the_o lord_n will_v be_v please_v to_o pardon_v all_o the_o unbelieved_a working_n of_o my_o corrupt_a heart_n and_o those_o hard_a thought_n i_o have_v have_v of_o god_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v in_o such_o clear_a vision_n of_o himself_o as_o may_v mighty_o increase_v my_o faith_n which_o desire_v of_o i_o be_v spread_v before_o the_o lord_n that_o day_n but_o have_v receive_v at_o this_o time_n some_o little_a refresh_n from_o those_o instruction_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v then_o to_o communicate_v by_o mr._n knight_n from_o heb._n 12._o 5-13_a from_o which_o scripture_n i_o be_v also_o convince_v that_o in_o most_o of_o the_o chastisement_n the_o lord_n have_v see_v meet_a to_o lay_v i_o under_o i_o have_v either_o despise_v his_o chastisement_n or_o else_o faint_v under_o they_o the_o lord_n i_o say_v have_v this_o day_n break_v in_o thus_o upon_o my_o heart_n by_o his_o spirit_n through_o his_o word_n the_o devil_n soon_o begin_v again_o with_o i_o take_v this_o opportunity_n i_o have_v set_v myself_o and_o endeavour_v to_o lay_v my_o heart_n to_o the_o word_n and_o see_v what_o comfortable_a ground_n i_o can_v take_v up_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v indeed_o afflict_v i_o in_o mercy_n etc._n etc._n the_o devil_n now_o begin_v to_o endeavour_v to_o puff_n up_o my_o spirit_n with_o a_o conceit_n that_o i_o be_v able_a to_o speak_v more_o in_o this_o kind_n than_o many_o other_o who_o be_v at_o that_o time_n also_o by_o he_o present_v but_o through_o mercy_n this_o do_v not_o pass_v many_o day_n before_o the_o lord_n sad_o show_v i_o my_o folly_n and_o weakness_n herein_o for_o a_o little_a while_n after_o there_o be_v a_o other_o day_n keep_v to_o which_o meeting_n i_o go_v and_o true_o after_o i_o come_v there_o the_o lord_n set_v home_o these_o wicked_a thought_n together_o with_o several_a other_o thing_n which_o wrought_v so_o upon_o my_o spirit_n that_o my_o heart_n be_v even_o overwhelm_v within_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o can_v not_o keep_v it_o to_o myself_o but_o be_v constrain_v to_o discover_v it_o by_o my_o carriage_n which_o mr._n knight_n take_v notice_n of_o speak_v to_o i_o after_o the_o exercise_n at_o which_o time_n i_o be_v so_o far_o from_o that_o ability_n that_o satan_n possess_v i_o with_o thought_n of_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a in_o any_o measure_n to_o speak_v my_o heart_n to_o he_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v one_o who_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v up_o to_o a_o dumb_a spirit_n and_o think_v those_o three_o word_n which_o be_v all_o that_o i_o can_v then_o speak_v be_v through_o a_o mere_a mistake_n sad_o misconstrued_n by_o he_o yet_o have_v i_o not_o power_n to_o speak_v one_o word_n to_o clear_v my_o meaning_n suppose_v it_o may_v possible_o be_v that_o the_o lord_n have_v something_o to_o speak_v to_o i_o even_o through_o that_o mistake_n there_o be_v also_o this_o day_n a_o word_n set_v home_o very_o much_o on_o my_o heart_n from_o something_o mr._n milborn_n note_v to_o we_o which_o also_o add_v much_o to_o my_o sadness_n and_o it_o be_v this_o that_o i_o have_v pray_v and_o pray_v again_o and_o again_o but_o when_o i_o have_v do_v i_o never_o look_v after_o the_o return_n of_o they_o have_v never_o yet_o any_o experience_n make_v out_o to_o i_o that_o i_o dare_v acknowledge_v this_o or_o that_o to_o be_v a_o return_n of_o my_o prayer_n nay_o though_o the_o lord_n have_v give_v in_o a_o mercy_n that_o i_o have_v beg_v of_o he_o i_o be_v still_o for_o many_o year_n tempt_v to_o believe_v that_o it_o have_v be_v so_o though_o i_o have_v not_o pray_v and_o so_o it_o be_v not_o give_v in_o as_o a_o answer_n to_o prayer_n which_o do_v much_o eat_v out_o the_o sweetness_n of_o those_o mercy_n which_o i_o do_v enjoy_v in_o so_o much_o that_o i_o think_v i_o do_v now_o even_o stand_v and_o admire_v what_o it_o be_v that_o do_v at_o that_o time_n support_v my_o spirit_n &_o carry_v i_o on_o in_o a_o continue_a seek_v of_o god_n be_v not_o able_a then_o to_o record_v a_o answer_n of_o prayer_n at_o all_o that_o i_o can_v bring_v to_o mind_n however_o the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v before_o this_o time_n to_o give_v i_o many_o gracious_a answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o be_v my_o eye_n withhold_v from_o see_v they_o to_o be_v so_o and_o take_v the_o comfort_n thereof_o until_o a_o long_a after_o yea_o sometime_o some_o year_n after_o some_o of_o they_o be_v give_v in_o which_o yet_o afterward_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o make_v out_o unto_o i_o even_o before_o the_o write_n hereof_o but_o after_o all_o this_o the_o lord_n by_o the_o act_n of_o his_o providence_n seem_v much_o to_o cross_v these_o hope_n and_o desire_n of_o his_o people_n in_o join_v in_o fellowship_n together_o which_o when_o i_o hear_v of_o it_o be_v a_o great_a trouble_n to_o i_o who_o great_o desire_v the_o accomplishment_n of_o it_o sometime_o think_v that_o it_o may_v be_v even_o for_o my_o sake_n alone_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v do_v it_o other_o time_n be_v tempt_v to_o think_v that_o if_o it_o have_v be_v the_o lord_n act_v to_o work_v up_o my_o spirit_n to_o that_o pitch_n that_o i_o think_v i_o find_v it_o wrought_v up_o unto_o than_o he_o will_v also_o have_v go_v on_o to_o have_v perfect_v my_o desire_n but_o be_v again_o enable_v on_o the_o other_o side_n to_o reason_n thus_o with_o myself_o that_o it_o be_v my_o duty_n to_o wait_v patient_o upon_o the_o lord_n and_o submit_v to_o he_o as_o well_o for_o the_o time_n as_o for_o the_o matter_n i_o endeavour_v the_o lord_n assist_v i_o to_o quiet_v my_o spirit_n with_o such_o thought_n as_o these_o that_o the_o lord_n may_v delay_v it_o in_o much_o mercy_n that_o so_o i_o may_v be_v the_o more_o fit_a for_o it_o when_o he_o shall_v please_v to_o accomplish_v it_o apprehend_v that_o sure_o he_o see_v i_o not_o yet_o fit_a for_o such_o a_o mercy_n than_o do_v i_o again_o turn_v to_o the_o lord_n and_o thus_o desire_v to_o submit_v to_o he_o beg_v of_o he_o to_o fit_v i_o for_o such_o a_o mercy_n and_o if_o he_o see_v it_o good_a to_o afford_v i_o the_o mercy_n here_o if_o not_o that_o he_o will_v direct_v i_o where_o to_o join_v that_o may_v be_v more_o for_o his_o glory_n and_o my_o soul_n good_a thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v to_o go_v on_o well_o nigh_o a_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n still_o come_v in_o with_o more_o light_n and_o discovery_n of_o his_o love_n to_o my_o soul_n and_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o more_o and_o more_o that_o work_n which_o he_o have_v begin_v through_o his_o rich_a and_o free_a grace_n in_o my_o lord_n jesus_n in_o who_o i_o do_v now_o desire_v only_o and_o alone_o to_o be_v find_v and_o not_o in_o any_o of_o my_o own_o righteousness_n who_o have_v now_o enable_v i_o to_o see_v to_o be_v very_o loathsome_a and_o abominable_a though_o former_o i_o have_v too_o much_o dote_v upon_o they_o then_o in_o the_o three_o month_n in_o the_o year_n 1652._o mr._n knight_n be_v go_v into_o the_o north_n the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o a_o mere_a providence_n as_o i_o desire_v to_o look_v upon_o it_o not_o know_v as_o yet_o but_o that_o i_o may_v also_o say_v as_o a_o return_n of_o many_o of_o my_o former_a poor_a desire_n to_o send_v mr._n rogers_n to_o the_o meeting_n at_o mr._n knight_n house_n have_v preach_v one_o lord_n day_n before_o at_o the_o chapel_n at_o hammersmith_n which_o occasion_v very_o strong_a and_o earnest_a desire_n in_o i_o to_o hear_v he_o again_o which_o now_o i_o do_v the_o lord_n direct_v he_o this_o time_n to_o speak_v unto_o we_o concern_v church_n discipline_n which_o i_o be_v yet_o very_o dark_a in_o which_o the_o lord_n enable_v he_o to_o give_v i_o very_o much_o and_o great_a satisfaction_n which_o otherwise_o i_o have_v cause_n to_o fear_v i_o may_v more_o inconsiderate_o have_v rush_v upon_o thus_o be_v the_o lord_n please_v i_o hope_v in_o answer_n to_o my_o poor_a desire_n yet_o far_a to_o clear_v up_o this_o way_n of_o he_o to_o i_o prove_v it_o clear_o to_o be_v the_o way_n of_o the_o gospel_n and_o that_o which_o every_o one_o ought_v to_o be_v full_o satisfy_v in_o before_o they_o enter_v upon_o this_o be_v now_o more_o clear_v unto_o i_o my_o desire_n and_o long_n after_o the_o enjoyment_n of_o god_n in_o this_o zion_n grow_v more_o strong_a and_o earnest_a i_o continual_o mention_v it_o before_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o real_o i_o can_v tell_v but_o that_o i_o shall_v rob_v the_o lord_n of_o his_o glory_n in_o this_o particular_a if_o i_o shall_v not_o also_o acknowledge_v he_o further_o by_o my_o poor_a
soul_n in_o former_a day_n in_o the_o night-season_n and_o how_o sweet_a my_o meditation_n of_o he_o have_v be_v night_n and_o morning_n upon_o my_o bed_n and_o how_o barren_a my_o heart_n have_v be_v for_o some_o time_n of_o late_a in_o these_o meditation_n and_o how_o the_o lord_n have_v seem_v to_o withdraw_v these_o thought_n do_v put_v i_o upon_o it_o the_o ten_o of_o this_o second_o month_n in_o the_o evening_n to_o beg_v of_o god_n that_o as_o he_o have_v former_o appear_v in_o such_o season_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o return_v that_o mercy_n even_o by_o those_o torch_n of_o his_o hand_n whereby_o my_o night_n be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o my_o body_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o extreme_a cough_n &_o true_o i_o do_v the_o more_o press_v it_o upon_o the_o lord_n in_o my_o desire_n have_v much_o groan_v to_o think_v that_o night_n will_v be_v very_o wearisome_a to_o i_o more_o than_o any_o former_o by_o reason_n of_o my_o distemper_n but_o my_o good_a god_n who_o work_v all_o thing_n after_o the_o counsel_n of_o his_o own_o will_n and_o not_o according_a to_o our_o thought_n or_o fear_n or_o hope_n so_o order_v it_o that_o what_o i_o have_v reason_n most_o to_o fear_n he_o give_v i_o least_o to_o feel_v and_o though_o i_o be_v much_o distemper_v in_o my_o head_n when_o i_o go_v to_o bed_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o cold_n that_o be_v so_o great_a yet_o do_v he_o give_v i_o very_o good_a rest_n all_o the_o forepart_n of_o the_o night_n which_o when_o i_o awake_v towards_o morning_n and_o begin_v to_o consider_v oh_o i_o can_v not_o but_o admire_v but_o withal_o begin_v to_o think_v that_o though_o my_o desire_n about_o this_o be_v answer_v and_o though_o i_o have_v rest_n of_o body_n yet_o no_o communion_n with_o my_o god_n or_o reason_v with_o my_o own_o heart_n which_o i_o intend_v to_o have_v parly_v a_o little_a with_o while_o i_o have_v these_o thought_n and_o the_o like_a lie_v in_o a_o slumber_a way_n there_o be_v this_o thought_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n which_o mr._n cradock_n the_o four_o day_n of_o this_o second_o month_n mention_v upon_o another_o occasion_n the_o word_n be_v these_o that_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a that_o be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n these_o word_n run_v much_o in_o my_o mind_n and_o some_o thought_n be_v give_v in_o upon_o they_o with_o a_o great_a desire_n i_o may_v not_o forget_v they_o but_o may_v in_o the_o morning_n see_v and_o find_v out_o that_o place_n of_o scripture_n but_o the_o lord_n give_v i_o as_o i_o think_v a_o opportunity_n and_o so_o much_o strength_n as_o to_o go_v and_o hear_v mr._n cradick_n i_o haste_v as_o soon_o as_o i_o can_v get_v up_o to_o prepare_v for_o go_v but_o when_o we_o come_v there_o have_v pray_v to_o the_o lord_n in_o some_o few_o word_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o give_v i_o some_o sight_n of_o himself_o some_o transform_a sight_n and_o some_o kiss_n from_o his_o lip_n this_o day_n but_o go_v there_o we_o be_v disappoint_v for_o that_o exercise_n be_v for_o some_o occasion_n put_v off_o to_o next_o morning_n and_o so_o we_o come_v home_o again_o and_o come_v home_o be_v a_o little_a sadned_a in_o my_o spirit_n think_v of_o my_o morning-desire_n &_o when_o a_o answer_n shall_v be_v of_o they_o or_o how_o look_v for_o i_o sit_v i_o down_o and_o fall_v to_o read_v a_o little_a of_o mr._n cradock_n sermon_n before_o mention_v and_o meet_v with_o these_o word_n oh_o vain_a man_n that_o will_v be_v wise_a put_v i_o again_o in_o mind_n of_o my_o night-thought_n and_o fall_v to_o look_v the_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o in_o job_n 11._o 12._o for_o vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n some_o hint_n there_o be_v that_o fall_v upon_o my_o heart_n this_o night_n from_o these_o word_n vain_a man_n will_v be_v wise_a good_a god_n have_v not_o this_o be_v my_o condition_n this_o poor_a vain_a creature_n will_v i_o not_o fain_o be_v wise_a and_o think_v to_o be_v so_o and_o often_o pride_v myself_o in_o the_o thought_n of_o it_o for_o which_o the_o lord_n righteous_o show_v i_o now_o and_o then_o my_o folly_n yet_o how_o fain_o will_v i_o be_v wise_a in_o chalk_v out_o way_n for_o the_o lord_n to_o walk_v in_o towards_o i_o even_o as_o if_o i_o know_v better_a what_o be_v good_a for_o i_o then_o god_n or_o how_o to_o accomplish_v that_o work_n in_o my_o soul_n better_o than_o he_o and_o therefore_o be_o i_o so_o ready_a to_o prescribe_v to_o he_o way_n yea_o and_o if_o he_o refuse_v and_o reject_v they_o as_o for_o the_o most_o part_n he_o be_v please_v in_o mercy_n to_o do_v bless_a be_v his_o name_n oh_o how_o sad_o do_v it_o often_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o how_o apt_a be_o i_o to_o think_v hardly_o of_o the_o lord_n that_o true_o he_o do_v not_o mean_v i_o any_o good_a in_o deny_v i_o this_o or_o that_o i_o desire_v and_o for_o the_o late_a word_n though_o man_n be_v bear_v like_o a_o wild_a ass_n colt_n concern_v which_o i_o have_v some_o scatter_a thought_n but_o not_o so_o compose_v as_o afterward_o but_o after_o i_o have_v come_v home_o from_o james_n next_o day_n and_o have_v look_v this_o scripture_n and_o find_v it_o sit_v and_o pause_v a_o while_n upon_o it_o my_o spirit_n be_v very_o much_o sadn_v and_o unfit_a for_o any_o serious_a spiritual_a meditation_n at_o last_o i_o betake_v myself_o to_o some_o short_a request_n to_o the_o lord_n tell_v he_o that_o as_o he_o be_v please_v thus_o to_o disappoint_v my_o expectation_n of_o the_o public_a enjoyment_n yet_o in_o he_o there_o be_v a_o fullness_n of_o all_o power_n and_o ability_n thereby_o be_v as_o able_a to_o speak_v to_o i_o by_o his_o own_o spirit_n something_o that_o may_v be_v of_o spiritual_a advantage_n some_o transform_a word_n which_o he_o be_v able_a to_o do_v as_o well_o in_o private_a as_o in_o public_a which_o i_o do_v now_o beg_v of_o he_o and_o to_o that_o end_n beseech_v he_o to_o lead_v i_o by_o the_o hand_n this_o day_n and_o guide_v i_o into_o the_o way_n and_o put_v i_o upon_o the_o work_n and_o that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o appear_v to_o i_o with_o many_o other_o request_v both_o for_o my_o own_o soul_n and_o other_o in_o relation_n to_o i_o but_o not_o know_v what_o work_n to_o set_v upon_o this_o day_n or_o what_o to_o take_v in_o hand_n but_o wait_v upon_o the_o lord_n direction_n have_v many_o thing_n in_o my_o thought_n to_o do_v but_o desirous_a of_o some_o word_n from_o god_n to_o my_o poor_a soul_n but_o this_o word_n in_o job_n 11._o 12._o follow_v i_o still_o i_o fall_v to_o some_o further_a thought_n of_o it_o and_o ruminate_v on_o the_o latter_a clause_n of_o be_v like_o the_o wild_a ass_n i_o begin_v to_o think_v what_o that_o scripture_n do_v record_n of_o this_o creature_n that_o i_o see_v do_v resemble_v i_o full_o and_o there_o these_o word_n of_o the_o prophet_n bring_v to_o my_o mind_n that_o it_o go_v up_o and_o down_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n and_o be_v ready_a to_o be_v find_v in_o her_o month_n which_o word_n i_o find_v in_o jeremiah_n 2._o 24._o a_o wild_a ass_n use_v to_o the_o wilderness_n that_o snuff_v up_o the_o wind_n at_o her_o pleasure_n in_o her_o occasion_n who_o can_v turn_v she_o away_o all_o these_o that_o seek_v she_o will_v weary_v themselves_o in_o her_o month_n they_o shall_v find_v she_o in_o which_o as_o also_o in_o most_o part_n of_o the_o chapter_n i_o find_v many_o thing_n that_o sit_v very_o close_o to_o i_o the_o lord_n begin_v thus_o it_o be_v with_o i_o for_o in_o v._o 2._o i_o remember_v say_v he_o the_o kindn_a of_o thy_o youth_n the_o love_n of_o thy_o espousal_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o in_o the_o wilderness_n in_o a_o land_n that_o be_v not_o sow_o in_o the_o time_n of_o thy_o darkness_n sorrow_n and_o tear_n and_o bondage_n when_o thou_o wente_v after_o i_o and_o often_o in_o the_o bitterness_n of_o thy_o soul_n resolve_v to_o follow_v i_o through_o this_o wilderness_n though_o thou_o shall_v perish_v in_o so_o do_v yea_o resolve_v so_o to_o follow_v i_o as_o that_o thy_o heart_n be_v then_o full_o as_o it_o be_v take_v off_o from_o all_o but_o i_o thou_o do_v desire_v nothing_o but_o myself_o but_o ver_fw-la 5._o what_o iniquity_n have_v your_o father_n find_v in_o i_o that_o you_o go_v from_o i_o to_o follow_v after_o vanity_n how_o righteous_o may_v the_o lord_n say_v thus_o to_o i_o be_v he_o not_o better_o to_o i_o by_o far_o then_o ever_o i_o expect_v or_o can_v have_v believe_v v._o 6._o neither_o say_v they_o where_o
in_o his_o family_n upon_o his_o child_n and_o servant_n and_o by_o this_o mean_v this_o daughter_n and_o one_o of_o his_o servant_n be_v bring_v home_o unto_o the_o lord_n and_o which_o i_o mention_v as_o a_o alarm_n to_o the_o saint_n to_o the_o practice_n of_o this_o duty_n which_o seem_v in_o this_o licentious_a age_n to_o be_v so_o great_o neglect_v she_o have_v this_o honour_n to_o enjoy_v the_o endear_a affection_n of_o all_o saint_n that_o converse_v with_o she_o as_o be_v eminent_a in_o these_o grace_n first_o in_o love_n to_o all_o saint_n though_o of_o different_a judgement_n where_o she_o discern_v any_o character_n of_o christ_n image_n her_o heart_n delight_v in_o they_o which_o grace_n shine_v the_o more_o clear_o because_o she_o live_v in_o a_o time_n wherein_o the_o contrary_a evil_n must_v prevail_v again_o she_o be_v eminent_o exemplary_a in_o that_o holy_a art_n of_o the_o improvement_n of_o the_o society_n of_o the_o saint_n by_o serious_a propound_v of_o prepare_a question_n about_o matter_n of_o most_o infinite_a concernment_n with_o such_o wisdom_n in_o search_v out_o the_o deep_a of_o the_o treasure_n god_n have_v lay_v up_o in_o other_o heart_n that_o she_o grow_v abundant_o in_o experimental_a knowledge_n of_o save_a truth_n and_o be_v able_a and_o ready_a to_o communicate_v rich_o unto_o other_o she_o be_v a_o most_o diligent_a christian_a in_o attend_v all_o the_o ordinance_n and_o in_o every_o administration_n do_v hearken_v what_o god_n say_v to_o her_o soul_n and_o as_o her_o soul_n wait_v for_o some_o discovery_n of_o god_n so_o the_o shine_a forth_o of_o god_n in_o his_o counsel_n and_o comfort_n she_o do_v abundant_o enjoy_v she_o be_v a_o careful_a observer_n of_o the_o lord_n day_n and_o find_v such_o profit_n in_o the_o way_n of_o the_o almighty_a that_o his_o day_n be_v her_o delight_n and_o she_o requent_o be_v fill_v in_o her_o soul_n as_o with_o marrow_n and_o fatness_n she_o be_v a_o steady_a christian_a in_o reel_a time_n and_o receive_v nothing_o for_o truth_n but_o what_o she_o will_v often_o weigh_v in_o the_o balance_n or_o the_o sanctuary_n and_o upon_o solid_a ground_n lay_v up_o in_o her_o heart_n or_o put_v forth_o in_o her_o practice_n and_o for_o her_o diligence_n and_o industry_n about_o heavenly_a thing_n she_o so_o far_o abound_v that_o whoever_o have_v the_o sight_n of_o her_o labour_n will_v not_o easy_o conceive_v so_o much_o can_v be_v do_v in_o one_o who_o life_n be_v so_o short_a she_o write_v her_o daily_a meditation_n upon_o the_o holy_a book_n of_o god_n which_o she_o keep_v in_o a_o book_n fair_a write_v she_o contract_v all_o she_o hear_v in_o the_o public_a ministry_n into_o a_o method_n &_o in_o a_o book_n in_o folio_n have_v fair_o transcribe_v some_o part_n of_o that_o work_n which_o will_v have_v contain_v the_o substance_n of_o all_o the_o labour_n of_o the_o minister_n of_o christ_n who_o ministry_n she_o be_v partaker_n of_o and_o in_o another_o have_v write_v all_o the_o attribute_n of_o god_n and_o christ_n that_o she_o can_v find_v in_o scripture_n for_o the_o strengthen_n of_o the_o say_v of_o believer_n the_o truth_n be_v she_o be_v a_o soul_n whole_o dedicate_v to_o the_o lord_n and_o in_o her_o whole_a conversation_n humble_a and_o holy_a and_o tender-hearted_a one_o true_o wean_v from_o this_o world_n weary_a of_o it_o and_o often_o breathe_v out_o holy_a long_n to_o be_v with_o christ_n frequent_o say_v what_o be_v there_o in_o this_o dark_a world_n that_o shall_v cause_v a_o christian_n to_o desire_v to_o continue_v in_o it_o and_o as_o she_o long_v to_o be_v at_o home_n so_o the_o lord_n hasten_v the_o time_n and_o in_o her_o tender_a year_n gather_v she_o to_o himself_o and_o in_o her_o death_n she_o show_v forth_o a_o gracious_a frame_n of_o spirit_n and_o with_o holy_a confidence_n in_o christ_n resign_v herself_o to_o he_o and_o such_o be_v her_o holy_a jealousy_n of_o any_o pride_n or_o hypocrisy_n that_o may_v arise_v by_o discover_v of_o her_o labour_n that_o until_o she_o fall_v asleep_a in_o the_o lord_n her_o writing_n come_v not_o to_o the_o view_n of_o any_o thus_o this_o bless_a soul_n walk_v with_o the_o lord_n and_o these_o thing_n be_v record_v of_o she_o for_o our_o example_n that_o we_o may_v tread_v in_o her_o step_n and_o be_v follower_n of_o she_o as_o he_o she_o follow_v christ_n which_o be_v the_o hearty_a desire_n of_o he_o who_o be_v a_o servant_n of_o christ_n and_o his_o church_n isaac_n knight_n o_o my_o soul_n what_o have_v be_v the_o method_n and_o manner_n of_o the_o lord_n work_v that_o effectual_a work_n of_o he_o upon_o thy_o heart_n which_o thou_o have_v some_o comfortable_a hope_n be_v begin_v by_o he_o and_o shall_v be_v carry_v on_o in_o thy_o soul_n to_o the_o glory_n of_o his_o own_o grace_n set_v they_o down_o as_o the_o lord_n shall_v enable_v thou_o according_a as_o he_o have_v be_v please_v from_o time_n to_o time_n and_o from_o year_n to_o year_n to_o make_v it_o out_o to_o thou_o that_o so_o if_o the_o lord_n please_v it_o may_v stand_v thou_o instead_o in_o a_o evil_a day_n i_o mean_v a_o day_n of_o inward_a or_o outward_a affliction_n and_o the_o lord_n help_v thou_o to_o do_v it_o as_o in_o his_o sight_n who_o be_v the_o searcher_n of_o all_o heart_n and_o know_v better_a than_o thou_o do_v what_o work_v himself_o have_v wrought_v in_o thou_o but_o so_o far_o as_o he_o have_v or_o shall_v please_v to_o enable_v thou_o to_o discern_v it_o in_o thy_o own_o heart_n set_v it_o down_o and_o let_v it_o lie_v upon_o record_n against_o all_o the_o temptation_n of_o satan_n that_o great_a adversary_n of_o thy_o soul_n in_o the_o year_n 1635_o when_o i_o be_v yet_o very_o young_a being_n not_o at_o the_o most_o full_a nine_o year_n old_a the_o lord_n be_v please_v through_o the_o preach_n of_o his_o word_n as_o i_o conceive_v together_o with_o my_o father_n repeat_v and_o far_a press_v it_o home_o upon_o our_o spirit_n to_o begin_v to_o work_v upon_o my_o heart_n and_o to_o give_v in_o some_o kind_n of_o desire_n after_o the_o best_a thing_n whereupon_o i_o begin_v to_o take_v some_o delight_n in_o hear_v the_o word_n but_o most_o of_o all_o in_o read_v to_o myself_o in_o which_o i_o then_o spend_v many_o hour_n if_o not_o whole_a day_n the_o lord_n set_v the_o one_o and_o the_o other_o so_o home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n as_o to_o convince_v i_o both_o of_o my_o sinful_a and_o miserable_a condition_n by_o reason_n of_o my_o continual_a breach_n of_o his_o holy_a law_n and_o grieve_v the_o spirit_n of_o my_o parent_n the_o which_o be_v much_o set_v home_o upon_o i_o by_o read_v mr._n dod_n upon_o the_o commandment_n and_o the_o like_a treatise_n whereupon_o i_o have_v a_o temptation_n to_o curse_v the_o day_n of_o my_o birth_n which_o in_o some_o measure_n i_o consent_v unto_o often_o wish_v that_o i_o have_v never_o be_v bear_v or_o at_o the_o least_o have_v dye_v from_o the_o breast_n as_o i_o see_v some_o of_o my_o brother_n esteem_v their_o condition_n to_o be_v much_o better_a than_o i_o they_o never_o live_v to_o commit_v any_o actual_a sin_n and_o therefore_o as_o i_o then_o think_v shall_v without_o all_o doubt_n go_v to_o heaven_n but_o for_o myself_o i_o do_v real_o think_v and_o fear_v that_o i_o shall_v certain_o go_v to_o hell_n then_o be_v put_v out_o to_o board_n for_o a_o quarter_n of_o a_o year_n to_o one_o who_o pretend_v much_o skill_n and_o ability_n for_o the_o cure_n of_o some_o weakness_n that_o i_o then_o lay_v under_o which_o be_v a_o very_a profane_a family_n although_o i_o be_v yet_o very_o young_a yet_o be_v so_o contrary_a to_o those_o way_n i_o have_v be_v bring_v up_o in_o to_o come_v now_o to_o hear_v continual_a curse_v and_o swear_v and_o profane_v the_o lord_n day_n and_o be_v force_v to_o be_v in_o their_o company_n not_o dare_v by_o reason_n of_o those_o fear_n i_o then_o lay_v under_o to_o be_v alone_o and_o so_o sometime_o prevail_v with_o once_o or_o twice_o to_o play_v upon_o the_o lord_n day_n i_o think_v myself_o all_o this_o while_n to_o be_v in_o the_o belly_n of_o hell_n be_v thereunto_o condemn_v by_o my_o own_o conscience_n so_o that_o i_o can_v receive_v no_o contentment_n in_o all_o the_o fullness_n of_o those_o outward_a thing_n which_o i_o there_o enjoy_v but_o be_v restless_a until_o i_o get_v home_o again_o be_v yet_o only_o convince_v of_o my_o actual_a evil_n but_o when_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v by_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n and_o other_o private_a instruction_n go_v along_o with_o it_o to_o convince_v i_o in_o some_o measure_n of_o my_o original_a corruption_n that_o i_o bring_v into_o the_o
that_o his_o soul_n abhor_v and_o lie_v under_o the_o apprehension_n of_o myself_o as_o one_o cast_v off_o by_o god_n who_o he_o never_o regard_v have_v pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o beg_v a_o soft_a heart_n and_o a_o renew_a and_o change_v nature_n urge_v he_o often_o with_o that_o similitude_n of_o a_o child_n come_v to_o his_o father_n to_o beg_v bread_n mat._n 7._o 9_o 10_o 11._o or_o rather_o in_o my_o apprehension_n find_v my_o heart_n grow_v more_o hard_a and_o my_o affection_n more_o cold_a and_o lukewarm_a i_o lay_v under_o another_o temptation_n from_o satan_n that_o sure_o i_o be_v but_o a_o hypocrite_n in_o all_o that_o i_o do_v and_o therefore_o shall_v but_o heap_v up_o wrath_n against_o myself_o as_o in_o job_n 36._o 13._o and_o this_o be_v set_v home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n upon_o several_a ground_n as_o 1._o because_o as_o he_o tell_v i_o i_o do_v not_o so_o much_o aim_v at_o the_o glory_n of_o god_n as_o at_o that_o happy_a estate_n which_o be_v to_o be_v enjoy_v in_o heaven_n 2._o because_o i_o can_v not_o find_v my_o love_n work_v so_o strong_o towards_o god_n as_o towards_o myself_o desire_v to_o be_v free_v from_o the_o torment_n of_o hell_n which_o i_o conceive_v to_o be_v intolerable_a as_o also_o 3._o find_v sometime_o a_o kind_n of_o secret_a desire_n that_o some_o body_n may_v hear_v or_o know_v of_o my_o performance_n of_o duty_n etc._n etc._n though_o i_o never_o dare_v act_n in_o any_o measure_n so_o as_o that_o it_o may_v be_v discern_v but_o always_o strive_v to_o my_o utmost_a ability_n to_o conceal_v what_o ever_o possible_o i_o may_v yet_o find_v sometime_o some_o such_o desire_n of_o vain_a glory_n in_o my_o spirit_n that_o though_o i_o do_v do_v it_o thus_o private_o yet_o if_o it_o can_v have_v be_v know_v and_o not_o by_o my_o mean_n i_o think_v i_o can_v be_v content_a and_o this_o also_o lay_v as_o a_o heavy_a weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o think_v that_o there_o shall_v such_o wicked_a vain_a and_o sinful_a thought_n and_o desire_n be_v suggest_v to_o i_o or_o for_o anytime_n though_o never_o so_o small_a lodge_v within_o i_o jer._n 4._o 14._o which_o when_o i_o begin_v to_o consider_v sad_o of_o do_v but_o still_o renew_v and_o increase_v my_o trouble_n and_o fear_n be_v a_o discovery_n of_o the_o hypocrisy_n that_o be_v in_o my_o heart_n and_o for_o the_o most_o part_n of_o this_o my_o trouble_n i_o lay_v under_o such_o a_o sense_n of_o the_o wrath_n of_o god_n that_o i_o think_v that_o all_o i_o have_v and_o enjoy_v be_v curse_v to_o i_o often_o admire_v that_o every_o bit_n of_o bread_n i_o eat_v do_v not_o choke_v i_o or_o every_o creature_n do_v not_o put_v a_o end_n to_o my_o life_n often_o fear_v that_o the_o company_n i_o be_v in_o shall_v fare_v the_o worse_a for_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o if_o i_o go_v by_o water_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o conceive_v i_o may_v be_v a_o occasion_n of_o drown_v all_o those_o that_o be_v with_o i_o oh_o how_o desirous_a be_v my_o soul_n at_o this_o time_n of_o the_o help_n and_o counsel_n of_o my_o godly_a wise_a friend_n and_o christian_n but_o through_o many_o and_o sundry_a temptation_n still_o deprive_v myself_o of_o it_o and_o of_o the_o benefit_n i_o may_v have_v gain_v by_o it_o through_o my_o wicked_a silence_n in_o all_o company_n and_o loathness_n to_o impart_v my_o condition_n to_o any_o sometime_o my_o wicked_a corrupt_a heart_n will_v base_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a to_o discourse_v or_o speak_v of_o any_o spiritual_a thing_n and_o therefore_o i_o shall_v but_o only_o thereby_o discover_v my_o own_o ignorance_n and_o no_o way_n advantage_v myself_o etc._n etc._n which_o when_o i_o be_v enable_v still_o to_o consider_v better_o of_o recollect_v my_o thought_n and_o call_v they_o into_o question_n as_o it_o be_v then_o come_v the_o devil_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o this_o do_v but_o note_v my_o hypocrisy_n and_o far_o when_o i_o have_v be_v trouble_v with_o it_o to_o think_v that_o i_o shall_v give_v way_n to_o such_o wicked_a thought_n as_o these_o then_o come_v in_o satan_n again_o on_o the_o other_o side_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o if_o i_o shall_v put_v myself_o forward_o in_o any_o discourse_n i_o shall_v but_o thereby_o cause_v other_o to_o have_v a_o better_a opinion_n of_o i_o than_o indeed_o i_o deserve_v and_o so_o deceive_v other_o and_o delude_v my_o own_o soul_n and_o this_o latter_a temptation_n be_v that_o which_o indeed_o do_v often_o prevail_v with_o i_o be_v ever_o most_o of_o all_o prone_a to_o fear_v the_o delusion_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o so_o esteem_v my_o condition_n to_o be_v better_a than_o it_o be_v this_o go_v on_o in_o this_o way_n of_o wicked_a silence_n make_v many_o of_o my_o christian_a friend_n i_o do_v real_o believe_v not_o know_v what_o to_o think_v of_o i_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v estrange_v from_o i_o which_o i_o soon_o perceive_v it_o be_v a_o most_o heavy_a affliction_n to_o i_o &_o such_o as_o the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n know_v lay_v very_o sad_o upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o in_o any_o measure_n make_v know_v to_o they_o but_o between_o god_n and_o my_o own_o soul_n condole_v this_o my_o miserable_a condition_n then_o be_v to_o remove_v out_o of_o london_n which_o be_v a_o exceed_a trouble_n to_o i_o to_o consider_v how_o we_o shall_v by_o it_o be_v deprive_v of_o those_o mean_n which_o we_o there_o may_v enjoy_v although_o indeed_o neither_o my_o father_n mother_n or_o myself_o can_v enjoy_v our_o health_n there_o and_o remove_v into_o the_o country_n about_o the_o year_n 1647._o i_o find_v the_o ministry_n under_o which_o i_o then_o be_v exceed_o dead_a and_o spiritless_a then_o when_o i_o come_v home_o i_o think_v i_o know_v as_o much_o and_o no_o more_o to_o my_o edification_n in_o that_o condition_n i_o be_v in_o than_o i_o do_v when_o i_o go_v the_o subject_n which_o be_v then_o and_o for_o a_o long_a time_n together_o treat_v on_o be_v that_o scripture_n gen._n 2._o 7._o the_o lord_n breathe_v into_o man_n the_o breath_n of_o life_n and_o man_n become_v a_o live_a soul_n the_o main_a scope_n of_o the_o minister_n be_v to_o show_v what_o the_o natural_a soul_n be_v that_o god_n have_v put_v into_o man_n handle_v it_o as_o i_o conceive_v more_o like_a a_o philosopher_n than_o a_o gospel-preacher_n which_o notional_a thing_n be_v not_o those_o which_o can_v satisfy_v my_o soul_n which_o want_v now_o some_o support_n from_o heaven_n in_o this_o sad_a droop_a condition_n i_o be_v in_o but_o meet_v with_o nothing_o suitable_a to_o my_o present_a estate_n and_o be_v here_o cast_v in_o a_o place_n where_o i_o be_v deprive_v of_o all_o other_o mean_n i_o grow_v still_o into_o a_o more_o sad_a condition_n every_o day_n then_o do_v i_o lie_v under_o a_o very_a sad_a and_o strange_a temptation_n to_o neglect_v the_o ordinance_n of_o preach_v which_o be_v ground_v upon_o the_o pretence_n that_o i_o may_v improve_v my_o time_n at_o home_n to_o my_o more_o spiritual_a advantage_n which_o temptation_n i_o often_o yield_v to_o and_o when_o i_o have_v any_o opportunity_n or_o seem_a excuse_n by_o reason_n of_o any_o small_a bodily_a distemper_n either_o the_o headache_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o take_v those_o occasion_n to_o stay_v at_o home_n and_o so_o yield_v to_o the_o temptation_n and_o thus_o i_o do_v often_o but_o when_o i_o come_v still_o at_o night_n to_o a_o review_n of_o what_o i_o have_v do_v and_o how_o i_o have_v spend_v my_o time_n in_o each_o of_o these_o day_n as_o also_o what_o i_o have_v gain_v i_o find_v it_o to_o be_v so_o little_a through_o one_o temptation_n or_o other_o that_o i_o now_o begin_v to_o conceive_v and_o fear_v that_o it_o be_v only_o a_o temptation_n of_o the_o devil_n to_o bring_v i_o out_o of_o love_n with_o the_o ordinance_n of_o god_n whereupon_o the_o lord_n also_o enable_v i_o to_o begin_v to_o take_v a_o view_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n endeavour_v to_o persuade_v myself_o that_o the_o fault_n be_v only_o in_o i_o and_o that_o sure_o i_o be_v some_o way_n or_o other_o prejudice_v against_o the_o man_n or_o his_o preach_n not_o look_v as_o i_o ought_v to_o the_o power_n of_o god_n which_o be_v able_a to_o bless_v that_o mean_n to_o i_o that_o he_o have_v now_o cast_v i_o under_o contrary_a to_o my_o desire_n and_o that_o it_o be_v therefore_o just_a with_o god_n to_o let_v it_o be_v to_o i_o according_a to_o my_o unbeleef_n whereupon_o i_o begin_v again_o to_o examine_v my_o own_o heart_n whether_o or_o no_o i_o have_v any_o kind_n of_o prejudice_n against_o the_o man_n which_o
so_o much_o that_o i_o offend_v any_o relation_n as_o that_o i_o grieve_v the_o spirit_n of_o god_n in_o all_o my_o action_n and_o in_o all_o my_o relation_n in_o this_o world_n i_o hope_v that_o my_o soul_n be_v in_o the_o first_o place_n set_v to_o serve_v my_o lord_n in_o the_o duty_n to_o they_o as_o that_o which_o he_o require_v and_o my_o be_v for_o his_o honour_n if_o do_v right_o and_o though_o i_o do_v often_o transgress_v the_o command_n of_o my_o lord_n jesus_n yet_o i_o trust_v i_o do_v not_o make_v it_o my_o work_n but_o it_o my_o daily_a burden_n 2._o my_o desire_n and_o daily_a groan_n before_o the_o lord_n be_v that_o i_o may_v be_v whole_o devote_v and_o give_v up_o to_o jesus_n in_o my_o whole_a inward_a and_o outward_a man_n and_o i_o will_v that_o all_o my_o poor_a part_n and_o strength_n and_o time_n yea_o all_o my_o inward_a and_o outward_a talent_n shall_v be_v improve_v in_o his_o service_n whole_o how_o often_o do_v my_o soul_n breath_n before_o the_o lord_n after_o this_o manner_n oh_o father_n be_v it_o not_o long_a enough_o yea_o too_o too_o long_o that_o i_o have_v be_v too_o too_o much_o at_o satan_n beck_n and_o the_o world_n yea_o and_o my_o own_o oh_o that_o it_o may_v be_v thus_o no_o long_o and_o that_o i_o may_v no_o long_o live_v to_o myself_o or_o seek_v or_o please_v myself_o in_o any_o thing_n but_o that_o my_o whole_a soul_n may_v be_v set_v to_o please_v my_o lord_n jesus_n be_v it_o not_o my_o daily_a burden_n that_o i_o have_v too_o too_o much_o seek_v and_o serve_v myself_o both_o in_o natural_a and_o spiritual_a thing_n that_o i_o have_v have_v too_o many_o self-end_n and_o design_n which_o the_o lord_n crucify_v full_o for_o my_o lord_n sake_n and_o as_o for_o the_o service_n of_o the_o world_n if_o i_o know_v any_o thing_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n it_o be_v my_o daily_a desire_n prayer_n and_o endeavour_n to_o throw_v the_o world_n whole_o out_o of_o my_o heart_n that_o i_o may_v not_o do_v any_o service_n any_o long_o to_o sin_n or_o satan_n and_o if_o at_o any_o time_n they_o do_v get_v any_o little_a from_o i_o how_o grudge_o and_o repine_o be_v it_o do_v yea_o be_v it_o not_o the_o grief_n of_o my_o soul_n that_o i_o have_v have_v any_o expectation_n or_o desire_n after_o any_o thing_n in_o the_o world_n or_o of_o this_o world_n that_o my_o eye_n be_v not_o whole_o and_o real_o upon_o jesus_n christ_n for_o expectation_n provision_n and_o all_o what_o i_o need_v 3_o though_o i_o have_v a_o wretched_a heart_n that_o have_v and_o still_o will_v be_v pick_v its_o work_n think_v that_o other_o servant_n of_o christ_n they_o have_v a_o easy_a work_n and_o go_v through_o this_o world_n fill_v fill_v with_o the_o joy_n of_o the_o holy_a ghost_n yea_o and_o have_v their_o cup_n of_o earthly_a blessing_n overflow_a and_o hereupon_o my_o wicked_a heart_n have_v be_v carry_v disorderly_a to_o long_o after_o and_o wish_v for_o such_o a_o condition_n and_o think_v that_o i_o have_v a_o hard_a portion_n to_o be_v always_o afflict_v with_o inward_a and_o outward_a distemper_n and_o weakness_n trial_n in_o bodily_a affliction_n of_o most_o sort_n and_o inward_a weakness_n infirmity_n temptation_n of_o divers_a kind_n and_o in_o high_a degree_n suffer_v my_o name_n especial_o for_o my_o desire_n to_o walk_v in_o the_o way_n and_o service_n of_o my_o lord_n which_o my_o wicked_a heart_n think_v very_o hard_a and_o to_o this_o day_n be_v too_o ready_a sometime_o to_o murmur_v though_o through_o the_o goodness_n of_o my_o god_n it_o have_v not_o the_o power_n or_o strength_n that_o it_o have_v have_v yet_o the_o very_a rise_n of_o it_o cause_v my_o soul_n still_o to_o beg_v strength_n against_o it_o and_o a_o thorough_a victory_n over_o it_o beg_v daily_o a_o submissive_a frame_n of_o spirit_n to_o the_o will_n of_o my_o lord_n in_o all_o thing_n desire_v no_o more_o to_o pick_v and_o choose_v my_o condition_n and_o work_v but_o beg_v the_o lord_n to_o choose_v for_o i_o who_o know_v what_o be_v best_a for_o i_o and_o if_o he_o see_v meet_v that_o i_o shall_v serve_v he_o in_o the_o fire_n of_o affliction_n inward_a or_o outward_a that_o he_o will_v but_o subject_v my_o heart_n to_o his_o will_n &_o sanctify_v that_o condition_n to_o i_o and_o do_v with_o i_o what_o he_o please_v 7_o do_v there_o not_o appear_v some_o degree_n of_o faithfulness_n in_o thou_o in_o that_o thou_o love_v most_o who_o thou_o esteem_v to_o do_v most_o for_o christ_n and_o daily_o mourn_v that_o other_o do_v no_o more_o for_o he_o then_o thou_o do_v be_v it_o not_o a_o continual_a burden_n to_o thou_o that_o thou_o can_v do_v no_o more_o for_o christ_n and_o be_v employ_v no_o more_o by_o he_o may_v thou_o not_o say_v safe_o before_o the_o lord_n who_o know_v the_o truth_n of_o it_o that_o thy_o heart_n be_v not_o take_v with_o any_o creature_n in_o this_o world_n what_o ever_o it_o be_v and_o if_o upon_o any_o yet_o upon_o no_o other_o account_n whatever_o but_o only_o as_o they_o be_v servant_n to_o thy_o lord_n and_o what_o ever_o their_o other_o adjourning_n be_v whether_o beauty_n or_o part_n or_o riches_n and_o honour_n or_o whatever_o none_o of_o all_o these_o do_v to_o thy_o remembrance_n advance_v any_o creature_n in_o the_o esteem_n of_o thy_o soul_n 8_o will_v thou_o not_o glad_o o_o my_o soul_n be_v put_v on_o other_o yea_o and_o bless_v the_o lord_n if_o he_o will_v please_v to_o enable_v thou_o to_o this_o work_n that_o see_v thou_o can_v do_v so_o little_a for_o he_o thyself_o that_o he_o will_v enable_v thou_o to_o spur_v on_o other_o to_o do_v more_o for_o he_o then_o thou_o can_v and_o be_v it_o not_o thy_o burden_n that_o through_o one_o temptation_n or_o other_o thou_o be_v so_o much_o prevent_v in_o this_o bless_a work_n also_o to_o what_o end_n else_o be_v thy_o word_n and_o writing_n to_o other_o and_o continue_v beg_v of_o their_o remembrance_n of_o thou_o before_o the_o lord_n 9_o be_v it_o not_o thy_o daily_a grief_n that_o both_o thyself_o and_o other_o move_v so_o slow_o in_o this_o work_n to_o see_v man_n lose_v their_o first_o love_n and_o walk_v not_o so_o right_o and_o faithful_o with_o christ_n as_o former_o be_v not_o this_o thy_o daily_a grief_n and_o burden_n and_o that_o which_o sometime_o even_o overwhelm_v thy_o spirit_n 10_o o_o my_o soul_n do_v thou_o not_o desire_v continual_o to_o bless_v the_o lord_n that_o he_o have_v make_v thou_o his_o servant_n to_o serve_v he_o in_o any_o work_n for_o what_o be_v thou_o that_o the_o lord_n shall_v choose_v thou_o out_o to_o be_v his_o servant_n when_o he_o may_v have_v take_v other_o that_o may_v have_v do_v more_o service_n yea_o do_v not_o thou_o bless_v the_o lord_n o_o my_o soul_n more_o in_a that_o he_o have_v make_v thou_o his_o servant_n then_o that_o he_o have_v give_v thou_o riches_n or_o honour_n or_o esteem_v in_o the_o world_n be_v these_o any_o thing_n in_o thy_o eye_n in_o comparison_n of_o be_v make_v his_o servant_n do_v not_o the_o lord_n bring_v thou_o to_o that_o pass_n before_o he_o appear_v in_o way_n of_o comfort_n to_o thou_o to_o make_v thou_o beg_v of_o he_o upon_o thy_o knee_n that_o thou_o may_v but_o be_v make_v a_o servant_n of_o he_o whatever_o else_o thou_o underwente_v though_o thou_o shall_v be_v make_v as_o the_o offscouring_a of_o all_o thing_n or_o force_v to_o beg_v thy_o bread_n in_o this_o world_n yet_o that_o thou_o may_v but_o be_v his_o servant_n 11_o o_o my_o soul_n may_v thou_o not_o say_v that_o infirmity_n be_v more_o afflictive_a because_o impediment_n in_o the_o service_n of_o christ_n then_o because_o they_o be_v affliction_n upon_o thou_o be_v thou_o not_o more_o trouble_v when_o sick_a weak_a in_o body_n mind_n or_o understanding_n because_o these_o unfit_a thou_o for_o the_o service_n of_o christ_n then_o because_o weak_a sick_a or_o low_a in_o esteem_n of_o other_o lord_n thou_o know_v there_o be_v much_o tremble_n upon_o my_o spirit_n about_o this_o whether_o i_o may_v say_v this_o before_o thou_o or_o no_o but_o if_o it_o be_v not_o thus_o with_o i_o o_o lord_n i_o beg_v of_o thou_o to_o work_v this_o frame_n in_o i_o for_o it_o be_v that_o i_o desire_v to_o press_v after_o daily_o and_o be_o grieve_v that_o i_o be_o no_o more_o clear_a in_o yet_o methinks_v sometime_o it_o be_v in_o some_o measure_n evident_a to_o my_o soul_n that_o the_o defect_n that_o accompany_v my_o service_n be_v more_o grievous_a and_o burdensome_a to_o i_o than_o the_o want_n of_o success_n of_o comfort_n though_o sometime_o i_o be_o quite_o dark_a as_o to_o the_o clear_n of_o this_o
that_o i_o may_v thereby_o be_v change_v more_o into_o his_o own_o image_n the_o 2._o day_n of_o the_o 2._o month_n be_v this_o morning_n in_o some_o measure_n make_v sensible_a of_o my_o own_o deadness_n and_o dulness_n to_o the_o thing_n of_o god_n and_o barrenness_n and_o unprofitableness_n under_o all_o the_o mean_n of_o grace_n i_o apprehend_v it_o very_o righteous_a with_o the_o lord_n to_o deal_v with_o i_o according_a to_o my_o desert_n and_o not_o to_o manifest_v any_o thing_n to_o my_o soul_n yet_o press_v he_o much_o though_o i_o deserve_v the_o contrary_a yet_o for_o his_o own_o name_n sake_n and_o for_o my_o lord_n jesus_n sake_n to_o be_v please_v to_o appear_v to_o my_o poor_a soul_n and_o let_v i_o have_v some_o sight_n of_o himself_o tell_v he_o that_o he_o have_v glorious_o appear_v former_o to_o my_o soul_n and_o he_o be_v the_o same_o still_o and_o o_o that_o he_o will_v now_o break_v through_o and_o give_v i_o a_o sweet_a kiss_n from_o himself_o and_o how_o glorious_o do_v the_o lord_n this_o day_n condesend_v and_o bow_v down_o to_o the_o desire_n of_o his_o poor_a unworthy_a worm_n through_o that_o servant_n of_o his_o mr._n bramble_n by_o who_o and_o through_o who_o many_o seasonable_a truth_n be_v hint_v to_o my_o spirit_n both_o in_o way_n of_o further_a revive_n of_o my_o deadness_n and_o dulness_n and_o in_o way_n of_o comfort_n and_o direction_n for_o which_o o_o that_o i_o can_v indeed_o bless_v and_o praise_v the_o name_n of_o this_o my_o glorious_a god_n the_o three_o day_n of_o the_o second_o month._n have_v extreme_a desire_n to_o go_v and_o hear_v mr._n cradock_n the_o next_o day_n i_o tell_v my_o mother_n over_o night_n persuade_v she_o to_o it_o she_o have_v very_o urgent_a occasion_n but_o at_o last_o prevail_v i_o find_v myself_o very_o much_o distemper_v next_o morning_n with_o a_o great_a cold_a which_o i_o have_v get_v notwithstanding_o which_o i_o get_v up_o but_o before_o i_o be_v quite_o dress_v i_o have_v such_o a_o stitch_n take_v i_o in_o my_o back_n in_o such_o a_o extreme_a manner_n that_o i_o know_v not_o how_o to_o lean_v any_o way_n it_o be_v in_o such_o a_o extreme_a manner_n which_o hold_v i_o for_o the_o space_n of_o two_o hour_n continual_o almost_o until_o it_o be_v full_a time_n to_o go_v in_o all_o which_o time_n i_o reason_v still_o with_o myself_o what_o i_o shall_v do_v fear_v i_o shall_v not_o hold_v out_o that_o journey_n nor_o be_v able_a when_o i_o be_v there_o to_o sit_v to_o hear_v because_o of_o it_o yet_o at_o last_o have_v have_v such_o experience_n of_o god_n former_o i_o do_v desire_v now_o to_o rol_v upon_o he_o &_o betake_v i_o to_o some_o short_a desire_n to_o he_o beseech_v he_o if_o he_o see_v it_o good_a to_o give_v i_o so_o much_o inward_a and_o outward_a strength_n as_o might_n at_o this_o time_n enable_v i_o to_o honour_n and_o glorify_v he_o earnest_o beg_v his_o appearance_n to_o my_o soul_n quicken_a and_o raise_v it_o conform_v it_o more_o to_o himself_o with_o many_o other_o desire_v relate_v to_o my_o spiritual_a condition_n and_o how_o seasonable_o do_v the_o lord_n come_v in_o this_o day_n through_o mr._n cradock_n ministry_n both_o convey_n of_o counsel_n caution_n and_o comfort_n the_o comfort_n be_v from_o rom._n 8._o 32._o and_o for_o the_o stitch_n and_o pain_n in_o my_o back_n i_o bless_v the_o lord_n it_o go_v so_o away_o that_o i_o feel_v it_o not_o all_o that_o while_o i_o be_v abroad_o but_o do_v as_o it_o be_v quite_o forget_v that_o it_o trouble_v i_o that_o day_n so_o do_v the_o lord_n appear_v to_o my_o body_n also_o many_o bless_a sight_n the_o lord_n give_v i_o also_o this_o day_n through_o that_o servant_n of_o he_o mrs._n blackborn_n who_o i_o meet_v at_o james_n hear_v mr._n cradock_n who_o come_v home_o with_o we_o and_o relate_v much_o to_o i_o how_o it_o be_v with_o mr._n cradock_n how_o sad_a his_o temptation_n be_v which_o come_v most_o seasonable_o to_o my_o consideration_n to_o take_v i_o off_o from_o rash_a thought_n i_o be_v ready_a to_o take_v up_o but_o the_o day_n before_o concern_v other_o still_o many_o other_o seasonable_a thing_n she_o hint_v to_o i_o of_o the_o fear_n that_o often_o be_v upon_o her_o spirit_n touch_v self-end_n fear_v that_o she_o may_v desire_v beg_v for_o and_o seek_v after_o good_a thing_n and_o yet_o all_o but_o out_o of_o self-end_n complain_v of_o the_o strife_n she_o find_v oftentimes_o between_o her_o judgement_n and_o affection_n yet_o be_v draw_v out_o to_o bless_v god_n for_o deny_v of_o she_o that_o which_o at_o the_o very_a present_a her_o affection_n run_v out_o after_o all_o which_o jealousy_n and_o fear_n lie_v sad_o upon_o my_o own_o spirit_n hear_v she_o that_o be_v such_o a_o ancient_a christian_a complain_v also_o of_o the_o same_o be_v to_o i_o a_o little_a refreshment_n some_o scatter_a meditation_n the_o second_o month._n 1654._o consider_v the_o vanity_n of_o all_o creature_n compare_v with_o the_o lord_n what_o be_v there_o in_o the_o creature_n desirable_a the_o best_a of_o man_n which_o be_v the_o best_a of_o creature_n be_v nothing_o else_o then_o vanity_n they_o be_v but_o a_o shadow_n compare_v with_o the_o substance_n nay_o they_o be_v but_o dark_a shadow_n now_o what_o wise_a creature_n be_v take_v much_o with_o a_o shadow_n what_o be_v there_o in_o creature_n the_o best_a of_o creature_n man_n himself_n that_o be_v desirable_a as_o for_o beauty_n that_o be_v vanity_n of_o vanity_n the_o rare_a thing_n in_o this_o vanity_n shall_v no_o way_n take_v upon_o a_o gracious_a spirit_n that_o be_v raise_v up_o to_o high_a thing_n but_o to_o go_v to_o the_o utmost_a height_n the_o best_a thing_n and_o most_o desirable_a in_o the_o best_a of_o man_n be_v their_o resemblance_n of_o or_o likeness_n unto_o the_o lord_n yet_o in_o this_o they_o be_v but_o like_a unto_o picture_n yea_o dark_a one_o now_o who_o will_v be_v much_o take_v with_o the_o picture_n that_o may_v at_o the_o same_o time_n enjoy_v the_o thing_n that_o be_v picture_v yet_o some_o picture_n make_v by_o the_o hand_n of_o man_n may_v in_o appearance_n far_o excel_v in_o beauty_n and_o loveliness_n the_o thing_n picture_v and_o herein_o the_o best_a of_o creature_n be_v but_o dark_a dead_a low_a resemblance_n yea_o very_a poor_a one_o of_o the_o eternal_a god_n picture_n be_v often_o desire_v because_o of_o the_o fade_a uncertain_a enjoyment_n of_o the_o thing_n picture_v which_o often_o time_n fade_v before_o the_o picture_n but_o what_o creature_n come_v near_o to_o the_o representation_n of_o god_n the_o picture_n quick_o fade_v and_o die_v but_o the_o substance_n be_v eternal_a who_o then_o will_v desire_v or_o be_v overmuch_o take_v with_o such_o a_o picture_n that_o perhaps_o seem_v fair_a to_o day_n but_o fade_v to_o morrow_n which_o be_v the_o condition_n of_o all_o finite_a creature_n but_o that_o infinite_a god_n be_v a_o everlasting_a father_n the_o lord_n jesus_n a_o everliving_a interceder_n and_o the_o spirit_n of_o truth_n a_o abide_a comforter_n yea_o in_o every_o relation_n wherein_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o manifest_v himself_o he_o be_v that_o to_o he_o to_o all_o eternity_n yea_o as_o picture_n be_v poor_a dead_a useless_a thing_n in_o comparison_n of_o the_o person_n they_o resemble_v only_o a_o delight_v the_o eye_n such_o be_v the_o very_o best_a of_o creature_n compare_v with_o the_o lord_n can_v they_o speak_v if_o he_o be_v silent_a can_v they_o effect_v aught_o if_o he_o withdraw_v can_v they_o smile_v if_o he_o frown_v can_v they_o refresh_v if_o he_o rebuke_v can_v they_o heal_v if_o he_o wound_v can_v they_o raise_v up_o if_o he_o cast_v down_o there_o be_v neither_o any_o life_n or_o motion_n in_o they_o separate_v from_o he_o they_o have_v eye_n but_o see_v not_o ear_n but_o hear_v not_o hands_z but_o act_n not_o foot_n but_o walk_v not_o tongue_n but_o speak_v not_o to_o any_o spiritual_a advantage_n unless_o he_o that_o be_v the_o life_n of_o their_o life_n put_v life_n into_o all_o these_o and_o when_o he_o have_v do_v act_n in_o through_z by_o and_o with_o they_o the_o ten_o day_n of_o the_o second_o month._n the_o lord_n have_v be_v please_v to_o hint_n out_o to_o i_o by_o mr._n bramble_n the_o 9th_o of_o the_o second_o month_n 1654._o that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v oftentimes_o in_o mercy_n to_o appoint_v some_o wearisome_a night_n and_o day_n to_o his_o people_n wherein_o they_o can_v not_o take_v any_o rest_n that_o so_o they_o may_v call_v their_o own_o heart_n to_o a_o account_n serious_o before_o the_o lord_n and_o the_o like_a which_o i_o ponder_v upon_o and_o think_v with_o myself_o how_o eminent_a the_o lord_n have_v appear_v to_o my_o
hypocrite_n or_o afraid_a to_o hear_v what_o conscience_n say_v oh_o how_o sweet_o be_v this_o truth_n improve_v this_o day_n by_o application_n as_o first_o to_o teach_v we_o to_o admire_v the_o goodness_n of_o god_n in_o place_v such_o a_o witness_n in_o every_o man_n bosom_n yea_o how_o good_a it_o be_v for_o the_o saint_n that_o this_o be_v set_v up_o in_o wicked_a man_n for_o some_o time_n there_o be_v action_n do_v by_o wicked_a man_n against_o god_n people_n that_o there_o be_v no_o winess_n but_o their_o own_o conscience_n which_o testify_v against_o they_o of_o all_o their_o hard_a speech_n and_o thought_n and_o word_n and_o the_o like_a yea_o how_o good_a be_v it_o for_o the_o saint_n also_o in_o this_o for_o have_v they_o not_o this_o witness_n in_o themselves_o how_o bitter_a will_v the_o reproach_n of_o the_o world_n be_v to_o they_o we_o be_v exhort_v to_o take_v heed_n how_o we_o walk_v towards_o conscience_n it_o be_v by_o god_n set_v as_o a_o watch_n over_o we_o oh_o than_o take_v heed_n that_o we_o withdraw_v not_o from_o it_o nay_o it_o be_v true_a it_o will_v follow_v you_o but_o labour_n to_o keep_v it_o in_o your_o sight_n and_o when_o you_o be_v to_o do_v any_o civil_a or_o religious_a work_n call_v it_o in_o and_o say_v conscience_n what_o say_v thou_o to_o this_o or_o that_o action_n be_v it_o according_a to_o the_o will_n and_o mind_n of_o god_n and_o give_v it_o leave_v to_o speak_v out_o yea_o and_o give_v time_n also_o for_o oftentimes_o the_o affair_n of_o the_o world_n hinder_v that_o conscience_n have_v not_o time_n to_o speak_v its_o mind_n 2_o to_o take_v heed_n we_o grieve_v it_o not_o for_o its_o complaint_n will_v be_v hear_v in_o heaven_n therefore_o take_v heed_n of_o do_v any_o thing_n against_o conscience_n 3._o awe_o it_o as_o a_o judge_n and_o be_v content_a to_o be_v judge_v by_o it_o in_o all_o you_o do_v for_o it_o will_v be_v your_o judge_n another_o day_n and_o will_v be_v a_o immortal_a witness_n either_o in_o point_n of_o comfort_n or_o terror_n oh_o therefore_o awe_v it_o 1._o do_v you_o take_v of_o heed_n of_o slight_a conscience_n or_o its_o testimony_n for_o therein_o you_o commit_v great_a injury_n to_o god_n it_o be_v his_o ambassador_n and_o by_o he_o set_v in_o you_o 2._o it_o be_v great_a folly_n also_o to_o stop_v its_o mouth_n for_o 1._o all_o your_o hinder_v it_o or_o endeavour_v to_o do_v so_o will_v but_o prove_v a_o aggravation_n of_o its_o witness_n another_o day_n against_o you_o than_o it_o will_v tell_v you_o that_o it_o will_v have_v speak_v plain_o to_o you_o such_o and_o such_o a_o time_n but_o you_o will_v not_o hear_v you_o be_v so_o busy_a in_o the_o world_n or_o the_o like_a the_o reason_n why_o saint_n do_v no_o more_o rejoice_v be_v because_o they_o walk_v no_o more_o in_o the_o testimony_n of_o their_o own_o conscience_n we_o be_v also_o exhort_v in_o the_o conclusion_n to_o be_v very_o tender_a of_o do_v any_o thing_n without_o a_o solemn_a court_n of_o conscience_n rashness_n be_v the_o worst_a evil_n conscience_n be_v god_n witness_n let_v it_o be_v you_o give_v it_o full_a liberty_n therefore_o to_o speak_v and_o say_v all_o it_o can_v ask_v it_o again_o and_o again_o what_o it_o say_v to_o this_o and_o that_o action_n and_o may_v be_v it_o will_v give_v thou_o that_o testimony_n that_o through_o rashness_n and_o hastiness_n it_o have_v not_o time_n to_o speak_v or_o thou_o to_o hear_v it_o oh_o what_o sensible_a hint_n be_v these_o to_o my_o poor_a soul_n if_o the_o lord_n will_v but_o please_v to_o bless_v they_o effectual_o to_o i_o and_o help_v i_o to_o put_v they_o in_o practice_n daily_a the_o lord_n have_v see_v meet_a to_o call_v our_o brother_n Ê‹ilet_n ont_fw-fr of_o this_o world_n i_o hear_v that_o he_o be_v to_o be_v bury_v at_o fulham_n this_o afternoon_n and_o our_o pastor_n to_o preach_v which_o occasion_v i_o great_o to_o desire_v to_o hear_v he_o which_o also_o i_o do_v though_o it_o be_v exceed_v late_o at_o which_o time_n he_o speak_v from_o 1_o joh._n 3._o 2._o now_o be_v we_o the_o son_n of_o â—od_a but_o it_o do_v not_o yet_o appear_v what_o we_o shall_v be_v etc._n etc._n from_o which_o there_o be_v most_o seasonable_a bless_a truth_n hint_v to_o my_o soul_n that_o which_o he_o press_v be_v that_o what_o the_o saint_n shall_v be_v it_o do_v not_o appear_v then_o he_o show_v it_o do_v not_o appear_v first_o to_o the_o saint_n themselves_o 1._o because_o of_o the_o little_a light_n the_o saint_n have_v of_o this_o glory_n nay_o if_o god_n shall_v reveal_v more_o they_o can_v not_o bear_v it_o in_o this_o state_n 2._o in_o regard_n of_o our_o not_z improvement_n of_o the_o discovery_n make_v of_o our_o future_a estate_n 3._o because_o their_o present_a estate_n be_v compass_v with_o sin_n and_o affliction_n both_o which_o do_v obstruct_v the_o sight_n of_o this_o glory_n but_o more_o particular_o the_o reason_n why_o it_o do_v not_o appear_v he_o show_v be_v these_o 1._o from_o the_o many_o diversion_n of_o the_o spirit_n of_o saint_n that_o turn_v they_o aside_o from_o behold_v their_o glory_n to_o come_v how_o do_v the_o toy_n and_o bauble_n of_o this_o world_n divert_v they_o from_o behold_v of_o this_o and_o so_o their_o estate_n do_v not_o appear_v to_o they_o 2._o it_o come_v from_o inconstancy_n of_o spirit_n because_o their_o heart_n do_v not_o dwell_v on_o those_o thing_n no_o man_n be_v excellent_a in_o that_o his_o heart_n and_o thought_n dwell_v not_o upon_o so_o here_o 3._o from_o the_o weakness_n of_o our_o faith_n for_o we_o live_v now_o by_o faith_n but_o when_o christ_n shall_v appear_v than_o you_o shall_v live_v by_o sight_n so_o that_o while_o you_o be_v here_o your_o sight_n be_v according_a to_o your_o faith_n if_o your_o faith_n be_v right_a and_o straight_o like_o stephens_n then_o have_v you_o a_o strong_a sight_n of_o glory_n 4._o it_o appear_v not_o from_o the_o remainder_n of_o corruption_n that_o abide_v in_o we_o every_o sin_n veil_v the_o sight_n of_o this_o glory_n 5._o god_n himself_o be_v please_v sometime_o to_o exercise_v his_o saint_n not_o only_o under_o darkness_n in_o the_o sight_n of_o their_o future_a estate_n but_o also_o of_o their_o present_a estate_n and_o so_o they_o walk_v in_o the_o dark_a and_o this_o god_n do_v for_o high_a and_o holy_a end_n and_o give_v great_a instruction_n through_o it_o no_o his_o saint_n to_o look_v up_o to_o he_o for_o life_n and_o wait_v on_o he_o for_o the_o manifestation_n of_o his_o love_n and_o their_o future_a estate_n and_o to_o make_v they_o see_v that_o it_o flow_v from_o nothing_o in_o they_o but_o from_o he_o only_o eternal_a life_n be_v not_o only_o the_o gift_n of_o god_n but_o even_o the_o light_n whereby_o we_o see_v it_o 2._o this_o glory_n appear_v not_o to_o the_o world_n also_o and_o that_o 1._o because_o the_o world_n see_v only_o the_o outside_n of_o a_o godly_a man_n his_o shell_n but_o they_o see_v not_o the_o glory_n of_o his_o inside_n they_o see_v their_o poverty_n and_o contempt_n and_o reproach_n etc._n etc._n but_o they_o see_v not_o the_o glorious_a work_n of_o god_n on_o their_o soul_n or_o operation_n of_o his_o spirit_n in_o they_o 2_o it_o appear_v not_o to_o the_o world_n because_o the_o saint_n have_v their_o cloud_n upon_o they_o the_o best_a have_v their_o infirmity_n and_o these_o the_o world_n look_v most_o upon_o wicked_a man_n be_v blind_a and_o can_v see_v for_o spiritual_a thing_n must_v be_v spiritual_o discern_v because_o many_o time_n there_o be_v difference_n among_o the_o saint_n themselves_o and_o this_o darken_v their_o glory_n to_o the_o world_n who_o see_v they_o dispute_v about_o religion_n and_o the_o like_a the_o world_n judge_v of_o their_o future_a estate_n by_o their_o present_a condition_n if_o man_n flourish_v here_o than_o they_o judge_v well_o of_o they_o if_o they_o lie_v under_o trouble_n they_o judge_v they_o hate_v of_o god_n and_o thus_o god_n suffer_v this_o darkness_n about_o their_o future_a estate_n to_o humble_v his_o saint_n and_o make_v they_o cry_v to_o he_o for_o light_n to_o manifest_v the_o sincerity_n of_o the_o saint_n to_o set_v they_o a_o longing_n after_o eternity_n where_o they_o shall_v have_v full_a and_o clear_a sight_n to_o make_v glory_n appear_v glory_n indeed_o if_o the_o glitter_a here_o be_v glorious_a what_o shall_v the_o full_a be_v that_o it_o appear_v not_o be_v out_o of_o just_a judgement_n from_o god_n to_o this_o wicked_a world_n who_o do_v hate_n and_o contemn_v they_o therefore_o god_n will_v not_o let_v they_o see_v their_o glory_n they_o shall_v only_o know_v it_o by_o feel_v the_o contrary_a and_o the_o want_n of_o it_o there_o