might have cause to praise him even to all eternity for this unspeakable mercy This latter was written in the behalf of one in near relation afterwards it was exceedingly set upon my heart not to do it onely in his behalf but also in the behalf of other poor dark souls in relation to me May the 4. Oh my soul must thou not needs acknowledg the Lord a God hearing the very groanes of thy soul before they were effectually put up puting in at the very time a seasonable word into the mouthes of his servants suiting to thy troubles and fears supporting thy spirit under them abundantly And did not the Lord that same day May 4. by a letter that as soone as I came home came to my hands gave my soul great hopes of a begun work upon that poor soul which came as it were as a fresh return of prayer this very person being in my heart in these desires that were then put up May 21. the Lord was pleased one Evening very much to draw out my heart to beg his appearance to my soul in every ordinance in a more full and lively manner then formerly and next day being the first day of the week truly the Lord was pleased very much to appear in the morning to refresh and chear my heart and so also in the ordinance of the supper for which bless the Lord O my soul The fourth of the fourth moneth In the Evening I found my heart very dead and dull to any spiritual service yet the Lord was pleased to draw it out in this request to him begging a special presence of his the next day both in prayer and preaching and the ordinance of the supper begging the Lord to appear through his servant that was to administer in his name that there might be such a lively presence and appearance of God through him as might be a token of good to my soul And truly the Lord was pleased the next day in a lively manner to appear not onely suiting his appearance to that dead dull frame my wretched heart was in to him but doing abundantly above even my expectation in some sense riding triumphantly and gloriously in the charet of his word The 13 of this fourth moneth in the Evening the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to plead with him to discover to me what the desires the hungrings and the thirstings of my soul were indeed after telling him withall that as farre as I knew my own heart it was not after the world the profits pleasures or any thing in it beseeching him to search and try me and if I were deceived in this to discover it to me and to be so farre from satisfying any thirst of my soul after any thing besides himself as to blast it and to make me sensible of it and humble before him for it but telling him withall that he had promised that he that hungers and thirsts after righteousness they shall be satisfied and filled and truely if I know any thing of my own heart this is it my soul waiteth for and brayeth after to be made more like him more conformable to him to have the spirit of a child put upon me whereby I might be more like unto him and more dedicated and given up in all my wayes to him but that if it were not thus with me but that I were deceived in it I did then beg above all things in the world that the Lord would discover it unto me The 25 of this fourth moneth my spirit wasdrawn out to beg the Lords appearance the next day and suiting my heart to it which I found in a very dead dul frame beseeching the Lord that his appearance might not answer that wretched frame my heart was then in but that my heart might be put in frame to meet with him As also that the Lord would be pleased to provide a portion for every poor soul that desires to see his face and to seek his presence that they might find some word suitable to their condition and how richly and abundantly did the Lord answer each of those desires both in behalf of my own soul and also on the behalf of others how gloriously did the Lord appear and ride triumphantly in the Charet of his word this day in the morning presenting very glorious usefull truths seasonable to my poor soul which the Lord enable me to practise and make use of enabling me to improve the promises to this great work of cleaning from corruption Yea the Lord was pleased in a further way to answer my desires for others putting in a very seasonable word of his to my Cozen Jefferson concerning free-will who was much in my thoughts in my former requests shewing how the promises were made in respect of our own weakness and nothingness for had the creature any power God need not promise to do all The Lord having thus appeared this morning there arose in my heart a question at noon whether I should not publickly by Mr. Knight offer up praises to the Lord for this appearance of his but through many fears that arose upon my spirit lest it might be misconstrued as if I did desire to appear to be somebody with the like temptation was kept off yet notwithstanding some trouble to my spirit for I was greatly desirous to have blessed the Lord publickly for it yet how did the Lord appear in answer to this secret desire of mine For Mr. Knight himself upon his own account did largely blesse the Lord for his appearance in the midst of the day and so throughout with which my heart did really close and so did our Sister Arnal as she said afterward as well as my self greatly rejoycing that the Lord drew out his heart in that wherein her heart and mind also did so abundantly joyn Our Brethen having made some entrance into the private conference and somewhat of God appearing from several of them my heart was much drawn out to propound some questions to them having two or three things upon my spirit wherein I was much unsatisfied and having resolved upon the thing in general there arose a great dispute in my spirit which question to propound first for they all left much weight upon my spirit and amongst others I had a very strong desire to propound this what means might be best available for the subduing of pride and strong debate had I in my spirit before I could passe this over yet at the last my spirit was overcome to propound another which proved very suitable to many other spirits in which I saw some hand of God Yet did my heart earnestly long after some resolutions concerning that of pride but how gloriouly did the Lord a while after the 26 of this fourth moneth appear in answer to it shewing me that there is no way like to the taking of the advantage of the ordinances which the Lord enable me to do About the end of this fourth
may prove the reallest advantage of spiritual good to my soul yet fearing whether it do indeed come from him or no causeth some trembling upon my spirit how to act if it be a plot of his it is a fair one arising after this manner having often found great appearances of God as I hope I may say to his praise I have in other of his ordinances but finding my heart oftentimes very much shut up as it were and given over to deadness dulness and heaviness of spirit which was no way suitable to a spiritual heart and soul-quickning ordinance and finding this very much to prevail even at this present desiring your prayers that the Lord would direct me what to do by discovering to my soul whether indeed it doth arise from a subtilty of Sathan yea or no or whether it be a lively alarum from heaven to my soul thus trembling in my self whether my forbearance may not be found a yeilding to Sathan or whether on the other side I may not attempt and provoke the Lord by rushing unpreparedly upon his holy things thus desiring to give up my self into the hands of the Lord waiting for the breathings of his spirit through the help of your prayers I beseech the Lord alone to guide and lead my soul in all its motions and actions in this present world untill he shall bring it to a full enjoyment of himself in the perfection of holiness which my soul waiteth and longeth for where I shall fully enjoy what now my poor soul hath but a transient taste of which the Lord accomplish in his own time and make me willing to wait my appointed time until my change come that when ever my Lord comes I may be found watching The 10 of this 8 moneth oh my soul did not the Lord give me a gracious answer and return to this desire and prayer forementioned even whiles thou wert pouring out thy soul before the Lord wherein thou didst lament the corruption of thy heart begging of the Lord that he would subdue this wicked frame of spirit this deadness and dulness in his services and continuing issuing out of corruption pleading and arguing it out with the Lord after this manner that though thou wert unworthy altogether to beg any mercy from him or this mercy yet were there not others of his poor servants that were pleading with him for my poor soul nay was not my Lord Jesus now at his right hand pleading for me that I might not be pulled out of his hand For how can the Lord endure wickedness any lust or corruption to possesse my heart and take the Scepter out of his hand and so to rule and reign over me nay could my soul bear it to be thus over-powred and to have my heart thus drawn from Christ and thus captivated by sinne and Sathan when one word of his mouth could set my soul at liberty beseeching the Lord to search me and to try me for he knew whether those desires and teares and groanes came from my heart yea or no yea I know thou dost search me and knowest my heart but Lord discover also to me and if there be any hypocrisy in my spirit in this regard oh that thou wouldest answer me so by fire to consume that drosse and corruption in my soul yea whatsoever thyrighteous eyeseeth in me that is darkening to thy glory and withall telling the Lord how like a flood of mighty waters this corruption come in upon me one wave following another that I had no power to withstand it though he had discovered much of himself to my sonl and of the riches of his grace and emptiness of all other things that yet my soul should so run after vanity beseeching the Lord to give a real turn to all the affections of my soul and to fix them upon the Lord Jesus Christ where they shall be sure to be returned This was in the morning of the 10. day then did the Lord further satisfie and quiet my heart in my Evening sacrifice that same day his spirit breathed in my soul after this manner dear Lord oh that thou wouldest suppresse this spirit of murmuring under thy hand and if thou wilt have thy poor creature still to wrestle and strive under a body of death and corruption and temptations and snares and intanglements oh that thou wouldst help me in this work that I may not yeild under it but may hold out in a continual resistance and sighing and never give over or making any peace with sinne and though thou dost not see meet utterly to root out sinne yet oh Lord give it its deadly blow let it be still dying and withering and decaying and work in my soul growing and increasing even untill thou hast fully perfected it About the tenth of this eighth month this experience was given in to my soul by the Lord concerning Sathans dealing with my soul and some refreshments to support my spirit under it Oh my soul hath not Sathan dealt with thee concerning this great ordinance of the Lords supper even as he hath formerly done concerning the great duty of prayer how often hath he suggested to thee that it is to no end to pray to the Lord reasoning thus with thee oftentimes dost thou think there is any such God as thou prayest to did he ever hear thee or give thee any token of answer why then dost thou continually appeal to him and pour out thy soul before him and hath he not done just thus about this ordinance of the Lords Supper thou wicked spirit how often hast thou been proved a lyar what eminent tokens hath God given me of his hearing prayer from time to time both concerning my self and others and therein have proved thee a lyar and why then oh my soul shouldst thou not beleeve that Sathan will also prove a lyar in this is not the Lord yesterday and to day and for ever is his arm shortened or his hand weakened that he cannot save and deliver and appear to thee in as glorious a manner as ever oh then wait for him and what if thou waitest untill thy dissolution it will be happinesse more then thou dost deserve to be found waiting yet thou dost not know how soon he may appear to thee About the middle of the eight month 1653 O my soul what are thy continued fears are they not lest any thing should withdraw or steal away thy heart from the Lord dost not thou daily beg of him rather to crucifie all thy earthly desires what ever then any way to satisfie any of them A Letter to Mr. Knight the sixteenth of the eighth Moneth 1653. In Answer to the former desire to him the ninth of the same moneth to blesse the Lord for the Answer Dear Sir Having formerly in the time of my sadnesse desired your remembrance before the Lord who hath appeared in prayer both publick and private as also many other wayes thereby staying my poor spirit to wait upon him
press very much upon me this day vvhich blessed counsell my desire and prayer vvas that the Lord vvould frame and mould me into gathering up my soul more into Jesus Christ and out of all other things vvhatsoever The 24. of this 7 Month being the Lords day I was in expectation to have heard Mr. Knight but when I came to Fulham there was a stranger and when I heard him to pray so strangely I was struck with an exceeding damp wishing my self somewhere else yet desiring to still my spirit and to wait upon the Lord who is able to hint out somewhat that might be of advantage to me he spake from Joh 5. 25. in which he shewed us that men might be alive naturally and yet dead spiritually and so pressed us to the tryal of our estates which I thought might be a call from God to check me for my neglect in this work and to put me upon that duty he tells us that God was the life of the soule as the soule was the life of the body and when God was departed from the soul it was dead and that which maketh God depart is sin proved from Isa 59. 2. In which Scripture me thought the Lord did secretly hint to my soul that my sin was the cause of all the withdrawings of the light of his face and manifestations of his gracious presence from me and of his seeming not to hear the desires and prayers offered up to him which discoverie I looked upon as an answer of my desires and prayers that day and as an appearance of his through his instruction this day The 25. of this 7. month The Lord in the morning drew out my heart to beg of him that he would please to be present that day being to go to my Aunt Doggets to guide and direct me in all my words and actions being some what distracted and disturbed in my own thoughts and mind and not so contentedly submitting to all the providences of God as I ought to do and after some discourse and hot dispute at dinner between Mr. Aldgate and my selfe at which time I dealt plainly with him according to my poor measure after which Mrs. Aldgate very unexpectedly from me and unusually from her was very earnest to have me go and read in a litle book of hers concerning content Marvelling in my mind at this strange and unusual thing in her looking upon it as some providence happily to me who had seen the book before but looked upon it in a slight cursory way and not with any valuation of it yet now I thought that happily the Lord might have some thing to speak to me out of it and so I took the book and went to reading therein for an hour or more and truly the Lord was pleased to lead me to most sensible and seasonable things to the frame of my wretched spirit by which it convinced me that I did not contentedly submit to his will in all conditions for if I did then there would be a silence in my spirit yea a joyful frame of spirit yea a continued giving thanks to him and many such like things by way of discovery together with many sensible directions and instructions which I desire to acknowledg as a mercy beging that the Lord would make these hints effectual to my soule The 27. of the 7. month expecting that our brother â—ental was to preach that day I had some discouragements whether to go or no but at last the Lord was pleased to give a turne to my spirit and upon one accompt or an other I at last resolved to go and see what the Lord would do for me there desiring to wait upon him and withal telling him in the morning that he had graciously appeared to my soul and given me eminent tokens of his appearance through weak instruments beseeching him to add one mercy more this day and give my soul a real visite from Heaven through whatever instrument he should please to use But oh my soul how graciously was the Lord pleased to bow down and condescend to ansvver those poor scattered desires and vouchsafe my soul a most fit and seasonable vvord this day by that our brother vvho spake from Matth. 6. Take no thought what you shall eat or drink or wherewith you shall be cloathed vvhence he shewed the Lord Jesus did greatly forbid all carking cares or solicitude of spirit about present enjoyments or future events together with many other seasonable instructions reprehensions and directions to wait upon the Lord and rest on him and cast all our burthens on him and the like most seasonable things to my wretched spirit The 28. of this 7. month being Thursday and Mr. Knights day to preach at the Abby I had strong desires to hear him and yet somewhat discouraged from some passages of providence fearing vvhether or no I vvent out of desire only to hear vvhich lay somevvhat heavy upon me and greatly oppressed my spirit causing it to breath out to the Lord after this manner That if he did see my heart not to be set aright to seek him and him only in this undertaking that he would please some way or other to hinder me or cause some special providence or other to instruct me and keep me from rushing on this undertaking on any self-ends or designs whatever beseeching him to guide me lead and instruct me this day and vouchsafe his glorious presence with my soul and the pouring out of his Spirit upon his servant that was to speak to us And truly I desire to acknowledge to the praise of God that he was pleased much to deaden my heart to the creature before I went out and to put it into a frame desirous to wait for any discovery from him when he pleaseth expecting all the way as we went whether the Lord would please to suffer us to go through yea or nay desiring not to murmure at him in it but to submit quietly to his will in what manner soever he should please to reveal it But being not by any providence prevented in the way we went where the Lord was pleased greatly to draw out Master Knights heart in prayer in such suteable things as if the Lord from heaven should say I know thy wants and weakness and will supply them Providence casting him upon the same thoughts spoken in the fifth Chapter of John and the five and twenty Verse the Lord again by it checking me for my neglect of examination of my spiritual life The End of the Second Book THE THIRD BOOK OF EXPERIENCES Which the Lord hath given my soul of the gracious answers and returns of Prayer c. These Records I desire to leave of Gods appearance to my soul from time to time which I trust if my wicked heart deceive me not was done upon this account that wherein I have failed in my life-time in declaring how good the Lord hath been to such a wretch as I am I might yet leave a good report
of God behinde me after my departure hence he having so often made it appear that hee is a God good unto the unthankeful disobedient and rebellious This begins with the 8 Month 1654. THe 27. of this month there being a great desire in severall of us to have some Church meeting set up amongst us which had been long delayed my mother and my self having often very much pressed it at last I even resolved to urge it no more imagining that the Lord had no purpose that it should be and rather fearing least there should be any by-ends in my own heart in this my desiring of it then did our brother Orpen and our brother Mâ—rly againe renew the motion and spake of it to us afterwards went from us to Mr Knight yet being still by one meanes or other kept off there fell much discouragement upon many of our hearts about it notwithstanding at last there was a day appointed to meet and to consult farther about the setling of it which meeting was also sadly frustrated by a mistake of the day and so no meeting but after some time there was another day appointed by joynt-consent to beginn the meeting yet somewhat discountenanced by one of our brethren saying it was vvinter time and many other imployments vvould not permitt them to enioy it yet there vvas a time set but the very day before Mr Knight told us that hee could not bee at the meeting the next day vvhich vvas an other sad discouragement hovvever they that were present agreed to meet to seek the Lord together whereupon the next morning being the day appointed for to meet I besought the Lord though with much weakness and in a poore scattered way that hee would please to go forth with us and provide some help for us earnestly desiring him to make good that blessed word of his that where two or three meet in his name that hee will be in the midst of them beging that this word might be made good to us this day that hee would put our hearts in frame to meet with him and be pleased to be present vvith us and also vvith those vvhom he should please to send amongst us that there might be no soul of us but might acknovvledge the Lords Presence amongst us and finde some blessed vvord hinted to their condition and in particular to my poore soul God setting it home with mighty povver upon my heart even so as that I might be moulded into it And hovv vvonderfully did the Lord even beyond expectation appeare this day in sending Mr Knight and our brother Morly neither of which were expected and putting into their mouthes a most suteable and seasonable word as also povvering out his spirit richly on them that spake in prayer to him wherein I saw a great answer to an other petition this morning which was that the Lord would please to help every one of them in speaking to him and from him which he was pleased richy and gloriously to doe in so much that Mr Knight seemed to be greatly affected with the presence of God and in the close did acknowledge it whereupon the meeting received great incouragement and was resolved to be kept up O my soul how did the Lord to thy short desires give in large answers together with seasonable refreshments to my poore drooping spirit from the words that our brother Morly spake out of the 40. psal But I am Poore and weake yet the Lord thinketh on me which poverty ariseth from the sence of sinn and corruption yet the Lord thinketh on me whereupon hee puts us upon this thought what if all other slight and disregard a poore soul if the Lord thinketh upon it is it not better to be in the thoughts of God then of the greatest in the world together with many other precious and seasonable hints to my soul The 8. of this 9. Month O my soul how unexpectedly vvas the Lord pleased to prevent thee vvith his loveing kindness and grace thou having been very ill all night with an extream cold not thinking I should be able to goe in the morning to Fulham yet at last overcome with desire to wait upon the Lord and cast and roul my self upon him and how gloriously did hee appeare to my soul and what a seasonable word was hinted out this day to mee by our deare brother the 25 of this Month at evening as also the 26. day in the morning being the Lords day finding my heart exceeding dead and dull and altogether unfit to meet the Lord as also greatly oppressed at the sight of the prevalencie of corruption and temptation over me almost continually which occasioned my soul to pour out its self greatly before the Lord in sundry various petitions relating to my present condition as also greatly begging his presence both in the preparing my heart to meet with him and in fitting some blessed word wherein he might meet my poor soul with many requests to this purpose too large to relate and both touching my own soul and also his servant that was to speak that day and behold how gloriously O my soul did the Lord appeare through his servant our dear pastor who spake from the 45. Psal thy Throne O God is for ever and ever the Scepter of thy Kingdome is a right Scepter where he shewed us that Christs Scepter by which he rules and orders all his affaires in the world and in his Church is a right Scepter and that all his administrations are managed by a right straight line for the Glory of his father and the good of his poor creatures and that how ever through the darkness of our hearts and our unpeliefe wee could not see the straightness of all Christs administrations yet that they are so hovvever for God the Father who best knows them saith so of them shewing us also that however Saints are apt to think that there is none in such a sad condition as they so tempted and so overcome by corruptions and vain thoughts and the like and if Christ did indeed raign in them and over them and his Scepter thus right why is it then thus with them in answer to which he shewed us that Christs Scepter was right still because his design was through all this to raise up his own and his fathers glory as his skill appears most that maketh a glorious piece out of a crooked thing so Christ hath some eminence of glory by working through all our afflictions and temptations to magnifie his grace and mercy towards such as we are yea to do us good through all now dear Father hath not thy rich grace shined gloriously in this condescention to such a poor worthless wretch as I am This day also did the Lord call us seeing his Throne and Kingdome is for ever and ever to look after everlasting things a secret check to my soul in it so eagerly persuing after fading dying things yea if Christs kingdome be everlasting so also are
were blessed discoveries given to judge our estate We were also instructed in all our present afflictions in this World still to remember it appears not yet what we shall be did you keep your eye on this how would it refresh you under all troubles Keep your eye then on Christ his appearances for there your fulness shall be But further to refresh the Saints they are at present the sons of God but know not the best of their estate you may be now under clouds and temptations but the best is behind it appears not now what you shall be And let this chear up your hearts The 8. day of this tenth month the Lord drew out my heart in the morning being the day of our Church-meeting to beg of him to go forth with us this day or else not to carry us out and withal That he would please to provide a blessed word a seasonable word for every poor soul that should in the sincerity of their spirit wait upon him that day and that he would please to speak some seasonable word to my soul that it may be a blessed testimony that his presence was with me begging also the pouring out of his spirit richly on them he should please to send to speak among us with much to this effect The nineth of this tenth month at night the Lord was pleased often to draw out my heart with some sence of his appearances as also my unfruitfulness under all former appearancs beseeching him to sanctifie all his appearances to my soul and help me to walk more watchfully and hearken more to the testimony of my own conscience in what ever I had done and not to sin against it with many such like desires begging this That as he had so sweetly encouraged my soul by these gracious hints the third of this month so that now he wovld please notwithstanding all my unworthiness and unfruitfulness yet to make good these gracious words of his wherein he hath said Sin shall not have Dominion over his people and that he would bruise Satan under their feet that he would never leave nor forsake them for which gracious blessed word of his I endeavoured to plead with him this Evening even upon the account of the full satisfaction the Lord Jesus had made to him that therefore these blessed words might be made good to my poor soul as also on the behalf of his servant our dear Pastor who the eighth of this eighth Month seemed exceeding sad which came with some power and sense upon my heart at this time beseeching the Lord if he had convinced him of any evil in him that he would also work it out of him and if there were any other oppression upon his spirit which was known to him that he would please to ease refresh comfort and fit him for the great work he hath called him to and also pour out his spirit upon him that he might have a real and sensible sight of the answers of those desires and that the Lord would please to direct him what and how to speak so as might be to the advantage of every of our souls who sincerely seek his face and presence And oh my soul how graciouslie did the Lord appear the next day being his Sabbath and gave in a gracious answer to these desires and gave forth far beyond them The 10th of this 10th Month being the Lords Day in the morning I sought the Lord for his most special presence in and with me this day that he would please to prepare a seasonable useful word for my soul and prepare my heart to meet with him that my soul might be enabled to bless and praise his Name for it and that he would please so eminently to appear that it might be written among the rewards of his love yea that it might come into my soul even as a special pledge of his love yea that he would please to pour out his spirit upon his servant and appear so eminently through him as that also he might be enabled to acknowledge it to his praise And oh my soul how richly and abundantly and fully did the Lord answer all these desires yea every of them in particular which were spread before him more at large then I am able to set down and truly the answers of them were much more large and full in which the Lord bowed down greatly even to the requests also to do more abundantly then I could ask or think and so he did begin even as soon I came to the Congregation filling my heart with great joy and expectation of his mercy from him even in the Psalm before Sermon the Psalm sung was Psal 22. 23. on which my soul joyfullie ran out and so both in Prayer and in Preaching how abundantlie did the Lord bow down and refresh my poor spitit and the spirit of our dear Pastor who in a most solemn manner again and again blessed the Lord for his appearances both in the dispensation of the Word also in the Lords Supper that was that day administred The Scripture spoken to us was Psal 45. 7. Thou hatest iniquity whence he shewed That Christ was lovely to his Saints for hating iniquity In opening hereof he shewed us what hatred was in man and what it was in Christ which as he said was not an action or passion but his very nature and will which putteth forth all his other Excellencies as his Power and his Wisdom c. to repel all that is contrarie to his Nature and Will which he further opened at large shewing us That all the object of Christs hatred was onely sin which is truly evil men hate that which they apprehend evil but Christs hatred is properly neither against men or Angels but only against sin and man onlie as he is under the power of sin and this hatred maketh him repel that which he hateth with all his power putting out all his Excellencies to the uttermost either for the destruction of sin in us or of us Thus Christ loved the nature of man and took it upon him yet when this love was turned into hatred by reason of the over-powering of sin which fighteth against the life of Christ and when this love of his comes to turn to hatred the hatred is the greater Now that Christ hateth sin appears both in the work of Redemption and Rejection In the work of Redemption when he comes to suppress sin in us he seemeth by this action to speak in this manner Rather then sin shall live in thee I will dye my blood shall rather go for it So in the Rejection the hatred of Christ shall kindle the fire of Hel about them But that Christ doth thus hate sin appears further by these things 1. By his dealings against it in the Creation Adam no sooner made but he falls and so boiling hot was Gods hatred against sin that before he gives him time for repentance or any parley he presently goes to his posterity
A Wise Virgins Lamp Burning OR Gods sweet incomes of LOVE to a gracious soul waiting for him BEING The EXPERIENCES of Mrs. ANNE VENN Daughter to Col. John Venn Member of the Church of Christ at Fulham written by her own hand and found in her Closet after her death Wherein is declared her exceeding frequent Addresses to the Throne of Grace and how speedily answered Written for the comfort of such as mourn in Sion and quickning of Saints by her blessed Example Psal 30.5 VVeeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning Psal 66.16 Come and hear all ye that fear God I will declare what he hath done for my soul Psal 85.8 I will hear what God the Lord will say for he will speak Peace to his people Lam. 3.25 The Lord is good to them that wait for him to the soul that seeketh him LONDON Printed for E. Cole and are to be sold at the signe of the Printing-Press in Cornhil 1658. Christian Reader HEre mayest thou see the free frequent familiar intercourse betwixt the Lord a godly soul her continual Addresses to him and his gracious Returnes to her doubtless she was one that as it is said of Caleb followed God fully and lay as much in the besome of Christ as any that I have heard of a rare pattern in these cold declining times wherein so many either turn aside from the truth or else lose their first Love but her pious soul in an eminent manner kept Truth and Zeal warm her in heart even till she enjoyed full communion with her beloved in Heaven As she began to seek after God betimes about the age of nine years so she continued with her loins girt her Lamp burning and her Light shining more and more till the perfect day The tenderness of God the malice of Satan her patience in waiting on God for certain years t gether in her first conversion were remarkable The closeness of her spirit not opening her condition to such as might have relieved her her seeking to heal her self by duties and holy walking for a long time kept down her soul from looking up to the free Grace in Christ till she was even tyred out as Noahs Dove by fluttering upon the unsteady waters but then the Lord Jesus put forth his hand and took her weary soul into the Ark of his rest giving her such a clear sight of himself that now having with the Spouse found her beloved she took him and caught him and held him and would not let him go oft saying with the Spouse Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for his love is better then Wine being able from that time to sing the sweet Song of Simeon longing to be at home with her Jesus Oh the peace and or Oh the blessed revivings and quicknings Oh the prayer praises and admirings her precious soul was filled withall from that day forward though now aâ—d then some secret withdrawings to the last moment of her life Her conversation was in heaven she walked with God her heart loosned from this world as this Treatise fully speaks so much of her strength spirit affection and time she spent in Closet-meetings with God in reading praying meditation self-examination c. that it was a wonder her poor weak body was able to subsist and doubtless had not God renewed her strength anointing her with fresh oyle it could not have been I marvelled I confess to see so many of her writings found in her Closet as I did God gave her a quick wit a large understanding a considering spirit and looking much into her self taught her to put an high price on ordinances made her very diligent in the use of all means laid her very low in her own eyes with much self-emptiness thus bespoko a la ge room in her heart that he might bestow a great deale of Christ therein and so made her a Vessel capable of a greater measure of Grace then I am perswaded many others though truly godly attain on this side heaven So exceeding tender was her heart in point of sin that she would often and deeply judge her self as this Treatise abundantly shews for pride passion inordinate love to the creature neglect of duty to her relations c. whereas those that daylie conversed with her being of discerning spirits could see no such appearances but the contrary frame of spirit eminently shining out in her she was so afraid of pride that she dared not wear such Jewels apparel as she had by her for feâ—r her heart should be drawn from God thereby and so fearful of vain glory that though she had this Treatise of the incomes of God lying by her yet not any no not her dear Parents ever knew thereof till they found it in her Closet after her death her sel leaving this as the reason lest her wretched heart should be lifted up and others should think better of her then was meet She was such an high prizer of Ordinances that she forgetting the weakness of her own body the length of the way many other obstructons would frequently break through all to enjoy them and when she was to hear she first was ful of prayer to God to meet her therein and make out some discoveries to her soul which the Lord usually did and she straightly observing Gods incomes returned with praise her deep acknowledgements of the same No small importunities of very many godly that knew her have forced the publishing of this Treatise and others of long standing in Christ and eminent Grace who have seen some of it in Manuscripts have freely confessed they never looked into it but were much humbled to soe how short themselves come in such heart-searchings self-judgings close-walkings with God and such observings of the answer of their prayers as they read in this her daylie practice I hope it may be useful in these declining times to convince some Christians of their slackness and awaken others and shew them how to make more heart-work by the example of one of the weak Sex and if to thy knowledge it should not adde much yet to thy spirit and practice it may conduce not a little Thine in our dearest Lord and Head THO. WELD To all that love the appearance of the Lord Jesus Grace and Peace BEing called upon by the earnest importunity of many gracious souls to give forth my testimony of this blessed servant of Christ Mr Anne Venn and having had many yeers converse about the great matters of eternal life with her and injoying her society for some yeers in the holy fellowship of the gospel I could not but present to the Saints the sweet savour of her holy walking in which she was a lively example to all that knew her The Lord first brake in upon her heart by the frequent impressions of the Word as they were instilled into her by her honour'd father whose practice was to re-inforce the Truths publikely preached
in his Family upon his Children and Servants and by this means this daughter and one of his servants were brought home unto the Lord and which I mention as an alarum to the Saints to the practise of this duty which seems in this licentious age to bee so greatly neglected She had this honor to enjoy the indeared affection of all Saints that conversed with her as being eminent in these graces First in love to all Saints though of different Judgements where she discerned any characters of Christs image her heart delighted in them which grace shined the more clearly because she lived in a time wherein the contrary evill most prevailed Again she was eminently exemplary in that holy art of the Improvement of the society of the Saints by serious propounding of prepared questions about matters of most infinite concernment with such wisdom in searching out the deepest of the Treasures God had laid up in others hearts that she grew abundantly in experimental knowledge of saving Truths and was able and ready to communicate richly unto others She was a most diligent Christian in attending all the Ordinances and in every administration did hearken what God said to her soul and as her soule waited for some discoveries of God so the shining forth of God in his counsels and comforts shee did abundantly enjoy Shee was a careful Observer of the Lords day and found such profit in the ways of the Almighty that his Day was her delight and she requently was fild in her soule as with marrow and fatness She was a steddy Christian in reeling times and received nothing for truth but what she would often weigh in the ballance or the Sanctuary and upon solid grounds lay up in her heart or put forth in her practice And for her diligence and industry about heavenly things she so far abounded that whoever hath the sight of her labours would not easily conceive so much could be done in one whose life was so short She wrote her dayly Meditations upon the holy book of God which shee kept in a book fair written She contracted all she heard in the publike Ministry into a method in a book in Folio hath fairly transcribed some part of that work which would have contained the substance of all the labors of the Ministers of Christ whose Ministry she was partaker of And in another had written all the attributes of God and Christ that she could finde in Scripture for the strengthning of the saith of beleevers The truth is shee was a soul wholly dedicated to the Lord and in her whole conversation humble and holy and tender-hearted One truly weaned from this world weary of it and often breathing out holy longings to be with Christ frequently saying VVhat is there in this dark world that should cause a Christian to desire to continue in it And as shee longed to be at home so the Lord hastned the time and in her tender yeers gathered her to himself And in her death shee shewed forth a gracious frame of spirit and with holy confidence in Christ resigned her selfe to him And such was het holy jealousy of any pride or hypocrisy that might arise by discovering of her labour that untill shee fell asleep in the Lord her writings came not to the view of any Thus this blessed soule walked with the Lord and these things are recorded of her for our example that we may tread in her steps and be followers of her as he she followed Christ which is the hearty desire of him who is a servant of Christ and his Church Isaac Knight O My soul what hath been the Method and manner of the Lords working that effectual work of his upon thy heart which thou hast some comfortable hopes is begun by him and shall be carried on in thy soul to the glory of his own grace set them down as the Lord shall enable thee according as he hath been pleased from time to time and from year to year to make it out to thee that so if the Lord please it may stand thee instead in an evil day I mean a day of inward or outward affliction and the Lord help thee to do it as in his sight who is the searcher of all hearts and knows better than thou dost what work himself hath wrought in thee but so farre as he hath or shall please to enable thee to discern it in thy own heart set it down and let it lye upon record against all the temptations of Sathan that great adversary of thy soul IN the year 1635 when I was yet very young being not at the most full nine years old the Lord was pleased through the preaching of his word as I conceive together with my fathers repeating and farther pressing it home upon our spirits to begin to work upon my heart and to give in some kind of desires after the best things whereupon I began to take some delight in hearing the word but most of all in reading to my self in which I then spent many hours if not whole dayes the Lord setting the one and the other so home upon my spirit as to convince me both of my sinful and miserable condition by reason of my continual breach of his holy lawes and grieving the spirit of my parents the which was much set home upon me by reading Mr. Dod upon the commandements and the like treatises whereupon I had a temptation to curse the day of my birth which in some measures I consented unto often wishing that I had never been born or at the least had dyed from the breast as I saw some of my Brothers esteeming their condition to be much better than mine they never living to commit any actual sin and therefore as I then thought should without all doubt go to Heaven but for my self I did really think and fear that I should certainly go to Hell then being put out to board for a quarter of a year to one who pretended much skill and ability for the cure of some weakness that I then lay under which being a very profane family although I was yet very young yet being so contrary to those wayes I had been brought up in to come now to hear continual cursing and swearing and prophaning the Lords day and being forced to be in their company not daring by reason of those fears I then lay under to be alone and so sometimes prevailed with once or twice to play upon the Lords day I thought my self all this while to be in the belly of hell being thereunto condemned by my own conscience so that I could receive no contentment in all the fulnesse of those outward things which I there enjoyed but was restless untill I got home again being yet only convinced of my actual evills But when the Lord was pleased by the ministery of his word and other private instructions going along with it to convince me in some measure of my original corruption that I brought into the
into my spirit to beat me off from that pitch of faith which I then found my spirit breathing after viz. that where the Lord gives such great strength of faith or any other grace he gives also as great trials and that therefore if I had the one I must expect the other also and so should not only be a means to pull down sorrows afflictions and trialls upon my own head but also in lying under them and so sadly dishonour God as now I do which at the present did somewhat take of the edge of my affections and weaken my former desires untill the Lord was pleased to discover to me that it was a meer temptation whether from Sathan or my own heart my deceitful but subtle enemies to skare me with such fears which temptation the Lord was pleased to enable me to overcome with grief that I should in the least parly with it and again to renew my former desires and withal to beg his continual presence with me in all whatever trialls and conditions he should bring me under that he would keep me from dishonouring him under them and manifest himself to me through them and then to do with me as seemeth him good A few dayes after as I was one Evening writing a letter unto a dear kinswoman of mine who at that time lay under some sad dispensation from the Lord whereupon I took occasion to urge that promise upon her in Rom. 8. 28. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God c. which whiles I was indeavouring to presse upon her the Lord was pleased to cause it to fall with mighty power upon my heart which was set home upon my spirit not only as that which I should rest upon and expect the performance of but as that which I had had much experience through all the dealings of God with me to have been continually made good so that the experience which the Lord had given me of his dealings with my soul for many years in all the afflictions and exercises I had lyen under whether in body or mind in loss of relations or comforts c. yea the very withholding â—he light of Gods face which is life it self â— did restifie to the truth of this word having been all of them by the Lord brought and wrought about for my good the Lord enabling me to cleave the closer to himself and take the faster hold of him from the consideration of all which there fell this farther hint with some weight upon my spirit that it should also be even so with me in respect of those corruptions that I was still pestred with and groaned under But there being yet especially at some times many confused fears upon my spirit which I could give very little reason for upon the second day of the eleventh moneth 1652. being the first day of the week the Lord was pleased yet further to appear with a very seasonable word to my soul vvhich did much refresh it it vvas thus Mr. Knight being in the afternoone in his ministery at Fulham upon that Scripture in Heb. 2. 1 2 3. stirring us up to hearken diligently to Jesus Christ and not to let any of his words at any timeslip out of our hearts whence also he took occasion to comfort the people of God upon this accompt that Christ should think their eares worthy of hearing his voice that he should not always send his messengers nor make use of instruments but should often rather as it were chuse to speak himsel at which words the Lord was pleased to touch my heart and to make it sweetly to melt before him with joy to think that Christ should thus speak to my soul as I now saw he had done by him 2 years before vvho vvhen he had visited me vvith that sore loss of my dear parent and cast me and my Mother both upon our sick beds neither of us being able to speak to each other yea when no friend or creature either could or did indeavour to speak a vvord of comfort to my poor soul which vvas in a most sad condition for vvant of a clear sight of God under all these dispensations of his towards me vvho having as it vvere by his own hand as I now really beleeve he did shut up and stop'd all other mouths yet that now the Lord Jesus should choose to speak himself as I found he had done in some measure supporting my spirit vvhich vvas ready to sinck and give up under the heavy burthen it lay both of the sense of guilt and wrath all vvhich being put together Oh! hovv did the sight of his love both melt and chear my heart Then did the Lord also the next day being the second day of the same vveek bring to my mimd and thoughts those vvords that are recorded of Job in Job 9. 11. vvhich after I had paused a little upon contrary to my intention or thoughts I vvent on still reading though but in a briefe quick vvay being straightned of time for it vvas late in the Evening but I took a view of the vvhole book of Job untill I came to the end of it and the thing in general that vvas hinted to me and fell upon my spirit from the whole vvas this that none of al Jobs friends vvho indeavored to speak to him could neither hint out a vvord of comfort or of conviction to him in this sad estate none of all their vvords taking hold at all upon his spirit untill God himself came to speak and then one word of God doth it making him cry out Job 40. 45. Behold I am vile what shall I answer thee I will lay my hand upon my mouth Once have I spoken but I will not answer yea twice but I will proceed no further and again Job 42. 5 6. I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear but now mine eye seeth thee therefore I abhorre my self and repent in dust and ashes that was as I conceive when God spake which caused me strongly to reflect upon mine own heart thereby calling to mind how many instructions convictions and comforts have been from time to time for many years past by several friends and servants of God held out to me which never took any hold at all upon my spirit but when God himself will take in hand to speak he can bring things past and gone quite back again as he did the Sun upon t he Dial of Ahaz 2 King 22. 11. and bring them fresh into memory and cause the soul to see his hand and work in all and so to abhorre it self for those abominable unbeleeving thoughts and jealousies of God that have been upon its heart when as the Lord hath as it were took all opportunities to beget in the soul good and honourable thoughts of him Then hearing this same night that Mr. Simpson was next morning being the third day of this week to begin his lecture in Friday street
to which I had a great desire to go which accordingly I did though with some outward inconveniences and bodily danger desiring of the Lord that as he had begun in some good measure to shine in upon my heart this week so that he would please to make this blessed opportunity letting my soul have a sight of himself through that word that should be held out to me Thus waiting and depending upon the Lord for his appearance through this instrument of his I went to London at which time Mr. Simpson contrary to the expectation of most of his hearers and as I was told to his own intentions the week before had his eye and meditation turned and fixed upon that grand promise in Gen. 3. 15. which I do not know but that I may look upon as a special providence in which the Lord might aim even at the establishment of my poor and unsetled spirit which but the week before was exceedingly cast down the Lord having as I conceived much disappointed my expectation even of his own appearance In the entrance upon which Scripture and opening of it he shewed us that these words in Gen. 3. were spoken and denounced as a severe threatning to the Divel and not at all spoken either to the man or to the woman yet did they contein in them a most blessed promise yea all the promises which the Lord left both for Adam and Eve to lay hold upon from the consideration of which he took occasion to provoke us to lay hold upon all the hints of God and to let none of them slip in any dispensation of his to us yea to take notice of every word of promise or comfort that God holds out though in the midst of severe threatning as this here was in the further prosecution of which he put us upon such thoughts as these that that soul which is indeed made to hunger and thirst after Jesus Christ would be ready to snatch catch at the least crum of mercy yea were the soul indeed found of Christ it would be ready to beleeve upon very smal grounds there was also at this time that Scripture cited by him which we find recorded in Esai 50. at the beginning where the Lord as he shewed us seemeth to be very angry with that people who though they had played the harlot and therefore deserved justly to be put away yet was the Lord wrath with them because they said he had put them away when as yet he had not and therefore demanded of them where their bill of divorce was which together with several other precious truths then hinted to us took very much on my heart and greatly refreshed it even upon after reviews also but to all this the Lord was pleased to add one blessed opportunity more that week wherein he speak abundantly and I hope effectually to my heart by that servant of his Mr. Knight at that lecture at the Chappel at Fulham the very next morning being the fourth day of the week sending his servant as it were on purpose to speak to me in particular and to open unfold and expound all those gracious visits of Christ to my poor soul when it sate even in the valley and shadow of death shut up as it were in darkness and in an estate of nature shewing me how the Lord even then came in with light and life to me as also when I was under dark afflictions and sad apprehensions of the wrath of God from whence I conceived them to proceed in which estate also was the Lord pleased sweetly to visit my soul as also when I lay under darkness of unbeleese being full of doubts and fears and jealousies of God c. at this season and from this Scripture Luk. 1. 78 79 was the Lord pleased to unfold my soul that which I never had such a sight of how he had indeed visited my soul in all these estates as also what the issues of these his visitations were how he came in with light and life in all these conditions which the Lord now being pleased to open my eyes to see my soul was even swallowed up in the apprehension of it not knowing how to blesse and praise his name sufficiently for these his appearances Thus did the Lord follow on with one mercy and discovery upon the neck of another which all depended upon and as it were opened one another for this last day did the Lord discover in particular to my soul what those hints and gracious visitations on my soul wherein all these conditions which the day before he taught me I was to take such special notice of in the remaining part part also of the week was the Lord pleased to go on to settle and farther open these truths and give me to see his mighty hand and outstretched arm all along in it The next Lords day being the ninth of this eleventh moneth 1652. the Lord was pleased also to come in through that ministery he hath placed us under at Fulham with a seasonable word to back all this which was spoken by our Pastor Mr. Knight from Heb. 2. 2. that the words of God they are stedfast words abiding words words that shall certainly abide and be accomplished in their season Thus in these eight days now last past hath the Lord through and by his word and spirit been pleased to give into my soul a discovery of his gracious visitations of me for 〈◊〉 many years past And truly I think I should much rob the Lord of his Glory if I should not acknowledg him a God hearing prayer who was pleased even at this time in my apprehension so eminently to appear that I was constrained in spirit to acknowledg it and did and do desire that he may have the glory of it The Lord having of late thus begun to manifest his loving kindness to my soul there was at this time from Rom. 13. 11. this truth set home mightily upon my heart that this time of Gods appearance in way of love and mercy c. was the only blessed time in the world to that soul to whom he thus appears and a time which should of all times in the world be taken special notice of and carefully improved from whence I had further many seasonable instructions as That I should walk in the sight of Gods countenance while I enjoy it yea And work in it whiles I had it before or lest darkness come Joh. 12. 35 36. Joh. 9. 4. yea to do good in this time and opportunity whiles God thus shines upon the heart Gal. 6. 10. yea and to improve it to this end to lay up in store a good foundation for time to come even as men do in their tradings in the matters of this world 1 Tim. 6. 17 18 19. yea to redeem this time Ephes 5. 16. to think nothing too much to buy it out of the hands of hucksters out of the hands of all other businesses what ever in this world And
here I must needs say that though our Pastor spake much to this purpose and that sweetly a while since from 2 Cor. 6. 2. Behold now is the acceptable time behold now is the day of Salvation yet did it not take upon my heart in that way as these few hints did for the Lord had not then appeared to my soul in those manifestations of love as he did afterward and how ever these Scriptures do chiefly referre as I conceive to the time of the Gospel and Gods love to the souls of men in bringing of them home to himself yet that truth which was at this time chiefly set upon my heart was from the consideration of this present hint of time wherein the Lord through his rich grace in my Lord Jesus Christ had been pleased to cause his face to shine upon my soul The very next day being the 13 of this moneth in the morning when I was awaked as I lay in my bed I had that Scripture in Luk. 13. 11. brought fresh to my mind of that woman whom Sathan had bowed these eighteen years vers 16. whom Christ loosed with a perswasion before ever I began to count it that the time of my Thraldome under Sathan and sinne would run paralel with this as also my condition for saith the text she had a spirit of infirmity and was bowed together so as she could in no wise lift up her self and truly thus I found it had been with me for many years I had been bound by Sathan under unbeleefe and the corruptions of my own heart and so bowed together as I could in no wise lift up my self so as to give glory to God by beleeving and as for the time when I came to count it from the first time that the Lord was pleased to touch my heart with a sight and sense of my wretched condition and thereupon to occasion much trouble of spirit which was as I conceive about the year 1635. which reckoned untill the end of the year 1652 which was the first time that ever the Lord did upon real solid grounds speak any abiding word of comfort to me and so in any measure loosing me from those bands and I did find it to be just 18 years This same morning also a little while after there fell an other Scripture upon my heart which I found recorded in Psal 129. 1 2. Many a time have they afflicted me from my youth may I srael now say many a time have they afficted me from my youth yet have they not prevailed against me and hath it not been thus with my soul many a time hath it been afflicted with temptations and corruptions but through mercy they have not yet totally prevailed over me There was also two other Scriptures immediately after this set upon my heart this morning as first that in Psal 34. 6. This poor man cryed and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles even so this poor soul of mine hath cryed unto the Lord in my fears and he hath blessed be his name heard me and graciously delivered me out of all the fears and troubles that ever yet lay upon me And to back this for the future there was immediately that Scripture brought to my mind in Joh. 5. 19. He shall deliver thee in six troubles yea in seven there shall no evill touch thee the meditation whereof was exceeding sweet to my soul but whilst my soul lay under these enjoyments from the Lord which for a time even swallowed up my heart in the admiration of him yet notwithstanding suddenly after finding my heart exceedingly straightned to blesse and praise the name of this my God in such a manner and measure as my soul desired for all these wonderfull appearances to me I had this perswasion strongly darted into me that the Lord had some sharp affliction suddenly to lay upon me which I was fully possessed with expectation of which caused me to pour out my soul before the Lord beseeching him to fit me for it and sanctifie it unto me what ever it should be not knowing in what way or manner for to expect it apprehending it to be some sorer stroke than a little bodily affliction and because I apprehended that the sadest outward affliction that could come to me was the parting with my dear Mother I did therefore straightway apprehend this would be the trial at the thoughts of which I was at the present somewhat startled but within a few dayes on the 23 of this eleventh moneth was the Lord pleased to visit my poor body with much bodily distemper which seazed so upon my vitall spirits and so over-poured them which together with other distempers lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh in and under which if I know my own heart the greatest part of my trouble was that I could not find out what the mind of the Lord was in it in which inquiry there was some things the which were then presented to me as the ground of it as for instance The first thing that was darted into me was that the Lord did it to put a stop to me in this very act of recording the loves of the Lord to my soul who hath carried me as upon Eagles wings and as it were set me aloft Exod. 19. 4. so as no affliction or dispensation hath been able to do me hurt but have born yea forborn me and carried me all the dayes of old as he did his people Israel notwithstanding all my rebellions Esa 63. 9 10 12 15 16. and this suggestion for ought I know might come even from Sathan himself though I confesse it was presented upon a very faire account insinuating into me that it was out of the pride of my spirit which put me upon this action which caused my soul to make its address to the Lord beseeching him to search me and try my heart and my reines and withall begging of him that if there were any such corruption in the bottome which was not yet discovered to me that he would be pleased to reveal it and so put a stop to me in any actings whatsoever upon any such account And though upon the strictest search and inquiry that I was able to make into my own heart I could find little ground why I should altogether conclude with Sathan in this yet the very fear of it did for the space of half a year at least if I mistake not cause this work to cease untill it was again set with some weight upon my spirit as that which might make for the glory of my Lord and perhaps though weakly stammer out his praise when I shall be gathered into into my dust who was so unable to speak it out in my life and this I both did and do the rather beleeve to proceed from Sathan the great enemie of Soules because I find the Saints through the Scripture so ready to declare what great things the Lord had done for their soules Psal 34. 2.
8. Jer. 17. 5. and not the rock of Ages The next morning as I lay in my bed I had a secret perswasion darted into me that the Lord was even now answering a great desire of my soul that I have often yea a long time desired that the Lord would be pleased to search and try my reins and my heart and to reveal it to my soul that I might see what was in the bottome of my heart even as he saw it and that to that end he would please to turn the very inside of my heart outward and anatomize it before my eyes and surely the Lord hath been a long time yea for many years emptying me from vessel to vessel and turning me as it were upside down laying me under variety of conditions and dispensations sometimes under mercies sometimes afflictions sometimes one affliction sometimes an other sometimes under scoffs scornes injuries wrongs from neer relations sometimes sickness weaknesses pains bodily trialls spirituall exercises under the power of corruptions and temptations of all sorts and in all conditions and I hope his end is in and by all to purge away my dregs yea I hope he is now in this present affliction making a discovery of my own heart too shewing me how apt it is to depart from the living God and to seek fullness of contentment and satisfaction in poor empty things which the Lord grant I may so see as never more to pursue after them Then did the Lord the sixteenth of this 12. moneth 1652. being the fourth day of the week and our Pastors turn to preach seasonably backe this former conviction which lay upon my heart the Lord being pleased that day both through him as also by his own spirit to speak many seasonable words to my soul shewing me that indeed the true reason why I had wandered so long in a vast howling wilderness without the clear sight of his blessed face which as he now shewed me was because I had not indeed given up my self to the guidance and leading of Jesus Christ but would be gadding about to find my own way and paths of my own Jer. 2. 33 36. and therefore it was just with God to deal with me as he did with Israel of old and bring me back again causing me with sorrow to unravel all that I had done and acknowledg it to be my folly and madness to think to find the path of life and glory by any actings of my own without a clear going out of my self and by faith laying hold upon the righteousness of the Lord Jesus Christ only Yea as Israel of old upon every new straight difficulty or danger still fell to murmuring against the Lord and against his servants even so was it with my wretched heart how ready was it upon every occasion or dispensation of God to me to repine murmur and cry out why is it thus with me surely if he had any love to me it would not c. Yea as they did many of them in their hearts return back again into Aegypt after God had most eminently appeared to them and gone before them and with them even thus I saw it was with my wretched heart oh how ready is it still to return back to the creature for comfort c. yea with Demas to return again to this present world too much and that after such appearances of God to me did not the Lord ever and anon put me in mind and stir me and shew me what was in my heart Yea as Israel in their murmuring discontent cryed out would God we had dyed in Aegypt even so did my wretched heart seeing the difficulty and danger which I apprehended did attend the way to heaven and therefore fearing I should fall short and be overcome of Sathan one time or other and so brought to hell for my sins in a murmuring repining way at the various administrations of God to me often wish'd would God I had dyed in the womb And as they for this murmuring were caused to wander in the wilderness untill their carcases were wasted away and never suffered to possesse that good land or see it many of them even so how justly might the Lord have dealt thus with me and have caused me to wander in this vast desolate wilderness in my self untill not only my body which in a great measure did but untill my very soul should pine away in me but that ever the Lord should give such an unworthy wretch any sights of that good land to see those bunches of grapes c. that are there in abundance and to have any smal taste of them oh the riches of that grace how unsearchable and unfadomeable is this loving kindness and mercy These and many other sweet discoveties of himself and of my own heart was the Lord pleased to give forth into my soul this day both by his word and spirit shewing me my madness and folly in not staying in all my waye to see Christ go before me and guide and lead me but running before him upon wayes of my own which the Lord had justly and righteously yea I hope in the greatest mercy blasted to me which the Lord grant may never more be seen in or found done by me Then upon the third day of the first moneth 1653. being a day set apart by the Parliament for a publick fast thoroughout the Common-wealth Mr. Knight and Mr. Smalwood with one more kept the day at Fulham Mr. Smalwood began the day and shewed us that it was prophesied concerning Christ that he should come as a warrier amongst the Gentiles and that the chief seat of this his spiritual warre to let go that of his providential Kingdome is in the hearts of his people there being the seat of the greatest opposition against him Shewing us that the principal thing that man setteth up in his heart against Christ is his own righteousness therefore Christ wil come to wage warre in that heart where this is seated and set up against him Which through grace gave me a sight clearly of the true reason of all those combustions hurries frights and tumults in my heart for many years together that it was because Christ was coming there as a warrier to pull down those fortifications that I was making to keep him out to wit my striving and endeavouring might and main to set up my own righteousness too much and blessed for ever be that grace that thus many wayes both prevented it and also went on discovering the evill of it to me many sweet refreshments also were hinted out to my soul this day by the Lord through this his servant which came in with such mighty power upon my heart as that I cannot but record them Having now thus shewen us where it is that this seat of this warre of Christ is he then came afterwards to shew what kind of warre he doth thus wage in the hearts of his people which he opened to be the same that he waged
commander Isai 55. 4. Oh! behold him as sâ—…h an one behold him above all not onely to help at a dead lift when your own righteousness cannot do it but behold him above all as the onely governour of your souls look on him with an eye of dependence waiting for the accomplishment of his work in your souls and mourn to think that though he was given to govern you that you should be governing of your selves without him and so grieve him and if Christ be appointed by the Father to govern the Gentiles then ask your own hearts who governeth you whose laws do you obey what rule do you walk by what ends do you aim at And truly upon examination finding that Christ of his own rich grace had been thus at work in my heart and this whole dicourse being as it were but a declaration of his dealing with my soul which I could not pass by without setting down and putting it upon record it seeming to me even as if the Lord had spoken from heaven to my soul in particular therefore I think I should much dishonour him if I should not to his praise in the desires of my soul acknowledg that every one of these markes of Christ have been in some measure some more some less through grace wrought by him in my heart though I must still acknowledg that there is too much opposition against him in my soul which I desire to wait and do expect according as hath been expressed the utter subduing thereof which time I hope hasteth when Christ will come take up full possession of my soul rule in it and over it for ever The same day in the close of it Mr. Knight spent a little time upon Esay 65. 24. from which there was also many gracious discoveries hinted out to my soul concerning Gods readiness to hear before his people call where he puts us upon warchfulness what work Christ was about in the nation which the Lord was pleased to make as a spur to my dul spirit to look out what that work was that God was now doing or about to do in my heart even I hope fitting of me for a more full enjoyment of himself then did the Lord also by his servant declare out to us in these latter dayes these Gospel times wherein God hastens his work which throughly I found to be made good to my poor soul the Lord having been pleased exceedingly to hasten his work upon my heart and the manifestation of his blessed face to my soul even faster then my scant heart could imagine Which appearances of this in his manner caused my soul to enter into these serious thoughts and considerations whether I might not hence argue that sure the Lord was nigh the accomplishment of it by putting an end to to the sinful dayes of my Pilgrimage here below yea here did the Lord shew me that whatever it be that lies in the way when he comes to do this great work he wil remove or down with it and truly this I saw through grace to be his manner of dealing with my soul be it my own righteousness be it meer relations on whom I too much leaned and conceived my happiness to lie much in be it what it will Christ will remove it when he comes to do his great work therefore as I was then taught I ought to relie still upon Christs readiness which the Lord grant I may There was also hinted to us that nothing was satisfactory to the Saints call but Gods answer where the Lord was pleased to convince my soul of the evil that I had so long been guilty of that I still poured out my prayers before the Lord but never regarded any answer concluding that God would never answer them and truly now the Lord hath been pleased to shew me that it is a great sinne in me to content my self in pouring out my desires and never looking after the returns of them untill the Lord was pleased suddenly and in an unexpected manner and measure as he hath promised to come in with an answer to my soul even before I thought of it or expected it though I had often begged it of the Lord. Another thing was then hinted to my soul which the Lord hath been pleased to give me much experience of to wit what a blessed thing it is and comfortable to the soul to have mercies come in as an answer to prayer which is that which maketh them sweet indeed to that soul that enjoyeth them there was also at this blessed season that objection answered that the Saints often pray and yet God doth not answer shewing First that many times they do not well understand Gods answers but his answers are very full though they understand them not Secondly yea sometimes he answers by conversing with the soul at that time admiting them into his presence with that freedome Thirdly by giving of them strength of grace for the attendance and waiting upon him Fourthly sometimes by awakening of the soul by a due prizing of the mercies begged Fifthly sometimes by giving in of mercies that are not in the same kind the soul would have them every of which wayes I now see the Lord hath answered those prayers which formerly I thought had been covered with a cloud from all wich did the Lord stir up my soul to a quick lively diligent search into the answers of prayers that had been put up to the Lord by my poor soul for many years past to this day in the search of which I found many rich answers that I had long robbed the Lord of the glory of The ninth of March did the Lord please to send that servant of his Mr. Marshall to the Chappel at Fulham who did from the Lord declare a most gracious and comfortable word to my soul which the Lord pleased to blesse to me and may be ground for my faith while I have a day to live in this sinneful world that which the Lord was pleased to hint from him 1 Ephes 22 23. from which he took occasion to shew us that Christ do stand in that relation to all his Saints as the naturall head doth to the natural body and that therefore as in the natural body all those perfections that are in the head are in it for the good and use of the whole body and that if every limb and joint if it could speak it might say I am at ease I can see taste smel and the like therefore all these perfections in Christ the head are in him for the good and use of every one of his members What ever can be spoken concerning Christ as undertaking the work of mans salvation they are these perfections of Christ the head as for example as the fulness of Christs person his divine and humane perfections all the excellencies of his offices all his merits and all his satisfactions gifts graces every thing that can be truely spoken of Christ since he was designed of God
poor servant a profiting spirit under his administrations to her which desires were not onely put up before the Lord but are the issuings out of my heart frequently before the Lord on her behalfe March 31 the Lord was exceedingly pleased to put it upon my heart to seek his face in the behalf of my dear Brother desiring above all earthly blessings that the Lord would be pleased to give me him in as a return of prayer that one so night me might not perish in which desires he drew out my heart exceedingly insomuch then and often since so that I could willingly pour out my very life for him that the Lord would but touch his heart in mercy and that that work we hope the Lord hath begun in him he would finish telling the Lord withall that he had said what ever we ask beleeving we shall receive beseeching him to increase my saith telling him further that it was my desire to beleeve and expect the return of this poor desire in his own time and how it might make most for his glory and that if it were his will to let me see it and that seeing he had given me thus much boldness from the experience of his richness in answering the desires of my poor soul both for my self and others that he would also please to give in this poor Brother as a return of prayer and help me to give him the glory of it and truly immediately before this duty it was much set upon my heart to beg of God to manifest his pleasure to me in this thing and in drawing out my heart and the heart of others of his people on his behalfe March 31. In my morning-sacrifice I had this discovery or experiment hinted upon my spirit that if it were so good to be in the heart of Gods people as my soul had found by experience it was being really perswaded that much of the soul-mercies that I enjoy came in through the prayers of some of Gods people for me oh what is it then to be in the heart of God! for truly had I not been in his heart the being in their heart would little have advantaged me April the sixteenth the Lord having been pleased two or three dayes before much to disappoint that expectation of my soul providence casting me among several godly persons and finding little of God drop from them to my spiritual advantage as also finding my own heart exceedingly bound up whiles I was in their company when as I was going home it so seised upon my spirit that I thought my very heart was overset and would have burst within me all which put my soul into a holy awe and trembling for fear lest the Lord should also at this present withdraw from me which put my soul upon a more earnest and importunate seeking of him to appear to my soul through every ordinance of his that I might see his face and not his back urging of him very much with the promise that he had said that the seed of Jacob should not seek his face in vaine beseeching the Lord that it might be made good to my soul at this time the next day if he should please to adde this one opportunity more to me telling him withall that it was true I might yea I had sought other things in vaine I but should I seek his face in vaine now that I come onely to seek his face relying on his promise he had made me that I should not seek in vaine and therefore I did desire to roul upon it beseeching him to increase my faith that I might really and indeed expect the performance and making of it good at this present to my soul and truly I dare not but to his praise acknowledg and desire that the remembrance of it might dwel upon my heart and the Lord was pleased in a wonderfull manner to manifest himself this day being the 17 of April to my soul through which that whole day both in prayer and preaching every word in prayer coming as if it had been fetched from the bottom of my heart and every word in the Sermons being of such spiritual concernment to me that I could not but acknowledg the Lord mightily present through his servant Mr. Knight this day And truly this former appearance of God having so rasished my heart and refreshed my spirit I was also imboldened to seek the Lord for his appearance April 20. beseeching him that as he had begun his work in abundant measure in mercy that he would also please to go on and adde this one mercy more and trust me with it and give me a heart to improve it to his glory that as he had given me this abundant experience of not seeking his face in vaine so that he would strengthen my faith even at this time also to call upon him and truly the Lord was pleased also to bow down and appear abundantly to my soul this day also through Mr. Knight April 27. I gave up in a note this day that one desires to praise the Lord that amidst all the trials he hath been pleased to excercise her under in this pilgrimage he hath been pleased to give her some tastes of the rest that is onely to be enjoyed in himself beseeching him so to increase her faith that she may be enabled to live upon a promise this was given up to Mr. Knight to spread before the Lord April 24. 1653. For one whom the Lord hath been pleased out of his free grace to set his first love upon and continually to follow with mercy upon mercy and to give in one return upon the neck of another notwithstanding she had often in the rebellion of her heart said that God had covered all her prayers with a cloud and would never answer any of them which yet he hath abundantly done which she is not able any way sufficiently to admire or blesse his name for and therefore desires that those whose hearts the Lord hath more inlarged to this glorious heavenly work would help to blesse and praise that name of God whom there is none like unto who continually waiteth that he may be gracious beseeching him that he would also enable her soul to wait to blesse and praise his name yea wait for a heart suited to all these wonderful appearances of his to her soul that she might be more and more dedicated and given up to him and him alone in all she hath is or shall be enabled to do this also was given up to Mr. Knight April 26. apprehending that one propounded to the Church intended to address himself to the Church for admission being before much dissatisfied concerning him yet finding much inclination in the spirits of others to him I was exceedingly troubled about it and besought the Lord to direct me what to do in it beseeching him also to appear among us and give in his spirit that it might be to us a spirit of discerning that he would be pleased
even for the full accomplishment of his own promise who hath said sinne shall not have dominion over his that are not under the law but under grace as also that he would tread down Sathan under his peoples feet shortly which my soul desires to wait upon him for and in the mean time desires to blesse his name and that you would blesse him together with me that he was pleased to open any fountaines of love and mercy in this vale of teares so abundantly fulfilling to my poor soul that word of his which he was pleased no sooner to set upon my heart with a perswasion in some measure that it should be made good rouling though weakly upon him for it but that he was pleased so to do indeed that word I found Isai 56. 19. When the enemies shall come in like a flood the spirit of the Lord shall set up a standard against them for which I desire to blesse his name beseeching him that those impressions that he was pleased by his spirit through several words of his to make upon my heart might never be forgotten by me but that they might continually be as supports to my poor weak faith that it may grow from strength to strength even till I shall meet my God blessed for ever be that God that was pleased to know my poor soul in this hour of temptation and to take this poor lame soul and lead and carry it of being not able to go one step in any of his wayes without his hand but that it getteth one knock or bruise or other yea blessed for ever be that God and Saviour that will not suffer his poor creature to slip as he doth others but was pleased in rich mercy to be ever awakening my poor drowsy spirit by one affliction or another the thoughts of which do much refresh my spirit and seemeth at present a special token of his love for which I desire to blesse him and oh that I could praise the name of that God and Father who is the Father of all mercy and God of all consolation for truely I must needs say I am perswaded Sathan had not now been let loose to buffet me thus had I not been so sleepy and drowsy in spirit but blessed be that rod that awakned my poor soul from the sleep of any sinne so that the Lord will but please to work it out which I desire to wait on God for I should for some respect have forborn this duty of praise but that the Lord hath let in the clear sight of this mercy as also lest I should prove ungrateful for so large manifestation of mercy though all I can do in it is a meer nothing the greater is the goodness of God that bowes down to accept such broken praises which I have cause even to lament over having too little spiritual life in them when as in truth my whole soul and body should be a holy and lively sacrifice to God which the Lord inable me to do to that God whence all my enjoyments come in whom I desire to rest your unworthy but in desire and hope real friend for my Lords sake FINIS THE SECOND BOOK OF Manifold Experiments Of Gods dealing with my Soul in hearing Prayers and other gracious incomes of Love THe Lord was pleased to help me very much in this search by Mr. Knight who spake from this Scripture at Fulham the ninth of this ninth Moneth In the 12 of Luke 42 43. from which he shewed We have the Lord setting out the blessednesse of that servant that is faithful in the work that his Lord intrusteth him about and whom his Lord when he comes findeth to be so doing as he appointed Now O my soul what comfortable hopes canst thou gather out from the serious examination of thy own heart upon this point that the Lord hath made thee faithful though thou art poor weak and unworthy every way to be the servant of such a Lord what canst thou say to this hath the Lord indeed made thee faithful Ans 1. I gather some hopes of it that the Lord hath made me in some measure faithful from that sincerity that the Lord hath put into my heart to aim purely at his glory in all I do in this world the contrary to which causeth much bitterness in my spirit yet through the prevalency of the unregenerate part in me I am many times byassed and carried aside to aim at other things in many of my wayes but the glory of my Lord is my principal aim For if I know any thing of my own heart through mercy I do find it set to seek the honour of Christ and to walk in wayes well pleasing to him though I do too often sadly wander from these intents and desires which was discovered to be the real burthen of my life 2. In that the Lord hath been pleased to put into my soul I hope a real desire te do his whole will and therein to appear faithful daily desiring and begging of him that I might not at any time in any command of his be found consulting with flesh and blood but that as soon as ever he discovereth his wils in any thing whatever to me that he would also inable me to obey it readily Finding the Spirit of the Lord I hope oftentimes breathing in my soul after this manner Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde will to me in all my wayes that is it I beg of thee and though it be never so contrary to flesh and blood yea though I can see nothing but that it is laid out for to afflict me and to be a trial and exercise for me and so have nothing to induce me but thy will yet Lord if thou wilt but discover thy minde in it to me what would I then beg of thee but onely a ready frame to yield obedience to thy will and leave the success sanctifying of it to me to thy self and if on the other side I think any mercy to be never so good or for my advantage yet if thou seest meet to discover to my soul that thy will is not in it would I not then if I know my own heart beg above all things to have my will to be wholly swallowed up into thine Lord And this hope is grounded in some measure upon the abundant experience the Lord hath given me of his goodness and mercy and abundant kindness in his often denying me of my will 3 I hope the Lord hath in some measure made me a faithful Servant in that he hath set my soul upon the watch to know his minde and will indeavouring and desiring to keep my eye upon him and him only that I might see what his minde and will is who hath said that he will guide his by his eye which causeth my soul though with much weaknesse not onely earnestly to desire but also to indeavour to reflect upon all my motions and actions and thoughts and words in this
thing fearing lest I have too much eye to my own comfort and advantage which I beg of God to crucifie in me 12ly Though there be too much if the Lord saw it good of this wicked root of pride and self-confidence in me yet is the Lord pleased blessed be his Name ever and anon to be pulling off those proud plumes and put in me most ferious and solid thoughts to make me see that all that I have done or am able to do is very little and so making my soul in some measure to walk humbly upon this two-fold respect First Considering that my Lord is so worthy and the service that I am able to do so unworthy of him now shall that Lord that hath done so much for me have such service as this Oh how poor and low is it the thoughts whereof the Lord was pleased sometimes to make a means to abase me Secondly Another thing the Lord was pleased sometimes to make a means to humble my soul was the consideration of this That the defects in all my services of him arise not so much from without no nor from all the powers of Satan and Hell as from within as from the corruption of my own heart and this maketh me often cry out before the Lord of the body of death O wretched creature that I am the good that I would that do I not but the evil that I hate that I do 13. O my soul art thou not really glad if by any means thou mayest be made faithful and is not all that thou dost almost in order to this wherefore else dost thou read hear pray meditate converse with Saints but still that thou mightest be more able for and faithful in the service of thy Lord 14. Shall I say I gather some comfortable hopes hence that my Lord hath made me in some measure faithful in that I love my work more then my life I trust through grace I may speak something to this also I confess often times in my most serious thoughts if my heart do not wretchedly deceive me I could gladly part with this wretched life and desire to be with Christ which is far better and oftentimes am ready to be impatient of delayes until the Lord was pleased sometimes to quiet my heart with such like thoughts as these Shall be willing hereafter to receive my wages and should I not be as willing to do my Lords work here and in his own time What though it be sad work to work in the darkest Mines of Corruption and Temptation to be continually fighting and wrestling with those Enemies of my Lords and of my soul and shall I not be willing to do his work as the Jews did theirs in building the Wall of Jerusalem that he will have me to work with one hand and with the other to hold a weapon with my shield alwaies by my side in a continual fighting posture Shall I not be willing to serve my Lord in his own way O Lord if I know my own heart I would do it therefore Lord help me and make me faithful in it that I may never make any peace with one Enemy of thine or give them any quarter but continually seek their life ruine and blood who drew the blood of my dearest Lord. Lord shall say that these things do hold forth in any measure my faithfulness to thee Or do they not rather hold forth thy faithfulness to my poor soul who hast ever appeared faithful though I have been unbelieving and unfaithful yet thou hast been faithful and it is thou that indeed workest all my works in and for me which Lord hasten the compleating of making my soul such as thy soul may delight in even a Spouse fit for my Lord Jesus The next day being the 25. of the 10. Month commonly called by English people Christmas or the blessed time but I am sure through the rich grace of God it proved a blessed time to my poor soul for though through the temptations of Satan I went with a sad heart before the Lord this Lords day yet ever and anon was my heart filled with exceeding joy wâ—… joy arose in part from the refreshment the Lord gave me in communion with him over night after I had with some sadness attended upon him all the morning not finding so ful an appearance of his as I vvas filled vvith an expectation of yet in that afternoon hovv gloriously did the Lord appear through Mr. Knights Ministry in many sweet refreshments and seasonable truths to my poor soul which came in with so much the more life and povver the Lord having but the day before given me such a discovery of my heart and of the vvorkings of it before him as also of that full resignation that he hath wrought in me of my whole self and by-ends and will to him Mr. Knight spoke this day from 3 Joh. 18. and finished it there was one vvord in a special manner set upon my heart from 1 Cor. 1. 30. Who is made unto us of God wisdom righteousness sanctification redemption And oh how much need hath my soul of all these Of vvisdom to guide me Of righteousness to plead for me of sanctification being a polluted wretch defiled all over yea of redemption out of the hands of Satan my own corruptions seeing Christ is made thus of God not only in himself so but unto us Then up O my soul believe as thou wert then lively pressed to hadst so many svveet encouragements as thou hadst that day inwhich the Lord vvas pleased in a great measure to ansvver thy desires over night vvhich appearances of the Lord were so much the more glorious and his condiscention the greater by how much he had three or four times before gloriously appeared to my soul through our said Pastor but through one temptation or another I was still prevented from giving or returning publike Praises for it as I did desire but often provoked and occasioned rather to wrangle against my own mercy and fall to questioning how I might know whether they were appearances of God yea or no now that the Lord was pleased to pass by all this and so condiscend to my weakness and folly as to appear so gloriously as he did even as it were with an holy violence to force or constrain me to acknowledge it to Mr. Knight and desire him to bless the Lord for it providence ordering it so that I was all alone at the Meeting-House this day between the two Sermons for the space of two hours or more I earnestly desired the Lord to shew me what his mind was or what ends he might aim at in these tryals and administrations towards me as I sate ruminating and considering what ends the Lord might aim at there were these things hinted with mighty power upon my spirit as 1. Truly I feeling my heart before in a very dead listless cold frame in the presence of the Lord who did by
this hand of his in a lively manner quicken up my spirit and cause it to work up lively in his presence 2. Yea he did by it give me a clear sight of the workings of my own heart of its desire at the last to be fully resigned unto him and be wholly at hisdispose more then ever before yea I found my desire to be wrought up unto that pitch to seek his glory first in all things 3. Yea the Lord by this means drew up and drew out my heart to a longing earnest and vehement desire to be led and guided by him in all his wayes telling him that I was such a poor foolish weak creature that I was not able to go one step in any of my wayes natural or spiritual without him and therefore seeing that he had promised to guide the simple and lead the weak that he would now in an eminent manner appear to be my guide in all my wayes even to the death and not at any time leave me to my self or the vanities and allurements of this world the temptations of Satan or the wicked corruptions of my own heart I being so ready to be drawn aside by them and therefore begging again and again to be kept by his mighty power 4. Yea I had through this occasion a renewed token from my God Father filling my heart wâ—th such joy and confident expectation of his appearance even before the duty wherein I sought it of him was ended which made me beg of him to encrease and keep up my faith and not suffer Satan to cause a damp in it causing me any more to distrust his love who had so largely manifested it from time to time to me 5. Yea did not the Lord shew me how righteous it was with him that I who had so often rashly said that did not trouble my headvvith these things though I then saw it not the Lord shewed me that it was righteous with him that I should now not only have my head troubled but my heart also so that all along the Lord was pleased to outvvit Satan so that what he thought to have made a snare to intrap me in the Lord made as great an advantage to my soul as ever any administration was The next Lords day being the first of this 11th Moneth 1653. being filled in the morning with very sad thoughts and apprehensions of my own darkness and deadness and the like beseeching the Lord that it might be no bar or hinderance to his appearance to my poor soul that day but that he would appear so much the more by how much the darker I was for by so much the more would the glory of his grace shine forth upon such a a dark creature O how gloriously did the Lord appear this day in answer to these desires and that in a lively unexpected way in guiding Mr. Knight in his Sermon which was now fixed upon John 3. 19. to begin with it that day that suited me for I did onely expect as himself had formerly intended that he should only hold forth the sadness of their condition who love darkness more then light but when he came to meditate about it he could not as he told me afterwards get over the first words of light coming into the world the Lord drawing out his heart that day to treat wholly about Jesus Christ being sent a light into the world to enlighten poor dark creatures which came in so seasonably and sutably upon my poor heart that I cannot but much admire the grace of God in it The next day being the eighth day of the eleventh moneth and the Lords day O how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear to my poor distressed soul in answer to its desires and groans before him making use of our dear Pastour as the instrument of his conveyance even throughout the whole service of the day the truth is I am not able to declare the goodness of the Lord to my soul at this time O that I could admire it for I cannot express it what seasonable truths refreshments counsels and directions the Lord was pleased to hint out to me this day A Copy of some desires which I spread before the Lord which were offered up upon a day of Humiliation THere is one who desires a share in the Petitions that are this day poured out in the spirit to the Lord beseeching him that as he sent his own son into the world to be a light to those who sit in darkness and to guide their feet in his wayes that he would be pleased to make him appear to be so to their souls by undertaking to be their guide and leader in all their wayes and to that end that he would be pleased to reveal his will more fully to them go in all their wayes before them and inable them cheerfully to follow him but at no time to go before without him or stay behinde him This was in relation to my self and my present condition desiring still to see the Lord more clearly going before me Upon the reading this Bill in my behalf they seemed all of them that read it to be exceedingly taken with it reading it over and over again and pausing upon it finding it to take much upon them upon which my wicked heart being too ready to swell how graciously was the Lord pleased to cast in such expressions as these upon Mr. Blake's heart which after some time pausing upon it he uttered which did much abase my spirit It is an easie matter said he to speak and present fine words in papers and in prayers but if we should now enter into a serious examination of our own hearts what we have done towards the attainment of these things which we thus desire that the Lord may be petitioned for perhaps our hearts may charge us of much hypocrisie and neglect therein in matters of bodily sickness and pains we do not onely seek the Lord but we observe all means that we can for cure and try all Physicians and the like but have we done so for the attainment of these spiritual mercies or no vve could be content perhaps if God vvould do it vvithout us and our pains in the serious consideration vvhereof hovv sadly did my guilty heart fly in my face though not in reference to this present desire I must confess yet in reference to many other desires that I have formerly spread before the Lord for the subduing of pride and passion and other corruptions vvhich I vvould gladly have subdued and yet in my course I gave too much vvay to them and set not so strict a watch over mine ovvn heart as I onght as I desire the Lord to help me to do O my soul hovv graciously vvas the Lord pleased to appear this day being the second day of this tvvelsth moneth through Mr. Knights Ministry at Westminster Abby as a God hearing prayer yea ansvvering thy desires as to those petitions put up over night
hovv gloriously vvas the Lord pleased to unvail the Lord Jesus Christ to thee as a Physician to poor sick souls vvhich discovery of him as it vvas very glorious so most suitable to the present estate of thy spirit being as I trust I may truly say sick of its self of all its vvayes and doubts and failings to all my relations conversations and O hovv svveet and seasonable vvas it novv to hear of such a Physician as he was gloriously held out to be from that 9 Matth. 12. and for the other suit in causing my soul deeply to fall in love with him and to be really taken off from all things else even for this I desire to wait until the same Lord shall please to give in as gracious an answer which I trust he will also do in his due time And for those requests put up this morning I could not but acknowledge that the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down and give me a sensible token of his glorious and gracious presence through which that present mercy in prayer every word coming as it were from my very heart in both the prayers before and after Sermon being the very groans and breathings of my soul before the Lord and every word in the Sermon almost being as it were spoken from heaven to my heart so fully and in those very things that my heart was at that very time burthened withall and I thought to have vented to Mr. Knight our dear Pastor the day before which if the Lord had not prevented me in I really fear that I should not have had so clear and gracious a sight of God in this his appearance but should have thought surely he had spoken those things in relation to me but blessed be that God that ordereth things so as to give his poor creature a more clear sight of the riches of his grace even as a prayer-hearing God and all this notwithstanding the rebellions of my spirit even under the hopes of his appearances breaking out into that rash and sinful word being exceedingly wearied going up and down Westminster-hall and to White-hall and to and fro up and down then as I said did the passion of my wicked spirit cause me to break out into this foolish sinful expression saying If I had known this I would not have come out this day when as perhaps the Lords intent by it was to try me and make the folly of my heart appear to me and see how my faith could bear up against those discouragements and bodily trials for my body was much distempered and in this my walking up and down I had a pain took me under my side that strook through my brest to my heart that I looked every moment when I should fall down in the street as I went along and as I came back yet notwithstanding all this my rebellion and repenting of my journey was the Lord pleased not to do by me as righteously he might for he repented not of his intended kindness to me though I repented at my waiting upon him for it and though I was full of changes yet he changed not but when the Lord was pleased to bring me back again to Westminster and that in due time I was glad and began to recover my spirit again O how was my heart filled as it were with this exceeding appearance of the Lord and in some measure inlarged that evening to bless his Name who had so often appeared and to all added the mercy of this day manifesting self to be a God hearing prayer but O that cursed unbelief of my wicked heart that hath had so much and so manifold appearances of God and of his goodness and should yet trust him no more which also greatly drew out my heart to beg of him to crucifie my unbelief but I confess this was it that often gave the turn and draweth a cloud as it were before me even the mighty prevalences of corruption in my soul which maketh me often to cry out Lord when shall I see this body of death and sin subdued and crucified and my soul fully subjected to thee this being the burthen of my soul even then when the Lord shines forth most clearly upon my heart to think what an unsuitable frame of spirit is there in me to all those wonderful wayes of the Lord towards me that by all the sights he gives me of himself and his will I am no more changed into his likeness The 15 day of this twelfth Moneth at night the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart to beg of him the rooting out of those corruptions issuing out of my heart to the creature and gathering of it up into him self and ordering my affections and the like as also being greatly drawn out to bless and praise him beseeching him to inable me to it to bless him for his answers so often given me to the importunate desires and requests of my soul when I had so often tempted him for it was not Israel only that tempted him ten times but I had often tempted him so that he might have righteously given that I begged of him and a curse together with it but I did now greatly desire to bless him that hitherto he had denied me in it beseeching him so to do still and subject my soul to him in all my wayes begging him earnestly that he would once work my heart to such assurance that I might be careful in nothing and in nothing thoughtful for or studious about any thing here below and to give up my self wholly to be at his dispose yea more then ever I had been to any bodily Physician beseeching him now that he would undertake to be my souls Physician and to cure me of those soul-distempers in my affections and practises let the physick be vvhat he vvill let it but be of his prescribing and to support my spirit under his hand and make it vvilling to submit to his vvill and then Lord do with me vvhat thou vvilt And novv father what are those requests that thou vvilt hear hast thou not said what ever we ask in thy Sons name thou wilt hear vvhy in thy Sons name I desire to come for J have nothing else to plead there is nothing in me but for thy Sons sake the Son of thy bosome and love who died for poor sinners such as thy poor vvorm is for his sake and in his Name J come unto thee and thou hast said whatsoever we ask according to thy vvill thou wilt hear Novv Lord is not this agreeable to thy will to be conformed more to thee and have my vvill more subjected to thee and my affections more placed upon thee O then Lord seeing thou saiest What we ask believing we shall have it Lord increase my faith help me to wait upon thee believingly The eighteenth of this twelfth moneth having been these eight or nine days last past somewhat distempered in body which distemper prevailing more and
that I might thereby be changed more into his own Image The 2. day of the 2. Month being this morning in some measure made sensible of my own deadness and dulness to the things of God and barrenness and unprofitableness under all the means of grace I apprehending it very righteous with the Lord to deal with me according to my desert and not to manifest any thing to my soul yet pressing him much though I deserved the contrary yet for his own name sake and for my Lord Jesus sake to be pleased to appear to my poor soul and let me have some sight of himself telling him that he had gloriously appeared formerly to my soul and he was the same still and O that he would now break through and give me a sweet kiss from himself and how gloriously did the Lord this day condesend and bow down to the desires of his poor unworthy vvorme through that servant of his Mr. Bramble by vvhom and through vvhom many seasonable truths were hinted to my spirit both in way of further reviving of my deadness and dulness and in vvay of comfort and direction for vvhich O that I could indeed bless and praise the name of this my glorious God The third day of the second Month. Having extream desire to go and heare Mr. Cradock the next day I told my Mother over night perswading her to it she having very urgent occasions but at last prevailing I found my self very much distempered next morning with a great cold which I had got notwithstanding which I got up but before I was quite dressed I had such a stitch took me in my back in such an extream manner that I knevv not how to lean any way it was in such an extream manner which held me for the space of two hours continually almost until it was full time to go in all which time I reasoned stil with my self what I shold do fearing I should not hold out that journy nor be able when I was there to sit to hear because of it yet at last having had such experience of God formerly I did desire now to rol upon him betook me to some short desires to him beseeching him if he saw it good to give me so much inward and outward strength as might at this time inable me to honor and glorifie him earnestly begging his appearance to my soul quickning and raising it conforming it more to himself with many other desires relating to my spiritual condition and how seasonably did the Lord come in this day through Mr. Cradocks Ministry both conveying of Counsels Cautions and Comforts The Comforts were from Rom. 8. 32. And for the stitch and pain in my back I bless the Lord it went so away that I felt it not all that while I was abroad but did as it were quite forget that it troubled me that day so did the Lord appear to my body also Many blessed sights the Lord gave me also this day through that servant of his Mrs. Blackborn whom I met at James hearing Mr. Cradock who came home vvith us and related much to me how it vvas vvith Mr. Cradock how sad his temptations vvere which came most seasonably to my consideration to take me off from rash thoughts I vvas ready to take up but the day before concerning others still many other seasonable things she hinted to me of the fears that often vvere upon her spirit touching self-ends fearing that she might desire beg for and seek after good things and yet all but out of self-ends complaining of the strife she found oftentimes between her judgment and affections yet being drawn out to bless God for denying of her that vvhich at the very present her affections ran out after all which jealousie and fears lying sadly upon my own spirit hearing her that was such an ancient Christian complain also of the same was to me a little refreshment Some scattered Meditations the second Month. 1654. COnsidering the vanity of all creatures compared with the Lord what is there in the creature desirable the best of men vvhich are the best of creatures are nothing else then vanity they are but a shadow compared vvith the substance nay they are but dark shadows now what wise creature is taken much with a shadovv what is there in creatures the best of creatures man himself that is desirable as for beauty that is vanity of vanities the rarest thing in this vanity should no way take upon a gracious spirit that was raised up to higher things but to go to the utmost hight the best things and most desirable in the best of men is their resemblances of or likeness unto the Lord yet in this they are but like unto pictures yea dark ones now who would be much taken vvith the Picture that might at the same time enjoy the thing that is pictured yet some Pictures made by the hand of man may in appearance far excel in beauty and loveliness the thing pictured and herein the best of creatures are but dark dead low resemblances yea very poor ones of the eternal God Pictures are often desired because of the fading uncertain enjoyment of the thing pictured which often times fadeth before the Picture but what creature comes near to the representation of God the Picture quickly fadeth and dyes but the substance is eternal Who then would desire or be over-much taken with such a Picture that perhaps seemeth fair to day but fadeth to morrow which is the condition of all finite creatures but that infinite God is an everlasting Father the Lord Jesus an ever-living Interceder and the Spirit of Truth an abiding Comforter yea in every Relation wherein the Lord is pleased to manifest himself he is that to his to all eternity Yea as Pictures are poor dead useless things in comparison of the person they resemble only a delighting the eye such are the very best of creatures compared with the Lord can they speak if he be silent can they effect ought if he withdraw Can they smile if he frown Can they refresh if he rebuke Can they heal if he wound Can they raise up if he cast down There is neither any life or motion in them separated from him they have eyes but see not ears but hear not hands but act not feet but walk not tongues but speak not to any spiritual advantage unless he that is the life of their lives puts life into all these and when he hath done acts in through by and with them The tenth day of the second Month. The Lord having been pleased to hint out to me by Mr. Bramble the 9th of the second Month 1654. that the Lord vvas pleased oftentimes in mercy to appoint some wearisom nights and dayes to his people wherein they could not take any rest that so they might call their own hearts to an account seriously before the Lord and the like which I pondering upon and thinking with my self how eminent the Lord hath appeared to my
soul in former dayes in the Night-seasons and how sweet my Meditation of him hath been Night and Morning upon my Bed and how barren my heart hath been for some time of late in these Meditations and how the Lord hath seemed to withdraw these thoughts did put me upon it the tenth of this second Month in the Evening to beg of God that as he had formerly appeared in such seasons that he would please to return that mercy even by those torches of his hand whereby my Nights are very wearisome to my body by reason of my extream Cough truly I did the more press it upon the Lord in my desires having much groaned to think that Night would be very wearisom to me more then any formerly by reason of my distemper but my good God who worketh all things after the counsel of his own Will and not according to our thoughts or fears or hopes so ordered it that what I had reason most to fear he gave me least to feel and though I was much distempered in my head when I vvent to bed by reason of my cold that vvas so great yet did he give me very good rest all the fore-part of the night vvhich vvhen I avvaked tovvards morning and began to consider Oh I could not but admire but vvithal began to think that though my desires about this vvere ansvvered and though I had rest of body yet no communion vvith my God or reasonings with my own heart which I intended to have parlyed a little with while I had these thoughts and the like lying in a slumbering vvay there vvas this thought brought to my mind which Mr. Cradock the fourth day of this second Month mentioned upon another occasion the words were these That vain man would be wise that was born like a wild Asses Colt These words ran much in my mind and some thoughts were given in upon them with a great desire I might not forget them but might in the Morning see and finde out that place of Scripture but the Lord giving me as I thought an opportunity and so much strength as to go and hear Mr. Cradick I hasted as soon as I could get up to prepare for going but when we came there having prayed to the Lord in some few words that he would please to give me some sight of himself some transforming sight and some kisses from his lips this day but going there we were disappointed for that exercise was for some occasions put off to next morning and so we came home again and coming home being a little sadned in my spirit thinking of my Morning-desires when an answer should be of them or how looked for I sate me down and fell to reading a little of Mr. Cradocks Sermon before mentioned and meeting with these vvords Oh vain man that would be wise put me again in mind of my Night-thoughts and fell to looking the Scripture and found it in Job 11. 12. For vain man would be wise though man be born like a wild Asses Colt some hints there were that fell upon my heart this night from these vvords Vain man would be wise Good God! hath not this been my condition this poor vain creature would I not fain be wise and thought to be so and often prided my self in the thoughts of it for which the Lord righteously shevvs me novv and then my folly yet how fain would I be wise in chalking out Waies for the Lord to walk in tovvards me even as if I knew better what were good for me then God or how to accomplish that Work in my soul better then he and therefore am I so ready to prescribe to him Wayes yea and if he refuses and rejects them as for the most part he is pleased in mercy to do blessed be his Name Oh! how sadly doth it often lie upon my spirit and how apt am I to think hardly of the Lord that truly he doth not mean me any good in denying me this or that I desire And for the later vvords though man be born like a wild Asse Colt concerning vvhich I had some scattered thoughts but not so composed as afterwards But after I had come home from James next day and had looked this Scripture and found it sitting and pausing a vvhile upon it my spirit being very much sadned and unfit for any serious spiritual meditation at last I betook my self to some short requests to the Lord telling him That as he vvas pleased thus to disappoint my expectation of the publike enjoyment yet in him there was a fulness of all povver and ability thereby being as able to speak to me by his own spirit something that might be of spiritual advantage some transforming vvords which he is able to do as vvell in private as in publike which I did now beg of him and to that end besought him to lead me by the hand this day and guide me into the Way and put me upon the Work and that he would please to appear to me with many other requests both for my own soul and others in relation to me But not knowing vvhat Work to set upon this day or what to take in hand but waiting upon the Lords direction having many things in my thoughts to do but desirous of some vvord from God to my poor soul but this vvord in Job 11. 12. following me still I fell to some further thoughts of it and ruminating on the latter clause of being like the wild Asse I began to think what that Scripture did record of this creature that I saw did resemble me fully and there these words of the Prophet brought to my minde that it went up and down snuffing up the Wind and is ready to be found in her moneth which words I found in Jeremiah 2. 24. A wild Asse used to the wilderness that snuffeth up the wind at her pleasure in her occasion who can turn her away all these that seek her will weary themselves in her Month they shall find her In which as also in most part of the chapter I find many things that sate very close to me the Lord began thus it was with me for in v. 2. I remember saith he the kindnest of thy youth the love of thine espousals when thou wentest after me in the Wilderness in a Land that was not sown In the time of thy darkness sorrows and tears and bondage when thou wentest after me and often in the bitterness of thy soul resolved to follow me through this Wilderness though thou shouldest perish in so doing yea resolving so to follow me as that thy heart was then fully as it vvere taken off from all but me thou didst desire nothing but my self But ver 5. What Iniquity have your Fathers found in me that you go from me to follow after vanity How righteously may the Lord say thus to me vvas he not better to me by far then ever I expected or could have believed v. 6. Neither said they Where
about so much to change thy way to run from one thing in the world to another thou also shalt be ashamed of Aegypt as thou wast of Assyria V. 37. Thou shalt go forth from him and thy hand upon thy head in a posture of lamentation for the Lord hath rejected thy confidence thou shall not prosper in them The Lord perswade thy heart fully of these truths and work thy soul to a frame sutable thereunto The 18. day of this second Month 1654. This Afternoon being somewhat burthened at the wretched out-going of my vvicked heart which was like a vvild thing ready to break out upon every occasion even in reading the Scripture its self how sadly doth it take occasion to flye out the thoughts whereof very much oppressed my spirit whilst I was seeking the Lord about it it was darted into me that the Lord might be even now answering my own Prayers and desires though the answer of them seemed thus dreadful to me for oh how often have I formerly begged and desired of God that he would discover my own heart to me that he would anatomize it that I might see and know it even as he sees and knows it and the like and for ought I know this sad working up of corruption may even be to give me a sight of what filth there is within my heart yea may I not in some measure have provoked the Lord to suffer and permit sin to vvork in me by so vehement desires Oh good Lord What need then had we poor creatures to seek of thee to teach souls what and how to pray for truly we know not what to pray nay when thou comest in answer even to our own importunate desires how unable are we to bear the answer of our ovvn Prayers Oh the vvretchedness of my heart is it not polluted in all that ever it doth and saith Is not self and some by and base ends or other at the end of every thought vvord and action doth there not still step in some thing of self yea too often something of sin yea vvhen in company I speak best yea such things as others seem to admire at such expressions and experiences but alas is there not much sin in it Am I able to do to live or practise vvhat I speak Nay is there not most an end some base end either in the speaking of it or that comes in headlong after it Oh cursed frame of spirit The 20 day of this second Month 1654. having sought the Lord that he would breath in by his spirit upon my soul and give me some sights of himself some communion with him and some discoveries from him this Afternoon There were these hints fell upon my heart soon after that I had been very remiss in improving those precious glorious appearances of God to my soul through our dear Pastor that so nearly concerned me from that 45. Psalm and that therefore the Lord had justly laid him aside for a time even whilest he vvas entring into it O blessed Lord hast thou watched over me in the time of my childhood vanity unregeneracie when I knew not my right hand from my left hast thou been with me ever since to this day and should I now distrust thee or fear that thou shouldest now leave me to my self O cursed unbelief hast thou vvatched over me these six and twenty years and suffered no evil to overtake me but made all things to work together for my good and should I now fear and mistrust thy love Hast thou provided for me to this day that no good hath been wanting to me and shall I novv distrust thee or think thou wilt withhold any thing thou seest good for me Nay Hast thou not vvith-held me from evil that would have hurt me and must I now murmure repine and cry out of thy want of love to me and that thou shouldest bear all this and go on further to make out thy love to me and shall I yet distrust thee Hast thou overcome death and hell for me that I am not novv in that slavish fear of them as formerly I have been and shall I still fear that thou wilt not overcome my corruptions for me O cursed unbelief The 23. day of the second Month 1654. In the Morning being much discouraged in reference to any hopes of Gods appearance having heard but slender commendations of him that was to speak this day yet being desirous to look up to the Lord I besought him that he would please to give my soul some sight of himself and communion with him and that as I had former experiences from him that the instrument was nothing if he would please to undertake the work therefore I besought him that his povver might so appear that my soul might have a sight of him and there might be some seasonable word spoken that might do my soul good and truly I must needs acknowledge the Lord was pleased graciously to bow dovvn and manifest his presence exceedingly beyond my expectation this day The fourth day of this third Month 1654. being to take a portion of Physick I besought the Lord that it might accomplish his will and pleasure upon me and if that lay in health that it might be sanctified to me if in sickness that my vvill might be bowed and submitted to his will The 7. day of this third Month at night the Lord drew out myheart to beg of him amongst other requests that he would pardon all my mis-spent time and help me to improve what ever time he should see mete to give me more to his praise and glory and to that end if he should see mete to give me to enjoy another day and see the beginning of a new Week that he would also give me a new heart and a new spirit and help me to walk more to his praise improving time better then formerly The next Morning being the 8. of this third Month I besought the Lord for his presence that day notwithstanding all my unprofitableness and unworthiness of it with much to that effect And truly the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down and spake many sweet and seasonable things to my soul both through that servant of his Mr Bradshaw that preached that day at Fulham as also by his spirit through some Scripture then hinted unto us which caused my soul that night to breath out before the Lord desiring to bless him for it yet lamenting my unprofitableness under such glorious appearances of his and mis-improvement of them lamenting also the great iniquity of my tongue beseeching the Lord now to set a Watch before my mouth and to keep the door of my lips as also my heart The 13. of this third Month in the Morning as I was going down I had a strong repulse upon my spirit to speak a few words unto the Lord before I went down at which time my heart was greatly drawn out to speak to God to curse and blast and root
out of my heart these bitter Roots Pride Passion and inordinate Affections in a special manner that of Passion he first drew out my heart in this address to God finding it so sadly prevailing telling the Lord that he had often shewed me the evil of this both from the Scriptures time after time coming sometimes with mighty power upon my heart yet going off again yea he had appeared against all these evils in many experiences of the folly and vanity of them especially those of Pride and inordinate affections how often had he shewed me the emptiness of all creatures yea in the very things I expected most from And how often had he blasted my pride by these continual scoffs I met Mithal and by all those infirmities upon my body for all which I desire to bless his Name beseeching him once to speak effectually to my heart to the utter ruine of these evils in me The 24. day of this fourth Month being in my Closet the Lord drew out my heart to pray that he would please to manifest his presence and drop something upon my heart that might be for my spiritual good and advantage in answer thereunto the Lord was pleased unexpectedly to cast me upon this Scripture the 40. of Isaiah 1. Where the Lord begins with a command to comfort his Church yea to comfort them at the very heart but thou mayest say What doth he comfort them withall 2. First Tell her Her warfare is accomplished 2. Her Iniquity is pardoned yea he addeth She hath received of the Lords hand double for all her sins twice as much mercy as she had sin 3. He goes on with a gracious Promise That God would have a way made for him in the Desart 4. And that Every Valley should he exalted and every high Hill made low and the crooked made strait and that the glory of the Lord should be revealed and all flesh see it which glory of his should so darken all the creatures glory that he addeth 6. All flesh is grass nay it shall now appear to be but withered grass 7. All which shall wither away and the Word of God only abide Then 8. The Lord calls upon his people to rise from these withering things 9. Get you up saith he to the Mountains Secondly Lift up your voice And thirdly Be not afraid as if the Lord would secretly intimate that he savv his people too apt to grubble upon the earth and take content in these fading Flowers of the Field not having their hearts raised to so glorious an expectation of his appearance and revelation of his glory therefore it is observable he doubles it Lift up your voice they being much averse to it yea saith he Fear not but why should we not fear Why Behold your God a word of application and admiration 10. Yea He double it Behold the Lord God behold he will come and how with a strong hand and his arm the strength of his hand shall rule for him Then he addeth 11. His reward is with him he shall feed his Flock like a Shepherd yea He gethereth the Lambs with his arms and carrieth them in his bosom and gently leadeth those that are with young Then 12. He goes on the 27. verse shewing the mighty power of his God above all creatures 15. How creatures are to him but as a drop of a Bucket and as the small dust of the Ballance 17. Yea As nothing and as a thing of nought When he had thus abundantly set forth his mighty Power he challengeth all that unbelief in the heart of his people to come forth and meet him 27. Why saist thou O Jacob and Israel My wayes hid from the Lord And hast thou any reason for such thoughts 28. Hast thou not known neither heard that the everlasting God the Creator of the ends of the earth see what glorious titles here are to strengthen faith he fainteth not neither is weary Poor creatures are apt to think surely they have wearied the Lord with their continual backslidings and revoltings but saith hâ— Have you not known that I am an everlasting God yea that I faint not neither am weary and he addeth That there is no searching his understanding and not only was he thus glorious in himself but 29. He gives power to the faint yea to them that have no might he encreaseth strength O blessed encouragement Poor souls may say Well be it so that notwithstanding all my rebellions the Lord was not weary nor fainteth in his arm or love to me yet I am a poor feeble creature and am ready to faint and not able to hold up the head but he gives power to the faint also yea he eacreaseth their strength even 30. The youths shall faint and be weary and the young men utterly fall i.e. They that trust in their own strength shall utterly fail 31. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength they shall mount up as Engles they shall run and no be weary walk and not fainâ— when they that can do nothing that have no strength or might but only wait upon the Lord for strength from him shall have this glorious Promise made good to them O my soul vvait thou only upon the Lord because thy expectations are only from him wait I say upon him Isaiah 41. 8. 8. He goes on with rich encouragement to poor weak souls Thou O Israel art my servant Jacob my chosen this Seed of Abraham my Friend sweet familiar titles 9. Whom I have taken from the ends of the Earth and called thee from the chief men thereof and said Thou art my servant Blessed Lord hast thou not done this for my poor soul hast thou taken me when I was running even to the ends of the earth from place to place and thing to thing bewildered in all yea hast not thou called me from the chief men thereof from the chief desirable things of this world O Lord enable my soul to follow this call of thine and make me indeed thy servant yea the Lord addeth Thou art my servant I have chosen thee he doth not say Thou chosest me but I have chosen thee yea I have not chosen and turned thee away again no I have chosen thee and not cast thee off then he goes on with more blessed encouragements 10. Fear thou not why might they say why I am with thee be not dismayed for I am thy God adding withall I am not only present with thee and that as thy God but I will strengthen thee yea I will help thee yea I will uphold thee and that with the right hand of my righteousness A blessed encouragement answering all Objections in the soul as if the Lord had said Art thou a poor feeble weak creature unable to any spiritual service Well I will strengthen thee art thou still afraid Why I will help thee and as it were work together with thee and is not this enough Why I will uphold thee too and that
those that are his subjects from whence we were farther exhorted to look out what it is that we have that is everlasting telling us that wives and children and estates and the like they are not everlasting they and you must part Oh therefore do not reckon these everlasting but if you have a Christ or grace c. that shall be everlasting if God hath begun any good work in your souls that shall be everlasting your infirmities weaknesses corruptions they are not everlasting they shall die and wither and Satan shall shortly be trod under your feet though Satan and sin hath domineered and made a stir in thy soul yet it shall not reign for ever there but grace shall raign by righteousnesse to eternal life therefore though your pains be great troubles sore temptations many yet know they are not everlasting and this may much comfort the Saints yea if Christ raigns this may comfort the Saints that their afflictions shall pass only from Christ not from the sons of men not from the world nor Satan nor the Law without him no nor the restlesse motions of your hearts that often misgive and terrifie you your judgement shall passe from Christ whose Throne is for ever and ever O my soul how abundantly hath the Lord bovved dovvn to refresh as vvell as convince thee this day the Lord grant it may abide upon thy spirit and help thee to live continually to his praise The 29. of this 9. moneth I sought the Lord to appear to my poor soul and speak some seasonable word that might be for my spiritual advantage and truly though I was disappointed of him that I expected to hear yet did the Lord by our btother Lemall hand out a most seasonable word to my soul which I desire may abide which was not to quench the spirit which the Lord did really convince me that I had often done even of late which I desire the Lord would help me against and make this a blessed word to the end unto my soul The 30. day of this 9. moneth the Lord drew out my heart that morning to beg of him that he would please to prepare my heart to meet with him and to manifest his presence to my poor soul through his Word that it might be a blessed season wherein my soul might enjoy communion with himself and that to that end he would please to remove out of my soul whatever might make me unfit to meet with him desiring much in my heart and endeavouring to expresse it before the Lord that my heart might once be gathered out from all things here below and sixed only upon himself and Jesus Christ and that there might be something added to this work this day And O my soul how gloriously did the Lord appear both for thy conviction and comfort in sending his messenger as if it were on purpose with an errand from heaven to my soul It was a stranger that preached this day and the Subject he was upon was the lovelinesse of Jesus Christ Canticles 5. 16. He is altogether lovely whence he fully cleared that there was nothing below Christ that can be lovely or desirable and vvhatsoever could be desired it is abundantly in him from vvhence the Lord did really convince me of my folly in suffering of my affections to run out so strongly on such vain objects and so little on my Lord Iesus Christ and in the close speaking by vvay of comfort he had this passage That vvhen ever any poor soul did come into the presence of the Lord in prayer or hearing or any ordinance vvith a desire to have such a corruption mortified though for ends best knovvn to the Lord he may for the present suffer it in him yet vvould he record it in heaven as if it had been mortified for said he it vvas in the desire of that poor soul and though I suffer it yet I look upon it as if the soul had mortified it really and so for all other gracious desires the Lord looketh upon them as his and as done though never attained as he did Abrahams offering up his son Isaac and therefore he leaveth it upon record to posterity that he did offer him up though yet he did not do it because it vvas in his heart and intent to do it had not the Lord prevented vvhich together with many other pretious hints the Lord was pleased to leave with me this day which I beseech him to blesse me and make me to improve them to his praise and glory The second day of this 10. moneth I sought the Lord that he would be pleased if he saw meet to add one other day to me to vouchsafe his face and presence to me and give my soul some sight of him and prepare my heart to meet with him emptying out of it what ever might unfit me to come before him after which there fell a great damp upon my spirit considering that I had only in a formality sought this of him but could not expect that he should continue alwayes so graciously to a poor soul as I had begged of him being such an unworthy unfruitful creature that did so little improve all his appearances but O my soul how gloriously did the Lord break through all thy unbelief and go beyond all thy expectations in providing a most blessed glorious and seasonable word for thy soul answering the desires of thy heart also on the behalf of his servant that was to speak in his name this day shining forth gloriously in and through him insomuch that himself did bless the Lord for his appearance that day for which blesse the Lord O my soul and oh that all that is within me could blesse his holy name Oh the sensible truths that were hinted to my soul this day which I desire of the Lord I might never forget which were hinted from Psal 45. 7. from which our Pastor sweetly opened the love of Christ to righteousnesse which love he shewed us was that that made him lovely to God and to his Saints Now that he doth love as he shewed us appears in that this love to it was his very nature and therefore he is called the righteous and the Lord our righteousness yea it appears in that he hath through all kind of difficulties fulfilled all righteousnesse therefore with desire I have desired saith he to eat this passeover that so he might be ready to suffer and so to satisfie divine justice which is one part of his fulfilling righteousnesse yea he shewed that he loves righteousnesse in that salvation that he hath vvrought for us meriting by a full satisfaction to justice that so justice might glory in our salvation as vvell as mercy for hovvever wereceive all by grace yet Christ wrought it out by justice and payd a full price for it which shewed his love to righteousness and justice so that what ever God hath promised believers in his word it is a merited promise that Christ hath bought and paid
that his soul abhorred and lying under the apprehension of my self as one cast off by God whom he never regards having poured out my soul before him and begged a soft heart and a renewed and changed nature urging him often with that similitude of a child coming to his father to begg bread Mat. 7. 9 10 11. or rather in my apprehension finding my heart grow more hard and my affections more cold and luke-warm I lay under another temptation from Sathan that sure I was but an hypocrite in all that I did and therefore should but heap up wrath against my self as in Job 36. 13. and this was set home upon my spirit upon several grounds as 1. Because as he told me I did not so much aim at the glory of God as at that happy estate which is to be enjoyed in heaven 2. Because I could not find my love working so strongly towards God as towards my self desiring to be freed from the torments of hell which I conceived to be intolerable as also 3. Finding sometimes a kind of secret desire that some body might hear or know of my performances of duties c. Though I never durst act in any measure so as that it might be discerned but alwayes strove to my utmost ability to conceal what ever possibly I might yet finding sometimes some such desires of vain glory in my spirit that though I did do it thus privately yet if it could have been known and not by my means I thought I could be content and this also lay as an heavy weight upon my spirit to think that there should such wicked vain and sinful thoughts and desires be suggested to me or for anytime though never so smal lodge within me Jer. 4. 14. Which when I began to consider sadly of did but still renew and increase my troubles and feares being a discovery of the hypocrisy that was in my heart And for the most part of this my trouble I lay under such a sense of the wrath of God that I thought that all I had and enjoyed was cursed to me often admiring that every bit of bread I eat did not choak me or every creature did not put an end to my life often fearing that the company I was in should fare the worse for me in so much that if I went by water or the like I still conceived I might be an occasion of drowning all those that were with me Oh! how desirous was my soul at this time of the help and counsel of my Godly wise friends and Christians but through many and sundry temptations still deprived my self of it and of the benefit I might have gained by it through my wicked silence in all companies and loathness to impart my condition to any Sometimes my wicked corrupt heart would basely suggest to me that I was not able to discourse or speak of any spiritual thing and therefore I should but only thereby discover my own ignorance and no wayes advantage my self c. Which when I was inabled still to consider better of recollecting my thoughts and calling them into question as it were then cometh the Divell and tells me that this did but note my hypocrisy and farther when I have been troubled with it to think that I should give way to such wicked thoughts as these then comes in Sathan again on the other side and tells me that if I should put my self forward in any discourse I should but thereby cause others to have a better opinion of me than indeed I deserved and so deceive others and delude my own soul and this latter temptation was that which indeed did oftenest prevail with me being ever most of all prone to fear the delusions of my own heart and so esteeming my condition to be better than it is This going on in this way of wicked silence made many of my Christian friends I do really beleeve not know what to think of me but were as it were estranged from me which I soon perceiving it was a most heavy affliction to me such as the searcher of hearts knows lay very sadly upon my spirit which yet I could not in any measure make known to them but between God and my own soul condoled this my miserable condition then being to remove out of London which was an exceeding trouble to me to consider how we should by it be deprived of those means which we there might enjoy although indeed neither my Father Mother or my self could enjoy our healths there And removing into the Country about the year 1647. I found the ministery under which I then was exceeding dead and spiritless then when I came home me thought I knew as much and no more to my edification in that condition I was in than I did when I went the subject which was then and for a long time together treated on was that Scripture Gen. 2. 7. The Lord breathed into man the breath of life and man became a living soul The main scope of the minister being to shew what the natural soul was that God had put into man handling it as I conceiv'd more like a Philosopher than a Gospel-preacher which notional things were not those which could satisfie my soul which wanted now some support from heaven in this sad drooping condition I was in but meeting with nothing suitable to my present estate and being here cast in a place where I was deprived of all other means I grew still into a more sad condition every day Then did I lye under a very sad and strange temptation to neglect the ordinance of preaching which was grounded upon the pretence that I might improve my time at home to my more spiritual advantage which temptation I often yeilded to and when I had any opportunity or seeming excuse by reason of any smal bodily distemper either the head-ach or the like I still took those occasions to stay at home and so yeilded to the temptation and thus I did often But when I came still at night to a review of what I had done and how I had spent my time in each of these dayes as also what I had gained I found it to be so little through one temptation or other that I now began to conceive and fear that it was only a temptation of the Divell to bring me out of love with the ordinances of God whereupon the Lord also inabled me to begin to take a view of my own heart indeavouring to perswade my self that the fault was only in me and that surely I was some way or other prâ—judiced against the man or his preaching not looking as I ought to the power of God which was able to bless that means to me that he had now cast me under contrary to my desires and that it was therefore just with God to let it be to me according to my unbeleef Whereupon I began again to examine my own heart whether or no I had any kind of prejudice against the man which
I could never find nor charge my self withal having always heard very good words of him from Godly people only I could not find that the Lord was pleased to speak any word suitable to my condition by him but rather to fill me with notions of natural things and in a natural way whereupon I turned my examination into prayer beseeching the Lord that if there were any prejudice in my heart that lay hidden that I could not discern that he would be pleased to root it out and not let it hinder me from the blessing of his own ordinance begging of him also that he would please to put some word into his mouth suitable to the estate of my soul and give me an ear to hear and understand it and so with some hope yet still mixed with fear I continued to hear him still and thus I did often times still pressing it upon my self that it was my darkness dulness and ignorance that was the hindrance but finding after all this nothing suitable to my soul to answer the longing desires or satisfie the many doubtings of it I at the last tould my father how unprofitable his ministery was unto me who also concluding often saying the same resolved to seek out where the Lord should direct us and be pleased to make it more profitable to us So we attended on the ministery elsewhere about the beginning of the year 1649. Where I received some satisfaction but still upon examination finding little profiting in my spirit though I could not but acknowledg that the Lord was pleased sometimes to speak home to my condition being not able to close in a way of faith with what was delivered I remained in a very sad condition yet continued waiting upon the Lord in that ministery above a year and then returned into the Country being much solicited thereunto where I found the former Minister upon a more practical subject I continuing stil in trouble of spirit as concluding now the fault to be in my self because when I enjoyed such means as I could no wayes except against yet I found very little profit or benefit by it when I came seriously to examine my self all which added much to my inward trouble but in all this space of time for four or five years last past was I exceedingly tossed to and fro and continually pestred with divers and sundry temptations both from the Divel and my own wicked heart to instance in some I was often tempted to very hiddeous and blasphemous thoughts as to think that there was no God and which temptations were allwayes suited to that matter which at the present my thoughts were working upon wherein indeed it appeared to be a meer plot of Sathan that subtile enemie of my poor soul as for instance Sometimes when in the bitterness of my trouble and fears I had made any appeal to God concerning the desires of my soul or had put up any short ejaculation to him or had been meditating of any of his attributes or the like then comes in such a temptation as this Why who dost thou pray unto dost thou think there is any such thing as a God that thou appealest to did'st thou ever find any answer from him with much more in this sort and when any Scripture hath been brought to my thoughts that might afford me any comfort or that I had been examining my heart from any Scripture or the like then an hundred to one but I should have one temptation or other darted into my soul to question the truth of it after this manner how can it be the word of God more than any other writings and how shall I know them to be so and which of them are so and which not it being so many hundred years a go written and having gone through so many hands and all writers in ancient times disagreeing about it c. And when my thoughts have been set or fixed to meditate of that everlasting condition after this sinfull life is ended or endeavouring to attain some assurance of an happy estate in the life to come then comes in a temptation that it is impossible that ever there shall be any resurrection of the dead with many carnal arguments to back it But these temptations being so hideous detestable even by the light of nature some of them I durst not parly long with them but endeavoured still to detest and abhorre them and to raise the best arguments against them which I could and in my daily course of reading the word to gather out all those Scriptures that I could observe to make against any of those temptations and so to answer them but sometimes the more I reasoned against them and endeavoured to argue it out in my own thoughts the more they would prevail which when after some time I was inabled to perceive I durst no longer parly with them but my only refuge was to throw my self before the Lord and there to tell him what a sad condition I was in and how Sathan did continually thus torment me and throw such things continually into my soul which he knew who knows all hearts was the burden of my soul and that which I would gladly be rid off desiring him that I might be acquainted why it was thus with me that he did loose Sathan upon me as also that he would please to give me more power to resist these his fiery darts divers other temptations was I also troubled withal as I was then tempted to beleeve that it must needs be impossible for any one in this life to be assured of their salvation But when I began to consider how many of Gods people who I could not but beleeve by their walkings did enjoy much of this assurance and communion with God then did this temptation in some measure vanish and another arise in the roome of it that sure it was impossible that ever I should attain to any such assurance and that therefore I was none of his children Which when I had sought the Lord about and also indeavored to attain unto by searching the Scriptures and comparing my heart with them c. Then would this temptation also arise upon the neck of the other That I ought not to seek or labour too much to attain assurance for surely the Lord did not see it good for me for should the Lord give it me I should undoubtedly be so lifted up and so filled with pride of spirit that I should not be able to contain my self but should much dishonour the Lord by it These with many such like temptations was I tossed up down withal untill my spirit was even overwhelmed within me having no other refuge but only to tell the Lord and bemone my condition to him who as yet seemed only to turne the deaf ear to me and to cover all my prayers with a cloud Yet in all this time of my trouble and temptation was the Lord pleased in a secret manner to support my
spirit and keep it from utter despair and giving up so as to be wholly of Sathans mind for though my fears and troubles were great and indeed unutterable yet did the Lord so secretly support me that I do not know that ever he suffered me peremptorily to conclude that I should certainly perish as Sathan continually suggested to me though I still feared it which fears were so great that they came well nigh unto despair which notwithstanding the Lord inabled me though in a poor weak and low measure yet to follow him still often telling him that if I did perish my desire was to perish coming towards him following of him and begging mercy from him Then in the year 1650. June the 28 was the Lord pleased to lay a very sad and heavy affliction upon me in taking from me my dear and precious Father who was the chief comfort of my natural life and this the Lord was pleased to do it in so sad and so suddain a manner which made it take the deeper impression upon my spirit and indeed adde much to my inward as well as my outward trouble being also accompanied with many sad temptations and suggestions to instance in one to two It was strongly suggested to me that the Lord had done this meerly in just judgement to manifest his displeasure against me and shew me that he was so farre from hearing my prayers wherein I did often much beg his life of the Lord that now he would not only take him from me but even in this sad severe manner not once permitting him to speake to me or me with him which was also further aggravated with these thoughts that it was the more just with the Lord thus to deal with me because I had not given him due praise for such a mercy as I had in so long enjoying him nor yet had made that use of his fatherly counsel and advice in this time of my doubts and feares as I might have done Thus being tossed to and fro and as it were in a wilderness in my own thoughts to think what the Lord meant by this sad dispensation or would have me take notice of at the last desiring to satisfie my self that it was an affliction of which all are partakers and that to be without afflictions is not a condition of Sonship and also considering that it was no other for the matter than what I had for many years both expected and feared and indeed a wonder all things being rightly weighed that I should enjoy him so long as through mercy I did Thus after some time of stubborn rebellion against God in not submitting quietly to his will the Lord was pleased to enable me at the last to begin to bethink my self what that evill might be in me which the Lord had now struck at and would me have sensible of by this his dealing with me And upon examination finding nothing wherein I could more charge my self than in immoderate affection to him and so putting him in stead of God I did at last though with much repulse in my wicked spirit acknowledg it before the Lord and begg of him that he would shew me more and more what his mind and meaning was in this so heavy a stroke and that as he had now by his own immediate hand brought me within the letter of the promise being now fatherless that he would also make it good to me in revealing himself to be a father to me in Jesus Christ And thus I continued sometime tossed to and fro with divers and sundry temptations having none to speak a word of comfort to me in this my distress I making none acquainted with this my condition but in this thing wholly yeilded to Sathan to keep all to my self having no ease nor vent for my spirit but only when I was in any measure enabled to pour out my soul before the Lord in which my spirit was also oftentimes much bound up though sometimes again inlarged Then about 2 or 3 moneths after being towards the end of September 1650. was the Lord pleased to cast my Mother as also my self both at one time upon our bed of sickness visiting us with very strong feavers which being towards Winter brought us very low which meeting with the inward trouble of my spirit lay very sadly upon me At which time in the midst of all my weakness I was brought to this resolution in my own thoughts being tossed up and down in my spirit as well as in my body so that now I did no longer desire any continuance of this natural life of mine nor yet promise the Lord any amendment of life as I had formerly done in all my other sicknesses though I could never make good any of these promises vowes or covenants by me so made hereupon I considered though with much trouble of spirit that I had found by sad and often experience that if I should live never so long I should live never the better nor gain any more assurance of my salvation and well-being therefore the desire of life was now wholly taken from me the Lord enabling me at the last to take up such thoughts as these that from the bottom of my heart I did and had for a long time desired to fear and serve the Lord and that those many failings which accompanied all my obedience were the burthen of my life and that if the Lord would have been pleased to have given me more freedome of spirit and set my soul more at liberty to have walked after his will it would have been as a heaven upon earth to me but contrarily I saw I was still pressed under with a body of death by reason of which I did nothing but offend night and day and that the longer I lived I did but aggravate my sin and condemnation I did therefore desire power to cast my self and the whole weight of my salvation upon Jesus Christ and although I could not confidently beleeve that the Lord would be good to me yet I saw that there was no salvation any where else and therefore did desire to relye wholly upon him acknowledging that I deserved nothing but hell and that if ever he bestowed any thing else upon me it was infinite unspeakable mercy Thus I continued for many dayes often longing for the time of my dissolution wherein I should sin and dishonour God no more vvhich both my self and others about me thought not to be farre off yet vvas the Lord pleased after some fevv vveaks in some measure to raise up my vveak body vvhich vvas nigh unto the dust and after some time to go on by degrees perfecting of my health all vvhich time being accompanied vvith many a sad thought my trouble still increasing as fast as my bodily health at the last the Lord vvas pleased to turn my thoughts upon those expressions of David in Psal 42. 5 11. Wherein he calls his soul to accompt saying Why art thou cast down O my soul and
why art thou disquieted within me hope thou in God The Lord setting this home with much power upon my spirit at this time having been all the vvinter deprived of the enjoying of any publick means the Lord I say setting this Scripture so home upon my spirit I began at last to reason thus vvith my self and to demand of my soul the reason of this my trouble the Lord being pleased also to put me upon the veiw of some Sermons of Mr. Marshalls and others vvhich I had formerly heard some expressions in them being brought to my mind vvherein I found several answers to many things vvhich I alleaged as the ground of my trouble I vvas also by the Lord I hope put upon a review of that little book called the Marrow of modern Divinity vvhich I had formerly read vvith much trembling vvith a secret perswasion in my heart that those vvere real truths though formerly I neither could nor durst fully close vvith them vvhich two means did through the blessing of God at the present somewhat settle and quiet my turmoiled spirit Then in the beginning of the year 1651. going into the Country and staying about a moneth vvithin 4 or 5 miles vvhere Mr. Stevens exerciseth having heard of him I had a great desire to hear him which also I did 3 or 4 times with much content he being one of those times upon Gal. 3. 8. The Scripture foreseeing that God would justifie the heathen through faith c. Where he shewed us fully that God did not justifie the righteous but even heathens ungodly men which word added somewhat to my comfort only I could not say I had faith and this stumbled me again Then coming to Colechester and resting only one Lords day there I heard Mr. Archer who by the providence of God was then upon that Scripture in Joh. 16. 8. Where the Lord promiseth to send the spirit that it should convince the world of sinne and of righteousness where he fully shewed that it was the office of the spirit to convince humble sinners of an all-sufficient righteousness in Jesus Christ thereupon stil labouring to take men off from all dependence upon their own righteousness or any thing in them or done by them which I now found I had been very guilty of telling us also that all those duties graces or qualifications that we so rested upon were not the righteousness of Christ c. therefore too scant and narrow to cover any soul at which time I must needs say I do really beleeve that the Lord was pleased to strike the first and great blow to dependence on my own actings although I had yet much confusion and trouble in my spirit concerning this thing being yet very dark in the understanding of it But in this short time of my being in the Country the Lord having in some measure thus begun as it were to speak a word of comfort to my poor soul I was strangly in my own thoughts I hope by the spirit of the Lord put upon the desires of communion with the people of God according to the Gospel and so upon the search of the Scripture according to my poor measure to that end accompanied with the experience I formerly had of that way called the Presbytery which I was now very much unsatisfied in which dissatisfaction was at the present only grounded upon the practice of them who walk in that way finding them generally so full of wrath bitterness clamors and evill speaking even of Brethren which I conceived not to be a Gospel-frame of spirit compared with those who practise the contrary which was much set upon my spirit to be more sweet humble and Christian like as also a way for more growth and establishment being more full of love which the Gospel is so full of and watching over one another c. Which I now saw I stood in great need of and therefore much desired finding my spirit then much drawn out to seek the Lords direction in it beseeching him more and more to clear up to me in what way of worship I might most honour him and meet with and enjoy most of him as also when and where I might so joyn begging of him also with much and earnest desire to fit me for it Then coming home again my trouble renewed to think how my lot was cast in such a place where I had little society that I could reap any benefit from and under his ministery which I continually found very unprofitable to me at last making this known to a friend how dissatisfied I was to hear him she advised me to go hear Mr. Knight which accordingly I did about Midsummer 1651. who through the assistance of God did fully lay open the free and abundant grace of God to poor creatures who see their lost and undone condition out of Christ through whose ministery the Lord was pleased to go on to convince me yet farther and more fully of my great unbeleef and deafness to Jesus Christ which had wrought so many sad troubles upon my spirit being convinced of which I would gladly have closed with Jesus Christ and relyed upon him having nothing to say against it but only my own wretchedness which being so often and fully by him answered I had at last nothing to say but only that I was so over-power'd with unbeleefe that though I would have closed with Jesus Christ gladly and with all my soul yet I neither durst nor could do it as I then thought Then having heard of the meeting at Mr. Knights house we went thither towards the end of Aug. 1651. being about a week before the fight at Worcester at which time they applyed themselves much to speak to the present condition of the Nation and the godly in it but after some time frequenting this meeting and finding much refreshment and satisfaction from it about a moneth or two at the most after the Lord was pleased to draw out my spirit exceedingly to spread my condition before the Lord and also crave the prayers of his people in that meeting in the behalf of my troubled soul and accordingly though with much repulse in my self I wrote a paper wherein I did acknowledg before the Lord that having been convinced of my wretched condition I did thereupon labour and strive to walk more close with the Lord c. Which being no wayes able to accomplish I durst not believe or go to God as a father but being in some measure convinced that I was all this while out of the way not being yet thoroughly convinced of the righteousnesse of Christ but going about too much to establish my own righteousness I did then desire their prayers that the Lord would be pleased to reveal more of his mind and will in Jesus Christ to my soul and enable me to deny my self and rely wholly upon him and having a fit opportunity of privacy coming there before any other company I laid it down upon the table and it
pleased the Lord so to order it Mr. Knight being absent Mr. Barker came in that day who was altogether unknown to me who taking a view of this paper among others did mention it before the Lord both in the entrance as also in the close of that dayes service the Lord putting into his heart and mouth a very seasonable word to my poor soul which was then spoken from 2 Pet. 2. 3 4 5. If so be that you have tasted that the Lord is gracious to whom coming as living stone dissallowed indeed of men but chosen of God and precious c. From which Scripture and what the Lord was pleased by him at that time to communicate from it did my soul receive very much refreshment and satisfaction Then did the Lord also direct the spirits of those that carried on that meeting to treat much about temptations from which there was many seasonable useful truths set home upon my heart finding by this discourse that Scripture in 1 Cor. 10. 13. plainly made good to my poor soul that no temptation had taken me but such as I now saw was common to others that I durst not think but to be the people of God now hearing them complain of the same things which together with the refreshments and supporting considerations under each of these which were held out to us was my poor drooping spirit mightily supported After this it pleased the Lord also to direct them in this meeting to treat about that great grace of faith and so afterwards to answer many doubts and fears that lay upon many souls from all vvhich being too large here to relate my soul received very much refreshing being in the close of that service put again upon it by the spirit of the Lord through these his servants to put the question to my soul at every turn doubt vvhence comest thou or vvherefore dost thou doubt and truely the Lord having spoken so much to my soul by all these means and instruments formerly mentioned that the strength of my doubts and feares began so to scatter that I could give very little account of the cause or ground of them being also now convinced in some measure that I did by these doubts feares jealousies and hard thoughts of God much provoke and dishonour him so that though formerly I thought it as it vvere a virtue in me to be doubting and questioning my estate I came now in some measure through grace to see that it vvas a heynous sin and therefore to endeavour strive and pray and do all I could against them Yet did often I lye under many sad apprehensions arising hence being convinc'd by the word in reading in one of Mr. Burrows books that there is no vvorship acceptable to God but that vvhich is tendered up to him as a father and the father of our Lord Jesus Christ now I not finding my self able at that time to look upon God or look up to him under this relation of a father only looking upon him as a gracious merciful and yet withall a just severe God this vvas a great trouble to my spirit then did the Lord by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight at the Chappel at Hammersmith put me upon the serious thoughts of that Scripture in Jer. 3. 1 4 12 13 14 15 19. vers Which at that times took much upon my heart in this particular having no power to gainsay the duty required in it the Lord being pleased by the ministery of his vvord dispensed by Mr. Knight and sometimes some others to come in further carrying on this vvork that he had thus begun in my soul enabling me daily more and more to grovv up towards a more full assurance and confident rouling upon and giving up my vvhole soul to Jesus Christ giving me bodily to see more and more my own emptiness nothingness the conrinual need I stood in of him vvithout vvhom I now saw that I vvas nothing had nothing and could have nothing but only sin as also that fullness that is in him together vvith a readiness to give forth and communicate out of it to poor creatures vvho see the need they have of it and come to him for it vvhich I now desired above all things strength to do and that I might go vvholy out of my self and come to him for life then hearing that Mr. Knight and some fevv christians more vvere about gathering into a communion together I vvas much rejoyced in spirit at it supposing that happily the Lord might please to make it a mercy to me if I could but see him clearing up my way and opening a door for me to joyn with them which work seeming for a time to go on in their desires and intentions yet there was much fear arose in my spirit concerning it how I should be enabled to make out my condition so as that I might be approved of being full of ebbings and flowings sometimes hoping a little and sometimes again full of fears Thus being at a great stand in my self not knowing what to do but often seeking the Lord concerning it who was pleased at last to enable me to take up this resolution that through his grace assisting of me I would put it upon the trial relying upon him to enable me to make out what himself had wrought in my soul though in much weakness yet I hoped in truth and this I was the more willing unto that Scripture or rule of the Apostle being then much set upon the heart in the 1 Pet. 3. 15. Be ready alwayes to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear and though I was very sensible of my own disability hereunto yet rather than to deprive my self of such a benefit I was enabled in some measure to submit yet not without many fears and that strong ones too that I should not be accepted of the Lord now enabling me to take up these thoughts that I would through his assistance do my duty and offer my self and if the Lord should so order the spirits of his people to deny me I did desire to see his mind and to expect strength from him to submit to his will manitested through it acknowledging it no more nor so much as I had deserved considering with all that my desire was chiefly and in the first place to approve my self to the Lord and if he saw it good to his people also but if otherwise my desire was though I knew not how I should be enabled to do it yet however to wait upon the Lord and follow him still untill he should see good to make out a way for me then was there a day kept to seek the Lord on the behalf of Mrs. Arnal which by providence I heard of and had a desire to be at which accordingly I did at which time my spirit was much stirred up to crave the prayers of the people of God that
the Lord would be pleased to pardon all the unbeleeving workings of my corrupt heart and those hard thoughts I had had of God and that he would please to give in such clear visions of himself as might mightily increase my faith which desires of mine were spread before the Lord that day But having received at this time some little refreshings from those instructions the Lord was pleased then to communicate by Mr. Knight from Heb. 12. 5-13 From which Scripture I was also convinced that in most of the chastisements the Lord had seen meet to lay me under I had either despised his chastisements or else fainted under them the Lord I say having this day broke in thus upon my heart by his spirit through his word the Divell soon begins again with me taking this opportunity I having set my self and endeavoured to lay my heart to the word and see what comfortable grounds I could take up that the Lord had indeed afflicted me in mercy c. The Divell now begins to indeavour to puffe up my spirit with a conceipt that I was able to speak more in this kind than many others who were at that time also by him presented but through mercy this did not passe many days before the Lord sadly shewed me my folly and weakness herein for a little while after there was an other day kept to which meeting I went and truely after I came there the Lord set home these wicked thoughts together with severall other things which wrought so upon my spirit that my heart was even overwhelmed within me in so much that I could not keep it to my self but was constrained to discover it by my carriage which Mr. Knight taking notice of spake to me after the exercise at which time I was so farre from that ability that Sathan possessed me with thoughts of that I was not able in any measure to speak my heart to him but was as it were one whom the Lord had given up to a dumb spirit and thought those three words which was all that I could then speak were through a meer mistake sadly mis-construed by him yet had I not power to speak one word to clear my meaning supposing it might possibly be that the Lord had something to speak to me even through that mistake there was also this day a word set home very much on my heart from something Mr. Milborn noted to us which also added much to my sadness and it was this that I had prayed and prayed again and again but when I had done I never looked after the returns of them having never yet any experience made out to me that I durst acknowledge this or that to be a return of my prayer nay though the Lord had given in a mercy that I had begged of him I was still for many years tempted to beleeve that it had been so though I had not prayed and so it was not given in as an answer to prayer which did much eat out the sweetness of those mercies which I did enjoy in so much that me thinks I do now even stand and admire what it was that did at that time support my spirit carry me on in a continued seeking of God being not able then to record an answer of prayer at all that I can bring to mind However the Lord had been pleased before this time to give me many gracious answers to my poor desires yet were mine eyes withheld from seeing them to be so and taking the comfort thereof untill a long after yea sometimes some years after some of them were given in which yet afterwards the Lord was pleased to make out unto me even before the writing hereof But after all this the Lord by the acts of his providence seemed much to crosse these hopes and desires of his people in joyning in fellowship together which when I heard of it was a great trouble to me who greatly desired the accomplishment of it sometimes thinking that it might be even for my sake alone that the Lord had done it Other times being tempted to think that if it had been the Lords acting to work up my spirit to that pitch that I thought I found it wrought up unto then he would also have gone on to have perfected my desires but being again inabled on the other side to reason thus with my self that it is my duty to wait patiently upon the Lord and submit to him as well for the time as for the matter I indeavoured the Lord assisting me to quiet my spirit with such thoughts as these that the Lord might delay it in much mercy that so I might be the more fit for it when he shall please to accomplish it apprehending that surely he saw me not yet fit for such a mercy then did I again turn to the Lord and thus desire to submit to him begging of him to fit me for such a mercy and if he saw it good to afford me the mercy here if not that he would direct me where to joyn that might be more for his glory and my soules good Thus was the Lord pleased to go on well nigh a quarter of a year still coming in with more light and discoveries of his love to my soul and clearing up to me more and more that work which he had begun through his rich and free grace in my Lord Jesus in whom I did now desire only and alone to be found and not in any of my own righteousnesses who had now inabled me to see to be very lothsome and abominable though formerly I had too much doted upon them Then in the third moneth in the year 1652. Mr. Knight being gone into the North the Lord was pleased by a meer providence as I desire to look upon it not knowing as yet but that I may also say as a return of many of my former poor desires to send Mr. Rogers to the meeting at Mr. Knights house having preached one Lords day before at the Chappel at Hammersmith which occasioned very strong and earnest desires in me to hear him again which now I did the Lord directing him this time to speak unto us concerning Church discipline which I was yet very dark in which the Lord inabled him to give me very much and great satisfaction which otherwise I have cause to fear I might more inconsiderately have rushed upon Thus was the Lord pleased I hope in answer to my poor desires yet farther to clear up this way of his to me proving it clearly to be the way of the Gospel and that which every one ought to be fully satisfied in before they enter upon This being now more cleared unto me my desires and longings after the enjoyment of God in this Sion grew more strong and earnest I continually mentioning it before the Lord. After this really I cannot tell but that I should rob the Lord of his glory in this particular if I should not also acknowledg him further by my poor
experience to be a God hearing prayer for I found him now also as I hope I may to his glory speak coming in very much as it were fitting me for this mercy by giving in out of his own free grace to his poor unworthy creature yet a more full and clear sight of his work upon my soul and so of my interest in him by means whereof I might now the more comfortably offer up my self into the communion of his people without a sight of which I should hardly I think have presumed to have done which work of his the Lord was pleased to help on by several of his Servants in Mr. Knights absence as Mr. Sidrach Simpson and Mr. Rogers whom he was pleased to make instrumental for my souls advantage and comfort at this time which the Lord thus carried on untill it was towards the end of the seventh moneth commonly called September in this year 1652. at which time Mr. Knight being returned home and removing to Fulham where the Lord opened a door for his people to joyn in communion together according to the Gospel the Lord now offering me this opportunity which I had so much longed for and his servant Mr. Knight to whom I had formerly by an other friend intimated my desires he I say acquainted me with it I durst not rashly deny to joyn with them but what fears and tremblings there were upon my spirit at this time is known only to the Lord for indeed I am not able to express it in which trouble my refuge as formerly was only to go to the Lord beseeching and earnestly importuning him now to appear and give in direction to his poor creature who was now in such a straight as that she knew not what to do But so farre as I know my own heart leaning alone upon the Lord and waiting for his direction I went to the place appointed to meet in not knowing what I should do in it taking little or no rest all the night before but coming there next morning and being still much oppressed in spirit in the turning of an eye as it were I can not express how or which way my spirit was on a suddain wrought over to give my consent and so to joyn with them They being as they conceived well satisfied in the long knowledg they had had of each other and their frequent converses together some whereof were in order to this very work which having been much desired by those few persons that then joyned and they so long interrupted and having put up many petitions to the throne of grace concerning it Mr. Barker being then present and carrying the intended work by prayer and counsel we joyned together in the fellowship of the Gospel But this work was not performed in so solemn a manner as I for my part could have desired both in setting more time a part to seek the Lord together in it and to have indeavoured to have given more full satisfaction to each other of the work of God in each others hearts which lay as a burthen upon my spirit which I often bewailed before the Lord and also moved it to some of our friends that we might yet meet and set a part a day to this end which was not thought meet at that time upon which I besought the Lord it might be no hindrance to his appearance amongst us for my spirit was opprest with fears of Gods not appearing in the midst of us which fears were at the present heightned from the mighty rage of Sathan in the spirits of many yea of some good men at this our first entrance into communion laying many harsh censures upon us which still put me upon a more narrow search into my own heart Thus seeing the rage of some against us to be very great and trembling in my self to think lest we by our miscarriage might give them some ground to speak evill of us it wrought a great sadness upon my spirit fearing lest we might be an occasion of darkning his glory to the World which caused me often to pour out my soul to the Lord beseeching him that if he had any delight in us he would be pleased to afford us his presence But in the very depth of these fears did the Lord by a meer providence as I was opening Mr. Burroughs's book cast my eye unexpectedly upon the 13 p. of the right manner of drawing nigh to God in worship where I found this note that the beginnings of things of high concernment do meet sometimes with great difficulties and interruptions which he gives some instances of and so adviseth us not to be offended though we should have some sad accidents to fall out at the beginning of great things for saith he notwithstanding this God may yet prosper it afterwards the serious consideration whereof did at the present a little refresh my spirit and support it with a desire to wait to see what the Lord would please to bring out of it Thus having for about 3 moneths space enjoyed the ordinances and the society of his servants and thereupon beginning to examine my own heart what fruit or benefit I had found by them it lay somewhat sadly upon my spirit for being able to discern very little then was the Lord pleased by a letter from Mr. Rogers to hand out something which for the present did a little support and cheer my spirit therein putting me upon the consideration of this truth that a Christian growth is not at all times sensible neither doth the Lord see it meet they should alwayes grow in one kind but that they grow in all parts as well in humility and self abasement and in the sight of our own weakness barrenness and unprofitableness c. which is as true a growth as that of faith though not alwayes so visible Yet some trouble still lying upon my spirit wanting a full and clear sight of my interest in Christ which as yet I had only some good hopes of but no such settled assurance but that I was often tottering backward and forward the Lord having formally and continually through the ministery of his word dispensed often by Mr. Knight and very powerfully to that end and sometimes also by Mr. Simpson by both which the Lord was pleased strongly to convince me of the dishonour that I had brought him by my unbeleef which was now the great burthen of my soul but finding much weakness of faith in me and an inability to roul so fully upon God and give glory to him by beleeving and taking him upon his word c. often fearing that sinne and Sathan would yet prevail over me But the Lord was pleased about the 10 moneth 1652. to draw out my heart exceedingly to beg of him a large measure of faith even that I might be enabled to honour him as much by beleeving as ever I had dishonoured him through unbeleef but this same month I had this wicked thought or temptation thrown with mighty force
66. 16. 1 Tim. 1. 13 14 15 16. Act. 22. there was also suddenly after this presented to me as one thing that the Lord might aim at in this touch of his even to mind me that I had not that degree of compassion or fellow feeling as I ought of that affliction which in some respect in the same kind though in a greater degree lay upon our Sister Arnat by reason of a great feaver and doubtless there might be something in this though I should also wrong my self should I not acknowledge much and continued working in my heart for and towards her which oft occasioned me to spread her condition before the Lord according to my poor measure But upon the 25 of this 11 moneth in the night I had little or no rest by reason of the great distemper which lay upon me and really I do not well know wether the distemper of my body or my mind were the greater but both meeting it lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh which thought it self ready to give up under it but my thoughts being continually working I found in my spirit a great natural reluctancy against death which seemed at times as it were to approach often thinking that it was not possible in natural reason that I could continue untill morning yet said I nothing for fear of affrighting my Mother yet had I also between times a great desire together with a kind of perswasion that for all this I should be enabled to hear Mr. Knight next morning whose turn it was to preach at the Chappel at Fulham thus I say finding in my spirit some kind of reluctancy at death of which considering a little it being that corruption which I thought had now been in some good measure crucified but finding it still to work up was no smal trouble to me which together with many other fears that lay upon my spirit as that I should not be inabled to sanctifie the name of God or honour him under this affliction which was indeed the ground of my trouble at the approach of death and if I know my heart in any measure that only which I resolved in my self to declare to some friend I should meet at Fulham next day if the Lord should please to enable me to go and so beg their remembrance at the throne of grace but being enabled to consider better of it I was given to see that it was nothing but a meer temptation to distrust the power and love of God to think as if he should now bring me into that condition that he would not carry me thorough whereupon I was enabled to gather up my spirits a little and in some better measure to submit to the hand and will of my Father which I was now assured should certainly end in his glory and my good and to this end I was now also enabled again to call over that blessed promise in Rom. 8. 28. That all things shall work yea work together for good to them that love God c. which promise I had often found by experience had been made good to my soul and was therefore much troubled that any distrustful thoughts should arise in me concerning it divers other promises also before mentioned were now brought to my mind and wrought afresh upon my heart which did exceedingly refresh my spirit so that the first refreshment which I found was in my spirit and after that was a little quieted I had a little short slumber and did the Lord so farre mittigate my bodily distemper as that it did not hinder me from that blessed opportunity next day though accompanied with much bodily weakness But upon the 2 day of the 12 moneth 1652. I found my distemper of body much abated in so much as I thought it was now quite gone but that very night was the Lord pleased to return yea to heighten it constraining me to keep house certain days whereby I perceived that this work upon my soul was not yet accomplished nor I fully acquainted with his mind and will in it which was some trouble to me whereupon I again besought the Lord to acquaint me with his mind and will in it and to sanctifie it unto me giving me an heart to submit to whatsoever he had yet further to lay upon me in which I also sought the prayers of his people upon the 6 of this moneth But upon the seventh day of this moneth Providence offering some occasion whereby I was put upon the thoughts of parting with my Aunt Dogget who was upon remove into the Country with many thoughts there abouts which were now brought to my mind which occasioned such a heavyness to possess my spirit upon other accounts also which came in to adde to the other in so much that I was even as it were overwhelmed with it untill I was enabled to vent it before the Lord at vvhich time he vvas pleased to discover to me that this vvas meerly to return as it vvere from the Lord to the creature for comfort and support as if he vvere not able abundantly to make up in himself the vvant of such a comfort and relation if he savv meet to deprive me of it the thoughts of vvhich did much grieve me then did the Lord also shevv me hovv I had continually provoked him in this kinde by leaning upon such poor reeds and diging to my self such poor pits such broken Cisterns as could indeed hold no vvater and in the mean time too much neglect him the fountain of living vvaters Jer. 2. 13. Yea while I was thus pouring out my soul before him and lamenting my miserable and wretched folly he was pleased also to cast my thoughts upon that part of Scripture I find recorded in 1 King 11. 9. How the Lord was angry with Solomon because his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel which had appeared to him twice even so I saw the Lord had just cause to be angry with me that I should thus again return to the creature and as it were make a God of it yea after such eminent appearances of his to my soul The same day did the Lord bring to my mind that severe threatning against Moab who had been at ease from his youth and was setled on his lees who had not been emptied from vessel to vessel neither had gone into captivity and therefore his taste remained in him and his sent was not changed Jer. 48. 11 now finding this given by the Spirit of God as the reason why his sent remained even because he had not been emptied c. I could not but stand and wonder what reason could be given of the corruptions in my heart whom the Lord had not left at ease but had often emptied from vessel to vessel as it were trying alwayes and means with me and yet that I should still savour so much of the earth and of the old man and should still so incline to depend upon an arm of flesh 2 Chron. 32.
in the world in his providential kingdome that is both an offenlive and a defensive warre First an offensive warre against sin guilt and Sathan ye against all spiritual wickednesses in the heart Col. 2. 15. yea in Rom. 8. 3. he is said to condemn sinne in the flesh that is he hath put it out of his office he hath taken away the weapons of sinne sinne was our ruler before Christ came but when he comes he puts it out of office takes away not only the power but the guilt yea makes a great deal of difference between a neighbour and a master as long as you are here below you wil find sin a neighbour it wil be visiting of you and coming into your hearts often yea and it is well if you converse not too much with it but if Christ rule over you sinne shall not be your master any more Yea he brings down not only the rebellion of the heart but also every immagination and high thoughts into the obedience of Christ 2 Cor. 10. 4 5. Christ doth not warre like men they first take the out-works and so go neerer neerer but Christ begins first at the heart and brings down the pride of that rebellion of that and then the out-works these high thoughts that arise he brings them down also Christ also secondly wageth a defensive warre defending that soul against sinne and and Sathan Rom. 16. 20. It is true though Sathan be conquered in his dominions and trodden down and sin hath its deadly wound yet are they still conspiring against us and our defence is only by Jesus Christ Zech. 3. 1. where we may see how God keeps his people from being overcome Sathan he takes occasion and advantage from our unholiness and unrighteousness when you come to appear before the Lord what eve appears of sinne in you he will accuse you for before the Father and were it not for Jesus Christ his accusation would stand for it is true but Christ comes and saith the Lord rebuke thee O Sathan is not this a brand plucked out of the fire as if he should say these are a people redeemed by my blood and in a day of hardship therefore take away these filthy garments from them Christ will not onely defend his people but take away that by which Sathan takes occasion and advantage to accuse them Then he came to shew us the nature of this warrier the Lord Jesus which was opened in six things which afforded abundant matter of consolation to my soul if where he comes to rule he rules as a man of strength there is nothing too hard for him Micah 7. 18 19. He will subdue our iniquities thou wilt cast all their sinnes into the depth of the sea great sinnes as covetousness pride and that cursed sinne of unbelief are all subdued by Jesus Christ Therefore if sinne do at any time bear sway in thy soul it is because Christ for a time suspends and lets his power lie still and leaveth you a while to see your own weakness but when he comes again and ingageth your soul to him then is the putting out of his power as a strong man Secondly he carrieth himself as a man of great authority he hath not onely power and strength but a right to govern the hearts of his people oh how sweet is this to poor beleevers Sathan hath power to destroy you but he hath no authority but Christ hath both and therefore it is you are kept by him he can say to the proud waves to the pride and rebellion of your hearts peace be still such is his authority 3. He ruleth also in wisdome poor beleevers are ready to say the Lord hath forgotten them but there is no searching his under standing Isa 40. 27 28. he can find a way to deliver you from your pride and urbelief that you think not of as he did Lot out of Sodom Psal 147. 5 he is that great Counselior that consulteth the safety of his people 4. He rules in Justice he ever wageth warre upon a righteous account and to righteous ends when he comes to warre in your souls it is because there are enemies there he never makes a quarrel but fights because of a quarrel he is not like a man to come onely to be master no Jesus Christ evermore findeth enemies or he would not warre he finds a poor creature unrighteous unholy he wageth warr to leave them holy righteous Fifthly he carrieth himself as a man of constant resolution who if he hath once begun to warre and to subdue iniquity in any of your hearts he will not leave till he makes an end thereof the guilt of sinne is that which troubles poor souls now guilt is the obligation of the soul unto justice it signifies in the Greek to tie bind so when a man sinnes he ties and bindes himself over to justice then God prepares himself for vengeance now Jesus Christ he comes unties this and setteth his soul at liberâ—y that sinne shall not again prevail he will defend that soul to the end and make it more then conquerour over all its enemies Sixthly where Christ comes as a warrier to conquer there he also comes as King to reigne he will rule over them and in them to give lawes to that soul and to give an heart to obey them Christ hath been haply a long time pulling down in your souls well he will come reign also there destroy all the works of the Divel in you and come and rule you and give you lawes and a heart to obey them and that as your King Oh then see here the love of God in giving Christ thus to rule over us consider this love of his from Tit. 3. 3 4. We our selves also were sometimes c. Untill the love of God appeared to a poor Gentile see what he was a poor foolish man that cannot understand what command is given yet these Christ comes to govern nay he finds them not onely silly but disobedient sturdy stout mutinous ones such as will not obey but Christ appears to make foolish disobedient ones obedient but that is not all they are held under deceit and yet Christ of these makes faithfull ones yea that is not all neither but they serve divers lusts not one lust but many but when Christ comes to rule this soul shall have all subdued to him oh consider then how free grace appears in this to whom then will you give up your selves if not to Christ This may also discover the perverseness of those that will not be ruled by Jesus Christ And then hath Jesus Christ taken possession of any of your hearts ruled for you in your souls brought down the pride of your heart laid low the tower of your righteousness governed you in any measure then give him the glory of it and beg of him further to do it you find much amisse he onely can mend all who was given for a ruler and
for the salvation of man all these perfections are purposely in him for the good of his Church he proved it from Heb. 7. 22. Where he is called the surety of a better Testament Christs love is set out by a suretyship now a surety as a surety is wholly for the good of them whom he is thus a surety for if a man as a surety shall become bound to an other when he seals the bond he doth it as a surety when he is arrested for the debt it is as he is a surety when he payes the debt when he cancels the bond he doth it as a surety all he doth from the beginning to the end is onely his voluntary act undertaking to be a pawne and pledge Thus did Jesus Christ God the Father he enters into a covenant with lost man undertaking to be the God of sinfull man and man covenants to be his people he covenanteth to give them this benefit and they to yeild him this obedience now Jesus Christ he comes and undertaketh to be a surety for both he undertaketh to God on mans part all that man oweth shall be paid every jot of duty to be performed shall be performed and on Gods part he undertaketh all the good that God hath promised shall be made good to them upon their beleeving thus he is a surety The like expressions you have Joh. 7. 21. when Christ prayed to the Father for them whom he undertook first to bring them home then to keep them in this world then that they might partake of his glory with the Father for their sakes I sanctifie my self now to be sanctified signifieth ordinarily to be made clean from corruption and indued with grace and holiness but sanctification in this place properly is nothing else but separation to God therefore said Christ I did separate my self give up my self to God and all the work that Christ undertook he expresseth in that word he separated himself for their sakes so that if you do ask why was the Sonne of God made man why he lived why he died why he preached why he prayed all was for their sakes that is for their sakes whom he there prayed for and then in 1 Cor. 1. last Jesus Christ is said to be made unto us wisdome righteousness sanctification and redemption Christ was made all this and he was made it of God and made it for us wisdome to us righteousness to us all to us nay there is no one thing spoken of Christ through the Scriptures but there are plain Scriptures that do shew that it was for us when he was made flesh the Scripture saith it is to us a child is born and a sonne given when he lived he lived for us he is said to die for our sinnes and rise again for justification he ascended for us and sitteth at Gods right hand for us for our sakes he returns to judgement Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my poor spirit from these Scriptures thinking with my self oh wretched heart why shouldest thou ever harbour one hard thought of God or Christ more or give way to one doubt more Then in the application he came to put this lively question to our hearts Whether do any of you relye on Christ for your Saviour and see the need you have of him hath the Lord convinced you of your own lost undone condition through sinne perswading you to go to Jesus Christ and cast your souls on him to undertake for you doth God witness with your souls that really and sincerely above all things in the world you desire to be found in Christ if this be thy condition to which my soul did and doth answer before the Lord Lord thou searcher of hearts knowest by thy rich grace thou hast many years ago brought my soul to this very frame then what is it thou canst want if Christ be thy Saviour why all that is in him is for thee all that wisdome and grace that is in him is for thee and will not this answer all thy objections if thou couldest but understand it rightly what is it thou canst say thou wantest but it is in Christ I saith the soul I know he is all-sufficient then this is in him for thee Then he came to answer a great objection which I must confesse hath puzled my soul many a year and laid me under very sad feares which the Lord cleared up in some measure to my soul heretofore but much confirmed me at this present Object I but saith a soul if I could indeed partake of this you speak of oh this would settle my poor heart but this rather maketh me fear that I have no part in Christ if all that he hath be for his members if I were one of his members how come I to be so emptie could he then deny me that which I humbly beg of him every day the Lord is my witness saith the soul that I have for many years made my daily suit that Jesus Christ would please to give me pardon and grace and wisdome and ability to serve him if he be a friend yea and trusty and thus faithfull would he deny it me if I had a right to it therefore I rather fear I am none of his 1. Answ Say not such a word saith he for it may be thou hast a great deal more then thou dost take notice of If Jesus Christ hath tendred satisfaction to the fathers justice and the Father hath accepted of it and if he hath merited all grace for thee and hath already purchased it for thee and will give it out when thou hast most need thou art then more happy by having it in his hand then if it were in thy own keeping even as if one were my surety haply I want much wherewith to pay all my debts and to provide that for me which I want now if he goes and cancells all my bonds and purchaseth in his hands whatsoever I need is not this for me though not yet delivered into my own hand thou must by that eye of faith see what Christ hath done to the Father and what in his own hand he hath received from the Father and if it be in his hand for thee is it not as good as in thine own 2. Thou sayest thou hast so little It may be thou mightest have a great deal more then thou hast if thou wert indeed contented that Christ should be the well-head and thou onely the cistern but we would faine have our portion of grace to be in our own hands and then we would look upon our selves to be as somebody whereas if we could be but contented to let Christ have the honour of all and we think it enough to be but partakers of it by faith we should have much more commited to our hands then we have already Oh how fully did these two answers come in upon my heart 3. There are no better arguments of a heart filled with grace then to be mourning for the
want of grace for look in the book of God and there they that make the greatest moane over their own hearts and their want of grace they are the most eminent of all other as we see in Paul and David this I speak saith he not to encourage any in a careless lazy way but to comfort drooping spirits and the rather because there is no way under heaven so like to make you really holy as to be emboldened thus to go to Jesus Christ and the soul seeing what full and free grace comes from Jesus Christ the love of Christ would constrain the soul to walk holily and thankfully towards him thus knowing there is all fullness in Christ as in the head for the use of all the members then accordingly as soon as ever you find any defect in your selves in any kind to interrupt your comfort and peace let the next question be But hath he not sufficiency for this then betake to Jesus Christ as suppose a poor woman were going with her pale of water which she had drawn out of a well or living fountaine and on a sudden had a slip and spilt it all out of her paile and there sitteth crying to think what she had lost now whether were it better or a sign of more wisdome for her to stand gathering up of that which she spilt or to go and dip her paile into the Well again and so fill it presently surely the last were her wisdome so when we lose our peace and our comfort we ought to be humbled but to think to recruit our selves by our gathering up that which we have lost this is not our wisdome let us go to Christ our well-head and make it up presently From which the Lord did indeed convince me much of my folly having been so long at work to scrape and gather up somewhat of that I had lost neglecting Jesus Christ where was fullness then did the Lord by this servant of his mightily provoke us to a diligent study of Jesus Christ to bend our mindes heads and hearts and all to come to know what ever there was that was knowable in Jesus Christ and that from the consideration of the excellency of this knowledg above all other knowledg yea further what soever you learn of Jesus Christ you learn but to understand your own wealth and know your own happiness for instance imagine two men coming by some delicate house full of rich treasure and an officer should stand by and say Sir are you willing to see all the riches of this house haply you will say for curiosity sake we care not if we do but if he comes to one of them and sayes Sir all that is here is yours you are made whole executor and it is all bequeathed to you oh how would this man search the house how he would study every deed and every word in it and search every cabinet and get an inventory of all that was there why for they are all his so when we see the wealth rarities of others we say but what do they concern me or if I should see the wealth of Solomon what am I the richer but when I see the wealth of Christ I see my own riches Oh my soul the Lord grant that this may be thy study day and night here indeed is the difference you should make between Christ and others when I hear and read the excellencies of other Saints it may be a discouragement as when I read of the patience of Job I am discouraged because I am so peevish when I read of the holiness of David who prayed seven times a day and many times in the night rising to prayer this discourageth me but when I read of Christs patience or boliness I look on him not as abstract from me but as my head as one that all he did was for me oh then who would not but know what is knowable of him But then again did Christ do all he did for us then surely every thing yea all that a Christian hath should be for Christ and then should we shew our selves Christians indeed as Paul 2 Cor. 5. 14 15. for saith he the love of Christ constrained us for we thus judge that if Christ died for us then were we dead then we that live should live to him that died for us the love of Christ overcame him and carried him captive as a strong stream would carry a little cockboat what was I dead and did Christ give me life then if by the grace of God I live I will give that life to Christ never do you live like a Christian till you come to this to live wholly to Christ in all that you have and do enjoy your estate Trade and in all your outward comforts and it s most certain that to a gracious heart there is no Rhetorick under heaven will more prevail to the performance of a duty or to the avoiding of what is evil then to perswade to the one or to forbear the other by the love of Christ this drawes out the heart to be liberal for Christ and serviceable to Christ oh how full did these convictions come upon my heart the Lord having but just before been pleased to give in a portion of the outward riches to me which wrought so upon my heart and made me greatly to desire and beg of God that whatever I had or enjoyed might be wholly improved for Jesus Christ and for the advancement of his glory The 18 of March Mr. Knight being under some bodily distemper not being fit to preach my heart was drawen out to go to London to hear though with some bodily prejudice not being very well and the weather falling out wet yet did the Lord provide a comfortable and refreshing word for my poor soul both from Mr. Simpson whom I heard in the morning as also from Mr. Rogers whom I heard in the afternoon Mr. Simpson spake from that Scripture Ephes 1. 6 7. verses The 23 of March 1652. being the fourth day of the week did the Lord go on yet further to speak many comfortable rrefreshing words to my soul from Mr. Knights ministery who then spake to us from that Scripture in 1 Joh. 4. 19. We love him because he first loved us whence was observed That as love beaming out from God to his people takes them up into union with himself so this union occasions the reflection upon that divine love whereby we love God again so that being beloved we love the first lover which is God There are two things very pleasing to gracious hearts the one is to take a view of God in his rich love the other to veiw our selves intrested in that love For the first all sights of God are glorious because his glory passeth through all his discoveries but no sight more ravishing then that of his love and no love like his distinguishing love with which he loves his people whereby he makes them both loving and lovely for
the beauty of a Saint is the beam of his love and the lustre and glory of that love is that it springs from his love who loved us first And here he shewed us that in these words we had a loving and beloved disciple of Christ taking a due survey of the fountain of all saving operation to be in God himself and secondly that from the light of that divine love he looks into his own and other beleevers hearts and finds a strange reflection of the divine beam of love from God in his and their loves to God again In the first was shewed the glory of the person loving which is God secondly the manner of his communicating of all saving good it s through love and then the object of this love us and lastly the priority of it he loved us first where was further observed that this is a communicative nature in the goodness of God it is not drawn forth but puts forth it self in love that there is nothing in the creature to procure it neither can any thing in the creature hinder it whiles we were yet enemies he reconciled us by the blood of his cross This love in God is a nature not a passion And all he hath and is and doth to beleevers issues through his love his wisdome power all is communicated through love so that we were taught First that the Saints are the blessed ones of God Secondly they are beloved before they love Thirdly that they that are beloved of him do love him Fourthly that they love him because they are first beloved And by Application of these we are taught First to be like our heavenly Father in love yea in loving where we are not beloved this was a singular thing required of the Saints especially to love mens souls the stream of divine love it runs in the salvation of mens souls it loves to be like God Secondly let no man glory in what he is what hast thou that is not an issue of this love this love makes the difference between thee and others be not high minded but fear Thirdly consider your ingagements to divine love you owe all you have and are and all you shall be to eternity to this love of God Fourthly we were exhorted to look out for as much as love could yeild us love in man sets the whole soule a work to search for some suitable thing that may best please its object so God takes up the best wayes to make the glory of his love shine most clearly towards us and therefore unvailes it in the face of Jesus Christ as also fifthly we were exhorted to walk answerable to this love First humbly it is a free love that is the spring of all we have and are Secondly look into all your wayes to see what fruit this great and glorious seed of love brings forth in you Thirdly be transformed into love that you may be lovely as well as beloved Fourthly as you look into Gods first love so look into your own first love abate not of your love to him for he abates not what he ever was that he will be unto you Fifthly if the Saints are beloved let me take heed of abusing Gods beloved ones his darlings Sixthly walk chearfully you are beloved from above what if the servant frown so the Master love Give God your first love Give God your self in your lives not onely your duties but your selves for God gives you in his love not onely your pardon and gifts and graces but himself Be not jealous of God he loved first Be like God be first in love to the Saints look not for love to your self but be lovely to others Love first and that will draw love God liveth where he loveth he loveth us first then God liveth where he loveth as the creature is said to do if God loveth us then he is said to live within us and that continually and therefore as sure as God liveth there is a reall heaven in the heart of the Saints for as God liveth in heaven so he doth in the heart of his Saints therefore say not who shall go into heaven to see God but if God loves thee and his heart be set on thee there is that lovein thee that shall see Gods love to thee which is a heaven to the heart Is Gods love to you then look for asmuch as Gods love can afford now what will not love afford to a mans wife or children it contenteth them not that they have meat drink apparel but that they have that which is suitable to their relations and condition in this world now all in God issues through his love therefore oh Saints raise your hearts to look for as much as this love can afford so as your hearts may stand and wonder at the height depth and length of the love of God Oh how should your hearts rejoyce ye live not by what you have but on what is in the heart of your Father oh therefore go with open mouths and enlarged hearts to him for if he can find any administration that may most fill and satisfie your hearts look for that because he thought no blood could satisfie you but his Sonnes blood Because he thought no gift like that of his Sonne oh therefore let not your hearts be straightned do not content your selves with little things and say oh if I can but scrabble to heaven I care not but remember in what relation you are set even under the beams of divine love therefore look for as much as this love affordeth you Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my spirit from these precious truths thus hinted out to me and still he goes on confirming my soul in the apprehension of his love which doth in some measure cause my soul to turn back with love to him again which the Lord increase The second of March 1653. having appointed a Church-meeting every Wednesday after the lecture at Fulham and it being now to begin and the brethren being put upon it to exercise their gifts the Lord was pleased much to draw out my heart to beg his presence and pouring out of a large measure of his spirit upon the brethren fitting them for this work taking speciall notice of one of them whose spirit did melt before the Lord into tears in the apprehension as I conceive of the weight of the work which I confess took much upon my heart and drew it out very much to seek the Lord on their behalf as also that it might be a blessed opportunity to all our souls The 28 of March how many sweet refreshments did the Lord hand out to my soul which I desire may abide upon my spirit through Mr. Knights ministery at Fulham from 1 Cor. 11. 24. Take eat this is my body that is broken for you this do in remembrance of me from the word take there are seven considerations full of abundant comforts as they were set upon my heart as First here observe
to enable him to make out yet more clearly that work that he had wrought in his soul if indeed there were any or else give us such a discerning spirit as might teach us what to do in it that if it were his will there might no soul come in among us that might any way darken his glory but that those that were received might be such as himself by his spirit should receive nor none be detained but such as himself should by his spirit through his poor servants detain as also begging of the Lord and that with much earnestness that if there were no real work of his upon his heart that he would be pleased to find out some way or other in his wisdome to keep him off April 24. 1653. was the Lord pleased graciously to convince me yet further of my sinneful passion and aptness to be angry either without a cause or upon a light ground and so to dishonour the Lord which conviction was set home from Mr. Knights expression of Mat. 5. 22. I say if you be angry with your Brother without a cause you shall be in danger of judgement and whosoever sayes to his Brother Racha which word expressed their contemning of their Brethren that is to have contemptible thoughts of them this is a greater evil for this is in danger of the Councel but whosoever shall say thou fool that is one that hath no understanding but is even as a beast this is in Christs judgement an hainous sinne for saith he he shall be in danger of hell fire From all which the Lord was pleased to set it home upon my heart that I had been exceeding guilty even to this day in a great measure of those evils which conviction I desire may abide upon my heart to make me through the strength of Christ more watchfull over my own heart in this respect then ever I have been There is one conviction more this day set upon my heart from these words if thou remember thy Brother hath ought against thee he doth not say if thou hast ought against him but if he hath ought against thee do thou seek reconciliation yea leave not till it be wrought out from which the Lord not onely convinced me of this my duty and told me I should not suffer any prejudice to lie in my heart against any but also much comforted my heart under the sight of this as that which through grace I found the Lord had really wrought in my heart and enabled me daily to practise The same day the Lord was pleased in the ministery of his word to convince my soul that it is not the performance of duties at set times this is not all required but when the soul is indeed pained under the sense of its want of inlargedness to Christ and the like that it cries out as the infant after the breast is not satisfied with any thing without it but the soul panteth within it self and wanteth some manifestation of Christ and this putteth upon duty from which the Lord was pleased to convince my soul that I had been sadly guilty of the misperformance of duty in this respect many times Which put my soul upon a search into it self whether I were not guilty in this respect after which I found I had been often guilty of the misperformance of duties doing them many times especially heretofore without this strong panting and sense of my want April 27. Oh my soul art thou not able to say through grace before the Lord the searcher of hearts that there was hardly that word came out of thy mouth or that action done by thee in any place or company that passeth by thee without a reveiw judging and condemning thy self for them The beginning of May though I can find little fruit or growth in my soul the sight and sense of the works of God upon my soul are as it were drawn over with a cloud yet even then oh my soul hath not the Lord much refreshed thee by enabling thee in some measure to roul upon that gracious word which hath been at seasonable times brought to thy veiw that in Hos 4. 8. I am as a green firr-tree in me is thy fruit found now this tree is alwayes green Doth not the Lord sometimes disappoint the expectation oh my soul even of the sensible enjoyment of his own presence in a duty or ordinance or society that he might the more sweeten it to thee when he is pleased to appear and the more to draw thee out to seek his appearance and to cry mightily after him O my soul why shouldest thou say thou canst not find love to God when thou dost so frequently and restlesly desire the presence and appearance of God in every ordinance and duty if it be not for his own sake why doth not my soul sit down and rest contented with the ordinances themselves Two papers were given to Mr. Knight to present before the Lord at a private fast at Fulham Chappel in the behalf of the nation May 4 1653. 1 One who continually groanes before the Lord under the sense of the body of death and the continuall issuing of it out in the whole course of their conversation to the dishonour of that God that deserveth for ever even by their souls to be admired and praised being a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to their poor souls notwithstanding all their rebellions against him the desire therefore of their souls is that you who love and feat the Lord would improve your interest in him in their behalf that the Lord would once be pleased to give them more power over all their corruptions that however he sees meet to deal with their bodies though he wounds yet it is he that heals though he layes sickness weakness distempers whatever he please upon them that yet he would please to give them more strength in their inward man to subdue and mortifie their corruptions and resist all the fiery darts of Sathan enabling them to walk with an holy awe and fear of his blessed self in the whole course of their conversations in all their relations and under the dispensations of God to them that so if the Lord please they might never prove by their uneven conversations any blot or blemish to the glorious Gospel of God and their Saviour Jesus Christ the thoughts whereof was if their hearts deceive them not more bitter then death 2 One who earnestly desires that those who fear the Lord would wrestle mightily with him in the behalf of some poor dead dark soul who is nearly related to them that the Lord would once be pleased to speak so effectually to their hearts that they might be caused to stand up on their feet and Jesus Christ might give them life that seeing he hath said the dead shall hear the voyce of the Sonne of God and hearing live that this blessed word might be made good to their soules that so they
moneth observing Mr. Knight somewhat astonished at the passages of providence in the government upon which for some time he was very weak in praying for it and seeking the Lord for them in place which was a great trouble to my spirit whereupon I made a draught of a letter to send to him wherein I presented him with my scattered thoughts desiring him to take a veiw of what he delivered to us the last thanksgiving day from that Isai 65. 24. before they call I will answer shewing that God was so quick in his work in these latter dayes that he often left his own behind with some other such hints which letter I did not send fearing to presse too farre upon my own ability in that kind But how abundantly did the Lord answer those desires which were onely upon my heart but not presented at all save onely before the Lord who was pleased to draw out his heart to mention them before him and afterwards upon the 10 of the 6 moneth upon the occasion of a day kept to seek the Lord for them the Lord was pleased again to cast in thoughts upon the same Scripture in Isai 65. 24. before they call I will answer which was a real answer of my poor desires wherein the Lord shewed me that the desires I had were yet upon his heart for which bless the Lord O my soul who though thou didst not press them those desires being hindred by some thoughts arising in my own mind yet was pleased to give me to see the desired issue which thou didst aim at There was the 10 of the 6 moneth at a private day of humiliation we kept with respect to the publick affairs of the nation our selves four papers of desires put up to the Lord to Mr. Knight these two first the Lord hath begun graciously to answer the tenth of this sixth moneth The first was this one to whom the Lord hath discovered from his word what great advantages there are held out in it to the cleansing of the soul and perfecting of holiness in them but the party not being able to discern them to be made real advantages to their souls although if their heart deceive them not it is the great desire and expectation of their souls to perfect holiness and the want of the sight of it their continued burthen which maketh them even cry out for deliverance and for the accomplishment of the time wherein they shall dishonour God no more but shall be made like unto him desires your remembrance before the Lord to those ends that seeing his will is in those things and that the promise is so full concerning the accomplishment of it that he would please to discover to their souls why it is that the work goes so heavily on and what shall be discovered to be the let it may also by him be removed whatever it be though in things never so near and dear and their hearts supported and born up and made submissively-willing to lye down at his feet to be made to do to bear to suffer to forsake any thing for his glory But how graciously did the Lord this same day being the tenth day of this sixth moneth begin to answer one main thing in this request discovering to my soul that haply one main end why he did not perfect this work of holiness in me but suffer corruption still to work might be that I might yet cry out more mightily to him happly I have not been so importunate in my desires after sanctification as after remission and pardon and the sight of sinne and that the Lord would have me yet to cry more mightily and wrestle it out with him and resolve to give him no rest yet not that I should content my self in pouring out those desires to him and so rest there as was also hinted to me the same day but to be watchful over my heart and conscience watching and praying calling and crying untill the Lord appears and not to think it enough to spread these desires before the Lord and then give way to sinne and temptation and corruption and as was the next day the eleventh of this 6 moneth 1653. hinted to me what was Gods end in discovering the power and strength of sin but that we come more near to him and by faith roul upon his covenant and promise for strength against it and on the other side what is Sathans end in setting home sinne with the aggravations of it but to make us sit down in discouragement now O my soul is it better for thee to accomplish Gods end or Sathans end oh therefore close in with God beg power and strength of him to do it Nay in farther answer the Lord was pleased to enable me to expostulate with that unbelief and first of my own heart this eleventh day saying O my soul is it not thy duty to beleeve for is it not said blessed are they that beleeve though thou see not lust and corruption subdued by the eye of sense yet O my soul roul upon the Covenant and promise by faith for faith is the substance of things not seen and the evidence of things hoped for therefore when thou come to be fully rid of this body of death then faith shall cease and be of no use but now is the time to act faith when thou canst by the eye of sense see nothing but thy self to be compassed in with a body of death and corruption And for the want of the sight of holiness perfected in the fear of God the Lord doth not onely discover that his will lies in this work that it is his will even our sanctification and that we may well remember him with it and pray as he teacheth us that his will may be done so it shall certainly be but did the Lord discover to my soul the eleventh of this moneth that this also was part of the prayer of Christ sanctify them through thy truth Joh. 17. and he saith in Joh. 11. speaking at Lasazrus his grave I thank thee O Father that thou hast heard me alwayes but I speak it for their sakes that they might beleeve now O my soul if this be Christs prayer and that as he saith Joh. 17. not for the disciples onely but all that should after beleeve and if God heareth him in what ever he asketh as he saith he doth then O my soul up and beleeve for this work shall certainly go on The truth is the Lord did herein not onely answer to this but to the other request also that was this day presented so that the Lord did answer them both even as I did at once present them both blessed for ever be his name Which gracious answer caused my soul the next day to present this short desire also to Mr. Knight to be put up to God in way of thanks saying one whom the Lord hath been pleased through rich grace and mercy to hear and answer since our last meeting desires to
magnifie the name of our prayer-hearing God a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to his poor worthless Creature beseeching him further to increase my faith and help me to act it lively at this present in a plentifull feeding upon the Lord Jesus that so my soul may find abundant strength healing and cleansing to issue from him in whom all my hope and help lyeth The same tenth of this sixth month the second paper that I put up this day was in relation to our communion which I thus expressed One of this despised handful desires that the Lord would be pleased to humble our souls before him that we have been guilty before him of rashness and inconsiderateness together with want of love and tenderness to each other which the Lord make every soul of us deeply sensible of and help us to abound more to his praise in every good word and work that we might never by any of our weaknesses and miscarriages be any occasion to darken his glory to the world In answer to which the Lord was pleased in some measure to draw out the heart of Mr. K. to confesse this iniquity before the Lord with it a sense of and to mourn for one who came in at the first without due trial which I hope not without some ground the Lord hath set it home upon many if not all our spirits with adeepsense of our miscarrage in it The tenth of the sixth moneth were the papers put up also to present to the Lord by Mr. Knight at a day of fast thus One desires your earnest prayers before the Lord and to spread the sad condition of one in near relation to her that conceiveth himself in a happy condition when there are grounds enough to fear the contrary she desires you together with her to beseech the Lord to discover it to him that so he may have no rest in his soul till he be brought home and built upon the Lord Jesus Christ that onely foundation The same tenth of this sixth Month 1653. one who was compassed with such a body of death and corruption under which the party sadly mourns polluting all that ever she puts her hand unto therefore she desires your earnest prayers to the Lord that he would come and dwel in her soul and be as a refiners fire and as fuller Sope to cleanse her and to burn up whatsoever is contrary to himself or any way darkens his glory The 13 of the sixth moneth The Lord drew out my heart exceedingly to beg an increase of faith even beyond sight sense that though I could not see corruption dead yet that I might beleeve that it should be so in Gods time as also to beg for our sister Harris her Mother and that the Lord would please to cure her of the fear of death who had been subject to this bondage and help her to commit her soul to him as a faithful creatour and an everlasting loving tender-hearted Father The fifteenth day of the sixth moneth was discovered to me that I had often thought that if I had but assurance of the love of God then nothing could trouble me but I should be swallowed up with joy and even overcome with it but Oh my soul hath it been thus with thee since the Lord appeared abundantly in way of refreshment to thee or rather quite contrary since thou hast been set free from from the fear of hell and wrath oh how sad to think that ever thou shouldest live to rebel against such a God a Father of so much mercy About the end of the seventh moneth the Lord being pleased to lay some light affliction upon my poor body thereby drawing out my heart after this manner to him Blessed Lord what might thy ends be in thy fatherly chastisements oh that thou wouldst discover it and rather let this affliction abide continue yea be increased and augmented what thou wilt rather then that the corruption should not be discovered and purged out which requests were still continued Then was the Lord pleased in some measure in answer hereunto to discover those things following to me which I know not but that he might much aim at as might not the Lord have some respect to thy want of pity and compassion to one in misery Might not the Lord lay his hand upon thee though not in that kind nay were he not righteous if he should lay the same stroke hast not thou deserved it as wel as she might not the Lord do it to call thee home and quicken thee from thy sloth deadness dulness and the estrangement of heart that was so fast a growing between thy soul and the Lord O blessed father saith my soul let my corruptions be wrought out and thy poor creature quickned Was not thy heart and affections exceedingly running out from the Lord to the creature oh blened be that stroke that cals thee back so that this work were but done by it The third day of the eighth moneth being much oppressed in spirit with the thoughts of the dishonour that would come to God and scandal to the Gospel by the sad falling of one of our brethren and the fear that is upon my heart touching him The Lord was pleased to draw out my heart this evening to beg of him to discover to our souls in generall and to my soul in particular what his ends were in gathering this poor handful together telling him I hope he did not do it to make us the instruments of his dishonour to the world and withall I was put upon it I verily beleeve by the spirit of the Lord in that same day to reflect back upon my own soul what my ends were injoyning in that communion and as I was pressing the Lord to shew me why or to what end he had directed me to joyn in that societie telling him withal that surely my desires were to attend upon direction in it and that if any other thing what ever did byasse my spirit in the act that the Lord would please to discover it to me whereupon I begged of the Lord that he would help me to examine my heart about it and that if I were byassed by any wrong respect that the Lord would convince me of it and humble my soul deeply for it and pardon it in Christs blood now O my soul deal impartially in this work of examination in this thing and spread it before him This Letter was given to Master Knight what to seek the Lord about upon the ninth of this Moneth 1653. Dear Sir SAthan having often beset my soul to endeavour to keep it from a present participating in this holy ordinance upon several pretences and having again now attempted it I durst no longer keep his counsell but in the imparting of it I crave that help of your prayers at the throne of Grace that the Lord would be pleased to disappoint him in all his vices that wherein he seeketh to do me hurt
world to see with what countenance my Lord looketh upon this and the other action being I hope desirous I am sure if my heart deceive me not to see the will of my God in every promise providence and administration 4 The Lord hath made me faithful in that he hath put into my soul this earnest desire that my ends in all I do might onely be to seek the advancement of him my Lord whom I desire only to serve daily begging of him I might no more live to my self as I have too much and have too long done yea when I finde any thing of my self or self-ends to appear or break forth though but in the buds is it not bitter to my soul and such as imbitters the best action to me though otherwise never so good And this desire of serving the Lord I may upon experience say I finde to differ not only from that slavish fear that is in others I will not say so though I suppose it to be true also but from that slavish fear that did too much predominate in my own poor soul which did in the time of my bondage cause me to fear rather then love him but now the Lord hath in some measure been screwing up my obedience to an higher note or pin that it is now to a Lord and Father whom at last I would love And I do also lament before him in the sincerity of my soul that I can love him no more who have so much loveliness in him yea nothing but loveliness yea it is a service of a Lord who wills all and maketh the law and maketh it to be just because he can do no evil and I would I could continually meditate upon this his will but this is it I daily press after and mourn under the want of the clear sight of this that there should be so much fear in my heart concerning the issue or event of any thing wherein my Lord shall be pleased at any time to declare his will to lie in Further discoveries of Faithfulness 1. Faithfulness appears in the reality of the heart serving the Lord with all the heart soul and strength and so faithfulness in prayer lieth not in the pouring out of words though with some affection but doing it with all the heart soul and strength and a full exercise of every grace to the utmost in every service I do for Christ And O my soul is not this that thou daily pressest after though thou canst not fully attain unto it what else maketh thee to mourn over thy prayers and duties but that thou findest no more of thy heart and strength in them Is not thy constant desire that all thy soul and strength might be offered up to God in every service thou doest him 2. They are faithful servants of Christ that do all they do in order to a trust from Christ who intrusteth them with his Ordinances with their health wealth comforts injoyments all I have is but a trust from Christ now to be faithful is to improve this trust to God to do all the good that possible I can by his Ordinances to do every service to him as they that indeed exercise a point of trust he intrusting me with his glory in this world faithfulness is to make the utmost advantage to raise up his glory in this world make him appear great And so faithfulness in improving all the graces that God and Christ intrusteth me with by improving of them to make the utmost advantage for him and so for health and all outward comforts Now O my soul hath not the Lord written this in thy very heart that all that ever thou hast and enjoyest both spiritual and temporal whether ordinances graces comforts all thy enjoyments that thou hast by trust from Christ and must be improved for him and not spent upon thy self or this world and doth not the thoughts of this make thee daily mourn before the Lord that thou canst not improve them better that he hath so little revenue of glory from thee and by thee but that so much of his stock lies as it were dead and unimproved doth not the sight of this cause thee to mourn daily before him that he should intrust thee with so much and receive from thee so little Now O my soul doth not the thoughts of this make thee cry daily out to the Lord beseeching him to reveal his mind will to thee how he would have thee improve this or that other mercy or trust committed to thee and not onely teach thee his will in it but also help thee to improve it to his glory continually Yea O my soul is there not a continued fear upon thy heart which causeth thee often times to pour out strong cryes before the Lord that he would help thee to give him the glory of all the mercy and good things he betrusteth thee with at any time as also that there might never be found in thee any backwardness or unwillingness to give up thy trust in any thing whatever into his own hands when ever he sees meet to call for it which seemeth to note a further degree of faithfulness Further discoveries of Faithfulness at the same time 1 Faithfulness appears in the generality of it when a man is faithful in all that he hath though all that he hath be but a little and truly herein I have great cause to lament before the Lord for in the stead of being faithful in all that I have there is much unfaithfulness in me that appears in all that the Lord trusteth me with and yet O my soul maiest thou not also say that there is some degree of this faithfulness or at least a desire after it in thee and maiest thou not say By this law of thy Lord as Paul doth of the Law of God in general With my mind I even my self serve this Law of God in faithfulness though in my flesh I do too often rebel against it which is my daily burthen from which evil in thy own time deliver me oh my God and this I desire to wait for 2. Faithfulness appears in being faithful notwithstanding all difficulties that accompany them in their services Now O my soul hast thou not abundantly cause to give glory to God that hath been pleased to make thee thus faithful in any degree or measure in this respect who by his own hand power hath carried thee through many a reproach and scoff and scorn and by words making thee like Isaac who was still persecuted by Ishmael and hath not this been thy Lot by some ever reproaching thee scoffing deriding thee backbiting speaking evil abundantly of thee and yet falsly doing their utmost to bring thee out of favour with those whose love thou highly prisest and have reason for it And how did the Lord make thee to lie down under this when others taxed thee of hypocrisie and the like to search thy own heart and bemoan before the Lord the
degrees of it which thou sawest through mercy by others though not visibly to them Thus did the Lord bring a good issue out of their own speeches and words causing thee to lie down at his foot expecting the punishment of thine iniquity Yea greater difficultie then these hath the Lord carried thee through when all the powers of Hell and thy own Corruptions have combined together to keep thee from duties of Prayer Meditation and Examination and the like and yet the Lord hath enabled thee to break through all and to pour out thy soul to him when thou wert even in thy own apprehensions at the Pits brink and yet resolved to cry to him and not to give over crying and calling whilst thou livest notwithstanding all temptations to the contrary yea the more strong the temptations were the more speedily wert thou fain to address to the Lord for his strength and power to assist thee in grapling with them yea when some times overcame as it were and beaten down by Satan and entring the very borders of despair yet even thence from this belly of hel in which thou didst apprehend thy self already entred did not the Lord inable thee to cry to him resolve to give him no rest Yea when thou foundest no advantage or profit of all thy Prayers and Tears Sighs Croans but that the Lord seemed to turn a deaf ear yet did not the Lord enable thee to go on and to tell him that all those comforts and enjoyment here below they were poor mean things such as thou couldest not take for thy portion and therefore didst beg with submission to his wil That if he had no other for thee but the portion of this life that he would please to deny thee them also and never give them to be a snare but rather let thee end thy dayes in some desolate Wilderness 3. Faithfulness appears in cheerful service Now O my soul art thou not able to say before the Lord the searcher of hearts through his grace that so much faithfulness as thou canst discern in thee in any service of thy Lord is thy very joy and rejoicing of thy heart but on the other side so much unfaithfulness as thou canst discern in any service this is it that maketh thee go mourning all thy dayes because thou art no more fruitful 4. O my soul thy faithfulness in some measure appears in that thou art rejoiced really in spirit when any opportunity is put into thy hand and thy heart being enabled in any measure to improve it to the service and for the glory of thy Lord and art thou not on the contrary grieved that thou hast so many opportunities offered before thee but like a fool hast not a heart to improve them for the glory of thy Lord is not this thy daylie burthen Lord thou knowest it is when through the subtilty of Satan and deceit of my own heart I fool away many rich opportunities by not improving of them which after proved a sad burthen and affliction to me 5. O my soul doth there not appear some degree of faithfulness to thy Lord in that thy endeavours do come still beneath thy desires hath not the Lord really enabled thee through grace to say with Paul The good that I would do I do not But O that I could do it that I could serve the Lord more and better but oh how low do I live and how poorly do I walk but oh that I could come to Prayer and read and hear and meditate and do all private and publike duties and walk in all my Relations in this world as might honor this my Lord are not these the continual groans and breathings of my heart before the Lord Lord thou knowest it for I have none I desire to appeal unto but to thee the searcher of my heart 6. Lord doth not some faithfulness appear to be wrought in my soul by thee in that thou hast above all things made me to delight in that work that no eye sees but thy self Thou knowest what a fear hath been upon my spirit and is to this day in a great measure to appear before others thou Lord knowest how many years this fear hath been as a prison to keep in the workings of my heart as doors to my mouth to keept it from lamenting it self not so much as in one word in the hearing of others lest there should any pride or hypocrifie act in it yea to this very day how many services wherein perhaps thy Lord might be honoured art thou prevented and durst not to act in upon this very accompt that it cannot be done in private canst thou not say before the searcher of hearts That such thoughts and apprehensions and fears as these least others should esteem thee better then thou art or thy own spirit be lifted up before the Lord or any false ends byasse thee in it That such thoughts I say as thefe do often as it were tye up thy tongue sow up thy mouth in all companies even whiles at that instant thy heart is even ready to split or break in pieces for want of vent sometimes apprehending that those discoveries that the Lord was pleased sometimes to make to thee and the rich grace he is pleased to manifest in thee in overcoming all the unkindness in thee ought not to be put unnder a bushel but held out to others and yet not daring to do it finding my wretched heart so prone to be lifted up upon all such occasions and so dishonor God that way and so deceive others and my self also And through both these fears my soul often walks sadly before the Lord fearing to offend him and not being able to discern it whether way I might most honor him having made trial of both sometimes silent and sometimes spake and finding the wickedness of my heart appear sadly in both I knew not sometimes which was best the Lord in mercy manifest and clear up to me O my soul Thus may it probably and hopefully appear to thee that the Lord hath made thee in some measure his faithful servant 1. The Lord hath given me some hopes that I trust I have no other Master that I willingly call Rabbi or willingly serve but my Lord Jesus nor have I any other work that I do upon which my heart is delightfully set upon but only my Lords work and this appears farther to me in that the Lord hath I hope in some measure wrought my heart to this frame of spirit to desire above all things to serve my Lord Christ in all the Relations he hath set me in in this world and to that end every failing in any of them either as a child or friend or any Relation though I too sadly fail in them all this is that which if my heart deceive me not above all things breaketh my heart to think that hereby I do dishonor my Lord Jesus and that profession of being his servant It is not
so much that I offend any Relation as that I grieve the spirit of God in all my actions and in all my Relations in this world I hope that my soul is in the first place set to serve my Lord in the duties to them as that which he requires and my be for his honor if done rightly and though I do often transgress the commands of my Lord Jesus yet I trust I do not make it my work but it my daylie burthen 2. My desires and daylie grones before the Lord are that I might be wholly devoted and given up to Jesus in my whole inward and outward man and I would that all my poor parts and strength and time yea all my inward and outward Talents should be improved in his service wholly how often doth my soul breath before the Lord after this manner Oh Father is it not long enough yea too too long that I have been too too much at Satans beck and the worlds yea and mine own Oh that it might be thus no longer and that I might no longer live to my self or seek or please my self in any thing but that my whole soul may be set to please my Lord Jesus is it not my daylie burthen that I have too too much sought and served my self both in natural and spiritual things that I have had too many self-ends and designes which the Lord crucifie fully for my Lords sake and as for the service of the world if I know any thing of mine own heart it is my daily desire prayer and indeavour to throw the world wholly out of my heart That I might not do any service any longer to sin or Satan and if at any time they do get any little from me how grudgingly and repiningly is it done yea is it not the grief of my soul that I have had any expectation or desires after any thing in the world or of this world that my eye is not wholly and really upon Jesus Christ for expectation provision and all what I need 3ly Though I have a wretched heart that hath and still would be picking its work thinking that other servants of Christ they have an easier work and go through this world filled filled with the joy of the Holy Ghost yea and have their cups of earthly blessings overflowing and hereupon my wicked heart hath been carried disorderly to long after and wish for such a condition and think that I had a hard portion to be always afflicted with inward and outward distempers and weaknesses trials in bodily afflictions of most sorts and invvard vveaknesses infirmities temptations of divers kinds and in high degrees suffered my name especially for my desire to walk in the wayes and services of my Lord which my wicked heart thought very hard and to this day is too ready sometimes to murmure though through the goodness of my God it hath not the power or strength that it hath had yet the very rising of it causeth my soul still to beg strength against it and a thorow victory over it begging daily a submissive frame of spirit to the will of my Lord in all things desiring no more to pick and chuse my condition and work but begging the Lord to chuse for me who knoweth what is best for me and if he seeth meet that I should serve him in the fire of affliction inward or outward that he would but subject my heart to his wil sanctifie that condition to me and do with me what he please 7ly Doth there not appear some degree of faithfulnesse in thee in that thou lovest most whom thou esteemest to do most for Christ and daily mournst that others do no more for him then thou doest is it not a continual burthen to thee that thou canst do no more for Christ and art imployed no more by him Maiest thou not say safely before the Lord who knoweth the truth of it that thy heart is not taken with any creature in this world what ever it be and if upon any yet upon no other account whatever but only as they are servants to thy Lord and what ever their other adjournings were whether beauty or parts or riches and honour or whatever none of all these did to thy remembrance advance any creature in the esteem of thy soul 8ly Wouldest thou not gladly O my soul be putting on others yea and bless the Lord if he would please to inable thee to this work that seeing thou canst do so little for him thy self that he would inable thee to spur on others to do more for him then thou canst and is it not thy burthen that through one temptation or other thou art so much prevented in this blessed work also To what end else are thy words and writings to others and continued begging of their remembrance of thee before the Lord 9ly Is it not thy daily grief that both thy self and others move so slowly in this work to see men lose their first love and walk not so rightly and faithfully with Christ as formerly is not this thy daily grief and burthen and that which sometimes even overwhelmeth thy spirit 10ly O my soul doest thou not desire continually to blesse the Lord that he hath made thee his servant to serve him in any work for what art thou that the Lord should chuse thee out to be his servant when he might have taken others that might have done more service yea doest not thou bless the Lord O my soul more in that he hath made thee his servant then that he hath given thee riches or honour or esteem in the world are these any thing in thy eye in comparison of being made his servant did not the Lord bring thee to that pass before he appeared in way of comfort to thee to make thee beg of him upon thy knees that thou maiest but be made a servant of his whatever else thou underwentest though thou shouldest be made as the off-scouring of all things or forced to beg thy bread in this world yet that thou mightest but be his servant 11ly O my soul maiest thou not say that infirmities are more afflictive because impediments in the service of Christ then because they are afflictions upon thee art thou not more troubled when sick weak in body minde or understanding because these unfit thee for the service of Christ then becaus weak sick or low in esteem of others Lord thou knowest there is much trembling upon my spirit about this whether I may say this before thee or no but if it be not thus with me O Lord I beg of thee to work this frame in me for it is that I desire to presse after daily and am grieved that I am no more clear in yet methinks sometimes it is in some measure evident to my soul that the defects that accompany my service are more grievous and burthensome to me then the want of success of comfort though sometimes I am quite dark as to the clearing of this
more upon me J thought J should hardly be able to wait upon the Lord in his administrations the next day desiring the Lord to direct me what to do and submit my will to his yet very early that morning J had many reasonings in my self what to do being loth to distrust the power of God that J had so often found eminently held out to me and yet unwilling to tempt the Lord to appear to me in any extraordinary way desiring much his direction at last the Lord was pleased to enable me to resolve to go notwithstanding I was exceeding ill of an extraordinary cold beseeching the Lord to appear to my soul and as he was pleased to give me that probability of the injoyment of him once more that it might be a blessed opportunity to my soul and that his mighty power and spirit might accompany every word and hint to my soul that it might be of spiritual advantage to me such as I might have cause to bless his name for and also to mould me into whatever truth hee should reveal to me that day And truly I desire to acknowledge that the nineteenth day of this twelfth moneth the Lord was pleased very gloriously to appear through his word administred by our deer Pastor both in the exposition of the end of the 14. of Matt. as also in both Sermons this day at which time he began to discourse upon the 45 Psalm but did only handle the Title of it this day from which the Lord was pleased to hint out very precious glorious useful yea seasonable instructions to my soul which I desire earnestly to beg of God to cast and mould my heart into yea such truths as proved an answer to several desires of my soul many dayes before and to the groanings of my soul before the Lord even continually almost to wit that the Lord would be pleased to gather my heart out of all things below Jesus Christ and give me to the end such a sight of my Lord Jesus Christ as might indeed take my heart from all other things now that at this time the Lord should thus seasonably cast his thoughts upon such a Scripture as this it did cause my soul to admire the riches of his grace and condiscention to such a worm yea whereas my spirit hath of late been greatly troubled about my foolish conversation being not such as may any way adorn the Gospel walking very unseemly in all my relations and very much offending therein vvith my tongue vvhich hath occasioned many a sad thought upon my heart and many a sigh and groan yea tears before the Lord to set a vvatch before my mouth and subdue this vvicked iniquity in me And now did the Lord this day lay open the spring the root the cause of it my eye was not as it ought upon my heart nor my heart as it ought to be upon Jesus Christ nor when it was upon him was it in a boyling frame for as by him hinted were the heart boyling hot about the Lord Jesus Christ the tongue could not issue out such vanities as it doth novv dear Lord let not these things be spread before me in vain I beseech thee but do thou by the mighty Power of thy spirit make them of singular use unto me The 11th of this first Month the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to beg of him to manifest himself in that Relation of an Husband to my soul more and more letting me to find and feel what it was experimentally to be imbraced by him and gathered up into more intimate communion with him and much more to this effect The next morning he caused my soul to breath out in this manner That though I was every vvay unfit for communion with him yet beseeching him to appear to my soul and a sight of himself would much rejoice my heart telling him that as he had often appeared gloriously in this kind so that he would please to let my soul find once again by experience his mighty power to break out through what ever instruments he shall please to make use of this day that I might through them have a glorious sight of himself In which the Lord was pleased greatly to bow down appearing graciously through Mr. Price who spake to us in his Name the 12. day of this first Month. Upon the 26. day of this first Month 1654. we went to James expecting to have heard Mr. Cradock but when we came there we heard there would be a stranger at which I was much troubled in my spirit and after some debate in my self I began to repine but expecting the Lord might have some seasonable Word for me and truly blessed be his Name there was many seasonable things hinted to my soul by him which both refreshed stayed my spirit The next day at night being the 27 of this first Month Amongst other things when I was seeking of the Lord he drew out my soul with some measure of sensibleness of his hand upon our Pastor vvhat a sad stroke it vvould be if the Lord should strip us of him taking him from us oh What vvould become of Gods glory how vvould his and our enemies insult over us though it is true vve have deserved it I am sure I have to be stripped of this mercy and scattered from each other because vve have been no more fruitful under all the mercies means and appearances of God through him and I begged to sanctifie his hand upon him both as to him and us teach us all to improve it and know his mind in it desiring the Lord vvithal that he vvould please to hasten and accomplish his Work through this dispensation and in his own time to command health and deliverance to us and give in this mercy as a pledge of his love amongst us that he might come again amongst us filled vvith the spirit and ready to break out those discoveries of God upon his heart and that vve also may be fitted for this mercy and made more ready to receive impression from God through him then formerly And for my own soul after many requests for the subduing of corruptions and regulating my affections and taking off my heart from all things here below and placing it upon the Lord Jesus after which and many other requests the Lord drew out my heart with desires that if the Lord saw it meet to add another night or another day to me that he would together with it give me a heart to serve him in it and that as he reneweth the light and raiseth from sleep so that he would inliven my heart in his waies and quicken up my soul to a more lively service of him and if the Lord see it meet to give me one opportunity more to hear his word that he would please to fit me for it and to come in through whatsoever instrument he shall please that my soul might have such a blessed sight of him
is the Lord that brought us up out of the Land of Aegypt that led us through the Wilderness through a Land of Desarts and of Pits through a Land of drought of the shadow of death through a Land that no man passes through and where no man dwelt v. 7 Brought you into a plentiful Land to eat the fruit thereof and the goodness thereof but you entred you defiled my land and made my Heritage an abomination And was not this my condition How did the Lord with a strong and mighty hand bring me out of the Egyptian Bondage that sad slavery that I was in under Satan and those cruel Taskmasters he set over me in my ovvn heart and conscience my corruptions and guilt which laid insupportable burthens upon me both vvaies commanding me to make brick laying the Law before me but giving me no strength to do it nay continually hindering and pulling me back from it and yet scourging me for all the neglect of it yea through a Wilderness through a Land of Desarts did he carry me in vvhich I thought I savv my self vvholly deserted of God which was no small trouble to me through a Land of Pits yea Pits on every hand into which I was ready still to fall through a Land of Drought wherein my soul was ready to faint in me for thirst after the Lord yea through the shadow of Death And oh how then hath the Lord brought me into the shadow of death time after time laying me on my sick bed and pale death still looking me in the face with dreadful terrors and amazement yea to the very Pits brinck of hell in my own apprehensions which is the worst of deaths yea through a Land where no man passeth or dwells having none to condole my misery none being acquainted with it or me but wandering as it were by my self thinking and deeming that no soul was in half so sad a condition as I was but on the contrary hath not the Lord since oh that I could but bless his Name for it brought me into a plentiful Country shined upon my soul given me some tastes and glimpse I hope of the good Land which whiles I was thus entering into I did sadly wax careless and remiss after some time and too much taken with the vanities of this World and letting out my heart too much to the creature-comforts v. 9 Wherefore saith the Lord I will plead with you and with your childrens children will I plead hath any Nation changed their gods which are no gods but my people have changed their glory for that which doth not profit v. 13. They have committed two evils they have forsaken me the Fountain of living waters and hewed on t to themselves Cisterns broken Cisterns that can hold no water Oh! may not the Lord righteously complain thus of me have not I too much declined from him and run out after creatures in my affections and desires and placed too much happiness in other things which have been made appear to be broken Cisterns that could not hold any Water V. 14 15 16 And now saith the Lord Why art thou speiled have the Lyons roared upon thee and is thy Crown spoiled v. 17. Hast thou not procured this to thy self in that thou hast forsaken the Lord thy God whon he led thee by the way Oh! may not the Lord rghteously say thus to thee Are the Lyons let loose upon thee do trouble and sorrow come in again upon thee And is Satan let loose in any measure to torment thee Mayest thou not thank thy self Hast thou not brought it on thee Is it not righteous with the Lord to do so by thee v. 18. VVhat hast thou to do in the way of Aegypt i.e. to return from the Lord to the creature to seek any good what ever What hast thou to do to drink the waters of Shiloh or the waters of the River or in the way of the Aijyrians v. 19. Thy own wickedness shall correct thee oh Lord and hast thou noâ— made it to do so and thy back slidings reprove thee know therefore and see that it is an evit thing and bitter that thou hast forsaken the Lord thy God and that his fear is not in thee V. 20 For of old time I have broken thy Yoke blessed Lord thou hast and burst thy bands and thou saidest will not transgresse yea Lord it is very true yet I have so done again V. 23. How canst thou say I am not polluted see thy way in the valley know what thou hast done thou art a swift Dromidary traversing her wayes Do but consider with thy self and thou shalt see what thou takest and how unwearied thy wicked heart is in its continual traversing that by being frequently carried out after other things then me V. 24. A wild Asse that is used to the Wildernesse that snuffeth up the winde at her pleasure in her occasion who can turn her away all they that seek her will weary themselves in her Month they finde her Blessed Lord how clearly dost thou point as it were at my wicked heart which like a wild Asse a rugged thing and wild also very untamed and unruly unwilling to endure to be held in by any bridle or made any way ferviceable to thee But used to the wildernesse frequently conversing and running out after the things of this wildering world Yea snuffing up the wind And is not this a righteous judgement from thee that what ever my heart runs out after but thy self it should be but as vvind that for the present fills but satisfieth not nourisheth not but in the end tormenteth and causeth pangs tearing in the bowels oh this is the misery of my wretched heart that it can take and fall in with the World but hardly taken off VVho can turn her away Oh Lord how hard is it to give a turn to this wretched heart running out after any vanity here below who can turn it Thy Messengers may come and come with thy Word in their mouths and cry Stop and stand and make a parly but they are not able to give a real turn yea thou art pleased often times to come in with many a sweet motion by thy spirit and yet this gives not an effectual turn neither yea thou comest in often times many ways sometimes by mercy sometimes by afflictions and yet these neither can sound a retreat Oh that thou who only canst do it wouldst once please to give such a real turn to my heart in the pursuit after any thing but thy self that it may never be so any more V. 31. Have I been a VVilderness to Israel Oh Lord thou hast not been so to my soul V. 32. Can a Maid forget her Ornaments and yet my people have forgotten me Oh Lord Must not I cry guilty before thee here for did I remember that I should not so often sin against thee V. 33. VVhy trimmest thou thy way to seek lovet V. 36. Why gaddest thou
with my hand yea with my right hand yea with the right hand of my righteousness secretly hinting that there is a fear in a poor soul in point of righteousness then he goes on to tel them what shall become of their Enemies and he ushers it in with a Behold 11. Behold what I will do with thine Enemies Behold all they that are incensed against thee shall be ashamed and confounded yea they shall be as nothing yea they that do but strive with thee shall perish thou shalt seek them and shalt not finde them even them that contend with thee it comes in with an Emphasis Them that contend with thee they that war against thee shall be as nothing Oh what a consummation is here determined from the Lord against those Enemies of his poor people and weak servants that strive contend and war with them they shall be first ashamed and confounded but that is not all they shall perish also they shall not be to be found for they shall be brought to nothing Oh what a destruction is here determined from the Lord upon them they shall vanish so suddenly that the poor soul shall not be able to think it but shall seek them and not find them they shall be as nothing and why so why because they are in the hands of such a powerful God and though his servants be weak and poor and low he hath said I will help thee in all hard services and in all thy strong conflicts I will help thee and uphold thee with my arm also he addeth it again in the next verse even the same he had newly spoken in the tenth verse but now he goes on again applying it For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand or as he saith elsewhere I will teach thy hand to war and thy fingers to fight yea I will not only help thee but I will encourage thee also saying to thee I will help thee yet least this should not be support or strengthning enough least the soul should object and say Alas I am a poor creature a poor despised creature a worm the most despised creature that is even trod under foot of all the most useless of creatures the most feeble creature the most unable to help its self against which the Lord bovveth down gloriously to add yet further 14. Fear not yea fear not thou Worm Jacob and ye men of Israel though you be but Worms but men and are to grapple with all the Powers of Hell invvard and outvvard Enemies yet fear not you men of Israel I help thee thus saith the Lord ye the Lord will help thee thou worm thou man I will that hath command of those thy Enemies 27. And it is the Lord thy Redeemer and the Holy One of Israel and as if the Lord should say Thou shalt not only come against them that are thy Enemies and cause them to flye away but thou shalt thresh them Behold saith the Lord I will make thee a threshing Instrument and not a dull one neither but a new one yea a sharp one having Teeth or Mouths to grate them withal Thou shalt thresh them What shalt thou thresh The Mountains yea the Mountains thy Enemies the Land it self thou shalt thresh those Mountains beat them small and make the Hills as chaff not small but great and strong Enemies shalt thouuse thus 16. Thou shalt fan them and the winde which none knows whence it comes or whither it goeth that winde shall carry them away yea that Whirlwinde the most dreadful of Windes and the most quick and fierce shall scatter them and what shall be the issue of all this Thou shalt rejoice in the Lord shalt glory in the Holy One of Israel He doth not say Thou shalt glory in thy Victory over those Enemies in what thou hast done or the like no Thou shalt glory in the Lord and rejoice in him how gloriously doth the Lord go on to prevent all the Objections of his servants Well suppose all Enemies be destroyed what is this if I dye for thirst c. Well saith the Lord to prevent this when the poor and needy seek Water i.e. seek soul-refreshment as well as Victory over Enemies and they finde none and their Tongue faileth for thirst intimating the depth of want and extremity of thirst yet then I the Lord will hear them i.e. when they are hardly able to cry unto me but are even ready to give up then I will hear the very groans of their heart and I the God of Israel will not forsake them though they be brought into that condition that they can hardly speak because their Tongue faileth yet I will not forsake them 18. But I will open the Rivers in high places they shall have abundance and they shall have it in the most unlikely way Rivers in the high places and Fountains in the Valleys all as it were by contraries yea I will make the Wilderness and the dry Land pools and springs of water which is even a Miracle which I will rather work then those poor souls shall not be satisfied 19. I will plant in the Wilderness the Cedar and the Myrtle Tree I will set in the Desart the Fir Tree the Pine and the Box Tree things very rare and wonderful 20. And this shall be that they may see know consider and understand hearty Expressions that the hand of the Lord hath done this the holy one of Israel created it as if he had said should I do this great Work in an ordinary way and by ordinary means they would not see so much of the power of God in it but that they may see it was a creating or created Work therefore will I do it in this unusual way Isaiah 42. V. 1. Where the Lord shews to what end he gave our Lord Jesus 4. As also how gloriously he would be with him and support him in his Work 6. And first he saith He gave him to be a Covenant or the Covenant and that to the Gentiles yea 7. To be a light to them to open the blind eyes and loose the Prisoners out of the Pison-Houses He confirmeth it with a Declaration of his own glorious Name 8. I am the Lord Oh! therefore sing to the Lord a new Song praise him through the earth you that go down into the Sea you that are as the Wilderness i.e. though never so desolate or in greatest danger however do you praise him 16. Then he addeth glorious promises to bring the blind by the way that they knew not to lead them in the pathes they have not known to make darkness light before them crooked things straight yea to do all this and with all addeth I will not forsake them 17. But they shall be greatly ashamed saith the Lord that will now trust in any thing besides me and so make a god of it when as I do all this for my people 19. Then the Lord seemeth as it were sadly to lament
even over his own people as if they were the most blind and deaf of any 22. You are a people robbed and spoiled and Prisoners 23. But who saith God wil give ear hear for time to come 24. Who gave Jacob for a spoile and Israel to the robbers did not I the Lord he against whom we had sinned for they would not walk in his way nor were obedient to his Law 25. Therefore he poured upon him the sury of his anger and the strength of Battel and set him on fire round about yet he knew not and it burned him yet he laid it not to heart A sad senceless estate under such a hand of God poured out with fury and anger and yet behold in the next Chapter how full of grace mercy and kindness the Lord appears to such a people as this I say Behold and vvonder at the admirable Expressions of love that immediately follow upon the rehearsal of this Isa 43 which is brought in with a but. V. 1. But thus saith the Lord that created thee O Jacob and that formed thee O Israel Fear not Why what could such a people do but fear if once made sensible of this their rent and miserable estate But behold how the Lord comes in to support them notwithstanding all this saith he I have redeemed thee though thou be robbed spoiled and imprisoned Yet fear not I have redeemed you I have called thee by thy Name thou art mine Oh what words are these able indeed to comfort a poor soul in the saddest hour Thou art mine what I might the soul say one on whom thou hast poured out thy fury and anger not by drops but poured it out both fury and anger what am I thine what I Though I have been set on fire round about and that by thee too and been burnt yet I have been altogether insensible of it and so not laying it to heart and what am I thine O incredible love Thou art mine and what then I will proceed to give thee a further testimony of it 2. For When thou passest through the water I will be with thee yea though it be through a River it shall not overflow thee yea when thou walkest through the fire thou shalt not be burnt nor shall the flames kindle upon thee A clear demonstration of love But what is the reason of this How comes this to pass Why I am the Lord thy God thou art mine yea I am thine and not only thy God but thy Saviour and that thou mayest believe it the better I gave Aegypt for thy ransome and Ethiopia and Sheba for thee Yea thou art not only mine but thou art precious in my sight and hast been honorable and I have loved thee therefore will I give men for thee and people for thy life for no other reason but even because I loved thee One would think where so much love is manifested there could be no room for fear but the Lord who knows how apt his poor creatures are to be jealous of his love addeth yet further Fear not for I am with thee and will gather thee from all parts even every one that is called by my Name for I have created him for my glory Well may the Lord summon all the Nations of the Earth to produce such manifestations of his love as these are and give witness and testimony to it or else saith he let them believe this and say it is truth You are my witnesses saith the Lord of my dealing with you of old will they not testifie to thee the truth of this that so you may out of former experiences of me believe the truth of what I now speak for I am he what ever hath been done of old for you it is I am he that did it For before me there was no good nor after me shall there be any I am the Lord and besides me there was no Saviour our is there any that can deliver out of my hands I will work and who shall let it Yet farther to confirm their Faith the Lord boweth down and tells them 14. Thus saith the Lord your Redeemer For your sakes have I brought down the Caldeans c 15. I am the Lord your Holy One the Creator of Israel your King as if the Lord should say All that I am I am as thine for I am thy Holy One and thy King and thy God and thy Saviour and the like 16. Thus saith the Lord that maketh away in the Sea and a path in the mighty waters What wilt thou fear that hast such a King such a God such a Redeemer to be thine that can make a way in the Sea 17. Which bringeth forth the Charret and Horse c 18. Remember you not the former things nor consider that of old as if the Lord should say Have you forgotten what a mighty God I am how gloriously I appeared for you at the Red Sea making a way for you to go through and drowning of your Enemies remember you it not Must I be fain to put you in mind of my old love to beget new trust confidence vvhy then fear not but roul upon me for the time to come 19. For behold I will do a new thing now it shall spring forth I will even make a way in the wilderness Rivers in the Desart this work shall be so glorious 20. That the very Beasts of the fiâ—ld shall honor me the Dragons and the Owles because I give drink to my people my chosen 21. This people have I formed for my self they shall shew forth my praise O blessed for ever be the Lord that hath undertaken this work and put an issue to it oh Lord let it be so then Oh what glorious things are here proceeding from Gods heart but when he comes to look upon his people and their frame of spirit he findeth matter of sad lamentation which is brought in with a sad black But. 22. But thou hast not called upon me O Jacob but again thou hast been weary of me O Israel thou hast not brought me the small Cattel for Burnt-Offerings nor honoured me with thy Sacrâ—fices I have not caused thee to serve with any Offrings nor have I wearied thee with Incense 24. Thou hast brought me no sweet Corn with Money nor filled me with the fat of thy sacrifiâ—…s Then comes in another sad but But thou hast made me to serve with thy sins thou hast wearied me with thine Iniquities I even I am he that blotteth out thy Transgressions for my own Names sake and will not remember thy sins as if the Lord should say When I look upon thee I see nothing but provocations and I am weary to bear it nevertheless I will blot out thy sins though not for thine yet for my own Names sake and will not remember thy sins and that he might yet hold to all more abundant expressions of love he addeth in the next verse spake put me iâ— remembrance a blessed word
of Encouragement as if the Lord should say You shall see that my heart is in this Work that I will not only do it but I greatly desire to do it and therefore if it were possible for me to forget it yet I give you this liberty and freedom to come and put me in remembrance nay I lay it as a law of love upon you that you do thus come and minde me of it Put me in remembrance let us plead together Oh the admirable condiscention in this high God who hath so much povver as he hath before expressed that he can work and none can let it and yet will suffer his poor Worm to plead with him About the beginning of this fifth Month there were these hints given me and hopes from the Lord which I do not yet know but I may take as an answer to several Petitions put up to him As first That I had not lived answerable to that counsel the Lord was pleased to hand out to me by Mr. Cradock i.e. Not to speak evil of any one or other behind their back but I have often cryed out to others not to themselves of the pride of this body and that body and the passion of this or that person and yet behold how sadly it reigns in my self may not the Lord righteously suffer it in me and shew me the evil and folly of it beholding the Mote in anothers eye and behold a beam in my own at this time also was that brought to my hands in Jam. 1. 2 6. If any man among you seem to be reliâ—ious and bridleth not his tongue but deceiveth his own heart this mans religion is in vaine A sad word Also in the 4. 5. 6. Verses of this same Chapter 4. But let patience have her perfect work that you may be perfect and entire wanting nothing 5. If any of you lack wisdome let him ask it of God that giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not and it shall be given him 6. But let him â—sk in faith nothing wavering for hee that wavereth is lik a wave of the sea driven with the winde and tossed A gratious promise to those that lack wisdome and aske it and in the 4. ch of Iam. v. 2 3 you ask and receive not because you ask amiss that you may consume it upon your lusts And truly what do I know but that the Lord doth suffer this lust as he did the Canaanites of old to trouble the Israelites so this lust to humble me and prove me and know or make me to know what is in my heart O my soule how hast thou need then to set all the force of thy soule a gainst this bitter root of pride which for ought I know was the cause of all other evils O the wayes that the Lord hath taken to pluck up this root out of thy heart hath not all thy afflictions of inward and outward man beene directed as it were against this sin what delight else hath the Almighty to lay sickness and weakness upon thee why doth he thinkest thou permit all the mocks and jears thou daily meetest with why it was for that continued working up of thy pride notwithstanding all his dealings with thee to pul downe when thou art lifted up too much so that thou mayst thank thy own pride for all Some hints from the Lord at Mr. Thorns about the end of the 5 Month 1654 which I know not but may be an answer of former petitions May-be thou wouldest honour God in one way and condition and he would have thee to honour him in another yea may-be he would have thee honour him by living by faith rouling upon him for the subduing of thy corruptions and in the mean time will be honoured by continual strugling and fighting with them O my soule hast thou not often yea oh how often tempted the Lord sadly concerning this and the Lord grant it may be the last after many solemn resolutions and promises unto the Lord never to provoke him thus any more and yet to do it again yea might not the Lord do this even in answer to prayer thou having begged of him that morning to give and order all thy words and actions that day oh that God would at last make thee wise and so order thy spirit and subdue this rising of corruption so as thou maist never more provoke him in this kind Vpon the 6 of this 6 month 1654. The Lorddrew out my heart in the morning to seek of him that he would be pleased to bow down and appeare gloriously and gratiously to and through his servant Mr Knight who had but the day before at Fulham Chappel so exceedingly pressed us to seek the Lord for him which wrought upon my heart greatly to begg of God that he might find the fruit of the prayers of his people on his behalf As also that my poor soule and others that did appeare to meet that morning might have a gratious visit from him that none of all my unfittness to attend upon him or unfruitfullness under former appearances might hinder his gratious presence with and to my soul this day but that though there was nothing in me to move him to it yet that he would doe it for his own name and glory sake that my soul might have such a light of him as might conform me more and more to him And how graciously was the Lord pleasd to bow down this day as a God hearing prayer that first on the behalf of his servant Mr Knight that was to speak this day in his name how gloriously did hee appeare not only through his Poor worms but even in him also greatly drawing out his heart both in prayer preaching In prayer and therein begging of God in the entrance of his services his presence and mightily in a way of faith rouling upon him for an answer of prayer even at this present season The 27 of this 6 Month being the Lords day and finding my heart very dead and cold all the week and also now very unprepared to meet the Lord or expect any appearance at all from him I did yet in a few short desires present my request to him beging his mighty presence unvailing the Lord Iesus both to and through his servant to our poor souls beseeching him also that I might have a clear sight of his goodness in it and that he would please to appear a God nay and not a God a far off telling him withal that my poor soul had found him to be so notwithstanding all my unfitness and unworthiness beseeching him even now to make it appear to my soul that he is a God hearing prayer and that he would give my soul a very glorious sight of my Lord Iesus and not only discover him to me but cause these discoveries to work with mighty power upon my heart really taking it off from all other things whatsoeuer and fix it wholy upon himselfe with many other requests of this
nature But yet notwithstanding my heart was somwhat I thought affected with those desires before the Lord yet oh with what sadness I may speak it how soon were they out of mind even before I got to Tulham in so much that I quite forgot my own desires and not at all looking after any answer of them but how did the Lord raise and rouse up my dead heart even upon the nameing of the psalm that was called to be sung in the morning which was the 145. psalm which at the first nameing of my heart leaped as it were thinking what shal we sing that psalm Mr Knights text is in though for the present I mistook for his text is in the 45 psalm but this was the 145. psalm the two last staves which as soon as wee began to sing my heart was exceedingly altered with it in which I found many suteable expressions to my former desires even in the very words which did as it were raise my heart in a kind of contented expectation of a glorius appearance of God that day as a returne of prayer which methoughts the Lord did even then give to me by hinting this scripture so put to my condition and desires and how gloriously did the Lord appear the 27. of this 6. month through his servant Mr Knight in both parts of the day whom he was pleased to come in even beyond his owne expectation as he acknowledged to me in discourse the next day telling me that he did only intend to handle in general the 3 things concerning Christ as his svveetness fitness faithfulness but when he came to speak to them the Lord was pleased so greatly to inlarge the thoughts of it upon his heart and made it so svveet unto him that he could not but declare vvhat the Lord gave in unto him and truly not only vvas it svveet to him but as fit and seasonabe to my poore soul as any thing that could have been spoken the Lord give me but a heart to make improvement of it so as may be to his praise and eternal good of my poore soul The 7 day of the Month hovv abundantly vvas the Lord pleased to bovv dovvn to this rebellious wretch who hath great cause to fear that my heart was set more to seek see a poor vain creature to meet w th them then to see or meet the Lord yet that the Lord should even now bow down and give forth gratious visites to my soul through many sensible convictions hinted to my heart this day both through his word and through his other administrations this day going early enough to heare the morning sermon though I much fear whether it were so much out of pure love to it as out of self-ends yet what sensible convictions did there from the Lord fall upon my hart from these instructions M. Blond hinted out to us from the expression of David I kept my self from mine iniquity where hee shewed us that it was our great duty to watch cheifly against our own particular sinns shewing us how wee might know them hinting also that it was Probable that this sinne of David vvas tongue-sin from vvhich hovv secretly did the Lord check my poor soul aftervvards Mr Nie spake from psalm the 50. 26 this thou didst and I kept silence vvhere hee shevved that by silence vvas meant a refraining from motion or action vvhence he observed that vvords and actions are all one vvith God it vvas as easy vvith God to do as to speak it vvas but for him to speak and the vvork vvas done yea it is as easy for God to do as for us to speak and begg of him and much more and vvhat a mighty incouragement is this to thy faith O my soul vvhich vvas the improvement he made of it by application and also hinted more that as all Gods vvords are actions and so pardoning actions and administrations are as so many vvords and oh of vvhat use is this to my soul vvhat things hath God spoken to my soul from and by his various administrations to thee for these many years hovv hath the Lord by his providence often as it were convinced thee and yet thy base heart will not leave to goe on to tempt the Lord though he hath so evidently appeared in crossing thee and this day was a sign of it that thou wouldest put on thy best cloathes in that pride and vanity of thy heart thou know'st didst thou not by a strange providence as it were get a spot in thy coat to check thee and did not the Lord by it shew thee thy pride vanity and folly but Oh how gratious is the Lord that he will please to shew thee this in so mild and gentle a way The 10. of this 7 month being the Lords day I sought the Lord in the morning but in a formall way that he would please to appear to me that day through his servant as also to give in a gratious answer to these desires that Mr. Knight put up to him the last day namely to unvail the grace of our Lord Jesus to him that he might so taste and feel it as might inable him to declare it to his praise which I did now also beg of the Lord and that though I was altogether unworthy of this mercy or of any more appearance from the Lord which have made so little improvement of so many gratious favours yet that he would please to overcome my rebellion and unfruitfulness with his love and at the last over-power my soul anâ— bring it to a more full subjection to him-selfe and that which I desire now to record to the Praise of the Lord is before him and that yet the Lord was pleased most particulary to unvaile the Lord Jesus Christ in the riches of his grace the Lord help thee O my soul to improve all those wondefull appearances of his praise and glory The 13. of this 7 Month appointed by this new Parliament for a day of humiliation and seeking the Lord I sought the Lord in the morning that he would please to put my heart into some measure of suteableness to that business and to make mee really sensible of all my rebellions unfruitfulness and unthankfulness to him for all his glorious appearances and that he would poure out his spirit upon his servants that were to be his and our mouthes this day as also begging the Lord to let some hints from himselfe fall with power upon my heart this day and there abide And blessed God how gratiously wert thou pleased to appeare and with what sensible and suteable truths pressing my soul to get into Christ and dwel there then which there is no truth more needfull to be pressed upon my vvretched heart being so miserably shattered about and upon other things and my affections so sadly divided that in truth I doe not dwell in the Lord Jesus Christ as I ought which the Lord vvas pleased in great mercy to my soul to
for yea given the full worth of it into the hands of God so that justice can never say that what we receive by grace is not fully satisfied for but that we have now a right by justice to every promise in the book of God as well as by mercy oh blessed word Yea he loves righteousness because he maketh all righteous who are accepted of him by his righteousness And first 1. By forming their hearts to his likeness 2. By imputing to them his own righteousness yea he shewed that he loves righteousness by the terrible execution of his displeasure on unrighteousness now all this as it maketh Christ lovely to the Father so it must needs make him lovely to his Saints and that for these reasons 1. Because they could never look on or behold divine justice without being confounded if they did not behold it satisfied through the righteousness of Christ by which they are inabled to glory as well in the justice as in the mercy of God and plead with God as well as he is a righteous and just God as he is merciful 2. Because all that is beautiful in the Saints either in themselves or others is from this Christ therefore Christ himself must needs be lovely to them because that which often supports the Saints hearts is not so much their actings in righteousness as their love to righteousness David cryes not out oh how do I keep thy Law but oh how do I love thy Law therefore needs must Christ be lovely for his righteousness 4. Christ must needs be lovely for his loving of righteousness because through this he hath made a way for us to eternal life how doth he bring about this way of life or keep us in this path of life but by a way of righteousness Rom. 5. last It is not so much that grace reigneth as that grace reigneth now by righteousness or justice to eternal life 1. That use that was made of all this was very precious we being instructed hence to take a due view of Christ to behold him more for we are said to be changhed into his likeness while we behold him so that the reason we are no more like to Christ is because we live no more in the sight of his righteousness which would but shew us our own unrighteousness and nothing can do it more then this beholding Christs righteousness and then reflecting back upon our selves 2 The beholding Christ would make us like Christ for our assimulation to Christ comes from our being ravished much with looking on Christ the devil hath no greater designe then to keep the Saints from beholding of Christ he will let them pore upon their own lusts or any thing else rather then this 3. The sight of Christs righteousness is a ground for the strongest consolation to Saints that can be of which when the Apostle had got a sight he cries out who shall lay any thing to the charge of Gods elect seeing through Christ righteousness justice is satisfied what can sin the devil lusts corruptions or law do they cannot condemn for Christ justifieth Oh what refreshments were held out from this blessed truth of Christ his loving righteousness now if Christ doth love righteousness then he loves to do justice and to be righteous in all his administrations both of grace and punishment yea he loves fidelity in performance which is another part of righteousness oh put this to the end of every promise in Scripture that Christ loves righteousness and so loves more to performe it then thou canst desire to have it performed as Christ loves righteousness so he loves to fulfil all righteousness and that by doing and suffering though it were a hard work then it may refresh us further that all the grace you receive comes from the hand of justice how may the Saints then go boldly to the father and ask no more then what Christ have already paide for so that the Saints living on the promise is no beggerly business for there is not one of them but is throughly payd for by Jesus Christ and so may be pleaded for not only upon that account of mercy and grace but even of justice and righteousness O that God would cause all these blessed truths to have an abiding power upon my soul The 6. of this 10. month over night I sought the Lord that he would please to provide some seasonable word for my soul as also begging his gracious appearance through his servant that was to speak with much to this purpose and O my soul how graciously was the Lord pleased to appear to thee this day the scripture he spake from by our dear pastor was the 2 Corin. 1. 12. whence he shewed us what a ground of joy is the Testimony of a good conscience when it witnesseth in sincerity whence he shewed us that the work of conscience is to witness to every action of a man both religious and civil and not only doth it bear witness of every act but of the measure and of the manner of heart-workings in the act and so witnesseth either the righteousness and sincerity of it or the sinfulness of it yea and the spring of all our sinfulness our rejoycing saith the Apostle is not that we preach pray or the like but that our conscience witnesseth that what ever we do though never so weakly imperfectly yet it s done in Godly simplicity i. e. with a single intention aiming purely at the glory of God that there is no double dealing not a heart for God and for our selves too yea we were shewen that conscience was not only a witness but a judge therefore where it findeth the act good but the principle naught it tells that man if he hearkens to it that all is naught and that God will not be served with leaves but with fruit and thus it passeth sentence and judgement from which how secretly did the Lord check my soule then he shewed us that conscience had a strong memory though we forget yet conscience will remember not only acts but circumstances which O my soul mayest thou not clearly testifie the truth hereof by experience yea it was hinted to us that conscience was a just and right witness all the devils in hell and men on earth cannot make it speak other then truth the devil may and doth abuse conscience by imitating it and so suggesting this or that to a soul as if it came from conscience when it coms immediatly from hell even Saints themselves may pass wrong judgement upon their brethren as Jobs friends did but conscience is a better witness then Saints themselves and it was so to Job yea conscienc was held out to be a convincing witness where it doth witness against sin it witnesseth convincingly causing them to groan under it yea it was held out to be a bold witness that will not be daunted any way and must needs be so because God himself imboldens it to speak plainly as that thou art an
and passeth judgement upon him and them Dying thou shalt dye temporally spiritually and eternally and there shall be enmity between thy seed and the womans that most of thy seed shall take in with Satan and perish eternally How many millions perish upon the account of that one sin So the Angels they fell presently and irrecoverably for that one sin of pride though such glorious creatures who could do more then thousands of men and might have been so useful to the Church being spiritual had they stood who could immediately comfort when no other creatures could yea could have fed Eli ahs and Daniels yet these for that sin perished eternally 2. It appears by the way he taketh to repel it sin having gotten the Throne and poor man brought into a perishing condition by it and not able to oppose it now Christ hates it so that the contest now comes between Christ and sin and he will dye to destroy it 3. It appears by the dreadfulness of the doom of those that are over-powered by sin who are judged to eternal fite without pitty or recovery Then he came to shew us how lovely Christ is to the Saints for hating iniquitie And O my soul with what mighty power and weight did this fall upon thy heart As 1. He shewed us That Christs loveliness in this attribute arose from the unanimity and one-ness of mind between Christ and a believer in this hatred of his for as Christ hateth the sin but loveth the believer so the believer hateth iniquitie but loveth Christ so that the love of both persons center in one and their hatred in one and their love meeteth in each others person and their hatred also and that Believers hate sin so that nothing can breed more love then this doth Christ saith I hate Iniquity oh therefore hate it more ye believers yea pursue the life of it and I appeal to the Lord if I do not hate it with a perfect hatred 2. Christ is lovelie for hating sin because this attribute setteth all his attributes on work against all the Enemies of a Believer the poor soul hateth sin but is not able to deal with it but Christ so hateth it that he is able to conquer it Oh what a blessed sight of Christ is this that though the poor soul be over-powered with sin daylie yet that Christ hateth it and is engaed aginst it as hating of him So that now either Chriist or it must perish Oh what a lovely sight is this because out of this hatred of Christ comes the ruine of the souls Enemies Sin and Satan which seek thy ruine daylie But blessed be God that Christ hateth them and will certainly ruine them either he or sin must cown Oh what comfort is this that we poor creatures have in Christ that when we come even to struggle with sin and Satan Christ like fire will consume and burn them yea as he shewed this hatred was an act of Christs will and if he hath not his Will where is his God-head Therefore the quarrel is between the Will of Christ and the Will of sin I will damn thee to Hell saith sin and Satan But I will kill thee O sin and Satan saith Christ so as the quarrel is not so much for Believers persons as for Christs Wil and Christ will certainly have his wil oh blessed word to my soul 3. Christ is lovely in this because the Saints see the glory of all Christs other excellencies through this the wicked see and fall at the dread of Christs hatred but see not the justness and righteousness of all Christs administrations as the Saints do they can see the justness and righteousness of Christ in damning of men to Hell for sin yea the Saints can behold Christs love to them in this hatred of sin This 10th of this Moneth being the same Lords day in the Evening while I was endeavouring to bless and praise the Name of this my glorious God for his eminent appearances this day which I desire never to forget it fell upon my heart amongst other things to tell the Lord That seeing he had cast such a hint upon my heart that the best thankfulness for mercy received is to gather in upon God for more mercy I did therefore desire That to all his abundant appearances to my soul this day he would please to adde this mercy which I desired to plead with him for this Evening That as he had gloriously unvailed through his Word the hatred of my Lord Jesus Christ against sin that he would now also shew its evil by experience that it might appear that really he doth hate sin yea every sin in my soul by his pursuing the life and drawing out the blood of it telling him withal That if any sin were the object of the hatred of my soul then needs must this corruption of mine in a special manner being so diametrically opposite to him as the setting up of any thing or creature in his Throne yea even at this present wherein he hath so gloriously appeared that the consolations of God were not small to my soul they coming with such mighty power praying him in a special manner to pursue the body of this corruption and let my soul find that really it is the object of the hatred of Jesus Christ and shall certainly be ruined by him Having got a great cold which did somewhat distemper me I was in a great question whether I should the twentieth of this tenth month go to the Ordinance or no at last I desired to give it up to the Lord bseeching him to direct me what to do desiring only to be led by him At last I resolved God willing to wait upon him this day at Fulham and as for the next day let the Lord do with me what he will whether to fit me to go or disable me having many fears upon my spirit concerning my going whether it were a right and pure aiming at God and seeking his presence yea or no being not able to satisfie my self in this question Thus I say desiring the Lords appearances to my soul and speaking some words to him for my spiritual advantage I went this day to Fulham where the Lord shewed me what a blessed thing it was to have a sight of God from those words in Matt. 13. Blessed are the eyes that see the things you see and the ears that hear the things you hear whence the Lord shewed me what an abundant cause I had to bless him for them those many sights he had given me of himself when he had left so many in the dark and never given them one glimpse of himself But being exceeding ill and weary this night I went to bed betimes waiting what the Lord would do with me and truly in the Morning I thought I found my self unfit to go forth considering also our meeting the next day which haply the Lord might make me more fit to enjoy yet I must needs say I really think the trouble that lay upon my spirit about the straightness of my ends in going did more discourage me then the unfitness of my body but what through the one and the other I durst not go forth this 21. day and so my Mother and Aunt Dogget onely went and I stayed at home but when I arose I found my self pretty well so as I begun to be somewhat troubled that I had stayed at home fearing that this may be only a subtile device of Satan to hinder me of this opportunity and so turning my self to the Lord I besought him that if it were he that had this day prevented me that he would please to make it up to my soul some other way by hinting out something by his Spirit to my heart that might be for my spiritual advantage and truly whiles I was endeavouring to press this upon the Lord immediately after there fell this apprehension upon my heart or rather the Lord was pleased to to drop it which was this Oh Lord how comes it to pass that my soul being so exceedingly taken with any spark of thy gloous Image in poor mortal creatures should at the present rebel and murmure at thy holy and blessed will which is part of thy essential glory if the sight of thy image be so pleasing to me why then is not the sight of thy will which is thy self much more glorious then the Rayes of thine that shine upon thy creatures why is not this as pleasing as delightful and contentful to me which hint I could not but look upon as a real answer of this desire the Lord make it of use to me I am sure it was such a confideration and meditation that if the Lord will but please to set it home with power may be of abundant advantage to my wicked spirit The Lord in mercy for Christs sake make it so The 22. of this tenth month being a day appointed for our Church-Meeting I earnestly besought the Lord That if he saw it meet to carry me forth this day he would also go along with me and vouchsafe his gracious presence to me in speaking some seasonable word to my poor soul that might appear even to come from himself begging also his presence in and through all these his instruments which he should please to make use of this day And O my soul how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear this day in chearing and refreshing thy poor drooping spirit even so as thou wert not able to continue thy selfe in this wonderful appearance of God casting them upon so suteable a word even to the estate of my poor soul at this present and that Scripture our brother Oâ—… began with and was after pursued sweetly by our dear pastor was the 73 â—sa The End of the Third Book FINIS
any time been spoken to me in way of comfort by Mr. Love who onely was acquainted with my fears it tooke no hold upon me at all nor abode upon my spirit save only in the minute it was spoken for the truth is I was then too remisse in taking notice or observing the passages of Gods providence towards me not being able then to beleeve that it was indeed a work of God upon my soul which since through grace he hath been pleased more evidently to declare Then coming from thence to London much about the year 1645. being now a little instructed in the notional knowledg of many points in religion I had now a new temptation besetting me in this manner that if I would but walk more closely with the Lord and make more conscience of all known duties whether hearing prayer meditation examination c. That then I might more comfortably look up unto the Lord and also find in my self divers qualifications annexed to several promises which might much comfort me which work I began to set about indeavouring to tye my self strictly to it and according as I was able desiring the Lords assistance and withall making him many promises that if he would make out love to me I would be and do thus and thus But upon trial finding my self to fail in every thing sometimes through temptation to neglect or put off duties for a time which was occasion'd many wayes sometimes being in company I could not well leave or the like all which weighing in my mind did stil augment and increase my trouble finding this strict course though yet I could not keep close to to be a burthen to me with many such wicked thoughts whereby I came to apprehend my self as it were still farther and farther from heaven and happiness in all which time I could find little ground of any comfort unless taken from my desires which I could not apprehend constant neither But indeavouring still to go on in this poor way of performances I had some smal comfort finding as I thought some qualifications in my soul which were annexed unto divers promises where-upon I was somewhat at the present stayed and began to gather up some tottering hopes of the goodness of my condition from Mat. 11. 28. and such like Scriptures Then living near unto Mr. Love and the Presbyterian government being then about to be set up I had much strife in my self whether to joyn with them in it or no and so to partake of the ordinances whereby I might come to have my interest in the Lord Jesus Christ sealed up unto me being exceeding fearfull lest if I should slight or put off such an opportunity it might be laid to my charge another day that I had it offered me but would not accept of it so that at last I resolved to joyn with them and partake of the ordinance that so I might come to have my graces strengthened and my corruptions weakened and also come to enjoy more communion with Jesus Christ which I had some weak distracted though no abiding hopes of Thus having been before the elders there examined somewhat touching my knowledg c. and the time of administration of the Lords-supper drawing nigh I indeavoured for some dayes before in a serious and solemn manner to set my self in the Lords presence beseeching him to fit me for it together with the examination of my own heart both touching my duties and graces as also touching my sins and wants which I desired a supply of still begging of the Lord in all this time of my trouble that he would not give me over to a deceived heart what ever he did with me so as to think better of my condition than indeed it was but that he would please thoroughly to discover my condition and heart to me and thus with some smal hopes yet mixed with a great deal of fear I did that time partake of the ordinance the which I had no sooner almost done but Sathan begins to suggest to me that I had now eaten and drank my own damnation in receiving that whereto I had no right through so many fears and doubtings in my own spirit and that therefore now in stead of receiving strength I should be everyday more and more hardened and have my damnation sealed up to me instead of my salvation But pausing here a while and considering that I had indeavoured to do my duty according to my knowledg and power in examining my own heart what my ends aimes desires and wants were and according to my ability desired the Lord to make it a strengthening and sealing ordinance to me indeavouring to satisfie my self with these and such like thoughts that my desire was to serve and walk with the Lord though I could not do it thus I continued between hope and fear about a moneth space intending not to partake of the ordinance the next time fearing my self not to be fit for it finding my heart as I thought in a very unfitting frame but manifesting this intent to some friends they put me upon these thoughts that the way to be fit for duties or ordinances is not to neglect them as also relling me that if I were unfit for that ordinance I was as well unfit to live and therefore that was no just plea thus being troubled yet fearing to omit it I again partook of it where the Lord was pleased through the ministery of his word that day to hint out to me that amongst others there were two sorts of men that might safely and comfortably partake of that ordinance as 1. All those that had longing desires after the Lord Jesus Christ 2. All doubting fearing Christians that come with doubts fears to it it being ordained of God to be a strengthening sealing ordinance c. which though it afforded me some smal refreshment for the present yet did it not abide but my trouble still continuing yea increasing being thereby unfit for any earthly imployment and yet weary of duties reading and writing c. In which I spent my chief time Yet thus going on in a road of duties and performances sometimes finding some affection and assistance and sometimes not which when I did find in any measure Oh! how was my wretched heart ready to be puffed up and rejoyce in it and began to think that now I had done somewhat and that surely now the Lord would hear me but beginning to consider more seriously what I had done indeed and how many wandering thoughts and distractions had passed by me and that any wicked wretch in the world might do and did do as much as I and yet the Lord never regarded them I began to be exceedingly troubled that such wicked thoughts should arise in my heart imagining that it was just with the Lord for these wicked thoughts to blast all my desires which I really conceived he did Then considering that the prayers and all the duties of the wicked are abomination and things