the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o pardon_v all_o the_o unbelieved_a working_n of_o my_o corrupt_a heart_n and_o those_o hard_a thought_n i_o have_v have_v of_o god_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v in_o such_o clear_a vision_n of_o himself_o as_o may_v mighty_o increase_v my_o faith_n which_o desire_v of_o i_o be_v spread_v before_o the_o lord_n that_o day_n but_o have_v receive_v at_o this_o time_n some_o little_a refresh_n from_o those_o instruction_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v then_o to_o communicate_v by_o mr._n knight_n from_o heb._n 12._o 5-13_a from_o which_o scripture_n i_o be_v also_o convince_v that_o in_o most_o of_o the_o chastisement_n the_o lord_n have_v see_v meet_a to_o lay_v i_o under_o i_o have_v either_o despise_v his_o chastisement_n or_o else_o faint_v under_o they_o the_o lord_n i_o say_v have_v this_o day_n break_v in_o thus_o upon_o my_o heart_n by_o his_o spirit_n through_o his_o word_n the_o devil_n soon_o begin_v again_o with_o i_o take_v this_o opportunity_n i_o have_v set_v myself_o and_o endeavour_v to_o lay_v my_o heart_n to_o the_o word_n and_o see_v what_o comfortable_a ground_n i_o can_v take_v up_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v indeed_o afflict_v i_o in_o mercy_n etc._n etc._n the_o devil_n now_o begin_v to_o endeavour_v to_o puff_n up_o my_o spirit_n with_o a_o conceit_n that_o i_o be_v able_a to_o speak_v more_o in_o this_o kind_n than_o many_o other_o who_o be_v at_o that_o time_n also_o by_o he_o present_v but_o through_o mercy_n this_o do_v not_o pass_v many_o day_n before_o the_o lord_n sad_o show_v i_o my_o folly_n and_o weakness_n herein_o for_o a_o little_a while_n after_o there_o be_v a_o other_o day_n keep_v to_o which_o meeting_n i_o go_v and_o true_o after_o i_o come_v there_o the_o lord_n set_v home_o these_o wicked_a thought_n together_o with_o several_a other_o thing_n which_o wrought_v so_o upon_o my_o spirit_n that_o my_o heart_n be_v even_o overwhelm_v within_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o can_v not_o keep_v it_o to_o myself_o but_o be_v constrain_v to_o discover_v it_o by_o my_o carriage_n which_o mr._n knight_n take_v notice_n of_o speak_v to_o i_o after_o the_o exercise_n at_o which_o time_n i_o be_v so_o far_o from_o that_o ability_n that_o satan_n possess_v i_o with_o thought_n of_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a in_o any_o measure_n to_o speak_v my_o heart_n to_o he_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v one_o who_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v up_o to_o a_o dumb_a spirit_n and_o think_v those_o three_o word_n which_o be_v all_o that_o i_o can_v then_o speak_v be_v through_o a_o mere_a mistake_n sad_o misconstrued_n by_o he_o yet_o have_v i_o not_o power_n to_o speak_v one_o word_n to_o clear_v my_o meaning_n suppose_v it_o may_v possible_o be_v that_o the_o lord_n have_v something_o to_o speak_v to_o i_o even_o through_o that_o mistake_n there_o be_v also_o this_o day_n a_o word_n set_v home_o very_o much_o on_o my_o heart_n from_o something_o mr._n milborn_n note_v to_o we_o which_o also_o add_v much_o to_o my_o sadness_n and_o it_o be_v this_o that_o i_o have_v pray_v and_o pray_v again_o and_o again_o but_o when_o i_o have_v do_v i_o never_o look_v after_o the_o return_n of_o they_o have_v never_o yet_o any_o experience_n make_v out_o to_o i_o that_o i_o dare_v acknowledge_v this_o or_o that_o to_o be_v a_o return_n of_o my_o prayer_n nay_o though_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v in_o a_o mercy_n that_o i_o have_v beg_v of_o he_o i_o be_v still_o for_o many_o year_n tempt_v to_o believe_v that_o it_o have_v be_v so_o though_o i_o have_v not_o pray_v and_o so_o it_o be_v not_o give_v in_o as_o a_o answer_n to_o prayer_n which_o do_v much_o eat_v out_o the_o sweetness_n of_o those_o mercy_n which_o i_o do_v enjoy_v in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o think_v i_o do_v now_o even_o stand_v and_o admire_v what_o it_o be_v that_o do_v at_o that_o time_n support_v my_o spirit_n &_o carry_v i_o on_o in_o a_o continue_a seek_v of_o god_n be_v not_o able_a then_o to_o record_v a_o answer_n of_o prayer_n at_o all_o that_o i_o can_v bring_v to_o mind_n however_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v before_o this_o time_n to_o give_v i_o many_o gracious_a answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o be_v my_o eye_n withhold_v from_o see_v they_o to_o be_v so_o and_o take_v the_o comfort_n thereof_o until_o a_o long_a after_o yea_o sometime_o some_o year_n after_o some_o of_o they_o be_v give_v in_o which_o yet_o afterward_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o make_v out_o unto_o i_o even_o before_o the_o write_n hereof_o but_o after_o all_o this_o the_o lord_n by_o the_o act_n of_o his_o providence_n seem_v much_o to_o cross_v these_o hope_n and_o desire_n of_o his_o people_n in_o join_v in_o fellowship_n together_o which_o when_o i_o hear_v of_o it_o be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o i_o who_o great_o desire_v the_o accomplishment_n of_o it_o sometime_o think_v that_o it_o may_v be_v even_o for_o my_o sake_n alone_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v do_v it_o other_o time_n be_v tempt_v to_o think_v that_o if_o it_o have_v be_v the_o lord_n act_v to_o work_v up_o my_o spirit_n to_o that_o pitch_n that_o i_o think_v i_o find_v it_o wrought_v up_o unto_o than_o he_o will_v also_o have_v go_v on_o to_o have_v perfect_v my_o desire_n but_o be_v again_o enable_v on_o the_o other_o side_n to_o reason_n thus_o with_o myself_o that_o it_o be_v my_o duty_n to_o wait_v patient_o upon_o the_o lord_n and_o submit_v to_o he_o as_o well_o for_o the_o time_n as_o for_o the_o matter_n i_o endeavour_v the_o lord_n assist_v i_o to_o quiet_v my_o spirit_n with_o such_o thought_n as_o these_o that_o the_o lord_n may_v delay_v it_o in_o much_o mercy_n that_o so_o i_o may_v be_v the_o more_o fit_a for_o it_o when_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o accomplish_v it_o apprehend_v that_o sure_o he_o see_v i_o not_o yet_o fit_a for_o such_o a_o mercy_n than_o do_v i_o again_o turn_v to_o the_o lord_n and_o thus_o desire_v to_o submit_v to_o he_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o fit_v i_o for_o such_o a_o mercy_n and_o if_o he_o see_v it_o good_a to_o afford_v i_o the_o mercy_n here_o if_o not_o that_o he_o will_v direct_v i_o where_o to_o join_v that_o may_v be_v more_o for_o his_o glory_n and_o my_o soul_n good_a thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o go_v on_o well_o nigh_o a_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n still_o come_v in_o with_o more_o light_n and_o discovery_n of_o his_o love_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o more_o and_o more_o that_o work_n which_o he_o have_v begin_v through_o his_o rich_a and_o free_a grace_n in_o my_o lord_n jesus_n in_o who_o i_o do_v now_o desire_v only_o and_o alone_o to_o be_v find_v and_o not_o in_o any_o of_o my_o own_o righteousness_n who_o have_v now_o enable_v i_o to_o see_v to_o be_v very_o loathsome_a and_o abominable_a though_o former_o i_o have_v too_o much_o dote_v upon_o they_o then_o in_o the_o three_o month_n in_o the_o year_n 1652._o mr._n knight_n be_v go_v into_o the_o north_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o a_o mere_a providence_n as_o i_o desire_v to_o look_v upon_o it_o not_o know_v as_o yet_o but_o that_o i_o may_v also_o say_v as_o a_o return_n of_o many_o of_o my_o former_a poor_a desire_n to_o send_v mr._n rogers_n to_o the_o meeting_n at_o mr._n knight_n house_n have_v preach_v one_o lord_n day_n before_o at_o the_o chapel_n at_o hammersmith_n which_o occasion_v very_o strong_a and_o earnest_a desire_n in_o i_o to_o hear_v he_o again_o which_o now_o i_o do_v the_o lord_n direct_v he_o this_o time_n to_o speak_v unto_o we_o concern_v church_n discipline_n which_o i_o be_v yet_o very_o dark_a in_o which_o the_o lord_n enable_v he_o to_o give_v i_o very_o much_o and_o great_a satisfaction_n which_o otherwise_o i_o have_v cause_n to_o fear_v i_o may_v more_o inconsiderate_o have_v rush_v upon_o thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v i_o hope_v in_o answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o far_a to_o clear_v up_o this_o way_n of_o he_o to_o i_o prove_v it_o clear_o to_o be_v the_o way_n of_o the_o gospel_n and_o that_o which_o every_o one_o ought_v to_o be_v full_o satisfy_v in_o before_o they_o enter_v upon_o this_o be_v now_o more_o clear_v unto_o i_o my_o desire_n and_o long_n after_o the_o enjoyment_n of_o god_n in_o this_o zion_n grow_v more_o strong_a and_o earnest_a i_o continual_o mention_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o real_o i_o can_v tell_v but_o that_o i_o shall_v rob_v the_o lord_n of_o his_o glory_n in_o this_o particular_a if_o i_o shall_v not_o also_o acknowledge_v he_o further_o by_o my_o poor_a
soul_n in_o former_a day_n in_o the_o night-season_n and_o how_o sweet_a my_o meditation_n of_o he_o have_v be_v night_n and_o morning_n upon_o my_o bed_n and_o how_o barren_a my_o heart_n have_v be_v for_o some_o time_n of_o late_a in_o these_o meditation_n and_o how_o the_o lord_n have_v seem_v to_o withdraw_v these_o thought_n do_v put_v i_o upon_o it_o the_o ten_o of_o this_o second_o month_n in_o the_o evening_n to_o beg_v of_o god_n that_o as_o he_o have_v former_o appear_v in_o such_o season_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o return_v that_o mercy_n even_o by_o those_o torch_n of_o his_o hand_n whereby_o my_o night_n be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o my_o body_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o extreme_a cough_n &_o true_o i_o do_v the_o more_o press_v it_o upon_o the_o lord_n in_o my_o desire_n have_v much_o groan_v to_o think_v that_o night_n will_v be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o i_o more_o than_o any_o former_o by_o reason_n of_o my_o distemper_n but_o my_o good_a god_n who_o work_v all_o thing_n after_o the_o counsel_n of_o his_o own_o will_n and_o not_o according_a to_o our_o thought_n or_o fear_n or_o hope_n so_o order_v it_o that_o what_o i_o have_v reason_n most_o to_o fear_n he_o give_v i_o least_o to_o feel_v and_o though_o i_o be_v much_o distemper_v in_o my_o head_n when_o i_o go_v to_o bed_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o cold_n that_o be_v so_o great_a yet_o do_v he_o give_v i_o very_o good_a rest_n all_o the_o forepart_n of_o the_o night_n which_o when_o i_o awake_v towards_o morning_n and_o begin_v to_o consider_v oh_o i_o can_v not_o but_o admire_v but_o withal_o begin_v to_o think_v that_o though_o my_o desire_n about_o this_o be_v answer_v and_o though_o i_o have_v rest_n of_o body_n yet_o no_o communion_n with_o my_o god_n or_o reason_v with_o my_o own_o heart_n which_o i_o intend_v to_o have_v parly_v a_o little_a with_o while_o i_o have_v these_o thought_n and_o the_o like_a lie_v in_o a_o slumber_a way_n there_o be_v this_o thought_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n which_o mr._n cradock_n the_o four_o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n mention_v upon_o another_o occasion_n the_o word_n be_v these_o that_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a that_o be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n these_o word_n run_v much_o in_o my_o mind_n and_o some_o thought_n be_v give_v in_o upon_o they_o with_o a_o great_a desire_n i_o may_v not_o forget_v they_o but_o may_v in_o the_o morning_n see_v and_o find_v out_o that_o place_n of_o scripture_n but_o the_o lord_n give_v i_o as_o i_o think_v a_o opportunity_n and_o so_o much_o strength_n as_o to_o go_v and_o hear_v mr._n cradick_n i_o haste_v as_o soon_o as_o i_o can_v get_v up_o to_o prepare_v for_o go_v but_o when_o we_o come_v there_o have_v pray_v to_o the_o lord_n in_o some_o few_o word_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v i_o some_o sight_n of_o himself_o some_o transform_a sight_n and_o some_o kiss_n from_o his_o lip_n this_o day_n but_o go_v there_o we_o be_v disappoint_v for_o that_o exercise_n be_v for_o some_o occasion_n put_v off_o to_o next_o morning_n and_o so_o we_o come_v home_o again_o and_o come_v home_o be_v a_o little_a sadned_a in_o my_o spirit_n think_v of_o my_o morning-desire_n &_o when_o a_o answer_n shall_v be_v of_o they_o or_o how_o look_v for_o i_o sit_v i_o down_o and_o fall_v to_o read_v a_o little_a of_o mr._n cradock_n sermon_n before_o mention_v and_o meet_v with_o these_o word_n oh_o vain_a man_n that_o will_v be_v wise_a put_v i_o again_o in_o mind_n of_o my_o night-thought_n and_o fall_v to_o look_v the_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o in_o job_n 11._o 12._o for_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n some_o hint_n there_o be_v that_o fall_v upon_o my_o heart_n this_o night_n from_o these_o word_n vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a good_a god_n have_v not_o this_o be_v my_o condition_n this_o poor_a vain_a creature_n will_v i_o not_o fain_o be_v wise_a and_o think_v to_o be_v so_o and_o often_o pride_v myself_o in_o the_o thought_n of_o it_o for_o which_o the_o lord_n righteous_o show_v i_o now_o and_o then_o my_o folly_n yet_o how_o fain_o will_v i_o be_v wise_a in_o chalk_v out_o way_n for_o the_o lord_n to_o walk_v in_o towards_o i_o even_o as_o if_o i_o know_v better_a what_o be_v good_a for_o i_o then_o god_n or_o how_o to_o accomplish_v that_o work_n in_o my_o soul_n better_o than_o he_o and_o therefore_o be_o i_o so_o ready_a to_o prescribe_v to_o he_o way_n yea_o and_o if_o he_o refuse_v and_o reject_v they_o as_o for_o the_o most_o part_n he_o be_v please_v in_o mercy_n to_o do_v bless_a be_v his_o name_n oh_o how_o sad_o do_v it_o often_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o how_o apt_a be_o i_o to_o think_v hardly_o of_o the_o lord_n that_o true_o he_o do_v not_o mean_v i_o any_o good_a in_o deny_v i_o this_o or_o that_o i_o desire_v and_o for_o the_o late_a word_n though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n concern_v which_o i_o have_v some_o scatter_a thought_n but_o not_o so_o compose_v as_o afterward_o but_o after_o i_o have_v come_v home_o from_o james_n next_o day_n and_o have_v look_v this_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o sit_v and_o pause_v a_o while_n upon_o it_o my_o spirit_n be_v very_o much_o sadn_v and_o unfit_a for_o any_o serious_a spiritual_a meditation_n at_o last_o i_o betake_v myself_o to_o some_o short_a request_n to_o the_o lord_n tell_v he_o that_o as_o he_o be_v please_v thus_o to_o disappoint_v my_o expectation_n of_o the_o public_a enjoyment_n yet_o in_o he_o there_o be_v a_o fullness_n of_o all_o power_n and_o ability_n thereby_o be_v as_o able_a to_o speak_v to_o i_o by_o his_o own_o spirit_n something_o that_o may_v be_v of_o spiritual_a advantage_n some_o transform_a word_n which_o he_o be_v able_a to_o do_v as_o well_o in_o private_a as_o in_o public_a which_o i_o do_v now_o beg_v of_o he_o and_o to_o that_o end_n beseech_v he_o to_o lead_v i_o by_o the_o hand_n this_o day_n and_o guide_v i_o into_o the_o way_n and_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o work_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o appear_v to_o i_o with_o many_o other_o request_v both_o for_o my_o own_o soul_n and_o other_o in_o relation_n to_o i_o but_o not_o know_v what_o work_n to_o set_v upon_o this_o day_n or_o what_o to_o take_v in_o hand_n but_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n direction_n have_v many_o thing_n in_o my_o thought_n to_o do_v but_o desirous_a of_o some_o word_n from_o god_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n but_o this_o word_n in_o job_n 11._o 12._o follow_v i_o still_o i_o fall_v to_o some_o further_a thought_n of_o it_o and_o ruminate_v on_o the_o latter_a clause_n of_o be_v like_o the_o wild_a ass_n i_o begin_v to_o think_v what_o that_o scripture_n do_v record_n of_o this_o creature_n that_o i_o see_v do_v resemble_v i_o full_o and_o there_o these_o word_n of_o the_o prophet_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n that_o it_o go_v up_o and_o down_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n and_o be_v ready_a to_o be_v find_v in_o her_o month_n which_o word_n i_o find_v in_o jeremiah_n 2._o 24._o a_o wild_a ass_n use_v to_o the_o wilderness_n that_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n at_o her_o pleasure_n in_o her_o occasion_n who_o can_v turn_v she_o away_o all_o these_o that_o seek_v she_o will_v weary_v themselves_o in_o her_o month_n they_o shall_v find_v she_o in_o which_o as_o also_o in_o most_o part_n of_o the_o chapter_n i_o find_v many_o thing_n that_o sit_v very_o close_o to_o i_o the_o lord_n begin_v thus_o it_o be_v with_o i_o for_o in_o v._o 2._o i_o remember_v say_v he_o the_o kindn_a of_o thy_o youth_n the_o love_n of_o thy_o espousal_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o in_o the_o wilderness_n in_o a_o land_n that_o be_v not_o sow_o in_o the_o time_n of_o thy_o darkness_n sorrow_n and_o tear_n and_o bondage_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o and_o often_o in_o the_o bitterness_n of_o thy_o soul_n resolve_v to_o follow_v i_o through_o this_o wilderness_n though_o thou_o shall_v perish_v in_o so_o do_v yea_o resolve_v so_o to_o follow_v i_o as_o that_o thy_o heart_n be_v then_o full_o as_o it_o be_v take_v off_o from_o all_o but_o i_o thou_o do_v desire_v nothing_o but_o myself_o but_o ver_fw-la 5._o what_o iniquity_n have_v your_o father_n find_v in_o i_o that_o you_o go_v from_o i_o to_o follow_v after_o vanity_n how_o righteous_o may_v the_o lord_n say_v thus_o to_o i_o be_v he_o not_o better_o to_o i_o by_o far_o then_o ever_o i_o expect_v or_o can_v have_v believe_v v._o 6._o neither_o say_v they_o where_o
and_o pass_v judgement_n upon_o he_o and_o they_o die_v thou_o shall_v die_v temporal_o spiritual_o and_o eternal_o and_o there_o shall_v be_v enmity_n between_o thy_o seed_n and_o the_o woman_n that_o most_o of_o thy_o seed_n shall_v take_v in_o with_o satan_n and_o perish_v eternal_o how_o many_o million_o perish_v upon_o the_o account_n of_o that_o one_o sin_n so_o the_o angel_n they_o fall_v present_o and_o irrecoverable_o for_o that_o one_o sin_n of_o pride_n though_o such_o glorious_a creature_n who_o can_v do_v more_o than_o thousand_o of_o man_n and_o may_v have_v be_v so_o useful_a to_o the_o church_n be_v spiritual_a have_v they_o stand_v who_o can_v immediate_o comfort_v when_o no_o other_o creature_n can_v yea_o can_v have_v feed_v eli_n ah_n and_o daniel_n yet_o these_o for_o that_o sin_n perish_v eternal_o 2._o it_o appear_v by_o the_o way_n he_o take_v to_o repel_v it_o sin_n have_v get_v the_o throne_n and_o poor_a man_n bring_v into_o a_o perish_a condition_n by_o it_o and_o not_o able_a to_o oppose_v it_o now_o christ_n hate_v it_o so_o that_o the_o contest_v now_o come_v between_o christ_n and_o sin_n and_o he_o will_v die_v to_o destroy_v it_o 3._o it_o appear_v by_o the_o dreadfulness_n of_o the_o doom_n of_o those_o that_o be_v overpower_v by_o sin_n who_o be_v judge_v to_o eternal_a fire_n without_o pity_n or_o recovery_n than_o he_o come_v to_o show_v we_o how_o lovely_a christ_n be_v to_o the_o saint_n for_o hate_v iniquity_n and_o o_o my_o soul_n with_o what_o mighty_a power_n and_o weight_n do_v this_o fall_n upon_o thy_o heart_n as_o 1._o he_o show_v we_o that_o christ_n loveliness_n in_o this_o attribute_n arise_v from_o the_o unanimity_n and_o one-ness_a of_o mind_n between_o christ_n and_o a_o believer_n in_o this_o hatred_n of_o he_o for_o as_o christ_n hate_v the_o sin_n but_o love_v the_o believer_n so_o the_o believer_n hate_v iniquity_n but_o love_v christ_n so_o that_o the_o love_n of_o both_o person_n centre_n in_o one_o and_o their_o hatred_n in_o one_o and_o their_o love_n meet_v in_o each_o other_o person_n and_o their_o hatred_n also_o and_o that_o believer_n hate_v sin_n so_o that_o nothing_o can_v breed_v more_o love_n than_o this_o do_v christ_n say_v i_o hate_v iniquity_n oh_o therefore_o hate_v it_o more_o you_o believer_n yea_o pursue_v the_o life_n of_o it_o and_o i_o appeal_v to_o the_o lord_n if_o i_o do_v not_o hate_v it_o with_o a_o perfect_a hatred_n 2._o christ_n be_v lovely_a for_o hate_v sin_n because_o this_o attribute_n set_v all_o his_o attribute_n on_o work_n against_o all_o the_o enemy_n of_o a_o believer_n the_o poor_a soul_n hate_v sin_n but_o be_v not_o able_a to_o deal_v with_o it_o but_o christ_n so_o hate_v it_o that_o he_o be_v able_a to_o conquer_v it_o oh_o what_o a_o bless_a sight_n of_o christ_n be_v this_o that_o though_o the_o poor_a soul_n be_v overpower_v with_o sin_n daily_a yet_o that_o christ_n hate_v it_o and_o be_v engae_v against_o it_o as_o hate_v of_o he_o so_o that_o now_o either_o chriist_n or_o it_o must_v perish_v oh_o what_o a_o lovely_a sight_n be_v this_o because_o out_o of_o this_o hatred_n of_o christ_n come_v the_o ruin_n of_o the_o soul_n enemy_n sin_n and_o satan_n which_o seek_v thy_o ruin_n daily_a but_o bless_v be_v god_n that_o christ_n hate_v they_o and_o will_v certain_o ruin_v they_o either_o he_o or_o sin_n must_v cow_v oh_o what_o comfort_n be_v this_o that_o we_o poor_a creature_n have_v in_o christ_n that_o when_o we_o come_v even_o to_o struggle_v with_o sin_n and_o satan_n christ_n like_o fire_n will_v consume_v and_o burn_v they_o yea_o as_o he_o show_v this_o hatred_n be_v a_o act_n of_o christ_n will_n and_o if_o he_o have_v not_o his_o will_n where_o be_v his_o godhead_n therefore_o the_o quarrel_n be_v between_o the_o will_n of_o christ_n and_o the_o will_n of_o sin_n i_o will_v damn_v thou_o to_o hell_n say_v sin_n and_o satan_n but_o i_o will_v kill_v thou_o o_o sin_n and_o satan_n say_v christ_n so_o as_o the_o quarrel_n be_v not_o so_o much_o for_o believer_n person_n as_o for_o christ_n will_n and_o christ_n will_v certain_o have_v his_o will_n oh_o bless_a word_n to_o my_o soul_n 3._o christ_n be_v lovely_a in_o this_o because_o the_o saint_n see_v the_o glory_n of_o all_o christ_n other_o excellency_n through_o this_o the_o wicked_a see_v and_o fall_v at_o the_o dread_n of_o christ_n hatred_n but_o see_v not_o the_o justness_n and_o righteousness_n of_o all_o christ_n administration_n as_o the_o saint_n do_v they_o can_v see_v the_o justness_n and_o righteousness_n of_o christ_n in_o damn_v of_o man_n to_o hell_n for_o sin_n yea_o the_o saint_n can_v behold_v christ_n love_n to_o they_o in_o this_o hatred_n of_o sin_n this_o 10_o of_o this_o month_n be_v the_o same_o lord_n day_n in_o the_o evening_n while_o i_o be_v endeavour_v to_o bless_v and_o praise_v the_o name_n of_o this_o my_o glorious_a god_n for_o his_o eminent_a appearance_n this_o day_n which_o i_o desire_v never_o to_o forget_v it_o fall_v upon_o my_o heart_n among_o other_o thing_n to_o tell_v the_o lord_n that_o see_v he_o have_v cast_v such_o a_o hint_n upon_o my_o heart_n that_o the_o best_a thankfulness_n for_o mercy_n receive_v be_v to_o gather_v in_o upon_o god_n for_o more_o mercy_n i_o do_v therefore_o desire_n that_o to_o all_o his_o abundant_a appearance_n to_o my_o soul_n this_o day_n he_o will_v please_v to_o add_v this_o mercy_n which_o i_o desire_v to_o plead_v with_o he_o for_o this_o evening_n that_o as_o he_o have_v glorious_o unvail_v through_o his_o word_n the_o hatred_n of_o my_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n against_o sin_n that_o he_o will_v now_o also_o show_v its_o evil_n by_o experience_n that_o it_o may_v appear_v that_o real_o he_o do_v hate_v sin_n yea_o every_o sin_n in_o my_o soul_n by_o his_o pursue_v the_o life_n and_o draw_v out_o the_o blood_n of_o it_o tell_v he_o withal_o that_o if_o any_o sin_n be_v the_o object_n of_o the_o hatred_n of_o my_o soul_n than_o needs_o must_v this_o corruption_n of_o i_o in_o a_o special_a manner_n be_v so_o diametrical_o opposite_a to_o he_o as_o the_o set_n up_o of_o any_o thing_n or_o creature_n in_o his_o throne_n yea_o even_o at_o this_o present_a wherein_o he_o have_v so_o glorious_o appear_v that_o the_o consolation_n of_o god_n be_v not_o small_a to_o my_o soul_n they_o come_v with_o such_o mighty_a power_n pray_v he_o in_o a_o special_a manner_n to_o pursue_v the_o body_n of_o this_o corruption_n and_o let_v my_o soul_n find_v that_o real_o it_o be_v the_o object_n of_o the_o hatred_n of_o jesus_n christ_n and_o shall_v certain_o be_v ruin_v by_o he_o have_v get_v a_o great_a cold_a which_o do_v somewhat_o distemper_v i_o i_o be_v in_o a_o great_a question_n whether_o i_o shall_v the_o twenty_o of_o this_o ten_o month_n go_v to_o the_o ordinance_n or_o no_o at_o last_o i_o desire_v to_o give_v it_o up_o to_o the_o lord_n bseech_v he_o to_o direct_v i_o what_o to_o do_v desire_v only_o to_o be_v lead_v by_o he_o at_o last_o i_o resolve_v god_n will_v to_o wait_v upon_o he_o this_o day_n at_o fulham_n and_o as_o for_o the_o next_o day_n let_v the_o lord_n do_v with_o i_o what_o he_o will_v whether_o to_o fit_v i_o to_o go_v or_o disable_v i_o have_v many_o fear_n upon_o my_o spirit_n concern_v my_o go_n whether_o it_o be_v a_o right_n and_o pure_a aim_v at_o god_n and_o seek_v his_o presence_n yea_o or_o no_o be_v not_o able_a to_o satisfy_v myself_o in_o this_o question_n thus_o i_o say_v desire_v the_o lord_n appearance_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o speak_v some_o word_n to_o he_o for_o my_o spiritual_a advantage_n i_o go_v this_o day_n to_o fulham_n where_o the_o lord_n show_v i_o what_o a_o bless_a thing_n it_o be_v to_o have_v a_o sight_n of_o god_n from_o those_o word_n in_o matt._n 13._o bless_a be_v the_o eye_n that_o see_v the_o thing_n you_o see_v and_o the_o ear_n that_o hear_v the_o thing_n you_o hear_v whence_o the_o lord_n show_v i_o what_o a_o abundant_a cause_n i_o have_v to_o bless_v he_o for_o they_o those_o many_o sight_n he_o have_v give_v i_o of_o himself_o when_o he_o have_v leave_v so_o many_o in_o the_o dark_a and_o never_o give_v they_o one_o glimpse_n of_o himself_o but_o be_v exceed_o ill_a and_o weary_a this_o night_n i_o go_v to_o bed_v betimes_o wait_v what_o the_o lord_n will_v do_v with_o i_o and_o true_o in_o the_o morning_n i_o think_v i_o find_v myself_o unfit_a to_o go_v forth_o consider_v also_o our_o meeting_n the_o next_o day_n which_o haply_o the_o lord_n may_v make_v i_o more_o fit_a to_o enjoy_v yet_o i_o must_v needs_o say_v i_o real_o think_v the_o trouble_n that_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n about_o the_o straightness_n of_o my_o end_n in_o go_v do_v more_o discourage_v i_o then_o the_o unfitness_n of_o my_o body_n but_o what_o through_o the_o one_o and_o the_o other_o i_o dare_v not_o go_v forth_o this_o 21._o day_n and_o so_o my_o mother_n and_o aunt_n dogget_n only_o go_v and_o i_o stay_v at_o home_n but_o when_o i_o arise_v i_o find_v myself_o pretty_a well_o so_o as_o i_o begin_v to_o be_v somewhat_o trouble_v that_o i_o have_v stay_v at_o home_n fear_v that_o this_o may_v be_v only_o a_o subtle_a device_n of_o satan_n to_o hinder_v i_o of_o this_o opportunity_n and_o so_o turn_v myself_o to_o the_o lord_n i_o beseech_v he_o that_o if_o it_o be_v he_o that_o have_v this_o day_n prevent_v i_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o make_v it_o up_o to_o my_o soul_n some_o other_o way_n by_o hint_v out_o something_o by_o his_o spirit_n to_o my_o heart_n that_o may_v be_v for_o my_o spiritual_a advantage_n and_o true_o while_o i_o be_v endeavour_v to_o press_v this_o upon_o the_o lord_n immediate_o after_o there_o fall_v this_o apprehension_n upon_o my_o heart_n or_o rather_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o to_o drop_v it_o which_o be_v this_o oh_o lord_n how_o come_v it_o to_o pass_v that_o my_o soul_n be_v so_o exceed_o take_v with_o any_o spark_n of_o thy_o gloous_a image_n in_o poor_a mortal_a creature_n shall_v at_o the_o present_a rebel_n and_o murmur_v at_o thy_o holy_a and_o bless_a will_n which_o be_v part_n of_o thy_o essential_a glory_n if_o the_o sight_n of_o thy_o image_n be_v so_o please_v to_o i_o why_o then_o be_v not_o the_o sight_n of_o thy_o will_n which_o be_v thyself_o much_o more_o glorious_a than_o the_o ray_n of_o thy_o that_o shine_n upon_o thy_o creature_n why_o be_v not_o this_o as_o please_a as_o delightful_a and_o contentful_a to_o i_o which_o hint_n i_o can_v not_o but_o look_v upon_o as_o a_o real_a answer_n of_o this_o desire_n the_o lord_n make_v it_o of_o use_n to_o i_o i_o be_o sure_a it_o be_v such_o a_o consideration_n and_o meditation_n that_o if_o the_o lord_n will_v but_o please_v to_o set_v it_o home_o with_o power_n may_v be_v of_o abundant_a advantage_n to_o my_o wicked_a spirit_n the_o lord_n in_o mercy_n for_o christ_n sake_n make_v it_o so_o the_o 22._o of_o this_o ten_o month_n be_v a_o day_n appoint_v for_o our_o church-meeting_a i_o earnest_o beseech_v the_o lord_n that_o if_o he_o see_v it_o meet_v to_o carry_v i_o forth_o this_o day_n he_o will_v also_o go_v along_o with_o i_o and_o vouchsafe_v his_o gracious_a presence_n to_o i_o in_o speak_v some_o seasonable_a word_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n that_o may_v appear_v even_o to_o come_v from_o himself_o beg_v also_o his_o presence_n in_o and_o through_o all_o these_o his_o instrument_n which_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o make_v use_n of_o this_o day_n and_o o_o my_o soul_n how_o glorious_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o appear_v this_o day_n in_o cheer_v and_o refresh_v thy_o poor_a droop_a spirit_n even_o so_o as_o thou_o be_v not_o able_a to_o continue_v thyself_o in_o this_o wonderful_a appearance_n of_o god_n cast_v they_o upon_o so_o suitable_a a_o word_n even_o to_o the_o estate_n of_o my_o poor_a soul_n at_o this_o present_a and_o that_o scripture_n our_o brother_n oâ—…_n begin_v with_o and_o be_v after_o pursue_v sweet_o by_o our_o dear_a pastor_n be_v the_o 73_o â—sa_fw-la the_o end_n of_o the_o three_o book_n finis_fw-la
in_o his_o family_n upon_o his_o child_n and_o servant_n and_o by_o this_o mean_v this_o daughter_n and_o one_o of_o his_o servant_n be_v bring_v home_o unto_o the_o lord_n and_o which_o i_o mention_v as_o a_o alarm_n to_o the_o saint_n to_o the_o practice_n of_o this_o duty_n which_o seem_v in_o this_o licentious_a age_n to_o be_v so_o great_o neglect_v she_o have_v this_o honour_n to_o enjoy_v the_o endear_a affection_n of_o all_o saint_n that_o converse_v with_o she_o as_o be_v eminent_a in_o these_o grace_n first_o in_o love_n to_o all_o saint_n though_o of_o different_a judgement_n where_o she_o discern_v any_o character_n of_o christ_n image_n her_o heart_n delight_v in_o they_o which_o grace_n shine_v the_o more_o clear_o because_o she_o live_v in_o a_o time_n wherein_o the_o contrary_a evil_n must_v prevail_v again_o she_o be_v eminent_o exemplary_a in_o that_o holy_a art_n of_o the_o improvement_n of_o the_o society_n of_o the_o saint_n by_o serious_a propound_v of_o prepare_a question_n about_o matter_n of_o most_o infinite_a concernment_n with_o such_o wisdom_n in_o search_v out_o the_o deep_a of_o the_o treasure_n god_n have_v lay_v up_o in_o other_o heart_n that_o she_o grow_v abundant_o in_o experimental_a knowledge_n of_o save_a truth_n and_o be_v able_a and_o ready_a to_o communicate_v rich_o unto_o other_o she_o be_v a_o most_o diligent_a christian_a in_o attend_v all_o the_o ordinance_n and_o in_o every_o administration_n do_v hearken_v what_o god_n say_v to_o her_o soul_n and_o as_o her_o soul_n wait_v for_o some_o discovery_n of_o god_n so_o the_o shine_a forth_o of_o god_n in_o his_o counsel_n and_o comfort_n she_o do_v abundant_o enjoy_v she_o be_v a_o careful_a observer_n of_o the_o lord_n day_n and_o find_v such_o profit_n in_o the_o way_n of_o the_o almighty_a that_o his_o day_n be_v her_o delight_n and_o she_o requent_o be_v fill_v in_o her_o soul_n as_o with_o marrow_n and_o fatness_n she_o be_v a_o steady_a christian_a in_o reel_a time_n and_o receive_v nothing_o for_o truth_n but_o what_o she_o will_v often_o weigh_v in_o the_o balance_n or_o the_o sanctuary_n and_o upon_o solid_a ground_n lay_v up_o in_o her_o heart_n or_o put_v forth_o in_o her_o practice_n and_o for_o her_o diligence_n and_o industry_n about_o heavenly_a thing_n she_o so_o far_o abound_v that_o whoever_o have_v the_o sight_n of_o her_o labour_n will_v not_o easy_o conceive_v so_o much_o can_v be_v do_v in_o one_o who_o life_n be_v so_o short_a she_o write_v her_o daily_a meditation_n upon_o the_o holy_a book_n of_o god_n which_o she_o keep_v in_o a_o book_n fair_a write_v she_o contract_v all_o she_o hear_v in_o the_o public_a ministry_n into_o a_o method_n &_o in_o a_o book_n in_o folio_n have_v fair_o transcribe_v some_o part_n of_o that_o work_n which_o will_v have_v contain_v the_o substance_n of_o all_o the_o labour_n of_o the_o minister_n of_o christ_n who_o ministry_n she_o be_v partaker_n of_o and_o in_o another_o have_v write_v all_o the_o attribute_n of_o god_n and_o christ_n that_o she_o can_v find_v in_o scripture_n for_o the_o strengthen_n of_o the_o say_v of_o believer_n the_o truth_n be_v she_o be_v a_o soul_n whole_o dedicate_v to_o the_o lord_n and_o in_o her_o whole_a conversation_n humble_a and_o holy_a and_o tender-hearted_a one_o true_o wean_v from_o this_o world_n weary_a of_o it_o and_o often_o breathe_v out_o holy_a long_n to_o be_v with_o christ_n frequent_o say_v what_o be_v there_o in_o this_o dark_a world_n that_o shall_v cause_v a_o christian_n to_o desire_v to_o continue_v in_o it_o and_o as_o she_o long_v to_o be_v at_o home_n so_o the_o lord_n hasten_v the_o time_n and_o in_o her_o tender_a year_n gather_v she_o to_o himself_o and_o in_o her_o death_n she_o show_v forth_o a_o gracious_a frame_n of_o spirit_n and_o with_o holy_a confidence_n in_o christ_n resign_v herself_o to_o he_o and_o such_o be_v her_o holy_a jealousy_n of_o any_o pride_n or_o hypocrisy_n that_o may_v arise_v by_o discover_v 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heart_n and_o to_o give_v in_o some_o kind_n of_o desire_n after_o the_o best_a thing_n whereupon_o i_o begin_v to_o take_v some_o delight_n in_o hear_v the_o word_n but_o most_o of_o all_o in_o read_v to_o myself_o in_o which_o i_o then_o spend_v many_o hour_n if_o not_o whole_a day_n the_o lord_n set_v the_o one_o and_o the_o other_o so_o home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n as_o to_o convince_v i_o both_o of_o my_o sinful_a and_o miserable_a condition_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o continual_a breach_n of_o his_o holy_a law_n and_o grieve_v the_o spirit_n of_o my_o parent_n the_o which_o be_v much_o set_v home_o upon_o i_o by_o read_v mr._n dod_n upon_o the_o commandment_n and_o the_o like_a treatise_n whereupon_o i_o have_v a_o temptation_n to_o curse_v the_o day_n of_o my_o birth_n which_o in_o some_o measure_n i_o consent_v unto_o often_o wish_v that_o i_o have_v never_o be_v bear_v or_o at_o the_o least_o have_v dye_v from_o the_o breast_n as_o i_o see_v some_o of_o my_o brother_n esteem_v 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the_o lord_n day_n i_o think_v myself_o all_o this_o while_n to_o be_v in_o the_o belly_n of_o hell_n be_v thereunto_o condemn_v by_o my_o own_o conscience_n so_o that_o i_o can_v receive_v no_o contentment_n in_o all_o the_o fullness_n of_o those_o outward_a thing_n which_o i_o there_o enjoy_v but_o be_v restless_a until_o i_o get_v home_o again_o be_v yet_o only_o convince_v of_o my_o actual_a evil_n but_o when_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n and_o other_o private_a instruction_n go_v along_o with_o it_o to_o convince_v i_o in_o some_o measure_n of_o my_o original_a corruption_n that_o i_o bring_v into_o the_o
world_n with_o i_o then_o do_v the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o see_v that_o all_o my_o former_a desire_n will_v have_v be_v nothing_o but_o that_o i_o may_v even_o then_o have_v go_v to_o hell_n as_o well_o as_o afterward_o whereupon_o i_o be_v much_o trouble_v and_o very_o desirous_a to_o read_v and_o hear_v all_o the_o mark_n of_o a_o righteous_a man_n that_o shall_v go_v to_o heaven_n and_o according_o i_o get_v a_o book_n call_v mr._n roger_n evidence_n and_o a_o other_o call_v the_o touchstone_n of_o true_a grace_n a_o other_o call_v none_o but_o christ_n and_o divers_a other_o which_o i_o do_v daily_o read_v on_o for_o many_o hour_n together_o then_o come_v the_o devil_n upon_o i_o with_o this_o temptation_n that_o i_o shall_v keep_v all_o this_o my_o trouble_n to_o myself_o and_o not_o discover_v it_o to_o any_o although_o never_o so_o near_o or_o dear_a unto_o i_o which_o temptation_n i_o whole_o yield_v unto_o and_o that_o for_o many_o year_n together_o until_o i_o even_o destroy_v my_o bodily_a health_n with_o continual_a trouble_n fear_n and_o sadness_n but_o not_o discover_v any_o cause_n of_o it_o so_o that_o all_o the_o support_n i_o have_v be_v what_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o hand_n out_o to_o i_o by_o hear_v and_o read_v which_o he_o be_v please_v to_o make_v effectual_a still_o to_o lead_v i_o on_o though_o with_o much_o trouble_n and_o sadness_n then_o in_o the_o begin_n of_o these_o trouble_n be_v in_o the_o year_n 1638._o or_o 1639._o i_o be_v some_o 12_o or_o 13_o year_n old_a which_o be_v time_n of_o great_a fear_n and_o sadness_n the_o people_n of_o god_n meet_v often_o and_o speak_v one_o to_o a_o other_o and_o keep_v day_n of_o humiliation_n and_o seek_v the_o lord_n in_o the_o behalf_n of_o the_o nation_n and_o his_o poor_a people_n in_o it_o my_o parent_n often_o go_v to_o these_o meeting_n but_o not_o dare_v to_o tell_v i_o it_o the_o time_n be_v so_o dangerous_a at_o last_o have_v often_o observe_v the_o frame_n of_o their_o spirit_n at_o such_o time_n more_o especial_o i_o begin_v much_o to_o long_o and_o desire_v to_o know_v whither_o they_o go_v and_o be_v very_o importunate_a with_o my_o mother_n to_o that_o end_n and_o at_o last_o prevail_v she_o be_v content_a to_o let_v i_o go_v along_o with_o they_o which_o be_v so_o please_v to_o i_o that_o ever_o after_o i_o continue_v to_o go_v with_o they_o every_o week_n almost_o and_o sometime_o often_o where_o i_o find_v often_o much_o refreshment_n especial_o bear_v up_o my_o heart_n under_o those_o eminent_a danger_n which_o in_o a_o especial_a manner_n we_o lie_v open_a unto_o which_o the_o devil_n perceive_v to_o be_v agreat_a encouragement_n to_o i_o in_o the_o way_n i_o now_o desire_v to_o walk_v in_o use_v many_o temptation_n work_v together_o with_o the_o corruption_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n in_o this_o estate_n of_o my_o childhood_n to_o hinder_v i_o from_o enjoy_v these_o opportunity_n as_o some_o time_n sleepiness_n be_v fain_o to_o go_v early_o in_o the_o morning_n and_o cold_a it_o be_v in_o the_o deep_a of_o winter_n etc._n etc._n with_o several_a other_o temptation_n as_o the_o danger_n if_o we_o shall_v be_v take_v as_o some_o have_v be_v and_o all_o this_o to_o discourage_v i_o which_o sometime_o he_o well_o nigh_o accomplish_v but_o ponder_v it_o sin_v my_o mind_n and_o be_v enable_v to_o conceive_v it_o to_o be_v but_o a_o temptation_n i_o dare_v very_o seldom_o if_o ever_o give_v way_n to_o they_o but_o be_v still_o enable_v to_o break_v through_o though_o true_o i_o have_v much_o admire_v since_o how_o my_o spirit_n be_v carry_v out_o in_o those_o day_n in_o join_v in_o prayer_n etc._n etc._n how_o exceed_o sometime_o my_o heart_n be_v wrought_v upon_o and_o constrain_v to_o pour_v forth_o tear_n and_o groan_n yea_o my_o heart_n be_v wrought_v up_o to_o such_o a_o frame_n and_o i_o find_v so_o much_o sweetness_n as_o i_o apprehend_v in_o the_o company_n of_o the_o saint_n and_o those_o enjoyment_n my_o soul_n feel_v in_o such_o duty_n that_o i_o think_v i_o can_v free_o and_o cheerful_o lay_v down_o my_o life_n with_o they_o more_o free_o than_o i_o fear_v i_o can_v long_o since_o master_n love_n then_o come_v to_o london_n and_o sometime_o meet_v he_o at_o these_o private_a meeting_n and_o so_o have_v some_o knowledge_n of_o he_o and_o be_v afterward_o choose_v chaplain_n to_o my_o father_n regiment_n and_o so_o go_v to_o windsor_n with_o we_o about_o the_o year_n 1642._o and_o so_o live_v in_o the_o house_n with_o we_o for_o 2_o year_n a_o half_a who_o at_o our_o first_o go_n perceive_v much_o sadness_n to_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o know_v by_o experience_n what_o a_o trouble_a spirit_n be_v he_o have_v former_o lie_v under_o it_o for_o divers_a year_n do_v at_o last_o serious_o burden_n i_o with_o it_o which_o come_v upon_o i_o in_o such_o a_o nick_n of_o time_n have_v but_o a_o little_a before_o be_v read_v in_o a_o little_a book_n that_o i_o have_v wherein_o i_o be_v direct_v that_o if_o any_o trouble_n lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n i_o shall_v reveal_v it_o that_o so_o i_o may_v receive_v satisfaction_n which_o ponder_v with_o in_o myself_o i_o dare_v not_o deny_v it_o but_o tell_v he_o in_o some_o measure_n the_o ground_n of_o my_o trouble_n and_o he_o endeavour_v to_o satisfy_v i_o from_o the_o word_n which_o he_o have_v no_o soon_o do_v in_o any_o measure_n but_o still_o the_o devil_n begin_v with_o new_a and_o fresh_a temptation_n and_o when_o what_o have_v be_v say_v to_o i_o be_v a_o little_a out_o of_o my_o mind_n which_o he_o will_v soon_o find_v occasion_n to_o put_v out_o then_o come_v he_o over_o with_o the_o old_a temptation_n again_o work_v they_o fresh_a upon_o my_o thought_n endeavour_v still_o to_o drive_v i_o to_o despair_v of_o ever_o receive_v any_o mercy_n of_o god_n then_o stand_v i_o convince_v from_o the_o word_n and_o divers_a instruction_n i_o meet_v withal_o ground_v thereupon_o that_o it_o be_v my_o duty_n to_o perform_v private_a duty_n as_o well_o as_o public_a as_o prayer_n meditation_n examination_n and_o the_o like_a which_o i_o know_v not_o how_o to_o set_v about_o in_o a_o serious_a manner_n be_v every_o way_n unfit_a for_o it_o and_o unable_a to_o it_o so_o that_o often_o through_o neglect_n and_o mis-performance_n this_o also_o add_v to_o my_o trouble_n and_o sadness_n then_o hear_v mr._n love_n preach_v upon_o that_o scripture_n mat._n 5._o 20._o for_o i_o say_v unto_o you_o except_o your_o righteousness_n shall_v exceed_v the_o righteousness_n of_o the_o scribe_n and_o pharisee_n you_o shall_v in_o no_o wise_n enter_v into_o the_o kingdom_n of_o heaven_n and_o hear_v how_o far_o the_o pharisee_n go_v in_o the_o performance_n of_o duty_n and_o avoid_v of_o evil_n etc._n etc._n which_o i_o see_v myself_o so_o short_a of_o which_o make_v i_o conclude_v i_o shall_v also_o be_v short_a of_o heaven_n my_o eye_n &_o understanding_n be_v then_o withhold_v from_o the_o right_a understanding_n of_o the_o spiritual_a sense_n of_o that_o scripture_n which_o since_o the_o lord_n of_o his_o rich_a grace_n have_v enable_v i_o to_o see_v fulfil_v in_o the_o lord_n jesus_n who_o be_v i_o through_o faith_n a_o while_n after_o he_o do_v also_o preach_v upon_o that_o scripture_n in_o heb._n 12._o 15_o 16_o 17._o look_v diligent_o lest_o there_o be_v any_o fornicator_n or_o profane_a person_n as_o esau_n who_o for_o one_o morsel_n of_o meat_n sell_v his_o birthright_n for_o you_o know_v how_o that_o afterward_o when_o he_o will_v have_v inherit_v the_o blessing_n he_o be_v reject_v for_o he_o find_v no_o place_n of_o repentance_n though_o he_o seek_v it_o careful_o with_o tear_n upon_o the_o hear_n of_o which_o it_o be_v suggest_v to_o i_o that_o i_o have_v never_o seek_v the_o blessing_n so_o diligent_o careful_o and_o importunate_o as_o profane_v esau_n do_v and_o therefore_o shall_v much_o more_o go_v without_o it_o the_o thought_n of_o which_o scripture_n among_o divers_a other_o strike_v so_o deep_a in_o i_o that_o it_o much_o increase_v my_o sadness_n so_o that_o i_o can_v take_v little_a delight_n in_o any_o thing_n in_o the_o world_n but_o as_o often_o as_o i_o can_v refuse_v to_o go_v into_o any_o company_n choose_v rather_o a_o solitary_a life_n yet_o still_o endeavour_v to_o keep_v all_o to_o myself_o make_v nothing_o know_v but_o only_o those_o daily_a bodily_a weakness_n which_o do_v also_o accompany_v i_o in_o great_a measure_n in_o this_o condition_n i_o continue_v for_o that_o time_n i_o be_v at_o windsor_n be_v often_o condemn_v in_o my_o own_o conscience_n for_o my_o neglect_n of_o duty_n and_o commission_n of_o sin_n etc._n etc._n and_o what_o ever_o have_v at_o
that_o his_o soul_n abhor_v and_o lie_v under_o the_o apprehension_n of_o myself_o as_o one_o cast_v off_o by_o god_n who_o he_o never_o regard_v have_v pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o beg_v a_o soft_a heart_n and_o a_o renew_a and_o change_v nature_n urge_v he_o often_o with_o that_o similitude_n of_o a_o child_n come_v to_o his_o father_n to_o beg_v bread_n mat._n 7._o 9_o 10_o 11._o or_o rather_o in_o my_o apprehension_n find_v my_o heart_n grow_v more_o hard_a and_o my_o affection_n more_o cold_a and_o lukewarm_a i_o lay_v under_o another_o temptation_n from_o satan_n that_o sure_o i_o be_v but_o a_o hypocrite_n in_o all_o that_o i_o do_v and_o therefore_o shall_v but_o heap_v up_o wrath_n against_o myself_o as_o in_o job_n 36._o 13._o and_o this_o be_v set_v home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n upon_o several_a ground_n as_o 1._o because_o as_o he_o tell_v i_o i_o do_v not_o so_o much_o aim_v at_o the_o glory_n of_o god_n as_o at_o that_o happy_a estate_n which_o be_v to_o be_v enjoy_v in_o heaven_n 2._o because_o i_o can_v not_o find_v my_o love_n work_v so_o strong_o towards_o god_n as_o towards_o myself_o desire_v to_o be_v free_v from_o the_o torment_n of_o hell_n which_o i_o conceive_v to_o be_v intolerable_a as_o also_o 3._o find_v sometime_o a_o kind_n of_o secret_a desire_n that_o some_o body_n may_v hear_v or_o know_v of_o my_o performance_n of_o duty_n etc._n etc._n though_o i_o never_o dare_v act_n in_o any_o measure_n so_o as_o that_o it_o may_v be_v discern_v but_o always_o strive_v to_o my_o utmost_a ability_n to_o conceal_v what_o ever_o possible_o i_o may_v yet_o find_v sometime_o some_o such_o desire_n of_o vain_a glory_n in_o my_o spirit_n that_o though_o i_o do_v do_v it_o thus_o private_o yet_o if_o it_o can_v have_v be_v know_v and_o not_o by_o my_o mean_n i_o think_v i_o can_v be_v content_a and_o this_o also_o lay_v as_o a_o heavy_a weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o think_v that_o there_o shall_v such_o wicked_a vain_a and_o sinful_a thought_n and_o desire_n be_v suggest_v to_o i_o or_o for_o anytime_n though_o never_o so_o small_a lodge_v within_o i_o jer._n 4._o 14._o which_o when_o i_o begin_v to_o consider_v sad_o of_o do_v but_o still_o renew_v and_o increase_v my_o trouble_n and_o fear_n be_v a_o discovery_n of_o the_o hypocrisy_n that_o be_v in_o my_o heart_n and_o for_o the_o most_o part_n of_o this_o my_o trouble_n i_o lay_v under_o such_o a_o sense_n of_o the_o wrath_n of_o god_n that_o i_o think_v that_o all_o i_o have_v and_o enjoy_v be_v curse_v to_o i_o often_o admire_v that_o every_o bit_n of_o bread_n i_o eat_v do_v not_o choke_v i_o or_o every_o creature_n do_v not_o put_v a_o end_n to_o my_o life_n often_o fear_v that_o the_o company_n i_o be_v in_o shall_v fare_v the_o worse_a for_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o if_o i_o go_v by_o water_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o conceive_v i_o may_v be_v a_o occasion_n of_o drown_v all_o those_o that_o be_v with_o i_o oh_o how_o desirous_a be_v my_o soul_n at_o this_o time_n of_o the_o help_n and_o counsel_n of_o my_o godly_a wise_a friend_n and_o christian_n but_o through_o many_o and_o sundry_a temptation_n still_o deprive_v myself_o of_o it_o and_o of_o the_o benefit_n i_o may_v have_v gain_v by_o it_o through_o my_o wicked_a silence_n in_o all_o company_n and_o loathness_n to_o impart_v my_o condition_n to_o any_o sometime_o my_o wicked_a corrupt_a heart_n will_v base_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a to_o discourse_v or_o speak_v of_o any_o spiritual_a thing_n and_o therefore_o i_o shall_v but_o only_o thereby_o discover_v my_o own_o ignorance_n and_o no_o way_n advantage_v myself_o etc._n etc._n which_o when_o i_o be_v enable_v still_o to_o consider_v better_o of_o recollect_v my_o thought_n and_o call_v they_o into_o question_n as_o it_o be_v then_o come_v the_o devil_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o this_o do_v but_o note_v my_o hypocrisy_n and_o far_o when_o i_o have_v be_v trouble_v with_o it_o to_o think_v that_o i_o shall_v give_v way_n to_o such_o wicked_a thought_n as_o these_o then_o come_v in_o satan_n again_o on_o the_o other_o side_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o if_o i_o shall_v put_v myself_o forward_o in_o any_o discourse_n i_o shall_v but_o thereby_o cause_v other_o to_o have_v a_o better_a opinion_n of_o i_o than_o indeed_o i_o deserve_v and_o so_o deceive_v other_o and_o delude_v my_o own_o soul_n and_o this_o latter_a temptation_n be_v that_o which_o indeed_o do_v often_o prevail_v with_o i_o be_v ever_o most_o of_o all_o prone_a to_o fear_v the_o delusion_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o so_o esteem_v my_o condition_n to_o be_v better_a than_o it_o be_v this_o go_v on_o in_o this_o way_n of_o wicked_a silence_n make_v many_o of_o my_o christian_a friend_n i_o do_v real_o believe_v not_o know_v what_o to_o think_v of_o i_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v estrange_v from_o i_o which_o i_o soon_o perceive_v it_o be_v a_o most_o heavy_a affliction_n to_o i_o &_o such_o as_o the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n know_v lay_v very_o sad_o upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o in_o any_o measure_n make_v know_v to_o they_o but_o between_o god_n and_o my_o own_o soul_n condole_v this_o my_o miserable_a condition_n then_o be_v to_o remove_v out_o of_o london_n which_o be_v a_o exceed_a trouble_n to_o i_o to_o consider_v how_o we_o shall_v by_o it_o be_v deprive_v of_o those_o mean_n which_o we_o there_o may_v enjoy_v although_o indeed_o neither_o my_o father_n mother_n or_o myself_o can_v enjoy_v our_o health_n there_o and_o remove_v into_o the_o country_n about_o the_o year_n 1647._o i_o find_v the_o ministry_n under_o which_o i_o then_o be_v exceed_o dead_a and_o spiritless_a then_o when_o i_o come_v home_o i_o think_v i_o know_v as_o much_o and_o no_o more_o to_o my_o edification_n in_o that_o condition_n i_o be_v in_o than_o i_o do_v when_o i_o go_v the_o subject_n which_o be_v then_o and_o for_o a_o long_a time_n together_o treat_v on_o be_v that_o scripture_n gen._n 2._o 7._o the_o lord_n breathe_v into_o man_n the_o breath_n of_o life_n and_o man_n become_v a_o live_a soul_n the_o main_a scope_n of_o the_o minister_n be_v to_o show_v what_o the_o natural_a soul_n be_v that_o god_n have_v put_v into_o man_n handle_v it_o as_o i_o conceive_v more_o like_a a_o philosopher_n than_o a_o gospel-preacher_n which_o notional_a thing_n be_v not_o those_o which_o can_v satisfy_v my_o soul_n which_o want_v now_o some_o support_n from_o heaven_n in_o this_o sad_a droop_a condition_n i_o be_v in_o but_o meet_v with_o nothing_o suitable_a to_o my_o present_a estate_n and_o be_v here_o cast_v in_o a_o place_n where_o i_o be_v deprive_v of_o all_o other_o mean_n i_o grow_v still_o into_o a_o more_o sad_a condition_n every_o day_n then_o do_v i_o lie_v under_o a_o very_a sad_a and_o strange_a temptation_n to_o neglect_v the_o ordinance_n of_o preach_v which_o be_v ground_v upon_o the_o pretence_n that_o i_o may_v improve_v my_o time_n at_o home_n to_o my_o more_o spiritual_a advantage_n which_o temptation_n i_o often_o yield_v to_o and_o when_o i_o have_v any_o opportunity_n or_o seem_a excuse_n by_o reason_n of_o any_o small_a bodily_a distemper_n either_o the_o headache_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o take_v those_o occasion_n to_o stay_v at_o home_n and_o so_o yield_v to_o the_o temptation_n and_o thus_o i_o do_v often_o but_o when_o i_o come_v still_o at_o night_n to_o a_o review_n of_o what_o i_o have_v do_v and_o how_o i_o have_v spend_v my_o time_n in_o each_o of_o these_o day_n as_o also_o what_o i_o have_v gain_v i_o find_v it_o to_o be_v so_o little_a through_o one_o temptation_n or_o other_o that_o i_o now_o begin_v to_o conceive_v and_o fear_v that_o it_o be_v only_o a_o temptation_n of_o the_o devil_n to_o bring_v i_o out_o of_o love_n with_o the_o ordinance_n of_o god_n whereupon_o the_o lord_n also_o enable_v i_o to_o begin_v to_o take_v a_o view_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n endeavour_v to_o persuade_v myself_o that_o the_o fault_n be_v only_o in_o i_o and_o that_o sure_o i_o be_v some_o way_n or_o other_o prejudice_v against_o the_o man_n or_o his_o preach_n not_o look_v as_o i_o ought_v to_o the_o power_n of_o god_n which_o be_v able_a to_o bless_v that_o mean_n to_o i_o that_o he_o have_v now_o cast_v i_o under_o contrary_a to_o my_o desire_n and_o that_o it_o be_v therefore_o just_a with_o god_n to_o let_v it_o be_v to_o i_o according_a to_o my_o unbeleef_n whereupon_o i_o begin_v again_o to_o examine_v my_o own_o heart_n whether_o or_o no_o i_o have_v any_o kind_n of_o prejudice_n against_o the_o man_n which_o
spirit_n and_o keep_v it_o from_o utter_a despair_n and_o give_v up_o so_o as_o to_o be_v whole_o of_o satan_n mind_n for_o though_o my_o fear_n and_o trouble_n be_v great_a and_o indeed_o unutterable_a yet_o do_v the_o lord_n so_o secret_o support_v i_o that_o i_o do_v not_o know_v that_o ever_o he_o suffer_v i_o peremptory_o to_o conclude_v that_o i_o shall_v certain_o perish_v as_o satan_n continual_o suggest_v to_o i_o though_o i_o still_o fear_v it_o which_o fear_n be_v so_o great_a that_o they_o come_v well_o nigh_o unto_o despair_n which_o notwithstanding_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o though_o in_o a_o poor_a weak_a and_o low_a measure_n yet_o to_o follow_v he_o still_o often_o tell_v he_o that_o if_o i_o do_v perish_v my_o desire_n be_v to_o perish_v come_v towards_o he_o follow_v of_o he_o and_o beg_a mercy_n from_o he_o then_o in_o the_o year_n 1650._o june_n the_o 28_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o lay_v a_o very_a sad_a and_o heavy_a affliction_n upon_o i_o in_o take_v from_o i_o my_o dear_a and_o precious_a father_n who_o be_v the_o chief_a comfort_n of_o my_o natural_a life_n and_o this_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o do_v it_o in_o so_o sad_a and_o so_o sudden_a a_o manner_n which_o make_v it_o take_v the_o deep_a impression_n upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o indeed_o add_v much_o to_o my_o inward_a as_o well_o as_o my_o outward_a trouble_n be_v also_o accompany_v with_o many_o sad_a temptation_n and_o suggestion_n to_o instance_n in_o one_o to_o two_o it_o be_v strong_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v do_v this_o mere_o in_o just_a judgement_n to_o manifest_v his_o displeasure_n against_o i_o and_o show_v i_o that_o he_o be_v so_o far_o from_o hear_v my_o prayer_n wherein_o i_o do_v often_o much_o beg_v his_o life_n of_o the_o lord_n that_o now_o he_o will_v not_o only_o take_v he_o from_o i_o but_o even_o in_o this_o sad_a severe_a manner_n not_o once_o permit_v he_o to_o speak_v to_o i_o or_o i_o with_o he_o which_o be_v also_o further_o aggravate_v with_o these_o thought_n that_o it_o be_v the_o more_o just_a with_o the_o lord_n thus_o to_o deal_v with_o i_o because_o i_o have_v not_o give_v he_o due_a praise_n for_o such_o a_o mercy_n as_o i_o have_v in_o so_o long_o enjoy_v he_o nor_o yet_o have_v make_v that_o use_n of_o his_o fatherly_a counsel_n and_o advice_n in_o this_o time_n of_o my_o doubt_n and_o fear_n as_o i_o may_v have_v do_v thus_o be_v toss_v to_o and_o fro_o and_o as_o it_o be_v in_o a_o wilderness_n in_o my_o own_o thought_n to_o think_v what_o the_o lord_n mean_v by_o this_o sad_a dispensation_n or_o will_v have_v i_o take_v notice_n of_o at_o the_o last_o desire_v to_o satisfy_v myself_o that_o it_o be_v a_o affliction_n of_o which_o all_o be_v partaker_n and_o that_o to_o be_v without_o affliction_n be_v not_o a_o condition_n of_o sonship_n and_o also_o consider_v that_o it_o be_v no_o other_o for_o the_o matter_n than_o what_o i_o have_v for_o many_o year_n both_o expect_v and_o fear_v and_o indeed_o a_o wonder_n all_o thing_n be_v right_o weigh_v that_o i_o shall_v enjoy_v he_o so_o long_o as_o through_o mercy_n i_o do_v thus_o after_o some_o time_n of_o stubborn_a rebellion_n against_o god_n in_o not_o submit_v quiet_o to_o his_o will_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o at_o the_o last_o to_o begin_v to_o bethink_v myself_o what_o that_o evil_a may_v be_v in_o i_o which_o the_o lord_n have_v now_o strike_v at_o and_o will_v i_o have_v sensible_a of_o by_o this_o his_o deal_n with_o i_o and_o upon_o examination_n find_v nothing_o wherein_o i_o can_v more_o charge_v myself_o than_o in_o immoderate_a affection_n to_o he_o and_o so_o put_v he_o in_o stead_n of_o god_n i_o do_v at_o last_o though_o with_o much_o repulse_n in_o my_o wicked_a spirit_n acknowledge_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n and_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o he_o will_v show_v i_o more_o and_o more_o what_o his_o mind_n and_o meaning_n be_v in_o this_o so_o heavy_a a_o stroke_n and_o that_o as_o he_o have_v now_o by_o his_o own_o immediate_a hand_n bring_v i_o within_o the_o letter_n of_o the_o promise_n be_v now_o fatherless_a that_o he_o will_v also_o make_v it_o good_a to_o i_o in_o reveal_v himself_o to_o be_v a_o father_n to_o i_o in_o jesus_n christ_n and_o thus_o i_o continue_v sometime_o toss_v to_o and_o fro_o with_o divers_a and_o sundry_a temptation_n have_v none_o to_o speak_v a_o word_n of_o comfort_n to_o i_o in_o this_o my_o distress_n i_o make_v none_o acquaint_v with_o this_o my_o condition_n but_o in_o this_o thing_n whole_o yield_v to_o satan_n to_o keep_v all_o to_o myself_o have_v no_o ease_n nor_o vent_v for_o my_o spirit_n but_o only_o when_o i_o be_v in_o any_o measure_n enable_v to_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n in_o which_o my_o spirit_n be_v also_o oftentimes_o much_o bind_v up_o though_o sometime_o again_o enlarge_v then_o about_o 2_o or_o 3_o month_n after_o be_v towards_o the_o end_n of_o september_n 1650._o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o cast_v my_o mother_n as_o also_o myself_o both_o at_o one_o time_n upon_o our_o bed_n of_o sickness_n visit_v we_o with_o very_o strong_a fever_n which_o be_v towards_o winter_n bring_v we_o very_o low_a which_o meet_v with_o the_o inward_a trouble_n of_o my_o spirit_n lie_v very_o sad_o upon_o i_o at_o which_o time_n in_o the_o midst_n of_o all_o my_o weakness_n i_o be_v bring_v to_o this_o resolution_n in_o my_o own_o thought_n be_v toss_v up_o and_o down_o in_o my_o spirit_n as_o well_o as_o in_o my_o body_n so_o that_o now_o i_o do_v no_o long_o desire_v any_o continuance_n of_o this_o natural_a life_n of_o i_o nor_o yet_o promise_v the_o lord_n any_o amendment_n of_o life_n as_o i_o have_v former_o do_v in_o all_o my_o other_o sickness_n though_o i_o can_v never_o make_v good_a any_o of_o these_o promise_n vow_n or_o covenant_n by_o i_o so_o make_v hereupon_o i_o consider_v though_o with_o much_o trouble_n of_o spirit_n that_o i_o have_v find_v by_o sad_a and_o often_o experience_n that_o if_o i_o shall_v live_v never_o so_o long_o i_o shall_v live_v never_o the_o better_a nor_o gain_v any_o more_o assurance_n of_o my_o salvation_n and_o well-being_n therefore_o the_o desire_n of_o life_n be_v now_o whole_o take_v from_o i_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o at_o the_o last_o to_o take_v up_o such_o thought_n as_o these_o that_o from_o the_o bottom_n of_o my_o heart_n i_o do_v and_o have_v for_o a_o long_a time_n desire_v to_o fear_v and_o serve_v the_o lord_n and_o that_o those_o many_o fail_n which_o accompany_v all_o my_o obedience_n be_v the_o burden_n of_o my_o life_n and_o that_o if_o the_o lord_n will_v have_v be_v please_v to_o have_v give_v i_o more_o freedom_n of_o spirit_n and_o set_v my_o soul_n more_o at_o liberty_n to_o have_v walk_v after_o his_o will_n it_o will_v have_v be_v as_o a_o heaven_n upon_o earth_n to_o i_o but_o contrary_o i_o see_v i_o be_v still_o press_v under_o with_o a_o body_n of_o death_n by_o reason_n of_o which_o i_o do_v nothing_o but_o offend_v night_n and_o day_n and_o that_o the_o long_o i_o live_v i_o do_v but_o aggravate_v my_o sin_n and_o condemnation_n i_o do_v therefore_o desire_v power_n to_o cast_v myself_o and_o the_o whole_a weight_n of_o my_o salvation_n upon_o jesus_n christ_n and_o although_o i_o can_v not_o confident_o believe_v that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v good_a to_o i_o yet_o i_o see_v that_o there_o be_v no_o salvation_n any_o where_o else_o and_o therefore_o do_v desire_n to_o rely_v whole_o upon_o he_o acknowledge_v that_o i_o deserve_v nothing_o but_o hell_n and_o that_o if_o ever_o he_o bestow_v any_o thing_n else_o upon_o i_o it_o be_v infinite_a unspeakable_a mercy_n thus_o i_o continue_v for_o many_o day_n often_o long_v for_o the_o time_n of_o my_o dissolution_n wherein_o i_o shall_v sin_v and_o dishonour_n god_n no_o more_o which_o both_v myself_o and_o other_o about_o i_o think_v not_o to_o be_v far_o off_o yet_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v after_o some_o few_o weak_n in_o some_o measure_n to_o raise_v up_o my_o weak_a body_n which_o be_v nigh_o unto_o the_o dust_n and_o after_o some_o time_n to_o go_v on_o by_o degree_n perfect_v of_o my_o health_n all_o which_o time_n be_v accompany_v with_o many_o a_o sad_a thought_n my_o trouble_n still_o increase_v as_o fast_o as_o my_o bodily_a health_n at_o the_o last_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o turn_v my_o thought_n upon_o those_o expression_n of_o david_n in_o psal_n 42._o 5_o 11._o wherein_o he_o call_v his_o soul_n to_o account_v say_v why_o be_v thou_o cast_v down_o o_o my_o soul_n and_o
experience_n to_o be_v a_o god_n hear_v prayer_n for_o i_o find_v he_o now_o also_o as_o i_o hope_v i_o may_v to_o his_o glory_n speak_v come_v in_o very_o much_o as_o it_o be_v fit_v i_o for_o this_o mercy_n by_o give_v in_o out_o of_o his_o own_o free_a grace_n to_o his_o poor_a unworthy_a creature_n yet_o a_o more_o full_a and_o clear_a sight_n of_o his_o work_n upon_o my_o soul_n and_o so_o of_o my_o interest_n in_o he_o by_o mean_n whereof_o i_o may_v now_o the_o more_o comfortable_o offer_v up_o myself_o into_o the_o communion_n of_o his_o people_n without_o a_o sight_n of_o which_o i_o shall_v hardly_o i_o think_v have_v presume_v to_o have_v do_v which_o work_n of_o his_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o help_v on_o by_o several_a of_o his_o servant_n in_o mr._n knight_n absence_n as_o mr._n sidrach_n simpson_n and_o mr._n rogers_n who_o he_o be_v please_v to_o make_v instrumental_a for_o my_o soul_n advantage_n and_o comfort_n at_o this_o time_n which_o the_o lord_n thus_o carry_v on_o until_o it_o be_v towards_o the_o end_n of_o the_o seven_o month_n common_o call_v september_n in_o this_o year_n 1652._o at_o which_o time_n mr._n knight_n be_v return_v home_o and_o remove_n to_o fulham_n where_o the_o lord_n open_v a_o door_n for_o his_o people_n to_o join_v in_o communion_n together_o according_a to_o the_o gospel_n the_o lord_n now_o offer_v i_o this_o opportunity_n which_o i_o have_v so_o much_o long_v for_o and_o his_o servant_n mr._n knight_n to_o who_o i_o have_v former_o by_o a_o other_o friend_n intimate_v my_o desire_n he_o i_o say_v acquaint_v i_o with_o it_o i_o dare_v not_o rash_o deny_v to_o join_v with_o they_o but_o what_o fear_n and_o tremble_n there_o be_v upon_o my_o spirit_n at_o this_o time_n be_v know_v only_o to_o the_o lord_n for_o indeed_o i_o be_o not_o able_a to_o express_v it_o in_o which_o trouble_n my_o refuge_n as_o former_o be_v only_o to_o go_v to_o the_o lord_n beseech_v and_o earnest_o importune_v he_o now_o to_o appear_v and_o give_v in_o direction_n to_o his_o poor_a creature_n who_o be_v now_o in_o such_o a_o straight_a as_o that_o she_o know_v not_o what_o to_o do_v but_o so_o far_o as_o i_o know_v my_o own_o heart_n lean_v alone_o upon_o the_o lord_n and_o wait_v for_o his_o direction_n i_o go_v to_o the_o place_n appoint_v to_o meet_v in_o not_o know_v what_o i_o shall_v do_v in_o it_o take_v little_a or_o no_o rest_n all_o the_o night_n before_o but_o come_v there_o next_o morning_n and_o be_v still_o much_o oppress_v in_o spirit_n in_o the_o turn_n of_o a_o eye_n as_o it_o be_v i_o can_v not_o express_v how_o or_o which_o way_n my_o spirit_n be_v on_o a_o sudden_a wrought_v over_o to_o give_v my_o consent_n and_o so_o to_o join_v with_o they_o they_o be_v as_o they_o conceive_v well_o satisfy_v in_o the_o long_a knowledge_n they_o have_v have_v of_o each_o other_o and_o their_o frequent_a converse_v together_o some_o whereof_o be_v in_o order_n to_o this_o very_a work_n which_o have_v be_v much_o desire_v by_o those_o few_o person_n that_o then_o join_v and_o they_o so_o long_o interrupt_v and_o have_v put_v up_o many_o petition_n to_o the_o throne_n of_o grace_n concern_v it_o mr._n barker_n be_v then_o present_a and_o carry_v the_o intend_a work_n by_o prayer_n and_o counsel_n we_o join_v together_o in_o the_o fellowship_n of_o the_o gospel_n but_o this_o work_n be_v not_o perform_v in_o so_o solemn_a a_o manner_n as_o i_o for_o my_o part_n can_v have_v desire_v both_o in_o set_v more_o time_n a_o part_n to_o seek_v the_o lord_n together_o in_o it_o and_o to_o have_v endeavour_v to_o have_v give_v more_o full_a satisfaction_n to_o each_o other_o of_o the_o work_n of_o god_n in_o each_o other_o heart_n which_o lie_v as_o a_o burden_n upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o i_o often_o bewail_v before_o the_o lord_n and_o also_o move_v it_o to_o some_o of_o our_o friend_n that_o we_o may_v yet_o meet_v and_o set_v a_o part_n a_o day_n to_o this_o end_n which_o be_v not_o think_v meet_v at_o that_o time_n upon_o which_o i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n it_o may_v be_v no_o hindrance_n to_o his_o appearance_n among_o we_o for_o my_o spirit_n be_v oppress_v with_o fear_n of_o god_n not_o appear_v in_o the_o midst_n of_o we_o which_o fear_n be_v at_o the_o present_a heighten_v from_o the_o mighty_a rage_n of_o satan_n in_o the_o spirit_n of_o many_o yea_o of_o some_o good_a man_n at_o this_o our_o first_o entrance_n into_o communion_n lay_v many_o harsh_a censure_n upon_o we_o which_o still_o put_v i_o upon_o a_o more_o narrow_a search_n into_o my_o own_o heart_n thus_o see_v the_o rage_n of_o some_o against_o we_o to_o be_v very_o great_a and_o tremble_v in_o myself_o to_o think_v lest_o we_o by_o our_o miscarriage_n may_v give_v they_o some_o ground_n to_o speak_v evil_a of_o we_o it_o wrought_v a_o great_a sadness_n upon_o my_o spirit_n fear_v lest_o we_o may_v be_v a_o occasion_n of_o darken_n his_o glory_n to_o the_o world_n which_o cause_v i_o often_o to_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n to_o the_o lord_n beseech_v he_o that_o if_o he_o have_v any_o delight_n in_o we_o he_o will_v be_v please_v to_o afford_v we_o his_o presence_n but_o in_o the_o very_a depth_n of_o these_o fear_n do_v the_o lord_n by_o a_o mere_a providence_n as_o i_o be_v open_v mr._n burroughs_n book_n cast_v my_o eye_n unexpected_o upon_o the_o 13_o p._n of_o the_o right_a manner_n of_o draw_v nigh_o to_o god_n in_o worship_n where_o i_o find_v this_o note_n that_o the_o beginning_n of_o thing_n of_o high_a concernment_n do_v meet_v sometime_o with_o great_a difficulty_n and_o interruption_n which_o he_o give_v some_o instance_n of_o and_o so_o advise_v we_o not_o to_o be_v offend_v though_o we_o shall_v have_v some_o sad_a accident_n to_o fall_v out_o at_o the_o begin_n of_o great_a thing_n for_o say_v he_o notwithstanding_o this_o god_n may_v yet_o prosper_v it_o afterward_o the_o serious_a consideration_n whereof_o do_v at_o the_o present_a a_o little_a refresh_v my_o spirit_n and_o support_v it_o with_o a_o desire_n to_o wait_v to_o see_v what_o the_o lord_n will_v please_v to_o bring_v out_o of_o it_o thus_o have_v for_o about_o 3_o month_n space_n enjoy_v the_o ordinance_n and_o the_o society_n of_o his_o servant_n and_o thereupon_o begin_v to_o examine_v my_o own_o heart_n what_o fruit_n or_o benefit_n i_o have_v find_v by_o they_o it_o lay_v somewhat_o sad_o upon_o my_o spirit_n for_o be_v able_a to_o discern_v very_o little_a then_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v by_o a_o letter_n from_o mr._n rogers_n to_o hand_n out_o something_o which_o for_o the_o present_a do_v a_o little_a support_n and_o cheer_v my_o spirit_n therein_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o consideration_n of_o this_o truth_n that_o a_o christian_a growth_n be_v not_o at_o all_o time_n sensible_a neither_o do_v the_o lord_n see_v it_o meet_v they_o shall_v always_o grow_v in_o one_o kind_n but_o that_o they_o grow_v in_o all_o part_n as_o well_o in_o humility_n and_o self_n abasement_n and_o in_o the_o sight_n of_o our_o own_o weakness_n barrenness_n and_o unprofitableness_n etc._n etc._n which_o be_v as_o true_a a_o growth_n as_o that_o of_o faith_n though_o not_o always_o so_o visible_a yet_o some_o trouble_n still_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n want_v a_o full_a and_o clear_a sight_n of_o my_o interest_n in_o christ_n which_o as_o yet_o i_o have_v only_o some_o good_a hope_n of_o but_o no_o such_o settle_a assurance_n but_o that_o i_o be_v often_o totter_v backward_o and_o forward_o the_o lord_n have_v formal_o and_o continual_o through_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n dispense_v often_o by_o mr._n knight_n and_o very_o powerful_o to_o that_o end_n and_o sometime_o also_o by_o mr._n simpson_n by_o both_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v strong_o to_o convince_v i_o of_o the_o dishonour_n that_o i_o have_v bring_v he_o by_o my_o unbeleef_n which_o be_v now_o the_o great_a burden_n of_o my_o soul_n but_o find_v much_o weakness_n of_o faith_n in_o i_o and_o a_o inability_n to_o roll_n so_o full_o upon_o god_n and_o give_v glory_n to_o he_o by_o believe_v and_o take_v he_o upon_o his_o word_n etc._n etc._n often_o fear_v that_o sin_n and_o satan_n will_v yet_o prevail_v over_o i_o but_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v about_o the_o 10_o month_n 1652._o to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n exceed_o to_o beg_v of_o he_o a_o large_a measure_n of_o faith_n even_o that_o i_o may_v be_v enable_v to_o honour_v he_o as_o much_o by_o believe_v as_o ever_o i_o have_v dishonour_v he_o through_o unbeleef_n but_o this_o same_o month_n i_o have_v this_o wicked_a thought_n or_o temptation_n throw_v with_o mighty_a force_n
into_o my_o spirit_n to_o beat_v i_o off_o from_o that_o pitch_n of_o faith_n which_o i_o then_o find_v my_o spirit_n breathe_v after_o viz._n that_o where_o the_o lord_n give_v such_o great_a strength_n of_o faith_n or_o any_o other_o grace_n he_o give_v also_o as_o great_a trial_n and_o that_o therefore_o if_o i_o have_v the_o one_o i_o must_v expect_v the_o other_o also_o and_o so_o shall_v not_o only_o be_v a_o mean_n to_o pull_v down_o sorrow_n affliction_n and_o trial_n upon_o my_o own_o head_n but_o also_o in_o lie_v under_o they_o and_o so_o sad_o dishonour_n god_n as_o now_o i_o do_v which_o at_o the_o present_a do_v somewhat_o take_v of_o the_o edge_n of_o my_o affection_n and_o weaken_v my_o former_a desire_n until_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o discover_v to_o i_o that_o it_o be_v a_o mere_a temptation_n whether_o from_o satan_n or_o my_o own_o heart_n my_o deceitful_a but_o subtle_a enemy_n to_o scare_v i_o with_o such_o fear_n which_o temptation_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o to_o overcome_v with_o grief_n that_o i_o shall_v in_o the_o least_o parley_n with_o it_o and_o again_o to_o renew_v my_o former_a desire_n and_o withal_o to_o beg_v his_o continual_a presence_n with_o i_o in_o all_o whatever_o trial_n and_o condition_n he_o shall_v bring_v i_o under_o that_o he_o will_v keep_v i_o from_o dishonour_v he_o under_o they_o and_o manifest_v himself_o to_o i_o through_o they_o and_o then_o to_o do_v with_o i_o as_o seem_v he_o good_a a_o few_o day_n after_o as_o i_o be_v one_o evening_n write_v a_o letter_n unto_o a_o dear_a kinswoman_n of_o i_o who_o at_o that_o time_n lie_v under_o some_o sad_a dispensation_n from_o the_o lord_n whereupon_o i_o take_v occasion_n to_o urge_v that_o promise_n upon_o she_o in_o rom._n 8._o 28._o and_o we_o know_v that_o all_o thing_n work_v together_o for_o good_a to_o they_o that_o love_n god_n etc._n etc._n which_o while_o i_o be_v endeavour_v to_o press_v upon_o she_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o cause_v it_o to_o fall_v with_o mighty_a power_n upon_o my_o heart_n which_o be_v set_v home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n not_o only_o as_o that_o which_o i_o shall_v rest_v upon_o and_o expect_v the_o performance_n of_o but_o as_o that_o which_o i_o have_v have_v much_o experience_n through_o all_o the_o deal_n of_o god_n with_o i_o to_o have_v be_v continual_o make_v good_a so_o that_o the_o experience_n which_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v i_o of_o his_o deal_n with_o my_o soul_n for_o many_o year_n in_o all_o the_o affliction_n and_o exercise_n i_o have_v lyen_fw-we under_o whether_o in_o body_n or_o mind_n in_o loss_n of_o relation_n or_o comfort_n etc._n etc._n yea_o the_o very_a withhold_n â—he_v light_a of_o god_n face_n which_o be_v life_n itself_o â—_o do_v testify_v to_o the_o truth_n of_o this_o word_n have_v be_v all_o of_o they_o by_o the_o lord_n bring_v and_o wrought_v about_o for_o my_o good_a the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o cleave_v the_o close_a to_o himself_o and_o take_v the_o fast_o hold_v of_o he_o from_o the_o consideration_n of_o all_o which_o there_o fall_v this_o far_a hint_n with_o some_o weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n that_o it_o shall_v also_o be_v even_o so_o with_o i_o in_o respect_n of_o those_o corruption_n that_o i_o be_v still_o pester_v with_o and_o groan_v under_o but_o there_o be_v yet_o especial_o at_o some_o time_n many_o confuse_a fear_n upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o i_o can_v give_v very_o little_a reason_n for_o upon_o the_o second_o day_n of_o the_o eleven_o month_n 1652._o be_v the_o first_o day_n of_o the_o week_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v yet_o further_o to_o appear_v with_o a_o very_a seasonable_a word_n to_o my_o soul_n which_o do_v much_o refresh_v it_o it_o be_v thus_o mr._n knight_n be_v in_o the_o afternoon_n in_o his_o ministry_n at_o fulham_n upon_o that_o scripture_n in_o heb._n 2._o 1_o 2_o 3._o stir_v we_o up_o to_o hearken_v diligent_o to_o jesus_n christ_n and_o not_o to_o let_v any_o of_o his_o word_n at_o any_o timeslip_n out_o of_o our_o heart_n whence_o also_o he_o take_v occasion_n to_o comfort_v the_o people_n of_o god_n upon_o this_o account_n that_o christ_n shall_v think_v their_o ear_n worthy_a of_o hear_v his_o voice_n &_o that_o he_o shall_v not_o always_o send_v his_o messenger_n nor_o make_v use_n of_o instrument_n but_o shall_v often_o rather_o as_o it_o be_v choose_v to_o speak_v himsel_n at_o which_o word_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o touch_v my_o heart_n and_o to_o make_v it_o sweet_o to_o melt_v before_o he_o with_o joy_n to_o think_v that_o christ_n shall_v thus_o speak_v to_o my_o soul_n as_o i_o now_o see_v he_o have_v do_v by_o he_o 2_o year_n before_o who_o when_o he_o have_v visit_v i_o with_o that_o sore_a loss_n of_o my_o dear_a parent_n and_o cast_v i_o and_o my_o mother_n both_o upon_o our_o sick_a bed_n neither_o of_o we_o be_v able_a to_o speak_v to_o each_o other_o yea_o when_o no_o friend_n or_o creature_n either_o can_v or_o do_v endeavour_v to_o speak_v a_o word_n of_o comfort_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n which_o be_v in_o a_o most_o sad_a condition_n for_o want_n of_o a_o clear_a sight_n of_o god_n under_o all_o these_o dispensation_n of_o his_o towards_o i_o who_o have_v as_o it_o be_v by_o his_o own_o hand_n as_o i_o now_o real_o believe_v he_o do_v shut_v up_o and_o stop_v all_o other_o mouth_n yet_o that_o now_o the_o lord_n jesus_n shall_v choose_v to_o speak_v himself_o as_o i_o find_v he_o have_v do_v in_o some_o measure_n support_v my_o spirit_n which_o be_v ready_a to_o sink_v and_o give_v up_o under_o the_o heavy_a burden_n it_o lay_v both_o of_o the_o sense_n of_o guilt_n and_o wrath_n all_o which_o be_v put_v together_o oh_o how_o do_v the_o sight_n of_o his_o love_n both_o melt_v and_o cheer_v my_o heart_n then_o do_v the_o lord_n also_o the_o next_o day_n be_v the_o second_o day_n of_o the_o same_o week_n bring_v to_o my_o mimd_n and_o thought_n those_o word_n that_o be_v record_v of_o job_n in_o job_n 9_o 11._o which_o after_o i_o have_v pause_v a_o little_a upon_o contrary_a to_o my_o intention_n or_o thought_n i_o go_v on_o still_o read_v though_o but_o in_o a_o brief_a quick_a way_n be_v straighten_v of_o time_n for_o it_o be_v late_o in_o the_o evening_n but_o i_o take_v a_o view_n of_o the_o whole_a book_n of_o job_n until_o i_o come_v to_o the_o end_n of_o it_o and_o the_o thing_n in_o general_a that_o be_v hint_v to_o i_o and_o fall_v upon_o my_o spirit_n from_o the_o whole_a be_v this_o that_o none_o of_o all_o job_n friend_n who_o endeavour_v to_o speak_v to_o he_o can_v neither_o hint_n out_o a_o word_n of_o comfort_n or_o of_o conviction_n to_o he_o in_o this_o sad_a estate_n none_o of_o all_o their_o word_n take_v hold_v at_o all_o upon_o his_o spirit_n until_o god_n himself_o come_v to_o speak_v and_o then_o one_o word_n of_o god_n do_v it_o make_v he_o cry_v out_o job_n 40._o 45._o behold_v i_o be_o vile_a what_o shall_v i_o answer_v thou_o i_o will_v lay_v my_o hand_n upon_o my_o mouth_n once_o have_v i_o speak_v but_o i_o will_v not_o answer_v yea_o twice_o but_o i_o will_v proceed_v no_o further_o and_o again_o job_n 42._o 5_o 6._o i_o have_v hear_v of_o thou_o by_o the_o hear_n of_o the_o ear_n but_o now_o my_o eye_n see_v thou_o therefore_o i_o abhor_v myself_o and_o repent_v in_o dust_n and_o ash_n that_o be_v as_o i_o conceive_v when_o god_n speak_v which_o cause_v i_o strong_o to_o reflect_v upon_o my_o own_o heart_n thereby_o call_v to_o mind_n how_o many_o instruction_n conviction_n and_o comfort_n have_v be_v from_o time_n to_o time_n for_o many_o year_n pass_v by_o several_a friend_n and_o servant_n of_o god_n hold_v out_o to_o i_o which_o never_o take_v any_o hold_n at_o all_o upon_o my_o spirit_n but_o when_o god_n himself_o will_v take_v in_o hand_n to_o speak_v he_o can_v bring_v thing_n past_a and_o go_v quite_o back_o again_o as_o he_o do_v the_o sun_n upon_o it_o he_o dial_n of_o ahaz_n 2_o king_n 22._o 11._o and_o bring_v they_o fresh_a into_o memory_n and_o cause_n the_o soul_n to_o see_v his_o hand_n and_o work_v in_o all_o and_o so_o to_o abhor_v itself_o for_o those_o abominable_a unbelieved_a thought_n and_o jealousy_n of_o god_n that_o have_v be_v upon_o its_o heart_n when_o as_o the_o lord_n have_v as_o it_o be_v take_v all_o opportunity_n to_o beget_v in_o the_o soul_n good_a and_o honourable_a thought_n of_o he_o then_o hear_v this_o same_o night_n that_o mr._n simpson_n be_v next_o morning_n be_v the_o three_o day_n of_o this_o week_n to_o begin_v his_o lecture_n in_o friday_n street_n
&_o 66._o 16._o 1_o tim._n 1._o 13_o 14_o 15_o 16._o act._n 22._o there_o be_v also_o sudden_o after_o this_o present_v to_o i_o as_o one_o thing_n that_o the_o lord_n may_v aim_v at_o in_o this_o touch_n of_o he_o even_o to_o mind_n i_o that_o i_o have_v not_o that_o degree_n of_o compassion_n or_o fellow_n feel_v as_o i_o ought_v of_o that_o affliction_n which_o in_o some_o respect_n in_o the_o same_o kind_n though_o in_o a_o great_a degree_n lie_v upon_o our_o sister_n arnat_a by_o reason_n of_o a_o great_a fever_n and_o doubtless_o there_o may_v be_v something_o in_o this_o though_o i_o shall_v also_o wrong_v myself_o shall_v i_o not_o acknowledge_v much_o and_o continue_a work_v in_o my_o heart_n for_o and_o towards_o she_o which_o oft_o occasion_v i_o to_o spread_v her_o condition_n before_o the_o lord_n according_a to_o my_o poor_a measure_n but_o upon_o the_o 25_o of_o this_o 11_o month_n in_o the_o night_n i_o have_v little_a or_o no_o rest_n by_o reason_n of_o the_o great_a distemper_n which_o lie_v upon_o i_o and_o real_o i_o do_v not_o well_o know_v whether_o the_o distemper_n of_o my_o body_n or_o my_o mind_n be_v the_o great_a but_o both_o meeting_n it_o lay_v somewhat_o heavy_a upon_o the_o flesh_n which_o think_v itself_o ready_a to_o give_v up_o under_o it_o but_o my_o thought_n be_v continual_o work_v i_o find_v in_o my_o spirit_n a_o great_a natural_a reluctancy_n against_o death_n which_o seem_v at_o time_n as_o it_o be_v to_o approach_v often_o think_v that_o it_o be_v not_o possible_a in_o natural_a reason_n that_o i_o can_v continue_v until_o morning_n yet_o say_v i_o nothing_o for_o fear_v of_o affright_v my_o mother_n yet_o have_v i_o also_o between_o time_n a_o great_a desire_n together_o with_o a_o kind_n of_o persuasion_n that_o for_o all_o this_o i_o shall_v be_v enable_v to_o hear_v mr._n knight_n next_o morning_n who_o turn_n it_o be_v to_o preach_v at_o the_o chapel_n at_o fulham_n thus_o i_o say_v find_v in_o my_o spirit_n some_o kind_n of_o reluctancy_n at_o death_n of_o which_o consider_v a_o little_a it_o be_v that_o corruption_n which_o i_o think_v have_v now_o be_v in_o some_o good_a measure_n crucify_v but_o find_v it_o still_o to_o work_v up_o be_v no_o small_a trouble_n to_o i_o which_o together_o with_o many_o other_o fear_n that_o lay_v upon_o my_o spirit_n as_o that_o i_o shall_v not_o be_v enable_v to_o sanctify_v the_o name_n of_o god_n or_o honour_v he_o under_o this_o affliction_n which_o be_v indeed_o the_o ground_n of_o my_o trouble_n at_o the_o approach_n of_o death_n and_o if_o i_o know_v my_o heart_n in_o any_o measure_n that_o only_o which_o i_o resolve_v in_o myself_o to_o declare_v to_o some_o friend_n i_o shall_v meet_v at_o fulham_n next_o day_n if_o the_o lord_n shall_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o to_o go_v and_o so_o beg_v their_o remembrance_n at_o the_o throne_n of_o grace_n but_o be_v enable_v to_o consider_v better_o of_o it_o i_o be_v give_v to_o see_v that_o it_o be_v nothing_o but_o a_o mere_a temptation_n to_o distrust_v the_o power_n and_o love_n of_o god_n to_o think_v as_o if_o he_o shall_v now_o bring_v i_o into_o that_o condition_n that_o he_o will_v not_o carry_v i_o through_o whereupon_o i_o be_v enable_v to_o gather_v up_o my_o spirit_n a_o little_a and_o in_o some_o better_a measure_n to_o submit_v to_o the_o hand_n and_o will_n of_o my_o father_n which_o i_o be_v now_o assure_v shall_v certain_o end_v in_o his_o glory_n and_o my_o good_a and_o to_o this_o end_n i_o be_v now_o also_o enable_v again_o to_o call_v over_o that_o bless_a promise_n in_o rom._n 8._o 28._o that_o all_o thing_n shall_v work_v yea_o work_v together_o for_o good_a to_o they_o that_o love_n god_n etc._n etc._n which_o promise_n i_o have_v often_o find_v by_o experience_n have_v be_v make_v good_a to_o my_o soul_n and_o be_v therefore_o much_o trouble_v that_o any_o distrustful_a thought_n shall_v arise_v in_o i_o concern_v it_o divers_z other_o promise_n also_o before_o mention_v be_v now_o bring_v to_o my_o mind_n and_o wrought_v afresh_o upon_o my_o heart_n which_o do_v exceed_o refresh_v my_o spirit_n so_o that_o the_o first_o refreshment_n which_o i_o find_v be_v in_o my_o spirit_n and_o after_o that_o be_v a_o little_a quiet_v i_o have_v a_o little_a short_a slumber_n and_o do_v the_o lord_n so_o far_o mitigate_v my_o bodily_a distemper_n as_o that_o it_o do_v not_o hinder_v i_o from_o that_o bless_a opportunity_n next_o day_n though_o accompany_v with_o much_o bodily_a weakness_n but_o upon_o the_o 2_o day_n of_o the_o 12_o month_n 1652._o i_o find_v my_o distemper_n of_o body_n much_o abate_v in_o so_o much_o as_o i_o think_v it_o be_v now_o quite_o go_v but_o that_o very_a night_n be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o return_v yea_o to_o heighten_v it_o constrain_a i_o to_o keep_v house_n certain_a day_n whereby_o i_o perceive_v that_o this_o work_n upon_o my_o soul_n be_v not_o yet_o accomplish_v nor_o i_o full_o acquaint_v with_o his_o mind_n and_o will_n in_o it_o which_o be_v some_o trouble_n to_o i_o whereupon_o i_o again_o beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o acquaint_v i_o with_o his_o mind_n and_o will_n in_o it_o and_o to_o sanctify_v it_o unto_o i_o give_v i_o a_o heart_n to_o submit_v to_o whatsoever_o he_o have_v yet_o further_o to_o lay_v upon_o i_o in_o which_o i_o also_o seek_v the_o prayer_n of_o his_o people_n upon_o the_o 6_o of_o this_o month_n but_o upon_o the_o seven_o day_n of_o this_o month_n providence_n offer_v some_o occasion_n whereby_o i_o be_v put_v upon_o the_o thought_n of_o part_v with_o my_o aunt_n dogget_n who_o be_v upon_o remove_n into_o the_o country_n with_o many_o thought_n there_o about_o which_o be_v now_o bring_v to_o my_o mind_n which_o occasion_v such_o a_o heavyness_n to_o possess_v my_o spirit_n upon_o other_o account_n also_o which_o come_v in_o to_o add_v to_o the_o other_o in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o be_v even_o as_o it_o be_v overwhelm_v with_o it_o until_o i_o be_v enable_v to_o vent_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n at_o which_o time_n he_o be_v please_v to_o discover_v to_o i_o that_o this_o be_v mere_o to_o return_v as_o it_o be_v from_o the_o lord_n to_o the_o creature_n for_o comfort_n and_o support_v as_o if_o he_o be_v not_o able_a abundant_o to_o make_v up_o in_o himself_o the_o want_n of_o such_o a_o comfort_n and_o relation_n if_o he_o see_v meet_v to_o deprive_v i_o of_o it_o the_o thought_n of_o which_o do_v much_o grieve_v i_o then_o do_v the_o lord_n also_o show_v i_o how_o i_o have_v continual_o provoke_v he_o in_o this_o kind_n by_o lean_v upon_o such_o poor_a reed_n and_o dige_v to_o myself_o such_o poor_a pit_n such_o break_a cistern_n as_o can_v indeed_o hold_v no_o water_n and_o in_o the_o mean_a time_n too_o much_o neglect_v he_o the_o fountain_n of_o live_a water_n jer._n 2._o 13._o yea_o while_o i_o be_v thus_o pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o lament_v my_o miserable_a and_o wretched_a folly_n he_o be_v please_v also_o to_o cast_v my_o thought_n upon_o that_o part_n of_o scripture_n i_o find_v record_v in_o 1_o king_n 11._o 9_o how_o the_o lord_n be_v angry_a with_o solomon_n because_o his_o heart_n be_v turn_v from_o the_o lord_n god_n of_o israel_n which_o have_v appear_v to_o he_o twice_o even_o so_o i_o see_v the_o lord_n have_v just_a cause_n to_o be_v angry_a with_o i_o that_o i_o shall_v thus_o again_o return_v to_o the_o creature_n and_o as_o it_o be_v make_v a_o god_n of_o it_o yea_o after_o such_o eminent_a appearance_n of_o his_o to_o my_o soul_n the_o same_o day_n do_v the_o lord_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n that_o severe_a threaten_n against_o moab_n who_o have_v be_v at_o ease_n from_o his_o youth_n and_o be_v settle_v on_o his_o lees_n who_o have_v not_o be_v empty_v from_o vessel_n to_o vessel_n neither_o have_v go_v into_o captivity_n and_o therefore_o his_o taste_n remain_v in_o he_o and_o his_o scent_n be_v not_o change_v jer._n 48._o 11_o now_o find_v this_o give_v by_o the_o spirit_n of_o god_n as_o the_o reason_n why_o his_o scent_n remain_v even_o because_o he_o have_v not_o be_v empty_v etc._n etc._n i_o can_v not_o but_o stand_v and_o wonder_n what_o reason_n can_v be_v give_v of_o the_o corruption_n in_o my_o heart_n who_o the_o lord_n have_v not_o leave_v at_o ease_n but_o have_v often_o empty_v from_o vessel_n to_o vessel_n as_o it_o be_v try_v always_o and_o mean_v with_o i_o and_o yet_o that_o i_o shall_v still_o savour_v so_o much_o of_o the_o earth_n and_o of_o the_o old_a man_n and_o shall_v still_o so_o incline_v to_o depend_v upon_o a_o arm_n of_o flesh_n 2_o chron._n 32._o
commander_n isai_n 55._o 4._o oh_o behold_v he_o as_o sâ—…h_v a_o one_o behold_v he_o above_o all_o not_o only_o to_o help_v at_o a_o dead_a lift_n when_o your_o own_o righteousness_n can_v do_v it_o but_o behold_v he_o above_o all_o as_o the_o only_a governor_n of_o your_o soul_n look_v on_o he_o with_o a_o eye_n of_o dependence_n wait_v for_o the_o accomplishment_n of_o his_o work_n in_o your_o soul_n and_o mourn_v to_o think_v that_o though_o he_o be_v give_v to_o govern_v you_o that_o you_o shall_v be_v govern_v of_o yourselves_o without_o he_o and_o so_o grieve_v he_o and_o if_o christ_n be_v appoint_v by_o the_o father_n to_o govern_v the_o gentile_n then_o ask_v your_o own_o heart_n who_o govern_v you_o who_o law_n do_v you_o obey_v what_o rule_n do_v you_o walk_v by_o what_o end_n do_v you_o aim_v at_o and_o true_o upon_o examination_n find_v that_o christ_n of_o his_o own_o rich_a grace_n have_v be_v thus_o at_o work_n in_o my_o heart_n and_o this_o whole_a discourse_v be_v as_o it_o be_v but_o a_o declaration_n of_o his_o deal_n with_o my_o soul_n which_o i_o can_v not_o pass_v by_o without_o set_v down_o and_o put_v it_o upon_o record_n it_o seem_v to_o i_o even_o as_o if_o the_o lord_n have_v speak_v from_o heaven_n to_o my_o soul_n in_o particular_a therefore_o i_o think_v i_o shall_v much_o dishonour_v he_o if_o i_o shall_v not_o to_o his_o praise_n in_o the_o desire_n of_o my_o soul_n acknowledge_v that_o every_o one_o of_o these_o mark_n of_o christ_n have_v be_v in_o some_o measure_n some_o more_o some_o less_o through_o grace_n wrought_v by_o he_o in_o my_o heart_n though_o i_o must_v still_o acknowledge_v that_o there_o be_v too_o much_o opposition_n against_o he_o in_o my_o soul_n which_o i_o desire_v to_o wait_v and_o do_v expect_v according_a as_o have_v be_v express_v the_o utter_a subdue_a thereof_o which_o time_n i_o hope_v haste_v when_o christ_n will_v come_v &_o take_v up_o full_a possession_n of_o my_o soul_n &_o rule_v in_o it_o and_o over_o it_o for_o ever_o the_o same_o day_n in_o the_o close_a of_o it_o mr._n knight_n spend_v a_o little_a time_n upon_o esay_n 65._o 24._o from_o which_o there_o be_v also_o many_o gracious_a discovery_n hint_v out_o to_o my_o soul_n concern_v god_n readiness_n to_o hear_v before_o his_o people_n call_v where_o he_o put_v we_o upon_o warchfulness_n what_o work_n christ_n be_v about_o in_o the_o nation_n which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o make_v as_o a_o spur_n to_o my_o dull_a spirit_n to_o look_v out_o what_o that_o work_n be_v that_o god_n be_v now_o do_v or_o about_o to_o do_v in_o my_o heart_n even_o i_o hope_v fit_v of_o i_o for_o a_o more_o full_a enjoyment_n of_o himself_o then_o do_v the_o lord_n also_o by_o his_o servant_n declare_v out_o to_o we_o in_o these_o latter_a day_n these_o gospel_n time_n wherein_o god_n hasten_v his_o work_n which_o thorough_o i_o find_v to_o be_v make_v good_a to_o my_o poor_a soul_n the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v exceed_o to_o hasten_v his_o work_n upon_o my_o heart_n and_o the_o manifestation_n of_o his_o bless_a face_n to_o my_o soul_n even_o fast_o than_o my_o scant_a heart_n can_v imagine_v which_o appearance_n of_o this_o in_o his_o manner_n cause_v my_o soul_n to_o enter_v into_o these_o serious_a thought_n and_o consideration_n whether_o i_o may_v not_o hence_o argue_v that_o sure_a the_o lord_n be_v nigh_o the_o accomplishment_n of_o it_o by_o put_v a_o end_n to_o to_o the_o sinful_a day_n of_o my_o pilgrimage_n here_o below_o yea_o here_o do_v the_o lord_n show_v i_o that_o whatever_o it_o be_v that_o lie_v in_o the_o way_n when_o he_o come_v to_o do_v this_o great_a work_n he_o will_v remove_v or_o down_o with_o it_o and_o true_o this_o i_o see_v through_o grace_n to_o be_v his_o manner_n of_o deal_n with_o my_o soul_n be_v it_o my_o own_o righteousness_n be_v it_o mere_a relation_n on_o who_o i_o too_o much_o lean_v and_o conceive_v my_o happiness_n to_o lie_v much_o in_o be_v it_o what_o it_o will_v christ_n will_v remove_v it_o when_o he_o come_v to_o do_v his_o great_a work_n therefore_o as_o i_o be_v then_o teach_v i_o ought_v to_o rely_v still_o upon_o christ_n readiness_n which_o the_o lord_n grant_v i_o may_v there_o be_v also_o hint_v to_o we_o that_o nothing_o be_v satisfactory_a to_o the_o saint_n call_v but_o god_n answer_n where_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o convince_v my_o soul_n of_o the_o evil_a that_o i_o have_v so_o long_o be_v guilty_a of_o that_o i_o still_o pour_v out_o my_o prayer_n before_o the_o lord_n but_o never_o regard_v any_o answer_n conclude_v that_o god_n will_v never_o answer_v they_o and_o true_o now_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v to_o show_v i_o that_o it_o be_v a_o great_a sin_n in_o i_o to_o content_v myself_o in_o pour_v out_o my_o desire_n and_o never_o look_v after_o the_o return_n of_o they_o until_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v sudden_o and_o in_o a_o unexpected_a manner_n and_o measure_n as_o he_o have_v promise_v to_o come_v in_o with_o a_o answer_n to_o my_o soul_n even_o before_o i_o think_v of_o it_o or_o expect_v it_o though_o i_o have_v often_o beg_v it_o of_o the_o lord_n another_o thing_n be_v then_o hint_v to_o my_o soul_n which_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v to_o give_v i_o much_o experience_n of_o to_o wit_n what_o a_o bless_a thing_n it_o be_v and_o comfortable_a to_o the_o soul_n to_o have_v mercy_n come_v in_o as_o a_o answer_n to_o prayer_n which_o be_v that_o which_o make_v they_o sweet_a indeed_o to_o that_o soul_n that_o enjoy_v they_o there_o be_v also_o at_o this_o bless_a season_n that_o objection_n answer_v that_o the_o saint_n often_o pray_v and_o yet_o god_n do_v not_o answer_v show_v first_o that_o many_o time_n they_o do_v not_o well_o understand_v god_n answer_n but_o his_o answer_n be_v very_o full_a though_o they_o understand_v they_o not_o second_o yea_o sometime_o he_o answer_v by_o converse_v with_o the_o soul_n at_o that_o time_n admit_v they_o into_o his_o presence_n with_o that_o freedom_n three_o by_o give_v of_o they_o strength_n of_o grace_n for_o the_o attendance_n and_o wait_v upon_o he_o four_o sometime_o by_o awaken_n of_o the_o soul_n by_o a_o due_a prize_v of_o the_o mercy_n beg_v five_o sometime_o by_o give_v in_o of_o mercy_n that_o be_v not_o in_o the_o same_o kind_a the_o soul_n will_v have_v they_o every_o of_o which_o way_n i_o now_o see_v the_o lord_n have_v answer_v those_o prayer_n which_o former_o i_o think_v have_v be_v cover_v with_o a_o cloud_n from_o all_o which_o do_v the_o lord_n stir_v up_o my_o soul_n to_o a_o quick_a lively_a diligent_a search_n into_o the_o answer_n of_o prayer_n that_o have_v be_v put_v up_o to_o the_o lord_n by_o my_o poor_a soul_n for_o many_o year_n pass_v to_o this_o day_n in_o the_o search_n of_o which_o i_o find_v many_o rich_a answer_n that_o i_o have_v long_o rob_v the_o lord_n of_o the_o glory_n of_o the_o nine_o of_o march_n do_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o send_v that_o servant_n of_o his_o mr._n marshal_n to_o the_o chapel_n at_o fulham_n who_o do_v from_o the_o lord_n declare_v a_o most_o gracious_a and_o comfortable_a word_n to_o my_o soul_n which_o the_o lord_n please_v to_o bless_v to_o i_o and_o may_v be_v ground_n for_o my_o faith_n while_o i_o have_v a_o day_n to_o live_v in_o this_o sinful_a world_n that_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o hint_n from_o he_o 1_o ephes_n 22_o 23._o from_o which_o he_o take_v occasion_n to_o show_v we_o that_o christ_n do_v stand_v in_o that_o relation_n to_o all_o his_o saint_n as_o the_o natural_a head_n do_v to_o the_o natural_a body_n and_o that_o therefore_o as_o in_o the_o natural_a body_n all_o those_o perfection_n that_o be_v in_o the_o head_n be_v in_o it_o for_o the_o good_a and_o use_n of_o the_o whole_a body_n and_o that_o if_o every_o limb_n and_o joint_n if_o it_o can_v speak_v it_o may_v say_v i_o be_o at_o ease_n i_o can_v see_v taste_n smell_v and_o the_o like_a therefore_o all_o these_o perfection_n in_o christ_n the_o head_n be_v in_o he_o for_o the_o good_a and_o use_n of_o every_o one_o of_o his_o member_n what_o ever_o can_v be_v speak_v concern_v christ_n as_o undertake_v the_o work_n of_o man_n salvation_n they_o be_v these_o perfection_n of_o christ_n the_o head_n as_o for_o example_n as_o the_o fullness_n of_o christ_n person_n his_o divine_a and_o humane_a perfection_n all_o the_o excellency_n of_o his_o office_n all_o his_o merit_n and_o all_o his_o satisfaction_n gift_n grace_n every_o thing_n that_o can_v be_v true_o speak_v of_o christ_n since_o he_o be_v design_v of_o god_n
may_v have_v cause_n to_o praise_v he_o even_o to_o all_o eternity_n for_o this_o unspeakable_a mercy_n this_o latter_a be_v write_v in_o the_o behalf_n of_o one_o in_o near_a relation_n afterward_o it_o be_v exceed_o set_v upon_o my_o heart_n not_o to_o do_v it_o only_o in_o his_o behalf_n but_o also_o in_o the_o behalf_n of_o other_o poor_a dark_a soul_n in_o relation_n to_o i_o may_v the_o 4._o oh_o my_o soul_n must_v thou_o not_o needs_o acknowledge_v the_o lord_n a_o god_n hear_v the_o very_a groan_n of_o thy_o soul_n before_o they_o be_v effectual_o put_v up_o put_v in_o at_o the_o very_a time_n a_o seasonable_a word_n into_o the_o mouth_n of_o his_o servant_n suit_v to_o thy_o trouble_n and_o fear_n support_v thy_o spirit_n under_o they_o abundant_o and_o do_v not_o the_o lord_n that_o same_o day_n may_v 4._o by_o a_o letter_n that_o as_o soon_o as_o i_o come_v home_o come_v to_o my_o hand_n give_v my_o soul_n great_a hope_n of_o a_o begin_v work_n upon_o that_o poor_a soul_n which_o come_v as_o it_o be_v as_o a_o fresh_a return_n of_o prayer_n this_o very_a person_n be_v in_o my_o heart_n in_o these_o desire_n that_o be_v then_o put_v up_o may_v 21._o the_o lord_n be_v please_v one_o evening_n very_o much_o to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n to_o beg_v his_o appearance_n to_o my_o soul_n in_o every_o ordinance_n in_o a_o more_o full_a and_o lively_a manner_n then_o former_o and_o next_o day_n be_v the_o first_o day_n of_o the_o week_n true_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v very_o much_o to_o appear_v in_o the_o morning_n to_o refresh_v and_o cheer_v my_o heart_n and_o so_o also_o in_o the_o ordinance_n of_o the_o supper_n for_o which_o bless_v the_o lord_n o_o my_o soul_n the_o four_o of_o the_o four_o month_n in_o the_o evening_n i_o find_v my_o heart_n very_o dead_a and_o dull_a to_o any_o spiritual_a service_n yet_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o draw_v it_o out_o in_o this_o request_n to_o he_o beg_v a_o special_a presence_n of_o his_o the_o next_o day_n both_o in_o prayer_n and_o preach_v and_o the_o ordinance_n of_o the_o supper_n beg_v the_o lord_n to_o appear_v through_o his_o servant_n that_o be_v to_o administer_v in_o his_o name_n that_o there_o may_v be_v such_o a_o lively_a presence_n and_o appearance_n of_o god_n through_o he_o as_o may_v be_v a_o token_n of_o good_a to_o my_o soul_n and_o true_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v the_o next_o day_n in_o a_o lively_a manner_n to_o appear_v not_o only_o suit_v his_o appearance_n to_o that_o dead_a dull_a frame_n my_o wretched_a heart_n be_v in_o to_o he_o but_o do_v abundant_o above_o even_o my_o expectation_n in_o some_o sense_n ride_v triumphant_o and_o glorious_o in_o the_o chariot_n of_o his_o word_n the_o 13_o of_o this_o four_o month_n in_o the_o evening_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n very_o much_o among_o other_o thing_n to_o plead_v with_o he_o to_o discover_v to_o i_o what_o the_o desire_n the_o hungring_n and_o the_o thirsting_n of_o my_o soul_n be_v indeed_o after_o tell_v he_o withal_o that_o as_o far_o as_o i_o know_v my_o own_o heart_n it_o be_v not_o after_o the_o world_n the_o profit_n pleasure_n or_o any_o thing_n in_o it_o beseech_v he_o to_o search_v and_o try_v i_o and_o if_o i_o be_v deceive_v in_o this_o to_o discover_v it_o to_o i_o and_o to_o be_v so_o far_o from_o satisfy_v any_o thirst_n of_o my_o soul_n after_o any_o thing_n beside_o himself_o as_o to_o blast_v it_o and_o to_o make_v i_o sensible_a of_o it_o and_o humble_a before_o he_o for_o it_o but_o tell_v he_o withal_o that_o he_o have_v promise_v that_o he_o that_o hunger_n and_o thirst_v after_o righteousness_n they_o shall_v be_v satisfy_v and_o fill_v and_o true_o if_o i_o know_v any_o thing_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n this_o be_v it_o my_o soul_n wait_v for_o and_o bray_v after_o to_o be_v make_v more_o like_o he_o more_o conformable_a to_o he_o to_o have_v the_o spirit_n of_o a_o child_n put_v upon_o i_o whereby_o i_o may_v be_v more_o like_a unto_o he_o and_o more_o dedicate_v and_o give_v up_o in_o all_o my_o way_n to_o he_o but_o that_o if_o it_o be_v not_o thus_o with_o i_o but_o that_o i_o be_v deceive_v in_o it_o i_o do_v then_o beg_v above_o all_o thing_n in_o the_o world_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v discover_v it_o unto_o i_o the_o 25_o of_o this_o four_o month_n my_o spirit_n wasdraw_v out_o to_o beg_v the_o lord_n appearance_n the_o next_o day_n and_o suit_v my_o heart_n to_o it_o which_o i_o find_v in_o a_o very_a dead_a &_o dull_a frame_n beseech_v the_o lord_n that_o his_o appearance_n may_v not_o answer_v that_o wretched_a frame_n my_o heart_n be_v then_o in_o but_o that_o my_o heart_n may_v be_v put_v in_o frame_n to_o meet_v with_o he_o as_o also_o that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o provide_v a_o portion_n for_o every_o poor_a soul_n that_o desire_v to_o see_v his_o face_n and_o to_o seek_v his_o presence_n that_o they_o may_v find_v some_o word_n suitable_a to_o their_o condition_n and_o how_o rich_o and_o abundant_o do_v the_o lord_n answer_v each_o of_o those_o desire_n both_o in_o behalf_n of_o my_o own_o soul_n and_o also_o on_o the_o behalf_n of_o other_o how_o glorious_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v and_o ride_v triumphant_o in_o the_o chariot_n of_o his_o word_n this_o day_n in_o the_o morning_n present_v very_o glorious_a useful_a truth_n seasonable_a to_o my_o poor_a soul_n which_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o practice_v and_o make_v use_n of_o enable_v i_o to_o improve_v the_o promise_n to_o this_o great_a work_n of_o clean_v from_o corruption_n yea_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v in_o a_o further_a way_n to_o answer_v my_o desire_n for_o other_o put_v in_o a_o very_a seasonable_a word_n of_o he_o to_o my_o cousin_n jefferson_n concern_v freewill_n who_o be_v much_o in_o my_o thought_n in_o my_o former_a request_n show_v how_o the_o promise_n be_v make_v in_o respect_n of_o our_o own_o weakness_n and_o nothingness_n for_o have_v the_o creature_n any_o power_n god_n need_v not_o promise_v to_o do_v all_o the_o lord_n have_v thus_o appear_v this_o morning_n there_o arise_v in_o my_o heart_n a_o question_n at_o noon_n whether_o i_o shall_v not_o public_o by_o mr._n knight_n offer_v up_o praise_n to_o the_o lord_n for_o this_o appearance_n of_o he_o but_o through_o many_o fear_n that_o arise_v upon_o my_o spirit_n lest_o it_o may_v be_v misconstrue_v as_o if_o i_o do_v desire_v to_o appear_v to_o be_v somebody_o with_o the_o like_a temptation_n be_v keep_v off_o yet_o notwithstanding_o some_o trouble_n to_o my_o spirit_n for_o i_o be_v great_o desirous_a to_o have_v bless_v the_o lord_n public_o for_o it_o yet_o how_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v in_o answer_n to_o this_o secret_a desire_n of_o i_o for_o mr._n knight_n himself_o upon_o his_o own_o account_n do_v large_o bless_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o appearance_n in_o the_o midst_n of_o the_o day_n and_o so_o throughout_o with_o which_o my_o heart_n do_v real_o close_a and_o so_o do_v our_o sister_n arnal_a as_o she_o say_v afterward_o as_o well_o as_o myself_o great_o rejoice_v that_o the_o lord_n draw_v out_o his_o heart_n in_o that_o wherein_o her_o heart_n and_o mind_n also_o do_v so_o abundant_o join_v our_o brethren_n have_v make_v some_o entrance_n into_o the_o private_a conference_n and_o somewhat_o of_o god_n appear_v from_o several_a of_o they_o my_o heart_n be_v much_o draw_v out_o to_o propound_v some_o question_n to_o they_o have_v two_o or_o three_o thing_n upon_o my_o spirit_n wherein_o i_o be_v much_o unsatisfied_a and_o have_v resolve_v upon_o the_o thing_n in_o general_n there_o arise_v a_o great_a dispute_n in_o my_o spirit_n which_o question_n to_o propound_v first_o for_o they_o all_o leave_v much_o weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o among_o other_o i_o have_v a_o very_a strong_a desire_n to_o propound_v this_o what_o mean_n may_v be_v best_o available_a for_o the_o subdue_a of_o pride_n and_o strong_a debate_n have_v i_o in_o my_o spirit_n before_o i_o can_v pass_v this_o over_o yet_o at_o the_o last_o my_o spirit_n be_v overcome_v to_o propound_v another_o which_o prove_v very_o suitable_a to_o many_o other_o spirit_n in_o which_o i_o see_v some_o hand_n of_o god_n yet_o do_v my_o heart_n earnest_o long_o after_o some_o resolution_n concern_v that_o of_o pride_n but_o how_o gloriou_o do_v the_o lord_n a_o while_n after_o the_o 26_o of_o this_o four_o month_n appear_v in_o answer_n to_o it_o show_v i_o that_o there_o be_v no_o way_n like_o to_o the_o take_n of_o the_o advantage_n of_o the_o ordinance_n which_o the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o do_v about_o the_o end_n of_o this_o four_o
month_n observe_v mr._n knight_n somewhat_o astonish_v at_o the_o passage_n of_o providence_n in_o the_o government_n upon_o which_o for_o some_o time_n he_o be_v very_o weak_a in_o pray_v for_o it_o and_o seek_v the_o lord_n for_o they_o in_o place_n which_o be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o my_o spirit_n whereupon_o i_o make_v a_o draught_n of_o a_o letter_n to_o send_v to_o he_o wherein_o i_o present_v he_o with_o my_o scatter_a thought_n desire_v he_o to_o take_v a_o view_n of_o what_o he_o deliver_v to_o we_o the_o last_o thanksgiving_n day_n from_o that_o isai_n 65._o 24._o before_o they_o call_v i_o will_v answer_v show_v that_o god_n be_v so_o quick_a in_o his_o work_n in_o these_o latter_a day_n that_o he_o often_o leave_v his_o own_o behind_o with_o some_o other_o such_o hint_n which_o letter_n i_o do_v not_o send_v fear_v to_o press_v too_o far_o upon_o my_o own_o ability_n in_o that_o kind_n but_o how_o abundant_o do_v the_o lord_n answer_v those_o desire_n which_o be_v only_o upon_o my_o heart_n but_o not_o present_v at_o all_o save_v only_o before_o the_o lord_n who_o be_v please_v to_o draw_v out_o his_o heart_n to_o mention_v they_o before_o he_o and_o afterward_o upon_o the_o 10_o of_o the_o 6_o month_n upon_o the_o occasion_n of_o a_o day_n keep_v to_o seek_v the_o lord_n for_o they_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v again_o to_o cast_v in_o thought_n upon_o the_o same_o scripture_n in_o isai_n 65._o 24._o before_o they_o call_v i_o will_v answer_v which_o be_v a_o real_a answer_n of_o my_o poor_a desire_n wherein_o the_o lord_n show_v i_o that_o the_o desire_n i_o have_v be_v yet_o upon_o his_o heart_n for_o which_o bless_v the_o lord_n o_o my_o soul_n who_o though_o thou_o do_v not_o press_v they_o those_o desire_n be_v hinder_v by_o some_o thought_n arise_v in_o my_o own_o mind_n yet_o be_v please_v to_o give_v i_o to_o see_v the_o desire_a issue_n which_o thou_o do_v aim_v at_o there_o be_v the_o 10_o of_o the_o 6_o month_n at_o a_o private_a day_n of_o humiliation_n we_o keep_v with_o respect_n to_o the_o public_a affair_n of_o the_o nation_n &_o ourselves_o four_o paper_n of_o desire_n put_v up_o to_o the_o lord_n to_o mr._n knight_n these_o two_o first_o the_o lord_n have_v begin_v gracious_o to_o answer_v the_o ten_o of_o this_o six_o month_n the_o first_o be_v this_o one_o to_o who_o the_o lord_n have_v discover_v from_o his_o word_n what_o great_a advantage_n there_o be_v hold_v out_o in_o it_o to_o the_o cleanse_n of_o the_o soul_n and_o perfect_v of_o holiness_n in_o they_o but_o the_o party_n not_o be_v able_a to_o discern_v they_o to_o be_v make_v real_a advantage_n to_o their_o soul_n although_o if_o their_o heart_n deceive_v they_o not_o it_o be_v the_o great_a desire_n and_o expectation_n of_o their_o soul_n to_o perfect_a holiness_n and_o the_o want_n of_o the_o sight_n of_o it_o their_o continue_a burden_n which_o make_v they_o even_o cry_v out_o for_o deliverance_n and_o for_o the_o accomplishment_n of_o the_o time_n wherein_o they_o shall_v dishonour_v god_n no_o more_o but_o shall_v be_v make_v like_o unto_o he_o desire_v your_o remembrance_n before_o the_o lord_n to_o those_o end_n that_o see_v his_o will_n be_v in_o those_o thing_n and_o that_o the_o promise_n be_v so_o full_a concern_v the_o accomplishment_n of_o it_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o discover_v to_o their_o soul_n why_o it_o be_v that_o the_o work_n go_v so_o heavy_o on_o and_o what_o shall_v be_v discover_v to_o be_v the_o let_v it_o may_v also_o by_o he_o be_v remove_v whatever_o it_o be_v though_o in_o thing_n never_o so_o near_o and_o dear_a and_o their_o heart_n support_v and_o bear_v up_o and_o make_v submissively-willing_a to_o lie_v down_o at_o his_o foot_n to_o be_v make_v to_o do_v to_o bear_v to_o suffer_v to_o forsake_v any_o thing_n for_o his_o glory_n but_o how_o gracious_o do_v the_o lord_n this_o same_o day_n be_v the_o ten_o day_n of_o this_o six_o month_n begin_v to_o answer_v one_o main_a thing_n in_o this_o request_n discover_v to_o my_o soul_n that_o haply_o one_o main_a end_n why_o he_o do_v not_o perfect_a this_o work_n of_o holiness_n in_o i_o but_o suffer_v corruption_n still_o to_o work_v may_v be_v that_o i_o may_v yet_o cry_v out_o more_o mighty_o to_o he_o haply_o i_o have_v not_o be_v so_o importunate_a in_o my_o desire_n after_o sanctification_n as_o after_o remission_n and_o pardon_n and_o the_o sight_n of_o sin_n and_o that_o the_o lord_n will_v have_v i_o yet_o to_o cry_v more_o mighty_o and_o wrestle_v it_o out_o with_o he_o and_o resolve_v to_o give_v he_o no_o rest_n yet_o not_o that_o i_o shall_v content_v myself_o in_o pour_v out_o those_o desire_n to_o he_o and_o so_o rest_v there_o as_o be_v also_o hint_v to_o i_o the_o same_o day_n but_o to_o be_v watchful_a over_o my_o heart_n and_o conscience_n watch_v and_o pray_v call_v and_o cry_v until_o the_o lord_n appear_v and_o not_o to_o think_v it_o enough_o to_o spread_v these_o desire_n before_o the_o lord_n and_o then_o give_v way_n to_o sin_n and_o temptation_n and_o corruption_n and_o as_o be_v the_o next_o day_n the_o eleven_o of_o this_o 6_o month_n 1653._o hint_v to_o i_o what_o be_v god_n end_n in_o discover_v the_o power_n and_o strength_n of_o sin_n but_o that_o we_o come_v more_o near_o to_o he_o and_o by_o faith_n roll_n upon_o his_o covenant_n and_o promise_v for_o strength_n against_o it_o and_o on_o the_o other_o side_n what_o be_v satan_n end_n in_o set_v home_o sin_n with_o the_o aggravation_n of_o it_o but_o to_o make_v we_o sit_v down_o in_o discouragement_n now_o o_o my_o soul_n be_v it_o better_o for_o thou_o to_o accomplish_v god_n end_n or_o satan_n end_n oh_o therefore_o close_o in_o with_o god_n &_o beg_v power_n and_o strength_n of_o he_o to_o do_v it_o nay_o in_o far_a answer_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o to_o expostulate_v with_o that_o unbelief_n and_o first_o of_o my_o own_o heart_n this_o eleven_o day_n say_v o_o my_o soul_n be_v it_o not_o thy_o duty_n to_o believe_v for_o be_v it_o not_o say_v bless_a be_v they_o that_o believe_v though_o thou_o see_v not_o lust_n and_o corruption_n subdue_v by_o the_o eye_n of_o sense_n yet_o o_o my_o soul_n roll_n upon_o the_o covenant_n and_o promise_n by_o faith_n for_o faith_n be_v the_o substance_n of_o thing_n not_o see_v and_o the_o evidence_n of_o thing_n hope_v for_o therefore_o when_o thou_o come_v to_o be_v full_o rid_v of_o this_o body_n of_o death_n than_o faith_n shall_v cease_v and_o be_v of_o no_o use_n but_o now_o be_v the_o time_n to_o act_v faith_n when_o thou_o can_v by_o the_o eye_n of_o sense_n see_v nothing_o but_o thyself_o to_o be_v compass_v in_o with_o a_o body_n of_o death_n and_o corruption_n and_o for_o the_o want_n of_o the_o sight_n of_o holiness_n perfect_v in_o the_o fear_n of_o god_n the_o lord_n do_v not_o only_o discover_v that_o his_o will_n lie_v in_o this_o work_n that_o it_o be_v his_o will_n even_o our_o sanctification_n and_o that_o we_o may_v well_o remember_v he_o with_o it_o and_o pray_v as_o he_o teach_v we_o that_o his_o will_n may_v be_v do_v so_o it_o shall_v certain_o be_v but_o do_v the_o lord_n discover_v to_o my_o soul_n the_o eleven_o of_o this_o month_n that_o this_o also_o be_v part_n of_o the_o prayer_n of_o christ_n sanctify_v they_o through_o thy_o truth_n joh._n 17._o and_o he_o say_v in_o joh._n 11._o speak_v at_o lasazrus_n his_o grave_n i_o thank_v thou_o o_o father_n that_o thou_o have_v hear_v i_o always_o but_o i_o speak_v it_o for_o their_o sake_n that_o they_o may_v believe_v now_o o_o my_o soul_n if_o this_o be_v christ_n prayer_n and_o that_o as_o he_o say_v joh._n 17._o not_o for_o the_o disciple_n only_o but_o all_o that_o shall_v after_o believe_v and_o if_o god_n hear_v he_o in_o what_o ever_o he_o ask_v as_o he_o say_v he_o do_v then_o o_o my_o soul_n up_o and_o believe_v for_o this_o work_n shall_v certain_o go_v on_o the_o truth_n be_v the_o lord_n do_v herein_o not_o only_o answer_v to_o this_o but_o to_o the_o other_o request_n also_o that_o be_v this_o day_n present_v so_o that_o the_o lord_n do_v answer_v they_o both_o even_o as_o i_o do_v at_o once_o present_v they_o both_o bless_v for_o ever_o be_v his_o name_n which_o gracious_a answer_n cause_v my_o soul_n the_o next_o day_n to_o present_v this_o short_a desire_n also_o to_o mr._n knight_n to_o be_v put_v up_o to_o god_n in_o way_n of_o thanks_o say_v one_o who_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v through_o rich_a grace_n and_o mercy_n to_o hear_v and_o answer_v since_o our_o last_o meeting_n desire_v to_o
magnify_v the_o name_n of_o our_o prayer-hearing_a god_n a_o god_n that_o delight_v in_o mercy_n and_o in_o the_o manifestation_n of_o it_o to_o his_o poor_a worthless_a creature_n beseech_v he_o further_a to_o increase_v my_o faith_n and_o help_v i_o to_o act_v it_o lively_a at_o this_o present_a in_o a_o plentiful_a feed_n upon_o the_o lord_n jesus_n that_o so_o my_o soul_n may_v find_v abundant_a strength_n heal_v and_o cleanse_v to_o issue_n from_o he_o in_o who_o all_o my_o hope_n and_o help_n lie_v the_o same_o ten_o of_o this_o six_o month_n the_o second_o paper_n that_o i_o put_v up_o this_o day_n be_v in_o relation_n to_o our_o communion_n which_o i_o thus_o express_v one_o of_o this_o despise_a handful_n desire_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o humble_v our_o soul_n before_o he_o that_o we_o have_v be_v guilty_a before_o he_o of_o rashness_n and_o inconsiderateness_n together_o with_o want_n of_o love_n and_o tenderness_n to_o each_o other_o which_o the_o lord_n make_v every_o soul_n of_o we_o deep_o sensible_a of_o and_o help_v we_o to_o abound_v more_o to_o his_o praise_n in_o every_o good_a word_n and_o work_n that_o we_o may_v never_o by_o any_o of_o our_o weakness_n and_o miscarriage_n be_v any_o occasion_n to_o darken_v his_o glory_n to_o the_o world_n in_o answer_n to_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v in_o some_o measure_n to_o draw_v out_o the_o heart_n of_o mr._n k._n to_o confess_v this_o iniquity_n before_o the_o lord_n with_o it_o a_o sense_n of_o and_o to_o mourn_v for_o one_o who_o come_v in_o at_o the_o first_o without_o due_a trial_n which_o i_o hope_v not_o without_o some_o ground_n the_o lord_n have_v set_v it_o home_o upon_o many_o if_o not_o all_o our_o spirit_n with_o adeepsense_n of_o our_o miscarrage_n in_o it_o the_o ten_o of_o the_o six_o month_n be_v the_o paper_n put_v up_o also_o to_o present_v to_o the_o lord_n by_o mr._n knight_n at_o a_o day_n of_o fast_n thus_o one_o desire_v your_o earnest_a prayer_n before_o the_o lord_n and_o to_o spread_v the_o sad_a condition_n of_o one_o in_o near_a relation_n to_o she_o that_o conceive_v himself_o in_o a_o happy_a condition_n when_o there_o be_v ground_n enough_o to_o fear_v the_o contrary_a she_o desire_v you_o together_o with_o she_o to_o beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o discover_v it_o to_o he_o that_o so_o he_o may_v have_v no_o rest_n in_o his_o soul_n till_o he_o be_v bring_v home_o and_o build_v upon_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n that_o only_a foundation_n the_o same_o ten_o of_o this_o six_o month_n 1653._o one_o who_o be_v compass_v with_o such_o a_o body_n of_o death_n and_o corruption_n under_o which_o the_o party_n sad_o mourn_v pollute_v all_o that_o ever_o she_o put_v her_o hand_n unto_o therefore_o she_o desire_v your_o earnest_a prayer_n to_o the_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v come_v and_o dwell_v in_o her_o soul_n and_o be_v as_o a_o refiner_n fire_n and_o as_o full_a soap_n to_o cleanse_v she_o and_o to_o burn_v up_o whatsoever_o be_v contrary_a to_o himself_o or_o any_o way_n darken_v his_o glory_n the_o 13_o of_o the_o six_o month_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n exceed_o to_o beg_v a_o increase_n of_o faith_n even_o beyond_o sight_n &_o sense_n that_o though_o i_o can_v not_o see_v corruption_n dead_a yet_o that_o i_o may_v believe_v that_o it_o shall_v be_v so_o in_o god_n time_n as_o also_o to_o beg_v for_o our_o sister_n harris_n her_o mother_n and_o that_o the_o lord_n will_v please_v to_o cure_v she_o of_o the_o fear_n of_o death_n who_o have_v be_v subject_a to_o this_o bondage_n and_o help_v she_o to_o commit_v her_o soul_n to_o he_o as_o a_o faithful_a creator_n and_o a_o everlasting_a love_a tender-hearted_a father_n the_o fifteen_o day_n of_o the_o six_o month_n be_v discover_v to_o i_o that_o i_o have_v often_o think_v that_o if_o i_o have_v but_o assurance_n of_o the_o love_n of_o god_n than_o nothing_o can_v trouble_v i_o but_o i_o shall_v be_v swallow_v up_o with_o joy_n and_o even_o overcome_v with_o it_o but_o oh_o my_o soul_n have_v it_o be_v thus_o with_o thou_o since_o the_o lord_n appear_v abundant_o in_o way_n of_o refreshment_n to_o thou_o or_o rather_o quit_v contrary_a since_o thou_o have_v be_v set_v free_a from_o from_o the_o fear_n of_o hell_n and_o wrath_n oh_o how_o sad_a to_o think_v that_o ever_o thou_o shall_v live_v to_o rebel_v against_o such_o a_o god_n a_o father_n of_o so_o much_o mercy_n about_o the_o end_n of_o the_o seven_o month_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o lay_v some_o light_a affliction_n upon_o my_o poor_a body_n thereby_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n after_o this_o manner_n to_o he_o bless_a lord_n what_o may_v thy_o end_n be_v in_o thy_o fatherly_a chastisement_n oh_o that_o thou_o will_v discover_v it_o and_o rather_o let_v this_o affliction_n abide_v continue_v yea_o be_v increase_v and_o augment_v what_o thou_o will_v rather_o than_o that_o the_o corruption_n shall_v not_o be_v discover_v and_o purge_v out_o which_o request_n be_v still_o continue_v then_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v in_o some_o measure_n in_o answer_n hereunto_o to_o discover_v those_o thing_n follow_v to_o i_o which_o i_o know_v not_o but_o that_o he_o may_v much_o aim_n at_o as_o may_v not_o the_o lord_n have_v some_o respect_n to_o thy_o want_n of_o pity_n and_o compassion_n to_o one_o in_o misery_n may_v not_o the_o lord_n lie_v his_o hand_n upon_o thou_o though_o not_o in_o that_o kind_n nay_o be_v he_o not_o righteous_a if_o he_o shall_v lay_v the_o same_o stroke_n have_v not_o thou_o deserve_v it_o as_o well_o as_o she_o may_v not_o the_o lord_n do_v it_o to_o call_v thou_o home_o and_o quicken_v thou_o from_o thy_o sloth_n deadness_n &_o dulness_n and_o the_o estrangement_n of_o heart_n that_o be_v so_o fast_o a_o grow_n between_o thy_o soul_n and_o the_o lord_n o_o bless_a father_n say_v my_o soul_n let_v my_o corruption_n be_v wrought_v out_o and_o thy_o poor_a creature_n quicken_v be_v not_o thy_o heart_n and_o affection_n exceed_o run_v out_o from_o the_o lord_n to_o the_o creature_n oh_o blened_a be_v that_o stroke_n that_o call_v thou_o back_o so_o that_o this_o work_n be_v but_o do_v by_o it_o the_o three_o day_n of_o the_o eight_o month_n be_v much_o oppress_v in_o spirit_n with_o the_o thought_n of_o the_o dishonour_n that_o will_v come_v to_o god_n and_o scandal_n to_o the_o gospel_n by_o the_o sad_a fall_n of_o one_o of_o our_o brethren_n and_o the_o fear_n that_o be_v upon_o my_o heart_n touch_v he_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n this_o evening_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o discover_v to_o our_o soul_n in_o general_a and_o to_o my_o soul_n in_o particular_a what_o his_o end_n be_v in_o gather_v this_o poor_a handful_n together_o tell_v he_o i_o hope_v he_o do_v not_o do_v it_o to_o make_v we_o the_o instrument_n of_o his_o dishonour_n to_o the_o world_n and_o withal_o i_o be_v put_v upon_o it_o i_o very_o believe_v by_o the_o spirit_n of_o the_o lord_n in_o that_o same_o day_n to_o reflect_v back_o upon_o my_o own_o soul_n what_o my_o end_n be_v enjoin_v in_o that_o communion_n and_o as_o i_o be_v press_v the_o lord_n to_o show_v i_o why_o or_o to_o what_o end_n he_o have_v direct_v i_o to_o join_v in_o that_o society_n tell_v he_o withal_o that_o sure_o my_o desire_n be_v to_o attend_v upon_o direction_n in_o it_o and_o that_o if_o any_o other_o thing_n what_o ever_o do_v bias_n my_o spirit_n in_o the_o act_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v please_v to_o discover_v it_o to_o i_o whereupon_o i_o beg_v of_o the_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v help_v i_o to_o examine_v my_o heart_n about_o it_o and_o that_o if_o i_o be_v bias_v by_o any_o wrong_a respect_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v convince_v i_o of_o it_o and_o humble_a my_o soul_n deep_o for_o it_o and_o pardon_v it_o in_o christ_n blood_n now_o o_o my_o soul_n deal_v impartial_o in_o this_o work_n of_o examination_n in_o this_o thing_n and_o spread_v it_o before_o he_o this_o letter_n be_v give_v to_o master_n knight_n what_o to_o seek_v the_o lord_n about_o upon_o the_o nine_o of_o this_o month_n 1653._o dear_a sir_n sathan_n have_v often_o beset_v my_o soul_n to_o endeavour_v to_o keep_v it_o from_o a_o present_a participate_v in_o this_o holy_a ordinance_n upon_o several_a pretence_n and_o have_v again_o now_o attempt_v it_o i_o dare_v no_o long_o keep_v his_o counsel_n but_o in_o the_o impart_v of_o it_o i_o crave_v that_o help_n of_o your_o prayer_n at_o the_o throne_n of_o grace_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o disappoint_v he_o in_o all_o his_o vice_n that_o wherein_o he_o seek_v to_o do_v i_o hurt_v
degree_n of_o it_o which_o thou_o see_v through_o mercy_n by_o other_o though_o not_o visible_o to_o they_o thus_o do_v the_o lord_n bring_v a_o good_a issue_n out_o of_o their_o own_o speech_n and_o word_n cause_v thou_o to_o lie_v down_o at_o his_o foot_n expect_v the_o punishment_n of_o thy_o iniquity_n yea_o great_a difficulty_n than_o these_o have_v the_o lord_n carry_v thou_o through_o when_o all_o the_o power_n of_o hell_n and_o thy_o own_o corruption_n have_v combine_v together_o to_o keep_v thou_o from_o duty_n of_o prayer_n meditation_n and_o examination_n and_o the_o like_a and_o yet_o the_o lord_n have_v enable_v thou_o to_o break_v through_o all_o and_o to_o pour_v out_o thy_o soul_n to_o he_o when_o thou_o be_v even_o in_o thy_o own_o apprehension_n at_o the_o pit_n brink_n and_o yet_o resolve_v to_o cry_v to_o he_o and_o not_o to_o give_v over_o cry_v and_o call_v whilst_o thou_o live_v notwithstanding_o all_o temptation_n to_o the_o contrary_a yea_o the_o more_o strong_a the_o temptation_n be_v the_o more_o speedy_o be_v thou_o fain_o to_o address_v to_o the_o lord_n for_o his_o strength_n and_o power_n to_o assist_v thou_o in_o grapple_v with_o they_o yea_o when_o some_o time_n overcome_v as_o it_o be_v and_o beat_v down_o by_o satan_n and_o enter_v the_o very_a border_n of_o despair_n yet_o even_o thence_o from_o this_o belly_n of_o hell_n in_o which_o thou_o do_v apprehend_v thyself_o already_o enter_v do_v not_o the_o lord_n enable_v thou_o to_o cry_v to_o he_o &_o resolve_v to_o give_v he_o no_o rest_n yea_o when_o thou_o find_v no_o advantage_n or_o profit_n of_o all_o thy_o prayer_n and_o tear_n &_o sigh_n &_o croan_n but_o that_o the_o lord_n seem_v to_o turn_v a_o deaf_a ear_n yet_o do_v not_o the_o lord_n enable_v thou_o to_o go_v on_o and_o to_o tell_v he_o that_o all_o those_o comfort_n and_o enjoyment_n here_o below_o they_o be_v poor_a mean_a thing_n such_o as_o thou_o can_v not_o take_v for_o thy_o portion_n and_o therefore_o do_v beg_v with_o submission_n to_o his_o will_n that_o if_o he_o have_v no_o other_o for_o thou_o but_o the_o portion_n of_o this_o life_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o deny_v thou_o they_o also_o and_o never_o give_v they_o to_o be_v a_o snare_n but_o rather_o let_v thou_o end_v thy_o day_n in_o some_o desolate_a wilderness_n 3._o faithfulness_n appear_v in_o cheerful_a service_n now_o o_o my_o soul_n be_v thou_o not_o able_a to_o say_v before_o the_o lord_n the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n through_o his_o grace_n that_o so_o much_o faithfulness_n as_o thou_o can_v discern_v in_o thou_o in_o any_o service_n of_o thy_o lord_n be_v thy_o very_a joy_n and_o rejoice_n of_o thy_o heart_n but_o on_o the_o other_o side_n so_o much_o unfaithfulness_n as_o thou_o can_v discern_v in_o any_o service_n this_o be_v it_o that_o make_v thou_o go_v mourn_v all_o thy_o day_n because_o thou_o be_v no_o more_o fruitful_a 4._o o_o my_o soul_n thy_o faithfulness_n in_o some_o measure_n appear_v in_o that_o thou_o be_v rejoice_v real_o in_o spirit_n when_o any_o opportunity_n be_v put_v into_o thy_o hand_n and_o thy_o heart_n be_v enable_v in_o any_o measure_n to_o improve_v it_o to_o the_o service_n and_o for_o the_o glory_n of_o thy_o lord_n and_o be_v thou_o not_o on_o the_o contrary_a grieve_v that_o thou_o have_v so_o many_o opportunity_n offer_v before_o thou_o but_o like_o a_o fool_n have_v not_o a_o heart_n to_o improve_v they_o for_o the_o glory_n of_o thy_o lord_n be_v not_o this_o thy_o daily_a burden_n lord_n thou_o know_v it_o be_v &_o when_o through_o the_o subtlety_n of_o satan_n and_o deceit_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n i_o fool_n away_o many_o rich_a opportunity_n by_o not_o improve_n of_o they_o which_o after_o prove_v a_o sad_a burden_n and_o affliction_n to_o i_o 5._o o_o my_o soul_n do_v there_o not_o appear_v some_o degree_n of_o faithfulness_n to_o thy_o lord_n in_o that_o thy_o endeavour_n do_v come_v still_o beneath_o thy_o desire_n have_v not_o the_o lord_n real_o enable_v thou_o through_o grace_n to_o say_v with_o paul_n the_o good_a that_o i_o will_v do_v i_o do_v not_o but_o o_o that_o i_o can_v do_v it_o that_o i_o can_v serve_v the_o lord_n more_o and_o better_o but_o oh_o how_o low_o do_v i_o live_v and_o how_o poor_o do_v i_o walk_v but_o oh_o that_o i_o can_v come_v to_o prayer_n and_o read_v and_o hear_v and_o meditate_v and_o do_v all_o private_a and_o public_a duty_n and_o walk_v in_o all_o my_o relation_n in_o this_o world_n as_o may_v honour_v this_o my_o lord_n be_v not_o these_o the_o continual_a groan_n and_o breathe_n of_o my_o heart_n before_o the_o lord_n lord_n thou_o know_v it_o for_o i_o have_v none_o i_o desire_v to_o appeal_v unto_o but_o to_o thou_o the_o searcher_n of_o my_o heart_n 6._o lord_n do_v not_o some_o faithfulness_n appear_v to_o be_v wrought_v in_o my_o soul_n by_o thou_o in_o that_o thou_o have_v above_o all_o thing_n make_v i_o to_o delight_v in_o that_o work_n that_o no_o eye_n see_v but_o thyself_o thou_o know_v what_o a_o fear_n have_v be_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o be_v to_o this_o day_n in_o a_o great_a measure_n to_o appear_v before_o other_o thou_o lord_n know_v how_o many_o year_n this_o fear_n have_v be_v as_o a_o prison_n to_o keep_v in_o the_o working_n of_o my_o heart_n &_o as_o door_n to_o my_o mouth_n to_o keep_v it_o from_o lament_v itself_o not_o so_o much_o as_o in_o one_o word_n in_o the_o hear_n of_o other_o lest_o there_o shall_v any_o pride_n or_o hypocrifie_n act_n in_o it_o yea_o to_o this_o very_a day_n how_o many_o service_n wherein_o perhaps_o thy_o lord_n may_v be_v honour_v be_v thou_o prevent_v and_o dare_v not_o to_o act_v in_o upon_o this_o very_a account_n that_o it_o can_v be_v do_v in_o private_a can_v thou_o not_o say_v before_o the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n that_o such_o thought_n and_o apprehension_n and_o fear_n as_o these_o lest_o other_o shall_v esteem_v thou_o better_o than_o thou_o be_v or_o thy_o own_o spirit_n be_v lift_v up_o before_o the_o lord_n or_o any_o false_a end_n bias_n thou_o in_o it_o that_o such_o thought_n i_o say_v as_o thief_n do_v often_o as_o it_o be_v tie_v up_o thy_o tongue_n sow_v up_o thy_o mouth_n in_o all_o company_n even_o while_o at_o that_o instant_n thy_o heart_n be_v even_o ready_a to_o split_v or_o break_v in_o piece_n for_o want_n of_o vent_n sometime_o apprehend_v that_o those_o discovery_n that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v sometime_o to_o make_v to_o thou_o and_o the_o rich_a grace_n he_o be_v please_v to_o manifest_v in_o thou_o in_o overcome_v all_o the_o unkindness_n in_o thou_o ought_v not_o to_o be_v put_v unnder_v a_o bushel_n but_o hold_v out_o to_o other_o and_o yet_o not_o dare_v to_o do_v it_o find_v my_o wretched_a heart_n so_o prone_a to_o be_v lift_v up_o upon_o all_o such_o occasion_n and_o so_o dishonour_n god_n that_o way_n and_o so_o deceive_v other_o and_o myself_o also_o and_o through_o both_o these_o fear_v my_o soul_n often_o walk_v sad_o before_o the_o lord_n fear_v to_o offend_v he_o and_o not_o be_v able_a to_o discern_v it_o whether_o way_n i_o may_v most_o honour_v he_o have_v make_v trial_n of_o both_o sometime_o silent_a and_o sometime_o speak_v and_o find_v the_o wickedness_n of_o my_o heart_n appear_v sad_o in_o both_o i_o know_v not_o sometime_o which_o be_v best_a the_o lord_n in_o mercy_n manifest_a and_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o o_o my_o soul_n thus_o may_v it_o probable_o and_o hopeful_o appear_v to_o thou_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v make_v thou_o in_o some_o measure_n his_o faithful_a servant_n 1._o the_o lord_n have_v give_v i_o some_o hope_n that_o i_o trust_v i_o have_v no_o other_o master_n that_o i_o willing_o call_v rabbi_n or_o willing_o serve_v but_o my_o lord_n jesus_n nor_o have_v i_o any_o other_o work_n that_o i_o do_v upon_o which_o my_o heart_n be_v delightful_o set_v upon_o but_o only_o my_o lord_n work_v and_o this_o appear_v far_a to_o i_o in_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v i_o hope_v in_o some_o measure_n wrought_v my_o heart_n to_o this_o frame_n of_o spirit_n to_o desire_v above_o all_o thing_n to_o serve_v my_o lord_n christ_n in_o all_o the_o relation_n he_o have_v set_v i_o in_o in_o this_o world_n and_o to_o that_o end_n every_o fail_n in_o any_o of_o they_o either_o as_o a_o child_n or_o friend_n or_o any_o relation_n though_o i_o too_o sad_o fail_v in_o they_o all_o this_o be_v that_o which_o if_o my_o heart_n deceive_v i_o not_o above_o all_o thing_n break_v my_o heart_n to_o think_v that_o hereby_o i_o do_v dishonour_n my_o lord_n jesus_n and_o that_o profession_n of_o be_v his_o servant_n it_o be_v not_o
how_o glorious_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o unveil_v the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n to_o thou_o as_o a_o physician_n to_o poor_a sick_a soul_n which_o discovery_n of_o he_o as_o it_o be_v very_o glorious_a so_o most_o suitable_a to_o the_o present_a estate_n of_o thy_o spirit_n be_v as_o i_o trust_v i_o may_v true_o say_v sick_a of_o its_o self_n of_o all_o its_o way_n and_o doubt_n and_o fail_n to_o all_o my_o relation_n &_o conversation_n and_o o_o how_o sweet_a and_o seasonable_a be_v it_o now_o to_o hear_v of_o such_o a_o physician_n as_o he_o be_v glorious_o hold_v out_o to_o be_v from_o that_o 9_o matth._n 12._o and_o for_o the_o other_o suit_n in_o cause_v my_o soul_n deep_o to_o fall_v in_o love_n with_o he_o and_o to_o be_v real_o take_v off_o from_o all_o thing_n else_o even_o for_o this_o i_o desire_v to_o wait_v until_o the_o same_o lord_n shall_v please_v to_o give_v in_o as_o gracious_a a_o answer_n which_o i_o trust_v he_o will_v also_o do_v in_o his_o due_a time_n and_o for_o those_o request_n put_v up_o this_o morning_n i_o can_v not_o but_o acknowledge_v that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o bow_v down_o and_o give_v i_o a_o sensible_a token_n of_o his_o glorious_a and_o gracious_a presence_n through_o which_o that_o present_a mercy_n in_o prayer_n every_o word_n come_v as_o it_o be_v from_o my_o very_a heart_n in_o both_o the_o prayer_n before_o and_o after_o sermon_n be_v the_o very_a groan_n and_o breathe_n of_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n and_o every_o word_n in_o the_o sermon_n almost_o be_v as_o it_o be_v speak_v from_o heaven_n to_o my_o heart_n so_o full_o and_o in_o those_o very_a thing_n that_o my_o heart_n be_v at_o that_o very_a time_n burden_a withal_o and_o i_o think_v to_o have_v vent_v to_o mr._n knight_n our_o dear_a pastor_n the_o day_n before_o which_o if_o the_o lord_n have_v not_o prevent_v i_o in_o i_o real_o fear_v that_o i_o shall_v not_o have_v have_v so_o clear_a and_o gracious_a a_o sight_n of_o god_n in_o this_o his_o appearance_n but_o shall_v have_v think_v sure_o he_o have_v speak_v those_o thing_n in_o relation_n to_o i_o but_o bless_v be_v that_o god_n that_o order_v thing_n so_o as_o to_o give_v his_o poor_a creature_n a_o more_o clear_a sight_n of_o the_o riches_n of_o his_o grace_n even_o as_o a_o prayer-hearing_a god_n and_o all_o this_o notwithstanding_o the_o rebellion_n of_o my_o spirit_n even_o under_o the_o hope_n of_o his_o appearance_n break_v out_o into_o that_o rash_a and_o sinful_a word_n be_v exceed_o weary_v go_v up_o and_o down_o westminster-hall_n and_o to_o whitehall_n and_o to_o and_o fro_o up_o and_o down_o then_o as_o i_o say_v do_v the_o passion_n of_o my_o wicked_a spirit_n cause_v i_o to_o break_v out_o into_o this_o foolish_a sinful_a expression_n say_v if_o i_o have_v know_v this_o i_o will_v not_o have_v come_v out_o this_o day_n when_o as_o perhaps_o the_o lord_n intent_n by_o it_o be_v to_o try_v i_o and_o make_v the_o folly_n of_o my_o heart_n appear_v to_o i_o and_o see_v how_o my_o faith_n can_v bear_v up_o against_o those_o discouragement_n and_o bodily_a trial_n for_o my_o body_n be_v much_o distemper_v and_o in_o this_o my_o walk_v up_o and_o down_o i_o have_v a_o pain_n take_v i_o under_o my_o side_n that_o strike_v through_o my_o breast_n to_o my_o heart_n that_o i_o look_v every_o moment_n when_o i_o shall_v fall_v down_o in_o the_o street_n as_o i_o go_v along_o and_o as_o i_o come_v back_o yet_o notwithstanding_o all_o this_o my_o rebellion_n and_o repent_v of_o my_o journey_n be_v the_o lord_n please_v not_o to_o do_v by_o i_o as_o righteous_o he_o may_v for_o he_o repent_v not_o of_o his_o intend_a kindness_n to_o i_o though_o i_o repent_v at_o my_o wait_v upon_o he_o for_o it_o and_o though_o i_o be_v full_a of_o change_n yet_o he_o change_v not_o but_o when_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o bring_v i_o back_o again_o to_o westminster_n and_o that_o in_o due_a time_n i_o be_v glad_a and_o begin_v to_o recover_v my_o spirit_n again_o o_o how_o be_v my_o heart_n fill_v as_o it_o be_v with_o this_o exceed_a appearance_n of_o the_o lord_n and_o in_o some_o measure_n enlarge_v that_o evening_n to_o bless_v his_o name_n who_o have_v so_o often_o appear_v and_o to_o all_o add_v the_o mercy_n of_o this_o day_n manifest_v self_n to_o be_v a_o god_n hear_v prayer_n but_o o_o that_o curse_a unbelief_n of_o my_o wicked_a heart_n that_o have_v have_v so_o much_o and_o so_o manifold_a appearance_n of_o god_n and_o of_o his_o goodness_n and_o shall_v yet_o trust_v he_o no_o more_o which_o also_o great_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o crucify_v my_o unbelief_n but_o i_o confess_v this_o be_v it_o that_o often_o give_v the_o turn_n and_o draw_v a_o cloud_n as_o it_o be_v before_o i_o even_o the_o mighty_a prevalence_n of_o corruption_n in_o my_o soul_n which_o make_v i_o often_o to_o cry_v out_o lord_n when_o shall_v i_o see_v this_o body_n of_o death_n and_o sin_n subdue_v and_o crucify_v and_o my_o soul_n full_o subject_v to_o thou_o this_o be_v the_o burden_n of_o my_o soul_n even_o then_o when_o the_o lord_n shine_v forth_o most_o clear_o upon_o my_o heart_n to_o think_v what_o a_o unsuitable_a frame_n of_o spirit_n be_v there_o in_o i_o to_o all_o those_o wonderful_a way_n of_o the_o lord_n towards_o i_o that_o by_o all_o the_o sight_n he_o give_v i_o of_o himself_o and_o his_o will_n i_o be_o no_o more_o change_v into_o his_o likeness_n the_o 15_o day_n of_o this_o twelve_o month_n at_o night_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v exceed_o to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o the_o root_n out_o of_o those_o corruption_n issue_v out_o of_o my_o heart_n to_o the_o creature_n and_o gather_v of_o it_o up_o into_o himself_o and_o order_v my_o affection_n and_o the_o like_a as_o also_o be_v great_o draw_v out_o to_o bless_v and_o praise_v he_o beseech_v he_o to_o enable_v i_o to_o it_o to_o bless_v he_o for_o his_o answer_n so_o often_o give_v i_o to_o the_o importunate_a desire_n and_o request_n of_o my_o soul_n when_o i_o have_v so_o often_o tempt_v he_o for_o it_o be_v not_o israel_n only_o that_o tempt_v he_o ten_o time_n but_o i_o have_v often_o tempt_v he_o so_o that_o he_o may_v have_v righteous_o give_v that_o i_o beg_v of_o he_o and_o a_o curse_n together_o with_o it_o but_o i_o do_v now_o great_o desire_v to_o bless_v he_o that_o hitherto_o he_o have_v deny_v i_o in_o it_o beseech_v he_o so_o to_o do_v still_o and_o subject_a my_o soul_n to_o he_o in_o all_o my_o way_n beg_v he_o earnest_o that_o he_o will_v once_o work_v my_o heart_n to_o such_o assurance_n that_o i_o may_v be_v careful_a in_o nothing_o and_o in_o nothing_o thoughtful_a for_o or_o studious_a about_o any_o thing_n here_o below_o and_o to_o give_v up_o myself_o whole_o to_o be_v at_o his_o dispose_n yea_o more_o than_o ever_o i_o have_v be_v to_o any_o bodily_a physician_n beseech_v he_o now_o that_o he_o will_v undertake_v to_o be_v my_o soul_n physician_n and_o to_o cure_v i_o of_o those_o soul-distemper_n in_o my_o affection_n and_o practice_n let_v the_o physic_n be_v what_o he_o will_v let_v it_o but_o be_v of_o his_o prescribe_v and_o to_o support_v my_o spirit_n under_o his_o hand_n and_o make_v it_o willing_a to_o submit_v to_o his_o will_n and_o then_o lord_n do_v with_o i_o what_o thou_o will_v and_o now_o father_n what_o be_v those_o request_n that_o thou_o will_v hear_v have_v thou_o not_o say_v what_o ever_o we_o ask_v in_o thy_o son_n name_n thou_o will_v hear_v why_o in_o thy_o son_n name_n i_o desire_v to_o come_v for_o i_o have_v nothing_o else_o to_o plead_v there_o be_v nothing_o in_o i_o but_o for_o thy_o son_n sake_n the_o son_n of_o thy_o bosom_n and_o love_n who_o die_v for_o poor_a sinner_n such_o as_o thy_o poor_a worm_n be_v for_o his_o sake_n and_o in_o his_o name_n i_o come_v unto_o thou_o and_o thou_o have_v say_v whatsoever_o we_o ask_v according_a to_o thy_o will_n thou_o will_v hear_v now_o lord_n be_v not_o this_o agreeable_a to_o thy_o will_n to_o be_v conform_v more_o to_o thou_o and_o have_v my_o will_n more_o subject_v to_o thou_o and_o my_o affection_n more_o place_v upon_o thou_o o_o then_o lord_n see_v thou_o say_v what_o we_o ask_v believe_v we_o shall_v have_v it_o lord_n increase_v my_o faith_n &_o help_v i_o to_o wait_v upon_o thou_o believe_o the_o eighteen_o of_o this_o twelve_o month_n have_v be_v these_o eight_o or_o nine_o day_n last_o pass_v somewhat_o distemper_v in_o body_n which_o distemper_n prevail_v more_o and_o
more_o upon_o i_o i_o think_v i_o shall_v hardly_o be_v able_a to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n in_o his_o administration_n the_o next_o day_n desire_v the_o lord_n to_o direct_v i_o what_o to_o do_v and_o submit_v my_o will_n to_o he_o yet_o very_o early_o that_o morning_n i_o have_v many_o reason_n in_o myself_o what_o to_o do_v be_v loath_a to_o distrust_v the_o power_n of_o god_n that_o i_o have_v so_o often_o find_v eminent_o hold_v out_o to_o i_o and_o yet_o unwilling_a to_o tempt_v the_o lord_n to_o appear_v to_o i_o in_o any_o extraordinary_a way_n desire_v much_o his_o direction_n at_o last_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o enable_v i_o to_o resolve_v to_o go_v notwithstanding_o i_o be_v exceed_v ill_o of_o a_o extraordinary_a cold_a beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n and_o as_o he_o be_v please_v to_o give_v i_o that_o probability_n of_o the_o enjoyment_n of_o he_o once_o more_o that_o it_o may_v be_v a_o bless_a opportunity_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o that_o his_o mighty_a power_n and_o spirit_n may_v accompany_v every_o word_n and_o hint_n to_o my_o soul_n that_o it_o may_v be_v of_o spiritual_a advantage_n to_o i_o such_o as_o i_o may_v have_v cause_n to_o bless_v his_o name_n for_o and_o also_o to_o mould_v i_o into_o whatever_o truth_n he_o shall_v reveal_v to_o i_o that_o day_n and_o true_o i_o desire_v to_o acknowledge_v that_o the_o nineteenth_o day_n of_o this_o twelve_o month_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v very_o glorious_o to_o appear_v through_o his_o word_n administer_v by_o our_o dear_a pastor_n both_o in_o the_o exposition_n of_o the_o end_n of_o the_o 14._o of_o matt._n as_o also_o in_o both_o sermon_n this_o day_n at_o which_o time_n he_o begin_v to_o discourse_v upon_o the_o 45_o psalm_n but_o do_v only_o handle_v the_o title_n of_o it_o this_o day_n from_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o hint_n out_o very_o precious_a glorious_a useful_a yea_o seasonable_a instruction_n to_o my_o soul_n which_o i_o desire_v earnest_o to_o beg_v of_o god_n to_o cast_v and_o mould_v my_o heart_n into_o yea_o such_o truth_n as_o prove_v a_o answer_n to_o several_a desire_n of_o my_o soul_n many_o day_n before_o and_o to_o the_o groan_n of_o my_o soul_n before_o the_o lord_n even_o continual_o almost_o to_o wit_n that_o the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o gather_v my_o heart_n out_o of_o all_o thing_n below_o jesus_n christ_n and_o give_v i_o to_o the_o end_n such_o a_o sight_n of_o my_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n as_o may_v indeed_o take_v my_o heart_n from_o all_o other_o thing_n now_o that_o at_o this_o time_n the_o lord_n shall_v thus_o seasonable_o cast_v his_o thought_n upon_o such_o a_o scripture_n as_o this_o it_o do_v cause_v my_o soul_n to_o admire_v the_o riches_n of_o his_o grace_n and_o condescension_n to_o such_o a_o worm_n yea_o whereas_o my_o spirit_n have_v of_o late_o be_v great_o trouble_v about_o my_o foolish_a conversation_n be_v not_o such_o as_o may_v any_o way_n adorn_v the_o gospel_n walk_v very_o unseemly_a in_o all_o my_o relation_n and_o very_o much_o offend_v therein_o with_o my_o tongue_n which_o have_v occasion_v many_o a_o sad_a thought_n upon_o my_o heart_n and_o many_o a_o sigh_n and_o groan_n yea_o tear_n before_o the_o lord_n to_o set_v a_o watch_n before_o my_o mouth_n and_o subdue_v this_o wicked_a iniquity_n in_o i_o and_o now_o do_v the_o lord_n this_o day_n lie_v open_a the_o spring_n the_o root_n the_o cause_n of_o it_o my_o eye_n be_v not_o as_o it_o ought_v upon_o my_o heart_n nor_o my_o heart_n as_o it_o ought_v to_o be_v upon_o jesus_n christ_n nor_o when_o it_o be_v upon_o he_o be_v it_o in_o a_o boil_a frame_n for_o as_o by_o he_o hint_v be_v the_o heart_n boil_v hot_a about_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n the_o tongue_n can_v not_o issue_v out_o such_o vanity_n as_o it_o do_v now_o dear_a lord_n let_v not_o these_o thing_n be_v spread_v before_o i_o in_o vain_a i_o beseech_v thou_o but_o do_v thou_o by_o the_o mighty_a power_n of_o thy_o spirit_n make_v they_o of_o singular_a use_n unto_o i_o the_o 11_o of_o this_o first_o month_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n very_o much_o among_o other_o thing_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o manifest_v himself_o in_o that_o relation_n of_o a_o husband_n to_o my_o soul_n more_o and_o more_o let_v i_o to_o find_v and_o feel_v what_o it_o be_v experimental_o to_o be_v embrace_v by_o he_o and_o gather_v up_o into_o more_o intimate_a communion_n with_o he_o and_o much_o more_o to_o this_o effect_n the_o next_o morning_n he_o cause_v my_o soul_n to_o breath_n out_o in_o this_o manner_n that_o though_o i_o be_v every_o way_n unfit_a for_o communion_n with_o he_o yet_o beseech_v he_o to_o appear_v to_o my_o soul_n and_o a_o sight_n of_o himself_o will_v much_o rejoice_v my_o heart_n tell_v he_o that_o as_o he_o have_v often_o appear_v glorious_o in_o this_o kind_n so_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o let_v my_o soul_n find_v once_o again_o by_o experience_n his_o mighty_a power_n to_o break_v out_o through_o what_o ever_o instrument_n he_o shall_v please_v to_o make_v use_n of_o this_o day_n that_o i_o may_v through_o they_o have_v a_o glorious_a sight_n of_o himself_o in_o which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o bow_v down_o appear_v gracious_o through_o mr._n price_n who_o speak_v to_o we_o in_o his_o name_n the_o 12._o day_n of_o this_o first_o month._n upon_o the_o 26._o day_n of_o this_o first_o month_n 1654._o we_o go_v to_o james_n expect_v to_o have_v hear_v mr._n cradock_n but_o when_o we_o come_v there_o we_o hear_v there_o will_v be_v a_o stranger_n at_o which_o i_o be_v much_o trouble_v in_o my_o spirit_n and_o after_o some_o debate_n in_o myself_o i_o begin_v to_o repine_v but_o expect_v the_o lord_n may_v have_v some_o seasonable_a word_n for_o i_o and_o true_o bless_v be_v his_o name_n there_o be_v many_o seasonable_a thing_n hint_v to_o my_o soul_n by_o he_o which_o both_o refresh_v &_o stay_v my_o spirit_n the_o next_o day_n at_o night_n be_v the_o 27_o of_o this_o first_o month_n among_o other_o thing_n when_o i_o be_v seek_v of_o the_o lord_n he_o draw_v out_o my_o soul_n with_o some_o measure_n of_o sensibleness_n of_o his_o hand_n upon_o our_o pastor_n what_o a_o sad_a stroke_n it_o will_v be_v if_o the_o lord_n shall_v strip_v we_o of_o he_o take_v he_o from_o we_o oh_o what_o will_v become_v of_o god_n glory_n how_o will_v his_o and_o our_o enemy_n insult_v over_o we_o though_o it_o be_v true_a we_o have_v deserve_v it_o i_o be_o sure_a i_o have_v to_o be_v strip_v of_o this_o mercy_n and_o scatter_v from_o each_o other_o because_o we_o have_v be_v no_o more_o fruitful_a under_o all_o the_o mercy_n mean_n and_o appearance_n of_o god_n through_o he_o and_o i_o beg_v to_o sanctify_v his_o hand_n upon_o he_o both_z as_o to_o he_o and_o we_o &_o teach_v we_o all_o to_o improve_v it_o and_o know_v his_o mind_n in_o it_o desire_v the_o lord_n withal_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o hasten_v and_o accomplish_v his_o work_n through_o this_o dispensation_n and_o in_o his_o own_o time_n to_o command_v health_n and_o deliverance_n to_o we_o and_o give_v in_o this_o mercy_n as_o a_o pledge_n of_o his_o love_n among_o we_o that_o he_o may_v come_v again_o among_o we_o fill_v with_o the_o spirit_n and_o ready_a to_o break_v out_o those_o discovery_n of_o god_n upon_o his_o heart_n and_o that_o we_o also_o may_v be_v fit_v for_o this_o mercy_n and_o make_v more_o ready_a to_o receive_v impression_n from_o god_n through_o he_o then_o former_o and_o for_o my_o own_o soul_n after_o many_o request_n for_o the_o subdue_a of_o corruption_n and_o regulate_v my_o affection_n and_o take_v off_o my_o heart_n from_o all_o thing_n here_o below_o and_o place_v it_o upon_o the_o lord_n jesus_n after_o which_o and_o many_o other_o request_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n with_o desire_n that_o if_o the_o lord_n see_v it_o meet_v to_o add_v another_o night_n or_o another_o day_n to_o i_o that_o he_o will_v together_o with_o it_o give_v i_o a_o heart_n to_o serve_v he_o in_o it_o and_o that_o as_o he_o renew_v the_o light_n and_o raise_v from_o sleep_n so_o that_o he_o will_v inlve_v my_o heart_n in_o his_o way_n and_o quicken_v up_o my_o soul_n to_o a_o more_o lively_a service_n of_o he_o and_o if_o the_o lord_n see_v it_o meet_v to_o give_v i_o one_o opportunity_n more_o to_o hear_v his_o word_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o fit_v i_o for_o it_o and_o to_o come_v in_o through_o whatsoever_o instrument_n he_o shall_v please_v that_o my_o soul_n may_v have_v such_o a_o bless_a sight_n of_o he_o
that_o i_o may_v thereby_o be_v change_v more_o into_o his_o own_o image_n the_o 2._o day_n of_o the_o 2._o month_n be_v this_o morning_n in_o some_o measure_n make_v sensible_a of_o my_o own_o deadness_n and_o dulness_n to_o the_o thing_n of_o god_n and_o barrenness_n and_o unprofitableness_n under_o all_o the_o mean_n of_o grace_n i_o apprehend_v it_o very_o righteous_a with_o the_o lord_n to_o deal_v with_o i_o according_a to_o my_o desert_n and_o not_o to_o manifest_v any_o thing_n to_o my_o soul_n yet_o press_v he_o much_o though_o i_o deserve_v the_o contrary_a yet_o for_o his_o own_o name_n sake_n and_o for_o my_o lord_n jesus_n sake_n to_o be_v please_v to_o appear_v to_o my_o poor_a soul_n and_o let_v i_o have_v some_o sight_n of_o himself_o tell_v he_o that_o he_o have_v glorious_o appear_v former_o to_o my_o soul_n and_o he_o be_v the_o same_o still_o and_o o_o that_o he_o will_v now_o break_v through_o and_o give_v i_o a_o sweet_a kiss_n from_o himself_o and_o how_o glorious_o do_v the_o lord_n this_o day_n condesend_v and_o bow_v down_o to_o the_o desire_n of_o his_o poor_a unworthy_a worm_n through_o that_o servant_n of_o his_o mr._n bramble_n by_o who_o and_o through_o who_o many_o seasonable_a truth_n be_v hint_v to_o my_o spirit_n both_o in_o way_n of_o further_a revive_n of_o my_o deadness_n and_o dulness_n and_o in_o way_n of_o comfort_n and_o direction_n for_o which_o o_o that_o i_o can_v indeed_o bless_v and_o praise_v the_o name_n of_o this_o my_o glorious_a god_n the_o three_o day_n of_o the_o second_o month._n have_v extreme_a desire_n to_o go_v and_o hear_v mr._n cradock_n the_o next_o day_n i_o tell_v my_o mother_n over_o night_n persuade_v she_o to_o it_o she_o have_v very_o urgent_a occasion_n but_o at_o last_o prevail_v i_o find_v myself_o very_o much_o distemper_v next_o morning_n with_o a_o great_a cold_a which_o i_o have_v get_v notwithstanding_o which_o i_o get_v up_o but_o before_o i_o be_v quite_o dress_v i_o have_v such_o a_o stitch_n take_v i_o in_o my_o back_n in_o such_o a_o extreme_a manner_n that_o i_o know_v not_o how_o to_o lean_v any_o way_n it_o be_v in_o such_o a_o extreme_a manner_n which_o hold_v i_o for_o the_o space_n of_o two_o hour_n continual_o almost_o until_o it_o be_v full_a time_n to_o go_v in_o all_o which_o time_n i_o reason_v still_o with_o myself_o what_o i_o shall_v do_v fear_v i_o shall_v not_o hold_v out_o that_o journey_n nor_o be_v able_a when_o i_o be_v there_o to_o sit_v to_o hear_v because_o of_o it_o yet_o at_o last_o have_v have_v such_o experience_n of_o god_n former_o i_o do_v desire_v now_o to_o rol_v upon_o he_o &_o betake_v i_o to_o some_o short_a desire_n to_o he_o beseech_v he_o if_o he_o see_v it_o good_a to_o give_v i_o so_o much_o inward_a and_o outward_a strength_n as_o might_n at_o this_o time_n enable_v i_o to_o honour_n and_o glorify_v he_o earnest_o beg_v his_o appearance_n to_o my_o soul_n quicken_a and_o raise_v it_o conform_v it_o more_o to_o himself_o with_o many_o other_o desire_v relate_v to_o my_o spiritual_a condition_n and_o how_o seasonable_o do_v the_o lord_n come_v in_o this_o day_n through_o mr._n cradock_n ministry_n both_o convey_n of_o counsel_n caution_n and_o comfort_n the_o comfort_n be_v from_o rom._n 8._o 32._o and_o for_o the_o stitch_n and_o pain_n in_o my_o back_n i_o bless_v the_o lord_n it_o go_v so_o away_o that_o i_o feel_v it_o not_o all_o that_o while_o i_o be_v abroad_o but_o do_v as_o it_o be_v quite_o forget_v that_o it_o trouble_v i_o that_o day_n so_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v to_o my_o body_n also_o many_o bless_a sight_n the_o lord_n give_v i_o also_o this_o day_n through_o that_o servant_n of_o he_o mrs._n blackborn_n who_o i_o meet_v at_o james_n hear_v mr._n cradock_n who_o come_v home_o with_o we_o and_o relate_v much_o to_o i_o how_o it_o be_v with_o mr._n cradock_n how_o sad_a his_o temptation_n be_v which_o come_v most_o seasonable_o to_o my_o consideration_n to_o take_v i_o off_o from_o rash_a thought_n i_o be_v ready_a to_o take_v up_o but_o the_o day_n before_o concern_v other_o still_o many_o other_o seasonable_a thing_n she_o hint_v to_o i_o of_o the_o fear_n that_o often_o be_v upon_o her_o spirit_n touch_v self-end_n fear_v that_o she_o may_v desire_v beg_v for_o and_o seek_v after_o good_a thing_n and_o yet_o all_o but_o out_o of_o self-end_n complain_v of_o the_o strife_n she_o find_v oftentimes_o between_o her_o judgement_n and_o affection_n yet_o be_v draw_v out_o to_o bless_v god_n for_o deny_v of_o she_o that_o which_o at_o the_o very_a present_a her_o affection_n run_v out_o after_o all_o which_o jealousy_n and_o fear_n lie_v sad_o upon_o my_o own_o spirit_n hear_v she_o that_o be_v such_o a_o ancient_a christian_a complain_v also_o of_o the_o same_o be_v to_o i_o a_o little_a refreshment_n some_o scatter_a meditation_n the_o second_o month._n 1654._o consider_v the_o vanity_n of_o all_o creature_n compare_v with_o the_o lord_n what_o be_v there_o in_o the_o creature_n desirable_a the_o best_a of_o man_n which_o be_v the_o best_a of_o creature_n be_v nothing_o else_o then_o vanity_n they_o be_v but_o a_o shadow_n compare_v with_o the_o substance_n nay_o they_o be_v but_o dark_a shadow_n now_o what_o wise_a creature_n be_v take_v much_o with_o a_o shadow_n what_o be_v there_o in_o creature_n the_o best_a of_o creature_n man_n himself_n that_o be_v desirable_a as_o for_o beauty_n that_o be_v vanity_n of_o vanity_n the_o rare_a thing_n in_o this_o vanity_n shall_v no_o way_n take_v upon_o a_o gracious_a spirit_n that_o be_v raise_v up_o to_o high_a thing_n but_o to_o go_v to_o the_o utmost_a height_n the_o best_a thing_n and_o most_o desirable_a in_o the_o best_a of_o man_n be_v their_o resemblance_n of_o or_o likeness_n unto_o the_o lord_n yet_o in_o this_o they_o be_v but_o like_a unto_o picture_n yea_o dark_a one_o now_o who_o will_v be_v much_o take_v with_o the_o picture_n that_o may_v at_o the_o same_o time_n enjoy_v the_o thing_n that_o be_v picture_v yet_o some_o picture_n make_v by_o the_o hand_n of_o man_n may_v in_o appearance_n far_o excel_v in_o beauty_n and_o loveliness_n the_o thing_n picture_v and_o herein_o the_o best_a of_o creature_n be_v but_o dark_a dead_a low_a resemblance_n yea_o very_a poor_a one_o of_o the_o eternal_a god_n picture_n be_v often_o desire_v because_o of_o the_o fade_a uncertain_a enjoyment_n of_o the_o thing_n picture_v which_o often_o time_n fade_v before_o the_o picture_n but_o what_o creature_n come_v near_o to_o the_o representation_n of_o god_n the_o picture_n quick_o fade_v and_o die_v but_o the_o substance_n be_v eternal_a who_o then_o will_v desire_v or_o be_v overmuch_o take_v with_o such_o a_o picture_n that_o perhaps_o seem_v fair_a to_o day_n but_o fade_v to_o morrow_n which_o be_v the_o condition_n of_o all_o finite_a creature_n but_o that_o infinite_a god_n be_v a_o everlasting_a father_n the_o lord_n jesus_n a_o everliving_a interceder_n and_o the_o spirit_n of_o truth_n a_o abide_a comforter_n yea_o in_o every_o relation_n wherein_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o manifest_v himself_o he_o be_v that_o to_o he_o to_o all_o eternity_n yea_o as_o picture_n be_v poor_a dead_a useless_a thing_n in_o comparison_n of_o the_o person_n they_o resemble_v only_o a_o delight_v the_o eye_n such_o be_v the_o very_o best_a of_o creature_n compare_v with_o the_o lord_n can_v they_o speak_v if_o he_o be_v silent_a can_v they_o effect_v aught_o if_o he_o withdraw_v can_v they_o smile_v if_o he_o frown_v can_v they_o refresh_v if_o he_o rebuke_v can_v they_o heal_v if_o he_o wound_v can_v they_o raise_v up_o if_o he_o cast_v down_o there_o be_v neither_o any_o life_n or_o motion_n in_o they_o separate_v from_o he_o they_o have_v eye_n but_o see_v not_o ear_n but_o hear_v not_o hands_z but_o act_n not_o foot_n but_o walk_v not_o tongue_n but_o speak_v not_o to_o any_o spiritual_a advantage_n unless_o he_o that_o be_v the_o life_n of_o their_o life_n put_v life_n into_o all_o these_o and_o when_o he_o have_v do_v act_n in_o through_z by_o and_o with_o they_o the_o ten_o day_n of_o the_o second_o month._n the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v to_o hint_n out_o to_o i_o by_o mr._n bramble_n the_o 9th_o of_o the_o second_o month_n 1654._o that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v oftentimes_o in_o mercy_n to_o appoint_v some_o wearisome_a night_n and_o day_n to_o his_o people_n wherein_o they_o can_v not_o take_v any_o rest_n that_o so_o they_o may_v call_v their_o own_o heart_n to_o a_o account_n serious_o before_o the_o lord_n and_o the_o like_a which_o i_o ponder_v upon_o and_o think_v with_o myself_o how_o eminent_a the_o lord_n have_v appear_v to_o my_o
about_o so_o much_o to_o change_v thy_o way_n to_o run_v from_o one_o thing_n in_o the_o world_n to_o another_o thou_o also_o shall_v be_v ashamed_a of_o egypt_n as_o thou_o be_v of_o assyria_n v._n 37._o thou_o shall_v go_v forth_o from_o he_o and_o thy_o hand_n upon_o thy_o head_n in_o a_o posture_n of_o lamentation_n for_o the_o lord_n have_v reject_v thy_o confidence_n thou_o shall_v not_o prosper_v in_o they_o the_o lord_n persuade_v thy_o heart_n full_o of_o these_o truth_n and_o work_v thy_o soul_n to_o a_o frame_n suitable_a thereunto_o the_o 18._o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n 1654._o this_o afternoon_n be_v somewhat_o burden_a at_o the_o wretched_a out-going_a of_o my_o wicked_a heart_n which_o be_v like_o a_o wild_a thing_n ready_a to_o break_v out_o upon_o every_o occasion_n even_o in_o read_v the_o scripture_n its_o self_n how_o sad_o do_v it_o take_v occasion_n to_o fly_v out_o the_o thought_n whereof_o very_o much_o oppress_v my_o spirit_n whilst_o i_o be_v seek_v the_o lord_n about_o it_o it_o be_v dart_v into_o i_o that_o the_o lord_n may_v be_v even_o now_o answer_v my_o own_o prayer_n and_o desire_n though_o the_o answer_n of_o they_o seem_v thus_o dreadful_a to_o i_o for_o oh_o how_o often_o have_v i_o former_o beg_v and_o desire_v of_o god_n that_o he_o will_v discover_v my_o own_o heart_n to_o i_o that_o he_o will_v anatomize_v it_o that_o i_o may_v see_v and_o know_v it_o even_o as_o he_o see_v and_o know_v it_o and_o the_o like_a and_o for_o aught_o i_o know_v this_o sad_a work_n up_o of_o corruption_n may_v even_o be_v to_o give_v i_o a_o sight_n of_o what_o filth_n there_o be_v within_o my_o heart_n yea_o may_v i_o not_o in_o some_o measure_n have_v provoke_v the_o lord_n to_o suffer_v and_o permit_v sin_n to_o work_n in_o i_o by_o so_o vehement_a desire_n oh_o good_a lord_n what_o need_v then_o have_v we_o poor_a creature_n to_o seek_v of_o thou_o to_o teach_v soul_n what_o and_o how_o to_o pray_v for_o true_o we_o know_v not_o what_o to_o pray_v nay_o when_o thou_o come_v in_o answer_n even_o to_o our_o own_o importunate_a desire_n how_o unable_a be_v we_o to_o bear_v the_o answer_n of_o our_o own_o prayer_n oh_o the_o wretchedness_n of_o my_o heart_n be_v it_o not_o pollute_v in_o all_o that_o ever_o it_o do_v and_o say_v be_v not self_o and_o some_o by_o and_o base_a end_n or_o other_o at_o the_o end_n of_o every_o thought_n word_n and_o action_n do_v there_o not_o still_o step_v in_o some_o thing_n of_o self_n yea_o too_o often_o something_o of_o sin_n yea_o when_o in_o company_n i_o speak_v best_a yea_o such_o thing_n as_o other_o seem_v to_o admire_v at_o such_o expression_n and_o experience_n but_o alas_o be_v there_o not_o much_o sin_n in_o it_o be_o i_o able_a to_o do_v to_o live_v or_o practice_v what_o i_o speak_v nay_o be_v there_o not_o most_v a_o end_v some_o base_a end_n either_o in_o the_o speak_n of_o it_o or_o that_o come_v in_o headlong_a after_o it_o oh_o curse_a frame_n of_o spirit_n the_o 20_o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n 1654._o have_v seek_v the_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v breathe_v in_o by_o his_o spirit_n upon_o my_o soul_n and_o give_v i_o some_o sight_n of_o himself_o some_o communion_n with_o he_o and_o some_o discovery_n from_o he_o this_o afternoon_n there_o be_v these_o hint_n fall_v upon_o my_o heart_n soon_o after_o that_o i_o have_v be_v very_o remiss_a in_o improve_n those_o precious_a &_o glorious_a appearance_n of_o god_n to_o my_o soul_n through_o our_o dear_a pastor_n that_o so_o near_o concern_v i_o from_o that_o 45._o psalm_n and_o that_o therefore_o the_o lord_n have_v just_o lay_v he_o aside_o for_o a_o time_n even_o while_o he_o be_v enter_v into_o it_o o_o bless_a lord_n have_v thou_o watch_v over_o i_o in_o the_o time_n of_o my_o childhood_n vanity_n unregeneracie_n when_o i_o know_v not_o my_o right_a hand_n from_o my_o left_a &_o have_v thou_o be_v with_o i_o ever_o since_o to_o this_o day_n and_o shall_v i_o now_o distrust_v thou_o or_o fear_v that_o thou_o shall_v now_o leave_v i_o to_o myself_o o_o curse_a unbelief_n have_v thou_o watch_v over_o i_o these_o six_o and_o twenty_o year_n and_o suffer_v no_o evil_a to_o overtake_v i_o but_o make_v all_o thing_n to_o work_v together_o for_o my_o good_a and_o shall_v i_o now_o fear_v and_o mistrust_v thy_o love_n have_v thou_o provide_v for_o i_o to_o this_o day_n that_o no_o good_a have_v be_v want_v to_o i_o and_o shall_v i_o now_o distrust_v thou_o or_o think_v thou_o will_v withhold_v any_o thing_n thou_o see_v good_a for_o i_o nay_o have_v thou_o not_o withheld_a i_o from_o evil_n that_o will_v have_v hurt_v i_o and_o must_v i_o now_o murmur_n repine_v and_o cry_v out_o of_o thy_o want_n of_o love_n to_o i_o and_o that_o thou_o shall_v bear_v all_o this_o and_o go_v on_o further_o to_o make_v out_o thy_o love_n to_o i_o and_o shall_v i_o yet_o distrust_v thou_o have_v thou_o overcome_v death_n and_o hell_n for_o i_o that_o i_o be_o not_o now_o in_o that_o slavish_a fear_n of_o they_o as_o former_o i_o have_v be_v and_o shall_v i_o still_o fear_v that_o thou_o will_v not_o overcome_v my_o corruption_n for_o i_o o_o curse_a unbelief_n the_o 23._o day_n of_o the_o second_o month_n 1654._o in_o the_o morning_n be_v much_o discourage_v in_o reference_n to_o any_o hope_n of_o god_n appearance_n have_v hear_v but_o slender_a commendation_n of_o he_o that_o be_v to_o speak_v this_o day_n yet_o be_v desirous_a to_o look_v up_o to_o the_o lord_n i_o beseech_v he_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v my_o soul_n some_o sight_n of_o himself_o and_o communion_n with_o he_o and_o that_o as_o i_o have_v former_a experience_n from_o he_o that_o the_o instrument_n be_v nothing_o if_o he_o will_v please_v to_o undertake_v the_o work_n &_o therefore_o i_o beseech_v he_o that_o his_o power_n may_v so_o appear_v that_o my_o soul_n may_v have_v a_o sight_n of_o he_o and_o there_o may_v be_v some_o seasonable_a word_n speak_v that_o may_v do_v my_o soul_n good_a and_o true_o i_o must_v needs_o acknowledge_v the_o lord_n be_v please_v gracious_o to_o bow_v down_o and_o manifest_v his_o presence_n exceed_o beyond_o my_o expectation_n this_o day_n the_o four_o day_n of_o this_o three_o month_n 1654._o be_v to_o take_v a_o portion_n of_o physic_n i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n that_o it_o may_v accomplish_v his_o will_n and_o pleasure_n upon_o i_o and_o if_o that_o lie_v in_o health_n that_o it_o may_v be_v sanctify_v to_o i_o if_o in_o sickness_n that_o my_o will_n may_v be_v bow_v and_o submit_v to_o his_o will_n the_o 7._o day_n of_o this_o three_o month_n at_o night_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o myheart_a to_o beg_v of_o he_o among_o other_o request_n that_o he_o will_v pardon_v all_o my_o misspend_a time_n and_o help_v i_o to_o improve_v what_o ever_o time_n he_o shall_v see_v meet_a to_o give_v i_o more_o to_o his_o praise_n and_o glory_n and_o to_o that_o end_n if_o he_o shall_v see_v meet_a to_o give_v i_o to_o enjoy_v another_o day_n and_o see_v the_o beginning_n of_o a_o new_a week_n that_o he_o will_v also_o give_v i_o a_o new_a heart_n and_o a_o new_a spirit_n and_o help_v i_o to_o walk_v more_o to_o his_o praise_n improve_n time_n better_o than_o former_o the_o next_o morning_n be_v the_o 8._o of_o this_o three_o month_n i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o presence_n that_o day_n notwithstanding_o all_o my_o unprofitableness_n and_o unworthiness_n of_o it_o with_o much_o to_o that_o effect_n and_o true_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o bow_v down_o and_o speak_v many_o sweet_a and_o seasonable_a thing_n to_o my_o soul_n both_o through_o that_o servant_n of_o his_o mr_n bradshaw_n that_o preach_v that_o day_n at_o fulham_n as_o also_o by_o his_o spirit_n through_o some_o scripture_n then_o hint_v unto_o we_o which_o cause_v my_o soul_n that_o night_n to_o breath_n out_o before_o the_o lord_n desire_v to_o bless_v he_o for_o it_o yet_o lament_v my_o unprofitableness_n under_o such_o glorious_a appearance_n of_o he_o and_o mis-improvement_n of_o they_o lament_v also_o the_o great_a iniquity_n of_o my_o tongue_n beseech_v the_o lord_n now_o to_o set_v a_o watch_n before_o my_o mouth_n and_o to_o keep_v the_o door_n of_o my_o lip_n as_o also_o my_o heart_n the_o 13._o of_o this_o three_o month_n in_o the_o morning_n as_o i_o be_v go_v down_o i_o have_v a_o strong_a repulse_n upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o speak_v a_o few_o word_n unto_o the_o lord_n before_o i_o go_v down_o at_o which_o time_n my_o heart_n be_v great_o draw_v out_o to_o speak_v to_o god_n to_o curse_v and_o blast_v and_o root_v
nature_n but_o yet_o notwithstanding_o my_o heart_n be_v somewhat_o i_o think_v affect_v with_o those_o desire_n before_o the_o lord_n yet_o oh_o with_o what_o sadness_n i_o may_v speak_v it_o how_o soon_o be_v they_o out_o of_o mind_n even_o before_o i_o get_v to_o tulham_n in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o quite_o forget_v my_o own_o desire_n and_o not_o at_o all_o look_v after_o any_o answer_n of_o they_o but_o how_o do_v the_o lord_n raise_v and_o rouse_v up_o my_o dead_a heart_n even_o upon_o the_o name_a of_o the_o psalm_n that_o be_v call_v to_o be_v sing_v in_o the_o morning_n which_o be_v the_o 145._o psalm_n which_o at_o the_o first_o name_a of_o my_o heart_n leap_v as_o it_o be_v think_v what_o shall_v we_o sing_v that_o psalm_n mr_n knight_n text_n be_v in_o though_o for_o the_o present_a i_o mistake_v for_o his_o text_n be_v in_o the_o 45_o psalm_n but_o this_o be_v the_o 145._o psalm_n &_o the_o two_o last_o staff_n which_o as_o soon_o as_o we_o begin_v to_o sing_v my_o heart_n be_v exceed_o alter_v with_o it_o in_o which_o i_o find_v many_o suitable_a expression_n to_o my_o former_a desire_n even_o in_o the_o very_a word_n which_o do_v as_o it_o be_v raise_v my_o heart_n in_o a_o kind_n of_o content_a expectation_n of_o a_o glorius_fw-la appearance_n of_o god_n that_o day_n as_o a_o return_n of_o prayer_n which_o methinks_v the_o lord_n do_v even_o then_o give_v to_o i_o by_o hint_v this_o scripture_n so_o put_v to_o my_o condition_n and_o desire_n and_o how_o glorious_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v the_o 27._o of_o this_o 6._o month_n through_o his_o servant_n mr_n knight_n in_o both_o part_n of_o the_o day_n who_o he_o be_v please_v to_o come_v in_o even_o beyond_o his_o own_o expectation_n as_o he_o acknowledge_v to_o i_o in_o discourse_n the_o next_o day_n tell_v i_o that_o he_o do_v only_o intend_v to_o handle_v in_o general_a the_o 3_o thing_n concern_v christ_n as_o his_o sweetness_n fitness_n &_o faithfulness_n but_o when_o he_o come_v to_o speak_v to_o they_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v so_o great_o to_o enlarge_v the_o thought_n of_o it_o upon_o his_o heart_n and_o make_v it_o so_o sweet_a unto_o he_o that_o he_o can_v not_o but_o declare_v what_o the_o lord_n give_v in_o unto_o he_o and_o true_o not_o only_a be_v it_o sweet_a to_o he_o but_o as_o fit_v and_o seasonabe_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n as_o any_o thing_n that_o can_v have_v be_v speak_v the_o lord_n give_v i_o but_o a_o heart_n to_o make_v improvement_n of_o it_o so_o as_o may_v be_v to_o his_o praise_n and_o eternal_a good_a of_o my_o poor_a soul_n the_o 7_o day_n of_o the_o month_n how_o abundant_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o bow_v down_o to_o this_o rebellious_a wretch_n who_o have_v great_a cause_n to_o fear_v that_o my_o heart_n be_v set_v more_o to_o seek_v &_o see_v a_o poor_a vain_a creature_n &_o to_o meet_v which_o the_o they_o then_o to_o see_v or_o meet_v the_o lord_n &_o yet_o that_o the_o lord_n shall_v even_o now_o bow_v down_o and_o give_v forth_o gracious_a visit_n to_o my_o soul_n through_o many_o sensible_a conviction_n hint_v to_o my_o heart_n this_o day_n both_o through_o his_o word_n and_o through_o his_o other_o administration_n this_o day_n go_v early_o enough_o to_o hear_v the_o morning_n sermon_n though_o i_o much_o fear_n whether_o it_o be_v so_o much_o out_o of_o pure_a love_n to_o it_o as_o out_o of_o self-end_n yet_o what_o sensible_a conviction_n do_v there_o from_o the_o lord_n fall_v upon_o my_o hart_n from_o these_o instruction_n m._n blond_n hint_v out_o to_o we_o from_o the_o expression_n of_o david_n i_o keep_v myself_o from_o my_o iniquity_n where_o he_o show_v we_o that_o it_o be_v our_o great_a duty_n to_o watch_v chief_o against_o our_o own_o particular_a sin_n show_v we_o how_o we_o may_v know_v they_o hint_v also_o that_o it_o be_v probable_a that_o this_o sin_n of_o david_n be_v tongue-sin_n from_o which_o how_o secret_o do_v the_o lord_n check_v my_o poor_a soul_n afterward_o mr_n nie_n speak_v from_o psalm_n the_o 50._o 26_o this_o thou_o do_v and_o i_o keep_v silence_n where_o he_o show_v that_o by_o silence_n be_v mean_v a_o refrain_v from_o motion_n or_o action_n whence_o he_o observe_v that_o word_n and_o action_n be_v all_o one_o with_o god_n it_o be_v as_o easy_a with_o god_n to_o do_v as_o to_o speak_v it_o be_v but_o for_o he_o to_o speak_v and_o the_o work_n be_v do_v yea_o it_o be_v as_o easy_a for_o god_n to_o do_v as_o for_o we_o to_o speak_v and_o beg_v of_o he_o and_o much_o more_o and_o what_o a_o mighty_a encouragement_n be_v this_o to_o thy_o faith_n o_o my_o soul_n which_o be_v the_o improvement_n he_o make_v of_o it_o by_o application_n and_o also_o hint_v more_o that_o as_o all_o god_n word_n be_v action_n and_o so_o pardon_v action_n and_o administration_n be_v as_o so_o many_o word_n and_o oh_o of_o what_o use_n be_v this_o to_o my_o soul_n what_o thing_n have_v god_n speak_v to_o my_o soul_n from_o and_o by_o his_o various_a administration_n to_o thou_o for_o these_o many_o year_n how_o have_v the_o lord_n by_o his_o providence_n often_o as_o it_o be_v convince_v thou_o and_o yet_o thy_o base_a heart_n will_v not_o leave_v to_o go_v on_o to_o tempt_v the_o lord_n though_o he_o have_v so_o evident_o appear_v in_o cross_v thou_o and_o this_o day_n be_v a_o sign_n of_o it_o that_o thou_o will_v put_v on_o thy_o best_a clothes_n in_o that_o pride_n and_o vanity_n of_o thy_o heart_n thou_o know_v do_v thou_o not_o by_o a_o strange_a providence_n as_o it_o be_v get_v a_o spot_n in_o thy_o coat_n to_o check_v thou_o and_o do_v not_o the_o lord_n by_o it_o show_v thou_o thy_o pride_n vanity_n and_o folly_n but_o oh_o how_o gracious_a be_v the_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o show_v thou_o this_o in_o so_o mild_a and_o gentle_a a_o way_n the_o 10._o of_o this_o 7_o month_n be_v the_o lord_n day_n i_o seek_v the_o lord_n in_o the_o morning_n but_o in_o a_o formal_a way_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o appear_v to_o i_o that_o day_n through_o his_o servant_n as_o also_o to_o give_v in_o a_o gracious_a answer_n to_o these_o desire_n that_o mr._n knight_n put_v up_o to_o he_o the_o last_o day_n namely_o to_o unveil_v the_o grace_n of_o our_o lord_n jesus_n to_o he_o that_o he_o may_v so_o taste_v and_o feel_v it_o as_o may_v enable_v he_o to_o declare_v it_o to_o his_o praise_n which_o i_o do_v now_o also_o beg_v of_o the_o lord_n and_o that_o though_o i_o be_v altogether_o unworthy_a of_o this_o mercy_n or_o of_o any_o more_o appearance_n from_o the_o lord_n which_o have_v make_v so_o little_a improvement_n of_o so_o many_o gracious_a favour_n yet_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o overcome_v my_o rebellion_n and_o unfruitfulness_n with_o his_o love_n and_o at_o the_o last_o overpower_v my_o soul_n anâ—_n bring_v it_o to_o a_o more_o full_a subjection_n to_o himself_o and_o that_o which_o i_o desire_v now_o to_o record_v to_o the_o praise_n of_o the_o lord_n be_v before_o he_o and_o that_o yet_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v most_o particulary_a to_o unveil_v the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n in_o the_o riches_n of_o his_o grace_n the_o lord_n help_v thou_o o_o my_o soul_n to_o improve_v all_o those_o wondefull_a appearance_n of_o his_o praise_n and_o glory_n the_o 13._o of_o this_o 7_o month_n appoint_v by_o this_o new_a parliament_n for_o a_o day_n of_o humiliation_n and_o seek_v the_o lord_n i_o seek_v the_o lord_n in_o the_o morning_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o put_v my_o heart_n into_o some_o measure_n of_o suteableness_n to_o that_o business_n and_o to_o make_v i_o real_o sensible_a of_o all_o my_o rebellion_n unfruitfulness_n and_o unthankfulness_n to_o he_o for_o all_o his_o glorious_a appearance_n and_o that_o he_o will_v pour_v out_o his_o spirit_n upon_o his_o servant_n that_o be_v to_o be_v his_o and_o our_o mouth_n this_o day_n as_o also_o beg_v the_o lord_n to_o let_v some_o hint_n from_o himself_o fall_v with_o power_n upon_o my_o heart_n this_o day_n and_o there_o abide_v and_o bless_a god_n how_o gracious_o be_v thou_o please_v to_o appear_v and_o with_o what_o sensible_a and_o suitable_a truth_n press_v my_o soul_n to_o get_v into_o christ_n and_o dwell_v there_o than_o which_o there_o be_v no_o truth_n more_o needful_a to_o be_v press_v upon_o my_o wretched_a heart_n be_v so_o miserable_o shatter_v about_o and_o upon_o other_o thing_n and_o my_o affection_n so_o sad_o divide_v that_o in_o truth_n i_o do_v not_o dwell_v in_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n as_o i_o ought_v which_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v in_o great_a mercy_n to_o my_o soul_n to_o
press_v very_o much_o upon_o i_o this_o day_n which_o bless_a counsel_n my_o desire_n and_o prayer_n be_v that_o the_o lord_n will_v frame_v and_o mould_v i_o into_o gather_v up_o my_o soul_n more_o into_o jesus_n christ_n and_o out_o of_o all_o other_o thing_n whatsoever_o the_o 24._o of_o this_o 7_o month_n be_v the_o lord_n day_n i_o be_v in_o expectation_n to_o have_v hear_v mr._n knight_n but_o when_o i_o come_v to_o fulham_n there_o be_v a_o stranger_n and_o when_o i_o hear_v he_o to_o pray_v so_o strange_o i_o be_v strike_v with_o a_o exceed_a damp_n wish_v myself_o somewhere_o else_o yet_o desire_v to_o still_o my_o spirit_n and_o to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n who_o be_v able_a to_o hint_n out_o somewhat_o that_o may_v be_v of_o advantage_n to_o i_o he_o speak_v from_o joh_n 5._o 25._o in_o which_o he_o show_v we_o that_o man_n may_v be_v alive_a natural_o and_o yet_o dead_a spiritual_o and_o so_o press_v we_o to_o the_o trial_n of_o our_o estate_n which_o i_o think_v may_v be_v a_o call_n from_o god_n to_o check_v i_o for_o my_o neglect_n in_o this_o work_n and_o to_o put_v i_o upon_o that_o duty_n he_o tell_v we_o that_o god_n be_v the_o life_n of_o the_o soul_n as_o the_o soul_n be_v the_o life_n of_o the_o body_n and_o when_o god_n be_v depart_v from_o the_o soul_n it_o be_v dead_a and_o that_o which_o make_v god_n depart_v be_v sin_n prove_v from_o isa_n 59_o 2._o in_o which_o scripture_n i_o think_v the_o lord_n do_v secret_o hint_n to_o my_o soul_n that_o my_o sin_n be_v the_o cause_n of_o all_o the_o withdrawing_n of_o the_o light_n of_o his_o face_n and_o manifestation_n of_o his_o gracious_a presence_n from_o i_o and_o of_o his_o seem_n not_o to_o hear_v the_o desire_n and_o prayer_n offer_v up_o to_o he_o which_o discovery_n i_o look_v upon_o as_o a_o answer_n of_o my_o desire_n and_o prayer_n that_o day_n and_o as_o a_o appearance_n of_o he_o through_o his_o instruction_n this_o day_n the_o 25._o of_o this_o 7._o month_n the_o lord_n in_o the_o morning_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o be_v present_a that_o day_n be_v to_o go_v to_o my_o aunt_n dogget_n to_o guide_v and_o direct_v i_o in_o all_o my_o word_n and_o action_n be_v some_o what_o distract_v and_o disturb_v in_o my_o own_o thought_n and_o mind_n and_o not_o so_o content_o submit_v to_o all_o the_o providence_n of_o god_n as_o i_o ought_v to_o do_v and_o after_o some_o discourse_n and_o hot_a dispute_n at_o dinner_n between_o mr._n aldgate_n and_o myself_o at_o which_o time_n i_o deal_v plain_o with_o he_o according_a to_o my_o poor_a measure_n after_o which_o mrs._n aldgate_n very_o unexpected_o from_o i_o and_o unusual_o from_o she_o be_v very_o earnest_a to_o have_v i_o go_v and_o read_v in_o a_o little_a book_n of_o she_o concern_v content_a marvel_v in_o my_o mind_n at_o this_o strange_a and_o unusual_a thing_n in_o she_o look_v upon_o it_o as_o some_o providence_n happy_o to_o i_o who_o have_v see_v the_o 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poor_a scatter_a desire_n and_o vouchsafe_v my_o soul_n a_o most_o fit_a and_o seasonable_a word_n this_o day_n by_o that_o our_o brother_n who_o speak_v from_o matth._n 6._o take_v no_o thought_n what_o you_o shall_v eat_v or_o drink_v or_o wherewith_o you_o shall_v be_v clothe_v whence_o he_o show_v the_o lord_n jesus_n do_v great_o forbid_v all_o cark_n care_n or_o solicitude_n of_o spirit_n about_o present_a enjoyment_n or_o future_a event_n together_o with_o many_o other_o seasonable_a instruction_n reprehension_n and_o direction_n to_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n and_o rest_n on_o he_o and_o cast_v all_o our_o burden_n on_o he_o and_o the_o like_a most_o seasonable_a thing_n to_o my_o wretched_a spirit_n the_o 28._o of_o this_o 7._o month_n be_v thursday_n and_o mr._n knight_n day_n to_o preach_v at_o the_o abbey_n i_o have_v strong_a desire_n to_o hear_v he_o and_o yet_o somewhat_o discourage_v from_o some_o passage_n of_o providence_n fear_v whether_o or_o no_o i_o go_v out_o of_o desire_n only_o to_o hear_v which_o lie_v somewhat_o heavy_a upon_o i_o and_o great_o oppress_v my_o spirit_n cause_v it_o to_o breath_n out_o to_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o manner_n that_o if_o he_o do_v see_v my_o heart_n not_o to_o be_v set_v aright_o to_o seek_v he_o and_o he_o only_o in_o this_o undertake_n that_o he_o will_v please_v some_o way_n or_o other_o to_o hinder_v i_o or_o cause_v some_o special_a providence_n or_o other_o to_o instruct_v i_o and_o keep_v i_o from_o rush_v on_o this_o undertake_n on_o any_o self-end_n or_o design_n whatever_o beseech_v he_o to_o guide_v i_o lead_v and_o instruct_v i_o this_o day_n and_o vouchsafe_v his_o glorious_a presence_n with_o my_o soul_n and_o the_o pour_v out_o of_o his_o spirit_n upon_o his_o servant_n that_o be_v to_o speak_v to_o we_o and_o true_o i_o desire_v to_o acknowledge_v to_o the_o praise_n of_o god_n that_o he_o be_v please_v much_o to_o deaden_v my_o heart_n to_o the_o creature_n before_o i_o go_v out_o and_o to_o put_v it_o into_o a_o frame_n desirous_a to_o wait_v for_o any_o discovery_n from_o he_o when_o he_o please_v expect_v all_o the_o way_n as_o we_o go_v whether_o the_o lord_n will_v please_v to_o suffer_v we_o to_o go_v through_o yea_o or_o nay_o desire_v not_o to_o murmur_v at_o he_o in_o it_o but_o to_o submit_v quiet_o to_o his_o will_n in_o what_o manner_n soever_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o reveal_v it_o but_o be_v not_o by_o any_o providence_n prevent_v in_o the_o way_n we_o go_v where_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v great_o to_o draw_v out_o master_n knight_n heart_n in_o prayer_n in_o such_o suitable_a thing_n as_o if_o the_o lord_n from_o heaven_n shall_v say_v i_o know_v thy_o want_n and_o weakness_n and_o will_v supply_v they_o providence_n cast_v he_o upon_o the_o same_o thought_n speak_v in_o the_o five_o chapter_n of_o john_n and_o the_o five_o and_o twenty_o verse_n the_o lord_n again_o by_o it_o check_v i_o for_o my_o neglect_n of_o examination_n of_o my_o spiritual_a life_n the_o end_n of_o the_o second_o book_n the_o three_o book_n of_o experience_n which_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v my_o soul_n of_o the_o gracious_a answer_n and_o return_n of_o prayer_n etc._n etc._n these_o record_n i_o desire_v to_o leave_v of_o god_n appearance_n to_o my_o soul_n from_o time_n to_o time_n which_o i_o trust_v if_o my_o wicked_a heart_n deceive_v i_o not_o be_v do_v upon_o this_o account_n that_o wherein_o i_o have_v fail_v in_o my_o life-time_n in_o declare_v how_o good_a the_o lord_n have_v be_v to_o such_o a_o wretch_n as_o i_o be_o i_o may_v yet_o leave_v a_o good_a report_n
those_o that_o be_v his_o subject_n from_o whence_o we_o be_v far_o exhort_v to_o look_v out_o what_o it_o be_v that_o we_o have_v that_o be_v everlasting_a tell_v we_o that_o wife_n and_o child_n and_o estate_n and_o the_o like_a they_o be_v not_o everlasting_a they_o and_o you_o must_v part_v oh_o therefore_o do_v not_o reckon_v these_o everlasting_a but_o if_o you_o have_v a_o christ_n or_o grace_n etc._n etc._n that_o shall_v be_v everlasting_a if_o god_n have_v begin_v any_o good_a work_n in_o your_o soul_n that_o shall_v be_v everlasting_a your_o infirmity_n weakness_n corruption_n they_o be_v not_o everlasting_a they_o shall_v die_v and_o wither_v and_o satan_n shall_v short_o be_v tread_v under_o your_o foot_n though_o satan_n and_o sin_n have_v domineer_v and_o make_v a_o stir_n in_o thy_o soul_n yet_o it_o shall_v not_o reign_v for_o ever_o there_o but_o grace_n shall_v reign_v by_o righteousness_n to_o eternal_a life_n therefore_o though_o your_o pain_n be_v great_a trouble_v sore_o temptation_n many_o yet_o know_v they_o be_v not_o everlasting_a and_o this_o may_v much_o comfort_v the_o saint_n yea_o if_o christ_n reign_v this_o may_v comfort_v the_o saint_n that_o their_o affliction_n shall_v pass_v only_o from_o christ_n not_o from_o the_o son_n of_o man_n not_o from_o the_o world_n nor_o satan_n nor_o the_o law_n without_o he_o no_o nor_o the_o restless_a motion_n of_o your_o heart_n that_o often_o misgive_v and_o terrify_v you_o your_o judgement_n shall_v pass_v from_o christ_n who_o throne_n be_v for_o ever_o and_o ever_o o_o my_o soul_n how_o abundant_o have_v the_o lord_n bow_v down_o to_o refresh_v as_o well_o as_o convince_v thou_o this_o day_n the_o lord_n grant_v it_o may_v abide_v upon_o thy_o spirit_n and_o help_v thou_o to_o live_v continual_o to_o his_o praise_n the_o 29._o of_o this_o 9_o month_n i_o seek_v the_o lord_n to_o appear_v to_o my_o poor_a soul_n and_o speak_v some_o seasonable_a word_n that_o may_v be_v for_o my_o spiritual_a advantage_n and_o true_o though_o i_o be_v disappoint_v of_o he_o that_o i_o expect_v to_o hear_v yet_o do_v the_o lord_n by_o our_o btother_n lemall_a hand_n out_o a_o most_o seasonable_a word_n to_o my_o soul_n which_o i_o desire_v may_v abide_v which_o be_v not_o to_o quench_v the_o spirit_n which_o the_o lord_n do_v real_o convince_v i_o that_o i_o have_v often_o do_v even_o of_o late_a which_o i_o desire_v the_o lord_n will_v help_v i_o against_o and_o make_v this_o a_o bless_a word_n to_o the_o end_n unto_o my_o soul_n the_o 30._o day_n of_o this_o 9_o month_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n that_o morning_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o prepare_v my_o heart_n to_o meet_v with_o he_o and_o to_o manifest_v his_o presence_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n through_o his_o word_n that_o it_o may_v be_v a_o bless_a season_n wherein_o my_o soul_n may_v enjoy_v communion_n with_o himself_o and_o that_o to_o that_o end_n he_o will_v please_v to_o remove_v out_o of_o my_o soul_n whatever_o may_v make_v i_o unfit_a to_o meet_v with_o he_o desire_v much_o in_o my_o heart_n and_o endeavour_v to_o express_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n that_o my_o heart_n may_v once_o be_v gather_v out_o from_o all_o thing_n here_o below_o and_o fix_v only_o upon_o himself_o and_o jesus_n christ_n and_o that_o there_o may_v be_v something_o add_v to_o this_o work_n this_o day_n and_o o_o my_o soul_n how_o glorious_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v both_o for_o thy_o conviction_n and_o comfort_n in_o send_v his_o messenger_n as_o if_o it_o be_v on_o purpose_n with_o a_o errand_n from_o heaven_n to_o my_o soul_n it_o be_v a_o strange_a that_o preach_v this_o day_n and_o the_o subject_a he_o be_v upon_o be_v the_o loveliness_n of_o jesus_n christ_n canticle_n 5._o 16._o he_o be_v altogether_o lovely_a whence_o he_o full_o clear_v that_o there_o be_v nothing_o below_o christ_n that_o can_v be_v lovely_a or_o desirable_a and_o whatsoever_o can_v be_v desire_v it_o be_v abundant_o in_o he_o from_o whence_o the_o lord_n do_v real_o convince_v i_o of_o my_o folly_n in_o suffer_v of_o my_o affection_n to_o run_v out_o so_o strong_o on_o such_o vain_a object_n and_o so_o little_a on_o my_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n and_o in_o the_o close_a speak_v by_o way_n of_o comfort_n he_o have_v this_o passage_n that_o when_o ever_o any_o poor_a soul_n do_v come_v into_o the_o presence_n of_o the_o lord_n in_o prayer_n or_o hear_v or_o any_o ordinance_n with_o a_o desire_n to_o have_v such_o a_o corruption_n mortify_v though_o for_o end_n best_a know_v to_o the_o lord_n he_o may_v for_o the_o present_a suffer_v it_o in_o he_o yet_o will_v he_o record_v it_o in_o heaven_n as_o if_o it_o have_v be_v mortify_v for_o say_v he_o it_o be_v in_o the_o desire_n of_o that_o poor_a soul_n and_o though_o i_o suffer_v it_o yet_o i_o look_v upon_o it_o as_o if_o the_o soul_n have_v mortify_v it_o real_o and_o so_o for_o all_o other_o gracious_a desire_n the_o lord_n look_v upon_o they_o as_o he_o and_z as_o do_v though_o never_o attain_v as_o he_o do_v abraham_n offering_n up_o his_o son_n isaac_n and_o therefore_o he_o leave_v it_o upon_o record_n to_o posterity_n that_o he_o do_v offer_v he_o up_o though_o yet_o he_o do_v not_o do_v it_o because_o it_o be_v in_o his_o heart_n and_o intent_n to_o do_v it_o have_v not_o the_o lord_n prevent_v which_o together_o with_o many_o other_o precious_a hint_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o leave_v with_o i_o this_o day_n which_o i_o beseech_v he_o to_o bless_v i_o and_o make_v i_o to_o improve_v they_o to_o his_o praise_n and_o glory_n the_o second_o day_n of_o this_o 10._o month_n i_o seek_v the_o lord_n that_o he_o will_v be_v please_v if_o he_o see_v meet_v to_o add_v one_o other_o day_n to_o i_o to_o vouchsafe_v his_o face_n and_o presence_n to_o i_o and_o give_v my_o soul_n some_o sight_n of_o he_o and_o prepare_v my_o heart_n to_o meet_v with_o he_o empty_v out_o of_o it_o what_o ever_o may_v unfit_a i_o to_o come_v before_o he_o after_o which_o there_o fall_v a_o great_a damp_n upon_o my_o spirit_n consider_v that_o i_o have_v only_o in_o a_o formality_n seek_v this_o of_o he_o but_o can_v not_o expect_v that_o he_o shall_v continue_v always_o so_o gracious_o to_o a_o poor_a soul_n as_o i_o have_v beg_v of_o he_o be_v such_o a_o unworthy_a unfruitful_a creature_n that_o do_v so_o little_o improve_v all_o his_o appearance_n but_o o_o my_o soul_n how_o glorious_o do_v the_o lord_n break_v through_o all_o thy_o unbelief_n and_o go_v beyond_o all_o thy_o expectation_n in_o provide_v a_o most_o bless_a glorious_a and_o seasonable_a word_n for_o thy_o soul_n answer_v the_o desire_n of_o thy_o heart_n also_o on_o the_o behalf_n of_o his_o servant_n that_o be_v to_o speak_v in_o his_o name_n this_o day_n shine_a forth_o glorious_o in_o and_o through_o he_o insomuch_o that_o himself_o do_v bless_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o appearance_n that_o day_n for_o which_o bless_v the_o lord_n o_o my_o soul_n and_o oh_o that_o all_o that_o be_v within_o i_o can_v bless_v his_o holy_a name_n oh_o the_o sensible_a truth_n that_o be_v hint_v to_o my_o soul_n this_o day_n which_o i_o desire_v of_o the_o lord_n i_o may_v never_o forget_v which_o be_v hint_v from_o psal_n 45._o 7._o from_o which_o our_o pastor_n sweet_o open_v the_o love_n of_o christ_n to_o righteousness_n which_o love_n he_o show_v we_o be_v that_o that_o make_v he_o lovely_a to_o god_n and_o to_o his_o saint_n now_o that_o he_o do_v love_n as_o he_o show_v we_o appear_v in_o that_o this_o love_n to_o it_o be_v his_o very_a nature_n and_o therefore_o he_o be_v call_v the_o righteous_a and_o the_o lord_n our_o righteousness_n yea_o it_o appear_v in_o that_o he_o have_v through_o all_o kind_n of_o difficulty_n fulfil_v all_o righteousness_n therefore_o with_o desire_n i_o have_v desire_v say_v he_o to_o eat_v this_o passover_n that_o so_o he_o may_v be_v ready_a to_o suffer_v and_o so_o to_o satisfy_v divine_a justice_n which_o be_v one_o part_n of_o his_o fulfil_a righteousness_n yea_o he_o show_v that_o he_o love_v righteousness_n in_o that_o salvation_n that_o he_o have_v wrought_v for_o we_o merit_v by_o a_o full_a satisfaction_n to_o justice_n that_o so_o justice_n may_v glory_v in_o our_o salvation_n as_o well_o as_o mercy_n for_o however_o wereceive_v all_o by_o grace_n yet_o christ_n wrought_v it_o out_o by_o justice_n and_o pay_v a_o full_a price_n for_o it_o which_o show_v his_o love_n to_o righteousness_n and_o justice_n so_o that_o what_o ever_o god_n have_v promise_v believer_n in_o his_o word_n it_o be_v a_o merit_a promise_n that_o christ_n have_v buy_v and_o pay_v
be_v bless_v discovery_n give_v to_o judge_v our_o estate_n we_o be_v also_o instruct_v in_o all_o our_o present_a affliction_n in_o this_o world_n still_o to_o remember_v it_o appear_v not_o yet_o what_o we_o shall_v be_v do_v you_o keep_v your_o eye_n on_o this_o how_o will_v it_o refresh_v you_o under_o all_o trouble_n keep_v your_o eye_n then_o on_o christ_n his_o appearance_n for_o there_o your_o fullness_n shall_v be_v but_o further_o to_o refresh_v the_o saint_n they_o be_v at_o present_a the_o son_n of_o god_n but_o know_v not_o the_o best_a of_o their_o estate_n you_o may_v be_v now_o under_o cloud_n and_o temptation_n but_o the_o best_a be_v behind_o it_o appear_v not_o now_o what_o you_o shall_v be_v and_o let_v this_o cheer_n up_o your_o heart_n the_o 8._o day_n of_o this_o ten_o month_n the_o lord_n draw_v out_o my_o heart_n in_o the_o morning_n be_v the_o day_n of_o our_o church-meeting_n to_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o go_v forth_o with_o we_o this_o day_n or_o else_o not_o to_o carry_v we_o out_o and_o withal_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o provide_v a_o bless_a word_n a_o seasonable_a word_n for_o every_o poor_a soul_n that_o shall_v in_o the_o sincerity_n of_o their_o spirit_n wait_v upon_o he_o that_o day_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o speak_v some_o seasonable_a word_n to_o my_o soul_n that_o it_o may_v be_v a_o bless_a testimony_n that_o his_o presence_n be_v with_o i_o beg_v also_o the_o pour_v out_o of_o his_o spirit_n rich_o on_o they_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o send_v to_o speak_v among_o we_o with_o much_o to_o this_o effect_n the_o nine_o of_o this_o ten_o month_n at_o night_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v often_o to_o draw_v out_o my_o heart_n with_o some_o sense_n of_o his_o appearance_n as_o also_o my_o unfruitfulness_n under_o all_o former_a appearanc_n beseech_v he_o to_o sanctify_v all_o his_o appearance_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o help_v i_o to_o walk_v more_o watchful_o and_o hearken_v more_o to_o the_o testimony_n of_o my_o own_o conscience_n in_o what_o ever_o i_o have_v do_v and_o not_o to_o sin_v against_o it_o with_o many_o such_o like_a desire_n beg_v this_o that_o as_o he_o have_v so_o sweet_o encourage_v my_o soul_n by_o these_o gracious_a hint_n the_o three_o of_o this_o month_n so_o that_o now_o he_o will_v please_v notwithstanding_o all_o my_o unworthiness_n and_o unfruitfulness_n yet_o to_o make_v good_a these_o gracious_a word_n of_o he_o wherein_o he_o have_v say_v sin_n shall_v not_o have_v dominion_n over_o his_o people_n and_o that_o he_o will_v bruise_v satan_n under_o their_o foot_n that_o he_o will_v never_o leave_v nor_o forsake_v they_o for_o which_o gracious_a bless_a word_n of_o his_o i_o endeavour_v to_o plead_v with_o he_o this_o evening_n even_o upon_o the_o account_n of_o the_o full_a satisfaction_n the_o lord_n jesus_n have_v make_v to_o he_o that_o therefore_o these_o bless_a word_n may_v be_v make_v good_a to_o my_o poor_a soul_n as_o also_o on_o the_o behalf_n of_o his_o servant_n our_o dear_a pastor_n who_o the_o eight_o of_o this_o eight_o month_n seem_v exceed_v sad_a which_o come_v with_o some_o power_n and_o sense_n upon_o my_o heart_n at_o this_o time_n beseech_v the_o lord_n if_o he_o have_v convince_v he_o of_o any_o evil_n in_o he_o that_o he_o will_v also_o work_v it_o out_o of_o he_o and_o if_o there_o be_v any_o other_o oppression_n upon_o his_o spirit_n which_o be_v know_v to_o he_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o ease_v refresh_v comfort_n and_o fit_v he_o for_o the_o great_a work_n he_o have_v call_v he_o to_o and_o also_o pour_v out_o his_o spirit_n upon_o he_o that_o he_o may_v have_v a_o real_a and_o sensible_a sight_n of_o the_o answer_n of_o those_o desire_n and_o that_o the_o lord_n will_v please_v to_o direct_v he_o what_o and_o how_o to_o speak_v so_o as_o may_v be_v to_o the_o advantage_n of_o every_o of_o our_o soul_n who_o sincere_o seek_v his_o face_n and_o presence_n and_o oh_o my_o soul_n how_o graciouslie_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v the_o next_o day_n be_v his_o sabbath_n and_o give_v in_o a_o gracious_a answer_n to_o these_o desire_n and_o give_v forth_o far_o beyond_o they_o the_o 10_o of_o this_o 10_o month_n be_v the_o lord_n day_n in_o the_o morning_n i_o seek_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o most_o special_a presence_n in_o and_o with_o i_o this_o day_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o prepare_v a_o seasonable_a useful_a word_n for_o my_o soul_n and_o prepare_v my_o heart_n to_o meet_v with_o he_o that_o my_o soul_n may_v be_v enable_v to_o bless_v and_o praise_v his_o name_n for_o it_o and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v so_o eminent_o to_o appear_v that_o it_o may_v be_v write_v among_o the_o reward_n of_o his_o love_n yea_o that_o it_o may_v come_v into_o my_o soul_n even_o as_o a_o special_a pledge_n of_o his_o love_n yea_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o pour_v out_o his_o spirit_n upon_o his_o servant_n and_o appear_v so_o eminent_o through_o he_o as_o that_o also_o he_o may_v be_v enable_v to_o acknowledge_v it_o to_o his_o praise_n and_o oh_o my_o soul_n how_o rich_o and_o abundant_o and_o full_o do_v the_o lord_n answer_v all_o these_o desire_n yea_o every_o of_o they_o in_o particular_a which_o be_v spread_v before_o he_o more_o at_o large_a then_o i_o be_o able_a to_o set_v down_o and_o true_o the_o answer_n of_o they_o be_v much_o more_o large_a and_o full_a in_o which_o the_o lord_n bow_v down_o great_o even_o to_o the_o request_n also_o to_o do_v more_o abundant_o than_o i_o can_v ask_v or_o think_v and_o so_o he_o do_v begin_v even_o as_o soon_o i_o come_v to_o the_o congregation_n fill_v my_o heart_n with_o great_a joy_n and_o expectation_n of_o his_o mercy_n from_o he_o even_o in_o the_o psalm_n before_o sermon_n the_o psalm_n sing_v be_v psal_n 22._o 23._o on_o which_o my_o soul_n joyfullie_o run_v out_o and_o so_o both_o in_o prayer_n and_o in_o preach_v how_o abundantlie_o do_v the_o lord_n bow_v down_o and_o refresh_v my_o poor_a spitit_fw-la and_o the_o spirit_n of_o our_o dear_a pastor_n who_o in_o a_o most_o solemn_a manner_n again_o and_o again_o bless_v the_o lord_n for_o his_o appearance_n both_o in_o the_o dispensation_n of_o the_o word_n &_o also_o in_o the_o lord_n supper_n that_o be_v that_o day_n administer_v the_o scripture_n speak_v to_o we_o be_v psal_n 45._o 7._o thou_o hate_v iniquity_n whence_o he_o show_v that_o christ_n be_v lovely_a to_o his_o saint_n for_o hate_v iniquity_n in_o open_v hereof_o he_o show_v we_o what_o hatred_n be_v in_o man_n and_o what_o it_o be_v in_o christ_n which_o as_o he_o say_v be_v not_o a_o action_n or_o passion_n but_o his_o very_a nature_n and_o will_n which_o put_v forth_o all_o his_o other_o excellency_n as_o his_o power_n and_o his_o wisdom_n etc._n etc._n to_o repel_v all_o that_o be_v contrary_a to_o his_o nature_n and_o will_n which_o he_o further_o open_v at_o large_a show_v we_o that_o all_o the_o object_n of_o christ_n hatred_n be_v only_a sin_n which_o be_v true_o evil_a man_n hate_v that_o which_o they_o apprehend_v evil_a but_o christ_n hatred_n be_v proper_o neither_o against_o man_n or_o angel_n but_o only_o against_o sin_n and_o man_n only_o as_o he_o be_v under_o the_o power_n of_o sin_n and_o this_o hatred_n make_v he_o repel_v that_o which_o he_o hate_v with_o all_o his_o power_n put_v out_o all_o his_o excellency_n to_o the_o uttermost_a either_o for_o the_o destruction_n of_o sin_n in_o we_o or_o of_o we_o thus_o christ_n love_v the_o nature_n of_o man_n and_o take_v it_o upon_o he_o yet_o when_o this_o love_n be_v turn_v into_o hatred_n by_o reason_n of_o the_o overpower_v of_o sin_n which_o fight_v against_o the_o life_n of_o christ_n and_o when_o this_o love_n of_o he_o come_v to_o turn_v to_o hatred_n the_o hatred_n be_v the_o great_a now_o that_o christ_n hate_v sin_n appear_v both_o in_o the_o work_n of_o redemption_n and_o rejection_n in_o the_o work_n of_o redemption_n when_o he_o come_v to_o suppress_v sin_n in_o we_o he_o seem_v by_o this_o action_n to_o speak_v in_o this_o manner_n rather_o than_o sin_n shall_v live_v in_o thou_o i_o will_v die_v my_o blood_n shall_v rather_o go_v for_o it_o so_o in_o the_o rejection_n the_o hatred_n of_o christ_n shall_v kindle_v the_o fire_n of_o hell_n about_o they_o but_o that_o christ_n do_v thus_o hate_v sin_n appear_v further_a by_o these_o thing_n 1._o by_o his_o deal_n against_o it_o in_o the_o creation_n adam_n no_o soon_o make_v but_o he_o fall_v and_o so_o boil_a hot_a be_v god_n hatred_n against_o sin_n that_o before_o he_o give_v he_o time_n for_o repentance_n or_o any_o parley_n he_o present_o go_v to_o his_o posterity_n