a Minister especially if a godly and zealous one that spake home to my conscience and told me of my sins much more if he would not admit me to the Lords Table without trial and examination yea then like Ahab to Eliah I became his enemy and hated him ever after would impeach his credit and detain from him his dues And are not all these strong evidences that I loved and served God and my Redeemer as I ought But to make it more manifest what a rare Christian I was I thought my self a Believer yea I could boast of a strong Faith when yet I fell short of the very Devils in believing for they believe the threats and judgments contained in the Word and tremble thereat James 2.19 Whereas I thought them but Scare-crows to fright the simple withal yea I held Hell it self but a fancy not worth the fearing Because I was not notoriously wicked but had a form of godliness was civil c I was able to delude my own soul and put off all reproofs and threatnings by comparing my self with those that I presumed were worse than my self as Drunkards Adulterers Blasphemers Oppressors shedders of blood and the like counting none wicked but such Yea looking upon these I admired my own holiness and thought my moral honesty would be sufficient to save me Nor did I know wherein I had offended And whereas the Law is spiritual and binds the heart from affecting no less than the hand from acting I was so blind and ignorant that I thought the Commandment was not broken if the outward gross sin be forborn Whence these were my thoughts I never brake the first Commandment of having many gods for I was no Papist nor Idolater nor the second for I worshipped God aright Nor the third for I had been no common swearer only a few petty oaths Nor the fourth for I had every Sabbath gone duly to Church Nor the fifth for I ever honoured my parents have been a loyal subject Nor the sixth seventh eighth ninth or tenth for I never committed murder or adultery never stole ought never bare false witness nor could I call to mind that I had at any time coveted my neighbours wife servant estate c. And nothing more common with me than to brag of a good heart and meaning of the strength of my faith and hope of my just and upright dealing c. And because I abstained from notorious sins I thought my self an excellent Christian if God was not beholding to me for not wounding his Name with Oaths for not drinking playing out his sabbaths for not railing on his ministers for not oppressing persecuting his poor members c. Sect. 13. And yet had it been so as I imagined Admit I had never offended in the least all my life either in thought word or deed yet this were but one half of what I owe to God this were but to observe the negative part of his law still the affirmative part thereof I had been so far from performing that I had not so much as thought of it And to be just in the sight of God and graciously accepted of him these two things are required the satisfactory part to escape hell and the meritorious part to get heaven And the true method of grace is Cease to do evil learn to do well Isa. 1.16 17. The Fig tree was cursed not for bearing evil fruit but because it bare no good The evil servant was not bound hand and foot and cast into prison for wasting his masters goods but for not gaining with them And those reprobates at the last day shall be bid depart into everlasting fire not for wronging or robbing of any but for not giving for not comforting Christs poor members Mat. 25. So that my case was most desperate For though with that Pharisee Luk. 18.11 I was apt to thank God and brag that I was just and paid every man his due yet I never thought of being holy and of paying God his dues as his due of believing or repenting of new obedience his due of praying hearing conferring meditating on his word and works sanctifying his sabbaths and instructing my children servants teaching them to fear the Lord. His due of love fear thankfulness zeal for his glory charity and mercy to Christs poor Members and the like I should have serv'd God in spirit according to Christs Gospel as all that are wise hearted indeavour go live believe hear and invocate and hope and fear and love and worship God in such manner as his word prescribes I should have been effectually called and become a new creature by regeneration being begotten and born anew by the immortal seed of the word I should have found an apparent change wrought in my judgment affections and actions to what they were formerly The Old man should have changed with the New-man Worldly wisdom with Heavenly wisdom carnal love with spiritual love servile fear for Christian and Filial fear idle thoughts for holy thoughts vain words for holy and wholsom words fleshly works for works of righteousness even hating what I formerly loved and loving what I formerly hated But alas I have heard the Gospel day after day and year after year which is the strong arm of the Lord and the mighty power of God to salvation That is quick and powerful and sharper than any two Edged sword and yet stood it out and resisted instead of submitting to Christs call even refusing the free offer of Grace and Salvation I have heard the Word faithfully and powerfully preached for forty years yet remained in my natural condition unregenerate without which new birth there is no being saved as our Saviour affirms John 3.5 I had not trodden one step in the way to conversion for the first part of conversion is to love them that love God 1 John 3.10 11 14. I should daily have grown in grace and in the knowledg of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ but I was so far from growing in grace that I had not one spark of grace or holiness without which no man shall see the Lord Heb. 12.14 I was all for observing the second Table without respect to the first or all for outward conformity not at all for spiritual and inward holiness of the heart Sect. 14. Either what I did was not morally good for the matter or not well done for the manner nor to any right ends as out of duty and thankfulness to God and my Redeemer and out of love to my fellow members Without which the most glorious performances and the rarest vertues are but shining sins or beautiful abominations Gods glory was not my principal end nor to be saved my greatest care I was a good civil moral honest hypocrite or infidel but none of these graces grew in the garden of my heart I did not shine out as a light by a holy conversation to glorifie God and win others Now onely to refrain evil except
in like manner lay open my Original Defilement which is the Fountain whence all the former whether sins of commission or sins of omission do flow But touching it be pleased to peruse that small Tract intituled A short and sure way to Grace and Salvation Or Three Fundamental Principles of Christian Religion by R. Y from p. 4 to p. 10. Sect. 17. Loose Libertine if this hath been your case no wonder it hath startled you for to deal plainly with you as you have done with me what I have heard from you makes me tremble For if such honest moral men that live so unreproveably as you have done go not to Heaven what will become of me that have been so openly prophane and notoriously wicked all my time Yea it contented me not to doe wickedly my self and to damn my own soul but I have been the occasion of drawing hundreds to hell with me by seducing some and giving ill example to others the infection of sin being much worse than the act As how many have I drawn to be drunkards and swearers and whoremongers and prophane persons Insomuch that the blood of so many souls as I have drawn away will be required at my hands Yea my life hath been so debauch'd and licentious that I have brought a scandal upon the Gospel and made it odious to the very Turks and Infidels Rom. 2.24 Convert Alas I what I did that was morally good or what evil I refrained was more for self-ends or for fear of mens Laws than for love of Christs Gospel True I went under the notion of an honest man and a good Christian I was baptized into the Faith and made a member of Christs visible Church but I was so far from endeavouring to perform what I then promised that in effect I even renounced both Christ and my Baptism in persecuting him all that sincerely professed his Name thinking I did God good service therein John 16.2 Gal. 1.13 14. Phil. 3.6 Nor was it for want of ignorance that you thought so of me for by nature be we never so mild and gentle we are all the seed of the serpent Gen. 3.15 and children of the Devil John 8.44 Yea the very best moral man is but a tame Devil as Athanasius well notes But it is a true Proverb The blind eat many a Fly and all Colours are alike to him that is in the dark Loose Libertine So much the worse is my condition for my conscience tells me there is not a word you have spoken of your self but I can justly apply the same unto my own soul a great deal more for whereas you have been a moral honest man so that none except your self could tax you for breaking either Gods Law or mans I have been so wicked and prophane that I could most presumptuously and of set purpose take a pride in my wickedness commit it with greediness speak of it defend it joy in it boast of it tempt and inforce to it yea mock them that disliked it As if I would send challenges into Heaven and make love to destruction and yet did applaud my self and prefer my own condition before other mens saying I was no dissembler yea I hated the hypocrisie of Professors I do not justifie my self and despise others like the Puritans I am not factious schismatical singular censorious c. I am not rebellious nor contentious like the Brownists and Anabaptists I am a good fellow and love an honest man with my heart c. and as touching a good conscience I was never troubled in mind as many scrupulous fools are I have a good heart and mean as well as the precisest But now I see the Devil and my own deceitful heart deluded me so that my whole life hitherto hath been but a dream and that like a blind man I was running headlong to Hell when yet I thought my self in the way to Heaven Just as if a Beggar should dream that he were a King or as if a Traytor should dream of his being Crowned when indeed he was to be beheaded the case of Laodicea Rev. 3.17 the young man in the Gospel Luke 18.20 21. and that Pharisee spoken of Luke 18.11 12. Sect. 18. Convert It was not your case alone but so it fares with the worst of sinners Onely it much rejoyces me that it hath pleased God to open your eyes to see all this in your self For flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto you Yea we are naturally so blind and deaf and dead in sin and in soul that we can no more discern our spiritual filthiness nor feel sin to be a burden than a blind Ethiopian can see his own blackness or then a dead man can feel the weight of a burden when it is laid upon him Acts 28.27 Isa. 6 9 10. And this common experience shews for if you observe it who more jocund confident and secure than the worst of sinners They can strut it under an unsupportable mass of Oaths Blasphemies Thefts Murders Adulteries Drunkenness and other the like sins yea can easily swallow these spiders with Mithridates and digest them too when one that is regenerate shrinks under the burden of wandring thoughts and want of proficiency But why is it They are dead in sin Ephes. 2.1 Revel 3.1 Now lay a mountain upon a dead man he feels not once the weight To a Christian that hath the life of grace the least sin lies heavy upon the conscience but to him that is dead let his sins be as heavy as a mountain of lead he feels in them no weight at all Again they are insensible of their sin and danger because ignorant for for what the eye seeth not the heart rueth not Security makes worldlings merry and therefore are they secure because they are ignorant A dunce we know seldom makes doubts Yea a fool says Solomon boasteth and is confident Prov. 14.16 neither do blind men ever blush And the truth is were it not for pride and ignorance a world of men would be ashamed to have their faces seen abroad For take away from mens minds vain opinions flattering hopes false valuations imaginations and the like you will leave the minds of most men and women but poor shrunken things full of melancholy indisposition and unpleasing to themselves Ignorance is a vail or curtain to hide away their sins wherupon they are never troubled in conscience nor macerated with cares about eternity but think that all will be well The Devil and the Flesh prophesie prosperity to sin yea life and salvation as the Pope promised the Powder Traytors but Death and Damnation which Gods Spirit threatens will prove the crop they will reap For God is true the Devil and all Flesh are liars When we become regenerate and forsake sin then the devil strongly and strangely assaults us as he did Christ when he was newly baptized and Pharaoh the children of Israel when they would forsake Egypt and Herod the children when Christ was
come to deliver his people Whence commonly it comes to pass that those think best of themselves that have least cause yea the true Christian is as fearful to entertain a good opinion of himself as the false is unwilling to be driven from it They that have store of grace mourn for the want of it and they that indeed want it chant their abundance None so apt to doubt their Adoption as they that may be assured of it nor none more usually fear then they that have the greatest cause to hope We feel corruption not by corruption but by Grace and therefore the more we feel our inward corruption the more Grace we have Contraries the nearer they are one to another the sharper is the conflict betwixt them Now of all enemies the Spirit and the Flesh are nearest one to another being both in the Soul of a regenerate man and in all faculties of the soul and in every action that springeth from those faculties The more Grace the more Spiritual life and the more Spiritual life the more antipathy to the contrary whence none are so sensible of corruption as those that have the most Living Souls Sect. 19. Now for Remedy of the contrary there cannot be a better lesson for carnal men to learn than this All the promises of God are conditional to take place if we repent as all the threatnings of God are conditional to take place if we repent not But wicked men as they believe without repenting their Faith being meer presumption so they repent without believing their repentance being indeed Desperation and this observe we are cast down in the disappointment of our hopes in the same measure as we were too much lifted up in expectation of good from them Whence these peremptory presumers if ever they repent it is commonly as Francis Spira an Advocate of Padua did and never did any man plead so well for himself as he did against himself One Star is much bigger than the Earth yet it seems many degrees less It is the nature of fear to make dangers greater helps less than they are Christ hath promised peace and rest unto their souls that labour and are heavy laden and to those that walk according to rule Mat. 11.29 Gal. 6.16 even peace celestial in the state of grace and peace eternal in the state of glory Such therefore as never were distressed in conscience or live loosly never had true peace Peace is the Daughter of Righteousness Rom. 5.1 Being justified by faith we have peace with God But he who makes a Bridge of his own shadow will be sure to fall into the Water Those blocks that never in their life were moved with Gods threatnings never in any streight of conscience never groaned under the burden of Gods anger they have not so much as entred into the porch of this house or lift a foot over the threshold of this school of repentance Oh! that we could but so much fear the eternal pains as we do the temporary and be but so careful to save our souls from torment as our bodies In the mean time the case of these men is so much the worse by how much their fear is the less It faring with the soul as with the body Those diseases which do take away all sense of pain are of all others most desperate As the dead palsie the falling sickness the sleepy lethargy c. And the patient is most dangerously sick when he hath no feeling thereof In like manner whilest they suppose themselves to be free from judgment they are already smitten with the heaviest of Gods judgments a heart that cannot repent Rom. 2.5 In a Lethargy it is needful the Patient should be cast into a burning Feaver because the senses are benummed and this will waken them and dry up the besotting humours So in our dead security before our conversion God is fain to let the Law Sin Conscience and Satan loose upon us and to kindle the very fire of Hell in our souls that so we might be roused out of our security but thousands of these blocks both live and depart with as great hopes as men go to a Lottery even dreaming of Heaven until they awake in Hell For they too often die without any remorse of conscience like blocks or as an Ox dies in a ditch Yea thousands that live like Laban die like Nabal which is but the same word inverted whilest others the dear children of God die in distress of Conscience For it is not every good mans hap to die like Antonius Pius whose death was after the fashion and semblance of a kindly and pleasant sleep However St. Austins rule will be sure to hold He cannot die ill that hath lived well and for the most part He that lives conscionably dies comfortably and departeth rich And so you see how it fares with the wickedest and worst of men Wherefore if you are truly sensible of your wretchedness it is a good sign that you are in some forwardness to be recovered and really to become so good as formerly you but dreamed or imagined your self to be And indeed the very first step to grace is to feel the want of grace and the next way to receive mercy is to see your self miserable Therefore our constant and most diligent search should be to find out the naughtiness of our own hearts and to get strength from God against our prevailing corruptions Sect. 20. Loose Libertine But is there any hope for one so wicked as I who have turned the grace of God into wantonness applying Christs passion as a warrant for my licentiousness not as a remedy and taking his death as a license to sin his Cross as a Letters patent to do mischief As if a man should head his drum of rebellion with his pardon For I have most spightfully and malitiously taken up Arms against my Maker and fought against my Redeemer all my dayes Convert Do but unfeignedly repent you of your sins and forsake your former evill wayes and lay hold upon Christ by a true and lively faith my soul for yours God is very ready to forgive them be they never so many and innumerable for multitude never so hainous for quality and magnitude Yea I can shew you your Pardon from the great King of Heaven for all that is past the which you may read at large Isa 55.7 Ezek. 18.21 to 29. and 33.11 Joel 2.12 13 14. Yea read 1 Cor. 6.10 11. together with the story of Manasses Mary Magdalen the Thief and the Prodigal Son and you shall see presidents thereof Yea the very murderers of the Son of God upon their serious and unfeigned repentance and stedfast believing in him received pardon and salvation And indeed despair is a sin which never knew Jesus True every sin deserves damnation but no sin shall condemn but the lying and continuing in it True repentance is ever blest with forgiveness And know this that Gods mercy is greater than thy