this thing the Lord brought to my remembrance Rom. 7. ult With my mind I my self serve the Law of God but with my flesh the Law of sin This Scripture was a great stay and satisfaction to me and took off that which was my chief fear There is no doubt but Paul was the Servant of Christ yet he sayeth I my self with the flesh serve the Law of Sin Evidences of the pardon of my sin Aug. 12. 1666. being under the sense of many sins I considered with my self what grounds and evidences I had for the pardon of my sins And was satisfied from these Scriptures Acts. 10. 43. To him give all the prophets Witness that through his name whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins I found that through grace I did believe in Christ 1 Joh. 1. 9. If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness I saw here that Gods justice and faithfulness stand engaged to forgive their Sins who make confession of them which God had given me an heart to do Isa 1. 16 17 18 19. These persons to whom this promise was made had sinned against great mercies ver 2. and great judgments v. 5. and other circumstances did aggravate their sins yet God promiseth to forgive their Scarlet and Crimson-sins if they were willing to repent and obey the Lord. If ye be willing and obedient And through grace I found I was willing to obey Gods voice to cease to do evil and to learn to do well Hebr. 8. 10. 12. The promise of remission of sins is part of the new Covenant and I find that God hath made this Covenant with me from Isa 55. 3. where the condition of the Covenant is coming unto Christ to which God hath enabled me Dec. 30. Having left the prevalency of sin and found sin not only Warring against but leading me Captive which made me question my pardon I was enabled to rest upon God for forgiveness of my sin from Ps 65. 3. Iniquities prevail against me As for our transgressions thou shalt purge them away By purging is meant 1. pardoning Heb. 1. 3. Ps 51. 7. 2. Subduing and Destroying sin Isa 27. 9. 2 Tim. 2. 21. So that David when he felt sin prevailing and not only one sin but several Iniquities in the plural number prevail did yet rest upon God both for the pardon and the Subduing of his sins and what David did I may and ought to do Rom. 7. 23 24 25. when the Apostle found sin working and warring and leading him captive yet he hangs upon Christ and blesseth God for Christ and believeth he should be delivered from the guilt and power of his sins by Jesus Christ When the filthiness of my sins made me afraid that God would not pardon because I had such vile affections and such filthy motions in my heart God comforted me with that word Ezek. 36. 25. I will sprinkle clean water upon you and ye shall be clean from all your filthiness and I will cleanse you v. 29. I will save you from all your uncleannesses And from Act. 13. 38 39. the promise is to all that believe and here is promised Justification from all things So as no sin no circumstance in any sin shall be charged upon any believer to his condemnation Jul. 14. 1667. Having found my heart departing from God in a very treacherous manner this did cloud my Evidence of pardon but after prayer I was confirmed in the belief of the forgiveness of my sin from Jer. 3. 2 20 22. Here I saw that though the Jews had voluntarily without any enticing Temptation prostituted themselves to sin v. 2. and though they had in a Treacherous manner departed from God after he had taken them into a Conjugal Relation with himself v. 20. Yet he promiseth upon their return to heal their backslidings My Faith was further established by considering that remission of sin was promised to me in the Covenant which Covenant should never be removed from me Isa 54. 9 10. Also Dan. 9. 9. When God had once and again cleared up to my Soul the Pardon of my sins I considered with my self what duties this mercy called for And I saw 1. This should make me thankful Psal 103. 1 2 3. 2. It should make me admire God Mic. 7. 18 19. 3. It should make me more fearful of offending God Ps 130. 4. 85. 8. 4. It should make me Love God much Luke 7. 42 43 47. 5. It should make me glorifie God and let him have the Dominion over my Soul Rev. 1. 5 6. 6. It should make me cheerful and encourage me in all the troubles of this present life Mat. 9. 2. Isa 33. ult 7. It should oblige me to forgive others Eph. 4 32. Col. 3. 13. 8. It should make me willing to be employed in any Service for God Isa 6. 7 8. Evidences of my Interest in and Vnion with Jesus Christ 1. Faith in Christ Joh. 17. 20 21. Christ prayeth that all that believe in him through the Word may be one in him and the Father always heareth him Joh. 11. 42. Now I find blessed be God that through the Word I do believe in Christ 2. Effectual Calling 1 Cor. 1. 9. 26. 30. God is faithful by whom ye were called Ye see your calling Ye are in Christ Jesus Now through mercy I find God hath called me out of darkness into his marvellous light he hath called me to the knowledge and Faith of Christ 3. Walking after the Spirit and not after the Flesh Rom. 8. 1. It is not said they that are in Christ have no flesh in them but they walk not after the flesh 4. Christs giving us his Spirit is an evidence that he abideth in us 1 Joh. 3. 24. Now I find by the fruits of the Spirit mentioned Gal. 5. 22 23. that God hath given me his Spirit and also by my being able to cry Abba Father Gal. 4. 6. 5. Crucifying the flesh with the affections and lusts thereof Gal. 5. 24. that is our corrupt nature with the works thereof mentioned v. 19 20 21. The flesh and lusts thereof is Crucified when so subdued that it doth not reign Rom. 6. 6. which I find blessed be God 6. Keeping Christs word 1 Joh. 2. 5. which I desire and endeavour The Comfort and Priviledge flowing from hence is that I am 1. Free from Condemnation Rom. 8. 1. 2. Assured of Glory Col. 1. 27. 1 Joh. 5. 12. 3. Interessed in Christs Wisdom Righteousness Sanctification and Redemption 1. Cor. 1. 30. 4. Interessed in all Spiritual and Heavenly blessings Eph. 1. 3. 5. Compleat in him though imperfect in my self Col. 2. 10. Evidences that God is my God 1. My being in Covenant with God Wherein the great blessing promised is that God will be our God Heb. 8. 10. and my being in Covenant is evidenced to my Soul by my coming to and closing with Christ the Mediator of
my Spirit from those words of the Prophet Isa 40. 27. Why sayest thou O Jacob and speakest O Israel my way is hid from the Lord and my judgment is passed over from my God And did encourage my Soul still to hope in God and wait for his strength from the following words v. 28 29. 31. Hast thou not known hast thou not heard if thou hast not known it by experience having found his everlasting Arms under thee for thy support yet hast thou not at least heard it that the everlasting God the Lord the Creator of the ends of the Earth fainteth not neither is weary He giveth power to the faint c. Continue thou therefore O my Soul to wait upon the Lord. Lord what an accursed hard heart have I that sin which grieves thee Gen. 6. 6. thy Son Mar. 3. 5. thy Spirit Eph. 4. 30. should not grieve me that sin which wearieth thee Isa 43. 24. should not be a burden to me that I should not be troubled for want of thy Presence when as the hiding of thy face made our Saviour cry out My God my God why hast thou forsaken me That Eternity and Judgment to come should make no impression upon me that I can hear yea speak of thy Word thy wrath c. and yet not fear thee not tremble at thy Word nor at this my Condition Feb. 19. Being Sabbath day Having formerly perceived a desperate hardness in my heart that that Word which works upon others should do me no good that no means no mercies did melt my Soul and almost despairing of ever having it softened After Prayer I was encouraged from the Lord in reading Mr. Hooker upon Act. 2. 37. who from those words When they heard these things they who had Crucified our Lord Christ were pricked at the heart raiseth this observation It is possible even for the most stubborn sinner to get a broken heart And now O my Soul Why art thou cast down Is not the Lord greater than thy heart Can Satan be more malicious to destroy thee than the Lord is merciful to save thee Yet the actings of my Faith hereupon are but faint Upon Examination of my self I have sometimes found that to mine own sense and feeling I have been altogether void of any love or fear of God and that I have been at such a time as unable to work up my heart into the Love and fear of God as to say to this Mountain Be thou removed and cast into the Sea Such wonderful deadness hath seised upon my Soul so greatly have I been enslaved and held captive by Satan that I have not been able truly to desire the Spirit of God O that my heart could bleed at the remembrance of this great evil that I should not only be cut off from Communion with God but be contented with this condition that I should have no groanings in Spirit to be delivered from this miserable bondage Be instructed hence O my Soul to ascribe every good motion to God if thou feelest any hungrings after Jesus Christ or any sorrow for want of Gods presence or the like own it as his work and bless him for it I have sometimes found my condition much like the man mentioned Joh. 5. who lay a long time by the pool of Bethesda but was not able to put himself in that he might be healed even so it is with my Soul Though God hath opened a Fountain for sin and for uncleanness to wash in and I find my Soul exceedingly polluted yet I am not able to step into this Fountain that I may be healed O my Soul the Lord seeth thy weakness and that thou hast been now a long time in this case wait thou on God Who can tell but that as the Bowels of Jesus Christ did yearn towards the poor man so may his Compassions be great towards thee and he may heal thee also Cease not to importune him saying Jesus thou Son of God have mercy on me O Lord heal my Soul Having at several times found diverse workings upon my heart as Convictions and thereupon some pantings and breathings after God but as yet nothing come to perfection I thought of and found that I had cause to take up the complaint of Hezekiah in another case It is a day of trouble and rebuke the Children are come to the Birth and there is no strength to bring forth Isa 37. 3. Some time after reading Isa 66. it seemed to me that that word v. 9. was suited to my Case Shall I bring to the Birth and not cause to bring forth saith the Lord Shall I cause to bring forth and shut the Womb saith thy God O my Soul wait thou on God who will perfect his own work in thee He hath said He will not break the bruised Reed nor quench the smoking Flax till he sent forth judgment unto Victory I have oftimes seen a Law in my Members warring against the Law of my mind and leading me into Captivity to the Law of sin and death So powerful and mighty have been the Actings of some inward corruptions that I have not been able to overcome them but have been hurried Captive by them Hereby I come to see that truth the heart of man is desperately wicked who can know it I cannot fathom the depth of iniquity which is in my heart Hereupon I am made to cry out with St. Paul O wretched man that I am who shall deliver me from this body of Death O Lord be not thou far from me but make hast to help me Let the sighing of the Prisoner come before thee proclaim liberty to thy Captive and the opening of the Prison door to him that is bound with the Chain of sin Isa 61. 1. Mar. 26. 1654. I find that though in my judgment and Profession I acknowledge Christ to be my Righteousness and Peace yet upon Examination I observe that my heart hath done quite another thing and that secretly I have gone about to Establish my own Righteousness and have derived my Comfort and Peace from my own Actings For when I have been disquieted by the Actings of my sin that which hath recovered me to my former Peace hath not been that I could find God speaking Peace through the blood of Christ but rather from the intermission of temptation and the cessation of those sins when I have been troubled at an evil frame of heart I do not find that the Righteousness of Christ hath been my Consolation but that which hath relieved me as far as I can find was that afterward I found my self in a better temper Having been in trouble and perplexity I have read the Scripture gone to Prayer and in doing these I have been relieved yet I do not find that at such times I had real true living Communion with God in such duties or that the Spirit of God did in those duties reveal to me my interest in Christ and so quiet my Conscience Hence I come to see
met with in my course of private reading Ps 19. 13. Keep back thy servant from presumptuous sins let them not have dominion over me Where I considered 1. That David found in his heart a proness to presumptuous sins which made him cry out Keep back thy servant c. 2. He was not without fear or danger lest presumptuous sins should get the dominion over him for he Prays Let them not have dominion 3. When he found it thus with himself he calls himself Gods Servant Keep back thy servant This word coming when my heart had been upon the borders of a presumptuous sin did much affect me Febr. 6. Being a day of Humiliation I was much indisposed to the duties of the day I found my heart unfit to Pray in private and to perform Family exercise The sense of guilt had clouded and bowed down my Soul In the Evening God revived my Soul with Isa 64. 6 7 8. They complained they were all as an unclean thing their righteousness as filthy rags there was a flagging of the Spirit of prayer and this in a time of great Judgments as v. 10 11. Yet they say But now thou O Lord art our Father This suited my condition and encouraged me to believe my relation to God and his to me as my Father though I found my self under the foresaid Distempers I was also supported against my sins with 1 Joh. 2. 24. Let that abide in you which you have heard from the beginning if that which you have heard from the beginning shall remain in you ye shall continue in the Father and the Son By which I was encouraged to hold fast what Instructions Comforts and Supports I had formerly received from God That which ye have heard viz. from the teachings of the Spirit Joh. 6. 45. from the beginning viz. from the time they began to believe in Christ Heb. 3. 14. Nov. 28. 1669. Being Saturday I was visited with a Feaver When I was under the Visitation I looked over my Evidences for Heaven had comfortable hopes of my Salvation from several promises whereby the fear of Death was removed My Life was in hazard many Prayers were put up for me God directed to the timely use of proper means and gave his blessing and restored me to my work on the fourth Lords day as a return to Prayers In my sickness before the danger was probably past in the night season I had very clear and awful apprehensions of the Majesty of God as though I had heard God speaking to me out of Isa 57. 15. I who am the high and lofty one that inhabit Eternity c. and then methought it was said to me Surgite Ministri servi praedicate Evangelium ad Conversionem peccatorum Arise ye Ministers and Servants of God and Preach the Gospel for the Conversion of sinners And afterwards it was said to me You shall not die but live and declare the works of the Lord. Fear thou not thou hast born witness to my Name in this place thou shalt bear witness also to my Name where I shall call thee To which my Soul bowed down and I replied Lord I am willing to follow thee if thou shalt satisfie me that thou callest me I could not certainly tell whether I was awake or sleeping or slumbring but the matter being so affecting coherent and coming with some power I laid it up in my heart not knowing but it might be useful to me Jan. 30. 1671. My Treatise of Family Instruction being finished and Published I resolved after several times seeking God and Consulting with my own Soul to set upon composing a Treatise of glorifying God The grounds or reasons inducing me hereunto were 1. The Command given to all persons in all Nations to declare the glory of God 1 Chron. 16. 23 24. I saw here I might lawfully yea it was my duty to do what I could to set forth the glory of God And seeing I was taken off from my publick Preaching I might do it more beneficially by Writing and Printing 2. My Spirit hath been for several years put upon and stirred up to write on this Subject I made a little beginning in the year 1664. but laid it aside and in times of sickness I have found a lothness to die till that work were done and have met with many cross Providences as if sent with a tacit reproof for neglecting this work Now the stirring up the Spirit to a good work is of God and part of Gods call to the work Exod. 36. 2. Ezr. 1. 5. Hagg. 1. 14. 3. I was under many Engagements to glorifie God as 1 st The many and great mercies I have received for my Soul by the Teachings and Consolations of his Spirit and many outward mercies above my other Relations which are engagements to glorifie God Ps 86. 12 13. 2 ly The eminent deliverances I have had from sickness the Pestilence and other troubles Psal 50. 15. 3 ly The wonderful preservation I have had from mine Enemies notwithstanding all the hazards I have run of falling into their hands by Preaching the Gospel at home and abroad which should engage me to extol and glorifie God Psal 30. 1. 4. I did hope for benefit to my own Soul both by being further enlightened into the knowledge and excited to the practice of glorifying God while I was studying to instruct and excite others thereto July 17. 1672. God having opened a door for the free exercise of my Ministry by his Majesties most Gracious Declaration I was desired both at Ipswich and Colchester to Minister to them I had discouragements as from the uncertainty of the times not knowing whether this liberty would continue or a time of trouble and persecution arise the differences and animosities that are among Professors and the enmity that is on the part of the Adversaries I considered of it and had encouragement from the Word thereto as 1 Pet. 5. 2. 4. with vers 7. as also from Josh 1. 9. Joshua had difficult work before him potent Enemies that dwelt in fenced Cities the people with whom he had to do had so exasperated Moses his Spirit by their frequent murmurings that once he cried out to God to be killed out of hand that he might not see his own wretchedness Numb 11. 15. another time he spake so unadvisedly with his lips that he angred God and was shut out of Canaan Joshua might well fear when he was to enter on this work Therefore God speaks four times to him to encourage him Be strong be of good courage c. and gives him two Arguments to encourage him 1 st His Call Have not I Commanded thee 2 ly A promise of his Presence as his God Whence I Obs 1. God will be with his people in all places whithersoever they go 2. The promise of Gods presence may take off all fears arising either from the temper of the people with whom we shall have to do or the difficulty of our work or