this thing the Lord brought to my remembrance Rom. 7. ult With my mind I my self serve the Law of God but with my flesh the Law of sin This Scripture was a great stay and satisfaction to me and took off that which was my chief fear There is no doubt but Paul was the Servant of Christ yet he sayeth I my self with the flesh serve the Law of Sin Evidences of the pardon of my sin Aug. 12. 1666. being under the sense of many sins I considered with my self what grounds and evidences I had for the pardon of my sins And was satisfied from these Scriptures Acts. 10. 43. To him give all the prophets Witness that through his name whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins I found that through grace I did believe in Christ 1 Joh. 1. 9. If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness I saw here that Gods justice and faithfulness stand engaged to forgive their Sins who make confession of them which God had given me an heart to do Isa 1. 16 17 18 19. These persons to whom this promise was made had sinned against great mercies ver 2. and great judgments v. 5. and other circumstances did aggravate their sins yet God promiseth to forgive their Scarlet and Crimson-sins if they were willing to repent and obey the Lord. If ye be willing and obedient And through grace I found I was willing to obey Gods voice to cease to do evil and to learn to do well Hebr. 8. 10. 12. The promise of remission of sins is part of the new Covenant and I find that God hath made this Covenant with me from Isa 55. 3. where the condition of the Covenant is coming unto Christ to which God hath enabled me Dec. 30. Having left the prevalency of sin and found sin not only Warring against but leading me Captive which made me question my pardon I was enabled to rest upon God for forgiveness of my sin from Ps 65. 3. Iniquities prevail against me As for our transgressions thou shalt purge them away By purging is meant 1. pardoning Heb. 1. 3. Ps 51. 7. 2. Subduing and Destroying sin Isa 27. 9. 2 Tim. 2. 21. So that David when he felt sin prevailing and not only one sin but several Iniquities in the plural number prevail did yet rest upon God both for the pardon and the Subduing of his sins and what David did I may and ought to do Rom. 7. 23 24 25. when the Apostle found sin working and warring and leading him captive yet he hangs upon Christ and blesseth God for Christ and believeth he should be delivered from the guilt and power of his sins by Jesus Christ When the filthiness of my sins made me afraid that God would not pardon because I had such vile affections and such filthy motions in my heart God comforted me with that word Ezek. 36. 25. I will sprinkle clean water upon you and ye shall be clean from all your filthiness and I will cleanse you v. 29. I will save you from all your uncleannesses And from Act. 13. 38 39. the promise is to all that believe and here is promised Justification from all things So as no sin no circumstance in any sin shall be charged upon any believer to his condemnation Jul. 14. 1667. Having found my heart departing from God in a very treacherous manner this did cloud my Evidence of pardon but after prayer I was confirmed in the belief of the forgiveness of my sin from Jer. 3. 2 20 22. Here I saw that though the Jews had voluntarily without any enticing Temptation prostituted themselves to sin v. 2. and though they had in a Treacherous manner departed from God after he had taken them into a Conjugal Relation with himself v. 20. Yet he promiseth upon their return to heal their backslidings My Faith was further established by considering that remission of sin was promised to me in the Covenant which Covenant should never be removed from me Isa 54. 9 10. Also Dan. 9. 9. When God had once and again cleared up to my Soul the Pardon of my sins I considered with my self what duties this mercy called for And I saw 1. This should make me thankful Psal 103. 1 2 3. 2. It should make me admire God Mic. 7. 18 19. 3. It should make me more fearful of offending God Ps 130. 4. 85. 8. 4. It should make me Love God much Luke 7. 42 43 47. 5. It should make me glorifie God and let him have the Dominion over my Soul Rev. 1. 5 6. 6. It should make me cheerful and encourage me in all the troubles of this present life Mat. 9. 2. Isa 33. ult 7. It should oblige me to forgive others Eph. 4 32. Col. 3. 13. 8. It should make me willing to be employed in any Service for God Isa 6. 7 8. Evidences of my Interest in and Vnion with Jesus Christ 1. Faith in Christ Joh. 17. 20 21. Christ prayeth that all that believe in him through the Word may be one in him and the Father always heareth him Joh. 11. 42. Now I find blessed be God that through the Word I do believe in Christ 2. Effectual Calling 1 Cor. 1. 9. 26. 30. God is faithful by whom ye were called Ye see your calling Ye are in Christ Jesus Now through mercy I find God hath called me out of darkness into his marvellous light he hath called me to the knowledge and Faith of Christ 3. Walking after the Spirit and not after the Flesh Rom. 8. 1. It is not said they that are in Christ have no flesh in them but they walk not after the flesh 4. Christs giving us his Spirit is an evidence that he abideth in us 1 Joh. 3. 24. Now I find by the fruits of the Spirit mentioned Gal. 5. 22 23. that God hath given me his Spirit and also by my being able to cry Abba Father Gal. 4. 6. 5. Crucifying the flesh with the affections and lusts thereof Gal. 5. 24. that is our corrupt nature with the works thereof mentioned v. 19 20 21. The flesh and lusts thereof is Crucified when so subdued that it doth not reign Rom. 6. 6. which I find blessed be God 6. Keeping Christs word 1 Joh. 2. 5. which I desire and endeavour The Comfort and Priviledge flowing from hence is that I am 1. Free from Condemnation Rom. 8. 1. 2. Assured of Glory Col. 1. 27. 1 Joh. 5. 12. 3. Interessed in Christs Wisdom Righteousness Sanctification and Redemption 1. Cor. 1. 30. 4. Interessed in all Spiritual and Heavenly blessings Eph. 1. 3. 5. Compleat in him though imperfect in my self Col. 2. 10. Evidences that God is my God 1. My being in Covenant with God Wherein the great blessing promised is that God will be our God Heb. 8. 10. and my being in Covenant is evidenced to my Soul by my coming to and closing with Christ the Mediator of
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 OR The true Dignity of St. Paul's ELDER Exemplified in the LIFE Of that Reverend Holy Zealous and Faithful Servant and Minister of Jesus Christ Mr. Owen Stockton M. A. Sometimes Fellow of Gonvile and Caius Colledge in Cambridge and afterward Preacher of Gods Word at Colchester in Essex WITH A Collection of his Observations Experiences and Evidences Recorded by his own hand To which is added his FUNERAL SERMON By John Fairfax M. A. Sometimes Fellow of C. C. C. in C. and afterward Rector of Barking in Suffolk Heb. 11. 4. He being dead yet speaketh London Printed by H. H. for Tho. Parkhurst at the Sign of the Bible and Three Crowns at the lower end of Cheapside 1681. To the Worthily Honoured and Eminently Religious the Lady Brook of Cockfield-Hall in Suffolk MADAM HAving no Foundation whereon to raise an Ambition of publick Notice my Pen was never touched with the Itch of Writing That this once I venture abroad is to shew another not my self I am under more than a common obligation to this pious Office to pay due Honour to the dead to build a Prophets Tomb or erect a Pillar upon his Grave that he may not be Buried in utter oblivion with men who hath the promise of everlasting remembrance with God When worthy and desirable persons are removed out of oursight it is some satisfaction to have their Pictures before our eyes This is the design of these sheets And had the Pencils Art born proportion to the Subjects worth I had almost said here had been expressed as rare a piece in Grace as was Absalom in Nature But the defects to be complained of in the Face and pardoned are abundantly recompensed with the true Portraicture of the inward Vitals the very heart and Soul drawn to the Life by his own hand that only could Wherein if some shall say they see nothing excellent and shall despise others I doubt not will be able to reply as he in a like Case If you saw with my eyes you would commend That this Dead is here proposed to publick view is to gratifie the desire and to contribute to the instruction that I say not the reproof of the Living Happy are many Souls who have enjoyed the Priviledge of the lively voice of this great Instrument of God He is not to be numbred among those of whom it is said Let them be silent in the Grave Who then knoweth but that being dead he may yet speak effectually whose Living Tongue was as choice Silver and whose Lips fed many The Spiritual workings of his heart and Converse of his Soul with God was a secret between God and himself wherewith a stranger did not intermeddle which he no more than others in like Case had the freedom generally to Communicate That God put it into his heart to Record it is no improbable Argument that God as well as himself intended its usefulness not only to himself but others also when once Death should give a liberty to the Secrets of his heart to be made manifest Madam The great Respect and Honour which your Ladyship hath always Cordially had and freely expressed to the Faithful Ministers of Christ hath at once both obliged and encouraged me to prefix your worthy Name to the Memorial of this deceased Prophet Of whom I am not at all suspicious lest your Ladyship should be ashamed He who hath been a more than ordinary burning and shining Light amidst his Generation and is now a Star of the greater Magnitude amidst the Spirits of just men made perfect can cast no dark Reflections upon that true Honour your Ladyship obtains with all that know you which in your own great Judgment is valued as it is of God and not of men I shall not wonder if those who are strangers to the Holy Spirit shall find no delightful satisfaction in reading these Spiritual exercises and experiences or who are Enemies shall censure them as Phanatick fancies which indeed can never be well understood without some measure of that Diviner Learning whose method is Tast and see I have therefore chosen humbly to offer this to your Ladyship who is of full Age and by reason of use have senses exercised to discern both Good and Evil in whose hands it will be secure and fear no Contempt I have reason to believe that in reading the practice of the Life and workings of the heart of this now Glorified Saint your Ladyship reflecting on your self will find cause to say Face answereth to Face and Heart to Heart Which I hope may contribute somewhat to your joy and Confidence before him who fashioneth his Childrens hearts alike in stamping the same his Image upon them all It hath pleased God in his holy and wise Providence to make your Ladyship an instance of many and sharp Trials yet withal of much Grace by the power whereof you have endured with most Christian and Exemplary Faith and Patience The last Enemy is yet before you to be expected and Encountred which considering your Ladyships years seemeth to be approaching But behold it is here presented as Disarmed and Conquered and so less formidable And I doubt not but your Ladyship liveth in the Comfortable prospect of that Blessed day when all your Conflicts shall be Crowned with Victory and Triumph over Death in Communion with the Prince of Life Madam I have yet to add that I have gladly taken this occasion to make my publick acknowledgments of the inviolable obligations which your Ladyship hath laid upon me by your singular Bounty exercised as well to my Honoured Father now with God as to my self in our state of Deprivation And here I must joyn with your Ladyship your only surviving Daughter of the many hopeful Children which God had graciously given your Ladyship Madam Mary Brook the true Heiress of your Ladyships great Vertue and Grace As my Pen cannot be silent lest ungrateful so it dares not be fluent lest offensive to that Liberality which would not have the left hand know what the right hand doth I am bound to say Blessed be ye of the Lord who have not left off your kindness to the Living and to the Dead That this may be fruit abounding to your account an Odor of a sweet smell a Sacrifice acceptable and well pleasing to God recompensed at the Resurrection of the Just That your days may yet be multiplied and the Consolations of God be the support and strength of your Age That the Blessings of the Everlasting Covenant may descend and remain to your Posterity from Generation to Generation is and shall be the Prayer of Madam Barking Jun. 1681. Your Ladyships most Humble and bounden Servant and Orator John Fairfax The true Dignity of St. Pauls Elder Exemplified In the Life of Mr. Owen Stockton The Preface IT hath been the vain-glorious practice of some men for the perpetuating of their memories beyond Death and Time to the farthest posterity to engrave their Names in Brass or Marble
Preach in the Afternoon at St. Andrews I had some thoughts of it and motions thereto some time since But now my time for Chapel exercise being expired I took it into serious thoughts and having humbled my Soul for my sins and begged of God that he would settle my mind in this thing and teach me what was his mind therein after pains and searching the Scripture I came to this resolution I was fully persuaded that it was the mind of the Lord that I should also Preach in the Afternoons and that from these Scriptures 2 Tim. 4. 1. 2. I charge the before God be instant in Season and out of Season As we will answer it to Jesus Christ at the day of Judgment we are to take all opportunities to preach his Word I consider here is a fair opportunity put into my hands and therefore I am bound in Conscience not to neglect it 1 Pet. 5. 2. 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 as much as in you lieth feed thy flock So Calvin renders the word 1 Cor. 9. 16. 17. Necessity is laid upon me yea woe is unto me if I preach not the gospel Though I preach the gospel I have nothing to glory of If I do this willingly I have a reward Eccl. 11 6. in the morning sow thy seed and in the evening withhold not thy hand For thou knowest not what shall prosper this or that this seems a clear resolution of the question 1 Cor. 15. 58. always abounding in the work of the Lord. Gal. 6. 10. As we have opportunity let us do good here is a fair opportunity and how it may be taken from me or I from it I know not and therefore hold it my duty to lay hold on it Hereupon I resolved to preach once a fortnight in the Afternoons also and considering my weakness for such a work I was encouraged from Isa 41. 10. and Math. 28. ult Go teach and lo I am with you with you to help and assist you with you to bless your labours and make your work prosperous under your hands Jul. 13. 1656. I began my Afternoons Exercise and entred upon the Doctrine of Repentance I have found God very much with me assisting and enlarging me and blessing my labours to some of my hearers I bless his Name for putting it into my heart Nov 16 I had not so much of the enlivening presence of God in the afternoon as I was wont to have Yet God blessed his word One of the Parish told Mr. J. He thought their Minister knew their hearts and added he was resolved to amend Apr. 21. 1657. I set apart this day to seek God by fasting and prayer to shew me my way and to direct me in a business that had been upon my Spirit nigh half a year which was to preach once a fortnight on the week day at the church where I am placed I engaged the prayers of others also for me in this particular And when I went to the Sacrament I laid the promise before God that he would guide me continually and teach me in the way that I should choose as that which I desire might among others be Sealed up to me Whilst I was thus deliberating with my self what to do I met with this providence Being at Soham to preach the Lecture there I slept that night very disturbedly towards the morning me thought I saw the Lord Jesus Christ in his glory who spake comfortably to me and encouraged me in my work but spake very sad words to another Mr. of Arts that was with me whom I dreamed to be a godly man yet one who was noted for his unwillingness to preach in Town When I awoke I considered with my self what this should mean I considered it was but a dream and so not much to be heeded and again I considered that sometimes God speaks to us in dreams and slumbering upon our beds Job 33. 13. 14. 15. whence I gathered it might be something of encouragement to me In the morning when I was up It fell out in my ordinary course of reading the Scripture to read Act. 18. and when I had read ver 9. 10. and pondered what had befell me in the night I could not but wonder at the Providence of God to cause this Scripture to fall in with my former dream which made me ponder the more upon it I saw God did sometimes speak to his people in a vision I saw the same reason why Paul should Preach viz. because there was much people belonging to the Lord there might be forcible to prevail with me for he enclines a great multitude of people to attend upon me When I had considered of it I resolved to lay this up in my heart and not to slight it though I could not build on it any ground of my undertaking my work Consulting the Scriptures these came into my mind Act. 6. 4. we will give our selves continually to Prayer and to the Ministry of the word where I saw that such as were called of God to preach the word ought to make it their business and give up themselves to it Rom. 1. 1. 14. 15. here I saw that one separated to the Gospel of Christ was a debter bound and should be ready as much as in him lieth Isa 40. 9. O thou that bringest good tidings to Zion get the up into the high mountains lift up thy voice with strength lift it up be not afraid Reading this Scripture in my ordinary course I found it set home with life and power in reference to my present doubt Get the up lift up thy voice It removed the great obstacle of fear What would men say and think of my forwardness Be not afraid I was the more confirmed by considering this Scripture is mainly directed to such as God hath sent to preach the gospel by comparing this Scripture with Isa 52. 7. and Rom. 10. 15. And the Scripture did the more affect me because it was in this manner set home after prayer when I had been seeking God in reference to this doubt Act. 18. 5. Paul was pressed in Spirit and testified hence I saw the Ministers of God may take encouragement to preach the word from inward pressures of Spirit Having these inducements to preach on the week day I set apart as before the 21th of April to seek God by fasting and prayer to direct me what to do Having put up my request to him in the name of Jesus Christ I shall consider what motives I have to it and what dissuasives from it and judge of both according to the Scriptures and do therein as the Lord shall direct me by his word and Spirit ' The Arguments moving to it are these 1. I Find God much enlarging my Meditations so as I am a long while ere I can dispatch the Subject I enter upon whereby I foresee I shall go over but few heads in Divinity while I stay unless I preach oftener And I know not what the meaning of God
witness to him The Widow the Fatherless the Stranger the Sick the Sufferers have all been refreshed from his compassions Though he offered to Preach freely at St James's Church in Colchester on Lords day Mornings as hath been before mentioned not desiring or expecting any reward yet the civility of the people did gratifie him for his pains The greatest part of which I am assured from an hand privy to it he distributed to charitable uses And this I read under his own hand Nov. 1. 1665. I made a Vow to God to give him the tenth of all that he should give unto me the ensuing year That which occasioned me to vow this Vow was the reading Gen. 28. which fell out that morning in my ordinary course where I observed that most of those blessings which Jacob mentions as his inducement to his Vow God had given me He had vouchsafed me his presence he had graciously preserved and kept me from my Enemies and the noysome pestilence he had given me bread and Raiment I added Pro. 3. 9. Honour the Lord with thy Substance and with the first fruits of all thine encrease I Considered also that what I gave to God should be fruit abounding to my account Phil. 4. 17. Math. 25. 34 35 36. I considered which way I should give it to God and I saw from Prov. 19. 17. that what was given to the poor was given to God Especially what was given to the poor Saints and members of Christ Math. 25. 35 40. And as to the Suffering Ministers of Christ I determined to bestow part of what I had dedicated to God on them and that though they were not brought to such extremities as not to know how to Subsist I was moved thereunto by Phil. 4. 10 11 14 18. The Apostle Paul was not in such want but that he knew how to live comfortably and contentedly yet he saith the Philippians did well in Communicating with his afflictions and tells them that their Charity towards him was an odour of a sweet smell a Sacrifice acceptable and well pleasing to God Towards the Church of God in General his indefatigable Labours in Preaching and Writing his frequent Fastings and Humiliations his fervent and wrestling Prayers for the peace of Jerusalem his affectionate sympathizing with her in her Sufferings are the undeniable Testimonies of his Love His own Liberality and stirring up of others thereunto for the Education of such poor Schollars as were hopeful for the work of the Ministry is the effect of the same Principle To which must be added his Last-will and Testament wherein out of pure zeal and Love to the Service and Enlargement of the Church he hath bequeathed the greatest part of his well furnished Library even the choicest and most valuable of his Books to Gonvile and Caius Colledge in Cambridge with five Hundred pounds to be laid out by his Executrix in purchasing a Free-hold Estate or Impropriation to be setled upon the said Colledge for the maintenance of a Schollar and Fellow there successively for ever Providing that such only be Elected thereto as are poor or Orphans or the Sons of poor Ministers of the best and most hopeful parts obliging them to the Study of Divinity and the Ministerial work taking special care that such be well grounded and established in the Orthodox Faith the true Reformed Protestant Religion and in case any such Elected shall become corrupt in Doctrine or Scandalous in life then after due admonition and Non-Reformation his place to be declared void and another to be chosen in his stead and none to enjoy it longer than twelve years Besides which he hath also bequeathed in Case his only Daughter shall die before she shall accomplish the Age of one and twenty years Twenty pounds per Annum to be setled upon the Colledge in New England for the Education of a Converted Indian or any other that will learn the Indian Language to be a Minister and go to Preach the Gospel to the poor Indians Nor was this the first expression of his pious regard to that remote part of the world for when he heard of that wasting Fire that laid so great a part of Boston in N. E. in Ashes he sent thither freely to be distributed among the Sufferers a considerable quantity of his Books Entituled Counsel to the Afflicted which he had wrote upon the occasion of the Burning of London Beyond which he hath also given Twenty five pound to Charitable uses Which bequests he hath made yet with all due respect to his Family not in the least declining from the kindness of an Husband or the tenderness of a Father so ordering his Charity to others as withal securing to his Widow and Fatherless Child not only a necessary and Competent but even a liberal and plentiful Subsistence reserving to them the Rent of what he hath bequeathed to the Colledge during their Natural lives Hitherto the Reader hath had an account of this Eminent Saint given him for the most part from those Acts and Exercises of his life by which he was visible to the discerning and judicious eyes of those that knew him We shall now proceed to give a further account of those his own observations and experiences of himself through which we may look into the very frame and temper the thoughts and affections of his heart some of which he hath thus recorded His Observations and Experiences Jan. 10. 1653. In reading of Calvins Institutions I met with that place in Isa 44. 3. Upon the reading whereof having been the the night before under Conviction of the emptiness and barrenness of my Soul and some despondency of Spirit thereupon I conceived some hope and found my Soul lifted up towards God to wait for and expect the shedding abroad of his Spirit in my Soul seeing he had said he would pour it out upon the dry ground but alas the lively sense of this was but momentany it was soon gone and my old deadness of heart returned upon me Hence I observe that it is of singular use both for the Establishment of true and discerning of false Comforts to see upon what grounds our Souls take in and upon what grounds they let go their Comforts The letting go of our Comforts oftimes proceed from our letting go of the promises When Satan can prevail to beat us off from the promise he will quickly rob us of our Comfort I find that at several times I have been kept under doubts and fears and jealousies and yet have had no Scripture grounds for them so that I perceive they proceedeâ— from Satan darkning my heart and keeping me in unbelief and trouble of Spirit Feb. 16. My Soul being dejected because after long wâ—iting upon God for the fulfilling of his Covenant in giving his Spirit and carrying on the work of Faith and Sanctification with power it had found no sensible in-comes when I was reading the Scripture according to my usual Custom the Lord did rebuke the despondency of
what great need I have and that it is of singular use to watch over my Soul in all its ways both in reference to sin that I fall not into it and when fallen what the Carriage and Actings of my Soul are at such a time Whether I flee for relief to God in Christ or to my own works And in reference to my duties to take heed lest those means which God hath appointed to be the conveyances of himself his Son and Spirit and all Spiritual blessings should prove to me a mean of Death and Separation from God by my formal use of them and resting in them For as Satan keeps some alienated from God by the gross pollutions of the world So others from Christ by their Establishing a Righteousness of their own O Lord break thou this snare for me and let my Soul escape as a bird from the Net that I may flee to thee and be at rest I have observed in my self that when God at any time is pleased to work any thing in my Soul I soon lose it if he quicken me I soon grow dead hearted again if he enliven my affections they soon grow cold and flat and my old hardness returns upon me Hence I come to see that it is infinite Wisdom and Goodness in God that he hath not put the stock of grace into our own hands but hath treasured it up in Christ that our life is now hid with Christ in God for so it becomes sure Rom. 4. 16. hereby also I come to see that I have need of continual recourse to Jesus Christ for new supplies of grace and strength The Lord God in his wisdom was pleased when he delivered his people out of Egypt before he brought them to Canaan to lead them 40 years in the wilderness when as he could have led them a nearer way to Canaan Exod. 13. 17. He chose rather to lead them through the great and terrible Wilderness Jer. 2. 6. where were fiery Serpents and Scorpions and drought where there was no water where he brought them forth water out of the Rock of Flint and fed them with Manna for this end that he might humble them prove them and do them good in the latter end Deut. 8. 15 16. Doest thou find it so O my Soul in thy travail towards the Heavenly Canaan Doest thou walk through much Spiritual drought a land of deserts and of the shadow of death Dost meet with a flinty heart and fiery temptations Know that the Lord doth this to humble thee which through his grace thou hast sometimes found and to prove thee i. e to discover thee to thy self for he himself knows thy thoughts afar off and this way of God through grace hath been a means of discovering much of thy corrupt heart to thee and that he may doe thee good in the latter end Therefore take heed O my Soul of Israel's sins of murmuring against God under thy wants of unbeleif and tempting God c. Read oft and weight well the 78th Psalm May 6. being Sabbath day The Lord was pleased in the hearing of his word to convince me of my sin and lost condition But Lord How unfaithful was I then and have I been since to the Convictions of thy Spirit How soon have I healed up the wound that was given by the word How soon hath an hard heart a secure careless Spirit taken possession of me Lord If ever thy word be effectual in me thou must not only speak it to my heart but write and engraff it there also Henceforth I desire to wait on thee as for the teachings of thy Spirit so for the writing of thy Law in my heart by thy Spirit I found a lothness in my Spirit to go to here this Sermon whereby I perceive Satan would have hindred me Be encouraged hence O my Soul to break through all difficulties thou meetest with in doing thy duty When thou findest any secret unwillingness to ordinances or duties then stir up thy self to wait upon God expecting that he hath some special mercy for thee which Satan would hinder thee off Jun. 1. This day the Lord did in the hearing of his word revive some convictions which have formerly been upon my Spirit though in a very languid manner I stood convinced before the Lord of unbelief and that I was a lost creature because thereof from the words of our Saviour Joh. 3. 18. He that believeth not is Condemned already Conscience tells me that I am yet in unbelief that I want that faith which is accompanied with the new birth Joh. 1. 12 13. that faith which should purge me from Atheism formality and resting in duties from hypocrisie and deadness from unclean affections and inordinate Love of the world from a vain mind and a light Spirit that faith which should purifie my heart from these and the like evils Act. 15. 9. that faith which should make Christ a greater Reality and more precious to me than any thing in the world 1 Pet. 2. 7. that faith which brings peace with God and joy in the Holy Ghost unspeakable and full of Glory Rom. 5. 1. 1 Pet. 1. 8. I find I have had a dead faith Jam. 2. 17 20. and presumed upon Gods Mercy in Christ although I have been estranged from God in my heart and Nature my Resting in duties and trusting in my own Righteousness as far as I can see hath been the deceit of my heart Lord lay this conviction upon my Conscience for I find my heart would put it off yea it hath already desperately hardned it self against thee I fear I shall out-grow this Conviction of thy word as at other times I feel a careless Spirit that would make light of Eternity and of Jesus Christ Lord break my heart under thy word for my unbelief and neglect of Christ Let me not heal my self but wait till thou shalt heal me Thou didst help the unbelief of thy Servant Thomas Oh that thou wouldest help mine also The Lord hath shewn me that I am dead in sin not only from the testimony of his word Eph. 2. 1. Col. 2. 13. but by inward experience For I feel my self alienated from the life of God cut off from communion with the Lord Jesus separate from God and his blessed Spirit My deceitful heart hath often gone about to repel this conviction and hath caused me sometimes to mistake a life of morality for Spiritual life and at other times a life of formality But now I find the Scripture speaks of dead works and calls for repentance from them Heb. 6. 1. and purging our consciences from them Heb. 9. 14. By dead works I understand not only the gross pollutions of the World but all works whatever that are done by a man void of the quickning Spirit of God Without Union to Christ there is no Spiritual life for as the natural life results from the Union of the Soul with the body and the State of death is nothing but the
disunion and Separation of the Soul from the body so our spiritual life results from the Souls Union with Christ and spiritual death is our separation from him Now I feel my self as a poor withered branch cut off from this Vine unacquainted with the actings of this Spiritual life as living by faith Serving God in Spirit Mortifying Sin by the Spirit walking in the Spirit loving God above all things and seeking his Glory in all things I have sometimes Prayed against sin resolving against it striven with it avoided occasions thereto all which a natural man may do but sin hath returned upon me and overcome me How to fetch power from Christs death to mortifie sin how to believe in God for subduing it how to do it by the Spirit these have been mysteries to me Lord When shall the day dawn and the Day-Star arise in my heart When shall the Day-spring from on high visit my Soul to give light to him that sits in darkness and in the shadow of death Come Lord Jesus thou light of life Come quickly That which kept me a long time from resolving to give up my whole heart to God in Covenant was a fear that I should break my Covenant and so double my sin But I perceive since that this was but Satans policy to keep my heart from God and the true ground of my not doing this was not conscienciousness of sin as Satan once made me believe but a loathness to part with all sin and to serve God with all my heart A Strong encouragement thou hast O my Soul to enter Covenant with God to serve him with thy whole heart from that portion of his Word which thou didst read this morning May. 11. 1654. in Jer. 30. 21 22. Who is this that engaged his heart to approach unto me saith the Lord Ye shall be my people and I will be your God Since my Covenanting with God I come to see more fully the truth of that place Rom. 8. 7. The carnal mind is enmity against God is not subject to the Law of God neither indeed can be For I find a Loathness to walk closely with God yea under a profession of Religion my carnal heart hath been at enmity to the power and life of it and this enmity hath lyen hid under and been covered with a performance of some duties which have not been destructive to that evil principle that hath lived in me Yea I find my carnal heart is hungring after the flesh-pots of Egypt after its old delights and sinful pleasures is ready to murmur against God in the wilderness and speaks of returning into Egypt and being impatient of the cross it revolts from God many a time and seeks relief and contentment from the creature Since my Covenanting with God I see more of thee treachery and hypocrisie of my heart I found my Soul for a while more tender of Sin and my heart seemingly engaged to serve the Lord. but I soon forgot the covenant that I had made and in a short space I did not find that my Covenanting had any influence on my heart or life So that I see I did but flatter the Lord with my mouth and lyed unto him with my tongue for my heart was not right with him neither was I stedfast in his Covenant Ps 78. 36 37. My unstedfastness in my Covenant with the Lord did arise as far as I perceive from these two grounds 1. My heart was not right with God when I made it there was not that inward cordial full resolution to part with all Sin and that for ever from an antipathy to it and dislike of it neither that inward resolution of cleaving to God to have him my All in All to take all my contentment and joy in him and to seek it in nothing else which should have been 2. I neglected my watch and did not as I should renew my Covenant often and engage my heart to walk with God and while I was slothful and negligent my heart was stolen away by the Devil and the World and is now in league again with Sin Lord make me upright and clear up to me my Sincerity Search me and try me and let me know the bottom of my heart Keep me upon my watch and guard that I may keep my Covenant Jul. 23. The Lord did awaken my Consience to such a sense of my sin and lost estate in the reading and hearing of his Word that when I went to Prayer I was before him as a lost creature being under wrath and the sentence of death lying in my blood and pollution Now whereas before I found my heart carried out in begging Sanctification I did now cry to God for the blood of Christ to wash away the guilt of my sin I did not before prize Justifying Grace so as now in some weak measure I was made to doe But I soon found an accursed hard heart in a little time I did not tremble at the wrath of God I have laboured to work these convictions upon my heart but I found such a roving heart such a slighty heart so possest with vanity that nothing would abide with it Lord unless thou savest me for thy mercies sake I perish Aug. 6. being Sabbath day In meditation on 1 Joh. 3. 23. This is his commandment that we should believe on the Name of his Son Jesus Christ Considering with my self what this did imply viz. not only a relying upon God in Christ for the remission of Sin but for the pouring out of the Spirit Joh. 7. 38 39. which Spirit when it is given will shed abroad the love of God in our hearts Rom. 5. 5. and seal up the assurance of the remission of our sins and witness our addoption Rom. 8 16. will mortifie sin in us v. 13. and work all the works of God in us and for us all which I want and to which I haven been a long time convinced that I am unable And Considering further that this Spirit is the free gift of God Ps 51. 12. given not according to our works but of free mercy for the sake of Christ Tit. 3. 4. 5 6. And considering further that Jesus Christ had received Gifts of which the Gift of the Spirit is intended even for the rebellious that God might dwell among them Ps 68. 18. I found my heart encouraged to wait upon the Lord for the pouring forth of his Spirit upon me that I might have my heart renewed and sanctified and the remission of my sins sealed up to my Soul Afterwards considering further that the way whereby a poor soul that hath lost Gods image comes to be renewed in heart and mind and made partaker of the divine nature is by faith in the promises 2 Pet. 1. 4. and observing how Isaac who inherits the blessing was not born by the strength of Nature but by promise and as Isaac was born through the promise so are all believers Gal. 4. 28. not of the will of man
to want nor how to abound apt to murmur and repine in Straits and to be lifted up and grow secure in Enlargements O Lord in every Condition I need thy grace to teach me how to behave my self O shew me thy way and lead me therein for thy Name-sake Also the Lord taught me hence that I ought to be patient under his hand when he hideth his Face and to resign up my will to his Will inasmuch as I do not know what is good for my self The Lord seeth I should be worse it may be if I enjoyed more than I do and therefore in wisdom and mercy he keeps me in a low Condition My confusion sometimes hath been so great that I have been so unsetled and at such a loss in my Soul that I knew not what to do all former workings have been questioned and judged as nothing In the hour of such temptation the Lord taught me besides Prayer and searching into my Soul to have recourse to former experiences Psal 77. 10 11. and Psal 85. Octob. 11. In the morning I bewailed it before God that I was still at a loss to know whether I loved him and after Prayer I read 1 Joh. 2 ch and I was made in a more special manner to take notice of v. 5. Whoso keepeth his word in him verily is the love of God perfected Me-thought I saw God Answering my Prayer and telling me out of this word that I loved him In him verily 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 it is a sure sign of Love to God we need not doubt of it if we keep his Word Now if I know my own heart I desire to do so if the Love of God be perfected in him that keeps his Word then surely it is begun in him that desires and endeavours to keep his Word Jan. 25. The Lord helped me with Tears to bewall mine abominations even my Original and actual sins my formality Earthliness alienation from him c. therein he did remember and fulfil that gracious promise Ezek. 36. 31. I found Godly sorrow sweet not only in the root and fountain thereof it being a Covenant blessing but in the very Actings of it Feb. 2. In the Evening upon my Bed the Lord did graciously melt my heart in the sight of sin under this Consideration that it was against infinite Love I was ashamed confounded and abashed because I had so long slighted neglected Rebelled against a God of Love My Soul even trembled at it Jan. 15. 1655. Having been the day before with one under great Temptations and hearing of another under a wounded Spirit my heart was melted in Prayer whilst I was praising God for his long patience in the days of my sinning and his tenderness and gentleness towards me in my Conversion Jan. 16. I found my heart drawn out to a recumbence on Jesus Christ The Spirit saith Come Rev. 22. 17. Christ saith Come Joh. 7. 37. And the Father saith Come Mat. 22. 4. And who am I O Lord that I should gainsay such Invitations Behold O Lord I come and put my trust in thee Jan. 26. I Preached twice and had very gracious assistance much beyond expectation in the week before I was much indisposed and could not get my heart to a setled meditation of what I was to speak I was under a great sense of my impotency and laboured in the fire till Saturday Afternoon when I cried to the Lord he was gracious to me and Answered me After my work was over I was much assaulted with Spiritual Pride I saw plainly the reason of Gods delaying his Assistance and giving me such sense of my weakness was to keep me humble Every way O Lord I see my own vileness when thou withdrawest from me then my heart dieth and my strength fails and I am ready to be froward When thou enlargest me then I am ready to be puffed up Oh pardon and purge away all my sin for thy Names sake Mar. 23. In Singing the 15 th Psalm I found Comfort my Conscience bearing me witness that I laboured after those things which are set down as Characters of a Citizen of the New Jerusalem Sept. 28. I had sweet Meditations upon my Bed I found God in my morning Prayer also in private and assistance in Preaching but not such an influence of the Spirit in publick Prayer as I have sometimes found Yet I had begged of God that he would give me his presence in publick as a token that he accepted of me and my work but he withdrew I feared hereupon that I had tempted God and sinned in begging new signs of his favour when I had had such great experience of his goodness many times before Lord forgive the sin of thy Servant Nov. 23. Examining my self about a work of Grace I had some Comfort from Ps 40. 8. Delight in doing the will of God is an Argument of the Law written in the heart Now I found that I had a delight especially in some duties as visiting the Sick comforting of distressed Consciences c. I was somewhat terrified from that word in Job ch 42. 7. I was afraid least in my Preaching I should sometimes speak those things of God that were not right and soon after going to Prayer I was in time of Prayer comforted from Joh. 16. 13. The Spirit shall guide you into all truth Dec. 7. I found the Lord very much Answering my Prayer in giving very gracious and powerful Assistance both in Prayer and Preaching at Trinity Lecture on Sabbath day I may say as Jaber 1 Chron. 4. 10. who said Oh that thou wouldest bless me indeed and be with me And God granted my request The next morning there came a woman to me and said she was troubled at the Sermon that she could scarce sleep all night for she bad not gone so far as the Scribes and Pharisees and that which added to the mercy was God kept me humble after this enlargement Mar. 31. 1657. I had a very evident Answer of Prayer I was at a pinch for some money I begged of God that I might be supplied and that Afternoon one to whom I had lent a little money brought it me which was enough for my present necessities the Circumstances were very remarkable I sought the Lord also to be with the Parish in the choice of their Church-Wardens and there were those two chosen whom if I had had the Nomination I should have chosen my self Apr. 21. I kept a day of Fast to the Lord. I found God graciously with me in Prayer the chief thing that I propounded was to seek direction as to my Preaching on Week-days Among other things I begged of God a supply of my wants being in some straits for want of money That very night one brought me 10 s. for Preaching a Funeral Sermon which I expected not and the next morning the Church-Wardens of St. Andrews Parish brought me 7 l. and upwards whereby I was sufficiently supplied I could not but take notice of
met with in my course of private reading Ps 19. 13. Keep back thy servant from presumptuous sins let them not have dominion over me Where I considered 1. That David found in his heart a proness to presumptuous sins which made him cry out Keep back thy servant c. 2. He was not without fear or danger lest presumptuous sins should get the dominion over him for he Prays Let them not have dominion 3. When he found it thus with himself he calls himself Gods Servant Keep back thy servant This word coming when my heart had been upon the borders of a presumptuous sin did much affect me Febr. 6. Being a day of Humiliation I was much indisposed to the duties of the day I found my heart unfit to Pray in private and to perform Family exercise The sense of guilt had clouded and bowed down my Soul In the Evening God revived my Soul with Isa 64. 6 7 8. They complained they were all as an unclean thing their righteousness as filthy rags there was a flagging of the Spirit of prayer and this in a time of great Judgments as v. 10 11. Yet they say But now thou O Lord art our Father This suited my condition and encouraged me to believe my relation to God and his to me as my Father though I found my self under the foresaid Distempers I was also supported against my sins with 1 Joh. 2. 24. Let that abide in you which you have heard from the beginning if that which you have heard from the beginning shall remain in you ye shall continue in the Father and the Son By which I was encouraged to hold fast what Instructions Comforts and Supports I had formerly received from God That which ye have heard viz. from the teachings of the Spirit Joh. 6. 45. from the beginning viz. from the time they began to believe in Christ Heb. 3. 14. Nov. 28. 1669. Being Saturday I was visited with a Feaver When I was under the Visitation I looked over my Evidences for Heaven had comfortable hopes of my Salvation from several promises whereby the fear of Death was removed My Life was in hazard many Prayers were put up for me God directed to the timely use of proper means and gave his blessing and restored me to my work on the fourth Lords day as a return to Prayers In my sickness before the danger was probably past in the night season I had very clear and awful apprehensions of the Majesty of God as though I had heard God speaking to me out of Isa 57. 15. I who am the high and lofty one that inhabit Eternity c. and then methought it was said to me Surgite Ministri servi praedicate Evangelium ad Conversionem peccatorum Arise ye Ministers and Servants of God and Preach the Gospel for the Conversion of sinners And afterwards it was said to me You shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord. Fear thou not thou hast born witness to my Name in this place thou shalt bear witness also to my Name where I shall call thee To which my Soul bowed down and I replied Lord I am willing to follow thee if thou shalt satisfie me that thou callest me I could not certainly tell whether I was awake or sleeping or slumbring but the matter being so affecting coherent and coming with some power I laid it up in my heart not knowing but it might be useful to me Jan. 30. 1671. My Treatise of Family Instruction being finished and Published I resolved after several times seeking God and Consulting with my own Soul to set upon composing a Treatise of glorifying God The grounds or reasons inducing me hereunto were 1. The Command given to all persons in all Nations to declare the glory of God 1 Chron. 16. 23 24. I saw here I might lawfully yea it was my duty to do what I could to set forth the glory of God And seeing I was taken off from my publick Preaching I might do it more beneficially by Writing and Printing 2. My Spirit hath been for several years put upon and stirred up to write on this Subject I made a little beginning in the year 1664. but laid it aside and in times of sickness I have found a lothness to die till that work were done and have met with many cross Providences as if sent with a tacit reproof for neglecting this work Now the stirring up the Spirit to a good work is of God and part of Gods call to the work Exod. 36. 2. Ezr. 1. 5. Hagg. 1. 14. 3. I was under many Engagements to glorifie God as 1 st The many and great mercies I have received for my Soul by the Teachings and Consolations of his Spirit and many outward mercies above my other Relations which are engagements to glorifie God Ps 86. 12 13. 2 ly The eminent deliverances I have had from sickness the Pestilence and other troubles Psal 50. 15. 3 ly The wonderful preservation I have had from mine Enemies notwithstanding all the hazards I have run of falling into their hands by Preaching the Gospel at home and abroad which should engage me to extol and glorifie God Psal 30. 1. 4. I did hope for benefit to my own Soul both by being further enlightened into the knowledge and excited to the practice of glorifying God while I was studying to instruct and excite others thereto July 17. 1672. God having opened a door for the free exercise of my Ministry by his Majesties most Gracious Declaration I was desired both at Ipswich and Colchester to Minister to them I had discouragements as from the uncertainty of the times not knowing whether this liberty would continue or a time of trouble and persecution arise the differences and animosities that are among Professors and the enmity that is on the part of the Adversaries I considered of it and had encouragement from the Word thereto as 1 Pet. 5. 2. 4. with vers 7. as also from Josh 1. 9. Joshua had difficult work before him potent Enemies that dwelt in fenced Cities the people with whom he had to do had so exasperated Moses his Spirit by their frequent murmurings that once he cried out to God to be killed out of hand that he might not see his own wretchedness Numb 11. 15. another time he spake so unadvisedly with his lips that he angred God and was shut out of Canaan Joshua might well fear when he was to enter on this work Therefore God speaks four times to him to encourage him Be strong be of good courage c. and gives him two Arguments to encourage him 1 st His Call Have not I Commanded thee 2 ly A promise of his Presence as his God Whence I Obs 1. God will be with his people in all places whithersoever they go 2. The promise of Gods presence may take off all fears arising either from the temper of the people with whom we shall have to do or the difficulty of our work or