therefore the grievousnesse of thy sin if anie such be amaze thee You say right replyed he the divell hath possest mee and God hath left me to his power for I finde I can neither beleeve the Gospel nor trust in Gods mercie I have sinned against the holy Ghost and God by his immutable Decree hath bound mee over to perpetuall punishment without anie hope of pardon It is true that the greatnesse of sin or the multitude of them cannot bind Gods mercie all those manie sins that in the former part of my life I have committed then did not so much trouble mee for I trusted that God would not lay them to my charge but now having sinned against the holy Ghost God hath taken away from me all power of repentance now brings all my sins to remembrance and thus guiltie of one guiltie of all And therefore it is no matter whether my sinnes be great or small few or many they are such as Christ's bloud nor Gods mercie belongs to mee God will have mercie on whom hee will have mercie and whom he will he hardneth this is it that gnaws my heart hee hath hardned mee and I finde that he daily more and more doth harden mee and therefore I am out of hope I feele it and therefore cannot but despaire I tell you there was never such a monster as I am never was man alive a spectacle of so exceeding misery I knew that justification is to be expected by Christ and I denied and abjured it to the end I might keepe this fraile life from adversitie and my children from povertie and now behold how bitter this life is to mee and God only knowes what shall become of this my family but surely no good is likely to betide it but rather daily worse and worse and such a ruin at the length as that one stone shall not be left on another But why should you said Gribauldus conceit so deepely of your sinne seeing you cannot but know that manie have denied Christ yet never fell into despaire Well said hee I can see no ground of comfort for such neither can I warrant them from Gods revēging hand in wrath though it pleaseth God yet to suffer such to bee in peace and besides there will a time of change come and then they shall be throughly tryed and if it were not so yet God is just in making mee an Example to others and I cannot justly complain there is no punishment so great but I have deserved it for this so heinous offence I assure you it is no small matter to denie Christ and yet it is more ordinary then commonly men doe conceive of it is not a deniall made before a Magistrate as it is with mee for as often as a Christian doth dissemble the knowne truth as often as hee approves of false worship by presenting himselfe at it so often as hee doth not things worthy of his calling or such things as are unworthy of his calling so often hee denies Christ thus did I and therefore am justly punished for it Your estate quoth Gribauldus is not so strange as you make it Iob was so farre gone that hee complained God had set him as a marke against him and David that was a man after Gods owne heart complained often that God had forsaken him and was become his enemy yet both received comfort againe comfort your selfe therefore God will come at length though hee now seeme farre off O Brother answered Spira I beleeve all this the divels beleeve and tremble but David was ever elected and dearely beloved of God and though he fell yet God tooke not utterly away his holy Spirit and therefore was heard when he prayed Lord take not thy holy Spirit from mee but I am in another case being ever accursed from the presence of God neither can I pray as he did because his holy Spirit is quite gone and cannot be recalled therefore I know I shall live in continuall hardnesse so long as I live O that I might feele but the least sense of the love of God to mee though but for one small moment as I now feele his heavie wrath that burnes like the torments of hell within mee and afflicts my Conscience with pangs unutterable verily desperation is hell it selfe Heere Gribauldus said I doe verily beleeve Spira that God having so severely chastised you in this life correcteth you in mercie heere that he may spare you hereafter and that he hath mercies sealed up for you in time to to come Nay said Spira hence doe I know that I am a reprobate because he afflicteth mee with hardnesse of heart Oh that my body had suffered all my life long so that hee would bee pleased to release my soule and ease my Conscience this burthened Conscience Gribauldus being desirous to ease his minde from the continuall meditation of his sinne as also to sound how for the present he stood affected to the Romish Church asked him what hee thought became of the soules of men so soone as they departed out of the bodie to which hee answered Although this bee not so fully revealed in Scripture yet I verily beleeve that the soules of the Elect goe presently to the Kingdome of glory and not that sleep with the bodie as some doe imagine Verie well said one of the spectators why doe the Scriptures then say that God brings downe to hell and raiseth up seeing it cannot be meant of the estate of the soule after death which as thou sayest either goeth to heaven without change or to hell without redemption it must be understood of the estate of the soule in this life like that wherein thou art at this present and oftentimes wee see that God suffers men to fall into the jawes of despaire and yet raiseth them up again and therefore despaire not but hope it shall bee even thus with thee in his good time This is the worke quoth Spira this the labour for I tell you when I at Venice did first abjure my profession and so as it were drew an Indenture the Spirit of God often admonisht mee and when at Cittadella I did as it were set to my seale the Spirit of God often suggested to mee Doe not write Spira do not seale yet I resisted the Holy Ghost and did both and at that very present I did evidently feele a wound inflicted in my very will so although I can say I would beleeve yet can I not say I will beleeve God hath denied mee the power of will and it befalls mee in this my miserable estate as with one that is fast in irons and his friends comming to see him doe pitie his estate and doe perswade him to shake off his setters and to come out of his bonds which God knows hee would faine doe but cannot this is my very case you perswade me to beleeve how faine would I doe it but cannot O now I cannot Then violently grasping his hands together and raising
gift of God O that hee would give it mee but it is as impossible as to drinke up the Sea at a draught as for that of Solomon if hee had ever tried that which I feele by woefull experience hee would never have spoken as he did but the truth is never had mortall man such an evident experience of Gods anger and hatred against him as I have you that are in a good estate thinke repentance and faith to be workes of great facilitie and therefore you thinke it an easie matter to perswade a man to beleeve the whole need not the Physician and hee that is well can soone give counsell to such as are ill but this is the hell to mee my heart is hardned I cannot beleeve many are called but few are chosen Vpon what grounds said they doe you conceive so ill an opinion of your selfe I once did know God to bee my Father not onely by creation but by regeneration I knew him by his beloved Sonne the authour and finisher of our Salvation I could pray to him and hope for pardon of sinnes from him I had a taste of his sweetnesse peace and comfort now contrarily I know God not as a Father but as an enemy what more my heart hates God and seekes to get above him I have nothing else to flie to but terrour despaire Belike you thinke then said they that those who have the earnest and first fruits of Gods Spirit may notwithstanding fall away The judgements of God are a deepe abisse said he wee are soone drowned if we enter into them he that thinks he standeth let him take heed lest hee fall as for my selfe I know I am falne backe and that I once did know the truth though it may be not so throughly I know not what else to say but that I am one of that number which God hath threatned to teare in pieces Say not so answered they for God may come though at the last houre keepe hold therefore at the least by hope This quoth he is my case I tell you I cannot God hath deprived mee of hope this brings terror to my minde and pines this hodie which now is so weake as it cannot performe the severall offices thereof for as the Elect have the Spirit testifying that they are the sonnes of God so the Reprobates even while they live do often feele a worme in their conscience whereby they are condemned already and therefore as soone as I perceived this wound inflicted on my minde and will I I knew that I wanted the gifts of saving grace and that I was utterly undone God chasteneth his children with temporarie afflictions that they may come as gold out of the fire but pupunisheth the wicked with blindnesse in their understandings hardnesse of heart and woe be to such from whom God takes his holie Spirit Here one rebuked him and told him he gave too much credit to sence that hee was not to beleeve himselfe but rather him that was in a good estate and I testifie to you said he that God will be mercifull to you Nay answered he for because I am in this ill estate therfore can I beleeve nothing but what is contrarie to my salvation and comfort but you that are so confident of your good state looke that it bee true for it is no such small matter to be assured of sinceritie a man had need bee exceeding stronglie grounded in the Truth before hee can bee able to affirme such a matter as you now doe it is not the performance of a few outward duties but a mightie constant labour with all intention of heart and affection with full desire and endeavour continually to set forth Gods glorie there must bee neither feare of Legates Inquisitors Prisons nor anie death whatsoever manie thinke themselves happie that are not it is not every one that saith Lord Lord that shall goe to heaven They came another day and found him with his eyes shut as if hee had beene drowzie and verie loath to discourse at which time there came in also a grave man from Cittadella who demanded of Spira if hee knew him or not he lifting up his eye-lids and not suddenly remembring him the man said to him I am Presbiter Antonie Fontanina I was with you at Venice some 8. weeks since O cursed day sayd Spira O cursed day O that I had never gone thither would God I had then died Afterwards came in a Priest called Bernardinus Sardoneus bringing with him a booke of Exorcismes to conjure this divell whom when Spira saw shaking his head he said I am verily perswaded indeed that God hath left mee to the power of the divells but such they are as are not to be found in your Letanie neither will they be cast out by spels The Priest proceeding in his intended purpose with a strange uncouth gesture and a loud voice adjured the Spirit to come into Spira's tongue and to answer Spira deriding his fruitlesse labour with a sigh turned from him A Bishop being there present said to Spira brother God hath put vertue into the Word and Sacraments and wee have used the one means and find not that effect which we desire shall we trie the efficacie of the Sacraments surely if you take it as a true Christian ought to receive the body and bloud of Christ it will proove a soveraigne medicine for your sicke soule This I cannot do answered hee for they that have no right to the promises have no right to the seales the Eucharist was appointed onely for beleevers if wee have not faith we eate and drinke judgement to our selves I received it about a moneth since but I did not well in so doing for I tooke it by constraint and so I tooke it to my deeper condemnation Here Vergerius began to importune him earnestly to beware that he did not wilfully resist grace put himself out of haven charging him vehemently by all the love that was betweene them by the love which hee bare to his children yea to his owne soule that he would set himselfe seriously to returne to that faith and hope which once hee had in the death of Christ with many such like words Spira having heard much of the like matter formerlie being somewhat moved said You do but repeat Vergerius what should I hope why should I beleeve God hath taken faith from mee shew mee then whither I shall goe shew mee a haven whereto I shall retire you tell mee of Gods mercy when as God hath cast mee off you tell mee of Christs intercession I have denied him you command mee to beleeve I say I cannot you bring mee no comfort your command is as impossible for me to obey as to keep the Morall Law if you should perswade one to love God with all his heart soule and strength and God gives him not the power can he performe your desire doth not the church teach us to sing direct us O
somewhat for him Remember man that the sufferings of this present life are not comparable to the glorie that shall bee revealed if thou sufferest with him thou shalt also raigne with him thou canst not answer for what thou hast alreadie done neverthelesse the gate of mercie is not quite shut take heed that thou heapest not sinne upon sinne lest thou repent when it will be too late Now was Spira in a wildernesse of doubts not knowing which way to turne him nor what to doe yet being arrived in his owne Countrey and amongst his friends with shame enough hee relates what he had done and what he had further promised to doe and how the terrors of God on the one side and the terrour of this world on the other side did continually racke him and therefore hee desired of them advise in this so doubtfull a case his friends upon small deliberation answered that it was requisite hee should take heed that hee did not in any wise betray his wife and children and all his friends into danger seeing that by so smal a matter as the reciting of a little Schedule which might bee done in lesse space then half an houre he might both free himselfe from present danger and preserve many that depended upon him adding moreover that hee could get no Credit in relenting from that which he had already in greatest part performed before the Legate at Venice and that in the perfect accomplishing thereof little or no discredit could arise more then what by the former action already he had sustained on the other side if hee did not performe his promise made to the Legate hee could neither discharge himselfe of the shame which he had already incurred nor avoyd farre more heavy and insupportable injuries then probably he should have endured if hee had persisted obstinately in his former Opinions This was the last blow of the battaile and Spira utterly overcome goes to the Praetor and proffers to performe his foresaid promise made to the Legate who in the meane time had taken order to have all things ready and had sent the instrument of abjuration signed by Spira to the Praetor by the hands of a certaine Priest All that night the miserable man ware out with restlesse cares without any minute of rest the next morning being come he gets up and being ready he desperately enters into the publique Congregation where Masse being finished in the presence of friends and enemies and of the whole Assembly being by estimation neere two thousand people yea and of Heaven it selfe he recites that infamous abjuration word for word as it was written it being done he was fined at thirtie pieces of gold which he presently paid five whereof were given to the Priest that brought the abjuration the other twentie five were imployed towards the making of a Shryne to put the Eucharist in then was he sent home restored to his Dignities goods wife and children No sooner was hee departed but he thought hee heard a direfull voyce saying to him thou wicked wretch thou haste denyed mee thou hast renounced the covenant of thy obedience thou hast broken thy vow hence Apostate beare with thee the sentence of thy eternall damnation hee trembling and quaking in body and mind fell down in a swoune reliefe was at hand for the body but from that time forwards he never found any 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 minde but 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in uncessant torment 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 professed that he was captived under the revenging hand of the great God that hee heard continually that fearefull sentence of Christ that just Iudge that hee knew he was utterly undone that he could neither hope for grace nor Christs intercessiō w th God the Father in his behalfe thus was his fault ever heavy on his heart and ever his Iudgement before his eyes Now began his friends some of them to repent too late of their rash counsell others not looking so high as the Iudgement of God laid all the blame upon his Melancholicke constitution that overshadowing his judgment wrought in him a kinde of madnesse every on censured as his fancy led him yet for remedy all agreed in this to use both the wholesome helpe of Physicians and the pious advise of Divines and therefore thought it meet to convey him to Padua an Vniversitie of note where plenty of all manner of meanes was to be had this they accordingly did both with his wife children and whole family others also of his friends accompanying him and being arrived at the house of one Iames Ardin in Saint Leonards Parish they sent for three Physicians of most note who upon due observation of the effects of other Symptomes of his disease and some private conference one with another among themselves returned their verdict in this manner viz. That they could not discerne that his body was afflicted with any danger or distemper originally from it selfe by reason of the over-ruling of any humour but that this Maladie of his did arise from some griefe or passion of his minde which being overburthened did so oppresse the spirits as they wanting free passage stirred up many ill humours whereof the body of man is full these ascending up into the braine troubled the fancie shadowed the seat of the judgment and so corrupted it this was the state of his disease and that outward part that was visible to the eye of nature this they endeavoured to reforme by purgation either to consume or at least to divert the course of those humors from the braine but all their skil effected nothing which Spira noting said Alas poore men how farre wide are you doe you thinke that this disease is to be cured by potions beleeve mee there must bee another manner of medicine it is neither potions plaisters nor drugs that can helpe a fainting soule cast downe with sense of sinne and the wrath of God it is onely Christ that must bee the Physician and the Gospel the sole Antidote The Physicians easily beleeved him after they had understood the whol truth of the matter and therfore they wished him to seeke some spirituall comfort By this time the fame of this man was spred over all Padua and the neighbour Countrey partly for that he was a man of Esteeme partly because as the disease so the occasion was especially remarkeable for this vvas not done in a corner so as daily there came multitudes of all sorts to see him some out of curiositie onely to see and discourse some out of a pious desire to try all meanes that might reduce him to comfort againe or at least to benefit themselves by such a spectacle of misery and of the justice of God Amongst these Paulus Vergerius Bishop of Iustinopolis and Mattheus Gribauldus deserve especially to bee named as the most principall labourers for this mans comfort They finde him now about fiftie years of age neither affected with the dotage of old age nor with the unconstant headstrong passion of youth but in