o the_o lord_n tell_v he_o that_o as_o he_o be_v please_v thus_o to_o disappoint_v my_o expectation_n of_o the_o public_a enjoyment_n yet_o in_o he_o there_o be_v a_o fullness_n of_o all_o power_n and_o ability_n thereby_o be_v as_o able_a to_o speak_v to_o i_o by_o his_o own_o spirit_n something_o that_o may_v be_v of_o spiritual_a advantage_n some_o transform_a word_n which_o he_o be_v able_a to_o do_v as_o well_o in_o private_a as_o in_o public_a which_o i_o do_v now_o beg_v of_o he_o and_o to_o that_o end_n beseech_v he_o to_o lead_v i_o by_o the_o hand_n this_o day_n and_o guide_v i_o into_o the_o way_n and_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o work_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o appear_v to_o i_o with_o many_o other_o request_v both_o for_o my_o own_o soul_n and_o other_o in_o relation_n to_o i_o but_o not_o know_v what_o work_n to_o set_v upon_o this_o day_n or_o what_o to_o take_v in_o hand_n but_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n direction_n have_v many_o thing_n in_o my_o thought_n to_o do_v but_o desirous_a of_o some_o word_n from_o god_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n but_o this_o word_n in_o job_n 11._o 12._o follow_v i_o still_o i_o fall_v to_o some_o further_a thought_n of_o it_o and_o ruminate_v on_o the_o latter_a clause_n of_o be_v like_o the_o wild_a ass_n i_o begin_v to_o think_v what_o that_o scripture_n do_v record_n of_o this_o creature_n that_o i_o see_v do_v resemble_v i_o full_o and_o there_o these_o word_n of_o the_o prophet_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n that_o it_o go_v up_o and_o down_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n and_o be_v ready_a to_o be_v find_v in_o her_o month_n which_o word_n i_o find_v in_o jeremiah_n 2._o 24._o a_o wild_a ass_n use_v to_o the_o wilderness_n that_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n at_o her_o pleasure_n in_o her_o occasion_n who_o can_v turn_v she_o away_o all_o these_o that_o seek_v she_o will_v weary_v themselves_o in_o her_o month_n they_o shall_v find_v she_o in_o which_o as_o also_o in_o most_o part_n of_o the_o chapter_n i_o find_v many_o thing_n that_o sit_v very_o close_o to_o i_o the_o lord_n begin_v thus_o it_o be_v with_o i_o for_o in_o v._o 2._o i_o remember_v say_v he_o the_o kindn_a of_o thy_o youth_n the_o love_n of_o thy_o espousal_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o in_o the_o wilderness_n in_o a_o land_n that_o be_v not_o sow_o in_o the_o time_n of_o thy_o darkness_n sorrow_n and_o tear_n and_o bondage_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o and_o often_o in_o the_o bitterness_n of_o thy_o soul_n resolve_v to_o follow_v i_o through_o this_o wilderness_n though_o thou_o shall_v perish_v in_o so_o do_v yea_o resolve_v so_o to_o follow_v i_o as_o that_o thy_o heart_n be_v then_o full_o as_o it_o be_v take_v off_o from_o all_o but_o i_o thou_o do_v desire_v nothing_o but_o myself_o but_o ver_fw-la 5._o what_o iniquity_n have_v your_o father_n find_v in_o i_o that_o you_o go_v from_o i_o to_o follow_v after_o vanity_n how_o righteous_o may_v the_o lord_n say_v thus_o to_o i_o be_v he_o not_o better_o to_o i_o by_o far_o then_o ever_o i_o expect_v or_o can_v have_v believe_v v._o 6._o neither_o say_v they_o where_o
that_o his_o soul_n abhor_v and_o lie_v under_o the_o apprehension_n of_o myself_o as_o one_o cast_v off_o by_o god_n who_o he_o never_o regard_v have_v pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o beg_v a_o soft_a heart_n and_o a_o renew_a and_o change_v nature_n urge_v he_o often_o with_o that_o similitude_n of_o a_o child_n come_v to_o his_o father_n to_o beg_v bread_n mat._n 7._o 9_o 10_o 11._o or_o rather_o in_o my_o apprehension_n find_v my_o heart_n grow_v more_o hard_a and_o my_o affection_n more_o cold_a and_o lukewarm_a i_o lay_v under_o another_o temptation_n from_o satan_n that_o sure_o i_o be_v but_o a_o hypocrite_n in_o all_o that_o i_o do_v and_o therefore_o shall_v but_o heap_v up_o wrath_n against_o myself_o as_o in_o job_n 36._o 13._o and_o this_o be_v set_v home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n upon_o several_a ground_n as_o 1._o because_o as_o he_o tell_v i_o i_o do_v not_o so_o much_o aim_v at_o the_o glory_n of_o god_n as_o at_o that_o happy_a estate_n which_o be_v to_o be_v enjoy_v in_o heaven_n 2._o because_o i_o can_v not_o find_v my_o love_n work_v so_o strong_o towards_o god_n as_o towards_o myself_o desire_v to_o be_v free_v from_o the_o torment_n of_o hell_n which_o i_o conceive_v to_o be_v intolerable_a as_o also_o 3._o find_v sometime_o a_o kind_n of_o secret_a desire_n that_o some_o body_n may_v hear_v or_o know_v of_o my_o performance_n of_o duty_n etc._n etc._n though_o i_o never_o dare_v act_n in_o any_o measure_n so_o as_o that_o it_o may_v be_v discern_v but_o always_o strive_v to_o my_o utmost_a ability_n to_o conceal_v what_o ever_o possible_o i_o may_v yet_o find_v sometime_o some_o such_o desire_n of_o vain_a glory_n in_o my_o spirit_n that_o though_o i_o do_v do_v it_o thus_o private_o yet_o if_o it_o can_v have_v be_v know_v and_o not_o by_o my_o mean_n i_o think_v i_o can_v be_v content_a and_o this_o also_o lay_v as_o a_o heavy_a weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o think_v that_o there_o shall_v such_o wicked_a vain_a and_o sinful_a thought_n and_o desire_n be_v suggest_v to_o i_o or_o for_o anytime_n though_o never_o so_o small_a lodge_v within_o i_o jer._n 4._o 14._o which_o when_o i_o begin_v to_o consider_v sad_o of_o do_v but_o still_o renew_v and_o increase_v my_o trouble_n and_o fear_n be_v a_o discovery_n of_o the_o hypocrisy_n that_o be_v in_o my_o heart_n and_o for_o the_o most_o part_n of_o this_o my_o trouble_n i_o lay_v under_o such_o a_o sense_n of_o the_o wrath_n of_o god_n that_o i_o think_v that_o all_o i_o have_v and_o enjoy_v be_v curse_v to_o i_o often_o admire_v that_o every_o bit_n of_o bread_n i_o eat_v do_v not_o choke_v i_o or_o every_o creature_n do_v not_o put_v a_o end_n to_o my_o life_n often_o fear_v that_o the_o company_n i_o be_v in_o shall_v fare_v the_o worse_a for_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o if_o i_o go_v by_o water_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o conceive_v i_o may_v be_v a_o occasion_n of_o drown_v all_o those_o that_o be_v with_o i_o oh_o how_o desirous_a be_v my_o soul_n at_o this_o time_n of_o the_o help_n and_o counsel_n of_o my_o godly_a wise_a friend_n and_o christian_n but_o through_o many_o and_o sundry_a temptation_n still_o deprive_v myself_o of_o it_o and_o of_o the_o benefit_n i_o may_v have_v gain_v by_o it_o through_o my_o wicked_a silence_n in_o all_o company_n and_o loathness_n to_o impart_v my_o condition_n to_o any_o sometime_o my_o wicked_a corrupt_a heart_n will_v base_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a to_o discourse_v or_o speak_v of_o any_o spiritual_a thing_n and_o therefore_o i_o shall_v but_o only_o thereby_o discover_v my_o own_o ignorance_n and_o no_o way_n advantage_v myself_o etc._n etc._n which_o when_o i_o be_v enable_v still_o to_o consider_v better_o of_o recollect_v my_o thought_n and_o call_v they_o into_o question_n as_o it_o be_v then_o come_v the_o devil_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o this_o do_v but_o note_v my_o hypocrisy_n and_o far_o when_o i_o have_v be_v trouble_v with_o it_o to_o think_v that_o i_o shall_v give_v way_n to_o such_o wicked_a thought_n as_o these_o then_o come_v in_o satan_n again_o on_o the_o other_o side_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o if_o i_o shall_v put_v myself_o forward_o in_o any_o discourse_n i_o shall_v but_o thereby_o cause_v other_o to_o have_v a_o better_a opinion_n of_o i_o than_o indeed_o i_o deserve_v and_o so_o deceive_v other_o and_o delude_v my_o own_o soul_n and_o this_o latter_a temptation_n be_v that_o which_o indeed_o do_v often_o prevail_v with_o i_o be_v ever_o most_o of_o all_o prone_a to_o fear_v the_o delusion_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o so_o esteem_v my_o condition_n to_o be_v better_a than_o it_o be_v this_o go_v on_o in_o this_o way_n of_o wicked_a silence_n make_v many_o of_o my_o christian_a friend_n i_o do_v real_o believe_v not_o know_v what_o to_o think_v of_o i_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v estrange_v from_o i_o which_o i_o soon_o perceive_v it_o be_v a_o most_o heavy_a affliction_n to_o i_o &_o such_o as_o the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n know_v lay_v very_o sad_o upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o in_o any_o measure_n make_v know_v to_o they_o but_o between_o god_n and_o my_o own_o soul_n condole_v this_o my_o miserable_a condition_n then_o be_v to_o remove_v out_o of_o london_n which_o be_v a_o exceed_a trouble_n to_o i_o to_o consider_v how_o we_o shall_v by_o it_o be_v deprive_v of_o those_o mean_n which_o we_o there_o may_v enjoy_v although_o indeed_o neither_o my_o father_n mother_n or_o myself_o can_v enjoy_v our_o health_n there_o and_o remove_v into_o the_o country_n about_o the_o year_n 1647._o i_o find_v the_o ministry_n under_o which_o i_o then_o be_v exceed_o dead_a and_o spiritless_a then_o when_o i_o come_v home_o i_o think_v i_o know_v as_o much_o and_o no_o more_o to_o my_o edification_n in_o that_o condition_n i_o be_v in_o than_o i_o do_v when_o i_o go_v the_o subject_n which_o be_v then_o and_o for_o a_o long_a time_n together_o treat_v on_o be_v that_o scripture_n gen._n 2._o 7._o the_o lord_n breathe_v into_o man_n the_o breath_n of_o life_n and_o man_n become_v a_o live_a soul_n the_o main_a scope_n of_o the_o minister_n be_v to_o show_v what_o the_o natural_a soul_n be_v that_o god_n have_v put_v into_o man_n handle_v it_o as_o i_o conceive_v more_o like_a a_o philosopher_n than_o a_o gospel-preacher_n which_o notional_a thing_n be_v not_o those_o which_o can_v satisfy_v my_o soul_n which_o want_v now_o some_o support_n from_o heaven_n in_o this_o sad_a droop_a condition_n i_o be_v in_o but_o meet_v with_o nothing_o suitable_a to_o my_o present_a estate_n and_o be_v here_o cast_v in_o a_o place_n where_o i_o be_v deprive_v of_o all_o other_o mean_n i_o grow_v still_o into_o a_o more_o sad_a condition_n every_o day_n then_o do_v i_o lie_v under_o a_o very_a sad_a and_o strange_a temptation_n to_o neglect_v the_o ordinance_n of_o preach_v which_o be_v ground_v upon_o the_o pretence_n that_o i_o may_v improve_v my_o time_n at_o home_n to_o my_o more_o spiritual_a advantage_n which_o temptation_n i_o often_o yield_v to_o and_o when_o i_o have_v any_o opportunity_n or_o seem_a excuse_n by_o reason_n of_o any_o small_a bodily_a distemper_n either_o the_o headache_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o take_v those_o occasion_n to_o stay_v at_o home_n and_o so_o yield_v to_o the_o temptation_n and_o thus_o i_o do_v often_o but_o when_o i_o come_v still_o at_o night_n to_o a_o review_n of_o what_o i_o have_v do_v and_o how_o i_o have_v spend_v my_o time_n in_o each_o of_o these_o day_n as_o also_o what_o i_o have_v gain_v i_o find_v it_o to_o be_v so_o little_a through_o one_o temptation_n or_o other_o that_o i_o now_o begin_v to_o conceive_v and_o fear_v that_o it_o be_v only_o a_o temptation_n of_o the_o devil_n to_o bring_v i_o out_o of_o love_n with_o the_o ordinance_n of_o god_n whereupon_o the_o lord_n also_o enable_v i_o to_o begin_v to_o take_v a_o view_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n endeavour_v to_o persuade_v myself_o that_o the_o fault_n be_v only_o in_o i_o and_o that_o sure_o i_o be_v some_o way_n or_o other_o prejudice_v against_o the_o man_n or_o his_o preach_n not_o look_v as_o i_o ought_v to_o the_o power_n of_o god_n which_o be_v able_a to_o bless_v that_o mean_n to_o i_o that_o he_o have_v now_o cast_v i_o under_o contrary_a to_o my_o desire_n and_o that_o it_o be_v therefore_o just_a with_o god_n to_o let_v it_o be_v to_o i_o according_a to_o my_o unbeleef_n whereupon_o i_o begin_v again_o to_o examine_v my_o own_o heart_n whether_o or_o no_o i_o have_v any_o kind_n of_o prejudice_n against_o the_o man_n which_o
spirit_n and_o keep_v it_o from_o utter_a despair_n and_o give_v up_o so_o as_o to_o be_v whole_o of_o satan_n mind_n for_o though_o my_o fear_n and_o trouble_n be_v great_a and_o indeed_o unutterable_a yet_o do_v the_o lord_n so_o secret_o support_v i_o that_o i_o do_v not_o know_v that_o ever_o he_o suffer_v i_o peremptory_o to_o conclude_v that_o i_o shall_v certain_o perish_v as_o satan_n continual_o suggest_v to_o i_o though_o i_o still_o fear_v it_o which_o fear_n be_v so_o great_a that_o they_o come_v well_o nigh_o unto_o despair_n which_o notwithstanding_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o though_o in_o a_o poor_a weak_a and_o low_a measure_n yet_o to_o follow_v he_o still_o often_o tell_v he_o that_o if_o i_o do_v perish_v my_o desire_n be_v to_o perish_v come_v towards_o he_o follow_v of_o he_o and_o beg_a mercy_n from_o he_o then_o in_o the_o year_n 1650._o june_n the_o 28_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o lay_v a_o very_a sad_a and_o heavy_a affliction_n upon_o i_o in_o take_v from_o i_o my_o dear_a and_o precious_a father_n who_o be_v the_o chief_a comfort_n of_o my_o natural_a life_n and_o this_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o do_v it_o in_o so_o sad_a and_o so_o sudden_a a_o manner_n which_o make_v it_o take_v the_o deep_a impression_n upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o indeed_o add_v much_o to_o my_o inward_a as_o well_o as_o my_o outward_a trouble_n be_v also_o accompany_v with_o many_o sad_a temptation_n and_o suggestion_n to_o instance_n in_o one_o to_o two_o it_o be_v strong_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v do_v this_o mere_o in_o just_a judgement_n to_o manifest_v his_o displeasure_n against_o i_o and_o show_v i_o that_o he_o be_v so_o far_o from_o hear_v my_o prayer_n wherein_o i_o do_v often_o much_o beg_v his_o life_n of_o the_o lord_n that_o now_o he_o will_v not_o only_o take_v he_o from_o i_o but_o even_o in_o this_o sad_a severe_a manner_n not_o once_o permit_v he_o to_o speak_v to_o i_o or_o i_o with_o he_o which_o be_v also_o further_o aggravate_v with_o these_o thought_n that_o it_o be_v the_o more_o just_a with_o the_o lord_n thus_o to_o deal_v with_o i_o because_o i_o have_v not_o give_v he_o due_a praise_n for_o such_o a_o mercy_n as_o i_o have_v in_o so_o long_o enjoy_v he_o nor_o yet_o have_v make_v that_o use_n of_o his_o fatherly_a counsel_n and_o advice_n in_o this_o time_n of_o my_o doubt_n and_o fear_n as_o i_o may_v have_v do_v thus_o be_v toss_v to_o and_o fro_o and_o as_o it_o be_v in_o a_o wilderness_n in_o my_o own_o thought_n to_o think_v what_o the_o lord_n mean_v by_o this_o sad_a dispensation_n or_o will_v have_v i_o take_v notice_n of_o at_o the_o last_o desire_v to_o satisfy_v myself_o that_o it_o be_v a_o affliction_n of_o which_o all_o be_v partaker_n and_o that_o to_o be_v without_o affliction_n be_v not_o a_o condition_n of_o sonship_n and_o also_o consider_v that_o it_o be_v no_o other_o for_o the_o matter_n than_o what_o i_o have_v for_o many_o year_n both_o expect_v and_o fear_v and_o indeed_o a_o wonder_n all_o thing_n be_v right_o weigh_v that_o i_o shall_v enjoy_v he_o so_o long_o as_o through_o mercy_n i_o do_v thus_o after_o some_o time_n of_o stubborn_a rebellion_n against_o god_n in_o not_o submit_v quiet_o to_o his_o will_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o at_o the_o last_o to_o begin_v to_o bethink_v myself_o what_o that_o evil_a may_v be_v in_o i_o which_o the_o lord_n have_v now_o strike_v at_o and_o will_v i_o have_v sensible_a of_o by_o this_o his_o deal_n with_o i_o and_o upon_o examination_n find_v nothing_o wherein_o i_o can_v more_o charge_v myself_o than_o in_o immoderate_a affection_n to_o he_o and_o so_o put_v he_o in_o stead_n of_o god_n i_o do_v at_o last_o though_o with_o much_o repulse_n in_o my_o wicked_a spirit_n acknowledge_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n and_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o he_o will_v show_v i_o more_o and_o more_o what_o his_o mind_n and_o meaning_n be_v in_o this_o so_o heavy_a a_o stroke_n and_o that_o as_o he_o have_v now_o by_o his_o own_o immediate_a hand_n bring_v i_o within_o the_o letter_n of_o the_o promise_n be_v now_o fatherless_a that_o he_o will_v also_o make_v it_o good_a to_o i_o in_o reveal_v himself_o to_o be_v a_o father_n to_o i_o in_o jesus_n christ_n and_o thus_o i_o continue_v sometime_o toss_v to_o and_o fro_o with_o divers_a and_o sundry_a temptation_n have_v none_o to_o speak_v a_o word_n of_o comfort_n to_o i_o in_o this_o my_o distress_n i_o make_v none_o acquaint_v with_o this_o my_o condition_n but_o in_o this_o thing_n whole_o yield_v to_o satan_n to_o keep_v all_o to_o myself_o have_v no_o ease_n nor_o vent_v for_o my_o spirit_n but_o only_o when_o i_o be_v in_o any_o measure_n enable_v to_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n in_o which_o my_o spirit_n be_v also_o oftentimes_o much_o bind_v up_o though_o sometime_o again_o enlarge_v then_o about_o 2_o or_o 3_o month_n after_o be_v towards_o the_o end_n of_o september_n 1650._o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o cast_v my_o mother_n as_o also_o myself_o both_o at_o one_o time_n upon_o our_o bed_n of_o sickness_n visit_v we_o with_o very_o strong_a fever_n which_o be_v towards_o winter_n bring_v we_o very_o low_a which_o meet_v with_o the_o inward_a trouble_n of_o my_o spirit_n lie_v very_o sad_o upon_o i_o at_o which_o time_n in_o the_o midst_n of_o all_o my_o weakness_n i_o be_v bring_v to_o this_o resolution_n in_o my_o own_o thought_n be_v toss_v up_o and_o down_o in_o my_o spirit_n as_o well_o as_o in_o my_o body_n so_o that_o now_o i_o do_v no_o long_o desire_v any_o continuance_n of_o this_o natural_a life_n of_o i_o nor_o yet_o promise_v the_o lord_n any_o amendment_n of_o life_n as_o i_o have_v former_o do_v in_o all_o my_o other_o sickness_n though_o i_o can_v never_o make_v good_a any_o of_o these_o promise_n vow_n or_o covenant_n by_o i_o so_o make_v hereupon_o i_o consider_v though_o with_o much_o trouble_n of_o spirit_n that_o i_o have_v find_v by_o sad_a and_o often_o experience_n that_o if_o i_o shall_v live_v never_o so_o long_o i_o shall_v live_v never_o the_o better_a nor_o gain_v any_o more_o assurance_n of_o my_o salvation_n and_o well-being_n therefore_o the_o desire_n of_o life_n be_v now_o whole_o take_v from_o i_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o at_o the_o last_o to_o take_v up_o such_o thought_n as_o these_o that_o from_o the_o bottom_n of_o my_o heart_n i_o do_v and_o have_v for_o a_o long_a time_n desire_v to_o fear_v and_o serve_v the_o lord_n and_o that_o those_o many_o fail_n which_o accompany_v all_o my_o obedience_n be_v the_o burden_n of_o my_o life_n and_o that_o if_o the_o lord_n will_v have_v be_v please_v to_o have_v give_v i_o more_o freedom_n of_o spirit_n and_o set_v my_o soul_n more_o at_o liberty_n to_o have_v walk_v after_o his_o will_n it_o will_v have_v be_v as_o a_o heaven_n upon_o earth_n to_o i_o but_o contrary_o i_o see_v i_o be_v still_o press_v under_o with_o a_o body_n of_o death_n by_o reason_n of_o which_o i_o do_v nothing_o but_o offend_v night_n and_o day_n and_o that_o the_o long_o i_o live_v i_o do_v but_o aggravate_v my_o sin_n and_o condemnation_n i_o do_v therefore_o desire_v power_n to_o cast_v myself_o and_o the_o whole_a weight_n of_o my_o salvation_n upon_o jesus_n christ_n and_o although_o i_o can_v not_o confident_o believe_v that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v good_a to_o i_o yet_o i_o see_v that_o there_o be_v no_o salvation_n any_o where_o else_o and_o therefore_o do_v desire_n to_o rely_v whole_o upon_o he_o acknowledge_v that_o i_o deserve_v nothing_o but_o hell_n and_o that_o if_o ever_o he_o bestow_v any_o thing_n else_o upon_o i_o it_o be_v infinite_a unspeakable_a mercy_n thus_o i_o continue_v for_o many_o day_n often_o long_v for_o the_o time_n of_o my_o dissolution_n wherein_o i_o shall_v sin_v and_o dishonour_n god_n no_o more_o which_o both_v myself_o and_o other_o about_o i_o think_v not_o to_o be_v far_o off_o yet_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v after_o some_o few_o weak_n in_o some_o measure_n to_o raise_v up_o my_o weak_a body_n which_o be_v nigh_o unto_o the_o dust_n and_o after_o some_o time_n to_o go_v on_o by_o degree_n perfect_v of_o my_o health_n all_o which_o time_n be_v accompany_v with_o many_o a_o sad_a thought_n my_o trouble_n still_o increase_v as_o fast_o as_o my_o bodily_a health_n at_o the_o last_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o turn_v my_o thought_n upon_o those_o expression_n of_o david_n in_o psal_n 42._o 5_o 11._o wherein_o he_o call_v his_o soul_n to_o account_v say_v why_o be_v thou_o cast_v down_o o_o my_o soul_n and_o
why_o be_v thou_o disquiet_v within_o i_o hope_v thou_o in_o god_n the_o lord_n set_v this_o home_n with_o much_o power_n upon_o my_o spirit_n at_o this_o time_n have_v be_v all_o the_o winter_n deprive_v of_o the_o enjoy_n of_o any_o public_a mean_n the_o lord_n i_o say_v set_v this_o scripture_n so_o home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n i_o begin_v at_o last_o to_o reason_n thus_o with_o myself_o and_o to_o demand_v of_o my_o soul_n the_o reason_n of_o this_o my_o trouble_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v also_o to_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o view_n of_o some_o sermon_n of_o mr._n marshal_n and_o other_o which_o i_o have_v former_o hear_v some_o expression_n in_o they_o be_v bring_v to_o my_o mind_n wherein_o i_o find_v several_a answer_n to_o many_o thing_n which_o i_o allege_v as_o the_o ground_n of_o my_o trouble_n i_o be_v also_o by_o the_o lord_n i_o hope_v put_v upon_o a_o review_n of_o that_o little_a book_n call_v the_o marrow_n of_o modern_a divinity_n which_o i_o have_v former_o read_v with_o much_o tremble_a with_o a_o secret_a persuasion_n in_o my_o heart_n that_o those_o be_v real_a truth_n though_o former_o i_o neither_o can_v nor_o dare_v full_o close_a with_o they_o which_o two_o mean_n do_v through_o the_o blessing_n of_o god_n at_o the_o present_a somewhat_o settle_v and_o quiet_v my_o turmoil_v spirit_n then_o in_o the_o begin_n of_o the_o year_n 1651._o go_v into_o the_o country_n and_o stay_n about_o a_o month_n within_o 4_o or_o 5_o mile_n where_o mr._n stevens_n exercise_v have_v hear_v of_o he_o i_o have_v a_o great_a desire_n to_o hear_v he_o which_o also_o i_o do_v 3_o or_o 4_o time_n with_o much_o content_n he_o be_v one_o of_o those_o time_n upon_o gal._n 3._o 8._o the_o scripture_n foresee_v that_o god_n will_v justify_v the_o heathen_a through_o faith_n etc._n etc._n where_o he_o show_v we_o full_o that_o god_n do_v not_o justify_v the_o righteous_a but_o even_a heathen_n ungodly_a man_n which_o word_n add_v somewhat_o to_o my_o comfort_n only_o i_o can_v not_o say_v i_o have_v faith_n and_o this_o stumble_v i_o again_o then_o come_v to_o colechester_n and_o rest_v only_o one_o lord_n day_n there_o i_o hear_v mr._n archer_n who_o by_o the_o providence_n of_o god_n be_v then_o upon_o that_o scripture_n in_o joh._n 16._o 8._o where_o the_o lord_n promise_v to_o send_v the_o spirit_n &_o that_o it_o shall_v convince_v the_o world_n of_o sin_n and_o of_o righteousness_n where_o he_o full_o show_v that_o it_o be_v the_o office_n of_o the_o spirit_n to_o convince_v humble_a sinner_n of_o a_o all-sufficient_a righteousness_n in_o jesus_n christ_n thereupon_o still_o labour_v to_o take_v man_n off_o from_o all_o dependence_n upon_o their_o own_o righteousness_n or_o any_o thing_n in_o they_o or_o do_v by_o they_o which_o i_o now_o find_v i_o have_v be_v very_o guilty_a of_o tell_v we_o also_o that_o all_o those_o duty_n grace_n or_o qualification_n that_o we_o so_o rest_v upon_o be_v not_o the_o righteousness_n of_o christ_n etc._n etc._n therefore_o too_o scant_o and_o narrow_a to_o cover_v any_o soul_n at_o which_o time_n i_o must_v needs_o say_v i_o do_v real_o believe_v that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o strike_v the_o first_o and_o great_a blow_n to_o dependence_n on_o my_o own_o act_n although_o i_o have_v yet_o much_o confusion_n and_o trouble_n in_o my_o spirit_n concern_v this_o thing_n be_v yet_o very_o dark_a in_o the_o understanding_n of_o it_o but_o in_o this_o short_a time_n of_o my_o be_v in_o the_o country_n the_o lord_n have_v in_o some_o measure_n thus_o begin_v as_o it_o be_v to_o speak_v a_o word_n of_o comfort_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n i_o be_v strange_o in_o my_o own_o thought_n i_o hope_v by_o the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n put_v upon_o the_o desire_n of_o communion_n with_o the_o people_n of_o god_n according_a to_o the_o gospel_n and_o so_o upon_o the_o search_n of_o the_o scripture_n according_a to_o my_o poor_a measure_n to_o that_o end_n accompany_v with_o the_o experience_n i_o former_o have_v of_o that_o way_n call_v the_o presbytery_n which_o i_o be_v now_o very_a much_o unsatisfied_a in_o which_o dissatisfaction_n be_v at_o the_o present_a only_o ground_v upon_o the_o practice_n of_o they_o who_o walk_v in_o that_o way_n find_v they_o general_o so_o full_a of_o wrath_n bitterness_n clamour_n and_o evil_a speak_v even_o of_o brethren_n which_o i_o conceive_v not_o to_o be_v a_o gospel-frame_n of_o spirit_n compare_v with_o those_o who_o practise_v the_o contrary_n which_o be_v much_o set_v upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o be_v more_o sweet_a humble_a and_o christian_n like_a as_o also_o a_o way_n for_o more_o growth_n and_o establishment_n be_v more_o full_a of_o love_n which_o the_o gospel_n be_v so_o full_a of_o and_o watch_v over_o one_o another_o etc._n etc._n which_o i_o now_o see_v i_o stand_v in_o great_a need_n of_o and_o therefore_o much_o desire_v find_v my_o spirit_n then_o much_o draw_v out_o to_o seek_v the_o lord_n direction_n in_o it_o beseech_v he_o more_o and_o more_o to_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o in_o what_o way_n of_o worship_n i_o may_v most_o honour_v he_o and_o meet_v with_o and_o enjoy_v most_o of_o he_o as_o also_o when_o and_o where_o i_o may_v so_o join_v beg_v of_o he_o also_o with_o much_o and_o earnest_a desire_n to_o fit_v i_o for_o it_o then_o come_v home_o again_o my_o trouble_n renew_v to_o think_v how_o my_o lot_n be_v cast_v in_o such_o a_o place_n where_o i_o have_v little_a society_n that_o i_o can_v reap_v any_o benefit_n from_o and_o under_o his_o ministry_n which_o i_o continual_o find_v very_o unprofitable_a to_o i_o at_o last_o make_v this_o know_v to_o a_o friend_n how_o dissatisfy_v i_o be_v to_o hear_v he_o she_o advise_v i_o to_o go_v hear_v mr._n knight_n which_o according_o i_o do_v about_o midsummer_n 1651._o who_o through_o the_o assistance_n of_o god_n do_v full_o lay_v open_a the_o free_a and_o abundant_a grace_n of_o god_n to_o poor_a creature_n who_o see_v their_o lose_a and_o undo_v condition_n out_o of_o christ_n through_o who_o ministry_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o go_v on_o to_o convince_v i_o yet_o far_o and_o more_o full_o of_o my_o great_a unbeleef_n and_o deafness_n to_o jesus_n christ_n which_o have_v wrought_v so_o many_o sad_a trouble_n upon_o my_o spirit_n be_v convince_v of_o which_o i_o will_v glad_o have_v close_v with_o jesus_n christ_n and_o rely_v upon_o he_o have_v nothing_o to_o say_v against_o it_o but_o only_o my_o own_o wretchedness_n which_o be_v so_o often_o and_o full_o by_o he_o answer_v i_o have_v at_o last_o nothing_o to_o say_v but_o only_o that_o i_o be_v so_o overpower_a with_o unbelief_n that_o though_o i_o will_v have_v close_v with_o jesus_n christ_n glad_o and_o with_o all_o my_o soul_n yet_o i_o neither_o dare_v nor_o can_v do_v it_o as_o i_o then_o think_v then_o have_v hear_v of_o the_o meeting_n at_o mr._n knight_n house_n we_o go_v thither_o towards_o the_o end_n of_o aug._n 1651._o be_v about_o a_o week_n before_o the_o fight_n at_o worcester_n at_o which_o time_n they_o apply_v themselves_o much_o to_o speak_v to_o the_o present_a condition_n of_o the_o nation_n and_o the_o godly_a in_o it_o but_o after_o some_o time_n frequent_v this_o meeting_n and_o find_v much_o refreshment_n and_o satisfaction_n from_o it_o about_o a_o month_n or_o two_o at_o the_o most_o after_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o draw_v out_o my_o spirit_n exceed_o to_o spread_v my_o condition_n before_o the_o lord_n and_o also_o crave_v the_o prayer_n of_o his_o people_n in_o that_o meeting_n in_o the_o behalf_n of_o my_o trouble_a soul_n and_o according_o though_o with_o much_o repulse_n in_o myself_o i_o write_v a_o paper_n wherein_o i_o do_v acknowledge_v before_o the_o lord_n that_o have_v be_v convince_v of_o my_o wretched_a condition_n i_o do_v thereupon_o labour_n and_o strive_v to_o walk_v more_o close_o with_o the_o lord_n etc._n etc._n which_o be_v no_o way_n able_a to_o accomplish_v i_o dare_v not_o believe_v or_o go_v to_o god_n as_o a_o father_n but_o be_v in_o some_o measure_n convince_v that_o i_o be_v all_o this_o while_n out_o of_o the_o way_n not_o be_v yet_o thorough_o convince_v of_o the_o righteousness_n of_o christ_n but_o go_v about_o too_o much_o to_o establish_v my_o own_o righteousness_n i_o do_v then_o desire_v their_o prayer_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o reveal_v more_o of_o his_o mind_n and_o will_n in_o jesus_n christ_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o enable_v i_o to_o deny_v myself_o and_o rely_v whole_o upon_o he_o and_o have_v a_o fit_a opportunity_n of_o privacy_n come_v there_o before_o any_o other_o company_n i_o lay_v it_o down_o upon_o the_o table_n and_o it_o
please_v the_o lord_n so_o to_o order_v it_o mr._n knight_n be_v absent_a mr._n barker_n come_v in_o that_o day_n who_o be_v altogether_o unknown_a to_o i_o who_o take_v a_o view_n of_o this_o paper_n among_o other_o do_v mention_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n both_o in_o the_o entrance_n as_o also_o in_o the_o close_a of_o that_o day_n service_n the_o lord_n put_v into_o his_o heart_n and_o mouth_n a_o very_a seasonable_a word_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n which_o be_v then_o speak_v from_o 2_o pet._n 2._o 3_o 4_o 5._o if_o so_o be_v that_o you_o have_v taste_v that_o the_o lord_n be_v gracious_a to_o who_o come_v as_o live_a stone_n dissallow_v indeed_o of_o man_n but_o choose_v of_o god_n and_o precious_a etc._n etc._n from_o which_o scripture_n and_o what_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o he_o at_o that_o time_n to_o communicate_v from_o it_o do_v my_o soul_n receive_v very_o much_o refreshment_n and_o satisfaction_n then_o do_v the_o lord_n also_o direct_v the_o spirit_n of_o those_o that_o carry_v on_o that_o meeting_n to_o treat_v much_o about_o temptation_n from_o which_o there_o be_v many_o seasonable_a useful_a truth_n set_v home_o upon_o my_o heart_n find_v by_o this_o discourse_n that_o scripture_n in_o 1_o cor._n 10._o 13._o plain_o make_v good_a to_o my_o poor_a soul_n that_o no_o temptation_n have_v take_v i_o but_o such_o as_o i_o now_o see_v be_v common_a to_o other_o that_o i_o dare_v not_o think_v but_o to_o be_v the_o people_n of_o god_n now_o hear_v they_o complain_v of_o the_o same_o thing_n which_o together_o with_o the_o refreshment_n and_o support_a consideration_n under_o each_o of_o these_o which_o be_v hold_v out_o to_o we_o be_v my_o poor_a droop_a spirit_n mighty_o support_v after_o this_o it_o please_v the_o lord_n also_o to_o direct_v they_o in_o this_o meeting_n to_o treat_v about_o that_o great_a grace_n of_o faith_n and_o so_o afterward_o to_o answer_v many_o doubt_n and_o fear_n that_o lay_v upon_o many_o soul_n from_o all_o which_o be_v too_o large_a here_o to_o relate_v my_o soul_n receive_v very_o much_o refresh_v be_v in_o the_o close_a of_o that_o service_n put_v again_o upon_o it_o by_o the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n through_o these_o his_o servant_n to_o put_v the_o question_n to_o my_o soul_n at_o every_o turn_n doubt_v whence_o come_v thou_o or_o wherefore_o do_v thou_o doubt_v and_o true_o the_o lord_n have_v speak_v so_o much_o to_o my_o soul_n by_o all_o these_o mean_n and_o instrument_n former_o mention_v that_o the_o strength_n of_o my_o doubt_n and_o fear_n begin_v so_o to_o scatter_v that_o i_o can_v give_v very_o little_a account_n of_o the_o cause_n or_o ground_n of_o they_o be_v also_o now_o convince_v in_o some_o measure_n that_o i_o do_v by_o these_o doubt_n fear_n jealousy_n and_o hard_a thought_n of_o god_n much_o provoke_v and_o dishonour_v he_o so_o that_o though_o former_o i_o think_v it_o as_o it_o be_v a_o virtue_n in_o i_o to_o be_v doubt_v and_o question_v my_o estate_n i_o come_v now_o in_o some_o measure_n through_o grace_n to_o see_v that_o it_o be_v a_o heinous_a sin_n and_o therefore_o to_o endeavour_v strive_v and_o pray_v and_o do_v all_o i_o can_v against_o they_o yet_o do_v often_o i_o lie_v under_o many_o sad_a apprehension_n arise_v hence_o be_v convince_v by_o the_o word_n in_o read_v in_o one_o of_o mr._n burrows_n book_n that_o there_o be_v no_o worship_n acceptable_a to_o god_n but_o that_o which_o be_v tender_v up_o to_o he_o as_o a_o father_n and_o the_o father_n of_o our_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n now_o i_o not_o find_v myself_o able_a at_o that_o time_n to_o look_v upon_o god_n or_o look_v up_o to_o he_o under_o this_o relation_n of_o a_o father_n only_o look_v upon_o he_o as_o a_o gracious_a merciful_a and_o yet_o withal_o a_o just_a severe_a god_n this_o be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o my_o spirit_n than_o do_v the_o lord_n by_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n dispense_v by_o mr._n knight_n at_o the_o chapel_n at_o hammersmith_n put_v i_o upon_o the_o serious_a thought_n of_o that_o scripture_n in_o jer._n 3._o 1_o 4_o 12_o 13_o 14_o 15_o 19_o vers_fw-la which_o at_o that_o time_n take_v much_o upon_o my_o heart_n in_o this_o particular_a have_v no_o power_n to_o gainsay_v the_o duty_n require_v in_o it_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n dispense_v by_o mr._n knight_n and_o sometime_o some_o other_o to_o come_v in_o further_o carry_v on_o this_o work_n that_o he_o have_v thus_o begin_v in_o my_o soul_n enable_v i_o daily_o more_o and_o more_o to_o grow_v up_o towards_o a_o more_o full_a assurance_n and_o confident_a roll_v upon_o and_o give_v up_o my_o whole_a soul_n to_o jesus_n christ_n give_v i_o bodily_a to_o see_v more_o and_o more_o my_o own_o emptiness_n &_o nothingness_n &_o the_o conrinual_a need_n i_o stand_v in_o of_o he_o without_o who_o i_o now_o see_v that_o i_o be_v nothing_o have_v nothing_o and_o can_v have_v nothing_o but_o only_a sin_n as_o also_o that_o fullness_n that_o be_v in_o he_o together_o with_o a_o readiness_n to_o give_v forth_o and_o communicate_v out_o of_o it_o to_o poor_a creature_n who_o see_v the_o need_n they_o have_v of_o it_o and_o come_v to_o he_o for_o it_o which_o i_o now_o desire_v above_o all_o thing_n strength_n to_o do_v and_o that_o i_o may_v go_v whole_o out_o of_o myself_o and_o come_v to_o he_o for_o life_n then_o hear_v that_o mr._n knight_n and_o some_o few_o christian_n more_o be_v about_o gather_v into_o a_o communion_n together_o i_o be_v much_o rejoice_v in_o spirit_n at_o it_o suppose_v that_o happy_o the_o lord_n may_v please_v to_o make_v it_o a_o mercy_n to_o i_o if_o i_o can_v but_o see_v he_o clear_v up_o my_o way_n and_o open_v a_o door_n for_o i_o to_o join_v with_o they_o which_o work_n seem_v for_o a_o time_n to_o go_v on_o in_o their_o desire_n and_o intention_n yet_o there_o be_v much_o fear_n arise_v in_o my_o spirit_n concern_v it_o how_o i_o shall_v be_v enable_v to_o make_v out_o my_o condition_n so_o as_o that_o i_o may_v be_v approve_v of_o be_v full_a of_o ebbing_n and_o flow_n sometime_o hope_v a_o little_a and_o sometime_o again_o full_a of_o fear_n thus_o be_v at_o a_o great_a stand_n in_o myself_o not_o know_v what_o to_o do_v but_o often_o seek_v the_o lord_n concern_v it_o who_o be_v please_v at_o last_o to_o enable_v i_o to_o take_v up_o this_o resolution_n that_o through_o his_o grace_n assist_v of_o i_o i_o will_v put_v it_o upon_o the_o trial_n rely_v upon_o he_o to_o enable_v i_o to_o make_v out_o what_o himself_o have_v wrought_v in_o my_o soul_n though_o in_o much_o weakness_n yet_o i_o hope_v in_o truth_n and_o this_o i_o be_v the_o more_o willing_a unto_o that_o scripture_n or_o rule_n of_o the_o apostle_n be_v then_o much_o set_v upon_o the_o heart_n in_o the_o 1_o pet._n 3._o 15._o be_v ready_a always_o to_o give_v a_o answer_n to_o every_o man_n that_o ask_v you_o a_o reason_n of_o the_o hope_n that_o be_v in_o you_o with_o meekness_n and_o fear_n and_o though_o i_o be_v very_o sensible_a of_o my_o own_o disability_n hereunto_o yet_o rather_o than_o to_o deprive_v myself_o of_o such_o a_o benefit_n i_o be_v enable_v in_o some_o measure_n to_o submit_v yet_o not_o without_o many_o fear_n and_o that_o strong_a one_o too_o that_o i_o shall_v not_o be_v accept_v of_o the_o lord_n now_o enable_v i_o to_o take_v up_o these_o thought_n that_o i_o will_v through_o his_o assistance_n do_v my_o duty_n and_o offer_v myself_o and_o if_o the_o lord_n shall_v so_o order_v the_o spirit_n of_o his_o people_n to_o deny_v i_o i_o do_v desire_v to_o see_v his_o mind_n and_o to_o expect_v strength_n from_o he_o to_o submit_v to_o his_o will_n manite_v through_o it_o acknowledge_v it_o no_o more_o nor_o so_o much_o as_o i_o have_v deserve_v consider_v with_o all_o that_o my_o desire_n be_v chief_o and_o in_o the_o first_o place_n to_o approve_v myself_o to_o the_o lord_n and_o if_o he_o see_v it_o good_a to_o his_o people_n also_o but_o if_o otherwise_o my_o desire_n be_v though_o i_o know_v not_o how_o i_o shall_v be_v enable_v to_o do_v it_o yet_o however_o to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n and_o follow_v he_o still_o until_o he_o shall_v see_v good_a to_o make_v out_o a_o way_n for_o i_o then_o be_v there_o a_o day_n keep_v to_o seek_v the_o lord_n on_o the_o behalf_n of_o mrs._n arnal_a which_o by_o providence_n i_o hear_v of_o and_o have_v a_o desire_n to_o be_v at_o which_o according_o i_o do_v at_o which_o time_n my_o spirit_n be_v much_o stir_v up_o to_o crave_v the_o prayer_n of_o the_o people_n of_o god_n that_o
experience_n to_o be_v a_o god_n hear_v prayer_n for_o i_o find_v he_o now_o also_o as_o i_o hope_v i_o may_v to_o his_o glory_n speak_v come_v in_o very_o much_o as_o it_o be_v fit_v i_o for_o this_o mercy_n by_o give_v in_o out_o of_o his_o own_o free_a grace_n to_o his_o poor_a unworthy_a creature_n yet_o a_o more_o full_a and_o clear_a sight_n of_o his_o work_n upon_o my_o soul_n and_o so_o of_o my_o interest_n in_o he_o by_o mean_n whereof_o i_o may_v now_o the_o more_o comfortable_o offer_v up_o myself_o into_o the_o communion_n of_o his_o people_n without_o a_o sight_n of_o which_o i_o shall_v hardly_o i_o think_v have_v presume_v to_o have_v do_v which_o work_n of_o his_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o help_v on_o by_o several_a of_o his_o servant_n in_o mr._n knight_n absence_n as_o mr._n sidrach_n simpson_n and_o mr._n rogers_n who_o he_o be_v please_v to_o make_v instrumental_a for_o my_o soul_n advantage_n and_o comfort_n at_o this_o time_n which_o the_o lord_n thus_o carry_v on_o until_o it_o be_v towards_o the_o end_n of_o the_o seven_o month_n common_o call_v september_n in_o this_o year_n 1652._o at_o which_o time_n mr._n knight_n be_v return_v home_o and_o remove_n to_o fulham_n where_o the_o lord_n open_v a_o door_n for_o his_o people_n to_o join_v in_o communion_n together_o according_a to_o the_o gospel_n the_o lord_n now_o offer_v i_o this_o opportunity_n which_o i_o have_v so_o much_o long_v for_o and_o his_o servant_n mr._n knight_n to_o who_o i_o have_v former_o by_o a_o other_o friend_n intimate_v my_o desire_n he_o i_o say_v acquaint_v i_o with_o it_o i_o dare_v not_o rash_o deny_v to_o join_v with_o they_o but_o what_o fear_n and_o tremble_n there_o be_v upon_o my_o spirit_n at_o this_o time_n be_v know_v only_o to_o the_o lord_n for_o indeed_o i_o be_o not_o able_a to_o express_v it_o in_o which_o trouble_n my_o refuge_n as_o former_o be_v only_o to_o go_v to_o the_o lord_n beseech_v and_o earnest_o importune_v he_o now_o to_o appear_v and_o give_v in_o direction_n to_o his_o poor_a creature_n who_o be_v now_o in_o such_o a_o straight_a as_o that_o she_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v but_o so_o far_o as_o i_o know_v my_o own_o heart_n lean_v alone_o upon_o the_o lord_n and_o wait_v for_o his_o direction_n i_o go_v to_o the_o place_n appoint_v to_o meet_v in_o not_o know_v what_o i_o shall_v do_v in_o it_o take_v little_a or_o no_o rest_n all_o the_o night_n before_o but_o come_v there_o next_o morning_n and_o be_v still_o much_o oppress_v in_o spirit_n in_o the_o turn_n of_o a_o eye_n as_o it_o be_v i_o can_v not_o express_v how_o or_o which_o way_n my_o spirit_n be_v on_o a_o sudden_a wrought_v over_o to_o give_v my_o consent_n and_o so_o to_o join_v with_o they_o they_o be_v as_o they_o conceive_v well_o satisfy_v in_o the_o long_a knowledge_n they_o have_v have_v of_o each_o other_o and_o their_o frequent_a converse_v together_o some_o whereof_o be_v in_o order_n to_o this_o very_a work_n which_o have_v be_v much_o desire_v by_o those_o few_o person_n that_o then_o join_v and_o they_o so_o long_o interrupt_v and_o have_v put_v up_o many_o petition_n to_o the_o throne_n of_o grace_n concern_v it_o mr._n barker_n be_v then_o present_a and_o carry_v the_o intend_a work_n by_o prayer_n and_o counsel_n we_o join_v together_o in_o the_o fellowship_n of_o the_o gospel_n but_o this_o work_n be_v not_o perform_v in_o so_o solemn_a a_o manner_n as_o i_o for_o my_o part_n can_v have_v desire_v both_o in_o set_v more_o time_n a_o part_n to_o seek_v the_o lord_n together_o in_o it_o and_o to_o have_v endeavour_v to_o have_v give_v more_o full_a satisfaction_n to_o each_o other_o of_o the_o work_n of_o god_n in_o each_o other_o heart_n which_o lie_v as_o a_o burden_n upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o i_o often_o bewail_v before_o the_o lord_n and_o also_o move_v it_o to_o some_o of_o our_o friend_n that_o we_o may_v yet_o meet_v and_o set_v a_o part_n a_o day_n to_o this_o end_n which_o be_v not_o think_v meet_v at_o that_o time_n upon_o which_o i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n it_o may_v be_v no_o hindrance_n to_o his_o appearance_n among_o we_o for_o my_o spirit_n be_v oppress_v with_o fear_n of_o god_n not_o appear_v in_o the_o midst_n of_o we_o which_o fear_n be_v at_o the_o present_a heighten_v from_o the_o mighty_a rage_n of_o satan_n in_o the_o spirit_n of_o many_o yea_o of_o some_o good_a man_n at_o this_o our_o first_o entrance_n into_o communion_n lay_v many_o harsh_a censure_n upon_o we_o which_o still_o put_v i_o upon_o a_o more_o narrow_a search_n into_o my_o own_o heart_n thus_o see_v the_o rage_n of_o some_o against_o we_o to_o be_v very_o great_a and_o tremble_v in_o myself_o to_o think_v lest_o we_o by_o our_o miscarriage_n may_v give_v they_o some_o ground_n to_o speak_v evil_a of_o we_o it_o wrought_v a_o great_a sadness_n upon_o my_o spirit_n fear_v lest_o we_o may_v be_v a_o occasion_n of_o darken_n his_o glory_n to_o the_o world_n which_o cause_v i_o often_o to_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n to_o the_o lord_n beseech_v he_o that_o if_o he_o have_v any_o delight_n in_o we_o he_o will_v be_v please_v to_o afford_v we_o his_o presence_n but_o in_o the_o very_a depth_n of_o these_o fear_n do_v the_o lord_n by_o a_o mere_a providence_n as_o i_o be_v open_v mr._n burroughs_n book_n cast_v my_o eye_n unexpected_o upon_o the_o 13_o p._n of_o the_o right_a manner_n of_o draw_v nigh_o to_o god_n in_o worship_n where_o i_o find_v this_o note_n that_o the_o beginning_n of_o thing_n of_o high_a concernment_n do_v meet_v sometime_o with_o great_a difficulty_n and_o interruption_n which_o he_o give_v some_o instance_n of_o and_o so_o advise_v we_o not_o to_o be_v offend_v though_o we_o shall_v have_v some_o sad_a accident_n to_o fall_v out_o at_o the_o begin_n of_o great_a thing_n for_o say_v he_o notwithstanding_o this_o god_n may_v yet_o prosper_v it_o afterward_o the_o serious_a consideration_n whereof_o do_v at_o the_o present_a a_o little_a refresh_v my_o spirit_n and_o support_v it_o with_o a_o desire_n to_o wait_v to_o see_v what_o the_o lord_n will_v please_v to_o bring_v out_o of_o it_o thus_o have_v for_o about_o 3_o month_n space_n enjoy_v the_o ordinance_n and_o the_o society_n of_o his_o servant_n and_o thereupon_o begin_v to_o examine_v my_o own_o heart_n what_o fruit_n or_o benefit_n i_o have_v find_v by_o they_o it_o lay_v somewhat_o sad_o upon_o my_o spirit_n for_o be_v able_a to_o discern_v very_o little_a then_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v by_o a_o letter_n from_o mr._n rogers_n to_o hand_n out_o something_o which_o for_o the_o present_a do_v a_o little_a support_n and_o cheer_v my_o spirit_n therein_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o consideration_n of_o this_o truth_n that_o a_o christian_a growth_n be_v not_o at_o all_o time_n sensible_a neither_o do_v the_o lord_n see_v it_o meet_v they_o shall_v always_o grow_v in_o one_o kind_n but_o that_o they_o grow_v in_o all_o part_n as_o well_o in_o humility_n and_o self_n abasement_n and_o in_o the_o sight_n of_o our_o own_o weakness_n barrenness_n and_o unprofitableness_n etc._n etc._n which_o be_v as_o true_a a_o growth_n as_o that_o of_o faith_n though_o not_o always_o so_o visible_a yet_o some_o trouble_n still_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n want_v a_o full_a and_o clear_a sight_n of_o my_o interest_n in_o christ_n which_o as_o yet_o i_o have_v only_o some_o good_a hope_n of_o but_o no_o such_o settle_a assurance_n but_o that_o i_o be_v often_o totter_v backward_o and_o forward_o the_o lord_n have_v formal_o and_o continual_o through_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n dispense_v often_o by_o mr._n knight_n and_o very_o powerful_o to_o that_o end_n and_o sometime_o also_o by_o mr._n simpson_n by_o both_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v strong_o to_o convince_v i_o of_o the_o dishonour_n that_o i_o have_v bring_v he_o by_o my_o unbeleef_n which_o be_v now_o the_o great_a burden_n of_o my_o soul_n but_o find_v much_o weakness_n of_o faith_n in_o i_o and_o a_o inability_n to_o roll_n so_o full_o upon_o god_n and_o give_v glory_n to_o he_o by_o believe_v and_o take_v he_o upon_o his_o word_n etc._n etc._n often_o fear_v that_o sin_n and_o satan_n will_v yet_o prevail_v over_o i_o but_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v about_o the_o 10_o month_n 1652._o to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n exceed_o to_o beg_v of_o he_o a_o large_a measure_n of_o faith_n even_o that_o i_o may_v be_v enable_v to_o honour_v he_o as_o much_o by_o believe_v as_o ever_o i_o have_v dishonour_v he_o through_o unbeleef_n but_o this_o same_o month_n i_o have_v this_o wicked_a thought_n or_o temptation_n throw_v with_o mighty_a force_n
into_o my_o spirit_n to_o beat_v i_o off_o from_o that_o pitch_n of_o faith_n which_o i_o then_o find_v my_o spirit_n breathe_v after_o viz._n that_o where_o the_o lord_n give_v such_o great_a strength_n of_o faith_n or_o any_o other_o grace_n he_o give_v also_o as_o great_a trial_n and_o that_o therefore_o if_o i_o have_v the_o one_o i_o must_v expect_v the_o other_o also_o and_o so_o shall_v not_o only_o be_v a_o mean_n to_o pull_v down_o sorrow_n affliction_n and_o trial_n upon_o my_o own_o head_n but_o also_o in_o lie_v under_o they_o and_o so_o sad_o dishonour_n god_n as_o now_o i_o do_v which_o at_o the_o present_a do_v somewhat_o take_v of_o the_o edge_n of_o my_o affection_n and_o weaken_v my_o former_a desire_n until_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o discover_v to_o i_o that_o it_o be_v a_o mere_a temptation_n whether_o from_o satan_n or_o my_o own_o heart_n my_o deceitful_a but_o subtle_a enemy_n to_o scare_v i_o with_o such_o fear_n which_o temptation_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o to_o overcome_v with_o grief_n that_o i_o shall_v in_o the_o least_o parley_n with_o it_o and_o again_o to_o renew_v my_o former_a desire_n and_o withal_o to_o beg_v his_o continual_a presence_n with_o i_o in_o all_o whatever_o trial_n and_o condition_n he_o shall_v bring_v i_o under_o that_o he_o will_v keep_v i_o from_o dishonour_v he_o under_o they_o and_o manifest_v himself_o to_o i_o through_o they_o and_o then_o to_o do_v with_o i_o as_o seem_v he_o good_a a_o few_o day_n after_o as_o i_o be_v one_o evening_n write_v a_o letter_n unto_o a_o dear_a kinswoman_n of_o i_o who_o at_o that_o time_n lie_v under_o some_o sad_a dispensation_n from_o the_o lord_n whereupon_o i_o take_v occasion_n to_o urge_v that_o promise_n upon_o she_o in_o rom._n 8._o 28._o and_o we_o know_v that_o all_o thing_n work_v together_o for_o good_a to_o they_o that_o love_n god_n etc._n etc._n which_o while_o i_o be_v endeavour_v to_o press_v upon_o she_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o cause_v it_o to_o fall_v with_o mighty_a power_n upon_o my_o heart_n which_o be_v set_v home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n not_o only_o as_o that_o which_o i_o shall_v rest_v upon_o and_o expect_v the_o performance_n of_o but_o as_o that_o which_o i_o have_v have_v much_o experience_n through_o all_o the_o deal_n of_o god_n with_o i_o to_o have_v be_v continual_o make_v good_a so_o that_o the_o experience_n which_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v i_o of_o his_o deal_n with_o my_o soul_n for_o many_o year_n in_o all_o the_o affliction_n and_o exercise_n i_o have_v lyen_fw-we under_o whether_o in_o body_n or_o mind_n in_o loss_n of_o relation_n or_o comfort_n etc._n etc._n yea_o the_o very_a withhold_n â—he_v light_a of_o god_n face_n which_o be_v life_n itself_o â—_o do_v testify_v to_o the_o truth_n of_o this_o word_n have_v be_v all_o of_o they_o by_o the_o lord_n bring_v and_o wrought_v about_o for_o my_o good_a the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o cleave_v the_o close_a to_o himself_o and_o take_v the_o fast_o hold_v of_o he_o from_o the_o consideration_n of_o all_o which_o there_o fall_v this_o far_a hint_n with_o some_o weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n that_o it_o shall_v also_o be_v even_o so_o with_o i_o in_o respect_n of_o those_o corruption_n that_o i_o be_v still_o pester_v with_o and_o groan_v under_o but_o there_o be_v yet_o especial_o at_o some_o time_n many_o confuse_a fear_n upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o i_o can_v give_v very_o little_a reason_n for_o upon_o the_o second_o day_n of_o the_o eleven_o month_n 1652._o be_v the_o first_o day_n of_o the_o week_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v yet_o further_o to_o appear_v with_o a_o very_a seasonable_a word_n to_o my_o soul_n which_o do_v much_o refresh_v it_o it_o be_v thus_o mr._n knight_n be_v in_o the_o afternoon_n in_o his_o ministry_n at_o fulham_n upon_o that_o scripture_n in_o heb._n 2._o 1_o 2_o 3._o stir_v we_o up_o to_o hearken_v diligent_o to_o jesus_n christ_n and_o not_o to_o let_v any_o of_o his_o word_n at_o any_o timeslip_n out_o of_o our_o heart_n whence_o also_o he_o take_v occasion_n to_o comfort_v the_o people_n of_o god_n upon_o this_o account_n that_o christ_n shall_v think_v their_o ear_n worthy_a of_o hear_v his_o voice_n &_o that_o he_o shall_v not_o always_o send_v his_o messenger_n nor_o make_v use_n of_o instrument_n but_o shall_v often_o rather_o as_o it_o be_v choose_v to_o speak_v himsel_n at_o which_o word_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o touch_v my_o heart_n and_o to_o make_v it_o sweet_o to_o melt_v before_o he_o with_o joy_n to_o think_v that_o christ_n shall_v thus_o speak_v to_o my_o soul_n as_o i_o now_o see_v he_o have_v do_v by_o he_o 2_o year_n before_o who_o when_o he_o have_v visit_v i_o with_o that_o sore_a loss_n of_o my_o dear_a parent_n and_o cast_v i_o and_o my_o mother_n both_o upon_o our_o sick_a bed_n neither_o of_o we_o be_v able_a to_o speak_v to_o each_o other_o yea_o when_o no_o friend_n or_o creature_n either_o can_v or_o do_v endeavour_v to_o speak_v a_o word_n of_o comfort_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n which_o be_v in_o a_o most_o sad_a condition_n for_o want_n of_o a_o clear_a sight_n of_o god_n under_o all_o these_o dispensation_n of_o his_o towards_o i_o who_o have_v as_o it_o be_v by_o his_o own_o hand_n as_o i_o now_o real_o believe_v he_o do_v shut_v up_o and_o stop_v all_o other_o mouth_n yet_o that_o now_o the_o lord_n jesus_n shall_v choose_v to_o speak_v himself_o as_o i_o find_v he_o have_v do_v in_o some_o measure_n support_v my_o spirit_n which_o be_v ready_a to_o sink_v and_o give_v up_o under_o the_o heavy_a burden_n it_o lay_v both_o of_o the_o sense_n of_o guilt_n and_o wrath_n all_o which_o be_v put_v together_o oh_o how_o do_v the_o sight_n of_o his_o love_n both_o melt_v and_o cheer_v my_o heart_n then_o do_v the_o lord_n also_o the_o next_o day_n be_v the_o second_o day_n of_o the_o same_o week_n bring_v to_o my_o mimd_n and_o thought_n those_o word_n that_o be_v record_v of_o job_n in_o job_n 9_o 11._o which_o after_o i_o have_v pause_v a_o little_a upon_o contrary_a to_o my_o intention_n or_o thought_n i_o go_v on_o still_o read_v though_o but_o in_o a_o brief_a quick_a way_n be_v straighten_v of_o time_n for_o it_o be_v late_o in_o the_o evening_n but_o i_o take_v a_o view_n of_o the_o whole_a book_n of_o job_n until_o i_o come_v to_o the_o end_n of_o it_o and_o the_o thing_n in_o general_a that_o be_v hint_v to_o i_o and_o fall_v upon_o my_o spirit_n from_o the_o whole_a be_v this_o that_o none_o of_o all_o job_n friend_n who_o endeavour_v to_o speak_v to_o he_o can_v neither_o hint_n out_o a_o word_n of_o comfort_n or_o of_o conviction_n to_o he_o in_o this_o sad_a estate_n none_o of_o all_o their_o word_n take_v hold_v at_o all_o upon_o his_o spirit_n until_o god_n himself_o come_v to_o speak_v and_o then_o one_o word_n of_o god_n do_v it_o make_v he_o cry_v out_o job_n 40._o 45._o behold_v i_o be_o vile_a what_o shall_v i_o answer_v thou_o i_o will_v lay_v my_o hand_n upon_o my_o mouth_n once_o have_v i_o speak_v but_o i_o will_v not_o answer_v yea_o twice_o but_o i_o will_v proceed_v no_o further_o and_o again_o job_n 42._o 5_o 6._o i_o have_v hear_v of_o thou_o by_o the_o hear_n of_o the_o ear_n but_o now_o my_o eye_n see_v thou_o therefore_o i_o abhor_v myself_o and_o repent_v in_o dust_n and_o ash_n that_o be_v as_o i_o conceive_v when_o god_n speak_v which_o cause_v i_o strong_o to_o reflect_v upon_o my_o own_o heart_n thereby_o call_v to_o mind_n how_o many_o instruction_n conviction_n and_o comfort_n have_v be_v from_o time_n to_o time_n for_o many_o year_n pass_v by_o several_a friend_n and_o servant_n of_o god_n hold_v out_o to_o i_o which_o never_o take_v any_o hold_n at_o all_o upon_o my_o spirit_n but_o when_o god_n himself_o will_v take_v in_o hand_n to_o speak_v he_o can_v bring_v thing_n past_a and_o go_v quite_o back_o again_o as_o he_o do_v the_o sun_n upon_o it_o he_o dial_n of_o ahaz_n 2_o king_n 22._o 11._o and_o bring_v they_o fresh_a into_o memory_n and_o cause_n the_o soul_n to_o see_v his_o hand_n and_o work_v in_o all_o and_o so_o to_o abhor_v itself_o for_o those_o abominable_a unbelieved_a thought_n and_o jealousy_n of_o god_n that_o have_v be_v upon_o its_o heart_n when_o as_o the_o lord_n have_v as_o it_o be_v take_v all_o opportunity_n to_o beget_v in_o the_o soul_n good_a and_o honourable_a thought_n of_o he_o then_o hear_v this_o same_o night_n that_o mr._n simpson_n be_v next_o morning_n be_v the_o three_o day_n of_o this_o week_n to_o begin_v his_o lecture_n in_o friday_n street_n
here_o i_o must_v needs_o say_v that_o though_o our_o pastor_n speak_v much_o to_o this_o purpose_n and_o that_o sweet_o a_o while_n since_o from_o 2_o cor._n 6._o 2._o behold_v now_o be_v the_o acceptable_a time_n behold_v now_o be_v the_o day_n of_o salvation_n yet_o do_v it_o not_o take_v upon_o my_o heart_n in_o that_o way_n as_o these_o few_o hint_n do_v for_o the_o lord_n have_v not_o then_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n in_o those_o manifestation_n of_o love_n as_o he_o do_v afterward_o and_o how_o ever_o these_o scripture_n do_v chief_o refer_v as_o i_o conceive_v to_o the_o time_n of_o the_o gospel_n and_o god_n love_v to_o the_o soul_n of_o man_n in_o bring_v of_o they_o home_o to_o himself_o yet_o that_o truth_n which_o be_v at_o this_o time_n chief_o set_v upon_o my_o heart_n be_v from_o the_o consideration_n of_o this_o present_a hint_n of_o time_n wherein_o the_o lord_n through_o his_o rich_a grace_n in_o my_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n have_v be_v please_v to_o cause_v his_o face_n to_o shine_v upon_o my_o soul_n the_o very_a next_o day_n be_v the_o 13_o of_o this_o month_n in_o the_o morning_n when_o i_o be_v awake_v as_o i_o lie_v in_o my_o bed_n i_o have_v that_o scripture_n in_o luk._n 13._o 11._o bring_v fresh_a to_o my_o mind_n of_o that_o woman_n who_o satan_n have_v bow_v these_o eighteen_o year_n vers_fw-la 16._o who_o christ_n loose_v with_o a_o persuasion_n before_o ever_o i_o begin_v to_o count_v it_o that_o the_o time_n of_o my_o thraldom_n under_o satan_n and_o sin_n will_v run_v parallel_n with_o this_o as_o also_o my_o condition_n for_o say_v the_o text_n she_o have_v a_o spirit_n of_o infirmity_n and_o be_v bow_v together_o so_o as_o she_o can_v in_o no_o wise_a lift_n up_o herself_o and_o true_o thus_o i_o find_v it_o have_v be_v with_o i_o for_o many_o year_n i_o have_v be_v bind_v by_o satan_n under_o unbelief_n and_o the_o corruption_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o so_o bow_v together_o as_o i_o can_v in_o no_o wise_a lift_n up_o myself_o so_o as_o to_o give_v glory_n to_o god_n by_o believe_v and_o as_o for_o the_o time_n when_o i_o come_v to_o count_v it_o from_o the_o first_o time_n that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o touch_v my_o heart_n with_o a_o sight_n and_o sense_n of_o my_o wretched_a condition_n and_o thereupon_o to_o occasion_v much_o trouble_n of_o spirit_n which_o be_v as_o i_o conceive_v about_o the_o year_n 1635._o which_o reckon_v until_o the_o end_n of_o the_o year_n 1652_o which_o be_v the_o first_o time_n that_o ever_o the_o lord_n do_v upon_o real_a solid_a ground_n speak_v any_o abide_a word_n of_o comfort_n to_o i_o and_o so_o in_o any_o measure_n lose_v i_o from_o those_o band_n and_o i_o do_v find_v it_o to_o be_v just_a 18_o year_n this_o same_o morning_n also_o a_o little_a while_n after_o there_o fall_v a_o other_o scripture_n upon_o my_o heart_n which_o i_o find_v record_v in_o psal_n 129._o 1_o 2._o many_o a_o time_n have_v they_o afflict_v i_o from_o my_o youth_n may_v i_o srael_v now_o say_v many_o a_o time_n have_v they_o affict_v i_o from_o my_o youth_n yet_o have_v they_o not_o prevail_v against_o i_o and_o have_v it_o not_o be_v thus_o with_o my_o soul_n many_o a_o time_n have_v it_o be_v afflict_a with_o temptation_n and_o corruption_n but_o through_o mercy_n they_o have_v not_o yet_o total_o prevail_v over_o i_o there_o be_v also_o two_o other_o scripture_n immediate_o after_o this_o set_v upon_o my_o heart_n this_o morning_n as_o first_o that_o in_o psal_n 34._o 6._o this_o poor_a man_n cry_v and_o the_o lord_n hear_v he_o and_o save_v he_o out_o of_o all_o his_o trouble_n even_o so_o this_o poor_a soul_n of_o i_o have_v cry_v unto_o the_o lord_n in_o my_o fear_n and_o he_o have_v bless_v be_v his_o name_n hear_v i_o and_o gracious_o deliver_v i_o out_o of_o all_o the_o fear_n and_o trouble_n that_o ever_o yet_o lay_v upon_o i_o and_o to_o back_o this_o for_o the_o future_a there_o be_v immediate_o that_o scripture_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n in_o joh._n 5._o 19_o he_o shall_v deliver_v thou_o in_o six_o trouble_n yea_o in_o seven_o there_o shall_v no_o evil_n touch_v thou_o the_o meditation_n whereof_o be_v exceed_v sweet_a to_o my_o soul_n but_o whilst_o my_o soul_n lie_v under_o these_o enjoyment_n from_o the_o lord_n which_o for_o a_o time_n even_o swallow_v up_o my_o heart_n in_o the_o admiration_n of_o he_o yet_o notwithstanding_o sudden_o after_o find_v my_o heart_n exceed_o straighten_v to_o bliss_n and_o praise_v the_o name_n of_o this_o my_o god_n in_o such_o a_o manner_n and_o measure_n as_o my_o soul_n desire_v for_o all_o these_o wonderful_a appearance_n to_o i_o i_o have_v this_o persuasion_n strong_o dart_v into_o i_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v some_o sharp_a affliction_n sudden_o to_o lay_v upon_o i_o which_o i_o be_v full_o possess_v with_o expectation_n of_o which_o cause_v i_o to_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n beseech_v he_o to_o fit_v i_o for_o it_o and_o sanctify_v it_o unto_o i_o what_o ever_o it_o shall_v be_v not_o know_v in_o what_o way_n or_o manner_n for_o to_o expect_v it_o apprehend_v it_o to_o be_v some_o sore_a stroke_n than_o a_o little_a bodily_a affliction_n and_o because_o i_o apprehend_v that_o the_o sad_a outward_a affliction_n that_o can_v come_v to_o i_o be_v the_o part_n with_o my_o dear_a mother_n i_o do_v therefore_o straightway_o apprehend_v this_o will_v be_v the_o trial_n at_o the_o thought_n of_o which_o i_o be_v at_o the_o present_a somewhat_o startle_v but_o within_o a_o few_o day_n on_o the_o 23_o of_o this_o eleven_o month_n be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o visit_v my_o poor_a body_n with_o much_o bodily_a distemper_n which_o seize_v so_o upon_o my_o vital_a spirit_n and_o so_o overpoured_n they_o which_o together_o with_o other_o distemper_n lay_v somewhat_o heavy_a upon_o the_o flesh_n in_o and_o under_o which_o if_o i_o know_v my_o own_o heart_n the_o great_a part_n of_o my_o trouble_n be_v that_o i_o can_v not_o find_v out_o what_o the_o mind_n of_o the_o lord_n be_v in_o it_o in_o which_o inquiry_n there_o be_v some_o thing_n the_o which_o be_v then_o present_v to_o i_o as_o the_o ground_n of_o it_o as_o for_o instance_n the_o first_o thing_n that_o be_v dart_v into_o i_o be_v that_o the_o lord_n do_v it_o to_o put_v a_o stop_n to_o i_o in_o this_o very_a act_n of_o record_v the_o love_n of_o the_o lord_n to_o my_o soul_n who_o have_v carry_v i_o as_o upon_o eagle_n wing_n and_o as_o it_o be_v set_v i_o aloft_o exod._n 19_o 4._o so_o as_o no_o affliction_n or_o dispensation_n have_v be_v able_a to_o do_v i_o hurt_v but_o have_v bear_v yea_o forbear_v i_o and_o carry_v i_o all_o the_o day_n of_o old_a as_o he_o do_v his_o people_n israel_n notwithstanding_o all_o my_o rebellion_n esa_n 63._o 9_o 10_o 12_o 15_o 16._o and_o this_o suggestion_n for_o aught_o i_o know_v may_v come_v even_o from_o satan_n himself_o though_o i_o confess_v it_o be_v present_v upon_o a_o very_a fair_a account_n insinuate_v into_o i_o that_o it_o be_v out_o of_o the_o pride_n of_o my_o spirit_n which_o put_v i_o upon_o this_o action_n which_o cause_v my_o soul_n to_o make_v its_o address_n to_o the_o lord_n beseech_v he_o to_o search_v i_o and_o try_v my_o heart_n and_o my_o reins_n and_o withal_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o if_o there_o be_v any_o such_o corruption_n in_o the_o bottom_n which_o be_v not_o yet_o discover_v to_o i_o that_o he_o will_v be_v please_v to_o reveal_v it_o and_o so_o put_v a_o stop_n to_o i_o in_o any_o act_n whatsoever_o upon_o any_o such_o account_n and_o though_o upon_o the_o strict_a search_n and_o inquiry_n that_o i_o be_v able_a to_o make_v into_o my_o own_o heart_n i_o can_v find_v little_a ground_n why_o i_o shall_v altogether_o conclude_v with_o satan_n in_o this_o yet_o the_o very_a fear_n of_o it_o do_v for_o the_o space_n of_o half_a a_o year_n at_o least_o if_o i_o mistake_v not_o cause_v this_o work_n to_o cease_v until_o it_o be_v again_o set_v with_o some_o weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n as_o that_o which_o may_v make_v for_o the_o glory_n of_o my_o lord_n and_o perhaps_o though_o weak_o stammer_v out_o his_o praise_n when_o i_o shall_v be_v gather_v into_o into_o my_o dust_n who_o be_v so_o unable_a to_o speak_v it_o out_o in_o my_o life_n and_o this_o i_o both_o do_v and_o do_v the_o rather_o believe_v to_o proceed_v from_o satan_n the_o great_a enemy_n of_o soul_n because_o i_o find_v the_o saint_n through_o the_o scripture_n so_o ready_a to_o declare_v what_o great_a thing_n the_o lord_n have_v do_v for_o their_o soul_n psal_n 34._o 2._o
&_o 66._o 16._o 1_o tim._n 1._o 13_o 14_o 15_o 16._o act._n 22._o there_o be_v also_o sudden_o after_o this_o present_v to_o i_o as_o one_o thing_n that_o the_o lord_n may_v aim_v at_o in_o this_o touch_n of_o he_o even_o to_o mind_n i_o that_o i_o have_v not_o that_o degree_n of_o compassion_n or_o fellow_n feel_v as_o i_o ought_v of_o that_o affliction_n which_o in_o some_o respect_n in_o the_o same_o kind_n though_o in_o a_o great_a degree_n lie_v upon_o our_o sister_n arnat_a by_o reason_n of_o a_o great_a fever_n and_o doubtless_o there_o may_v be_v something_o in_o this_o though_o i_o shall_v also_o wrong_v myself_o shall_v i_o not_o acknowledge_v much_o and_o continue_a work_v in_o my_o heart_n for_o and_o towards_o she_o which_o oft_o occasion_v i_o to_o spread_v her_o condition_n before_o the_o lord_n according_a to_o my_o poor_a measure_n but_o upon_o the_o 25_o of_o this_o 11_o month_n in_o the_o night_n i_o have_v little_a or_o no_o rest_n by_o reason_n of_o the_o great_a distemper_n which_o lie_v upon_o i_o and_o real_o i_o do_v not_o well_o know_v whether_o the_o distemper_n of_o my_o body_n or_o my_o mind_n be_v the_o great_a but_o both_o meeting_n it_o lay_v somewhat_o heavy_a upon_o the_o flesh_n which_o think_v itself_o ready_a to_o give_v up_o under_o it_o but_o my_o thought_n be_v continual_o work_v i_o find_v in_o my_o spirit_n a_o great_a natural_a reluctancy_n against_o death_n which_o seem_v at_o time_n as_o it_o be_v to_o approach_v often_o think_v that_o it_o be_v not_o possible_a in_o natural_a reason_n that_o i_o can_v continue_v until_o morning_n yet_o say_v i_o nothing_o for_o fear_v of_o affright_v my_o mother_n yet_o have_v i_o also_o between_o time_n a_o great_a desire_n together_o with_o a_o kind_n of_o persuasion_n that_o for_o all_o this_o i_o shall_v be_v enable_v to_o hear_v mr._n knight_n next_o morning_n who_o turn_n it_o be_v to_o preach_v at_o the_o chapel_n at_o fulham_n thus_o i_o say_v find_v in_o my_o spirit_n some_o kind_n of_o reluctancy_n at_o death_n of_o which_o consider_v a_o little_a it_o be_v that_o corruption_n which_o i_o think_v have_v now_o be_v in_o some_o good_a measure_n crucify_v but_o find_v it_o still_o to_o work_v up_o be_v no_o small_a trouble_n to_o i_o which_o together_o with_o many_o other_o fear_n that_o lay_v upon_o my_o spirit_n as_o that_o i_o shall_v not_o be_v enable_v to_o sanctify_v the_o name_n of_o god_n or_o honour_v he_o under_o this_o affliction_n which_o be_v indeed_o the_o ground_n of_o my_o trouble_n at_o the_o approach_n of_o death_n and_o if_o i_o know_v my_o heart_n in_o any_o measure_n that_o only_o which_o i_o resolve_v in_o myself_o to_o declare_v to_o some_o friend_n i_o shall_v meet_v at_o fulham_n next_o day_n if_o the_o lord_n shall_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o to_o go_v and_o so_o beg_v their_o remembrance_n at_o the_o throne_n of_o grace_n but_o be_v enable_v to_o consider_v better_o of_o it_o i_o be_v give_v to_o see_v that_o it_o be_v nothing_o but_o a_o mere_a temptation_n to_o distrust_v the_o power_n and_o love_n of_o god_n to_o think_v as_o if_o he_o shall_v now_o bring_v i_o into_o that_o condition_n that_o he_o will_v not_o carry_v i_o through_o whereupon_o i_o be_v enable_v to_o gather_v up_o my_o spirit_n a_o little_a and_o in_o some_o better_a measure_n to_o submit_v to_o the_o hand_n and_o will_n of_o my_o father_n which_o i_o be_v now_o assure_v shall_v certain_o end_v in_o his_o glory_n and_o my_o good_a and_o to_o this_o end_n i_o be_v now_o also_o enable_v again_o to_o call_v over_o that_o bless_a promise_n in_o rom._n 8._o 28._o that_o all_o thing_n shall_v work_v yea_o work_v together_o for_o good_a to_o they_o that_o love_n god_n etc._n etc._n which_o promise_n i_o have_v often_o find_v by_o experience_n have_v be_v make_v good_a to_o my_o soul_n and_o be_v therefore_o much_o trouble_v that_o any_o distrustful_a thought_n shall_v arise_v in_o i_o concern_v it_o divers_z other_o promise_n also_o before_o mention_v be_v now_o bring_v to_o my_o mind_n and_o wrought_v afresh_o upon_o my_o heart_n which_o do_v exceed_o refresh_v my_o spirit_n so_o that_o the_o first_o refreshment_n which_o i_o find_v be_v in_o my_o spirit_n and_o after_o that_o be_v a_o little_a quiet_v i_o have_v a_o little_a short_a slumber_n and_o do_v the_o lord_n so_o far_o mitigate_v my_o bodily_a distemper_n as_o that_o it_o do_v not_o hinder_v i_o from_o that_o bless_a opportunity_n next_o day_n though_o accompany_v with_o much_o bodily_a weakness_n but_o upon_o the_o 2_o day_n of_o the_o 12_o month_n 1652._o i_o find_v my_o distemper_n of_o body_n much_o abate_v in_o so_o much_o as_o i_o think_v it_o be_v now_o quite_o go_v but_o that_o very_a night_n be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o return_v yea_o to_o heighten_v it_o constrain_a i_o to_o keep_v house_n certain_a day_n whereby_o i_o perceive_v that_o this_o work_n upon_o my_o soul_n be_v not_o yet_o accomplish_v nor_o i_o full_o acquaint_v with_o his_o mind_n and_o will_n in_o it_o which_o be_v some_o trouble_n to_o i_o whereupon_o i_o again_o beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o acquaint_v i_o with_o his_o mind_n and_o will_n in_o it_o and_o to_o sanctify_v it_o unto_o i_o give_v i_o a_o heart_n to_o submit_v to_o whatsoever_o he_o have_v yet_o further_o to_o lay_v upon_o i_o in_o which_o i_o also_o seek_v the_o prayer_n of_o his_o people_n upon_o the_o 6_o of_o this_o month_n but_o upon_o the_o seven_o day_n of_o this_o month_n providence_n offer_v some_o occasion_n whereby_o i_o be_v put_v upon_o the_o thought_n of_o part_v with_o my_o aunt_n dogget_n who_o be_v upon_o remove_n into_o the_o country_n with_o many_o thought_n there_o about_o which_o be_v now_o bring_v to_o my_o mind_n which_o occasion_v such_o a_o heavyness_n to_o possess_v my_o spirit_n upon_o other_o account_n also_o which_o come_v in_o to_o add_v to_o the_o other_o in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o be_v even_o as_o it_o be_v overwhelm_v with_o it_o until_o i_o be_v enable_v to_o vent_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n at_o which_o time_n he_o be_v please_v to_o discover_v to_o i_o that_o this_o be_v mere_o to_o return_v as_o it_o be_v from_o the_o lord_n to_o the_o creature_n for_o comfort_n and_o support_v as_o if_o he_o be_v not_o able_a abundant_o to_o make_v up_o in_o himself_o the_o want_n of_o such_o a_o comfort_n and_o relation_n if_o he_o see_v meet_v to_o deprive_v i_o of_o it_o the_o thought_n of_o which_o do_v much_o grieve_v i_o then_o do_v the_o lord_n also_o show_v i_o how_o i_o have_v continual_o provoke_v he_o in_o this_o kind_n by_o lean_v upon_o such_o poor_a reed_n and_o dige_v to_o myself_o such_o poor_a pit_n such_o break_a cistern_n as_o can_v indeed_o hold_v no_o water_n and_o in_o the_o mean_a time_n too_o much_o neglect_v he_o the_o fountain_n of_o live_a water_n jer._n 2._o 13._o yea_o while_o i_o be_v thus_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o lament_v my_o miserable_a and_o wretched_a folly_n he_o be_v please_v also_o to_o cast_v my_o thought_n upon_o that_o part_n of_o scripture_n i_o find_v record_v in_o 1_o king_n 11._o 9_o how_o the_o lord_n be_v angry_a with_o solomon_n because_o his_o heart_n be_v turn_v from_o the_o lord_n god_n of_o israel_n which_o have_v appear_v to_o he_o twice_o even_o so_o i_o see_v the_o lord_n have_v just_a cause_n to_o be_v angry_a with_o i_o that_o i_o shall_v thus_o again_o return_v to_o the_o creature_n and_o as_o it_o be_v make_v a_o god_n of_o it_o yea_o after_o such_o eminent_a appearance_n of_o his_o to_o my_o soul_n the_o same_o day_n do_v the_o lord_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n that_o severe_a threaten_n against_o moab_n who_o have_v be_v at_o ease_n from_o his_o youth_n and_o be_v settle_v on_o his_o lees_n who_o have_v not_o be_v empty_v from_o vessel_n to_o vessel_n neither_o have_v go_v into_o captivity_n and_o therefore_o his_o taste_n remain_v in_o he_o and_o his_o scent_n be_v not_o change_v jer._n 48._o 11_o now_o find_v this_o give_v by_o the_o spirit_n of_o god_n as_o the_o reason_n why_o his_o scent_n remain_v even_o because_o he_o have_v not_o be_v empty_v etc._n etc._n i_o can_v not_o but_o stand_v and_o wonder_n what_o reason_n can_v be_v give_v of_o the_o corruption_n in_o my_o heart_n who_o the_o lord_n have_v not_o leave_v at_o ease_n but_o have_v often_o empty_v from_o vessel_n to_o vessel_n as_o it_o be_v try_v always_o and_o mean_v with_o i_o and_o yet_o that_o i_o shall_v still_o savour_v so_o much_o of_o the_o earth_n and_o of_o the_o old_a man_n and_o shall_v still_o so_o incline_v to_o depend_v upon_o a_o arm_n of_o flesh_n 2_o chron._n 32._o
8._o jer._n 17._o 5._o and_o not_o the_o rock_n of_o age_n the_o next_o morning_n as_o i_o lie_v in_o my_o bed_n i_o have_v a_o secret_a persuasion_n dart_v into_o i_o that_o the_o lord_n be_v even_o now_o answer_v a_o great_a desire_n of_o my_o soul_n that_o i_o have_v often_o yea_o a_o long_a time_n desire_v that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o search_v and_o try_v my_o reins_o and_o my_o heart_n and_o to_o reveal_v it_o to_o my_o soul_n that_o i_o may_v see_v what_o be_v in_o the_o bottom_n of_o my_o heart_n even_o as_o he_o see_v it_o and_o that_o to_o that_o end_n he_o will_v please_v to_o turn_v the_o very_a inside_n of_o my_o heart_n outward_a and_o anatomize_v it_o before_o my_o eye_n and_o sure_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v a_o long_a time_n yea_o for_o many_o year_n empty_v i_o from_o vessel_n to_o vessel_n and_o turn_v i_o as_o it_o be_v upside_o down_o lay_v i_o under_o variety_n of_o condition_n and_o dispensation_n sometime_o under_o mercy_n sometime_o affliction_n sometime_o one_o affliction_n sometime_o a_o other_o sometime_o under_o scoff_v scorn_n injury_n wrong_n from_o near_a relation_n sometime_o sickness_n weakness_n pain_n bodily_a trial_n spiritual_a exercise_n under_o the_o power_n of_o corruption_n and_o temptation_n of_o all_o sort_n and_o in_o all_o condition_n and_o i_o hope_v his_o end_n be_v in_o and_o by_o all_o to_o purge_v away_o my_o dregs_o yea_o i_o hope_v he_o be_v now_o in_o this_o present_a affliction_n make_v a_o discovery_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n too_o show_v i_o how_o apt_a it_o be_v to_o depart_v from_o the_o live_a god_n and_o to_o seek_v fullness_n of_o contentment_n and_o satisfaction_n in_o poor_a empty_a thing_n which_o the_o lord_n grant_v i_o may_v so_o see_v as_o never_o more_o to_o pursue_v after_o they_o then_o do_v the_o lord_n the_o sixteenth_o of_o this_o 12._o month_n 1652._o be_v the_o four_o day_n of_o the_o week_n and_o our_o pastor_n turn_v to_o preach_v seasonable_o back_v this_o former_a conviction_n which_o lie_v upon_o my_o heart_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v that_o day_n both_o through_o he_o as_o also_o by_o his_o own_o spirit_n to_o speak_v many_o seasonable_a word_n to_o my_o soul_n show_v i_o that_o indeed_o the_o true_a reason_n why_o i_o have_v wander_v so_o long_o in_o a_o vast_a howl_a wilderness_n without_o the_o clear_a sight_n of_o his_o bless_a face_n which_o as_o he_o now_o show_v i_o be_v because_o i_o have_v not_o indeed_o give_v up_o myself_o to_o the_o guidance_n and_o lead_n of_o jesus_n christ_n but_o will_v be_v gad_v about_o to_o find_v my_o own_o way_n and_o path_n of_o my_o own_o jer._n 2._o 33_o 36._o and_o therefore_o it_o be_v just_a with_o god_n to_o deal_v with_o i_o as_o he_o do_v with_o israel_n of_o old_a and_o bring_v i_o back_o again_o cause_v i_o with_o sorrow_n to_o unravel_v all_o that_o i_o have_v do_v and_o acknowledge_v it_o to_o be_v my_o folly_n and_o madness_n to_o think_v to_o find_v the_o path_n of_o life_n and_o glory_n by_o any_o act_n of_o my_o own_o without_o a_o clear_a go_v out_o of_o myself_o and_o by_o faith_n lay_v hold_n upon_o the_o righteousness_n of_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n only_o yea_o as_o israel_n of_o old_a upon_o every_o new_a straight_o difficulty_n or_o danger_n still_o fall_v to_o murmur_v against_o the_o lord_n and_o against_o his_o servant_n even_o so_o be_v it_o with_o my_o wretched_a heart_n how_o ready_a be_v it_o upon_o every_o occasion_n or_o dispensation_n of_o god_n to_o i_o to_o repine_v murmur_n and_o cry_v out_o why_o be_v it_o thus_o with_o i_o sure_o if_o he_o have_v any_o love_n to_o i_o it_o will_v not_o etc._n etc._n yea_o as_o they_o do_v many_o of_o they_o in_o their_o heart_n return_v back_o again_o into_o egypt_n after_o god_n have_v most_o eminent_o appear_v to_o they_o and_o go_v before_o they_o and_o with_o they_o even_o thus_o i_o see_v it_o be_v with_o my_o wretched_a heart_n oh_o how_o ready_a be_v it_o still_o to_o return_v back_o to_o the_o creature_n for_o comfort_n etc._n etc._n yea_o with_o demas_n to_o return_v again_o to_o this_o present_a world_n too_o much_o and_o that_o after_o such_o appearance_n of_o god_n to_o i_o do_v not_o the_o lord_n ever_o and_o anon_o put_v i_o in_o mind_n and_o stir_v i_o and_o show_v i_o what_o be_v in_o my_o heart_n yea_o as_o israel_n in_o their_o murmur_a discontent_n cry_v out_o will_v god_n we_o have_v dye_v in_o egypt_n even_o so_o do_v my_o wretched_a heart_n see_v the_o difficulty_n and_o danger_n which_o i_o apprehend_v do_v attend_v the_o way_n to_o heaven_n and_o therefore_o fear_v i_o shall_v fall_v short_a and_o be_v overcome_v of_o satan_n one_o time_n or_o other_o and_o so_o bring_v to_o hell_n for_o my_o sin_n in_o a_o murmur_a repine_a way_n at_o the_o various_a administration_n of_o god_n to_o i_o often_o wish_v will_v god_n i_o have_v dye_v in_o the_o womb_n and_o as_o they_o for_o this_o murmur_a be_v cause_v to_o wander_v in_o the_o wilderness_n until_o their_o carcase_n be_v waste_v away_o and_o never_o suffer_v to_o possess_v that_o good_a land_n or_o see_v it_o many_o of_o they_o even_o so_o how_o just_o may_v the_o lord_n have_v deal_v thus_o with_o i_o and_o have_v cause_v i_o to_o wander_v in_o this_o vast_a desolate_a wilderness_n in_o myself_o until_o not_o only_o my_o body_n which_o in_o a_o great_a measure_n do_v but_o until_o my_o very_a soul_n shall_v pine_v away_o in_o i_o but_o that_o ever_o the_o lord_n shall_v give_v such_o a_o unworthy_a wretch_n any_o sight_n of_o that_o good_a land_n to_o see_v those_o bunch_n of_o grape_n etc._n etc._n that_o be_v there_o in_o abundance_n and_o to_o have_v any_o small_a taste_n of_o they_o oh_o the_o riches_n of_o that_o grace_n how_o unsearchable_a and_o unfadomeable_a be_v this_o love_a kindness_n and_o mercy_n these_o and_o many_o other_o sweet_a discovety_n of_o himself_o and_o of_o my_o own_o heart_n be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o give_v forth_o into_o my_o soul_n this_o day_n both_o by_o his_o word_n and_o spirit_n show_v i_o my_o madness_n and_o folly_n in_o not_o stay_v in_o all_o my_o way_n to_o see_v christ_n go_v before_o i_o and_o guide_v and_o lead_v i_o but_o run_v before_o he_o upon_o way_n of_o my_o own_o which_o the_o lord_n have_v just_o and_o righteous_o yea_o i_o hope_v in_o the_o great_a mercy_n blast_v to_o i_o which_o the_o lord_n grant_n may_v never_o more_o be_v see_v in_o or_o find_v do_v by_o i_o then_o upon_o the_o three_o day_n of_o the_o first_o month_n 1653._o be_v a_o day_n set_v apart_o by_o the_o parliament_n for_o a_o public_a fast_o throughout_o the_o commonwealth_n mr._n knight_n and_o mr._n smalwood_n with_o one_o more_o keep_v the_o day_n at_o fulham_n mr._n smalwood_n begin_v the_o day_n and_o show_v we_o that_o it_o be_v prophesy_v concern_v christ_n that_o he_o shall_v come_v as_o a_o warrior_n among_o the_o gentile_n and_o that_o the_o chief_a seat_n of_o this_o his_o spiritual_a war_n to_o let_v go_v that_o of_o his_o providential_a kingdom_n be_v in_o the_o heart_n of_o his_o people_n there_o be_v the_o seat_n of_o the_o great_a opposition_n against_o he_o show_v we_o that_o the_o principal_a thing_n that_o man_n set_v up_o in_o his_o heart_n against_o christ_n be_v his_o own_o righteousness_n &_o therefore_o christ_n will_v come_v to_o wage_v war_n in_o that_o heart_n where_o this_o be_v seat_v and_o set_v up_o against_o he_o which_o through_o grace_n give_v i_o a_o sight_n clear_o of_o the_o true_a reason_n of_o all_o those_o combustion_n hurry_v fright_n and_o tumult_n in_o my_o heart_n for_o many_o year_n together_o that_o it_o be_v because_o christ_n be_v come_v there_o as_o a_o warrior_n to_o pull_v down_o those_o fortification_n that_o i_o be_v make_v to_o keep_v he_o out_o to_o wit_n my_o strive_v and_o endeavour_v might_n and_o main_n to_o set_v up_o my_o own_o righteousness_n too_o much_o and_o bless_v for_o ever_o be_v that_o grace_n that_o thus_o many_o way_n both_o prevent_v it_o and_o also_o go_v on_o discover_v the_o evil_a of_o it_o to_o i_o many_o sweet_a refreshment_n also_o be_v hint_v out_o to_o my_o soul_n this_o day_n by_o the_o lord_n through_o this_o his_o servant_n which_o come_v in_o with_o such_o mighty_a power_n upon_o my_o heart_n as_o that_o i_o can_v but_o record_v they_o have_v now_o thus_o show_v we_o where_o it_o be_v that_o this_o seat_n of_o this_o war_n of_o christ_n be_v he_o then_o come_v afterward_o to_o show_v what_o kind_n of_o war_n he_o do_v thus_o wage_v in_o the_o heart_n of_o his_o people_n which_o he_o open_v to_o be_v the_o same_o that_o he_o wage_v
may_v have_v cause_n to_o praise_v he_o even_o to_o all_o eternity_n for_o this_o unspeakable_a mercy_n this_o latter_a be_v write_v in_o the_o behalf_n of_o one_o in_o near_a relation_n afterward_o it_o be_v exceed_o set_v upon_o my_o heart_n not_o to_o do_v it_o only_o in_o his_o behalf_n but_o also_o in_o the_o behalf_n of_o other_o poor_a dark_a soul_n in_o relation_n to_o i_o may_v the_o 4._o oh_o my_o soul_n must_v thou_o not_o needs_o acknowledge_v the_o lord_n a_o god_n hear_v the_o very_a groan_n of_o thy_o soul_n before_o they_o be_v effectual_o put_v up_o put_v in_o at_o the_o very_a time_n a_o seasonable_a word_n into_o the_o mouth_n of_o his_o servant_n suit_v to_o thy_o trouble_n and_o fear_n support_v thy_o spirit_n under_o they_o abundant_o and_o do_v not_o the_o lord_n that_o same_o day_n may_v 4._o by_o a_o letter_n that_o as_o soon_o as_o i_o come_v home_o come_v to_o my_o hand_n give_v my_o soul_n great_a hope_n of_o a_o begin_v work_n upon_o that_o poor_a soul_n which_o come_v as_o it_o be_v as_o a_o fresh_a return_n of_o prayer_n this_o very_a person_n be_v in_o my_o heart_n in_o these_o desire_n that_o be_v then_o put_v up_o may_v 21._o the_o lord_n be_v please_v one_o evening_n very_o much_o to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n to_o beg_v his_o appearance_n to_o my_o soul_n in_o every_o ordinance_n in_o a_o more_o full_a and_o lively_a manner_n then_o former_o and_o next_o day_n be_v the_o first_o day_n of_o the_o week_n true_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v very_o much_o to_o appear_v in_o the_o morning_n to_o refresh_v and_o cheer_v my_o heart_n and_o so_o also_o in_o the_o ordinance_n of_o the_o supper_n for_o which_o bless_v the_o lord_n o_o my_o soul_n the_o four_o of_o the_o four_o month_n in_o the_o evening_n i_o find_v my_o heart_n very_o dead_a and_o dull_a to_o any_o spiritual_a service_n yet_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o draw_v it_o out_o in_o this_o request_n to_o he_o beg_v a_o special_a presence_n of_o his_o the_o next_o day_n both_o in_o prayer_n and_o preach_v and_o the_o ordinance_n of_o the_o supper_n beg_v the_o lord_n to_o appear_v through_o his_o servant_n that_o be_v to_o administer_v in_o his_o name_n that_o there_o may_v be_v such_o a_o lively_a presence_n and_o appearance_n of_o god_n through_o he_o as_o may_v be_v a_o token_n of_o good_a to_o my_o soul_n and_o true_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v the_o next_o day_n in_o a_o lively_a manner_n to_o appear_v not_o only_o suit_v his_o appearance_n to_o that_o dead_a dull_a frame_n my_o wretched_a heart_n be_v in_o to_o he_o but_o do_v abundant_o above_o even_o my_o expectation_n in_o some_o sense_n ride_v triumphant_o and_o glorious_o in_o the_o chariot_n of_o his_o word_n the_o 13_o of_o this_o four_o month_n in_o the_o evening_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n very_o much_o among_o other_o thing_n to_o plead_v with_o he_o to_o discover_v to_o i_o what_o the_o desire_n the_o hungring_n and_o the_o thirsting_n of_o my_o soul_n be_v indeed_o after_o tell_v he_o withal_o that_o as_o far_o as_o i_o know_v my_o own_o heart_n it_o be_v not_o after_o the_o world_n the_o profit_n pleasure_n or_o any_o thing_n in_o it_o beseech_v he_o to_o search_v and_o try_v i_o and_o if_o i_o be_v deceive_v in_o this_o to_o discover_v it_o to_o i_o and_o to_o be_v so_o far_o from_o satisfy_v any_o thirst_n of_o my_o soul_n after_o any_o thing_n beside_o himself_o as_o to_o blast_v it_o and_o to_o make_v i_o sensible_a of_o it_o and_o humble_a before_o he_o for_o it_o but_o tell_v he_o withal_o that_o he_o have_v promise_v that_o he_o that_o hunger_n and_o thirst_v after_o righteousness_n they_o shall_v be_v satisfy_v and_o fill_v and_o true_o if_o i_o know_v any_o thing_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n this_o be_v it_o my_o soul_n wait_v for_o and_o bray_v after_o to_o be_v make_v more_o like_o he_o more_o conformable_a to_o he_o to_o have_v the_o spirit_n of_o a_o child_n put_v upon_o i_o whereby_o i_o may_v be_v more_o like_a unto_o he_o and_o more_o dedicate_v and_o give_v up_o in_o all_o my_o way_n to_o he_o but_o that_o if_o it_o be_v not_o thus_o with_o i_o but_o that_o i_o be_v deceive_v in_o it_o i_o do_v then_o beg_v above_o all_o thing_n in_o the_o world_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v discover_v it_o unto_o i_o the_o 25_o of_o this_o four_o month_n my_o spirit_n wasdraw_v out_o to_o beg_v the_o lord_n appearance_n the_o next_o day_n and_o suit_v my_o heart_n to_o it_o which_o i_o find_v in_o a_o very_a dead_a &_o dull_a frame_n beseech_v the_o lord_n that_o his_o appearance_n may_v not_o answer_v that_o wretched_a frame_n my_o heart_n be_v then_o in_o but_o that_o my_o heart_n may_v be_v put_v in_o frame_n to_o meet_v with_o he_o as_o also_o that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o provide_v a_o portion_n for_o every_o poor_a soul_n that_o desire_v to_o see_v his_o face_n and_o to_o seek_v his_o presence_n that_o they_o may_v find_v some_o word_n suitable_a to_o their_o condition_n and_o how_o rich_o and_o abundant_o do_v the_o lord_n answer_v each_o of_o those_o desire_n both_o in_o behalf_n of_o my_o own_o soul_n and_o also_o on_o the_o behalf_n of_o other_o how_o glorious_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v and_o ride_v triumphant_o in_o the_o chariot_n of_o his_o word_n this_o day_n in_o the_o morning_n present_v very_o glorious_a useful_a truth_n seasonable_a to_o my_o poor_a soul_n which_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o practice_v and_o make_v use_n of_o enable_v i_o to_o improve_v the_o promise_n to_o this_o great_a work_n of_o clean_v from_o corruption_n yea_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v in_o a_o further_a way_n to_o answer_v my_o desire_n for_o other_o put_v in_o a_o very_a seasonable_a word_n of_o he_o to_o my_o cousin_n jefferson_n concern_v freewill_n who_o be_v much_o in_o my_o thought_n in_o my_o former_a request_n show_v how_o the_o promise_n be_v make_v in_o respect_n of_o our_o own_o weakness_n and_o nothingness_n for_o have_v the_o creature_n any_o power_n god_n need_v not_o promise_v to_o do_v all_o the_o lord_n have_v thus_o appear_v this_o morning_n there_o arise_v in_o my_o heart_n a_o question_n at_o noon_n whether_o i_o shall_v not_o public_o by_o mr._n knight_n offer_v up_o praise_n to_o the_o lord_n for_o this_o appearance_n of_o he_o but_o through_o many_o fear_n that_o arise_v upon_o my_o spirit_n lest_o it_o may_v be_v misconstrue_v as_o if_o i_o do_v desire_v to_o appear_v to_o be_v somebody_o with_o the_o like_a temptation_n be_v keep_v off_o yet_o notwithstanding_o some_o trouble_n to_o my_o spirit_n for_o i_o be_v great_o desirous_a to_o have_v bless_v the_o lord_n public_o for_o it_o yet_o how_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v in_o answer_n to_o this_o secret_a desire_n of_o i_o for_o mr._n knight_n himself_o upon_o his_o own_o account_n do_v large_o bless_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o appearance_n in_o the_o midst_n of_o the_o day_n and_o so_o throughout_o with_o which_o my_o heart_n do_v real_o close_a and_o so_o do_v our_o sister_n arnal_a as_o she_o say_v afterward_o as_o well_o as_o myself_o great_o rejoice_v that_o the_o lord_n draw_v out_o his_o heart_n in_o that_o wherein_o her_o heart_n and_o mind_n also_o do_v so_o abundant_o join_v our_o brethren_n have_v make_v some_o entrance_n into_o the_o private_a conference_n and_o somewhat_o of_o god_n appear_v from_o several_a of_o they_o my_o heart_n be_v much_o draw_v out_o to_o propound_v some_o question_n to_o they_o have_v two_o or_o three_o thing_n upon_o my_o spirit_n wherein_o i_o be_v much_o unsatisfied_a and_o have_v resolve_v upon_o the_o thing_n in_o general_n there_o arise_v a_o great_a dispute_n in_o my_o spirit_n which_o question_n to_o propound_v first_o for_o they_o all_o leave_v much_o weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o among_o other_o i_o have_v a_o very_a strong_a desire_n to_o propound_v this_o what_o mean_n may_v be_v best_o available_a for_o the_o subdue_a of_o pride_n and_o strong_a debate_n have_v i_o in_o my_o spirit_n before_o i_o can_v pass_v this_o over_o yet_o at_o the_o last_o my_o spirit_n be_v overcome_v to_o propound_v another_o which_o prove_v very_o suitable_a to_o many_o other_o spirit_n in_o which_o i_o see_v some_o hand_n of_o god_n yet_o do_v my_o heart_n earnest_o long_o after_o some_o resolution_n concern_v that_o of_o pride_n but_o how_o gloriou_o do_v the_o lord_n a_o while_n after_o the_o 26_o of_o this_o four_o month_n appear_v in_o answer_n to_o it_o show_v i_o that_o there_o be_v no_o way_n like_o to_o the_o take_n of_o the_o advantage_n of_o the_o ordinance_n which_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o do_v about_o the_o end_n of_o this_o four_o
may_v prove_v the_o real_a advantage_n of_o spiritual_a good_a to_o my_o soul_n yet_o fear_v whether_o it_o do_v indeed_o come_v from_o he_o or_o no_o cause_v some_o tremble_n upon_o my_o spirit_n how_o to_o act_v if_o it_o be_v a_o plot_n of_o he_o it_o be_v a_o fair_a one_o arise_v after_o this_o manner_n have_v often_o find_v great_a appearance_n of_o god_n as_o i_o hope_v i_o may_v say_v to_o his_o praise_n i_o have_v in_o other_o of_o his_o ordinance_n but_o find_v my_o heart_n oftentimes_o very_o much_o shut_v up_o as_o it_o be_v and_o give_v over_o to_o deadness_n dulness_n and_o heaviness_n of_o spirit_n which_o be_v no_o way_n suitable_a to_o a_o spiritual_a heart_n and_o soul-quickning_a ordinance_n and_o find_v this_o very_a much_o to_o prevail_v even_o at_o this_o present_a desire_v your_o prayer_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v direct_v i_o what_o to_o do_v by_o discover_v to_o my_o soul_n whether_o indeed_o it_o do_v arise_v from_o a_o subtlety_n of_o satan_n yea_o or_o no_o or_o whether_o it_o be_v a_o lively_a alarm_n from_o heaven_n to_o my_o soul_n thus_o tremble_v in_o myself_o whether_o my_o forbearance_n may_v not_o be_v find_v a_o yield_n to_o satan_n or_o whether_o on_o the_o other_o side_n i_o may_v not_o attempt_v and_o provoke_v the_o lord_n by_o rush_v unprepared_o upon_o his_o holy_a thing_n thus_o desire_v to_o give_v up_o myself_o into_o the_o hand_n of_o the_o lord_n wait_v for_o the_o breathe_n of_o his_o spirit_n through_o the_o help_n of_o your_o prayer_n i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n alone_o to_o guide_v and_o lead_v my_o soul_n in_o all_o its_o motion_n and_o action_n in_o this_o present_a world_n until_o he_o shall_v bring_v it_o to_o a_o full_a enjoyment_n of_o himself_o in_o the_o perfection_n of_o holiness_n which_o my_o soul_n wait_v and_o long_v for_o where_o i_o shall_v full_o enjoy_v what_o now_o my_o poor_a soul_n have_v but_o a_o transient_a taste_n of_o which_o the_o lord_n accomplish_v in_o his_o own_o time_n and_o make_v i_o willing_a to_o wait_v my_o appoint_a time_n until_o my_o change_n come_v that_o when_o ever_o my_o lord_n come_v i_o may_v be_v find_v watch_v the_o 10_o of_o this_o 8_o month_n oh_o my_o soul_n do_v not_o the_o lord_n give_v i_o a_o gracious_a answer_n and_o return_v to_o this_o desire_n and_o prayer_n foremention_v even_o while_o thou_o be_v pour_v out_o thy_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n wherein_o thou_o do_v lament_v the_o corruption_n of_o thy_o heart_n beg_v of_o the_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v subdue_v this_o wicked_a frame_n of_o spirit_n this_o deadness_n and_o dulness_n in_o his_o service_n and_o continue_v issue_v out_o of_o corruption_n plead_v and_o argue_v it_o out_o with_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o manner_n that_o though_o thou_o be_v unworthy_a altogether_o to_o beg_v any_o mercy_n from_o he_o or_o this_o mercy_n yet_o be_v there_o not_o other_o of_o his_o poor_a servant_n that_o be_v plead_v with_o he_o for_o my_o poor_a soul_n nay_o be_v not_o my_o lord_n jesus_n now_o at_o his_o right_a hand_n plead_v for_o i_o that_o i_o may_v not_o be_v pull_v out_o of_o his_o hand_n for_o how_o can_v the_o lord_n endure_v wickedness_n any_o lust_n or_o corruption_n to_o possess_v my_o heart_n and_o take_v the_o sceptre_n out_o of_o his_o hand_n and_o so_o to_o rule_v and_o reign_v over_o i_o nay_o can_v my_o soul_n bear_v it_o to_o be_v thus_o overpowred_n and_o to_o have_v my_o heart_n thus_o draw_v from_o christ_n and_o thus_o captivate_v by_o sin_n and_o satan_n when_o one_o word_n of_o his_o mouth_n can_v set_v my_o soul_n at_o liberty_n beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o search_v i_o and_o to_o try_v i_o for_o he_o know_v whether_o those_o desire_n and_o tear_n and_o groan_n come_v from_o my_o heart_n yea_o or_o no_o yea_o i_o know_v thou_o do_v search_v i_o and_o know_v my_o heart_n but_o lord_n discover_v also_o to_o i_o and_o if_o there_o be_v any_o hypocrisy_n in_o my_o spirit_n in_o this_o regard_n oh_o that_o thou_o will_v answer_v i_o so_o by_o fire_n to_o consume_v that_o dross_n and_o corruption_n in_o my_o soul_n yea_o whatsoever_o thyrighteous_a eyesee_v in_o i_o that_o be_v darken_v to_o thy_o glory_n and_o withal_o tell_v the_o lord_n how_o like_o a_o flood_n of_o mighty_a water_n this_o corruption_n come_v in_o upon_o i_o one_o wave_z following_z another_z that_o i_o have_v no_o power_n to_o withstand_v it_o though_o he_o have_v discover_v much_o of_o himself_o to_o my_o sonl_n and_o of_o the_o riches_n of_o his_o grace_n and_o emptiness_n of_o all_o other_o thing_n that_o yet_o my_o soul_n shall_v so_o run_v after_o vanity_n beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o give_v a_o real_a turn_n to_o all_o the_o affection_n of_o my_o soul_n and_o to_o fix_v they_o upon_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n where_o they_o shall_v be_v sure_a to_o be_v return_v this_o be_v in_o the_o morning_n of_o the_o 10._o day_n than_o do_v the_o lord_n further_o satisfy_v and_o quiet_v my_o heart_n in_o my_o evening_n sacrifice_n that_o same_o day_n his_o spirit_n breathe_v in_o my_o soul_n after_o this_o manner_n dear_a lord_n oh_o that_o thou_o will_v suppress_v this_o spirit_n of_o murmur_a under_o thy_o hand_n and_o if_o thou_o will_v have_v thy_o poor_a creature_n still_o to_o wrestle_v and_o strive_v under_o a_o body_n of_o death_n and_o corruption_n and_o temptation_n and_o snare_n and_o entanglement_n oh_o that_o thou_o will_v help_v i_o in_o this_o work_n that_o i_o may_v not_o yield_v under_o it_o but_o may_v hold_v out_o in_o a_o continual_a resistance_n and_o sigh_v and_o never_o give_v over_o or_o make_v any_o peace_n with_o sin_n and_o though_o thou_o do_v not_o see_v meet_a utter_o to_o root_v out_o sin_n yet_o oh_o lord_n give_v it_o its_o deadly_a blow_n let_v it_o be_v still_o die_v and_o wither_v and_o decay_v and_o work_v in_o my_o soul_n grow_v and_o increase_v even_o until_o thou_o have_v full_o perfect_v it_o about_o the_o ten_o of_o this_o eight_o month_n this_o experience_n be_v give_v in_o to_o my_o soul_n by_o the_o lord_n concern_v satan_n deal_n with_o my_o soul_n and_o some_o refreshment_n to_o support_v my_o spirit_n under_o it_o oh_o my_o soul_n have_v not_o satan_n deal_v with_o thou_o concern_v this_o great_a ordinance_n of_o the_o lord_n supper_n even_o as_o he_o have_v former_o do_v concern_v the_o great_a duty_n of_o prayer_n how_o often_o have_v he_o suggest_v to_o thou_o that_o it_o be_v to_o no_o end_n to_o pray_v to_o the_o lord_n reason_v thus_o with_o thou_o oftentimes_o do_v thou_o think_v there_o be_v any_o such_o god_n as_o thou_o pray_v to_o do_v he_o ever_o hear_v thou_o or_o give_v thou_o any_o token_n of_o answer_n why_o then_o do_v thou_o continual_o appeal_v to_o he_o and_o pour_v out_o thy_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o have_v he_o not_o do_v just_o thus_o about_o this_o ordinance_n of_o the_o lord_n supper_n thou_o wicked_a spirit_n how_o often_o have_v thou_o be_v prove_v a_o liar_n what_o eminent_a token_n have_v god_n give_v i_o of_o his_o hear_n prayer_n from_o time_n to_o time_n both_o concern_v myself_o and_o other_o and_o therein_o have_v prove_v thou_o a_o liar_n and_o why_o then_o oh_o my_o soul_n shall_v thou_o not_o believe_v that_o satan_n will_v also_o prove_v a_o liar_n in_o this_o be_v not_o the_o lord_n yesterday_o and_o to_o day_n and_o for_o ever_o be_v his_o arm_n shorten_v or_o his_o hand_n weaken_v that_o he_o can_v save_v and_o deliver_v and_o appear_v to_o thou_o in_o as_o glorious_a a_o manner_n as_o ever_o oh_o then_o wait_v for_o he_o and_o what_o if_o thou_o wait_v until_o thy_o dissolution_n it_o will_v be_v happiness_n more_o than_o thou_o do_v deserve_v to_o be_v find_v wait_v yet_o thou_o do_v not_o know_v how_o soon_o he_o may_v appear_v to_o thou_o about_o the_o middle_n of_o the_o eight_o month_n 1653_o o_o my_o soul_n what_o be_v thy_o continue_a fear_n be_v they_o not_o lest_o any_o thing_n shall_v withdraw_v or_o steal_v away_o thy_o heart_n from_o the_o lord_n do_v not_o thou_o daily_o beg_v of_o he_o rather_o to_o crucify_v all_o thy_o earthly_a desire_n what_o ever_o than_o any_o way_n to_o satisfy_v any_o of_o they_o a_o letter_n to_o mr._n knight_n the_o sixteenth_o of_o the_o eight_o month_n 1653._o in_o answer_n to_o the_o former_a desire_n to_o he_o the_o nine_o of_o the_o same_o month_n to_o bless_v the_o lord_n for_o the_o answer_n dear_a sir_n have_v former_o in_o the_o time_n of_o my_o sadness_n desire_v your_o remembrance_n before_o the_o lord_n who_o have_v appear_v in_o prayer_n both_o public_a and_o private_a as_o also_o many_o other_o way_n thereby_o stay_v my_o poor_a spirit_n to_o wait_v upon_o he_o
degree_n of_o it_o which_o thou_o see_v through_o mercy_n by_o other_o though_o not_o visible_o to_o they_o thus_o do_v the_o lord_n bring_v a_o good_a issue_n out_o of_o their_o own_o speech_n and_o word_n cause_v thou_o to_o lie_v down_o at_o his_o foot_n expect_v the_o punishment_n of_o thy_o iniquity_n yea_o great_a difficulty_n than_o these_o have_v the_o lord_n carry_v thou_o through_o when_o all_o the_o power_n of_o hell_n and_o thy_o own_o corruption_n have_v combine_v together_o to_o keep_v thou_o from_o duty_n of_o prayer_n meditation_n and_o examination_n and_o the_o like_a and_o yet_o the_o lord_n have_v enable_v thou_o to_o break_v through_o all_o and_o to_o pour_v out_o thy_o soul_n to_o he_o when_o thou_o be_v even_o in_o thy_o own_o apprehension_n at_o the_o pit_n brink_n and_o yet_o resolve_v to_o cry_v to_o he_o and_o not_o to_o give_v over_o cry_v and_o call_v whilst_o thou_o live_v notwithstanding_o all_o temptation_n to_o the_o contrary_a yea_o the_o more_o strong_a the_o temptation_n be_v the_o more_o speedy_o be_v thou_o fain_o to_o address_v to_o the_o lord_n for_o his_o strength_n and_o power_n to_o assist_v thou_o in_o grapple_v with_o they_o yea_o when_o some_o time_n overcome_v as_o it_o be_v and_o beat_v down_o by_o satan_n and_o enter_v the_o very_a border_n of_o despair_n yet_o even_o thence_o from_o this_o belly_n of_o hell_n in_o which_o thou_o do_v apprehend_v thyself_o already_o enter_v do_v not_o the_o lord_n enable_v thou_o to_o cry_v to_o he_o &_o resolve_v to_o give_v he_o no_o rest_n yea_o when_o thou_o find_v no_o advantage_n or_o profit_n of_o all_o thy_o prayer_n and_o tear_n &_o sigh_n &_o croan_n but_o that_o the_o lord_n seem_v to_o turn_v a_o deaf_a ear_n yet_o do_v not_o the_o lord_n enable_v thou_o to_o go_v on_o and_o to_o tell_v he_o that_o all_o those_o comfort_n and_o enjoyment_n here_o below_o they_o be_v poor_a mean_a thing_n such_o as_o thou_o can_v not_o take_v for_o thy_o portion_n and_o therefore_o do_v beg_v with_o submission_n to_o his_o will_n that_o if_o he_o have_v no_o other_o for_o thou_o but_o the_o portion_n of_o this_o life_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o deny_v thou_o they_o also_o and_o never_o give_v they_o to_o be_v a_o snare_n but_o rather_o let_v thou_o end_v thy_o day_n in_o some_o desolate_a wilderness_n 3._o faithfulness_n appear_v in_o cheerful_a service_n now_o o_o my_o soul_n be_v thou_o not_o able_a to_o say_v before_o the_o lord_n the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n through_o his_o grace_n that_o so_o much_o faithfulness_n as_o thou_o can_v discern_v in_o thou_o in_o any_o service_n of_o thy_o lord_n be_v thy_o very_a joy_n and_o rejoice_n of_o thy_o heart_n but_o on_o the_o other_o side_n so_o much_o unfaithfulness_n as_o thou_o can_v discern_v in_o any_o service_n this_o be_v it_o that_o make_v thou_o go_v mourn_v all_o thy_o day_n because_o thou_o be_v no_o more_o fruitful_a 4._o o_o my_o soul_n thy_o faithfulness_n in_o some_o measure_n appear_v in_o that_o thou_o be_v rejoice_v real_o in_o spirit_n when_o any_o opportunity_n be_v put_v into_o thy_o hand_n and_o thy_o heart_n be_v enable_v in_o any_o measure_n to_o improve_v it_o to_o the_o service_n and_o for_o the_o glory_n of_o thy_o lord_n and_o be_v thou_o not_o on_o the_o contrary_a grieve_v that_o thou_o have_v so_o many_o opportunity_n offer_v before_o thou_o but_o like_o a_o fool_n have_v not_o a_o heart_n to_o improve_v they_o for_o the_o glory_n of_o thy_o lord_n be_v not_o this_o thy_o daily_a burden_n lord_n thou_o know_v it_o be_v &_o when_o through_o the_o subtlety_n of_o satan_n and_o deceit_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n i_o fool_n away_o many_o rich_a opportunity_n by_o not_o improve_n of_o they_o which_o after_o prove_v a_o sad_a burden_n and_o affliction_n to_o i_o 5._o o_o my_o soul_n do_v there_o not_o appear_v some_o degree_n of_o faithfulness_n to_o thy_o lord_n in_o that_o thy_o endeavour_n do_v come_v still_o beneath_o thy_o desire_n have_v not_o the_o lord_n real_o enable_v thou_o through_o grace_n to_o say_v with_o paul_n the_o good_a that_o i_o will_v do_v i_o do_v not_o but_o o_o that_o i_o can_v do_v it_o that_o i_o can_v serve_v the_o lord_n more_o and_o better_o but_o oh_o how_o low_o do_v i_o live_v and_o how_o poor_o do_v i_o walk_v but_o oh_o that_o i_o can_v come_v to_o prayer_n and_o read_v and_o hear_v and_o meditate_v and_o do_v all_o private_a and_o public_a duty_n and_o walk_v in_o all_o my_o relation_n in_o this_o world_n as_o may_v honour_v this_o my_o lord_n be_v not_o these_o the_o continual_a groan_n and_o breathe_n of_o my_o heart_n before_o the_o lord_n lord_n thou_o know_v it_o for_o i_o have_v none_o i_o desire_v to_o appeal_v unto_o but_o to_o thou_o the_o searcher_n of_o my_o heart_n 6._o lord_n do_v not_o some_o faithfulness_n appear_v to_o be_v wrought_v in_o my_o soul_n by_o thou_o in_o that_o thou_o have_v above_o all_o thing_n make_v i_o to_o delight_v in_o that_o work_n that_o no_o eye_n see_v but_o thyself_o thou_o know_v what_o a_o fear_n have_v be_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o be_v to_o this_o day_n in_o a_o great_a measure_n to_o appear_v before_o other_o thou_o lord_n know_v how_o many_o year_n this_o fear_n have_v be_v as_o a_o prison_n to_o keep_v in_o the_o working_n of_o my_o heart_n &_o as_o door_n to_o my_o mouth_n to_o keep_v it_o from_o lament_v itself_o not_o so_o much_o as_o in_o one_o word_n in_o the_o hear_n of_o other_o lest_o there_o shall_v any_o pride_n or_o hypocrifie_n act_n in_o it_o yea_o to_o this_o very_a day_n how_o many_o service_n wherein_o perhaps_o thy_o lord_n may_v be_v honour_v be_v thou_o prevent_v and_o dare_v not_o to_o act_v in_o upon_o this_o very_a account_n that_o it_o can_v be_v do_v in_o private_a can_v thou_o not_o say_v before_o the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n that_o such_o thought_n and_o apprehension_n and_o fear_n as_o these_o lest_o other_o shall_v esteem_v thou_o better_o than_o thou_o be_v or_o thy_o own_o spirit_n be_v lift_v up_o before_o the_o lord_n or_o any_o false_a end_n bias_n thou_o in_o it_o that_o such_o thought_n i_o say_v as_o thief_n do_v often_o as_o it_o be_v tie_v up_o thy_o tongue_n sow_v up_o thy_o mouth_n in_o all_o company_n even_o while_o at_o that_o instant_n thy_o heart_n be_v even_o ready_a to_o split_v or_o break_v in_o piece_n for_o want_n of_o vent_n sometime_o apprehend_v that_o those_o discovery_n that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v sometime_o to_o make_v to_o thou_o and_o the_o rich_a grace_n he_o be_v please_v to_o manifest_v in_o thou_o in_o overcome_v all_o the_o unkindness_n in_o thou_o ought_v not_o to_o be_v put_v unnder_v a_o bushel_n but_o hold_v out_o to_o other_o and_o yet_o not_o dare_v to_o do_v it_o find_v my_o wretched_a heart_n so_o prone_a to_o be_v lift_v up_o upon_o all_o such_o occasion_n and_o so_o dishonour_n god_n that_o way_n and_o so_o deceive_v other_o and_o myself_o also_o and_o through_o both_o these_o fear_v my_o soul_n often_o walk_v sad_o before_o the_o lord_n fear_v to_o offend_v he_o and_o not_o be_v able_a to_o discern_v it_o whether_o way_n i_o may_v most_o honour_v he_o have_v make_v trial_n of_o both_o sometime_o silent_a and_o sometime_o speak_v and_o find_v the_o wickedness_n of_o my_o heart_n appear_v sad_o in_o both_o i_o know_v not_o sometime_o which_o be_v best_a the_o lord_n in_o mercy_n manifest_a and_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o o_o my_o soul_n thus_o may_v it_o probable_o and_o hopeful_o appear_v to_o thou_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v make_v thou_o in_o some_o measure_n his_o faithful_a servant_n 1._o the_o lord_n have_v give_v i_o some_o hope_n that_o i_o trust_v i_o have_v no_o other_o master_n that_o i_o willing_o call_v rabbi_n or_o willing_o serve_v but_o my_o lord_n jesus_n nor_o have_v i_o any_o other_o work_n that_o i_o do_v upon_o which_o my_o heart_n be_v delightful_o set_v upon_o but_o only_o my_o lord_n work_v and_o this_o appear_v far_a to_o i_o in_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v i_o hope_v in_o some_o measure_n wrought_v my_o heart_n to_o this_o frame_n of_o spirit_n to_o desire_v above_o all_o thing_n to_o serve_v my_o lord_n christ_n in_o all_o the_o relation_n he_o have_v set_v i_o in_o in_o this_o world_n and_o to_o that_o end_n every_o fail_n in_o any_o of_o they_o either_o as_o a_o child_n or_o friend_n or_o any_o relation_n though_o i_o too_o sad_o fail_v in_o they_o all_o this_o be_v that_o which_o if_o my_o heart_n deceive_v i_o not_o above_o all_o thing_n break_v my_o heart_n to_o think_v that_o hereby_o i_o do_v dishonour_n my_o lord_n jesus_n and_o that_o profession_n of_o be_v his_o servant_n it_o be_v not_o
about_o so_o much_o to_o change_v thy_o way_n to_o run_v from_o one_o thing_n in_o the_o world_n to_o another_o thou_o also_o shall_v be_v ashamed_a of_o egypt_n as_o thou_o be_v of_o assyria_n v._n 37._o thou_o shall_v go_v forth_o from_o he_o and_o thy_o hand_n upon_o thy_o head_n in_o a_o posture_n of_o lamentation_n for_o the_o lord_n have_v reject_v thy_o confidence_n thou_o shall_v not_o prosper_v in_o they_o the_o lord_n persuade_v thy_o heart_n full_o of_o these_o truth_n and_o work_v thy_o soul_n to_o a_o frame_n suitable_a thereunto_o the_o 18._o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n 1654._o this_o afternoon_n be_v somewhat_o burden_a at_o the_o wretched_a out-going_a of_o my_o wicked_a heart_n which_o be_v like_o a_o wild_a thing_n ready_a to_o break_v out_o upon_o every_o occasion_n even_o in_o read_v the_o scripture_n its_o self_n how_o sad_o do_v it_o take_v occasion_n to_o fly_v out_o the_o thought_n whereof_o very_o much_o oppress_v my_o spirit_n whilst_o i_o be_v seek_v the_o lord_n about_o it_o it_o be_v dart_v into_o i_o that_o the_o lord_n may_v be_v even_o now_o answer_v my_o own_o prayer_n and_o desire_n though_o the_o answer_n of_o they_o seem_v thus_o dreadful_a to_o i_o for_o oh_o how_o often_o have_v i_o former_o beg_v and_o desire_v of_o god_n that_o he_o will_v discover_v my_o own_o heart_n to_o i_o that_o he_o will_v anatomize_v it_o that_o i_o may_v see_v and_o know_v it_o even_o as_o he_o see_v and_o know_v it_o and_o the_o like_a and_o for_o aught_o i_o know_v this_o sad_a work_n up_o of_o corruption_n may_v even_o be_v to_o give_v i_o a_o sight_n of_o what_o filth_n there_o be_v within_o my_o heart_n yea_o may_v i_o not_o in_o some_o measure_n have_v provoke_v the_o lord_n to_o suffer_v and_o permit_v sin_n to_o work_n in_o i_o by_o so_o vehement_a desire_n oh_o good_a lord_n what_o need_v then_o have_v we_o poor_a creature_n to_o seek_v of_o thou_o to_o teach_v soul_n what_o and_o how_o to_o pray_v for_o true_o we_o know_v not_o what_o to_o pray_v nay_o when_o thou_o come_v in_o answer_n even_o to_o our_o own_o importunate_a desire_n how_o unable_a be_v we_o to_o bear_v the_o answer_n of_o our_o own_o prayer_n oh_o the_o wretchedness_n of_o my_o heart_n be_v it_o not_o pollute_v in_o all_o that_o ever_o it_o do_v and_o say_v be_v not self_o and_o some_o by_o and_o base_a end_n or_o other_o at_o the_o end_n of_o every_o thought_n word_n and_o action_n do_v there_o not_o still_o step_v in_o some_o thing_n of_o self_n yea_o too_o often_o something_o of_o sin_n yea_o when_o in_o company_n i_o speak_v best_a yea_o such_o thing_n as_o other_o seem_v to_o admire_v at_o such_o expression_n and_o experience_n but_o alas_o be_v there_o not_o much_o sin_n in_o it_o be_o i_o able_a to_o do_v to_o live_v or_o practice_v what_o i_o speak_v nay_o be_v there_o not_o most_v a_o end_v some_o base_a end_n either_o in_o the_o speak_n of_o it_o or_o that_o come_v in_o headlong_a after_o it_o oh_o curse_a frame_n of_o spirit_n the_o 20_o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n 1654._o have_v seek_v the_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v breathe_v in_o by_o his_o spirit_n upon_o my_o soul_n and_o give_v i_o some_o sight_n of_o himself_o some_o communion_n with_o he_o and_o some_o discovery_n from_o he_o this_o afternoon_n there_o be_v these_o hint_n fall_v upon_o my_o heart_n soon_o after_o that_o i_o have_v be_v very_o remiss_a in_o improve_n those_o precious_a &_o glorious_a appearance_n of_o god_n to_o my_o soul_n through_o our_o dear_a pastor_n that_o so_o near_o concern_v i_o from_o that_o 45._o psalm_n and_o that_o therefore_o the_o lord_n have_v just_o lay_v he_o aside_o for_o a_o time_n even_o while_o he_o be_v enter_v into_o it_o o_o bless_a lord_n have_v thou_o watch_v over_o i_o in_o the_o time_n of_o my_o childhood_n vanity_n unregeneracie_n when_o i_o know_v not_o my_o right_a hand_n from_o my_o left_a &_o have_v thou_o be_v with_o i_o ever_o since_o to_o this_o day_n and_o shall_v i_o now_o distrust_v thou_o or_o fear_v that_o thou_o shall_v now_o leave_v i_o to_o myself_o o_o curse_a unbelief_n have_v thou_o watch_v over_o i_o these_o six_o and_o twenty_o year_n and_o suffer_v no_o evil_a to_o overtake_v i_o but_o make_v all_o thing_n to_o work_v together_o for_o my_o good_a and_o shall_v i_o now_o fear_v and_o mistrust_v thy_o love_n have_v thou_o provide_v for_o i_o to_o this_o day_n that_o no_o good_a have_v be_v want_v to_o i_o and_o shall_v i_o now_o distrust_v thou_o or_o think_v thou_o will_v withhold_v any_o thing_n thou_o see_v good_a for_o i_o nay_o have_v thou_o not_o withheld_a i_o from_o evil_n that_o will_v have_v hurt_v i_o and_o must_v i_o now_o murmur_n repine_v and_o cry_v out_o of_o thy_o want_n of_o love_n to_o i_o and_o that_o thou_o shall_v bear_v all_o this_o and_o go_v on_o further_o to_o make_v out_o thy_o love_n to_o i_o and_o shall_v i_o yet_o distrust_v thou_o have_v thou_o overcome_v death_n and_o hell_n for_o i_o that_o i_o be_o not_o now_o in_o that_o slavish_a fear_n of_o they_o as_o former_o i_o have_v be_v and_o shall_v i_o still_o fear_v that_o thou_o will_v not_o overcome_v my_o corruption_n for_o i_o o_o curse_a unbelief_n the_o 23._o day_n of_o the_o second_o month_n 1654._o in_o the_o morning_n be_v much_o discourage_v in_o reference_n to_o any_o hope_n of_o god_n appearance_n have_v hear_v but_o slender_a commendation_n of_o he_o that_o be_v to_o speak_v this_o day_n yet_o be_v desirous_a to_o look_v up_o to_o the_o lord_n i_o beseech_v he_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v my_o soul_n some_o sight_n of_o himself_o and_o communion_n with_o he_o and_o that_o as_o i_o have_v former_a experience_n from_o he_o that_o the_o instrument_n be_v nothing_o if_o he_o will_v please_v to_o undertake_v the_o work_n &_o therefore_o i_o beseech_v he_o that_o his_o power_n may_v so_o appear_v that_o my_o soul_n may_v have_v a_o sight_n of_o he_o and_o there_o may_v be_v some_o seasonable_a word_n speak_v that_o may_v do_v my_o soul_n good_a and_o true_o i_o must_v needs_o acknowledge_v the_o lord_n be_v please_v gracious_o to_o bow_v down_o and_o manifest_v his_o presence_n exceed_o beyond_o my_o expectation_n this_o day_n the_o four_o day_n of_o this_o three_o month_n 1654._o be_v to_o take_v a_o portion_n of_o physic_n i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n that_o it_o may_v accomplish_v his_o will_n and_o pleasure_n upon_o i_o and_o if_o that_o lie_v in_o health_n that_o it_o may_v be_v sanctify_v to_o i_o if_o in_o sickness_n that_o my_o will_n may_v be_v bow_v and_o submit_v to_o his_o will_n the_o 7._o day_n of_o this_o three_o month_n at_o night_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o myheart_a to_o beg_v of_o he_o among_o other_o request_n that_o he_o will_v pardon_v all_o my_o misspend_a time_n and_o help_v i_o to_o improve_v what_o ever_o time_n he_o shall_v see_v meet_a to_o give_v i_o more_o to_o his_o praise_n and_o glory_n and_o to_o that_o end_n if_o he_o shall_v see_v meet_a to_o give_v i_o to_o enjoy_v another_o day_n and_o see_v the_o beginning_n of_o a_o new_a week_n that_o he_o will_v also_o give_v i_o a_o new_a heart_n and_o a_o new_a spirit_n and_o help_v i_o to_o walk_v more_o to_o his_o praise_n improve_n time_n better_o than_o former_o the_o next_o morning_n be_v the_o 8._o of_o this_o three_o month_n i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o presence_n that_o day_n notwithstanding_o all_o my_o unprofitableness_n and_o unworthiness_n of_o it_o with_o much_o to_o that_o effect_n and_o true_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o bow_v down_o and_o speak_v many_o sweet_a and_o seasonable_a thing_n to_o my_o soul_n both_o through_o that_o servant_n of_o his_o mr_n bradshaw_n that_o preach_v that_o day_n at_o fulham_n as_o also_o by_o his_o spirit_n through_o some_o scripture_n then_o hint_v unto_o we_o which_o cause_v my_o soul_n that_o night_n to_o breath_n out_o before_o the_o lord_n desire_v to_o bless_v he_o for_o it_o yet_o lament_v my_o unprofitableness_n under_o such_o glorious_a appearance_n of_o he_o and_o mis-improvement_n of_o they_o lament_v also_o the_o great_a iniquity_n of_o my_o tongue_n beseech_v the_o lord_n now_o to_o set_v a_o watch_n before_o my_o mouth_n and_o to_o keep_v the_o door_n of_o my_o lip_n as_o also_o my_o heart_n the_o 13._o of_o this_o three_o month_n in_o the_o morning_n as_o i_o be_v go_v down_o i_o have_v a_o strong_a repulse_n upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o speak_v a_o few_o word_n unto_o the_o lord_n before_o i_o go_v down_o at_o which_o time_n my_o heart_n be_v great_o draw_v out_o to_o speak_v to_o god_n to_o curse_v and_o blast_v and_o root_v
of_o god_n behind_o i_o after_o my_o departure_n hence_o he_o have_v so_o often_o make_v it_o appear_v that_o he_o be_v a_o god_n good_a unto_o the_o unthankeful_a disobedient_a and_o rebellious_a this_o begin_v with_o the_o 8_o month_n 1654._o the_o 27._o of_o this_o month_n there_o be_v a_o great_a desire_n in_o several_a of_o we_o to_o have_v some_o church_n meet_v set_v up_o among_o we_o which_o have_v be_v long_o delay_v my_o mother_n and_o myself_o have_v often_o very_o much_o press_v it_o at_o last_o i_o even_o resolve_v to_o urge_v it_o no_o more_o imagine_v that_o the_o lord_n have_v no_o purpose_n that_o it_o shall_v be_v and_o rather_o fear_v least_o there_o shall_v be_v any_o by-end_n in_o my_o own_o heart_n in_o this_o my_o desire_v of_o it_o then_o do_v our_o brother_n orpen_n and_o our_o brother_n mâ—rly_o again_o renew_v the_o motion_n and_o speak_v of_o it_o to_o we_o &_o afterward_o go_v from_o we_o to_o mr_n knight_n yet_o be_v still_o by_o one_o mean_n or_o other_o 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appoint_v for_o to_o meet_v i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n though_o with_o much_o weakness_n and_o in_o a_o poor_a scatter_a way_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o go_v forth_o with_o we_o and_o provide_v some_o help_n for_o we_o earnest_o desire_v he_o to_o make_v good_a that_o bless_a word_n of_o he_o that_o where_o two_o or_o three_o meet_a in_o his_o name_n that_o he_o will_v be_v in_o the_o midst_n of_o they_o bege_v that_o this_o word_n may_v be_v make_v good_a to_o we_o this_o day_n that_o he_o will_v put_v our_o heart_n in_o frame_n to_o meet_v with_o he_o and_o be_v please_v to_o be_v present_a with_o we_o and_o also_o with_o those_o who_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o send_v among_o we_o that_o there_o may_v be_v no_o soul_n of_o we_o but_o may_v acknowledge_v the_o lord_n presence_n among_o we_o and_o find_v some_o bless_a word_n hint_v to_o their_o condition_n and_o in_o particular_a to_o my_o poor_a soul_n god_n set_v it_o home_o with_o mighty_a power_n upon_o my_o heart_n even_o so_o as_o that_o i_o may_v be_v mould_v into_o it_o and_o how_o wonderful_o do_v the_o lord_n even_o beyond_o expectation_n appear_v this_o day_n in_o send_v mr_n knight_n and_o our_o brother_n mor_o neither_o of_o which_o be_v expect_v and_o put_v into_o their_o mouth_n a_o most_o suitable_a and_o seasonable_a word_n as_o also_o power_v out_o his_o spirit_n rich_o on_o they_o that_o speak_v in_o prayer_n to_o he_o wherein_o i_o see_v a_o great_a answer_n to_o a_o other_o petition_n this_o morning_n which_o be_v that_o the_o lord_n will_v please_v to_o help_v every_o one_o of_o they_o in_o speak_v to_o he_o and_o from_o he_o which_o he_o be_v please_v richy_a and_o glorious_o to_o do_v in_o so_o much_o that_o mr_n knight_n seem_v to_o be_v great_o affect_v with_o the_o presence_n of_o god_n and_o in_o the_o close_a do_v acknowledge_v it_o whereupon_o the_o meeting_n receive_v great_a encouragement_n and_o be_v resolve_v to_o be_v keep_v up_o o_o my_o soul_n how_o do_v the_o lord_n to_o thy_o short_a desire_n give_v in_o large_a answer_n together_o with_o seasonable_a refreshment_n to_o my_o poor_a droop_a spirit_n from_o the_o word_n that_o our_o brother_n mor_o speak_v out_o of_o the_o 40._o psal_n but_o i_o be_o poor_a and_o weak_a yet_o the_o lord_n think_v on_o i_o which_o poverty_n arise_v from_o the_o sense_n of_o sin_n and_o corruption_n yet_o the_o lord_n think_v on_o i_o whereupon_o he_o put_v we_o upon_o this_o thought_n what_o if_o all_o other_o slight_a and_o disregard_n a_o poor_a soul_n if_o the_o lord_n think_v upon_o it_o be_v it_o not_o better_a to_o be_v in_o the_o thought_n of_o god_n then_o of_o the_o great_a in_o the_o world_n together_o with_o many_o other_o precious_a and_o seasonable_a hint_n to_o my_o soul_n the_o 8._o of_o this_o 9_o month_n o_o my_o soul_n how_o unexpected_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o prevent_v thou_o with_o his_o love_a kindness_n and_o grace_n thou_o have_v be_v very_o ill_a all_o night_n with_o a_o extreme_a cold_a not_o think_v i_o shall_v be_v able_a to_o go_v in_o the_o morning_n to_o fulham_n yet_o at_o last_o overcome_v with_o desire_n to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n and_o cast_v and_o roll_n myself_o upon_o he_o and_o how_o glorious_o do_v he_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n and_o what_o a_o seasonable_a word_n be_v hint_v out_o this_o day_n to_o i_o by_o our_o dear_a brother_n the_o 25_o of_o this_o month_n at_o evening_n as_o also_o the_o 26._o day_n in_o the_o morning_n be_v the_o lord_n day_n find_v my_o heart_n exceed_v dead_a and_o dull_a and_o altogether_o unfit_a to_o meet_v the_o lord_n as_o also_o great_o oppress_v at_o the_o sight_n of_o the_o prevalencie_n of_o corruption_n and_o temptation_n over_o i_o almost_o continual_o which_o occasion_v my_o soul_n to_o pour_v out_o its_o self_n great_o before_o the_o lord_n in_o sundry_a &_o various_a petition_n relate_v to_o my_o present_a condition_n as_o also_o great_o beg_v his_o presence_n both_o in_o the_o prepare_v my_o heart_n to_o meet_v with_o he_o and_o in_o fit_v some_o bless_a word_n wherein_o he_o may_v meet_v my_o poor_a soul_n with_o many_o request_n to_o this_o purpose_n too_o large_a to_o relate_v and_o both_o touch_v my_o own_o soul_n and_o also_o his_o servant_n that_o be_v to_o speak_v that_o day_n and_o behold_v how_o glorious_o o_o my_o soul_n do_v the_o lord_n appear_v through_o his_o servant_n our_o dear_a pastor_n who_o speak_v from_o the_o 45._o psal_n thy_o throne_n o_o god_n be_v for_o ever_o and_o ever_o the_o sceptre_n of_o thy_o kingdom_n be_v a_o right_a sceptre_n where_o he_o show_v we_o that_o christ_n sceptre_n by_o which_o he_o rule_v and_o order_n all_o his_o affair_n in_o the_o world_n and_o in_o his_o church_n be_v a_o right_a sceptre_n and_o that_o all_o his_o administration_n be_v manage_v by_o a_o right_n straight_a line_n for_o the_o glory_n of_o his_o father_n and_o the_o good_a of_o his_o poor_a creature_n and_o that_o how_o ever_o through_o the_o darkness_n of_o our_o heart_n and_o our_o unpeliefe_n we_o can_v not_o see_v the_o straightness_n of_o all_o christ_n administration_n yet_o that_o they_o be_v so_o however_o for_o god_n the_o father_n who_o best_o know_v they_o say_v so_o of_o they_o show_v we_o also_o that_o however_o saint_n be_v apt_a to_o think_v that_o there_o be_v none_o in_o such_o a_o sad_a condition_n as_o they_o so_o tempt_v and_o so_o overcome_v by_o corruption_n and_o vain_a thought_n and_o the_o like_a and_o if_o christ_n do_v indeed_o reign_v in_o they_o and_o over_o they_o and_o his_o sceptre_n thus_o right_o why_o be_v it_o then_o thus_o with_o they_o in_o answer_v to_o which_o he_o show_v we_o that_o christ_n sceptre_n be_v right_o still_o because_o his_o design_n be_v through_o all_o this_o to_o raise_v up_o his_o own_o and_o his_o father_n glory_n as_o his_o skill_n appear_v most_o that_o make_v a_o glorious_a piece_n out_o of_o a_o crooked_a thing_n so_o christ_n have_v some_o eminence_n of_o glory_n by_o work_v through_o all_o our_o affliction_n and_o temptation_n to_o magnify_v his_o grace_n and_o mercy_n towards_o such_o as_o we_o be_v yea_o to_o do_v we_o good_a through_o all_o now_o dear_a father_n have_v not_o thy_o rich_a grace_n shine_v glorious_o in_o this_o condescension_n to_o such_o a_o poor_a worthless_a wretch_n as_o i_o be_o this_o day_n also_o do_v the_o lord_n call_v we_o see_v his_o throne_n and_o kingdom_n be_v for_o ever_o and_o ever_o to_o look_v after_o everlasting_a thing_n a_o secret_a check_n to_o my_o soul_n in_o it_o so_o eager_o pursue_v after_o fade_a die_a thing_n yea_o if_o christ_n kingdom_n be_v everlasting_a so_o also_o be_v
be_v bless_v discovery_n give_v to_o judge_v our_o estate_n we_o be_v also_o instruct_v in_o all_o our_o present_a affliction_n in_o this_o world_n still_o to_o remember_v it_o appear_v not_o yet_o what_o we_o shall_v be_v do_v you_o keep_v your_o eye_n on_o this_o how_o will_v it_o refresh_v you_o under_o all_o trouble_n keep_v your_o eye_n then_o on_o christ_n his_o appearance_n for_o there_o your_o fullness_n shall_v be_v but_o further_o to_o refresh_v the_o saint_n they_o be_v at_o present_a the_o son_n of_o god_n but_o know_v not_o the_o best_a of_o their_o estate_n you_o may_v be_v now_o under_o cloud_n and_o temptation_n but_o the_o best_a be_v behind_o it_o appear_v not_o now_o what_o you_o shall_v be_v and_o let_v this_o cheer_n up_o your_o heart_n the_o 8._o day_n of_o this_o ten_o month_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n in_o the_o morning_n be_v the_o day_n of_o our_o church-meeting_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o go_v forth_o with_o we_o this_o day_n or_o else_o not_o to_o carry_v we_o out_o and_o withal_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o provide_v a_o bless_a word_n a_o seasonable_a word_n for_o every_o poor_a soul_n that_o shall_v in_o the_o sincerity_n of_o their_o spirit_n wait_v upon_o he_o that_o day_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o speak_v some_o seasonable_a word_n to_o my_o soul_n that_o it_o may_v be_v a_o bless_a testimony_n that_o his_o presence_n be_v with_o i_o beg_v also_o the_o pour_v out_o of_o his_o spirit_n rich_o on_o they_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o send_v to_o speak_v among_o we_o with_o much_o to_o this_o effect_n the_o nine_o of_o this_o ten_o month_n at_o night_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v often_o to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n with_o some_o sense_n of_o his_o appearance_n as_o also_o my_o unfruitfulness_n under_o all_o former_a appearanc_n beseech_v he_o to_o sanctify_v all_o his_o appearance_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o help_v i_o to_o walk_v more_o watchful_o and_o hearken_v more_o to_o the_o testimony_n of_o my_o own_o conscience_n in_o what_o ever_o i_o have_v do_v and_o not_o to_o sin_v against_o it_o with_o many_o such_o like_a desire_n beg_v this_o that_o as_o he_o have_v so_o sweet_o encourage_v my_o soul_n by_o these_o gracious_a hint_n the_o three_o of_o this_o month_n so_o that_o now_o he_o will_v please_v notwithstanding_o all_o my_o unworthiness_n and_o unfruitfulness_n yet_o to_o make_v good_a these_o gracious_a word_n of_o he_o wherein_o he_o have_v say_v sin_n shall_v not_o have_v dominion_n over_o his_o people_n and_o that_o he_o will_v bruise_v satan_n under_o their_o foot_n that_o he_o will_v never_o leave_v nor_o forsake_v they_o for_o which_o gracious_a bless_a word_n of_o his_o i_o endeavour_v to_o plead_v with_o he_o this_o evening_n even_o upon_o the_o account_n of_o the_o full_a satisfaction_n the_o lord_n jesus_n have_v make_v to_o he_o that_o therefore_o these_o bless_a word_n may_v be_v make_v good_a to_o my_o poor_a soul_n as_o also_o on_o the_o behalf_n of_o his_o servant_n our_o dear_a pastor_n who_o the_o eight_o of_o this_o eight_o month_n seem_v exceed_v sad_a which_o come_v with_o some_o power_n and_o sense_n upon_o my_o heart_n at_o this_o time_n beseech_v the_o lord_n if_o he_o have_v convince_v he_o of_o any_o evil_n in_o he_o that_o he_o will_v also_o work_v it_o out_o of_o he_o and_o if_o there_o be_v any_o other_o oppression_n upon_o his_o spirit_n which_o be_v know_v to_o he_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o ease_v refresh_v comfort_n and_o fit_v he_o for_o the_o great_a work_n he_o have_v call_v he_o to_o and_o also_o pour_v out_o his_o spirit_n upon_o he_o that_o he_o may_v have_v a_o real_a and_o sensible_a sight_n of_o the_o answer_n of_o those_o desire_n and_o that_o the_o lord_n will_v please_v to_o direct_v he_o what_o and_o how_o to_o speak_v so_o as_o may_v be_v to_o the_o advantage_n of_o every_o of_o our_o soul_n who_o sincere_o seek_v his_o face_n and_o presence_n and_o oh_o my_o soul_n how_o graciouslie_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v the_o next_o day_n be_v his_o sabbath_n and_o give_v in_o a_o gracious_a answer_n to_o these_o desire_n and_o give_v forth_o far_o beyond_o they_o the_o 10_o of_o this_o 10_o month_n be_v the_o lord_n day_n in_o the_o morning_n i_o seek_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o most_o special_a presence_n in_o and_o with_o i_o this_o day_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o prepare_v a_o seasonable_a useful_a word_n for_o my_o soul_n and_o prepare_v my_o heart_n to_o meet_v with_o he_o that_o my_o soul_n may_v be_v enable_v to_o bless_v and_o praise_v his_o name_n for_o it_o and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v so_o eminent_o to_o appear_v that_o it_o may_v be_v write_v among_o the_o reward_n of_o his_o love_n yea_o that_o it_o may_v come_v into_o my_o soul_n even_o as_o a_o special_a pledge_n of_o his_o love_n yea_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o pour_v out_o his_o spirit_n upon_o his_o servant_n and_o appear_v so_o eminent_o through_o he_o as_o that_o also_o he_o may_v be_v enable_v to_o acknowledge_v it_o to_o his_o praise_n and_o oh_o my_o soul_n how_o rich_o and_o abundant_o and_o full_o do_v the_o lord_n answer_v all_o these_o desire_n yea_o every_o of_o they_o in_o particular_a which_o be_v spread_v before_o he_o more_o at_o large_a then_o i_o be_o able_a to_o set_v down_o and_o true_o the_o answer_n of_o they_o be_v much_o more_o large_a and_o full_a in_o which_o the_o lord_n bow_v down_o great_o even_o to_o the_o request_n also_o to_o do_v more_o abundant_o than_o i_o can_v ask_v or_o think_v and_o so_o he_o do_v begin_v even_o as_o soon_o i_o come_v to_o the_o congregation_n fill_v my_o heart_n with_o great_a joy_n and_o expectation_n of_o his_o mercy_n from_o he_o even_o in_o the_o psalm_n before_o sermon_n the_o psalm_n sing_v be_v psal_n 22._o 23._o on_o which_o my_o soul_n joyfullie_o run_v out_o and_o so_o both_o in_o prayer_n and_o in_o preach_v how_o abundantlie_o do_v the_o lord_n bow_v down_o and_o refresh_v my_o poor_a spitit_fw-la and_o the_o spirit_n of_o our_o dear_a pastor_n who_o in_o a_o most_o solemn_a manner_n again_o and_o again_o bless_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o appearance_n both_o in_o the_o dispensation_n of_o the_o word_n &_o also_o in_o the_o lord_n supper_n that_o be_v that_o day_n administer_v the_o scripture_n speak_v to_o we_o be_v psal_n 45._o 7._o thou_o hate_v iniquity_n whence_o he_o show_v that_o christ_n be_v lovely_a to_o his_o saint_n for_o hate_v iniquity_n in_o open_v hereof_o he_o show_v we_o what_o hatred_n be_v in_o man_n and_o what_o it_o be_v in_o christ_n which_o as_o he_o say_v be_v not_o a_o action_n or_o passion_n but_o his_o very_a nature_n and_o will_n which_o put_v forth_o all_o his_o other_o excellency_n as_o his_o power_n and_o his_o wisdom_n etc._n etc._n to_o repel_v all_o that_o be_v contrary_a to_o his_o nature_n and_o will_n which_o he_o further_o open_v at_o large_a show_v we_o that_o all_o the_o object_n of_o christ_n hatred_n be_v only_a sin_n which_o be_v true_o evil_a man_n hate_v that_o which_o they_o apprehend_v evil_a but_o christ_n hatred_n be_v proper_o neither_o against_o man_n or_o angel_n but_o only_o against_o sin_n and_o man_n only_o as_o he_o be_v under_o the_o power_n of_o sin_n and_o this_o hatred_n make_v he_o repel_v that_o which_o he_o hate_v with_o all_o his_o power_n put_v out_o all_o his_o excellency_n to_o the_o uttermost_a either_o for_o the_o destruction_n of_o sin_n in_o we_o or_o of_o we_o thus_o christ_n love_v the_o nature_n of_o man_n and_o take_v it_o upon_o he_o yet_o when_o this_o love_n be_v turn_v into_o hatred_n by_o reason_n of_o the_o overpower_v of_o sin_n which_o fight_v against_o the_o life_n of_o christ_n and_o when_o this_o love_n of_o he_o come_v to_o turn_v to_o hatred_n the_o hatred_n be_v the_o great_a now_o that_o christ_n hate_v sin_n appear_v both_o in_o the_o work_n of_o redemption_n and_o rejection_n in_o the_o work_n of_o redemption_n when_o he_o come_v to_o suppress_v sin_n in_o we_o he_o seem_v by_o this_o action_n to_o speak_v in_o this_o manner_n rather_o than_o sin_n shall_v live_v in_o thou_o i_o will_v die_v my_o blood_n shall_v rather_o go_v for_o it_o so_o in_o the_o rejection_n the_o hatred_n of_o christ_n shall_v kindle_v the_o fire_n of_o hell_n about_o they_o but_o that_o christ_n do_v thus_o hate_v sin_n appear_v further_a by_o these_o thing_n 1._o by_o his_o deal_n against_o it_o in_o the_o creation_n adam_n no_o soon_o make_v but_o he_o fall_v and_o so_o boil_a hot_a be_v god_n hatred_n against_o sin_n that_o before_o he_o give_v he_o time_n for_o repentance_n or_o any_o parley_n he_o present_o go_v to_o his_o posterity_n