believe that as justification and sanctification are inseparable 2 Thes 2. 13. and that as one end of Christs death was as well to redeem his people from all iniquity and the power of sin as from the punishment of sin so the power of grace was more strong and able to keep me from sin than all the legal bands and slavish fears in the world Tit. 2. 11. and though possibly I might meet with some temptations of that nature yet to the praise of his grace I can truly say I never found my heart more engaged for God and godliness and more disingaged from sin than now which the Lord keep me so and all his Amen Some brief Observations from this third note of Experience FIrst concerning my confidence in my former condition before I knew these things from thence I observe That persons may be very confident on false grounds And that it is not the confidence that makes the condition good but the grounds of it For though still I say I am inclined to own the work of conversion to be begun in me at that time before said by some accidental or providential scatterings of the seed of the Gospel yet through false teaching those seeds were so buried under the ashes of legal righteousness that there was a greater power required to blow off those ashes and to carry on that work than if it had never been begun according to that forementioned place Matth. 21. 31. how hard then must it needs be to begin that work where there is only such a righteousness from thence I observe That Legal righteousnesse where the work of conversion is begun in a soul is a great obstruction to the carrying on and perfecting of that work Secondly Concerning the manner of the dealings of God with me in the manifestation of his Love and Grace which was at this time by reading as indeed however God is pleased to deal with others yet with me I cannot say but what I have received I have alwaies received by and through some means from whence J observe That it is good to wait on God in the use of all means for though the holy One of Israel is not limitted yet ordinarily he works by means and leaves no ground in holy Scripture to expect him out of means Thirdly Concerning my idolizing those fore-mentioned Ministers being kept by it from reading or hearing any other doctrine but theirs from thence I observe That it is a dangerous thing to esteem of persons above what is meet and to be implicitly lead by them in spiritual things Fourthly Concerning my not receiving the doctrine of Free Grace for fear of carnal liberty from thence I observe That such as are ignorant of the Free Grace of God are subject to this mistake to think it the way to sin when indeed there is no true holiness without it Fiftly concerning its being so hard to me to lay down my own righteousness c. and yet that I should do it with so much Joy when I saw cleerly the righteousness of Christ to excell all from thence I observe That though it is a very hard thing for persons eminent in legal righteousness to lay it down and submit to the righteousness of God by faith yet the appearance of the transcendent excellency of Christs righteousness will make them do it with joy Sixthly Concerning my being so much affected with the Free Grace of God at my first receiving it that I could not but declare it to others from thence I observe That the glad tidings of the Gospel being applyed by the Spirit of Christ so glads the heart that when the soul first receives it its like fire that cannot be hid Seventhly Concerning the effect of the Free Grace of God upon my heart engaging me more to himself and disingaging me more from sin from thence I observe That there is no engagement so strong to keep the soul from sinning against God as the Free Grace of God nor nothing more endeers the heart to God Yet doubtless where there is nothing but only the notion of it there is the greatest advantage to Satan that can be and usually such persons are the worst of all others For though Gospel bonds be the best to be tyed from sin by yet in many respects its better to be tyed by Legal bonds than none at all yet for Saints to be so tyed is not only carnal and below their privilege but a great dishonour to Christ and an undervaluing of the Free Grace of God which above all things ought to be exalted by us as that alone by which we are truly exalted and therefore ought to ly as the strongest engagements on Saints hearts to keep them from sin and seeing all that we are have or ever shall have as to happiness here or glory hereafter is all of Grace I desire for ever to admire it and to live in the glory of it by faith But this I find of all other the hardest Lesson yea so hard that unto this day I have cause to complain of an unbelieving heart in many things and I have often experienced that to bring over the heart to believe and to keep it up in believing is no less than the mighty power and gift of God John 6. 65. Phil 1. 29. Ephesi 1. 19. yet in this I have strong consolation that I am kept by his power 1 Peter 1. 5. and he hath said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee Hebrews 13. 5. and as the Lord once said to Peter Though Satan should desire to winow me like Wheat yet he hath prayed for me and my Faith shall not fail and though the very reason why some persons do not believe is for want of a clear understanding of the Free Grace of God in the general tenders of it to sinners yet all that have that understanding do not believe John 12. 17. there were some whose hearts were hardned that they could not believe and Acts 13. 41. it was said of the Jews they should in no waies believe the Work of God though a man declare it to them that is to say though they did understand it and as Faith is wrought in the soul by God so it is that by which we most honour him and without which it is impossible to please him Faith works many waies and it is an excellent thing to be strong in faith as we may see in those Worthies Hebrews 11. It is the very life of Saints Galatians 2. 20. and without it there is no life in them John 6. 53. and as there is no life without it so there is no life above it till grace be swallowed up in glory For the just shall live by faith Hebrews the 10. verse 38. but though faith acts many waies and about many things yet it must alwaies act in free grace and there is no room for it elsewhere for when we go to exercise faith out of Free Grace it is weak and feeble and ready to
in grace which the Lord grant unto all his for his mercies sake Amen JOHN TURNER To the Christian Reader I Cannot but take it as a mercy from the Lord that I have such an opportunity to give my testimony unto so worthy a work as this is which indeed is a work that is not common amongst men being the work of a Daughter of Zion nay I may say a Mother in Israel as it is said Many Daughters have done vertuously but She excelleth them all therefore let Her own works praise Her in the Gates of Zion who hath opened to the view of all not only the counsel of mans heart which is as the deep waters with the deceits therof in which it may miscarry through the wisdom of the flesh and the wiles of Satan but also the wonderful wisdom of God in the powerful operation of his Spirit in the clear footsteps of his Grace by a large and well grounded experience in the Lords bringing of a poor soul out of darkness into light but in more particular thus How far a soul may be wrought upon before it comes to Christ with the lets and hinderances that keep it off from the truth Secondly of the true work of Grace in the heart and how this differs from the former Thirdly the souls closing with Christ and the sweet enjoyments of the same And lastly the full establishment in the free Grace of God and the manner how God effected this with the several effects of all the aforesaid degrees of Grace with so much variety of spiritual soul-edifying matter and all so full of life and delight to a gracious experienced heart that as to my remembrance I have not heard of the like together with a large discovery of the most devilish and strong delusions of our times and the depth and danger of them with the great Soul-losses of such as are taken with them and also the nature and tendency of them and Gods rich mercy in his recovering of his own out of them and how by his wisdome he makes the same work for their good So that good Reader if thou wouldst see the very inside of a gracious soul with the largest experience of the riches of Gods great dispensations of grace here it is clearly presented in this smal ensuing Treatise being so seasonable for the time we live in and so useful for all sorts of persons wherein error and hereticks are discovered the godly most sweetly edified and the way of truth laid open for such as desire it and many precious principles of truth soundly asserted All which with much more considered did not only affect my soul but caused me with others to press on the author hereof to publish the same for the good of Saints and a glorious example for all Christians to follow in a serious observing the passages of Gods providence and grace that they may be rich in experience of his free mercies and goodnes towards them as that by which God holds our souls in life and forms his image in us with deep ingagements of love and zeal for his glory into whose bosome I commit the godly Reader and this good work unto his blessing upon thy heart and remain the unworthiest of all Saints John Spilsbery To the Reader READER THis smal Volume is the fruit of private Meditations relating to the inward man which many neglecting have been like painted Sepulchers It is a known Maxim That the serious minded Christian is the most thriving especially when the judgement ordereth the affection Many persons are so drowned in confused and immethodical thoughts that all their intentions are like an untimely birth or the grass on the house top This Author hath obtained favour of the Lord not onely to be esteemed a Daughter of Sion but also one that excelleth in grace and to be counted a Mother in the true Israel of which we have not many I speak not this by hearsay onely though her works praise her in the gates but having had for some years more than ordinary experience of her clear conceptions and sound judgement being more naturally given to the exercise of godliness with sobriety than others hath stirred me up to testify some of her spiritual worth which hath been very advantagious to many but especially to me It was the great sorrow of the Jewish woman to be barren being thereby deprived of bringing forth Christ in his humane nature and it is greater sorrow to ingenious Christians to be barren in spirituals This precious soul hath conceived and brought forth spiritual fruit to the view of good and bad the matter containeth a gradual narration of the Lords various dealings with her many years both in and after Conversion which speaketh forth much observance of Gods daily footsteps in the soul the like have not commonly been seen few have given-themselves to be intent in discovering the beauty of Christ in the inward man If this may be instrumental to bring forth the additional experiences of other Saints it will be a good president especially in this age in which Saints time hath been occasionally taken up more in building the walls of the true Sion than in discovering the treasures of Grace and inward Glory of Christ in the soul These inward Experiences are not intended to limit others but to provoke self-examination and spiritual quickning They are orderly laid down though with brevity a word to the wise is enough Here is the danger of sin discovered the excellent safety of a soul in Christ declared the duties of privileged Christians manifested and some cautions laid down to take heed of a light and unsound Generation of men whose deceits have been largely experienced Be watchfull lest you fall where others have stumbled and are through Grace recovered and much established Read with diligence consider with patience thy encouragements are many that which is tendred being the fruit of the Spirit of grace doth invite and animate thee to conclude thy labor shall not be in vain in the Lord to whom I commend thee in this and all thy spiritual labours and remain Dated at London the 7th day of the 7th Moneth 1653. Thy affectionatâ— and welwishing friend JOHN GARDNER A word from the Author to the READER THese notes in the following discourse are some of the fruits of my labours written at several times in my Husbands absence which may be some satisfaction as to my spending that time I did intend them only for my own private use as a remembrancer of the old loving kindness of the Lord towards me t was not in the least in my thoughts that ever it should have been presented to a publick view but after I had written the greatest part of it shewing it to my Husband he had some thoughts to publish it judging it might be profitable to some precious souls which though it be written but in a broken scattering way and I am conscious to my self of too much weakness and unworthiness to be
would save or damn me at last I knew not neither did I think it possible for me ever to have known that except it were by some extraordinary way which very few did attain unto But by degrees I began to stay upon some promises through such considerations as these first I thought it could not stand with the goodness of God to damn a poor soul that had such heart-workings and desires after him as I had having much in my thoughts those words of Sampsons Mother Judges 13. 23. I thought that if he did intend to destroy me he would never have given me such desires after him preserved me till now and then that promise Mat. 5. 6. did much support me for I thought that if ever poor creature did hunger and thirst after righteousness I did these promises and considerations with some confused apprehensions that I had concerning the Lord Jesus did much raise me the thoughts I had of him were such as these I did believe that the Justice of God must be satisfied for sin and that nothing could satisfy his justice but a perfect righteousnesse now I thought I was to be very strict and circumspect in all my waies if it were possible to perform such a righteousnesse but what I could not do Christ had done for me and when I had done any thing that I thought was sin I could not apply Christ till I had repented that was till I had mourned fasted and prayed afflicting my self in such a measure as I thought might stand with the not destroying or prejudicing nature for there God would have mercy rather than sacrifice and Jesus Christ would make up that which was wanting so that Christ was my stay though it was through a very carnal and wrong apprehension But though I thought I must be so qualified and fitted for Christ before I could receive him and be made happy by him yet I knew there was no mercy to be found without him nor no life but in him In this conditiō I lived some years more and grew very cheerful confident as I think it was possible to be under such an apprehension but yet my confidence was alwaies more or lesse as I was more or less strict in my waies and sometimes though I had been never so strict yet I was subject to fear left I had not done as much as it was possible for me to do for otherwaies I thought Christ would be nothing at all to me yet my hopes were greater than my fears and I was resolved if I perished I would perish here at the feet of Christ and now I did not only see that possible which before I thought impossible but I had great hopes and much confidence most times This apprehension though it be that which is far below the glory of the free grace of God in the Gospel yet it did present Christ very lovely to me and did produce in me a real love to him as I dare not but so judge considering how I stood affected to and delighted in whatever I knew to be his will Though I must confess I think at the first the great wheel that carryed all about was my own good yet I am very confident that at this time I had a real love to delight in the Lord Jesus Christ and his commandements were not grievous to me but I did approve of them to be the most excellent things because approved of by the Lord and I well remember I was so far taken off from delighting in sin that I think I may say I did hate it with a perfect hatred as that which was in it self the only object of hatred as it was against God and all my delight was to be with those that I thought did excell in vertue and I could not bear wicked persons but their waies and practices were odious to me yet still I say my condition at this time was a condition of extreme bondage and below the Gospel I shall say no more of it but only this that what I have here written I think I may say is not the hundredth part of the labors and travells of my soul whiles I lived in that condition and if I should go about to write it all I know not how nor when to make an end But God was pleased in mercy to free me from that bondage by the manifestation of his love and grace through his Son to whom be all praise and glory for ever more Amen Some brief Observations from this second note of Experience FIrst Concerning the person by whom my experience in these things began which was one as I iudge not rightly called or sent to preach the Gospel he not being related to a true Church though otherwise I hope a godly man according to that measure of light he had received From whence I observe That it is possible for a godly man in times of ignorance and darkness to be a Minister of a false Church Secondly I observe That though it be not the work of a false Ministery neither is it the way of God to convert souls by yet accidentally or providentially somthing may be done that way by them especially in times of persecution where there is not a true Ministry abroad as indeed I am much inclined to own the work of conversion to be begun in me at this time and that for these reasons First because now was the day of Gods power no◠only to make me willing but there was some change wrought in the whole soul and every faculty of it which before was dead had now some life and motion in things relating to God and godliness as the understanding was opened so the will was changed and made willing to submit to truth and to imbrace the waies of life though it were through the greatest difficulty yet in much darkness and then the affections were taken and though there were but a little glimps of truth appeared yet there was a love to it and delight in it and a great hatred of the contrary all which I apprehend could not be but from some seeds of the Gospel though through false teaching there was not that blessed fruit of ioy and peace in believing also the Memory was active and busie to retain truth so that here was some change wrought in the whole soul as aforesaid A second reason is because when I lay under conviction of sin by the Law and was ready to sink under my burthen that which did suport and uphold my spirit was the Lord Jesus Christ though my apprehensions of him were not according to the Gospel as to the glory of the free grace therein contained A third reason is from the consideration of that fruit which did appear at that time which was an intire love to Christ and a conversation suitable thereunto according to the light then received For there was not only a doing good but a love to it and delight in it and there was not only a forbearing evil
as 1 Thes 5. 17. c. but yet notwithstanding I was dissatisfyed about it that notion of waiting carrying such a shew of spirituality I could not easily let it go but yet this tryall had so shaken it that I did begin much to question it and also those other notions of the like nature then it pleased the Lord to bring us safe to Land through which mercy I had some little communion with God being able to speak of his goodness in delivering us from that danger but through that dissatisfaction which still remained in me about these notions it was interrupted again and my beloved had withdrawn himself and I was very much troubled not knowing where to rest nor what to do but notwithstanding I did begin much to question those things from that trial I had of them on the Sea yet I was more inclined to them than to truth for some time especially to that of prayer and three or four times after I remember in discourse with some friends I did a little plead for them which though it was my sin so to do I did not then know it but must needs say I did as simply and sincerely aim at doing the wil of God in all those things as ever I did in any thing and therefore though Satan had so beguiled me yet I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly but my trouble and want of communion with God did still increase insomuch that I was scarce able to bear my burthen and speaking of it to my Husband who was at that time much in the same condition I remember amongst many words he spake some were to this purpose That seeing we were in such a condition and at such a loss it was best to speak but little that as we did but little good we might do but little harm which I did well approve of and after that I spake little for or against any thing till I was better satisfyed then being so truly in a day of adversity according to that counsel of the Wise man in Eccles 7. 14. I sate down seriously to consider what might be the cause of my being in so sad and strange a condition Through which consideration by degrees I came to see and conclude that certainly there was something amiss in my Judgement as to those notions beginning clearly to discern they did so oppose and contradict my former received principles that they could not stand together but if one was true the other was false and that I must leave the one or the other for though I had received the new I could never fully quit the old neither in Judgement nor practice Then I was restless in my desire for three or four daies to know which of the two were truth oft times earnestly begging of God that he would decide the controversie and discover to me which was according to his mind and which not being fully satisfied that but one of them could be truth then it pleased the Lord to put me upon a particular examination what grounds I had in Scripture and what experience I had of both in reading and examining my Scripture-grounds I began to discern a great inclination in my heart to the former principles finding I thought the Scripture very full and plain for them but nothing for the other but what was from some dark mysterious interpretations which were very doubtfull and for my own experience I did remember and was constrained to acknowledge that in receiving and keeping close to the fotmer I had joy and peace and much satisfaction and communion with God but since I received the other the Lord had as it were hid his face from me and I was filled with confusion and distraction and the remembrance of that tryall I had of them upon the Sea did very much help me now to see the falsity of them that in a time of tryal I durst not stick to them as indeed I plainly saw that I could never stick to them so as to answer them fully in my practice unless I should have laid aside the appearance of godliness have been very profane the consideration of which with some other evill consequences which I saw cleerly did naturally attend those things was another means by which the Lord was pleased to recover me from them and to discover Satan under his veil to me how by these things he did intend if the Lord had not prevented him to have stript me of all my hopes and in particular as to that of being saved by a Christ within and not by a Christ without the Lord was pleased to shew me that it was quite another thing differing from the Gospel and that it was attended with this evil consequence even to overthrow the whole Gospel and to deny the Lord that bought them at the thoughts of which my soul did tremble and that if he should have prevailed here all my hopes were gone for I could not nor durst not rest on any thing in my self as a ground of hope for life and salvation but on the other hand concerning my hope in the Lord Jesus Christ according to the Gospel I could truly say of that as Peter did John 6. 68. Lord whither shall we go thou hast the words of eternal life so whither should I go from the Gospel there are the words of eternal life there is all my rest and hopes in the Lord Jesus through the Gospel and therefore I resolved in the strength of Christ to stick to this and leave the other Then secondly as to that of waiting for a power to pray and that there was no command but from within concerning both these the Lord was pleased to shew me that it was not according to his mind but a meer invention of Satan by degrees to draw me from my duties and that it was attended with this evil consequence even to slight the Scriptures and commands of God and to expose the Soul to Satans deceivings to walk by the imaginations of their own hearts instead of the motions of the spirit and also it brings the soul into great uncertainties which the truth never doth but on the other hand to do dueties in obedience to the authority and commands of God in Scripture and to pray at all times as we have opportunities having received a principle of grace by which we are made capable of prayer I saw this was a cleer and sound truth not being attēded with any evill consequence nor bringing the soul into straits and uncertainties but rather gives enlargements in every condition and therefore I desired likewise to keep close to these and leave the other but oh the joy and comfort that was in my Soul at this return I cannot express it but this I say it was to me as life from the dead And as I was blessing praising and magnifiing the Lord for his unchangeable goodness to me my Husband having been some time from me came home to whom I did declare my